Kindness or Control? | The Hidden Layers of Codependency - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Let me know in the comments: do you have a clearer idea of how to distinguish codependency from just wanting to be nice? What other questions about codependency do you have? Remember to sign up for my Epic Relationships Summit for amazing wisdom + insights from relationship experts: terricole.com/summit October 8-10, and it's free! ❤

[@KR-wb2ds]

@@terri_cole thank you so much. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@ELENA95185]

Hi Terri, thank you SO much for your amazing guidance and inspiration, it's changing my world. I just discovered you very recently, and I'm definitely a high-functioning codependent (15 years after ending a codependent relationship with an physically abusive alcoholic). I got your books and registered for the summit. Excited for this healing journey ahead. I am incredibly grateful for your brilliant work. 🙏

[@Goolia123]

I have a mantra I repeat in my mind, because I really need the kind of “over the top” reminder: “Adults have the right to ruin their own lives.” Again, that may sound kind of extreme, it makes the lines very clear in my own mind

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing that 💕 It's true!!

[@loriritchie1156]

Love that! So true

[@dreamscape405]

THIS❤

[@hollo0o583]

1)Do the nice things if you don’t expect things in return. 2)Answer honestly when asked but don’t dish your wisdom when it isn’t appreciated. 3) Ask if they want to know what you think or if they want your help don’t just assume you know what’s right.

[@terri_cole]

In this specific context of high-functioning codependency, it's not necessarily about not expecting things in return. The distinction is in whether it's a conscious choice to give, or if it's a knee-jerk reaction. Being nice is a choice, a compulsion to help is not (and is not being nice). Just wanted to offer that clarification. 💕

[@interiot2]

That's such a good definition of 'codependency'. There are so many confusing definitions out there, but I feel like this brings clarity. "Codependency is you being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the relationships, the circumstances, the situation, the finances of the people in your life, to the detriment of your own internal peace - it could be your psychological, your emotional well-being - but really it's to the detriment of you. Which means that we are overly invested or overly involved in what's happening in other people's lives."

[@terri_cole]

So glad it resonated 💕

[@litalben5159]

I am a longtime follower of yours and I've read your books, and I watch all your videos. I feel like you are a very articulate woman, and your gentle energy is completely inviting to accept things about ourselves, that may be hard to swallow Everything you describe in this video describes me and many of the people around me. I feel as if I come off as if I don't care if i'm not managing or offering advice. It's so normal for me, being raised this way and not really even realizing this was unhealthy well into my adult years Thank you for spreading this incredible message. I wish this information was so readily available when I was younger. But it makes me very happy that people today are given this wonderful information for free It's a gift

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing and saying so- this warms my heart 💕 You're so not alone. Many of us were raised to be HFCs and are coming into this awareness decades into life. That's why I wrote a book on it and am talking about it so much! I hope we can spread more awareness about it. 💕

[@patriciacrawford3291]

I am so codependent that I habitually do it without even thinking about it. This video has been so enlightening. I desperately want to change as it wouid solve so many issues in my life. Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video.

[@terri_cole]

It is so possible to change, Patricia 💕 I'm cheering you on!

[@Innamoramento9]

EXACTLY THIS. I try too hard to accommodate people, to be sensitive to their feelings. but it's a form of disempowering the other person and disregarding their agency, to doubt they can figure it out themselves

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@stregadisalem732]

This subconscious idea of needing to be in control as one of the hallmarks of codependency was very eye opening. And then the potential for it to become enabling. You don’t even know you’re doing until you fall ill. It puts your nervous system into overdrive.

[@terri_cole]

That's exactly why I'm talking about it! So glad it was eye-opening for you 💕

[@moen4645]

@stregadisalem. Absolutely 👍😨

[@LorraineGrant]

My parents were chaotic and out of control - so I want to do the opposite and be super in control. I see myself as an analytical and 'problem solving' sort of person. This can be useful, for example, if there is a practical problem at work. If I need to decide how to decorate my house or landscape my garden. But with problem solving for others I need to avoid going too far. Giving some casual advice is OK, can help others, and doesn't burn me out.

[@ericamarshall1002]

I so needed to hear this today, Terri! Thank you! My codependent sense of responsibility and over-giving comes from a deep anxiety! I want everything to be “fixed” and everyone to be happy!! But I can’t make that happen all by myself!! I struggle with guilt when putting the focus back onto myself rather than on others (over-accommodating)!! I loved your reminder that there isn’t a cure for codependency as such but we can indeed change our patterns with deeper awareness! I’m making a start … I’ll order your book for sure!! ❤️

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing, Erica 💕 I feel you on this, and you are not alone! I'm releasing several videos on high-functioning codependency in the weeks leading up to the book launch and I hope they're also helpful.

[@ericamarshall1002]

❤Thank you, Terri! ❤️

[@janiebaber]

I am enjoying Terri’s work so much. I recently discovered her. I have 25+ years in Al-Anon and I encourage anyone here to find a local in-person or online group. It has been a lifesaver in my co-dependency journey & recovery, which continues yes every day.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing and so glad you're enjoying my work ❤️❤️

[@stregadisalem732]

When I get burned out, I don’t reach out at all. You won’t hear from me. It becomes the complete opposite. If I try to connect to people I’m afraid I’ll lose myself again. It’s a process of adjustment. It is so exhausting and it’s hard to find the comfortable middle ground.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 Thank you for sharing this.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Being nice needs to be a choice. So helpful! God bless u!!!

[@terri_cole]

Exactly! 💕

[@JessieBrownCoaching]

“It’s still their move to make.” Took my breath away. Grateful for you!

[@terri_cole]

💕

[@jackieboo3050]

First timer here and I’ve subscribed!! Thanks for this eye opening video

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, Jackie, happy you're here ❤️

[@joysachs9032]

Me too. And signed up for the summit!

[@terri_cole]

Woohoo can't wait @joysachs9032 🙌🙌🙌

[@Michelle-uz2ch]

Thank you, Terri, for all your effort, guidance and support for overcoming codependency. I appreciate your generosity, insight, knowledge and wisdom. I am grateful for your gentle, firm, practical approach for navigating healthy relationship dynamics, leaving toxicity behind, creating peace and harmony within me.🌱

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for being here, Michelle ❤️ I appreciate you!

[@Michelle-uz2ch]

Thank you Terri.❤

[@richfaith9992]

Excellent, well said and true. I am a fellow LCSW and recovering co dependent. Keep up the good work. I ordered the audio version of the book.

[@terri_cole]

Thank youuu ❤️❤️❤️

[@LDelight77]

I became aware of my version of this tendency from your work! Have been working on it last 2 years and gotten so much better. I do really value kindness and like sharing resources with people so I do remain aware of my come from! I’ve also become so sensitive now when people do this to me 😂 I can actually track back to the pandemic and before - I had a habit of well as stepping in and offering to help fight peoples battles for them. I got burnt enough times that I finally woke up and realized I needed to learn to help myself first in ways that I hadn’t. Like look at that pattern. 🙏🏼

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing this and woohoo for becoming aware and working on it!! 💕

[@gratefultobehere]

So I’m realizing I did this (still do this) and didn’t know it. It looks like “I can’t wait to tell the kids to try this” (they are ADULTS) because I feel they’d so enjoy or benefit from it. Thinking I might just keep the lips zipped 👄 🤐 Thank you. It sure sneaks up and even when we’re trying to be aware. Ordered the “Too Much” books and will be enjoying the summit. 🙏🙏🙏

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for pre-ordering and for signing up for the summit 💕 In that example, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to share something they may enjoy as long as it's done respectfully. Stick to recommendations you're passing along rather than mandates, you know? The important part for HFCs comes after- if they don't follow up on it, respect that and let it go. Thanks for shining a light on this!

[@heathenstarot]

Hi Terri, I resonate so much with your teachings and I’m often reminded of experiences I’ve had in my own life. What you’ve described in this video is the role my mother and my best friend took through out my early years. Over-functioning, micromanaging, and self-abandonment… all in the service of caregiving, or so we thought at the time. It would be great to hear more about the other side of this particular dynamic too, the role of the under-functioner, the “designated patient”. Perhaps this is in your new book. It seems to me that not every “addict” is even… sick. They just become that way in part because their autonomy is negated again and again. At least, this was me in my twenties. And after a breaking point, I felt the intense need to throw off the chains of control in exchange for love. Coming into one’s own after depending so deeply on another is perhaps just as challenging and disorienting as recovering from the one-up position in HFC. Anyways, thanks as always for your insightful work! 💖

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 Thank you for sharing your experience from the other side- it's so valuable. I focus more on the high-functioning codependent because it's the role I am most familiar with, but you are absolutely right that over-functioning individuals can make an otherwise normal functioning person under-function because eventually, they give up. If the high-functioning codependent is always saying, "I got it, don't worry about it," or, "I'll just do it myself," they're constantly rejecting help. Eventually, the people in their life stop offering. High-functioning codependents essentially teach the other people in their life to under-function. They rob them of their sovereignty, of their ability to be the hero of their own story. It makes so much sense that coming into your own felt disorienting to you given that. 💕

[@heathenstarot]

@@terri_cole thank you for your reply 💖💖

[@hayleysmith9]

So much beautiful awareness around codependency!! "I'm just being helpful" Oops! 😅

[@debrahickman5870]

Terri Again thank you for making this video!Blessings!💜💙

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@user-pg1qt9cp1b]

Thank you so much for your videos and guides. I have been struggling for 20 years not knowing I was high functioning codependent. I have been making changes slowly for 1 year thanks to your work. Watching you from the U.K.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad to hear my videos have helped you make changes ❤️❤️

[@TheUnstoppableChef]

This was very good! Thank you!!

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, thanks for watching ❤️

[@CMackenzie-e5u]

You give such a great, easy to understand definition of what codependency actually is. Thank you. There are so many complicated, convoluted definitions out there that I got so confused. I realized almost a year ago that I fit the criteria for a codependent and I have ordered your new book. I loved Boundary Boss and I know your new book will really help me a lot. Can I ask, is it normal to go so far into our lives and have literally no idea that we’re codependent? That’s totally my situation! Do you reckon it’s ever possible that with enough effort and commitment to truly fully recover from codependency ? Thank you so much, Terri. Your content and teachings so resonate for me.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for pre-ordering and for these Qs ❤️ It is absolutely normal to go decades without being aware of these behaviors. I have a video coming next week where I explain the cycle I often see with my clients, which is that we hit a wall during perimenopause or menopause where we just can't give as much anymore, and we start seeking solutions on how to shift our behavior. (Not always, but it's fairly common!) I have tons of folks in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond in my courses and community. You're not alone. I would put it this way: there's no "cure" for codependency. What we can do is slowly but surely shift our behaviors while also creating more space for conscious choices rather than reactions. For example, instead of jumping to fix something immediately without a second thought, we pause, and in the pause, we remember we can choose to act differently and do so. My HFC tendencies run *deep* and they have a way of resurfacing during a crisis, so I don't think we're ever fully "healed," but we can absolutely get into recovery and develop more awareness with the tools and strategies I lay out in the new book.

[@CMackenzie-e5u]

@@terri_cole thank you so so much for this fabulously detailed answer. That’s such a relief to know that I’m not the only one who has gone practically my entire life with zero awareness that I was actually codependent. I’ve been thinking of joining Codependents Anonymous groups as an additional support tool. It’s so true what you said in your video that societally, we women are absolutely raised and praised for being self-sacrificing and it is utterly and overly glorified sadly in our society. I turned 47 in March and last year, I hit a real breaking point. Peri-menopause must be kicking at my heels I’m sure, even though I haven’t actually had any proper physical signs of it as of yet but I definitely did hit a wall of “Stop. No more.” Things I could once somehow tolerate became utterly intolerable to me. You give me hope, Terri, and I truly can’t wait to dive into your wonderful new book! ✨💜

[@terri_cole]

Codependents Anonymous could be good to explore! I know several folks in my community who have found it beneficial. I'm sure you'll find proof that you're not alone there 💕 I cannot wait for you all to have Too Much in your hands (or ears)! 🙌🙌

[@CMackenzie-e5u]

@@terri_cole I’m so excited to get stuck into your new book. So much of your content and your first book speaks so directly to me and what I’ve gone through in my life. You are a most wonderful way-shower and teacher and you are deeply appreciated.

[@kims1912]

I've started setting boundaries when friends ask too much of me. Ive recently stopped celebrating Christmas and had a friend invite me to a Christmas tree lighting ceremony and tea at a fancy hotel. I had to tell her I couldnt go, she tried to convince me to go, that i didnt have to praticipate in it. I held my ground and told her I would not be comfortable going, but would go some other time. I also recently started observing the Sabbath day and the same friend seemed frustrated that I would not be available on Saturday to go out. Friends will definitely push your boundaries when you make significant changes in your life.

[@terri_cole]

Good for you for standing your ground and not letting your friend wear down your "no"! 👏👏

[@tamterell]

We have to be so careful with pulling others out of the fire 🔥 that could very well be the catalyst for their growth. So many lightbulb moments Terri, “approval vs. witnessing and holding space” and I am so guilty of trying to run other people’s “shampoo stations” 🤦🏾‍♀️ Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

Exactly! I love this epiphany and I see you 💕

[@catlover-s1x]

This was an eye opener for me. Thank you for your content

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@Candlelight777]

Thank you, Terri for sharing the things you share. I have also had people who have made stuff up as if I am their best advice therapist for even made up situations. That fake stuff gets on my nerves. No I'm not the type of person who wants people to have friendship, relationship problems. Neither do I care for people to be in an unhealthy mindset that you should tolerate and stay loyal to disrespectful friendships, relationship with toxic, meddling relatives either. No, that is bad, and we know this period. No one should be all out of they're lane all up in your business period. Trying to tell you what to do and then worse going behind your back trying to force it and use others to manipulate it. Narcissists do this bad. Sad to say, I know that these type of people will keep you sick.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing and being here 💕

[@saraheck7898]

Terri, thank you for such a great video! I struggle between having a servant's heart and not putting my own needs first. Having been raised in a passive-aggressive family, I'm taking baby steps at stepping back before jumping into other's issues. Sometimes, it's hard to hear, but it needs to be dealt with. Btw, you have such a resemblance to Terri on Three's Company (love that show) .❤

[@terri_cole]

Woohoo for taking baby steps! They're actually huge when this has been so ingrained in us ❤️

[@caleuxx9108]

Such important topics - would like to state that many many people (I guess people with narcissitic traits) dont respect personal care and they call us selfish or do revenge with passive-aggression and/or covert aggression.... MUCH OF IT IS quite COVERT ---- brother, father, coworkers, supervisor --- they act, like they seem to think that when a person says they had a fever, that they are probably liieing... and the doctor recommended 2 weeks of rest after a fever is also looked down at, by most who havent had one for a while, .... its like they think we are faking it..... -- Maybe its because they themselves are liers, manipulators .....

[@Euphoricbryanna]

You are gorgeous Ms. Terri ❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@teresaschultz9460]

Thank you so much, Terri, for this invaluable content where you have explained the subtle differences between caring and codependency. I have recently become aware that I am not only codependent, but a high functioning codependent to boot. I very much appreciate your books and youtube content that, along with therapy, is helping me to unwind unhealthy behaviors. 😘

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, Teresa 💕 I'm so glad my content is helping you!

[@well_weathered]

I am thrilled to be joining you for your Summit. 🧡✨️

[@terri_cole]

Woohoo 🙌🙌🙌 I can't wait!

[@KimberleyNomawethuSibanda]

It really resonated when you spoke of feeling like people are taking advantage of me. I often feel like this in intimate relationships and I'm glad that you brought up that it's important to take responsibility for the ways that I serve myself up and shifting to more mutable relationships

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕

[@NAMAHA_33]

Thank u ❤🎉 i am so happy U are here 🤗

[@terri_cole]

I'm happy you are here! 💕

[@felicialenoir3261]

I think this is great for coworkers.

[@Gcuve]

I tell my gen Z kids when they ask me to make their decisions for them “ I’ll let you make that executive decision and I support you”

[@terri_cole]

Love that 💕

[@YaSeSomosAtomos]

Hi Terri! Thanks for your informative content!!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for watching 💕

[@franceslinda7355]

I have a close friend in whom I recognize many of these traits, I've told her about your videos in the past when she gets frustrated when people don't take her advice. This video explained it so succinctly, I was about to link it and send it to her when I thought.......wait a minute! Did she ask for this? Will I be pissed if she doesn't appreciate the trouble I went to to send it to her? Is this my side of the street?? You're the best teacher!

[@terri_cole]

Haha, thank you for saying this ❤️ I appreciate you wanting to share! It could be okay if, the next time you're chatting, you mention you found a video about this situation that was really insightful, and asking her if she'd be interested. If she says no, you can respect that and let it be. Asking for permission allows the other person agency. ❤️

[@solutions4tenants141]

Terri, boom this episode hit the nail on the head for me. Thank you so very much for your content. I have taken the Myers Briggs test multiple times and I keep getting INFJ as my type. Are many INFJ’s codependent? I also grew up as the first daughter of a family of 8 children so I was groomed as a little mother to help others… went to catholic school…pounded into our heads to put others first. I am 63 and I’ve chosen to stay alone and away from people since realizing that it’s difficult for me to watch others suffer. Your videos are a lifeline.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Thank you for sharing. I'm not sure about the personality types, but being parentified as a child absolutely has a lot to do with high-functioning codependency. As you said, you were raised to be a little mother to help others. That is so hard to unlearn. Religion can also have an impact- I was similarly taught to put others first and to always give to those in need.

[@ISing2]

Omg. Nailed it. This is SO ME! I thought I was being thoughtful 😪

[@interiot2]

Right? I definitely felt called out in the middle of my morning commute.

[@terri_cole]

The good news is we can still be the loving, big-hearted people we are when we get better boundaries and behaviors into place 💕 It's just about knowing what's on your side of the street and what's on someone else's side.

[@mrscrofford]

Thanks for explaining what pre ordering means. I had no clue of course as no other author talked about it. I did buy it today.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much 💕 For anyone else wondering: pre-orders are more important than ever in signaling to booksellers that this is a book they should stock. And on Amazon, it helps with the algorithm/ranking and makes it more likely the book gets recommended and seen by others.

[@sherristevens305]

I am a newly retired "Yum Yucker!" Life is MUCH BETTER!!!! Thank you Terri!

[@terri_cole]

Woohoo way to go! 🙌 🙌 🙌

[@HigherHeartWarriorChannel]

Wow! Yes! Thank you!❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@marywolfe6598]

Caring about others more than they care about themselves is a sickness. We all have free will. I have to keep telling myself to stay in my own lane and take care of my own life and business. Even God doesn't push His ways on anyone. He said, choose this day whom you will serve......choices. If I am "trying" to help someone else who doesn't want it then I am wasting my time and they will resent me! I know that I resent people who give me advice that I have not asked for. God help us all to be free indeed as the Bible says.....He whom the Son sets free is free indeed!

[@Martty_4]

Im so glad i heard this. I feel i have been having friends emotionally dump their divorce issue to me without realising i got a life. When u end up advising they bring out some crap from my past. I needed to stop the overfunctioning as i am compulsive but i am ending it now. I am afraid of loosing friends as im estranged from a toxic family i am afraid of being alone as a single 40 yr old women

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion GD ❤️

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

The timing !

[@MegaFaceboy]

Hello Terri. Is codependency something that can be healed or sent into remission by reading books and watching videos such as yours and actively taking what’s learned into account, or is therapy absolutely needed to make the improvements? The info you present is extremely insightful. Thanks.

[@terri_cole]

So glad it's helpful 💕 I think it depends on the person. Only they know what they need and what would be most helpful to them in their journey. I typically say that we're in recovery from HFC as there is no "cure." Big events can send us back into these behaviors and it's something we need to be mindful of.

[@terryrustad1800]

Bravo! 😊

[@НадеждаТолубеева-ж6п]

Thanks ❤

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome ❤️

[@LaurenOliviArt]

Terri, how should I go about acquiring a therapist that is affordable? I need one your videos are helping things come up to the surface so thank you ❤

[@terri_cole]

I have a whole guide on finding a therapist here and I go into some more affordable options, too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gZLRfqCKisqIorM ❤️

[@sizzling_rozes]

So good. Love u

[@terri_cole]

💕

[@KR-wb2ds]

Wow. Reality check for me

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕

[@NjD....]

Aww, man.. I think I'm this way, too.. but is it auto-accommodating or just being thoughtful & maybe a step ahead? 19:58 "But it still IS codependency." 😂

[@terri_cole]

Yep- one of the biggest things for HFCs is being ten steps ahead, scanning for trouble, and thinking of solutions to things that haven't happened yet. I call it anticipatory planning! Again, if it's automatic, it's a compulsion, and it's HFCness. Being thoughtful is being mindful and making conscious choices. 💕

[@amymcdaniel2935]

How do you deal with someone snapping at you. It's so small, like I didn't hear them , so they yell. I feel disrespected. Should I say did you just mean to snap at me? Like I shut down every time for decades. I am the common denominator. I need to start speaking up.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, Amy 💕 If this is a repeated thing, I'd take the person aside and share how you feel. "I notice that whenever you snap at me, I shut down and feel disrespected. I would really love it if you could please take a pause before addressing a problem with me and do it in a neutral manner." Or if it's always about you not hearing them, "I would really love it if you could just repeat yourself without yelling; I do not need you to yell at me in order to hear you." If it's a one-off thing, "Please do not speak to me that way." If they continue, "I've asked you not to speak to me this way. If you continue, I will leave this conversation because this isn't productive and it's upsetting and disrespectful." And if they still do it, leave. I hope that helps!

[@chibuzor_eo]

Unfortunately, this is me and I've been struggling accepting these things because I feel if I stop going above and beyond for my friends or stop approving of what they believe, they would leave me.

[@terri_cole]

That makes so much sense and is valid 💕 When we begin recovering from high-functioning codependency, it can take a bit for others to adjust because we're no longer doing as much as we used to for them. But your value is inherent within you- it's not from what you last did for someone. If some relationships end or fade away, they weren't meant to stay with us. Your evolution is more important than staying in a relationship that was built on your self-abandonment, you know? It is difficult, although I like to think that when we get into recovery and some of these relationships end, more space opens for healthier folks to come into our lives. 💕

[@momione11]

Is your book on Audiobook?

[@terri_cole]

Yes! All of my books are 💕

[@christinainthecity]

Is a self abandoning co-dependent the same as a people pleaser? I'm super interested in this topic and me being a people pleaser, probably more in the past, can relate a lot to being codependent.

[@terri_cole]

There can be overlap! You might like this video where I go over more of the signs of high-functioning codependency: kzbin.info/www/bejne/d6balntjaq59aqM

[@Martty_4]

I sometimes notice when we ask people for advice they think they can control us.

[@terri_cole]

That's a good piece of data to have- I would definitely not be looking to share with those kinds of folks.

[@Debbie-w9x]

I am new.🎉🎉🎉

[@terri_cole]

Welcome Debbie! ❤️

[@GuyVinmara]

I see one big concern here. So, to not be codependent we are supposed to back off on "advising" our partners on how to operate. That's all fine and good...EXCEPT...what if how they are operating has a collateral damaging effect on us? There is no way in good conscience that I would silence myself in that case. If the person doesn't realize that how they are operating is hurting those close to them, isn't it our job to wake them up to it so we don't get hurt?

[@terri_cole]

I think this is where having our own boundaries (rules of engagement) come in. Of course you can say, "This isn't okay with me, here's why, and here's what I would prefer." Like, if they're drinking and that is a deal-breaker for you, yes, speak up! But that's different than jumping in and taking control of the situation and telling the person what they should do. Depending on the situation (doesn't apply if abuse is present), it's worth asking the other person why they're doing what they're doing. Get curious. (I'm actually answering a question similar to this in next week's episode!) I hope that helps clarify.

[@GuyVinmara]

@@terri_cole Thank you. Yes it does clarify things.

[@russellheyns1846]

I feel like a lot of this has to do with evolutionary biology and not just socialization.

[@mammadijacopo3347]

You're gorgeous Terri but your youtube backdrop can be improved!

[@karenedwards471]

Thank you! This is all me! 🫢☹️

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕