Recovery Dangers - Part 9/10 - Victim Mentality

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Children of Complex Trauma are victims of neglect, abuse, or abandonment. The problem is that as many reach adulthood, they continue to see themselves as victims. Living with a victim mentality is a very dangerous place for someone in recovery to be. Find out why people slide into a victim mentality, and learn tools to break out of this self-destructive habit.
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DISCLAIMER:
Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.
If you are in crisis, please contact your local crisis hotline at 988.ca/, 988lifeline.org/, dial 988, or call your local emergency services.

[@leeboriack8054]

A victim mindset is a blueprint for an unfulfilling life with an ocean of undeveloped talents, joys and desires. It creates a fear of being your best.

[@julievalentine5745]

I can relate to everything Tim says here. I am getting so much self awareness from listening to Tim. He is amazing

[@jerinrinee4731]

You are not just speaking to the camera. You are rescuing my life in past 3 months. Ive been watching lots of your videos. Thank you from South India. Its very helpful. And why these series aren't getting million views? I think all should watch this. Not only people have complex trauma. Thanks a lot.

[@user-sg8wf5qo9s]

Cheers from the south of Crimea, bruh) hold on and take care of yourself!)

[@SAMEntalhealth]

This is a very complex subject. I am a victim of the victim mentality due to trauma addiction made it way worse

[@aaronmann9442]

Lol how can you be a victim of a victim mentality 😂

[@mintyichigo5153]

@@aaronmann9442 i think they meant they were the echo chamber for someone with victim mentality, at least thats how i understood it, therapist friend but worse 💀

[@katebueno191]

This is for every woman out tgere ever stalked by a man and then called a liar !! Because of the possition they have because of tge job they have !!

[@iw9338]

Watching 3rd time with note book. Great truths, that I can validate the pain & respect myself enough to do something about it. Thanks very much.

[@arudolphwiseproduction]

I'm definitely grateful for all of these series. Thank you. 🙏

[@mailill]

The worst "victim syndrome" is people who in the past have been victims of abuse, and who now deny that their trauma is not yet healed (sometimes they even deny that there ever _was_ a trauma), and instead of trying to heal start abusing others (subconscious trauma reenactment taking the role as abuser and often also misplaced anger), and then they blame the very people they abuse for "victim mentality". Now, that is a real problem. Acknowledging that one has not yet healed from a trauma, is not in itself "victim mentality" (in the meaning of stagnant response or learned helplessness). It is being honest and brave. Just my ten cents.

[@cheekychoc5132]

This is so real for me right now….incredible

[@teresabatel5051]

Bless you Tim for your teaching. It has helped me tremendously and my daughter is also receiving your teaching! It is giving us hope and tools to overcome!

[@poisonivy745]

I think 'victim mentality' has a negative connotation and telling someone who has a mental illness that phrase makes it seem like they're to blame for what's happening. I just think the wording should be "stagnant response" or "cyclic response" or something related to learned helplessness. Btw all of your videos have help me tremendously! You put into words what I have experienced but could never explain.

[@musicandwellbeing]

I think here Tim is explaining what happens when learnt helplines is taken to the extreme in adulthood

[@cerissabrown3487]

I agree victim mentality is a harmful label. Cyclic thinking. Stagnant response.

[@blankearth5840]

Thank you.

[@CJSmith-ky5bh]

I think, like in all his other presentations, Tim calls it out using real language and what it truly is. I suspect if it’s a triggering term, it’s hitting something that needs to be addressed. 2:12 “A lot of people don’t even see it in themselves”

[@jcepri]

Think of victim mentality as a common cold and victim complex is a lifelong chronic illness that will get worse unless the person. pursues recovery.

[@sarahbyrne8501]

This gives me so much hope. Three years and counting. Xxx thanks Tim. So much work to do…

[@tmosest]

So grateful that you doing the awkward job of talking to a camera and nobody. Transforming my life!

[@iw9338]

Wow, thanks very much. Got some awareness & tools to grow. Always benefit from your teachings.

[@rascallyrabbit]

we are taught to be victims. it takes courage to stop this behavior. courage was never modeled for us. fight, fight, fight.

[@NattyByNature-]

My brother or sister will beat someone up and say they made me do it. Me I live in victim mentality more so self pity but not blaming others. Which I am learning from this video, is the reason why I am self sabotaging. My oldest brother and youngest sister became the narcissist that wants the world to circulate around them.

[@naomigrech1643]

Tim! You are amazing!! So grateful for your videos 😊

[@saycog1084]

That’s my parents’ life story right there. So sad.

[@charlene336]

When I'm bombarded with brain dysregulation, and constant triggers... yes I go directly into self-pity. I can take responsibility for my life and still be triggered by everything happening around me. I can stop telling sad stories though and stop trying to get pity from others.

[@chilloften]

Sadness is so meaningful to some because it’s mind-blowing to us. Sad songs rule! We got to get rid of it.

[@w1cked001]

Some great research came out after this video- the construct of tendency for interpersonal victimhood (gabay et al). Great read and shows the danger of this approach

[@alinacobzariu7410]

You're a God send!Thank you!

[@ionicatoms]

16 minutes in and I’m astounded at how wise Tim is.

[@jcepri]

This was excellent and so helpful. I just wish there was a portion on how to approach and set boundaries with someone (especially a family member) who has a victim mentality.

[@octaviahh8774]

A little bit of tough love seems to be the only way that has worked for me so far. In my experience, being nice about maintaining your boundaries so you don't hurt their feelings doesn't work as they seem to think your not serious. Your boundary will hurt them because they're always the victim but it's either your mental health or theirs, the choice is yours.

[@Nadiouchkaaa9]

Much gratitude 🙏🏻

[@haidyyousif2125]

BIG THANK YOU. ❤ Tim LEARN ALOT From YOU🙏

[@sarahbeatty2419]

This sounds a lot like me, but the good news is that I am doing something about it. I am not staying a victim.

[@thattracyperson]

I wish someone had sent this to me 3yrs ago i/o me finding it on my own, now. Would have saved me quite a bit of heartache.

[@marleenstukkien5384]

Thanks, I was thinking about sending this to someone I know, but I was hesitant, because it can sound very accusatory and a kick in the nuts while you already feel down, and I don't want to cause that in anyone. Thank you for affirming this message can indeed be welcomed 🙂

[@thattracyperson]

@marleenstukkien5384 Most people will absolutely be offended being sent this simply because of the title of the video. If they watch it though, and are capable of self reflection, they may not be so offended.

[@roxy7255]

Wow this video is spot on. I met someone who had victim complex recently, couldn’t see their part in their abusive relationship at all nor were they open to seeing it. Passive aggression popped up again and again. How do you find the patience to work with them?

[@elbradavid533]

Amazing. He's amazing. Thank you Tim

[@debfugate4517]

Thank You So Much!!!!

[@janeanneouellette8249]

A woman who is over 60. Has no income of her own - no family to take her in - no bank account - no job - no way to get a job to REALLY support herself (unless she wants to live in the ghetto). Whose narcissistic spouse is committed to make her life a living hell if she leaves - she'll have to fight for every penny - who can't afford a lawyer - whose spouse is verbally/psychologically abusive all the time... he won't go for any counseling. What does she do? I 've spoken with her and if I cud, I'd let her live in our house. How does she have a healthy life?

[@cody_go_create]

Women’s shelter

[@robertafierro5592]

​​@@cody_go_createno no, she probably needs to find a situation like a live in Nanny or something g likev that..you know maybe even a company that does professional.Companionship for elderly clients. There's a big industry in Elder day care..the lady does have options. She can get a job, lots of seniors work!! Really! I see them working the cash register at the Super Market, and CVS!

[@robertafierro5592]

The Ghetto looks different now

[@claireh.7605]

She goes on section 8 housing and food stamps

[@vitashaw4126]

She gets with God!! Pray and let God do what only He can do. He works miracles!

[@munimuni1385]

Great insight! Many thanks.

[@jialiu7122]

thank U Tim

[@johnkennedy1242]

Perfect video at the perfect time !

[@redheadredneckv]

Thank you

[@Sindhabadforever]

thanks sir

[@TheBmex]

He is talking about me wife that always blamed me 40 years of it. Im 63 male who needs therapy

[@Silvertestrun]

Ty

[@jackperry6269]

this is all well and good, but does it work? Can one heal?

[@miuthub7954]

Choosing pain. So true

[@liddellasya]

Such a good sound in this one 😭

[@wolfkai82]

And dude I’m not trying to blame anyone else or not take responsibility but sometimes shit really is not your fucking fault

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Quite the contrary. Everything is our fault. Outside of a child that cannot change their circumstances. If you're an adult, everything is your fault because we have a choice, a choice to leave, a choice to stay.

[@wendydaniel1110]

S---t happens, that's life. How you deal with it makes the biggest difference. Are you going to use the opportunity to learn and grow or sit there and try and get mileage from others from your situation .

[@normandy2501]

​@@wendydaniel1110 I think it's still valid to say that some stuff objectively didn't need to happen for people to have to get over, but getting over it is still the best solution.

[@Lisa-ht7jk]

So are you trying to say that we are able to control other people's actions. If a woman is assaulted then she is to blame because she is an adult. What a load of rubbish! ​@@hurricaneaquatics

[@Crazydoglady.]

LOVE THIS ONE!!🙌

[@snow4e23]

Whoa! My life 😢

[@Audrey-k2h]

Worse than being stuck. Your life starts imploding. Smh

[@Lisa-ht7jk]

So why are the police and therapists saying that people are victims of abuse.

[@jeremygreene1]

@tim How do both people (parents) heal from this cycle ?

[@stuartpaul9211]

wish I'd have found your channel at the time all this shite was happening.

[@wolfkai82]

But we not victimized though? I just want someone I know to get that

[@sunnygirl9691]

Yes, you deserve a “witness”. My theory (and maybe others too) on healing is we each need ONE person who loves us to hear us, understand us, and ACHE WITH US for that pain holding our mind hostage. Then I think we can heal.

[@user-ur5xq1lr4f]

Omg!! what an epiphany this video is !!

[@KJ-pu8dw]

This is describing Vulnerable Narcissists?

[@jeremygreene1]

I think narcissist may be overused and in a mentally unhealthy situation two people contribute to mental instability may result which looks like narcissist

[@nothingthere3959]

No, this's not. He literally explains this - victim mentality is next step after learned helplessness which is result of childhood trauma. Narcs have some similarities as they see themselves as an ultimate victim, but they aren't helpless, they might pretend to be helpless and then weaponize their pretended helplessness to get things from others. But if you don't give to a narc what they want they will hate you for some time and move on onto someone else who will give them what they want. A person who is not narc, but has a victim mentality wouldn't move on onto someone else - they can be stuck in the same cycle with the same people till literally death if they don't realise what's going on and try to get out. They often stuck with a narc as a spouse and enable all that narcissistic behaviour, and the narc spouse often does to them all the abusive behaviours that their parents did. Narcs love this type of people, especially vulnerable narcs love to attach themselves to people with victim mentality - because those people aren't actually as helpless as they think, they are "useful", but they can't escape because they often don't realise they need to escape in the first place. They usually don't know that that's an option, their parents made them believe it was not (and that's true for a child, but because abusive families treat their adult children the same shitty way they treat small kids, nothing changes there, people often don't realise that they aren't little anymore, that being an adult actually means something) .

[@AlliannaFitness]

How many wait on God/ Jesus to come and save them .?

[@dlin5068]

Relying on god is the best thing you can do god created you and would take care of you

[@mariatriantafyllou-g3d]

victim? No. the victim is not me. The victim s the one who accepts our services. These are our victims.

[@mariatriantafyllou-g3d]

the better something works, the better our services. Isn't that what we're here for? To serve others?

[@lblincoe2094]

That doesn't make any sense to me. "She's trying to rescue dad and trying to fix dad and she's making the family happy the best she can" Followed by "What is she doing? She's acting like a victim, she's acting like she's powerless to change the family dynamic" Which, to me, is two directly contradicting sentences... By your own admission she's doing everything she can, to do right by the family and to try to fix the problems and make everyone happy, but then she's just playing the victim and pretending to be powerless to help the family? How is it she's playing up performative powerlessness when she's admittedly doing the best she can to mitigate the father's dysfunction and provide for the family? Playing the victim is refusing to take any responsibility for yourself, it's refusing to provide for yourself or to exert effort for your own benefit because you want someone else to do it for you. It's refusing to step into your own power and acting as if you've exhausted all your options when you haven't even explored what they are, it's refusing solutions in lieu of pity and sympathy, it's blame shifting and refusing to face the consequences of your own actions or to examine how you've played a part in your circumstances and expecting to be rescued from your own problems. Playing the victim is feigned weakness instead of acting on your own behalf. So how is a woman taking on her entire family's problems, providing everything for everyone by herself, doing her genuine best to keep the family functional and create a healthy environment for them, at great expense to herself, doing any of those things?? Are there more effective options for her? Sure. Are there better ways to achieve the goal she's after? Of course. But being misguided and doing your best because you're unaware of better solutions ≠ victim mentality. She's CERTAINLY not taking the easier or more comfortable route. She isn't failing to take responsibility for herself, she's actually being OVER responsible by making herself responsible for the abuser. Her inefficiency isn't feigned and she doesn't want pity or sympathy, what she wants is real resolution. She isn't choosing to do this so she can be rescued or for someone else to take care of her responsibilities for her, she WANTS to solve her own problem, she just doesn't know how! She isn't wallowing in powerlessness, in fact her problem is that she believes she has MORE power than she does by believing she has the power to change the abuser. Her perpetuation of his abuse comes from ignorance, not learned helplessness. She isn't doing anything to ENABLE the abuser, she's not trying to collude in his abuse or to facilitate it, she's trying to PROTECT the rest of the family from it. Because, as the head of household, they are reliant on him and his consequences are THEIR consequences. Trying to mitigate his consequences isn't to protect HIM, she's trying to protect everyone else who's going to be impacted by them because they're dependent on him. Caretaking his emotions isn't because she values him over everyone else and she wants him to always be happy and never inconvenienced, because again, it's not about HIM. Once again, it's about protecting the rest of the family because they're the ones who suffer for his negative emotions. She's doing what she can to keep the rest of the family safe in the unsafe environment he's created. She's not trying to be a victim of her problems, she's trying to SOLVE her problems. And realistically, what other choice does she have? She literally IS powerless to change the family dynamic. She's as powerless to change it as the kids are because HE'S the problem, HE'S the danger and the only one in charge of him is him. The only option she has to "fix" the family is to disassemble it and that isn't always the best choice for her to make. People act like it's so simple for a victim like this to stop being abused. It's just a matter of choosing to leave, right? But how many have actually tried doing that? How many have actually tried forcing themselves to make a decision that that's going to most likely require them to leave their vulnerable baby unprotected with the very same dangerous and violent man creating the danger they're in 50% of the time from there forward? If you think the family court system protects women and children from abusive men, you aren't paying attention. There was recently a new law passed for custody cases within IPV after an abused woman pleaded with the court not to allow her spouse unsupervised time with their toddler because she was not safe with him, and when they ignored all her documented evidence of undeniable abuse and demanded that she give up her baby girl to this man, he left her unattended in a bathtub and she drown. That victim choose to "just leave the abuser" and, had even prepared and armed herself with irrefutable evidence of his abuse to protect her and her daughter, and now she'll never see her baby again. And there are, unforgivably, MILLIONS of stories of our judicial system failing to protect kids from known abusers. Leaving an abuser for a victim is quite literally making the decision to free yourself at the expense of protecting your children because the law requires you to leave them at his mercy, vulnerable and unprotected. Many women refuse to take that risk and are compelled to stay with an abusive partner because they truly have no other option. Even outside of parenting concerns, how many have actually invested themselves in a family they've spent years of their lives on and had to make themselves accept the defeat of maintaining that family and voluntarily ruptured the family unit with the knowledge of the traumatizing impact that divorce will have on their kids? How many have actually had to face the stigma, and sometimes outright rejection, of being divorced in a society that harshly judges them? How many have actually had to figure out how to assemble all the resources to rebuild their shattered independence so they could start an entirely new life on their own without any help? How many have actually had to make all of these difficult decisions with everyone you know excusing and justifying the abuser and imploring you not to leave them, knowing that if you do, you'll lose your entire social network and be left on your own? And we're also just ignoring that the biggest threat to a victim doesn't occur while actually being in an abusive relationship, they are most at risk when they try to leave. It's the first 18 months after leaving an abusive partner that are actually the most dangerous for them. The majority of domestic violence homicides and most of all serious injuries in abusive relationships occur when the victim chooses to end the relationship. So the choice this woman faces isn't just a matter of staying to be abused or leaving to solve all her problems. Her options are to stay and manage the enemy she knows, or risk her life trying to free herself from someone who may be willing to take her life just to keep her from getting away. And that's not even touching on the devastating psychological effects of trauma bonds! A woman choosing what she thinks is the best option to keep her and her kids safe, and being forced to suffer for it because there are no good options, is NOT learned helplessness or a victim mentality. It's her making the very difficult decision to endure a tormenting circumstance for what best protects her and her children. She isn't acting like a victim, she IS a victim!

[@elliotfitzgerald8950]

The camera work and lighting were done by SNL

[@Blablablamiau]

No dear Fletcher not everyone sensetionalise their story !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep that in your F mind. I barely share my story and my story is really sensational without me making it sensational

[@totalhorse6987]

I'm in heal and destroy mode. WorkSafeBC kills. Destroy WorkSafeBC. Heal, learn, destroy. It's important to have goals.

[@NattyByNature-]

My brother or sister will beat someone up and say they made me do it. Me I live in victim mentality more so self pity but not blaming others. Which I am learning from this video, is the reason why I am self sabotaging. My oldest brother and youngest sister became the narcissist that wants the world to circulate around them.