The Mother-in-law phenomenon | Jessi kaur | TEDxChandigarh 2018 | Jessi Kaur | TEDxChandigarh

[@mariamansoor872]

So glad that this woman managed to win over her MIL. Unfortunately it's not that easy for everyone. I lived with mine for 25 years. The damage that she caused in my relationship with my husband can never be mended. I have PTSD from her actions. Some people can never be pleased no matter how hard you try.

[@corneliusoswald6139]

South asian culture has this problem from mother in law. Join family is bad for women except mother in law

[@NISA-zx7qk]

Veryyy true

[@shilpipani2949]

Exactly.. Some people could never be pleased.. Coz our pain is their pleasure

[@deyyspoint]

yea true

[@DJSETULEO]

true

[@ivettemeneses6552]

Kindness does not work with everyone specially toxic ones

[@Hiraether]

Thank you! Some people need therapy or more. This stuff only works on the mentally healthy. What do you do if you MiL is depressed and passive? I'd much rather have these others than to have to deal with a psychological issue. These people... Just wait for alzheimers and dimensia . Then come complain to me again. How do you love and respect a person who doesn't love themselves?

[@Luziemagick]

So true

[@aaoiap3247]

@@m.g.6575 oh..my god...our lives...indian women lives.. I wanted to write something negayive..but then they say dont say what u dont want to happen..

[@sharroon7574]

@@m.g.6575 yes I know that one

[@sharroon7574]

Yes, I was raised to make kindness the highest value, I finally realise my husbands family values being right.

[@nabeelahk1078]

I love this so much but unfortunately some people have big egos and they don’t want anything to do with you no matter how much you try 😭 I lived with them for 3 and a half years, I ate dinner with them every night, had breakfast every morning, I made sure to celebrate their birthdays and went on vacations with them - gave them my time, attention and tried so hard to get them to like me but they decided from the beginning I was an outsider and nothing but an accessory to their family. No matter what I did, they always treated me really badly and criticized me, humiliated me in front of guests and disrespected my family. I struggled with anxiety for years and had to see a psychologist. I moved out and see them only on special occasions. It repaired my relationship with my husband and my mental health improved a lot. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. Update (2021): Since moving out we’ve repaired our relationship with the in-laws and put down our boundaries. We’ve had our baby girl now and they get to see her once a week on our time. It does get better once you leave!

[@cooliocook6911]

Nabeelah K well done. To them you were a free skivvy. Someone to cook, clean, ferry them around and produce heirs, but with no human rights. It’s a cruel archaic mentality that holds no place in today’s society. 25 years on, my MIL still struggles to let go of her ideals. Tries to needle me into guilt for refusing to live with her, but I shrug it off, sometimes with a grin.

[@nabeelahk1078]

Ms Demeanour Sorry you had to go through that. You’re absolutely right and their so set in their ways sometimes there’s no hope trying to get them to change.

[@nabeelahk1078]

Melody Weigh Melody Weigh I didn’t realize what I was getting into - kinda got tricked into moving in with them and then trapped (guilt tripping, manipulation). Also it was a custom for the only son to live with the parents forever, was totally blindsided.

[@cooliocook6911]

Nabeelah K That was my Hindu mil’s trick/plan but I sensed it from the outset. My husband found it hard to let go. Each day that passed, the more bossier and entitled she became. She didn’t speak to me like she spoke to her real daughter, she spoke to me like a maid. After 5 weeks I had enough and used her rude and aggressive tone with me to start an argument: I packed and left and told my husband that he could follow me or stay with his parents. What ever he chose would absolutely be fine with me. I left that house ( to her petulant screams and drama) and never looked back. For the first few years, each week I visited, felt like torture. She left me alone and became less expectant once my sons were born. Now they are grown men 20 &22. I fully expect her to recommence her expectant, entitled behaviour but I’m even more ready for it. I’m an older woman and no one will change my strong spirit.

[@madhavidongre5062]

So true... Same situation with me

[@mamatran3828]

Thank you for sharing! I was difficult to live with my in laws as well. Particularly because not only am I expected to cook, clean and provide but to act a certain way, to be submissive, un-argumentative, quiet, dress a certain way, raise my baby the way they preferred. It is especially difficult because I consider myself an educated and compassionate person. They are kind humans but the expectations and every day lectures gave me anxiety, even heart attacks. Luckily my husband understood, defended me and we moved out but still visit them 3-4 times a week.

[@oldie-american]

You were lucky, you had a very supportive husband unlike most unfortunate women.

[@babitasinghsaini905]

Absolutely agree.A woman completely breaks down when she doesn't get her husband's support.

[@NEWERAHARMONICA6]

@@babitasinghsaini905 Yes very true.

[@MukeshAmbani_Mumbai]

men get it from all side.

[@sonalagrawal134]

Agreed, I have supportive husband that is why I am alive.... Not committed suicide. But they way inlaws behave anyone could loose mental health if husband doesn't support

[@MukeshAmbani_Mumbai]

@@sonalagrawal134 I am glad. I did loose mental balance because I was punished for not wanting to study and persue sport as career by my mother and sisters. It can be horrible and traumatic.

[@nirjahakim4694]

I love my daughter in law and she also Loves me, she respect me. I don't interfere in their matters I want to enjoy them on their own We r happy they are happy

[@AB-ce3nn]

Its good to see women supporting other women, thanks for being a decent mil to ur dil!

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

@@AB-ce3nn hopefully the dil is a decent dil to her mil as well

[@AB-ce3nn]

@@RituSingh-go3bh chances are more for them to be good! DILs who have had good MILs they themselves become a good MIL as they wont carry the resentment due to bad MILs

[@corneliusoswald6139]

You are a rarity then. Because in south asian culture daughter in law being treated like servant by parent in law

[@vanianup]

I had a “love marriage” which was later arranged by our parents. It was intercast and had some opposition from my parents but the first time my father felt this marriage will be alright was when he met my MIL. A very gentle and accepting woman. Over the years I have understood that she is what she is because of her supreme confidence and feeling of security about everyone around her. She doesn’t believe people can be bad. She is never on a power trip. She is never jealous. She knows her son is always her son. His wife is her child too and the kids hers too. It makes life so easy when older people have that clarity of mind. She is a unique person in my life from whom I learn about how to love and live.

[@mmurthy9662]

You are most certainly favored by the Universe ! 😂

[@surekharathod7249]

I dont have any emotions for my in laws at all . Not even negative i dont talk nor visit them . I stay away as i have no love to give them from past experience. I remind my hubby to call his parents , never interfere with my husband and my kids relationship , never said a bad thing about them to anyone . I feel at peace. I don’t blame them to be the way they are i think I can’t take it anymore. I myself have 2 boys i will have daughter in law too . I believe in karma so just stay away from them . Happy days .

[@gursharndeol]

I am so surprised, this is 1000% like my story. I don’t have any feelings but it impacted me so badly and I couldn’t justify my role as a mother, wife and friend as I dreamed. I am totally a different person. 😌

[@rabiyanasir3793]

Same with me

[@nikitamishra6994]

in my case, my husband is so toxic. he married me for my salary only. nd he started harassing me from very start of marriage. living with him was daily mental stress.

[@surekharathod7249]

@@nikitamishra6994 hope you are out of it .

[@nikitamishra6994]

@@surekharathod7249 No. legal separation is remaining.

[@Nina-oi1qk]

I've managed to avoid my MIL for 26 years by living in another country since 6 weeks after my wedding! It has worked.

[@khushim26]

Lucky u.

[@geethav1693]

You too will be a mother in law in future

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

@@geethav1693 Exactly 💯

[@Nina-oi1qk]

@@geethav1693 yes, I most likely will, So what? What is your point?

[@swaroopareddy167]

@@Nina-oi1qk geetha s point is ur dil will avoid u immediately after her wedding to ur son..

[@bpm0142]

I spent 17 yrs praising her and inculcating positivity.for 17 yrs..but now enough..no changes..

[@gursimerjeet5624]

Sad. Do what your heart needs at the moment. It's important to take break when our heart tells us to.

[@bpm0142]

@@gursimerjeet5624 I have just come out of my home..I left my husband too.because I never found him standing for me against them...I spoiled by peak age...without any happiness.. I am "giving happines a chance"....

[@gursimerjeet5624]

@@bpm0142 Take good care of yourself. Healing takes time. Keep yourself active and do talk to someone about your feelings regularly. Leave all decisions to future. Take your time.

[@johnthomas-gk9ig]

The solution points given by her works with only those MILs whose problems emerge from egoism, but unfortunately nothing works with the toxic ones!!!!

[@likeargamanflaming940]

My mil is literally the greatest mil. I am very blessed to have her. I love her dearly. Are things perfect? No, nothing is perfect, but I love her dearly and she loves me. She is a great source of experience and wisdom. As a result of her kindness and generosity I hope to be even half the mil to my children's spouses that she is to me.

[@aaoiap3247]

@@se1775 ooohh yasss

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

Lovely!!

[@likeargamanflaming940]

@@se1775 nevvvver 😉

[@elizabethdavis5277]

I haven't seen or spoken to my mother-in-law in almost 2 years. Praise God!! 25 years and that woman almost drove me mad. I said not another day I am finished

[@shiprapathania7854]

Same pinch, it’s been three years now, am at peace.

[@prajnashree1738]

Me too, I wish I should never talk with her.. In entire my life

[@corneliusoswald6139]

Where?

[@yashikamahajan6691]

This only applies when people are genuine but some people are narcissistic and so selfish that you can't be near them because they're trying to disturb your future

[@eloise3369]

Yes they are sick

[@deyyspoint]

yeah right do read my comment yashika

[@motivationalvideo2456]

Son in law always get respect...but why not to daughter-in-law? If she will get respect. Then we can compare our mother from mother in law

[@AB-ce3nn]

Yes. Why we don’t tell son in laws to treat their MILs same as their mothers, why we don’t tell them to listen to their MIL? Also, we don’t expect SIL to share household work when they are in their in laws house, they are treated like god when they go to their in laws place, why DILs are not given the same freedom, they are expected to do household work even when they go there for vacation and judged constantly if they wake up late😞

[@pj8857]

Son in law can sleep, well,after all he is tired after work. If a daughter in law sleeps it's because she is lazy. Son in law can't even talk to his mil, they get insecure as if his son will run away . But we should take care of them as if we don't have a family anymore. It got so toxic that during pregnancy also they did not allow me to have the very much advised medical bed rest and I had a miscarriage that was a breaking point. To lose something that wasn't even at fault in all this. And now I am damn anxious about pregnancy all the time. I am happier without this toxicity. I will always be open to my husband to love and support his parents but I am out of this.

[@ahhwe-any7434]

@@pj8857 I've been juggling life preggo and I still get no cred. Not only does everyone else forget but somexs I do too. Bc my go to is to just keep going... I think my hormones would keep me depressed if I didn't even try to be active or useful for something. Then there's resentment bc its like r other ppl really whining right now? Not only does everything in my entire body hurt, I can't even always control things..., & I've been standing on swollen feet this entire time. Do ppl think that actually ever goes away? Bc it completely doesnt!

[@brindhagopal294]

If this happens, life will be cool. Daughter-in-law is an outsider for years and years. They never share their family secrets instead daughter-in-law have to think that "this is family". Now-a-days girls are studied well, brought up with good manners,very bold, supporting family financially. Even then daughter-in-law is like curry leaves, (ingredient used for aroma in Indian dishes) while eating many throw away this curry leaves.

[@amiruia527]

Well said

[@manjubansal5005]

Never seek approval of In-laws family ,let them seek yours

[@renitatellis7772]

Waah lovely comparison. Will use this once 👍

[@savitakulkarni9198]

Rightly said

[@narmadabhat44]

Ego kills all the relationship. In her case both tried their best to save the relationship. In reality if dil is the only one who is trying her best to be good with everyone then it doesn't make sense..

[@IssSandy]

Comments made me feel better... I was wondering if the issue is with my bad vibes towards my whole in laws family. I try to forget, move on and act like nothing happened. But the reality is they never change, they take it as a sign of submission and disrupt things even more. The saddest part is my husband told me that if I dont abide by what they say or do, he ll never give me the kind of love he had for me when we were dating. I dont know of it's a cultural thing or a human thing but the in laws rarely become the parents to a girl, especially now when the parents are raising their girls to be more independent than ever. And men take a woman for granted once she becomes a wife. After 4 years of crying and sadness, I ve finally taken the reins in my hand and I will never ever underestimate my strength like I did in the last 4 years. Love is meant to make you not break you.

[@IssSandy]

Also, I remember that there was some old tale I heard at a family gathering that a woman hated her MIL so much that she went to a Godman to get some 'bhasam' ( ash with some magical powers ) to control her MIL. The godman asked her to add bhasam to her MIL's food everyday and the food should be cooked by DIL with utmost care and should be delicious. DIL should feed and respect her MIL for a set number of days to see the effect of the bhasam on her MIL. The desperate girl did all of it and eventually after the set time passed, the MIL started treating her better. So, the DIL went back to the godman to tell him about the effect of the bhasam. The godman told her that the bhasam had no power. But her changed behaviour towards her MIL changed her MILs behavior towards her. 😂😂😂😂😂 This TED talk reminded me of the story above. Not to discredit the speaker's accomplishments but the cultural conditioning is a huge part of our identity and it manifests all through our life.

[@nemitapatwari2650]

Agree...

[@sleshanigam]

Have been struggling with toxic in-laws, initially just because I did not belong to their cast and later coz they enjoyed their sadist habits. Sadly my husband joined them on and off taking part in this. My trust and love soured over the years till now after 20 years. I have to search good feelings for them from deep inside ..sad but true. I have tried the positive approach consistently but down the line my confidence and self respect was deeply shaken in return for no change and continued demeaning and undermining remarks for me and my parents. My husband continues to support his mother whose continuous display of fake sickness and her drama for gaining control on her both sons and 3 brothers through sympathy of being a widow and old age continues. I don't look at any change in her rude behaviour at 71 yrs but sincerely hope my husband understands cause he has been knowing me from 20 years too. Looking and praying for positive hope .

[@IssSandy]

@@sleshanigam I am only 4 years into the marriage and my relationship with my husband took a 180 degree turn as soon as his parents entered the scene. And I regret being married to him and supporting him with all I had. And now he hurts my self esteem at every chance that he gets. I realised after losing everything that he was just like his family and was only playing a victim to get whatever he could out of me. As soon as he got it, he switched sides and now everyone treats me like an outsider. I don't know about other cultures but Indians, if the in laws reject you in first place, never get married to the person because you love them coz they ll eventually behave like their parents and siblings.

[@uniquewhimsy622]

@@IssSandy yes Indian culture is rather judgmental and the caste system affects the way people are treated heavily. I’d look inside myself for happiness since no one in his family will be providing it for you.

[@greenqueen8504]

my mil has not only damaged my marriage but she also caused chaos with all my other blood relatives...i would just rather pretend i never met her at all and let god deal with her instead or satan better yet

[@cindysingh9258]

Mines is the same way

[@likeargamanflaming940]

Man, I'm sorry it's this way...sounds ice cold....

[@jmcmusic5223]

I feel you dude

[@kaymindful4295]

green queen me too. And my mother in law told me she was out to get me and my children from day1. She said she would do anything to tear our family apart! And all she cared about was what her sons thought of her. I ended up leaving her permanently and to this day she still tries to ruin my marriage! She lies she is awful.

[@TaraHower]

Same :( I’m sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can come out stronger and healthier than ever before.

[@arpitasaraff8882]

Your story is so similar to mine. I also had a strained relationship with my mil . And lost her to leukamia last year. Your words are so profound and impactful .

[@majdavojnikovic]

That is what my mother teach me: never say a bad word about someone's parents or children to his/her face. Even if you think poorly about them, don't say it. Even if a person complains about them, don't say that you agree. Say "I understand you." instead.

[@كريمة-بوقمر]

😃👍 its very wise advice , love it soo much

[@AB-ce3nn]

Probably Indian mothers should teach their sons this. Husbands take pleasure in insulting wife’s parents for not giving enough dowry, saw many incidents in my own family 🙊

[@sarahsiddiqui9591]

Nah I tell my husband exactly how horrible his family is. If I don't tell him he's never gonna see it and I will always lose when the time comes to pick sides.

[@folklorelover13]

I live with my MIL. It’s absolutely miserable :(

[@barbara1904]

Emma W Harris Oh girl move out before boundaries are stepped over and established. Been there, done that.

[@synchronicity67]

My deepest sympathies 😏 that's wat these women don't know..if they wer living together with them, it's a total different ball game! I pray u hav d strength to handle it. Look after yrself most..👩‍🏭💚

[@michaela3681]

Emma W Harris I am terribly sorry

[@cooliocook6911]

I hope you get the opportunity to get away soon Emma.

[@Cometoterm]

Welcome to the club babe!

[@rochelleolivas2121]

I got lucky I have been married twice the first time didn't work out but I have my beutiful daughter from my first marriage and my ex mother in law still loves me. My new mother in law is amazing. We get along and do a lot together. She raised a wonderful man that I love very much.

[@nehadawar6878]

Very positive video! At the end of it, somewhere I still feel that in some cases, a little distance rather helps a challenging relationship get better. But to each his own.

[@kalpanasriwastava3702]

Your MOM IN LAW began to appreciate you because she didnt have daughters Bec you were working and on better footing Bec you were in USA .. Try getting respect when the daughter in law is in a weaker position , when her parents have died , when she is dependant on her husbands relatives for support ...emotionally They will ignore you , dismiss you ,treat you ill ... Make no mistake .. If things were that simple there would be no dowry deaths / divorces ...at least in backward country like india ...

[@NEWERAHARMONICA6]

I agree .

[@gursharndeol]

So true. This is only one side of the coin. I have 2 SIL s and 3 sisters of my husband. My husband is the youngest one. They all isolated me so badly as I was never a part of their game. I don’t know why my husband never understood my part. He just wanted me to be an ideal bahu in front of big army. This type of my hubby s behaviour even impacted me so badly and I couldn’t proove myself as a good wife, good mother and good friend. 😕speech ke liye sab acha hai but not in real life.

[@rabiyanasir3793]

I agree

[@rubeenatamsang1644]

Totally agree

[@kalpanaram1981]

True and if the daughter in law is child less than done

[@bindu240]

When empathy is mistaken for foolishness , it can be almost soul destroying in any relationship.

[@asiddi821]

True hurts when we try to show kindness and care for people and they try to exploit and take advantage. Learned this lesson in a hard way, people don't respect kindness they respect people who show attitude.

[@MrNikhilgherwar]

Be with a narcissistic... Person u will know

[@sunshine6867]

So true and perfect

[@YourImageExpert]

Not everybody deserves empathy. Some humans take advantage of empathy and like you rightly said sometimes narcissistic people see it as a weakness. So choose who you show kindness to is what I have learned the hard way

[@shiningmantraofficial]

Where nothing works, there distance works amazingly.. it create a healthy relationship atleast when both sides meet occasionally and though even when it converts into frequent meetings then also it harms peace. So keep distance happily :) Raise your voice, even when you are living together.. no peace can be established at the cost of your self respect 💕

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

Does this distance also work for your parents too??

[@nidhi1102]

@@RituSingh-go3bh You are such a troll. When parent treat their children badly, children should move away. Same applies to in laws.

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

@@nidhi1102 how does that make me a troll? I asked a simple question

[@nidhi1102]

@@RituSingh-go3bh it was not an innocent question. You were expecting to inflame the op by comparing parents to in laws. In an ideal world if that happens it would be wonderful and some lucky women do find good in laws. But there are women who get murdered by their in laws. So, before judging other women know what you could be pushing for.

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

@@nidhi1102 And how can you judge whether my question was innocent or not. My point is that most women have different rules when it comes to their family and their inlaws.

[@aprilchow-chee5281]

Unfortunately not all sons will stand by their wives

[@ribbroidery]

Only a good mother in law can make her daughter in law a good mother in law too. Period 🙌

[@olgamolnar5859]

Very well said, I had a wonderful mother in law and I believe I became one too !!

[@rush619able]

I always hugged her and smiled before my mother in law. My in laws also speak a different language from mine. I never cared what she spoke if she was not speaking to me. Later I found out that my MIL criticized about me to others on my face and I never knew it. She threw gifts what my parents gave to her in front of me to return to my parents because those were not good enough for her. She hates my family and has not actually accepted me into her family. How do you say positive vibes change things? if it does, it's one sided only.

[@sonya.soulsnackbowl]

Live separately and keep yourself busy with your own career. If she's idle, she's going to create issues. 'A person is never criticized by someone who does more' is something I read once.

[@sowmyasureshkumar3641]

Some plp don't change whatever you do

[@Rrupak]

Yeah. Read my comment also mam.

[@Rrupak]

Girls see MIL as her own mother after marriage but sometimes it's not only in your hands. Majority people are not like your MIL or my MIL. Person to person matters but that rigid patriarchy in every house doesn't change in our society. The fixed format for DIL is same in majority houses. Everyone is running their houses as per their understanding and experiences. But so many aspirations and emotions are lost due to unnecessary reasons. Hope 'Respect' towards each other should be there and God bless all families 🙏

[@PM-bz9ep]

Hurt people hurt others. In my experience MIL who do not have a satisfied relationship with their husbands/his family tend to be more interfering.

[@akadharvali9826]

I agree .. I have the same story … my mil was dissatisfied by her husband that’s she turned out to be annoying and interfering

[@seemakhanna2534]

Not at all. Don't generalize. A lot of women want their children to have successful married lives if their own failed.

[@sd-ud6iq]

​@@akadharvali9826yes true.if they have happy relationship with their husband they will mind their own business n never disturb dil

[@elsaberhe9704]

Great speech. Sounds simple and yet common struggle in families. Glad things worked out and she died happy. All is passing, but finding our oneness is priceless. God bless. Love you

[@tibebzena6638]

My mother in law is so loving and so supportive. She quit her own job to raise my baby, so that I will be able to pursue my education abroad!!!! In my opinion since everyone is unique we should not label a person's characterstics based on their general role in the society. Even more so if we start looking at our mother in law's as our real mothers we might be able to solve 50% of the challenges!!

[@Rrupak]

Every girl see MIL as her own mother after marriage but sometimes it's not only in your hands. Majority people are not like your MIL or my MIL. Person to person matters but that rigid patriarchy in every house doesn't change in our society. The fixed format for DIL is same in majority houses. Everyone is running their houses as per their understanding and experiences. But so many aspirations and emotions are lost due to unnecessary reasons. Hope 'Respect' towards each other should be there and God bless all families 🙏

[@mangala24]

How lucky! God bless

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

Beautifully said. 🙏

[@nasreenkhan2716]

So true, if all Bahu's, thought their mother in law, to be their own mother.

[@vishajoshi3500]

I wish vice versa wud make thing more easy, as the other one is coming into a new family

[@beetlejamie8065]

We all need to feel heard, felt, & understood. Love is the answer & sometimes that love must be for oneself. For those of you who have tried to take the high road without success, know that you have done all you can to remedy the situation & we can only change our own behavior. Not the behavior of others! 💕

[@keatettle3152]

Yes. Completely rings with me.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

You can try to get along and ignore the rudeness but they will tear you down behind your back. If you dont have a support system to lean on it will break you down. It gets tiring and then it effects your kids. EDIT: 11 months later, where im at today if she sends me any more messages she is getting a restraining order!

[@aaoiap3247]

Haha ha ha ha..she must

[@blk1735]

Exactly! It does break you down if you don't have your own support system.

[@cm-kn9cd]

When I married my husband he was the youngest of 3 sons. My Mil asked not to forget her when we get married. Her others had no time for her and became more involved with their wives parents. I promised my Mil that I would never forget her. I treated her like my own Mum and had the most amazing relationship. I didn't always agree with her advice. But I repected her. I wish mothers of daughters would give the same advice.

[@bhuvaneshwarij1326]

I celebrated my mil s bday gifted het saris but she always hates me

[@cm-kn9cd]

@@bhuvaneshwarij1326 That is so sad. Your Mil is also a DIL. You think she would understand you. Women should support each other. There is so much jealousy in the world.💕

[@AB-ce3nn]

I wish son in laws treat their mil/fil like his own. They are allowed not to talk to them on daily basis or do household work when they are in their in laws place. Son in law should listen to their in laws too. I wish mothers of sons advice their sons to take care of their in laws , it would be happy world if it happens!

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

How beautiful

[@carlalove3498]

Well, my mother in law and I belong to two very different and distant generations. She's in her 80s and I'm in my 30s. At first, I wasn't too happy about how distant she was (this has changed) and I was a bit annoyed about how demanding she is towards my loved one and so forth. But now I feel different about her. You know why? Because she gave me the greatest gift, the gift of love. Because one day she did the modt wonderful thing: she gave birth to the man I love. Thanks to her I'm loved and have a family of my own. She taught him to be great human being, so how can I not love her? How can I not thank her? Yes, we are different, but I hope she's around for many, many more years.

[@God.sDaughter]

Carla Love Has your husband loved your mother for giving birth to you? Why Must it be that it’s the woman’s job to try so hard to please the husband’s family?

[@wwenewsandtalks6344]

@@God.sDaughter it's all upto how we set our mind

[@shireenhendricks2194]

Beautiful. I tried all of that and because shes narcissistic i was fighting a losing battle. She rejoiced when her son dumped me.

[@diannan2774]

You cannot win over a narcissist. And while I know getting dumped is no fun...you probably dodged a bullet. Hopfully you will find someone who deserves you and treats you well.

[@shireenhendricks2194]

Stacy Newhart Thank you. I agreem.

[@ericalopez3323]

Shireen Hendricks same here I’ve tried everything to please that women it all back fires because she is a narcissist

[@shireenhendricks2194]

@@ericalopez3323 best wishes.

[@cynthiagivens2166]

Erica Lopez I know how that is. Been there!

[@vinishamainkar6843]

Truely a nice solution given by u ma'am 'I LOVE MAA' this will be my slogan now onwards to save my relationships. Thank you ma'am 💓😀

[@janapa1978]

My father did what all his mom wanted him to do. But put a line to her whims and fancies when she figeted with our lives. My mom had been over conscious and did so much against her wish to show that she can do and she is a super mom. As son did not support her she was fond of daughter in law and grand children. IT IS ALWAYS THE MAN'S RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE

[@christines6040]

This speech made me cry. It helped me, taught me, and gave me a new view on relationships.

[@sow9619]

This is true only for a mother in law who doesn’t have a daughter of her own.

[@shanthimurathoti3039]

100% agree

[@love-sw7ow]

So true . This thing only a woman with 2 sons can understand. From my own personal experience , my 2 sister in law is ruining my relationship with mother in law and my husband

[@AFernando-k7u]

So true

[@manikaur9405]

How beautifully put together! I have a similar equation with my mil and many a times i have made that move where i tried to win her heart and maybe succeeded too but she takes ten steps back again due to my sister in law. She expects me to put her on a pedastal and kind of worship her whenever she is present, which is not possible for me because my sister in law has been rude to me even before my wedding and during my engagement period. All relationships cannot be mend unfortunately. I am tired of trying, succeeding and then again getting insulted all over again back to zero.

[@SD-nw6sx]

Same here except my MIL goes to step 1 by herself

[@mamad4562]

This is MY current situation.

[@what2saynow]

This is my story too and I know how you feel

[@mizushining]

Same my situation

[@Joyful4270]

Me too

[@porschea950]

Great inspiring speech and in another life I would want to do what she’s saying and it would work but what if you just can’t forgive your MIL for all the pain and bad memories she’s caused you and more importantly for the countless times she put down your parents and taunted them. If it was just with me I would be okay but for the way she’s been with my parents ...how can I respect such a women. Also she lies as per her convenience, how can you love and respect someone like that? I’m not complaining, I’m genuinely ask for answers to gain perspective. I’ve never felt like a 3rd class citizen until I married my husband in India, you really realize it’s different because you are a girl and your parents are the parents of a girl. Growing up in today’s time in NYC but having to deal with this has been the hardest thing for me. I might as well been born in a backward village somewhere.

[@gitali]

Porsche A I understand your pain. I am in the same boat. It is difficult to forgive this kind of person.

[@manikaur9405]

Porsche A i have the exact same story as yours. My mil is a demon. She never leaves a chance to diss my parents or even my upbringing. She compares me to her daughter and says how cultured and well behaved she is but how uncultures mannerless you are. I can totally relate to the pain because i have myself grown up in Europe and ended up marrying in India. Luckily my husband understands me and supports me but my mil has made my life miserable over the past two years of my marriage. Just like you, i cannot let go of my self respect and get humiliated by her again and again. She deserves to die alone

[@sandeepoberoi3709]

Excellent..inspirational

[@ashsar2408]

Being a civilised person and trying not to lose my dignity is why I am capable of communication. You are expressing real feelings that many women experience.

[@odessy0000]

Porsche A If things are really as you describe them, I don't think your MIL deserves you respect or kindness. It is one thing to correct your DIL if she is wrong but another thing to disrespect her, talk ill of her parents who are elderly, themselves and etc. To be fair, a lot of elders in our culture abuse their position and misbehave with people esp younger than them or their DIL. Do you know why? Because, no body stands for themselves even after being humiliated. If, your husband won't fight for your rights, make sure you stand up to them. In todays world these kind of mothers would be called narcissists and such demeaning behaviour must never be tolerated.

[@TheSexy362436]

To learn something good in any stage is the key... but what when even husband is not ready to accept new things which are good... To make MOM IN LAW understand is the 2nd step... U had 1st step already there... Lucky... Not everyone has this 1st step too

[@odessy0000]

Great video. Very wisely put together about a delicate topic. I learned a lot from your video. But, honestly, I feel if someone's heart or intention is not pure no amount of strategy or people pleasing will work be it the MIL or DIL we are talking about.

[@fff_larson254]

True, and I have been doing all that since day 1. After almost 2 years, she treated me way worse than before - she expects more and more. It depends on the person as well for example, her MIL was well educated whilst mine didn't go to school. So that changes the options that I'm left with in dealing with my MIL.

[@claim2367]

my mother in law does not cook at all but she is the only one that puts down my cooking while she clears her plate, I gave up!

[@Kwood10]

Maybe you should take cooking lessons

[@Odo-so8pj]

Ignore the narcisists commenting.

[@riac5388]

A beautiful person with a beautiful message, thank you, this was very enlightening

[@nvHumanist]

Lovely message Jessi. Hope everyother mother-in-law starts changing like your did.

[@deepz53]

This is such an amazing talk. One of best that I have seen after years in ted talk... Thank you ma'am for these lovely words last 2 mins is the main takeaway. Hence I urge people to listen till the end

[@deanwitt7903]

The problem for mother in laws is that they think they are a few steps ahead of you but in reality they have unconsciously trained you to be 10 steps ahead of them . Yes everyone wants to be loved and respected but a mother in law who has a tendency to have feelings of resentment rather than love or respect is only ever going to tolerate you rather than respect you . The way I see it is that I picked her daughter and her daughter picked me and I get immense satisfaction knowing it’s killing her inside given the things she’s said at times .

[@himanshi7988]

I live with my mil and v are happy together. Not all woman are same. No relation can b perfect bcoz by perfect we mean that things should b as we want them to b but when 2 or more people are involved lot of things are subjective, and that happenes with all the relations in our life. but we ourselves sometimes overanalyse mil n dil relations coz of social conditioning. Beauty lies in acceptance n pure intentions n thats what love is. V love each other inspite of differences n v are blessed to have each other.

[@AJ-kb9hf]

you are spot on.

[@RituSingh-go3bh]

Finally reading a positive comment. 👌

[@mrona1844]

My MIL hates me because her son loves me more :D lol

[@manikaur9405]

Madina Rona same here 😉🥰

[@yaaranaturaloo1542]

You r so so so so lucky

[@greenqueen8504]

as it should be

[@manisha-iu7xs]

Same here

[@mermaidlorelei1045]

M R Mine has hated me since day one and has done everything in her power to destroy us from the beginning. She’s finally getting her wish and we’re divorcing after 20yrs because he’s terrified of her and can’t put me first over her...never has been able to and has allowed her to disrespect me on so many different levels. So happy your husband is a real man and has made the right choice! Love and light.....

[@viktorijaf5777]

I read a book called ' Toxic parents in-law' by Susan Forward. Put a lot of things into perspective. The knowledge is really a key solving those kind of issues.

[@Olivia-wz9by]

Such a great talk! Thinking of my mother-in-law makes me so angry. I will watch this when she comes over; I think it may help.

[@Mike-01234]

What I found funny was how my mother now a MIL says the exact same thing she used to complain about my Grandmother saying. I reminder of this and tell her, "You just said the same thing Grandma use to say". Seeing that stunned look on her face because she knew then says, "I don't remember that. I'm not anything like her". I'll say oh wait don't you remember that vacation we went on you got mad at her???

[@AJ-kb9hf]

My MIL was a nightmare for a long long time. I stopped seeing her, but eventually we reconciled slowly especially when the kids came along. Years later my husband and I separated. My MIL was broken and distraught. At that time she actually told me she loved me and how much she wanted us to get back together. We have not got back together. The marriage is finished but if kept in touch with my MIL. Not so long ago my former BIL was very ill and I was the only person she wanted to be near. I cared for her at that time. I regret some of the hurtful things I said to my former husband about his mum. I was young and thoughtless and inexperienced. My former husband was and is a good person and I regret the hurt I caused him. I also feel very sorry for my MIL. We now have a pleasant relationship and she knows I am there for her. God bless

[@illuminationinmotion]

My mil never liked me, but that doesn't bother me at all. What does hurt me is that she only has one grandchild and that's my daughter, yet she takes it out on her by not wanting to be around her. She's also very cold towards my husband and he's been trying to buy her love for years. No amount of money or gifts or kindness and understanding has melted her cold heart. She favors her older son and his wife. I think it's because I'm a different nationality and she's angry with my husband for marrying me. People need to want to make a connection, otherwise it'll be like a one sided love story. At some point one has to let things go and make peace with it.

[@kelliea7451]

illumination in motion she's missing out on a beautiful family. Its her loss. I'm sorry you have to go through that and watch your love go through that.

[@barbara1904]

illumination in motion That’s hard but you both have to focus on the three of you. 🙂

[@oldie-american]

Stop placating her. Take care of yourself and who you really love. At the same time, don't say anything against your in-laws to your spouse.

[@erer782]

Please read Mohanji blogs. 🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@ahhwe-any7434]

My in laws think that somexs I seclude myself. No its that I'm fed up w/ the toxic drama & feel like im just wasting energy. So I just keep doing me. Just in case. I'm not completely ungrateful. But it's gonna take more than 2 yrs for them to be even kind of tolerable. But to be clear, I ask for very basic common things. Which apparently is extremely hard to come by. & I say everything I feel about him and his fam 🤗 to him. Sometimes when I'm heated... Other times he actually agrees. I think when it's time to start his own fam., try not to be an actual damn control freak. I'll never forget when his dad said something like I really happy for yall. And I really do think you're the best for him. But all marriage is is who can puts each other through the worst. & how willing the other person is to put up w/ it. Well, I kinda forgot. Bc I prob worded this way nicer than he did

[@almachavez6814]

I’m so happy I listened to this. Thank you.

[@mrsgulshankalra5035]

Superb talk on love and respect....what u give u get back....excellent way to start learning...it's never too late..

[@aks6154]

My mother's mil is a total monster 👹. My father is a complete coward and thanks to him we all suffered greatly at the hands of his evildoer mother. He never protected us and supported us because we were all girls.

[@loveleenbedi3404]

Yes ,you are right none else knows where the shoe pinches

[@aks6154]

@@loveleenbedi3404 TRUE.

[@erer782]

Watch Sindhutai sapkal movie

[@aks6154]

@@erer782 I have seen her videos and she has greatly inspired me. She left quite an impression upon me and truly touched me. Thinking about her really lifts my spirits and motivates me to think big and make a difference.

[@erer782]

Same here I have brothers but my mother loves sons only....i m for her hospital sewa only. I was topper in my school college... but my mother married me off early. Because of all these tortures i started finding mother father brother Love.... and i found saibaba as my whole and sole. And now Mohanji. I had monster mother in law sister in law ... My husband family is From Dharwad. I was injured in every way. But that led me to find the reasons of sufferings in life. I found baba 🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@deepandya1376]

Corect wish everyone's child can be eye opener every mother is important to them it's our understanding and giving positive turn I loved my muminlaw just like my mum one gave me abirth and one gave me a life

[@Twinkie989]

Can't do this with a narcissist. I'll say, though, that my son's girlfriend lived with me all through Covid and by the time she moved away, my son knew better than to have a disagreement with her around me because my loyalty was clear.

[@chotedewansahib3183]

Living with her 24/7. Nobody can understand what I go through mentally. I wish I could live sperate with my husband

[@Kwood10]

Move out then if u don’t like it

[@drfjahan]

A million dollar talk. Love you for your wisdom.

[@kiranbulchandani8665]

Every relationship comes with its own baggage. It’s upto us how we manage, we can carry the heavy weight of hurt n hate throughout our lives or wisely learn to bow down and move on gracefully towards our main goal in life. The other person is not going to change, we have to adjust and loosen up first then slowly things will get better for both sides. It’s a hard way but a healthy start to a happy ending.

[@parmjitkaur2874]

Jassi u r amazing,wonderful,beautiful nd fabulous. Bless u!!! Salute to u from me I am from Canada 🇨🇦 Lvu 💕 Stay safe and sound

[@irisjames8778]

The will to make things work is mostly not double sided, its mostly the DIL should change and adjust. Disrespect when thrown to you first can have a lasting impact on ur mental health. Judgement is always given to DIL no empathy.

[@magnolia31611]

Wow! This brought so much perspective to me! I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mother in law ever since I had my first child, this talk totally changed my line of thinking. I will do everything I can to have intentional, positive thinking when it comes to her, and even if nothing changes, I will at least know that I am doing my part to try and make things better.

[@maryannemckay3606]

How are things going?….☺️

[@sunshine6867]

Keep trying till ur last breath they never change. If dont have SIL may achieve it but if u have SIL u will never get successful

[@mmurthy9662]

Gosh ! You are absolutely correct ! 😂

[@kirtisingh4368]

Wow what a beautiful woman to inspire others with her wisdom. I loved it so much that i could see exactly myself in this lady's story. I have tried the same way many times but worked out temperarily fixing up the problem. I have learnt two main things from this video: First to be persistent in trying and the other is to never use husband as a middle person for communication. I hope one day i can also fix the differences by staying persistent. Thanks for putting this video..

[@God.sDaughter]

Why is it daughter in laws are subjected to such hostility? Why is the mother in the picture? Get out! You don’t belong in your son’s love life. 😖😖😖😖. It’s really not that difficult to understand!

[@cooliocook6911]

Mary excellent comment!

[@yeahokaycoolcool]

Right! My dad never gets oddly possessive of me towards my husband. My dad actually loves my husband. I feel that a lot of my in-laws don't take our marriage seriously at all, however. They tend to get over-involved often.

[@God.sDaughter]

JjTheEditGod I believe it has something to do with women having the competitive attitude towards the other woman. It makes no sense though! I hate it when women do this. 😖😖😖😖

[@FS02012]

My question is why the girls mother not defending her daughter against the mother in law daughters tell their moms every

[@aaoiap3247]

Great reply mary..but sons have to set that boundary

[@afiakhan3116]

Dear Jussi..thank you for sharing.i can not change past but present is still in my hand.

[@madhavidongre5062]

Mam I loved your speech... My MIL gives no respect to my mother... Never even asks for a glass of water.... Instead insults her at times... How do you make up with such people? I don't feel like they deserve any good

[@manichairdo6346]

Nobody on earth would treat my mother badly without being strongly challenged. If she doesn't change cut her out of your life as much as you can. You and your mother weren't born to be bullied by anyone. These people keep on because they get away with it. Be brave.

[@anuradhasangal9049]

I always stayed with my in laws...I think little adjustments here and there make the relationship flourish...Mother in law also are mothers at heart... I love my mother in law...and my daughter in law loves me

[@mansijawale8939]

Wow... Too Gentle and Too Powerful at the same time...

[@LunaGer]

I see a lot of people making excuses here. Listen again. This was beautiful and doesn't have nearly enough views.

[@jennifervincent9502]

Dear Jessi thank you. I am still learning.

[@Aaditi187]

My MIL says she is perfect always😢and we r creating imperfections in her home...How some can be so self praising???

[@thanvijitendra]

Same

[@goharsarosh]

same

[@NA-vt6mz]

Aditi's Cook Book move out

[@IndianGirl93]

Narcissism

[@lavanyadevulapalli6801]

My mil n husband..both r super egoistic manipulative and parsimonious...though I achieved lot many things in life..they always put me like worthless😌..always they demand for respect ..which I never have on them.

[@s.g3452]

👍

[@lalitharavi1697]

Lovely,i partly follow this with my MIL,so nice hear frm you

[@deepikagoyal07]

Gratitude to you for sharing a beautiful story. Its truly worthwhile. This relationship is truly challenging for all. But one has to learn to be wise.

[@sanjeevrana8317]

No words. IMPECCABLY ABSOLUTELY AUTHENTICALY RIGHT

[@hockeygirl8401]

Completely in tears. Challenging and beautiful

[@visionaryandentertainment]

so much positivity i have gained by watching your words. thankfully im all again motivated. many many prayers to you .

[@nehakesarwani21]

Great speech.... but only works if she actually raises her a good son... I tried it all with my ex mother in law. But nothing was ever enough till I was left empty.... but yes - this works when there is no narcissist in the dynamic.

[@Smileygld123]

This was beautiful! Thank you. 😊❤

[@ambikasingh3377]

An equation that goes bad can be mended with people who are good! With people, who have a stinking heart and narrow mind, words of praise or love can also go wrong! Faced it myself.. not the same thing can work for everyone! Distance both physical and mental is needed for peace of mind! Toxic relations are like consuming toxic substances for which one has to pay someday!

[@Wajdahar786]

I really need some group where we all daughter in laws can discuss

[@daisyrose-kp4rb]

I can't do housework, cooking etc fast and due to this she always makes fun of me saying iam so 'slow'. I try my best to work hard. She wants me to get up at around 4am and start cooking. Its difficult for me to do that as I have a baby and she gets up a lot during the night to drink milk. When I explain myself to my husband he gets angry as he is very fond of his mother. Sometimes I feel like I will go insane.

[@RS-ih3uq]

@@daisyrose-kp4rb mil expectation is wrong and for husband to be blinded by his mother proves how they are being natured. Hang in there! If you cannot speak directly with husband (some wives have this special trick...I don't know what it's is)! You have to speak up and ask the question why 4am?

[@aaditiscool]

Ask your husband to do it...tell him to carry a baby in your womb, live with another family, drain your mind body and soul.

[@motivationalvideo2456]

Let make some group ...even I need solution

[@patriciarudge]

I think she is all about herself I Love my sons n daughters in law n want to Love them as they come in as part if my Family God Given to me

[@keatettle3152]

God bless 🧡

[@IqraVlogster]

Oh This is soo motivating. I have good relation with my mother in law but there comes ups amd downs. Thank you Jessie

[@110samikshasangitrao8]

What a beautiful talk and am taking so much from this

[@GH-vu4qm]

Thank you for sharing your good wisdom on a relationship that is by nature very difficult.

[@robinsimons7710]

I was blessed with an amazing mother in law and am blessed with an amazing daughter in law.

[@kindledkajal5136]

Really needed it 👌🏼🙈A big thank you!

[@sujathakorlam4946]

I feel MIL's who behave like you described in your speech is really we can tolerate . But some " mamas" ...have " pathological jealousy" --- these type of mother in law's are very difficult to deal with . You get emotionally fatigued , tired,.

[@shailiiparmar]

Very well said Mam.. 👏👏👏 Positive attitude always work nd win. U r amazing

[@dipaligoradia1162]

Superb... something that I really needed.

[@mishibhardwaj3919]

This is such a beautiful experience you have shared❤️

[@Growingwiser]

Some “mantras” in life when relationships are tough - 1. Nobody is perfect. Look inside ourself first.. we will find more flaws than in others. 2. We don’t have control over other’s behavior but we can control ours. 3. Take it easy. If it’s going too tough give some space. Take a breather. 4. It’s not the end of the world. Release the anxiety, take a deep breath. 5. Don’t give importance to small fights. Shrug it off and move on. 6. Relax, No one can take what is truly yours. 7. Keep yourself occupied, look busier to avoid trifle conversations. 8. Don’t beg for love or respect. Instead teach them by giving love and showing respect. 9. It’s not your fault, nor theirs. Blame it on circumstances 10. Avoid comparison 11. Avoid competition 12. Carry good intentions.. 13. Apologies quickly wherever needed. 14. Forgive others but first forgive yourself. Love others but first love yourself. 14. Be genuine. 15. Find laughter in toughest situations And in the end for a healthy relationship it takes efforts from both side. Try above. If things still don’t work out, at least you won’t blame yourself for not trying enough. Above all take care of your mind-body and soul. All three are Important pillars of inner peace. And you can’t achieve peace outside if there is a war going inside…

[@alkarohatgi5443]

True. Love and respect make every relationship a beautiful one.