Power Phrases for Toxic People: Backstabbers and Gossips

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These Power Phrases for Toxic People Backstabbers and Gossips is taken from Dan's New course, How to Stand up for Yourself at Work.
Let's break down today's lesson:
0:00 Intro
0:02 Danger Phrase: There's something you should know
0:04 Danger Phrase: There's something I should tell you
0:28 The gossip
0:40 The I don't know/I do know
2:30 The boss who throws you under the bus
4:15 Calling People Out at Work
4:45 Who do I want to be?
5:10 Assume everyone is telling the truth
5:54 Don't take it personally
6:33 The I don't know I do know again
7:30 What these scripts are really designed to do
7:45 Form vs. Substance
8:30 Remembering Who We Are
9:24 Difficult Moments
9:40 The Sliver in Time
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Being a big believer in listening to what the world is telling you to do rather than telling the world what you’d like to do, once he received enough suggestions to get into teaching, Dan started teaching on the elementary level at Harland Johnson Del Bosque before becoming a professor at Autonoma University Guadalajara, and ultimately taking his unique teaching style to the world with Dan O’Connor Training.
Dan divides his time between the United States and Mexico, where he lives just outside of Guadalajara, in a lakeside village nestled in the Sierra Madres. It is there that Dan lives to spoil his two Springer Spaniels-Maggie Mae, his material girl If you have watched Dan’s videos on the 5 languages of love, appreciation, and respect you’ll know, and the four-legged relationship hero that’s changing the course of communication history: Buddy the Dog.
Dan can be reached at [e-mail]. You can learn more about him and his training on his website, www.DanOConnorTraining.com, or you can call him at 877-570-1573

[@TheWizardOfWords]

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[@rashaski]

Being a person of integrity is key for this stuff to work.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Being a person of integrity is key. Yes.

[@birnak1512]

I wish there was more of Us. Integrity is rare.

[@StickyIky]

Unfortunately it’s Becoming a rare quality... as rare as common sense

[@thekingsdaughter4233]

@@StickyIky but that's something we each can work on. :-) I cannot change the other person, but I can work towards not giving them a foothold. * thumbs-up *

[@bugsea54]

I love this guy! I'm a communications major and a couple years ago I ha a mental health crisis and realized my job, my family and my friends were all neglectful, abusive, and causing all my stress. I could not communicate properly any more , I just disconnected with them all and found a new job that I'm very happy with. My therapist kept telling me why are you not communicating with them?. I guess because gas lighting and head games just made me feel it wasn't going to change anything. Now I'm in a new beginning in life and these videos are really helping me when I meet new people .

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Very happy to hear that, bugsea :)

[@InHisSservice]

I love what your overall focus is. "Remember who you are."

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Yes, I think that is vitally important to a peaceful life and approach to others.

[@esmereldapinchon1422]

It wasn’t meant for my ears. That’s beautiful.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

So often people get bent out of shape when they overhear or see or read something not meant for them to hear or see or read. Overhearing has destroyed more than one relationship.

[@cbutler81168]

I don't know why I'm getting this video recommended to me. But, I do know that I damn sure needed it! Thank you!!!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I don't know why you need it, Grits, but I do know that I believe you when you say you do :)

[@lizzchoate]

Love this! I've always said "What others think of me is none of my business".

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Good idea because it IS none of their business.

[@lethiapage4767]

So direct. So beautiful. No wiggle room for an asshole who gets their mess served back to them.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Uhhhhh, yes.

[@anne-mariekerr4154]

aye

[@mfar3016]

Why oh why couldn’t I have learned this as a teen! It would’ve saved me so much Lunchroom drama as well as a ton of toxic family turmoil!!! It likely would’ve come in a bit handy in the workplace.

[@unknowninfinium4353]

Dan the last part took me by surprise. I came here for your amazing content and advices but that last part of remembering who we are. That's deep Dan. Never it would occur but its profoundly deep. Thank you for reminding us that. That's the substance.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Yes, it is, Akshay.

[@sierraluster7931]

You're a genius at this❤

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Like all of us, Sierra, I'm trying to do my best.

[@artjordan]

Facts

[@PlanetC64]

This is therapy in & of itself. You are helping me with that Sliver In Time that comes up like on a weekly basis

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Happy to help, Planet C64.

[@kfin2287]

Holy... Never mess with a high IQ articulate gay man. Some of thier social awareness and ability to surgically dissect the context of a situation/conversation is second to none!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Is it OK to mess with a high IQ articulate straight man?

[@kfin2287]

Yeah I get your point. I geuss it's the presentation of the articulation it's a good thing. Some people say stereotypically but a say statistically, it dose not matter if the pretence if from a impartial view

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I say never mess with an Irishman with black hair or anyone whose last name begins with O'C. I think that's the ticket.

[@kfin2287]

Very good response. I rest my case 👌😅

[@charlottehanna790]

I love 5his man.

[@denisehannon2505]

Oh my goodness, I am laughing so loud. I needed a real, belly laugh. Around the seven minute mark you put your glasses back on and made a comment about being, "so service oriented; it's making you sick." It caught me in a way that I can't stop laughing. I greatly appreciate your videos and advice.

[@michelepascoe6068]

Listening to this is balm to my soul. I taught my children to nip gossip in the bud by saying, "Have you talked to (whomever they're backstabbing) about it?" And never to say anything about someone which you wouldn't say in front of them. I love your words that you will be letting the person know what was said about them. And saying what you know and don't know about it all. Talking about people behind their backs destroys reputations and relationships.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Your children are lucky to have you, Michele.

[@Onlineintrovert]

Great video! Had a situation like this yesterday. It took a lot of self-restraint to not get angry and start defending. I am glad I had patience and saw through the person’s tactics to see their intentions. I’m usually an emotional person but I was able to have self awareness in that moment and was able to remember my principles and values. Alhamdulilah!

[@tiablasangoriti8347]

This is BRILLIANT! Wow! This is how it's done. Dan you are the communication Ninja.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, Bill. I appreciate your comment. Years ago I self-styled myself as a Ninja. Now I'm an old warrior :)

[@papermason]

I get so much out of your videos Dan. Just having the words to say and to be more self-possessed at work. Thank you.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're very welcome, Papermason. If I can help you with your self-confidence and feelings of well-being, I'm grateful.

[@hannahdavis7]

Every video I’ve ever watched on your channel includes a valuable lesson that beautifully changes my perspective. Our perspective is our power right? Either way, thank you. The love in me salutes the love in you.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

The love in me salutes you right back Hannah.

[@lunarae8037]

Dan! Just sat down with one of the. Boss people today because of the silly social behaviors. Your videos helped me have the confidence to be kind but still stand up for my own power to be treated well and take responsibility for my own things. You’re advice is gold, thank you for helping me change my outlook for the better you make a difference

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks for taking a moment to report in. It's much appreciated, Lunarae.

[@bambina3148]

You have helped me so much with confidence and the ability to make my point without going in all guns blazing. Thank you so much Dan ❤️

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Well put, Bambina--"without guns blazing."

[@MsActor2009]

The most awesome supervisor I had didn’t like tattletales and the weakest supervisor I had encouraged it!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I can easily believe that. Any good leader encourages people working together, not spying on one another.

[@thekingsdaughter4233]

Listening to this with a racing heart. You have no idea how much I needed this! I should have known this many, MANY years ago, but better now than never. Holidays with The Narc may be coming up...

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Whoa! Slow that heart rate down. Now you have some tools for those narcs.

[@kb8511]

Me too. I feel anxious thinking about saying this to someone I really need to. He is a narcissist and he is very manipulative and is making me look like a terrible person.

[@annie9924]

I needed this two years ago, but still can and will use it!! U r amazing and so helpful.

[@tarabilbo3280]

I LOVED this video so much I listened to it twice this morning. I’m so glad I found your channel here because I feel like listening to you helps me. Thank you 😊

[@rochellepfeifer5752]

Thank you Dan! I need to remember who I am…. I needed to hear you today ❤️💋

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're welcome, Rochelle.

[@alecianewman4226]

Thank you for these messages. I need them more than I can explain. You ROCK!!!

[@jennymaldonado5472]

I think you just gave the truth. Remember who we are. All love, kindness, patience, forgiveness and boldness. That's why we have two ears and one mouth.

[@fourthgirl5028]

Thank you for your direct yet gentle approach. It stopped me in my tracks and took the knot out of my stomach. During that sliver in time, pause before speaking took on a whole new meaning for me.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Wonderful! That sliver in time can be a game changer.

[@prettyladie8327]

I’ve struggled with communicating my needs & feelings without becoming angry or being seen as the bad guy….This helped….

[@neena9202]

There are so few people that think critically like this! Ive lost a few friends due to someone lying and gossiping about me

[@TheWizardOfWords]

We need a little critical thinking, combined with mindful communication, of course.

[@amydolan2973]

Dan, thank you for sharing your knowledge and skills. The point of “you don’t even know”, is exactly the situation I’m facing. These videos have really helped to frame that actually this is a learning opportunity for me! The books are ordered! Thank you again.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are welcome, Amy, and I hope the books prove valuable to you.

[@gwenstein5517]

Thank you so much Dan. I love all your videos. "Remember who you are" so true ! ❤🤗❤

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are so welcome, Gwen :)

[@consciousequus]

This one gets them to walk away for good: " thank you! You obviously care a lot for my best interests to relay this vicious gossip to me..& because you care , what to you say to them about that? "

[@sage_forensics_2261]

This advice is both beautifully said and brilliant! It is applicable to so many situations, too! I just found your channel yesterday, and I could not be more pleased! I am learning so much already, and I look forward to more. Thank you! 🙏

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Happy to help, Sage, and welcome aboard.

[@allenstenis9911]

Dan you are amazing! Because of your vids I was able to stand up to some terrible workplace bullies.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you so much for telling me that, Allen. You've made my week.

[@OmniZero1178]

Thank you for the lesson. I have struggled with communication barriers for awhile now in fact most of my life, not gonna point fingers but instead be thankful I found your channel. Have a nice day

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Glad it was helpful and please stay tuned for many more Galaxy.

[@coratn9679]

Thank you Dan! I have learned a lot from you over the past few years.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

We're always learning, right Cora N? There is no dog-paddling. We're either learning or sinking.

[@Kakes6817]

I learn something new every time I watch his videos. Dan is fantastic & the best channel I watch on KZbin!

[@MonicaRicciCoach]

Dan I love this video so much! The way you closed it reminds me of the thing I keep hearing myself say this year to clients and in speaking engagements, which is, "We are born perfect, gifted, and filled with a divine inner knowing. As we grow up, the world quiets, obscures and diminishes those things, and some of them we hide from ourselves. Then we reach a point where we spend the rest of our lives trying to find them again." Bless you and this wonderful work you do. Happy Holidays to you and your family, including your frightfully perfect sister. 😅

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, Monica, and I love your quote. Thank you for the holiday wishes, and I wish you a happy holiday as well. As for that sister--she's a figment of my imagination and as you can see, my imagination is quite vivid. No, my only sibling is Marty and he's nothing like that sister in my head :)

[@6ense]

You, sir, are an amazing human being. Thank you for caring about people this much.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

6ENSE, you are welcome. I believe all people, all living creatures are valuable and should be treated with respect, reverence, and love. Our words should be as loving as possible because they have lasting impact.

[@nolickspittle4753]

Absolutely wonderful! Well done! I know someone who starts telling people things and then stops midway and say I shouldn't really be telling you this. And when then asked what they are on about they say they shouldn't be involved. So why did they open their big mouth to create? Because they are a "toxic back stabber!" They've done it for 70+ years!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Anyone who is speaking and then adding "I shouldn't be telling you this is suspect." Surprise this individual sometime by saying "I agree and therefore I don't want to hear it." Then walk away.

[@adinasalina9037]

You are extraordinary dan.. I have been following you for last 3 years. I think your youtube channel is quite under rated. You deserve 10M subscribers, I swear. We all love you anyways & you know that 💕

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Please spread the word and encourage others to do the same and we'll reach that 10M someday. Hopefully I live to see it. :)

[@k.c.7.]

Thankyou!! Your videos are so helpful in building confidence and communication skills, much appreciated!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are so welcome, Karen.

[@GillyMaid100]

I am new here today and have subscribed. Thank you so much for inspiring confidence with difficult conversations, delivery is key. Dan, this should be taught in School.s. This style of communication is vital. Very best wishes to you 💖

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Many thanks, Emma, and yes, it should be taught in schools. There are so many things that should be taught in schools!

[@Mary-fq6sm]

Appreciate the video. It makes me rethink why I allow toxic people’s comments to go unacknowledged or unchallenged. In the moment I’m too shocked or emotional to respond thoughtfully. Also your thumbnail picture is fab!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, Mary :)

[@jennyanderson4796]

I dont listen enough to these ....REMEMBERING Who we Are! .... Is the first ah ha moment that your teaching/ explaining with such dignity respect & civility , I feel the love , pretty neat for a rainy Monday evening - thanks good man!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are most welcome, Jenny.

[@puffsleeveskindagirl]

Thank you so much for these channel Dan!!!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're very welcome puffsleeveskindagirl.

[@emaria7244]

So powerful. Thank you.

[@tamaraweed3124]

Thank you so much for these videos. I wish I would have found them when I was young I’ve hurt a lot of people and embarrassed myself. I’m going to be a wonderful student and learn all I can with these videos 🥰

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Great to hear, Tamara :)

[@quirkyramona3600]

Dan, you are brilliant and bright! I get such a kick out of your quick wit and humor. You seem genuine. I'm working on watching your informative, helpful videos back to back. I've experienced many people in the past and present who exhibit toxic behaviors, sadly now with a new roommate. I practice being a person of integrity and treat people with kindness, so like to watch your videos because they help me respect others while stating my boundaries in a clear concise way, without reacting, just responding. I truly thank you for your great service and feel positive that there are many others who do too. Keep up the good work!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Many thanks, Quirkyramona. In terms of being genuine--I can tell you that what you see is what you get :) :)

[@quirkyramona3600]

@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks for your reply Dan. I honor your light.

[@gypsyruth6336]

Dan, You are such a loving man who has blessed my life with enlightenment. I DID FORGET who I am. I believed that I could never again be the lady I once was. You have given me hope. I can turn around anytime, I just needed the words. Thank you 🙏 Gypsy

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are so welcome, Gypsy :) :)

[@k2mskillsdevelopmentsoluti700]

Amazing Video, I so needed this lesson today! Wise Words

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks and I hope you subscribed and share, K2M.

[@rosyo9304]

Yes, there is power in our words! And yes, we do need to be careful with our words because words can definitely hurt, but they can also heal, uplift, and encourage.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Absolutely, Rosy.

[@CJ-jq4lv]

Another keeper video I’ll watch over and over. Thanks💕

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Great!

[@ponytail911]

Truth is spoken here! So blessed by you!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I hope so, Ponytail. :)

[@zaidaabdulla7414]

Wow this is awesome advice ! Thank you

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, Zaida. Please share these videos.

[@veronicamitchell9378]

I appreciate this, I need to practice the ‘I don’t know/I do know’. In the example with the folder & server, I would adjust my wording from ‘I’m sorry it wasn’t clear’ to, ‘thank you for providing me the opportunity to clarify’.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Great tip, VeRonica.

[@Aprojoy]

Great video Dan!! 👏👏👏

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, April. Please share!

[@Heallove24]

OMGosh, this is soooo relevant for me! Thank you

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're so welcome, Ro Brockway.

[@reneedesrosiers7447]

You are so helpful! Thank you 😊

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're so welcome!

[@mariarichards5221]

remember who we are.. and the words that impact our cosmic footprint. 🙏❤🌹thankyou and thankyou again.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're twice welcome, Maria.

[@a.c.9993]

..."cosmic footprint"...I love that! So true.

[@somer0703]

The spiritual office conflict repair man😇🤣❤ You are just a diamond! X

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Well thank you llona.

[@tcroshon70]

The O'Jays said that a long time ago:"They smile in your face,all the time they want to take your place! The backstabbers!"

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Right on.

[@lisathelonelyballerina1580]

Fantastic video Dan. Thank you from The UK!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you from Mexico and Fargo, North Dakota Lisa!

[@AZTigerMMA]

Powerful words . Thank you

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks for listening, AZ.

[@5maz]

I love your approach to life Dan

[@WitmanClan]

I wish I knew of your channel back in 2017. What a difference this kind of knowledge would have made! Thank you for sharing 🎉❤🎉

[@8910d]

Thank you ❤

[@prissypacheco2860]

Yes be prepared is good advice. I need to prepare myself more. I work in an office here in Chicago and it gets pretty fierce, and even more so after the pandemic. The office environment is even more toxic than before since lower sales and people getting laid off. Backstabbing left and right, mean comments and rude comments. I really like the cost / benefit analysis. It makes me think before I speak in a lot of situations.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

The cost/benefit analysis can save you a WORLD of hurt, Prissy.

[@prissypacheco2860]

@@TheWizardOfWords ☺️

[@prissypacheco2860]

@@TheWizardOfWords I listen to your videos on my drive to work each morning..

[@HeavenlyLights]

I don’t know why you told me that but I do know it was not meant to make me feel good so why did you tell me that? 👊🏻

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Perfect!

[@HeavenlyLights]

Great. Especially for passive aggressive coward sniper shots.

[@kimmyfromclt]

OMG….I just found your channel! I love you! Your just what the doctor ordered. TY

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Welcome aboard, Kim.

[@Merdle]

You sly little philosopher. True love and our connection to the cosmos. I heard that ; ) Teacher and Guru !

[@stephanieshea9508]

As always, wonderful advice

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you, Stephanie. Please share this video with friends--or backstabbers :)

[@janedoe3827]

Thank you!

[@lulumoon6942]

The editing and voices is not only entertaining but really helps understand things better! 👍😎🤣

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Glad to hear it! Thank you for letting me know that, Lulu.

[@Frances270]

Thank you so much for all the great content man! I love how you make it comedic! LMAO

[@TheWizardOfWords]

My pleasure, Todd.

[@AndreaHillcreator]

You are point on with this video!

[@jessicacooper2582]

At work I have been a witness to someone equal to me, agree to help with our supervisors paperwork. Supervisor leaves. Night shift supervisor walks in. That equal that agreed to help with supervisor paperwork complain about our supervisor to the nightshift supervisor. Extremely uncomfortable for me to witness. I heard everything. But kept my nose down on my paperwork. The nightshift supervisor supported our supervisor, thank goodness. This equal is so toxic. I told my supervisor what she did to her behind her back. And my equal refers to themselves in the third person in all conversations. Super odd. The general consensus is this person is vying for our supervisors position and usurps their authority and tattles on her and others based on her "name here, is a rule follower". We are all like over here actually working and our equal is usurping and walking off the job on the constant, avoiding work and whispering into upper management ears. I'm putting in my two weeks. Just done with this person.

[@birnak1512]

Love that! All of it!!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks, Birna.

[@murphyshsu]

This was SO GOOD! A new tool in my communication toolbox.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Happy to hear that, murphyshsu.

[@rebeccamoore4177]

That was powerful, especially at the end.

[@InfiniteMindset99]

Outstanding!

[@silvercarolina4045]

Lmao at "...I DON'T KNOW where I'll be working next week." 🤣🤣🤣🤣 OMG you're so valuable AND entertaining!💗

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thanks for listening hard enough to get it, Silver :) :)

[@anaj0s]

Your hair looks great!!!

[@_serreina]

Thanks Papa Dan🥲 Good stuff!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

OMIGOD, am I at the "grandfatherly" stage? Judging by my nephew, I guess I am. (: (: (:

[@corrinetomlyanovich305]

You are so awesome. Thank you so much.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are so welcome, C orrine.

[@coratn9679]

I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ but I do know

[@TheWizardOfWords]

:)

[@sophieshen6886]

I love these videos. And learn a lot how to handle these horrible people (including my toxic father).thanks❤

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are welcome, Sophie.

[@AnaliseFrank]

Omg that is so funny. Good examples!!

[@ivanagurrera8769]

Freaking love this episode!!

[@ivanagurrera8769]

He is master!!

[@vtjmproductionsusa2390]

You are absolutely fascinating, Thank you so much for the educational videos. With out doubt you have a Five Star🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Channel. 👍

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Many thanks, V

[@seriousstrawberry3064]

Love this!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you, amy.

[@joanneturnbull5640]

Thank you 🙏

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You’re welcome 😊 Joanne.

[@ellejay1680]

Wonderful.

[@lorettadavis2195]

When a person stop gossipping and comes from among gossipping people thats when you know you became their enemy. Sometimes it could be personal. I would ignore them until things die down and the next time some one bring gossip walk away.🙏🙏🙏

[@lethiapage4767]

One of my fav things to say when people try to fill me full of crap is...i dont believe you. The response is usually pretty priceless because nooooobody likes being called out on their crap.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

It's direct and why not? If people are truly BS'ing and you know it for sure--it's a quick call-out.

[@claddaghclare22]

Briliant.

[@joyceandrews8094]

Thanks for helping me to respond with dignity !

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Happy to help!

[@DemocracyIsNotASpectatorSport]

Don't hesitate to do this, he's right. Do. Not. Hesitate. #AtTheKnees

[@eileennovak1656]

👏👏👏 Excellent~ thanks

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you for letting me know what you think, Eileen. And please share this video :)