My Husband Is Bullying Our Son For Helping Me In The Kitchen And Not Being A Man r/Relationships

[@fallingawayfromthenorm]

Story 1 - NTA. The dad is why we have grown men out here who look for mom’s who take care of them instead of partners who share in chores with them. Men can be excellent cooks and it’s a major shame to discourage young men from helping and enjoying in cooking. Toxic masculinity hurts men as much as it hurts women, limiting them to only one “correct” way to be a man, and anything else makes them a woman, gay, etc. Edit after update: It sucks that the husband was forcing the same toxicity on his son because of how he was mistreated. I feel for him, but I wish he could have talked to his wife about this before having to get his ass handed to him by his dad. I hope he explores his interests as well, enjoying them to the fullest.

[@alexius23]

Veritas!

[@Davtwan]

It’s sad how a bully’s toxic behavior spreads to the victim one way or another. I hope that crush pricks herself on ever knitting needle she every comes across as a reminder to stay humble.

[@tinkrtailr]

My dad is the cook in our house, mainly because his mom was such a terrible cook, he and his sister made a pact to never be like her. They're the best cooks in my entire family. It was so normal to me, growing up I thought the stereotype was that men were the ones in the house cooking, not women.

[@michealwatts7469]

I wouldn't classify it as Toxic Masculinity necessarily.. just a dad who is being a dumbass. Being a dumb ass isn't toxic its just being ignorant.

[@boooo13]

Sometimes people need someone kinda more like them for them to understand an issue, which can include having their ass handed to them. Basically, I think he needed someone who fits his idea of man telling him he's a dumbass and explaining why - baby steps kind of thing.

[@JohnnyBluegrave]

I get Reddit likes to push divorce immediately but why are these op's surprised by people recommending that when they post the worst things that they do and not state any redeeming qualities about their spouse.

[@fallingawayfromthenorm]

This! Without any examples of their good parts it’s hard to find reasons to think people should stay with someone if they’re getting like really nasty or harassing members of the family.

[@comajuice]

"Hey so my husband is a horribly sexist bully and is bullying my child, and tried to use his father to strong arm me into bullying my child as well" "Why would I divorce him!!!??? He's such a kind sweet man!!!"

[@Mephistofeles]

Because most people that post make the mistake to think the people giving "advice" have at the very least half a brain and 1 braincell to spare to judge things based SOLELY on what is asked, not do the usual reddit "make a bunch of fanfics and speculations in their head and treat it like gospel"... You know, because when the behavious IS recurrent they specify, but reddit gotta reddit i guess.

[@audreynothepburn7663]

I’ve heard a lot of OPs stating all the good things about their partner, except for this thing or that thing about them. And Reddit is still gonna encourage either therapy (couples/individual) or leave the relationship.

[@bjas60]

I feel like I’m this situation bullying or hurting the child in someway lowkey trumps most of any good qualities. It’s good that it ended up well, but bullying a kid for being themselves is just not it bro. Like I would consider it even if I have the best relationship and he’s a great father to the other kids, if one is left behind for very sexist views and I’ve already tried communicating the issue and it’s ignored, divorce is definitely an idea. Thank god his father came in to rip him a new one because without that I would have left with the children if possible.

[@samssams666]

Story 1. NTA, if this son became this man's daughter, he'd kick him out immediately. This woman needs to have a sit down with her husband. Even if some can't agree with their kids. They shouldn't abandon them or hurt them. That isn't a good parent.

[@goreslashdow3813]

Or even if Matt becomes a femboy or something like that. Anything that isn't in this man's narrow view of what a guy should be.

[@raptoress6131]

He's just a boy who likes cooking and art, that doesn't make him a girl or less of a boy.

[@joshmcatee689]

​@@raptoress6131 Thank you. Im gay AF and I love food and cooking, music but I also love rock climbing, Soccer, and scholastic endeavors. Is being a professional chef feminine? no. Is being a professor feminine? no. Eat. a. bag. of. dicks. dad.

[@damien678]

​@@raptoress6131 obviously, but it is honestly a serious concern for any parent that wants to actually stick by their kid

[@bryn1063]

I don't think op is saying he's trans. I think the poster is just worried for the kid. Like a what if? The dad does seem like the person to kick their kid out. If he freaks out this much over cooking, then it wouldn't suprise me.

[@Ospyro3em]

Story 2- it really annoys me when people have this attitude. Gatekeeping tiredness is really frustrating- a few people i knew would put on social media "you only work 9 - 5? You don't know what tiredness is!" People who work 9 - 5 are allowed to find that tiring!

[@djdomain]

To some people it really is a pissing contest, with the belief that if they can prove that they have it just slightly worse (by their subjective standards) then that completely nulifies your problems and that your life is all rainbows and shineshine therefore you are obligated to help them since you have it so easy.

[@kateemma22]

Tired/trauma Olympics competitors need to sit the F down.

[@itsjustmaddisen]

I've had people try to gatekeep my tiredness. They look super embarrassed after carrying on then I tell them I have a chronic illness that makes me tired and have actually had to be taken to the hospital for it. Suddenly they get really quiet lol.

[@lynnw7155]

IMO they are both AHs. I hate when people get into that kind of pissing contest. We've all had times when we are too tired, have too much work, and are frazzled. No one wants to listen to it.

[@ComaLies225]

Glad there was somewhat of a resolution in story 1. Cooking is not a gender based hobby it’s a necessity. I remember my eldest brother called me once while I was doing night classes in college. He wanted to know how to make mashed plantains. All he needed to do was peel the skin and boil, lol

[@LilySaintSin]

Bro, most top chefs are male.

[@thesamuraiman]

Bruh, wtf is your profile picture

[@ComaLies225]

@@thesamuraiman don’t know. I think it’s a mold of a screaming scary face. I found it once lol

[@ChaoticNalilitoMC]

Bruh my dad would NEVER let what happened in story 1 fly, even if my sister and I were boys. Like, he was in the Navy out of high school and even my grandpa who served in the Coast Guard for 42 years not only know how to cook, but also do things that men get shit on for like sewing. Even to this day my grandpa loves using his embroidery machine to make towels and such for people in the family because he finds it therapeutic to just listen to the machine since his hands can't handle making quilts anymore.

[@damien678]

This makes me (FtM) feel good for having learnt to cook and sew when I was real young (7 onwards) I already felt good about them because they're genuinely very important life skills, and I don't care to stick to gender roles, but the reassurance still helps.

[@ivorynk752]

Bob Ross was a drill sergeant, and not an ineffective one like his soft spoken demeanor in is shows might lead you to believe, He just didn't like the negativity of shouting down at people after he left the military. Having artsy hobbies doesn't mean you cannot be tough or firm.

[@ChaoticNalilitoMC]

@Damien congrats to you! And yeah, my dad basically learned from watching other people how to sew which he used for upholstery when he needs it. Plus we also enjoy watching Worst Cooks in Amercia from time to time and my dad just shakes his head at the people being so clueless about cooking, wondering how the heck they survive like that. Don't get me wrong, my dad also is kinda conservative, so to speak, about boys doing boys stuff and vice versa. But he won't shut it down and be sexist about it. Case in point: my nephew tends to play with dolls with his friend (who is a girl) and he doesn't care. He only gets a bit upset when he feels like what my nephew wants gets overshadowed by his friend (an issue with them). He also doesn't care if the girl wants to play with all the nerf guns my nephew owns etc. He would also not bat an eye whenever I did more boyish things while my sister did more feminine things.

[@ChaoticNalilitoMC]

@@ivorynk752 ugh YES! It bothers me that people forget about that fact about Bob Ross

[@damien678]

@@ChaoticNalilitoMC he sounds cool honestly

[@Takisan111]

My dad was bullied by his dad for helping his mom and grandma cook when he was little. He kept at it because it was fun and he already didn't like his dad so he didn't care if it pissed him off or not. When he and his brother moved into their own place near Dads college, Dad made an entire Thanksgiving dinner and invited everyone in the dorms to come by to have some when they had the time. He was also the one to give my siblings and me our introduction to cooking. My brother got the most out of these lessons and often hosts friend get togethers at his place. Other guys are always praising him for his cooking skills.

[@kaykay8855]

Story 1: NTA. Have op’s husband or brothers try to show any interest in Matt’s hobbies? Also, how is cooking ‘girly’? It’s a life skill, and will help him provide for his family when he gets older. Story 1 update: can we just encourage our kid’s’ interests, as long as they’re safe, can we just encourage them.

[@elizabethescalante8114]

FIL should remind his son that there are LOTS of men who are famous chefs! Gordon Ramsay, Emeril Lagasse, Mario Batali, Anthony Bourdain! Need I go on?!

[@kaykay8855]

@@elizabethescalante8114but it does pose the question: Why do people, men and women, insist that cooking is a ‘woman’s job’ because I know that a man had no choice but to cook for himself and/or his family at least once.

[@immasnakeee6460]

@@kaykay8855 it’s a shame because my siblings and I (Boys and girls) know how to cook and clean. We’ve been doing it since we were in middle school.

[@pippo17173]

@Elizabeth Escalante Ramsey is like the most Manily man I have seen. Like dude the way he gets mad shows what he has been threw in his field.

[@despinasgarden.4100]

@@kaykay8855 sexism and misogyni most of the time, i fully believe is because of that. Also, because work around the house is usually look down upon, is seen as a chore or an annoyanse that you must do, most people don't like doing stuff around the house like cleaning and cooking, they just want the final result without the prosses. So most men push the chore of cooking on women that stay at home because someone has to do it. Also, i think we should put some blame on mothers that cuddle their sons so munch that they end up being useless and up needing another person to do everything for them, most of the time their wife, while also teaching their daughters to cook and clean because "they will never get married".

[@HoneyBakedHamlet]

Story 2 - As a mother with FIVE kids, I just want to say NOT THE A**HOLE. wow. Since when does being a parent mean you are the only one who knows what it's like to be tired?? I'm so annoyed by people like this, giving those who have kids a bad reputation for being gatekeepers.

[@itsjustmaddisen]

People in my family have tried to gatekeep my tiredness "because you're so young, you don't have a reason to be tired." They looked really foolish when I told them I have a chronic illness that causes me to become really tired quite fast after doing something and that's something I had no choice in lol.

[@jamesrkrau2481]

When I was 10 my mom said men are suppose to run machines. She taught me how to use the washing machine. The dryer hanging and folding clothes(the correct way), cooking and even the sewing machine. These are as simple as reading directions. I had two sisters who my dad taught them how to change a flat tire. The three of us learn a lot of important life lessons.

[@owl7072]

Story 2: Oh she's one of THOSE parents Edit: "You were insensitive to her struggles" struggles with what??? Deciding what to watch on Netflix??? If what Op said is true, she doesn't do anything but clean, assuming she even does that. If Op's an AH for not being sensitive to the struggles of someone barely even struggling than what does that make her?????? Edit: "You should have put her in her place quietly and privately" She said Op looked like shit the moment she got there and downplayed her issues in front of everyone. You do _not_ get to pull that shit then cry about them not responding "quietly and privately"

[@MortalOrder]

Especially when OP was so sleep deprived. Like I can’t blame her for not regulating her reaction

[@robertshrewsbury5067]

There is a young man who knits sweaters, to save other peoples lives. He is doing exactly what a "manly" person does, helps protect people in need. Men who can cook healthy meals, have better budgets and health. At the least, outdoor cooking and cooking at sporting games, are "manly" sports and with ardent followers. My Dad, sewed down sleeping bags for his family, so we would all be warm and safe out camping. I hope your husband can expand his horizons and capability in life. Glad the root, of former bullying, was uncovered.

[@HackiePuffs]

That ESH comment in story 2 tho. It’s like most of the ESH commenters who think they’re so mature and know exactly how to perfectly handle every single situation but I guarantee that if they were in OP’s shoes (especially with OP being burnt out and sleep deprived) sooner or later they’re not gonna be so high and mighty and are gonna snap 🤣

[@mellodees3663]

I think OP2 deserves a lot more leeway.

[@MortalOrder]

OP was sleep deprived of course she had that reaction!

[@colleens1107]

As usual a bully can dish it out but not take it. And I agree, B should have been called out for her nastiness long ago. I’m glad A sees that and apologized to OP for allowing the bullying to go on. Just dump the other girls, they aren’t friends

[@rebekahbell4298]

Story 1: if he wants to be big macho manly man we can play that game. What kind of manly man doesn’t know how to do basic skills to keep themselves alive? And in the words of my grandmother “all the men in the family know how to cook at least one dish expertly and they’re the only one who makes that dish. How else are they gonna keep themselves happy and healthy on their hunting trips?”

[@icewolf6062]

I remember my dad always telling me “there’s nothing sadder than a man who can’t take care of themselves” Cooking. Cleaning. The basics. You don’t need to do everything but you should be able to at least get by decently

[@scarlettg.5772]

Story 1: honestly if Matt becomes good at cooking he’ll actually have a one up from most boys/men his age when it comes to girls/women. Most women find men that can cook valuable and attractive. Hardly anything is sexier than a man that can and does cook. So his dad thinking it’s unattractive for men to cook is silly. Good on mom for encouraging his hobby and love of cooking. My son will learn to cook as well.

[@Fingerscrossedout]

@2:13 it's hilarious because that's what most women find attractive, men who know how to cook. 😂 So the father saying it's not how he get girls is actually projecting his own insecurities onto him

[@yzer]

Exactly! 2:15 I only got past date 2-3 and shifted to her longer term guy countless times ONLY because of my legit cooking skills - got even more bonus points for owning and utilizing the proper equipment in my kitchen. Homemade pasta was my please don't be too mad at me meal. Ex's have even kept me around for a few months past our normal break up point soley because I made fresh dinners. They've specifically said it twice.

[@totallynotalpharius2283]

Dad : men shouldn’t cook! Also dad : eats his steak well done

[@Gumbier_Than]

Right. Does he think calling cooking girly and being a butt to the one who handles his food is smart? 🙄

[@whitneybennett4857]

Lol, I fully agree with that one commenter. I wonder if OP's husband would have the balls to look Gordon Ramsay himself in the eye and tell HIM that because he loves cooking, he's not manly. Would kill to be a fly on the wall for that scenario.

[@heathermiller5765]

@@whitneybennett4857 Probably tear him a new one verbally lol

[@faesolada445]

Story 1: NTA. My husband, all 6’3”, of him loves cooking. He even said that he’d love to see this guy walk up to him and call him weak, fragile and not a man. After showing this guy his wrestling trophies from high school, he would then show him how to make a chocolate cake from scratch. 😸 Edit to add: my husband just asked “wait, who does the grilling in that house? That’s strictly a man’s thing! Women don’t know about propane and propane accessories!” lol

[@humanbeing8948]

Story 1: i bet the husband has never been camping. He probably cant fend for himself.

[@charityquill4965]

Also cooking BBQ is a major staple in traditionally masculine things lol

[@owl7072]

Story 1: So why is it he has to do something they like in order to "bond" but they don't have to do anything _he_ likes in order to bond? "You shouldn't be doing girly things or girls won't like you" tell me you don't understand women without telling me you don't understand women. I'd be ecstatic if I found someone who even remotely liked cooking as much as I do, rather than someone who just expected me to do it because "real men don't do that" Edit: "He needs to learn how to provide" learning to cook isn't providing??? How is playing sports "providing" but cooking isn't????????? Edit 2: He didn't want his son to be bullied.... so he bullied him.

[@jessilyngray1223]

Story 2...I have two kids under the age of 10 and my husband is deployed I'm tired. My best friend is getting her doctorate she's exhausted and I am supportive

[@driversuz44]

Story 1: OP should say to her husband, "You know how to KNIT? Please teach me!" That would be one of many ways in which a man "leads" the family. What would be more leader-like than a masculine man stepping out of his comfort zone to teach is wife how to do some aspect of "the wife's job?" Of course it would be a symbolic gesture, but it also integrates well with the masculine leadership he was taught by his father - which he seems to want to express. He's just been doing it wrong, most likely due to a trauma warped perspective.

[@Cjaj2]

as a 20 year old male trying and failing to teach himself cooking, I hate that cooking is seen a girl thing instead of a basic life skill. My mother is an amazing cook and taught both of my sisters but would never teach me because it was a girl's thing and they were bonding as girls. The only thing I can do halfway decent is baking and that's only because I was super close to my grandma who did all the holiday baking and took over for her when she became too sick to do it on her own

[@heathermiller5765]

I'm better at baking than cooking as well. I make the most bomb ass brownies too 😊

[@bluemist781]

That last story makes me cringe so hard. During a time of my pregnancy where most my energy was going to a thing making movement hard I got hit by a car. I don’t drive, I walk, I heard I got sent flying. Recovery took a lot especially with staying calm so I don’t lose my child. Did I at any point despite pain and tiredness (it made pregnancy related insomnia worst) ever downplay or devalue others struggles, pain, or exhaustion? Hell no. Parents that do that shit really piss me off. This year has been the worst and despite all the bs that keeps getting chucked my way I’m still able to be there and validate my loved ones. I ain’t shit so I know those sorts of people should be capable of some level of empathy if I can manage that. Responses like that feel so slimy, like they’re meant to passively aggressively say “lmao, you’re struggling? That means nothing to me because I don’t actually value you.” Disgusting behavior, absolutely gross 🤦‍♀️.

[@andysixxstalkerangeloftrag5833]

Real men aren't adhered to gross stereotypes. Real men can mow the lawn, build the fence, fix the car, work 15 hour shifts, help with kids, do laundry, wash the dishes, take out the trash, clean the garage, and cook supper. Not saying they have to do all these things, just saying they have the skill set and knowledge, capability, and sometimes willingness. As a woman, I can do everything here except fix the car. Even the stereotypical "manly jobs." And I want my daughter to learn the skill of mechanical work because it's one always handy and needed for not just "men."

[@piratsnygg]

Gordon Ramsey would have that man in tears before he could say "yes, chef!"

[@witheredrose357]

S1 "if you dont heal your wounds, you'll bleed on those who didn't cut you." OP's hubby was hurt as a child, didn't heal, and ended up hurting his kids. Hopefully things can go well in the future. I think a deeper conversation is needed tho, like covering the "what ifs" of things.

[@TheBre1491]

Guy that likes to cook and doesn’t like sports won’t get any women in the future? As a woman I say this is completely false. I like a man who can cook and don’t give one crap if they play sports or not.

[@colleens1107]

I’m so glad that it wasn’t internalized misogyny but from trauma stemming from being bullied. It’s ironic that he ended up bullying his kid in order to save him from being bullied. I’m glad FIL set him straight and that he got through to OPs hubby. And man hubby is wrong about him not getting girls because there’s nothing sexier than a man who cooks. It’s definitely hot when my husband does. Good update

[@heathermiller5765]

At least half the guys I've been with are better cooks than me lol 👨‍🍳

[@llcdrdndgrbd]

It’s still misogyny, misogyny stemming from trauma is still misogyny!

[@dre1978]

That dad has it all backwards. A man that can cook is at least 10x more attractive then a man that refused to learn to cook because it's "girly". Cooking is a basic life skill. Ya know how they say "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? That works for literally everyone not just men. If you feed me you're automatically my favorite person

[@mattl6300]

Story 1: Every man should know how to cook, clean, and do laundry. My dad taught this in addition to construction, auto mechanics, and many other things.

[@yamairad1]

My ILs are like this husband. I asked my BIL if he'd love my son if he was into books. He never responded. (He was arguing with me that my son must play sports and learn how to fix things). I have never forgiven him for this. I intentionally keep them far far away from my kid as much as possible.

[@strandedinseattle9931]

Story 1 - Knitting is generalized as grandmotherly activity, but it is really a fun and productive hobby (or means of employment) for people of all genders and ages. It's also a life skill, you can knit bandages in a pinch.

[@wildfyah]

That update. He called his dad who was in the military of all places to complain about having his son cook? LMAO

[@browniewin4121]

1) NTA. It's good to nurture a child's interests, not let toxic masculinity force an unwanted role on a child. OP is the one who is going to harm his child, his sexist attitude and obvious homophobia is unacceptable. OP needs to keep standing up for her son, and it is pretty clear her husband needs some counseling so he can learn how his attitudes and actions suck. After update: Kudos to FIL for telling off his son and also to tell the older boys they too should learn to cook, and to tell the youngest to do his own thing. It is sad the hurt from the husband's past affected him so much and caused him to behave badly. It's good he and OP discussed this, and that he is now realizing why he was making mistakes with his own kids. 2) It was inconsiderate of OP's friend to make the comments she did, and considering how tired and stressed OP was I do not blame her for snapping. What was said might have been delivered in a disruptive way, but a dose of truth seemed in order. NTA. The only one to get an apology would be the one's who's birthday get-together was made uncomfortable. After update: It's nice OP apologized to the 'birthday girl' and that they are getting along well. I applaud OP for standing up for herself and taking credit where credit is due and that school is going well now and that she gained a new friend.

[@abigailpulliam6996]

As soon as op in story 1 mentioned the father in law was a vet, I knew exactly how that was going down. Older military vets know how to cook, clean, and take care of themselves. They know it's necessary for everyone to know these things. Heck, ww1 and 2 vets often knew at least basic knitting and sewing to repair clothing and stuff. They're important skills!

[@25Erix]

Story 1: OP, throw your husband into a professional kitchen. He's in for a rude awakening when he sees there are barely ANY women in professional kitchens. Hell, there are plenty of kitchens who act like boy's clubs and are effing terrible to women who try to break into the profession.

[@lizzyfowler-uh8hu]

Story 3, I relate completely. When I was in grad school, I worked for 36 hours with maybe a couple 1-2 hour naps to break it up. At the end of it, I stopped at a gas station to just grab something to pop in the microwave before passing out. When I was backing out, I scraped against one of the guard poles and promptly burst into hysterics. I alarmed a few other people who came to check on me 😅 sleep deprivation is no joke. I slept for a solid 12 hours after that.

[@despinasgarden.4100]

Story 1: I love how husband called his dad thinking that he would be on his side, but FIL put him in his place XD i feel bad that he got bullied, but that's not scuse to be so horrible to his kid, specially the s*ssy comment was way out of place, i hope that he was just repeating what his bullies said to him when he was young and not something he actually believes.

[@a.a.erd.977]

The exhausted student story, mannnn! I HATE moms who act like only mothers(parents) can be tired.... I am a mother with six children.... ages ranging between 21yrs and 18 months. I stay at home/homeschool without childcare and "burnout" is real but I Would NEVER tell another human being that their exhaustion wasn't valid because they didn't have children?? Not everyone wants children. It can be hard to be a parent but it is HARD to be student, it is hard to be a child (children didn't ask to be born), hard to be a service worker, hard to be a supervisor, hard to be a human being!! Ugh!

[@D-me-dream-smp]

Very well said- everyone faces challenging times which are pertinent to their experience.

[@nightdweller6446]

S1 nta point out to husband that Chef Ransay is a literal millionaire husbands view of his own masculinity seems to be dependent on his perception of having manly man sons. Hubby is the AH

[@juliearmfield2634]

Story 3 a mom of three here. 3 kids at 22yr and has a husband with great job and excellent Day Care Plus a mother-in-law that takes care of them at night. This young lady is a Pampered princess that has no clue what Parenthood is really about

[@SappyDuder]

For the last story, there are several things that affect your ability to regulate your emotions, the major ones being: physical illness, unbalanced eating, mood-altering drugs, sleep, and lack of exercise Not sleeping for several days will greatly impact your ability to think clearly

[@ferropetra9623]

I am meanwhile an old man. And I really regret not to learn a little cooking from my mother. Its one of the most useful skills for your health in the end. As a ingenieur and locksmith it was easy to learned to fix my socks but cooking is not so easy.

[@charitynordstrom5734]

First story fil is awesome! Cooking is not a gendered activity

[@brianlawson3757]

Story 1 had my blood boiling. Obviously, OP's husband is afraid his middle son will be labeled as gay and is letting his own abuse color his vision. Sure, I'm queer myself, but I didn't learn how to cook because I'm pan. I learned to cook for myself as a survival technique. I love them both dearly, but neither of my parents were good cooks and as a growing boy who liked to eat, I took domestic classes at school, watched cooking shows, and now I have a blast in my kitchen trying out new recipes and ideas. I went from a kid who always ordered the chicken tenders to a man who is excited to try out new things either at home or when I'm out. I've created dishes in my own home that friends and family have raved over and to this day, when my sister visits she insists I cook for her instead of going out for dinner. There's nothing girlish about my cooking style. I save a sprinkle of "the gay" for my cocktails while at the same time being a bladesmith; someone who beats raw steel into submission with a hammer and anvil! Op's husband is unfortunately dealing with trauma that a lot of us had to grow up with, and I'm glad that it didn't end in a divorce as he finally opened up about the core issue at hand. Matt was never the problem. And, I'm even more delighted to know that husband's dad was the one to step in and set him right. No task is too small, too girly, or too feminine for a man to tackle when needed. There's no such thing as a woman's job outside of childbirth and breastfeeding, in my opinion. Those are literally the only things a cis woman can do that a cis man can't. Outside of that, everyone should share in the labor of making a family and feel proud of what they contribute! P.S. I hope Matt goes on to become a successful chef and gets to express himself through his food for others to enjoy!

[@heathermiller5765]

"I didn't learn to cook cause I'm pan" I'm sorry, that made me chuckle a little (you know, like frying pan lol...OK I'll be going now) 😊

[@brianlawson3757]

@heathermiller5765 it's almost fitting! I mean, I could prance around and fence off most pirates with a skillet in hand! Straights just don't know how to keep up with me!

[@brianlawson3757]

@@heathermiller5765 No, babe. You got the pun! Bonus points to you! 💜

[@darkangel_1978]

My husband is an excellent cook, which he learned from his Mom. My husband also has a male cousin who is a chef in Switzerland in an upscale restaurant. I love when a man can cook, because then you can trade off on the days you cook and then he cooks. When I was laid up from surgery recently, my husband cooked for us (we have two small children). He's even better at baking stuff. If you find yourself a man who can cook, or is willing to learn, you're golden.

[@emo7636]

The Story 1 FIL needs a standing ovation. Everyone thought this big, manly, career military man was going to come into the house and 'set Matt straight'. Instead, he basically says 'keep up the good work, everyone could learn from Matt'. Good for him for sticking up for him.

[@deballen7031]

Hi. Great updates and that last story was a good one, the first was quite funny and gave me a laugh when OP's husband's plan backfired. Have a lovely day all.😊

[@MorganVsTheInternet]

1- NTA, cooking is a basic life skill, and kids can bond through any family activities! Calling cooking or housework girly is misogynistic, and he's 100% going to blame OP if Matt is Gay or BI!

[@TheFlowerchild712]

Story 1: NTA. Story 2: NTA. B went looking for trouble and found it. B was complaining about being tired when she is barely doing anything? Eff that nonsense.

[@LilySaintSin]

1st OP, refuse to cook for at least at a week. Get your husband to meals for that entire week.

[@catandrobbyflores]

Story 3 nta. Having kids doesn't give you the right to be a c u next Tuesday and dismissive about people's struggles. Op had every right to blow up.

[@DaniS398]

oof that 1st story. As a mother of two boys, I would straight up leave my husband if he was emotionally abusing either of my children like that. Thankfully we let our kids lead in their interest. My oldest is definitely not the "typical" boy. We tried sports, he was dancing in the field, lol, so we're letting him try dance next, then horses since he's expressed an interest and whatever else after that until something sticks. My youngest just does whatever his brother does mostly, but is definitely a car boy and a little bit more of a "typical" boy.

[@damonika09]

My grandmother had my uncles in the kitchen just as much as she had my mom in the kitchen. They absolutely love cooking.

[@ilzenelgroenewald9842]

I have 3 amazing young men as sons. All of them studied abroad and can cook, do their laundry and take 100% care of themselves. Their partners love it.

[@thePhoenixQueen]

Does he think Gordon Ramsey is a sissy? Or Andre Rush?

[@xXDuskTilDawnXx]

Not even finished with story 1, but NTA x 1000! Do you know how many women/men would die for a partner that can cook!?!?!? Like it's a blessing to have a partner that knows how to take care of themselves as well as feed themselves. OP's husband is an insecure toxic man if he thinks his son is going to get bullied over cooking. Cooking is an everyone thing, regardless of gender. Keep teaching your son to cook, OP! You're literally teaching him the basics of life!

[@mert828]

My stepdad was the cook in our family. My dad always made cookies with me. Both of them taught me more about cooking than any maternal figure in my life.

[@jessicamarshall1975]

Story 1: NTA. Even my father who is misogynistic himself knows that the ability to cook is a life skill.

[@janwojciechowski7227]

Story 1: So this insecure manchild bullied his own son because he was afraid he will be bullied? Instead of TALKING ABOUT THIS WITH HIS WIFE? TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE INSTEAD OF TAKING ACTION

[@pippo17173]

Damn that update. I feel sorry for the husband. He got screwed hard by peers he was close too.

[@gregmiller4387]

Story 1- I'm over 70 now but when I was a teenager in HS I made supper every other day ,my older sister made it the other days because both our parents worked full time to support a family of 8, just know my sister and I both wanted to make supper ,so we shared until I lucked our when my sister got a job and moved out ,so I got to make supper daily. That is how I learned to cook, practice makes perfect, my father was a great cook ,Mum used to say he taught her how to cook, all the men in my family are really good cooks, we always thought it was a manly thing to do. Later in life however I had a girl I was living with leave me because I did most of the cooking and I had been taught how to hem pants, things a bachelor needs to know, so she told me I didn't need a woman. I thought that was stupid and think it was just an excuse, I think that the relationship had run its natural course , maybe she didn't like that I cooked but she loved eating it and she didn't know how to hem pants.

[@candiebarr6745]

His "insecurities" led to him treating your child like trash. If he's doing better, good. But if he didn't start treating his child properly, that's more than enough reason to divorce.

[@bloonh8tr619]

I would love to see "men" like this dad try and cook for themselves. Its an essential life skill. I love to cook and my dad loves my cooking too. Hell if this guy loves to grill then thats not very manly, because thats cooking. Obvious sarcasm, but still people need to get rid of this mentality.

[@heathermiller5765]

I had the same thought about grilling as well 😊

[@sweaterweatherlady]

Thank goodness for Father-In-Law!

[@susan7775]

Possibly no one remembers Roosevelt “Roses” Grier theses days, but he was also a knitter

[@draughtoflethe]

Story 1: NTA. Stop cooking for your husband, if he devalues your "sissy" work in the kitchen so much. If it's so important that Matt bond with his brothers, then they can take turns doing stuff *he* likes too, rather than just making him play their games that he doesn't enjoy. And I'm laughing forever at the idea that learning to cook is going to somehow stop Matt from getting girls in the future! If he wants a girlfriend someday, women are going to be lining up around the block for a guy they won't have to *parent* and who likes to make them their favorite treats. Keep protecting Matt, OP, and think hard about the fact that you married a misogynist who thinks he's too good for the "girly" stuff you do to take care of your shared home and family. Edit: It's tragic that the husband was bullied when he was younger for his own interest in stereotypically "feminine" activities, but he definitely took the wrong lesson from that experience. Rather than reflecting on how awful that bullying made him feel, he turned around and subjected his son to the same bullying. *Your bullies were not right.*

[@heathermiller5765]

I personally find a man who can cook more attractive than an incompetent mama's boy, that's for sure 😊

[@astronautviolet153]

Story 1 NTA Op is giving her son life skills learning how to Cook is very important.

[@beekit1180]

OP in the first story should find all the football players who cook and make a 30 minutes PowerPoint presentation.

[@everlasting9292]

This idea of men’s hobbies vs women’s hobbies is ridiculous. Besides, cooking is a LIFE SKILL. I had an ex who never learned how to cook. Turns out he was a suicidal alcoholic who ate nothing but frozen pizza and packaged cookies. So satisfying that Charlie’s dad put him in his place.

[@CatsOverBrats]

Being tired is not a competition. Anyone can be tired.

[@heathermiller5765]

I tell people the EXACT same thing

[@comajuice]

S2. So the kids are out of the house for 10 hours, and MIL watches them at night for AT LEAST 8 hours though depending on their ages it could be longer. So she watched her own kids, at best, 6 hours a day. As a stay at home mother. That doesnt even include the fact the kids probably sleep longer, husband watching the kids as well when hes home, and the commute to and from the daycare. Yeah, she must be tired.

[@sixfeetundertheradar6080]

Lmao, I started as a hostess and weaseled my way into being a prep cook. I started out by “helping” with serving desserts when the waitress were busy but the front wasn’t and then when the hostess stand was slow I’d offer to put away dishes and cut/chop/dice veggies and garlic when they were low on it. There was a small window in the kitchen so I was able to also keep an eye on the front desk. Eventually the chefs convinced the owner to hire me as kitchen staff. By the time I left I rotated jobs by the day from hostess, prep cook, and sushi chef. For someone like me whose adhd it was amazing

[@sixfeetundertheradar6080]

All the kitchen staff, besides me, were cis men. They were nice to me (mostly but one dude was an asshole who got fired) but it was definitely a toxic environment if you tried to correct them when they’d say offensive things. I.e. sexist, racist, super homophobic, they only minded their tongues when the head chef was in there. But reporting their behavior didn’t do anything except make them hostile till the next shift 🙄😕

[@bliissade]

Any time someone says video games is only a masculine hobby, I lose ten years off my life

[@LanaRedmond13]

Story #1: Cooking is one of the most important skills in life. It give you control and peace of mind, knowing that you don’t have to rely on others, that you know how it was prepared and cooked. Making you own clothes (through knitting) is also a incredibly valuable. If you go through hard times it will help you create something. It is also a form of therapy. If there is a nuclear war or apocalypse, you are valuable. Food (cooking) and clothing are essential in human survival. You are an asset.

[@TokuBaby]

Story 1. Oh how times have changed. 😂 Cooking well is very manly! It’s definitely a good way to take care of the wife. Especially if she’s pregnant or sick. The husband is the jerk.

[@tetraganii]

Story 1: can confirm, a man who cooks is really hot. My partner can cook really well, and it's amazing. I bought him an apron that says "this sh*t is going to be delicious" and it's his favorite thing. He wears it at least 3 days a week.

[@007sean]

Story 1 NTA cooking is a basic need when you live on your own. Living off pizza and other take out is not healthy or cost-effective

[@AKASANJEEWA]

Story 01. NTA. Um a boy and I have a brother. And both of us do cook and stuff that deemed as girly. Op needs to address her husband and put him in place. And she's not a house maid

[@DocKrazy]

Lmao. If OP shouldn't "have brought up B's home situation", B shouldn't have brought it up either. Also, to that one person telling OP they're the asshole... Like, that person didn't say anything too wrong, but calling OP the asshole for being exhausted and snapping in *yet another* stressful situation? Like, they weren't unkind and I'm not going to accuse them of that, but always remember: sleep deprivation is a recognised torture method, and studying 90 hour + lectures + work? OP just wasn't getting any. Sleep that is.

[@Fluttershy890]

My man cooks and his dad is also a chef. I am quite happy when I learn different recipes from them.

[@pLanetstarBerry]

Story 1- sorry for the ramble, but... I used to teach knitting for (what was supposed to be) a newbie friendly knitting group. It got taken over by snobby wine moms, and good lord, while they were awful to new knitters, they were downright vicous to any men and boys who wanted to join. One boy was as young as 9, and he was one of my best students. He picked it up so quickly, asked so many questions, and his stitches were so even and perfect it was like he was doing this for years. And these middle aged Karens, with nothing better to do, mocked him so much about it that he left after two lessons.Their sexism was one of the MANY reasons I decided to leave, but them breaking a little boy's heart like that was the catalyst. Since I was the only one participating in scheduling and preparing any events, I just gave everyone in our Facebook group admin privileges, left the group, and blocked everyone. They didnt even last a week without me.

[@thesamuraiman]

Story 1 seemed really storybook 😂 Maybe I'm just cynical. Story 2: I hate when people "gatekeep" being tired. Like, bruh, we all have different lives, stfu

[@jenswurm]

Story one, NTA. Ask your husband how manly it is to be all whiny, "oh no I can't be seen cooking, what are people going to think?" Tell him that if a real man likes to cook, then he cooks without giving a f whether or not other dudebros approve of that.

[@FoolMisinfo]

Story 1: NTA. And i once again must repeat that i would never understand the "manly" trait being associated with hobbies, likings, styles or anything physically. In medieval times and even for many native cultures around the world being able to cook, dress up well, be hygienic, rich, makeup and almost a lot of things more used to be popular for men. However the most manliest thing that everyone agreed upon back then was the honor of responsibility and commitment, if your wife was pregnant has a man its honorable if you take care of her in vulnerable times, cook for her, appreciate her and look over your child its honorable if you teach your son to take care of his wife in the future, it was almost a prestigious thing to do.

[@Orinatl]

Story 1: This is flat out obvious misogyny and sexism. Guys. People need to stop acting like a misogyny and sexism isn’t a instant breaking point in a relationship. That is literally the most important thing to break up over so it doesn’t get passed on to the next generation. Leave the misogynistic and sexist men behind; they can starve together.

[@bjas60]

Especially after talking to him multiple times just to be shut down or ignored. Thank god that grandfather showed up or there was gonna be so many more comments praying she left

[@KissMeFatality]

Story 1: NTA. I would ask the Dad, why is that seemingly most high-end restaurants have male Head Chefs? Shouldn't it be mostly women if it's a 'girly thing' to do?

[@chrismc410]

Not even just high end dining. I know several diner and grilling/BBQ type places owned by men and does the the cooking directly. An NY Style Pizzeria I like an tend to frequent is not only male-owned but a traditional, old-school Sicilian, known for all manners of gender roles and is in his late 70s, early 80s.

[@alyzu4755]

Story 1: I hope Matt grows up to become a celebrated chef. Or whatever he wants to be. His father is the one harming him, not OP. We're not in the 1950's anymore. OP's husband is a big, gaping AH. Here's hoping none if the three sons end up like their father. FIL is a hero! Update: OK. Hurt people hurt people. Hopefully husband can reignite his lost passions. I'm glad they're working together.

[@rebeccahayward9607]

As a woman, I CAN cook. But my husband cook most of the time in our house because he enjoys it. My dad can also cook (he makes the best, most fluffy mashed potatoes). Men being able to cook is an attractive quality. When we have kids, all of them, regardless of gender, will know how to cook. They don't have to enjoy it, but they will know how to do it. I believe its a necessary life skill.

[@AwesomePikachu808]

Story 1: OP you’re not the idiot. Cooking should not be based on gender. Men should not be insulted because they like to cook.

[@sapphirefranklin01]

Story 1: Let Gordon Ramsey "talk" to your husband. I think after that interaction he'll understand. NTA

[@KpopZuko]

My partner took cooking classes while he was in college for comp sci to, in his words, “impress girls” It worked. He made me wagyu blue rare. It was delicious, and now we’ve been together for five years. He did my dishes for me (we don’t even live together) because he knew I’d appreciate it, and he knew I’d jump him for it.

[@schimpletin8423]

Story 1: Try calling any line cook or chef ANYWHERE a sissy and see if they won't knock you tf out lol

[@fletcher0411]

Story 1: perfect example of the idiocy of labels. Comments say he's misogynistic, dump him etc. But after ADULTING and COMMUNICATION realize the dad was just trying to protect his son from the same bullying he experienced. It's also a good reminder that parents are influenced by their own experiences and can learn a grow to be better regardless of age

[@heathermiller5765]

You mean "communication" right, not "communion"?

[@fletcher0411]

@Heather Miller yes.... not really sure why communion was a suggestion 🤦‍♀️

[@brittneyscriven6106]

Story 1, the different child has to do something that he doesn't want to, to be in touch with his brothers but the others don't have to recipricate. OP's hisband will raise boys who go from having a mum to a girlfriend-mum.

[@angeliquemosley5072]

Marcus Samuelsson, Gordon Ramsey, Bobby Flay, Geoffrey Zakarian, Wolfgang Puck, Masaharu Morimoto..etc.. All male chefs all trained all awesome.

[@libbypeery1533]

Ok but having kids that can't cook make them weak and fragile

[@starbird3939]

Story 3 - NTA OP suffered from the « straw that broke the camel’s back ». They suffered a group project where they worked alone, suffering from sleep deprivation (which can super fuck the brain), and then has this B whining about « woe is meeeeee » when she is a spoiled princess. And yeah, B had NOTHING to complain about. She has people to hand kids off to, Op had no one.