Navigating Family Estrangement with Dr. Joshua Coleman - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Let me know below: did Dr. Joshua Coleman's experience with estrangement resonate with you? Have you experienced this (from either side)? How did you or have you navigated it?

[@ashanein]

No. He slipped into the dangerous territory of blaming therapists for over identifying trauma?!?! That's a bold claim without rigorous research. We're becoming more aware of trauma and CPTSD... That's a GOOD THING. In addition, saying that therapists are over diagnosing parents is another dangerous claim. Again, we're becoming more aware of emotional immaturity and toxicity. That's not a bad thing. It's difficult to give any legitimacy to Dr Coleman when it's clear that he has serious bias.

[@Ddddddddd885]

No. He scapegoats therapists and his work is minimizing of the adult child’s experience. Highly inappropriate

[@rosazheng7058]

my kids got therapy in their college and then they blame parents and cut off from the family. My samples support what Dr. Coleman's therapy cause 100%.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

How can this discussion be had without talking about abuse in families, how it is generational, and how it has been normalized?

[@ashanein]

Right?! Therapists aren't watering down trauma ffs. We're becoming more aware of it. Big difference.

[@lalique2817]

I would like to hear his daughter's side of why there was estrangement. I found it unsettling and disappointing that Coleman ignores the fact that parents can really screw up the lives of their children and cause damage that lasts a lifetime. In a majority of cases, the problem is not that children have had too much therapy and use too much psychological jargon. And the solution for the child is not as easy as just looking for any good the parent might have done and deciding to focus on that.

[@Ddddddddd885]

Yes agreed

[@jennieeveleighlamond]

Relationships are built on communication and trust. My father married a woman who scapegoated me and encouraged everyone else in the family to do the same. When, many years later as an adult, I tried to address this due to the wife starting to do the same behaviour to my child, the scapegoating escalated. I cut off contact to protect my child, the only person I wanted contact with was my dad. My father refused to communicate with me, despite me begging him to. He chose to the believe the made up version of me that his wife had concocted over years rather than the real life human who wanted a relationship with him. I came to the deeply painful conclusion that my father did not love me or my child and that we had been his thirty pieces of silver for a comfortable life with a rich wife.

[@Martty_4]

I don't think Ur dad hated u. But who I'm I to judge 😢 ...I just feel our parents were so disconnected and had lack of accountability. I am sorry what you have been through. Parents should love and support their kids❤

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love 💕 Thank you for sharing your experience.

[@KristaPrince]

I was estranged from 3 out of 4 children. 1 daughter was in abusive relationship I just met 4 grandsons after 9 years. We reconnected since last year. My other daughter cut me off 3 years ago bc of choices I made. She never spoke to me about her boundaries or things to improve she just cut me off and used her sister as example.. I have a good relationship with my youngest son whom ask me to babysit often. This is healing my heart. I should mention I separated 2017 and divorced in 2019. I think expectations on my kids side were not met by me I was told I never did my best etc. Daughter in abusive marriage.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing your experience, Krista 💕 I'm glad you were able to reconnect with one of your daughters and that you still have a good relationship with your youngest son.

[@izzystamour]

So many red flags with his comments. Also just reading about his practice and the services he offers. This is super icky!

[@krisb.5327]

A relative and her adult children harmed my life. The relative raised a violent convicted felon that caused serious bodily harm to a person per her criminal record. She has been convicted of fraud, insurance fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud and shoplifting. She has multiple drug convictions and a DUI. She was convicted of assaulting a peace office and EMS worker, plus other people. This person with these criminal convictions did serious harm to me and my family. Is this a good reason for family estrangement?

[@rubberbiscuit99]

It makes me sad you feel you need to ask. It is never wrong to protect yourself from abuse.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you experienced that 💕 I agree- it's never wrong to protect yourself from abuse. Your safety is the top priority.

[@Summer_Harvest]

I'm starting therapy next week. I've heard it suggested in a video not to go into therapy with your spouse. Also if one child has been poisoned? I am an empty nester, and was going to go in about my parents, who are aged and one in hospice and how to assert myself so I can have some goals & achievement in my life. Is this a good place to start? I had already had therapy (3 visits and done) about my daughter a few years back. I've had therapy (1 visit) about my parents which concluded with how to handle visits with them. At the time, it was suggested not to go NC but visit little, short and civil visits. Should I just go into it about self or estrangement?

[@terri_cole]

I think it's perfectly okay to express all of this to your therapist. Their job is to help you arrive at what would be the most useful for you to unpack first. If you are interacting more with your parents right now and those visits are introducing the most pain or discomfort for you, then that might be the way to go. But that's not to say you can't ever talk to that same therapist about your daughter. 💕

[@FreshPresh8888]

As an estranged child, this video is making me feel some kind of way. I can’t quite articulate it but I don’t like it. Edit: I say this as a person who has been a fan of Terri for many years. And I am still a fan. I think my dislike for this video has much more to do with Coleman. This is not it.

[@ashanein]

@@FreshPresh8888 i feel you...

[@ericanaylor4056]

Me too. I could probably articulate some of it in an essay but it wouldn’t go down well and probably a waste of time. Parts seemed reasonable and an attempt. Other parts particularly at the beginning. Yeah what you said 😬lol.

[@meganengland3252]

Agreed. The way he packages narcissism as if it’s trendy and as if we, as adult children haven’t desperately or thoughtfully attempted to fix the situation our entire lives, while also being blamed for its dysfunction by the people who should be steering the ship. I feel as if he’s talking down to the adult children. The moment they discussed “hope” I knew it was not for me. It’s exhausting being the child but expected to be the more wise, patient, understanding, compassionate, boundary setting partner in the relationship. F that. If what they are “capable of” offering does not fill my cup as much it drains it, thats my cue to turn off my tap, even if they did fix my teeth and buy me a used car when I was a teenager. Life is about exchanging life energies. When two magnets resist one another, one should not be told that they should stick around because the other one simply does not have the ability magnetize.

[@daniielluh]

Same. My parents are unable to think outside of themselves to make efforts towards a better relationship. This may work for some people.. def not for me.

[@Ddddddddd885]

Me either, Coleman's thinly veiled hostility towards adult children always shines through.

[@breakfastime]

My parent was prosecuted on a federal level and punished for their mistreatment of a child but still maintain its all my fault for the estrangement. I know there are parents out there with “run of the mill” little T instances and ruptures of relationship but it’s hard to watch or listen to stuff about estrangement more geared towards the ignorant. When you’ve been in the system and under watch since day 1 due to your parents choices, it’s not the fault or influence of “big therapy”. There’s definitely room for criticism and dialogue of a systemic overreach but for people like me, it always misses the mark attributing it to navel gazing and excess psychoanalysis.

[@breakfastime]

The end of the conversation was more relevant to me, where acceptance and grieving/mourning what was lost (or never was). This is where I am on my journey currently and a relationship with this person doesn’t seem possible or even desired on my end. Sure I can be “blamed” for that decision to distance, but everything that led up to it? The limitations. It’s just not possible to keep carrying the torch when someone is barely a friend, and actively harms as their baseline. Love definitely doesn’t die(on both sides), but it does go where it’s honoured and can bloom.

[@KristaPrince]

Empathy and understanding much better than judgement.

[@Summer_Harvest]

Thank you, a new subscriber. ✔️