OE Webinar #1: What is Enmeshment? With Jon Taylor

[@Viktor_Rafael]

Thank so so much for this. My husband is enmeshed with his 79 year old mother, who lives with us. He even shares a bedroom with her because she “is too afraid to be alone”. After watching this series, I can clearly see how this is a dysfunctional system between them- and I am the outsider/ threat to their bond and therefore, the enemy. My husband has clearly said many times if it came down to it he would choose his mother over me. With this clarity and understanding I have now decided to file a divorce. I have been living this nightmare for 3 years. No more!

[@randyw7237]

Wow! That's so good that you recognized this is a dead end relationship. I wish I had known about this issue 25 years ago when I entered a marriage with an enmeshed man. I wouldn't have blamed myself and wasted so much of my life. The frustration and grief has now caused him to attack me verbally and physically several times. Heartbroken beyond words. Your courage to move forward gives me strength to stay cool and be in control of my fear about what will happen in counseling we are setting up after extreme resistance.

[@reneedwards1082]

How long have u been married?

[@Viktor_Rafael]

@@reneedwards1082 going on 4 years now

[@missmarymack3457]

Wow that is crazy.

[@jenniferchamberland5872]

I have been married to a man for 32 years and always felt 2nd place to his single mother since he was nine years old when his father died. He was sent to all the private schools and made his mother very proud. When we dated he made me feel like a princess but once we married he always protected his mother over me. We had three children and still his mother only wants him to help her out. She is now 97 years old and lives 5 mins away. She demonstrated a dislike towards me and still he protected her at the same time felt pulled in both directions. I moved out because it was too much and she was catered by him first, leaving me alone always. Now we are apart and I do feel the love from him at the same time pulled back to his mother. I am so triggered by this . I want him to be there for her at the same finally put “us” first. He refuses to acknowledge this with me because this is how he was brought up. I have so much hostility towards his mother and I feel he is the victim. What do I do about this moving forward?

[@natasharaad3409]

Wait it out right .. how long could she possibly live still

[@randyw7237]

@@natasharaad3409 what a difficult situation. Congratulate and be proud that you moved out and are taking care of yourself and your children. Use that momentum to create happiness without him and when she passes ( hopefully soon for you), you will have a solid self so he can't manipulate your feelings and you get your needs met on your terms.

[@claudiadogan-coles8519]

I had a very similar situation for a much shorter time and I cannot imagine going through that for 32 years. I felt like trash-totally forgotten about, second tier, whatever you want to call it. And it was so frustrating because he called it love/closeness and ultimately I am SO grateful I saved myself from a life like that because the only person it truly fulfilled was his mother. He says and believes that it makes him happy but he also has never known anything else and it’s his choice not to want to seek out help. There’s nothing else I could do except choose myself and thank god I did 🙏

[@missmarymack3457]

I know the feeling. Im living separate from my husband because of the witch of a mother n law I have. Her manipulation and guilt trip tactics drives my husband to drink because he is to weak to say no. I truly feel sorry for him and what he is going through! It’s sad that women can be so manipulative and jealous regarding their sons

[@6955beniegn]

yes, thanks for this, good explanation, I'm a mother enmeshed man, went over a decade as sexual anorexia, no job, depression, excessive taking care of single mother, I'm in recovery and doing better now, also read dr. adams book, 'when he is married to mom'

[@charm6531]

Such an Excellent Resource!! Thank You!!

[@brandongrill2767]

Good for you! Keep going!

[@6955beniegn]

@@brandongrill2767 thanks

[@liezeltheron6221]

Thank you for this. My husband is enmeshed with his parents, more his mom. Everything you explained here is how it is and reacts and say.

[@drkenadams]

Hi Liezel, I hope our videos and website are helpful for you! If you would like to learn more, please visit our website, overcomingenmeshment.com for more videos, podcasts, therapists trained in enmeshment, and workshops.

[@erinstearns7265]

This man is a genius.

[@backupnotafamouslady]

I wish there was an aftermath video for the partners who are still married to the enmeshed partner, fully aware of the issue but unable to do the work. As made clear here, it's internal, not just external of cutting ties where needed, if needed since each scenario is different, but internal healing and work. My husband is fully aware and seemed to be on board for quite some time with what his life was and what he wants it to be and who he wants to be. It's been a couple years now and he is worse to me and us than he has ever been. Instead of discovering this problem and having any type of launching point to acknowledge, grieve, grow and heal from it so we could then start doing the necessary work and healing for us as a couple, it has become his daily anger now instead which he tries to mask, and obviously the anger is a mask for sadness, but he wears an anger mask that seems to grow stronger and stronger each day with a vision of me as his mother in his mind and he will punish me weird acting out like an indignant or defiant teenager. The sentences and the logic all regress. Everything turns into poor him and how I'm the bad guy. Sometimes it's almost like he recreates his parents marriage and makes me him which is difficult to explain because I am a grown woman but that is sometimes what it seems like. It's like he steps into their personalities and recreates the havoc of his home and I get to feel the pain he experienced. This is a fairly new development. Usually it's just misdirected anger at me through a blurred lens of mom glasses he wears. I don't know how long someone is supposed to wait because I don't want someone I love to feel like I gave up on them at the same time, there's no guarantee anything will swing a better direction without fear of having to deal and learn to cope.....a skill that is lacking in general from all of this.

[@backupnotafamouslady]

Also, I'd love to feel important on my birthday. It's today and here I am on this video trying to remind myself I didn't do this.

[@nim6776]

This sums up my exact life! He's enmeshed with his sister and his father. The mother is the 'bad mom' because the mom decided to stand up for herself and divorced his dad. Because of this, all the anger is directed at me. At times, I got scolded like I was his child, while at other times, I was his mother who was supposed to take care of him. The enmeshment between the father and the sister got me sick to my stomach. I'm planning for my exit now. Wish me luck. And I hope you love yourself first, more than any other. This type of people won't change. Period.

[@delmadonoghue283]

Thank you what a relief, I am not alone in this situation

[@drkenadams]

Hi Delma, I am happy that our resources have been helpful for you. For more resources including therapists trained in enmeshment, partners of enmeshment workshops, and enmeshed individuals workshops, please visit overcomingenmeshment.com

[@reneedwards1082]

I'm currently in a 22yr marriage to a husband who is completely enmeshed with his mum and two sisters, I've got resentful as they have been nasty to me in the past and I'm often over anxious around them as he doesn't stick up for me, he has made me completely co dependant as he didn't want me working, took over my bank accounts and runs my life. Through mere exhaustion I have aloud it and even prescribed medicine to keep me quiet and calm. My opinion on matters concerning every day life are berated infant oof my two sons and I am only aloud to discuss "appropriate" subjects like the color of the roses. I am an avid researcher and reader of philosophy which I too cannot discuss. I have every financial materialistic need met by him but find my life quite lonely at times as I'm not allowed to share thoughts.

[@makaras]

Oh my god... 13:45 to 14:10 may explain why I as an enmeshed 48 yo male living with 80 yo mother is not THAT interested in getting married or having a girlfriend...because one is possibly feeling marriage will be more an obligation than something pleasant...thanks for the eye opener as to why I both want and also don't want marriage. And why I fear having a relationship

[@drkenadams]

I'm glad our resources are helpful in your journey. If you are looking for additional resources such as therapists, workshops, or other blog posts, please visit our website at overcomingenmeshment.com.

[@makaras]

@@drkenadams Many thanks 🙂

[@Thrillingg]

Thank you so much for this video, Jon!

[@beyondtheircontrol]

churches and congregations can be enmeshed as well. no separation or individual thought is allowed😢. thanks for your post.

[@happygucci5094]

i hope that there is a section on emmeshed women with mothers- it happens!

[@drkenadams]

We have a webinar focused on women's enmeshment that will be coming out shortly! We also have women-focused resources on our website: overcomingenmeshment.com

[@happygucci5094]

@@drkenadams Dr. Adams I am looking forward to this! Thank you for your response - this is such import work.

[@jenniferchamberland5872]

Ps. He is a caring guy, very sensitive to criticism, cannot talk about emotions, gets frustrated and angry with problems from his mother but continues to make sure all her needs are taken care of. He loves me yet I feel I have been in a 3 person marriage with me being the underdog. How can I feel not angry and robbed from a healthy functioning marriage?

[@missmarymack3457]

My goodness I feel your pain

[@damienhunt4264]

It is important to note that some cultures promote enmeshment. For example, Latin American culture.

[@happygucci5094]

this is horrifyingly familiar. too familiar. hearing someone describe with eerie precision my life.

[@19katsandcounting]

My fiancé seems to be enmeshed with both parents, but mostly his dad. Is that odd?

[@JozeyRa]

Hello, appreciate you so much for these series. Do you have any information on enmeshed siblings?

[@ashanein]

This would be so helpful! Great suggestion

[@eaglewindspirit]

My best friend died from emmeshment. He was his alcoholics borderline moms (girl she couldn't have) emmeshed buddy. His dad was distant from her (and children) so she made my friend her girlfriend buddy. This screwed up with identity and he struggled with his sexual indentity to the point he could not make it in any releationship. He would pick alholic women and then would switch to unavailable men. He hung himself in his california condo and was a very sad event in my life. He would often become aloof and wouldn't return calls or emails. He was very emmeshed and had a choatic attachment style.

[@stephenfiore9960]

1x(3/13/23)….5:00…

[@elyse443]

The parents who do this to their children are sooooo sick.

[@theraven231]

It's like the more you learn about it the more sad it is for that child growing up into adulthood...if you love something let it go! Literally

[@jenniferchamberland5872]

Pss. She has abandoned many people in her life including me, his wife. If he puts boundaries on him, she will abandon him , she is 97 years old and due to being anti social, she has no one else to help her out and be with during her few years left in her life.

[@reneedwards1082]

I have the same. My mum in law is 91 and the excuse is always, this might be her last weekend, holiday, birthday, Christmas, Easter on and on and now traveling abroad with her to go see her other grand children. I'm always told she won't live long, for the past 23 years triangulated marriage?

[@nononouh]

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