No More Drama With Mama | Gayle Kirschenbaum | TEDxBergenCommunityCollege

Did you ever feel like you were born into the wrong family? I did. According to my mother, I couldn’t do anything right and my brothers couldn’t do anything wrong. My nose was too big; my hair was too frizzy and my butt too fat. All I ever wanted was out, out of her way, out of my house, away from the constant barrage of criticism, orders and demands. After I left home, went to university and built an Emmy-award winning career, underneath my successful façade I was seething with anger towards my mother. My struggles with trust and abandonment sabotaged many aspects of my life including my personal and romantic relationships. Most people don’t believe that I even talk to my mother today much less she is my closest friend. My story is about forgiveness. How I came to understand, forgive and cherish my mother.
Gayle Kirschenbaum is an Emmy-winning filmmaker/TV producer/writer. Called “the Nora Ephron of documentaries”, Gayle has turned the camera on herself in her recent feature documentary. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER! is about the transformation of a highly charged mother/daughter relationship from Mommie Dearest to Dear Mom. This is the “larger version” of her humorous short film, MY NOSE, in which we follow her mother’s relentless campaign to get her to have a nose job. Prior to this film, Kirschenbaum made a poignant and wacky film with her dog about the human/canine bond called A DOG'S LIFE: A DOGAMENTARY, which premiered on HBO. She created several reality shows that premiered on TLC and Discovery Health, and co-created JUDGMENT DAY that also aired on HBO.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@jessicraigaquaticsandexoti6664]

"i was abused as a child, so I have to abuse you and you have to forgive me!" That's not right..

[@sheryn6922]

right? I wonder what changed to make them such good friends. Did her mother change or did she just accept the abuse? I must have missed something.

[@Smr0889]

Yup. I thought the same thing. This talk started great but ended poorly.

[@kayceewhite]

Jessi Craig God this is exactly how my mom treats me. She’s actually literally said that to me.

[@laetitia6416]

I agree !!

[@karinlarsen2608]

@@sheryn6922 honest common pure forgiveness is the road to happiness. Nothing else can work

[@camillacars]

You mom loved your brothers and didn't love you, she somehow managed to overcome her trauma and love the boys and didn't love you. That's not fair.

[@Nowhere9]

I’m sorry 💔

[@shreyaindia4024]

Yeah I had this doubt too.

[@amyzielinski6239]

I've come to realize that my mom did the same with me and my brother. Turns out, I was the scapegoat and he, the golden child in a narcissistic family. My dad was also the scapegoat. My mom was the head of that family and nobody ever goes against the head narcissist. When I decided to cut her out of my life at least while I become stronger. We will see in time, she called me cruel and said I might as well consider her dead. The narcissist will usually play the victim and yet they are the ones doing the abuse. They are incapable of looking at themselves because they too most likely were raised to self shame by a parent. That's why I had to stop this generational cycle of abuse. I just hope my complex trauma doesn't mess my kids up too much

[@ouioui9284]

I just no longer thought of my mum as my mother, just a women in my life. I guess that’s how I survived my teenage years..

[@Rose.Marie.]

It's unfortunate how true this is

[@damedeviant1388]

I’ve become apathetic towards my mother and never apologetic. Becoming estranged from her is healing for me, not forgiveness.

[@taoster3638]

Forgiveness is for you and does not mean you have to have a relationship with her. Forgive her and let her go.

[@ellyk8834]

@@taoster3638 Don't forgive unrepentant people. Forgive yourself for all the time and emotional energy you wasted thinking you were the one with the problem. People who have suffered Narcissistic abuse have forgiven the abuser too many times to count, often for things that are actually unforgiveable. It's when we stop forgiving them that we begin to heal.

[@robinmurray5266]

I won't forgive her. Only option I have is to remain cold and distant from her. That is my victory over her. The more she thinks she knows about me the more she will sabotage me. I take that power away from her.

[@maymimi1449]

Same😔

[@reginapolo3357]

Good job

[@Vyjayanthi41]

This is an extremely difficult psychological task. Body shaming by mother and intellect shaming by father basically makes you vulnerable to abuse outside family.

[@Vyjayanthi41]

@@TheeKaylaMarieOne thanks for your reply But I did not understand the second part, being groomed to be a predator? ! Not every Victim becomes an abuser. Nor a predator. But we can understand the innocence of a victim, some of us become empaths.

[@Vyjayanthi41]

Perhaps because we are groomed already, we attract predators ? Yes. I understand.

[@katiemoehring4945]

Intellectual abuse, wow. I didn’t realize that was a thing. My dad definitely did that to me.

[@rosequartz4102]

At the end it sounded to me like the speaker had succumbed to something akin to Stockholm syndrome. The ending didn't make sense to me compared to the first 80%.

[@rosequartz4102]

@@katiemoehring4945 Oh yes it's definitely a thing. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that. I don't know you but I want to say that by watching this and commenting, you are a strong, intelligent woman and no one can take that from you.

[@phuongmainguyen1513]

First of all, you need to leave them. You can only forgive them if they are not anywhere around you all day.

[@notyourtype5329]

Exactly

[@josemariaravines9326]

Right!!!!!!

[@sandipdeshmukh8607]

or when they are dead

[@mariamalhotra8228]

No contact at least till you are stronger

[@maymimi1449]

Sooooo right I totally agree with you

[@jennessy408]

You had me up until you said "resolve my relationship with my mother." Your mother sounded highly narcissistic and usually with narcissists, they see nothing wrong with their abuse and never take responsibility. I refuse to ever try to forgive my mother and attempt to build a relationship with her again because I've done that for years and end up getting hurt in the end every single time. I find more peace in cutting her off completely because it gives me more room to heal and live my life the way I want to.

[@priyam2224]

Mee too

[@shaydawindle6380]

I was thinking borderline personality. she definitely has personal issues blaming others

[@shinigami5676]

Amen. Every situation is different and we have to adapt to said situation.

[@valeriatorres7397]

Seriously

[@cindysingh1157]

Me to

[@ishabansal7911]

When she started speaking positive things about her mother it made me cringe. I can't imagine saying nice things about my abusive toxic mom.

[@Jollybeans-ut6vw]

Same here! She is toxic af ! We are responsible for our own lives not others!

[@thatgirl8772]

Same

[@keepingthefaith1368]

I’ve beeeen having this drama all my life and every time I thought I had forgiven her something happens and I find myself at the same dark place. What I didn’t realize was the expectation part. I was still waiting for her to acknowledge what she did to me but every time I was the one apologizing All the time. I’ve decided to stop and release my expectations and heal myself

[@sorenae3451]

😔

[@maymimi1449]

Same😔

[@jayatisachdeva3781]

Same😞😞

[@olagerta8199]

Good luck in healing your life! Good therapist can help you

[@ashleyhunter2156]

same sis

[@roxanaalecu3741]

my mother has a hateful look that makes me crying inside.feel so aggressed.need to get her out of my life and heal my pain.

[@lydiaboutaghou2740]

Me too you know.. sometimes while shes talking to me even if its a small argument theres this look that u just catch immediately and you just feel that energy and its detroys you from the inside

[@daddypop4299]

Narcissist exists

[@tashilhamu4510]

lydia boutaghou 😭😭😭😢😢😢omg both of your comments struck me so hard. That look i know. It kills me from inside. That look of rejection

[@haylea2013]

Hi. Is it working?

[@gordongrigsby9432]

Your mom sounds like a horrible b**** like my mother

[@nanusha91]

I forgave my mom for a long time and asked her politely to not do or say the things that hurt me the most, but she still did. I stopped talking to her and blocked her number until she understood and apologized, but it took a lot out of me and it only worked because I was already independent enough from her that she couldn't control me in any other way. I'm happy for her relationship with her mother fixing easily, but it's very much not three simple steps.

[@ananh1716]

“Be a hero in your story, not the victim.”

[@dianelamorticella6053]

Yessss!! Let go of the victim mindset and take control of your life!!!

[@tenajagibson2581]

💜

[@joncena168]

Forgiving my parents as broken ppl, it sure does help after a lifelong narcissist abuse. I’m 29 I’m no contact with them. I needed this. I wish the speaker nothing but love and peace and same to you all.

[@NatalyCubillas]

I don’t think that years and years of emotional and physical abuse can be forgiven just like that. Specially when this kind of people (mothers) never recognize what they did wrong. I still hate my mother for neglecting me so much and letting so many people abuse me even after all the times I would tell her I was being abused and harmed by people she knew. I mean, you can talk about understanding but for me, the fact that my mother had a bad childhood is not an excuse to do that to me un purpose, it actually makes her a worse person because she knows what it feels like to be neglected and she chose to do that to me. This trauma makes me think whenever I have kids I will never make them feel the way she made me feel. You can always choose. Those mothers never chose to be the hero, always victims hurting their kids.

[@babybruv6389]

It doesn't happen "like that". She's older, you can tell she's been fighting this for years. The people I know who have forgiven their parents in my life have taken max 30 years post realization to fully forgive.

[@ec2215]

A absolutely agree 👍

[@rhmendelson]

Your situation sounds really intense and I'm sorry you had to deal with so much pain. It sounds like you have an immense degree of strength and have figured out how to keep moving forward. It also sounds like you've gained a lot of wisdom and a valuable perspective to improve circumstances for others. This is amazing and you have lots to proud of for the work you've done!

[@taoster3638]

Well said Nataly. But we need to forgive them for our own mental emotional health and let them go. God bless you.

[@ellyk8834]

@@taoster3638 Nope. F**k forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves and holding them accountable for what they've done/do (not forgiving them) is what heals. I hate the push to forgive. I think people who push forgiveness are not as emotionally healed as they claim to be. Letting them go and feeling nothing toward them is fine. Forgiving the unforgivable - it's unforgiveable to abuse a child - keeps survivors in a place of weakness. It takes strength to hold people accountable for their behavior. I am strong. They are weak for taking their life frustrations out on a child. So no more forgiveness except toward the person who has earned it - Me.

[@Kicikicimaj]

I know what my mother went through as a child but her criticism is following me all my life regardless of forgiveness. Starting from my body image to sabotaging my career and relationships. Yes, forgiveness but damage is done and it would be nice to hear how to overcome the above

[@ronesss33]

ANNA KITA Meredith Miller ‘Inner Integration’ on KZbin is fantastic also xx

[@rachelsweets]

Check out Inner Integration, Irene Lyon and Mobility Mastery.

[@rachelsweets]

Jerry Wise is good too

[@Misses-Hippy]

That is a good point: even if we can torture ourselves into a yoga knot of forgiveness, that does nothing to resolve the damage. The notion of forgiveness really only muddies the waters.

[@FreedomForever116]

@@Misses-Hippy Excellent point. The trauma we carry just doesn't float away, it is THERE. "Yoga knot of forgiveness" :) been there.

[@gdew9643]

You forgive, reframe your mind, but unfortunately the person keeps hurting you. So might be better to distance yourself.

[@misshappy2976]

Exactly what I thought

[@hindahorn3425]

Forgiveness is for YOU, not the person who has hurt you., because you love yourself and don't need to walk around feeling angry, hurt and victimized constantly. The other person will most likely never change, they are hard-wired that way and probably broken. Forgiveness is Your liberation, not their's. it's not a clean slate for them or a free pass. It's a gift of love to you, from you. Once I understood this, I could appreciate the other person for their good points and set boundaries with them to minimize the negative; if I need to not call them for a week or longer, it's ok. I still forgive them, but I don't tolerate toxicity anymore.

[@zenfrodo]

Forgiveness only works if the other person is willing to apologize & try to change their behaviour. Forgiveness does no good if the abusive patterns continue. Understanding is only part of it. Forgiveness does not work with everyone; many times, it's pushed as an excuse to just "get over it". Abuse -- emotional, physical, verbal -- leaves deep, long-lasting wounds & scars that we have to work to change & heal from. Why should the abuser get "forgiven"? There's another side to forgiveness, and that's *change*. If my car hits a patch of ice, skids, & hits someone else, it doesn't matter that it wasn't my fault; it doesn't matter that the ice caused me to skid. I still have to pay for the damage I did; I still have to make sure the needed info is given, the insurance pays for the damage, I pay the increased premiums, whatever. Abuse is the same way: the abuser might have reasons for why they acted like that. So? All of us have reasons. It doesn't change the fact that the hurt happened, that the abuse affected my life & future deeply. Absolution doesn't come free; it contains *solution* -- you want absolution for abusing someone? Then you have to be part of the solution.

[@sharronrosey]

I truly agree. Even tho forgiveness is great, it should be a choice, not an expectation. In many ways it has become such an excuse for bad behaviour. Act like anything you want, because people "must forgive." That is putting all the accountability on the person who was hurt. Why are they they the only ones forced to take action for bad behaviour? Another thing I feel about forgiveness is that it is so much "easier said than done." It is so very easy to say you forgive. Quite another to actually do it. Maybe that is why people say they "forgive but don't forget". Yet, for me, that makes little sense. If I truly forgave, I am ready to also forget. Until then, I am not going to say I forgive (with my lips) but my heart is still wounded and angry. Having said all this, I truly commend this sweet and beautiful woman for the love and patience she has shown her Mother. I am watching the documentary, and can't believe how emotionally mean her Mom was to her. For no reason. She has a beautiful daughter, inside and out. One thing that I thought was strange too, was the Mom always telling the daughter her "nose was too big." Such an awful thing for a Mom to say (in the first place) (and her nose is fine) but it seems like physically her Mom herself has a larger nose? How strange to criticize someone else, then? Surely it must represent how people don't see theirselves in a real way! It is all so sad because I think the daughter was quite beautiful, and any Mom should be proud! And, irregardless, even if someone happened to not be physically "beautiful" they should ALWAYS be in the eyes of their Mother!

[@DenBlaaOstereje]

Thank you for this comment, I think I really needed this. While I really think forgiveness is probably the best solution to many people, I also think it does not apply for everyone. I am kind of sick of getting told to just forgive my mother, because I tried so, several times even, and she just proceeded to become even more abusive. So now I kind of lost faith in that she will ever change. But as other people point out, maybe forgiving for one's own sake is necessary at one point, in order to let go of all the anger you have yourself and be more at peace. Good luck to all of you who are also dealing with this :)

[@inkedhigh]

Forgiveness is radiating positive behavior. If you don't forgive you are holding a grudge and that puts us at a place where we fight each other. You probably hate the way humanity is bc of all what goes on the news. But why? We spread too much negativity and everyone feeds off it. If you radiate kindness to others they will do the same. The one thing I will tell you, don't expect anything back when you try to be kind. If you show that, your enemy will follow your footsteps. It won't happen in second but you have taught them something. If your enemy asks you to get him a slice of pizza, buy 2 slices for him. Dont do it in fear, do it bc you know it will change things.

[@Similo]

zenfrodo I’m crying right now

[@LuxMeow]

Yes exactly. Therapists are mainly clueless idiots who impose their own beliefs onto their clients. They have no clue what they are talking about so their solution is to convince their clients to become delusional and at the end of the day making it still appeasing the abuser. Or having that one sided love relationship. What a fkn joke!

[@kKizz]

It's good to hear you have a happy ending but it's not always the case for everyone...which is sad. Not all abusive parents learn to improve that way. :(

[@Jollybeans-ut6vw]

Yes, they don't make any effort to make things better. Why should we care ?? They become old and later realise they need us , thats it

[@patriciadault8983]

Forgiveness is not saying a person's actions are ok...its letting go so you heal and don't carry the toxic behavior...forgive so you can live.

[@falak4535]

What gets us all upset in life is when we have unfilled expectations. I changed my expectations of her. 9:35 👏👏👏👏👏

[@thiabrabson2533]

So very POWERFUL! I've changed my expectations of ALL my relationships. I accept what others offer as ALL they are capable of giving. I NOW FULFILL MY OWN EXPECTATIONS❣

[@villainuday5365]

Falak teach me mate

[@zoeskeeling8299]

Understood. But everyone should expect their mothers to love them and not emotionally abuse them. Unless I’m missing something?

[@estephaniey123]

I decided to stay away from my own mother. My mother and sister are both monsters that are exactly alike. Maybe one day I will be able to forgive them.

[@shivanirajput4948]

Don't forgive them at all...

[@mahoganyshanae6116]

Me to ! My mother and sister or both alike. I'm done with the hatred.

[@Jollybeans-ut6vw]

Save your loving energy for someone who deserves it ❤️

[@madeleinejones3972]

I have to leave my mother...44 years later....I refuse to see her now. Or my father....because he is abused by her too..but defends her not me. Tired of it. I'm sick, sad, and still child like. I can forgive my mother. But that does not mean I need to see her.

[@Jollybeans-ut6vw]

You are doing the correct thing ❤️

[@abhisheksoni22]

Specially in India, when parents are considered and reverred like God, its too difficult to make people understand how abusive the parents have been. Its very difficult to get help

[@Jollybeans-ut6vw]

Just keep healthy distance from them . It can have a very damaging effects on your emotional health

[@dreamandmakeit6221]

I am suffering this. I can't.😥😥😥

[@lactobacillusprobiotic7029]

You are not obligated to forgive anyone if you don’t want to.

[@ibico907]

Reading all the comments, it pains me that we have forgiveness misunderstood. Forgiveness is not about amends. You arent obligated to stay in relationship, to always have them by your side, to always listen to what they say. Forgiveness is about FREEDOM from, anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness etc.. Its about your freedom, not theirs. Forgiveness comes with boundaries, because if the parent doesnt change you cannot stay close. YOU will be drinking poison and waiting for them to die. Not healthy. Forgiveness is about letting go of your right to avenge yourself and letting a higher power or their own consequences avenge you. Life has a way of turning things back at you when you least expect it. The best revenge is to heal and better yourself, distance yourself from what they want to put on you. Ohh how sweet when you show them it doesnt hurt no more. 😊

[@missstarrynight7736]

What about people who live with their narcissistic mothers? How could I let go, huh? Sorry, I can't move out. I can't afford it and I am chronically ill. I have no husband who could be my shelter. No siblings, and no friends living in my country.

[@tleem6484]

I'm glad someone truly understands forgiveness!

[@mrfahrenheit1223]

My mum can literally make me cry with one look, even though I am generally very strong. She never stood by me when I was going through hard times and still she has so much expectations for me, even though she was never there. I really wanted her to be my friend, but I am tired of trying. I am so jealous of the relationship my friends have with their mothers, but I know we will never be that way. I try to see the bright side, because I know that story made me so strong and independent, at least on the outside. But I know it will always hurt and I my biggest fear is that I may be the same way as a mother.

[@User_xx123]

You will be different, don't be afraid

[@semirjemill]

I feel your pain😢

[@pousalisarkar7694]

Don't worry, I am facing the issue for 28 years . My elder brother and mother have high toxic traits. I was afraid about the same thing that if I will be a toxic parent like them in future, I consulted psychologists, they confidently told it won't happen as I have the awareness.🎉

[@wierzewjeze]

It's beautiful that you forgave your abuser and it has healed you. However, I think it's crucial to stress that yoj dont have to push yourself to forgive! First step is to distance yourself, stop being constantly abused in the first place, be able to process emotions. And then, if the forgiveness comes - great. If not, it's still ok. Your wellbeing should always be your priority.

[@whencesleepfairy]

Fully agree 👍👍

[@Jollybeans-ut6vw]

Yes❤️

[@rossgenovese8679]

Yes. You need to protect yourself from the abuse first. You can forgive but you don’t have to make yourself sick by keeping yourself in the firing line.

[@musiux2000]

To forgive and to become best friends are 2 very different things. You can forgive but keep the distance and choose not to rebuild relationship. Abusive, narcissistic people never change. I had this with my mother. I forgive her and let her back into my life. It took her few years to go back to normal behavior of dismissing my feelings, emotionally blackmailing and guilt tripping. The result is that I'm hurting again and need to start from scratch my healing. Love is not only love for other, it is also love for yourself. Being kind needs to start with you being kind to yourself and not externally.

[@Mil_laniBells]

This is exactly how my mother is right now and has been through out my life,i'm tired of everyone calling me crazy and not validating my feelings just because she is my mother and shes perfect and right and I am and always will be wrong and dependent on her because in her eyes I will always be a mistake and waste of energy and space.I hate it,and no matter how much I try I will never look at that woman as my "mother" ever again.

[@JiMo711]

I am also getting sick because of my mom's emotional blackmailing!

[@karinlarsen2608]

I think listening to this speech and reading everyone's comments should happen from time to time several times through before we find our healing

[@pascalpeeters1290]

It's always good to see we're not the only one... Thank you !

[@wiemmhamdi3857]

I guess it's the first step of healing

[@observercation]

I hate my mother

[@missak1365]

Same

[@miripuol1426]

Shadab Praveen same 🙄

[@Trixie_Tang]

Same

[@veea1543]

Same 😔

[@tayloredwards4803]

Shadab Praveen lol

[@SunnyDeeTee]

If your definition of forgiveness is to let go of anger then I have am in the process of doing that. But my definition of forgiveness is the moment there is no longer an issue between two parties. There is still and always will be an issue between my mother and I and I cant change that. There are just some things in life that we might not like but they cannot be changed. I have to let go of anger but be willing to accept that she will never change. Forgiveness occurs at repentance and not before. And that means a real effort to change.

[@rr.n7132]

This made me cry so hard .

[@rhodoravillanueva2600]

no wonder, there's alot of old mothers out there in convalesce because they do not know how to treat their childrens right when they are young..cant blame the children who suffer the psychological trauma from their mother,.this is a good lesson to anyone that would like to be a mother in the future that we are not going to do the same pattern again with our children, because, No child deserves to experience and be treated that way.

[@myfuturepuglife]

My mother has hated me since before I was born. Then she taught me to hate her and myself. Been no contact for two years and I'm still healing.

[@pjsanchez1957]

How blessed you are to have a mother that is willing to learn, grow and heal with you.

[@rachaelrejashealey5254]

This is a nice idea, but I feel this talk has absolutely 0 for people with narc mothers.

[@lenanox8153]

agree

[@Kicikicimaj]

Absolutely

[@Trixie_Tang]

💯💯💯💯💯👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@EveningTV]

I get what you are saying. The minute her mom said yes to the project I tuned out. Not that this mother isn't narcissistic, but that's not how my narc mother was/is either. She would never agree to talk about our relationship. Lord knows I tried that for years! And God forbid make a film where she was depicted as anything but perfect, forget it.

[@zoeskeeling8299]

agree

[@chryzbre4336]

When u forgive & let go of it you're doing it for yourself, your peace, your happiness, the world doesn't care, u have to take care of yourself & heal u. Don't dwell on the little or petty things u have to tell yourself u have bigger problems & can't b bothered by small stuff cuz the only thing it's doing is affecting u, your mood, your day & your health. I didn't realize this until I got sick a lifetime illness, I realized life is short idk how much time I have, no1 does & we have to make the best of thing's for ourselves & I viewed life differently, all the petty problems & ppl making rude comments didn't matter to me anymore why hold onto that & tell them something back, let them b miserable on their own & u do u & keep living your best, stay positive. When u make the best of thing's & strive to b happy everyday & smile u get that back in life, u attract positive happy ppl that will help u thru the bad time's. A positive mind will get u more positive results, really u can get anywhere u want to. We're only here for a short time & we shud make the best of it & enjoy it, the bad time's are temp & WILL pass & thing's happen for a reason, they make us wiser & stronger. Learn from your mistakes. I hope this can help someone 😊

[@jayadeva77]

I disagree with this. You cannot "forgive" unless there is an authentic process. In order to "heal" you must step away and make boundaries and be in your own sovereignty. You can still have empathy and compassion, while still holding strong to your own boundaries and needs. Narcissistic, abusive and borderline mothers tend to never work on themselves and will most likely continue to treat you abusively, so you MUST step away and claim our own life, and sometimes going "no contact" is the only solution. Not all mother relationships end up in fairy-tale endings, and you are NOT a victim by being angry at the way your mother violated you, it is not blaming your mother to say "I do not deserve to be treated this way, by ANYONE". I don't think this video applies to people with seriously abusive mothers.

[@alexisramsey6827]

YOUR COMMENT IS PERFECT!!! It creates sooo much added trauma to hear, "That's still your mom." "You shouldn't cut her off." Who is going to make HER responsible for her actions while attempting to make me responsible for mine!? Forgiveness is a CHOICE! Your comment made me no longer feel as if I was the only person feeling this way.

[@harrietcabelly7957]

Boundaries is sooo important!

[@urwokeness4490]

Riiight

[@TheFabulousBrad]

This was beautifully written and well put, thank you.

[@menoyuno8430]

I’d rather a system where bad parents are not forgiven it’s fine if the victim wants to find a reason to let go but to just forgive seems more like suspense in disbelief of their pain..

[@Misses-Hippy]

Absolutely!

[@TannerForbes]

I love how she keeps it simple by focusing on sharing her story, and never tries to get overly-philosophical about human nature or trauma- but rather tell her truth and inspire others to find theirs. I think there is a lot of personal healing in turning your attention to other's stories.

[@dollreemappmmk14]

Yes,ALWAYS in FEAR of her and her punishments,constant fear.

[@shivanirajput4948]

Ohh my god.. I m facing the same

[@fearless-bn8is]

I'll never forgive my parents especially my mother because the things she has put me through is beyond forgiveness

[@melindah.707]

I am so sorry you had to go through all of this and from the person that brought you into the world. I pray you find healing and wholeness I can help others to get through

[@Shines-On]

I think it's shocking that only a handful of ppl commented on this. I'm struggling right now about what to do with my mom. She has all the signs of a Covert Narcissist. If you read or hear anything about that, ppl tell you to go No Contact, that they never change and only get worse with age. So I have gone No Contact and I've slipped into a really bad depression. I realized that I was sad, like to my core. I don't know what to do. I have been praying about it. Your story really made me feel that it might be possible for a reconciliation. Thank you.

[@user-xp6hu6mh7f]

I am so sorry to hear that.... well my mom is a cover Narcissist too.. she always tried to manipulate me... What I realized over the past years ... Giving up her.. Always remember you can't change her. She won't be changed forever. You don't need to forgive her. Just live your own life... hon

[@scottishcatlady]

I was the same about my mum. I went on contact for a year and in some ways it helped but I've been te ting her recently and it lifted a weight of me. No contact is hard and it doesn't resolve anything. The bit about understanding your mums past is good and it gives us empathy. I don't see my mum in that relationship because she hasn't got the quality to be a mum because of what has happened in her past. I've had counciling for a while and it has helped me work on my anger. I believe it will get better. I wish you all the best x

[@karinlarsen2608]

Could you get to know your mother's childhood? Does she trust you enough to be transparent? I hope you listen to this speech again and read everyone's comments, maybe again and again

[@loismendelsohn3210]

You will probably go back and forward until you realise that reconciliation is not really possible.

[@iwonaula9]

What an honest story. I relate to it so much. Thank you for sharing. You are a very courageous and strong woman.

[@Aboagyeman1]

If your mum could love your brothers, she could have loved you the same.... blah!

[@roxannemorton]

Such a strong woman. This is claiming power over your pain to build a happy, fulfilled life. I agree and have experienced the power of forgiveness. She speaks truth.

[@elhadjdiallo633]

I really need help sir !!! Cptsd , trauma and anxiety have almost ruined my life !!! I need help !!!

[@chantevythonn3497]

I have tried so many times to forgive my mother, but I am treated the same way. I’m so frustrated because no matter what I did I couldn’t be right. I got picked on the whole time. My mom never praised me no matter how hard I tried.😭 She only put me in tears when the whole world is letting me down.

[@shivanirajput4948]

Same with me.. I m just tired of facing this situation in my life... I want myself to kill

[@user-kn6qx9wj9b]

Same😭 I forgive her everytime and she keeps on hurting me!

[@rossgenovese8679]

@@user-kn6qx9wj9b it’s hard to forgive when they don’t change and keep hurting you. Very very hard

[@user-kn6qx9wj9b]

@@rossgenovese8679 True.. It's been almost 8 months since I commented here and our relationship is getting worse.. Even today she said me to get lost somewhere! I'm tired of everything. Sometimes I think of taking my life away! But why should I take my life for some human who don't care about my existence...

[@Mohit-gg2vd]

May I suggest something. I myself have been going thru this since my childhood. You cant forgive her and then expect her to be nice. First of all, you have to create your own boundaries and life because she will not back off( believe me, a I tried a million times) stop trying for her validation and expecting her to change. Build your boundaries that no one can abuse and start living your own life. Then will come a time when you would truly be able to forgive her because now you will be in a healthy space to do that.

[@TASconfidential]

With toxic family, the best solution is to go “no contact.” Period.

[@amuthaoly1590]

Agree that the pyschological trauma caused by parents does affect our relationship with the world outside. We do subconciously echo our parents' behaviour. Some people take years to heal, others never. There isn't motivation for me to want to do anything with my life when the very fundamentals of existence are being threatened, not by nature, nor by government, nor by God, but the very woman who bore me. According to my grandmother, she had hated me from the moment that i was born. When will there be justice for long suffering daughters?

[@merybiji9847]

Thank you for sharing, i don't like my mother any more, she makes me sad and sad every time. When I forgive her then she abuses more and more

[@El.Duder-ino]

Powerful speech... thank you for sharing!

[@BerylWalubengoAnyitiNanyama]

Aaaarrrrggggh bad mothers.. I am still angry trying to figure it out. I relate

[@rachelsweets]

I know your pain sis

[@anneneem]

She's obviously exploiting the situation for profit and banking on her abuse. This is not good advice for the rest of us. Everyone tells a person who's around a physical abuser to GET OUT. Same should apply to emotional abusers. Get out. Don't engage. Don't surround yourself with them. Start the life you deserve and were meant to live. If you want to silently forgive them from within go ahead, but don't make it "ok" to be around them. They are dangerous. Whether they mean it or not.

[@NothingWasted]

Amen!!!!!

[@lunasea4309]

Absolutely!

[@lunasea4309]

Absolutely!

[@musiana8806]

So true!

[@ZFern9390]

I remember as a 5yr old little girl wishing my mom's plane would crash as she went on vacation out of the country. The house seemed so peaceful with her gone. My brother and I got to spend two weeks alone with our dad and it was so light and not intense for those two weeks, She's 80 at this point. I fear she will live forever!

[@TomeRodrigo]

These types of people usually do. My friend has the same type of mother, and she is 100 now. Another one has the same mother, and she is 90. They express (vomit) their emotions on others (even as toxic actions). They don't suppress them, so they are somehow "healthy". Then you have unhealthy codependents who suppress everything in order for nobody to see and do not lash out at anybody because they have empathy and don't want to make anyone upset. Perhaps that free flow to (even) negative emotions does something to the body, so these people live long.

[@jo4mama906]

I'm currently struggling w/this same situation: in on the verge of 40 and my mother and oldest brother are my thorns. I can only hope & pray I can find the peace Gayle has found one day. Thank you. Yes, you could go on talking, but 15 minutes was very thorough. Thank you.

[@jordanalbano9780]

if you’re going to treat people horribly, first know that most people choose retaliation over forgiveness

[@okty_r_wells]

I am done, no more forgiveness for someone who manipulated my feeling all the time. I feel better without her and I don’t need her in mylife. My happiness is my responsibility but not her happiness. I am done.

[@emmabobby3666]

That! Exactly that. I wish you all the best !

[@susanreinersuedahl]

I like the modern definition of forgiveness. The old definition was like condoning abusive behaviour (in this context) and forgetting. Not! To me forgiveness is finding out why our mother's abused us for our sake, not theirs. It made me feel better when I figured out (as part of my healing process) why my mother's childhood, etc lead her to be abusive. I don't condone it but I felt better just knowing why. Having a better understanding. My mother was not involved in this forgiveness at all.

[@painpeko1259]

"I couldn't do anything right and my. sibling can't do anything wrong"

[@denisei5367]

Forgiveness is NOT necessary for healing.

[@reginapolo3357]

I am so sorry those horrible things happend to you honey. Because of trying to please my mom, I became the most successful amongst my siblings. The only daughter and oldest, and "daddy's apple of his eyes" . I thought that years would changed things, but I was so wrong, things got worst. I couldn't take it no more and walked away. I did the right thing.

[@NewClevelandRadio]

Gayle, I can relate and I am so grateful for finding you online - I went through a forgiving process with my mother after she had a stroke and I came to her and helped her until her death

[@maymimi1449]

My mother is endlessly silent .she never speaks to me 😔 but I love your story and I'm so happy for you ❤

[@samanthamansi1184]

I relate to this my mother is highly critical . I can no longer work with her she tells me that I will not be successful and it’s horrible .

[@Mrs_Guac_and_Glock]

I'm seeing a lot of people on here criticizing the techniques this woman used to heal from her trauma (forgiveness and recording the process). I must ask that you please not put down whatever someone needs to do to heal. Everyone is different and the healing process is in no way linear. Can't we all just be glad that she was able to heal, regardless of how she went about it 🤷

[@missstarrynight7736]

she didn't heal the trauma, unfortunately. She just normalized and justified her mother's behaviours. Those are two different things.

[@diana050661]

My mom would fight with me since I was 4 years old over my dads “loyalty” and commitment. The thing is I wasn’t fighting I just wanted my dad and my moms love but she till this day has treated me like a threat

[@mandarinvet5419]

Damn, had a similar situation these past 8 years, the more i forgive and tried to accept my mother, the more i get depressed, tried my very damn best, but she just do whatever she wants without thinking the consequences, most of the consequences were taken care of by me and not my mom, does she change at all? Nope, still the same So yes, some people are too narcisstic / toxic that the only way is to just leave them If you feel bad inside when you tried your best to accept whoever that person is, just leave, otherwise it will eat you from inside All the best and hope someone could get something from this🥺🙏

[@simxiiety]

I hate my mom literally so much :(

[@miskitoragee6296]

Same here

[@85ranjita]

Same here 👍

[@ruffey1748]

Lots of comments misunderstanding what forgiveness is. Forgiveness means forgoing of debt, think of loan forgiveness. You borrowed money, but with forgiveness, you don't owe the money back. You don't have to pay anything back. In this case, the person, Mum, whoever, doesn't have to pay anything back. You set aside the debt without them being sorry even. Because toxic people always avoid their responsibilities. The longer you stay angry at them, the more of THEIR burden you carry with you. It's not easy to unpick from the hurt, set boundaries with them etc. But waiting for an apology will make the pain they cause worse. You will never be at peace. If No contact with the person is possible, GO NO CONTACT. Clear your life of them and their BS. The absence will help you decide what you want and re-build your self esteem. When you nail down what is important to you in your life, no small toxic person will convince you otherwise. Toxic people are like the little bathroom spider: They're more scared of you, than you need to be of it! Despite what they make you feel otherwise. They are all bark, no bite. If you weren't around, they would have no one to project their insecurities on.

[@gaylekirschenbaum4968]

Thank you, Rebecca. Well said.

[@michellecoredro2782]

Yes!!! Thank You!!!#

[@grapeypear4558]

Yep

[@rachelsweets]

Thank you so much

[@ariiar8003]

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope one day my mother will start healing with me and open up. I’m 46 she in her 70’s and til this day she refuses to share anything personal with me regarding any trauma that she experienced in life. That’s the difference at 80 your mom finally opened up and you were able to see her as the wounded child. I live a happy life but my relationship with mom is like a monkey on my back that I can’t seem to shake. Only thing I can do is keep distance and ignore her triggers.

[@defunctdefunctdefunct]

Idk about forgiveness. I haven’t seen my mom in 2 years and haven’t spoken to her in one year. Honestly don’t miss it. Breaks my heart but too scared of my emotions to even face her.

[@tualien2316]

I really tried in the past, but with 18 years old i've learned that she will never change, she has hit me too many times to be able to forgive her, I had to file a complaint so she won't come near me, i'm feeling guilty but is the best i could do

[@dumblewhore4112]

Honestly, that title made me cry.

[@wendylynmtz3225]

I love this so much.. thank u

[@vicki6556]

My mom has always thought of my sister as her favorite child still to this day. I’m the one that helps her out when she needs it but doesn’t seem to appreciate it.

[@lactobacillusprobiotic7029]

I can relate to this so much.

[@intuitivelyinsync6500]

I understand now that forgiveness allows you to process all your emotions connected to certain experiences in your life and truly being in intuitively in sync. It truly allows you to heal yourself almost instantly and drop so much baggage and extra stagnant energy in your body. Thank You 🔥💯

[@Tearsofasilentheart]

You had the same problems as me.... And you explained it perfectly.

[@dabrenajohnson5142]

This has shifted my perspective a lot. Thank you

[@clairecognizant6615]

What did your mom tell you she was abused? Most deny they were abused or abused. My mom brags her childhood was better than mine.

[@mahoganyshanae6116]

They or lying thts why they treat us this way because we or doin better

[@nensysilvi]

My mother is the most amazing person I've ever met. Yet she's also the toughest person I've ever met to deal with

[@nicoler3219]

such an amazing lady, your courage is inspiring!

[@JadeMicheleGriffin]

Thank you so much for your story. It helped me.

[@saltywisdom]

I also did this with my mother. I highly recommend it.

[@FS02012]

Why is she still talking to her mother she should have cut ties these abusers get everything in life and she's not going to get any money in the will either the mom will leave everything to her son's and nothing to her poor girl

[@NothingWasted]

This showed up on my feed. Nope!! This is the opposite of helpful for some daughters that constantly had their toxic mothers attaching themselves to them and comparing them with them and constantly saying you will be like me. Seperateness is very important for Co Dependent Abusive relationships and getting the H outta there and figuring yourself out! I know ALL the reasons a certain person was the way they were with me, but now I need to heal and finally SAVE ME.

[@connollybrid1984]

I forgave my mom after she died.... and then my sisters steped up and replaced her. I've no more contnact with them. It's toxic. Walking away is the best option.

[@laszlosanthanyu]

Excellent! Moving! Inspiring!

[@yagmur4770]

why are y'all so mad that she forgave her mother and advised forgiveness? you don't have to forgive your mother if you don't want to, its her choice and it afffected her life in a good way. it may be will not affect your life in a good way but there's literally nothing to get mad at her for sharing her own forgiveness story. she's just talking about her story, not saying you all HAVE TO forgive to move on. pay attention to her words for god's sake.

[@agewithcourage7536]

We can forgive! Yes and agree that we should do that for ourselves...but we would never ever allow that person to hurt us any longer. We are not robots, you see. Cannot deny that..esp. if that person is our mother. If we allow another encounter with them, we are prone to being hurt and hurt again and again!! Not only us but our children and love ones. As long as they are capable, they continue to hurt other people who mean to us!!

[@hazel901009]

Wow thank you so much! I needed to hear this!

[@jessicraigaquaticsandexoti6664]

I can't forgive some things.

[@verabolton]

Forgiveness is not for the accuser - it's for the benefit of the victim. You do not need to carry the anger and hatred - these things consumes your energy and poisons your life. Forgive, for your own sake.

[@dougsegan]

This is a thought provoking and inspirational talk with universal appeal. Looking forward to future projects by this gifted speaker.

[@fruityeva]

My steps with healing the relationship with my dad: 1. Understand 2. Refraim. See him less as my dad and more as a sad person. 3. Forgive, set boundaries and love him from a distance.

[@heidiuridge1584]

Thank you! That talk really helps me

[@lighthouse7728]

Thank you, this was really helpful.