Narcissistic relationships are more PREDICTABLE than YOU think

[@youngblood8540]

🗣"They do not care, I really mean it, they do not care!"

[@JadeyHad]

It's very hard to wrap your mind around this.

[@michele0324]

Exactly! They could not care less.

[@karengodan5205]

@@JadeyHad Mental condition and their brain is smaller in the love compartment.

[@YIASEMIDE]

​@@JadeyHadThis. After imagining it so many times.

[@Lilalalalalallllla]

In my experience, they do care at times, it's just super inconsistent/unpredictable.

[@sabrinapayal]

A video a day keeps the gaslighting at bay

[@kkryz]

💕 so true

[@lalathebarbieee]

Love this 😁

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Genius. Thank you 😊 🙏

[@judysimmons-sk6nh]

This has been so true for me!!

[@Jesuiscache]

Amen

[@cymbolichuman433]

You don't have a life as long as you're worried about what they're going to do or say. Stop worrying because anything you do is wrong in their eyes. You do you.

[@csfiskus610]

Didn't matter which mood they were in, good or bad. Narcissists still carried the same negative energy around them

[@fabianafran927]

When we live with narcissists, we develop hyper tolerance to abuse but this is something that we need to change in order to be emotionally healthy, because tolerating abuse and not having a voice may lead to depression and so many diseases.

[@caroleminke6116]

Lifelong depression

[@user7-o9w]

When the narcissist is having a bad day, they talk like it’s the end of the world, but really it’s nothing more than them not getting enough likes on their social media.

[@ollieq3150]

Yes, and that "end of the world" seems to arrive at least every other Tuesday, lol!

[@karengodan5205]

@@ollieq3150That’s funny but so true.

[@dangelodiane]

Mine took to her bed when Musk took over Twitter.

[@kimberlyvergez4391]

When the narcissist is having a bad day, you make sure you don't say anything that could be interpreted as critical. You also accept that their problem will always trump yours.

[@alvinaliathos6137]

Ans Followers

[@michele0324]

Both my sibling and I get involuntary muscle jerks when we hear keys in a front door because as kids, 40 years ago, we never knew what we were in for when our mom got home.

[@toddflaherty7120]

I put on 25lbs of weight over 6 months with no change of diet and excercise. After I left her (covert narcissistic) I learned about Cortisol and the effect it has on the body. Three months away from her the weight is off and I'm living my best life.

[@giri.goyo_yt]

Carry on and sally forth!

[@caroleminke6116]

I’m there now

[@tarajo4836]

Yep

[@karengodan5205]

Your body is your best friend.It feels good when you are healthy and happy.It screams Run when your GI tract is hurt and suffering.Pay attention to it or you may lose the fight in this life to live.

[@davidm4566]

True. I look at pictures of myself from when she was with me and I look so puffy and fake, sort of like Fat Monica in Friends. I went from almost 200 lbs to about 157 lbs in a handful of months. Thank you for reminding me that we put on weight when we are stressed like that.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Spot on dr Ramani. Narcisists just don’t care, their egotism blinds them and their lack of empathy is heartbreaking. The predictable unpredictability of their behaviour is draining and debilitating and frustrating to say the least, they are truly running the people close to them into the ground. We have to distance ourselves from them.

[@karengodan5205]

Choose life and leave.

[@Plumduff3303]

My narcissistic mother creates grief then says poor her but loves the drama ..i walked away it took me years to realise how awful she is..and this education is fantastic thanks so much doctor.

[@sushmayen]

It's more dangerous if they hide their true self and put on a false show of love and kindness.

[@yukio_saito]

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time" -- Maya Angelou

[@t_nels]

And for many years, it makes you question a lot.

[@rachelm1816]

Yep. Then you get the flying monkeys as well...I've been told my Dad is 'a great Dad' 😵‍💫

[@DawnSelby-k5w]

​@@rachelm1816I say to that, who would know better than his child what kind of dad he is?

[@davidm4566]

@@yukio_saitomy ex told me she was unloveable. Other times she said she was difficult to love. I wish I would have seen it for the massive red flags they were rather than think she was just a kind girl who was taught to look down on herself. No, she was honestly telling me who she was.

[@ViannaAmbrosi]

I see this "psychological nomadness" in how I lived on my own for years after moving out of the narcissistic parents' house. I never really decorated or made it feel like a home because I looked at every living situation as temporary, even when I stayed in the same place for literally a decade. Last year I finally started making it feel like home, with thrifted but cute furniture, cleared out things I didn't need, got a Christmas tree for the first time at the holidays, got the pet I had been longing for for so long.

[@doriswhyte1931]

I understand that feeling. I’m happy to hear that you finally got the little things that you wanted for so long. A Christmas tree and a pet sound like perfection to me. I moved out and left husband of 45 years a couple of months ago, first thing I thought about bringing was the Christmas tree and decorations. I’ve also been watercolour painting and although I’m not very good at it, I’m loving it. When I’m painting I’m not thinking and it’s such a relief. Best wishes, Dee

[@ViannaAmbrosi]

@@doriswhyte1931 That must have taken tremendous strength to leave that relationship. I agree that the arts and finding/making beauty are really helpful. Wishing continued courage and peace for you!

[@Marlov24]

❤️❤️❤️ bless you, beautiful human

[@karengodan5205]

@@doriswhyte1931Being a beautiful person is the best medicine after leaving an empty relationship. They couldn’t stop Christmas!

[@OneAdam12Adam]

"The predictability is it will never run normal" Exactly! It will always be unpredictable. Who wants to live in type of hypervigilance?

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

Little children who grow up in this toxic, hyper vigilante environment typically sadly will seek out the same dynamic, subconsciously all through out their adult life. They recreate the same toxic friends and toxic jobs and toxic spouses that all mimic that sick hypervigilant dynamic they grew up in. It’s a very hard cycle to break, but absolutely can be done.

[@tdesq.2463]

​. You know you've come a long way when you're asked: "Ginger or Mary Ann" ... and you actually wonder why they failed to mention Mrs. Howell (aka: "Luvvy")

[@clairelane3642]

@@thirstonhowellthebird The story of my life. Lots of sadness and regrets at age 75.

[@cryptelligence]

I've gone fully no contact and I'm STILL exhausted.

[@mollykayramstack6193]

Awe man, I am right there with you!! It's been about 5 or 6 weeks now and I still feel exhausted!! Hopefully we balance back out soon!

[@karengodan5205]

You do come back to being yourself before the abuse, only more discriminating.Higher standards,quicker to dump the garbage people, and loving the new you like never before!❤

[@mollykayramstack6193]

@@karengodan5205 I feelike garbage half the time so this is great to know! Thank you!! 💖🙏🏼💖

[@karengodan5205]

@@mollykayramstack6193 Just journal wisdom.I just wrote in my journal”All relationships are voluntary,and you don’t have to deal with any other person you don’t want to,regardless of who they are.Any adult has the right to do whatever they want,so do other people involved.This includes ending the relationship if they don’t like what’s going on.Narcissists

[@karengodan5205]

Narcissists don’t have a choice if you are fed up and they have no power to change the decision.It’s over if you don’t relent. It’s painful, but we are adults,we’re not children.We can tolerate discomfort,we can tolerate disappointment and not getting what we want.We won’t have

[@Mermare]

Your skills as a public speaker are overlooked. You're always prepared and a great speaker. Thank you for your effort and time you spend to help internet strangers.

[@TorgerVedeler]

Exactly. Then there’s the issue of: When you make a mistake (and we all do sooner or later), you’re going to provoke a disproportionate rage response demanding absolute submission, no matter how small the mistake was. When you don’t make a mistake, you get a disproportionate rage response demanding absolute submission. You can’t win.

[@Slk449]

Yup! Double bind 😮

[@01splitpea]

I agree wholeheartedly, Dr. Ramini. It is exhausting. Like so many others, I've lived with narcissist after narcissist most of my life. Thank you for your service to us all. You've helped many. I am eternally grateful. ♥️

[@Cthomas5678]

Me too and why is it we keep choosing them? My ex of 18 years was an ass not really a narcissist and the current one of 24 years is a covert I think but it’s exhausting!!

[@youngblood8540]

If she didn't pick a fight in the car on our way somewhere, she was picking a fight going back home was guaranteed.

[@PoyTroy]

Bruh. Have we lived the same life ? I would always think to myself , it’s always something with this woman

[@xoticephedrine]

You're describing my kid's father.

[@PoyTroy]

@@xoticephedrine how do you live ? Cause I’m co parenting with my ex. And some days are harder then others lol

[@justviewing911]

You describe exactly my ex

[@MADGameYEA]

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video and all the other you have made...

[@beverlyadams7205]

Unpredictable. Every single holiday, every single birthday, every single shopping trip, every single afternoon sitting in front of the television, every single dinner with my daughter.

[@Alison-o9d]

They don’t really like these holidays and events. They are jealous of the families that they think are doing it more perfectly.

[@PoyTroy]

I dealt with this. I had to exit. I remember disagreeing about something on TV and she lost it. Ain’t speak to me for two days straight. Crazy we’ve all experienced the same thing in these relationships

[@tpastika]

This video nailed it

[@denisedevoto5703]

Same. I went no contact with my daughter on Thanksgiving of 2017. I couldn't take the abuse any more.

[@beverlyadams7205]

@@denisedevoto5703 I wish there were support groups in my area for senior citizens Who’ve had to walk away from their families because they were abused.

[@eringobragh7]

Thank you Dr Ramani. This explains my whole life, over the last 30 years before I knew what narcissism was. Disengaging, distancing, cutting off, going no contact, changing jobs, moving address, moving countries, changing my name. I enjoy being alone, maybe just going out for a coffee, lunch or dinner on occasion with the few friends I have. I have a son (21) and daughter (16) and as much as I enjoy their company and love them, I’m so frigging tired. Love my own company, books, music a bit of tv, my cat and would love to get a dog. Work is good and I have a great therapist. My body and mind are slowly calming down from being so wound up over the years with anxiety that I’m not prepared to trade my peace for anyone 🙏🏼

[@Cthomas5678]

Good for you❤

[@PoyTroy]

Man. I’ve only had to deal with is 6 years and it has caused me soo much anxiety and stress. I never had those things growing up , but after dealing with my ex, whom I have a small child with, it’s a recurring thing. My heart beats funny now, I get anxiety attacks out of nowhere while I’m driving. It’s a whole mess. I’m grateful me and her live in separate houses now , and my child goes back and forth. But got damn. She did a number on me. Praying for you over there man !

[@jillm42]

I would check the score from soccer games before going home. I made the mistake once asking what happened when I forgot to check the score. I also didn't realize other people didn't hear emotion in footsteps. That was a wild discovery.

[@codychickadee5095]

Your videos have encouraged me to seek counselling. Thank you. There are many layers to this onion, and I know from the comments under your videos that I am not alone. I've never seen comment sections like these before, there are practically no unhealthy contrarians. That isn't to say there isn't push back, but what an amazingly uplifting yet tragic set of anecdotes. Heartbreaking to see how many of us are damaged, but so inspiring to see I'm not alone and so many of you are going through nearly the same thing as I despite our great differences. Take care everyone.

[@mybeautylife3]

Every single word rang true! The anxiety every single day and having to be alert at all times is excruciatingly exhausting!

[@caroleminke6116]

CPTSD

[@PoyTroy]

@@mybeautylife3 tell me about it. I still jump when my phone goes off , not knowing if my ex is about to text me with some BS.

[@PoyTroy]

@@mybeautylife3 how are you now?

[@NovaPrincess]

I've been listening to you for years, and you still have info that makes my jaw drop like you know my story word for word. 3:39 When you said 'psychological nomad'!!!!! I feel seen and heard. I prefer being alone and do not let anyone get close to me, always got my pack sack and at least a dozen escape routes mapped. I'm the proverbial rogue, even always play rogues in RPGs 😅. Thank you Dr. Ramani. ❤ Blessings and love to you always.

[@kallasusort2986]

I hope you can all take a deep breath - it is your life force.

[@carparthero]

the biggest common denominator in all narcissists is their intentional misrepresentation of who and what they are about. if they were honest and transparent from the get-go, there would be nothing to like about them. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@caroleminke6116]

Just loose cannons

[@CookieMonster-hm8hx]

YES Dr. Ramani - IT TOTALLY RESONATES. Why bother talking/communicating with someone who just makes you feel uneasy for NO GOOD REASON - including wanting to disrupt me as I just mind my own business/be myself, and them being a difficult person?!? How is it that you know my life sooooo well Dr. Ramani? 3:30 "Just gird and prepare ourselves" - I have ZERO interest in doing that anymore. The more I move on the stronger my revulsion feels and the less tolerant I am becoming of even the slightest engagement. I am listening more and more to how my body reacts, and I am allowing myself to acknowledge how it reacts INSTANTLY (whereas before I would've tried to ignore it and 'make sense' of it).

[@giri.goyo_yt]

Excellent. I'm encouraged by your words.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I'm tired of being tired. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally 😪 This video is more one of the most helpful I have listened to. Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤

[@Deepintent]

I use to call this predictable chaos. Now I see it as unpredictable repetition.

[@Dana-gj5hr]

It’s a game changer when it finally sinks in that there is a difference between 1. having empathy and being unkind by choosing not to care or offer the empathy VS. 2. not having the capacity to emphasize. The empathy tool is literally missing from the N’s toolbox. The false hope that they’ll find the tool and start using it traps you. Time for radical acceptance 😊

[@anneyoung2310]

Yet, we shall never understand their playbook, we can only memorize it. We simply don't think like they think...at all.

[@karengodan5205]

Thank God.

[@anneyoung2310]

@@karengodan5205 Word!

[@matteblak6158]

That’s my WHOLE life…it’s reminding myself to just be quiet and let the explosion blow over and then I’ll have a little quiet for a few minutes. But it’s also like the spy with the safety deposit box full of bug-out stuff. You hope you never need to go there, but you know you can if it all crumbles.

[@anitah3258]

It resonates to a T for me. It's scary how you talk about my life. I sometimes could see crappy day(s) is coming and warn my husband to be aware around my mother and stay away from her as much as he could (when she was living with us). I always wondered why everyone was doing so much more than me and I was the one who was exhausted.

[@victorpoya]

Unpredictable, each minute or second comes with it's own dramatic event. They pretend to care especially if they want something but deep down they don't care.

[@elle-jm278]

Omg spot on... they don't care. When I got in a car accident, I got hit from behind, and I had vehicles in front of me at a stop light. Knocked the wind out of me. He didn't care about me ! He said, "Why didn't I get out of the way? And OH sooo many more uncaring situations to which he wasn't joking. It was exhausting ! I never knew to speak or not because he twisted everything I said. And like you said, when I stopped talking just to have peace he still got mad. 😢

[@GenevieveFortin-i4z]

you understand me, Dr.Ramani. 2 years in this divorce and child custody battle, facing a narc and his narc parents. You're spot on! Thank you

[@Lacehairwigs]

They are chaotic.

[@genevalawrence801]

The predictable unpredictability does indeed take a toll on us, and the negative consequences to our psyches and to our health far outlast the narcissistic relationship even if we leave. This I’d important to recognize. Understanding narcissism isn’t enough. Even leaving isn’t enough. Healing is required.

[@NirupaRishi]

It’s so true Dr. Ramani . I felt very exhausted and disoriented when I was with the narcissist. I still can’t imagine that this kind of people exist.

[@buscats]

It's almost funny; 5 minutes before I saw this video, I was asking myself why I was so tired. This explains a lot! I left my marriage to a narcissist 20 years ago. It was just like you described, and I still have leftover hypervigilance. But now, l'm dealing with an elderly mother who is a vulnerable narcissist and it seems that any time I have plans that are important to me, she has an urgent need for my help, or ends up in the ER, or needs me to spend the night because of her anxiety over different health concerns. It really is exhausting.

[@yukio_saito]

I precisely predicted what would happen to a malignant coworker and the dysfunctional workplace. As I anticipated, all team members except him left the company. 😁😆😅

[@mistera.3787]

Remember being glad that they were angry at someone else and not you? Just so you had a break from being the punch bag.

[@raanfo]

💯

[@MunkeyKung]

In these relationships it's indeed hard to plan. I'm autistic and I need an extra dose of mental preparation for pretty much anything involving other people. I'm also pretty bad at dealing with emotions such as disappointment. (Like when plans suddenly get changed/cancelled for example, especially if you have 0 input in the matter. Well you can have input, just that it leads to being berated and it being your fault for having wants or emotions and how dare you.) In a relationship with my narcissistic ex I went nearly insane at first... Eventually I just learned to prepare for EVERYTHING, every possible outcome, because it's always so unpredictable and you don't get a heads up that gives you enough time for anything. Maybe you get a heads up about half an hour before they want you over, and then they complain that you weren't there pretty much right away the moment they called you, even though maybe you're still eating while they call and you have to drive 30 min to get there to begin with. At the same time plans get cancelled all the time, if you ask/complain about it you get to hear you're clingy or unreasonable, even when they cancel literally 5 minutes before you arrive after driving for 25 minutes already. I can rant on about this for a while... Left out tons of things to keep it short, though it paints only a half picture... But yea, it's really rough if you want (or even NEED) to mentally prepare yourself for anything in a narcissistic relationship. It's their whims, when they feel them, how they want them, whenever they want them. They firmly believe you're just lucky you get to ride along, you either hop aboard or get left behind. (And then hear how it's your fault for being left behind)

[@KT-ny3lo]

Wow! You just described my childhood. My mother has a lot of those NPD traits. Thank God I left, grew up and got into therapy. 🙏🏾

[@pinkmeadows]

This became so routine that my mother became so inquisitive and suspicious that eavesdropping became normal for her. shes good at just assuming and pinning the wrong message on everyone in the household. many times I was so silent shed txt my phone asking me questions. I kept the silence up against them.

[@NYbashaw3]

Predictably my oldest would, every Christmas Eve, be: late arriving, get over-involved in the grandkids activity, try pushing eating & opening presents into a "let's get this over so I/we can go home", starting arguments & making it like they're innocent. We finally decided this yr to NOT INVITE that child, so that the rest of the family & us can have a drama & stress free holiday. Less is more when it comes to allowing the narcissistic person into your life.

[@karengodan5205]

@@NYbashaw3 exactly, They have to go,go.They want to open presents now,hand him his and say open it at you time,we are not doing it now.Bossy, insecure inadequate people.Done.

[@matthewwozniak9138]

Imagine coming home after working 12+ hours and getting yelled at and lectured for about 1-2 hours and not getting a word in. Instead of how was your night? Working all night and treated like shit by your employer to come home to that nonsense. Thank God she asked for a divorce.

[@JohannaVanDreumel]

OMG that was exactly my life. 12 hr shifts,plus 2 has commute, exhausted after such a shit shift, many times NO Breaks, and coming home to be treated like shit. I am now 5 years FREE, and love the peace. I wish you well on your New journey.

[@dcikaruga]

Imagining growing up like this, one wrong word, and bang. It's soul destroying, wears you down, and they don't care, it's just arrogance from them. You'll start to get depressed, low self esteem, become more introverted and silent, I've been there, and it's just wretched. Really shocks me that these people just carry on, don't understand or care, even think they're right all the time and their tantrums are justified and valid.

[@CatherinePayn]

Your dammed if you do and your dammed if you don't...

[@hurricaneaquatics]

This absolutely sums up a narcissist relationship.

[@CatherinePayn]

Blessings@@hurricaneaquatics I Hear You....

[@dreamscape405]

So THANKFUL for you, Dr. Ramani❤❤❤ Another thing I realized is....we all know that mind, body and soul are connected always. There's no separation at any time, since we literally carry it with us every day. So, why do I want to carry, my whole being, including the soul, which can be delicate, into ANY unnecessary interaction with these toxic people. It's poisonous to our soul, and everything else, we're polluting the fabric of our being by hanging out with these types, so get out as soon as you can❤❤❤🥂💃

[@patriciaolsavsky5493]

Well said!

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

Dad’s home and 7:36 both my brothers would disappear from the house. I probably followed suite but I don’t remember. Yep we are almost a mind reader definitely vibe readers. What’s predictable is the narc is going to start chaos of some sort. I hate being sucked into their black swirling portals - took me a long time to realize they really don’t care. I am trying to figure out my daughter. She’s not a full blown narc but? Her bff is one.

[@768Random]

Woah I literally just googled “ why are narcissist so predictable? “ yesterday. Their predictability sort of helps you combat their behavior. You know exactly when to disengage or let them go on with their rants because eventually they’ll run out of steam if you don’t react. Your reaction is their fuel and without it they move on 😂

[@768Random]

If they don’t move on they’ll keep baiting you but don’t take the bait y’all

[@lily_b361]

So well said. The exhaustion is real.

[@marilenaganea6578]

I grew up like this too... I could hear my father motorbike engine from 3-5 km depending on the direction of the wind. I just knew, i felt him... My younger sister thought i have supernatural powers

[@eniggma9353]

Have a great day Doc!

[@carolynjaynes9094]

Having them around just isn't worth it. I'm so glad I moved far, far away. Save yourself and let them go...

[@Apanthertrappedinadogsworld]

Run away from these monsters as fast as you can! 6 months with one changed me forever. Thank you for the knowledge and validation, Dr. Ramani.

[@BL-sd2qw]

They always go towards the discarding/devaluing phase regardless of how pleasant you were and how pleasant their love-bombing was. It will happen once they feel comfortable though with you. It will 100%

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. I can always tell when my Narc Mom is more destabilized because I get these long, incoherent text rants about unrelated subjects with no requirement of any kind of answer. Just needed an audience. We know them better than they know themselves; but it still always hurts.

[@tarajo4836]

Spot on! Uncertainty is the worst

[@gazoo7411]

YES. Dr. R, you really know what you are talking about...............Thank you.

[@thestevness]

Do the hard part of getting away from them or leaving the relationship. I was married 15 years, together 18, 4 kids..I was always afraid of what the divorce would be like. Keep track of the outbursts, the random crazy. Have receipts so if it gets ugly you have a record. But get out. I'm 2 years removed still healing but no longer suffering and just now starting to feel like my old self. You can do it. ❤

[@roslynrivet4801]

I always felt like I needed to be one step ahead of the narcissist but I always forget I can predict their almost every notion 😊😊

[@turnbacktime65]

Me, too. Thanks for the reminder.❤

[@BethDeVrieze]

My life! I love it when they turn it around..and it is me.

[@margaretgrace5902]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. R for perfectly describing my experience and the deep exhaustion that resulted.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This is 💯 some family members.. It’s awful how the enablers in the family don’t see it. It’s damaged my health and life so much. No idea how to deal with the holidays this year as they always cause some issue that stresses us out. I can’t win with them no matter what I do, but being prepared and focusing on my well being as yes I feel very tired. Learning that I matter too so taking myself back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@olyabrenner3590]

Wow as always word by word as I listen it’s a check check check soooooo exhausting

[@tarajo4836]

They pretend to care until friday comes, then they're MIA, until they start to wonder. Like clockwork, timing is eerily predictable.

[@davidm4566]

When I heard a car door out in the parking lot my heart would skip a beat and I would quickly go to the window and was relieved when it wasn't her coming home.

[@Lisa-hb3nn]

Needed this today. Was just sitting and ruminating to myself, am I being too harsh with limiting my engage whilst going through separation but then listening to your questions at the start and saying yes yes yes reminds me why. Thank you, I needed to hear this to remind myself that I was not in a happy and positive relationship or environment.

[@SuperSuperCriddler]

I think this is a really important video as it implicity makes the connection between narcissistic relationships and chronic fatigue (both of which I've experienced for much of my life) due to the fact that such relationships put one in a state of extended sympathetic nervous system activation which can engender all the symptoms associated with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/CFS (unremitting tiredness, muscle pain, brain fog, insomnia etc.) Thanks again for that, Dr Ramani.

[@susanbradleyskov9179]

Seasons, even with climate weirding, are so much easier to predict. But the basics of a narcissistic relationship? Yeah, the eventual outcomes are predictable.

[@garyonthego]

YES! Always so tired! I am. This explains it! BUT you are right I do always have my back pack on. Thank you again!

[@garyonthego]

Thank you for helping me so much with this. I am married to one, and it’s been VERY bad over 5 years. But your words and wisdom is helping me to damn much! I watch all your stuff. High five!

[@darlenesmith7487]

Nice delivery and content. Thank you again and again, Dr. Ramani for your service and work. ❤ ❤

[@shesays1111]

It's criminal what they do to us, but if they're covert, how do we get them to leave us alone? When it's a narcissistic person in your family who your family don't want to go no contact with, but you do, how do you stop them from forcing an ever-presence in your life? Forcing their way in, expecting you to "forgive and forget"?? I want zero contact 🚫 The way they talk to you through the family members you do have contact with. How as soon as you're in a vulnerable spot in your life, they fake concern for you to try to get in. If they have everyone else fooled/stuck/silenced. They don't leave you alone. I know I wouldn't be able to walk into a police station with this and be taken seriously. But I just need this person to leave me alone. I shouldn't have to cut off my whole family and start over somewhere else, with nobody. I also shouldn't have to end my own life to make this stop. They don't actively harass me, they basically send messages through others. It's so covert there's no concrete evidence. They seem to have so much control and are surrounded by enablers. Some of those enablers are my family. I want to maintain my relationship with my little sisters (they're my half sisters - but they're his kids). I know he'll always make that impossible. Is there ever anything I can do to get him to leave me alone or am I screwed until he dies, or I die?

[@karengodan5205]

@@shesays1111 It’s the game.Be tougher than them.Every time someone says something to you about him, don’t respond. Subject change.Do not dignify anything that you feel is not healthy. Everyone is an actor.They act kind because they are kind.They are petty because they don’t like themselves.Guard yourself and it will die when you don’t care.

[@Freethnkr]

Avoidants are very predictable too...one false move and they block & run away for months/years...only to return as though its only been a few days or weeks and expect you to tell them everything they missed that whole time ( wanting to catch up on each others lives) and just go back how things were ŵhen they left. Never giving an explanation or resson behind them leaving and you're supposed to just act like nothing ever happened.

[@robynmarler1951]

Dear Dr Ramani, please will you talk about something horrible that a narcissist did to me that I don't have a name for and is very hard to explain. He would sit silently, staring straight ahead, with a blank expression but somehow projecting anger and contempt. And if I asked what's wrong, he would explode and say that he can't even sit in a chair without me accusing him. I bet a lot of people have experienced this, I wish there was a word for it. Thankyou for everything you do💖🌱💖

[@andyanderson6522]

Projection, gaslighting

[@SajidulIslam-z9d]

Please read My narcissistic dad forces my mom to consume unnecessary medicines rather than go to a doctor. He also flatters her to overeat. He sometimes rebukes me if I don't give her the medicines he ordered. He is not even well educated. Thus, he is destroying my mom physically and psychologically day by day. I'm still young and we are financially dependent on him. I feel really bad for my mom. 😭 Like this one, there are thousands of ways of how he has been abusing us.

[@SajidulIslam-z9d]

​​@@AvaJulani I noted your advice. I will gradually take these steps to save my mom. I feel really bad when our relatives say to my mom, "You're so lucky you've got such a good husband." He portrays himself as a very nice and polite person in front of them. But behind closed doors, there is only manipulation, gaslighting, rage and humiliation. 💔

[@cbhepburn7678]

Would love a video on skills to equip & protect young adult grandchildren who are desiring their own relationships with narcissistic grandparents.

[@SarahT-cd4bl]

He wouldn't get upset often, we wouldn't fight, but I learned to not ask questions to avoid him getting upset or uncomfortable. He would say he was raised not to talk about things. And everything we did revolved around his schedule, using his teenage kids as an excuse.

[@dxn0001]

Always such wonderful words 😊. Thank you!!!

[@donnaathey6360]

Spot on

[@iamjani]

In a way, just deep to the bone self centeredness and selfishness. Yet they feel like the saddest, biggest victim in the consequences of their actions. That's the story they tell others--"I was so exhausted and I tried so hard. I was a saint." OMG.

[@betterDoneDo]

This is pure gold. Thank you

[@hectorignacio-nx1dm]

Bravo! Invaluable info for spiritual warriors!!! 🎉

[@remarkable937]

I got to the point that when talking with him I would start to get severe pain in my chest. One day I told him this and he said in a blasé, "well, we wouldn't want that now would we?"

[@stevenmorgan6164]

Extremely helpful video Thank you Dr Durvasula

[@Mama.bear.]

My narc gets so angry when I correctly interpret him being upset. I’m so hyper-vigilant I can just tell, as you explained. And it sends him into a rage if I dare ask, “Is everything okay?” He makes me prove to him with concrete evidence that he is upset, otherwise me just asking the question means I’m the jerk. 🙄

[@evemcfarland8159]

"You can't win for losing." If your mere existence is enough to provoke them, then you never had a chance. Thanks Dr. Ramini for making some sense out of this insanity.

[@Mel59841]

Amen doc!! I appreciate your videos!!

[@jodycasey6936]

Always helpful and then some Nice to see you Thank you

[@giri.goyo_yt]

The punctuation of a text message. Very acute observation and it rings true. Tonight I'm alone at a pub because she left with her daughter who had a minor tantrum because she didn't want to go to a meeting where she had to clean up. I knew the child would get her way because already the mom/ my partner plea bargained. I realized she didn't want her child to treat her the way she treats me. When she came out of the room from talking with her she happily shared that they were good now and I said it was because she got her way, and she had snowed her. She became livid and left with the child. I'm already living with one narc and now another person that is slowly being trained to be avoidant. Sigh. Don't have any idea what the mood will be when I return home.

[@mrssonjayoung7572]

I was exhausted all the time. It didn’t matter what it was it was my fault

[@Teamshmo]

Always being exhausted is interesting. I have a girl now who makes me feel exhausted. I have one been with one narcissistic woman before, but I think this new one is too. Her behaviour is super similar although she hasn't gone insane yet. The last one was lots of fun but the going crazy out of no where gets tiring. This current girl doesn't really do that, but she just talks forever. It's hard to get things done with all the talking. Not fights but almost mini fights where you're just tired even when she's not around

[@perrynka]

I relate to all of your videos! Everythings sits in its place perfectly just as you say it. I've been three years with a guy and he broke my nose, because I didn't want him anymore. Year after he is still thinking he will have me back. I'm gonna write a stories about this and release it online. I have hell of the content. Now I'm just with a new guy and blocked this freak and I'm not sure where this is going to go. It will get interesting I think because of course he will be lurking around now. I just hope it won't be much of a shit show and it will back fire to him. Because the shit is I accepted it and was kinda aware of it and finally got out and he knows I know his nature even tho he doesn't fully admit it. That interests him even more. I'm sure I'm gonna outsmart him if he tries something more.

[@perrynka]

Really I have experiences from all angles I think. Maybe I don't even want to know everything or to have things confirmed, rather not.

[@kikiypsilanti_theMindSurgeon]

I have been hoovered back recently and I dived deep down into the rabbit hole called Trauma Bond, seeing it clearly and experiencing its tremendous magnetic effect...all these being aware of them as I live them simultaneously. Now, I am eating my lunch alone and exploring how good it feels without his narc presence. I decided to set boundaries and distance myself to get the clarity which is needed in this foggy and confusing situation. I let my body respond to this new freedom and my breath is normal, my heart pumps calmer, the intrusive thoughts are gone and it all feels like a rebirth. My body knows more than my mind and I trust it. The more I enjoy now simple life things, the more my heart knows exactly how to take me out of this toxic vortex. Let's see what happens...

[@JuT-z2s]

I suffered, unknowingly, from narcissistic abuse since babyhood-I can trace it back by things my parent has revealed. Not understanding this was abnormal makes it really easy to adopt some of those same behaviors.

[@creativearena]

I agree that it is predictable but what throws you off when the same thing is done in different ways that comes so natural for them . That anxiety is crazy ! Dr . Ramani , will be great if you could do a video with tools to navigate post separation/divorce with triangulation especially with kids who repeat the abuse for them