NOT YOUR TYPICAL MOTHER'S DAY | NAVIGATING TOXIC FAMILY DYNAMICS

Having a toxic family can make Mother's Day really difficult.
Mother's Day is supposed to be a day of love, joy, and happiness.
But for some people, Mother's Day is only a reminder of:
-a mother that has never been had
-a toxic and dysfunctional mother
-an unfaithful and disconnected mother
-an emotionally immature and/or detached mother
-a labile or mixed-up mother
Because of this, it is often difficult for these individuals to "celebrate" with the rest of the world.
What makes the pain of Mother's Day even more painful is having a sibling who is just as toxic, dysfunctional, immature, and emotionally labile.
In this live chat, I discuss the dynamic of toxic mothers and their children.
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#trauma #tamarahilllpc #TOXICFAMILY
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DISCUSSED IN THIS CHAT:
0:00 intro
8:08 CALLOUS and UNEMOTIONAL TRAITS OF MOTHERS
-"Refrigerator mothers" or "cold mother syndrome"
10:54 COLD CALLOUS SIBLINGS
14:00 when the mother had childhood behavioral problems
15:26 Antisocial (limited prosocial behavior) mom
18:30 CLINICAL PRESENTATION
22:08 a sibling can become just like your mother (biologically & socially)
28:34 Mommy Dearest
41:30 THE ROAD TO SOCIOPATHY
58:25 WHAT THESE MOTHERS LOOK LIKE
*discussion in-between content
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Mentioned In The Video (research & further information):
1. Parenting Characteristics and Callous-Unemotional Traits in Children Aged 0-6 Years: A Systematic Narrative Review
link.springer....
2. Heritable and non-heritable pathways to early callous-unemotional behaviors
www.ncbi.nlm.n...
3. Heritable and Nonheritable Pathways to Early
Callous-Unemotional Behaviors
ajp.psychiatry...
4. The Heritability of Callous and Unemotional Traits
www.psychology...
5. The Link between ADHD Symptoms and Antisocial Behavior: The Moderating Role of the Protective Factor Sense of Coherence
www.ncbi.nlm.n...
6. Mommy Dearest movie • Mommie Dearest
7. Lindsey Gibson Self-care book
Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor Your Emotions, Nurture Your Self, and Live with Confidence a.co/d/6WYf9kZ
8. My video on parents who don't care • 7 SIGNS YOUR PARENTS D...
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DISCLAIMER:
*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicideprevent....
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----Contact me-------(BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY)
I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 15 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at [e-mail]. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
Mail me stuff!
PO BOX 15747
Robinson Township, PA 15244
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[@TherapistTamaraHill]

KZbin will make the VERY lively chatbox available for you to see within 12 hours of the chat ending. This is ALWAYS the best part!!

[@user-om2fe8wb4q]

You described the relationship I have had with my mom and my sister for years. Sister turned all of the flying monkeys on me. Have been estranged for 15 years because of that. Thank you for relating to those of us that were handed circumstances beyond our control!

[@dark7angel456]

I appreciate these videos when i am suffering from a problematic mom that is too difficult to connect with and i dont want to be around her.

[@julieanna8495]

I am 65 years old. My narcissistic mom died two years ago. I am grieved to say that I never shed a tear at her passing. She never raised us to love her-only to fear her.😐🫤. Nothing we kids did was ever good enough even though we spent the last four months of her life taking turns being there with her 24 hours a day because she had Stage 4 gallbladder cancer and was on home hospice. 😕. She was always grumbling about the smallest of things-we took too long to walk to the kitchen to get her another fork because she dropped hers on the floor. Well I have Parkinson’s. 😮🙄. It takes me time to get my legs to even move. She cared only about her own needs. I am enjoying Mother’s Day today with my wonderful Sons and their families around me. ❤️🥰🙌. Life is amazing when narcissists are not around. Happy Mother’s Day to all the sweet Mommas out there. Be blessed. ❤️🥰😘

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you for acknowledging the good moms! They are a true blessing. And I'm sorry about the kind of mom you had. Narcissistic mothers are very difficult to "digest." It's wonderful when you can redefine the day for yourself.

[@Yanadew]

Mother’s Day is Hard! So many times, I stand in aisle of The HallMark Store, looking at the collection of Mothers Day cards, so beautifully written and arranged, and thinking that none of these cards express/display the personality or temperament of My Mother! I’ve bought these beautiful cards so many over the years, and present them to her with a smile. I also hope that it would change the coldness and detachment, this year she will be 80 years old, and it hasn’t happen yet! 😢

[@dark7angel456]

My mom is not a nice person... i dont have emotional attachment. She actually causes my pain and is sociopathic AND selfish. My siblings DO NOT make it better. Too intrusive into my private life that i feel traumatized. She says the ugliest things to me and looking for ways to hurt me and make me feel belittled, and does NOT care. My family is NOT healthy. They think that my age is where they can abandon. Very toxic and i feel like my immature parents. My family definately has issues like sociapathy. Too hard to be around.

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

Hi Tamara. Being the family bkacksheep and scapegoat I hope you read my message. I hear the characteristics and in my situation it’s so different. My mother is far from antisocial . Me and her always had the same personality. We both love to sing , and very outgoing. We are the ones that have everyone laughing at a get togther or the one to get everyone else to get up and dance. We joked and laughed at everything. My sister was the nerd who didn’t sing and got annoyed at my mother and me playing and acting silly. But then I always saw that my mother didn’t really put a lot of effort into who am or what was going on in my life but with my sister she praised and all her attention went into my sister so that my sister had boxes and boxes of awards and trophy’s and I had none mainly because I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted and my mother was to busy trying to cover up that I’m gay that she didn’t care either . Also my father never put any energy into having a relationship with me in fact he wanted my mother ex husbands and o adopt me and take their name but my sisters fathers loved and protected her and made sure my mom didn’t abuse her. Inspite of being smarter then my golden child sister during with straight a student and photographic memory the things I was good at slowly dwindled do to constant emotional and verbal abuse of mother. Which my grandmother treated my mother the same way and my mother was the blacksheep of her sibling. All her sibling built successfully careers and material things like expensive cars and houses except my mother. So I began lacking motivation and as adult wasted my life going from job to job car to car and living situations no matter how hard I tried and believe me I tried hard cause I knew I could be and do better. My sister got her degree and work for mental health for the state. Now she is the more outgoing one and I’m more of antisocial now which is so weird. Me and my sister used to be really close and we were each others emotional support against my mother until 10 years ago it seemed my sister got cold and distant over night with me and when I bring it up she says it’s all in my head. Now she gaslights me about everything in the past and all about being positive and gettting along and invalidates every time I bring up how I feel about our mother. 2020 I died in an ambulance from asthma and began a spiritual awakening and wasn’t expected to make it but was placed on life support and medical induce coma and when I tried talking about my experience to my mother and sister they acted like I was being dramatic or just wasn’t interested in it all and just ignored me. I finally l went no contact from entire family last year who seemed to not care anyways and went on Like I never existed. I’m moved to California to heal and struggling tryjng to be an adult who all his life was codependent on his mother and controlled financially and had alot of self doubt and no self worth . I’m on disability for my asthma so limited resources but I need someone to talk to and I love your videos.p ok ease reach back out to me if you can. Also my mom has dyslexia. Also no male in our family has a relationship with his mother. All the men have walked away from the family.

[@KS-dx5ln]

MY mother had no business having a baby. She's emotionless unless it's something to do with her. She is a people pleaser, but it's all fake. She does it to get false recognition. Will do for other's then talk so much BS behind whoever she does help. Nobody forces her to do what she does. It's a backward co-dependency. I always respected her for what she did for me. But she never respected me for anything I did. Jealousy from her because of how I raised my kids, totally opposite of how she so-called raised me. She knows. And she attempted to triangulate my sons with money. Sorry mommy dearest, money can't buy love nor respect. She in her 70's still has not learned that.

[@montena369]

Wow this is so my mother 😅❤️‍🩹

[@KS-dx5ln]

I have 2 grown adult son's. I have always defended them against abusive people and love them unconditionally. I was never defended against my mothers effed up abusive friends or her boyfriend's. Why, because she was abusive and let others abuse me. She hated me because I stood up for myself. Something she never did for herself. But had no problem bullying and abusing others while attempting to put on a show for everyone. The perfectionist she thinks she is. That's so far from the truth. She has never admitted any fault in any relationship with anyone. It's always someone else's fault. Mentallly ill delusional world she has lived in all her life.

[@KS-dx5ln]

She was always on the phone gossiping and B1tching about her friends and boyfriend's to other friends and boyfriends. Always wanting attention and causing unnecessary drama. ALWAYS!

[@jennifermartin6966]

Hi Tamara! I have this issue with mom and sister so thank you for this🎉

[@truth4utoda]

Me too😢

[@dark7angel456]

I didn't know because I was innocent but now I look back and I see that she is The cold mother syndrome for sure. I thought it was normal but then I looked further and seen that it isn't.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Knowledge truly is power. Once you know the truth, you know! 😔

[@dark7angel456]

@@TherapistTamaraHill but it didnt seem this way before I was 30.

[@tiwanaloves]

How is it possible you speak my life?!!! My mother had 6 children but only raised the last one who is on my mother’s side always. My mother is also unemotional and cantankerous! She also sabotages the other 5 kids by speaking ill of us to anyone including her sisters that raised us. She tries to make them hate us and love her. I think she has guilt that she is not dealing with. She never told her sisters and her parents thank you but instead criticizes them on what they did not do for us and such. It’s extremely hard for me because I want to love my mother. I want my mother to love me back. I need her to apologize. It’s most hard for me now because I raised stepchildren to include a daughter and I cannot conceive not being the best mother for her. I cannot conceive treating her like my mother treated me. Also I am the oldest so I tried to be there for my youngest sister (the one raised by my mother) but she cannot have an opinion separate from our mother and doesn’t seem to have empathy for the rest of us. She is self serving like mother. My other sister son died and mother and clone sister did not even show up for the funeral but instead told everyone who would listen that it’s my sister’s fault her son died. Sad. It’s by grace I found you to help me heal. 💞

[@willowmoon369]

What's even more fun than Mom lying about the father, is the Mom lying to the father about the daughter!!

[@user-wc5dw2qx9i]

I had enough and had to tell my mom how i felt she took no accountability for any abuse. She has no friends don't even know her grandkids. I'm done I can't fight anymore

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry. It's common for unhealthy mothers to take no accountability for their behaviors. It's basically a "your words against her word" kind of situation. Finding peace within yourself, if you don't have it already, is the way forward in these cases.

[@user-wc5dw2qx9i]

@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you. Yes is it common for if they do something like have an altercation and they turn around and say no your lying that never happened. Or your jealous of me. Personally i will never be jealous of anyone so it hurts. Is that a Narc parent.

[@CreativeTigresa7]

Could you do a similar episode with absent fathers on Father’s Day?

[@truth4utoda]

My sister was biologically predisposed to have ODD. She never fit in with the family and was difficult in so many ways.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

That's so difficult. I'm sorry. Kids with ODD can become a problem for a long time if they are not treated appropriately. Can you imagine what these kids grow up to become in some families? Not all kids have behaviors into adulthood but some do. They then become difficult adults with further problems.

[@amarbyrd2520]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Some of them grow up ro become not only adults with ODD, but bioparents of the rest of us. Counselor - do you see a big difference between ODD and Pathological Demand Avoidance ...?

[@KS-dx5ln]

With my mother there was never any hugs, no encouragement, no emotional connection at all. When I broke my arm and I knew I broke my arm. I was crying and in pain. She brushed me off and said, go lay down your fine. Why? Because she had a friend over. She was too involved in being a friend to a psycho like herself. 3 hours later after I passed out in my bed, her and her friend came in my room when I was asleep and her friend said, her elbow and arm are swollen. REALLY? YEAH, Broke my elbow in 2 different places. She was pissed because she had to take me to the Er. Just like when I went for several months with Psoriasis, bleeding, flaking painful skin lesions, it was ignored. Until I was covered from head to toe. Sad excuse for a mother. She was too busy with dating losers and gossiping and talking bad about everyone including me. It was never about me. It was all about her. Totally undescribable. It was all about her. Not about me.

[@montena369]

I have this same experience 😮 I empathize with you ❤️‍🩹

[@thirtyyearcosmetologist]

Whew! I have been so naive. My mom boy oh boy and her goons and minions! She truly used the divide and conquer tactics

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

oh no. I'm sorry! I wouldn't necessarily say that you were naive. Perhaps you were trusting in the reality that she was your mom and you could trust her. OR perhaps you believed in her because of what family believes about parents. Maybe there is a different way you could look at this?

[@thirtyyearcosmetologist]

@@TherapistTamaraHill I say naive because I lacked wisdom about what was going on. I have recently had my eyes opened. I prefer to distance myself from family members who treat me badly. I have so many examples that I recollect and I realize I was trying to have a healthy mother/ daughter relationship with someone who doesn’t know what that is. I used to have compassion for my mom because of her past. But she just never had the love and compassion for me. She was always dismissive and still is. I remember reading a book about the difference between a confidante, comrade and constituent.What stood out to me was a confidante will cry with you and be happy with you. I just remember when my dad died my mom cried and I would cry with her when she was sad. I would try to make her laugh and cheer her up. I had my ahah moment when I was going through a divorce and I was crying and I couldn’t stop. My mom looked at me and asked what’s wrong with you? I replied that I felt like killing myself. She looked at me and said with a straight face you have a spiritual problem. I said I had been praying and she said God did not hear my prayers because I was no longer one of Jehovah’s witnesses. And that’s when I realized what I was dealing with. My mom tolerated me when she was angry with one her goons or when I gave her money. I didn’t have the wisdom and information that I have now. I could not describe it as I can now. I just knew something was wrong. And I did not feel connected.She used her children to attack me and she would always blow their behavior off. That’s why now my mom would tell her goon different things to attack the children she didn’t like. And they did her dirty work.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I totally undersand! Makes sense. I'm sorry you have had to experience this. And when religion, especially the wrong religion, is involved with the unhealthy family dynamic, you are likely to become the victim of complex PTSD and a host of other challenges. It sounds like you have found your way out of this.

[@walkbyfaithalways7698]

All of what she is saying sounds like my Mom and Siblings Wow! And it perhaps pass down to a lot of her grandkids as well. Sad😢

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Sometimes the behaviors from moms and grandmas can be passed down in intergenerational trauma. It can impact a family for years.

[@montena369]

Yup

[@stopwars8642]

Love the term refrigerator mom lol

[@Jasmin.M-hz5ty]

How would you call parents,who yells on theirs adoult 45 years old son,for not eating oversalted food,and then calling it spoiled child?

[@Elizabethpepper8]

My mother is like this. I realized a couple of years ago that my sister is the same, which shattered my world. Growing up, we filled that role for one another in a sense, so she was my prinary attachment. Being discarded by her opened my eyes. I began noticing the things i had perceived as love and care from her were actualy pathological envy, contempt, and sabotage.. Our mom used my trauma for her advangtage wh8cu made me the favorite, so i understand my sisters hatred.. After realizing the dark traid in my sister, i began seeing the truth with our mom which was easy to accept. My sister though? Killed a major part of me.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry you have had to experience this. 😩Sometimes the pain of reality is worse with a sibling. It depends on how close you are to that sibling.

[@Yanadew]

Question? How do you forgive when the malice continues?

[@laetitiavisagie-gg6kk]

My mother died in 2012 and I am still angry at her (at age 61) 😢

[@tarao4382]

💯💯💯

[@jennifersim3262]

❤

[@mac-ju5ot]

I loved my own mother but as a ex preschool teacher I saw other moms who were t accepting if the abuse me mom took...we are only talking verbal abusefrom my dad not too much. I grew up watching other moms but the divorced, over comoensating putting up with abuse. My relationships suffered from the examples.All of us lived her and miss her .I know it was the fifties so all forgiven .But today I'm stuck ...both economically and emotionally..therapy for dad was advised.But he refused to believe to believe the therapist.im stuck alone. There is a saying don't take criticism from those ud not advice from.. it's the siblings I think lost out .I tried to be there for them all but age sixteen I did my best to help them grow to be decent us man being I taught them to respect authority..I had a great psych advisors.. my siblings think I'm a monster No amount of my ney fixes that I live them they just don't feel attached to me.it hurts I try to mend. Broken fenches we are all very different but mom placed me in a difficult situtation

[@beefstew4698]

Hang in there Give it over to God; prayer changes things 🙏💕

[@walkbyfaithalways7698]

@Tamara Hall What about adult children who target their Mother and treat her with total meanest, and they all gain up on the Mom for no reason, although the Mom been a loving and supportive Mom their while life. They constantly harass etc. What do you think what's could be happening?

[@fairygurl9269]

Sorry I'm Late ✌😉

[@user-vi5to5wp2l]

If there is a difficult sibbling he has a gun felony charges against him and a DUI charge against him he on probation for he can not create problems for his own brother or brothers wife or kids this trueth.