Narcissists & their victim mentality

[@youngblood8540]

One of the allegations narcissists make against survivors, is that they accuse survivors of being disrespectful.

[@berlizgonzalez6736]

My ex husband accuses me of belittling him. I finally understand what he means, it's every time I disagree with him, dint praise him, express my own opinions and speak up. Mostly when I hold him accountable.

[@elcee7800]

Right. Are we supposed to be *respectful* to the narcissist treatment?

[@teresadvorak6145]

That must be part of there grandiose entitlement & fake superiority

[@jori7398]

I got called a bully and disrespectful when I would stick up for myself. Then I gave up and left.

[@inhisgrip7172]

Always Always Always

[@susanlewis1875]

To a narcissist, a fair outcome is one that favors them. Period.

[@evakotackova3535]

Sometimes I'm not sure who is worse....the narcissist or all the enablers.

[@tallonhunter3663]

Yes. Remove both groups if able.

[@justlivinglife465]

You know, I’ve thought about this too and the enablers can be worse (unless they really are scared). I have no respect for people who are that easily manipulated, just being honest. Like the coworker who decided to believe I was “jealous of her” despite never having felt like that, nor given any indication of negative feelings about her for years. In fact I always tried to be friends with her. I just don’t get it. The narcissist shows up and suddenly people forget what’s real.

[@evakotackova3535]

@@justlivinglife465 I agree, 100% 👍

[@priyankaramani5399]

True😂😂

[@aldelgado9343]

Enablers makes the narcisist stronger

[@mthomas3547]

Just recently, the enabler said to me (about their narcissist), "They've had a hard life!" This was said in response to my backing away from a toxic relationship with this person. I just couldn't handle the constant gripes, but more importantly, their inability to have a mutual relationship. When one person has to make it always about them, there's no room for anyone else.

[@thenativeconservationist]

Same here. They’re blaming the narcs mental health on me that he is stressed etc. Wow wow

[@TawnyC_]

I hate when others make excuses for the narcissist. Like their feelings matter and yours don't. Trying to make you feel sorry for them and not even care about yourself.

[@CindyLivingstone-sq9zq]

Agreed. I realized I was working way harder at our sibling relationship then they were. It was exhausting. I could no longer do it.

[@markomeker7789]

I delt with this phenomenon both in my family and romantic relationships. There was always an excuse for my father's behavior because he was an orphan as a child. So we tolerated his aggression and manipulation pretty much all our lifes. I experienced similar in couple romantic relationships. Being manipulated in a way that I always didn't say or do the right thing by that person so we could make everything in relationship about her wants and needs. Whatever I did and I really tried to do and be better and more patient and loving. Somehow it was never enough and every week there was another protest by that person on my behavior. Things I said or didn't say. Did or didn't do.

[@clarecollins2547]

This has happened to me too! Despite them knowing about the sad childhood I had!

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

My ex constantly played victim. Everything was a conspiracy against him. It was galling and pathetic to witness.

[@leilagomulka5690]

Spot on. And it’s really hard not to go into empathy mode when they are the victims. It’s empathy exploitation.

[@fashionforwarddd]

Empathy exploitation is such a good term and yes that is exactly how narcissists move through the world

[@theninth5691]

I am losing my empathy lol

[@Maxry-v2y]

I start out pointing my misery 😂

[@captaint1180]

But what about those that are truly victims of crappy things like trauma or abuse?

[@madfoxcityemnau6414]

Ikr? Well boo hoo I'm all out of Kleenex. Don't look back honey! 🙂💪🙏

[@lissysue]

OMG!! This happened more times than I can count!! I found myself constantly trying to help him feel better at my expense. The realization of what my life was like for over 10 years is like a punch in the gut!

[@ladyggsmith3261]

I found myself constantly trying to help him feel better YOU ARE NOT HIS THERAPIST .. OR ANYONE THERAPIST ,.. you get into a relationship to be a girlfriend or a wife ... NOT HIS FREAKING THERAPIST .. he needs find a therapist and it is not your job .... RUN if you see yourself trying fix a person ,. it is unhealthy .

[@lissysue]

I went no contact about 7 months ago. Still working through the process of grief and loss and coming to terms with the fact he’s not who I thought he was in the beginning.

[@bucii01]

Same story and yrs for me. I hope you are doing better. I am 2 and half months of their sudden departure.

[@rmzang]

Typical school-yard bully when the kid being brutalized finally REACTS and defends themselves. Then, the school gets involved, but not when they were being told repeatedly that the victim was being bullied. Bullshit.

[@joshuaanzalone2060]

Total bs

[@susie2366]

Exactly!

[@LSMH528Hz]

I usually wonder about school shootings and such. Not talking about drillrapper gangsta criminal shootings. But sometime's I can't help thinking some people bullied someone too far... And then when the tragedy occurs their all victims...

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes😊😊😊

[@RaefonB]

@@LSMH528Hz That's a really interesting theory. I was badly bullied through secondary school, but getting rid of my bullies by massacre is not something that ever occurred or appealed to me! The thought of just one innocent person getting hurt in the crossfire would have been enough to stop me, even if I had wanted to attack the school. For someone to not care at all, to act in extreme violence purely on impulsive rage, and then only care about how it impacts on them...some of them might be young narcissists, you could be right. (Some others might be more like sociopaths/psychopaths, I'm not qualified to speculate.) But interesting...

[@Username74-b8h]

Thanks to you, I consider myself the luckiest person who'd been through narcissistic relationships. You have no idea how your work saved me and still is saving me. You have been a very important part of my life since I've watched you 3 years ago. Now I'm talking two of your healing courses and literally slept to last nights live session. Thank you so much, and keep saving lives.

[@mgb7140]

No, no, no! I'm the luckiest! Well, okay. Dr. Ramani has helped and saved so many of us. I'm glad you made it.

[@Username74-b8h]

@@mgb7140 I'm glad you did too ☺

[@randomactsofhugs]

100 % all of your stories is my story as well. Just under 10 years asked him to leave he went on a rant every night for 6 to 8 hours trying to darvo coerce me into letting him stay.He even brought restraining order paper work home and threatened to have the police come and remove me from my house if i wasnt nice to him . He wouldnt let me read those papers of course. Threatened to kill me my twin and mom for turning me against him. My son he was going to shove his fist down his throat breaking his teeth because he ruined our relationship. Because i let him move in with us. Said my son was constantly stealing from him with any friends son had over. Was wanting me to choose between my son or him. Myson stopped having anyone come over didnt hardly leave his room except to go to kitchen or bathroom. For about a year. Every morning the man would sit at computer right by sons wall and bitch how son had snuck in to our room and stoled from him . I sat up every night and watched over the man making sure nothing was going on. I did use bathroom quickly once in a while. Noone came in our bedroom. After almost a year of this torture i told son he was 18 you need to get a job or move out he got a job and moved out. Im so sorry that i let that abuse happen to himand me as well. So about a year later man didnt change still blamed our problems on me letting son move in i said "He's been gone a year nothing has changed you need to go!" I got a restraining order on him after the 5th or 6 th night of coercing he said he was going to call police i said go ahead . I had got the order that afernoon not told him yet he didnt and kept threatening me he told me call the police so i called them and told him about the order they came and walked him out. 3 months later the judge dropped it because there was no phycical abuse.he wanted to move back in i said no way thank god he didnt ive been packing stuff all the house stuff is out side i thought he took it but most is in garage still double car garage and shop packed full of his stuff blah blah blah blah . Now he says ive been withholding his life long possesions. Hes had since december to get it couple thousand $ later for lawyer advive and letters to get his stuff my moms going to hire hunks for junk 1st of august to haul it to dump. Im sure he will blame me and t r y to sue me and my mom . Im so greatful for my family and life. I dont sleep much thinking hes in the house or outside. Its getting a little easier. Sorry to have vomited on this post. Airhugs of positive loving energy to you all.

[@codybell6882]

Yep I just found her now while im going through the hardest breakup of my life and I cannot believe how much she has helped me. Honestly her videos have completely changed my point of view and it feels so relieving to actually deal with the situation.

[@danielledegeorge2129]

Exactly! Dr. Ramani is my therapist that I'm so grateful for! I wouldn't have understand narc behavior without her. Thank you Dr. R from the bottom of my heart!!!

[@crawlspaceninja2]

You are the best. I come from a huge family of narcissists. I just got engaged to a wonderful man and welcomed our first son however his mother and sister are narcissists. Whenever I have to interact with them I come to you to stay level headed, protect my son and be a source of support for my fiance.

[@ladyggsmith3261]

his mother and sister are narcissists no contact ,... protect yourself ..

[@yuu_miran]

Your fiance should also go no contact for his new family sake, or maybe he doesnt know about narcissism or doesnt feel bothered by them? Whats his stance on their behaviour?

[@Truthteller1s]

The shape shifting is why it's so important to go no contact. I fell for this trick for many years before I found out about all the cheating. No contact doesn't allow them to trick you.

[@TropicalRedFlower]

They accuse you of everything they are or of everything you have ever called them out for. It's so ridiculous it's even funny 😂

[@samanthamansi1184]

Yes 😅😅

[@emmarae4322]

Yep. I reached the absurdity level with my ex. 😂

[@BL-sd2qw]

It is

[@ananunes2078]

OMG it is exactly like that, I thought I was going crazy but it seems he really is the crazy one....!!!!!

[@TR-ru7tb]

Projection

[@reiningreminic]

Walking on eggshells, being dismissed or scoffed at, then when he feels I'm on the out switches to super helpful then sullen then victimised.... and then (I'm currently waiting for it) rage.

[@renuchhawal9875]

My mum , my mum in law , and now me , I see this victim hood bullying patterns in us , and it’s so toxic for the ones who genuinely love us . Now I must decide to break this cycle . I do not want to pass this onto my children . Thank You 🌿

[@susie2366]

That bully/victim scenario just played out at a board meeting I attended. Everyone is so afraid of upsetting this person. I pressed for others to be able to have a say in a group project… and wham! Anger, fake crying… “You don’t know what I’m going through!” She quickly gathered up her things and slammed the door on the way out. Then people ran after her to make sure that she was “safe to drive”. Ridiculous. I have zero ability to placate narcissists in my life anymore.

[@M_SC]

This advice is good for non narcissists too.

[@CynthiaPerez-xd5oq]

They see themselves as treated unfairly and deserving of better, yet they see their victims as lesser and undeserving of basic respect, dignity, or even an opinion.

[@IQTech61]

When I lost a partner to death by suicide, I took to writing down one positive thought per day. I kept the cards in a gratitude jar. On New Year's Day, I read through the cards and then made a bonfire of the cards. It really helped. It helped me see how fortunate I actually am.

[@Aye_pepitoo1789]

Wow good for you

[@marylowe7135]

Love this idea!! Thanks for sharing!

[@stupensardi2783]

What a great idea.... well done you ❣️

[@danielledegeorge2129]

Thank you! I lost my best friend to suicide last year and don't know how to cope. This sounds like an excellent way of coping. But I think I'm going to date and keep the cards.

[@mpumelelofakudze8726]

My own mother had narcissistic traits, the victimhood was her tool always. I found myself attracted to women with the same character, until i started following Dr Ramani i am now empowered. I can now see these red flags; people who are never satisfied or happy about life or anything about/ around them, you have to keep on being there for them showing support yet they never consider your emotional needs and only using their situation as an excuse. It is really exhausting to be with them yet addictive.

[@AnnmarieKeim-vw7ll]

That my family narcissists we're so good at playing the victim made it hard for me to escape some awful abuse. The thing that helped me most was realizing life was not fair and knowing how much other people were suffering.

[@GreeneChakra]

Yesss Me too Thank You MP!

[@sherriflemming3218]

Attached by Amir Levine and Emotional Intimacy is an excellent resources. Attachment styles effect how someone behaves in relationships. The Hoffman Process is for healing childhood trauma. Everyone has been wounded in one way or another. Focus on personal development and recovery. A motto for everyone: Do no harm.

[@LSMH528Hz]

This is why I personally dread people who seek relationships with people exactly like their parents.

[@sherriflemming3218]

@@AnnmarieKeim-vw7ll It's a fundamental truth for everyone regardless of income. Life is inherently unfair. Everyone will deal with malevolence, trauma and losses. No one is coming to save you. You've got to save yourself. There is victimhood or victor consciousness. Accepting ownership is emotional maturity. We're all a common denominator in our relationships.

[@remembereasyful]

“I’m sure you’ll just go play the victim like you always do,” said the narcissist during the discarding. A projection, seen clearly. Part of my victor not a victim narrative is in realizing the narcissist was a liar, & nothing I saw them as was real. They are not the false impressions they gave me.

[@valf2886]

The complaining, the capacity to create problems or invent them with that and the cheap excuses... The ease of all of it when they believe that what they do goes unnoticed... By the way, I have been watching a lot about the subject and it turned into a habit: thank you for the insight and help.

[@Bike4Life231]

When the ACTUAL victim explains to the narcissist that she needs help around the house and with the kids instead of shouldering literally everything and tells the narc that marriage is supposed to be a partnership... he responds, "well, sometimes life just isn't fair". A few months later I filed for divorce. I get that life isn't fair, but actively playing the victim while treating your spouse like a slave is complete BS.

[@brandieSlaugh]

congratulations, I hope you are finding all of the happiness!

[@sandracaezza7234]

I’m finding the work around the home inside & outside is so much easier not carrying around the resentment they bring. I’m 72 yo , divorce papers signed, after 24 yrs of marriage I have options. Women are not putting up anymore 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[@kathrynsneed2133]

This is where I'm at . It's an awful life to live.

[@chercare8063]

I found out way to late in my marriage about these type of people who love to emotionally abuse you in order to get out since we have a handicapped child who we are supporting and he never wanted me to work outside the home in order to "financially keep me in my place" which was advice from the men in his family, and we've been married 60 years!

[@dyanberg6263]

It has been 31 years of freedom from his toxicity . Our children still deal with him. I have taught them a tool kit of surviving him. They are starting off better than I did because of what I learnt and taught . They are all around , might as well learn how to deal with them. I don’t have another planet to run to .

[@EleanorCawley]

This is what’s happening with the narcissist in my family. Threatening suicide, saying ‘why me’, etc, called police on the threats and continue the ‘no contact.’

[@ladyggsmith3261]

Threatening suicide that emotional blackmail and you need have no contact .. and if they did hurt themselves that is NOT YOUR FAULT ,.. you are not responsible for anyone's life ,. including family!!!! Emotional blackmail is a dysfunctional form of manipulation where the blackmailer uses your feelings to control your behavior or influence you for their self-interest.

[@VickiBee]

Mine actually DID try to kill herself; unfortunately, she almost succeeded and had a real incident that caused her to do it. My mom was also a narcissist and blamed it on me not wanting to talk to my mom for why it happened. My sister tried to kill herself bc of a horrific crime that had been committed against her by a "psychiatrist/hypnotist" but my mom blamed it on me. It was practically a crime against humanity but he got out of the country before police could stop him.

[@EleanorCawley]

@@VickiBee I hope that she gets the help that she so very much needs. Her issues maybe so much more then narcissism. Mine tried to call in the flying monkeys to get them to reel me in. While I couldn’t ignore threats of suicide and called in the authorities, based on my past experiences, I felt that this was all to get me back under spell. Absolutely requires some type of follow up, but I must maintain ‘no contact.’ Family notifies me of any issues.

[@allefranz9031]

I think threatening to commit suicide because you will not give into a demand is very perverse. It's emotional exploitation, most people will start to experience guilt for an action that is not their own and will scramble to meet whatever expectation they want from a person to get their way. It's a maladaptive strategy that some people have and it seems like a giant trump card to the person pulling it. It's almost like people will threaten suicide but not actually go through it because they are waiting for how you respond to that. They do not even think about how threatening to commit suicide emotionally impacts the other person they say it to. It can be hard to tell if someone is serious or if it's just a plea for attention. They might think that people have a genuine obligation to prevent them from committing suicide. I think it's a really messed up way to see how much somebody might care about them and that is not a healthy strategy. I just had a family member pull this on me after insulting me and then pulled the suicide trump card. I am not sure if it is normal for a person that if you truly need the emotional support from a person that you would insult them. This happened after they insulted me and then attempted to gaslight me over the insults. I have dealt with another person being truly suicidal and they were in such a state that they did not ever once insult me or another person they reached out to. Luckily I intervened along with someone else and we were able to prevent the suicidal person from dying. He ended up receiving medical care and his parents were very grateful we got emergency services involved. So I honestly think if a person is in such a state where if they want to commit suicide, that the person is so low in whatever energy that person has left that they would not insult anyone because they feel like total garbage. I think if a person is about to commit suicide, they already got over that hump of anger at the world and might even experience a sense of calm before they kill themselves. They are already resigned to throwing their life away.

[@terrysmith1914]

​@@VickiBeesorry to hear about all that

[@larachaplauske8818]

Thank you so much for doing this, you absolutely wonderful woman! I'm 54, and your videos have helped me finally figure out how to protect myself in the future. I really feel like once I extricate myself from the current (AND LAST) narcissist, I won't get involved with another one. Every one of my long term relationships have been with one flavor of narcissist or another. I'm done. I've been binging these videos and just soaking up the validation. You're amazing ❤.

[@danielledegeorge2129]

Dr. R ia a beautiful wonderful woman! It makes me beam knowing how many of us she's helped!!! You got this! Keep watching her and learning and you'll never be blind to a narcissist ever again!!!! God bless!

[@plusone8015]

If you help one narcissist become non-toxic you are an alchemist ❤

[@carolynkepler2826]

My oldest brother is the biggest victim of them all. He bullied me mercilessly when I was a young teenager. Everyone defended him because he had lost his father at the age of 8. My other brother and I also lost our father but somehow it didn’t affect us at all. I haven’t seen my oldest brother in 10 years and never will.

[@SafiaGray]

Sad, but necessary

[@GreeneChakra]

Wow, different Fathers- Different People.

[@GreeneChakra]

My Oldest had a Different Father, and Bullied my Other Brother with the same Father as Me and then after then My Younger Brother started Bullying me.. It’s because of the Fact that Mom Moved on to someone New and little Men, become territorial. So he resented you for being born from another Man that wasn’t his Father.. The Abuse was passed down to me- the Only Girl.. so it was that.

[@LSMH528Hz]

Everybody around him taught him that being a "victim" allows bad behavior. Toxic people who made a bad thing even worse.

[@drjfs]

They like doing this garbage when you're alone with them. Yep, it's like dealing with a 3 year old that cannot understand their role on how their words affect others. But they're so good at blaming everyone else but themselves for the consequences of their actions and words. It's difficult to understand how they cannot see this. Very odd self-awareness deficit. It's infuriating. I'm so done.

[@amandaa2119]

Thank you for your help Dr. Ramani.

[@paulad.4578]

I heard someone on another video say, "Instead of looking at life as happening TO you, see it as life happening FOR you." Sounds like a similar idea. ❤

[@TheBumblebeefy1]

This is a very smart lady!

[@CindyLivingstone-sq9zq]

I have a narcissist in my family. After trying to set boundaries and doing some other techniques I had to go full no contact. He wrote a massive victim bullying letter using phrases like: “Hey, I’ll be the bad guy, whatever you need.” Or “We both know…” or “another slap to my face.” Or “We’re all to blame here.” He also went into great detail about how much he had been through and how terrible life had been for him. I decided not to rescue him as was the customary family reaction. It was hard not to reach out because I want peace and harmony but it will never be that way unless he takes responsibility for his own life, feelings and thought processes. The truly unfortunate thing is that I can not have a relationship with my young nephews. He also used his sons as a tool to manipulate. “My kids have never done anything bad to you…” (we had gotten in trouble for sending his three boys Christmas cards and gifts, when he sent a message to us and we didn’t respond right away he went off on us). Then came the: obviously you two can’t even be adult enough to communicate about things like gifts.” *sigh* I listen to these videos to remind myself that nothing will change and I am not responsible for his actions. I also went through his emails and broke down each narcissistic statement for what it was. Every statement he made was narcissistic. It was astonishing. :(

[@lelduck6388]

I’m so glad you’re free from that now

[@ellieramseyer2291]

No one should have sympathy for the devil...

[@LSMH528Hz]

Unless you're a rolling stone, "hope you guess my name"

[@joshuaanzalone2060]

I damn sure don't ellie

[@jj1985vid]

Thank you for such a comprehensive analysis of victimhood! Although as people targeted by narcissists we experience the characteristic behaviors that go along with that personality style on the regular, it is absolutely critical to be reminded of the manipulative insanity just as frequently in order to survive it. Words alone cannot express how grateful I am for you Dr. Ramani!

[@prudentsage]

42:35 Doctor Ramani's cat just looked at me straight into my soul 😼👀

[@thatsalt1560]

Haha! Exactly this happened with the family narcissist today. She's not interesting in changing, though. She's perfect, humble and the victim of us taking one hour away from home to visit a nice place today. We never go anywhere because of her. After years of helping and sacrificing for her I thought we deserved an hour, but no.

[@LMLewis]

This is a wonderful presentation that will be helpful to many people!

[@dianatenney7821]

I agree it will also! The victim mentality isn't healthy and gets tiresome to hear too.

[@kiv_daniels]

Life isn’t fair but some things can be controlled for example how we treat people. My family looks so perfect from the outside you wouldn’t even realize until you’re the scapegoat. Being in a family where I’m the scapegoat, because I’m the youngest and supposed to be pushed around, it’s difficult. The narcissist and flying monkeys make you ask yourself if you’re the problem.

[@reneehouser2925]

You're not the problem ☺️

[@sherriflemming3218]

People wear a social mask . (Outsiders) You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. All families are fractured and dysfunctional in one way or another. Adults choose their family. Each child is parented differently. Toxic Parents and Toxic Families by Susan Forward, are excellent books.

[@braingamesballsortgame718]

It is exactly similar in my birth family too. My sister is a covert narcissist who has malignant narcissist tendencies too of enjoying the sadistic pleasure after inflicting emotional pain on her close family members and relatives. My mother acknowledges her wrong behaviour even though my mom does not know these above psychology terms, but she is one of the biggest enabler. Shameless enabler to state the fact because she says she don't want to face her rage so she won't help my sisters husband who is getting tortured emotionally and was asking some help to my mother asking why her daughter does these awful things and my mom refused to help me too when I was being tortured. But, she only gives validation that my sister does these awful things but she won't confront her. In our childhood also, due to her enabling and spoiling my sister too much, she has been emboldened in her narcissistic behaviour and now at 45 she has become unstoppable and supremely cunning enough to abuse and torture one victim at a time behind closed doors covertly so that even others won't notice that. Narcissists are evil and pain to be around but these enablers are more characterless and sickening 🙄🙄

[@andydufresne8034]

I’m a fixer who is always analyzing what is wrong with things so I can figure out how to fix them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told “stop complaining” when I’m thinking out loud about a problem. It took me forever to realize that some people get told “stop complaining” so often that they think it’s a rule of society and nobody is allowed to complain about anything, except them of course. And since they can’t understand any perspective outside their own, they mistake my troubleshooting for complaining. What really bugs me is how they’ve trained society to think like this so that I can’t simply troubleshoot problems or explain myself in misunderstandings without most people interrupting me and accusing me of being a complainer when the complete opposite is true and I let nothing hold me back in life and count my blessings every moment of every day. If I can complain for a moment, it is SO hard being an optimist and altruist in a society so corrupted by narcissistic thinking. Counting your blessings is the key to happiness. All you have to do is look at wild animals and realize they have no roof over their heads, no fast food, and no doctors to heal them when they get hurt. Or look at history and imagine having been born in a time before indoor plumbing and having to use an outhouse, or any of the other endless inconvieniences of life before the wonders of our time. Realize that the satisfaction of achievement is rooted in what you had to overcome to get there and there is little satisfaction in getting prizes you didn't have to sacrifice and strive for. And ask yourself how much you are the cause of your own problems, like people who complain about "chronic pain" but fail to realize they're causing that pain with unhealthy habits. Or those who accuse others of having a bad attitude and being mean because they can't admit that they draw justifiable anger out of others with their own terrible behavior.

[@LSMH528Hz]

Narcissists don't think they need to be "fixed", to them, you are.

[@totonow6955]

Andy, I understand the feeling. I think it goes to the root of how our culture is organized and the need for moving into sustainable, equitable future. If you want to fix that then courage - full steam ahead. We are going to need it. Are you political in the broad sense of the word? ( not D and R sense )

[@lxraycatmaui2884]

Trying to comfort, cheer up, inspire and explain how things really ARE good gets me a nasty condescending retort, or an eye roll and a wave of angry energy and shows me Im wasting my efforts. If he would actually Participate and be my partner instead of a huge bully baby, our Life together WOULD be Better. LOL, I Know I can never get my cats to do those dishes......thank you Dr R

[@MicheleAmbrose]

Thank you

[@MicheleAmbrose]

You're trying to inspire a narcissist. They reject that!👍

[@chayo4537]

He sounds feminine

[@saraadams9518]

Ironically, the narcissist in my life, my now deceased mother (died January of this year), stopped all communication with me because I was assigned the title "emotional bully." So laughable. No introspective capabilities.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Accepting ownership is emotional maturity. Victor consciousness. An apology is changed behavior.

[@saraadams9518]

PERFECTION. This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Sincerely, I thank you, Dr. XX

[@sueware8377]

You are Amazing, Dr. Ramani....very good video as usual and much needed, always! Thank you!

[@lisagrimes4801]

I was assaulted last night and received 6 stitches in my eye. I’m trying to get out immediately but do not have housing at this moment. I cannot stand the continual rage and ranting. She shoved me in a corner and kicked my cat. She broke my door. The police have talked to me at the end of the street and filed a report. I did not know this but she has felonious assault on her record. I’m terrified. She’s been screaming since last night. This is all over a spoon that I used to feed my cat.

[@mapleleaf902]

How awful. You have a supportive community here. Sending prayers and hugs for safety and escape.

[@kokosage]

Can you go to a women's shelter or live in your car?

[@lisagrimes4801]

@@kokosage no, absolutely not, if anyone leaves it will be the perpetator

[@maevebutler4641]

@ lisa Grimes I am so sorry that you experienced such horrendous abuse. Do all in your power to protect yourself, a safe living place & start therapy with a trauma therapist May every good blessing be yours ❤

[@yuu_miran]

Protect yourself and thr cat! The person looks like psychopath... and try to defend in some clever ways, its still selfdefence

[@beazuzmcceasar22]

This was so thorough. Thank you for taking the time to make it. X

[@aldelgado9343]

I have a narcisist brother, i just stay away as much as i can, hes a victim when things dont go as he wants.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Ugh this is one of my inlaw family members that my mom tries to soothe and appease despite how awful she is to all of us. It makes me feel sick. Caused fights with me and my mom as I won’t suck up to the family narcissist bully who emotionally abuses all of us and never takes responsibility. It’s really damaged our family, which makes me sad, but I won’t enable it all by appeasing them. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

💯 I have been through really rough traumatizing heartbreaking things, and yes it’s awful, painful and unfair, but I also recognize that others go through bad things too, and I have lots to be thankful for, and it’s not just me as hard as it is. However the narcissist in my family constantly plays the woe is me card and never sees how anyone else is suffering too, it’s all about her and how things are so unfair to her and never good enough for her. Despite my pain of loosing a loved one to cancer, I fight to keep going and be thankful for my time with them and all I have and am, while also supporting others as best I can. The narcissist never makes efforts for others nor sees their pain as it’s all about her. It’s so messed up. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤

[@kharmagirl77]

Thank you for healing people and helping me survive 🙏

[@thoughtsonredbudhill]

This is good. I see the first part of the video in myself. It's gotten better over the years but I could definitely improve. I need to remember that I'm actually very privileged in many ways and I just need to put in the hard work, at least as much as I can. Thanks for opening my eyes.

[@petra473]

Sometimes, I need to be reminded because we have to carry some burden as a survivor. It is so true! Find your light in Life! Be kind io yourself! Beautiful said. Thanks!

[@gravygood]

Thanks! You are helping me so much and I find you so enjoyable to watch!

[@TR-nv3if]

Oh man I’ve seen this in the past in the workplace.. I’ve seen a female narc. ( at dif. Companies) finally after their bullying of others, and grandiosity and trying to get others in trouble etc, finally be gently called on the carpet by the boss or a coworker, and they started balling, poor me. Etc.. it’s amazing ( real tears and even loud crying)etc.. and then after that everyone and the mgmt is kissing their feet, babying them and coddling them as if the toxic coworker has been hurt, at the same time treating the bullied coworkers like they did something wrong! Ha ha it’s crazy! I’ve even seen the narc. promoted..it’s insane.

[@JinJinDoe]

Amen bro. I live this nightmare too

[@woolfairy1]

It is remarkable how many incompetent yet well respected people my former husband is surrounded by.

[@Varykino1917]

I will play this video several times a day, every day, until I have this memorized. I saw myself if this - By what was said, I thought that I am narcissistic. But then I realized that when people are hurt or offended by what I say, I am moved by remorse and genuinely care that I did something that caused discomfort to others. Where as, the narcissist doesn't. Sometimes I do feel unappreciated because I do have narcissists in my life and that is what they do - not appreciate others. And I was afraid that I was playing the victim. My daughter yells at me that I play the victim whenever I tell her how she makes me feel. But then I learned to counter with, "Well, your'e a predator and where there are predators, there are victims." Then she's quiet. And after dealing with a narcissist, "quiet" seems like a pot of gold.

[@geef5328]

I just love you! You described this guy I was seeing, rich, privileged and apparently- this type of narc. Now, I was reading a lot about narcissism but was not aware there actually kinds of narcs, so it took me about 4 months to realize I was dealing with a victim narc. I knew there is something wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. So THANK you.

[@DiamondCutter423]

Great post. Yes thankfulness and gratitude cultivate each other. An ingrate is never thankful and a thankful person becomes more grateful.

[@cheyenne5375]

I think my mom might be a covert narcissist. She’s never not stuffing from something, rarely happy and when she is it’s short lived and she’s back to miserable. I was sexually abused growing up by a cousin and she says things like “ what you went through is just so hard for me” I get it being hard for a mother to have there child abused. But it’s always about her and she’s more wounded then me about the abuse she never experienced. I ask her to stop bring up the topic of abuse because i tend to respond very weak and broken (like a child) especially when she brings it up at her house where the abuse took place. Now I’m trying to distance and now she’s the victim because I’m not responding to her every day multiple times a day texts. She says stuff to make me feel weak and treats me like I’m to weak to do anything. My dad is now acting like she’s broken and taking care of her. Honestly I hate them so much yet feel chained to them. Just putting this here because I know no one other then my husband to talk to about it. I feel so alone in this, tho my husband is very supportive. Im starting to realize my mom never loved me. It was always all about her…

[@carolblaylock367]

Thank you for this channel, Dr. Ramani. So much of your content has rocket launched my 30+ years of CBT & solidified exactly how my narcissistic & psychotic mother played a massive role in my world view that of course has taken decades to untangle. I walk with much more grace for myself because of your insights & now trust my gut instincts without any self gaslighting nonsense.

[@PS-Straya_M8]

Sadly it was only recently in my 50s that I learnt my so-called mother is a vulnerable narcissist, she has completely ruined my life meanwhile she's living the high life having dissolved the family trust and has enablers around her within the family. I've gone no contact and no surprise that she has made zero contact with me in the past 6 years!

[@mehlover]

Well this gave me a lot of cathartic "a ha" moments. My dad woulse always joke and deflect and not acknowledge anything i say. He would say we said something else in a "joking manner" (which is usually what he wants us to say), and it's freaking gaslighting. I had a hunch it was but not sure. But now, I'm glad to know I'm not crazy and my dad really is a narcissist. Just a different type from my mom. And hoo boy does she blame the tools all the time. The victim bully isn't really talked about and I'm glad you're talking about it. That describes all the narcissistic people I've come into contact with. Also i can’t help but wonder if enablers are also narcissists or just narcissistic traits when it comes to excusing the enabler

[@Strengtheningselffirst2]

I feel so grateful to have your teachings. Amazing. Thank you Dr. Ramani. 💚💚💚

[@geric.5183]

A former friend would meticulously gaslight me precisely when I had major stress. That way If I were to say something it would appear that I was “overworked”So I took the punishment and never said a word every time it happened, chalking it off to coincidence. I recognized it immediately when she did it to someone else. Clear as day! A consistent pattern. I took some time off from the group to get my head on straight. I returned and at a party she used 1 friend to inadvertently gaslight another friend, then she would gaslight them both. My husband and I looked at each other and left and never looked back, leaving a 20 year friendship full of manipulation and exploitation.

[@kimmccaleb4170]

Yep. Got a victim bully narcissistic neighbor. Cra cra. The only way to win is to refuse to play.ser a bou daty...I want nothing to do with you. Refuse to engage.

[@kimmccaleb4170]

Walk away and don't give them a second thought.bye bye.done...

[@CynthiaPerez-xd5oq]

My narc accuses me of victimizing myself often. It's always out of context also. I never use that verbiage. "There you go, making yourself the victim." Whenever I may be attempting to communicate an action or behavior that hurt me or I found unacceptable. I mean, I never said that I was a victim but, yeah I am the victim, the victim of your abuse.

[@StarseedsUnited]

Thank you 🙏 Dr. for sharing your wisdom so generously!

[@TheRja17]

Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤ all your videos. From Malaysia here.

[@melaikam1485]

I wish you were my therapist. I love your videos, it’s very helpful

[@matteblak6158]

3:30 I rarely use the word “literally,” but the statements about how the whole world is out to get them, that is literally every conversation I have with my wife. The need for an adversary makes it impossible for our family to EVER be close to anyone. We are on this island, and the world is constantly lobbing artillery at her which she passes on to me…

[@enlumineresse]

Your phrase "the need for an adversary" is so correct! They don't like peace between people, they are always unconsciously seeking for a fight, they need the drama like water. They like to feel persecuted because this is like being in character a movie, they become more important at their own eyes, as if there was always a public watching their "supremely suffering" existence.

[@solidstehl9546]

I absolutely agree. Do the hard work, no one is going to rescue you. Enjoy what you have, strive to make yourself better than what you were yesterday. Life isn't fair, break the mold through perseverance and respect towards others. Respect their boundaries just as you want yours to be respected. Don't feel bad for things you earned.

[@p.w.352]

I'm convinced that a narcissist that I know uses victim hood as a manipulative tactic when they've crossed a line and went too far. They inevitably blame the actual victim for putting them in the position of having to resort malicious actions or words. Classic bully victim.

[@neuvi777]

💯

[@brookecogan7994]

This was the video I needed. I never could piece together the victim mentality with the other narcissistic behaviors.

[@lovefaith1794]

Omg watching all your videos, going to therapy and starting EMDR EFT somatic exercises, watching your videos, gave me the courage and momentum. You gave me all the answers as to what’s wrong with me and now the worst part is I feel so much worse going through this process than better I’m getting flashbacks and ruminations are worse and but I was told this is part of the process by my therapist, I can’t wait till your book comes out. Thank you for saving so many peoples lives.

[@TattedChristian]

There r no words to describe how much ur work has helped me. God bless u and all ur work🕊💕🙏🙏! I love u, thank u so much ❤💕💕🙏.

[@evagrimaldi6524]

How do I stop myself from falling into this victimhood mentality from "having" to deal with a vulnerable narcissist? My father

[@mandyhoskin4]

Oh my :) up to 16:40... so many giggles and recognition moments that I am pausing to listen again. Not immediately though because I have such a deep smile happening right now that I want to savour. I am looking forward to a second listen to identify why :) Thank you Dr.

[@mandyhoskin4]

Third listening. Second all the way through. Thank you Dr Ramani I will be returning to this one for responsibility reminders. Comments like getting your cat to do the dishes help lighten the tone and put propensities to want to plant seeds of change, into perspective. Much thanks for your generosity.

[@SS-in1ts]

I feel like this sometimes when i lose hope. I think some of this can be symptoms of depression or other mental issues that cause rumination.

[@pennyparks7997]

my ex-spouse would combine bully-victim sometimes as a way to justify the bullying I think. Like walking out as the sad and pathetic victim but tearing out a crucial tentpole on the way to bring down the tent on a crowd as they left

[@mcfc6320]

My narcissist had a way of talking I had never encountered before. My narcissist had a way of asking for help in a way they made the other person feel guilty as if it was their fault for making the narcissist look for help.

[@cb9825]

Ah yes, the gist of it is like "don't you see I struggle? You should ask if I need help!"

[@gardeningnewearth3680]

I’ve asked a narc to leave my house over 2 week’s ago. They have just laid in there own mess. When I remind them that they can’t be here they yell “help help help I’m being abused & can’t escape” . I’ve experienced so much in one day today. I’ve been chased up & down the street while they yell horrible lies about me. They tried to lie & triangulate me against my sister. So I rang my sister and exposed the lies in front of the narcissist. Luckily people that have been though this have reached out & checking on my mental health & are offering good advice. Your video on bully victim dynamic has been my saving grace during this period & I’m sharing it with others that have been abused by this individual. So thank you 🙏 very very much for that. Lots of 💕 & ✨

[@klarickfy]

I have exhibited these traits in the past. I fear that this is still who I am. Thank you for the advice. I'm going to keep working on it.

[@RiverPaisley]

Thank you for this Dr. Ramani. 🙏🏻

[@whisped8145]

29:40 I learned, or figured, this as a teenager when I had really creative phases. There was fertile ground, some talent in various areas - it was only later I learned that I must have gotten that from my father who is quite talented at music (lousy teacher though), because I knew barely nothing about him. However, I struggled a lot and basically had to try everything in secret, for otherwise I would only get discouragement for anything I did or wanted to do (the same went for sports I had finally found that worked for me, anything outside the house, while the other way around it was complained that I never left the house - you can imagine how that stunlocks you). I figured quite early that I didn't need any fancy pencils or brushes or graphic tablets or expensive music instruments, especially when starting - sure a top musician sounds crappy on a cheap instrument (i remember a fun experiment with a top tier metal band that was given garage level instruments) - but for someone who draws, a pencil and a piece of paper, basically anything, is sufficient. Especially to start and learn. The most obvious this is with writing which was my forte for a few years thus: The writer cannot blame the tools, for the only tool is what puts letters on paper - or screen (though I prefer paper initially; the thought process is much different; the slowness forces better sentences). Through this (and many drawn and painted examples with the simplest tools and in part by physically handicapped artists) I realized what I didn't want to acknowledge back then: It was a creation-block. Not a simple artist-block, but a blockade that prevented me to make anything, including sound. It persists to this day and I have never found professional help for that - or rather bigger issues came on top that I never found help for, that are more pressing. All the things that created this blockade came from the environment I grew up in I figured over the years since then, whether at home or at school. The simple conclusion of the subconscious was: Don't get noticed, don't do anything noticeable, for attention only draws suffering and nothing but. It is a maladaptation of avoidance in order to protect what's left of you. You start to hide your interests so that noone can sully them. I remember when my last English teacher told some about Emily Dickinson, I felt an odd kinship. Nobody knew she was a writer until long after her death, when her works were found. My favourite poem of hers might also be her most known - and quite topical: "I’m Nobody! Who are you? Are you - Nobody - too? Then there’s a pair of us! Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know! How dreary - to be - Somebody! How public - like a Frog - To tell one’s name - the livelong June - To an admiring Bog!" That only short time I did get some early things out was when I was friends with an honestly encouraging literature enthusiast and student, might almost be worth the term "muse", but we went separate ways, and alone the block again was a concrete fortress without cracks. I really noticed the extend of it when I was in a clinic for severe PTSD, but they not only put me on the wrong unit, but didn't do anything to help any patient - it was just about keeping beds filled to milk wallets of the compliant, non-complaining patients, and sending those that noticed they didn't get any help or complained that they didn't even get their standard medication (like basic non-psyche-stuff like thyroid-meds) regularly. Such places are kept operating out of a "too big to fail" mentality, so quality doesn't matter. You'd get the guilt-trip "but where would all the patients go!?" and the simple answer is: They'd at least know they can't get help and aren't exploited by corrupt charlatans and further abused by incompetent and cluster-B (all variations) staff. Every person I've met that went through, simply summarized as, "bad therapy", came to the same conclusion on their own: It is better to know you don't have help available and are on your own, regardless of with what, than to get fake help. Anyway, the mentioned story that happened there: I tried every "therapy-type" they had there at least once, even when I thought "That's probably complete bull" and the people who ran the physiotherapy and some of the "creative classes" were complete hacks that were endangering patients with how they went about it. You don't do ostepathic exercises to each other after a short verbal instruction, while standing. One of the guys already had three fractures to his neck - miracle he didn't get injured. When I told the esoteric instructor woman who believed in curing cancer through smiling and that all pain can be overcome (and probably never experienced any real injury or sickness) went dead pale and didn't come back for the rest of my stay there. Again, I digress. Is this avoidance? I don't think I've yet fully processed the following event: One of those loony toons held the "drum therapy" which was basically sitting in a dark room, everyone getting a different drum, and just doing something with it until somehow a rhythm would emerge. Not being very keen on chaotic and/or loud noise to begin with (autism thing, maybe added hyper-awareness etc), it wasn't entirely stressfree to begin with. I sat behind a column, almost out of sight due to lack of space. Had a small flat drum in front of me. The "therapist" left at the beginning, so there was no oversight at all. I just tensed up more and more. I couldn't touch the bloody thing. Even though it would have been lost in the kakophony. I couldn't even touch it. I was deathly afraid to make any noise. --- The PTSD came up, as well as much older stuff, and I realized what it was. That this was *that* - that block. The reason I also had such a hard time to look and ask for help to begin with, with anything. Because that too draws attention. It is not out of a fear to appear weak - though that only plays a part in thus revealing vulnerability, not a shameful type of inability. I tried to keep it, but tears and sobs escaped me. I couldn't stand up, sat on the ground, legs crossed, just like at the initial PTSD-event that led me to that place. I couldn't get away from there, I had to sit through it. Almost an hour. The "therapist" only came back shortly before the end. I know what I look after these breakdowns, whether I manage to keep them quiet or the pain overcomes me. Temporarily, presently, I looked like I stepped out of a grave. Nobody said anything. Certainly not the "therapist." Nobody there took note when someone was in peril, the staff was more avoidant than patients, than patients of their problems. I could not even touch that damn drum. In the past years especially, and looking back I have found a few memories of where I stood for others regarding narcissistic abuse - when I had still no clue that's what it was. That's not even a problem for me, it comes automatically, there's not even a thought of doubt or fear or anxiety, it's like I shortly power up even; but when I am the target - I just freeze. Stunlock. I manage now sometimes, but if noone stands up for me it's likely game over again. Narcissists respect no boundaries, not even death. They don't respect the living, why would they respect the dead? So they have no qualms to wave them around like muppets and speak for them, claim ownership... The dead can't defend themselves anymore. But that's another story.

[@JK-bu1gk]

THANK YOU! The best video...I'm starting to get it now. This one video connected the dots for me. Sister stole my inheritance. I went no contact. Sister destroyed my relationship with all relatives. I see this DARVO in my other relationships, which is so valuable.

[@fieryred518]

Dr.R. you are a rock star and my hero. Thank you for all you do for NPD ❤

[@tlhogid663]

Right on time! About 3 weeks ago, I started to listen to videos on victim mentality in order to understand some of my own behaviour. Eckart Tolle's video on KZbin is the best I found and I have relistened a few times. It is helping me cultivate true gratitude. It is also helpful to understand exactly how my own behaviour/thinking can be narcissistic. It is difficult to do that when I am going through a period of rotten luck or simply fail (because, well, I am human). DARVO is real 🙈 Shame is such an uncomfortable feeling... I will be better. Thanks, Dr Ramani

[@mtraver5070]

Greatest, giving and self motivating psychologist in current times I have found yet. With you I've found a bigger understanding of a more common condition especially now a days. Narrowed down to facts not opinion! Love you for that.❤

[@jeffchamberson9766]

Thank you doctor, you are truly one of my dearest heroes

[@Baconmissfit]

Eye opening. It plays out exactly like this every time we have a fight. A lot is done with passive aggressive comments towards me, the rest is poor pitiful me mode.

[@truthseeker3773]

its so bizarre that these narcs are so predictable and using the same tactics. you could have been describing my personal life with one. its so painful and frustrating. I wish were could stamp these crazy makers with a sign......BEWARE!!!! very good info thank you!!!

[@DarkerSideOfDawn]

I love you Dr Ramani Your videos have helped me so much over the past couple years. It’s been a journey but I’ve made so much progress

[@jcm5171]

Fabulous videos, Dr Ramani. So beautifully described, so perfectly explained. The victim-bully sequence is one of the most crazy-making behaviors we experience at the hands of a narcissistic abuser. Whining is not rare, but like you said, the alternance of attacks and litany of pathetic complaining is SO typical. It sounds like cowardice, to me. Plain and simple, no ? What is it in us that is so easily moved by the narcissist's sob-stories ? To be blamed, constantly, and wrongly most of the time, is so toxic that I wonder how I ever got so used to it, spending hour after hour trying to EXPLAIN ! Ya, we self-blame in the end, and try to control ourselves in order to avoid upsetting the narc. You're spot on !!!

[@chandanatallamraj212]

Not me only looking at the cat towards the end. Give the kitty more attention Dr. Ramani!! Also, your videos found me when I was at my worst and literally saved my life. Ever grateful ❤

[@keariewashburn4680]

Exactly. Play the hand that we are dealt. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤ if you dont succeed with talent, triumph with effort

[@iasked-cl8mz]

Dr Ramani, and this wonderful community I was able to be a part of, today I felt the strong urge to show my sincere gratitude to all of you and the absolutely gem, Dr Ramani herself. Dr Ramani, you have been so consistent with your phenomenal work, helping millions of people become better and aware. I wish I could give you a big hug to express just how grateful I am for you. Anytime I find myself in situations where I have to face a difficult personality, your voice reminds me from within about all of your teachings. Whenever I accidentally make the decision of oversharing, I ask myself this: "What would Dr Ramani think of this, what advice would she give you? You should be aware!". Thank you for being a mother, a therapist, an older sister to so many of us. You are so worthy and so beautiful. Same goes for this wonderful community, thank you for being like a family to me!! I'm sending so many prayers, love, and warm hugs to each and every single one of you. You all deserve better, you all deserve kindness and ease. Much love! - Mariam 🫂❤💐

[@MicheleAmbrose]

Thank you for saying that!😊

[@bee12355]

I know someone who is a professional victim. I don’t think she is a narcissist, but she is definitely a professional victim. She always complain about this person have a home, a trust fund, don’t have to work and she don’t have those things. I always tell her to be grateful for what she have and stop being jealous of others. She makes 6 figures, yet complains about her friend have a 1.8 million dollar house and she don’t have a house. I tell her if she want a house, then get one. It is exhausting and draining to me.

[@jtruslow28]

Thank you Dr Ramani. My couples therapist recommended your videos to understand narcissism better. I was in a marriage with a narcissist for 20 years. We share a child and there's definitely some trauma bonding still occurring.

[@rosethorns1893]

I’d like to see you make a video of a narcissist who watches this video and then sends it to you to try and gaslight you into believing that you’re the narcissist. I’ve been in recovery from alcoholism and codependency since 1989. I make a habit of looking at my stuff and clean up my side of the street when called for. Apologizing for my part allows them to believe that it was all me. How do you know who is the real narcissist in a situation where the narcissist truly believes that you are the narcissist?

[@boudinevandermerwe7660]

Brilliant!! Thank you!! 🙂

[@maggiemay8622]

You’re talking about my sister🤯she has everything but is always the victim and martyr!! 😱

[@nomad9338]

Dr Ramani, can you do a video about narcissists and paranoia?