My Stepdaughter Ruined My House Now I'm Forcing Her To Pay Me Back For Not Cleaning r/Relationships

[@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64]

Lol, the irony of the second story. “I don’t want your father who abused you in the past come near our child so I’m going to insult you, threaten you, and physically assault you because *clearly* you don’t know what’s best! Now I’m gonna divorce you for not being a doormat.”

[@elizahamilton5599]

Yeah wife is crazy, honestly I’d leave her and the child. The wife is just as bad as ops dad

[@randomusername3873]

"Only I and my family are allowed to abuse my husband"

[@pippo17173]

Honestly the update makes me ask how this marriage even survived this long. Like no communication on any this crap? What a disaster.

[@csarzeli]

She defaulted to attacking him because she knows it's what he responds to.

[@amemooress6291]

Idk. Now we know OP isn't a reliable narrator. They left out that their father was abusive which would explain why she was freaking out about the dad having contact with the child. It doesn't excuse her overall behavior. Just gives us context that was originally left out.

[@Harleyxjokerforever]

Story 2) OP was abused at a child and ended up with a abusive partner and he having a baby with them....the cycle continues.

[@piiinkDeluxe]

He stood up to her though.

[@Malkolm52]

@@piiinkDeluxe she assaulted him

[@piiinkDeluxe]

@@Malkolm52 yep

[@kaykay8855]

Story 2: after reading the update, op’s father abused him…I think the wife’s concern is starting to sound valid…until she put her hands on op and abused him.

[@carolroberts4614]

He said he wouldn't let his father look after the baby for " more than a day?? " A man who abused him for seven years?

[@nowetherider]

​@Carol Roberts and she abused him she just as bad

[@kaykay8855]

@@carolroberts4614 two wrongs don't make a right. Yes, her concerns are valid but you NEVER put your hands on your partner like the stbx wife did. Plus her parents did not do a good job mediating the situation. I know that they are supposed to put their daughter and grandchild first but they didn't help her communicate her fears to op.

[@elisejackson2854]

He needs to leave.

[@kaykay8855]

@@elisejackson2854 he does

[@notevenlistening6072]

People don't wear their outside shoes in the house where I live, so I'd be mad. Not venmo mad, but she'd be mopping up 😅

[@SnowyWolborg]

Yeah, its shoes OFF when you come into my spot.

[@Lillireify]

Well I'd go with "either deep cleaning to my liking or Venmo, no discussion" mad because she's an adult, it's disrespectful AF to leave a mess in a house that was just cleaned.

[@RJLiams]

​@@Lillireify You're really gonna be freaking out over footprints and crumbs? Sounds like the adult freaking out over something so minor needs therapy.

[@Lillireify]

@@RJLiams ow yes, definitely. Since it's just "footprints and crumbs" she could have spared a minute to clean this crap up instead of leaving it behind. Especially since the house was JUST CLEANED UP, how is this this hard to understand to respect it when someone just cleaned it?

[@RJLiams]

@@Lillireify pretty clear she didn't realize the house was JUST cleaned. Plus, the fact that all that was left from a pizza made from scratch were crumbs is pretty evident that she did clean. If your default is to blow up over something so trivial rather than also be an adult and have a conversation, you need to seek help.

[@isiaadiel3468]

That last story's last comment irritated me because my photos with my mom before prom are some of my favorite. She worked so hard to make it all happen. We have them in the house, and I didn't even like prom!

[@brandi5126]

Story 2: I can understand the wife's concerns after hearing why she doesnt like him but his wife sounds unhinged. She was physically hitting you and threatening divorce and keep you from your child. She is not a safe person. Even if she has validity to keep baby from your father, how she handled and treated you is unacceptable.

[@catandrobbyflores]

I was on her side, she told him no ultrasound pictures and he just stomping over her boundaries. The hitting was extreme.

[@marissabryan3521]

We marry our parents op marry his dad

[@anthonygilmour6236]

@@marissabryan3521 sadly I think her and her family are far more controlling, @busive and toxic than OPs dad at this point.

[@muhname6052]

Last story whats wrong with everybody? Its not about the photos. Prom is a big day for seniors. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time she got passed over for her younget sibling. "Reddit why dont my daughter have anything to do with me?"

[@TearsOfTheSkyBanshee]

For Story 3, I'm making the assumption that they live in the deep south. Because over there homecoming and prom are the equivalents of quince's. It was a culture shock for me when I first found out when I went, but I can defi itely see where the eldest daughter is upset. Especially, like mentioned before, if this isn't the first time being benched for the youngest. NAH, but I can see eldests side. And for those that think Prom is something that she'll forget, eeeffff no. I've definitely been in southern homes and seen all the debutante, homecoming, and prom photos still framed and on walls

[@n3rdv10l3nc3]

I live in Texas and people will spend a small mortgage payment on custom mums the size of a basketball for Homecomings and Prom.

[@rubystone9074]

For story 2: Ive been on reddit too long... because my initial thought was "Oh. The baby isnt his, its his fathers and shes trying too hard to hide it/feels immense guilt." That all said, and after reading the update, this all looks like an unfortunate case were OP is caught in an abusive cycle. His wife was always abusive and controlling, but he cannot see it because his sense of adoration and love is skewed due to his upbrining. I can be wrong about this, but this is my next best guess.

[@pippo17173]

Honestly what really makes it a ESH on this is that op admits he won't let him be with the baby more then a day. Kinda tells me he still sees potential abuse from him. Really that baby is gonna be going threw hell.

[@paulinadeboer3604]

I agree with you he needs a dna test. Not showing ultra sound has nothing to do with posible abuse father. What could he do rip up yhe picture? Strange thing i wonder what his father does for work. Cause you can see a lot from an ultrasound. The wifes controle over the baby stops at birth..

[@piiinkDeluxe]

I understand the "why bother" attitude when it comes to cleaning. My mom was like that. It was never good enough, never finished. Most of the time she crumbled herself under her own standards and didn't clean. But when she did she couldn't stop. So this unhealthy relationship with cleaning and the high standards were all transferred onto me and my usual response was just resignation. It took me years of adulthood to learn a reasonable level of cleanliness and also to treat it more like an organic circle rather than something you want to finish but you never reach that goal.

[@zapheil]

That…is such a brilliant way to put it, thank you. An organic circle, rather than something you try to finish but never can. I know somebody who has the latter viewpoint when it comes to homework, and I’m going to use your phrasing to explain why it’s unhealthy and what a healthier and more sustainable viewpoint would be.

[@piiinkDeluxe]

@@zapheil oh wow, thank you i feel flattered. 😊 Also, your comment just made me realize i used to have the same unhealthy way of dealing with homework and it often lead to resignation. So thank you as well!

[@jaycehoward2771]

Yeah let someone track wet snowy shoes into my house without cleaning and things would be not ok. Especially for a fucking adult. So I'm with the OP all the way.

[@wildfyah]

I get that unreasonable cleaning standards thing too.. I was always labelled the messy one for not being meticulously clean. I've been called filthy for *checks notes* not being able to clean after having a major surgery. I've been accused of ruining the house before..by people who ironically hoard and are messy...

[@RJLiams]

​@@jaycehoward2771 At what point in the story did OP mention wet, snowy shoes?

[@tracybarber-kier1669]

1. OP did overreact, but daughter needs to make sure that her friends take off their shoes before they go in, and also to clean up after the friends once they leave. 3. Prom IS a one time thing for Riley... since she didn't get to go to her "junior" prom.

[@witheredrose357]

S2 "I dont want your abusive father in our kid's lives, and I'm going to abuse you so it doesn't happen" how tf did she think that would turn out??

[@juanhaines7295]

Story 2 nta but I see why she didn't want him around the baby as well. But she has shown the same tendencies. I hope the court goes off of documentation and not just the the wife and mils words.

[@jodieg6318]

Story 1: I might be called an asshole for this, but while people may have been harsh on her for her OCD sounds like it was the wake up call she needed to take better care of herself. Mental illness may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility, I say that as someone with diagnosed PTSD and other co-morbidities. Once it starts effecting other people in damaging way it’s time to reevaluate the situation. And that kind of thing will effect her daughter. I grew up with a stepmother who also had impossible cleaning standards and I still remember the day I said fuck it and it effected for a good deal of my life. I was trying to be nice one day while she was out and clean the kitchen and do the pile of the dishes that had accumulated. When stepmother got home she was furious with me, positive that I hadn’t done it right. When she wouldn’t find anything wrong she pawed through the recycling (that had to scrubbed and labels removed) and then screamed at me because when she sniffed one of the tuna cans it still smelled a little like fish. From that day on I had very little interest in cleaning because what was the point with a standard like that and it contributed to my depression.

[@maeahem]

I don’t think OP1 was the ahole. Redditors went too harsh on her for her OCD. The teen should have cleaned up after herself and her friends. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked for Venmo though.

[@videofan1010]

OP#1 was a jerk to her stepdaughter. Reddit might have been harsh but she asked so they sniffed her out.

[@maeahem]

@@videofan1010 I don’t think she was a jerk per se. based on the post they seem to have a good communicative relationship and she even understands she’s trying to make friends. But if I ever invited people over, I knew it was my parents rules cos their house. Especially if you know your step-parent has OCD issues. Asking her to pay was too far, she should just have insisted she clean it up. Was annoyed with Reddit saying OP should just clean it herself. Uhm 😐 the kid is 18 and old enough to clean crumbs.

[@sunnie9754]

Yeah I second this. She’s 18. It’s incredibly rude to just walk in, make a mess, and then leave it for somebody else to clean, especially when they know OP has OCD. I think the Venmo was a bit harsh and if she confronted her in front of her friends I’d probably be a bit less forgiving but she definitely should have cleaned up after her. Idk maybe it’s a cultural thing but if I did that it would be extremely disrespectful.

[@gabrielaranna5809]

Imagine you have paid for a cleaning service, worked a full day, and expect to arrive in a clean and tidy home, but find mess and dirt. I would be royally pissed. The OP isn't the AH.

[@HarryVibes36]

@@videofan1010 this could’ve been avoided if stepdaughter just. Cleaned after herself before OP got home. She knew the rules.

[@janenorwood1614]

We need another update to story 2! I hope they either get therapy or divorce. Wife can only see OPs past but not her own family's faults and over involvement. He can always push for partial custody of his child after divorce

[@LordMekenshi]

Turns out that story was 9 years ago, so I dont think any update will be coming

[@sunnie9754]

Man the commenters on Story 1 are straight up cruel in places. I have OCD (not cleaning related) and after 7ish years of medication and starting therapy I’m still trying to fight back the voice in my head telling me ‘you don’t [insert compulsion here] then [insert bad thing here] will happen’. My Mum had OCD about cleanliness and if somebody walks in the house with shoes on (a big no-no where I live) she WILL hoover the entire house and mop the floors again even if she had already done it before that person showed up. It does cause fights in our house but we try and understand each other and at least try and compromise. It’s not a disease that should have somebody locked up by any means and therapy is a long, long process that (probably) won’t make it ever fully go away. I find it ironic that the same redditors screaming ‘abuse!’ are the same ones telling a random stranger struggling with a mental disorder that they should be locked up forever. Christ.

[@owl7072]

Especially the ones who said they have it themselves ✋️😭 like, you have this condition, you should have at least some semblance of what it's like or at least be _aware_ that there's different forms/intensities meaning not everyone will have the exact same experience.

[@elisejackson2854]

As a fellow person with ocd I 100% agree.

[@cptfwiffo]

But the point is: her mom is making it her daughter's problem. Massively overreacting. That is not okay. Talking about a few crumbs as disaster is indicative of a tyrannical household. Which is abuse. Your mom would do it herself. Her problem, her thing to address. Fine. And since you care, you try to ensure she can handle it.

[@sunnie9754]

@@cptfwiffo I interpreted this differently since I presume that pizza from scratch is going to be a bit more than a few crumbs, especially with multiple guests. But the shoes in the house would be the bigger issue as it would require the whole house to be cleaned again. This may be a cultural difference though. I assume OP is American (which I’m not) but where I was raised (not just my mum but the general culture) you’re expected to clean up after yourself and guests, especially if you’re an adult living under your parents roof and just making a mess and leaving would be incredibly disrespectful and rude. I don’t think it sounds tyrannical at all since she’s hired a cleaner and isn’t forcing her family to clean to her standards, she’s asking for the money back that’s just been wasted from the cleaning that was immediately messed up. Again though it is entirely possible this is a cultural difference and is normal for an American family so I can see why the daughter was upset but calling it abuse seems very extreme.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@cptfwiffo and it is the daughters problem for being a messy little B and not cleaning up after herself. Your really coming up with all the straws to make the op seem like an arse when the step-daughter is the massive one. The way the op reacted wasn't an indication of a tyrannical household or abuse as you so seem to think but an indication of a lazy step-daughter

[@ophilianecr]

Omg, story 1. I have OCD, but not the obsessive cleaning type. Mine presents in the process of doing things, and words/ speech ("words mean specific things")😒. Yes, I was triggered by her innapropriate use of "mess" and "destroying the house". 😮‍💨 But there's more to OCD than just cleaning and overreacting. It's a serious issue, where it can be crippling, and even destructive to herself and her family. I understand that the real underlying issue is that OP feels cheated out of the satisfaction to see her home cleaned after the service left, giving her the serotonin of a "completed cycle". Seeing the footprints and crumbs triggers the obsession and expectation of the results of the cleaning process, the idea that its sanitary and "safe". She can't help the feeling of intrusion, disruption and breaking of the cycle being a terrible thing. It leaves her feeling incomplete, cheated and can even feel like it's dangerous and something bad happens if the cycle isn't completely fulfilled. But this is why it's important for her to have tools and skills to help her distinct from her obsession and real objective problems. CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) really helped me deal with these moments where my OCD brings strong reactions and I get "stuck" on the incomplete cycle. Its important for her family to also know how to be supportive of her and HOW to speak up when she's stuck in those moments; maybe even help her through deconstructing them. While it's her issue to deal with 24/7; anybody who cares for their loved one is always willing to engage in their recovery/ therapy so the cohabitation can run smoothly. It's what loving, supportive people do, to actually make their family work.

[@thesewinggeekmiri9029]

thank you, your comment gave me a better perspective for where OP is coming from 😊 honestly, I didn't think of it as part of a cycle that gives a sense of security and a serotonin rush--I'm too used to seeing cleaning as something you do for better organization and easing depression (and obvs so you don't constantly feel disgust moving throughout your home), that is ultimately fruitless since humans are messy beings that constantly shed, but still needs to be done.

[@ophilianecr]

@ThEsEwInGgEeK miri I'm glad to hear that it opened up your perspective on ocd!☺️ For us, there's also a huge power behind ritual and routine. Knowing that "this is how things are done" is often mingled with the notion that _"this is the only right way to do them"_ and that's where we often find problems with others. But for us, our way feels like a NEED and a MUST, which other people might not understand. For those of us getting therapy, we have to re-train our brains to work from our natural state. That's why having others help us understand and have patience is very necessary.

[@emanx222]

​@@ophilianecr damn! These comments broke things down so well

[@ophilianecr]

@#Ayeni! Thanks love!!

[@ZombieSazza]

Story 2, man I feel horrible for OP, abused as a kid and being abused by his wife, I’d be seeking divorce because her behaviour isn’t gunna get better, it’s only gunna get worse. She basically just pulled “your abusive father can’t be near our child, the only abuser allowed near our child is me” OP is being controlled by his wife, his in-laws, is being walked all over, and having his child weaponised before he/she is even born with “you won’t even get so see your son/daughter.” OP, it might be heartbroken, but you NEED a divorce, this won’t get better, your in-laws and wife will constantly find ways to abuse you, use your child against you, and now violence can be added to the equation and will become more frequent in the future. You’ve already been reduced to “you don’t do anything for the baby” and “you only gave me sperm”, so trust me, this will NOT get better, she’s completely dehumanised you. OP, she won’t accept counselling and you should NOT and NEVER accept that any of this abuse is your own fault. You however need therapy, trauma therapy, because you’re blaming yourself for the abuse your suffering, something common with us abuse survivors. I blamed myself for the longest time, that I was abused as a child because I clearly deserved it for XYZ reason, it takes a lot of work to not blame yourself, to recognise you’re a survivor, and to recognise abusive behaviour patterns in others. I’d also make sure you document everything possible, so the bruising on your back, any police reports, any text messages, any physical evidence to prove your wife has been abusive, to prove your wife has been controlling, same goes for your in-laws. You can use this evidence to fight for custody in court, and if you don’t want custody then use it for a restraining order. I think you’re dealing with a lot of trauma, and it’s completely natural to not trust your father (because even tho I’ve been no-contact with my mother and brother for about 6 years now, I wouldn’t trust them near my pain medications for my nerve damage, to be alone in my property, to be near my pets, to be near my nieces), but you’re also struggling to recognise abuse from your wife and have convinced yourself that you love your abuser. Please get help OP, you deserve so much better in life.

[@cgi2002]

While all that is true, it doesn't really go far enough. OP is still happy to subject their child to their known to be abusive father unsupervised for "less than a day". I would never let that man be in the presence of children without supervision, anger management or not, abusers never change and should not get a 2nd chance. OP needs to confront this issue more directly (ideally in therapy), he can forgive his father but he should not risk his child because he chooses to forgive a violent person for been violent. However the wife was right about one thing, the ultrasound is her medical information, she gets to decide who sees it, it was a procedure done on her body, just because it also shows your unborn child doesn't remove it been her body. She is also right about the birth, she gets to pick who is there, the process isn't about the baby, its about the mother, she is the self aware one who needs support, the baby is at that point of its life, basically incapable of remembering what happened 10 seconds ago, so it doesn't care who is present and has no emotional connection to anyone in the room yet. On a side note however the inlaws appear to suck due to their over involvement and uncompromising posistion but I would not jump to conclusions on the wife yet. Her actions may stem from fear for her child rather than been abusive, the same can however also be said for the inlaws, depending on what they have been told. If they've just been told "his father abused him as a child and he wants him to see our child" many people will come to a much darker opinion than just physical abuse first, the go to for many is sexual abuse, and wanting to keep that away from children will often lead to extreme actions and even violence.

[@Batman-lg2zj]

He wasn’t he really abused but he should just listen to her

[@milfywaygalaxy5096]

He's leaving stuff out of the story. I am 99% sure. The wife had no right to put her hands on him, but OP's dad is still a child abuser at the end of the day. The people concerned with the baby's safety are probably fed up. The wife wasn't right to get physical, but she is probably in hysterics at this point because she's trying to defend her kid against a child abuser and OPs inlaws know his dad abused him too. There are healthier ways to go about this, but it's something they should have had conversations about long before getting married. OP giving his abuser access to his child isn't going to break the cycle. The wife can't trust his judgement he said "I wouldn't leave my kid with him for more than a day" So obviously dear old dad isn't suddenly just fine after all. Did he deserve to be hit? No. His abuse isn't his fault, but his baby's abuse WILL be his fault if he keeps giving his crazy dad access to his child and his wife's pics she told him not to share. And it absolutely is her decision who is allowed/not allowed the day she gives birth. That's a life of death situation and SHE is the one having the baby. You can get huffy and puffy all you want but you're wrong there in the fact that she should just let some child abuser walk in at her most vulnerable state demanding to hold her baby. You mentioned having trauma yourself. I do too. I'm a domestic abuse survivor. You of all people should understand why what OP is doing is not ok. Being abused isn't an excuse to hand off your kid to your abuser. How is that breaking the cycle??? Me and my husband broke that ish clear off. You need to before you DECIDE TO HAVE A BABY. His abuse isn't his fault at all, but at some point you need to take accountability and get yourself some help. He knows he's messed up. Everyone involved needs therapy. The only person that is losing and truly a victim here is that baby because everyone else is an adult capable of setting appointments to get professional help.

[@milfywaygalaxy5096]

​@@cgi2002 OP said he had to have court ordered, extensive anger management and take a bunch of parenting classes. As a mother and someone with an abusive in law, that wouldn't quell my mother's fears because "at least it wasn't seggual abuse" CPS doesn't require that for a few spankings. OP's parents did something really damaging. OP needs therapy and to go low contact with his abuser if he ever has a chance of breaking that cycle. I feel sad for his baby.

[@sagejungwirth4155]

I'm biased here, but I was raised by a single parent who died when I was in my 20s, my prom photo is one of the few images I have of her where you could see in her eyes just how happy she was for me (I'm on the spectrum so she wasn't even sure I'd want to go to prom). It's one of the few times i dressed up with fancy makeup and jewelry, so it was an extra special photo for her too.

[@Khaisz.]

Story 2: Wife won't let my dad see my child Story 2 update: btw, My Dad used to be Absuive and has Anger Problems. Yeah, I feel this is a esh. OP is leaving out some major info and the Wife is just an asshole who decided the best way to deal with someone who been abused was to abuse him more.

[@MONKEYDZETS]

Leaving out what that his wife is abusing him mentally and now physically

[@darkmask5933]

Story 3: People are too focused on the fact the story is 'just about prom pictures', that one commenter had it right, its not about the pictures, its about the pattern of neglect, whether real or perceived. Older daughter even said outright in the update that her father feels like younger daughter is being favored, so this is not a one-time thing. This might not be the last straw, but OP needs to see the signs that its coming to that point. Daughter is 18, and soon will have the power to go LC/NC if she chooses. Also maybe its just me but OP saying she 'deserves her vacation' over parenting rubbed me the wrong way. I don't think the best solution was to cancel her trip, but the fact she seems indignant over the idea made me feel kinda icky. Not saying OP is a step-monster, but I seriously get the feeling she doesn't see step-daughter's needs as important as her own or her own bio-daughter's.

[@rubymeaddle]

1. The husband also regularly gets to take trips and vacations, OP deserves her time. It has already been paid for in full. 2. The younger daughter's cheer absolutely is important and she deserves to be able to compete. 3. Stepdaughter legitimately needs to get over it. My father had to work for my prom, it is what it is. If the genders were switched NO ONE would expect the father to drop a planned vacation.

[@darkmask5933]

@@rubymeaddle are you kidding? If roles were reversed Reddit would outright assume husband is a deadbeat. I'm not saying canceling the trip was the right call, but older daughter is saying she is feeling neglected. If your advice is just "brat needs to get over it" then she's likely gonna bounce at 18 and limit any communication with her parents. This is a cry for help, they don't drop everything to coddle her but they should get the bottom of this resentment while they still can.

[@rubymeaddle]

@@darkmask5933 I never called her a brat

[@muhname6052]

​@Ruby Meaddle there's a difference from having to work and taking you 9 yo to a cheering tournament. The older will only have this prom and the younger daughter will have more tournaments

[@rubymeaddle]

@@muhname6052 but the daughter not being there costs the entire team the ability to compete 😮‍💨

[@dianabialaskahansen2972]

Story 2: OPs soon to be ex wife is abusive, just like OPs dad was. Really hope he can use that in a divorce to get full or primary custody.

[@LovesGaming37]

Probably not. Family courts usually don't care if it was one instance and it wasn't towards the child.

[@MONKEYDZETS]

She is abusing him

[@DocKrazy]

Story 1 and OCD: I don't have it. I don't nearly know enough about it to make a judgement on that. But I am very glad the OP talked with her stepdaughter, and also think it's possible the commenter who pointed out the added stress from work might be making the OPs symptoms worse could be very much a factor here. She might as well have a flare up if you like, and is right in saying she'll look into added treatment. But telling her to get locked up? That's way out of line.

[@luciferandassociates9255]

Story 1: Crumbs is one thing, but I have never, Never seen footprints tracked in a house unless you stepped in something extra dirty, that's gross.

[@tallyp.7643]

Might've been dirt picked up when they came in from the snow. OP did mention water marks on the carpet where it melted, which is a reason the shoe prints were so obvious. If there was dirt in there, definitely visible.

[@RJLiams]

Unless the carpet and floors were recently cleaned. Meaning even clean socks could leave footprints.

[@justniquol8972]

The outside world is filthy they could’ve brought in dirty, mud, etc. in the house.

[@lilithsmoonchild9519]

​@@RJLiamsyea, when my parents got the carpets cleaned, we couldn't walk on it for at least 2 to 3 hours to dry. So it is plausible for the shoes to make footprints and make the carpet dirty again.

[@protojager]

Story 3: if they knew about the prom months in advance then it's on the parents, if the daughter didn't tell them about prom until like 2 weeks before it's her fault.

[@Whitneypyant]

It sounds like they knew about months in advance. They stated that they got the date after school started. Senior proms are usually at the end of the year.

[@minsugasmelanin.6656]

Prom is a big deal in the united states. When i went to prom my aunt came down, my grandma also came over. My mom even left work early in order to take pictures with me. In my area we get to have two prom. the junior (11th grade) prom that is planned my the juniors for the seniors (12th grade) and our senior prom our senior year that we don’t have to plan.

[@Bos187]

Story 1: Mild ESH. It's clear that "take off your shoes in the house" is a rule in OP's house, which has been disrespected. But like one the in-video comments said, referring to some _crumbs_ and _stains_ as _damage_ is absurd. Just make stepdaughter clean it herself, no need for overly drastic measures.

[@sfsin3380]

I had a neighbor with clean house focused OCD. The family lived in the (converted) garage because it was allowed to get out of control to the point where she freaked out if anyone was in the house at all. Sadly based on how OP said the step-daughter cleaning after herself isn't good enough it really sounds like OP is heading that way.

[@capsizemoonz2251]

Me when i see an ableist (Im a cainist)

[@lauragarza7585]

I feel like it’s OP number one had talk to her first and asked her if she could clean everything up first before sending her the request. I think the situation could’ve gone a lot more smoothly. I think that’s why Op’s husband is not on her side. But I think this is a everyone sucks here because nobody’s communicating or taking responsibility.

[@JaneDoe1812]

I think OP was too upset about it and should have just went to calm down before talking to her stepdaughter.

[@rubymeaddle]

OP SHOULD NOT HAVE TO ASK STEPDAUGHTER IS A FVCKING ADULT

[@boopboop2771]

My childhood and teenage years were basically spent in fear of my mom's reaction if I left what she considered a mess. Wasn't allowed to cook other than the microwave and toaster. Even then she would take over. It did make me and my dad just not bother cleaning other than throwing our garbage away, because she would always redo it.

[@shadowkissed2370]

Growing up my aunt had custody of me and my brother. Our responsibility was doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the living room, cleaning our room's, and cleaning the bathroom. We would switch off on these chores, he would clean the kitchen while I cleaned the bathroom and living room and vice verse. No matter who cleaned what that day if it was not to my aunts standards, which were beyond any normal cleanliness, she would destroy the area that offended her wake me up at 2 AM, because I was older it was my responsibility to make sure that everything was spotless, and make me clean it all to her standards as she stood over me. So, if a dish did not squeak when she ran her finger on it, no matter who washed the dishes that night she would take every single dish out of the kitchen, get me up at 2 AM make me scrub the dishes until ALL of them squeaked, and scrub the kitchen down on my hands and knees. If the carpet in the living room didn't have straight vacuum lines (kind of like the lines you see in grass after mowing), no matter who cleaned it that day, she would get the garbage can throw it all over the living room and get me up at 2 AM and make me clean the living room spotless including washing the carpet the couches and recliners. If the bathroom mirror had one streak or she found one hair in the shower (which I am pretty sure she would put there on purpose) she would get the shampoos' conditioners' shaving cream, and anything else she could find and saturate the bathroom in it, and get me up at 2AM to clean it spotless until it sparkled. It is hell trying to wash down shampoo off the bathroom walls and floor, its like there is never ending soap, and when it gets stuck in the grout its even worse.

[@piiinkDeluxe]

Oooof. I am so sorry you had to live through that abuse!!

[@shadowkissed2370]

@piiinkDeluxe to this day, if I can't see the lines vacuumed into the carpet or the dishes do not squeak, I have a anxiety attack.

[@piiinkDeluxe]

@@shadowkissed2370 understandable! I hope you have a better support system now!

[@shadowkissed2370]

@@piiinkDeluxe I do for sure. I married a wonderful man who helps me through a lot even if sometimes he doesn't understand why lol.

[@ondank]

I feel so bad for OP in story 2. He was abused as a kid and has picked out an abusive wife.

[@potatoempress5731]

Poor Riley. Everyone is dismissing something she felt important to her. Including internet strangers. Geez.

[@piiinkDeluxe]

Thank you!!! I agree, i was with the therapist. She has probably felt second before, that's where it comes from.

[@GiordanDiodato]

blame the stupid rule

[@buildman126]

Lol how? Things were already set up. She needs to accept that the other events were set in stone long before the date for prom was even announced. Everybody isn't going to drop everything to do what she wants. Comes off as a minor tempertantrum to me

[@piiinkDeluxe]

@@buildman126 well yeah, viewed from a neutral standpoint. But a family has years of routines and behaviour behind them. She sounds to me she is used to the events of her little sister to be more important, so it is understandable that with such an important event to her, her prom, she loses it. If it was an equal group of friends, I'd agree. But here I'm sure there's hurt behind it, and they better address that (which doesn't necessarily mean going to her prom!). But they shouldn't want her holding resentment against her family. She's just 18. She won't be rational all the time.

[@eye-chan1711]

@@buildman126I just I can’t understand this mindset. I never cared about prom or any school events, but can understand it’s very important to some people. Not being able to see that this is a once in a lifetime event is very short sighted and unempathtic.

[@mythking541]

Story 3: If the story is as is at face-value, then NAH. However, if it is more like Riley feels like she has been neglected, especially if she experienced her parent's divorce around Lauren's age, and is just crying out for her dad's attention to validate that she matters, then OP is the AH, as she has the trip that is cancellable, she can take Lauren to her cheer competiton, and Riley and her father can experience prom, allowing Riley to feel like she matters. And if it is the latter, as I suspect, I would not be surprise if Riley goes NC with her dad and OP, and even Lauren sometime after high school.

[@macersracers7459]

The kids should come first, and it looks like only the new family is prioritized…Riley should never speak to them again

[@thesewinggeekmiri9029]

1st story: honestly, when OP said that their stepdaughter had 'ruined their house' I thought that the stepdaughter had accidentally set a fire or something. Y'know, damages that require serious remodeling? Not leaving behind crumbs in the kitchen and tracking dirt throughout the house.

[@JaneDoe1812]

I think OP should have taken a step back and then talked to her stepdaughter. Cuz I feel she was a little too upset to properly speak to her stepdaughter at the time.

[@rhondasisco-cleveland2665]

2- DOCUMENT. DOCUMENT. DOCUMENT. You should file paperwork NOW. 3- here’s a question, would OP be canceling her precious trip if dad had chosen to be there for Rylie?, rather than taking the 9yr old on a hobby trip??? I’ll just bet she would. I think Rylie may have been pushed aside many, many times, and this is a symptom. Maybe she wants to be chosen. She’s almost an adult, ready to leave home & they won’t have many more chances. When you’re always last, you notice, and it hurts. She may hold this as another slight, forever. I think family therapy should become the new priority.

[@kat1722]

For pictures you can do a dry run, have her dress up do her hair and make up and take pictures before, doing this also means you’ve not got a time crunch and you can spend a day turning it into a little photoshoot and you can make sure to really get beautiful pictures

[@kristawilson2642]

Story 1: This is an ongoing thing with the stepdaughter, not just this one time. She is 18 and should clean up after herself every time she has people over but didn't. That's why OP is frustrated. They don't need to "Go full on Cat in the Hat" to destroy a house but could do so other ways. By leaving footprints I'm assuming that the friends tracked in mud or whatever on the clean carpet and could possibly ruin the carpet if a stain could not be removed by steam cleaning or whatever. Stepdaughter is an adult now and needs to take responsibility. NTA.

[@bluealyssum192]

ikr cant believe people arent pointing out that the step mum shouldnt have to ask everytime

[@mikehilbert9349]

Frustration boiled over.

[@AndreNDP]

Disagree strongly. OP's standard of cleanliness is utterly insane and evidence that whatever she's doing about her OCD isn't nearly enough.

[@princesssunshine874]

As somoeone who has cleaned up after people many times I am betting this was a breaking point. The food print is less of a thing for me, but food waste is. Ants come out of no where. I am betting she deals with step daughter all of the time.

[@maurer3d]

@@AndreNDP Exactly, her including listing "a few crumbs on the counter" as being a mess, points to this woman have cleanroom (aka everyone needs to wear full body contamination suits all the time) levels of expectation for the house.

[@mattiekarwin3667]

They were unreasonably harsh about the OCD, but I feel OP was equally unyielding about the cleaning. Unless I'm mistaken, even in the end she was fully committed to having a professional cleaning crew in to take care of shoe scuffs and crumbs that a 10 year old could have effectively cleaned up inside two minutes. (Obviously being cruel about the OCD is way worse, but you know how Reddit is. When the obvious simple solution is treated as impossible, it's like a lid on the volcano)

[@rubymeaddle]

OP explained why: She's working too much OT to have the energy to clean. You're putting the onus on OP when the stepdaughter is an ADULT allowing her friends to make a mess in a house SHE DOES NOT OWN. It also wasn't shoe scuffs: it was tracked water and dirt 😮‍💨

[@wmdkitty]

@@rubymeaddle Then she needs to lower her standards and stop making her OCD other people's problem.

[@SuperYoshi29]

@Bluebirbas okay let’s not exaggerate the crumbs, sometimes I can go a week or more not wiping the crumbs off all of the counters and we are fine. Crumbs did not “ruin” the house and OP was wrong to say that she “ruined” her house, an absolute exaggeration. I thought stepdaughter threw a frat party at her house.

[@SuperYoshi29]

@Bluebirbas if there were only crumbs left after making pizza from scratch she absolutely cleaned, just missed a few literal crumbs. I know with my granite unless you squat and go eye level with the stone 100% guarantee I missed crumbs even after wiping multiple times because the cloth doesn’t pick everything the first, second, even third pass. I had to teach my partner the eye level trick because he was missing crumbs too when wiping the counter. Or maybe gasp it wasn’t stepdaughter at all and the two other underage children who also live in the house made crumbs and her precious cleaner missed it. Stepdaughter should have never let her friends wear shoes in the house. But OP is an unreliable narrator because if she can dramatize and over exaggerate her home being “ruined” by crumbs it makes everything else she says suspect. I wonder if daughter made a mistake on forgetting to tell her friends to take off shoes and mopped but it wasn’t up to OP sterile standards.

[@SuperYoshi29]

@Bluebirbas it’s been nice debating with you! Some people get mean and I end up deleting all my comments haha. 100% think outside shoes in the house are nasty and if she just didn’t exaggerate and told the step she needs to re-mop the floors I would have thought OP was 100% in the right

[@abbie_joan]

idea for the prom: dress up fancy and take the pictures early so she won't miss the photos and create another memory by having a whole fun over the top photo shoot done so she doesn't feel like she's being left out.

[@SwirlyPinwheel]

They proposed that. She didn't want to.

[@BeingLolaStar]

Footprints don't make the house filthy???? That's disgusting! I occationally wear shoes inside if I need to grab something quickly and I've never left footprints in my house. Wearing shoes dirty enough to leave footprints in the house is SO GROSS! 🤮🤮🤮 Why are people so okay with that?! I also have two dogs and they've never left footprints in my house either. The crumbs are definitely just the icing on the cake but the footprints are really disgusting.

[@JaneDoe1812]

It was something that her stepdaughter could have cleaned up along with the crumbs. It's not that terrible because you can easily clean them up. OP should have taken a moment to calm down then talk with her stepdaughter.

[@janapeterson5967]

Why do you thi k YOUR standards are better than yours? She spent $$$ to get the quality cleaning she wanted and it should be returned to that level whether by paying for it or doing it herself.

[@janapeterson5967]

Sorry it should have read better than hers.

[@JaneDoe1812]

@@janapeterson5967 I think if it's easy to clean it isn't ruining anything. And you're coming off as aggressive over stuff that's small. It isn't going to kill OP or anyone else.

[@tamsel814]

Story 3: that cheerleading competition rule is stupid. It's one thing to demand an adult to a company a child, but having the adult restricted to only guardians is just too much. Would make more sense to limit the amount of kids watched over per adult.

[@axepagode33626]

OP, Why did plan a girls weekend trip on the same weekend of your two daughter's major events?

[@bigcaper862]

Story 3: way to go step mom.... You just helped kill you're husbands relationship with his daughter.

[@ErdriedDeirdre]

Story 2: they really Really shouldn't have had kids. At least not with each other. 😕😐

[@AngelaVEdwards]

"Stepping in a puddle in hoisery when you're in a hurry is a morning ruiner" THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T BE WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE IN THAT STUFF!! Hoisery? That will last an hour or two walking across the house. Socks will last a few days. Walking around in sock things simply wears out your clothes and you will have to continuously replace them. Period.

[@ambermcglone4811]

The guy with the crazy pregnant wife , you need to start to record ALL of this ! The conversations and her behavior! This is only gonna get SO MUCH worse!!

[@princesssunshine874]

story 1: As a woman who has had to clean up after people, NTA. Especially since it sounds like you have addressed this issue on more than one occasion and she does not seem to give a crap. I think you need to stick to the "You need to clean up after yourself or I'm not paying for your phone." It sounds like she isn't paying rent and everything is taken care of for her. She's an adult.. BTW, If I leave one crumb out than Ants are right there.

[@tallyp.7643]

I live out in the sticks. If I were to leave bird seed on the floor for a few days, I'd have field mice moving in by the end of the week. After a few days of heavy rain? Wood roaches and ants try to come in, too. And I'm not obsessively clean, either. I just know that you gotta get food waste up and disposed of or you're gonna get a lot of unpleasant house guests. I spent a week with family who didn't clean up well after eating and there were always bits of food in the sink and on the counters and table. Saw a roach or two. What got me most was seeing ants coming through the window. My last night there, I felt the ants crawling on me in the bed, so I got up to shake the bedding out. I was so creeped out I never went back for an overnight visit again.

[@peggyseabrun4829]

I don't have OCD and I'd be pissed too. If thats the way O wants to play then her visitors can stay on the porch. She's aware of Op's OCD and that she pays for a cleaning service. To not clean up properly after themselves or ask them to take their shoes off shows disregard for OP

[@JaneDoe1812]

I would have just made the stepdaughter clean it up and tell her it wasn't cool. Saying the house is damaged and sending her an expensive cleaning bill is over the top. The house wasn't damaged. It was easily cleanable and OP thought it was essentially full on cliche teen party with beer and garbage everywhere.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@JaneDoe1812 sending the bill wasn't an over the top part but fair enough on the house is damaged since the may not be the case. If the daughter doesn't want to clean up after herself she can pay someone else to.

[@faeangel7649]

The horrific thing is the MIL said she'd be sure that OP never sees his unborn child. To me, that implies that she's willing to make sure that happens, and soon to be ex wife clearly agrees. Hopefully OP can get a shark of a divorce lawyer and a fair judge, because i only see more toxic drama from that family in the future. Also, a lot of people have already pointed out the fact that she abused him "because she was worried about his abuse" But It also stands out to me that the list of people from OP's side who would be able to see the baby for months was zero. His sister was never mentioned to be abusive, and yet she was also being denied? Wife clearly just wants him isolated from anyone outside of her control

[@WritersOnTheWall]

they made pizza from scratch, thats full on cat in the hat there was probably flour everywhere

[@legendarybushidobrown560]

With the last story I think what a lot of people are skipping over is it may not be important to you or a blip on your radar in life, but that does not mean it's the same for that kid in the story. It could very much be that she just wants her family to be there while she's going through a major milestone in HER LIFE. Although it comes across as selfish, she's a kid that's going through something. She deems as important and life-changing. Of course she wants the important people in her life to be there and will be upset when that doesn't happen. The OP doesn't have to give up the pre-planned trip but in my opinion, some things are worth sacrificing for your kids in my opinion bio or not. (As a side note, I'm a little confused on how the OP managed to plan the trip on the same week that everything is happening)

[@GiordanDiodato]

sacrificing who knows how much money is ok? also it's possible the dances/cheerleader stuff wasn't scheduled until after OP had scheduled everything.

[@legendarybushidobrown560]

@@GiordanDiodato Fair enough. We don't know the amount of money. I'm coming from the mindset of Your kids come before you but you have a point not only about the scheduling but especially the money aspect

[@MargaritaOnTheRox]

My daughter had prom last night. She's with her dad this week. He sent me a picture of her in her dress. She looks great! It wasn't a big deal that I wasn't there. For my prom, I don't remember if anyone took pictures of me. I think I took pictures while I was there, but they've long since disappeared. It's prom. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@Lillireify]

​@@MargaritaOnTheRox well it's important for her. And it seems like the therapist was right, it's not the first time. But F Riley, everything everytime is more important than her and her life events. I had similar story with me, my father and my younger brother. Everything was always about him, my life events were never important, because my brother this, my brother that. Riley will drop the father when she's 18.

[@tinohanabeb2437]

@@Lillireify in this case it seems like the other stuff was scheduled first

[@tamitami9275]

OP need to seek medical help. Wow. Crumbs make her this mad? Her therapy is not working!!

[@DaniS398]

The tech who developed my prom pictures ruined them and I cried for days. My friends came together and gave me copies of us from that night which I still have, but the pics at home with mom and siscand cousin, gone. It still gives me a pang and I'm in my late 30s. It's not "just pictures"

[@rubymeaddle]

Bruh get therapy...

[@j_g9109]

@@rubymeaddle Being an AH doesn’t make you cool or special. You just look weak and immature. A person is allowed to be sad that meaningful irreplaceable childhood photos got destroyed.

[@j.j.juggernaut9709]

Well idk about you but I have not even looked at the majority of my prom pictures even though I had a lot of fun and it has almost been a decade. I think I lost the discs the school gave us with all the videos and photos on it.

[@annaisnotdum3337]

Story one Is no one taking into account the footprints were MUDDY footprints. Op said it was snowing outside. If it was a bunch of footprints it would take a long time to clean up. The stepdad said he was too busy to have time to clean up. Op is the stepfather and thought it would be crossing the line to punish the daughter by making her clean up. What is op supposed to do other than let the muddy footprints continue to be on the floor while they are living? Making it spread everywhere? And I think it is insensitive to dismiss Ops OCD as them just over reacting BECAUSE of the OCD. Here is what we know, op can’t clean up the mess because they are busy so the mess would have to just stay and spread (even if it wasn’t spread that much to a person with ocd it is really unsettling to leave that mess and let it spread. Op cant really punish the daughter because it’s crossing a boundary. What is he supposed to do other than call a cleaning company? And should he have to be the one to pay for the Step daughter disrespectful leaving muddy footprints with her friends in a house that wasn’t hers. Just my 2 cents

[@owl7072]

Story 2: "You're father was abusive and in order to get the point across about me not wanting him near our child, I'm _also_ going to abuse and manipulate you!" Sound logic right there /s I understand she's worried, but treating Op like that in response?? Really??? Your spouse is in a clear fog and your response is to threaten to take away your kid and put your hands on him??????? He needs therapy, not threats.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

Plus it's like she's never heard of supervised visitation.

[@MusicGirl881]

Those comments about OP having OCD are ridiculous. Random strangers are ganging up on OP just because she’s airing her grievances about her stepdaughter not cleaning up after herself and the mention of her condition they with no medical license decides that’s she’s crazy and there’s no need for the stepdaughter to take responsibility for the mess her and her guest made.

[@GlucoseGuy]

Story 2: I feel like people need think about recording more interactions that they know could go sideways. Even if it's just audio from a phone in your pocket. Wife and MIL already made things clear that OP means nothing and the baby is leverage. He should be either going into these volatile interactions already recording or ready to record. Get the unfounded threats of legal action and crazy accusations on a recording. OP needs to get a lawyer right away.

[@Chantal_P-v4x]

Story 1 - When OP said her stepdaughter 'destroyed' the house, I was instantly picturing holes in the walls, furniture overturned and busted, maybe a couple of broken windows and even a stair rail torn off, or a door or two off the hinges. This kind of damage - yeah, I'd be furious with! But crumbs and footprints. Okay yeah, tracking dirt inside is certainly not great. but worthy of repayment for the cleaning costs? No. This is overkill. Surely it's reasonable to simply ask her to clean the floor and countertops, and that should be the end of it.

[@zapheil]

If there were footprints all over the place from wet outdoor shoes, I’d be pretty ticked too! That’s not a matter of running a vacuum over the floor to pick up a few fir needles that got tracked in, you have to wipe up a lot of floor! Water left on hardwood floors can cause long-term damage, to boot. And making pizza and then leaving the mess for ages? Nasty. But the punishment it for the kid to clean it up, and maybe something small on top of that depending on her attitude, not to charge her for a whole house’s worth of cleaning.

[@trout512]

I feel so bad for the kid in story 2. Mom shows the same abusive traits as Granddad, OP's so much of an enabler he's willing to sneak around behind his wife's back to make his father happy, and the ILs are stirring up all sorts of crap. Plus I totally agree with the wife in that some of OP's requests are too much. Sonogram photo? That's fine, and her reaction was inappropriate. But letting a known child abuser have unsupervised access to a minor OVERNIGHT????? Yeah, absolutely not. If the grandfather was truly reformed, he wouldn't mind being kept at a healthy distance. The fact that no compromise was suggested here means he could be pushing the issue. I hope someone, the courts, or a sane family member, whoever, intervenes and helps that kid.

[@randomusername3873]

The wife is an abuser that thinks fathers are second class parents, this is beyond the father in law issue, there's no way op could have a good life with her

[@pippo17173]

The marriage is a huge dumpster fire because apparently they didn't communicate at all.

[@janglesthearsonist5265]

Story 3: YTA I thought more people would understand the importance of Riley having both her parents to send her off to her only prom. In most cases when you have parents who divorced while you are young it tends to feel fairly special to have both parents set aside their issues for even a moment to be at a milestone moment for you. Prom may not be important to some folks but Riley has made it clear that it is important to her. If her father doesn't show because he's taking his daughter from his new family to an event that the daughter will be able to experience again in the future, then I know Riley will feel an extreme amount of alienation from OP and her father's family! The only lesson OP's husband would be teaching is that she can't rely on him to be there when it matters so she should soley rely on her mother! OP sucks for not canceling her vacation if her daughter going to the cheer competition is so important instead of encouraging her husband to turn his back on his daughter crossing a milestone into adulthood!

[@AngelaVEdwards]

Do all these "no shoes in the house" people understand that walking around in your socks wears the heck out of them and you have to replace them much more quickly? I understand wiping mud off your feet but I don't understand having to get rid of your shoes. My husband can't get rid of his shoes because one of his legs is a prosthetic and the prosthetic foot is difficult to put into the shoe after taking it out. No one with a prosthetic leg is going to be taking their shoes off in the house.

[@MusicGirl881]

Story 2: after hearing the update about OP’s dad’s past I now see why the wife is acting the way she is. As a mother she doesn’t want to have her baby to be exposed to an abuser but she should have put her hands on OP. They need to sit down with a marriage counselor in a space where they can hear each other’s side with a professional mediator cause I see a future of a messy divorce with a even messier child custody battle.

[@waterdragondelta]

I got to a point with my OCD where I stopped caring about “clean” so long as there are no layers of dust and none of the clutter is wet or had food in/on it. It’s possible. But it can take a REALLY LONG TIME. I was actually lucky that it became unmanageable when I was ~12, because my Ma’s a (good) psych nurse who got me therapy, held me in bed at night when I couldn’t quit pacing and remembering things I “needed” to do but wasn’t supposed to. Or questions I agonized over, that still have no “good” or “acceptable” answers. I remember night when I was too jittery and afraid of everything the only thing that occurred to me was to deep clean the kitchen. I can’t deal with ants, so there was at least a double purpose. My parent got up around 5 or so and I would pretend to be in bed once they started moving around. Mom would say “the cleaning fairy came!” and I loved that, but kind of hated it, too. I remember realizing that the grooves in the bathroom linoleum were white in some places and pale gray in others. Spending a night with a throwaway toothbrush, really aggravating my eyes and asthma and getting a bunch of bleach burns. Anyway. These days I have a lot more control. I had BETTER, I spent five years agonizing over balancing classic OCD with being a teenager who goes to school like a normal friggin person. But I still can’t let other people fold my laundry, I have to re-do it all. I can’t hide the “aghast” expression when I see how the casual t-shirts are mixed in with fancy tops, how the shoulders are all askew on the hangars. I can’t ask someone else to clean something, they won’t do it in the way I can live with. And it’s a shameful feeling. When you realize it’s YOUR head that’s so messed up you can’t just accept a kindness given, you can barely even see it as such. You see the results and all your brain can say is “wait, what, how could/why would. how do i hide this until i can fix it.” When I first heard this story I kind of hoped OP would find out her OCD is hurting not only her, but the family she loves. I also hoped that her family would realize how much this affects her, and that she needs HELP. I haven’t finished listening, but my fingers are crossed. (just the two fingers, and only for a moment. back when my ocd was at its peak I would cross both pairs on both hands, then link my thumbs together. Yes. I know how that sounds. OCD SUCKS.)

[@katie6731]

Unless the cleaners *only* cleaned the floor in the common areas of the house and wiped down the kitchen counters, it's ridiculous that OP tried to charge her stepdaughter the full amount of the "quite expensive" cleaners. It sounded like OP had just paid the cleaning company for the first time, realized that she'd spent more than she should have because of her excessive requirements, and figured that she could recoup the money by charging her stepdaughter the whole amount or by not paying Olivia's phone bill. OP mentioned the expense of the cleaners three times, revealing how important the money was to her. In cultures where it is considered rude to walk past the entrance of a home in outside shoes, people are so used to taking their shoes off as soon as they step into a house that it's an ingrained habit. They do it without thinking about it. Plus, there's generally a space next to the door to store outside shoes. Considering OP's OCD, I have a feeling that there's a storage system set up to hold outdoor shoes. I wonder if maybe the cleaners left the footprints. They had to walk around the house all day, and they would have gone into places the stepdaughter and her friends wouldn't have. OP said her *whole* house was filthy, not just the common areas.

[@izzisart]

Story 1: I am aware she has OCD, but at the end of the day, I think a better way to handle it would be to get the step daughter to clean it up and reinforce a rule about tidying up after herself. I know she said the Step daughter didn't clean to her standard but like... crumbs are generally an accident, if the step daughter had noticed prior and wiped them up, would OP still have had a problem? In that case, what was the step daughter actually supposed to do? I'm glad OP is getting therapy. Story 2: Wife was 100% in the wrong for her reaction, shouldn't be getting violent. I do have to ask though... why does OP want his abusive father around his kid? I mean, he says the guy isn't like that anymore but... OP is an adult now. Who's to say the guy won't treat a child so abysmally again? It's entirely possible he's only treating OP well because as an adult, OP could hit back. Story 3: Life sucks. It's not like she's not able to attend prom, just she won't have her dad there. Perhaps not how she would prefer, but sometimes, you just have to adapt.

[@rubymeaddle]

This step daughter doesn't clean up after herself that's the problem

[@RJLiams]

Anyone who unironically says life sucks is always the first to cry about how unfair something is.

[@RJLiams]

​@@rubymeaddle Except OP straight up says that the stepdaughter does clean up after herself. Also, did you miss the part about the pizza made from scratch? That kind of food makes a huge mess. The fact that only a few crumbs were left behind shows the SD cleaned up. Just not to this woman's standards.

[@rubymeaddle]

@@RJLiams She let her friends track dirt and footprints through the house and left it. That's not cleaning up after yourself. Also: I bake bread often. I clean up all the debris. It's not hard when you actually care.

[@RJLiams]

@@rubymeaddle she never said dirt. You're literally throwing that in to make it sound worse. All we know is footprints, and it can be made without dirt involved. Pizza has far more ingredients and messes going on than bread. Yet all that was left was some crumbs. Something that proves 100% she does clean up after herself. It's not worth a massive blow-up. Should she have cleaned it up? Absolutely, however, you're acting like she set the kitchen on fire and killed the cat.

[@kbb684]

Story 3: I am a former competitive cheerleader that also had a big Texas prom. If they are in a southern state, both are a HUGE deal. Cheer competitions are equivalent to any other sport (volleyball, football, etc) in terms of cost. One teammate gone for something like a sibling's prom would cause the team to forfeit and cost everyone hundreds of dollars (and piss EVERYONE off), as all teams block their hotels and book travel in advance of these out-of-state tournaments. Prom is also a MASSIVE deal, huge rite of passage. It's almost akin to a quince. Not having a parent there for you for something like that is so painful. They both need to be there for their kids on that one. It's disappointing OP was encouraged to screw a kid over and double down. Absolutely deserving of a vacation, but please work something out instead.

[@rachaelvaughan1017]

Story 1. Even when my family was at its poorest (we used to live in an old trailer with yellow carpet with holes in the walls and floors that had been poorly covered up and then my family got a newer trailer home). We could still rent or borrow another family member or good friends carpet cleaner to clean the carpets if we needed to so i think she should've just told the daughter to clean the floor but it sounds like her standards are impossible to meet if the daughter cleaned up enough to not leave the ingredients left out or some sort of huge mess

[@HaizeyWings]

Story 2: As a Canadian, I would've been incensed that someone walked indoors with shoes on. SO gross. I wouldn't have made the stepdaughter pay for the cleaning service, but I definitely would have had her vacuum and mop every inch of the floor, and wash any carpets

[@doof-the-chonk]

Story 2: I don't see how people are taking OPs side. His update already made it very clear that he is hiding extremely relevant information that favours his wife, so there's no telling what other information he's hiding. Also, if a person physically takes something of yours and does not respond to verbal demands to give it back, I think you have a right to protect your belongings. I suspect the OPs description of the wife's abuse is exaggerated and she likely just tried to get the photo out of his hand while he used his body as a barrier.

[@starbird3939]

Story 2 I feel like were are missing A LOOOOOOT of info here that I don’t want to make a judgement. Of course I would not want my child anywhere near an abuser… but I wouldn’t hit my partner except to defend myself. Is the wife really that abusive, or is this just another lie by omission by the OP?

[@courtneywoodbury5198]

"He's not gonna have Lauren's absence have the team forfeit." Wait...so if even one of those 9 YEARS OLDS was unable to attend, the whole thing goes to pot? What if someone had gotten sick?

[@agentzapdos4960]

Competitive athletics doesn't allow space for illness, poverty, schedule conflicts, or anything else. If you miss even a single practice or meet, your entire athletic career ends right then. Even when it's literal toddlers, the rules are still this strict. In reality, mere training isn't what produces elite athletes on its own. Only people born with specific beneficial genetic anomalies can be elite athletes and even then only with extreme, unforgiving training from as young as physically possible. As an example, the Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has far more webbing in his hands and feet than nearly all other humans, and he's been swimming since he was in diapers.

[@courtneywoodbury5198]

@@agentzapdos4960 Well that is shitty.

[@macersracers7459]

These “parents” are trash…Riley should never speak to her dad and his new family again, he obviously cares about them more, she didn’t say he favors the new daughter over her just based on this one thing

[@macersracers7459]

@@agentzapdos4960 well that’s not healthy and children have siblings, sports should not make siblings take the backseat. Plenty of people live perfectly fine lives without making their siblings constantly sacrifice for them. No one should do those kinds of sports until the culture around them changes.

[@agentzapdos4960]

@@macersracers7459 There's a lot of reasons why most professional athletes are only children from middle-class or higher backgrounds.

[@scarletonyx8507]

I’ve been super fussy about my house and how clean it is. I cleaned to make the house look like a show home and was obsessed with it always looking perfectly presented. With 4 children 8yo and under. It definitely effected my relationship with my husband. If the house got below my benchmark, my mental health spiralled, still does sometimes. I was diagnosed with traits of OCD just over 20 years ago and finally have found treatment that has moved that benchmark far closer to what is comfortable for everyone else I live with, while still being compliment-able by my mum on how lovely my house always looks. It may have taken me over 2 decades to find the answer to my OCD and other mental illness issues, but I’m here now and I may not have been a few times, and I’m grateful. If you read all this, thanks for being interested, wishing good things for you😊

[@fishsticks3729]

Story 1, O needs to dorm. Being a commuter in a dorming school is very hard, it makes having friends way harder. O also has to be able to live her life without having to put up w step moms needs. That is individuality. Defining your own cleaning schedules, and stuff like that. (This is ofc if dorming is feasible)

[@SnowyWolborg]

Story #1: NTA. We are not talking about an understandably careless 10 year old. The stepdaughter is a college student. She wants to have friends over. She controls the mess they make. End of story. You don't ruin someone else's home and then act like you're not responsible.

[@JaneDoe1812]

Footprints and crumbs aren't ruining the house. It's stuff you can easily clean and not charge someone an effing expensive cleaning bill over. All she had to do is take a step back, calm down, and tell the stepdaughter that this wasn't okay. Not charge her a ton of money over it.

[@owl7072]

​@JaneDoe1812 to be fair, while the response to the crumbs was a bit over the top, Op did clarify that it was apparently snowy outside and they tracked in snow which then melted and caused of bit of water damage or whatever on the floor which is understandable to be upset about

[@oliviaksiag6163]

At first I thought the wife was crazy, but then OP just casually left out his father's past abuse of him. Makes me wonder what else he's leaving out of the story to make himself look better.

[@XxdeathbyleoxX]

He mentioned that his dad went through therapy and anger management classes and had never been abusive since. That would have been decades ago. People do change and its clear his father did. OPs wife went straight to physically abusing him over a picture. His wife is crazy, he is not. He wasnt hiding something that hadnt been a problem since he was a young child.

[@sorantohell5096]

He also said his dad went through therapy and changed for the better. His wife currently is just an abusive prick who wants to use the baby to control him.

[@shootingcomet082]

Story 2: While what the wife did was wrong, I also can't imagine letting my child near someone who abused me as a child; let alone ever consider leaving my child alone with them, and for an extended period of time at that.

[@matmil5]

So what you mean is, wife shouldn't be allowed near the child either? She shown abusive pattern. Which might as well extend to the child

[@shootingcomet082]

@@matmil5 Yes, there's definitely an argument to be made for the courts taking away custody from both parents. Maybe a family member would be willing to take the child in. If not, this might be one of those sad situations where the child is screwed no matter what's decided.

[@maurer3d]

Story 1: YTA, unless their shoes were caked in mud (or something similar), what you are describing is just standard living. And a few crumbs being left on the counter does not "ruin your home". You really need to seek treatment for your OCD. Story 1 (more info): OMG this is over :water stains", those can literally be cleaned from hard wood buy running a swiffer over them once, or a vacuum on carpet. No wonder the step-daughter had trouble making friends, they were all afraid of crazy step-mom.

[@billvojtech5686]

Regarding ruining the house: The house wasn’t ruined. I was thinking flood or fire or holes kicked into the walls. But stepdaughter also was wrong for lying and not taking responsibility. She should have cleaned up. If it wasn’t to ops standards, then she should point out what she missed and finished the job. If she refused, she should pay the cleaning bill. I can tolerate a lot of mess, but when I clean, I CLEAN. I mean like taking a toothpick and getting crud out of every crevice. To assume stepdaughter can’t clean and immediately bill her was an over reaction.

[@HoplesTheSnek]

Did anybody overlook that it was snowing in story one? And the kiddos were in the house in country that sees shoes inside house as rude? There is salt and gravel used to treat pavement outside during winter. That melts the snow and ruins shoes and floors when melted. And if they did this after the house was cleaned, wow, so much ahole.

[@tamsel814]

Story 2: (prior the update) i feel like the wife suspects that the dad is/will become abusive. Either true or imagined. After the update: I guess I was sort of right (altho I suspected child sa). This whole situation is messed up.

[@carlrood4457]

I'm finding the cheerleading "rule" suspect for one specific reason. My daughter was in dance competitions and there's one simple thing to consider. Dad's are useless as the parents to take the kids to the competitions. They're not allowed in the dressing rooms to help the kids get prepared (costume, hair, makeup, jewelry). They'd actually prefer an aunt to a Dad for that very reason.

[@kellyb381]

Story 1. She’s 18 years old. She should have policed her friends. Or at the very least cleaned up after they left. She didn’t even bother to wipe down the kitchen counters

[@hanoh2904]

I know someone with cleanliness OCD. She'd sleep on the floor after work because she thinks she's too dirty to sleep on the bedsheets

[@beck9238]

Done that before, usually because I have allergies, and if I bring pollen or dust into my bed, I wake up with an allergy attack that turns into a sinus infection

[@Nursern1974]

OP different story. If your father abused you they may fear for the safety of the baby. Depends on how bad the abuse you related was. You and your wife need to work through this without interference from other family.

[@eye-chan1711]

Story 2: OP needs to run from the wife and father. I understand the wife’s concerns, but being abusive to stop abuse doesn’t help anyone. Wife needs to run from OP. I hate to say it, but I hope OP doesn’t get custody(maybe visitation). He seems blind to abusive tendencies and I don’t know if I would trust him.

[@mikehilbert9349]

Story 1: NTA, OP paid for a high level cleaning service and did not even get to reap the benifits of it, because her inconsiderate daughter and her friends just couldn't be bothered to have some manners and decency to take off the shoes and clean up their mess. I am no clean freak, trust me, but I can understand OP being frustrated.

[@catlover9078]

I understand Riley in story 3, in my country prom is a huge family thing pictures, father daughter dance, mother son dance, etc. I still haven't forgiven my dad for missing the father daughter dance, and it was almost 10yrs ago

[@SherriLyle80s]

S1: Not footprints!! 😂 Gesh get help lady.

[@HodajuciParadoks]

1. Shoes that are wet, muddy...are a nope..nope nope in the home. Most homes have carpets, they do not clean fast and easy when there is mud on it. But other stuff is fine, fast to clean.

[@HodajuciParadoks]

2. I really want to know what his father did to the OP, she might have reasons why she forbids for her and his child to have any contact with his father...what did he do? Hit Op? SA OP? Big difference tho. What kind of abuse it was? She should not have hit OP, unless he was violent or pushed her. Personally I would not have children with someone who have abuser in the family and they are still in contact with them. I would not even date them. No future.

[@michellemurry2180]

Story: Lazy, entitled, undisciplined would only think she's the problem. Girlfriend is in college, she damn well should clean up after herself. I bet she busses them out too, typical..🙄

[@ShowdogTiger]

Prom issue. Pay for the child's hair and makeup and her date's tux twice and take the pictures on a different day.

[@jbgra2566]

That second story was a dumpster fire. People like them have no business bringing up kids into the world

[@AngryReptileKeeper]

S1: OP's stepdaughter sounds like a disrespectful little sh!t, honestly. She knows no shoes are allowed to be worn in the house. She knows things are to be clean. Yet she totally disregarded that. The girl is 18. She's more than old enough to know better. OP's NTA just because of this. I'd have made the stepdaughter clean the mess to OP's standards, but oh well. Stepdaughter needs to learn respect in other people's homes. S2: Ehh... I feel like when the husband gestates a baby for 9 months and then pushes it out of his d!ck, he can have the final say on who gets to hold the baby and when. I also wonder if the FIL is 'wierd' as in creepy. I'd like to hear her side. But she's definitely wrong for assaulting her husband.

[@mindyschocolate]

S1: maybe schedule the cleaning lady for after the daughter’s visit in the future.

[@tamsel814]

Story 1: the stepdaughter didn't ruin her house. The house isn't ruined it's just messy. Based on the description of the mess it could be cleaned up in 20 minutes max. Well... For a normal standard of clean. Small additional thing, it's not just ops house it's also the dads and the kids (including the adult stepdaughter).

[@HarryVibes36]

Then that makes step daughter even shittier. 1. She knows OP has OCD 2. She knew the house rules 3. She let her friends come in with shoes on and made a mess 4. She didn’t stop to clean…? She would know OPs rules. She’d know how she’d get,

[@heatherdickau5335]

Story 1 if your OCD is so extreme, you need to live alone. It would be exhausting living with this person and trying to live it up to their standards.

[@Raaslen]

Story 2: both OP and his wife/ex are unreasonable. ESH