My Mormon Mission Traumatized Me - Rian Anderson | Ep. 1922

[@kydneyk]

Margi is such an active listener and so compassionate. she is such a good addition to every episode she appears in, i love how she really seeks to understand every aspect of someone's story. what a lovely woman she is.

[@BG-ig6fd]

Agreed! She is so insightful, wise and really hears people.

[@anonanon1982]

❤

[@janegriffith8021]

I think of Margi in the same light. She is perceptive, insightful, and empathetic.✨

[@kelisa3772]

Yes, lucky kids she has. ❤

[@dianebrown1721]

Absolutely beautiful woman. I agree also. If you haven’t watched her story yet, take the time to do it. Her wisdom is priceless.

[@Christina-Claire]

The quality of Mormon Stories videos are simply phenomenal.

[@arcaluizoe1469]

True.

[@John-uq7uu]

It's horrifying to me.. we have a Mormon Bishop who bought our Mobile Home Park... they are all about control and their greed is insatiable.... they have literally destroyed our lives. I pray that we can all find the strength to fight against this religious fascism.. and do not comply with all of their crap..... God bless everyone who has the courage to stand up to this cult.... also please consider registering and voting Democrat until the Republican Party gets out of this phony religious fascism.. save our country by VOTING BLUE... and may God grant us all the courage and strength to resist as evil..

[@John-uq7uu]

God bless everyone who has seen the light.... today our country is on the verge of being taken over by religious extremism..... please join me and vote straight Democrat until our Republican friends recognize that they are in a dangerous cult and they are taking our country down a dangerous path..❤ all of you for your courage and strength

[@Abbasgirl312]

Done with excellece and compassion.

[@MattShu123]

We also left while our daughter was on her mission after being the most Mormon of all Mormons. She also suffered from concussions and left a little early because the mission wouldn’t help her until the headaches were out of control. By then it was too late. As soon as she got home, they went away. Then we had to tell her we left. This fits her story so closely.

[@jamesbrothersstudio4660]

I completely understand going through the temple and thinking I was in a cult. I made it almost 4 weeks in the mission before I purchased a bus ticket home using my own money because they wouldn't let me leave. It took 3 days to get home without money for food. I had to reuse the same plastic water bottle that I would fill up at the different stops. This was in 2000.

[@jewelgazer]

You are a brave human!!!!!

[@amygreen758]

You would be a good guest to interview. Glad you made it home.

[@John-uq7uu]

God bless you for having the courage and the strength to see Mormonism for what it is... God bless everyone who has taken control of their own lives and gotten away from this cult... seems like the Republican party is now taken over by right wing white power men... please consider joining me and voting straight Democrat,, to save our democracy

[@kurt666morris]

Thanks for sharing your story. Did you leave the Church once you got home? How did your family, friends, and the ward react to you? ......I almost did that too. However 2 Elders and a Sister went home in 1 month. I really liked my Mission President and I didn't want to embarrass him. If it weren't for him I would have been on the first Greyhound Bus out of there.

[@alisonsonderfan7576]

Wow I am so sorry you were not cared for

[@kaysharogers32]

I love it when Margi is interviewing, too. She brings such a warm, welcoming presence. She seems like such a beautiful human.

[@mylittlebug14]

She truly does ❤

[@riananderson9709]

I can confirm she is one of the most beautiful and kind people I have ever met

[@PsstErika]

She’s a beautiful person. Her kindness and empathy shine through.

[@matthewjamestaylor]

I can't count all the crimes that were reported in this episode. The nurse and therapist should have their licenses revoked. The Mission President should be brought up on kidnapping charges. Her parents didn't have her address?! Let alone not calling DCFS for those children!!! Every parent should be forced to watch this before they turn their child over to this madness. Knowing this story and still sending your child on a mission is, IMO, negligence. Over the course of these four hours I grew very protective of this woman. I hope only the best for her. Thanks for bringing this to us, John and Margi. And, thank you, Rian. Cheers.

[@JeantheSecond-ip7qm]

They’re lucky she didn’t die of their medical malpractice.

[@beniebee7229]

@@JeantheSecond-ip7qmmy friend brother in Africa passed on his mission. The church did nothing just said he’s in heaven

[@JeantheSecond-ip7qm]

@@beniebee7229 I’m sorry for your loss.

[@paigegainey7099]

I fear for other young women going through this. 😢

[@Premier-Media-Group]

they're legal adults, so many of those requirements fade away once they reach the age of majority.

[@courtneyko1466]

Her thumbnail picture for this episode compared to what she looks like now is so interesting. Following the rules in the Mormon church is so identity crushing. She looks so comfortable in her skin now. I love seeing people bloom after leaving Mormonism.

[@riananderson9709]

Thank you ❤️ this is such a huge compliment

[@PsstErika]

She’s truly lovely. Her parents must be so proud of her. ❤

[@beniebee7229]

@@riananderson9709 great job 👏 I’m struggling to explain this to my brother he’s on a mission now

[@debbiedonovan8362]

This was one of the most revealing podcasts... the mission experience is shockin!!! It criminal how much ritual abuse this beautiful soul had to endure. But the complete disregard for physical healt, mental health.. the tampering of cell phones, and scrubbing emails... isolating her from her family.. it is beyond cult... it is criminal and missionaries who went through this level of abuse should be able to sue the church... shocking what they do to their young adults volunteering their time. It's criminal just criminal....

[@jewelgazer]

Your statements reflect exactly how I feel! Thank you! Why in the world don’t parents/loved ones sue mission leaders for not giving access to medical care? I don’t understand.

[@carlapeterson5056]

I whole heartedly agree

[@tesshendersonfotheringham9805]

Not just volunteering there but the young adult has PAID for the mission. The church isn’t funding these young adults who have put their lives on hold.

[@kristinenelson990]

Rian is so well-spoken and articulate for being so young. As a former LDS woman, a first born of 6 children, I related so much to the way she expressed her drive to strive for appreciation, the need for attention, oh my, I relate. The love she expresses for her siblings is something I still work through from a codependent standpoint. I have victory over most of these issues and much peace in life now but it took years of cognitive therapy. I had my records removed from the church in 2001. Bless you, Rian! Thank you for sharing & for being so courageous.

[@janemariehoward]

LOL, you may have asked to have your name removed from church rolls, but your baptism remains. Basically, you're still a member, LOL.

[@kristinenelson990]

@janemariehoward After removing my name from the church records & a letter of confirmation from Church headquarters in 2003, I've no longer been ever visited by missionaries at any addresses. I'm sure I have still been baptized for the dead by my former relatives but I understand that. It's not a problem because I know truth

[@outwardbound2241]

John (and Margi!) thanks for everything you do. I hope you're standing strong and let nothing and no one (!!) bring you down. Your light is shining bright. Lots of love, strength and resilience from Germany ❤

[@John-uq7uu]

❤ everyone who has the courage to resist this madness... may God bless and protect all of us from cults

[@charlesmendeley9823]

Schöne Grüße aus dem Pfahl Düsseldorf.

[@JoeyJoeySmith]

Rian, I was a student at BYU-I from 2017-2020 and I connected so so much with your experience. You said so many of the things I'd been saying for years about my experience there, but with a woman's experiences and perspective. Thank you for opening up understanding on my own memories and my struggles by sharing your own. Thank you so much for this interview. It was uncanny to see someone talk about going through something so near what I did. Down to the detail of the pridefulness conversation when I felt like I couldn't stomach doing what was required on my mission. We wish you all the best in your healing journey!

[@John-uq7uu]

God bless everyone who is waking up and realizing the sickness that is disguised as religion

[@riananderson9709]

❤❤❤❤

[@JoeyJoeySmith]

@@John-uq7uu as long as we recognize that the illness is in those who lead it and founded it, and that the members are the victims of that 19th century cancer.

[@JoeyJoeySmith]

@@riananderson9709 💜

[@BritneeLloyd]

Thank you so much for this episode (and all of the rest of them)! I left the church last December and this podcast has helped me so much in processing and healing from my life lived in it. I have been home from my mission for almost 10 years and this episode put so much of my experiences into perspective! I resonated so much with many aspects of her experience and it has helped me understand my own mindset towards life. You all do such a beautiful job of diving deep into the issues in the church and the process of walking away. I'm the only one in my family to walk away, even my husband who sees, understands, and shares my issues hasn't fully walked away, so your podcast has helped me feel less lonely. You've helped me to choose myself and what feels true to me vs staying in to keep the peace. So thank you!

[@BryanSchaeber]

Everyone agrees that its bad to join a cult, but everyone in a cult always says theyre not in one.

[@99blackbirds]

Joe Rogan says the LDS church is the Best cult to join! LOL and i do agree but its still a cult and that is wrong. That is what I want our leaders to Know! I wish I could take "the cult" things ( 24-7garments) out of the church! Meaning give Mormons a choice give them full disclosure, freedom of speech, room to breathe, let them come to Christ, don't push shove or force! Christian Grace found me and it doesn't shame or force it gives me a choice! i want to obey cuz he loved me first not cuz I made covenants at 18 to obey

[@John-uq7uu]

The Baha'i faith is different. You can't join until you're 18 and can think for yourself.. Our Prophet says put no person between yourself and God.. our Prophet acknowledges all of the great Prophets, as being from the same God.. and surprise,, Joseph Smith is not one of them.. having no religion is better than being a part of a cult like this.. what's horrifying is that the Republican Party is now deep into religious fascism please register and vote Democrat... you have your own power and we can do something about this..

[@99blackbirds]

@@John-uq7uu so You mean its like the Mormon's faith they all go to the temple at 18 to go on a mission! And they give you a perception that you have a choice?

[@JonCampos-kh2bw]

My mother raised us as a cult. Don’t question. Dont expect your privacy or your boundaries to be respected. Don’t tell outsiders what’s it’s like under your roof. There isn’t anything in the Mormon church that even remotely resembles the hell I had to endure under that narcissist.

[@dorothyd7929]

​@@John-uq7uuYou're absolutely right about this!!!!!

[@pandah1869]

I was a Fundemental Baptist of the IBLP variety and she put my journey through shame and guilt into words. Thank you and I'm sorry you experienced this.

[@Lucifersfursona]

What a wonderful human being. I am so sorry you were treated so inhumanely and with such cruelty, I am so glad you are free and I hope you are able to heal. I’m sorry, Rian. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t deserve this. I am happy you were able to come back to your self, you deserve to exist as you are. Please be well.

[@riananderson9709]

Thank you deeply ❤

[@Lucifersfursona]

“It’s been beautiful to witness you” brought me to tears. I’m keeping that.

[@Lucifersfursona]

⁠@@riananderson9709!!! She herself❤

[@riananderson9709]

@@Lucifersfursona that sentiment is something that I'll be holding onto as well. Margi is such a wonder at allowing you to feel seen 🤎

[@riananderson9709]

@@Lucifersfursona ❤️❤️❤️

[@Soniceduardo1820]

This is so f*cked up. I gave this church 16 years of my life since I converted in my early 20s and most of that spent being on the Bishopric! Thank you Mormon Stories, I am 2 months out of the church and these videos are really helping with my deconstruction. Thank you, Rian, for your testimony 😊

[@sengasengana]

I wish you all the best for your journey. So glad you people have help and support nowadays and don't have to walk this way alone.

[@adayinthelifeofarancherswi2985]

This episode has been such an eye opener. I have a 15 yr old that is dead set on going on a mission. I am in the middle of deconstructing, we have quit going to church, and my older kids know that I don't believe. But we don't have discussions about the harmful stuff, but I have wondered how to approach my son. I feel like talking to him about informed consent might be the best starting point. Thank you for sharing Rian. You are a beautiful human!!❤

[@jordy1007x]

Informed consent and possibly asking him if he can list his top 5 reasons for wanting to go on a mission (but saying it in a way where you aren’t questioning him, but make it seem like you are saying it so he knows what his intentions are before going so he has his goals in mind… like to “fake” happiness about it). If his goal is to travel, to get away from the family or to meet people his own age, maybe see if there is a different way to provide that other than a mission so he won’t have to lose himself being on it.

[@wendwatson]

I think you should share this podcast with him.

[@janemariehoward]

Let him decide his own life.

[@Fromage4972]

3:22:14 "Good isn't solely owned by the church" I love this. It was so powerful for me to realize the same thing. The "fullness" of joy is not owned by the church nor is it only found there.

[@tonkatruck929]

30 years later I still have dreams I'm put back in another mission and I am totally isolated...then I wake up and take a deep breath of relief.

[@jewelgazer]

Our dreams are so powerful aren’t they? It tells us so much about ourselves! My recurring dream is not being with my family in heaven and feeling abandoned. Then I wake up and think what??? My trauma happened years and years ago yet it still pops up from time to time.

[@leecooper3852]

​@@jewelgazer It's not true, there's no reason to worry over it. Your family won't be in heaven and neither will you. The Bible tells you here's a resurrection to the Earth. You could be with your family on earth, You could be part of the resurrection of the righteous and the unrighteous John 5:29

[@Jeremiah-e1d]

I know your pain. I served 28 years ago and I still have the same reoccurring dream. I get home have my homecoming and feel so relieved to be done and home. Then the next day I'm called on another 2 year mission. I'm so confused and devestated and always say why do I have to go on another mission when I just got home. The dream continues with the mtc then going out in the field and so on. I wake up so upset and angry. Crazy that those same dreams are still happening after all these years

[@yulaobao]

@@Jeremiah-e1di too have recurring dreams of myself going on another mission and was so freaked out. My mission was the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Now I know that I’m not the only one suffering from that

[@courtybear12]

Those abused children that never got help is so sickening.

[@mothk993]

is there any evidence of this maybe being related to Jodie Hildebrandt, Ruby Franke, or 9 Passengers?

[@spunkycat6144]

If we can get the address of the place, it can still be reported.

[@anastasiabee3843]

In a truly disgusting decision, Cochise County Superior Court Judge Timothy Dickerson rules that church officials had no requirment to report to authorities known abuse of a minor. The case came about because a member confessed that he was sexually abusing his young child and posting TT on the internet. The LDS Church ex-communicated the offender but did not report it to authorities at all. This allowed the abuser to continue to do this for another 7 years after they knew. It also allowed him to abuse a second daughter, who was born after the church knew, he started this abuse when she was as young as 6 weeks old. The church fought a lawsuit brought against them from the VICTIMS, would not settle the case, and they now have presedence to not report abuse, even if they know it is ongoing. This particular abuser kept abusing his children and posting it online for years until Homeland Security arrested him after people tracked him down through the videos he uploaded. He killed himself 2 weeks after his arrest. The church fought so they could do the same thing again and again. If you don't think this organization does not care about its parishioners after this than you are not paying attention.

[@kellyallan2554]

Quite a number of feelings Rian shared really resonated with me. I left the Church last year after 47 years and it is so good to have my feelings validated by others who have felt the same. Thank you.

[@riananderson9709]

❤❤❤❤

[@John-uq7uu]

Love everyone who has the courage and strength to resist these cults.. please join us and vote Democrat because our country is on the verge of being taken over b y White supremacist Evangelical Madness...

[@SuzySylvania]

Beautiful episode, Rian, John, and Margi! It hit me in the gut! I was the mom at home freaking out at what was happening with my daughter on her mission. I will forward this episode to her (she is out after being home for a few years). ❤

[@jenniferanderson4201]

Being the mom at home is excruciating. Sending you and your daughter so much love❤

[@charleneconilogue7253]

As always, Mormon Stories brings it. I relate to Rian on so many levels -- a lifetime of faith first and family second - mothering my sibs while my parents served in high ranked callings - expectations of perfection - the (conditional) unconditional love - sending my sons on missions around the world - holding those special church callings while my kids sat in daycare - being TOLD not to report abuse I knew of - - - Finally, I broke and was exed. Even then, it wasn't until 10 years later that my heart and soul left the church for good. Rian, you did good amid your struggles. You are a warrior and I know your future will be amazing! Bless you darlin' and thank you for sharing your story.

[@Laceychelle]

Probably too late to add a comment now, but if Rian's mum would also do a long form interview with you guys I would love to hear about her faith crisis and the experience of Rian's mission from her/Rian's dad's side. Would be really interesting to get a feel for what they were going through at the same time. I'm a never-in but love the podcast, you are all an awesome team!

[@jenniferanderson4201]

It's in the works! Thank you for the comment❤

[@Laceychelle]

@@jenniferanderson4201 fabulous, thanks!

[@Tacotuesdayeveryday]

​@jenniferanderson4201 Jennifer, i just watched your episode yesterday. I love it! Thank you. Wish you and your beautiful family so much love and healing and fun adventures! Leaving the cult is soooooo painful and traumatic but living and experiencing real life is so precious!

[@juliekedda4510]

I absolutely loved this episode.. sending love and hugs to Rian.. what an amazing woman! ❤

[@didyousaymiku]

i can't believe this was 4 hours. it felt like 5 minutes. i have never been mormon and actually recently converted to Christianity (~3 years ago) but i still gain so much value and wisdom from these interviews. rian is a beautiful soul and i'm so grateful she has come to be able to tell her story and live a life truly her own. and i'm so thankful for you platforming her and giving me the opportunity to learn from her!

[@Ch0c0bsessed]

I'm a nevermo, but talking about the lack of music on a mission reminds me of how I supported my mormon friend on his mission by writing down song lyrics in letters and eventually smuggling him an mp3 player in a care package. Seems like the surveillance has increased since the late 2000s, I bet that he wouldn't be able to get away with that now.

[@sillybillynilly001]

I sent my brother mixed cds and marked them MoTab 😂 (mormon tabernacle choir)

[@sillybillynilly001]

To add: we share a dad, but different moms. I wasn’t raised in the church like he was.

[@mpbriggs1]

I have so much respect for young people that leave the church. I experienced the same general situation as Rian did during my mission nearly 40 years ago, without the medical issues. The technology is a bit different, but the control MPs try to exert on the missionaries are the same. My MP told me how my parents would feel if I left early. He censored my mail. We constantly had people "telling" on us. Some of what people said to him were lies (that didn't matter because I had to counter whatever was said). I've discovered only recently I probably had undiagonsed and treated PTSD. I thought I was alone with my mission experience and my feelings about the church. It took until relatively recently for me to figure out that my mission experience was not all that uncommon. Thank you for a wonderful episode -- I see over 100,000 views. You all are doing good work!!!! Thank you!!

[@purpl-monkee354]

2nd yr of mission, I see faiths with similar spiritual experiences in their denomination. Concerned with Mormon history & LDS systematic control I set my efforts on the lonely & poor as a type of chaplain doing welfare visits, less on converting. I became friendlier & the members noticed. 2 yrs later I lost my faith with no answers to prayer for a testimony just confirmation bias. Hindus, Muslims, Lutherans all have a testimony & verses to back up their claims. I'm ExMo & Skeptic now -No holy books, spirits, demons, or gods -I say enjoy life & I promote wellness & happiness for all. Simply be humane.

[@purpl-monkee354]

I daydream -What if at my 1st temple ritual & in costume I had said "WTF? This is why they say we're a cult." I then exit Mormons, take my money to get a trade rather than pay my way as a missionary & under strict control of my life for those 2 years.

[@jewelgazer]

@@purpl-monkee354 lol!!!!

[@John-uq7uu]

This seems like religious fascism.. it's horrifying, how huge the Mormon Church is and how many lives it is destroying.... God bless all of you people who have strong enough to stand up for yourself and find your own way... I see the Republican party is becoming a form of this religious fascism.... that's why I'm voting Democrat until this Republican Party get away from religious extremism.... please register and vote.. save America from religious fascism..❤ you all

[@lizzbure]

@@purpl-monkee354I'm sorry. You still can get a trade. Not trying to be toxic positive but Maybe you'll use people skills you gained. Maybe look at it that way as coping mechanism

[@brettpinion4233]

@purpl-monkee354 I understand. You put your faith in a false prophet J.S. Know Jesus, not the false LDS one and find the truth, way and life. Try reading the gospels in a modern version ( today's vernacular) and see if you do not find God. I will pray for you friend. 🙏

[@DanA.-jo4sg]

Just call it for what it is: Human Trafficking.

[@michelecraig9658]

Except you make the trafficked person pay.

[@Freaky0Nina]

That happens a lot too.​@@michelecraig9658

[@Hallahanify]

​@@michelecraig9658not that uncommon. Lots of trafficking victims are immigrants that pay for safe passage and end up being trafficked for labor.

[@AskthePoolman]

@@Hallahanify@growing up in Scientology

[@Hallahanify]

@@AskthePoolman the sea org is just like the mission except it's for the rest of your life. Actually being an LDS missionary is even more controlled. I don't think sea org people have a companion they're around 24/7.

[@CinnamuerteNunya]

What a precious young person. It hurts to know that she is only one of thousands to be used by the church. I hope your loving heart gets all the healing and gentleness you need❤

[@janillingsworth5347]

I was very moved by Rian's story. What hell on earth. I had polycystic ovary syndrome as a young woman and . that a burst cyst is the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced. I was horrified to hear you were just left in pain for two days. PTSD is a lifelong affliction, but you will get better at dealing with it. Many blessings.

[@leesacoles9154]

She looks like she could be Margi’s daughter! They’re both beautiful!

[@user-dn9gz5lu4y]

You are the embodiment of love! I was brought to tears, not by the sad experiences but, how deeply you care about others and how you tie everything back to love. I’m so sorry you experienced so much trauma. What a beautiful soul you are! I never comment, I just wanted to extend a hand and say that I am blown out of the park by your emotional intelligence and sensitivity. All the best, you deserve to be happy 😊

[@alobo9937]

The quality of her introspection is extraordinary.

[@briangrant2426]

I had PTSD from my mission experience for 30 years. It wasn't until I left the church go and never looked back that it subsided. EDIT: I probably shouldn't call it PTSD, but more like PTS. See my reply to @xunzi4327 below.

[@ieatoutoften872]

​@@TheMajesticOneAlways Imagine being deployed to a hostile territory (Mugadishu, Falluja, and so forth) with no sidearm, no comms, no transportation and yur battle buddy snitches on u (Gestapo style) because u had dysentery and were consequently late knocking on a hostile person's door to hand them a book they didn't want during their national rest time (when it is 114 degrees Fahrenheit). U try to count the mosquito bites from mosquitoes that stung u through yur trousers into yur kneecaps, but u stop counting at 50 bites. Yur own money to pay yur own expenses is funneled through the church banking system to comply with tax laws, and when it gets to yur paymaster, yur paymaster embezzles the money to pay for apartment deposits of new arrivals to yur base (Mission) area. U are told by the paymaster (Assistant to the Mission President) that yur only way out of the mission is to buy yur own airplane tickets home from halfway across the world. Yur only means of daily survival is to eat food provided by people who openly say they do not like both u, and the country u came from. However, before their eyes, they see the high school varsity letter awarded track and field athlete u were the year before lose a pound of muscle every day. In that starving condition, the body "brns" muscle before fat. These enemy contacts that also pity u, as better Christians than anybody in yur own unit, skip meals to feed u. In other words, u realize yur own unit is so FUBAR, that yur way better off as a POW. I saved my battle buddies life in Venezuela. My mission president straightforward told me, "it's okay if I don't survive because their are 28 missionaries inbound that month" (the same ones he embezzled my food money to onboard). U feign a medical discharge just to get a flight home. Now u have to break ties with everyone u grew up with (mostly good people who cannot fathom what u experienced).

[@mindeloman]

21 years and counting for me. Interestingly, the nightmares ended after we resigned. The fact they held our salvations over our heads to motivate us to work played hell with my psyche. Every day was a struggle trying to mentally fight through one more day. Every day in the mission felt like a week. A week felt like a month. And a month felt like a year. I never had doubts the church was true until the mission. I think the most traumatizing aspect of the mission for me was as the war poet Lt. Henry Lee said at the close of his poem "Three Years After," written three years after he became a POW to the imperial Japanese. "....My faith in God dissolved with faith in man. I have my hate, but nothing else remains." - - The disappointment I felt in church leaders I put my trust in and the complicitness and apathy by my fellow missionaries; just could never get past it.

[@John-uq7uu]

God bless everyone who has had the courage and intelligence,, to escape this religious fascism... I pray that we can save our country from this religious fascism that has infected my Republican Party.. I will be voting Democrat exclusively,, until my Republican friends find their way... I love my country and I also love my God... but there's a reason are countries founders,, insisted on,, separation of religion and politics.. please consider voting straight Democrat Party until the Republicans can find their way back to sanity and away from another sick cult leader.. this stuff is serious and dangerous.. white male Supremacy is not the way..... I believe in equality between the sexes God bless all of you who have had the courage to stand up for yourself

[@abigailrhodes4231]

I'm just so sorry you were traumatized in the first place - although judging by what I hear on MSP it sounds like mormon missions are little more than prolonged and costly trauma factories. I'm sorry that the hurt it has caused has gone on haunting you since. That's so oppressive to your spirit. I'm grateful that it has subsided.

[@xunzi4327]

Quick question, did you ever get diagnosed?

[@GaliSinatra]

This makes me so angry at her mission president not only with how he treated her, but all of the missionaries. One word comes to mind for me: Gestapo. When he wouldn't allow her to call the police to report the abuse of those children just makes me crazy. Especially since so many LDS members support the predator Tim Ballard. Outrageous.

[@nathanshervin4851]

This connection between Mormons supporting Tim Ballard and the Right Wing claiming to be fighting pedos and sex trafficking when child sex abuse is being committed right within their own community and the LDS Church is literally hiding and covering up sex abuse among its own members instead of reporting their own pedos to the authorities and allowing it to continue. They’d rather give make Ballard rich and support his lavish lifestyle, going on tropical vacations, I mean “missions,” where he hangs out at strip clubs and getting cozy with his pretty lady friends.

[@whoknows7577]

Tim Ballard the main character from Sound of Freedom? The guy who catches child predators? How is he a predator? Sorry for any ignorance, I’m asking sincerely.

[@PsstErika]

@@whoknows7577Google it.

[@GaliSinatra]

@@whoknows7577 You don't know about all the lawsuits against him for s*xual assault? Really? Please google it. Tim Ballard is most definitely a s*xual predator. Google Tim Ballard and the "couples ruse" And that movie is all a sham. It's all made up.

[@MamaSea888]

@@whoknows7577he’s a fraud, just do some digging and you’ll find out.

[@firebird189]

Rian tells her story with such clarity, grace, and honesty. Thank you and thank you John and Margi for providing this space.

[@PamH1955]

I ponder to wonder how much of this fabulous interview was bolstered by her decision to keep a journal. Great interview!

[@AmorOfAlessi]

We spend so much time as elementary school teachers working to help kids understand when it’s appropriate to get help from an adult for someone else or yourself, and when it’s actually tattling. 🚩 Red Flag: if your organization encourages adults to tattle on each other, you might be in a cult.

[@carlapeterson5056]

Might?? I'd say you are!

[@nathankkarren5316]

Or you might be a U.S. citizen: If you see your neighbors have invited people over, or-God forbid-people who are not wearing masks, here is a number to call local authorities.

[@LifeAfterBelief]

Amazing story. My mission was a deep struggle and taught me to hate myself. This interview really touched me and helped me reframe some of my experiences. I related to her so much. Thank you!

[@Wren402]

When I was a child my Catholic friend told me that she could pray to Jesus’s mother Mary. I was so jealous because I never thought a male god ie God or Jesus could ever understand my heart. I asked my mom if we could pray to Heavenly Mother and she said no. I asked her why not. She said that it had never been explained. That was the beginning of my deconstruction at age 9.

[@mr.champlinssciencechannel906]

Sometimes it takes a childhood innocence to bring to light how messed up things are.

[@Freaky0Nina]

I grew up catholic. While Mary is revered, the prayers directed at her, we were told, were not prayers but acts of bidding. Now, tbh, I don't see the difference.

[@Clrfy]

The reason you don’t pray to Mary is that she was a human just like us. She was/is not a god.

[@skyleawood2649]

Rian's story needs to be told. And told again. And again. This interview was just outstanding and so eye-opening. I'm convinced now more than ever that the LDS is not a Christian faith but is an abusive cult. How it gets away with all of it's shenanigans is just mind blowing. I'm never mormon but have friends that I'm now not sure I can remain silent as my silence will make me complicit? Thank you Mormon Stories for your work!

[@ariesfire2690]

They get away with it because many are very wealthy linked to LDS big shots who hold authority positions in power. Chelsea Goodrich story exposes how dirty their system works in the legal process of making things go away. The corruption is disgusting. Her experience happened in Idaho. However trust and believe it goes the same way in other states areas where LDS controls it all.

[@malenaqueteimporta5729]

I’m a Catholic and we don’t have missions per say. At age 18 I was sent to my aunt who was a Carmelita nun in Oaxaca. The beach area of Puerto Escondido was where I was sent. Without my discernment I was given the dress of a novice and my hair was cut short. Anything that made you an individual was taken; no makeup, no shampoo, no open toe shoes, no listening to music that wasn’t catholic. I stayed mostly behind the stone walls of the convent. They also took my passport. I was there for 2 years. I made friends with a younger nun named Margo later she was named Sister Carlos. She was from Canada. We taught English at the university in town. Anyway, she and I asked about my passport and was told that I could not have it back unless I take the vows and become a Carmelita nun. We then went to see the parish priest who had been the priest who married my parents. He was so angry after I told him what had been happening for the last 2 years without discernment. I told him about the weeks of being isolated in my room, the punishment that I endured (corporal punishment, intense labor and at times being locked in my room for days). I only spoke to my parents under supervision and only 1-3 times a month. They had sent me there as a way to straighten me out. I had dated a young man who had been arrested for grand theft auto and drug trafficking. My parents were so worried about my wellbeing that they sent me away. So I asked to go home and the priest that we had spoken to demanded my passport and he called my parents in the US. I was on a plane to the US in a week from then. When I got home my parents were so worried about me because I was only 95 pounds and had callouses all over my hands and feet. I was also very depressed. I was given access to a counselor a year after getting home and started college. It took me 18 years before I was able to attend Mass on a regular basis.

[@MoreWordsPlease]

Omg I'm heartbroken for you. To be sent away and abused without any means of escape. 😥

[@theartfuldodger5326]

Raised catholic myself, although completely lapsed, & I cannot believe what your parents did to you!😢

[@MaxRoth-mc6nb]

This is really terrible. Sounds like a variant of inquisition, or sort of Jesuite prison run by women... 😮

[@Willowtree82]

Did your parents know that's what they were sending you to? Off to a convent to become a nun?

[@malenaqueteimporta5729]

@@Willowtree82 no, they sent me there because my mom’s younger sister was there as a nun.

[@bodytrainer1crane730]

Great interview. I love how much Rian loves people just as they are. ❤️❤️❤️

[@jollibee9680]

The same thing happened to my daughter. Her mission president who wouldn't listen to her, which resulted in her getting hit by a car. He was so abusive. It's disgusting.

[@Abbasgirl312]

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. Is she ok?

[@BlueRidgeHiker_tonihoban]

This story was especially frightening. It’s hard to believe that this kind of mission is happening in modern times. Thank you for courageously sharing your story and journey, Rian. It will help so many people. ❤️

[@douglaswilkinson5700]

You should hear Weston Smith's story on Mormon Stories. He's gay and had undiagnosed ADHD.

[@MaxRoth-mc6nb]

​@@douglaswilkinson5700 okay, this is different, because a lot of religious groups might have done damage to such a person they do not understand.

[@douglaswilkinson5700]

@@MaxRoth-mc6nb Very true! He constantly thought of suicide during his mission and when he could no longer take it he quit and returned early.

[@MaxRoth-mc6nb]

​@@douglaswilkinson5700 Sad that those people had no empathy at all! 😢

[@douglaswilkinson5700]

@@MaxRoth-mc6nb Some Mormon missionaries actually committed suicide. Weston said that the LDS has "blood on its hands."

[@brittanyt33f]

This was an excellent interview. I appreciate her sharing her story so much! (I was not raised Mormon, but my paternal half of my family was and goes on missions, etc.) This helps me empathize with my family about much of the stuff that isn’t directly shared with me.

[@emilyfrench6839]

The moral wounding/trauma this young woman suffered on her mission is heartbreaking. Having been scared into participating in a betraying system with phone surveillance is chilling. It reminds me of the book 1984.

[@jlcl96]

Thank you for this thoughtful interview. Listening to her describe her pain as her parents left the church was gutting. I know we put our son through that as well when we left while he served a mission. It was completely heartbreaking to leave knowing how devastating and lonely it would be for him. We wrestled with the decision for weeks, knowing his mission was already both emotionally exhausting and physically dangerous. We didn’t want to make it worse. But we felt like not telling him would betray his trust. We decided it was better to have a difficult honest conversation than a dishonest easy one. But our relationship still hasn’t fully recovered. We have definitely felt like church leaders tried to replace us as if we were no longer fit parents. But it is hopeful to hear her story of healing her relationship with her family. I’d love to hear from her parents, too.

[@jenniferanderson4201]

I am so, so sorry for your experience. The healing in our family has come with time. When Rian came home and was still a believing member, I felt that there would always be a space between us that would never heal but I held onto LOVE and the hope that time and love would be the best healing tools. Sending you so much love ❤️

[@jimbobdrg3247]

Thank you for sharing this story - great insights! I joined the military instead of serving a mission. Makes me proud that I served my Country. I met many great people who were not LDS, and we shared some great experiences together. The secrecy and neglect of proper medical treatment sounds like a freakin nightmare, and akin to Scientology!

[@billgoedecke2265]

Thank Mormons Stories and Rian for such an honest and revealing description of how to leave an oppressive religion- thank you

[@SunsetChaser308]

Such a wonderful and articulate individual. Thank you for sharing this important aspect to mormon missions.

[@ValeriePeterson-w5f]

So sad for all the people that the church has harmed thanks Mormon Stories for all your hard work 😊

[@blockchainmarketer]

Hearing her relate her experience at the woman's home where she volunteered was heart-wrenching. I can imagine that's a heavy burden to carry, imagining what was taking place. That mission president is culpable in the ongoing abuse of those children that I'm sure continued.

[@alisinwonderland_7]

Yes, that makes me sad for the kids and for her, I imagine she carries guilt over that. If she does, I hope she can one day forgive herself and realize that because of the way she was being manipulated and brainwashed, it was out of her hands. She was living in her kind of torture, per se, different from what those little kids were probably suffering, but it was still torture.

[@ScottyOrange]

This has been a good thing to hear and I am glad that it was shared. I hope the people who would benefit the most from it would hear it.

[@Wren402]

This is horrific. I was raised LDS, but none of my siblings went on a mission. I had no idea how much systematic isolation and mind control is involved. How can anyone say this is not a cult?

[@pmspear]

Epic episode! I’m 54 and have been out for 5 years and mentally out for 10. I can identify so much with the mission experience even though it was 35 years ago! From time to time I still recognize trama associated with my upbringing in the church. It feels therapeutic to hear this story! Thank you!

[@grittymami]

Margi is such an amazing interviewer. Such a great listener and so wise.

[@MorganNightshade3110]

So much of this experience is common to many who have been abused in the church. My daughters PTSD is a daily struggle for her to overcome. And to those telling young people to cut off their relationships with their loving families so the church controls you, SHAME ON YOU! The insidiousness of the evil in the church is testimony against it. Bless you all, stand strong, and listen to yourself! You are the captain of your soul!

[@michaelvaughan5423]

Personally, I served a mission in mid 1980s. I enjoyed my time and had many interesting experiences. After listening to this podcast, I can't help but wonder if I had shut down my authentic self in order to serve. My daughter served during covid. She is not the same since returning. This episode gives so many potential reasons for her changing.

[@MMJ135]

How did your daughter changed. Is she more distant now?

[@michaelvaughan5423]

Her experience in the the church is dramatically different than mine. It's night and day. Her generation is being taught white washed church history. She won't consider origins of the very doctrine she professes to believe in.

[@michaelvaughan5423]

We can't have a real discussion about the Church without contention. I think this is intentional and caused by the Church. For example, we were raised as and proud to be Mormons. Today, being a Mormon offends God. Today, it's a victory for Satan. Today, it's a naughty word.

[@markwhite2419]

I realized after almost 30 years that I suffered from PTSD from my mission. I would have these reoccurring dreams that I had to leave my job or my family and go back out on a mission. These dreams happen almost nightly. After reading a book on PTSD I realize that’s what these dreams were. We have been out of the church for a little over a year and m my nightmares have stopped as I have processed the damage that was done. It is so sad that I was so blinded for so long. I hope these episodes on stories help people as much as they did me and my Wife. And thank you John for all that you do.

[@mandybridgeforth2235]

This one really hit home for me. 😢 Thank you Rian!

[@DanielFreed-f2b]

I have loved this interview! She's an inspiration and will positively influence many, I'm sure.

[@shanepratt3568]

This story frightens me. Sending you love and good vibes from California---Just north of where you served. (Long Beach)

[@jac9366]

The way this woman's mission was run, it seems hard for me to imagine a regime better designed to deliberately break someone down psychologically in order to make them totally dependent, suggestible and an automaton... really profoundly unethical, completely disgusting, I'd say a criminal level of abuse...

[@Hallahanify]

Withholding medical care is truly sickening.

[@cwinaz5862]

My companion was depressed from not having a baptism a year into his mission. I told my mission president about this and he asked me, "have you looked at yourself?" I wasn't sure how to take this at first other then maybe I was the reason why my companion had not baptized anyone. Now I believe the mission president was not willing to accept or deal with a missionary having mental health issues. This was in the late eighties and mental health was frowned upon and it was the person's fault for having issues. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@Mae-ek9uo]

My family and I are never Mormons, but what is being said at 5:20 is basically what my sister has been saying for close to two decades: "Converts make the best missionaries." She had a roommate in college who was a Christian convert, and this very much influenced her realization of that statement.

[@jewelgazer]

My brother was a convert at age 18 (no one in our family is Mormon) and unfortunately he has been militant ever since. Even some of his Mormon friends cannot handle him because he’s so radical.

[@nickywal]

Fervour of the convert, it's been recognised for a long time. It doesn't even have to be religion, go on a dog feeding group and watch people who have fed their dog two raw meals squeal over how they are magically better

[@johnmcgrath6192]

when I've talked with young Mormon missionaries I managed to steer us away from their converstion shtick to a normal humann conversation in which I was genuinely interested in hearing about their family bacvgrounds and experiences and their thoughts about the wider workd and what they were learning from their exposure toi a wider world. And whhatthey enjoyed about their Mormon culture. I would make suggestions about local cultural venues (cheap but excellent university theaters for instance or inexpensive music venues feasturing local bands and solo musicians and singers or poetry slams, and my experiuences art those places. I did find that there was a certain emotional flatness in the young Mormons, even when there was an attempt to be enthusiastic, in most of them (not all). I think a lot of Mormons suffer from functional depression. They are also psychologically naive, but then so are most Americans.

[@mormonstories]

Fascinating observation and analysis. Thank you. - John

[@JourneytoJustice2024]

Mormons never come to my neighborhood. Cultural or racial bias?

[@jewelgazer]

Wow that is very interesting, especially noticing how “flat” they were. It tells me that their spirits were broken down. My son had missionaries knock on his apt door while in college and he invited them in for a cool lemonade (over 100 degrees outside) and just showed friendship and air conditioning! Lol. Then the next day the missionaries showed up again and this time they stayed for hamburger helper! My son had some female friends over and the missionaries really enjoyed that! Just fun talk between friends since they were all in the same age range. No religious talk!! I was so proud of my son for showing hospitality and actually he kindof felt sorry for them.

[@Suzyslly]

@@jewelgazeryou raised your son well!

[@emilytoo7729]

I truly hope Rian contacted the police and reported the women who were abusing children. I had to stop watching shortly after she said this. I've been putting off leaving the church for 35 years. It's disgusting to keep hearing the lengths this corrupt group of men will go through to protect this money machine. Please do the right thing, Rian. I intend to, as well.

[@cullubbowzer8095]

Man, every fellow ex-Mormon RM I’ve ever met (myself included) has some form of PTSD. Well, I should also add that still believing RMs have PTSD, they just don’t know it

[@99blackbirds]

Don't you have the reoccurring dream that you get sent on a mission again like the 3rd or 5th time? And it because you didn't baptize enough and its a very stressful dream? My bros and sis both say they have this same dream. its a version of pTSD and the stress of the mission.

[@cullubbowzer8095]

@@99blackbirds I’ve been home from my mission for five years now, and I still frequently get dreams like that. I also get a lot of dreams where I’m forced to go back on my mission and there’s nothing I can do about it

[@cmr4622]

So you're saying that ALL RMs have some form of PTSD? (either believing or exmo) I think that is a generalization that I would challenge.

[@ryanlayton5156]

Totally

[@h.neubert8770]

@cmr4622 no just the ones they met, believing and non-believing.

[@cc-hk5ih]

What a brilliant young lady. Powerful and honest, and she should tell herself to have survived so much she is amazing. How sad that a so-called caring religion should not exercise a duty of care over its young missionaries. Over the years, I've learned to listen to myself and embrace the quiet. Following your own instinct and heart is essential. I wish her well in her future. Live love and be happy🎉

[@riananderson9709]

Thank you so much ❤️

[@cc-hk5ih]

@riananderson9709 you are very welcome. Have a brilliant joy filled life you deserve it!

[@abigailrhodes4231]

I identify with her so much and would have had all of the same emotional responses to her circumstances. I am downright nauseated by how dangerous and harmful the advice particularly the mission president was giving. And that she couldn't trust and was self-censoring with the therapist--- her then ONLY outlet. Considering that she was experiencing suicidality, and literally every authority figure and every point of contact who should have been looking for serious problems: nurse, mission president, therapist, EVERYONE was hostile and untrustworthy... she's honestly lucky to have made it out alive. THIS IS INSANE.

[@michelecraig9658]

It would be so wonderful to hear her other family member's pov and their Mormon stories. She mentions that her brother was gay and one sibling was non binary. I am guessing this was part of her family members' decision to leave the church. This was such a a wonderful and touching story. Thank you for sharing this part of your life.

[@jenniferanderson4201]

It's in the works! Thank you for the comment ❤

[@sherryg1838]

At 2 hours and 20 minutes in, all I can say is that her Mission President was a real abusive and controlling jerk. Now that I’ve watched it all, I appreciate Rian telling her story, she seems such a kind and caring person. I would have liked to know what she’s doing now.

[@jennifermay8710]

This is such a powerful interview. Rian is amazing. Such a wonderful person.

[@oldchandrilan4093]

Fantastic episode as always, thanks John and Margi… loved hearing your story, Rian!

[@jasonkramsey]

Great job! Thanks for sharing all of this. It's good (but awful) to hear from other missionaries that my experiences on my mission were not unique or probably even rare.

[@Autumn1988]

16 hour days is longer than a healthcare shift in a hospital in the UK. This is modern slavery.

[@cta524]

Thank you Rian for your truth speaking. I appreciate you living your truth and modeling how others can do the same. May the freedom you found be found by all. ❤

[@BethSmith-ep9vm]

1:41:31 OMG- This description of the “system” they put on your phone during mission is CRAZY!!! And the companion weekly audit!! It is insane. Insane. Mind blown.

[@quietestkitten]

I'm so glad Rian realized that missionaries are basically sales people. And the church tries to get as much free work out of them as possible, including restricting sick days.

[@masukamagambo4236]

This story just shook my core. Rian, praying for your journey to healing and rediscover the new you. You're stronger than you think. 🙏🏾💕 John and Margi, your forum and space is so much for many. Thank you.

[@my_name_is_rhyme]

Rian made my heart just beam. I found myself just smiling ear to ear with how beautifully she lives life and how esp at the end how she's just living in the now and present

[@WilboBagg1ns]

What a beautiful interview! Hearing these missionaries share their experiences surfaces so much for me. Thank you for sharing and validating those experiences.

[@theeight-roadwanderer6286]

I'm a guy and I'm not one who cries a lot. Margi's attentiveness and love genuinely make me choke up. I wish my closest family would've responded like her when I started to open up about my mission experience. Instead, I buried my issues for years and years

[@flufwix]

What an awful experience! So glad Rian is doing so well! I am not clear why Rian’s family didn’t fly out to visit her and help her leave the mission but I can understand it was a difficult situation. It seems clear that the brain washing was holding her in that mission. This is why no one should bring their children up without teaching them critical thinking. I’m also not clear why any qualified therapist did not put their patient first and recommend she have time away from the mission with her family. The mission president sounds like the very last person who should be caring for young people. Insensitive, unempathetic and authoritarian.

[@krakenfan6818]

Rian said that her parents were never told her exact location.

[@anonanon1982]

@@krakenfan6818 I wonder when that started. It wasn’t like that in the early ‘90’s.

[@ronjones4069]

Absolutely right....every kid needs to learn critical thinking from before they enter school. Without a little critical thinking we get sheep missionaries and Trump supporters.

[@the-salamander4truth]

@@anonanon1982Your experience would be different than another persons experience.

[@anonanon1982]

@@the-salamander4truth My experience of what? Parents knowing their child’s location or something different? Parents (and friends and siblings, etc.) mailed letters directly to the missionaries apartments.

[@WayOutHerePodcast]

When I left the church, my mission president's wife spread a rumor that I had bipolar. This seems to be a common narrative from high-ranking LDS members, that anyone who leaves the Mormon church must have a mental illness. Like… What? Actually, prioritizing our mental health is what allowed us to abandon the cult that was abusing us. This episode is bringing up so many feelings for me. I always thought that my mission was the one good thing about being raised in Mormonism, because I got to learn a language and live in a foreign country. But I had so many traumas during that experience; this episode feels so familiar, to the point that I have been pacing and feeling nausea! The depression I developed on my mission did not dissipate until I abandoned Mormonism. This is a really truly unhealthy organization.

[@brentwooden7995]

2 years of my mission it had its ups and downs.4 gay missionaries,at this point in my life I didn't know what a gay person was. I was molestation by a Mormon Church Scoutmaster, the Bishop of the ward refused to do anything about it. I still believe it was a cover up. How did 4 gay missionary get into the field. Another cover up.They ask me "ARE you honest in your dealing with your fellowman"? IT IS OK THEY ARE NOT? RIGHT NO THAT IS WRONG TO NOT LET MEMBERS KNOW WHERE THE TITHING AND FASTOFFERING MONEY GOES TO .NO OPEN BOOKS 📖

[@felixmae9201]

Amazing how going on a mission to convert people to a high-demand religion ended up rescuing a whole family instead. What a delightful twist, albeit through traumatic circumstances. Her family is probably so grateful that she made the first cracks in the foundation for them.

[@rubynz7285]

Absolutely radiates internal beauty, externally. Beautiful story.

[@Bells-ns1yl]

Remarkable story, thank you for sharing. Rian, well done for speaking out! So interesting to learn about Mormon missions. You are Amazing for all you have come through. So glad that you are safe and well especially considering going through health problems while on your mission, being told not to go see a doctor is awful. So glad you have recognised that things weren’t quite right and that you deserve care, love the right support. You are loved. And lovable you have so much love and care inside you for others too! That’s so obvious!! Keep good Margi and John Are Amazing! They show so much support care and love to so many, I’ve been really touched by the love, support shown in this episode. Take care

[@kaylaly7811]

Your first time through the temple sounded just like mine. That was the first time I saw the church as a cult. I went once and never went back- that was the most confusing and weird experience of my life.

[@Ceecee819]

Rian much love to u and for ur happiness! Thx for the great episode John and Margi!

[@cierabean]

we had such similar experiences rian, it's spooky. uncanny. my mission was the HARDEST thing I ever did, I got home in february 2020 right before the pandemic. thank you for sharing, it was a bit triggering because we are so similar but it made me feel seen, I wasn't the only one.

[@MaryMaryMary]

The video quality upgrade is amazing. Please let us know what camera you've switched to. Keep up the good work!

[@turtlefannyshanny]

What harrowing ordeal this sweet woman has been through. I feel so much love for her and I'm so proud of her for choosing to listen to her own heart and soul.

[@kathrynclass2915]

2:10:10 my son’s friend and a lot of her family members died in a private plane crash plus my husband left the church all within a couple of months of each other while my son was on his mission. His mission president told him that he needed to rededicate himself to the work. His mission president told him he had a choice to let these events bother him and take him out or to use those events to give him more focus and drive on his mission. My son chose to lose himself in the work. I think about the waste of time that mission was. It makes me sad and mad. The one good thing is that he found his wife after he returned and they are good together. I don’t know if that would’ve happened if he hadn’t been a retuned missionary. Both my son and his wife are out of the church now. I’m glad for how things turned out but sad for my son that he lost two very important years

[@mormonstories]

Thank you for sharing.

[@threewaysports]

I've been friends with Rian's parents since college. I'm not Mormon and felt like i lost my best friend. And they gave so much to the church. Rian is such a sweet kid/adult. They didn't deserve to be used and thrown out after 25+/- years. They've full of love. Decisions were made with best intentions based on church guidance. But I'm glad that love won out. I respected the good qualities that the church gave them. But I'm glad i have my friend back and the family is learning and growing and loving fwd stronger than ever

[@crystalfagerness839]

What a powerful interview. I'm not religious but I easily listened to this and am so happy she find her way. I hope she has the best life❤

[@ryandickinson2905]

Mary Oliver is my favorite poet, and The Journey is so powerful - loved that Margi referenced that!