Parental alienation | Susan Shofer | TEDxResedaBlvd

[@Nichrome73]

NEVER start a talk on Parental Alienation with "tug-of-war"... It is not 2 parents fighting for child's attention, but one parent committing child abuse and the other desperately trying to stay relevant in child's life and give the child her inalienable right to have 2 loving parents care for the child... otherwise well conveyed the trauma & pain of parental alienation for the child.

[@susanshofer3619]

Rakesh, you are correct HOWEVER, to the child it feels like a tug-of-war and I want people to "feel" what the child feels. My experience in speaking with over 300 once alienated children, who are now adults, is that they felt pulled from both sides. We know that one parent is abusing the child and the other is trying to stay relevant in the child's life. The child feels very differently. Its very very sad.

[@only333]

@@susanshofer3619 True, with the context being the eyes of the child, it makes sense to call it "tug-of-war"

[@johnhollis921]

Oh shut up. It’s a metaphor

[@jamesgornall5731]

@almost gone horrible isn't it

[@martinbrousseau2560]

Held hostage for ransom of one’s often selfish vengeful emotions unto 2+ unsuspecting victims traumatized left injured and unsupported.

[@RandiFine]

Thank you Susan for telling this tragic story suffered by thousands of loving parents and innocent children, and bringing awareness to the parental alienation epidemic.

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

Randi, thank you for your confirmation of the tragedy of parental alienation. It is becoming an epidemic; one that is harming the health and well-being of our future generations.

[@Oakleaf700]

@@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096 I watched your vid, as my brother was stopped from seeing his two children. I sent him links to this. Thankfully, the Wife saw sense, and agreed to Mediation, and brother does see the children regularly. It is so utterly bad for children to be separated from a loving, non abusive parent.

[@Chief_Chill]

It is absolutely an epidemic. I agree.

[@brookemcphail7642]

My fiance' attempted suicide over the loss of his daughters. God spared him and fortunately, after 7 years, his daughters bravely found their way back to him. I want more than anything, for him to be able to share his story (which is still being written, by the way...). Thank you for your TED Talk. I hope there are more and more of them to promote awareness.

[@plenaryverbalist]

Too bad the mother didn’t try and succeed.

[@larrylorimer3065]

I was in that boat with attempt yet they kept me alive. 15 years later a son shows up to talk and he hates the world. With nothing I can do now or help. When I tried to make contact with the children years later the Police want to lay criminal harassment charges against their Dad. This son is not the child I knew years ago and has poison all through him. My other children are Depressed and mental illness in their lives.

[@claireryan8074]

Thanks for explaining the horrendous burden on the children of divorce. Lies are impossible to disprove and we can only love them from afar and pray for them.

[@susanshofer2114]

The warring parents always forget the lifelong burden they place on their children. Family law legal professionals and mental health providers are beginning to understand the true horrors of parental alienation and are slowly making progress in the recognition and diffusion of this unfortunate action perpetrated on unsuspecting children.

[@richardburton5706]

@@susanshofer2114 It only takes ONE parent to create a war. Family-law professionals and mental-health professionals too often fail to distinguish which is the renegade parent , and use the blanket terms "irreconcilable difficulties", and "implacably hostile COUPLE". That misunderstanding is pivotal, and ensures the ineffectiveness of family courts as a solution.

[@raccool2]

@@richardburton5706 100% 1 poisonous parent in a flawed legal system can set up a binary decision for the other parent. - Give up, and give them what they want. The result is they are alienated from their kids. - Fight it - and there is a good chance they will still lose and be alienated if the court won't come down on the alienation like an absolute ton of bricks. The only way it will ever end is if the court develops teeth. If it becomes "Try to alienate your kids, and YOU will lose your kids". The court must make sure the alienator pays the price. They would soon stop it if they were the one who bore the consequences.

[@albertmets283]

Well spoken! The ultimate victims are the children. Unfortunately, hate blinds the alienating parent, causing irreparable damage.

[@susanshofer2114]

You are absolutely correct --- The ultimate victims are the children. The pain is imprinted for life.

[@guillermomadrigal8382]

Me as a father going through this with my 15 y/o daughter and 13 y/o son and im bawling understanding what they are going through kills me....

[@beverlyanne5192]

I understand your pain..our son is in a similar situation..The children are teenagers and will not speak to their dad..heartbreaking

[@Chief_Chill]

I am at the beginning of this horrific journey with 1 & 2 year old daughters. And I wasn’t allowed to go my youngest 1st birthday party and missed her first steps

[@aimeeleano5199]

I am going through this right now with my children and though they are alive I feel like I’m mourning them. Even though they come over on what little visitation I have they act like robots and don’t want to interact with me, they don’t call me “mom” anymore. It’s heartbreaking. Their dad is constantly fighting me in the guise of a “good dad”. He has turned our children against me and I have lost everything during our 4 year divorce process because I was the higher earner and sacrificed spending more time with our kids because I worked farther. He controlled our relationship and now controls our children. My whole family is alienated and have not seen my kids for 3 years. It is devastating. The courts don’t care. There are too many cases and we are just a number and have 10 minutes in court. My ex cried in court because they were going to give me one overnight twice a month. He acts like I’m not safe for the kids to be around and I would feel bad when the kids cry they want to go back to their dad so I relinquish my time. Next thing I know he is taking them to fun places during my custody time. Even while we were living in the same house I wanted to read a story to them and he said no ask them who they want to read to them. Of course since he said this in front of them they told me they wanted their dad. Children have a right to love both parents equally and not make a decision.

[@susanshofer3619]

Aimee- My heart goes to you. What you have described is parental alienation. Many people who targeted feel as though they are mourning; mourning for the children they had even though they are still alive. What you ex has done to them is abusive. You are correct that children have he right to love both parents equally. However, alienators don't act in the best interest of their children. Instead, they weaponize them against the other parent. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

[@norrisrico]

I, I know you don't know me and every situation is relative to each of our Lives, I am dealing with a horrible case of parental Alienation. I have dealt with this for 5 years, I have joint physical legal custody. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Message me, whatever so we can help each other Protect our children, not demonize the other Parent. You don't want to win against her, you are fighting to save the kids relationship with you the Mother, I am a Father. I feel like I am dying and lost. . Is it not hopeless. Message me, anyone, to help get through this and protect the Truth, the relationship and Love owed to our children.

[@LilCraftyNook]

Boy that sounds painfully familiar! That’s how my grandkids are with my son! (It’s the moms fault for sure!) She just went on a written pity party that I’m sure her lawyer cooked up. 😒

[@russelhildrum8492]

I'm in the same situation. 😞

[@norrisrico]

@@russelhildrum8492 What can be done, I have joint custody, pay child support, and it just won't stop, I cannot afford power attorneys and it continues and continues and continues..

[@ThatDoesntWorkForMeBrother]

For over thirty years, I have carried unpleasant feelings towards my father who wasn’t in my life. I was and still am uncomfortable speaking to him on the phone and seeing him. I was also very distrustful and resentful to him. It wasn’t until three months ago, I had came to realize that my feelings towards him was due to my mother’s own actions. The earlier memories of seeing my mother hang up the phone on my father, slamming the door in his face whenever he drop me off, the arguments she would start with him in front of me and her badmouthing him and his family to me, all of those moments has never really left me and I took on the anger and distrust that my mother had for my father. Because of that, I missed out on getting to know my father and his side of the family.

[@FodorPupil]

Is there a way to move forward at this point?

[@ThatDoesntWorkForMeBrother]

@@FodorPupil Moving forward is not the problem for me, I’ll be all right. It’s all of the games, half-truths, lies, and the combination of both of my parents not putting their differences aside and that my mother had too much anger and pride to meet my father halfway is what I’m resentful about.

[@user-xz6xt3wy6w]

fix it brother. fix it and say you are sorry.he is your father.

[@ThatDoesntWorkForMeBrother]

@@user-xz6xt3wy6w I’m working on it.

[@susanshofer3619]

RedPillJedi --- I know it feels uncomfortable for your to speak to him. Remember, you were a child when this happened. What happened was not your fault. Alienated parents "wait" for the phone call from their child. I believe he will love to hear from you. ~Susan

[@lastmohican8948]

I’m going through this exactly. I’m scared about my little girl and sad that she’ll never be the same

[@ramboexcess4469]

Im sad to hear that. Prayer helps me and the advice i got was "never give up on your children". Try to prove it and tell someone and speak to people that care about you and hopefully someone can speak to the other parent to show them what damage its doing to everyone

[@vanillatwilightstar]

The sparkle in my daughters eye is gone, they’ve dulled her shine because she’s a spittin image of me. She’s not who I raised and I just pray for her.

[@susanshofer3619]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your little girl will never be the same. Your ex has CHOSEN to do this to your child. You did not. Please never give up on your daughter. Time "can" heal wounds and the two of you can be together. You relationship will be different but, it can be good. ~Susan

[@heatherann4390]

The father "looks older than his years", because the mother has been killing him and aging him.

[@susanshofer3619]

Heather Ann -- You are so correct which is why I used those words. Parental alienation slowly erode at anyone's soul and spirit. ~Susan

[@RCraft-wf6yi]

Happens to a lot of men unfortunately. It's a lot of women who have not taken accountability for "this look" they give to men because of their actions with situations like this. It's a hard thing to describe in words. Smh 💯

[@LilCraftyNook]

This is exactly what my son is going through only he doesn’t get ANY time!? He got two weeks for Christmas 2021 but that’s been it.

[@theastutehustler6712]

Im going through this now. I have developed severe heart failure because of my marriage... my heart is getting better now that my wife left and took my son. Less stress from not arguing everyday. But it breaks everytime i look at my son's picture. He's 3 and the light of my life! I was the first face he saw when he opened his eyes for the first time. Some people can be so cruel...

[@RCraft-wf6yi]

@@theastutehustler6712 keep your head up brother. Trust the process.

[@deananderson7877]

It’s been 3 yrs since I’ve seen my daughter. She is 19 and we are strangers. It breaks my heart

[@theoneguywalk6100]

Sorry to hear that brother. I am with you, I can’t even see my daughter. So disappointing

[@rickiedeesnutz7318]

I'm right there with you Dean.

[@rosenrad1]

Over 10 years that i have not seen my daughter

[@ALL4TRUTHANDFREEDOM]

Hugs

[@mehmetakif5842]

😪

[@michellerenee5028]

My daughters dad and the stepmother did this too me. My own mother helped out too. My daughter is now 33 years old and blames me for all of this. She tells me I just want to live in the past, that is not true. For her to challenge her belief system is not something she wants to do, it does take courage but she would prefer to hang on to what she has been told.

[@susanshofer3619]

Hi Miss Molly. Parental alienation is even more challenging when the alienator has a posse, which they almost always do. I have had many people tell me that their own family members were part of the alienator's smear campaign. Your daughters knows what has happened but it is too painful for her to actually articulate it AND to know she was part of denigrating her own mother. Please remember -- Although she is 33, she was "brainwashed" at a younger age. She is the real victim. Keep her close and talk about things unrelated. She will talk if and when she is ready. Sending love to you. -- Susan

[@heidiwilhite8011]

My husband went through the same thing. His own mother helped his ex-wives turn his kids against him. I told his mother to just tell those children the truth. She would rather us stay away - including the child I have (her grandchild). So the abuse ensue. My child does not get a set of grandparents or siblings.

[@breathoflifeacres939]

Been there. Mothers aren't recognized so much as being alienated but they are.

[@lisasalamone-talton3552]

I’m going thru this now is horrible

[@michellerenee5028]

@@lisasalamone-talton3552 I am sad to hear this is happening to you dear Lisa. Even from afar and from a total stranger, I completely get you on this. I wish we could talk. I have never expressed myself to anyone. Wishing you well. Michelle

[@roryboyer]

Wow. Just wow. If I met with you and you told me this story, I would believe you are the worlds best psychic. Thank you for doing what you do. My courts did understand PA and I was awarded full custody. Unfortunately, mom did absolutely zero to follow through with any of the orders, which included reunification therapy, therapy for herself and so much more. I even agreed to pay for it all. It has been over 2 years since I have seen my daughter, law enforcement is slow and the courts do not enforce anything. I always thought everyone would “jump” to find a missing child… I don’t know.. my heart is broken for my daughter to be in a situation of living life on the run. No child deserves this pain.

[@EW-uw7dg]

Same, shocking. Despite the UCCJEA also they courts do nothing at all.

[@simpinainteasy680]

Not if your a man/ father.

[@Distinctions]

I fear the same for mine

[@jasonjohnston1769]

My mother did a very similar thing to me. Abducted me across the nation and the police, Sheriff, and courts did nothing to help. I found him when I saw through it. My ex has now alienated 2 of my 3 kids from me and my entire family. I'm shocked at the ineptitude of the courts and officers. These kids are being manipulated, brainwashed, and psychologically abused. Yet no professionals take action.

[@blythe4567]

As a therapeutic supervised visitation monitor, I have seen the painful truth that she speaks about.

[@TheBenBenitaShow]

How do you help people cope?

[@blythe4567]

I validate their feelings and write reports/testify on behalf of the child and the harm that is being done. That’s all I can do. These are the hardest, most devastating, cases.

[@susanshofer3619]

Blythe, I am sure you do see this happen to families. Thank you for doing the work that you do to assure that children are engaged with their parents.

[@blythe4567]

@@susanshofer3619 thank you for saying that. My friend and I started a nonprofit 6.5 years ago providing therapeutic and standard supervised visitation services. Obviously not all cases involve parental alienation (thank god), but the ones that do are always mentally and emotionally taxing. It seems that there is still not enough information out there on this topic, so THANK YOU for sharing!

[@jasonjohnston1769]

What can be done? I see no help from any professionals in California. I'm just told that "Eventually they will come to appreciate you." "It's a phase of teenagers." "It's better if you don't try and give space." Nothing is being done to stop this psychological abuse. Please help! My kids are crumbling psychologically, socially, academically, and beyond. They have cut out my entire family and changed their last names to their moms family. While it's a small thing, it shows the contempt towards everything about me and the placement of their moms family on a pedestal. I know that they are hurting, and I want to help.

[@amiralizadeh499]

This is like someone is telling my exact story and what is happening to my daughter and me. I am determined to fight, but more fight brings more bitterness and hostility from my ex to me and harder time for my daughter. But I do not want to live rest of my life thinking every day that why I did not fight for my daughter.

[@MartenHall]

I'm sad to hear this and as an alienated father myself I feel your pain. In my situation the toxicity got too much for me and I don't see my son and daughter anymore. I chose to step away but I haven't given up on having a relationship with them again in the future.

[@susanshofer3619]

Amir -- Your ex has chosen to do what she has done. You should not believe that your fight harms your daughter. Your ex will always be hostile and bitter. Fighting for your daughter is love and commitment. How your ex responds is her issue. Don't let it be yours. ~Susan

[@age93]

@@susanshofer3619"fighting" to stop the alienating can and does harm the child. It increases the tactics, the secrets, the risks. The parent uses the kid as a pawn to hurt you. If their brainwashing doesn't work, they'll just do something else. What's the ultimate more devastating way a parent could use their child to hurt the other? The system makes these situations impossible to stop.

[@jayweaver4394]

This was so hard for me to watch… I am living it right now.

[@susanshofer3619]

Jay -- I am so sorry you are living this nightmare. Please don't give up on your children. Remember, it is the bad actions of your ex and not the child's fault. The children are victimized too. ~Susan

[@EW-uw7dg]

Same Jay, I have a relative going thru it. It's really hard.

[@darthrhodes]

I hope and pray my daughter watches this one day and knows her Father will always be there for her.

[@susanshofer3619]

Mike --- Letting your daughter know you are always there for her is you way of letting her know. I wish you comfort in knowing that the fight is never over. ~Susan

[@desireeduffy5611]

An important topic that needs to be amplified. Thank you, Susan for this wonderful and important talk.

[@susanshofer2114]

Thanks Desiree, It IS a topic that needs to be amplified. Thanks so much for the platform. The word need to be spread.

[@jamesroberts325]

My baby mother is doing this with my 3 year old. MY 3 YEAR OLD all of a sudden doesnt want to spend time with daddy. Im bawling watching this video. Knowing theres not a damn thing I can do

[@susanshofer3619]

James, there is a lot you can do. If you have shared custody, your child has the right to see you. Even if you don't have a custody arrangement, you can file with the courts to have time with your child. Your three year old does not have the decision making power to chose whether or not to be with you. Please take the actions to keep you and your baby in each other's lives.

[@RicardoCray]

Take her to court if you’re paying child support and if you’re not on child support put yourself on child support it’s not 2 late keeping fighting these ppl are devils

[@meemzteam5304]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I hope you have made some progress tipping the scales in your favor. I am going through the exact same thing with my 3-year-old, I'm absolutely crushed but will never give up.

[@JameSSpeedCo]

I’m sorry for ur pain, brother…these ppl should all go right to h*ll

[@hiddendragon1001]

@@RicardoCray why would you put yourself on child support? You basically involving the government in your business. Sue for full custody man

[@candicebadie3463]

This is my life. I don’t get to see my 16 year old son now. He hates me. We had a great relationship, did everything together. There is no reason for this. So much he calls me names and cusses me out. He believes I abused him and that I need to grow up, he believes I am the narcissist. I have created a photo album of many activities and places we have been together. So many wonderful memories so I will always remember our bond before all this happened.

[@susanshofer3619]

Candice, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. No child wants to hate and "cuss" out his mother. Please keep your memories and love your son. Even in your darkest hours, try and remember that he is the ultimate victim in this crime. With warmest -- Susan

[@Play-jv3oi]

This is my life i am a man, with my 9 year old girl

[@mandyeaves5116]

I am experiencing this now. It's devastating. My youngest is 12

[@Play-jv3oi]

@@mandyeaves5116 it is the father alianating your youngrs? In this case is the mother of my child

[@fakegucci2]

I’m in my 20s now. One of my parents alienated the other. Don’t worry it’ll get better over time, eventually I came to the realization of what was happening. My best advice to you is to just continue being a good parent and don’t get caught up in the tug of war because it will only make you look worse in the child’s eyes. Be confident that your child will eventually figure it out on their own. I actually have a better relationship now with the parent who was alienated.

[@kristiekogutrodriguez496]

It works both ways....my ex husband has used my depression against me and made up an elaborate story , I haven’t seen my daughter in two years

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

Kristie, it does work both ways which is why I say in my talk that parental alienation is not gender specific. I am so sorry that your ex-husband has done this to your daughter and you. I hope that you and your precious daughter are able to reconnect and reunify. With warmest regards.

[@jenniferconnell7730]

My covert narcissistic ex I was married to for 14 years, has completely destroyed my relationship with my only son, who’s turning 17 this year, and who I practically raised myself. The pain is unbearable. I have no reason to live, and I’m struggling to function everyday, and everyday I’m away from him, I will never get back. 🤢💔

[@Gen_XGal]

@@jenniferconnell7730 you are my parental alienated twin. I was told by court ZERO contact for me when it comes to my son. I am not a mother to the Essex Probate court in Salem Massachusetts on August 18, 2021z Two years with zero contact already my son is 17. I do not believe I will ever see him again. For women in this situation we have minimal support in the community of PA. The same court has the authority to throw me in jail based on a father that confessed to domestic violence, if I dare to reach out to my son. Welcome to the age of the handmaids tale.

[@Orophile_303]

💔 my boyfriend's ex wife purposely poked and made terrible comments to him, physically hit him, and constantly looked for ways to start arguments to provoke him and she is currently bad mouthing him on social media. She found about me and our child and she cut off complete communication with his entire family. He hasn't seen his children in almost 2 years and missed his younger sons milestones.

[@gomezzforever5469]

There were blind detestable remarks formed about me, by a(n) individual (s) who did not find a way to get to know me, at all. At a point, or points in time. I reached out, and nothing came about it. I get it, Kristie. I am here with you!

[@vanillatwilightstar]

I moved to another state with my daughter when she was 10months to leave our abuser. He was not apart of her life prior to moving and wanted nothing to do with her. 4 years later decided he wanted to be in her life. After a suicide attempt on my end he took her to California while I was in the psych ward. He filed for full custody claiming that I’m abusive to our daughter and that I’m mentally unstable he was granted temporary custody until custody is decided. He only lets me talk to her on weekends if they aren’t busy. She been there for 9 months and I’ve talked to her for maybe 9 hours in total. I never kept her from him but I was terrified that he was going to do what he’s done to me to her. And he tells me that this is just payback for leaving. I never talked about him to her or bad about him. When I’m able to talk to my daughter I just tell her that I love her and I miss her and that I’m never going anywhere. When I went down for her birthday she broke down and said that she wanted to come home with me but there’s nothing I can do right now and I just feel like I failed her. Part of me is missing and I feel so lost💔

[@susanshofer3619]

Katelyn -- I am so sorry to learn of your sorry. I cannot comment properly without knowing more about your situation. It is not unusual for a non-committed parent (one who left or abandoned) to suddenly reappear and want their child. There are so many reasons for that beyond the scope of my comment here. What I can say is to be there for your daughter so she knows that you have not abandoned her. It sounds like, from what she has said to you, that she knows what is going on -- as best as a child can. ~Susan

[@EW-uw7dg]

Did you have a lawyer? If you're a victim of domestic violence there should be a number to call, they have advocacy, counseling, other services. You could also ask the court to order forensic mental health exam to show that you are not mentally unstable. These people can walk into court and make allegations and don't even have to provide proof of their allegations.

[@The_Living_Room_Tapes]

My parents told me they were divorcing at the start of my 3rd grade. I told them I wanted to stay with my father and not move 600 miles away with my mother. My mother then used my 3rd grade teacher to try and alienate me from my father. The teacher told me "you have to change the way you are going". Later it developed into daily abuse. The teacher would single me out every day for something bad, like my handwriting, and I would go home sad and would sit with my mother for 5-10 mintues and tell her the bad things the teacher had done to me. The worst incident was when the teacher told the class that my father was planning to move to the adjoining town of Poland. She said, "they think they are better than us in Poland". I felt the whole class looking at me. Two years later my parents were divorced and I did move 600 miles away with my my mother and she used the same phrase almost everyday "they think they are better than us in Ohio". My mother went on to not let my father have visitation for 1.5 years and two siblings with severe physc disorders, so this condition can be very bad on the kids if left unchecked.

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

Ken -- What an awful story. I am sorry that you had to suffer through it. Your history demonstrates the damage that PA causes children; not just in the moment. The emotional pain and distress is a lifetime sentence. My prayers are with you and I hope you have found some resolve and healing. You can live your best life in spite of your experience.

[@jamesmayo3827]

Thank you for your honesty telling women to quit shitcanning father's. till they get it. I have lost my children and a daughter I have not seen now in 20 years. I attempted suicide over this. It's criminal what happened and know one cared but me. You are telling it just as it was and is still I've never healed. Thank you for being a woman and being honest for a change. To late for me and my daughter I've never seen again. But she is in my prayers every day.

[@susanshofer2114]

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. Parental Alienation is truly horrifying. Your experience speaks to the heinous crime that is Parental Alienation and how deep are the scars. Please keep your daughter in your prayers. While you may not be aware, she is hurt too.

[@estephaniey123]

I'm a mother and my ex is doing that to my boys. It goes both ways ... like she says it's not gender specific.

[@susanshofer3619]

Hi James. No parent, man or woman, should keep their children from the other parent. I am so sorry this has happened to you. As much as this hurts you, the children are the ones who are hurt the most. Have you tried to reach out to your daughter? There are ways to attempt connecting with alienated children. Susan

[@larrylorimer3065]

Fifteen years later and I still have to cry every time I think about my children. The Courts sold every thing I had to pay the Court costs putting me on the streets. My Mother's WILL was taken away to pay to be in the Courtroom. My children can't work or keep a job as Depression and Mental Illness has set in. Alienation is never ending as the children must adapt to the new normal. Their Dad was never allowed to see the children again when Court started. The Court orders were so many and the cost to change was too high and the children wanted to be with the controller to get free money for themselves. The story will not have a happy ending. Susan is lucky to get away and see the light.

[@susanshofer2114]

Hi Larry. I was not alienated as a child. However, I work in the PA space. I am so sorry that you have experienced PA to such an extreme. Sadly, your story is very common. The children align with the alienator and the targeted parents loses everything as they try to stay in their childrens' lives. It is a lifelong curse that the alienator places on their children.

[@georgesontag2192]

The courts could care less about the children. If they did, they would not allow the women to do this 1) call her new boyfriend " father" 2) SAY THE KIDS are sick and cannot go on visitation- they are sick next month too. 3) give dad a few days a month visitation. Courts let mom alienate the father. Dad is always the abuser, mom is always the victim. I have not seen my kids in 25 years and probably never will.

[@susanshofer3619]

George --- The courts have changed dramatically in the past twenty five years and the custody does not automatically go to the mother any longer. I cannot speak to your specific situation. However, have you tried to reach out to your children?

[@rhysweaver7178]

The beach and flying kites every fish I caught she would say "that's a big one dad". My little girl is gone from my life and I from hers. I'm afraid only one victim in these situations are THE CHILDREN! ELIMINATE PARENTAL ALIENATION.

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

I am so sorry that you have lived this most heinous horrific experience. The children pay the biggest price. Parental Alienation must be eliminated and by getting this word out, from the perspective of the true victim who is the child, lets hope we move in the direction of eradicating it. It is my hope that you and your little girl reunite. There is always hope.

[@rhysweaver7178]

@@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096 Thank you for your kind words. I believe when we want something bad enough and if we have to fight to achieve it we must, especially in these cases cause it's for the children. Reunification is important to me but so is making sure I fought the good fight. Keep up the good work.

[@TheBenBenitaShow]

@@rhysweaver7178 If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing to "fight the good fight"? Any tips/tricks/thoughts are GREATLY appreciated! I'm being alienated and it's horrible.

[@rhysweaver7178]

@@TheBenBenitaShow Not at all. It's all up hill so the key is never give up. Get the ex to undergo a full psychological assessment that includes personality. Ask the court if your self representing to order it or get your lawyer to ask. Usually people who alienate children are abusive physically and psychologically so make a list of all behaviors they displayed toward you and toward the child or children when you were together no matter how insignificant you think they were and give it to your lawyer. Try to see a psychologist enough times that he or she can provide a report to the court that you are far from what the other party makes you out to be. Remember to focus on the child and realize that the courts look to who can meet satisfy and exceed the best interest of the child factors. Good luck from the bottom of my heart.

[@longgone4741]

@Ben Benita, I have found in most of these cases it's best to get a criminal attorney to represent you in your court case, instead of a family attorney. I've seen so many courts use Crimnal Judges to decide cases with children instead of Family Court Judges. Try to always research the Biograh of the presiding Judge, also all Attorneys involved. You can do the research yourself.

[@faizashireen5]

I’m the targeted parent and it’s so painful to watch my kids get away from me and hatred into their eyes. Even though I taught them how to walk, write and other life skills. My husband constantly brainwashed my kids against me while living in the marriage.

[@susanshofer2114]

Faiza - Often the alienation begins before the divorce. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. What your husband is doing to the children is abusive and hurts their self-esteem. I pray that they find their way back to their loving mother. The children deserve you!

[@mandyeaves5116]

Me too. It began long before the seperation. I feared leaving because I had a strong feeling he would be very difficult. Post seperation abuse and parental alienation are new terms to me but I am living it.

[@bytashleyable]

I actually grew up with this and feeling exactly what you have said. Now my children are suffering by the father and his spouse.

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

Ashley, so many children have grown up alienated from one of their parents. We can talk about the parents all we want. The true victims are the children, as you have experienced. I am sorry for your experience and that your children are now suffering. It's not their fault.

[@vanillatwilightstar]

Same here. I never wanted to subject my child to this. I’ve only talked to my daughter for a total of 9 hours for the past 9 months. He’s had her since March but they’re always busy and I’m only allowed to talk to her on weekends because that’s when they are free. I’m lucky if I get to talk to her 2days that weekend sometimes it’s 2 weeks or longer before I talk to her. I feel so broken

[@cassius573]

Terrific way to convey a subject through storytelling. I salute you, Susan. Your words are charged with empathy and compassion for the victims of this silent crime and the trail of disaster it leaves in its wake.

[@susanshofer3619]

Thanks Cassius. This is a a terrible crime that leaves a trail of disaster for those who are impacted by it.

[@rodneyfarmer6712]

The first minute brought an immediate tear to my eye l, recalling 30 years later how every bit of this felt. I will caution this for anyone reading... a parent will today utilize social media in order to create this image of being this best or perfect parent(multiple videos, pictures, posts, etc ) while minimizing or perhaps even erasing any presence of the other parent's involvement in the child's life. As a father to a four-year-old daughter, i feel deeply for the alienated father spoken about in this TedTalk. No father, mother, or child should ever have to endure parental alienation. I just ask that everyone not miss the forest for the trees...just because one parent may post less frequently on social media (or perhaps not at all) does not indicate that parent has any less of a meaningful relationship with the child and presence in his/her life.

[@susanshofer2114]

Thank you for watching my talk. I am glad it resinated with you. Social media postings have nothing to do with a parent's ability to be a fabulous mother or father to their child. What did people do for millennia before social media. Usually, it is the narcissistic parent who does all the posting to "appear" as the better parent. In fact, being a parent does not require social media posting at all. Being present and loving your child is what matters. ~Susan

[@erikkuykendall8471]

I had to keep stopping this video because someone put words to the experience. My poor little girl. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@susanshofer2114]

Thank you for watching my talk. As awful as this experience is, I am glad that my talk was validating for you. Yes, your poor little girl. The loss is great for you and even greater for her. Please don't give up. With intervention, parents and children can reunite. ~Susan

[@AssieChi69]

This is so releifing for me, aswell horrifying: I recocnize, to begin, my own situation when i was a child, with my mom, who putted this burden to carry on me. In time i finally have forgiven her. At the time i was an 'only-parent' child, there was no such thing as information on this kind of topics, so it didn't even had 'a name'. I was too young at that time to decide for myself, wether or not i could meet my dad. So, years went by, and when i was eleven years old, one day my mom brought me the message, that 'my father had passed away', adding to this pronouncement that 'he probably drank himself to death'. And no: we did not went to his funeral: instead of that she got some of his belongings from the executioner, and it wasn't that much because he had depts... 😔 And also, i carried this burden along with me, as for my mom also had become bittered and struggled through her life, losing her trust and faith in men, fighting 'her battle' outward against the world and people around her. Within me, deep on the inside, i felt from childbeing that also my father must have had some good in him, not only bad. Which was the same as how i saw it, with my mom, and i kept myself standing strong in some way, convincing myself that however the "one-way-bad-news" she fed me, my father must have had something of a good side in him, and that i came into this world through both of them... once loving eachother enough, to bring me on as this living proof of that! ❤️‍🔥 It kept myself standing, al along and here i am, writing and speaking throughout and very openly about it. This embeds the story that i write below here. About 2,5 years ago I met a father who, as a parent, is in the same situation, and is therefore estranged from his children by the mother. It is under the supervision of child welfare, where the mother is believed in her 'victimhood', and both children suffer as a result. ! Beholding the fact, i did got to know the mother/ex quite a bit, upfront of this event. I was a witness of how this started, and i reported it to 'Safe@Home'; an organization that forwards reports to child protection and youth care. In the end, these authorities did NOTHING with my report: it is all 'swept under rug'. I even tried to report these abuse to the police, but they did not took any action on it, saying it was 'ex-partner-fight' and it has to be settled in court. We are now 2 years along, and he and his oldest kid still are dealing with this, all under the eyes of childcare and mother keeping on holding up her - and her childrens! - so called 'victim-hood', and they keep on believing her. She even holds control over who of their related family their children can or cannot see... including a grandmother, who is in a terminal stage of having cancer. I still am supporting the father and child in his story. And it's beyond my belief, how this can coninue, and even childcare-professionals here in the Netherlands seem to stand powerless against the "PAS" - parent?! How can this even be possible ?! I really ask myself if they even are aware of the existense of this syndrome? The judge in court has to put an end to this suffering and abuse: this child(-ren) and father, and their bond, which was very strong at first, will going to be devestaded when this goes on like this! It is now, an. 2024 but like we're reliving medieval again!

[@susanshofer2114]

Thank you for taking the time to share this story with me and others on this thread. As a once alienated child, you can share with others how horrendous this crime is against children can be. Alienation is terrible for the targeted parent but the child is the true victim as you can attest to based on your experience. That you so much for your thoughtful reply.

[@AlforceZero]

Thank you for explaining parental alienation so effectively. This is indeed an impactful talk.

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

Thank you for watching.!

[@johnnyfreedom4117]

After I wipe my tears, I will thank you. If we are being honest with ourselves, it is far and away the children and the father that are the victims.

[@susanshofer2114]

Thanks for watching. The targeted parent, whether male or female, along with the children are the true victims.

[@rpuga5782]

Thought it was very well done and I really appreciated the insight you provided. Thanks for sharing your professional research with me and the public. I'm sure that it will and has benefited many!

[@susanshofer2114]

Thanks for your comment. I hope my story resonates with people whose families have been ravaged by parental alienation and the professionals who can make a difference do so.

[@weknowcomputertech]

Mothers/Fathers both human beings who deserve dignity

[@weknowcomputertech]

Crimes against women and children are often not prosecuted

[@susanshofer2114]

@@weknowcomputertech The children have rights to love and be with both parents.

[@intrapsych1843]

She describes the parental alienation we experience perfectly. The (abusive) alienating parent grooms the child for that age (13) to seal the ultimate fate of complete osctricism; the courts and medical/mental health providers support the child decision to never see the other parent again.

[@EW-uw7dg]

That's not how Family Law works tho. At the very least the parent could have supervised visits, that's at the very least. These judges don't even make them prove their allegations against the other parent. You could loose custody for alienating and kidnapping the kids. Idk what's going on now with family court, law guardians.

[@EW-uw7dg]

Worse is when they kidnap the kids and they don't have legal custody then they file for child support.

[@susanshofer3619]

You are correct that the "groomer" sets the stage for the pivotal time of age13 when the child can seal their fate. The truth is that there are great attorneys who can intercept this "milestone" in the parental alienation playbook.

[@mrknoefro]

This is so sad and breaks me everytime I watch it, I miss my Daughters so much 😔

[@susanshofer3619]

Michael -- I am so sorry that you are dealing with PA. Do you have counsel to help you?

[@mrknoefro]

@@susanshofer3619 I live in rural Missouri and everybody acts like anything i say is discounted to me making something out of nothing, yet all her actions are always somehow justified. I was forced from home with little.

[@NShivadas2023]

This happened to me. I haven't seen my daughter for over 20 years because this was done. I tried to talk to her a few years ago and all she said was I hate you and your side of the family, never call me again. She recently graduated college. I miss her and she has been poisoned against me by her mother and grandparents.

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing parental alienation. As painful as it is for you, it is worse for your daughter. For her to say she hates you and your family, she has to be in pain. If she was not, she would not have such a visceral response to you. You could send her a graduation card and a gift as an olive branch. Let her know you are proud of her and would love to hear all about college and what she has planned for her career. You can never be wrong by reaching out. This is not her fault. It never was.

[@TheBenBenitaShow]

@@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096 You bring up a good point here, as hard as it is to not get frustrated with the kids, ALWAYS remember, they are simply a victim of the environment they are being raised in.

[@eeaa1812]

Wonderful speech and discussion. You were speaking of thoughtfully points. Every areas you emphasized were deeply true. Your words come from experience and rational conclusions. Unfortunately, the kids are the only victims in this custody war. A war that has no place in the kid’s life. All I can say is that the world is a better place because there are such an amazing people like you. Wish you all the best.

[@susanshofer2114]

Thank you for your kind words. You are correct that this war has no place in the kid's life. Sadly, this is the story for millions of children; none of them asked for this. It's very sad that there are parents who do this to their children.

[@bluaurora8635]

What a complicated mess I am in as a daughter of divorced parents that grew up with a dad and stepmom who’s mother alienated me against and who also seemed to neglect and abuse me and I have no idea what is real or not

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

Dawn, thank you so much for speaking up as someone who was a victim of alienation. The neglect, abuse and alienation changes one's perspective of reality. As the parents feel victorious is gaining the child on their side, they forget the long lasting negative effects this has on the child. I hope that you have reached out for someone to help you process what was never your fault. Love to you -- Susan

[@ashleybellerose7104]

The pain of what I am going through, oh my god. I literally dont know how im not dying. God I want to tell you my story. But can't. 😢 this is absolutely the most heartbreaking time of my life.

[@susanshofer2114]

I am so sorry you are living through this. I hope you have support and know a specialist in the area of parental alienation.

[@hasperpom3926]

I cry watching this I don’t see my boy in 17 moths already cause parental alienation this is killing 24 hrs I have so much to say but a lot of pain

[@susanshofer2114]

Hasper. Please get legal counsel for this. Your child has a right to see you!!

[@vanessaroberts5524]

You need to address third party doing alienation such as Foster parents, or custodial grandparents. This happens more than between the two parents.

[@susanshofer3619]

Hi Vanessa. You are correct. I said that in the talk when I commented that PA extends to grandparents, cousins, siblings, aunts and uncles and beyond. It (PA) is definitely a terrible assault on the extended family. Thank you for brining Foster parents to the mix. Susan

[@Kim-kw7fo]

Great talk. In 1975 my mother stopped my Dad seeing me and my sister. We were 6 and 10 months old. I am the oldest. We've never found him and men didn't have a leg to stand on back then. I was forbidden to even say the word "Dad". A few years ago, on her deathbed my mother said "he was a brilliant father". The hole is real and my relationships with men have all fallen apart. I'm over 50 now and I will never forgive what happened to me. I missed out on another family and the emotional side of the alienation is just too painful to put into words.

[@williamsummers6438]

There is a better way. Parental custody of children is actually a very simple matter to solve given the true desire of “What is best for the child”. We first need to separate and discard marriage from family law as they no longer seem to be connected. We must develop protocols that confer (over time) equal parental rights and responsibilities,…..once parentage is proven. Children’s natural maturation process has 3 essential stages of need. A.The unconditional love of the mother from birth until about 7 years of age. The mother to have “thefinalsay” and to receive child allowance. B.The conditional love of the father, who takes his children out into the world, gives security and teaches social boundaries from 7 until about 13 years of age. The father to have “thefinalsay” and to receive child allowance. C.The friendship and respect of peers from 13 until 18 years of age. The child to have “thefinalsay”. If these 3 stages are not gone through in order, maturation is unlikely to be satisfactorily achieved and mental resilience reduced. This has now become generational. Such a regime of equal parenting rights (over time) would bind parents into a co-operative relationship, because (over time) each will hold the power of “thefinalsay” sequentially when they are best favoured to use it. Such family protocols would be the default position, but could in exceptional cases be varied by the court. Buckminster Fuller said:- “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete”. To alleviate suffering is worthy. To prevent it is divine, but thankless.

[@susanshofer3619]

I believe that children need the consistency and love of both loving parents from birth throughout their lives. There is no definitive time line for the maturation process. ~Susan

[@williamsummers6438]

@@susanshofer3619 They are more likely to get it with my proposal for parental equality

[@jann9507]

Dear Susan, This talk is spot on and sadly the reality of divorce on our society. Family court needs this to prevail to break the family bonds and State Institutions to fund themselves via child support or alimony. Thanks for raising visibility on the issue.

[@susanshofer3619]

Hi Jan. Thank you for your comment. The best defense in the family court is to have a skilled attorney who believes parental alienation takes place and is able to successfully litigate it in court.

[@plenaryverbalist]

@@susanshofer3619 in Texas? I would fall over if that were the case. I don’t believe that. The courts here view men as profit centers. I genuinely would not care if North Korea used the AG’s office and every family court in Texas as nuclear test grounds.

[@gregbyrne6290]

I am an alienated father. My ex lied and said I abused our family for 10k charity funds. The company posted it online. Its been 5yrs now since I've been a part of their lives. A Legal call on Friday has me locked in anxiety and fear. No one has helped. The police dismissed my attempts to have my custody enforced. I have watched as 1 by 1 my four kids distance from me until they dissappear. It is like I have held on because of my case against Garanteed Rate Foundation to clear my name. I am now here for my kids who will probably never come around. So I am not sure there is meaning anymore. "If my existence causes my ex to abuse our kids; the I choose the kids". There is No Help

[@russellperry9902]

I feel that hard. I hope you keep trying. Never give up.

[@EW-uw7dg]

Maybe you need to ask the judge to recuse herself or himself or you can try to get a change of venue because you're not getting a fair and impartial trial. If you don't get a visit go to the court and file a violation yourself. I'm seeing someone go thru this. This is not how Family Court works. Idk what has happened with these judges allowing this.

[@TheRahsoft]

want to make a big difference in reducing PA? simple - tell your lawmakers to make custody automatically 50-50 and tell lobbyists like N.O.W. to get lost...

[@susanshofer3619]

Thank you for your insight. In the countries, where custody is automatically 50-50 no child support -- PA is at a low rate. You hit one of the nails on the head. Susan

[@PuReBlOoD3478]

I beg for death everyday over this issue. Every day is worse than the last. She had a friends mother that worked in the system destroy me. I'll never let this go. I love you kids no matter what they say.

[@susanshofer3619]

Always love your children (as I know you will). I am so sorry that you are dealing with parental alienation. As much as this hurts you, it is very painful for the children who are forced to reject a loving parent.

[@mtutuzelinyoka2599]

I have been alienated from my son and daughter for about 15 years. The last time I spent Christmas with them was in 2009. I've just about given up trying to have them love me or spend time with me. Ten years ago I bought a home with special wings for each. They hardly came. As alienated parents, is it right to share such videos with the children( now 25 and 27 years), or do we run the risk of further alienation?

[@susanshofer2114]

Your response resonated with me since I have two children the exact age as yours. I cannot give you advice on whether you should share this or other videos with your children without knowing more about you situation. If you see them if just for short times, you may not want to do anything to upset the situation. Just continue to love them as much as you can and convey that to them. I know you do!!

[@mtutuzelinyoka2599]

Thank you. I am 64 years old, i just flew 10 000 kms from Joburg to Madrid to see my daughter. She was no show. My daughter, once the apple of my eye, has become the embodiment of all that is mean and hearless. It's so painful to hope and repeatedly have the hopes dashed. I go back home with a broken heart and believing that reconciliation may not be possible. I just pray for my healing and that I can find some peace in the final years of my life. Thank you once again...

[@lpmowgs2425]

What about the mother being the targeted parent? Please include both parents equally in your lectures. It just feeds the narrative that the father is always the victim in PA cases. Women are so often blamed, but many end up as targeted parents. I am one of them.

[@susanshofer2114]

Please note that I said parental alienation is not gender specific. The alienator can be a mother or father. Yes, women ARE target parents. I have many as clients. Again, please go back and listen to my talk as I covered that. so that the viewers know that it runs about 50-50.

[@aarondashiell3488]

I’m going through this with my boys! I miss Sean and Christopher

[@timothychristian8730]

I miss my Emmy!

[@susanshofer3619]

Aaron. I believe Sean and Christopher miss you too. Children do miss their parents no matter what they may say to you. Always remember, the children are the victims of the behavior of the alienating parent. Let them know you love them and will always be there for them. ~Susan

[@susanshofer3619]

@@timothychristian8730 I am so sorry about Emmy. Always let her know you love her. That is something all children want to know (whether they admit to it or not). ~Susan

[@WellnessWagon]

On the topic of FAIRNESS… it is critically important to be THOROUGH… My ex has LifeLong, Documented Mental Illness… He had the Money and the Hate and Fear to acquire Primary Physical Care. I am the MOTHER who endured and lived through the Abuse. I am still doing that today. The Abuse continues… I was left for dead, while “DADDY” cries Wolf and is rewarded and protected for his brokenness and reign of terror. That is the ALIENATION that I walk with, daily. Every Story is Unique. A quick overview is the Detriment to the Children and all of Society. A deeper look at the details will always reveal TRUTH. Having my Child be taken from her Mother is the most HEINOUS OFFENSE I have endured… and I KNOW I am not alone.

[@EW-uw7dg]

It's inconceivable courts allow this. There's the UCCJEA. Family Court judges try to keep both parent's in the child/children's life I have never anything like what's going on now. These judges need to be held accountable. Law guardians as well.

[@susanshofer3619]

Sherri. You are correct that PA is the detriment of the children. If there is one factor that enables the the alienator to continue with their alienation, it is MONEY. The parent who is financially advantage can keep the alienation going as well as use monetary objects to lure the child to their side. No child should lose a loving parent. EVER

[@leivikarrickfetzer8322]

I wish that I could find and afford a lawyer that could help me and my three sons end this abuse we have been suffering.

[@susanshofer3619]

There are lawyers who specialize in parental alienation and can help you!!

[@brendanriuz2864]

More importantly, there needs to be a good, unbiased, judge in your case.

[@annevglisson1988]

This was one of the best Ted Talks I have seen. Thank you. I'm going to share this on Facebook... even through my awful co parenting experience with my son and his father that's lasted for years, I learned some great facts from this video so again - thank you.

[@susanshofer2114]

Hi Anne!! Thank you so much for the compliment on my talk. I am sorry that you had an awful coparenting experience with your son and his father. I am glad that my talk resonated with you and that you learned from it. You are very welcome. ~Susan

[@tericolby1310]

My kids dad did this to me and our 4 children Ive been alone, life destroyed.Childless, without grandkids.

[@susanshofer3619]

Teri - My heart aches for you. This is a consistent theme with alienated children and their parents. Your children's father has not idea how much they have hurt them in his mission to hurt you. I hope your child reach out to you. They should have their mother in their lives.

[@shanonking4336]

I've been through childhood alienation and abuse, my dad wasn't around much and then disappeared for year's. I would have been 7 at the time, when I lost my nan as well.... amongst other traumas over the year's and in later life, at 28 my brother took his own life, a close friend passed away the same year. It's left many huge scars and caused "mental health issues" anxiety, social phobia, one point agoraphobia, fear, depression, ptsd, psychosis. I was diagnosed bipolar over 20 years ago. I am 49 now. It's been a huge struggle....

[@susanshofer2114]

Hi Sharon, You have been through so much. Childhood alienation leaves terrible scars and often leads the way to other mental health issues. I hope you are in good healing space. Susan

[@vanduch6675]

Yes, it’s been happening for years and more emphasized the last couple years. My daughter is 12 and I find it harder and harder to have a relationship with her because now she refuses to come over and cut summer and winter breaks short.

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

This is exactly how it starts, very insidiously. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please keep in touch with her as much as you can, even if it is abbreviated. This will let her know that you love her and will always be there for her.

[@vanduch6675]

@@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096 Thank you for your kind words. I have been randomly texting and sending vids on IG but no replies. It's discouraging and for awhile I was sad but now I realize where I'm at I can't support her lifestyle except for her basic needs. I haven't been focusing on money since I lost a business some years ago and went down the path of health/wellness but it's come to my attention that it's important to her other family members.

[@TheBenBenitaShow]

@@vanduch6675 I'm WITH YOU 100%. Going through the EXACT same thing here. Less and less contact, then they don't want to come visit at all. "They're just being teens", "they'll come around eventually". Well BULLSH*T!!! Some of us don't want to "wait" and give up 5 years, 10 years of our kids lives. WHY DOES NO ONE GIVE A DAMN!???!?!? Why is this not more of a priority? There's a GREAT movie called "Erasing Family" you should check it, it's about this and how it affects the kids (grab tissues if you watch it)

[@unlikechristina]

Sadly, you face a double whammy, having your child manipulated, and having your child reach an age they seek more independence and time with their friends. Please try to consider that it can very well be that your child is exploring more independence. Plenty of parents still married mourn the loss of huge aspects of their relationship with their teens and tweens. I help many parents adapt their methods of staying connected. I am sorry you are dealing with any of this.

[@heatherwentz]

This hits so close to home not going into details. But this is a fight I have been fighting all my life. And all my child's life. It does harm the soul. I'm trying hard to break cycles and give my daughter a life of peace but it's not easy of after years of this being done to my daughter by her father and step mother. I was so alone in the fight and I just gave up because I knew I would never win. Still trying to get this dark cloud to go away. But I fear my daughter will never understand the truth. And I don't want to harm her by talking to her but I see it effecting her life and I feel it's time to let the cat out if the bag so she can heal. But I shouldn't have waited so long. But she's about to be 24. And I just figured everything out at 47. After reading a lot about Narcissistism I figured out what had went on. But I never talked bad about them until recently. Because I figured out all that they were doing to her for a long time. She wants apologies for things but she won't bring up the subjects. So I thought it best and it's time to explain it. I guess if she don't want the truth then she's not ready to heal. I wish I fully understood it when she was young. Thank you for posting this video. I shared it because I know many this has happened to. And this needs to be an awareness of this. I believe this also happened to me as a child along with many other things. But my daughter and I both have lots of inherited trauma from both sides of our family's. Now my daughter and I need to heal.

[@susanshofer2114]

Hi Heather. Please never give up. As bad as this is for you, this is a terrible thing to have had happened to your child. Parental alienation is not only domestic violence, ti is also child abuse. ~Susan

[@warrenfielding5355]

Wonderfull thank you.I sent it to her mom hoping she will let me see my 4 yr old daughter.Have not seen her in 2 months.

[@susanshofer3619]

Hi Warren. I am sorry you are experiencing Parental Alienation. I hope you have seen your four year old daughter after sharing this TEDx talk with the child's mother.

[@vijaykinger5174]

I have not seen my daughter since last 6 months.She is also 7 yrs old.I was not allowed to be with her on her birthday this year.I haven't even heard her voice.I miss her voice calling me Papa. Evry moment of my life without her feels more painful than death.

[@susanshofer2114]

Vijay - Why is you daughter not allowed to see you? If you have a custody arrangement you may go to court and have it enforced.

[@jimreti]

Perfectly worded. This is my life.

[@AirWaterLandLimited]

Agreed. It’s an illness but is totally not addressed by family courts

[@susanshofer3619]

Hi Hem -- I am so sorry that this talk is the story of your life. It is the story of millions of children and their families. My prayers go out to you. Please don't ever give up on your children. ~Susan

[@unlikechristina]

I have often seen a judge, well aware there is parental alienation, still leave the child with the alienating parent versus removing them. I can see this is frustrating, but many factors are measured in making these decisions. A judge will weigh whether the child has supports that will be lost if uprooted, like extended family, friends, the school, baseball teams etc...and while the alienated parent is outraged, pointing out their child can make new friends, find a new sports team, can start a new school, they are not considering the pressure on the child , already overwhelmed by the divorce, having to tackle all of the changes. Parents will oftenfocus on their rights, what they deserve, and I get all of that, but the day the courts are dragged into the lives of all concerned, their wants matter far less. I believe making a standard of 50/50 from day one takes alot of power from an alienating parent. I get that 50/50 can't always work for some, but they should not be what determines whether 50/50 exists. Having worked with families destroyed by alienation, I have seen how vital it is that the family court system and ANY person working on a case that decides the welfare of a child, should be educated in parental alienation. Vast numbers of jobs require employees to upgrade education, and yet the family courts have dozens of types of staff involved in the lives of these families. I have watched a manipulative parent befriend the court representative of the child, the GAL, and seen that person ignore the other parent, making one sided decisions based on little more than the lies spewed by a hate filled ex. I am an outside party. I have watched over and over and interviewed alienated parents who never once met with or were interviewed by the GAL of their child. How is this acceptable? How can many of these GAL end up in their position. It requires little and gives the power to destroy children. It is hard not to see the world as tainted when you witness what some are fine doing just to get revenge.

[@susanshofer3619]

You have on spoken many of the scenarios that we see happen in the Parental Alienation space. You are spot-on in your commentary of the GAL and how they can be influenced by a manipulating parent. Rarely have I seen a custody evaluator , GAL/BIA and parenting coordinator who has not become biased with the alienator who is a narcissist and can be very persuasive. As you know, this alignment creates even more distress for the targeted parent. I have interviewed BIA/GAL, PC and custody evaluators who have zero clue on the manifestations observed in alienated children let alone much else about PA. Yet they are in a position to provide an assessment to a judge who will defer and often rule primarily on the report given by the GAL/BIA, custody evaluator or PC. It is frustrating to observe, time and time again, children placed in the hands of parents whose only objective is to destroy the relationship between the child and their other parent who is actually a wonderful loving parent. Susan

[@vampirevillage1579]

My father has parental alienation syndrome, no matter what I say, he has to drag her and all woman down into gold digging whores, hes so bitter and hes lied to himself for so many years, I just cant deal with it anymore

[@susanshofer3619]

I am so sorry. His references to women is awful. ~Susan

[@Mulberry2000]

The courts do not do their best they push the interests of the child which really means the interest of the mother. Most kids are not living with the father but the mother. One cannot tell the children what is going as it may be seen as slagging off the mother, one cannot tell the kids why one does not see them as it's again seen as slagging off the mother. The result is the mother is allowed to do as she pleases, she controls access, does not provide financial support for the children when the kids are with the father, this is despite her having a massively well-paid job. If the father cannot afford to feed the kids then the mother will demand the children go home early. Yet while the mother has custody of the children, the father is expected to provide financial support regardless of his income and the time of the children. Effectively the father has to pay the people who steal his children. The end result is the children lose respect for the father, become hostile to him, and cling to the mother and her family. Job is done as far as the mother is concerned, all done with the help of social services, school, and the family courts.

[@hopewilliams9473]

i’m balling my eyes out right now my parents recently went trough a divorce and i’m just now realizing my mother is abusing me. she is bipoler and has been an alcoholic since i was a child. i am not thirteen and i get in trouble if i even mention his name i miss my dad so much but i’m scared of my mom i’m not sure what to do she moved and won’t follow her court order i have been treating my dad so badly bc my mom has been manipulating i just feel really lost i want to live with my dad but i don’t know what to do

[@hopewilliams9473]

i am now thirteen*** but my mom has cut off all connection with him and i’m just rly rly scared

[@russellperry9902]

@@hopewilliams9473 you have the right to love you parents. You have the right to love your father. Don't resent yourself for your mom's actions.

[@susanshofer3619]

@@hopewilliams9473 Your words ring true of many children who are trapped with the wrong parent which is why I always tell targeted parents that the children are the victims and to never give up on them. Can you call your dad or any other family member? ~Susan

[@susanshofer3619]

@@russellperry9902 You are correct. Hope, this is not your fault. ~Susan

[@blakesykora8668]

Thank You!!! God I pray we can fix this for all children.

[@susanshofer2114]

I pray too!!! The children are ultimately the ones who suffer for life.

[@Mr_Damion_Scott]

only 28,690 views... when millions experience this. its crazy

[@susanshofer2114]

Israelite -- You are correct. People are afraid of it and don't want to take about it. Targeted parents are very careful not to share because they are often met with questions about how they may have contributed to the alienation. With parental alienation, the targeted parent is 100% innocent. ~Susan

[@John-ym7jn]

This is devastating. My ex is currently engaged in parental alienation. She has encouraged our 10yr old to call me by first name, discusses lawyers and court with him telling him he’s on the winning side… has been gatekeeping reducing my time to day visits with no over nights. He no longer hugs me or wants to see me. It has destroyed my life

[@susanshofer2114]

Hi John, Please get help with this via legal counsel. This sounds like classic parental alienation and it also sounds, from what you have written, as though your ex in in contempt of court by violating custody arrangements.

[@John-ym7jn]

@@susanshofer2114 thanks Susan. Yes I have a lawyer. Next court date is February for a settlement conference. If we don’t settle then a trial will take place. I am not giving up. I can’t understand why or how any parent could do this to their child. My son has now graduated to calling my dad by his first name! He has completely withdrawn from my side of the family. I’m heartbroken.

[@larrylorimer3065]

@@susanshofer2114 The child must dehumanize the other parent by orders from the Controller. They will never do contempt in Ontario from Lies as this brings in more money to the system. When I was removed the children never had that much money to their disposal in their life. It was PARTY time!

[@bugaboo2860]

Most of the time it’s a mother putting the kids against the father. Let’s be real.

[@intrepidationsensation4981]

Agree! I was that child one time and didn't get to know my father , and now hear I am doing everything I can just to see my daughter, my daughter cries for me and the mother has no empathy for her.

[@lisasalamone-talton3552]

My x is engaging in parental alienation brainwashing my child - the road is hard and I pray that God will prevail The truth

[@susanshofer2114]

I am sorry you are dealing with parental alienation. There are ways to circumvent around alienation with options now that there is awareness to this terrible crime against children. ~Susan

[@lifestylebyrachel]

It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve seen my 28 year old son. Things turned bad when I left his narcissistic step father who told him terrible lies about me. It was a very long manipulation that occurred over our 16 year relationship where my kid’s step father degraded and criticized my loving parenting style mixed with verbal abuse, violence and many scare tactics including many scary road rage incidents with 3 kids in the car and me fearing for our safety. After I left he went on a rampage to destroy my loving relationships, put me out of business and try to legally take my home. I was a widow when he came into our lives with 2 boys under 5 years old. I see now how he groomed me and fooled me with his charm. I pray one day my son sees the truth. I pray for karma. I pray for peace to all.

[@susanshofer2114]

Your story is absolutely heartbreaking. It is bad enough when a child's own parent is the alienator, it is even more tragic when a step parent is able to do so. Have you tried to reach out to your son? Does he live with his step father (your ex)? There are ways to try and communicate with an older child. Even at age 28, your son still needs you. ~Susan

[@suzannecutler1099]

Only Abusive Men Seem Sole Custody From Loving Mothers. Parental Alienation is Child Abuse.

[@susanshofercertifieddivorc4096]

You are correct that Parental Alienation IS child abuse. Whether it is men or women taking children from loveing parents, the ultimate person who pays the price IS the child.

[@b.boston8529]

Protective parenting is required whether the children reject the abuser or not.

[@pjedwards74]

My son would get soo fearful and emotionally exhausted before a weekend visitation that he would vomit before getting in the car. There was no way to prove or discuss it, and my son would face retaliation for talking about it. He feared his father, and since he was a toddler his father has methodically bad mouthed all the safe adults that provided a positive stability- further isolating him. He could never win his approval. His dad would talk about all his "faults" and then state how each was because I was a horrible parent. My son is now 13 and after a decade of this, his self esteem is nonexistent and he still dreads his dad's weekends. All I can do is help him navigate the confusing things being said about his closest loved ones that directly conflicts with his own experience. His dad's constant gaslighting has caused him to doubt his own perceptions and feelings. His dad harbors a seemingly endless supply of anger for me and has as of yet never eased up on unloading it on our son- despite the minimal direct contact he has with me.

[@susanshofer2114]

PJ -- Thanks for your comment. You describe what I see everyday in my work. Your son's father is hellbent on hurting you that he is unable to see (or care) about what this does to you son. These kids harbor this anger which tears at their soul as you described about your son's nonexistent self esteem. You are doing all you can do. Support your son as best you can. Hopefully, he is in the hands of a good therapist who understands coercive control and alienation.

[@plenaryverbalist]

They NEVER act in the best interest of the child. They act in the best interest of the budget of the state. Matching funds for child support enforcement, remuneration for “single moms” who don’t work and live off of Dad’s money and welfare…that’s what is driving this. Period. Family court is basically the DMV or a traffic court in a one stoplight town without a tax base.

[@susanshofer2114]

Samuel -- This is not always the case. I have seen many dads alienate the child(men) and the moms who work two and three jobs. ~Susan

[@piarabinson7384]

I have been threw this for 7 years. It's heart breaking

[@susanshofer2114]

I am very sorry you are going through alienation. I hope you have some communication with your children. If not, there are ways to reach out and ways to run interference. No child should be denied the love of a devoted parent. ~Susan

[@justinneilsonn2665]

I have 50/50 joint custody with my son's mother. He is 9 years old. I am at the point where I need to take the next leap of faith and go for for primary custody.

[@susanshofer2114]

I hope you have the resources to do so. Please keep us informed on your progress.

[@susancraigo8218]

My husband's sons, now adults. His one son won't even speak to him. His other son barely. Both great men now. They still live with Mom. A few years ago his eldest son invited him to his college graduation. His Mom made a huge scene about "why" is he here he doesn't deserve to see you graduate. He had nothing to do with raising you. Swore in front of our 11 year old. She made such a fuss that day, his son no longer responds to him. His younger son was going to come for the holidays until his Mom told him he needed to watch the "dog" because she had to go do something.

[@susanshofer3619]

Hi to another Susan!!! It must be so hard for you to watch this happen to your husband and his sons. I can tell that you are a loving supportive wife by the fact that you posted his gut wrenching story here. He is so fortunate to have you by his side. I wonder why these grown "me" still live withe the mom. Once they are out from under her grip, they may want to reunite with your husband. I am so glad that your husband attended his son's college graduation. How sad that she chose to make a scene on her son's special day. That is a memory he should never have but, it was more important for her to create drama with your husband than it was to celebrate her son's amazing achievement. I hope both of his son's come around and that he continues to reach out to them.

[@liamjenkins4323]

this video is life saving

[@susanshofer2114]

Liam, I am glad this video has helped you. I am more sorry that you are living parental alienation. My prayers are with you. ~Susan

[@HelenB-z1t]

This is heartbreaking. And we wonder why society is so screwed.

[@susanshofer3619]

It is very heartbreaking. Parental alienation fractures families and hurts precious children.

[@susanshofer3619]

There is no doubt that his damages and breaks the souls of the children involved.

[@dinad.2855]

Little girls and little boys are not at court witnessing these… And it’s not a tug of war, it’s one parent’s wrong doing!!!The fact that you are referring the mom the parent who alienated the child from the father , instead of saying one parent offended me very much because I am a mother whose daughter was alienated from me!!! instead of referring a mother and father , should refer as one parent and the other during the entire presentation!

[@susanshofer2114]

You are correct that it is not a tug of war but it feels that way to the child. Thank you for your suggestion to say one parent and the other. We considered that but is would have been confusing to the viewers. We made it simpler by staying mother and father.

[@josephbarlish3918]

i only wish i had 50% i am lucky to have 50 days a year, alienated and hurt for no other reason than leaving a cheating wife

[@susanshofer3619]

Joseph, I often say the fault of the targeted parent is that they breath. Your "cheating wife" (as you refer to her) has chosen to hurt you because you elected to refuse betrayal. That is not a crime and your child should never pay the price. Take those 50 days and make them amazing loving memories. Children cling to the most precious and under realized moments. ~Susan

[@Clintsessentials]

This is all so real, thank you.

[@susanshofer2114]

Hi Clinton. Sadly it is is. Thanks for watching. ~Susan

[@Clintsessentials]

@@susanshofer2114 YW

[@anneabbott1868]

One parent is trying to remain connected to the child while the other wants to win and hurt the other parent.

[@susanshofer2114]

You have summed it up!!! That is exactly what happens which is so unfair to the child. ~Susan

[@mehmetakif5842]

I am experiencing it right now. My children are beeing alienated by their mother, this breaks my heart :(

[@susanshofer2114]

I am sorry you are being alienated from your children. There are ways to intervene. I hope you have been able to find ways to communicate with your children. ~Susan

[@mehmetakif5842]

@@susanshofer2114 Thx Susan in between she moved and I care for my children whenever possible. It has become better. She could not maintain the "crazy father" narrative. My children are safe, and they know Dad is the person who takes actions and is available for them 7/24.

[@kbarak62]

I experienced this. And in my practice, I see many MOTHERS alienated from their children because the father has a more stable job, money and has created a narrative or even an implied narrative that the mother is worthless as a mother or a just a person who doesn't really care about them or makes them a priority. And the mother has no way to fight because the more it happens, the less attachment is created between child and mother, the more mother is viewed as defective or enemy, and the older the child gets, the less the mother has both ability and strength to fight. The child will suffer irreparable damage to their understanding of the nature of love. The child has been weaponized both during and after the divorce. This is the highest form of child abuse. It is illegal in certain countries like Israel but it is not yet classified as a crime here. There is no awareness by the court system or the players in the system of parental alienation or it's resultant effects. And the generational trauma will continue. My ex lost his mother to death at 3 years old and was not motherly nurtured. The nature of generational trauma is that he did the same thing to his child - made sure he didn't have a mother either. Both out of his own subconscious trauma and his vindictive anger and insecurity. It is tragic and unspeakably painful. To stand by and see your child slip away day by day, month by month, year by year; to not be included in major milestones purposely and because you no longer matter is the most painful experience I have ever endured. I understand why suicide statistics for parents living with this is so high. It is unconscionable but the list of offenses is so long, you can't even begin to explain to people the personal cost so you just stop - and sometimes give up. I pray that my son will wake up and see it. However, just like abused person syndrome - where people are physically, financially and emotionally abused, if they were taught from their own childhoods that abuse is love, then they themselves don't know what is happening until they are out of the relationships. When someone asks an abused person, "why didn't you leave?" It's like asking a blind person, why can't you see... My child and all parentally alienated children's survival depends on their relationship with the person they are living with and "love" is a powerful manipulative tool. I pray that my son will one day wake up to the truth of how he was used. I will love him with my soul till my dying day whether I am in his life or not.

[@user-xz6xt3wy6w]

80% of alienated parents are fathers.

[@kbarak62]

@@user-xz6xt3wy6w I understand.

[@susanshofer3619]

Hi Karen. Much of my practice consists of mothers who are alienated from their children by the ways of the angry father. The dad has more money, power and resources to coerce the children away from the most fundamental/primal relationship they will ever have. We know the pain that children have from the untimely death of a mother and the lifelong effects of that profound loss. As a society, we recognize it because the mother could not stop her death (unless it is suicide and that is another topic). The loss of a mother who walks the face of the earth and loves her children but the children reject her due to the vendetta of the father is horrendous. These children NEVER leave childhood unscathed. I have personally spoke to several hundred adults who were once alienated as children from a parent (many of them their mothers) and the impact of that loss is never good. The child is emboldened to the alienator and they know it but what can they do about it? The alienator is pretty intimidating. Its better to join the bully than to be the victim of the bully. I am so sorry you are going through this. Continue to love your son and remember that he is a victim. Susan

[@kbarak62]

Susan, thank you so much for that validation. It is very difficult to live each day knowing I was robbed of the only relationship that meant anything to me and that there will likely be no positive resolution to it. Bless you for your work.

[@kbarak62]

@@susanshofer3619 please let me know how to reach you. Perhaps we could schedule a conversation?

[@mindbodytribe2715]

So very well discribed. Amazing talk thank you.

[@susanshofer3619]

Thank you!! Susan

[@weknowcomputertech]

Winning a step-parent’s favor for a parent is also not discussed. The step parent’s alienations of affection are often ignored.

[@susanshofer2114]

Step parents (or bonus parents) are a part of my practice. It is not at all uncommon.

[@TheBenBenitaShow]

It's happening to me...what can we do about it??? It's horrible and NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE. Courts, Attorneys, even those close to me all say "....just wait it out. Your kids will come around". Well....SOME OF US DON'T WANT TO F*CKING WAIT!!! Why should we have to...it's ABSURD!!!! Maybe 2 years? Maybe 5 years? Maybe 10 years? If you have kids, how long would you "just wait" while your kids ignore you and don't want to see you b/c of what they are being told. Sorry for venting. Ms. Shofer..."thank you" for this.

[@Oakleaf700]

Ben, Don't give up. Your children need you. Don't let them slip away.

[@TheBenBenitaShow]

@@Oakleaf700 It's literally fighting a battle without any hope...I've looked...I've exhausted countless options...my ex for some reason gets to dictate literally EVERYTHING!!! Not sure why I'm here posting, but, to the guys (and ladies) going through this, there IS solace in continuing to fight. If you want to talk or "vent", let me know. If you are ever in the DC area, let me know. I literally couldn't live with myself if I gave up on my kids, even in spite of what is being done to them mentally and emotionally....Thank You for the encouragement OakLeaf700

[@Oakleaf700]

@@TheBenBenitaShow My Brother is going through it...It is so utterly cruel. Many years ago, a chap we knew {not married to his daughter's mother, so zero rights} was banned by the mother from seeing his daughter, at that time aged 3yrs. It broke his heart. Anyway...Years passed, and we lost contact. Then, Amazingly, I met one of his workmates, and I asked ''How is Mario?'' I mentioned his daughter...and the friend said ''Oh they are really close!.. The daughter when of an age, began to look for her dad.....and they have a really close relationship now. It was such a relief...The daughter must have known, somehow, that Mario was a good man.. Women can be very cold and calculating, and the kids are their ''Aces''. {I too am divorced, but never, ever stopped our son from seeing his dad. Good luck!

[@TheBenBenitaShow]

@@Oakleaf700 ...glad that story has a happy ending!!! That's the HARDEST part...literally everyone I talk to keeps saying "the kids will come around in a few years". While that IS comforting to think...what about those few years I have to "wait". It's soooooo f*cking hard...thoughts and prayers to all the parents out there being alienated...I 100% know the pain you feel.

[@TheBenBenitaShow]

@@Oakleaf700 Def not giving up, but, it's admittedly so so hard. What is your best piece of advice on actions to take? People say "don't give up", and I never will, but, what's the "move"? Write letters? I never head back? Try calling, they won't answer, only text. When I text them mom and her "lovely attorney" manipulate EVERYTHING I write. It feels so helpless....people like you and hear in the comments sympathize and "get it", they understand how it feels, but, how do you "cope"? How do you avoid the deep dark depression that so easily comes when thinking of the situation? When I say I try not to think of the kids and the situation it COMPLETELY feels like I've given up. When I DO think about it, again, feelings of depression and helplessness creep in. Glad to chat off here if you prefer, but, ANY tips or advice you give I'm sure would benefit others.

[@cadeandthewolf]

This is so hard to hear, yet necessary. Gut wrenching. Thank you.

[@susanshofer2114]

Thank you for watching. It is very gut wrenching and sad that one parent will do this to their child. ~Susan

[@clareeastgate2753]

This will continue generationally until the system catches up and the right people step in at crucial times.

[@susanshofer2114]

You are absolutely correct. When people reach out to me because they "think" they are being alienated, I always suggest that they step up to intervene with the "right people" (as you stated) in place. Prevention is critical. The system is very lax when it comes to alienation and often times will dismiss that it takes place. As the adults move the chairs around the deck, the children suffer. ~susan

[@ellebell9139]

I didn't think it would be, but the exercises in the e-guide were helpful.

[@susanshofer2114]

I am so glad to hear that. As terrible being alienated from your children is, there are ways to better understand how and why it happens so that you can address it with action and not reaction and keep yourself healthy during this horrendous experience. Always wishing you the best -- Susan

[@bonneymac38]

The courts aren't about what's best for the kids. It's all a game and the attorneys come out winning financially. It's a joke

[@susanshofer3619]

It seems that way doesn't it. Parental alienation is hard to present to the courts. It takes an excellent attorney who is well versed in PA who can present it to a judge effectively. I have seen talented attorneys defray PA for their clients because they know how to litigate a PA case. Sadly, most do not have a clue.

[@seamus9750]

My 20 year-old special needs son has been alienated against me and the mother continues to drag me to the courts looking for even more money . I'm now on my 9th legal representative at great cost to defend my case. She has caused his hospitalization at least 3x times that I know of and STILL she retains sole custody. The system is so F'd up!

[@susanshofer2114]

Seamus, I am sorry you are going through this. You believe you need expert counsel in PA. However, there are now issues since your child may have "aged" out. I am not an attorney but, I believe special needs children age out at different ages or not at all.

[@teamgoldsby4581]

Thank you!

[@susanshofer3619]

Thank you!!!

[@Genghis420Khan]

50/50 presumed custody is fair in these broken family cases. No power should be over either parent.

[@susanshofer2114]

This is true. One parent should not have power over the other parent unless under extreme circumstances. ~susan

[@vickimerritt2832]

the abuse of parent and child starts way before the divorce and is often the cause of the divorce. then the abuser gets a win as the abuse of both continues after the divorce.

[@susanshofer3619]

Parental alienation can begin before the divorce. Many times it happens after the divorce when the eyes of the lawyers and judges are no longer around. Either way, PA is awful and hurts children.

[@larrylorimer3065]

@@susanshofer3619 Yes I it happens before but I never could put a finger on it or figure out what was taking place.

[@serenacosmo9872]

This speaker is well-intentioned, though she describes parental alienation too simplistically. It’s not just about badmouthing. Alienators make the kids believe the targeted parent is unsafe or inadequate, which breaks the child’s attachment to that parent. Their badmouthing can also be very subtle, which leads the kids to believe that THEY are the ones badmouthing the parent and that the alienator is merely being supportive of their complaints. There’s so much about parental alienation that’s counter-intuitive. Simplistic explanations don’t help to understand this family dynamic as it needs to be if it is to be understood and addressed.

[@susanshofer2114]

Serena -- If you listen carefully you will recognize that my talk does go beyond just badmouthing. In the limited time of the talk, it is impossible to get into the complexities or the 17 ways an alienator alienates. However, in my talk, I mention the child does not remember stories she has been told of things that have happened --- because they have not happened. So it is not just badmouthing, it is changing the child's perspective about their history with the alienated parent. ~Susan

[@brederoux]

Divorce is the worst trauma one can endure

[@susanshofer2114]

Hi Rouxlene. Divorce does not have to be the worst trauma. High conflict divorce is and parental alienation is the worst part of all. ~Susan