Never Forgive Infidelity, Cheating!

Yesterday, I published this on my Instagram ( / narcissismwithvaknin):
"If having an affair has revitalized your marriage - then your union has always been sick and dysfunctional, based on deception, mistrust, and abject dependency. A mentally healthy marriage never survives an affair."
It provoked a bit of a storm. So, here is what I meant to say:
I refer to cheating: an affair involving deception. Not to an open marriage or open relationship or polyamory or the lifestyle (swinging) or cuckoldry which do not involve deceptive practices.
Any arrangement between consenting adults which involves no coercion of any kind and no harm whatsoever to others is perfectly legitimate as a way to pursue happiness and wellbeing.
Some affairs are consensual (for example in polyamory).
When the affair involves concealment and lying, to forgive this magnitude of deception and rejection, you need to be mentally impaired somehow.
If the marriage is of two psychologically impaired people, no number of affairs can fix it. This is rank nonsense. Serious mental illness is for life and incurable (though manageable). Ignore the self-interested nonsense online about “healing”. It is a scam.
Mentally healthy people break up after a deceptive affair. If they do not - then they are mentally impaired in some manner. No two ways about it.
Their boundaries are porous or nonexistent. They are dependent (codependent). They regulate externally. They are trauma bonded. They are too anxious to face life and reality (constriction). They cannot perceive their partner as real. They are dissociative.
 
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[@Reevay762]

This should be the deal breaker in all relationships. Once cheated on, respect yourself and leave!

[@Katrn30]

I was cheated on, forgave him, and he did it again. There are 2 types of people, those who cheat and those who don’t. That is what I learned.

[@aleciad7218]

Exactly. Cheating is the ultimate sign of disrespect. It's *impossible* to have a loving, healthy relationship if there is no respect.

[@autumnrose6370]

Never, EVER take an ex back!! Cheaters deserve permanent releas😤👋

[@cherankimiorak1739]

I was cheated on by a narcissist.. Their type of cheating hits on different level. They know what they are doing and willing volunteer. It’s a power move for them. What you don’t know makes them feel In control of the relationship. It’s sick and twisted. Once you have hard evidence of your other cheating, there’s no going back!

[@grimekinder]

I agree the majority of self help is a scam

[@careyolson3446]

Once trust is broken, things can never be the same. Period.

[@JillianReeves]

I love this. The number of people who tell you to keep trying after an affair is astounding. I was made to be the strange one ...having unreasonable expectations. I am not crazy. My expectations are not unreasonable. Thank you for validating that. Bullshit is absolutely correct!

[@timorthelame1]

The experiment already failed and now you have a proof in order to base your conclusion. A person is either faithful or they aren't. There's no gray area. Like virginity, once fidelity is gone, it's gone. And without fidelity, you don't have anything real. It should cause you to question even the times before the cheating. To pretend otherwise is to live in denial. I'm sorry that happened to you and I wish you the best moving forward.

[@cansee0]

Only females will tell you to stay

[@user-ku5vm5jb1h]

Wtf?! Who told you to keep trying?!? Your expectations are completely normal. So glad you know that.

[@dinahnicest6525]

Dear God! My heart goes out to you. The betrayal caused suffering enough, but to be followed by criticism from the people you confided in, the very people you turned to for emotional support. Hang in there. Your comments show that you have the strength to survive. I'm sure you will.

[@JillianReeves]

@@dinahnicest6525 I think that people who have themselves stayed in awful relationships can resent the ones that refuse and call bullshit. I think on some level it makes them a bit ashamed of their own choices so they shame you. I was 100% told that this is the way men are at least he did this...or that... and even that he Obviously Loved me. Peoplea are sick. Admittedly I was sick for a while to put up with it... but no more. I have found my strength. I will survive. I will thrive. Thank you so much for the valildation. Life can be so much better than dealing with these awful people.

[@healthguy79]

Cheating is not only the physical sexual act. It is the secret phone calls, the secret meet-ups (non sexual), anything you do that includes hiding communication with your romantic partner, saying that he/she is "JUST" a friend, the laughing, flirting, tone in the voice, the "friendly" touching etc

[@amandapeterson3659]

including hiding a secret porn habit, which is emotional cheating

[@healthguy79]

@@amandapeterson3659 You are very pretty in your profile pic

[@gerardo9052]

​@@amandapeterson3659most men do porn because they are sex starved by their wives Cheaper to rub one out than lose everything in divorce

[@truthmerchant1]

​@@healthguy79🤮

[@ivanr4300]

Wth??!! 🤣

[@jlm3303]

Wife cheated on me (and our children) approx 25 years ago... I immediately left and divorced.... I literally have not spoken to her sense that day....not even a single word..... The person I loved and cherished essentially died that day in my mind.... Unfortunately I can't bring myself to trust ANYONE else and have remained single by choice. The damage is not something that can ever be fixed!!

[@dauglove7835]

Oh no. I’m almost to 4 years post and was hoping that one day I could have faith in men again…betrayal is a destroyer that you cannot understand until you experience it. It changes everything. Sigh.

[@joeyflowsta3207]

11 months post cheated on, 7 months post finding out. It feels like it happened yesterday. The betrayal and emptiness I feel consumes me. Don’t do this to the person that loves you.

[@Mr_Originality]

I been down that road. It’s gets better if you allow it to .

[@Maybe-cg2tn]

Don't tolerate it.

[@alive4627]

Try two decades later. It still feels like it happened yesterday. Easier to forget when you are no longer married. Remember, if you stay together because of children, they will not be with you for long. Then you will still sit with the problem. I have been married twice. Both of my wives cheated. I am still married to the second. I know you don’t want to divorce again, but perhaps I should have. Sad, but all of my love, care, time, resources, effort, adoration, etc counted for nothing. Disgusting!

[@vedinthorn]

I'm finally getting out of the valley. It can happen.

[@davenaicker4115]

Try 33 years on, and like it happened yesterday.

[@josephrussell4625]

Codependency is one of the main reasons why people stay after being cheated on. Fearing being alone, not being able to replace that person, starting over with someone new, overall history with that person makes it challenging to walk away. Once a person has cheated on you and you were faithful, loving, loyal, and committed. The door will remain open for them to cheat again. Never forgive a cheater, because it's the ultimate display of weakness, not strength.

[@ellencausey6864]

It should be a crime to me! It is something that rips a persons life apart!!!! I feel so strongly about making this a crime!

[@bunny.bunbob]

its actually insane how something as simple as an insult is a crime but not an action that likely causes depressive episodes or even suicide in some people.

[@evakool8241]

If a man agrees to use a condom and doesn’t with a prostitute, that is a crime. However, if the same man goes home and has sex with his wife without informing her, that is not a crime. Unfortunately.

[@mattyg5412]

It is, adultery. Yahweh's law is the top law.

[@Skarlet-ju8sr]

People want their cake and to eat it too. Stop enabling them with laws that encourage such things and reign that nonsense back through Deterrence. If anything this is proof that stupid people shouldn't vote.

[@dojocho1894]

In ancient times women who cheated on their husbands were stoned to death....even in jewish law and others were allowed to join in now that seems barbaric yes...but its the total feeling of how bad it was for the family and the society in general.

[@daryna94]

I fully align with Dr. Vaknin on this perspective. I can't fathom how some people "work through" infidelity. It is a very foreign concept to me tbh

[@aleciad7218]

In my social circle, every single long-term relationship or marriage where cheating happened eventually crumbled. The faithful partners were always mistrusting and miserable, and the majority of the time the cheaters did it again. Staying with a cheater is like waiting for an active volcano to explode. It may not explode today, but it will eventually and everyone around is going to get burned.

[@Maybe-cg2tn]

@@WeezelWayz For some reason lot of men cheat when their woman is pregnant. Worse most evil thing to do to a woman.

[@Moonie787]

Thank you for being a voice of reason in a mostly mentally ill world!

[@denisemarum7556]

Perfect!!👏👏

[@kaycarter492]

too right

[@kaycarter492]

that was the last straw in my marriage

[@abdielbullberg1875]

This world is truly mentally ill, for sure, and this is coming from a guy with ADHD and ASPD.

[@dinahnicest6525]

This goes the other way too. Don't ever be "the other woman" or the "back door man". If that's how they treat their closest companion, their significant other, their better half, you better have to run, because they'll surely do worse to you.

[@Boots27J]

We like to use the word cheating in case we ever do it, doesn't sound too bad, like a game. We don't want to be honest and call it for what it is - betrayal

[@annabystrzanowska-boruch231]

I agree, after betrayal, the affair, people often do not leave for their children (for their good), but no one wonders what kind of "love" such a child learns. betrayal is a choice, it is deception. when trust ends, the relationship ends.

[@dojocho1894]

after a 17 year marriage all of a sudden a quick divorce by the wife. I was blindsided none of it made sense........I thought she ws just crazy but no contact and yrs went by I realized she had met someone else.......then I found out she did.

[@annabystrzanowska-boruch231]

@@dojocho1894 you deserve better.

[@dojocho1894]

@@annabystrzanowska-boruch231 Thanks for the kind words, what is really scary is I'm handsome and a Cardiologist here in Manhattan, doesn't matter.... it just happens to anyone regardless. Best Wishes.

[@annabystrzanowska-boruch231]

@@dojocho1894 there are no rules, no matter who you are, what you do, or what you look like. 17 years or 17 days for a personality disorder are the same, you as a person do not count. you were taken for granted.

[@reneecorkran1486]

I have been divorced for almost 10 years. My ex was cheating on me with his coworkers. Then cheated on his coworker with another coworker. He was the one who filed for divorce. We have 4 children and I didnt work and found out during all this I had psoriatic athritis and fibromyalga. We were high school sweethearts but that didnt mean anything. I havent been on 1 single date and Im ok with it I guess. No one has ever asked me out but honestly I just could never open my myself up to that kind of pain again. 😢😢

[@johnpatzold8675]

FINALLY - A shrink who doesn't pull punches!!!!!! So tired of all the politically correct psychology which worries too much about hurting people's feelings rather than telling me the truth. Thank you Prof. Vaknin.

[@oobeoobe]

To be in a relationship and contemplate seriously being with someone else means you should leave that relationship before you do some real harm to the person you are with. Staying with a partner who has cheated is pretty much a death sentence to your dignity and self respect. Nothing good will ever come of it. If you are exclusive within your relationship and you are cheated on, leave. Never go back. It will hurt and be painful, perhaps terribly so, to leave. But you must. It will never be the same again and the damage you risk doing to yourself by staying..... horrific.

[@Forwardnow]

U read my whole marriage…and me. Thank you for clarifying I was mentally ill, codependent, clingy, you name it. Got divorced from him only to remarry him three years later. Stayed married 5 years only to divorce again of course because of his cheating. THANK YOU for clarifying it was ME continually accepting cheating. No more.

[@Mom_of_3-free]

Working on my exit strategy now! So many people telling you to try and work it out for the kids. Being afraid of the fight ahead! The self doubt, and the hoovering, it’s so incredible. Her I am again, this time enforcing boundaries and saying ENOUGH!

[@SaystheTruth3]

Why did you go back to him ???

[@Nexus31323]

​@@SaystheTruth3 hoovering, it is a technic that narcisist use

[@guyallison1475]

I forgave my girlfriend and got back together with her. Worst decision i ever made. The next 3 years were hell.

[@f.m.8742]

@@AL-sg2jd I’ll answer for that person…it’s because they get worse! They almost resent you for “forgiving” them…and they continue to lie, cheat, live double/triple lives, have secret doors, secret windows…they’re so pathetic it reeks 😒

[@jpoeste]

Just a little fraction of that hell: trust was lost so every time the phone rang, every time the repentant cheater is late or goes out alone there will always be old wounds and thoughts opening up... The damage is done forever!!!

[@izzar1156]

​@@jpoeste I totally agree. I was cheated on and punched him few times, packed my bags and left. No I would not forgive cheating

[@GrandeMOficial]

I believe that cheating is the worst thing that can happen, not just because of the backstabbing and betrayal, but someone sidelining you and replacing you with someone else, even when you've been loyal, is such a cruel thing that I believe it's the only thing you can't move past in a relationship. Is there a worse feeling than being deceived by someone you love? "When faith wanes, the very essence of life dims. When belief in the beloved falters, faith itself is forfeited."

[@ropaco6392]

My ex would download dating apps and said it was only to have someone to talk to, also I found conversations with a co worker where they were flirting and they were talking as a couple. He never admitted it was cheating because they never slept together but I ended things right away , my mom has a history of forgiving cheating so I won’t go down the same path

[@meckonen]

Finally, somebody says it loud and clear

[@lilith3885]

You said it all!!! For years I tried to process various betrayals done by my husband in a 20 year marriage but I never succeeded, something inside me kept screaming out loud, screaming for justice!! In fact, I have never digested it and the longer I was in the relationship the more I felt that something was dying inside myself, people accused me saying that I am not reasonable, they made me doubt my sanity and how intransigent I was in not wanting to forgive a betrayal because precisely as you say, society tells us that it is normal and sometimes makes the very fact of cheating seem like a cool thing to do. Now I know that in my family and friends I am the only person who has always been normal and I declare and confirm that betrayal is in fact an unforgivable thing!! THANK U I feel relieved

[@pelqel9893]

I love his bluntness. I stayed with my ex (likely a covert narcissist) after he cheated on me. It was a devastating blow to my psychological stability when I found out, but my fear of being alone was stronger... especially as he begged me not to leave him, so my internal narrative believed that he was sorry... but he just learned that I was willing to take the abuse and stay clinging onto his scraps until he eventually found a suitable replacement... those were very dark days where I felt like I was residing in a pit, clinging to the sick hope that he would do some "comparing" and realize his love for me. I was discarded. So many years wasted in misery... In retrospect, I know exactly the point where I should have left... ah, well... but now I know... much much wiser for the wear.

[@lornafromlondon]

I also went back. Yet I knew there was not a faster way to make myself feel unhappy. My ex partner's behaviour was appalling and I feel stupid for believing him and giving things a second chance. I wish that Prof. Vaknin’s lecture here had been available at the time. I think his precise and clear advice would have saved me a whole heap of pain.

[@pelqel9893]

@@lornafromlondon Maybe this happened to you too during that time?: I had ONE friend back then who was willing to courageously tell me that I was a fool for staying... my other friends remained aloof and silent through it... not wanting to share their opinions or in any way get involved with the couple-drama. I don't blame them... I was actually annoyed with that one friend for suggesting I give up... I just wasn't mentally ready/strong enough to leave yet - I had to be completely humiliated and in deep pain first, I guess.

[@xyaeiounn]

Treachery is always the end of something. Broken trust cannot be fixed or allowed.

[@SignalAboveTheNoise]

I love how you drop bombs on mainstream coaches and educators! 💛 This is so needed in this fish market of human souls...

[@artmcfarter2678]

Never use the excuse of 'staying for the sake of the children'. My mother always said she stayed with my cheating father because she had 3 kids to feed. This resulted in her being an angry and bitter woman who blamed us kids for her own inability to walk away. She made the lives of us kids hell while making herself out to be a martyr.

[@judylorbek1730]

Either way , in or out of this situation is hard, i divorced when my kids were babies, not enough money, support, loneliness also took its toll and then I went through menopause always snapping at my children , unfortunately the exes sinful behaviour firstly affects the wife, and it has a domino effect towards the kids. Blame the unfaithful one for causing unfaithfulness, the govts have made divorce easy, gone are the days to prove unfaithfulness

[@allanoor7107]

I am sorry you had to go through that. And look at how far you've made it on thirst for more knowledge. ❤ You are now Wise. Everyone around me tried to convince me to stay for the sake of our children, I'd reply "In fact, I am actually leaving for the sake of my children." I couldn't understand why they thought it was OK for us to get abused when they'd never allow it on themselves? Here we go, now dealing with the ignorant, who think its ok for you to sacrifice your soul/life and use you as the scapegoat to keep the peace.

[@ayda4908]

​@@allanoor7107 Totally agree with you.

[@justsomedude7287]

This is a hard one to swallow, but need to be heard. I discovered my wife affair in June, no remorse still continue to have the relationship, I tried to have it planned out for a seamless ending for the 4 kids. There’s deceiving and lying, it was nothing she can end the relationship with the AP easily. Then I overheard their conversation she was in deeper than she portrayed. Told her she had to leave, moved out in July and a week later told me she was done doing stupid shit and ask to come back home. I wanted to work it out for the kids but 3 months later we’re back at separation. Bunch of gaslighting, manipulation, deceiving, lying, backstabbing, bad mouthing - all the bullshit he mentioned. Helped her through her suicidal phase from the break up with the AP, while I’m going through the pain she caused, it’s wild how I’m still stable. When I told her about what I’m going through she called me a hypocrite and ignored my feeling zero empathy. That’s pretty much when I knew it’s over. She been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with major depression then borderline personality disorder and now I believe she’s a narcissist. Reading everyone comment here I suppose giving it a 3 month trial wasn’t too bad compared to people who suffered longer, I sympathize for you. The 3 months gave me the closure and eye opening I needed. I’ll never get an apology, realized I don’t need that. I just need to finalize the divorce and move on. Karma already gotten her, she hear voices and is on medication for anti psychotics. I emphasize for her and tried my best but she wouldn’t put in the work to heal. She thought the medicine was the magic pill for healing her and our marriage. She refused to seek a therapist when I bring it up, I’m crazy and I need a therapist not her. At the end of the day you’ll know when you are ready to move on. There’s no right or wrong in how you want to deal with an affair/cheater. I understand logically I need to move on, emotionally I’m stuck. Almost 12 years of relationship with 4 kids. It’s tough. The worse betrayal is from the one you loved the most; the one person who should not betray you. Thanks for reading.

[@brinselyseven5530]

You are definitely at the right place to learn about BPD too, Prof Vaknin is my go to on that disorder. I hope you and your kids are doing well.

[@liadovolys8611]

As if I am reading my story but without kids, I dated such a person and hot married to him and exactly the same behavior. I also have bpd, but I was more controlling of myself. He's been asking for me back. he has had 3 affairs sleeping with those women many many times. Falling for any attention from other girls. Funny that he was talking about cheating like he dispised it and that was a sin and he would never forgive cuz he had been cheated before our relationship. And then here we are. And the professor is right about mentally impaired ppl, I am one and I cant bring myself to even thinking of giving him a chance. Cuz he is not asking to do it now but some time later and like it was killing him and he doesn't want to ever do that again and I was the best thing and he lost me. But I do understand that I am being dumb. So now I am learning how not to let myself fall for it.

[@ivanvarykino8202]

We have been on a long downward anti-intellectual slope. It's nice to listen to someone who is not dumbing down his message. Thanks!

[@alariaesculenta8177]

Do you also realize the amount of trauma such cheaters cause you ??!!! It's immensely difficult to recover and takes lots of work & determination to get back to a normal life. It's incommensurably painful. Thanks for speaking clearly on the subject, no wishy washy bs here. Very much appreciated.

[@gins8781]

Well said. Been there. Made that mistake. Got therapy. That was 15 years ago and I have been abstinent ever since. I trust my impressions of people now. I don’t feel compelled to compromise. I have enjoyed many satisfying endeavors using the time and energy that being single has freed up.

[@Cekatu]

Agreed! 💯✔️ I wish we could all form a club and do things together, like travelling, business ventures, talking etc..... and live our best lives for the rest of our lives.

[@susancruz729]

"Forget the mitigating circumstances. There are none."

[@christophercardono6274]

Cheating is the most hurting thing to do to your relationship. It breaks the commitment of trust, and it will never be the same. Better off moving on than staying together.

[@annetgreen2295]

Again BRILLIANT & EXCELLENT advice !! Thanks for calling out the difference between truth and a scam. It's true you can't embrace toxicity ! Thank you so much Sam !

[@wildrose12.47]

Very clear, simple, point perfectly made. It’s the deception, hiding, underhanded behavior and gaslighting that signifies emotional abuse and a core disrespect. When this happens in any form, you don’t have the love you thought you had. There is no real relationship to save.

[@allanoor7107]

💯 For me, it was all of the above, and "There never WAS a REAL relationship to begin with." I had to accept it was a fantasy, i created it because i allowed it, and that was the old version of me. " Can you imagine what I could create now, with the ever growing consciousness that's the best version of me yet" I had to painfully take the focus back on me because I must matter. I have a soul.

[@RaoulDukeSr]

I knew in my heart, and the depths of my soul...that when she cheated several months into our relationship...I knew to walk and never look back !! I did not listen to my gut instincts, instead I believed it was a one off. Turns out she was a sex addicted covert narcissist, she tried to lie, project, blame, deflect her guilt on me. It was a trauma bond for sure, and I allowed my weakness to keep me there. I will forever regret believing in someone whom was incapable of being truthful with herself and thus me...absolutely had no idea about covert narcissism and all the evil, deceitful, sneaky ways at the time.

[@doreenarcher8543]

Thank you for this video. I’ll be 66 this month, never married. I wanted to be married, always wanted a family. Even from childhood I’ve seen and heard of so much cheating to the extent it almost seems normal. Obviously I never thought it was or I would have settled. At this point in my life I’m very sad. Radical acceptance certainly is freedom but it can be challenging to get there. Cheaters are scattered among every walk of life. As a single woman alone for so long the stories I can tell are unbelievable. At one point I thought being involved with church would be safe. No. Messed up people are everywhere. It’s just so sad.

[@oldworldwildona550]

Solitary life is freedom. You are smart. Do not be sad. Be proud of yourself. People are demonic these days.

[@michele5695]

@doreenarcher8543 you didn't miss anything. Marriage is extremely difficult. It ruined my life. If I could do life over, I would have just adopted a child. I would have went no contact with my mom 1st.

[@doreenarcher8543]

@@michele5695 So very sorry. I see this tradition of marriage to be so broken. I see so many good people stuck in a miserable situation for various reasons they can’t just walk away from. It’s heartbreaking. My mom was very sick while us kids were growing up. My dad was 49 when she passed; he would have never left her. But as a kid I really questioned marriage. I have a major depressive disorder, because of what I saw as a child I knew marriage wouldn’t be a good idea for me. I saw so much cheating. Thank you sharing. My heart and blessings go out to you❤️🌹

[@dauglove7835]

Absolutely. It bothers me to no end when anyone says differently. Infidelity is one of the worst abuses. The ultimate devaluation-

[@elzbietamiszczak2680]

Pr. Sam Vaknin thank you for this video, I just feel very stupid for not seeing cheating for what is it. For me, you are an authority, your knowledge change my mind set , I'm grateful for you sharing your knowledge.

[@Pachecure]

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY. Those who would justify "deceit" of any kind also lie to themselves (to help justify their own abnormalities). Thank you, Professor!

[@petralee574]

Great post and validation for those who did leave and stayed away after being cheated on, lied to, stolen from … etc. It was absolutely THE hardest thing ever but so, so necessary for ones own growth and wellbeing…. For those who are in it - stay strong. The reward of freedom and self respect is priceless

[@judyparker2617]

Thank you so much. I needed to see confirmation of my own beliefs. I'm guilty of staying with a cheater because he convinced me that it was all my fault 😢 He cheated he said because I questioned him anytime my gut said "he's cheating" because I questioned him about what was clearly and directly proof of his infidelities he would deny deny deny and scream and yell at me and would almost hit me at times until I was on my knees begging for his forgiveness and believing "It was my fault" I no longer have a relationship with this Man.

[@paliskit]

I love this video! I was just dating a narcissist with a harem of unattractive women that adored him. There was lots of deception although he claimed it was platonic. He was spending huge amounts of time with these women alone and when I asked if we could just talk about it before it was planned, he recoiled, pretending to agree, and then just booked more time alone with these desperate, adoring women.

[@yellowquantum4240]

I downloaded this one! I got betrayed, cheated by the love of of my life a lady. 15 yrs together. I walked away, erased all her photos and process her dead . The hardest move in my life, totally worth it!!!

[@ТатьянаСкударнова-р3э]

Добрый день, Сэм! Очень люблю ваш канал и ваши лекции. Я живу в Беларуси. Однажды вы мне очень помогли пережить тот ужас, который внёс в мою жизнь некогда любимый человек. Очень благодарна вам за то, что вы помогли мне понять, что не надо умирать после отношений с нарциссом, а нужно радоваться освобождению от зависимости к этому параноику. Жаль, что нет онлайн перевода ваших прямых эфиров . Думаю, очень многие ваши поклонники были бы рады общению с вами в прямом эфире. Благодарю вас за ваш труд.

[@davidyeager4617]

Thank you Sam. There is so much BS around this subject, especially regarding religion and forgiveness. Thanks for speaking the truth on this and dispelling the lies we've been told all our lives.

[@pixie3458]

Totally agree ...and the cheater needs to understand that future partners will not ever trust them either

[@brinselyseven5530]

Pshh, not like they'll ever disclose the truth to future partners. They will just call the ex, crazy, controlling, lacked affection, etc.

[@tatianacamacho2189]

Usted está en lo correcto. Si aceptamos infidelidad, mentiras, manipulación, nos perdemos a nosotros mismos. Algo muere en nosotros. Bravo señor Vaknin, le envío un fuerte abrazo a usted desde Bolivia. Gracias!

[@freeyourselfoftoxicity]

There is no good thing about infidelity, Mentally and physically unhealthy period. Well said Doc..

[@madyleneplaner4724]

Someone should tell this to Esther Perell who claims an affair can revitalise a marriage

[@erinmorrow5001]

Totally agree. There is a reason she is called "the cheater apologist".

[@gracethroughfaithbloodofje4753]

What an idiot

[@luckystone2293]

She's sick

[@pa2359]

Only if the cheater realizes and take responsibility and it is very rare. Because real people will not do it .

[@QuestforQuestions]

Well I’ve seen it happen. Not in my marriage, mind you, but a friend’s. I try to be open to different possibilities, that’s all.

[@runwiththewind3281]

Professor Vaknin, thank you.

[@mayracramer1]

Thank you for this. I love when you cut through the crap- so many excuses the narc wants to spew

[@Drilg88]

Thank you for being the sane intellectual voice on this topic as our culture navigates the chaos that is post modernism/ gynocentrism. Madness.

[@voulafisentzidis8830]

Thank you for speaking the truth. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It's foolish to stay with a cheater because you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache.

[@Pasperdu]

Thank you for reaching the importance of self-respect. Your logic is helpful in a sea of distracting emotions.

[@piyabiswas9475]

With high respect Prof. Sam Vaknin, thank you so much to share the truth. The cheater never understands how the innocent trust and love get crashed. Thank you once again for yiur beaitiful messsage.🙏🙏

[@lili79136]

You break it down perfectly. Thank you, Professor.

[@LavaWaffle1]

Needed to hear this. I kept accepting - and even helped to justify - deceptive cheating. I even told him to just take some time and get it our of his system. I'm taking your advice Prof. Thank you.

[@pelqel9893]

Please do take the advice... back when I was dealing with this (an ambivalent partner who wanted me to be faithful and hanging on while he flip-flopped), I relied on a book called, 'Let's Face It, Men Are Assholes'... pretty good book overall that takes a behavioral approach. It suggested different options, one of them being giving the ambivalent partner a "wait and see" period... I gave my partner (without telling him) 6 months to do what he pleased, and I would assess the situation at the end of that period. Bear in mind that we bought and lived in a house in a nearby town from our original city, so there was already financial entanglement and 6 years of time together... I had to be sure. After that 6 months, he still didn't know what he wanted... so I stayed another 6 months "on hold" for a year total. By then, he wanted me to move out so his new love could move in and buy into half of the house. I felt like a battery being changed out - after 7 years of my life wasted with the creep! Never again. And you deserve better too.

[@psych-ryry]

What you are saying is true. I agree. As a Borderline who has been cheated on and discarded by a Narcissist, I hope I can use this to help me model what moving on needs to be.

[@pjmrees]

I did it and it was hard. I lost everything. Husband, family, home, business, retirement ability. I did it when I didn't want to but i knew i had to. It turned my life upside down and I feel lost. Slowly crawling back to life.

[@pjmrees]

@@jacksonfour2965 will you elaborate on what you mean by be careful?

[@madyleneplaner4724]

👏👏👏👏 Thank you Prof Vaknin, for validating a spouse's decision to leave a cheating partner. So many therapists try to convince the betrayed spouse to forgive and work on the marriage and hardly anyone sees it as a dysfunction it truly is.

[@haddadiwanassa]

Once you have capacity to look outside of us the two, it's done for me. You are either fully in or fully out ... Looking at someone else implies you see that I am not enough for you and that's the truth behind it you are looking for something else so I will make it easier for you and let you go do that... Loyalty can never be rebuilt once broken for me.

[@ebethlouise2201]

I knew about the other woman from the get go, but it still brought me to my knees. Thank goodness I was healthy enough to break up, but went back when he got cancer. No sex, but filled the wife role. Yes I have serious mental health issues, and have been in therapy for decades. Made progress after he died and I started to focus on recovery from narcissistic abuse. Still crazy but so much happier now!

[@arthurlockwood8735]

Good luck to you. Bin there 41 years on and still have the same thing in my mind is not good enough. 🙏❤️

[@MadMax-cg6gh]

I have a phobia related to STDs. My ex tried to cheat with every girl he could, he could've gave me any STD if he succeeded. I really loved to please him, but after I found out, I couldn't put my lips on him aymore. Since then I don't trust anyone to remain faithful to me. S*x and relationships are over for me, since years now, and I'm not even 30yo. Cheating is dangerous, and must not be tolerated. The diseases you get, your children can get it too.

[@dauglove7835]

That’s right. Say it loud and clear! It’s a filthy rotten weak thing to do to another person and it shows total lack of morality and self control which no doubt is necessary for any semblance of health in any aspect of a relationship. Respect yourself and go no contact with people who literally are ok with destroying your world.

[@darkfawn5339]

thank you for such a teaching... being "called out" is actually merciful!: you've properly labeled poison with the skull and crossbones of oid... "she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, 'I have done no wickedness." cheating is indeed the opposite of curative.

[@brightstar4321]

Forgiveness? Yes. Trusting or reconciling with a cheater? No. I agree with Sam that breaking up with a cheater is the only sane thing to do.

[@jsalce436]

I needed to hear this, sealed the finality of my leaving my cheating husband

[@denisemarum7556]

I agree with you lock, stock and barrel!! 👏👏

[@iopakayalo3459]

Thank you so very much indeed Doctor Vaknin for sharing truths. I now know that I am not crazy. BS is absolutely CORRECT!

[@istotatora84]

Also the biological and human health hazards- HIV, herpes, HPV, HCV etc. Not to mention the other trauma- emotional, psychological. No excuses, b/+ch, please....

[@cristiant9437]

I can't argue with that. 100% correct!

[@usace1109]

You are absolutely correct! Loyal ONLY.

[@drstefaniebennett]

This is such a helpful message Dr. Vaknin. So grateful 🙏

[@sarahg4516]

I’d be interested to know about how mentally healthy (or not) the two cheaters are? So for example man cheats on wife with affair partner, leaves wife for affair partner and they in turn get married - how healthy are two people who’s relationship is built on lies and deceit from the very start?

[@kareendeveraux1847]

I guess this woman wants to get stds. She's codependent and probably trauma bonded. And there's always gonna be a side chick because he disrespects her for her forgiveness due to his own narcissism. That's why you should never forgive a narc. They disrespect you for it. Unless they really change their attitude and that's not likely to be the case because those people aren't the smartest tools in the shed. I'd stay away from that couple to avoid collateral damage, because this is the next nasty side effect.

[@Ingrid85_]

Yes, that's what i want to know as well

[@mcgaugh57]

if you met her in the bar, leave her in the bar

[@joeferreira657]

Haaa, spot on brother, took me a long time to get out. The misery they couse,lies to everyone even to your own family, that lingers for years, is inexcusable. Fekell manipulation, stayed for years for my beautiful children, both doing well in life. Best education cost me, but I die happy for there archivement . Cheers Doc, found this late, better late than never.

[@bangkokstevie]

Never!! It's emotional abuse as far as I'm concerned. 22 years no contact (and counting).

[@nz630]

Thank you Dr. Vaknin for saying it loud and clear. I needed to hear it. I know that something was really wrong with me, but is good to hear it from an expert, I was one of those that forgave one too many times. It kept escalating because I allowed the first time, they feel that they have permission to keep doing it. Once a cheater is always a cheater is TRUE. It's amazing how many people tell to forgive and stay. For your own benefit you can eventually forgive but from a distance, it is better to leave.

[@istvanrabrady9160]

makes me feel much better about breaking up a 22 year relationship over infidelity. thanks! i guess i am not the pos she is trying to make me out to be, for "throwing away everything over one small mistake" ( which was actually a two year affair with a married coworker, whose wife was pregnant with their second child during the affair). maybe if her dude left his family for her, she wouldn't be so angry, but he didn't. now she's all lost, lonely and viscous, spending most of her free time hating on me publicly.

[@tia6468]

I agree with this but,, sometimes it's not that we are ill but we are dependent or we have been through divorce with our parents and have seen and experienced the pain and trauma and we choose to just look the other way to spare our kids the pain and embarrassment of growing up in a broken home, but i must admit that its better to leave such a marriage because betrayal changes everything and the way you view yourself and your partner things will be forever changed for the worst because you will become mentally ill loving like a defective detective once trust has been broken it can never be restored you overlook every truth told but will forever remember the one time you got lied to and will always use this as a reason to be careful nothing can reverse the effects or trauma of being lied to or betrayed by someone you love

[@wintergoddess8210]

Thank you Professor for bringing the truth to the public 😊you have an amazing mind a beautiful one that so little can understand many blessings to you ❤

[@rubygp5100]

Your words confirmed what I was feeling in my soul. ❤️

[@couldntholdacandle6681]

😂 I went through that ringer and I was told it could get better and that I could retrieve that marriage. It didn't and I couldn't move past the whole thing. After seven years of trying 😂 I kissed it goodbye after sitting with a real therapist. Sam is right.

[@radzhurl8711]

Thank you professor Vaknin to help all those understanding the deep meaning of betrayal, cheat and lies. I feel me I am healed 99.9%. You are my Leading Guru.

[@PJHEATERMAN]

I decided to try and save my marriage. Infidelity occurred in 1998 and in 2023 i'm still fucked up from it. I guess i was wrong and should of rebuilt my life at the time of the betrayal.

[@G4MESE7EN]

The master has spoken.

[@nicoletacherechesu1576]

Amazing , clearly, healing souls and minds with your deep science!!!!! Congratulations!!!!

[@nusphere]

There is the issue of dependent children in most marriages.

[@nhopkins1979]

Joint custody

[@Pheonix1111]

Healthy people leave a cheating spouse/committed partner due to their own healthy boundaries and self-worth. Cheaters are lying whenever they say they made an unexpected mistake when they cheated. Everyone has time to consider what they are about to do BEFORE they make their final decision to cheat. Healthy people address and resolve their issues with their spouse and never cheat. It is always best to divorce/break up with a cheater immediately after the first time cheating occurs. Cheaters only love themselves and selfishly place their own gratification above their partner, but they do NOT love their spouse/committed partner.

[@elenastoqnova1768]

The truth has been spoken ❤

[@cesarportillo2330]

Amen, finally someone that is right about cheating ...

[@shaolinman]

Once a cheater is always a cheater. It’s sick and perverted.

[@nakwambwandalameta8083]

I Harvey got the message loud&clear!

[@jg5930]

Deal breaker for me! Agree 💯

[@cholldi]

Thank you! I needed to hear this!

[@zebpettyninja]

All marriages are mentally ill, if they are searching for love in them. People get into marriages to try and fullfill the lack they felt in childhood. Dependent on the partner to feel safe, secure, and comfortable whether narc or CD.

[@alias701]

You are right. But some cases, polyamorous relationships are only forced by one member of the relationship and the other one is just accepting it out of fear of losing the partner

[@samvaknin]

That is institutionalized coercive cheating.

[@Acceptancetoday]

Sign of mental illness in both parties like the good professor says

[@venomking3602]

You dont know what the hell your talking about

[@michele5695]

polyamorous is an excuse to be a player and deprive which ever partner they want. It is a form of control. Someone gets hurt most of the time.

[@juanlucasangelvicente9604]

100 % correct. Thank you for the advice.

[@broGabiza]

Wow, this man preaches the truth right there👌

[@whitewolf6730]

You are right on. The money, Prof.

[@tuanf01]

They say that humans aren't supposed to be monogamous, then why do we have jealousy and heartache?

[@samvaknin]

Fear of loss.