Narcissistic Abuse In Small Doses

While abusive behaviors are sometimes displayed in raw, unmistakable patterns, there are times it can be disguised in less than obvious ways. Dr. Les Carter explains how narcissists (especially covert narcissists) can harm you psychologically in subtle ways, allowing the narcissist to gaslight you on the way to controlling you.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@duromusabc]

Death by one thousand cuts - especially by covert narcissists

[@dakoderii4221]

1,000 cuts per flying monkey, 100 million by the narc themselves. Then they all act concerned why you are bleeding so much and decide "tough love" by cutting you deeper will help stop the blood loss. Then society gets angry with you for getting blood all over their blade.

[@jeankipper6954]

Ah, mommy dearest

[@carolnahigian9518]

exactly. TOXIC COUSIN WINNIE was nice to me - 1979- once& in public View. For 45 years she boast " I am Carol's strength"" ( ugh what a LIAR)!

[@TC-gx3qn]

Yes, exactly. I call covert narcissistic abuse "A Million Mosquito Bites."

[@mosaicowlstudios]

"You're crazy, and you have completely misunderstood my intentions. I wasn't cutting you. I was tickling you. And that isn't a knife, it's a feather. I say it's a feather because I was tickling you with it, and I say I was tickling you with it because it's a feather. Additionally, you accusing me of hurting you is damaging to my sense of self. I can't separate this one instance of criticism with how I fear you view me as a whole. And so for that, you now owe me an apology. I'll wait while you wipe all that slimy red stuff off of you. Don't tell me it's blood, you liar. And never, ever tell me, ever again, that I cut you. Everyone thinks you're weird, too, so I doubt anyone would believe you if you tried to tell the others. Now go away while I heal from your accusations. I'll reach out after an undetermined amount of time and then make you feel guilty for distancing yourself from me again. Expect a phone call soon from someone we both know, asking why you've chosen to hurt me so badly." ...and you're just standing there, lacerated and bloody, confused and still suffering.

[@ameliaearhart666]

I am getting away, I’ve officially mentally broken free of the trauma bond and I need to thank you and this channel for the support I needed to keep going. I feel FREE.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stay strong, Samantha!!

[@kathubbard2183]

Freedom … take it and run as fast as you can and relish that feeling 🙏🙏🙏

[@veronicafadel8693]

I'm right behind you lovely lady🤗💖

[@nicholecornes1915]

KEEP Going were all here for you!

[@annking8633]

Death by a thousand cuts.😬

[@cathybutcher4826]

This kind of abuse is truly insidious and victims then gaslight themselves by thinking this really isn't that bad. Soul death through thousands of small cuts. And then you have people from the outside looking in and saying what is wrong with her, he's a super fun, nice guy.

[@gypsyfaded5907]

"Insidious" Perfect description! 🏆

[@DeborahOlander]

Yes. Exactly. I thought I came from a good family until I was 20 and leaned what emotional abuse was and that I had rights that were being trampled on every day.

[@bereal6590]

Not just that it isn't, that they aren't that bad but also believing that we are bad! My mother turned me inside out, thinking I was really bad and she is really good. Now I'm not playing that game she is even worse!

[@cathybutcher4826]

@bereal6590 I'm sorry that your mother hurts you. It is a horrible thing to be treated like that by someone who is supposed to love and support you. Dr. Carter is the best, though, for learning how to deal better with these people.

[@sparklesea2046]

Yep! That was my experience with my covert narcissist 2nd husband.

[@roxymovie3938]

Indication of ingridients for small doses of a master manipulator: 1. Backhanded compliments 2. Micro management 3. Push-pull management 4. Triangulation 5. Hot buttons push 6. Silent treatment 7. Stonewalling 8. Dangling the carrot technique 9. Dog whisteling 10. Word Salad 11. Isolation 12. Smear campagn 13. Belittleling 14. Name calling 15. Data gathering 16. Anger & Rage 17. Pity ploy 18. Amnesia Preparation: First of all I need to hook you and I am doing this by love bombing you (I am mirroring you) with my very charming and humble facade to give you the impression, which is of course just an illusion, that I am really into you. I am preparing you for my regime, which is total control. With the love bombing technique I am building you up. (During this time my mask has to sit propper which can be quite challenging. Hopefully you won't see a glimpse behind my mask, which could be risky for me at this state.) While love bombing you, I will try some of my ingridients from above to see how they will work on you. Because I have spent all my life working with these, I am really good at it. I am testing you to see what kind of supply you could be (1. emotional supply, 2. services 3. safety, 4. sex). Of course, I know how to dose my ingridients! Little by little because I am the expert. I want to make you dizzy, confused so that you will doubt yourself. You will get addicted to me for I will always give you a shower of hot and cold. For as long as you are longing for my dangling carrot and I see you walking on eggshells, I have the power over you. Can't you recognize that all my ingridients are invalidation? In short: First I have to build you up to knock you down afterwards.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You so get it, Roxy!

[@aliceroberts1980]

That say it all I love that you wrote it all down it hard to remember all the little ways they manipulate us because we don ‘t do it

[@amandaliverpool3374]

God help us. You've put down a detailed description. The things we've put up with and never should've had to put up with....Take care ❤

[@Greenawareness188]

Looks like training and grooming to me

[@Greenawareness188]

Roxiemovie3938 Thank you , for your compassionate help. The second time I saw your comment it hit home.

[@lizacampbell2183]

Dr Les and Dr Romani literally saved me. I am poor and in a very rural area. Any healthcare is sparse and not great. I was 8 yrs into a relationship and so lost and defeated and wished for my end. Their time they gave me here on KZbin brought me the clarity of what I was even living through. Then the wisdom to move on. The courage and hope I needed and a year later I am surviving and still healing and still come to these 2 Drs for clarity and peace. Thank you Dr Les. You made such a impression and educated me, and I've no way to thank you. I do thank God for you and pray for you in passing .

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.

[@JDog-tn8we]

I feel the same way! These two are what I’ve been able to break free, learn, heal, and move forward.

[@texaspatty458]

I needed this video 52 years ago 😢

[@charlottejohnk6712]

This video struck a chord, you have EXACTLY described my husband. I was the perfect “dupe” 35 years ago when I married my husband but 15 years into the marriage I slowly got stronger and more confident. Not overnight by any means but today (we’re still married) I follow my inner voice and I ignore his noise. I have made my life wonderful and fun. He has softened somewhat probably because he doesn’t want to be alone. When he is abusive it only acts as a reminder to be faithful to myself, maintain my own interests and relationships with friends and family and that is the ONLY way to be!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Based on the timeline you infer, you'll appreciate that I say your best thinking doesn't even begin until 40. I suspect you can see that personally. It was certainly the case for me.

[@charlottejohnk6712]

Good observation! I distinctly remember turning 45 and deciding to change my life and wean myself from seeking my husband’s approval because after 15 years of marriage I could tell that was never going to happen. That decision took me down a much better feeling path that is still unfolding in ways I had never imagined. I credit his stinky behavior for my personal growth and autonomy…. May he be happy and well but his approval or disapproval of me doesn’t matter.

[@anrinel4226]

I am 45 and just now getting the hang of it all. Malignant narc out of my life and vulnerable one i use boundaries with. It's good to be over 40😊

[@tontay-wp6tm]

I sympathize with u 😔 it’s very soul eroding..good on u for being able to come out if it, I am only just discovering that my husband is exactly the same but I never noticed as my mother devalued and abused me so much worse that I didn’t see him! I hope I can get to where u are..

[@VS-ky8yg]

I would say Amen sister! Why do other people think they know better than you how to run your life? If it works for you and you have found peace, good on you!

[@Lolopug9]

Wow. Spot on. And because the Narcissist is calm and quiet and abuses in small increments (albeit constantly) it can take literally years to figure it out. Years in which you can’t understand why you’re unhappy and stressed the whole time, and you think you’re at fault for not being able to handle it. I can’t get away from my N without making my life worse,but I don’t spend much time arguing or even trying any more. I gave up. I have to take care of myself. But the truth is that this hurts too, because I am a caring person who wants to do the right thing and wants everyone to be happy. It’s exhausting.

[@bereal6590]

That's how I feel.

[@Lolopug9]

@@bereal6590 I’m sorry. I think our way forward is to forge our own identities, and be the person we want to be (not what they need us to be) and to have good social outlets and friendships. I’m working on this now and trying to feel hopeful (we moved around a lot and I am 62, trying to make new friends in a new place!). I’m wishing you all the best. These videos really help!

[@MicheleLHarvey]

Yes. I totally feel you & at my age with 45+ years invested, I don't feel I've time left to start over.

[@kimberlyestes3978]

I know that feeling. I don’t know your situation, but I finally decided that I didn’t want to die because of him. When I say die, I mean it both literally and metaphorically. He was killing who I am essentially. I also know that he would discard me in the end. I think that I had rather be homeless than be with someone who actually wishes me harm in the most devious way possible.

[@Lolopug9]

I'm so sorry. @@kimberlyestes3978 I'm glad for you that you got away! I think I'm in a bit easier position than you were, but in a funny way that makes it feel like I'm compromising all the time - I guess the right thing is to make the best decisions based on the situation. I'm doing much better these past two months having laid down my boundaries openly and firmly, and taking steps to sort of take my own power back. But I have to have a post-it next to my computer simply saying, "Give Up"! It's a reminder not to try to change the person or the relationship any more. Because that's the bit that was killing me - the total clash of what we wanted from each other. I think it was co-dependent, him being narcissistic and me trying to appease in the hopes that I would get the emotional satisfaction that I wanted. Now we have a changed dynamic that's working better. But it's sad.

[@douaa1934]

Trauma bond Finally recognizing it and refusing to play the narcissist game ⛓

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes!

[@carolnahigian9518]

Meet my cousin Winnie ( known far& Wide as IDIOT WIND); " Hi Carol! Gaining Weight?(smirk)

[@Sedum54]

it took me a LONG time to let go of that even when I could understand it better. Seemed like Stockholm syndrome, I would always remember a small positive and let it trick me into believing she cared anyway..

[@secondhorizon]

constant micro-abuse peppering

[@roxymovie3938]

So true 🎯

[@wallymarcel1]

I think they call this death by a thousand cuts.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Precisely.

[@Faye-Texan]

Thank you! I was married 34 years to a narcissist. I finally woke up to the gaslighting and got away. Was a hard decision as a senior citizen but the freedom is sooo worth it!

[@aaronkwolfe]

“The medicine that cures becomes the poison that kills” from Petra’s song ‘For Annie.’ The narcissist truly believes they are dosing medicine.

[@roxymovie3938]

Yes, you are right, Aaron, for the Narcissist truly believes they are dosing medicine - for they think, they are the savior, healer, omnipotent. And then they say, "It's not enough. And this is all your fault." I do not know the song, you mentioned but Paracelsus already expressed the classic toxicology maxim "All things are poison, and nothing is without poison; the dosage alone makes it so a thing is not a poison." This makes sense for even essential water for the body can be deadly - without you can not survive but too much can also kill you.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@roxymovie3938 I grin because of the diversity of this group is also so similar in its’ experience. Interests in psychology, theology, medicine, history, politics, art, philosophy, etc., all blending together to loan crutches to one who may be limping more than we are. Only to get them right back when our limp becomes more evident. Dr. C has assembled an incredible team.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@roxymovie3938 P.S. - Don’t look up the song. It may make you cry as much as I have over the years. It’s time to smile.

[@roxymovie3938]

@@aaronkwolfe Now I got curious and looked up the song - a sad one indeed but I did not cry. Did you write another message? Because I see only the one with the PS🤔

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@roxymovie3938 oh, I did. It was deep. It honored Dr. C and all of TH. Huh. I wonder what set off the YT filters.

[@DeborahOlander]

Dr. C, I was just talking to my therapist about how this exact topic was missing in all the KZbins and books I've read. Abuse can be subtle and in many ways that makes it more devastating because YOU don't even believe you've been abused.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you're figuring it out!!

[@meredithheath5272]

Here's another take - when you are abused as a child, abuse is more "normalized" so when you get out in the world - you are very vulnerable to the "Jeff Epstein's" of the world. You (as I was) may be rebellious as a child, but don't know what's going on, and don't know what to do about the abuse... You know that "something's wrong, but you cannot put a name to it. I DO think more of this is taught in schools - but- it's too late for those of us who are older, and had to learn the hard way to stand up for ourselves better.

[@sophial.2438]

I wish I had had you as a parent! If you have kids, I hope they know how lucky they are!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're so kind. Thank you.

[@monongahelacats]

My mother could start an argument over the most petty things, If I said the sky is blue, she might argue that it is azure.

[@DevorahTafus]

Mine would get mad and say "You think I don't know what color the sky is? You think I'm STUPID???!!!!!"

[@wendybond2848]

Sadly I experienced all of these over a 25 year period. Eventually we stopped initiating conversations with him as there was no point. The upside is that now that he is gone, we realise there is nothing we miss about him.

[@Christina-ot9ie]

Dignity, Respect, civil , Stable , Honest, loving.

[@imnoel8214]

Hi Dr. Carter, hope you guys are staying cool! Repeated abusive behaviors with failure to take personal accountability, that's narcissism, guaranteed. They don't deserve to keep being given the benefit of the doubt over and over.

[@robbrewer2036]

Should be jailed.

[@henrykujawa4427]

Something that's been dawning on me in the last couple weeks... I was telling a friend at my supermarket about no longer being with these 2 "deranged lunatics" (heh) and what led to it. I told how more than once, they BOTH seemed paranoid that I might be "trying to find out things about them" from their doctors or nurses. Which is absurd, as I spent more time with them than those other people did. But then I said... "UNLESS... they're really afraid I might tell people they know things about them that I know." And my friend blurted out, "THAT'S IT!!! That's EXACTLY it." And we both laughed! Even when they were accusing me of something, the accusation itself was a twisted backwards lie. They DON'T want you associating with people they know! It might destroy the FALSE IMAGE they've been setting up.

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

I am only just getting this, too! Could never figure out why I couldn't be friends with their friends. It's so irrational when they should know you are not the sort of person who gossips or betrays confidences - or who is spiteful and vengeful. 🙄

[@mr.makedonija2627]

​@@AnnePerkins-po5jothey want to isolate you. DONT LET THAT HAPPEN

[@aliceroberts1980]

I seriously can’t stand being around theses people now that why I get so angry around them there always trying yo hurt you it’s horrible but when you have family like this and your married to one of theses people it’s very dangerous and damaging

[@LynnsYouTube]

Other ways that are a combo of shut down communication and invalidation are ignoring, not listening, "not remembering" things that are important to you.

[@bereal6590]

They don't take onboard anything that's important to us because it's not important to them. My mother once said to me about me, "nobody thinks like that". Thanks mom! I feel great now 😧. Or "you think too much". Then she thinks we should be close. Doesn't seem to get that invalidating your own child does not a close relationship make! Then of course omes the passive aggression and guilt tripping. Makes me want to scream, just be bl**dy authentic!

[@AvaGld2309]

Another abuse is when they loudly "own it" and say "I could have done better", but covertly say they're not sorry at all.

[@3_m_1_7]

Really well said.

[@sideswiped6874]

"covertly say they're not sorry at all" for an example "I'm sorry I didn't know". that is NOT an apology for what he did!

[@Sedum54]

NEVER did my N parent say 'I could have done better', covertly or not.

[@3_m_1_7]

@@Sedum54 I reckon statements are not literal but functional when it comes to narcissists. They abuse people and language both. Some narcissists will claim they love you and show you the exact opposite. Some narcissists might say they made some mistakes, for example without detailing their mistake and fully coming clean, instead in their mind it could mean, "I could've manipulated you better if I tried" or they could simply use the admission of regret in an instrumental sense in an attempt to make you stop bringing it up, or in order to stage fake humbleness in front of an audience to gain reputation... The possibilities are frankly endless.

[@CrunchyCrumblesASMR]

My FIL admitted to doing crappy things, but also said he was never wrong and then would say "I could appologize" but then never did. Distance has been peaceful.

[@Laura-ny3jy]

The small doses is why it’s very difficult to figure out what’s going on at first. Very hard to detect at first. It very definitely is a compounding factor!

[@jazz_and_tea]

Small doses or unseen psychological terror that is only perceived and experienced by the targeted individual on a daily basis can be extremely destructive to a person’s mental and emotional well-being if it becomes a source a prolonged daily distress.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

The compounding effect is what is so damaging. Best wishes to you!

[@sherricsabai]

Yes

[@patm.-xq5tr]

Invalidation, possessiveness & going silent- what I experienced growing up. I felt like I needed to find my true self after my parents died & I am now doing it with Dr C's help.

[@DeborahOlander]

I hope you were able to heal. I left my family of origin 8 years ago. If my kid wasn't narcissist too believe I would be healing. Insidious abuse has a horrible way of stealing ourselves. I have found that EMDR with a skilled practitioner can help. It had helped me re-parent myself and heal some of the damage they did.

[@bereal6590]

My mother is the queen of sneaky invalidation, being possessive and jealous and the silent treatments. God it felt COLD growing up. From the outside it looked like it had all the bells and whistles but when you're only allowed to be happy when they're happy, there isn't happiness, just playing along with their desires and loosing yourself

[@patm.-xq5tr]

Discovering our true selves is well worth the work.

[@EvaCFricke]

My parents were insecure and negative. They loved me but I realized recently that they validated my brother and sister more than me. I see lots of small hidden narcissistic traits in my immediate family. No wonder why I was so hit hard by big big narcissists in my family.

[@leslierobertson612]

​@@patm.-xq5trI agree! It IS worth the work and any time it takes during the life. I love the loving education we are now able to get by way of internet. 61 now am going on, finally feeling I am getting on a spiritual living path that can work for me. Much more hopeful now. I say many thanks to Dr. C. for his thoughtful and experienced counsel. Am also loving listening to Dr. Gabor Mate. So many intelligent, helpful and intelligent voices .... Wonderful, uplifting.

[@cruella5521]

I describe the abuse like being pecked apart liked a well cooked chicken. They never, ever get better, just run before there is nothing left of you.

[@sharontalley2155]

I have been the recipient of every one of these abuses from my son's narcissist wife for the past 27 years. The lies, the gaslighting, the physical and mental abuse, it was always my fault according to her. I lost my sense of self confidence and felt like I should not even be alive. I'm so blessed that I found Dr Carter. He saved my life. Thank you Dr Carter.

[@thelmahilton9417]

I have been estranged from son and grandchildren for years. These narcissist are evil. Put it all in God's hands.

[@robbrewer2036]

In the same situation but come to conclusion ,that until he grows a backbone and puts her in her place there is no hope.

[@madasafish4375]

You have saved my sanity and my life Dr Carter - it was one of your videos that I accidently came across last July. After 32 years of marriage I finally walked away. The divorce, predictably, has been painful and expensive, but now I am free and I cannot thank you enough for giving me my life back. Now the challenge is to try and find out who I really am and what I really want. I am 62 but I have never felt happier. My ex had every single one of these traits that you describe here. Be brave and leave - the one beacon of light that Dr Carter taught me is that the behaviour NEVER changes and you must simply save yourself while you can. Thank you again

[@susanwilson4695]

Condescension, seems to be the rule of their language, either directed at you or about others. I refute and walk away.

[@callalilly1988]

Just rivers and rivers of the stuff. There's no one they don't think poorly of.

[@sarahb4484]

I learned from experience with them everything is about competition… I just pray that I survive.

[@3_m_1_7]

You really seem to touch on something important here, Dr. C. My own experience with narcissists has taught me just how much they tend to go for the small jabs rather than the overt aggression. I think it has everything to do with how repeatedly carving away at their victim affords them much less publicity of their abuse. It becomes much easier for perpetrators to subsequently salvage their reputations with the usual displays of niceness and feigned victimhood.

[@patm.-xq5tr]

I agree

[@irenebyrne7809]

Nail on head

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Something you said Dr.C. When you ignore the abuse because there were 'good times too' This is exactly what I have done in the past and I must be aware of to make my way forwards. Another important light bulb moment 💡 Thanks Doc ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased!!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@SurvivingNarcissism It true! We're always taught to take the bad with the good. But if the bad is abusive, that's another matter❤️

[@roxymovie3938]

@@amandaliverpool3374 When we have been raising up like this "to take the good with the bad" the abuse feels quite normal and familiar. We really have to unlearn this thinking to move forward and I do think it's a lifelong lesson to "untrain' ourself from the old patterns to the new ways of thinking. Trauma Bond and cognitive dissonance are like two big rocks to cross over to see the new horizon 😉🤗❤🕊

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@roxymovie3938 Absolutely! The more I learn, the more I realise how much abuse has gone on in my life. Not just partnerships and friends but family behaviours. Not just towards me but little behaviours I may have inherited. I'm just glad I found this channel. I'm shrinking but hopefully growing at the same time 👍😉💖

[@joe7665]

My soon to be ex wife gave it to me in small doses, Invalidating, dismissive, she was a victim when I would get agitated. I realized her dad always needs to be in control, if someone likes another person in the family better then the father. He sneakily breaks it up if you go to him for advice. He puts people down with aggression, then acts nice like nothing happened the next day. All of his daughters had emotional breakdowns in the last 2 years... thanks to these videos, I can see why. Thanks to videos like this I was able to spot the problem and quickly not get irritated anymore and start setting boundaries... she did not like that.

[@carparthero]

narcissistic abuses that come in small doses, if not contained, will compound like credit card interest and can literally/figuratively ruin your life. keep fighting the good fight. cheers 🍻 from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@t_nels]

That's a good way to understand it.

[@carparthero]

@@t_nels glad to have been a bit of help. all the best, steven.

[@t_nels]

@@carparthero Thank you, Steven.

[@sherricsabai]

Yes

[@canabsk2179]

Perfect analogy! 👍

[@sad_doggo2504]

Yes, so true about narcissists controlling your time and choices. This is a type of possessiveness people don't tend to think of (outside of relationships)

[@valwalker9606]

Didn't know it then but now that Dr.Carter has explained it, that's exactly how it all started out. Slow and steady jabs until you're sucked in without even knowing. My ex would start a sentence with "common sense would tell you" etc

[@melaniem9433]

What rips my heart out is the look he gives me when I start getting excited about an achievement. The smile drains away, telling me he's not pleased, and certainly will never celebrate with me. Instead, I'm crushed for weeks while he love bombs me to death. We're separated, and I'm just waiting for our son to graduate college in the spring. Thanks to vids like this, I'll stop thinking the abuse will stop. Thank you so much!🙏💖🙏

[@crishuez]

Every single one of these brought up immediate red flags in my head and now I'm sitting here like 🤯

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning!! #TeamHealthy

[@DevorahTafus]

This was a really good one. They're all good, but this one really clarifies what abuse is, for people who are hesitant to call it abuse. This is why it's so hard to get across to people what you're dealing with. If you tell them about the latest thing the narcissist said, it doesn't sound like a big deal, and might even sound like the narcissist probably has a legitimate complaint about you. Telling people about the latest thing can have the opposite effect from making the situation clear to people. It also makes me sad thinking about what my dad had to put up with daily for most of his life. He quit going on vacations because he didn't want to be trapped in a car with her for hours, but he was kind of trapped in a house with her. At least he doesn't have to put up with it anymore.

[@ronnie4796]

I realize my Father sacrificed his happiness to hold the family together and it breaks my heart. My Mother was relentless with her constant nagging, impossible to please demanded her own way. He passed in 1997 from cancer, previously needed bypass surgery he was only 64 years old. I have just broken free at age 68, I refuse to play her games any longer. God bless you all. I choose peace and happiness with my family that truly loves me.

[@user-iq4jh8jo3o]

It’s the warning I gave my lawyer: the first 3 exchanges she will think I am exaggerating the problem. Then she will see it. Even I got fooled by the careful dosage…

[@jonathanwest3062]

I have an 11th, down playing; an experience you have, they will have it worse as a means to cheapen your experience so they don't have to show empathy. Thanks Doc.

[@patm.-xq5tr]

Yes! I experienced this growing up!

[@leehamilton4459]

What about downplaying a significant achievement. When you feel proud of yourself for getting a promotion and they don't seem happy for you. They won't acknowledge your efforts. They act like it was some sort of fluke that you were even chosen.

[@bereal6590]

@@leehamilton4459 oh yeah, that's true. Both of my parents did this. Quick as anything to go overboard on 'faults', most of the time I hadn't even done anything, but they searched hard!. Achieve something, feeling good about yourself and these people either couldn't care less or they want to squash it. Even small stuff, they just can't be happy for you.

[@glittergirl3052]

Yes. Exactly right. I experienced this with my narc sister constantly and some other people who downplay. It makes sense the way that you put it.

[@glittergirl3052]

@@leehamilton4459Yes and so that they can try to feel superior to you. They downplay you and your achievements because they are constantly in competition with you and they have to come out on top. Statements like “you were lucky” or any statement that gives zero merit to your hard work and success.

[@faeline8623]

Dr. Carter will probably never read this, but he played a major, if not the biggest, part in my getting out of and over a 3 year relationship with a textbook narcissist. I did not know much about narcissism before I experienced and at some time eventually recognized weird, unhealthy behavior towards me. I stumbled across this KZbin channel and started to understand. This was a major contributor to my extracting myself from this situation. I am after 1.5 years still in the process of ridding myself of some of the effects the narcissist had on me, and it is still not really easy. But I am so very grateful to Dr. C, more than I can say. Thank you so much! 🌻

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well, I'm reading this now, and am so pleased to know of your healing journey. Thanks for allowing me to share the path with you. #TeamHealthy

[@faeline8623]

@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you for taking the time to reply! Greetings from Germany.

[@lovereigns3882]

I can totally relate.

[@DeborahOlander]

I can tick off most of the items on this list as coming from my parents and/or coming from my child at me. It is brain washing. It is abuse. It is destructive and draining, and awful.

[@Sedum54]

I went no contact 9 years ago with my mother. She has trained my son to think of me as she does. My son and I used to be close and able to discuss things. Now he does a lot of these small dose N.things. it is abuse and brainwashing.

[@glowinthedarkministry]

Yes! Everything you said I have been through with my narcissist. Including the overt side of him. These narcissists are AWFUL! I have learned to be quiet and to keep to myself as much as possible. I know my God WILL deliver me from this abuse! It's just a matter of time, I WILL get the VICTORY! (Romans 12:18-19) If it is possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place into wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I WILL repay, saith the Lord!

[@roxymovie3938]

Abuse can be defined as intentional harm, injury or offense to another individual. Sometimes Narcs abuse in small doses so that over time it creates a cumulative effect, which becomes brainwashing. Common behaviors of these small doses of abuse: 1. Willing to argue about innocious topics 2. Shut down communication 3. Repeated invalidation 4. Dishones denial 5. Victim blaming 6. Motivation by ridicule, shame and guilt 7. One-upping your confrontation 8. Being overly possesive toward you 9. Consistent lack of responsibility 10. Giving the silent treatment Be aware of the covert messages they imply: > "You are a waste of my time!" > "You are so stupid!" > "I am the one who is in control!" Be aware: > Anger issues that are repetitive become abuse What can you do? 》Willing to speak up with people who can assist you 》Seek therapy, especially when you are trauma bonded 》Be willing to move away Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

[@northstar5919]

What do you think-is it abuse if there is unintentional harm, injury or offense that is repeated?

[@roxymovie3938]

@@northstar5919 Sometimes it is not that easy to clarify if it is intentional or not. But if it is a pattern of harming somebody else, I would say it is an abusive behaviour.

[@gypsyfaded5907]

These videos are absolutely therapeutic. Even as we heal and learn to spot dysfunction it can still hurt. Never too knowledgeable for a "tune up"!! 💜

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!!

[@sherrymurphy855]

... "They just turned the discussion into a competition and you're always going to be the 'designated loser' there." Dr Les Carter... we appreciate hearing these facts as some of us need a constant reminder especially when the grandiose, destructive malignant narcissist is your daughter who has your Grandchild. It's a losing battle that I fight. She has manipulated and controlled me using the child and my love for the child for 8 yrs until I practically gave away my home to run from her and now I'm what I call, "The New Face of the Homeless." Those of us who came of age in the early 70s and became targets/victims of brutal narcissistic abuse not knowing what in God's name was going on. Too many people who are in positions to offer help to abuse survivors are completely ignorant of this type of abuse and when you try to explain it, you sound like the 'crazy' one. Now, adult children wno were weaponized by their dad, taking over where he left off. I feel like I'm at the lowest point in my life and needless to say, do not know where to turn. So, I must call it what it is and turn away from this evil and look to God for guidance. I can no longer pray for her... she's in God's hands. If there is a God and his wrath is real, I'm in fear for my daughter's life for what lies ahead for her. If not God then bad Karma will find her. I pray that my Grandchild is no where near when it hits. *(Gus only needed a "blanket fluff")*😊 (I miss my 2 dogs, too.😢)

[@Naomi-vs1tl]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about what you've gone through and are still suffering. It's so hard when it's a family member, isn't it? Especially your child. Just so heartbreaking. For me, it was my father, but he's passed and recently I've realized my brothers are following in his footsteps. I've gone no contact, but the grief doesn't go away. I tried talking to a therapist, but she was ignorant about this kind of abuse and did not trust my perceptions. Like you said, they think you're the crazy one. I hope you will heal and find peace. Some things are just so hard to accept, but we have no choice.

[@ottoadsit1241]

Dr. Carter, thank you for sharing this. Had a Christian friend who hid this stuff very well. Small doses , until one day i said "no" to him. He tried to talk me iut if my decision multiple times. When he realized i would not budge, his mask came off and all he had left was a large dose, his one last effort to control. We the had lunch, and he went into full acuse mode. It was both sick and pathetic. But because i had been through this one other time before, it was like a shining light on him. In those moments, he looked so small. The sad thing, he thinks he justified in telling me that I can't say no , especially when it affects his image with others.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Some people just don't get it. He doesn't, you did. Glad you are on that side of the equation.

[@christanatwork]

Spot on, Dr. C. 10/10. One more is the endless passive aggressiveness. Closing the door a little harder, expressing her “not complete” satisfaction with husband and children, banging things a little harder, not being as communicative - keeping everyone on their toes walking on eggshells. When the children have to regularly ask, “is mom angry with someone?” something is wrong! Of course, if you straight up asked her, she’d say “no” and spin that into an argument about us thinking bad of her.

[@monongahelacats]

I'm currently taking care of an elderly person who is exactly like this. It's triggering because she is just like my mother.

[@jazz_and_tea]

The main problem in all this is when they don’t let you walk away and move on and keep constant stalking you, every single step and employing tactics through flying monkeys and all kind of ‘shadow techniques’ on the background.

[@glittergirl3052]

I was thinking that, too. They don’t move on. It gets to a point of having to block contact and avoid them.

[@jazz_and_tea]

@@glittergirl3052 if it hadn’t been that easy… the problem would have been fixed right at the beginning… thinking about how many accounts I had to block and mute since the first time I did it

[@jazz_and_tea]

@@glittergirl3052 it is due to the attachment/detachment problem as Anoushka Marcin claims in her videos or a problem of personality disintegration, a severe fragmentation of the ‘I’ and self and a an extreme disconnectedness that leads to perspective (con)fusion or alter(n)ation in which I and You can be interchanged and You is also past He/She (the previous ex and the previous is the previous tracing back to the origin of the mother/father or primary caretaker who caused the wound).

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

They keep score in the relationship which is certailnly unhealthy enough, but guess what? Nothing you do for them counts 😄

[@ericasteele5808]

My narc MIL is a covert, malignant narcissist. Been dealing with her hidden abuse for 8 years.

[@MrMfaust5]

May God Almighty Bless you Dr. Carter. The covert narcissist in my life uses ALL the forms of abuse that you've mentioned, and indeed in small doses from morning to evening. In the end; I end up being the one who is disrespectful; mean; rude; inconsiderate; heartless; conceited; know-it all (and dumb simultaneously); ungrateful; and even immoral and ungodly...

[@cassien7585]

My inlaws. The lies by omission, the victim blaming, the complete denial of your reality, the sending of gifts no one asked for and don't make sense. I just blocked them after they bullied their way up for the birth of our 3rd child. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

[@AvaGld2309]

I finally cut the grandparents off, my parents and the ex inlaws, and my kids have been so much better off. When you realize your kids are being abused too, it makes it so much easier.

[@cassien7585]

@@AvaGld2309 love that for you. Good for you.

[@tatjanak15]

Well, I'd say most of the time it's the small dose abuse, the everyday dose of it, that accummulates: strange comments meant to triangulate, to diminish me, to let me know I can never something right. Thank you for yet another insight here

[@roxymovie3938]

"The dose makes the poison." (Paracelsus 1532, Swiss medico, alchemist, theologian, philosopher)

[@ArtfullyMusingLaura]

My husband says, "It's like being kicked to death by a bunny."

[@lovereigns3882]

"Kicked to death by a bunny" ...this truly resonates with me. It's so true!

[@karenstanislaw8912]

I process and "wear" this daily, Dr. Not only damaging, but so lonely-making. My appreciation to you.

[@DeborahOlander]

Yes. So lonely-making, indeed. That's absolutely true. I was a lonely child who grew into a lonely adult. Even when I'm being out-going and making connections, I'm still that lonely, hurt child on the inside.

[@ArtfullyMusingLaura]

I am grateful for the options and information people have today to help them cope with this issue. I, like many, grew up in a time when this was not recognized, and as a child, you are powerless to stop the abuse. As an adult, you know something is wrong, but it is difficult to articulate the problem, much less figure out how to deal with it. Thank you for the video.

[@pennylynch913]

This is traumatic. Seeing gus helps and so do you Dr Carter. Thanx

[@bereal6590]

They want ultimate control. They want you when you grow up in it, to be what they want. You've two choices and most kids go along because they want love and care. The other choice means you're out of the circle and it's cold and they're not shy in reminding you of that. Having suffered the overt, the covert silent treatments were far more cruel. To withdraw love from a child is cold cruelty, to neglect their feelings. The fact these parents want your adoration and gratitude for being born and what they do and give you isn't a good starting point. Nobody should have a child for those reasons

[@virginiagwen6523]

I think the worst part is the hot-cold treatment. At one moment, they give you gifts and take you out, smile at you, and tell you they love you. The next moment, they are yelling at you, demeaning and belittling you, blaming you for everything, and saying that they hate you or that they regretted having you. I hate it. I always hoped that they will somehow oneday change and treat me kindly, consistently. Now all I hope is for indifference, or just give me the consistent abuse - at least I won't trust them ever again and won't keep getting my heart broken every single time they decide to flip the switch to abuse me.

[@Preacher68]

Wow.. You just described my mother.. 54 year on the 55 year and finally i´ve left her behind, and thats one of the hardest things i´ve ever done. She´s 86 years old and i felt like a arse when i left her but its the only way to survive. Now i blocked her out of my life and i live by the sea on a very beautiful place for 3 months and still i feel depressed thou im free now. Why is that?

[@give_peas_a_chance]

One of the worst things covert narcs do is the unspoken disapproval and scorn that you can feel coming off them that you could never explain to anyone else. It brings to light how inferior they think you are, and it's constant. And perhaps a little adjustment in something that you've done, say a bit of dust on a shelf that you missed, pointedly dusting it without saying anything to you, but making sure you see them doing it, or offering to help with something that you've done badly (because when you're around them you get confused) so they can gloat, again, silently. Tiny little things, all the time. Makes you feel completely incompetent, and you don't really know why.

[@gefen6638]

Thank you for this important video, Dr. C. These covert patterns of behavior can be very crazy-making because while one clearly feels mistreated by the pattern of behavior, it is very hard to think in terms of "compelling evidence" because every "small dose" act can somehow be rationalized. This is why it is so important to pay attention to how a pattern of behavior over time makes you feel. If the effect of disguised behavior feels wounding and traumatizing, this is probably an indication that one should direct one's heartfelt initiative elsewhere, despite the presence of doubt. "Less obvious" people sometimes appeal to time constraints (being busy) or professional status to establish a pattern in which other people have to obey them but they themselves have few obligations toward others outside of an idealized professional sphere in which they can claim high achievement. In reality, we are all responsible for spending our time meaningfully--and being subjugated is not a meaningful use of our time on earth.

[@TC-gx3qn]

I love that you included intentionally causing offense in your description of abuse, Dr. C. That one is harder to recognize as abuse at first. Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕

[@hope46sf]

Your title caught my eye. Like death in tiny doses. I'm so thankful I'm out from the marriage. Unbelieveble control! I guess this concept is why the pastors I tried to talk with about my h minimized things and tried to placate me. When a person experiences the WHOLE PACKAGE, it's devestating!!

[@DeborahOlander]

I'm sorry you were invalidated by those you went to for help. That makes one feel even more alone and increases our questioning of our perceptions. Hope you are able to heal and regain yourself.

[@ambds1975]

Silent disapproval of 'our friends,' until somehow his friends are the only people we hang out with, and we never see my friends. If I didn't hang out with his friends, I had to hang out without him. He did it with my family, too. And then stopped inviting me to his family things. And then started telling me he didn't approve of my friends, whether he was there or not. And then, when I was isolated from everyone but him, for fear of his disapproval, he called me 'a pathological recluse.' 'You never do anything.' 'You don't like going out.'

[@sandrasheard8771]

And what I love realized over the 13 years is he will display this behavior to me; but he won’t to others; he’s the kind and considerate person to everyone else but to me. This is so on target…abuse.

[@nickzerman]

Great video Dr. C. These characteristics describe my mother spot-on. Wild to be figuring this out this late in the game (I’m 31, married, and have a 2 year old daughter). I haven’t seen my mom play with my daughter one time. She just talks the ears off of my wife (I learned to just walk away a long time ago).

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning. If you're figuring it out at this stage of life, consider my thought that your best thinking doesn't even begin until 40. That portends well for you!!

[@DeborahOlander]

So glad you're figuring this out early. Escaping the trauma bonds formed in my family took me until age 48!

[@susanmunoz7688]

Moving away is my goal 👍.Gentle detachment is on the way .

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I stand with you, Susan!

[@susanmunoz7688]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I am very grateful !

[@Gardenwitch1954]

Thank you Dr. C!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome!

[@user-vt8sm3pc3l]

Thank you for these videos Dr. Carter! I left my abusive husband 6 months ago after 17 years of marriage and 3 kids. He is now telling lies about me to my kids and they believe him. He even had me arrested on false accusations that I was abusing him!! It's a mess and he is making the divorce process so hard. It helps to hear your advice and validation. Thank you again.

[@C4RYB34R]

I’ve been evicted because of his disrespect for my home-no smoking allowed. He simply did as he wanted and now I’ve no home and his abuse had upped a notch

[@maryspeth3469]

My answer when obviously a yes or no will do. I'm looking for yes or no; not an argument. Shuts his sorry behind up for an hour to pout. 🙄

[@KeepQuestioning243]

Another great topic!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hope it meets your expectations!

[@pugnasilvia943]

When you have a designated job to help a narcissist and your opinions/feelings/thoughts are trashed 10 times per day and you are on the edge of vanishing and you discover this universe it's all getting sense... And you are not pulling away anymore from yourself and you get the enlightenment that you are not crazy... And you are not mean and your opinions matter... Thanks again dear Dr.!!!

[@Sedum54]

The way you end these videos with concern and understanding always gives me a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I did a lot of therapy and it was worthwhile and helped immensely, but obviously I still have some part of me that was not cared for and this touches it. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are quite welcome.

[@Sedum54]

🙂😊@@SurvivingNarcissism

[@nialeilakande]

I am the one who got away and glad I did! I have had several narcissistic relationships and now I am truly healed ❤❤❤😢😢😢this abuse drains you mentally and emotionally

[@rakeshkapoor9400]

I am 65 , was not aware of such sick behavior earlier. Going through channels such as this one, and a few good books like power of Now, A new earth, why are you, you, , Alchemist, the Zahir, Law of forgiveness, Ego is the enemy, Lifes amazing secret, The monk who sold his faraari, Seven habits of highly effective people, gave me such a insight I am so greatfull. Now I can smell it from miles away and douse it from far away😅. I don't participate in the game at all, just smile and walk away. We need to learn how to live with it cause complete walk away is not an option. Thanks❤🌹🙏 DRC. 💞🙏

[@openeyes46]

His to go to was ,you have a chip on your shoulder ,when ever i vented my oppion ,they shut you down ,keeping out their responcibility of the argument ,very easy .

[@DeCamJ]

thank you so very much. this exactly had been my situation. Me constantly 'forgiving and forgetting' has been more of my positive projection onto the relationship, but i'm learning boundaries better. videos such as this one really really helps. thank you again.

[@cdeweijer12]

Everything you say in this video is exactly the way things develop when he is in that mood for the last forty years. I have learned to be more confident and not being manipulated that easy anymore. Moreover I manage to outsmart him more often, just by being honest. I got a very poor excuse from him saying: “I shouldn’t have said this”. My thought: you did and you meant it

[@duromusabc]

Dr C - you have to do a video on dog whistling - covert narcissists use this a lot especially in family gatherings on holidays or birthdays especially at the dinner table - it’s linked to triangulation- - sadly it leads to reactive abuse by the empath target who’s the main narcissistic supply - thanks !

[@lilianproencademenezesmont4161]

Thank you , Dr. Les Carter , for your kind atention to my comments. I have learned much about narcissism with your lives. They are pretty informatives and I am beginning to understand what I went throug in decades of my life with my husband. Please say hello to Gus. Hello from Brazil.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome, Lilian. Your kind words mean a lot to me.

[@sandrabellerue2836]

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for your extraordinary, accurate description of what I went through, that I never anticipated, but discovered in retrospect. I have learned so much. Knowledge has only added to my life.

[@malwads1836]

🤔Dr.C you really need to sell posters that show lists of the 🚩s of both overt & covert narcissistic behaviors.Also a poster about gaslighting would be absolutely fantastic too.I honestly 💭 MANY of us would really like to hang them in our homes for quick references kinda like how some of us have conversion charts in our kitchens for cooking & whatnot.

[@sharoncohen8127]

This describes my mother to a T. Exactly what I had to endure as a kid and well into my 60s. 2+ years no contact and the better for it now. Working through/unpacking it all with a therapist. Get HELP if you have had to live through this.

[@arabianhorses4ever115]

Oh my, this is what I go through with my husband. It is an ongoing frustration! It's not just one negative vibe, it is every single time I say something or every interaction. I will give some recent examples. I said "My allergies are really flaring up right now" He replied "You weren't that bad when I first got home". I asked "Why did you chop down my wild flowers"? (they have been there for many years, but yesterday he chopped them down) He says" It is not a big deal, you will be okay" He threw away a new bag of chips that I just bought, I asked him why. He said "It's no big deal, they were stale" Over the years, he has thrown so much of my stuff away and either lies, or blames me! Projects are most frustrating, he can never ever agree or negotiate, it always has to be his way.

[@jeankipper6954]

As little children we had no idea what was going on. I lived, not perpetrating the abuse as much as I could. Often at great cost, and also often with much help. Only in the last few years has it become clearer, and much of that has been with your explanations. Both parents were narcs, both had grevious backgrounds, both were very damaged, both took great something, utility?, in passing it on. Understanding is helpful. It is a part of making some sort of sense. Some sense, of bluntly senseless and cruel behavior. Next is how to heal, how do we do that? Do we just have to accept that some things will never be fixed. That hurts. But at this point childhood cannot be fixed. Some damages cannot be fixed. Do you have suggestions for healing?

[@rad9541]

Dr. I discovered your videos and found them to be very helpful to me im a person who was raised by narcissist parents

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad they resonate! I hope you've seen the video, A Narcissistic Parent Checklist.

[@Grace-mg8kv]

This is very timely and is exactly what happened over time. I also thought was just anger issues but sadly can now realise after a pattern it’s not. Am disappointed I didn’t realise earlier

[@EDS-zo8gx]

The most interesting version of #1 I've seen is attempting to argue about something you're actually in agreement about. I think for many long-term relationships, the small doses are what allows it to even work in the long term through the trauma bond because if it's really bad for very long it becomes obvious that you're dealing with somebody with a big problem and you're a lot more likely to walk away if you can. That's probably especially true with narcissists who aren't particularly attractive, rich, talented, or otherwise remarkable in a way that would make the love bombing more effective. I think that's also why the covert part is so much harder to describe to people. We all have our little toxic moments in relationships and so if you mention a one-off interaction to somebody it may seem like nothing. But the pattern over time is how it works. If I'm the narcissist and I can get a little dig in here, a little gaslight in here, a little guilt trip in here, I might convince you that you're not so great - you're no better than me, so you don't have a leg to stand on if you walk away from the relationship. And my love bombing doesn't have to be incredible, because you don't really deserve anything that great, and I've been convincing you of that for years. Maybe we can have a few days without a weird disagreement, or I say thank you a few times for something you do week in and week out that I never help with. Maybe I'm even a little more tricky and I create a little situation and later apologize with a blame shift so I'm able to say that I apologized for something while still being able to make myself the victim and you the perpetrator. The whole thing works together over time as a huge gaslighting effort, one that makes you believe that your perspective about me is unreliable.

[@DeborahOlander]

Excellent description. Been there and lived that. It sucks.

[@cyndim8785]

Don’t forget that they claim to be the smartest, most important and most good looking person in the room. “Night in shining armor, Player status women can’t live without and the smartest man you’ve ever met”. I hear that on a daily basis. We went to a pro baseball game, he accidentally drove into the “Player’s parking garage”. The attendant asked him if he was a player. I responded he thinks he is, a status that he never had. You should have seen the look on his face, priceless. I started little by little giving him back his own medicine.

[@rllght]

Listening to Dr. C listing these abusive traits in such comprehensive and thorough, clear details brings me back to the horrid, nightmare days of my workplace narcissistic abuse. Everything Dr. C mentioned happened. And by watching this video, it feels like blood starts to seep through from my old wounds again.

[@susanking590]

0454am AZ time Monday Dr Carter you have made a huge difference in my rescue from this evil satanic abuse. These people are truly sick and need therapy

[@ChildoftheLIGHT]

Nailed it🎯as always, Dr C. THANK YOU!🩵

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome

[@LibraryBP2]

Narcissists don't have anger issues, they cleverly choose to show their anger only to YOU! While they graciously speak to, smile at, or flirt with others. You are yelled at, put down, and of course the rage. However, your friends are treated like gold by the narcissist.

[@Flickit100]

I have a very narcissistic brother and it's very hard to establish boundaries. He abides by rules that no one else follows. Once he verbally abused me for 3 days, and if I confronted him he got worse. After 3 days, I gently ( emphasize gently) suggested he leave as he wasnt having fun. He went to lie down (narcissistic collapse) had a nap then said okay, maybe I should leave, and he left peacefully. The next time he visited he asked if I was having as hard a time as I was the last time. They have zero self awareness. I treat it as a mental disease they can't help.

[@preparedsurvivalist2245]

Me: "The sky is blue." The Narcissist: "No its not. It's light blue. Why do you always think you know everything? You thought our car was blue and it's purple. I can't stand blue. You know blue is the color of depression. Why do you think you know everything? Do you have to always point out the obvious? Why do you always foucs on meaningless things instead of these kids? Its funny how you sit there talking about the sky when you could be cleaning the bathroom for once."

[@leehamilton4459]

I find myself talking very little to him because any subject turns into a conversation where I feel bad about myself. He says I'm too sensitive. He says that he is the one who has to walk on eggshells around me. He says this because I try to let him know when he is talking rude to me. He insists that he is not being rude and that I must have really low self-esteem to even think that he is talking rude to me.