Why Narcissist Hoovers, Replaces YOU: The Dynamics of Hoovering

[@8888-w1l]

Once they realise you've figured them out, you're toast. Fortunately, being discarded by one of these soulless shapeshifters is liberating. Learn from the experience, move on and never fall for this type of person, ever again.

[@anumer897]

This is great news for people who have been with narcissists whose narcissists have now replaced them. Or rather, are grooming somebody else. You don't have to ever have to think even for ONE SECOND that he has found his 'happily ever after', or 'she is better than me' etc. and further kill your self-esteem and confidence. You now KNOW FOR SURE, that she will end up in your boat sooner or later. She is NOTHING and NO ONE to him, who is grooming her, so she should most definitely not be anything or anyone to YOU, who has no connection with her whatsoever! Another thing that helps which helped me was to start seeing him as a 'patient' and not a normally functioning human being. Just like the staff in any psych ward never takes anything to heart no matter what the patients there are spewing at them, so should you consciously start seeing him as a patient. Not a perp, a**hole, abuser, etc. Those are all the traits attributable to a specific type of mental patient, which is him. This starts to create distance between you and him in your mind. It might also help to visualize him BEING a terminal illness which you do not want in your life. Abuse creates a lot of stress, which does gives rise to illnesses so it's a fair assessment in my opinion, and has helped me!

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Thank you. That was a helpful analysis.

[@MC-pn5ed]

I testify to this...the amount of peace that is flooding into my life now...as I am actually a worker in the dementia wing where I work, I am now mentally prepared to save my own heart... Not only someone specific but with everyone around me and myself included because I'm more compassionate towards this person. We're all hurt and hurting, but when u know, you can choose ...and consciously choosing hurting to manipulate outcomes and people does not make it into my cycle of " crazies" lol.😊✌️

[@kyliesmith9782]

Yep, spot on.

[@tiffanyjohnson1890]

Are a mental patient they kept doing the same things to get the same result insanity

[@himadriparashar5336]

Completely agree!

[@debbiesday8270]

Ugh!!!! Narcissists are exhausting! Just get away however you can.

[@Mandycapetown]

I was discarded a year ago, I still struggle with the pain. I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. I just do not understand how my ex could be loving me and the next day just discard me because I wanted to finally get married. It’s insane. He immediately moved in with an ex from 23 years ago. Really want to get over the hurt. I actually ended up in hospital after the discard for two weeks as I had a breakdown. Your videos help me so much but damn this hurt is bad. Sending love from South Africa 🇿🇦

[@Foxy21919]

Sending you love from SA

[@Mandycapetown]

@@Foxy21919 you also in SA 🇿🇦?

[@CompleteBeautyTreat]

I’m so sorry that you went through this! I know how bad that pain is! These videos helped me avoid a mental breakdown! thank God I found them in time thanks to a friend. What I found that helped me is to work on my insecurities. I realized that what made me attach so much to the narc was the fact that he accepted me despite my insecurities … and then I realized that was his weapon against me. That’s why I felt loved. Him telling me that he loves me even though he also called me fat and so on. So I’m working on myself getting In shape and getting rid of my own insecurities and truly working towards building my self esteem back up bc that’s the only hold he had on me. Narcs only care about how you look to the world and how you make them look but in reality they just care about supply they don’t even bother about what gender you are! They use your own insecurities against you to make you think nobody will ever love you like him. It’s all part of the devaluation. Once you understand that it’s not you and that everything was part of devaluation you can move on easier

[@lisapowrie7863]

♥️♥️♥️

[@PiscesinVa]

Sending you love and light! I was married to mine for 25 years, always knew something was off as he couldn't connect...he discarded me when our first grandchild was born, named after him and ghosted us all. Then moved in almost immediately with an old gf from 30 years previous! 😳 These people are soulless and lost. I'm two years divorced and three years gone and finally getting my life back on track. Sam has been instrumental in my healing to understand completely why, what and how. Now it's up to me to understand my piece. It was a blessing and a lesson certainly but extremely painful. You got this!!! Love from US

[@mollylarkins7075]

This is sickening. I’m Almost physically ill.

[@alkintugsal7563]

Same here I got headache and stomach problems…🥶

[@CompleteBeautyTreat]

What would we do without Sam V? Bringing all this to light and saving people from mental abuse and torture.

[@Unbreakablechic]

Its so validating

[@Giovi111]

This is disturbingly correct. The narc that nearly drove me to madness is an atheist who definitely created his own religion as Sam describes. I fused with him. It was the most powerful connection I’ve ever felt, quite “mystical”. And oh so devastating when it was severed and I was tossed away, only to be returned to over and over again. Which I gladly accepted even though the abuse got worse each time because I wanted it to go back to when I was an idol. An idol of a false god. I wanted my Dad’s love so I played it out with him and he wanted to be separated from Mommy. I’ve kept this chapter closed in my mind for a few years and I’m finally ready to reopen it and heal my issues as to why I chose this man to abuse me and why I allowed the near total breakdown of my sanity. I literally packed up where I lived and left far away to get away. That’s the only thing that saved me.

[@kyliesmith9782]

Much love and healing to you x

[@tickety-bootoyou1850]

This explains why I haven't been able to get him out of my head.. I was being absorbed & enmeshed, fusing with him. Then, unexpectedly came the devaluation & abandonment. And the confusion of the hoover. It's hurtful. But I understand better now. I recall him studying me, as though he was taking snapshots with his mind's eye, or camera, if you will. I suppose he'll always be a part of me on some level. Perhaps that's why I don't wish him ill. It's like a life sentence though lol.

[@sarajabal7917]

Perfectly said 👌🏻

[@princhipessa1969]

I’d catch the staring quite often. Exactly what you said.

[@michellejones8320]

@@sarajabal7917 k

[@Giovi111]

Yes mine would stare at me like I was the only woman in the world. It gave me goosebumps. Then later he would ignore me like I didn’t exist.

[@danieldora2208]

So correct!The whole video and all the comments. I still feel like I wanna go back... :( The break up is so fresh :(

[@memorynelson7441]

In other words u are the mother he wishes he had when growing up and by having you he believes he is special this is when your life begins to get destroyed

[@Jezzicar]

It's so bizarre isn't it ? They get what they want and destroy everything , I was nothing but kind to him , when I finally ended it , he turned round and said I treated him like a kid , but that's what he wanted 🤔everything is a contradiction isn't it ? 💚

[@sub_radio]

Incredibly sad for those sad never-grown-ups, hope more of them will get treatment and support. Thank you professor for this empathy-filled, rational driven storytelling.

[@aliciav63]

poor guy hes living with my memory in his head as how he imagined i should have been when he set out to destroy my light love happiness as he has done with many of his exes ... all inside his head .... truly fascinating insightful but so horrible to know they are empty inside void of empathy love kindness ....

[@emmymember1925]

This is right on point. My ex was abused by his mom and continued to be controlled by her. She tried to destroy our marriage to get him back and she succeeded. I just met up with another guy after communicating on the phone for a couple of months. His words were great but having wisdom...I don't believe words anymore. I finally met up with him this week and he showed up completely drunk. He's homeless and jobless and talks to his mom 3 times a day...and he thinks in his mind he's got a lot to offer! Delusional.

[@vcowherd39]

Sounds like my ex

[@Feliciations]

Ohhhh I just made a connection between my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend:( They are both still heavily connected to their mothers.

[@rind8824]

Today, his phone is full of mother figures. So many snapshots of people in his phone. I guess it helps him to remember all of the "mother figures". I hate that my snapshots are not only in his mind but in his phone.

[@maybenot3789]

This reality makes me so sad. To know that this person I once love can never be helped. In a sorry state of looking for “mummy” in each and every one of his partner 😢

[@asterism.x]

This so interesting, the idea of the snapshot / introject object! It is still difficult for me to understand though, how the narcissist can devalue and discard the real person, usually because of some perceived offense by the real person, and yet still maintain the perfect “snapshot” version of them. Why is it that they cannot update their “snapshot” even when they devalue the real person? Actually I think you have explained this, the snapshot is static & it would cause greater injury for them to separate from the “snapshot” than the real person. 💡 this snapshot concept makes hoovering make a lot more sense too. Thank you Dr Vaknin!

[@mimi42428]

Think of it this way, Narcissists rarely if ever confront the original source of their Narcissism. They hate their mother but cannot allow themselves to feel this hatred for her so they get an intimate partner to use as a substitute to punish for what their mother / father did to them. They do exactly the same things that they do with their mother with you. They take a snapshot of you and then idealise it. Just like they do with their mother in order to survive as a child. Their Narcissism makes it so that they will always do this push and pull cycle with other chosen mother figures. And they will never individuate. This cycle continues until they die. I witnessed this with my ex. He told me how horrible his mother/ father were when he was idealising and lovebombing me. He was able to see them for who they were to a certain extent when he was idealising me. And his parents are terrible people. His family are a narc cult. When he began to devalue me because I started setting boundaries and saying no, he started to re ideolise his parents again and all of a sudden they were the model family. I hope this helps

[@waa8273]

It blew my mind! Thank you for saving us and helping us understand the mind of abusers.

[@enricio]

Thank you. It's really shocking. You explain clearly but still, it's painful to deal with it. 🥀

[@bevfaria3300]

GOOD EVENING DEVILISHLY HANDSOME PROF SAM .. THANKS FOR THIS INVALUABLE ACADEMIC KNOWLEDGE OF NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR .. I HAVE RECEIVED MUCH STRENGTH AND UNDERSTANDING FROM THE DISCUSSIONS .. ONCE AGAIN TOP DRAWER .. ALWAYS .. B .. X 🖤

[@statiselite8002]

professor, I went to court today and after my mini vacation, I saw him and his daughter from afar. I represented myself in court, while he had a lawyer. I answered the judge’s questions and I could here him muttering to his attorney, it’s a lie… nevertheless I saved the bed for last and I think everyone was stunned by my specifics. I lost the case although I felt a lift from my burdensome shoulders . It was like therapy! Like I said, I saw him from afar after a week, and he looked senile and like he was bumbling around. It was a strange thing. The change is my new perception. It’s sad. As you said. Not sad enough to sucker me into any dialogue. Thank you for your teaching.,I’m growing and evolving, I don’t know what his situation is, I’d say dier. Needing full time care. Thank you. I have done so much and I feel happy and free. Cheers

[@wave8867]

Wow, 8:20 explains why the narcissistic work colleague would always say 'Hi' to me and hold deep eye contact.. but would also avoid and not make any conversation. Also explains why he ghosted/ignored my text for no reason or explanation. Then months later, asked a friend to say 'Hi' to me. Behind his girlfriends back, I was a snapshot, a fantasy object.

[@27mmo]

Thank you for this bit of humor and lightness you bring at the begining! Its so nice to start like this! Often I feel shit when I reach out for support / watching some videos to learn more, reinfirce my path, etc. This bit of humor is so valuable to me, land an uplifter.

[@Jezzicar]

Mr Sam Vaknin you are saving me and helping my sanity , thankyou 😊

[@rebeccalucas6063]

That explains why my late husband expected me to wear my hair short exactly like his mother, even though I looked nothing like her when he met me.

[@Mystifrost]

I need to learn more about mortification. I believe I caused my ex to do this...by exposing him to the world. Public shaming.

[@post-separationabuse2020]

I think that was the reason why the former partner went ahead with his threats. He wanted to leave me emotionally psychologically and financially devastated. I started writing my book in April 2021 while under the threat of eviction from the home we were meant to share.. Just published a few weeks ago.

[@asgharakram]

I can reverse psychology work to discard the narcissist after he comes back and Hoovers . Like telling he is right we aren’t compatible when I don’t want him back

[@anumer897]

Prof. Vaknin, will you kindly make a video on the aging narcissist who is also on a cognitive decline? How does their behaviour differ from your 'run of the mill' narcissist?

[@OTIStheREALcarlos]

You are incredible. I enjoy the deepness of the explanations. I totally get everything in this video. And off course I feel the same about your other videos in which I really learn so much. Your videos are more intelligent, have more content, deepness, and instruction on average, than all others I've seen. And I've seen almost 200.

[@desireecook5291]

This explains my mother...her relationship with me (I cut contact a cpl of yrs ago), and with her boyfriend relationships repeated. Excellent video. Thank you.

[@Lulu-bt6cj]

during pandemic I was forced to travel to see family thinking would not see them again, the man returned to his old bedroom with aging narc mother and suddenly he turned on me devaluing all our years together and discarded me like I didn't exist on new years day. everything we had together he destroyed overnight and has been driving around with our property in his van. hiding what he's done it appears. He returned to elderly mother and attacked me felt like I was dead. recovering gradually now. I had no idea he has this streak but had experienced pure evil from his mother at the outset when she whispered to me she would like to split us. I remember something she said once maybe she found her father dead and she called her husband daddy and kept him on batteries till they literally expired even though there was no one there. I can identify with so much of your lectures thankyou.

[@MF_888]

Your videos are absolutely fascinating! Bravo. 🥂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@sidneyssempala982]

Is the "perfect internal image" of us, the reason why no contact makes the narc obsess over you? If they also ruminate, and start to remember our "perfect" traits

[@waa8273]

Thank you for helping me understand what had been happened to my life.

[@CaptianKeyz]

You pinned me down 😳 I always wondered why I seem to collect my beloved. Supply lines everywhere!! I love merging & fusing. I also love to individuate. Aghh… why can’t I stop, even though I know the setup!? It hurts me when I hurt others. It’s not a good payout, at all!

[@JasonGoldstein78]

As an empathetic person, I can only imagine. Mortification must be heartbreaking.

[@958342]

@@kelebeksky they are confused themselves. Imagine a box full of wires all tangled up. That's their internal self. This is them inside. They don't even know what the hell they want themselves. They are full of contradictions. They will contradict themselves in the same sentence. Don't bother wasting any time with him. You can do better. You only get one life. Don't let this indecisive sucker suck it up

[@lmsturt]

But what does living with introjects actually feel like to the narcissist? How does he experience this state? How do they manifest? Does he think obsessively of them, even after discard? Or do they reside in the unconscious?

[@melbaT2770]

Your videos are spot on. I appreciate your humor as well. Thank you for sharing all of these insightful and truthful videos. My life with the narcissists in my life is making sense the more videos I watch . Having the language to describe and understand everything I have been through and going through is helping me move forward with more strength and knowledge.

[@karenellisbrown8169]

Absolutely brilliant.

[@bobharmen4812]

Am I understanding (by extrapolation) correctly that a big issue for narcissists is that they can create snapshots but not separate-individuate from them, and so they (apparently) bond to the snapshot but separate-individuate from the real individual, while the opposite of that is the natural, mature and healthy approach?

[@caitlinalcock6964]

Yes wow so well said how it feels as the partner. I felt like a shell aka failing to be the human version of his idea of me which was not me!

[@LuisRodriguez-nm7wc]

Great video, I get to understand a little bit about this disorder thanks to your videos, the best ones to me

[@annabystrzanowska-boruch231]

Sir Vaknin Your knowledge and way of talking about it are phenomenal

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

I always said that I didn't feel like my ex "liked" me as a person. He even said several times, "why dont you do xyz behavior wise". I couldn't understand what he meant...until now. He has OCD which makes so much sense now.

[@majatooks4010]

I really love u, u helped me so much, so smart, everything makes sense now, thank god for your videos

[@violawolf1962]

Thank you! So precise and clear. As usual❣️

[@irielion3748]

I like this! Yes, really good switch to patient - which is arguably more accurate.

[@arkadysoldatov6962]

After watching hundreds of his videos I am just smiling:)

[@JinJinDoe]

Wow, it's so mindblowing. And sounds crazy and complicated. Snake eating itself. Phew.

[@BecauseOfHim1111]

Hi Professor! I’m a new subscriber to your channel. Big fan. Really enjoyed this video. I find the subject of narcissism, mixed in with your knowledge; fascinating. Thank you for sharing the same with your viewers. Keep up the good work.

[@Mandycapetown]

Excited for this video

[@jyothidevakumar4193]

Wow... Love this... answers so many questions that rage in my head about my narc. Thank you Sam

[@danielsullivan9271]

Something to look into. How about the gay narcissist? I think in the gay male population, there might be 30 to 40 percent plus of them narcissist or they definitely have strong traits. Many especially in the gay scene seem to be so vain, into gossip and many still act like they are in high school going through drama. It does not matter if they are more masculine or not. Feminine ones have high traits I feel getting into all sorts of problems with everyone!! I have met other gay men that have went through this as I did with my last partner. His temper tantrums etc. Silent treatments acting like a child. I became parental towards him! He was younger than I was as well. He was very jealous etc. He was more vulnerable type. Could I have been a paternal to him? I think his mom was a narcissist and his dad was not emotional available to him despite living with his paternal grandmother. He was an only child. Parents divorced at 8 when he used to live in Russia. He has hardly any friends. When I first met him, I thought he was high functioning autistic and I still do but he developed narcissism!! He hates life too and does not trust people. Being intimate with him I tried and still try to save him and help him. He does see he has it!! He is trying to change although he said it is hard. I recognize I have codependent traits, people pleaser, outgoing, passionate very empathic type that likes being a hero. I sought out looking for guys in the past that look like they need someone. Friends growing up that had to be my best friend and guys later in life. I realized after the last one I was with and still in touch with him. Long distance relationship although I had vacations with him 3 times over 4 years. He liked thinking I belonged to him. He did not want me to date anyone else and to wait for him etc. I thought it was romantic. He hooked me right away online. Talking for 8 to 10 hours a day for 5 to 6 days a week and over the years less and less. He was busy and sick all the time. He made me feel sorry for him etc. Sad life etc. I do believe there are plenty of women narcissist as well I also been hearing as well. Maybe more men are but I think women can be 30 to 40 percent of the narcissist today driven by pop culture, facebook etc.

[@Libertarianmobius1]

Your absolutely right. 70% of women a I dated in my life were chronic instagram divas narcissistic and all were depressed. Social media is annihilating our society and they only care about one: advertise your life for profit.

[@albalewis9011]

Wow super complicated Sam. But thank you! Can they go back to that moment and change it. Or are they lost for life. And is this all about the mother. I had moments when I was confused and said ‘but I’m not your mother!’ Now I know I was on the money in that moment.

[@zdenekherman1973]

Glorious! Thank you, Professor Vaknin!

[@hazeleyes2381]

What happens then if the "original mummy" dies?

[@delhui2562]

Sam love your work!

[@GracindaMF]

That's an incredible waste of a person who refuses to define oneself as fully wholesome in themselves...

[@rasmuswellejus2809]

What an fantastic video Sam. She told me that she screwed a friend of mine throughout 15 years and he confirmed it then about 2,5 months later they broke up or rather she discarded him and then I was good enough again for a while then she dropped all kind of contact and found another supply that went on for about 6 months then she discarded him and all of us 3 guys have been talking together about her and all have almost exactly the same story to tell and I’ve been trying to contact her to get explanation and an apology and due to that she has filed a restraining order against me so I guess it’s sure to say that she never ever going to hoover...

[@CleoVer-k1v]

Thank you very much for this video, Sam Vaknin. I have one more question about it. What does he do when he discards and devalues the second intimate partners. I have learned that narcissists often have 2, 3 or even more intimate partners at the same time. Even at the same time paralell to the primary partner. I mean the women in the second row after the primary intimate partner, who are often married to him or have been with him for a long time. How do you explain their role in his life and in his imagination? Are they also mother figures for the narcissist?

[@jamie3841]

My narcissist discarded and replaced me but still hoovered me while with his new victim. He disappears for awhile and Hoovers again but he is still with the new victim. So confusing

[@lilithh23]

How often he hoovers ?

[@LoriSings65]

Thank you 🚀

[@michellelekias9390]

I’ve been hoovered so many times it’s destroyed me. I always gave in.. maybe 15 Hoovers over 20 years . I’m out now but afraid he’ll come back I don’t want it any more ..

[@CHNL.s]

Basically they are replaying thw initial trauma over and over until death. Its so sad if u think about it. They are the most mentally ill people ever. And they cant even tell.

[@runmercirun]

“What can they say?….i was hypnotized…?.the narcissist is a puppet master and i am his puppet?”oh god Vaknin i laughed so very loud when you said that. very fleeting burst of humor that evaporated as fast as it appeared. thanks for that.

[@themarathonbarbershoparmen3462]

Very interesting video always is a blessing to count with your help Sam

[@hughrrrr]

Does a female narcissist or NPD/BPD do a similar dance with partners in order to work out relationships with a father? I have met many women who have had abusive fathers and they have also had a lifetime of volatile relationships, often with abusive men and sometimes they even have a push pull relationship with their actual fathers. Does a female narcissist ever use men to work out a bad relationship with a mother?

[@b.blue111]

Very well explained, thank you! My question is: if I took part in this shared fantasy, and obviously was codependent for many years (and had been hoovered back several times), do I have a real chance to get out? You say that this "snapshot" stays in narcissistic mind forever. I am going to implement "no contact" but... will I ever be free? Or shall I always be ready for their "return"? Is there a bomb ticking, no matter how much I withdraw myself?

[@cherylturner3966]

@@protectthebillofrights93 oh your words describe my EVERY thought and feeling -like a poem that best describes it all in one paragraph. Especially the extreme opposite emotions that exist. All of it. Amazing - thank you.

[@angelinavitaleco9640]

Well done thank you that was very well done

[@sargonmalek5579]

Wow! Great insight on this video. Thank you

[@maximum360]

Professor Vaknin, can you do a video on the dynamics of a relationship between a covert narcissist and a family member with dependent personality disorder and how that would impact the relationship with an intimate partner? I've seen many of your videos and I don't believe seen one on this topic.

[@landoud1]

Excellent insight, thanks Pr. Vaknin. I have a question: What then happens to the internal object or the snapshot of an intimate partner who mortified him? In a previous video you said that the narcissist will not try to hoover a partner who exited the shared fantasy by cheating or mortified the narcissist. How this is explained in regards to the facts presented in this video? Thanks!

[@samvaknin]

Mortification is the only process that renders even the snapshot a devalued, persecutory object. Watch my vids on the topic.

[@anumer897]

Mortifying the narcissist is a great way to sign, seal and deliver yourself from him. It will greatly help with the 'no contact' policy because he will adhere to the same with you! That is what I am planning to do, so that even if I fall on my head and get weak, the narcissist himself will not want me back. Hahahaha! What is this process called? 'Idiot proofing' myself? 'Ironclad preventative measures'?

[@IwillEndureToTheEnd]

Hi Prof Sam. My question is: if the narc is a woman, should I think of it as the female narc wants to separate from the mother as well? Is it always the mother?

[@rogerpatitucci6741]

Amazing, TKS

[@LoriSings65]

Perfect bravo 🚀

[@tarasteward3271]

Dear Sam Vaknin you mentioned that Narc always has the internal-''you'' he just rejects the external real -you. this almost seems like the same with the victim as well. victim after a while realizes that they never knew a narcissist but they remain in love with the fantasy -narc who had the mask on at the beginning of the relationship. what do you think about this?

[@samvaknin]

The shared fantasy MERGES you with the narcissist, so of course you become one and the same!

[@mariasideri3772]

every time he hoovers, the snapshot of each face changes ??? feels the need to modify it;

[@gregorysilva6287]

? Does the narcissist have paranoid dilusions about mother ,and fusing with the partner . Can you speak to this please . Sir I thank you. You have enabled me to learn so much about the woman I was with . She discarded me . She is 50 years old and still on mommy's nipple. Believe she is a vulnerable narc

[@ErikAdalbertvanNagel]

My father admited he's a narcissist. Our relationship is quite strange and toxic and abusive, yet he's often compares me to my grandfather, I feel that my father obsessed with my gradfather's idealized image and always want to be he's favourite son (which he wasn't, my father wasn't the first born so my uncle got everything). Is it possible to have father issues and fantazies instead of a mother one?

[@RonaldWarman-gr9kk]

This makes sense. I recall my ex girlfriend studying me in the beginning, and then making sure she had a final photograph of us on her phone of me wearing my signature outfit at the time before leaving me.

[@SP-kk1zd]

Mind blowing video. Prof Vaknin I have a question - does no contact cause mortification?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@MariePerez-e2l]

Professor once again I’m here just amazed (as always) by your work and appreciate the lectures. I wonder how this applies to the LDR shared fantasy. Your video was absolutely great and I understood it very well but does this “meshing” or “fusion” also apply with the LDR relationships regarding the distorted “snapshot” ? Thank you

[@samvaknin]

LDR is a disrupted shared fantasy.

[@SQ_og]

I ran into my ex narc while wearing very ugly shoes to be disjointed from the snapshot. She started yelling at the sky raising her hands (clearly all black).

[@anetakostrzewa8185]

Sam, does a narcissist also snapshot the women he only uses for sex? Those women he sees pretty regularly but who are not his mother figures? If so, why?

[@samvaknin]

Not only women. Everyone who is a source of supply.

[@jimenamera8380]

@@samvaknin I’d like to send you information about a therapeutic community that’s been working with narcissism and I really think you can be interested, please if you could just give it a look …

[@jimenamera8380]

Sorry my English, I’m from Mexico !

[@robertirwin3480]

So what happens to me now.if she’s with someone new but my ideal photoshop is still sitting on her shelf in her head.but I discarded her!!! ???

[@AbiBrown-q9k]

the narc I met earlier this year. I was in a good place and certainly not looking for a boyfriend. This guy was over whelming and over the top. I tend to listen, and this narc tented to talk non-stop. I knew something was off. He kept lying about the same thing but with different endings. I mentally shut down because I had enough his gaslighting and constantly questioning me and judgmental. I stood up to him I had to be blunt. I said, I already have ahole I don't need another one. In a different occasion I said, you pretty blue eyes are not doing it for me, I could not sleep and I was drained every time I spoke with him. He was toxic and I never quite encounter anyone like him. This is far from the norm for me but my best friend told me to just try to lose him this way. This guy would not take no for an answer. Thirty glorious days ago, he told me he had and enough and walked out of my life hopefully for good.

[@chiangmaijojo]

Could you explain how far into the relationship the discard occurs IE I was the perfect target I felt as tho I was put on a pedestal only to fall which of course I did. Is it that as you say the external partner will change and evolve even picking holes in the coverts story and then starts to back off from the emotional roller coaster thus not giving enough supply to the snapshot internally and is not mirroring the external object I was in this for six and a half years I left got hoovered went back many many times It's now been one year of no contact with the help of your videos I am remapping my mind if he pops up I refuse the pop up and think of something else. My situation was a man with 5 children with 3 different mothers the last child lives with him since she was 3 he destroyed mentally her mother she's now 16 and never seen her mother he totally controls her unless using her to pick a fight against his newest partner or devaluing her for the new partner. That's just my thoughts on how he worked it was horribly confusing and stressful have you come across this before .. many regards

[@malikak9384]

Looking for someone to talk and help me to cope with the monster I've loved once and still ruining my life.

[@darya_vi]

Thank you

[@Tracy-w3f]

Hey Sam...Check this out...11 years with a malignant....getting fed up with no drinking no smoking threats...and mind you i didn't know anything...just another non smoker who hassles smokers....anyway my anger showed and instead of saying f**k you...i called him a "control freak"...and the next day i did some research on that word and....i think you know where I'm going with this....wow

[@brendaplunkett8659]

If the Narcissist doesnt hoover you after you publicly discard him in a social setting of his peers is that proof that you have caused him mortification and he will leave you alone? I have been no contact since.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Is high grade narcissistic supply very much like an ideal mother lovingly and conditionally loving and mirroring her baby or young child? What does it feel like or invoke in the narcissist?

[@theo-ny2608]

Wow!

[@ΜΑΡΙΑΠΑΠΑΔΟΠΟΥΛΟΥ-π7ω]

I could not care less why he devalues me in each cycle. He hoovers me every single time I decide to leave. I struggle to disengage and then, there he is again! Changing to the persona he knows that suits me, just to devalue and abuse me mentally and emotionally harder each time. I am gone for good now, I rejected his hoover for the first time and he did sth new! He is taking revenge on me in my work environment! I cannot concentrate and be happy at work (we are colleagues). I feel ashamed in front of my other colleagues . Non stop abuse and torture! He flirts other beautiful women in front of me. And more. Beware ladies, they are really charming and exciting men!

[@Jethie8]

Would it ever be possible for the narcissist to separate with the help of a psychologist? I’m sure I saw in your videos that this is only possible as a child. Also, if the narcissist was paired with a borderline considering the pattern of approach avoidance from both sides, might this mean that the devaluation phase from the narcissist is delayed?

[@FlowerlyF.]

Funny how I laughed it off before knowing what narcissism was with „they‘re psychotic almost“ and you confirming my thoughts..

[@Athira_OracleSolutions]

Narc want to control someone to complete this process??

[@joymace1223]

Ok this is very interesting. My ex and I have been divorced 10 years, 8 years ago he got back together with his first love, had a child with her etc. She is a borderline. They were fighting and broke up and the only thing he saved or hid away from her so she would not destroy it was his and my old wedding album. He has attempted to hoover me 3 or so times even while dragging my name and through a custody battle for our children for 6 years. We have been no contact for 2 years due to him breaking in my home during the pandemic and attacking me accusing me of kidnapping his borderline girlfriend. I was the one who left him and filed for divorce, he never tried to leave me during our relationship but he has tried to leave his borderline multiple times and attempts to hoover me. He was diagnosed with Anti Social PD and Narcissistic PD during a court ordered mental eval. I'm wondering if I should be concerned he will return again and keep getting more dangerous.

[@carefulobserver1166]

I would say yes, be concerned.

[@joymace1223]

@@carefulobserver1166 Good to have another person's perspective. Sometimes I wonder if it's his borderline girlfriend or him who is more obsessed with hurting me. She is extremely jealous and has told him I stalk her, etc which I never have. He broke in here accusing me of kidnapping her after trying to hoover me 3 weeks before. But again...Like Dr. Vaknin said they are probably enmeshed and the same person now.

[@tatjanasimic-sk8bl]

What is confusing to me his mom is an amazing person..i instantly fell in love with her..we clicked on the first meeting..we are si similar both by appearance and personality wise..his father who passed away 20 years ago was abusive to his mom and him..

[@ambernelson2695]

Hoping you read my comment Sam , I'm am curious of why would a narcissist stay with the same person , repeating this cycle with that same person for years? Also , do narcissists feel empowered when having children/ babies? For example, always wanting to have another baby with this person.

[@sunnyday3539]

Because having a baby traps you into the relationship. Narcissists like to have captive prisoners. They can’t stand to be alone.

[@Rui21113]

Is this the same for a female narcissist??

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@mygirldarby]

Have you done any videos on the narcissist and cannabis use/abuse? Cannabis makes my (probably narcissist) husband more insane than usual. He turns into a different (terrible) person when he vapes or smokes it. He can certainly be an a$hole at times when he is straight, but what he's done lately is cruel and outright evil. Does cannabis have a more heightened effect on narcissists? He has told me it makes him "better," but it most certainly does not... maybe a better narcissist? He acts like a total jerk when he's on it, and he can't do it once in a while either. It's from morning to night. He's leaving me now because he is high as a kite and I got very ill. He hates nothing more than my getting sick. Most people don't become raging grandiose narcissists on weed, but my soon to be ex-husband does. He destroyed a 25 year marriage all while stoned.

[@Suzanneclayfiji]

Why would a narcissist contact you after discard through text but have you blocked so you cannot text them back? What does this kind of hoovering accomplish for him? It seems sadistic to me…

[@samvaknin]

Passive-aggression.

[@Suzanneclayfiji]

I didn’t see it that way but it makes sense. I think all his hoovering has been passive aggressive, thank you for helping me see it that way.

[@Suzanneclayfiji]

@@samvaknin is this revenge, punishment or sadistic supply?

[@nicoletacherechesu1576]

I dont understanding….if the narcisist needs his mother, and disvovery her figure in figure of the partner…. why dont able to keep for ever wjat he founded….!?!?

[@samvaknin]

I don’t understand why you don’t search the channel. Watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist.

[@glambarcelona]

Are they aware of this repetition compulsion?

[@samvaknin]

They are aware of their behaviors, but not of their motivations.