Why Are Narcissists So Dense?

The longer you are with a narcissist, the more you realize how strongly they are committed to black/white thinking. Dr. Les Carter describes how this leads to an inability to appreciate your unique distinctions. In other words, they are so dense that they remain out of touch with the reality of who they are and who you are.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@armedprophet3321]

Is it dense or arrogance ? I think it’s the latter. They will go to their grave before apologizing.

[@Teacher369]

The narcs in my family were mean AND stupid. 🦶 Before learning about narcissism I saw these qualities as separate and distinct. Now I see how they are interconnected. ☮️

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Both!

[@dakoderii4221]

My dad apologized once, "I'm f*****g sorry. Happy now m*********r?"🤬 The flying monkeys: "He apologized. Why can't you learn to forgive people?"🙃🤪

[@krystalMtn]

I still haven't decided. I can clearly see my ex is dense and didn't have parents who made efforts to raise him properly. A mother who I am convinced is not only sociopath but also has psychopath traits. Neglected her children at young ages, lied to and also belittled them as they got older, and left them in the hands of a chauvinistic, narcissist, abusive man she married who was also hugely prejudice. However I was married to the ex long enough to have showed and taught him differently. Yet he chose to continuously try and play ignorant with me about nearly everything.

[@hollywade6761]

Paddling defiantly in her little lifeboat of denial, that is how I will forever see my mom.

[@izawaniek2568]

Narcisists are dense, arrogant, entitled and blind to what real life is all about. Hopeless cases. Thank you dr Carter❤

[@ElizzzaB]

Life is all about them and they want the victim to go along with it. Just say No thanks.

[@politicalfisherman540]

Lmao, says the narcissist.

[@jengable4888]

Yes !! I totally agree !

[@jacobhoffman2553]

they are also 3 out of 4 ppl on the fuckin planet....

[@egrogan6482]

@@jacobhoffman2553 I know, right? Official statistics are something like 5%, but I think the people who compiled those "stats" are narcissists themselves maybe? It has to be alot higher than that.

[@jennywager6228]

That arrogant smirk, the black eyes, the madness

[@michellehill718]

Lol 🤗

[@jenniferalves6808]

Frankly, sometimes I've thought they're actually possessed by an entity, because their energy gets so dark, then they perform their "light" "high vibe!" bullshit, but once you see behind the veil, there's no going back. They're so painfully stupid, once you know their game

[@wildhog2732]

The moment you start to empathize with them for being just scared children putting on a mask is the moment you will waste your entire life. These people will punch you in the face then call you crazy and abusive for reacting

[@malwads1836]

🤔They're not even scared kids...They're just a empty 🐚 with a 🎭 on it.I'll always feel pity for the little kids they once were...But I have 0 empathy for the empty 🐚 adult narcs, there's nothing even there to pity ultimately because it basically just rotted away while they were growing up.

[@egrogan6482]

GREAT description, especially your last sentence, so very true.

[@stickwitch13]

Living this hell now.

[@ruthslater6364]

ABSOLUTELY TRUE. WELL SAID ❤😂😊

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

Then send their flying monkeys after you

[@istateyourname4710]

It's definitely situational. One moment, 'I know everything!' The next moment, 'I know nothing!'

[@DahliaBrynn]

Yes! My stbx knew EVERYTHING. Except how to dress himself 🙄🤦‍♀️ One of the last straws was when I reminded him yet again that I was going out of town for our daughter's medical care, and he had a job interview coming up. When he yelled at me, "Who's going to dress me!?", I think that was the beginning of the end. It still took a year and a half to leave, but I did it.

[@istateyourname4710]

@DahliaBrynn Good on you! ❤️Mine had a similar tendency as he was color blind & struggled w/ necktie choices. If he was particularly unpleasant~I'd pick a mismatched tie for the day...he didn't know the difference...lol😉

[@drsaylor9145]

Situational that they manipulate every situation. And I agree with your comment as well

[@t_nels]

Then you really see how stunted they are!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Whatever suits them at the time ❣️

[@monicaelyn2393]

Dr. C... I wish we could honor you with a Humanitarian award for all the good you have done for so many people...Thank you!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so kind. Thank you.

[@monicaelyn2393]

@@SurvivingNarcissism You're so welcome

[@malwads1836]

My goodness this man deserves a award for the service he's doing...He's probably saved thousands of lives while doing these videos.

[@vickirivera2240]

I definitely agree! Freely giving to us all, years of study and knowledge. ❤

[@bryenwillems]

❤

[@ErumEhmad20]

In my experience, narcs are focused on all that doesn't really matter

[@deemaysie6568]

And this is very painful when that person is your manager because then you are left to attend to the things that matter greatly to the business while they only focus on trivialities, and.. of course...take the recognition. My reality at the moment.

[@OrangeUp]

They want to get on your nerves in many different ways.

[@Yatukih_001]

Examples include ´a new vaccine booster´ and ´a new UFO sighting which could reveal potential threats to national security´. Notice how obsessed they are with security. Its always ´security this´, and ´security that´. They are masters at finding the right date to bring in a new obsession with an old topic which is no longer significant in 2023, like still trying to find somebody who will write the script to Back to the Future 4, finding another excuse for Kathleen Kennedy to be involved with a new film project, trying to find a new easter egg in the film In the Mouth of Madness. To them, life is an easter egg full of surprises which are only surprises, if they control the outcome. Like trying to purchase a 40,000 dollar car for a friend who did not ask for it. And its always going to be this security issue which is used to justify the next obsession with something which does not really matter.

[@au7-721]

Yes because they want something to complain about. When Im around my family they watch me like a Hawk.

[@fumarate1]

yes along with there pessimissim.

[@greatboniwanker]

If they don't pretend they are too dense to understand their own actions, then they would have to admit to what they're doing.

[@jacklarson6281]

I think in some cases it may be a ruse. The narc I'm thinking of uses ignorance as a tool to manipulate people to do what he wants.

[@ElizzzaB]

@jacklarson6281 yes. Lie deny is in their bag of tricks. Hit them with logic and you will see their lack of understanding.......as they don't do logic. They go by their feelings.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

Whaaatttt?? And take responsibility...be held accountable... for their words/actions?!!? "Surely you jest!"😆 A fate worse than death for a narcissist ~ especially the covert ones! They're slicker than spit in avoiding the blame for ANYTHING. And the more bad things that a covert narci says & does, the tiny speck of a conscience they buried somewhere deep inside, struggles to get out of its gag & handcuffs, but it cannot get free.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

My soon to be ex (or widower) covert-narci 'husband' of 33yrs is VERY SMART guy...works at the gov't Lab where they created "fusion" for the 1st time ever ~ was big news last Dec. He works on that project, with extremely precise lasers & micro-tiny measurements -- no room for error! Amazes me that he can be so smart doing his job & so responsible, then he comes home & is the the exact opposite of all that! He acts so nice, kind, dedicated at work -- "what a great guy!" -- they'd never guess that he's abusive to his wife... blaming & shaming, lying about me so much at work, he forgets that I KNOW THE TRUTH & he slips-up at times, saying those lies to my face, as if true! Shocks me when he does that, but I recover fast enuff to remind him that I'm the 1 person he can't lie to cuz' I was there! Then I remind him of real facts & ask how many times he's told that lie, that he'd say it TO ME, as if truth!?! I'm totally isolated ~ we have no friends or family, so no way for me to find out the lies he tells others, except when he screws up & says it TO ME! He is a smart guy (but lousy liar) & I remind him of what's truth & he starts yelling cuz' knows he's busted! He's lazy, sly, phony, controlling, hurtful, cruel & abusive, a covert narci & talks sh*t about me ~ he's many things, but "dense" is not 1 of them!

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

They have no accountability for their actions because it's always somebody else's fault.

[@mj-rg9kp]

My narc sister literally said she “would never do such a thing, bc she’s not that kind of person” when I told her what upset me before going no contact. She deflected and tried to triangulate, bringing in a third person, as well as blaming me in the end, that I “misheard” her. It’s like she can’t fathom the idea that she could be at fault for anything. It’s crazy making dealing with these people.

[@ElizzzaB]

Record them and show the proof? They will still lie deny.

[@deawallace3584]

If they cannot get out of answering your accusation, they can always just start crying....then they totally ignore you because you had the nerve to "Hurt their feelings!"

[@trentpettit6336]

@@deawallace3584 Yes, either start crying or start yelling, then blame the victim for "pushing their buttons" and causing their temper to explode! Normal human beings just can't win with these assholes!

[@mj-rg9kp]

@@ElizzzaB So true yet they believe they’re virtuous which is sickening 🤮

[@mj-rg9kp]

@@deawallace3584 The always handy victim card, which they’ll never surrender

[@tbunnyshy1]

They are above everyone else, so it doesn’t register that others matter too. Dense.

[@krystalMtn]

I think you hit on at least part of the answer. They are so oblivious to everyone and everything outside of themselves that there's actually no thought about what someone else wants, needs, likes, doesn't like, and it is just not important or any value to them. So why waste time giving any thought to anyone or anything else?

[@tbunnyshy1]

@@krystalMtnAbsolutely 🎯 It really is like that. Exhausted. 🤕

[@amandaliverpool3374]

They spend so much time looking down on you. They don't realise that they need to look up occasionally to find a way forward!

[@songriver1232]

Yup. They are smarter than everyone to. They ask you something then answer for you. Humiliate you. Demean you. Try to take you down.

[@sallybutler1005]

My mum received fifty thousand pound - and gave me two hundred out of it - only child as well - and asked me if I'd had a good time with it 😂 yeah I payed a gas and electric bill mum cheers !!!

[@krystalMtn]

I've had this question running laps in my head for over 35yrs. I started trying to answer that question 5 years into the marriage with a covert narcissist, later sociopath, that has been the ex for a few years now. Took until year 26 to find one single book and 2 youtube channels that made mention of a covert narcissist and I finally knew that was what I was dealing with, but the dense question has always remained a puzzle to me.

[@maceyjayne]

Exactly my situation -- 26 years. Looking back, the writing was on the wall at day one.

[@sparklecanada0112]

44 yrs here😣 To this day, I still remember the day I thought, "He's like Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde"(Because, he was so unpredictable and constantly changing on a dime from nice to nasty).

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

I didn't really understand what narcissism was and I was married to a narcissist for 40 years; Now I do and was able to realize that what happened in the past wasn't all my fault.

[@JohnOliver100]

Same here. I'm in my mid 60's now. Raised by narc parents and continually recreated the same dysfunctional dynamic in my work relations and personal relations. Twice married narcs. Dropped out of society 20 years ago after last divorce to figure this mess out. Stumbled on a KZbin video about 10 years ago that stated that if I kept getting into relationships with narcs it was probably because I had been raised by one. That's when it clicked for me. If it wasn't for the internet I never would have figured this out.

[@krystalMtn]

@@JohnOliver100 Yeah, my actual downfall was that I had a classic narcissist Dad and loving mother so I knew to stay away from his type when I came across them. Even though I didn't know the term narcissist back then. When I started seeking information about my marriage I only ever found information about classic narcissists which didn't fit what I was dealing with. It wasn't until coming across the 2 youtube channels that spoke of covert narcissism. One of which spoke of the more dangerous coverts who are actually sociopaths that I started to find what I needed. I had never heard of a covert before then so I had no idea what a covert narcissist was, and that they are totally different in nature. It was only after reading a book by an FBI analyst that I learned that the sociopath was known for engaging in more risky behaviors that are known precursors that a covert, or sociopath will engage in before taking active steps towards disposing of their partners. By that time I was already in my escape planning stages. It made me have to be much more careful and safety conscious.

[@lukecarey613]

Because they’re in deep denial.

[@Bianca-sw5id]

It's creepy how they lie to themselves 🥴

[@notthatvashti8127]

Dr C, I could tell how difficult it was for you to say the word 'stupid.' But stupid is as stupid does. I feel your empathy.

[@Nn-sz9ht]

The way Dr. C described it here was sort of a relief to me.. I use it reluctantly but this is how I mean it. Not to be rude or mean but using the true sense of the word. Being with these types of people is intensely challenging

[@notthatvashti8127]

@@Nn-sz9ht I totally agree!

[@susanparker9877]

The word stupid was on my tongue during the whole video. When Dr C. finally said it, I felt such relief.

[@notthatvashti8127]

@@susanparker9877 Yes, most of us don't want to be negative or ugly, but you have to wonder why they act in such destructive ways toward themselves and others. Deliberately choosing to lose out on goodness is just stupid.

[@mariaawake4502]

I noticed that the narcissist is sometimes frustrated with his own denseness or mental limitations, then lacking anybody to blame he feels sorry for himself. 😳

[@t_nels]

So true!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

🎯👍❣️

[@laurence.MusicAndSights]

From the French heatwave 🔥 I couldn t agree more with you. A short acute analysis 🎉 🙏 👏

[@roxymovie3938]

Very true 🎯💛 and he is also sometimes frustrated with his dysfunctions of his body.

[@mariaawake4502]

@@laurence.MusicAndSights, thanks and stay cool. I will be in Europe next month to deal with European narcissists, my wonderful relatives. 🤐🧐

[@martyrose]

I was wondering that today. If you tell someone you need extra room in the fridge and the next time you look there are 48 new bottles of beer jammed in there, what exactly is the motivation? I think it goes beyond stupidity because I think causing inconvenience is intentional. Looking for an argument? You're not going to get it from me because it'll satisfy your mental illness. Does it improve my ability to swear under my breath? Absolutely!

[@tbunnyshy1]

So true ! 🎯 There are “set ups” everyday. Once I got over the urge to “fix things”, debate, etc., it’s much easier to let it go now. It took a long time and lots of practice! ❤

[@krystalMtn]

A regular occurrence with my ex too. I learned not to share my thoughts or wishes as I knew that meant he would go and do the very opposite. Whatever that might be.

[@tbunnyshy1]

⁠@@krystalMtnI just started practicing this. Its a challenge with my family. Occasionally I’m still that sucker, thinking they’re interested or care about anything. The intermittent “kindness” brings cognitive dissonance. You know they don’t care but you avoid that fact because you want them to “care” again. I want that breadcrumb from time to time. Its no good.

[@dakoderii4221]

Then they tell everyone you don't know how to be a team player and you don't want to get along but oh, they are trying ever so hard to get along with you.

[@lynnebucher6537]

It's a deliberate behavior. They want to upset you because somehow that makes them feel better. It's why they bait you into arguments.

[@bryanfinkell5184]

My father was a Sociopathic Narsisist with Borderline. The damage he did to me and my sisters is unspeakable. I did survive and recovered. It took a long time. I'm convinced most people have no idea how scaring and traumatic an experience like this can be. Most times that I have tried to explain it I'm met with blank stares. I'm sure I'm not the only one!

[@stickwitch13]

✨🕯️ I hear you

[@LinYouToo]

🙏

[@cassiebennet4262]

You're not. I was raised by a single narc Dad. I was the scapegoat. It was horrible. Even my golden child sister had to deal with wrath a lot. That's how bad it was.

[@naiyalexic]

You didn't deserve any of that. None of you did. Now that you're an adult, you can set your own terms, become a mindful force for good in the world, and have an awesome life away from that insanity. Hoping you're doing well, friend.

[@idid138]

They don't think people can be awful. I didn't think so either, so I married him! I found out the hard way. Don't even bother trying to explain to people who don't get it, it will just make you question yourself.

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

The projection is the ugliest part in my opinion. It’s what causes so much depression and loneliness in the actual victim. I stepped away for good from extremely toxic family but I’m tired. My body needs rest from all the gaslighting and living in the 4F models trying to survive. Every time I go back because I truly love them I’m set back in recovery. It’s like a toxic, dense, poisonous venom that infiltrates your spirit. I’m ready for rest, peace and true love… which I will give to myself first.

[@sparklecanada0112]

I liken it to visiting a Toxic City Dump. You hang out there and deal with the stench and toxicity and disease causing microbes. Then, You go home to an environment of Fresh Air and Pleasantness and Health. Go back to the Dump; and Re-Introduce Yourself to all of those same Toxins. Why Bother?🤔🤔🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏿‍♂️

[@cymbolichuman433]

...man...

[@stickwitch13]

With you

[@cynthiajohnson1914]

Please give yourself that love ❤️

[@naiyalexic]

My experience with one of these people knocked me back years, destroyed my positive mindset, destroyed my healthy boundaries like they were an affront to love itself, and left me hollow like a paper shell of who I was when I met them and started to engage with them. If someone like this is being deceptive, they are constantly afraid that you are, and you'll constantly be questioned, sometimes bullied and badgered because of their paranoia. That's projection. If they're downplaying their relationship with you to others while telling you how in love with you they are and that you're the one for them, you can bet they're afraid you're doing the same thing, so again they're going to assume you're this way and justify their increasingly shitty, dishonest behavior. One tiny thing, if you ever do make a mistake and you think that you've talked it out to get past it so you don't do it again, because you love this person and want thing to work -- will be saved as future weaponry. Your minor mistakes will be used as fuel to justify their deeper and deeper decline into abject depravity, and eventually they'll just not give a f*** at all and do all kinds of crazy things behind your back, until you bust them enough times to be able to walk away. If you see anything like this, leave immediately. Don't have another thing to do with them.

[@WaterBug46]

H came home from his therapy session last week to proudly announce to me that he had a warrior’s mindset, was not introspective and had no curiosity about those around him. It was his get out of jail free card. I told him thank you and that I already knew these things. And I told him to thank his therapist for me. He is utterly clueless to what he described about himself. They are that self deceived and therefore always unsafe to be around.

[@malwads1836]

No amount of therapy will ever allow these individuals to recover...Even the rare ones that have been in therapy for years don't recover.Minimize contact as much as possible & it's best to just go no-contact if you get the opportunity.They tend to get extra screwy in old age😬.

[@egrogan6482]

@@malwads1836 Your last sentence - BOY HOWDY do they! You hit the nail on the head.

[@idid138]

I'm surprised he remembered anything after "warrior mindset" he must have thought those were compliments also.

[@TheMazinoz]

@@malwads1836 There is no solution for them. Just keep them out of things as much as possible to minimise damage, avoid, ignore or if need to resort to legal action in order to do this.

[@mr.cardinal9182]

All the little boxes in their heads that they use to organize their lies have very thick walls & take up all the space that kind people use for love and understanding.

[@roxymovie3938]

So true! 🎯

[@istateyourname4710]

Mine was expert @ compartmentalization.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

My ex husband to a T 👍

[@debraelramey5254]

Dense is the best word I've heard yet to describe the person I deal with daily. It's an uphill battle and it's wearing me out. It's impossible to even have an adult conversation with one so dense, like trying to reason with a lunatic. Much love and gratitude, Dr. Carter, for these words.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

They are so focused on self importance, they are impervious to what's going on around them!

[@Hatbox948]

I think you're right. And no amount of talking changes anything. They will never "get it". If I tried to talk to my ex narc about anything, his response was always "I don't know, I never pay attention".

[@tbunnyshy1]

Exactly 🎯 Their self importance is at such an extreme level. We have “nothing to work with”. Dense! 😂

[@tbunnyshy1]

@@Hatbox948Yep. 🎯 They “play dumb”.

[@krystalMtn]

Completely oblivious to the degree that nothing else registers with them.

[@roxymovie3938]

"Impervious" is a good description. They are focused on scanning their enviroment for injury all the time so that there is no space for the feelings of others.

[@cyndis3942]

I used to tell my narc-mother, "I'm not doing your thinking for you."

[@canadafragrancereviewerdia9119]

It’s best to keep your distance from these people. They are toxic to your health and lack compassion and empathy. They are self absorbed and entitled and will always make you look bad and tell you you’re the problem. It’s so sad especially when one is in your family. I have cried so many tears but I know I can never help them.

[@BrettELothrop]

During a Narks early years, age 1-18, I think many of them discover they cannot read material and then implement what they read into their lives. And so they chose to adopt a mindset of a “tough guy”.

[@bereal6590]

There is definitely a simpleton kind of thinking not as in iq but as in no nuance or ability to discern information. Everything is black and white

[@bobspamail]

Trying to reason with a narcissist is like teaching a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

😂😅👍👍

[@roxymovie3938]

🤣🤣🤣👍

[@kimshatteen222]

😊

[@aloniutube]

To say they’re dense is an understatement. These people can seem autistic in the sense that they dissociate themselves from reality. When I see my brother or his wife,both narcs, I change my positivity and show a mask of loathing towards them. This is the only way they will not step all over me and respect me. They simply can’t cope with any emotions of life. These immature people are stuck in time. You just gotta realise their existence is completely bogus.

[@cassiebennet4262]

Which explains why there's a lot of overlap in autistic behavior and NPD. The behavior happens for different reasons. Many narcs are claiming to be autistic these days to avoid accountability.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Yes, they are very simplistic, and even angry when we ask to have a discussion to go deeper for a solution. Narcissists want everything to be easy and make themselves feel good temporarily. Nothing is about fixing a problem with others. Attempting to have a discussion with them always turns into a debate or fierce argument, it is agonizing. Even the simplest things are turned into ugly angst. As soon as I figure out someone is like this I avoid them entirely. Any interaction with them is far too stressful. They are also invested in just knowing something or speaking something is enough they don't have to actually follow what they say they believe. They often will make promises to do something and not do it, just saying it is enough.

[@jaxvanheerden]

I've had this experience as well and this isn't mentioned enough here. They can say sorry, but they have no insight into what they're actually saying sorry about, minutes later they'll be doing the exact same thing.

[@roxymovie3938]

A discussion was not even allowed. I was told with a very harsh voice,"No discussion!"

[@nancytwigg4631]

You are so right!

[@TheMazinoz]

@@jaxvanheerden Yes!

[@TheMazinoz]

Yes. I'm on a Body Corp committee [owners corporation in US]. Most of the owners are like this. They seem to think all they have to do is say they want something and a fairy will take care of the details, wave a magic wand and hey presto their wish fulfilled. No idea of procedure, meetings, quotes etc. My position is voluntary and I simply want to get basic repairs done within our budget.

[@delsc7287]

I am currently in the end process in divorcing my Narc husband. My husband's goto move was to consistently "play dumb". Act as though he has no idea that what he was doing and saying to me were hateful and viscous. His family on the other hand are definitely Dense and stupid narcissists.

[@naiyalexic]

Yep. Someone else is always the problem, and their little peanut gallery are just as bad.

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

They compete with you. There is no love where competition can exist.

[@opheliamorgan2141]

Thank you Dr. Carter, i have stepped aside when after 20 years it was the same repitition in every area of our life. Oh my, he was never willing to compromise, learn or listen....dense....arrogant.....foolish.....selfish is what they are. I am on my road to healing and recovery and praying for those who are still in this cycle of torment😮.

[@user-tb5lw9fb7k]

Bingo!

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

I've been in that place myself; married to a Narcissist for over 40 years and all the way through, I had done all the compromising. These toxic people try to destroy you. I've been separated for 10 years and I've decided to divorce. I'm glad you've stepped aside and wish you well.

[@eden7440]

To me it's more unadulterated pride rather than density. Too thick with pride to ever admit being wrong or unknowing.

[@deadparrot5953]

Exactly! They play dumb when it suits them.

[@Bree-qx8ow]

excellent point! After 4 years my x boyfriend mask was lifted and he did not care when i finally needed some attention.I refused to be his supply & was dumped brutally & still in shock after a few months.

[@MeeLii2024]

My narc is so dense that getting him to answer a text is an exercise in patience. Then when called, the first response is "you have no idea of how busy I am". And my logical self just backs away and SMH at the stupidity of it all. Thank goodness I live far away and it's all over the phone

[@Bree-qx8ow]

very smart to limit contact !

[@NavaSDMB]

My brothers and I have been known to describe Mom as "a toon" (cf Who Framed Roger Rabbit) and as "proof that the multiverse exists, she lives in an alternate reality that's close enough to ours as to be able to interact, but definitely not the same!" She's both extremely self-centered and extremely un-self-aware. For example, she commonly complains about other people standing in the middle of the way... but can block more space by herself than a whole New Year's Parade (and no, she's not particularly big). Getting her to move out of the way requires ridiculously detailed and repeated instructions: "Mom, could you move this way please? THIS way. No, Mom, that's the opposite way. The way I'm pointing. By looking at my hand, Mom, that's how you see which way I'm pointing. Yes, that way. A bit more, Mom, I'm not transparent. Thank you." Her motto should be _piensa mal y acertarás:_ think "wrong" and you'll be right; assume the worst of everybody and you'll be right. Getting her to accept (or at least act as if) that sometimes "I won't be coming for lunch tomorrow, I have a bad tummy" means exactly "I won't be coming for lunch tomorrow, I have a bad tummy"... GAH!

[@deadparrot5953]

That sounds like my mom when she complains about someone else telling a story: "Ugh, she talks too much, puts in too many unnecessary details, just get to the point already." I nearly laughed in Mom's face, the irony of her complaining about someone else telling a story in the same annoying manner she does was just too much! 😂

[@NavaSDMB]

@@deadparrot5953 Oh God YES! "Mom, I don't even know that woman, stop describing her family tree!"

[@pinehodges185]

Dear Dr. Carter, I have been able to "burn bridges" with Narcissist ex-brother, for nine years now and counting !! I no longer live anywhere near his last known location, and live in my own home with the best people I have ever known... No Narcissists or alcohol-consumers in sight !!! Thanks again fir your great informative video-lessons against Narcussism !!!

[@songriver1232]

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉sounds like heaven

[@malwads1836]

Congrats🥳👍🏻👍🏻🎉🎊!

[@Bree-qx8ow]

Thats great! I like alaska but so many people drink alcohol its a big problem.Your area sound like maybe canada is my guess.Peace to you.

[@sandram4670]

Getting through to them is like trying to get through a rock wall using only a toothpick.

[@roxymovie3938]

That analogy makes me laugh!😂 It is a good analogy 👏👏👏

[@clarekuehn4372]

Combination of arrogance and sometimes they block mentally, too. So he is right.

[@higherlove8886]

I cried about what was frustrating me and why. The look on their face was if none of it was computing. I don't think they could comprehend my emotions at all.

[@Strangertothisworld-vw5zr]

Everything this man just said and you ! I just cried for an hour begging n pleading w God . I would be gone tonight if I had somewhere to go . He is so mean to me and said he is tried of seeing my face - used sexual abuse tramua triggers - and it’s our anniversary . Canceled it cause he said he doesn’t wanna see my face ! He wants to control me but only for his needs . Doesn’t care about me or for the tears I’ve cried . He grins n thinks o deserve that so I refuse to ever cry in front of him ever ! I cry to God n He does see n hear it all . He will deliver me . I will be set free. He said to me - I need to get a life ! So when he asks after I do leave - that’s my answer . I did what ya told me to do. Now my face you will never see again n I am getting a life .

[@higherlove8886]

@@Strangertothisworld-vw5zr you do not deserve to be treated that way. I'm so sorry. You will get through this 🫂

[@cassiebennet4262]

Narcs are ruled by their emotions and other's emotions don't exist or matter unless they want to feed on your misery.

[@Flutezor]

Their inability to be accountable seems to me as such a key part of the tragedy of their existance. The more distance I get, the more I pity them.

[@BobTheSchipperke]

Probably because IT WORKS FOR THEM. Always looking to get ahead - so if a ploy works? Who are they to balk at it? 🤔 They also tend to PURPOSELY MISUNDERSTAND.

[@roxymovie3938]

@@robertruge2916 Exactly! 🎯

[@jacklarson6281]

The intentional misunderstanding is also a form of gaslighting. By staring blankly at you while you try your best to explain something. They are telling you, without words, that you are stupid, crazy, make no sense, and just plain insignificant.

[@narayanstar7787]

Thank you for this. I never wanted to believe my sister was a narc ,like so many others in my family : but after a recent fight provoked by her manipulation, I have to admit she is not well.

[@purplepaws9273]

looking forward to this, i just spent 7 hours with my narc & survived. Thanks to your videos and advice I know I handle the situation better. He talked non stop in his car for an hour, mainly angry and shouting and complaining about everything and making passive-aggressive comments about me, i just responded to nothing, he was recording me on his dashboard cam..i caught myself getting upset which he wanted and then i said stop and remained silent.. I did manage to rattle him up later by sitting next to a very loud group at a restaurant at dinner, lol! the look on his face was priceless!

[@bongofury333]

Thatta girl

[@lynnebucher6537]

I think these people get so emotionally dysregulated that they have to do and say things to get you upset as well in somehow that makes them feel better. My ex actually admitted to deliberately doing things to rile me up.

[@kingbee9778]

The narcissist's seeming obtuseness is at odds with their razor sharp cunning and focus on causing harm.

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

The banality of evil? A huge can of worms that Dr C able to help us see for what it is. Thank you!

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

Narcissists will deny that something happened, even when the proof is put right in front of their noses; they lack empathy, understanding and have no conscience. They blame shift and lack any accountability for what they've said or done. They never apologize because it's never their fault. Dense.

[@poloman888]

you had me at "stupid factor."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I just had to say it, you know?

[@douaa1934]

Choosing to be around lighter people who perk your energy up Not narcissists who deplete others energy with their presence

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Exactly ❣️

[@Hatbox948]

Exactly, regardless of how much sunshine and light you try to breathe into the relationship.

[@Joemar4]

Yes, unfortunately my narc mother aced this test! 10 out of 10! If you would have had 15 points, I have no doubt she would have been 15 out of 15! Everything you described in this video fit my mother 100%! Thank you for another extremely helpful video. You are a Godsend Dr. C.

[@Staranaise]

Same!

[@stevecoleman1180]

Exactly my mother and her sister. Going no contact has been the greatest relief

[@VinceA-jq6ds]

My wife also gets a perfect score.. and many direct quotes even.

[@christineplaton3048]

Narrow vision. Nothing peripheral. All self absorbed.

[@elcee7800]

10 home runs here! Thank you very much for being straightforward, what a relief. 👏🏼👌🏼

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it helped!

[@elcee7800]

@@SurvivingNarcissism 😁

[@michelleharkness7549]

For The Record- ( opinion ) : Gus ( puppy 🐶) looks so awesome 😎 resting happily on his sofa 🛋️: be sure to tell him “ woof- woof “ from a dedicated fan !!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hi Michelle. Gus always appreciates your good vibes!!

[@lynnb1746]

So hard to rise above the "quagmire" when trying to understand why they are the way they are. Was it trauma in their youth? Why are they stuck in junior high? Thank you for your videos, Dr. C.

[@harleyquinn5774]

Yes, it is trauma.

[@judysteinfeldt3159]

I always wonder why, too. Why the arrogance and superiority? We’re they rejected on the playground and they are stuck in it?

[@cazjay017]

Junior high. Exactly. 👏👏

[@Joemar4]

If you watch some of his other videos, you'll hear him explain how most narcissists have the mental capacity of an 8-10 year old. That explained everything with my own mother. I was constantly comparing her to a 10 year old. I then found out I was right!

[@kennedyadams7159]

Neglect from their mothers while young

[@Misstdaniels01]

This is one of the best videos I have watched and I am so grateful for the opportunity to educate myself. I told myself I would “stay for the kids” and I am now confident to prepare myself financially and emotionally to GET OUT!! I was told today when I questioned him yelling at me, screaming and grabbing me that “I shouldn’t have provoked him” and although he was wrong, it was still my fault. I will not subject my son and daughter to this behavior. I will leave this man and I am excited about preparing myself with your tools!

[@anndra1160]

My prayers are with you and your children! 🙏 If I were you, I'd somehow document or record these violent outbursts, especially if it's going to be a divorce situation. That is domestic violence. Don't make the same mistake I made - I always hid the acts of psyical abuse going on in my marriage. I only had 1 picture I had taken of bruises I had on my arms after one such outburst of rage from my ex. In the end, the court just treated it like a "normal" divorce, only concerned about "marital assets". These people are CRIMINALS and should be treated as such!!!

[@idid138]

Be careful. Get your affairs in order & don't let him know til you're gone. Have a support network Nd brace for the worst.. God bless you & yours.

[@teagoldleaf4137]

Good for you, but be careful, he may have Spyware on your phone or even bugs in rooms you hang out in when you talk on the phone. Such apps and devices are cheap and easy to buy. As you probably already know, but I'm typing it for you just incase. Best of luck 🌷

[@VinceA-jq6ds]

Best of luck to you. I'd love to leave but being I'm the husband getting custody is highly unlikely. She plays the victim very well.

[@christinerobertson9596]

I'm taking care of my malignant, machiavellian narc mother. Yesterday she told me "I must obey her wishes". I replied "FU" so I was in the wrong. She said she reported me to elder care and then took it back and she didn't. I'm going to cover myself with an elder care attorney. I want another living situation. She's a true case study.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

Perhaps might be an idea to let her feel entitled to be an elderly adult being to herself, being able to live on her own. Make sure your finances are OK and separate and you cannot be sued, then secretly quit without leaving a note. Let her "eat of the fruit of her own way" (Proverbs 1:31) and let her alone. May she consult elder care or her GP for further steps.

[@jujubean914]

I live in near constant fear from my covert narc mother because I am her caregiver, the only person who will have anything to do with her, but thanks to Dr. C and these videos I'm pulling back, not giving her the supply she wants and she does not hesitate to try to smear me, claim I'm not taking care of her (she blames someone else for saying those words). I'm moving away in a matter of weeks and have already spoken with her program caseworker to try to ensure I'm not accused of neglect when I leave. I have not announced my leaving yet either, so she has no idea, thank goodness.

[@MessHallProd]

You are describing my Sister.... Yeaks, she is Dense! I've been learning about Narcissist for a few months. I never thought about her being Dense, but she sure is.... I'm in Gray Rock mode with her at present and learning to heal from her Denseness!! Thanks for sharing!!!!

[@Hatbox948]

I do think my ex narc is dense. He's done some incredibly dumb things. I can't connect with him mentally. There's always misunderstanding, anger, accusations, etc. I would always walk away from conversation with him feeling like crap. It would often be from misunderstanding and/or his long diatribes about himself.

[@jennywager6228]

Can't wait to hear your take on their denseness but I'm wandering if it's an act to get others to do things for them..Even though we know they can see,hear and do what we can. I mistook it for autism for years. Not because autism creates dense people but the behaviour was similar for very different reasons! Now I understand the difference.

[@ArtfullyMusingLaura]

There is definitely laziness involved.

[@darleneschreiber9415]

I think it's both. My mother is a narc.....and she's always had the mentality of a teenager. She's extraordinarily UN-self aware.....and that creates denseness. But, now that she's in her late 70s, AND a widow, she LOVES to play the "old-lady card". She has even said, to me, that she's ENTITLED to certain things now, due to her age. (She's healthier than anyone I know, though.) Part of it, with her, is getting something for nothing....she expects people to "do" for her, for free. Also, it makes her feel special. Trying to figure out these people is like trying to untangle the hardest knots!

[@ArtfullyMusingLaura]

Do we have the same mother?@@darleneschreiber9415

[@robbynsmith6190]

My MIL acts helpless with anything she doesn’t want to do herself. If it’s something she enjoys, she’s all over it. Ugh.

[@malwads1836]

Part of it is an act/manipulation...But in the grand scheme of things there really is downright stupidity involved because no matter how much/badly things end up backfiring on them,they (STILL) keep right on repeating the same old problematic patterns🙄.

[@cstars987]

What do you do when the narcissist is a licensed social worker and uses her education to gaslight you? That's what I'm dealing with!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Get a different social worker. Trust your gut and don't waste your time pleading your case.

[@andrewmaniscalco3533]

I had that happen to me. She was a girlfriend/girlenemy. She couldn't practice as a social worker because she kept getting criminal charges. She was a VAMPIRE. I hit the street literally. I just pulled myself out of homelessness just earlier this year, 2023. I left her in 2020 in the middle of the pandemic. It was HELL.

[@t_nels]

Find a psychiatrist. I just found out that who I had seen and recommended to my daughter is a social worker. Once I searched I saw how few and hard to come by they are.

[@malwads1836]

I used to have a doctor that would gaslight & play head-games both with me & even other patients/workers,I actually wonder if he was possibly a psychopath due to the behaviors he exhibited...Once I realized he was a wack-job,I got a new family doctor a few years ago.Yes it was a little bit of a hassle but it was WORTH the effort.Don't be afraid of seeking greener pastures elsewhere & pay close attention to who you're dealing with no matter what title they may have.

[@thecrapartistx]

I do indeed know that feeling my insane narc mother is a nurse practitioner who's spent my whole life making sure everyone believes she's the best and I am a worthless ungrateful brat.

[@melissahaslett]

He is constantly telling me I'm stupid and don't deserve a better job or to move out of my home town. It's his lack of intelligence that stops us getting ahead he is scared and can't take risk. Can't let me leave and better myself which I want to do I want to leave him behind if he is too narcissistic to let me live a successful life. Thanks this is helpful. I've given up on counsellors the last once made me feel like it's all my fault.

[@roxymovie3938]

Perhaps you could try and find a counselor who is specialized on Narcissistic abuse 🙏💛🙏

[@livestotravel7589]

You took the words right out of my mouth. Not every counselor is good.

[@marysuzannajayne1340]

I think they are emotionally constipated. They feel awful inside… so they just sit in their misery until someone else figures it out for them. They take zero responsibility

[@JabSugarAnderson]

Emotionally constipated is genius! 😂Their rage is the diarrhoea.

[@naiyalexic]

The funniest / worst is when they "apologize" by saying they're sorry for this, that, and the other thing, while always missing the actual thing that needs apologizing for. It's their way of skirting around an issue to avoid feeling "wrong." They absolutely cannot take any kind of feedback, no matter how much you try to make it NOT critical or nitpicky.

[@Realalma]

Omg! That’s exactly how I described my narc sister. It didn’t come out well 😂😂

[@t_nels]

Anyone who has been threatened or has had others threatened..PLEASE go to a shelter. They can obtain any documentation you need. Don't tell those who wouldn't help you where you are.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I agree. These low lives gaslight you into thinking that there is nowhere to go or no alternative. But, there so is 🙏

[@leanne123]

​@@amandaliverpool3374That is what I call them too. "Low lives". Actually slimey low lives. 🤷

[@aaronkwolfe]

Hey Teresa, finally got to watch the stream (with live chat), and was amazed at how you really heard Jenny and stepped up to make a difference. I also saw others join in, and that's exactly what Jenny needs. Even when she second-guessed her mentioning anything in chat. {applauding a hero}

[@t_nels]

@@aaronkwolfe I think she stopped talking once she second guessed herself, so I am worried. I don't want to see anyone hurt and we lost someone dear to us in the worst way. After that I started working in a shelter. I've seen, I've heard and I know when someone makes a threat like that the victim has to get out. Thank you.

[@Bree-qx8ow]

Thank you I appreciate your kind words.Peace from been there done that this year.

[@carolinec3951]

I believe the old saying goes like this . . . Don’t get into the mud with pigs. You get covered in mud and the pigs like it. LOL.

[@williamdillard8330]

Everything the Doctor said, everything describes my cousin. Needless to say we don't get along.

[@songriver1232]

My brother. I bow know I'm not crazy

[@aaronkwolfe]

If I thought I already knew what I’m supposed to learn in school, I’d be unteachable. That, to me, would appear dense.

[@roxymovie3938]

Your explanation made me laugh 😂 Although it is indeed a very good explanation, Aaron 👏

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@roxymovie3938 Thx, Roxy. I was thinking of adding the difference between unable to learn vs. unwilling.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Catching later, I guess. Med thingy scheduled while this premieres. I’ll miss chat. I’ll definitely miss chat.

[@t_nels]

@@aaronkwolfe We missed you

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@t_nels I got a good bit of sleep during the 4-1/2 hour procedure. I’m also realizing that I’ll miss the Saturday premiere (due to a mens’ ministry event I’m attending), but will definitely log into the stream as soon as I’m able.

[@johnnydiscover2838]

This is the best explanation ever, and there’s many dense narcs out there, they’re sprouting up like mushrooms everywhere 🍄, thank you for the awareness 👀Dr. Carter!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome.

[@sahdogwrangler5594]

Dr C you have described my spouse perfectly! When he has formed an opinion, there is no changing it. He has an insatiable need to be right at all times but then as an out, has exclaimed more than once, I'm just a dumb truck driver, what do I know? Many years ago before I knew what I was dealing with, I'd try to gently explain that your career doesn't dictate intelligence & he possesses a kind of common sense intelligence rather than book smarts. Just what he was looking for, an ego boost! I fell right into the trap! Could you please do a video on the way he only has 2 emotional expressions, woe & anger & can move quickly between the 2?

[@beaglerescue5281]

Thanks for the laugh.

[@Hatbox948]

I like that "woe and anger". That's my ex narc. That's all there is to him.

[@pennylynch913]

Hey Doc i've got another word to go with dense and that is dangerous! AVOID THEM AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

The 2 D's.

[@pennylynch913]

@@SurvivingNarcissism yes Doc!

[@alimarie67]

You hit it right on the nose, when you said they have “no coping skills “. I used to wonder all the time why my narcissistic ex-husband couldn’t handle the slightest bit of stress. He would go berserk.

[@theresafowler9000]

Thanks, Dr C. This video got to the heart of the narcissistic behavioral density and their lack of true heart.

[@laurielaurie8280]

You have so much knowledge of these people. You are so spot on :)) Is Gus ever awake? 😂

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Gus is an excellent sleeper, but he has his feisty moments too! He is after all a terrier.

[@laurielaurie8280]

I love Terriers :)) Have a great day Dr. Carter :))

[@ghays9742]

The Paradox is usually the Narcissist is so dense they portray themselves (well crafted false image) as enlightened, while simultaneously acting cruel, constantly angry and uncaring toward others. Woody Allen Script : ) Thanks Doc

[@michelepascoe6068]

Dr Carter, your videos are the best! You are a great teacher, and a blessing in my life. Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome, Michele.

[@lisaroy551]

#7...."partial knowledge is enough" amazing truth. I learned to just stop arguing.

[@jeffwilliams9086]

Some of tre greatest threats we face are those we are ignorant of. With every different nuance you educate us on I become more amazed how spot-on you describe the last 30 years of my life! Had I only known long ago that I wasn’t the problem, I could have made so much more progress in life. I learn more with every video and thank you so much for it! You truly are doing the Lord’s work, blessing so many of us in such a huge way, God bless you!

[@TheMazinoz]

I'm watching to learn to spot them early on, realise what is happening and avoid as soon as possible.

[@bettyhouk8727]

I agree “ARROGANCE “ ! A narcissistic egotistical personality “think” they know all there is to know about “Anything and Everything “ A narcissistic egotistical personality is dense also

[@GinaG7777]

I've known narcs that played the dense roll, but I've also known narcs who have played the know-it-all roll

[@fred.k9875]

I’m lost for words commenting on these people you said all Doc thank you 🙏.

[@Leslie-es5ij]

They just can't fathom that anyone can be as good, smarter, or better than they are. It makes them stupidity vulnerable.

[@Bianca-sw5id]

I just realised why I enjoy Doctor Carter's videos 🥰 , it's Doctor Carter's 🥰 accent and that I know Doctor Carter 🥰 is speaking from experience , and as important 😁 is Gus 🥰 is in the best care because he wouldn't be so relaxed if he wasn't content to lay in background on couch 🛋️ Sending L ♥️🌹 E ALWAYS ♾️🥰

[@caroleminke6116]

Yup

[@Bianca-sw5id]

@@caroleminke6116 ♥️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for your feedback!

[@texaspatty458]

The narcs I've been exposed to have been highly skilled & intelligent people but goodness they can appear so pitiable and even ignorant . It's just more of a narcs confusing existence . I didn't use the word Life for a reason . 😢

[@t_nels]

Just like con artists, so cunning and can make such dumb moves.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Skilled and intelligent doesn't always = common sense 🙄

[@texaspatty458]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Isn't that a fact !! 👍

[@rhinocus]

It really gets fun when the Narcissists you caretake get old -age senility, slide into dementia, and have never been a fellow reality experiencer.

[@roomg03]

Thank goodness for Dr. Les Carter, a vital resource for families everywhere. Hoping his wisdom is contagious. Appreciate his dog sleeping peacefully on the couch in the background.

[@michelleharkness7549]

Sending Good Vibes 😎 to Gus !!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Woof!

[@7SUBLIMINALGOLD]

Smart people would never think they are GOD. or That they are the best narcissist.

[@SanctuaryGoodLife]

Well said

[@roxymovie3938]

Once I told the sociopath, "You are not God!!!" 😂 His reaction was silence but his eyes went like this 🙄

[@roxymovie3938]

When I first met the sociopath, he told me, "I am different!" Well, I thought by myself, "This sounds interesting and I want to figure out what this difference is about." The result was that I got more and more confused, which motivated me even more to find out why his behaviour was so different, beyond any understanding and which was driving me so mad. I remember once he told me, "I can't stop. I am living in chaos and I love it." In the aftermath, now knowing about the cycle of abuse, gaslighting etc., I can see his black & white thinking more cleary for what it is: a distorted perception of reality, an absolutely duality, splitting, in which any kind of growth is not possible because it is doomed to stagnation. Where nuances are not being able to be recognized, is no way for development and transformation possible. Dr Carter, I am looking forward what you will have to say about this dense. By the way, your facial expression on this cover really reminds me of the sociopath, but I take it with humor for it looks quite funny.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

He was different alright. But, not in a good way ❣️

[@melisherwood5300]

The narc I know made almost the exact same comment re the chaos. He bragged about it..then later said he was ADHD so all the things he did were not really his fault. He bragged about having so many activities on the go, having a disgusting messy house. He has farm animals that are sadly neglected but all his madness he wears like a badge of honour. Also brags about the "persona" he has going and not wishing me to get in the way or tarnish his fake image.

[@beaglerescue5281]

I made the mistake of stepping in and helping out my covert narcissist daughter (I didn’t know at the time) with my granddaughter. Both parents live in chaos. They did not vacuum the floors for the first 8 months in their home because they didn’t own a vacuum cleaner. I asked them to buy a vacuum cleaner twice. Then I bought one and gave it as a birthday gift. How am I suppose to be on the floor with the baby if they never clean the floors. I never knew filthiness is a part of this mental illness. Now they pay to have the housecleaned.

[@ElizzzaB]

@melisherwood5300 it's laziness. They usually get others to do all the work.

[@roxymovie3938]

@@amandaliverpool3374 yeah, but I could not see it yet for I was deeply trauma bonded and everything went on so fast. 😉

[@ekklectriccurrent2094]

Thank you. Dr. Carter. ❤ I grew up in an emotionally abusive and extremely narcissistic environment. Anger issues developed early in me. Just finished your book, "The Anger Trap". Thank you, Dr. Carter! Life-altering! 👍👍 ❤

[@grammamellow1219]

They never face consequences...pretty simple really..but thanks for the effort.. enjoy your family..they came foe mine..they got them No one was here to stand beside me...carry on..

[@CTHou13]

I hate that arrogant smirk! When it starts, I walk away because there’s no point in continuing it’s just gonna devolve from there

[@candleabra1837]

Unfortunately, both my late spouse and my teenager scored a 10/10 on this test. I try everything to help, teen refuses all help then says I don’t care. That’s the tip of the iceberg. I’d love to hear Dr. C discuss what to do/ how to communicate when the narc is your own child. It’s a devastating, shocking, shameful,and hard to believe situation.

[@tubab72]

My 2 cents is that it is like raising a tiger cub. Cute when young but a dangerous predator when grown up. Sure they do love you, at least in some kind of way... But they will just as easily kill and eat you when they feel like it. Why ? Because it is in their nature ! They just can not help it. So protect your own safety at all cost. Do not be fooled by the memory of the cuddly cub they once were. Start by keeping a "written record" of your communication. Use texts and emails for every important agreement you ever make. Keep the record for eternity. You will be amazed by the ability of your own child to swear crying they "never said that" while you have black on white evidence they 100% did. It will save your sanity. (yes, been there, done it, learned the hard way)

[@candleabra1837]

@tubab72 thank you for sharing your wisdom. This is a very lonely place to be.

[@naiyalexic]

My grandmother dealt with a narcissistically abusive son for years. My sis and I had to remove her from his care. Good thing we did. He stole from her. He'd fly into toddler-like rages if he wasn't being allowed to control everything. He wanted to live in her house for the rest of his life, but he was destroying it little by little. We literally had to evict him, get him an apartment, and get his a trustee so he wouldn't blow his SSD. Eventually things worked out, but it was rough. He was a horrible bully. He'd badger her for hours until she'd cave in to make it stop. So yeah. We removed her.... good thing too.

[@justasongbeforeigo3206]

I wouldn't worry so much about your teenager. I would also be hesitant to hang the narcissist label, or any other personality disorder, on them just yet. After all, it has been said that the very state of being a teenager is, in itself, a personality disorder.

[@candleabra1837]

@@justasongbeforeigo3206 thanks for you insights!

[@beaglerescue5281]

Love your introduction.

[@BandiBarnGirl]

Wow! Thank you so much! This is super helpful!! You nailed both my parents to a T…I’m finally away from them and SUPER HAPPY!!! Yay me!!!

[@Bree-qx8ow]

I am happy to hear about this progress!

[@Flickit100]

I love Dr Cs statement: for them to be dominant, that's where you come in. Funny but sadly true.

[@ecohumanism]

Thought people were dense, but they turned out to be painfully stubborn with no desire to find the solution. Some things are hard to tolerate

[@cazjay017]

I agree. They can be stubborn.

[@ecohumanism]

@@cazjay017 Yes, and just to narrow the description, I would say that some people are unreasonably stubborn, willing to act or behave on their whim even when it endangers close ones or even themselves - it takes some patience to stop them. It pains me

[@ZLLi661]

Yep. I gave one narc too much credit only because she’s been a nurse the past 30yrs, stopped her psychotic violence and abuse towards me after she got married and to appease our mother. As soon as her mouth opened after our mother died I discovered how irrational, perverse and cruel she has become, that it has been festering the past 30yrs. How far from reality she lives. Even when I explained in layman’s terms a situation- her retorts are more irrational. Over the last 30yrs I’ve heard others joke she just doesn’t ‘get it’ and wondered. Then went she started back her abuse spree towards me the 💩 coming from her mouth was something I would and could never think off to say- even to my worst enemy- let allow such irrational untrue venom to come from my mouth. She said it so easily without a second thought. The fact she is once again so unhinged, so full of malice I realize she is once again unsafe to be around. Going no contact is the only option. I don’t want some perverse psychopath like that communicating with any of my own family.

[@TheMazinoz]

"Not a test you want them to ace". LOL! But seriously you've nailed them 100%.

[@slamdunktiger]

Gosh.this is a great breakdown. I realized...from my narc ex...it was a constant WAR of dominance and control, especially in the devalue and pre-discard phases. I called it...a constant game of emotional chicken. She always took it to the brink every time. No matter the issue. If she didn't get what she wanted, she would stonewall me and be a flaming asshole. One argument, this escalated and I could not calm her down for once. She started attacking me. She grabbed her large clump of keys and used it as a flail - everything that wasn't metal on that thing broke on my flesh. I fled with my puppy out of my apartment. My poor dog was terrified and was hiding under the bed. It took me a while to find him unfortunately. I took a lot of damage but who doesn't love their dog? No guilt. No remorse. She played it like she was the angry victim. Unbelievable. I'm 6'2" and 200 pounds. I train jiu jitsu, lift and have a lifetime of football/basketball/tennis behind me. She was 5'2" and 110 pounds. I just blocked constantly and scrambled to get my puppy, phone and keys. I still can't believe it.

[@denicehaley9902]

slamdunktiger, I’m so sorry you and your precious puppy endured verbal, mental, and physical abuse! It just goes to show like Dr. C has said, narcissism is gender neutral. Have you thought of a safety exit plan? Have your finances separate? Consulted a lawyer on this? I pray for your and your puppy’s peace and safety. 🙏🙏

[@slamdunktiger]

@@denicehaley9902 thanks friend, ya, it’s all over. Separated completely. The financial abuse afterwards was horrific because I co-signed her apartment and car. She eventually paid me back but very slowly. She bummed off my car insurance for a year and I finally removed her in August. She still lagged on getting her own. I can’t care anymore, it’s her own fault. I’m shocked at still how poorly she treated me when she needed me for all these financial things. It makes it easier to stand firm but it breaks my heart all over again. I loved that woman and would’ve defended her till the cows come home. I would never have anticipated her assault on me, never ever would’ve said it was even possible. It’s unbelievable still. I basically saved her life in more ways than one. But yea, it’s all over and done. I blocked her on everything in August. We’ve been separated about 14 months physically. But the mourning period is official now and the grief comes in waves. It’s okay. Good news about my dog at least, he’s 1.5 years old and sired a very beautiful litter of F1B doodles that I’m so proud of. I’m babysitting one of the puppies (8 weeks old yesterday) and doing some training before he takes delivery this weekend. I still miss her and have this reconciliation fantasy in my head..but look..you can’t assault me and then play victim. That’s just..beyond beyond. And if I wanted to, I could break her in half. Why would you violate someone you need? I can’t believe I am a domestic violence victim. I’ve been binging Johnny Depp’s trial and some parts I can’t even watch during Depp’s testimony. Or some of the video and audio…that rage and CONTEMPT is felt so viscerally. Regarding lawyers, it’s complicated because she’s technically an illegal at this point for overstaying her Korean visa. She would be deported. It would destroy her life here. I’m afraid I’m not that vindictive. Call it love residue or some misplaced compassion. I think losing me is punishment enough. Like I said, I loved that woman. I remember who she use to be or was..acting as..still…I don’t know. I would like to believe all lives have the possibility of redemption. Just because I no longer want her at my dinner table doesn’t mean I don’t want her to eat. Empirically, she’s demonstrated zero redemption and probably insulting your financial benefactor and treating him like dog shit is not positive either. But I’m sure in her rare quiet moments when she reflects for a second or glances at old photos, she knows she fcuked up. Thanks again friend, hope you are well too.

[@denicehaley9902]

@@slamdunktiger , unfortunately I’m not well! I’m dealing with Long Covid since February 2022, and I lost my career which I absolutely loved October 2022. Last week, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, I might have Leukemia, I now have neuropathy, fast growing cataract, all kinds of GI dysbiosis, insomnia, horrible dreams, etc. I’ve been “married” going on 36 years this November. My adult son has bipolar I with extreme anger (from being emotionally abused as a child), and all 3 of my adult daughters have alienated me despite being a homeschool mom for 21+ years! I definitely understand your grief! Mine is deep and long, too! I’m glad your puppy has sired (birthed) purebred babies. I’m, also, glad you’re out and safe. I understand your concern for your ex-sounds like you’re an empath like me. I’m mostly glad we’re on Team Healthy and healing through Dr. C’s gentle teachings. Take care my friend! 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@slamdunktiger]

@@denicehaley9902 Hi Denice, wow, those are a lot of challenges. I will pray for a swift recovery for your health challenges! Have you looked into fasting and CBD to help? It’s really helped me a variety of ways. I gained some weight from my narc aftermath but other than that and some anxiety around procrastination, I’m okay. With your kids, I get it. I’m in my mid 30s and have been a DJ for almost two decades, I’ve seen a lot of society at all levels. It’s just frustrating to see young women get devoured by pop culture and hedonism. Satan is dominating this decade in a big way. Yea, I’m not sure how I’m going to find a virtuous woman who wants to homeschool kids together and not sell out to the corporate machine or worse. I just need to survive for now. Lost my job last week, I just couldn’t work and focus with the narc aftershocks. It’s okay. Painstakingly bouncing back. Sorry to hear about your son. Emotional abuse for young boys is crippling and it takes a lot to heal and thrive despite that.

[@LeAnneLightLifeLove]

I appreciate your videos so much. My son has cut us out of his life, married to a narcissist for coming up 11 yrs now. I am having a hard time holding onto hope to have a relationship with him and our only 2 grandkids. We did 4 sessions of family counselling with them to which they said they are unwilling to continue and don't want us in their lives. ( we arranged and paid for all the sessions) I haven't replied to his last email where he says all this and am not sure what to say anymore. I have opened the door so many times to listen, to be available; never blaming or shaming. I feel like my best response is no response and let it all go and be as it is. Thanks for any input.

[@beaglerescue5281]

That’s where I am. I’m letting go. We’re toxic together. It’s best for me by far.

[@Hatbox948]

I'm in the same boat with my daughter. There were reconciliations, but inevitably I'd upset her and she'd cut me off again. "I don't want you in my life" is the hardest thing to hear. Our estrangement came about over differences in opinion about COVID. So now I've just let go. I really don't know what else you can do.

[@beaglerescue5281]

@@Hatbox948 I’ve learned one cannot be free with opinions or advice or constructive criticism even when asked with a narcissist. They hate the truth if isn’t agreeable with their thinking. They believe you are being hateful. They’re not wired the same; such delicate, fragile egos and oh, so revengeful. BUT it’s the opposite for them to dish out whatever they want, whenever they want. Total hypocrites.

[@Hatbox948]

@@beaglerescue5281 So true!

[@LeAnneLightLifeLove]

@@beaglerescue5281 Thank you for sharing, it helps to know I am not alone.

[@christinaburkemper3105]

I think a point to make about vulnerable narcissists is that they don't say "How could you have anything to say about me because I'm perfect?" It's much more of "What are you saying about me? There's nothing wrong with me! Why would you say that?!"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are accurate.

[@jengable4888]

Thank you for posting this very informative video ! Interacting with the malignant narcissist/ASPD/DT has been brutal and exhaustive !

[@MajorieRoyal]

Being honest it makes me sad.. I know my ex isn't a narcissist but many of his reactions, perceptions and etc fits this completely. I really do wish I could be with him as we have so much that works well but when it comes to emotions and perceptions of life we just really don't work and it ends up like what you described. It's like breaking my heart in two to have to walk away. some parts of me do not wanna accept that it has to be this way. But too many judgments and word, and lack of emotional understand and compassion have gotten the better of me.. and I am unable to believe anymore this can ever work out. I try to stay strong and logical, but some days are harder. Thanks for your work, I watch you very often and you really have calming energy and tone and so it helps me just as much as your words.

[@raymeester7883]

"Why are you so obtuse?"