OE Webinar #3: Partner Experience with Erin Wysong-Warren

Join us every second Wednesday for our Overcoming Enmeshment Webinars from 12pm-1pm Eastern Time! Learn from our workshop facilitators and ask questions regarding the struggles and successes of overcoming enmeshment.
Webinars:
overcomingenmeshment.com/webinars
Workshops:
overcomingenmeshment.com/workshops
TIMESTAMPS:
00:55 Erin's Introduction
2:16 Overview of Enmeshment
5:29 Symptoms of Enmeshment
9:00 Experience of the Partner
11:33 What you can do to help yourself as a partner of an enmeshed person
Q&A
19:23 How can I get my spouse to be more committed to me and the marriage?
20:36 How do I encourage my MEM to create a path in life without parenting them?
22:27 How do I handle the relationship with the family of origin/mother?
25:33 Where do you start with creating the boundaries?
27:32 What do I do if he lets his mom interfere with our dedicated time together?
28:52 Is there a general timeline for enmeshment recovery?
30:28 Is there a different plan of treatment for someone who is enmeshed and dealing with sex addiction?
31:16 Should I pressure the MEM to face enmeshment issues or insist that he goes to therapy?
32:36 What if the enmeshed parent is deceased?
33:39 Is there a difference between Mother Enmeshment and familial enmeshment?
36:17 What does the emancipation/individuation process look like?
38:31 What if the enmeshed partner refuses to go to therapy?
40:47 Is there specific characteristics of women who fall in love with enmeshed men?
44:19 Enmeshment in different cultures
49:50 Sexual anorexia and enmeshment
51:14 Resources on the website

[@AvocadoRoyalty]

I have lived as a second fiddle wife for over 26 years & even though his mommy is dead 2 years it never goes away & in fact it gets worse in a way because all of his guilt trippy feelings are magnified & he has become colder & isolated from me in ways I wasn’t expecting but after 26 plus years of this struggle it’s not even a struggle anymore I am simply disengaged myself from him now & fulfilling the religious vows we performed, I no longer have any expectations at this point because I thought maybe after his mommy was dead that I could be important in his life but he’s proven for the last time that he is a pitiful husband who aligns himself with “family cult” that could care less about him but he can’t help himself & I say this in hopes that it can enlighten anyone who thinks it can get better after death of mommy with the enmeshment but it doesn’t. I have moved on in other ways to enrich my life & no longer feel the same way about him & it’s a balancing act of being here physically & doing the chores & mentality & emotionally finding happiness & contentment in other ways but through God’s help I will be full of his love & grace.

[@thecleanfork1420]

I am so sorry to read this. Sending you love and healing.

[@SENSEF]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Thank you for helping others and answering a question I definitely have. I'm so sorry you know this the hard way. ❤

[@MissSarahGM]

I am grateful for this webinar, thank you for validating my experience as a partner of a 39 yo enmeshed man. It only lasted a few months but I poured all my heart in it and loved him. His doubts, fears, avoidance and volatility were confusing and I couldn't tell if he had CPTSD or BPD. Then, I realised how influenced and dependent on his mom and sister he was, talking about me and our relationship, as if they were building a case against me, instead of working things through between us. I had no chance. In the end, he ended it and it feels so unfair he dismissed his needs and desires, because he projected onto me his anger and resentment for the mom, and he doesn't connect the dots. His mom was so intrusive that she told me we should only meet once a month because "he's not ready".

[@DaisyAnnabelle65]

Horrible!

[@MissSarahGM]

@@DaisyAnnabelle65 Thank you. It was terrible. He sporadically contacted me and disappeared. A year ago he contacted me for my birthday, he was living at his parents... He wasn't direct, I don't know what he wanted. I didn't pursue and months later when he reached out again, I ignored because I wasn't sure about his intentions.

[@amandam2238]

Wow, your story echoes mine so much. He talked about our relationship with his mother as well. She said he should only see me once a fortnight. She couldn't understand why we were seeing each other so much. We were only seeing each other on weekends as I have a long commute to work during the week.

[@MissSarahGM]

@@amandam2238 Once he expressed sudden doubts about our relationship, I asked who are you talking to? And he responded I confide in my mother. How dysfunctional is that. Or it was the sister he complained to over the phone. The mother said to me he is not ready and she wondered why he was dating. It shocked me that she denied him human needs for connection. Also she talked about her life and said it is better to stay single and not have kids. Easy to see how her son was influenced by the negativity.

[@cd9368]

The length of time in a relationship with the enmeshed man (in this case with his dad, as his mom did not live with them). A partner to maintain healthly behaviors cannot last forever. At some point the healthy partner begins to unravel and healthy mechanisms begin to go away, as frustration, hurt, anger, resentment increase and sustain in healthier partner... While enmeshed partner makes no change. . In my case I was understanding of the situation, supportive, sensitive to the trauma and pain and hard spot he was in. The love, support, sensitivity, gentle and caring discussions to help move towards healthy boundaries was futile. So over time. . .my own trauma from my enmeshed partner and his family of origin system increased. My enmeshed partner however choses to not remember the support and love (even though the truth is that his family of origin system was highly traumatic in a huge ripple effect). My partner, instead of owning his own behavior or acknowledging the disruptive and hurtful behavior of his family of origin, continually choses to blame me. Every once in a while he will take responsibility for a very minor hurtful action, but never for the highly impactful behaviors of his own or family of origin. He will blow up over his father's and siblings depends, anger, rage, but then forget about it the next day. He will be angry with them for the entrapment and control and obligation all the time, but then forget all about it and return to pretend ways; meanwhile all the blame goes to ne. My ex partner still is running and will not fact the inside. If himself. I believe he is terrified.i also believe that his continual presence with them . . .prevents him from every getting well.

[@lauravanderbeek4811]

What if he hid the enmeshment before the marriage and was very affectionate but then after we married it was like someone turned of the light switch. He was instantly no longer affectionate.

[@ginag2375]

I heard in one of the Ken Adams videos that this is totally common for enmeshed men. (I apologize, I can’t remember the reason behind this.)

[@yavnikanegi094]

Happened with me, too! 😢

[@gigistrailsandtales7203]

They all do

[@mkosachuk6530]

This sounds alot like Asperger's....do you find a cross over? In other words the emmeshed spouse may be referred to be tested for ASD but the test comes up as a negative diagnoses. The next step sounds like it's really an emmeshed relationship situation. Couple's therapy is next to impossible with someone who has either of these. At least in my experience. 🙃

[@JS-eu3fr]

I’ve also had a long term relationship with one man who had ASD and then years later with a MEM 😢 Obviously something in my psychology makes me choose these harmful relationships

[@kathyjobresnock474]

Hello, The information provided is excellent and greatly appreciated. My other, in his fifties, I believe is enmeshed with his mother. He’s never been married, very sweet hearted man. Our relationship has been on again off again. It seems behind closed doors I must be an issue. In 5 years we’ve never spent a holiday together ironically we end up breaking it off. Seems convenient when I’m asking about our holiday plans together. Seems when I’m around his mom has a lot xtra long honey do list from her beyond the usual. Impulse control issues a definite with food. Sex , he has ED i believe as a result. I feel I’m never a priority and when I nicely confront him about this he gets defensive and makes me feel like this is crazy and his mother has no bearing on his issues. I feel as tho I’m unaware and if I call anything out he gaslights me for sure. I almost feel as tho am I losing my mind.

[@kathyjobresnock474]

I actually wonder do these men know they are emeshed with their moms. Are they in this much denial? I feel the only option for myself is to walk away and leave him deal with my loss . Since mom is priority and refuses to acknowledge it. Kind leaves me no choice other than walk away and move on for myself.

[@XeaRae]

Where is content for women who experienced enmeshment growing up?! Everything posted is either for men who experienced enmeshment or their female partners. We exist too!

[@drkenadams]

Many enmeshment symptoms/experiences are similar in men and women. That being said, we will be doing webinars that will focus specifically on women's enmeshment experience in the future! If you are on our mailing list, I can send you the info once that is announced! We also have women geared workshops and surveys, which you can find here: overcomingenmeshment.com/workshops

[@peiandaustin]

@@drkenadams Hello is the women workshop designed for enmeshed daughters, or women whose partners are enmeshed?

[@drkenadams]

@@peiandaustin Hi Pei, the Women Finding Freedom Workshop is intended for women who are struggling with enmeshment themselves. We are however, working on an enmeshment workshop for partners of enmeshed men as well. You can find more information on our workshops here: overcomingenmeshment.com/workshops

[@Kittyququmber]

Soft start ups to a denying MEM sends him into a major angry response and doctorate defensive degree in gas-lighting.

[@vickilynn9514]

It’s as if male enmeshment is more common, which I don’t believe is true. I was looking forward to this talk as I understood that it would be more daughter focused. The nuances are very different for women and involve the larger patriarchy. I wish you would speak more about women’s experience, this is very neglected by Dr Adams. I also think his take on sexualised energy between mothers and daughter is flagrantly wrong, it does happen and is deeply damaging

[@randyw7237]

That’s a good point. Mothers often make their daughters feel as if they need to uphold traditional female roles. We are often expected to tolerate being objectified by men, to have bodies/looks that align with what is most valued in the patriarchy. It makes it hard to find our voice as adult women who have different values from our mothers.

[@happygucci5094]

I agree wholeheartedly- the role of a partner is inherently suffused with a tacit or implicit sexual energy- that is the distinguishing factor of partnered relationships. very well said.

[@Peem_pom]

he's explained several times why he sees more men than women. and he's apologised so many times and has expressed his desire to have more women clients.