Negotiating the Nonnegotiable | Dan Shapiro | Talks at Google

From the founder and director of The Harvard International Negotiation Program comes a guide to successfully resolving your most emotionally charged conflicts. In this landmark book, world-renowned negotiation expert Daniel Shapiro presents a groundbreaking, practical method to reconcile your most contentious relationships and untangle your toughest conflicts.

[@jayatsOX]

I took Dan's course at Harvard, it is life changing. Dan is without exception one of the most exceptional people I have ever had the privilege to meet.

[@alienreporter]

tribe effect 1. vertigo 2. taboo topics 3. repetition compulsion 4. assault on sacred sacred, appreciation and over appreciation, listen nad ask open ended question 5. identify politics

[@MrHuddo]

Dan Shapiro has that rare trait of captivating public speech. It is clear why: He is incredibly passionate about what it is he is lecturing on. I couldn't stop watching after clicking on this vid randomly!

[@NathanHarrison7]

What an absolute gift it was to be able to, in effect, sit in the same room with all of these brilliant minds listening to a brilliant mind share his ideas on improving all aspects of our interpersonal relationships. Thank you so much Dan. Thank you so much Google.

[@mr1galt]

I love his way of giving this talk!

[@michaelmoser4537]

I wonder if anybody succeeded to apply these insights - he is a great presenter, presents nice insights, but are they any good practically? Does anybody actually manage to put his group identity aside and to step outside of his tribe so to speak? Also he keeps mentioning a session that he gave at Sharm-el-sheikh, did that manage to move anything tangible?

[@PerspectConsulting]

Great talk - people need to be heard, understood and valued !! With this the Nonnegotiable just became Negotiable !

[@RJYounglingTricking]

was looking for dan shapiro from glowforge (and author of Hot Seat: The Start CEO Guidebook).. stumbled upon this video and decided to watch it.. Did NOT disappoint.. one of the best talks I've seen from talks at google.. ( or more accurately, one of the most personally useful talks). TY!

[@geralynwalkes]

I think this talk is among the most valuable I've ever watched. Two points struck me however as information that is under our noses, but we largely reject (maybe because it does not fit into a preferred, subjective, world view). These are: (1) Successful group dynamics can be "boring" rather than "exciting", and in seeking the excitement of conflict, we get conflict. (48:00 A boring debrief may be an excellent thing!); (2) A successful tribe aligns behind a strong leader and defers to the leader's views (50:00), which may explain the rampant and otherwise inexplicable success of certain tribes (leaders); it may actually be counter-productive to conflate success of the tribe with the moral values of the tribe, and more valuable to seek to put more scrutiny on the values of the leader. Good followers may align behind morally bad leaders. Strong systems require followers to fall in line faithfully. A sustainable (civilized) system would go further and provide a separate and distinct process to keep leaders in check. This would explain the endurance of conflict-inclined leaders. Or am I mistaken?

[@awhodothey]

Good observations. I believe the correlation you note goes something like this: power attracts confident and assertive people. Confidence and assertiveness do not correlate well to honesty and integrity. Remember that 'democracy' was long considered a four letter word for this reason. Masses are attracted to confident leaders, and susceptible to predictable deceptions. And that is, in fact the purpose of republican structures, to shift voting away from opinion polling and towards character polling.

[@amnora3076]

I love the passion of this talk. Thanks for posting.

[@symphantic4552]

Cocaine is one hell of a passion-maker!

[@alliesteamc3546]

Dan Shapiro gives good advice on how to deal with sacred emotional issues, specifically to ask for advice and listen. Seek to understand rather than be a judgmental self appointed judge condemning others and causing conflicts to escalate to violence/war.

[@rakhmire2]

This is exactly the right way to give a talk on this type of topic. You need to make it emotionally engaging for the attendants and that's the only way they'll pay attention. Especially as the topic is related to the way people get emotionally entrenched in negotiations.

[@cameronvincent]

#4 reminds me of a less detailed version of the book why we are polarized because that thing has become part of their identity and they feel personally attacked and go into survival mode

[@RituAgarawal]

Was an amazing talk. Deeply perspective and love the way Dan expressses with so much energy and enthusiasm

[@lakshmis7632]

Great talk! I really liked tat incident about tat old 60s guy. I really had a professor like tat!

[@KilgoreTroutAsf]

He may be a passionate speaker, but oh God was the talk thin in content.

[@aybee2006]

Excellent talk!

[@MrRoland47]

I've just started reading his and Rodger Fisher's book on how to use emotions during negotiations. Brilliant and helpful material. Available in Russian)

[@nomannoorali]

hey google employees thanks for all the work you do

[@mt9977]

this is one of the funniest but informative talks!!

[@MaartenPieters1]

Dan Shapiro gives you a key to open the door to continue collaboration as it stucks by conflict. I recommend it to everyone who is aware that collaboration and conflict come together and that without collaboration you can't create profound solutions for fundamental conflicts.

[@vimaleshv2868]

One of the best talks i have ever heard!

[@abhijithuthaman8803]

Amazing talk!

[@muhammetaliaydin9603]

It was so funny that at some point I thought I'm watching a standup show. Thanks to all

[@azinsadeghpoor8574]

that was wonderful

[@johnsonwang867]

Assault on the sacred. The best story on appreciation of the other one starts from 35:57 to 42:23.

[@alliesteamc3546]

This is very helpful context for US to understand that Taiwan is such an “nonnegotiable sacred” emotional issue for most Chinese. Thanks to Dan Shapiro for helping Americans to understand others to prevent unnecessary nuclear wars.

[@faheemtariq6106]

I learned a lot, thank you so much

[@taguroetits8743]

the guy at the beginning is so sunny he couldnt take his own shine he wore a shade

[@sampalmer2365]

The tree incident gave me brain freeze,my mind screaming, move the point you look from.

[@shreeabraham]

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:00 🎙️ *Introduction and Background of Daniel Shapiro* - Daniel Shapiro's expertise in negotiation and conflict resolution. - Shapiro's experience with Google and an anecdote about meeting Larry Page at Davos. - Introduction to the topic of emotionally-charged conflicts and the central questions addressed. 02:23 🌳 *Conflict Story: The Poplar Tree Incident* - Description of the conflict between North and South Korean soldiers over a poplar tree. - Escalation of the conflict leading to a violent confrontation. - Personal anecdotes and insights into the implications of emotionally-charged conflicts. 06:13 🚫 *Conflict Resolution Strategies: From Bombing to Negotiation* - Overview of the decision-making process by President Ford to resolve the conflict. - Implementation of a non-violent resolution strategy involving cutting down the tree. - Analysis of the effectiveness of the chosen resolution approach. 08:05 💡 *Core Objectives and Framework of the Talk* - Presentation of the main goals for the discussion based on Shapiro's research. - Introduction to the fundamental mindset trapping individuals in conflicts. - Discussion on emotional forces leading to adversarial relations and strategies to address them. 10:24 💼 *Costs of Poor Conflict Resolution in Organizations* - Examination of the hidden costs of conflict in organizations beyond financial implications. - Illustration of how poorly managed conflicts can lead to decreased decision-making quality and employee turnover. - Identification of conflict as a pervasive issue across various organizational contexts. 12:15 🧠 *Realities of Conflict Resolution: Emotional Dynamics* - Contrast between rational problem-solving approaches and the emotional complexities of conflicts. - Description of emotional forces influencing adversarial behaviors even in cooperative settings. - Introduction to the concept of the "tribes effect" and its impact on conflict escalation. 13:41 ⚔️ *The Tribes Effect: Divisive Mindset in Conflict* - Definition and characteristics of the tribes effect leading to adversarial mindsets. - Personal anecdote and demonstration of the tribes effect through a negotiation exercise. - Explanation of how the tribes effect contributes to conflict escalation and intractability. 19:20 🌀 *Vertigo: Understanding Emotional Conflict* - Emotional conflicts can consume individuals, leading to a warped state of consciousness known as vertigo. - Vertigo distorts time and space, blurring the lines between past, present, and future. - Recognizing the onset of vertigo during conflicts can help individuals decide whether to engage or disengage from the situation. 22:12 🤝 *Taboos in Communication* - Social taboos can create barriers to effective communication in conflict resolution. - Addressing taboo topics, though uncomfortable, is essential for resolving underlying issues. - Failure to discuss taboo subjects can lead to further division and dysfunction in relationships or organizations. 30:51 🔄 *Repetition Compulsion: Breaking Dysfunctional Patterns* - People tend to repeat dysfunctional patterns of behavior, known as repetition compulsion, even after learning better strategies. - Breaking out of repetition compulsion feels unnatural and challenging but is necessary for personal growth and conflict resolution. - Real-life examples illustrate the difficulty individuals face in breaking free from repetition compulsion, even when it harms them. 33:17 ⚔️ *Assault on the Sacred: Understanding Personal Offense* - Offending something deeply meaningful to someone can feel like an attack on their identity. - Anything personally significant, from religious beliefs to professional achievements, can be considered sacred. - Recognizing and respecting what others hold sacred is crucial for maintaining constructive relationships and avoiding conflict. 37:06 🚪 *Understanding the Importance of Appreciation in Negotiation* - Appreciating the sacred in a negotiation scenario, - Failing to appreciate the other party's perspective leads to escalation, - Balancing appreciation without over-assuming. 39:27 🗣️ *The Power of Listening and Asking Open-Ended Questions* - Importance of active listening and asking open-ended questions, - Case study demonstrating the effectiveness of listening and understanding the other party's perspective, - Listening and asking questions as essential negotiation tools. 41:48 💡 *Dealing with Identity Politics in Conflict Resolution* - Identity politics and its role in conflicts, - Avoiding negative identity formation, - Fostering positive identity to resolve conflicts effectively. 44:44 ⚖️ *Overcoming Emotionally-Charged Conflicts* - Recognizing and addressing underlying emotional dynamics in conflicts, - Dealing with the five lures that intensify conflicts, - Strategies for navigating emotionally-charged conflicts effectively. 51:53 🤝 *Addressing Taboos in Conflict Resolution* - The ACT framework for addressing taboos in organizations or groups, - Evaluating taboos and deciding whether to accept, chisel away, or tear down, - Understanding the complexity and significance of taboos in conflict resolution. Made with HARPA AI

[@kendralewis5883]

Btw, I loved this talk 😂👏🏽

[@tilosobelman3114]

Say what you are seeing about their emotions. You hear and see a person say "I don't want to be in a tribe with that man!" Maybe see if that person is angry. And talk about their emotion. Then repeat paraphrase back and make sure you're on the same wave length. You're fighting their emotion. Not their stance.

[@venkateshkalla3256]

Thanks for posting the wonderful passionate talk.Negotiation is possible, if the other party comes to the Negotiation table. If the other party with a tribes mindset, closes the door, how can we negotiate the unnegotiable ?

[@danielshapiro9781]

Thanks for your question, Venkatesh! A few ideas: 1. Recognize there is power in one. Although it takes only one to try to sabotage a negotiation, it also takes only one to work to build cooperative relations. Just as hard as the other side may try to make the situation adversarial you can try to proactively work to build cooperation relations. Rather than playing their game, you can play your own cooperative one and invite them in. A simple way to do that is to ask for the other's advice. "Look, we could argue and battle over positions all day, but I'm not sure that's going to get us anywhere. What's your advice on how we might better deal with the problems between us?" (They still may resist, but you are now taking more control over the negotiation process.) 2. Know your walk-away alternative. Sometimes people do close the door to you -- or threaten to. So before you even walk into a negotiation with the other side, it's helpful to think through: What's your walk-away alternative? If the other side acts like a jerk, what else might you do to get your interests met? In other words: What can you do away from the negotiating table, WITHOUT their permission? (If you don't like a car dealer, you can walk to a neighboring lot; that's power to you!) 3. If you are seeking to negotiation with someone adversarial who holds power over you, there are still a lot of things you can do. I talk about a number of ideas in Negotiating the Nonnegotiable on how to negotiate when there are power asymmetries. On p. 126, for example, some ideas include building a coalition of people who hold your perspectives -- so you are now more powerful than before, etc... Anyway, hope this is helpful. We certainly need more thinking in the field on your exact question, as it is critical for helping people in all walks of life. I'd love to hear others' thoughts -- how shoudl you dela with a closed-minded negotiating counterpart?

[@muskduh]

thanks for the video

[@user-dd5kx5md5o]

Excellent talk, love how all the "smart" Googlers got totally sucked in by Dan. Funny, but educational.

[@darwinzamazingstory2932]

Hello Sir ...Can you ask Sir Shapiro ? Is it the one who facilitate my working visa in UK?

[@FuschiEnterprises]

How do I get an invite to the talks?

[@talksatgoogle]

Thanks for your interest! Talks are open to Google employees only.

[@FuschiEnterprises]

Ok sweet, thank you for posting anyway!! Keep up the awesome work and thank you so much for your response, greatly appreciated!!

[@FuschiEnterprises]

hahahahahahahahah, you have lived up to your name, and you are tot' right!! *****

[@prashantvanave8504]

❤

[@Wrightley]

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. This is good.

[@chrislee4485]

Tiktok shou loves him

[@Ms_AP_]

13:35 The tribes effect

[@maxheadrom3088]

The point about appreciation is very important - and, by the way, we don't need to fake it most of the time. There are those times when we have to fake it but those involve clinically mentally ill people. BTW, if you think your cousin from the Midwest who will vote for Trump as clinically insane then you're not appreciating his point of view with the needed honesty.

[@OleBye]

I also have a relationship with google but it's not consensual

[@figapeck5328]

... or how to make yourself vulnerable to people who don't play nice.

[@mtlicq]

I just came across your comment now in 2019, you have the smartest reply.

[@alliesteamc3546]

Another blindspot of some Americans unaware of Chinese history and culture, is “being right” about human rights.

[@lopamudraray4571]

Kids seem to do better in this exercise. Teens does better. It is the adults and the most educated people who really get into more conflicts. Young brains are more inclusive than older brains.

[@user-nv8sg8up5q]

A WEF Young Global Leader... speaking at Google. No. I just can't believe it.

[@KeithDraws]

WOW, google learned nothing from this man. Just ask James Damore.

[@eleganz]

You know...

[@juaneselmapache1276]

Guess it would've almost been World War Tree

[@thecastle09]

Try arguing with my ex wife. She's insane

[@awhodothey]

Why did you marry an insane person?

[@workin4alivin585]

@@awhodothey ...now THAT'S a question precious few of us are willing to ask, let alone explore with any depth and honesty. 👏

[@caylpukkhpvfqcmbskgs7649]

text

[@bhuwannepathya]

.

[@garyschroeder5625]

Dan Shapiro bigotry goes back to the time the USS Iowa was built we'se knows how to this deal w/little humanity left in them - 1903 has the answer bye bye danny boy

[@jimmychen2144]

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[@elijahdominguez8462]

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[@eduardomarques91]

This guy's name is really misleading.

[@user-mu9tm4qv2y]

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[@WilliamBrownGuitar]

This stuff is so stupid. I could never work at Google if they take this nonsense seriously.

[@jon123xyz]

hair could be better

[@abandonedtiger7]

they should find another speaker to represent them. thumbs down

[@davidr4523]

This was the most disappointing Google speaker ever. Did he even provide one specific strategy on how to negotiate better besides endlessly repeating that there are taboo subjects. Okay so how do we resolve them? Also I wonder how many senior leaders in Davos tune out when he puts them through a high school level type of role playing. If you want better speakers listen to Deepak Malhotra, William Ury and even Christopher Voss. With incompetent people like Shapiro involved in facilitating Middle East discussion no wonder there has been no peace there.

[@AutumnDay122]

I couldn't get through 3 minutes of this talk. This guy is so cringey and for someone who specializes in Psych, he sure doesn't show it. "Who didn't get invited to this party? This loser hereeee." And chastising a guy for getting to his seat AFTER telling people to move their seats? Please show some more tact.

[@awhodothey]

I know right. He's obviously someone of a markedly mediocre social intellect. Definitely didn't make his name giving lectures. He had some good points though. Granted they could have been condensed into 1/10th of his hyperactive junior high student ramble. Reminded me a narrative therapy sort of approach.

[@cherokeehernandez9748]

awhodothey but he gave a good talk tho.But like maybe those are just classic dads .i mean i dont expect my dad or a scientist to be cool and social. But i do expectbthem to know alot .he didnt disappoint tho

[@donnaross4008]

Read Bill Ury - you should separate the people form the problem. Shapiro's book is very good.

[@LinYouToo]

It seems as though you have a very specific idea of how presenters or people should show up in the world. If this is who he is authentically and you’re asking him to be somebody different, then how was he supposed to do that?

[@steveprofiler]

If people believe in free will they should obligate themselves to be antinatalists. This due to the fact that they can then choose to not want to be a burden to any living creature. So selfdetermination will be the only logical position to hold if the are not evil by definition.