Narcissists expect things to GO BACK to the way they were

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@jennifermcilwain5095]

They NEED you to forget, otherwise they have to be accountable.

[@jds0981]

Yup. I would add that they need us to forget so they can get what they want.

[@WoziduranJahemter]

They do that to leech off the sanity and then to consume without giving any reciprocity and decency because they refuse to heal their issues alone as they are in delussion, that's why they cling like parasites while being abusive misery presences.

[@katrina3560]

"I didn't think you'd remember that..!"(long silence)...Well yes Mother, I do recall your scary screetch proclaiming the cellophane you were frantically swiping and rinsing at the sink was "FUCKING DRUGS, okay!" when I was 10 years old. Fair to say it was pretty jarring. It was the day I realized it wasn't just seemingly my job, but WAS my job to keep myself and baby brother safe in the day to day life of chaos we lived.

[@jennifermcilwain5095]

@Self_deleted_Tran I ponder this every day of my life. I think it's because they can't experience true ego death. You would get an apology, but would it "have any meat on its bones" or any substance? Probably not. It's so important to see them once the mask is off. Protect yourself. Otherwise, you're going to lose huge parts of what is intrinsically you. You will eventually become physically ill.

[@lilfairycupcake]

exactly.

[@demian_SilentNoMore]

Letting go of people who just want you to *get back in line* after inappropriate, hurtful or downright mean or spiteful behavior. Um… NOPE. Not anymore.

[@whyuwannaknownfla1453]

Thank you for the 'people who want you to get back in line after hurtful or down right mean inappropriate behavior' NOPE 😂 NOT ANYMORE!!!! This statement pinged the gas lighting I encountered yesterday and I STOOD FIRM!!! NOPE!

[@demian_SilentNoMore]

@@whyuwannaknownfla1453 Yay!! Awesome for you 👍

[@sugarpoultry]

Yah cut them out FAST.

[@thabomuso2575]

Big congratulations to you!@@whyuwannaknownfla1453

[@WhistleblowingGoodWitch]

Thank you I really needed this tonight, this is so helpful. ❤

[@dylissilyd]

I said to my mother "I remember everything!" and saw panic in her eyes. Deep inside them, I think they know there were no good old days: they just want/expect us to pretend those were good days

[@lilfairycupcake]

they know exactly what they have done.

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

I'm with you.

[@lizmandelaine6863]

Same w/padre.

[@jswan312]

Before the cutoff, I could sense that my mother was shocked and scared that I could remember so much from my childhood. She knew exactly how she treated me. Narcs don’t care. I believe they enjoy abuse. It makes them feel big, clever, witty, powerful, and it gave my mother a gleeful mean-girl high to say whatever ugly, cruel thing popped into her stupid, vapid, diseased mind.

[@aynilaa]

My mum tries to gaslight me into believing I had a great childhood. But I remember everything.

[@Jachimma]

Yes...they just sit tight and hope that with time, you'll forget everything that just happened and go back to black.

[@jennyferguson5583]

Exactly, come back like it Never-Happened! He Never Spoke About What Happened! No Comment. I was a Young Mom of 2-. He was a Fisherman, gone a lot. I would be left to Get Over the Major Roller Coaster. I Prayed to be Like a Rock, Steady and Enjoy my Life and kids. It took me 10 years to Realize I Was Holding Something that Didn’t Exist! No Going Back! Glad there’s Education on NPD- Thanks- Doc❤️

[@semmaville]

I’m living with my narcissist. I now realize she cleverly isolated me… I had convinced myself to wait until she dies before making a network of friends. But now that I woke up, I’m not waiting. I have a lunch date with a new friend Tuesday and spent this weekend with another new friend. I’m emerging as a person! I owe it all to you Dr Ramani! Thank you ❤

[@BooDotBoo]

This happened to me, too. The world is BEAUTIFUL outside of the control. However, I have noticed my narcissist would get mad and jealous about me having a life outside of them. They even tried to do the same thing, but realized they had no friends to go out with, no friends to text or talk on the phone with, so that failed quickly. My thing is, don't wait. They've already taken so much of your life, don't let them continue to.

[@semmaville]

@@BooDotBoo for me… it’s my mom and she would tell me how terrible my sister is for picking friends over family… so I bought into it and completely focused on her… no more… it’s over

[@missbearlockholmes]

My mom wants me to wait until she dies before I get a husband. I'm already 47, and pretty sure I'll never marry. But she keeps saying this.

[@KayleneRomero-oz7yz]

💚😃. Similar here. I relate to the Disney movie Rapunzel so much! She never knew the outside world😢

[@KyleTO7]

Get it girl. Don't let anyone hold u back from making new healthy friendships

[@peggy2808]

I really cracked up when you said "it's their world and they're just letting you live in it." How hilarious. Thank you for all your help.

[@SophieBird07]

My ex narc’s go to phrase to everyone was “it’s your world, I’m just living in it.”….projection much?

[@realhealing7802]

Exactly! Their world only works for them.

[@maryw4609]

Yes it was all his world and I had to revolve around him there were times that there was no me I had faded away into oblivion sometimes I wished some one would come rescue me this is just a child like fantasy I knew it no one is coming just wishful thinking to escape but to where? I am old I set the boundaries now I have to save the last shreds of me thank you this was very helpful keep your channel open it is very healing 😊

[@me2big]

Yes, like they'd say about California types : it's their movie and you're just a bit-player in their Drama ...

[@nakiflo]

@@SophieBird07 omg 😱 my narc ex said the exact same thing. Omg 😱

[@anonymous-ze2ug]

My ex-husband would say "I just want my old Sarah back". What he wanted was the weak person I used to be that handed over my paycheck and did whatever he wanted but then he went too far and I changed. It's been 10 yrs since the divorce and being engaged to yet another narc and not knowing better. I am alone now and I think that is the best for me. I have my children and they are my light.

[@Pixie-nh1lf]

Oh wow! This was fake too??!! 😮 Damn what a fool I was!

[@lynntasch1724]

Mine use ti say the same thing.

[@MotleyShrew-iz9ms]

Dear Sarah, the joy you have with your children is abundant & a beautiful thing to behold❤. It's so beautiful you have them & their unconditional LOVE, and that you have the gift of loving them without being guarded, like with your Ex's. 💛 But you DO Deserve romantic love, that's rooted in friendship, respect & good treatment from someone special. ... when you're ready. 😉 Beware of the "love- bombing" of a Narc; it can be so intoxicating that we cannot see the red flags in them....i believe A Narc is a GRAND Con-Artist- this IS their JOB, to Con us into believing that they're great people and they treat us so well dotting the wooing stage that it sweeps us away... Try steering clear of the love-bomber types. Also, letting a TRUSTED friend set you up with someone they know very well could be an option: & you keep it all light and breezy😉, double date& promise yourself no "L"/💖 word too soon😉 Im sure you're a very fun, sweet, kind, caring person & i need you to know you're worth investing in. Invest in yourself, love❤yourself & go on some dates when you decide to. Just bc someone acts kind to you, doesn't mean you must exclusively date them. You, Sweetie, CAN have a healthy relationship when you date a while, then maybe decide to Choose someone. Watch out for relationships where the other person chooses you- - - (bc you're shell shocked& this is a good way to safeguard against possible narcs) My Narc chose me- pursued me & I had No interest in him whatsoever-- (i didn't like who he was when we were in high school), but in college- the minute i broke up with my bf of 4 years, he was going out of his way to be wherever i was on campus. He was persistent & charming, & said & did all the right things... the constant attention, how he made me feel so beautiful, perfect & important & of course the love bombing put a spell on me. I fell in love & of course that meant I lost all sense of good judgement & I could see no wrong in him. ☆☆☆ Beware of this smothering with complements & too much attention Narc type, & you will be okay. Best wishes for a fresh start with someone who Deserves YOU my friend 🤗

[@alexas.5287]

They expect you to forgive them immediately, act like nothing ever happened immediately, not have any sad or hurt or angry feelings immediately when they say it’s all fine now. If you harbor any doubt or exhaustion about their wrongdoings or attacks after they force you to accept their fake apology or demand you move on, you’re the villain. This is so spot-on.

[@vihmaussivenitaja]

This is exactly the pattern I had with my ex...

[@williamrussell2353]

This is my narc dad/business partner. His Pollyanna enabler wife insists I "just get over" them selling part of the farm. And "We will all be smiling in the end". I'm not sure I'm ever getting over the break in trust. I'm not sure if I'll ever believe either of them again.

[@RonSafreed]

My narc. younger brother right rubbed it in my face about forgiveness & forgiving him even for criminal activity he got involved in & I evicted him & I know he thinks one day he can live with me again but "no way Hosea"!!

[@jeanhickman6678]

I know I am responding to this three months later lol but you are spot on. I finally blew a gasket on my narcissistic husband last night and almost verbatim said your words to him. I discovered that not only had he “just” been cheating, (as if that wouldn’t be bad enough) but he had been soliciting escorts & hookers, going to Asian happy ending massage parlors and down loading all sorts of porn while he traveled for his job. Ten years of it and we have been married only the last 8 of those ten. Something you always know and can feel in your gut, but don’t have physical proof to confront with…. and you know they would deny it and turn it on you, so you keep your mouth shut and just let it eat at you. So not only was I putting up with his narcissistic personality, I dealt with his perverted creepy energy as well. The good part about this is I was already so turned off by him and let down by him that this didn’t hit me hard. So after finding a very comprehensive & consistent history of this on his computer, he first denies it saying someone is setting him up (🤣) then he came to me in tears and admitted to it. By the next day, he didn’t understand why I was so distant because after all, he apologized and thought that automatically entitled him to my forgiveness. I let him know that he was not sorry but embarrassed and scared that people would know. I told him that a confession, and getting caught, were two different things. I was so disgusted I couldn’t even look at him. I can’t leave him because I am at his mercy financially, like most victims of narcissist, so I’m stuck with him. His family is very tight and he is the golden child among everybody so after telling him your words…I told him this……. “I have the proof and I know how you would feel if your and my family knew this. I would walk out the front door right now but thanks to you that’s not possible . I am staying right here and you are taking care of me, and all you have to do is not expect a damn thing from me except to keep your secret.” He is pissing his pants right now and I love it! Thanks for the confirmation! 😊

[@alexas.5287]

@@jeanhickman6678 Wow. That’s absolutely terrible, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Yep, the only reason they “apologize” and then throw their usual tantrums when you refuse to move on immediately and actually have feelings of hurt to process, etc. is because it’s a detriment to THEM in some way, whether it’s potentially losing supply by looking bad to others around them due to you being upset and raising alarm about their behavior (depending on how brainwashed other people are) or something else, like even just feeling entitled to use you for intimacy… “I said I’m sorry, why can’t we do X” behavior. Utterly disgusting.

[@alexeyvishnyakov8132]

Truly, once you see the things for what they are, it’s just impossible to “unsee” all the mess. Thank you so much! Love the video quality upgrade btw

[@nicolesiemens8727]

Exactly, 💯. And you never can look at the person the same any longer. Because you begin to see that everything they do and say is just a lie.

[@alexeyvishnyakov8132]

@@nicolesiemens8727 absolutely

[@sparkygump]

Narcs have taught me that, after they discard, you can NEVER go back to the way it was. I see them now.

[@Yarblocosifilitico]

Same. The more excuses and changes in the narrative, the clearer I see them.

[@SagittariusBabe87]

Yeah! They discard us and then, want Us back! To use & abuse again, just to be discarded again. No thanks! Accepted the break-up/discard. First & FINAL discard! I'm a lucky one. But, the damage is done. Blocking, Healing and moving on. Living my life like it was meant to be.

[@ardent9422]

I haven't heard them say "let go back to the way it was before..." but I have seen them ACT like it was the way it was before, or just act like nothing ever happened and rage when you try to discuss it. if you don't discuss it, then you end up as the one silently seething with rage.

[@shweefranglais7900]

So right. If they have a blowout and attack you verbally cruelly and viciously they expect you just to behave as normal afterwards or even apologise. If you challenge them once over one small thing they will brood and dwell and repeat to their friends what a terrible disloyal and selfish individual you are, or even that they think you are losing your mind again. ( in their minds) This does not mean that they would actually do anything to help you if you had real mental health problems which you probably will ; but it's more likely to be depression, withdrawal, self hatred, lack of confidence confusion and guilt; not losing your mind.

[@robbiewooden5067]

U never can go back.

[@luna_4765]

My narc mother wants nothing more than for my brother and I to be her minions again. The “good days” as she puts it. Never again. I’ve been no contact for almost a year since moving out of her house, blocked her on everything, and it’s been the most peaceful time in my life. I refuse to go back. Thank you so much for doing what you do, Dr. Ram. You’ve helped my brother and I not only identify the narc’s tactics, but also how to keep them at bay.

[@erinscruggs5838]

I pray it's not online counseling between you and your family. 💛

[@lilfairycupcake]

good for you eliminating your toxic mother from your life.

[@pauldee1577]

wow I am in the exact same boat. My brother and I are trying to move on from being flying monkeys to our narcissistic mother! She loved to pit us against each other, but we both swear to never go back to that sorry state of affairs. We both have blocked her on all outlets.

[@christinerobertson9596]

I went back to having my mom live with us because she's dying of cancer. I'm the only one she has. Sick of the abuse

[@valentinakren8816]

Most of them are nuts mine used to hit my head like a drum it was terrible

[@sylviealexandris6696]

Yes! He totally said that. “ I wish you loved me like you did in the beginning, you were more compliant and good” he also said my codependency recovery was making me more argumentative AKA now I have boundaries! Best complement I ever got from him!!!

[@DrPatANelson]

OMG, what a thing to say to you! I guess that it totally confirmed your opinion of him though in case you had a smidgeon of doubt.

[@lilfairycupcake]

they hate it when you see them for what they really are, then cut ties.

[@Nat-oj2uc]

'i wish you were my slave and I had full control over you'

[@karazor-el3466]

My ex said almost the same thing, that I was more "submissive and docile" in the beginning, those words made me cringe so hard. Like he actually used words to describe a pet. As if me having boundaries and not being taken advantage of and wanting to be respected on a basic human level was a bad thing.

[@sylviealexandris6696]

@@karazor-el3466 it’s a very disturbing comment, it really shows the mindset of a toxic person.

[@bindibud23]

My female biological narc parent made me work in her dance studio every day from age ten to 17. I was forced to do endless nursery rhyme dances with small children while being mocked for the way I looked in a leotard. When I moved out at 17, she was gobsmacked. "I'll --- I'll PAY you!" she cried, in desperation. Sorry, Judy! By then I had realized that other employers would also pay, and without the abuse.

[@lilfairycupcake]

the judy part puts things into perspective.

[@beemonroe4330]

My egg donor was like, “Who told you you can go to the Army?!” Like, ummm I’m 18, I don’t need a permission slip to join the military. Let’s put that in perspective. I rather potentially fight a war as a young lady than live with you. I grew up in the army if you ask me, cleaning her house like hotel housekeeping and getting yelled at from sun up to sun down. Mind you, she drilled in my head from 13 that at 18 I had to get out her house because I was the child who didn’t come with a child support check. An entire mental patient.

[@LadyGoddessSephiroth]

It really kills me that they never see it coming. Esp parents. They really think their kids are just gonna put up with their abuse forever. Mine were shocked that I left too. The breaking point for me was they tried to kill me and lied to the police to get out of consequences. They actually expected me to come home after that and were SHOCKED that I refused. The delusion is real.

[@alphamail8974]

​@@beemonroe4330oof. Thank you for your service, but damn! "I would rather die in a WAR than deal with you for another moment!" 😂 Good for you for escaping

[@beemonroe4330]

@@LadyGoddessSephiroth my mother used to beat the brakes off of me. She worked for DHS, but brainwashed me to believe it wasn’t abuse. She put makeup on my face to hide the bruises and coaxed me to lie to my teachers. When I started running away she told the court system I was incorrigible and in a gang, got me committed to the state as a court ward. I went to many group homes and they always raved about me being the most well behaved resident. When I was released back home she’s always ask, “why can’t you act like that here?” Umm, because you’re involved you psychopath! She told me she’d kill me several times.

[@ultramaxpro8537]

This woman is the reason why I have peace

[@audreygregis8721]

WOW, that is so true! I couldn't have said it any better. When I found Dr. Ramani, only a couple years ago, she was the last part of my healing, after 30yrs with a narc, 13 of those years a never ending divorce. Just to read the comments under her videos...I knew it wasn't just me. I don't look at myself as a victim, rather a survivor.

[@codatheseus5060]

The thing that hit me the hardest was when the narcissist blamed me for the actions they manipulated me into doing. They were all the sudden my choices.

[@TheWTFMatt]

Just got this from my dad who groomed me into the military from a young age, "it was always my choice". I never knew anything different

[@kakumah]

True

[@jobella81]

Gaslighting

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Me going neutral, disengaging and having boundaries enraged the narcissist in-law in my family and she verbally assaulted me at a family dinner. It was beyond disturbing. And my family tried to blame me for standing up to her to protect myself and pressures me to forgive for the sake of the family despite her never apologizing. It’s been many years of these messed up things from her. I wish they would understand that I can never go back to how things were. Prioritizing my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@cassiebrown9786]

You're family isn't accepting you're the real victim. I'm sure the in law has won them over and they are blindsided.

[@pinkyssj4]

I'm going thru same with my narc MIL. She says unwelcoming things when my husband is not present, she denies when it's brought up. I distance myself from her, to which she tells others that I ignore her. I hate her

[@naowright9308]

I know all too well how this feels. I am so sorry.😢

[@neelubird]

I've experienced this with a cousin's family. My mum and her siblings totally glorified and fawned over her brother and his family like they could do no wrong. They did it out of respect, cos her brother genuinely cared for his siblings like a father when their parents died and took on a lot of responsibility- but sadly his wife and most of his children went on to be arrogant, entitled types and everyone is expected to tolerate it out of 'respect' with no questioning and no accountability. I see through it so my cousins treat me like the mouthy trouble maker in the family for rocking the boat. Thankfully most of them live in a different country so we rarely see them and alhamdullilah my dad and sister back me up and believe me.

[@manichairdo9265]

Well done.🎉 I did the same eventually. I'd 4 narc in laws. Only 2 were left when my husband died. 1 brutalised me and my heart broken children. She'd done the same to my late husband for years and to me. He was the family scapecoat. After scores of vile texts and voice messages to me and my kids we agreed as a family to go ZERO contact. I changed my ph no. She made false allegations about me. Still does. That was 12 years ago. 2 days after the funeral when she tried to sabotage it. She rang to say it was 'sh*t. Etc. We had people ready to protect us. We never refer to her. Never use her name. We have moved houses and she doesn't know. Forgiveness is not looking for revenge or holding grudges or bad mouthing her. But you do not have to be in a relationship with a toxic person. God knows what we have experienced. He had Judas to name one. Take care. ❤

[@aynilaa]

Yes! My parents are so confused about me finally speaking up, seeing what's happening and refusing to be part of it. They always blame it on my mental health as I didn't used to be like this years ago. I grew up, got educated and empowered. That's what happened.

[@odynith9356]

God the word empowered is so cringe now with how overused it is. Just say you grew up and learned more. That’s it. You’re not empowered you’re the same dumbass you were before.

[@kellywalsh4596]

Good for you! Inspiring !

[@two4u443]

Very well said!!!! My mother's favorite deflection statement!!! Calling my sister and I or anyone else who stands up against her bs💩..."They are mentally ill."

[@mckitty4907]

I was also called mentally ill as soon as I finally put down good healthy boundaries and said I did not like something. Thing was, I was just NOW recovering from extreme mental illness which was taken advantage of, and I was getting better from the mental illness, but got accused of becoming worse when I was actually getting better and not weak enough to just go along with stuff silently. I was getting mentally healthy enough to say no.

[@aynilaa]

@@mckitty4907 Yes! At first, they damage you mentally or take advantage of your vulnerabilities. But they don't like it when you get healthy, strong & empowered enough to withstand their bs.

[@mc5366]

"There are no good old days" Amen!! Although it's very painful being in a relationship with a narcissist, I have learned and grown so much. My senses are much more heightened and I'm stronger for it.

[@aynilaa]

Education is so empowering. You'll eventually realise you don't have to put up with this stuff. That's not how relationships are supposed to be.

[@lynnemccully6014]

I love to hear people saying this ❤

[@marieborchardt2910]

I remember the day he said to me emphatically "you've changed!", like that was a bad thing. And I remember saying to him, I sure hope so! We had been together for many years. I was becoming more aware even before I heard the word narcissist.

[@tanyatheealchemist7481]

Tuh! I remember when my former narc said “I know you can be with someone better than me” I woke 🆙 because I also realized he would never change his evil, selfish ways. Queen run!! 🏃🏽‍♀️ he ain’t worth it. Frfr

[@lilfairycupcake]

change for the better.

[@supernova11711]

My mother screamed that at me as well. I laughed in her face and that really threw her off balance. It really was funny to me how she spewed it out as though it was an insult. To me, it was the greatest compliment she could have given me. Yes. Yes I have 😊

[@lilfairycupcake]

@@supernova11711 their self inflated egos are soooooooo delicate. when u laugh at them it hurts.

[@supernova11711]

@@lilfairycupcake I’m okay with that lol

[@judylee1860]

“There’s no going back. There are no good old days.” Let that sink in.

[@ScrapAlong76]

I’m not going back to that. Those good old days were the controlling, yelling, cussing and devaluing me. I’m done so done. I’m filing for divorce very soon.

[@daeclipse03]

Stay strong brother. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

[@danielland3767]

Good luck and stay strong my man

[@alphamail8974]

Good for you! The right person will come along later, but no rush! Do you and enjoy YOUR life 💪🏽💖

[@cindyrhodes]

Over the past year, I've gone thru grey-rocking and no-contact, but, yep, just as you say, the narcissist came back with a "caring text": "I haven't heard your voice in a while." Because this woman is a childhood contact of my husband's, I responded with "I hope you're having a good day." It is a painful struggle to discern how to not give them what they want and remain a robot, but at least I know what lies ahead. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.

[@manichairdo9265]

Never respond again. 💕

[@NewMe-iq5os]

@@manichairdo9265 I agree. Don’t reply next time. Don’t tell your husband she contacted you. If it ever comes up (he asks you or you run into her) so “oh, I’m sorry, I thought I replied”. It’s your husband’s responsibility, not yours.

[@DanaP3335]

I tried for 3 years to go back to the way things were to make my husband happy. It worked great for him as I was slowly dying inside under his control and manipulation. Now, everyone is confused saying things were great when you went back, what happened. This video was so helpful in seeing what I was trying to do and why it failed, I can't unsee his abuse and personality or pretent it will be ok if I try harder or stay quiet. They don't get it, it absolutely was confirmation when he said this to me, exactly right!

[@lspa9333]

I’m always told that I need to “forgive and turn the page”. In other words, forget about what he did so he can do it again, without any acknowledgment that he did anything wrong. Now, I’m learning to turn the page in my own book and forget about him! Thank you, Dr. Ramani for all of the information about narcissistic abuse.

[@manichairdo9265]

Yes. Forgiveness is not wanting revenge. Not bad mouthing your abuser. Not holding grudges. Going no contact and zero relationship is the healthy option.

[@joglynn602]

I was at church today and I felt god say to me that it doesn’t give people the right to abuse you and be in there company forgiveness is about forgiving yourself and in time forgiving them it could take a while the main important thing is you heal god showed me this woman I was with was a narcissist and she was meant to be a Christian hurts like anything 🙏❤️

[@real_hello_kitty]

@@manichairdo9265 Wow, that's too much too ask. The only thing right of what you said is just no contact & zero relationship. Everything else is just hypocrisy. We are all humans who have emotions. Anger, grudge are emotions, you are not supposed to suppress.

[@real_hello_kitty]

ispa9333 You cannot give what you don't have.

[@manichairdo9265]

@@real_hello_kitty They should neither be suppresed or expressed. E.g. Talking things through with someone you trust can help. Emotions are fine but expressing anger by throwing a brick through somebody's window isn't helpful to you. It's a learning curve.

[@premapnair]

You have explained it so well doc!! Fantastic. All victims of narcissism should go through your videos and gain control over themselves. THERE ARE NO GOOD OLD DAYS. Period !!!

[@lambinwolfsclothing]

The way things were. Convenient memory loss for them. Painfully embedded memories for us. Never again.

[@masquarra]

My family set up yet another “ intervention” and my sister dreamingly stated those words. The family agreed with smiles, and demanded I start talking to her again and not talk about what prompted the reason for me walking away.

[@jds0981]

I've had a couple of team meeting like that (two of my business partners are narcs) a lot of crying involved.

[@jm2307]

I’ve been there too. I hope you stood your ground

[@lilfairycupcake]

demanded that u talk to her? jesus, talk about psycho. no communication = no control.

[@joycepencook9945]

4:26 ​@@lilfairycupcakeno

[@joshualavender]

So, they insist you talk to her -- but not about what you feel needs to be talked about? Uhhuh... My response: "Hmm, interesting. No."

[@saltlightandjoyministries4138]

It amazed me to see that he truly didn't connect his cheating and deceit with the changes in my behavior and attitude towards him. He mentioned how distant I was, how it felt different when he hugged me, and that the changes in me "didn't feel comfortable " for him. That told me that I had gotten good at being a grey rock. It also showed me that his ego and arrogance blinded him to simple cause and effect, showing either a refusal or inability to introspect.

[@johnnycorn7225]

I sooo relate to this!!! She still can't believe I'm not interested at all after her completely horrible behavior towards me. Definitely an indication of a very serious mental dysfunction. Good energy is what it's all about, not abusing people, they do it on purpose and enjoy it, so leave them!

[@debbiegrooman5800]

No ability or desire to introspect.

[@johnnycorn7225]

@@debbiegrooman5800 experts say it's actually due to lacking brain matter in the empathy area where most people have a lot more, definitely deficient thought processes

[@debbiegrooman5800]

@johnnycorn7225 that is very interesting. If true, he's actually handicapped. This perhaps changes the perspective a bit. 🙂

[@johnnycorn7225]

@@debbiegrooman5800 yes, according to the experts in the field it is most definitely a neurologically based mental disorder, like a REAL one. I believe this is true with their thought process but I also in my heart believe there is a demonic attachment that comes along with behaving so savagely for so long. I've seen too much to believe otherwise

[@jaclynmarie5747]

It’s like they want to go back to the time before you had the boundaries in place that they would keep breaking. Back to when you you were still looking at them through the rose coloured glasses and seeing the red flags as just flags and a misunderstanding and hoping for the best. As soon as you notice them chipping away at you, it’s always somehow your fault. You can’t take the joke, you are cruel for pushing them away and distancing for your own mental health and sanity. There’s good in goodbye.

[@astralpx]

In my studies and experience, radical acceptance is the only way out. You have to realize, accept, understand, that the narc will never feel authentically, therefore you can NEVER have an authentic relationship . EVER. A narc will never actually love you or even have the capacity to love you. Its sad, its tragic...but you have to move on and hang tough!

[@johnnycorn7225]

Perfect comment^^^^^^ believe this and save yourself the time

[@amberinthemist7912]

Yes!!!! The first step in getting out of a narc relationship is accepting that there is no hope that you can ever have an equal respectful relationship that is also positive for you. Once you truly give up all hope your actual life can begin.

[@carolinechadarevian115]

My husband asked me to get back to my old version .. he didn't know that once you see you cannot unsee and no return to the old days .. As they say once you know you go - it is very true I left after 29 years. For one whole year now I am happy like never before. Thank you Dr. Ramani

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This is what my family expects me to do. Just pretend the horrific and hurtful things the narcissistic in-law did, forgive and forget so we can be one big happy family so my mom can have her big family dinners. She always tries to manipulate and guilt trip me to forgive despite the emotional abuse and verbal assaults I’ve experienced from the narcissist. The narcissist never apologizes nor is held accountable and expects us just to be friends again regardless. Everyone just enables her and pressures me to forgive for the sake of the family. It’s messed up and I have no idea how to be around the narc or big family dinners or what to do anymore. My mom and I got in a fight about it last night because she expects me to be pals with the narcissistic in law again. It’s so hurtful to me but my mom values the big happy family facade over my well being. Super disheartening. 😢

[@tranquility1967]

That's exactly what you say to your mom. "NO, in the real world the person who messes up is the one who apologizes, period. And why do you want to see ME HURT just so you can have a fake happy family? Cause that what it is fake. Either make the narcissist apologize publicly or I will simply not attend and I will let EVERYONE know why." I had to do this because of my brother being a narcissist and my co-defendant mother. Eventually she gave in and cut him out, but I still hear the "You don't understand how hard it is being the parent of such a horrible son." Ugh I don't care, I do not have a brother, he is dead to me.

[@maevebutler4641]

@ costello&Dlizzi I heard this statement recently "They are not worthy of my response," I had to remind myself of this statement today as siblings are expecting me to take my turn staying overnight with narcissistic while completely ignoring that I have my own health issues I am just to expect to ignore all horrendous toxic behaviour My ex- grandiose Narcissist answered her phone to me recently He still continues to visit & I'm expected to feel that it's somehow acceptable Çompletely ignoring the history of the horrific violence that I experienced It's been like this for years So, there is no going back to the old ways of entitlement and the blatant denial of the nightmare that myself & my children went through .

[@manichairdo9265]

I was into the big in law family facade, too and it cost me a nervous breakdown from which I eventually recovered no thanks to them. I deeply regret not going no contact then. I have since gone no contact with the remaining daughter. Words fail me to describe the abuse she railed at me and my heart broken kids on my husband's unexpected death. He was their scapegoat btw. We went no contact 2 days after the funeral and scores of vulgar threats to us all. We changed our ph numbers. Eventually, our addresses. She lied about us to people at the funeral, too. They knew she was lying. It's almost 12 years. Bliss. She will never get back. We have grandchildren who we need to protect. It'll go on until she passes. Stay strong. Be brave. Stay safe.

[@chriscunningham8807]

@@tranquility1967 Ironically, narcissists are skilled manipulators and can demand an apology from the victim and blame shift after they made a mistake or bellowed orders that did not make sense. Think office tyrant and horrible boss, who feels entitled to belittle, abuse, exploit and rage at people to get whatever they want. Money, attention, power, privileges or special favours and VIP treatment as if they're wearing a crown.

[@Sophia-uu1im]

They want their supply to go back to the way they were. Meanwhile, they will punish you/treat your horribly (after hoovering you back, if applicable ) for daring to question them/waking up/walking away.

[@msladya9869]

My narc ex-husband noticed that I would withdraw and not feel comfortable around him after he would rage at me. We talked about it and his response was " yeah, I noticed that about you. You need to learn how to get over it faster." Wow! It was my fault our relationship couldn't get back on track. Of course he didn't think he needed to get help and change his behavior. The fix was that I needed to pretend like his rage never happened. I needed to go back to trusting him and being lovey dovey.

[@mnp870]

Makes sense. Their character doesn’t change and they never are at fault for broken relationships. .

[@cr8zystar282]

Riiiiiiiiiiight!!!!……… the good old days of being disrespected and not be having your boundaries respected!! my narcissistic brother had the audacity to tell me I was cold, I told him sometimes being cold can be a strength!!

[@Lilandra81]

"THERE ARE NO GOOD OLD DAYS" I need to be reminded of this every time I miss him

[@peterc8021]

I’m 44 and have just realized my mom is a Narc. Life is good for her if my family stays on a string and she is the Puppet master. Everyone is supposed to jump to her every need. It’s exhausting. She acts like a 5 year old kid actually

[@rebeccabrandish3374]

Oh I'm aware of the whole puppet master thing. It's a family member-in law. The "puppet" has been described as a wuss and the puppet master's mouth piece, and so on

[@amylynn7881]

Dr. Ramini … I feel like you always know what I need to hear. Like you are my own personal therapist. Thank you for all of your content. ❤️

[@sugarpoultry]

She really has helped me heal so much.

[@ebonyjewel-star866]

My mom and my ex are presently doing this, trying to get back into my life without even an apology or an act of atonement. And I'm like wow. Especially my ex, they really want me to come back and be the good friend I was to them before I literally walked away and went no contact ten years ago. Incredibly and shockingly audacious. I think this Dr. Ramani video is a confirmation of all that I've been thinking. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[@chanel82593]

If anyone has a NERVE.. it’s a narc.

[@lillyfox2537]

10 years later?! Wtf

[@MotleyShrew-iz9ms]

Stay strong 💪 & Love the Life that Makes you feel safe, loved, and happy❤ ✨️

[@MotleyShrew-iz9ms]

​@@lillyfox2537Yes, 10 yrs later- this is not shocking with a NARC ---> much less with a NARC DUO-after the same person. Narcs are addicted to their victims, for without them, they have no consistent "narcissistic supply" . They NEED and Crave this supply on a daily baits to exert from their victim... else they cannot rest their unsettled minds to enjoy anything, eat, sleep, exist. The Mom here is actually USING and manipulating the Narc Ex into helping her try to reconnect with her daughter. & The Narc Ex is doing the same with the Mother! That ex being a narcissist is the only one who is on board with her manipulation of this person (&vice versa) bc they know they're manipulating this person as well they are each the only Ally the other one has because they both equally need their victim in order to function. They are both planning for this victim back in their lives to gain their daily narcissistic Supply because without them existing is so painful because a narcissist uses upsetting other people and they're upset reaction their tears there crying their pleading with them they use that as fuel to mask how much shame they have in their lives, there's always shame deeply rooted in a narcissist life and that Shane will go unspoken for eternity they will never ever ever admit what they have done they will never talk to anyone especially a therapist to try to get help because they will only lie and make excuses. They cannot own anything that they've said or done they will never admit to any wrongdoing

[@MotleyShrew-iz9ms]

10 yrs later- not at all shocking behavior with a NARC ---> much less with a Toxic venomous vindictive thirsty NARC DUO-after the same person- you sweetheart. Hard facts: Narcs are addicted to their victims, for without them, they have no consistent "narcissistic supply" . They NEED and Crave this supply on a daily baits to exert from their victim... else they cannot rest their unsettled minds to enjoy anything, eat, sleep, work, exist. Every waking moment is the fact that they have been rejected by their victim- they think they're so great that no one would refuse them anything. I say congratulations here bc you have them in a toxicity of their own design. I'm concerned for you that The Narc Mom here is actually USING and manipulating the Narc Ex into helping her try to reconnect with you & The Narc Ex is doing the same with the Mother! That ex being a narcissist is the only one who is on board with her manipulation of this person (&vice versa) bc they know they're manipulating this person as well they are each the only Ally the other one has because they both equally need their victim in order to function. They are both planning for you-their victim - to be back in their lives to gain their daily narcissistic Supply--' [they WILL GO RIGHT BACK TO THEIR GASLIGHTING & LIES, AND DEGRADING AND BAITING YOU INTO FIGHTS--- because without YOU, existing is so painful because a narcissist uses upsetting other people and they're upset reaction their tears there crying their pleading with them they use that as fuel to mask how much shame they have in their lives. KEY: There's always shame deeply rooted in a narcissists life and that Shame will go unspoken for eternity. they will never ever ever admit what they have done they will never talk to anyone especially a therapist to try to get help because they will only lie and make excuses. They cannot own anything that they've said or done they will never admit to any wrongdoing You STAY STRONG 💪 and Stay NO CONTACT. Block their #'s, or have your# changed. Let your friends and other family know not to give out your#. And be very very choosy of who you give your new number to that knows these two people

[@p.w.352]

With narcissists so much about their interactions with other people is transactional. In their mind it's logical that if they are ready to move on, the other person should be ready to move on too. And lacking empathy they can't or won't factor in their own accountability into that transaction.

[@blakematthews9608]

Coincidentally, I have been withdrawing myself emotionally from my marriage to my narc. Last night, she complained that I was chatting more to my friends than to her. I reminded her that she never displays interest in my life and rarely asks me, "How are you?" She got defensive, but doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[@tanyatheealchemist7481]

I married a narcissist and he belittle the shii outta me. When he did it in front of my family I realized he had no limitations and I was protecting his bad behavior. I finally divorced my twin flame and now I’m free. Finally smiling again, regained confidence, playing music 🎶 and all that… This year I met my soulmate and finally feel what true love 💕 is all about. If you want to be happy be with someone who gives you peace ☮️ not misery. It’s never to late. Pure hearts 🥰 deserves true love 💗

[@BooDotBoo]

I've noticed this, too. When you make connections outside of narcs, they start to get really weird about ANY time you spend with someone else. They'll accuse you of not talking to them enough anymore, not wanting to hang out or be around them anymore, or whatever else thing. Even when you're spending your normal amount of time with them OR you do invite them places, but because it's not a place they want to go (because you always have to do stuff they want to do), they decline, so you end up not spending time together. I had one who actually got mad at me for wanting to hang out with another friend rather than stay with her and hear her say nasty things about someone who is a mutual friend of ours. I honestly don't like talking negatively about people because my mother used to do it all the time when I was growing up, and I've told this person multiple times, yet they do it every time we do actually spend time together. Being around them is exhausting, honestly.

[@ottootis1]

This is especially true when the narc gives the non-apology apology. They think that atones for their behavior, when in reality they just said the words with no recognition of actual wrong doing. Therefore they think things will just automatically go back to 'normal', but you know they really don't get it and never will.

[@einstein63]

When he said, "What happened to the girl I married?", after I had wised up considerably and asked for a divorce.....I just laughed loudly and shook my head....what a piece of work!!!

[@Omneyvdwatering]

This hits home. I went less contact/gray rock with my mother. She and my father demanded it go back to normal or I was "losing them" my father told me to not wait too long in making up my mind, basically giving me an ultimatum. I went full no contact.

[@supernova11711]

👏👏👏

[@HaleyMary]

I was banned from visiting at my dad's house after an argument with his girlfriend who is in support of Putin. She watches Russia 1 and believes all the propaganda and calls Zelensky a nazi. My mom and I have cousins from Ukraine and my cousins tell me what went on there. I'm Ashkenazic Jewish and Latvian on my dad's side, I'm Ukrainian on my mom's side. Because his girlfriend believes she is right, I can't visit my dad's house because I told her she was ignorant. Apparently she took offense to this because she is the older one and how dare I tell her, an elder that she is ignorant and in the wrong. Even my mom says, she can't believe that my dad puts up with it. My dad doesn't even agree with what's going on in Ukraine, but he feels like he can't tell his girlfriend that. I think he wishes things could go back to normal like it was before the argument between myself and his girlfriend, but I don't feel like I could honestly apologize to her because my apology would be, I'm sorry you are so ignorant.

[@iquestion8493]

Yes, I had to go through the grieving period in order to even take care of myself.

[@lizmandelaine6863]

Still going through…keep up the good work you!

[@iquestion8493]

@lizmandelaine6863 thank you, you too.

[@sabrinaestrada3590]

Channels like these have given me so much validation. It's scary how they can make you feel like you're the crazy one.

[@blairepicadventures5144]

The narcissist is a pro at not stating verbally “let’s go back to the way things were” and instead uses threats, ultimatums, and intimidation to TRY to accomplish this. At least from my experience.

[@777Pattie]

My son-in-law does all that to my oldest daughter.

[@pyewacket7883]

Dr. Ramani, My Husband is one of three boys (son) of Narcissist Parents. My Husband is the "scapegoat" (middle son), the eldest son is the "invisible child", and the youngest son is the "golden child". As the wife of the "scapegoat" I am now the "co-scapegoat". The wife/ex-wife and now girlfriends of the "golden child" are golden. I would like you to explain how this dynamic carries into/onto the Spouses. Thank you.

[@aralmanni]

Now i understand why i couldn't go back even though my ex was dying to get me back. 2 years ago I didn't know that type of personality, thank God I kept firm on my decision to not go back

[@andnowyouknow3363]

*They lack the ability to put themselves in other people's shoes.* It's astonishing how they think they can impulsively say or do whatever and expect you to pretend their actions don't affect you. Like imagine your significant other being on a family vacation, surrounded by people and getting a lot of attention too, and then you hear them say to you "I feel happy without you and it is making me scared and confused". But it is YOU who is "the bad person" for not pretending they ever said those hurtful words, and also hold them accountable for it.

[@JamesNGames]

It's quite uncanny how a video discussing narcissistic behavior coincidentally appeared, and then last night, my significant other surprised me with an "I miss us" comment. It left me pondering, what exactly do you miss? Do you long for the times when I was manipulated, unquestioningly going along with the status quo and believing in the false image we portrayed? What specifically is it that you miss, considering I willingly took care of everything, cooking meals and maintaining a clean home without hesitation, while you sat there complaining and belittling my efforts to improve our lives? It's astonishing how they always yearn for a return to the way things were, as if reverting to that mentality would magically fix everything. However, it's crucial to acknowledge that returning to such a mindset won't resolve our issues; it's merely a part of their delusion. Interestingly enough, I find solace in the fact that these videos consistently appear during times when I am experiencing these situations, providing a sense of validation for what I am going through.

[@maggietrek69]

Wow…..I could have written that comment. 😮

[@johnnycorn7225]

Your phone is listening to everything around you, that's why related videos pop up.

[@danielland3767]

Same here...I could have wrote the same thing

[@KAT-dg6el]

They miss the control and power they had over us. When they figure out we’re standing our ground they’ll go find somebody new to torture.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

Yes, Professor Ramani is amazing. These videos are a godsend in difficult times. I have to remain steadfast until I am free one day.

[@daodejing81]

Wow, you spoke about what just happened, months ago. My mother was looking at old photos, she's 86. She wanted to start fresh. I said, in order for us to start fresh and not loop back into dysfunctional patterns, you need to come clean and be honest and truthful. Not a peep from her. She has an unrivaled antipathy for the truth. I asked one time recently to confirm for me if certain statements she made to me in the past were true or false. She texted me saying that she spoke to God and all was forgiven, 4 times she mentioned forgiveness, and she doesn't deal with the past, her words, and therefore it would be just a waste of time talking about it. Now, I never accused her of anything, just wanted to know if her statements were true or false, simple! Lots of fear and insecurity. I love her, but the only way out of the darkness is to step into the light.

[@daeclipse03]

I got out in 2 months. She started cheating and devaluing me towards the end of the second month. We were on and off every other week it felt like. I didnt know what a narcassist was at the time to understand that i had no choice but to walk away. Its crazy how hard it is to let these people go even with all the knowledge that you know its the only way to save yourself.

[@lilfairycupcake]

not knowing what their mental malfunctions are, how they operate, can be tormenting, but once you know you see everything w crystal clear vision.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

@@lilfairycupcake I finally know what is going on, yes.

[@SamanthaWho]

It's bizarre to me that they can realize the wrongs that they are doing to others and decide to evade accountability instead of simply changing. Who doesn't want to be a better human being?

[@Sullymelton19]

After realizing what Narcissism is, I find it actually can be worse when you seek help via therapy if the therapist isn't well versed with narcissism and narcissistic abuse. They tend to prolong the relationship and actually ends up invalidating the abuse you endured. I found the most help watching videos like this and from other therapist on KZbin who are knowledgeable about narcissism and then went no contact. It really is the only way.

[@Shardswords]

This insight is so important for those of us set off balance by these relationships. I was recently told that I found a therapist who would tell me what i wanted to hear and that’s why I am not sharing things with someone any longer. So wild. So disorienting. I’m in the phase, I think, of my eyes opening and there are days of disbelief this person i thought i wanted to be vulnerable with is not someone safe to do that with.

[@lilfairycupcake]

educate yourself, the more you know, the better you understand they are TOXIC. toxic to everything they come in contact with, including themselves.

[@lilfairycupcake]

@@KAT-dg6el counselors give advice based on what they think. A total waste of time, and money. Do your own thinking for yourself.

[@lizmandelaine6863]

I was told same, quite emphatically (angrily and accusingly), after having undertaken and done the work of many years in therapy.

[@BooDotBoo]

Wow, yes, that's what I heard when I started going to therapy and "changing". I was told that the therapist is just telling me what I want to hear and that they're going to blame everything that is wrong with me on the narc. We did talk a lot about the narc and why a lot of the things they did probably affect me now, but we don't spend whole sessions talking about the narc and how everything is their fault, like narcs think we do. We're working on me getting out of that place and those mindsets I was in and being "free" from the narc.

[@BooDotBoo]

@@lilfairycupcake Why are you in a space like this if you think this way? Kind of odd.

[@sassafras428]

I'm so happy and relieved to see a video like this. I went through the same bullshit with my narc-in-law. I confronted her about her behavior toward me and got assaulted by her because she couldn't handle the loss of control over my husband and I. He finally saw what I had been seeing and a week after that big blow up she acted like we were coming down for dinner. Her daughters got involved even though they have no idea about how their mother put a hand on me and the TRUTH. Their verbal abuse was just as bad, but again they expected Christmas presents from us. Nearly 5 years later we've been no contact and have an amazing happy and healthy marriage. Your happiness and health (physical, mental, etc.) are more important than a family that never cared about you OR your existence in the first place. The truth is your power and know the damage can no longer be done once you walk away and start to heal. It will take time, but you are stronger than you know!

[@manichairdo9265]

SUPERB.

[@baijeravlogsjeramyjuntado]

Been there. He always says he misses me, but his actions are different. He keeps calling and chatting other girls, and he doesn't deny it. He wants me to accpet him for who he is. It's toxic and disrespects me. It's not balance 😢

[@douglash.1268]

What a great channel. This lady is right on.

[@cindyhoenig6752]

My ex would frequently say that I was the one who changed, that women are the ones who change and decide they are unhappy, not the men. For a long while I lived in guilt and shame, that I was the one who caused the marriage to fall apart. As I move away from that position and heal, I now understand that he was gaslighting me and putting all the responsibility for the relationship on me (i.e. on women). I'm thankful for continued clarity, and each day is another one of freedom from my toxic marriage to a covert N. A reason to celebrate!

[@alexpeppa1750]

Now I have crossed the Rubicon, and nothing will bring me back (to the sick state I was and suffered). Thanks again Dr. Ramani. You have all my respect and my gratitude for the good work you do, helpin so many people struggling to cut the bonds with these ultra toxic people.

[@Buster-im5so]

I got stress migraines when I finally realized and accepted that my wife is a vulnerable narcissist over a year ago. I accept this and still have to deal with this everyday fakeness now that she's exposed. See, twenty years ago I hated coming home from work to 'nothing'. Now I know why and it doesn't make it any better.

[@lilfairycupcake]

i personally would leave her no matter what the cost.

[@Nat-oj2uc]

Yeah man leave her

[@alphamail8974]

Get your money right and LEAVE. If you wanna stay together for the kids, leave her the day after the kid's high-school graduation 😂 Or not. The sooner the better honestly

[@lilfairycupcake]

I lost everything, including my kids to rid myself of her nasty ass. No regrets.

[@sheribalsoma9778]

Dear Buster-im5so, What are you going to do about it? Wishing you the very best! WWG1WGA🌎WORLDWIDE ❤❤❤❤❤🇺🇸

[@Luckymillion96]

They frequently ask for " A fresh start"

[@aida6457]

I walked away from the toxic person in my life, and now I live my life in peace!

[@JDS37711]

Yes ma'am its like none of the thefts, abuses or humiliations ever happened for them.

[@vikrantpawar1]

Bingo! You hit the nail on its head!! "Let's get back to normal with no questions asked" is the expectation that is not only desired but very vocally demanded...

[@janiceborden1554]

Sad thing is they really expect things to go back and for people to get over it, they have no feelings so they expect you to have non either! It’s all Just a game!!!!!!!

[@savetrump9120]

They want things to go back to when everything was great for them and miserable for you. They dont care that you were not happy, that did not bother them at all.

[@philipdiorio6199]

Amen! Totally nailed it. I had a best friend of 50+ years say those exact words to me; "I just want things to go back to the way they were." At that moment my inner light burned brightly, and I saw clearly how the destructive force of (his) narcissism had sent our friendship to an untimely death. I have successfully grieved my loss, and have, with a light buoyant heart, moved on. There is no greater loss in life than one's own "self". Be whole, be healed, be blessed.

[@RonSafreed]

I had to evict a narc. younger brother because of criminal activity he got into & me & another brother have not been in contact with him in over 2 years!

[@nicolesiemens8727]

They'll say a phrase like this after a fight as well. I confronted the narc about following and flirting with tons of women online- and after about an hour long fight- he said, "let's just forget about this and move on." No apology. No empathy, or feeling guilty, or ANY indication that he would change. That was pretty much one of the last moments for me. I knew that he didn't care about anyone but himself in that moment- and he could care less about who he hurt in the process of getting whatever HE desired.

[@RonSafreed]

My narc. brother was the same way on me to forgive him on criminal activity & not pressing charges on a man who attempted to kill him with a knife!! He was stabbed & almost died & I saved his life & he lashed out at me!! His life has been one of ruin & failure!!

[@jarenkoelzer1994]

Once you are awoken to what this is, there's no going back.... thank God. You can't unsee it. I swear it's like the Matrix. I get, "you've changed." Yes, yes I have. Not my heart. Not the core me, the good things, but I now realize I matter. I'm NEVER going back from that.

[@CTHou13]

Dr. Romney. You are so insightful. I was in my narc relationship for eight years where I was oblivious to his tactics. I gave every bit of myself to the marriage to assure it’s success while receiving very little in return from him. Then tragedy struck. My son died. I needed my husband more than ever. That’s when I realized he was never really there. In the house, but like a ghost, not really there I remember one day when I was crying in my grief he walked by and told me to shut the F**k up and then told me he wanted things to go back to the way they used to be, that’s the day my eyes opened but I’ve not really been able to untangle this until I started watching your videos. Thank you for bringing clarity to my situation. It really helps me a lot.

[@AnderDoUrden]

You always teach us and guide us with amazing views on the subject... BUT THIS... this is IT. This is the key to everything. This awareness is pure gold for all of us victims of years of narcissistic abuse. I think it's also possibily one of the very few ways for the narcissist to understand if the other person means something to them. Cause if they insist in wanting you in their life even if you broke the cycle of constant supply, MAYBE there's a chance to cultivate or at least attempt a less toxic approach to the relationship (please forgive my English in case I said something wrong or difficult to understand, it's not my first language)

[@TheCagedCorvid]

This was the last straw for me, he wanted me to be who I was 20 years ago! Not just the naivety, the energy and the unconscious enabling, but my actual physical body! After all the years of stress, illness and of course just ageing, I could "get back there if I tried harder"... I think he realised that I finally truly 'saw' him when I called him out (for the first time) for staring at teenage girls (for the millionth time), so he lashed out. (Edited for grammar)

[@kurotoshironosenshi]

A lot of wisdom in this video. Thank you for bringing up this topic, Doc. The way I experienced this was the narcissist feeling the tectonic shift in the relationship and, as they always do, pointing out how it's all my fault, yet again, saying, "You used to round all the sharp corners in the beginning. Now you say some things on principle. I don't understand your attitude now." A narcissist will always have a problem with you not complying with who they expect and coerce you to be.

[@SGee1989]

I am about 3-weeks out from cutting ties with both narcissistic mother-in-law and sister in law! My wife GOD love her put down the boundaries of nope don’t want to see you! Still “baiting, hovering,” continues. Once my wife figured out there was triangulation happening with her mom putting us against each other-it was done! Games over! 13-years I have been a good wife and put up with things until I began getting SI! My wife’s eyes opened wide! No more! I turn to these videos for inspiration and ongoing support along with therapy! We can and will heal! Thanks Dr. R! ❤

[@OneStepToDeath420]

This video came just in time, lol. 35 years old and went no contact 4 years ago when I finally confronted my parents about all the emotional neglect when I visited them for dinner on a weekend. My mother went pale and immediately said things like "there must be something wrong with your memories","but you did this and that..." etc. Then she just stopped talking and stared at me for minutes without saying anything. Father was driving me home without saying a single word, too. I received some weak gas lighting messages during the 4 past years. Not even a single attempt to understand what I experienced or felt in my childhood. No apology at all. They just wanted me to pretend as if nothing has happened or changed. Now it gets crazy and messed up. They suddenly appeared at my apartment a few days ago and tried to pretend to be clueless about the reasons for why I went no contact. I immediately blocked their bs excuses and suddenly my mother just said "I have cancer". I looked at her and she really looked sick and confused/angry. Lost a lot of weight, too. She couldn't even talk full coherent sentences anymore. Then she walked away, back to their car. Father told me that she suddenly said that she has cancer 2 years ago and he can't force her to go to the doctor since. He says he doesn't know of any doctor appointment where they told her about having cancer. He thinks she might have some kind of alzheimer/dementia. Everything about their stories feels fishy to me, like many parts are missing and now it's on me to spend energy on it to find out what's going on. I spent the past few years "reverse engineering" my whole life, learning about philosophy, my behaviors, the reasons for my strong and confused emotions etc. Found out I had adhd all the time and even may be on the spectrum. My parents still don't really want to hear about all that. It's hard, because I thought I had an incredible and warm childhood for a long time. There are many good/warm memories. And I know they did much better than their parents, especially my mother, who might also have adhd, lost her mother at 16 years old, drunken father and so on. I love her, but the damage still has been done and I'm a different person now. Their communication skills are so terrible. My emotions are currently all over the place, especially jumping between guilt/pity and "f*** them"

[@alphamail8974]

Instead of "guilt" and "fck them"... Let's find a happy medium! How about "I'm doing this for me, because this is what's best for me. It's not because I hate them (because I don't), it's because I love myself! You got this! If you have insurance (or not), look for a good therapist and they can give you more tools to cope. Good luck 💖

[@OneStepToDeath420]

@@kimlarso wow, so much gaslighting. After being diagnosed at my late 20s, I actually realized that I interpreted everything the right way all along in my childhood, lol. Not the other way around, like you want to tell me.

[@kimlarso]

@@OneStepToDeath420 wish u nothing but the best…..just know memories aren’t very reliable and there’s 2 other people in this story so there’s his truth, her truth and your truth …..and may we never forget that Feelings aren’t Facts! Was only hoping you reconsider your feelings vs the facts in regards to one of the most important relationships of your life before it’s too late! Perhaps invite your parents to a therapy session?! Wish you the Best! 💚

[@amberinthemist7912]

Narcs absolutely love to play sick to hoover you back in. Don't fall for it. They are energy vampires and they feed on sending you on wild goose chases to figure out their problems for them while you waste your time and efforts that should be directed towards your own life. Stay strong don't get sucked back in.

[@amberinthemist7912]

​@kimlarso6363 let me guess your adult children cut you off? You seem to have wandered into the wrong comment section. We don't need your victim blaming and gaslighting here.

[@kriswinters4225]

Thank you for this. I had an unwanted contact attempt a few weeks back, and it was extremely triggering. Hearing the affirmation here that "the way it was" was dehumanizing subservience is exactly what I needed today to keep moving forward and reminding myself that keeping No Contact is what's keeping me sane and treating myself as a complete human who is not a pet, a punching bag, a showdog, or anybody's property anymore.

[@christinehayes1475]

You're right, once I learned about narcissistic abuse I watched and learned more and more. It was me changing then. This episode reminds me of my situation. Now free 5 years and finally enjoying my life that I deserve. Thanks Dr. Ramini for educating all of us on this horrible abuse.

[@AM-cv9fi]

"why can't we go back to the way things were" was the exact phrase my father told me when I said the only way we might start talking again was if he apologized. Told him that was his last chance. He blew it. Been NC for almost 15yrs now

[@twinmomma2011]

Before I found the way out of the relationship I thought I was stuck so I tried Grey rock. After a while he started asking me if I was depressed because he wasn't getting reactions out of me.

[@nicj5354]

Once You realize that they are actually toddlers in an adult body you can NEVER go back to believing they're a full grown adult. They fooled you for a while, but once you see it - there's no unseeing it.

[@SigmaEmpataLevante]

Things are not going back, I’m so done! Sure it is audacity to expect other way around!

[@popechucky]

Sadly, my 70+ years old mother has NEVER understood her ‘acid tongue’ created wounds that never heal, and she never understands how her actions can’t just be ‘forgotten’… Another reason I don’t move back to assist them in their old age… I will not return to an environment I needed drugs, and alcohol to deal with… 8 years off scotch, and I’ll NEVER go back

[@carolynjaynes9094]

They act like nothing ever happened. What a mind game!

[@catimonster]

Over two decades ago the relationship ended with my ex. We lived together for 7 years and during that time I learned he lied excessively. When we were buying a house together he began to pull away but used the excuse that he was working all the time. Then he came to me to tell me he was struggling with ptsd from childhood abuse and needed to move out for a little while to work with a therapist to heal, and then he’d move back in. Fast forward about 3-4 months of him living in an apartment and coming around very rarely, but keeping up the story he fabricated. In actuality he got an apartment so his 16 year old gf could live with him. He was 29. Once I put all the pieces together it was totally over. He came back and was acting like nothing had happened. I asked him what did he think would happen because he lied about everything and was living with a child. He said something like “I just thought that once I was done with her I could move back in and everything could be like before”. I remember looking at him like he had two heads.

[@777Pattie]

OMG the self entitlement narcissistic people have is freaking unbelievable.

[@monasantos3346]

Yesss my X and I were going to a celebrate recovery program for our han ups, etc and it worked for me. He told me he wished I was still co-dependent. He wasnt happy that I was getting healthy. Thank God that He opened my eyes!

[@lasphynge8001]

When I went no-contact with my father, I did so through one last email to at least let him know and give my reasons. I didn't expect much if any response, I did it to be at peace with myself and the thought that at least I had the courtesy of leaving him with an explanation. But within half an hour, I received his hastily written reaction. He denied everything I said about how he treated me, of course, and added that weird bit about how he didn't know "who is this person who took his daughter's place" and wanted nothing to do with them, but if his real daughter were to return, he'd recognize her and welcome her back. That's very compelling evidence that narcissists literally don't see you for who you are, or don't see you at all, they live with imaginary versions of you that serve them and you only sort of matter when you play along with that script. If you act in any way that doesn't suit them, you're somebody else, you're not real, you're your evil twin, your alternate dimension doppelganger or something. And in the same time, of course, in their reality, that means they don't ever need to change a single thing. Honestly, it just cemented my confidence in my decision to give up on this lost cause.

[@amberinthemist7912]

I have always felt that my parents loved a cardboard cutout of me which they projected their preferred version of myself onto. But it's never been the real me.

[@Emily_Paris]

This is why I didn’t go back. He proved over and over things would never change. He doesn’t take accountability for his actions.

[@kathyhansen2820]

It amazes me that the narcissist can be so apparently evil and expect their victims to simply forgive and forget. Not only is that evil but it shows continued abuse. It's insulting.

[@attempted_realist]

I've been learning so much about my MIL's toxic behaviors through these videos. Thank you.

[@ganeden8442]

I met my ex-husband again after more than one and a half years. He cried, hugged me... and the second time we met, he could not refrain from telling me that I don't know how to cook... then I remembered what it was like to be married. That was my wake-up call!

[@kristischark5590]

That’s the epiphany we all need to come to: “There are no good ol’ days.” Thank you, Dr. Ramani.

[@RM-qq5rj]

You nailed it! It's like you were there describing an exact interaction with my boss last week where he talked at me for 3 hours about how it "used to be" and he wants it to "go back like before" - before I started learning about narcissism and grayrocking him or avoiding him as much as possible. Yet he couldn't give any concrete details other than "you don't tell me anything about yourself anymore". He couldn't recall anything other than generic topics i actually have told him back before i learned he wasn't a safe person to tell things to and learned that everything was all about him and he couldn't give me any empathy, control his criticism, or even remember important things I told him if it wasn't about him (whether a perceived slight that made him fly off the handle, or a compliment).

[@Rayedrgn02]

I went no contact after a nasty argument. The narcissist weaponized my vulnerabilities and that proved to me in that moment they didn't care. They didn't care how much it hurt me to say it they just impulsively blurted out words that were nasty and they knew it would hurt, she also did not hesitate to twist the knife a COUPLE of times afterward and then wanted a apology from me, which I have already given her but that is not enough. I no longer want to be friends with this person and they are now telling me that I am overreacting. I have continued to keep my distance and now it is escalating to the point of her force giving gifts and just becoming an overall pest.

[@lynnemccully6014]

Thank you for this video, Dr Ramani, it's making sense of all the weird texts I got from my narc ex friend. It was as if nothing had happened. My silence tortured her.

[@Cat-oj4oz]

This video could not have come at a better time. I live in the wildfire zone and my narc-mom lives in the Hurricane zone... If ever there was a time I felt pressured to call it's now... to see if she's okay and to let her know I'm okay. But you know, just thinking about contacting her makes me physically sick... not from fear, but from opening Pandora's box. All my hard work would go down the drain. Thank you...

[@teresaconnelly4654]

That's tough ... I'm glad you're ok.

[@MusicOfMelodyK]

Very true! I have experienced this and narcissists don’t change because they don’t grow. They are stuck at the same time period of the trauma they experienced…