Narcissists (Attempt) to Destroy Who They Cannot Control

Dealing with challenging personalities can make you feel completely hopeless. For some, they may become discouraged and back away from the problematic person completely.
In this video, I discuss the challenges of narcissistic personalities and the typical patterns of behavior they tend to exhibit. For many of us, we rarely consider that someone we care about, like, or respect is a narcissist. In today's society, the term has become a "catchall" term for anyone who displays a narcissistic tendency.
But narcissism means so much more than just self-centered and arrogant. It can mean dangerous, calculating, spiteful, hurtful, manipulative, domineering, and a host of other negative terms.
It is important that we understand just how to cope and possibly escape someone with the tendencies discussed in this week's video.
Article on triangulation: blogs.psychcentral.com/caregi....
If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed with life these days, check out my list of 38 ways to relax below.
For that list of 38 ways to relax, click here: blogs.psychcentral.com/caregi....
For my new book (Kindle/Paperback) on Understanding and Helping Suicidal Adolescents, click here: www.amazon.com/Understanding-....
Twitter: / therapisttee
Website: anchoredinknowledge.com
International blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers

[@jacquelinemanzano9328]

narcissists do not engage in conversation, they engage in interrogation. Anything you say and/or do will be used against you and you can depend on it..

[@DawnMillerWaya]

So much truth to this!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

@blue bossa84, very true!

[@juliechurch1799]

Got to go no contact only way . Still smear you though regardless . Just have truth shields up .

[@Homoclite]

As true as that often is, a lower level narcissist will even find a way to pervert the truth to try (and still) make you look bad to unsuspecting people who aren’t involved. I’ve seen and experienced this garbage with people in my disowned family.

[@janjolley9524]

This is so true! I have been the unwitting dupe for this for years from my d-in-law. I feel I have to justify my every opinion and feeling. She has told my son so many lies about his children from his first marriage and he is now totally alienated from them. It is only now that my oldest granddaughter is an adult that she has told me of the terrible things that have been said and done to her. I am working on my own relationship with her and my daughter and other granddaughters’ relationship so we can repair the years of lies and estrangement. I don’t know how we can get my son to understand that his wife (with whom he has three children) is a narcissist who does not care about him except as he relates to being hers alone. I fear how she will use her children against us if she finds out we have a relationship with our oldest granddaughter. She always talks badly about her even in front of my son. Any advice how to go forward would be appreciated. Do we keep it a secret that we see these older grandchildren?

[@skwilson34]

My Ex Narc husband uses the legal system to bully me by using our child to do so. Please be careful who you have children with.

[@Homoclite]

Sometimes no matter how careful you set out to be, these freaks can slide though with stealth movements and you may not dee it coming until you’re bleeding out.

[@Superlife1369]

@@Homoclite That’s why we gotta pray about who we marry….

[@jolly7728]

You got a lot of good stuff done in just a few minutes. One thing I noticed about how narcissists get so much control over their targets is when targets drop their guard due to the social "titles" other people have in their lives. People with certain "honorific titles" tend to get a pass; we implicitly trust them. And that's where a lot of the trouble begins. For instance, in a father-daughter relationship, the dad might drop his guard because the person he's dealing with is his daughter, whom he has done so much for throughout her life, as any good father would do. He would, as her dad, usually expect her to respect him for being a good father over many years. He couldn't imagine his daughter despising him, wanting to compete and destroy him -- maybe a co-worker but certainly not his own child. So, he was blinded by the expectations he has for what a daughter's behavior should look like. And the narcissistic female offspring takes full advantage of those naive fatherly expectations. So, don't be fooled by the inscription of your relationship with a person, whether it is family members, clergy, doctors, teachers, therapists, lawyers, bosses, what have you. The trusting expectations you have for others because of their socially designated relationship with you will open you up to being exploited, abused, and even destroyed by narcissistic people. Keep your guard up, while still being happy and prosperous, regardless of how a person's title implies they should treat you. Fortunately, there are many good father-daughter relationships out there. But don't think that because you are a good person (father, mother, uncle, aunt), you'll be treated with respect by any of the individuals society expects us to trust.

[@AnneWhyte]

You are exactly right. There are so many narcs in my life, I feel most of the world is narcs these days - my whole family, all their friends, all my neighbours, celebrities, solicitors, doctors, dentists, you name it. They all talk to me in a competitive way even if I am talking to them in a friendly way and trying to make a friendship with them. It seems they just dont understand how to talk to someone on a level, someone always has to be the 'winner' or the 'domineering one' - Little Shaman on KZbin even said its an emotional disability and I have to say I agree.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Sounds very similar to other stories from "victims." It is indeed an "emotional disability."

[@irme8930]

What most bothers me is that they ruin your plans and dreams. I will tell you my story. I was born with a beautiful voice, I love music and I always wanted to be a singer. Both my parents are narcissistic and none of them understood my passion for music. So, when I finished college, I had to take a normal job and save money hoping that one day I will be able to dedicate a part of my life to my passion. By the age of 35, I saved enough money to be able to support myself for 2 years while taking canto lessons and progressing in the music field. Unfortunately, only then I realized most of my friends were narcissistic as my parents, none supported me, the ones who claimed were supporting me were smearing me behind my back. I was starting to get contracts, and then my "friends" became crazy, they accused me I have changed (Lie = they were jealous I was building the Life I always wanted while they didn'thave any purpose in life, typical for narcissists). On the top of it, I met a psychopath who ruined me emotionally and a so called friend infected me on purpose with a virus called Epstein Barr that caused me cancer. So, people be very cautious who you allow in your life, as narcissists can really ruin it. I have worked and studied hard my whole life and always did things right. But the wrong people I accepted in my life managed to undermine all my efforts, so take care of yourself first and never put your dreams on hold for anyone.

[@EndPoliceBrutailty]

I completely understand. My highschool lessons teacher told me that my video has to be perfect to put it on KZbin. She also didn't support my love for viola enough even though she was my teacher. I have yet to fullfil my dream in music too. But what she said to me 12 years ago has ruined my career. I hope you find healing from your cancer and the toxic people in your life. I hope your musical dreams spark into what you have always desired. It's rough in this world. Take care 🎶

[@universe2198]

There have been so many of them in my life . I learnt that I attracted them like a moth to flame . From workplace to romantic 💔😑.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I feel for you. 😔 There's more if these personality types than we think.

[@keyfruit]

I hear you, I feel exactly the same

[@jvc8947]

They must always be right and will fight to the end to get you to agree with their “rightness”

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

So true! It's pathological to say the least. Thanks for watching!

[@amys.johnson8449]

Yes! And the irony is they are Pathetic Losers.

[@jrichol]

My old “friend” alway tried to ruin any of my meaningful relationships with people that actually care about me, when I finally cutt him off and told him he’s selfish and evil he tried to get violent!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I believe you! Narcissists tend to get violent when they feel they are losing. That sense of losing control and losing their "facade" to everyone is tragic for them.

[@AZDC99]

My former best friend with no dating life who had recover from MPD abuse from their family allegedly as well, started being hypercritical of people I was dating or family of origin. On quite a few of those, he was wrong and just trying to take me down a notch by making me do a final strike to some relationships for a while. Glad he's your "old" friend. Your former friend, I assume. You're on the right path!

[@AZDC99]

@@TherapistTamaraHill I hope it's tragic for them for all the crap they put me or others through. What I used to think was spontaneous disagreements looks to be rather pre-calculated with 20/20 hindsight. Definitely experienced lots of "reactive abuse" for them to brag about to their flying monkeys.. but that is well in the past and rear view mirror as well

[@monewilliams6245]

I dont compete but for some reason ppl always wanna know how much money I have and dont have...always want what I have just to get it and really never wanted it..always keep tabs on me..compete with me when I'm not even concerned about what they're doing..I'm myself and they wanna study me just to use my powers for themselves and it never works...and yes I'm a team player but my team mates always wanna compete wit me when I'm off in a corner minding my business

[@infj-tguy6275]

Minds like a 5 yo wow, that's a beautifully simple way to describe a narcissist and I'm very thankful to you for that info type👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿

[@4514rooster]

Key word there is attempt! Don’t give up or give in to the delusion projection.

[@TheAlchemistDavid]

That COMPETITION with EVERYONE was just CRAZY! Her Coworker drove her man’s Maserati to work & my ex came home talking about “well, she can’t show off on me cause they know I don’t play that.” I was like “huh, how did you get in that, she’s Judith driving her man’s car, and how did you put yourself into this picture?” I tell you what, I feel a huge sense of liberation to come to know that I wasn’t crazy for noticing and thinking those things and that in fact that was the case. At one point, I thought to myself that maybe I had some loose screws as the narc would suggest that maybe I have a mental illness or something. OH MY FN GOSH! Thanks for helping the rest of us.

[@smilebyyourself]

Just reading the title of the video I had flashbacks of my mom constantly saying to me as a teen “you are out of control!” She meant “she can’t control me.” She has forced me into adulthood to be her “power of attorney.” I have asked several times to be removed from this responsibility, but she has no one else so she forced me to do it. Literally when I was visiting and didn’t have a rental car, and was trusting her in her car to go to lunch, she drove me to a notary and didn’t even mention what we were doing until I was standing right in front of them and being asked by her to to sign. Where is the end for narcissists?! She just moves every 6 months in between houses and real estate partners until she doesn’t like it & then goes to the other market. No stable relationships and the only one who has actually been around for the past 30+ years (me) who tries to point some of this out to here, she of course can’t be bothered and is upset with my observations.

[@MrJesus1234592]

Thank you so much. They are driving me crazy. They keep forcing try to isolate to take control. Videos like this give me some much relief.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You are very welcome! Glad this was helpful.

[@delilahboyd-watts7498]

Thank you so much for the way you unpack these horrible traits of these people - so much insight!!!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!! And thank you.

[@sunflowerdaisy813]

Yes, lawsuits!! Nobody mentions this, thank you so much.

[@LaLisa1024]

To your court comment- YESSSSS an ex narc “friend” sued my fiancé. At first my fiancé’s gross family had some mafia lawyers working on the case for us. Once we unmasked my fiancé’s narc mom she had the mafia lawyer completely abandon the case. The silver lining is after this- my mother finally stopped the “that’s his mom” crap and supports us going no contact. BYEEEE NARCS

[@Homoclite]

Superb Video! I’m shocked that this is yet another great video that didn’t pop up for me until now. As I was listening, I couldn’t help but think of specific zodiacal signs who seem to be the biggest perpetrators of these things. I won’t name them, but will say that my cousin and I ran through the birthdates of convicted felons and cross referenced them with ole scandalous folks she and I know! 🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤦🏽‍♂️ Oddly enough, we have surmised that some folks born in certain astrological signs are truly more prone to these crap behaviors especially when their upbringing shapes their development or lack thereof. I believe that’s one of the biggest reasons why astrological signs are such the big deal when it comes to various outlets such as dating apps. But ya got folks lying on themselves primarily to try and change the outcome of selection. 😬😵‍💫🤡

[@goforawalktwice]

sorry, astrology has no place in a science discussion

[@billhodges3723]

you are exactly right about the completive mess; I got a "friend" who is a narcissist

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thanks for watching Bill!

[@djoserw4280]

Tamara you are great at your craft. Thanks for sharing your information with us.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thanks so much! And thanks for watching.

[@itsallgood3939]

Exactly what my ex Nar used to do smh but I defeated her 🙏🏾

[@monewilliams6245]

I hate when people call others sneaky for not telling them everything they're doing...why do I have to prove to u I'm at home cuz u dont believe me?? Why do I have to prove to u I have money? Its insane

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You shouldn't have to. I think that's more along the lines of control or second guessing you. Some people need that if they have lied in the past or have manipulated. But others do not and anything that aligns with this is control.

[@dionnejordan3588]

I swear to god I just cut off a nut job that constantly said this to me, he was married so I laughed. How dare you claim I’m sneaky with your cheating ass. I’m single I can do whatever I please. I’m glad I got out of that nonsense. I repent my sins. He is putting the new supply in my face & she thinks she is winning. Poor baby is young and her mind is not sound yet so I know the abuse she is about to go through. I smile at her when I see her and say a small prayer and keep it moving. I hope soon she will see

[@bigred5535]

Wish you had more views because you covered a lot of pertinent stuff all in one video. Thanks!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I appreciate that!

[@janjolley9524]

Absolutely amazing. Now I understand what our family is dealing with.

[@PeaceYall666]

I have the most freaky story in my life journey back in the 60s comin up as a kid, this term Narcissists answers many questions of an incident that happened within the neighbourhood where our mom raised me & my younger Siblings. So much going on then with generations of Indigenous people from the rural areas around the country and the Pacific Islands with issues beyond the control of the people.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sure it does! We cross paths with narcissists a lot but rarely notice at first glance.

[@kyledrewes6552]

#2 gave me an epiphany. Thank you for that

[@kylieangelheart3297]

Great video. Thanks!

[@jasonrichard7560]

Self centered is a good thing, I believe triangulation isn't always done that way I believe that knowing their tactics of that discipline be explored

[@princessindigo]

I think the only way to deal with narcs is by having powerful empaths come to the rescue. Narcs respect power and wealth and status, anyone more powerful than them humbles them. If you can get a powerful empath to step in to referee your situation with the narc, it may help.

[@vickimillis6626]

No very wrong

[@princessindigo]

@@vickimillis6626 well, I don't know then. Lol

[@vickimillis6626]

Narcs cannot be stopped until you end it , it's the worst torture in a relationship no contact is the only way

[@princessindigo]

@@MaryDunford I think most people naturally and ideally prefer that no one interferes in their relationships but these days we have therapists and family counselors that can help in these types of situations - your therapist may be your powerful empath. If you're lucky you may have an empathic high status mutual friend that can step in to help the situation, this is the powerful empath that would be most effective. The purpose of someone stepping in to "referee" is to help the person that may be outnumbered in a narc family - as a scapegoat in a narc family you'd probably appreciate someone showing up in your corner to call out and confront the other members, especially if there is undeniable abuse. In some situations the family is worth saving for the sake of the next generation (grandkids) so help may even be appreciated by the narcs (try explaining to your kids why the scapegoat aunt that they love suddenly cut everyone off, including them, not an easy task). Having help from a powerful empath probably isn't the first choice but in some cases you need a partner to fight the battle, sometimes the battle is necessary in order to correct people by holding up a mirror to them so they can see themselves and realize how ugly the behavior is.

[@denisehoffman2817]

Hey the most engaging video on this topic l have seen in awhile. It's a war out here

[@rogersanderson9574]

Thank you for this video ❤

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome 😊

[@karenkuske5567]

Sister....this is soooooooooo spot on!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

❤

[@dynamicmeasures7656]

That explains A lot Thanks

[@houseofebony84]

My mother is very narcissistic we dont have a relationship because of her ways. She has schizophrenia and she always plays the victim role. Nothing I ever did as her daughter was right or good enough. She doesn't like my husband for something that happened 15 years ago when him and I were young and learning each other. I don't know how to have a relationship with her because she listens to nothing I say. It's like she doesn't care

[@debramarshall4293]

This was very helpful. Thank you.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! Glad this was helpful!

[@baxterfanboy9116]

I couple years ago I decided to go live with extended family that was never in my life previously, they found me on the internet and they even said I was like a gift to them and a gift from grandma that passed away, but I only lived there for 3 months and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Their conditional love was just too hard to live with, my uncle wanted to push me to live up to his conditions of worth in order for him to feel like I’m not “taking advantage” of him just by living there, but he’s a millionaire living in a million dollar home. He had this “Oh I wOrKed hArd fOr tHis hOusE!” And was like “I guess we’re not on the same page” just because I didn’t do schoolwork for a couple days. It’s just so shitty to me that after ALL of my life of not being with them, of not growing up with my brother, of not having that “privileged life” growing up, after having a hard life with my narcissistic dad and being homeless and shit. He’s just going to be “I guess we’re not on the same page” and only got to live with them for 3 months… and my aunt was like “You’ve been going on THREE months!!” but what’s that compared to all my life of not being with you guys? Wasn’t I supposed to have grown up there along side my brother? But I never did… and I thought I was a gift to them, and I thought they always wanted me to be with them… but unfortunately they had a total “what’s in it for me me me” attitude

[@kynathomas4809]

Had one befriend me to get in my place of employment then compete with me where there was no competition needed. Once she realized that I would never speak to her again she said if you talk about me I will sue you for slander.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Sounds like she is very evil. These people will meet their fate. I have yet to see one who hasn't.

[@olinayoung6287]

Thanks, excellent!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!

[@itsallaboutnothing2672]

Thank you 💖

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!!😊

[@coreyanderson1457]

They did things sometimes that resulted in me slamming a door. But by then I had been through a lot of stuff. Not saying it's okay, but it does make me think about how that behavior effects me after a while.

[@juliechurch1799]

Called reactive abuse but like you said by then we don't know how else to respond and it's confusing what's going on so it's not intended us reacting . I tried allsorts in end I did what he was doing but felt wrong . I was turn into him .

[@shannenscott9442]

How does one BREAK AWAY COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY from the narcissist.. And then, HOW to HEAL the broken brain/self esteem?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

That's a very good question to ask. I don't think we have a remedy for dealing with narcissists. There are researchers and psychologists who have suggested different ways but that's about all we have. I often suggest walking carefully around them, keeping your information and self safe, and always back away slowly until you are out of their sight.

[@tomikoeaton9786]

Correct my mother is a somatic histrionic covert narc horrible monster no contact 4years

[@200abc6]

Its true my x bf Taurus narcissist trying to destroy me because he cannot Control me.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hi, Thanks for watching! Narcissists love control and when they don't have it, they try another evil or vindictive route. Sady.

[@monewilliams6245]

My current situation wit a damn Taurus

[@suzannepettitt1690]

Thank you for that, imm 66yrs old and on my 3rd marriage and suspected my new husband was a narcissis,over the years but am now wondering whether, I am too....I definitely behave in one or two of the traits.....how can I overcome this, I really don't want to be one ! Xx

[@kylieangelheart3297]

Tamara I have a question, 'what if you have suggested mediation, counselling etc to help and the other person tells you that they are not the problem and will never do this'. what does that say about them?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hi Kylie, Good question! I would say that many experts in my field would suggest that there is nothing you can do but protect yourself and move on. When someone with a personality disorder stays they are not the problem (which most will say!), you can only control yourself and figure out how to stay separate from the narcissist.

[@UCVPJ]

❤

[@icsolution3343]

Very helpful. Is Gaskighting a technic narcissist use? If so can you cover it.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Don't know how I missed your comment! Yes. A famous "technique." And yes, they can cover it, sadly.

[@alicerayne9461]

Rev Billy Ray Wilson

[@benpit5012]

Isnt triangulation different then the kaufmen triangle?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes! I may have a video on this topic on the channel.

[@RahHoward]

You have really great information on your channel, but it sucks that you target men alone as being narcissist. Plenty of men are victims of narcissistic abuse, but are forced to suffer in silence.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! If you search my channel a bit more you'll see that focus change as I include more content: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fomoZmR7a62cfs0 And...it's good to know that research suggests men tend to exhibit these traits more than women. myinstantessay.com/sample/psychology/female-sociopaths

[@Mechanically_Speaking]

Theyre in competition for whos better friends with someone, who know a moe famous person etc My exm wanted to see who was better friends with a mutual aquaintence and tried to proposition him one night... turns out im better friends with him lol

[@kaylastarlight7252]

Good video just subscribe

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you Kayla! :) Glad you found the video helpful and thaks for subscribing.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

What has been your experience with a narcissist?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hi Jeff, Thanks so much for your comment, the follow, and the support. :) I couldn't relate more! I've been there so many times. But, looking back, if it weren't for those narcissists I wouldn't have gotten into private practice. :) It is a balancing act, as you put it, and many people are stuck between not paying bills and eating, and leaving the job to keep their sanity. It's so unfair to an employee who's first priority is sustainability.

[@prben2]

My father is a covert narcissist. I'm a man in my late 40's now, it has taken years of therapy to deal with the P.S.T.D from his abusive behaviour, but now to top it all, I have a neighbour who who lives beneath the apartment I reside in, he fits the bill of a full blown narcissist, all the traits you mentioned, but he's even worse than my father, a neighbour from hell. I try to avoid him at all costs, because his behaviour brings it all back, it's an horrendous situation, he'll complain if I do D.I.Y during the day, I can understand if he worked a night shift, but he doesn't even work, yet he bang, and shout, play loud music, and he even hoovers his apartment at 3 in the morning, so it's one rule for him and another rule for everyone else, he never admits fault, always blaming others, and constantly boasts all the time about his vanity, his pride, his virtues and sexual conquests,sometimes explicit, and very graphic things about hurting people, and if he gets upset, even if it's trivial, he throws tantrum of aggression, thumbing things like our front doors and walls with his foul tempestuous rants, which is very intimidating and scary, just like my father. Sometimes I feel helpless and at my wits end, I even feel like moving. An example of his behaviour is even though I live on the top floor of this 3 story building, and moved in there two years before he got his apartment, he has moaned and complained that he should have had that apartment I'm living in, and I shouldn't be living there, because wanted it. So he's either very jealous, angry or stirring up trouble by trying to bad mouth you to other neighbours, but he pretends to be friendly to your face, and with insincere compliments to groom you, for control, manipulation and he tries to make feel afraid, because it gives him power!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hi NukeEm, Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds to me as if you really need to move. When you are dealing with a narcissistic individual you have to keep in mind that they are all about show, social prestige, and other shallow social "rewards" from behaving the way they do. He will never reason with you. He will never stop bothering you because the nagging behaviors affect you and he knows that. It is a sense of power and control. Power and control are a narcissist's vitamin. They crave it. They need it. Your best bet is to move away and stay away. If you call the Landlord and complain, you can guarantee the fight will not be over. In fact, it just might increase. I wish you the best

[@landralann1862]

I got caught up in a narcissistic relationship then had a horrible job where all of the managers would belittle me and yell making me the shock absorber for all of the issues instead of taking responsibility just like my mate was doing. I noticed the behavior, eventually got fired, hit rock bottom and promised myself I wouldn't accept or allow this behavior from anyone ever again. I have a child with the guy so I have to deal with his schemes but since I've removed myself from the relationship emotionally I am having a better less tumultuous experience.

[@independentthoughtsnotthot9030]

My father who had instigated a fight then had me arrested. Whom still refuses to listen to a single word I have to say, about anything. He constantly triangulates bringing his 84+ year old mother into it. Slanders me to my family. Gaslights nonstop and extreme hyperbole. Mention nutrition and gut health being linked to anxiety and depression along with generational lack of accountability. He will tell you its all your head. Then he will put his headphones on and listen to con artist hippie poets with no educational background in psychology or psychiatry. That's the confirmation bias. He threatens me with legal action calling me a criminal because I get so angry when he dehumanizes and invalidates me everytime he he speaks at me. He's never been capable of processing emotions according to my mom. They divorced when I was 4. My Mom is a covert narcissist I think. Father is overt. My dad says I'm the only problem. Though my uncle, his brother, is 60 years old, mentally I'll, unwilling to seek help and lives with my 84+ year old grandmother. When my dad starts a fight he cannot control. He runs to his mother as a rescuer. It's truly disturbing.

[@BlackMagickMike]

Your camera is narcissistic. t=4:56 📷 😂

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hahaha! I couldn't figure out what made it slide so...perhaps you're right.

[@kayguidry6047]

KZbin would not let me subscribe

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry. I wonder why? 🧐

[@Geeya6]

❤️