Navigating Modern Dating with Logan Ury | Being Well Podcast

We’ve spent a lot of time on the podcast exploring how we can improve our skills in romantic relationships, but for many people, one of the most difficult parts of a relationship is getting into one in the first place.
On this episode, I talk with Logan Ury to discuss the mechanics of dating. We explore chemistry, romance, apps, and how to reframe our self-limiting tendencies so we can find love that is fulfilling and brings out the best in us.
About our Guest: Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and the author of How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. She is the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, and former head of Google’s behavioral science team the Irrational Lab.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:30 Why is modern dating so hard?
4:10 Romanticism
6:20 Being in relationship for self-actualization
8:25 Romanticizers, Maximizers, and Hesitators
12:10 Reframes for the Romanticizer
14:00 What kind of shared qualities actually matter?
19:35 Reframes for the Maximizer
25:35 The tendency to externalize problems and avoid vulnerability
31:35 Reframes for the Hesitator
36:00 Information vs. emotion - appreciation for romance
40:05 Bids and turning towards
43:10 What other things do people tend to underestimate in relationships?
46:40 The aspect of you that is brought out by your partner
47:40 How to use apps in more effective ways
50:35 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
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🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@upendasana7857]

I think at the ned of the day the main ingredients for a healthy relationship is a healthy sense of self or healthy enough sense of self.So many relationships are built on trauma bonds and are often to do with presenting your "perfect self"against what you think are the parts of you which are unaccpetable or unattractive or bad.Its not really that complicated,openness,communication of real feelings which maybe uncomfrtable and a safe enough container for that to happen. Having healthy relationships depends alot on the kind of relationship you have with yourself and you do not have to be perfect but at least have a joint committment to growth and openness...surely

[@hannahmoore9215]

Fascinating conversation. Thank you Forrest and Logan. To me, all of this really comes down to one thing: identifying our own blind spots. Then trying not to beat ourselves up for the blind spots. Amazing how we're with ourselves 24/7, but can have such blind spots to our own habits/actions and preferences, and there can be such a disconnect between what we say we want and what we want.

[@ForrestHanson]

Great summary.

[@mellio9077]

what an AWESOME guest. great conversation.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Very helpful! Great to see practical wisdom about dating .

[@LadyBug-bz2wo]

Thank you Forrest and Logan. This was amazing!

[@meg01968]

I’m dying to know what form of dance ? I adore west coast swing especially

[@gunnersraptor10]

As a 36 y/o hesitator with no dating experience (I was putting off dating until after we won in Afghanistan...), my takeaway is to marry the next person I meet...

[@ForrestHanson]

I think you've got time, but the big blocks for the hesitator are normally: 1. Self-acceptance. 2. Putting yourself out there. Finding ways that feel "safe" to meet more people could be a great way to start.

[@NetKatie]

I think I’ve very much been a hesitator. I struggled with really building my career and professional self during and after undergrad and, looking back, there were dating opportunities that today I would have loved to take advantage of. I allowed my trying to get through school and feeling like I had to make something of myself disable my opportunity to date some really great guys and potentially be in a great relationship.

[@alycebotwinick3950]

Thank you both for this great talk. Please share the resources Logan references.

[@ForrestHanson]

Hi Alyce, here are a few of the books/resources she named: Marriage, A History by Stephanie Coontz Labor of Love by Moira Weigel The All or Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel Here's Logan's dating tendencies quiz if you're interested in that: www.loganury.com/quiz Let me know if there was something else you were thinking of.

[@alycebotwinick3950]

Forrest, thank you so much! I am a huge fan of your show. You and your dad have created a wonderful dynamic, the topics and speakers are always very inspiring!

[@madamecurious]

40:08 bids for connection

[@jakejoymulyk5866]

Of all the dating advice I have listened - I can't find anyone discussing my issue. What if the guy you meet has a horrible financial plan and money approach in their life. So many men out there present everything you 'want' but they can't show up with anything financially. They are always just about to get successful (always in the future). Why can't I meet a guy who is available and can take care of his life??

[@666yaoz]

My thoughts is your visual assessment is too narrow. I would say most hot well off people is the minority. Most well off people don't look the best, although they could probably learn it.

[@DJSTOEK]

❤

[@johndoe-rq1pu]

dating sounds so much worse than I could have imagined.