How To Spot A Narcissist's Baiting Tactics

Narcissists are natural exploiters, which means they like to see you in a weakened state as they seek advantages. One of their favorite tactics is psychological baiting. Dr. Les Carter explains how their goal is to manipulate you in the process of elevating themselves. But once you can spot their tactics, you can become free from their antics.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@kaycampbell8532]

Conflict is their drug of choice. That's how you know you're dealing with the devil.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Conflict reveals character.

[@schizorap]

Definitely their drug of choice

[@meralguzey..ph.d538]

Yes

[@scruffscrofula]

Really well said!

[@ummlili]

"Narcissists bait you to become a less version of yourself than you want to be". This hit the nail on the head!

[@misskarenjunger]

Exactly. The hardest part for me was the judgement from others when I did react.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Yes! Do not bite the bait; or sink to their Rock Bottom Level...

[@cameogutierrez3466]

Agreed

[@coldfact.]

​@@misskarenjungeryes, its so hurtful & makes u feel like they never truly loved & cared about u at all, since apparently they don't know u & are judging u. U feel u must defend urself & all the narcs tactics & thoughts sinisterly move to the flying monkeys minds & can become ur whole nightmare reality bcuz u focus too much on it. The pain is deep, esp when it's ur family. It feels like they literally put a curse on u!

[@wendychavez5348]

I liked myself less and less over the 5 ish years we were together. I watched myself becoming someone I didn't want to be, and knew that he was at the root of it, though I was also aware that it was MY choices that led to me becoming a lesser human being. Eventually someone helped me understand how he had been influencing my decisions, at which point I stopped paying attention to him. He got jealous and said he didn't want the competition, so I encouraged him to take care of himself and deepened my friendship with the man he didn't want competition from. Funny how things work out when we let them 😅

[@doctorstreamspunk9996]

The only way to win the narcissist's playground games is simply not to play. Detatch. Ignore. Ghost. Because a happy fulfilling life is the best revenge.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

"War Games: the way to win is not to play" Yes! In the words of (paraphrased, opposite) of the Lost in Space Robot B9 "This computes!"

[@Brenda1235.]

When is a narcissist baiting/gaslighting/lying etc....when their lips are moving. 😂😂😂

[@carlanfoltz8536]

😂😂

[@southerndove7213]

This channel has been a God send. Recently discovered my mother is a vulnerable (covert) narcissist. I always knew something wasn’t normal but couldn’t find a “name” for it until recently. Explains so much and so many memories. I’m in the midst of a 3 week silent treatment she’s employed. This channel has been a wealth of information. Thank you!

[@thebeboshow4421]

It sounds like she retains all the power if she initiates and controls silent treatments and you actually notice.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are quite welcome.

[@billstewart1747]

8 weeks “no contact”. It’s been so freeing!!

[@cc1k435]

Finding a name for it has been a very big deal. A relief, and a shock, but also a place to start figuring out things.

[@christinelamb1167]

@southerndove7213 I experienced the discovery that my mother is a narcissist about 5 years ago. I was like you, I always knew that something wasn't normal about her. The way she had behaved toward me since I was little, all the way up into my adulthood, just didn't make sense. Yes, it explains so much, and so many memories I have throughout my life and dealing with her. When I found out a name for it, Narcissistic Abuse, the puzzle pieces fell into place! I unfortunately no longer have a relationship with my mother. I had to finally go full no contact with her over 3 years ago. I had tried minimal contact for quite a few years, but she finally did something that was so over the top, I could no longer have any respect for myself if I continued to allow her to hurt me.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Anything that can require a defensive response from you is baiting!

[@tbunnyshy1]

Yep! 🎯

[@laurence.MusicAndSights]

So true 🎉

[@roxymovie3938]

Exactly! 🎯❤

[@evelina787]

This is so immensely true Shamefully, they seem to truly love, to receive a defensive response ✨☘️🙏

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@evelina787 Yes, a defence response usually encourages them to attack you further!

[@KoolT]

They ASK questions to set you up

[@estrellagomes401WAVY]

🎯

[@druidathanaric7582]

Deliberate non-cooperation! Yes, 100%! Purposefully making everything difficult for no reason other than to create chaos.

[@RoadrunnersOfCA]

Yes. Oppositional.

[@pamelar5868]

I am with you in this one being SO true, and one that only I am able to see. I have learned not to bother trying to get anyone else to understand. My mother is very old but still very "here," although now one of her games is to play up her old age and forgetfulness whenever it suits her needs for narc supply. She uses this all the time to bait me. It is a weary walk.

[@wayneelliott1180]

Yes, totally. I learned to turn left when the narc expected me to turn right. Absolutely enrages them. Once we realise nothing we do will ever be good enough for them, it's liberating to clown around and confound them. They hate us anyway.

[@southernbellerising]

100% 🎯

[@jackedkerouac4414]

The narc is my life loves to do this: create drama, I react, now here comes the big serious sit down talk so they feel super important. Of course it's then they become the calmest most diplomatic person. It's like get over yourself Michael Corleone this isn't a movie

[@randomcertainty2079]

It's like narcissism is a spider's web game of baiting you into their territory. Once you get entangled and the harder you struggle, the more advantage they have in capturing you.

[@xxxvcvv]

Totally agree 💯 the only way to escape is to "play dead' or not participate in the behavior at all. No matter what. Give them nothing. Even when they're saying horrible things about you, to everyone.

[@EarthborneArt]

Very good analogy.

[@tbunnyshy1]

@@xxxvcvv 🎯

[@tbunnyshy1]

Yes 🎯

[@virginiabraden6849]

​@@xxxvcvv just walk away, block them and when you start to look back, remember Lot's wife.

[@ErumEhmad20]

Narcissists want us to eventually turn into a narcissist so they can justify their own behavior. Or to prove they were traumatized and everyone who is hurting will eventually hurt others. I understand now why Dr. C is always emphasizing we don't forget our ability to stay empathetic. And the ultimate bait in my opinion is their circular thinking patterns, and the need to draw everyone around them, into it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true.

[@MegDD3912]

They have to be evil to put that much effort into things constantly

[@lilysleisure1918]

They always win and people will always side with them and mock you😢... Even your family 😢.. I don't get this

[@michellehill718]

Yep! Many narcissists absolutely do seem to believe that everyone who has been hurt in some extreme way will eventually hurt others in the same or even more harmful ways. An individual being able to live a relatively normal life of genuine depth and meaning beyond "trauma" is foreign to them and incomprehensible. Narcissists love to misdiagnose solid individuals who are actually very well-adjusted, competent, resilient, and sane. Go Figure! Lol🙃

[@mindysmith3683]

I believe

[@EarthborneArt]

It's pretty easy to recognize the baiters on social media. No response, is a response.

[@secondhorizon]

Casual pleasantries typically precede the baiting ~ as setting the hook while you are *at ease and unaware(s)* enhances their thrills.

[@tbunnyshy1]

So true 🎯 Now I know to wonder why things are going so well. Its pretty sad.

[@TheEllaTB]

Yup! That's why I have now shut down all verbal conversation with my husband. I told him if he wants to communicate it must be through an app where everything will be in writing

[@noshame5791]

​@@TheEllaTBgreat idea

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

The "how are you?" question set me up for misery from the narcissist.

[@emmsue1053]

Pleasantries then somehow wandering into an empty room & sitting down, you automatically follow. Beware of being alone with them! Honestly feel the best treatment is a none direct response & a jokey reply. Have a practiced "giggle" to follow up with. They hate your happiness!

[@darrynreid4500]

My personal favourite is the mind-reading vituperation, where someone will make grand pronouncements about what you supposedly think, in order to condemn you for positions that you don't hold. They're not interested in letting what you actually think get in the way, either, since they just know your thoughts better than you do.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on.

[@chrisantoniou4366]

When they lose an argument they turn on you as a person... "You think you're so good, well let me tell you, everytbody thinks you're an idiot, and so-and-so told me he can't stand you, etc. etc. etc."

[@enjoynature5261]

Why are there so many narcissists that there are literally thousands of youtube channels on it! This sucks! These people do so much damage to the innocent and pure at heart. So sad.

[@mountain10]

They sure do!!!!!😢😢😢😢😢

[@soloman747]

Social media and online dating are environments that help them thrive. Since there is more social media and online dating, they multiply.

[@jsf8145]

Simple answer to that question: 2 Timothy 3 🤏 John 16:33 👌 Isaiah 53 💯 Psalm 110:1 👀

[@finster1968]

Yeah it’s awful, but be grateful that the KZbin channels are available now. Many people went through decades of abuse without any access to good information.

[@starseeds8121]

Indeed

[@nicoledixon-tt3vg]

My narc is experiencing incredible hardship right now. Baiting BIGTIME. Must remember that it's not me he wants back. He only wants "supply" because he's struggling.

[@johnnynephrite6147]

One thing they do which Dr Carter eluded to is consistently reject your accomplishments as not good enough. They are never impressed with anything you do. Its a form of gaslighting. You are proud of what you've done, but they're telling you that your emotion of pride is invalid.

[@tbunnyshy1]

🎯

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it!

[@chrisantoniou4366]

Exactly, they belittle you to feel better about themselves. They are pathetic losers who put down every positive thing you do and play up every minor flaw... Avoid them at all costs!

[@Kara-mx4ew]

they are jealous. minimizing others, allows them to feel superior.

[@stickwitch13]

This is deeply accurate in my experience. My covert/malignant narc spouse even gaslit me to believe that my healing & unifying accomplishments (I’m a health care professional & community organizer) were a mental illness because of the validation I enjoyed & received. In reality - my work & life is the healthful healing response to childhood & religious abuse/trauma.

[@tbunnyshy1]

They provoke a reaction by saying something they know will upset you, then use your reactions against you. “Gotcha”. My mother will stare right at me, looking to see if her game worked. 👀 They gaslight (hide or move your belongings and say they never saw them). They shame and embarrass you in front of others. Practicing zen, removing my ego with no need to “win” is key. We certainly do not want to satisfy their sick need for “power”. Getting “caught off guard” is my weak point. Be prepared and steer clear of the daily “set ups”. If we fall, we simply “begin again”. Thank you Dr. C. 😊

[@lacecurtainirish]

I agree. Reactive abuse was my sister’s specialty. When I stopped engaging, I was able to see her behavior from a different perspective and acknowledged it as manipulative and self serving. No one came from my family unscathed but we were each broken in different ways. I’ve wondered why we all grew up in the same dysfunction but came out so dissimilar. I can speculate but I guess I’ll never know.

[@Hatbox948]

My ex narc love humiliating me in front of people. It's demoralizing.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I suspect you may have developed nerves of steel ❣️

[@suzanne4396]

The narc recently in my life would ALSO say things he knew would upset me and get a reaction; other women, watching porn, if I didn't do _____, he'd " just find someone else then." A couple months ago I asked him if he was cheating on me, if he was being faithful to me -- and rather than answering he said " Why are you so insecure? It's annoying." So he never said no he wasn't cheating & yes he was faithful. A month ago he told me he was going to start spending time with an ex, a "friend." And looking back over old texts from months back, I realize he's been spending time with her for awhile. So he baits me to ( still!!!) spend time with him sexually, and if I tell him I'm not settling for breadcrumbs any longer, he'll say " Ok then, I have another option...". And it works every time. He baits me into doing what he wants. Then I feel demeaned and used afterwards. .. They say narcs Always need a main person and another they keep on the shelf... for further supply.

[@cmoore6895]

@@suzanne4396 stay strong~stay healthy

[@pennylynch913]

I'm not qualified Doc, but i've got another word 4 this and thats BULLYING!

[@aaronkwolfe]

Baited by outrageous accusations. Also by appeals to my morality, good nature, and/or character. It took awhile, but ended up with a simple shrug when baited. I learned (over time) that appeals were merely precursors to arguments and blame.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're on it, Aaron. Hope this one resonates with you!

[@terminsane]

this explains the far-left political spectrum really well. They pretend to care about people and issues, but the moment any of those people disagree with policy, its a complete 180 and out come the fangs

[@christinelamb1167]

Yes! That's another tactic, the outrageous accusations! Wow, have I ever experienced that more than once. And yes, they take advantage of our morality and good nature. They hate it, because they themselves are so full of darkness and immorality, and we are the complete opposite of them. That's why they seek to destroy us.

[@nancytwigg4631]

Hi Aaron, Sorry you had to deal with her bairs and attacks, but it sounds like your coping was very informed and strong throughout. TH Strong.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@nancytwigg4631 Nancy, I learned (even before I learned about narcissism or TH) that there was suddenly no pleasing her, and journaling helped me reflect on scenarios. I figured out that not reacting (but instead, responding) was the first thing I began to change. Then, my own version of what I later learned was grey rock, began to help. It all makes sense now, after reflection and learning here at TH. So, naturally, I want to help encourage and support others in their own path to freedom.

[@Lemana28021989]

I found, as soon as you find you have the choice between fighting back or shrugging it off: they are baiting. Luckily, team healthy IS able to choose the latter, so: shrug it of, say "okay, I see it differently" and walk away.

[@BLessed758]

Literally just experienced all of this over text message last night . The Aggravation , the gaslighting , the criticism , the put downs . Can’t wait to be done with this clown forever

[@anitagoodson198]

You go

[@roxymovie3938]

Baiting can be every intentional, often very subtle, tactic to provoke conflict in you, which turns out as a negative overreaction of your emotions. The result is feeding the emotions of the provocative person while the other person starts feeling... 1. confused 2. uncertain 3. doubtful 4. anxious 5. chaotic 6. guilty 7. scared 8. frustrated 9. angry 10. shocked 11. shame 12. helpless 13. powerless ....etc... Some of their baiting tactics might be stonewalling, scaremongering, triangulation, accusations, guilt tripping, gaslighting... A healthy and mature person seeks problem solving while a Narcissist wants to create problems, which is at the end an endless fight against windmills.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hey Roxy...It's like you've been reading my notes!

[@roxymovie3938]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Hahaha...Well, Gus sent me a message in a bottle over the Atlantic Ocean and with the aftermath of hurricane Idalia your notes came just in time, Dr Carter 😉

[@laurence.MusicAndSights]

ROXY is not made of rock🪨 here but an Oscar should be awarded to you as THE future movie producer of " Narcissist final abyssal fall"🥶 YOU really impress me with your perfect and grasping summaries of Dr Carter s exhaustive podcasts . Are you his deputy 😂 ? A peace Novel Prize to Roxie . I copy your notes on my narc diary. So helpful 🎉❤ Indebted to your hardwork and understanding of the dirty mind of those creatures

[@dakoderii4221]

The gooberment's playbook right there. Divide and conquer.

[@roxymovie3938]

@@laurence.MusicAndSights Bonjour Laurence, merci pour vos nombreux compliments 🎉 No, I don't know the French language, just tried the google translater, haha. Making a film about Narcissism would be a good idea for I made lots of short films and series in the past on a platform, all sorts of subjects, from fairy tales to psychological themes - not as a profession, just as a hobby. Well, I like writing summaries for it gives more clarification - but this one was not a summary but my own thoughts about this specific subject 😉 I also like diving deep (not in the water although😅) into subjects to understand the complexity a bit better. I am glad that my notes are helpful for you and I feel honoured that you copy them into your narc diary 🙏💛🙏 Hope you are experiencing more peace 💟🕊 and are able to move forward🚶‍♀️🥳

[@laurenclark2081]

It gets exhausting like I’m fighting demons that just keep coming. I got out of a romantic relationship with a narcissist and then I find it most of the female friends around me are narcissist of some type or another also. It just makes me want to lock myself away and not interact with the outside world. It gets old and tiring really fast

[@schizorap]

There is definitely a demonic possession feeling I get from the Narcissist in my life

[@starseeds8121]

I understand wanting to lock oneself away.

[@mysteryandmeaning297]

Women have a tendency to be more selfish maybe thats why and out for what they can get

[@MCat-yv3hl]

I can relate to your experience. Once you recognize those narcissistic behaviors, you’ll see them everywhere. It can be very discouraging.

[@lindseywooten2882]

I totally understand it. I was in a narcissistic relationship for four months. Once I recognize what was going on I left however, it has left a negative impact on how I feel about ever entering in any kind of relationship but I know there’s still hope in Jesus, there are still good people out there don’t lose hope I don’t give up.

[@Lovelife20004]

They like to act exasperated with you, and out on this fake annoyance. Dr C called it “chronic irritation” that’s a perfect way to describe the way they act with you.

[@pinkyndebrain4578]

My narc husband baits me by criticizing me in the kitchen while I’m minding my own business in the living room. Acts just like his mom, I just don’t give him the satisfaction of reacting. Divorce is in the works, trust me!

[@user-bf1zi7fx9z]

It's my life too thanks😊

[@markjayw666]

They can throw things, scream at you, call you horrible names, threaten to start and drive your ski boat off with the anchor down, hit you, threaten your property, kidnap your children. The list is endless

[@aliceroberts1980]

My narcissistic husband always throws things screams so you can’t be heard threatened to throw my iPad across the room that I let him borrow till I finally just took it away from him and then he had to buy his own and he whined to me like it’s some kind of crime buying your own stuff I told when you act like a child you get treated like one you don’t threaten to destroy somebody’s property and still get to use it.

[@markjayw666]

@@aliceroberts1980 Sounds familiar

[@jeannedouglas9912]

Emotionally stunted behaviors. Like a very unhappy and unhealthy two year old.

[@starseeds8121]

Yes it is.

[@chrisantoniou4366]

@@jeannedouglas9912 Exactly! Behaviour that didn't change as the child grew up and then became "fixed" at puberty.

[@jeannedouglas9912]

The "left out" card is a very popular narcissistic baiting tactic also. Thanks Dr. R for trying to help people to understand the horror of narcissistic abuse.

[@michelleharkness7549]

For the record ~ please everyone apply techniques of caution in all dealings with all people: stay safe

[@thelastwin]

Don’t forget the “tears” tactic when all else fails.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ah yes, turning on the spigot! Like I said, there were plenty of other tactics I could have mentioned. That's a good one!!!

[@Imoenn]

This recently happened to me, roommate who I swear, never cleans has found a tactic of telling me I leave the bathroom in a mess and she has to clean up after me. She says this problem exactly the same way every single time it's really bizarre. Worse yet, she brought up my mental health to shame me "Look, I know you don't want to clean because you're depressed." even though I clean up after her! Can't wait to move out.

[@simjam1980]

Gaslighting drives you crazy.

[@lastthingsministry]

Yes they all do this. Whenever you call them out (or even if you dont) they will use the 'you're mentally ill' label all the time. The best reaction might be 'well of I'm mentally ill -- shouldn't you be more kind and considerate to me as I'm struggling?' As only they are allowed to be a victim, watch them tell you that you are lying about being mentally ill just to get attention. They will even do a 180 on their previous position. They will steal your credit for doing good and put the blame for the evil they do on your head!

[@hathlete4ever916]

It's like a "one upmansship or downmanship" and an "I know it all" attitude along with all of these. When either you ask or let them know how well you did something, they have to say they did something better, or if something bad happened, they have to have a worse incident. They hijack stories and conversations to make it all about them.

[@ricecrash5225]

I am just kicking myself for not seeing this earlier. 20 years in and the lightbulb moment was when I tried to talk to her about how I felt and as usual she didn’t want to hear it but this time said, “ OMG are you going to say the same crap you’ve been saying for 20 years.” I paused, thought about it and said, you’re right……..and we are done, I wish you all the best. That was two weeks ago, gone no contact and the more I watch these videos the more I can’t believe I didn’t see this earlier.

[@Harmonious-jm3sy]

Wish I would have done the same. Wasted 40 years of my life with someone I look back on in utter disgust.

[@silaswalker2266]

Dr. C is like a supportive dad figure. Great video btw

[@maddie8415]

The narcissistic non-apology that I've noticed is a go-to for many is the "I'm sorry that YOU ____". Maybe they're "sorry" that you're so sensitive, or "sorry" that you got upset. As long as they're not sorry for their own actions, and can project the blame onto the person they hurt.

[@seven2025]

Thank you for this. I'm finding that knowing all of these tactics is key to remaining unreactive. Bringing up controversial subjects and sensitive matters is a tactic I'm familiar with and once you see it for what it is - a baiting tactic especially in front of others - it is so much easier to remain quiet and calm.

[@valking3197]

Yes! Key: seeing it for what it is!

[@-norsecode-]

They're allergic to boundaries.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Yes, it's almost comical how our free choices really bother the narcs 😂

[@teresadvorak6145]

Yes, it's almost comical how our free choices really bother the narcs 😂

[@carlanfoltz8536]

😂true

[@FirehorseG]

I was duped by two Narcs. One overt which was easy to spot, but the Covert ex was a doozy.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Learn the title of each tactic so that you can call the tactic out- even if calling it out in your own mind and not out loud to the narcissist because the narcissist will be sure to toss in another tactic if you actually call them out. Once you learn what the tactics are titled, write those titles and definitions in a journey and recall past times when the narcissist exhibited the tactics so that you can be more prepared when the narcissist show these tactics again and you will be/feel more prepared. You might also add to the journey according to each tactic ways you’ve handled any given tactic… what worked what didn’t work so that you can hit that nail on the head (😂 instead of wanting to hit the narcissist on the head haha) and be done with it without REacting in turn like the freaking narcissist. Or… just leave. Not everyone can leave. Not everyone wants to leave. Be strategic if you stay. Enjoy your freedom. No one (especially not the narcissists in your life) can take away your freedom. Be you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so spot on, Kelly! Now...go sell lots of tea and herbs today!!

[@DaphneBlake-gu5tw]

Thank you for your great advice, Always Stampin! I am def going to try your suggestions out!😊

[@cherobinson6371]

Ultimately u shouldn’t be communicating with them You are free when u are not talking tonthem at all.

[@tbunnyshy1]

Thank you for this! 🎯 I have homework to do! Good to see you! ❤

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

Thank you Dr Carter, It took me 40 years to realize I was married to a narcissist, not really knowing what narcisissm was; I always knew something was off with our relationship. I've been separated for nine years but my ex husband, the narc has almost succeeded in ruining my life, and the recovery process is slow.

[@starseeds8121]

I agree that it is a slow recovery process.

[@Harmonious-jm3sy]

Took me 34 years to realize being her pleaser meant my demise. So glad to be away from that demon.

[@christinelamb1167]

Wow Dr C, you absolutely nailed it with these examples of narcissistic baiting tactics! I have experienced every single one of those with 2 specific people. And you're right, the list is endless! They will stop at nothing to suck you into their mind games.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated! Best wishes to you.

[@EricaNernie]

Yep. Me too. I am familiar with all of thesetactics. It's almost amusing - as if they have a playbook ("right, now today I'll try tactic number 3.") because they all do the same things.

[@MarkCook-en4iy]

@christinelamb1167.Hello dear, I saw your pretty face so unique I can't skip your profile without sending you a message...... I will be glad to hear from you soon!

[@Xenophanes198]

When I confronted my ex about cheating, she literally relayed an entire list of my shortcomings and mistakes I made throughout the relationship. "You know, that arguement from last November.. I never really got over that."

[@curtisweber5257]

Mine always had an excuse. She would cheat to even some imaginary ledger score. You said it right. She out-stubborned me. Never engaging in a confrontation, just making busy mania. Always too busy to sit and talk, act sullen and disinterested when confronted with any misteps in life perpetually pointing blame elsewhere and "blame shifting" 1st and then try to erode her blame with justifications. She did this b/c "X" happened. And she would move on blame free.

[@TheEllaTB]

What my husband does every time I confront him about something

[@Harmonious-jm3sy]

Lol, they’re caught cheating and blame you for existing and insist you go to counseling. No accountability whatsoever from a narc.

[@fxdpntc]

They learn how to push your buttons.

[@eyotachenoa3132]

Can't expose your buttons.

[@Boblablabla]

I was blessed with 2 narcissistic parents. You've helped me understand my own doubts, insecurities, shame etc and the source of these debilitating feelings. Mind fuckery at it's best. Demonic at it's core. It's so insidious and hard to detect.

[@kaddylady5853]

The "Yeah, but..." apology is exactly what the narc does.😢

[@Lovelife20004]

Triangulation from my narc mom “did you know you’re the only one of our children who drink alcohol! ”… which is not true as my sister drinks but it was a good way of having a dog, and putting me against my adult siblings …so just as Dr C says, the subject is often irrelevant, because it’s all about them getting that dig in. A narc mom is so toxic it’s hard to explain unless you have one

[@denisesatt7044]

This topic of baiting is very much appreciated. Dealing with narcissists and their manipulations is unending. . My sister and I work together to maintain dignity with civility and you, Dr C , help us immensly. Planning a limited family get together and damn if the toxic influencers arent trying to plant poisons. I find we are often saying to each other" i wonder what was actually said" ? thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@francesbernard2445]

You mean like often triangulating by dropping the word for example - lazy while often not following through. Or worse. While trying to isolate us further. Yeah. Their ultimate goal is always always only to prove themselves as being the superior one. Like at someone's birthday party where one of my exes had shown up too. So he could tell me for staerters that our eldest biological son is lazy. Nothing could be further from the truth. After telling worse lies to me about him too. How long does he believe he can get away with doing the lying thing and why did I choose to marry not one but 2 liars? That is why I come to Dr. Carter's Ypoutube channel for answers as to maybe why.

[@angelamwatts]

My mother was a covert narcissist. Boy you hit the nail on the head when you said that they love to gather data on you and then use it against you at a later date. Here's what it looks like, storytime: I had an abortion in the late 80s that I kept private and wanted to keep private. Being that I'm Roman Catholic, I struggled with the pain and guilt of having made that fateful decision. In 1993, my narcissist mother found out from someone else (long story) and swore to keep it to herself. We never discussed the issue as she was not someone whom I could trust. I was really worried that she would say something at some point in the future to other family members. I didn't want my grandmother (her, MIL who was very religious and whom my mother hated) to find out. Fast forward to Easter Sunday, 1995. I had invited my parents, mother, Aunt and sister to go to Easter dinner at my home. Everyone is in my car (except my father) were en route to my house for dinner. My mother was mouthing off because she had got into a fight with my father and was really ruining the day. So after I repeatedly asked her to stop to which she ignored me, I told her "thank you very much for ruining Easter Sunday." She then responds "and thank you very much for having an abortion, bitch." Just blurted it out for everyone to hear and was quite cruel. My grandmother who had nothing to do with the argument, was hurt tremendously. My narcissist mother scored two touch downs on that day. She not only ruined the day but also managed to hurt her mother-in-law tremendously who didn't deserve that. This happened in 1995. My grandmother passed away a few months later. After it had all blown over two years later, I explained to my mother how deeply hurt by what she said because of how much it hurt my grandmother. She responded by saying "oh that's nothing, lots of women have abortions." She just didn't live in reality. This woman was the devil incarcerate. Oh but I got sweet revenge on the narcissist. She pulled her final stunt on June 23, 2009 by filing a bogus restraining order on me and setting up a situation where I had fallen into a full-blown WICKED ATTRACTION. That stunt nearly caused my son to get shot and killed by police because the narcissist exaggerated a incident and lied to police. Anyway, it all got resolved and I had power of attorney papers drawn up, and she gave her darling golden child son Power of Attorney. She regretted it. He turned around and put her in a nursing home. She died there alone because everyone was FED UP with her lies, manipulation, and her NONSENSE! He was the only one who visited her when he felt like it which wasn't too often.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

A thought for your MIL: It's called Karma & it's pronounced "ha-ha-ha!"

[@angelamwatts]

@SnarkasticSunny It was my grandmother and my mother's MIL. I see what you're saying, though 🤣. Narcissist mother got hers in the end. Nobody bothered and she lost her freedom. She was pissed because she felt tricked into signing over POA to my brother. Unfortunately it was either she let him put her away or go to jail for writing bad checks, etc.

[@justinwatson1510]

According to scripture, the soul enters the body with our first breath. In the Levitiacl laws, causing a miscarriage does not carry the same penalty as committig murder and there is even a recipe for a drink that is supposed to induce abortion if the child was conceived by adultery. You did not kill anyone by having an abortion, you made a difficult, private decision that is nobody's business but your own. If anyone wants to think less of you for that, that doesn't mean you need to let their opinion of you change your own opinion of yourself. I am sorry you found yourself in a situation where such a decision nedeed to be made, and I am sorry your mom failed as a parent when you needed her.

[@patriciaguerrero4934]

So right on! The closest my ex ever came to an apology was "I'm sorry you got mad". He used to "joke" about when the Vikings invaded Ireland and raped Irish women (yes, I am of Irish descent).but I was the one without a sense of humor because I didn't find it funny. He has every one of those baiting traits=his favorite past time. These lessons have helped me so much in being able to guide my daughters and help them learn to deal with their father's narcissism. And Gus is always a joy!

[@t_nels]

How awful! It's sad how it affects the whole family.

[@carolhargis7680]

Your ex sounds like a real peach. Mine was similar with the inappropriate “humor”. I learned to view all those things as an invitation to visit his dystopian mind & simply refused the incitation. Now I know that’s called gray rock. If I refused to react he would either lose interest or escalate. Fun times. NOT!

[@noshame5791]

Yeah my husband is Indian and he gets off of thinking about him conquering a white woman. Like it's pay back for colonialism or something... I'm American 🤔 he's not the brightest.

[@ritapearl-im3wv]

Interestingly, before I knew a name for the cluster of negative traits known as narcicism, the teachings of the Bible helped me thwart the attacks of narcicists in my family and at work! I would recognize bad behavior in others, but stay the course personally with the gifts of the Spirit. God is so good!

[@ccalexander1924]

My mom 100 percent does this. My mom let her driving license expire when she 23 ( after she had my oldest sister ). She refused to get her license again and made dad drive her everywhere. After he passed away she expected me to take over what he did for her by driving her weekly grocery shopping , all her dr appointments, b day shopping , Xmas shopping, get hef meds and list goes on. She has even asked me yo call off work to take her to her drs. She isn’t disabled. She is perfectly able to drive. One time she called my sis on her b day and asked if I was there and when my sis said yes my mom told my sis she guess she isn’t getting a birthday cake then ( blamed me as the reason why bc I didn’t pick her up to take her to get my sis the cake ) but when I yelled to her she never asked me to pick her up and get a cake so how would I even know she wanted to do that. Another time I told my mom one month before my b day my bday plans. She didn’t want to go. Then day before my b day she called and asked me where I’m having a family b day dinner the next day. When I told her there wasn’t enough time to get 10 people together in less then 24 hours and I reminded her of what I told her a month ago I was doing on my b day. I got the silent treatment. She ignored me on my birthday. All bc SHE just wanted to get out of the house ( she only gets out house if we pick her up and drive her bc she refuses to drive and refuses to take bus ) . She constantly gives me silent treatments and blames me for things I never done. She is exhausting to deal with so I’m on very low contact for a year now. One of the current things she done to me is when I had my book released. I was so excited. When I met my family know about it her response was “ super “ and she never even bought a copy. Never asked anything about it. She is a nasty person

[@lobsterbisque7567]

My ex gf used all of these tactics & methods to manipulate me. It worked for a little while, but after my loved ones pointed out her manipulations and I woke up after 3mos, I started to emotionally detach myself from her and when I was ready a short time later I disappeared on her without warning. My life has been so much better since I've cut her completely out of my life!

[@Debra-zy5vg]

Another great one, Dr C! Seems like baiting is the platform.....Sets the stage for other narcissistic behaviors by keeping you 'off balance'. Thank you Dr Carter ♡

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well said!

[@Jessica-zf2df]

A perfect example of passive aggressive baiting is slipping into a normal calm conversation a remark that someone made. You are left wondering if it was meant to negatively affect you and plays on your mind. Of course if you mention it you are accused of overthinking every little thing. These videos are literally a life saver. Thank you so much.

[@WastelandWalker]

Totally describes years of dealing with my emotionally yo-yo behaving sister. Always begs for help when in trouble, in any way, then smears, berates & scapegoats when feels empowered.

[@Stardusted1]

Break free from the crazy. That’s what it is, what it creates in us, and trying to explain it to somebody makes YOU look crazy. Been through this my whole life. WTF

[@rllght]

As long as there're people who refuse to admit the damage and harm narcissists cause on other people and the society as a whole, refuse to look directly at the consequences of narcissistic bullying/abuse on an indivisual or a group of any sizes, expose and punish the narcissists for their actions accordingly, we can't rid ourselves of this atrocious pandemic that preyed on so many and destroyed so many.

[@CJ-hz1uj]

It’s good you liken it to a pandemic. That’s what this last health scare was all about, narcissistic abuse of the whole world.

[@patriciaguerrero4934]

Oh my gosh, the "woe is me card" That was so much my exes favorite ploy I used tell him to get off his cross already. Speaking of mothers dying. I, his sisters and brother, my daughters were all with his mom when she was dying and held her hand to the end. He was MIA, off doing something else he "needed" to do.

[@kristineoietibbits596]

Yep he’s been playing the world. Has me card for three months now. Yes his friend died. Yes he went through meth hangover. Yes he went through loss of job but we got an RV payment. We can’t pay rent. Oh I’m a bitch but I’ve got a job and I’m working love my life.

[@elishacanny8793]

You have clearly met my "mother". No contact has been a god send.

[@katthompson3852]

My husband's M O... took 36 years to work it out... Dr C is a God send to help and educate others not to suffer the time and life of the consequences of these people.

[@SWISHLifeHacks]

This is so incredibly accurate... I have experienced every single baiting tactic described, and I'm forced to deal with one or more of them DAILY. It's exhausting, builds enormous resentment, and has left me worn out and bitter. When he says I'll never find someone who treats me the way he does, or a connection like we have, all I can think is THANK GOD!

[@robertaturk]

It never ends. Relentless. Shut down one - next one pops up. evil. See movie “Nefarious”.

[@AnneMarieVoegeli]

Same here. I'm just mentally and emotionally exhausted like you are. I also have a daily basis person. I feel like a shell of myself.

[@karlabritfeld7104]

Omg, this was my ex narcissist husband. He wrote down everything I said. He kept reams of notes in his desk for the entire 7 years that we were together. Whenever we had an argument or a disagreement, he would run to his desk and find his proof of whatever it was I said at whatever time and throw it back in my face. Thank you dr Carter for all of your excellent talks. I've been no contact with my ex for 34 years and your talks remind me of why i left that psycho. Thank you! Im still healing.

[@MarkCook-en4iy]

@karlabritfeld7104.Hello dear, I saw your pretty face so unique I can't skip your profile without sending you a message...... I will be glad to hear from you soon!

[@s.s.8029]

The passive aggressive "compliments" are the worst.

[@josereyes1148]

My narcissist would bait me all the time. I eventually found out what projection is. Basically he would try to accuse me of everything he is, which is a miserable argumentive jerk. So after being baited by having my intentions or words purposely misrepresented and twisted I would start to defend myself. The gaslighting would happen and I'd defend myself more and more. Eventually I'd get frustrated and it would turn into an argument. Then he'd have his "proof". He was just joking. I'm too sensitive. Really he is just an easy going cool guy. I'm too sensitive and argumentive and always have to one up him. The "proof" is right here because I was just yelling. Once I figured it all out I was so disgusted with it all.

[@mikediamond353]

I have experienced this Baiting from my father, and my ex wife. I always made the mistake of openly expressing my displeasure with things that upset me. Gray Rock

[@valleygirl2530]

WHOA!! Better late than never BUT I wish I’d had this awareness 30+ years ago!! Both my siblings are N’s who later took unfair advantage of our mother’s financial wealth. Looking back I see things SO CLEARLY.

[@kristiaankristiaan5278]

I managed to go no contact for the last few weeks. She showed up at my house uninvited twice, emailed me numerous times (she's blocked everywhere else). Today I reached out to try and sort out something at an address where we used to live together before. The very same day she's messaging my father telling him I'm "harassing her" and that I'm "clearly going through another episode". And that "she will have to make my life difficult" if I continue "putting pressure on her" (presumably threatening some sort of legal action or who knows what 🤷‍♂️) You absolutely cannot win with these people.

[@amygerges6974]

Dr. C. This is like a university class at our disposal

[@kc3810]

I'm glad you add humor! It helps alleviate the burden of enduring a narcissist.

[@carpathianken]

Being on the receiving end of a narcissistic persons abuse seems so serious & even frightening. Thats why I like that Dr.C adds a lighthearted feel to his educational & therapeutic message because it lets us know that technically narcissist's are just emotional toddlers in adult bodies that want to bully us into submission & should not be taken too seriously.

[@sunshineproductions4122]

My go-to statement: "It's not my job to correct anyone's faulty thinking". I'm not accusing or escalating it.

[@montanagirl4530]

We had packed up to go camping and I brought along a "new to me "vintage water jug. It was in pristine condition and not easy to find in that condition. I reminded him to be careful with it. . . long story short it got damaged, I was bummed of course, but shit happens, it IS camping . . . .but instead of owning up to being careless with it, and apologizing, it was my fault for bringing something nice along. He actually said, "it's your fault, you shouldn't have brought along something that nice". Seriously! He could NOT bring himself to shoulder the blame, even tho he's the one that damaged it. It made me think, if he'll manipulate something this insignificant, what ELSE is he doing.

[@mrsmucha]

Excellent and helpful video, Dr. Carter. This is helpful in dealing with narcissists in organizations who think they are entitled.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!

[@scuffmacgillicutty7509]

Oh my!!! I now know why I've been without contact with a certain relative for 6 years. I will remain without contact as well. She has been toxic her entire life and I will not be a part of it. Thank you for this sir.

[@margaretaklemming2492]

Triangulation. My mother does this constantly, but I had no word for it until recently - I am 50+. So during my life I overcompensated with tactics like sending flowers, writing letters telling my appreciation of people (even so to my mothers friends!), showing overly gratitude until people and even my friends thought it was unpleasant. And of course the triangulaion did not stop. And it is not just to me my mother would say this and this person says this and that about you, she turnes us all against each other.

[@devapremachodron4851]

This all sounds so energetic; it is mental and emotional mind games combined with physical and time distractions and constraints.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

Yes, I experienced so many of these examples from my late mother-in-law. For over 35 years she was such a crazy-maker. So thankful to finally have some peace back in my life :)

[@drcorastack9861]

Dr Carter's insights into covert and malignant narcissism are excellent

[@schizorap]

Definitely

[@patm.-xq5tr]

When I didn't want to get baited into a discussion because I felt the person was trying to find out my views so he could use them against me, I said, "whatever- it will all work out." Is this another way to disengage?

[@thecommentor1064]

i had someone give a public apology in the words of I AM SORRY I EVER DID ANYTHING FOR YOU. Bad enough if he had said I AM SORRY I EVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU (as if everything you accuse them, so just clump it all together), but he didnt say TO YOU, he said FOR YOU and the church applauded him as humble for saying it.

[@fred.k9875]

I can’t wait for this one!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

This one has a 12 point checklist. Let's see how many boxes you check!!

[@Hatbox948]

I need some pointers. I'm a little fuzzy on baiting.

[@lisagaye4794]

I deal with this everyday, as the gang narcissist stalkers continue to plague me, doing whatever they can to get a reaction from me. I do my best to ignore their childish behavior and smile and wave at them. 😊

[@hugmc]

I take photos off my gang stalkers drives most off them crazy but I suppose different methods apply too different situations thank God we in Ireland can’t get legal firearms kinda glad too I would be in jail at 63 old 😊

[@MarkCook-en4iy]

@lisagaye4794.Hello dear, I saw your pretty face so unique I can't skip your profile without sending you a message...... I will be glad to hear from you soon!

[@lindawade1203]

.... And Keep It Moving 💯

[@fifilafleur5555]

I love how you explain their (narcissist’s) tactics, Dr C. It’s funny but not funny because narcissists are so pathetic always looking to start drama. I now know just how to handle my dad’s wife & half sister when they come at me with these games. Thank you so much!

[@almor2445]

My recent ex ticks every single box in this video. I never noticed because I wanted her love so much. Turns out she was cheating on me 5 years and lying since day 1. When I found out and spoke to her, she gas lit, minimised, explained away, gave insincere over the top apologies, baited me into seeming angry when I just wanted the truth... it's all true. She's now telling people I'm stalking her in spite of me wishing them well, asking for no contact and blocking her on every form of media.

[@heatherpesterfield8121]

You are right ,they have many different tactics of baiting you .

[@sunshinedayz2172]

The best way to side step the baiting tactic is to tell them that you will think about their offer or request and get back to them..and never do...

[@audreydaleski1067]

They victimize you, thn play the victim. Best to entirely cut the ties. A fence to hold you hostage.

[@peta333]

I’m living in China because a narcissist ruined our life, I never even realized that my ex was a narcissist until my daughter pointed it out. Thank-You for your wonderful videos.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome. Glad to be with you there in China. #TeamHealthy

[@nancytwigg4631]

As always, thanks for your help, Doc. You are a treasure. Striving for the full return of my peace and joy. Team Healthy rocks!

[@jamiewilliams-xr1pb]

I’m so very grateful for your insight and knowledge of personality disorder narcissism. I am married to one, not quite 2 years, and he seen me coming a mile away.. I’m trying my best to hold my head high and I’m learning how to live with the situation while taking steps to get out of the situation.. Thank you for the wonderful vision of a happier life!

[@EricaNernie]

Leave, as quickly and as safely as you can. Life is better on the other side. NOthing is worth giving up your soul to these monsters. And, yes, they do see you coming. (happened to me when I was in a needy situation once)

[@b8akaratn]

11:23 i have seen #12 be horrific for kids from Narcparents in this form: A child brings home a report card with As and Bs where before were lesser grades. "See that you do it again," is the detrimental response. 😢

[@jennyblankenship1419]

You understand the narcs sooooo well!!! I wish I had known about these people before spinning my wheels for 4 years in a relationship with a narcissist.

[@johnpickett8533]

I just had a thought as I'm watching your videos. My co-worker is definitely a narc...he said my cologne made me smell like an old man. I wear very good cologne ,I'm confident by what the general consensus tells me. So he started wearing Ax body spray....we drive together for our work,he sprays it on everyone 15 minutes. I refuse to be bated.. He hinted for me not to wear my cologne because " he's sensitive " 😂😂...yet he bathes in a teenagers body spray .😂😂😂

[@SeaStarGazer1111]

The baiting I've seen is untrue statements to elicit a reaction or a conversation. Instead, I've not participated in conversation; have not asked questions; have not accepted invitations. I prefer my sanity and inner peace to communicating with this person. And everytime I feel like reaching out to check in, I refer back to an email where projections and name calling were made. It reminds me nothing has or will change, no need to check-in nor restart something that goes nowhere.

[@lynnkalin8908]

Baiting is also know as “needling”.

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

Gus looking mighty comfortable there.

[@puccadawn4334]

I swear you know my life personally sometimes. You address the exact things I need to mnkw , right when I need to know it. Thank you sir.

[@au7-721]

Sometimes I read the comments and could swear you folks know my parents and siblings.

[@tdevergreenparent7491]

Thanks for this! I was able to make a bingo card with all 12 baiting techniques. I use it during meetings with my narcissist coworker to help distance myself and not fall for them.

[@AlesAndBluesGuy]

As is said by the police in uk "anything you say can and will be used against you" says it all really about a narcissist!,also character assinination.

[@SterileNeutrino]

"Deliberate non-cooperation" is no joke and can lead to life-threatening situations that later, upon recall, just evoke dirty laughter from Miss N.

[@thelmarobinette6551]

It’s just crazy making I’ve felt off for years and wondered what was wrong with me

[@anneprocopio8519]

Area of inquiry request: Why does confrontation often lead to the victim being called crazy, mentally ill. Seeing things, delusional. The end stage may involve police lights and sirens, forced mental exams, dramas, gross triangulation, pulling in communities co workers, family members, neighbors, massive gaslighting, drama and chaos? It all seems so excessive, unless power in inflicting pain is the motive.