"I LIED TO MY THERAPIST..." ep.54 Ask Kati Anything

[@mareikeschaufele6741]

todays episode was soo good, I feel like I could relate to so many questions 🥰

[@nisafinnegan]

*Timestamps:* 3:17 I feel like I don't understand the point of our day. Not in a "what is the meaning of life" sort of way. But I struggle to not feel shame about being unproductive when I am not at work or working out. If I only did two things I'd deem "productive" it doesn't feel like enough. Is watching tv... 19:24 I wanted to ask if your clients are aware of your online presence? I am mainly thinking of clients with attachment issues. For me personally I am super attached to my therapist but she does not have social media, or at least I don’t think she does, but I started to imagine if you were my therapist I’d be... 23:12 I was wondering why my suicidal thoughts often get worse when I am doing well instead of when I get worse. I struggle with anxiety and depression if that matters. Yesterday I had a... 28:45 Struggling w/ physical intimacy. I have never been a very physical person. I struggle with the negative automatic thought that all men really want is sex. And everything else is just a means to and end. I am now in a... 35:33 How do therapists handle clients who aren’t honest?? (either because they are too sick to see reality or not ready to face certain things). If a family member of a client like this called with... 40:22 Can you parentify yourself as a child? I seem to have learned from a very early age that I need to be strong and sort of hold things together. But I don't think that my parents ever... 45:35 Could you talk about self sabotage in relation to recovery from mental illness? I recently started antidepressants for the first time and thought that I was starting to feel more clear headed and more able to get out of bed. However, everything quickly spiraled when one evening I struggled with a series of really... 52:34 What can I do to build up more self confidence? I suffer from depression and had to quit my job a few months ago because of that. I went to university and got into financial problems as a result... 58:13 Is it normal for a therapist to not give any tools whatsoever? I've been with my psychologist since October(she's my first) and I feel like she never handed me any tools to cope with the anxiety and depressive symptoms. In January, because of AKA, I had a big realization that I was emotionally neglected as a child. We talked about that for... 1:03:23 I am someone who struggles with being direct and I expect the other person to just know when they have caused unintentional hurt to me or crossed a boundary. When I don't communicate it to them, I end up getting really angry and resentment starts to build up until I explode in the last moment leading to a terrible fight... 1:12:50 What to do when everything around you is triggering? For example: music, movies, even workbooks that talk about the things I need to work on. How to move forward since I can't even work on myself without being triggered? Maybe I'm too obsessive...

[@nikkimckay860]

Nisa Finnegan. As always thanks for the time stamps

[@liv8121]

Thanks so much for doing this! 💗

[@svntn]

you’re god sent

[@helioobianchi]

Thank you very much 🙏

[@montanagirl9331]

I’m over 18. I’ve lied to my therapist so they think I’m doing better than I am. I’m not sure why. I finally admitted it to him. I was really embarrassed, but glad I finally told him.

[@tatianahawaii13]

It’s ok ❤️

[@nikolaiclement9342]

I have a bad habit of doing that making everyone think I’m ok but I’m not, how ever I haven’t told my therapist yet. I’m glad you told yours, good on you

[@svntn]

exact same thing happened to me this month.. really don’t know why i struggle so much to be honest about how i feel..

[@ytb8361]

I used to lie to therapists telling them I am doing better and they are doing well because their therapy was so abusive and they were making me feel guilty to say they were abusive and causing me every illness in the dsm they could cause me by linking those thought distortions to ocd I had.

[@ababy6074]

​@@svntn probably because not all our thoughts are polite. Nobody's are. I feel like this happens to me too. People need to hear the truth though.

[@lisasnoozy3749]

As someone on disability I can really relate, but I have an amazing therapist who helped me learn to accept I need it. I'm so glad you are talking about this and defining productivity.🥰

[@askkatianything]

QUESTION FOR YOU: Does this episode's audio sound better to you than the last AKA? We are experimenting with the sound in post-production to make it clearer for headphones... Let us know if the audio is better or meh.... :)

[@elizabethbed649]

On my earphones this is slightly louder than previous AKA, but at the same time it makes me to hear this kind of background cracking noise more. That’s when I tried it on full volume, but I never listen so loudly. I like the sound already.

[@Ayesha______]

I think its actually better Kati, I can hear the quality of your voice more clearly. >3 Also your shirt clothes super cute!

[@DAPalomares]

The audio sounds brighter (I most likely used the wrong term), the audio is higher but it's not hot or clipping. Did you change the PCM?

[@sophiabrisac7622]

I can definitely hear you clearly e way better! Yay! 😄

[@duck7237]

Yep. It definitely is. I listen to you while I'm trying to talk myself into getting out bed in the morning, and today I could still hear you clearly even with my ears buried under my warm blanket (usually I can't and I have to put my phone volume on full blast and peel back my blanket). So happy days!

[@v1kas4y90]

Hey Kati, I use your videos to improve my english knowledge. I am very happy that your articulation is so clear and I already learned a lot about psychology. All the best wishes from Germany👍🏽❤️

[@_maia_m]

What you said about not feeling like a productive member of society and redefining what productiveness means and what your goals are, just made me cry, thank you so so much for being so supportive, including and openminded! I do struggle a lot with shame around this, and after spiraling down over the last couple of months into a crisis last week, what you said means a lot ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[@loristegner3272]

Hey there! 2:20 I totally understand the “milk thing” and the constant need to clear your throat. Here’s a singers trick that always worked for me back when I sang and did commercials professionally. If you wanna clear the “crud” off your vocal chords, just before you podcast, take a few sips of any carbonated beverage. It’ll clear the mucous gunk right off the vocal chords so you can speak or sing without constant “he-heming.” I usually keep some small pony/mini cans of Sprite, 7-Up or or any of the flavored carbonated drinks you might like. Chase the carbonation down with some water and you should be good to go. 🙂👍🏻.

[@anano1015]

To add to the first question, I would like to maybe suggest that the "goal" of each day could be to do something enjoyable? I mean we talked a lot about productivity but what about hobbies, or loved ones or anything we actually like doing outside of work or working out ?The person mentions TV but it could be anything enjoyable. Couldn't that be the goal of life? Enjoying life by trying to find something enjoyable to each day?

[@_maia_m]

This ^^, yes! 👍👏☺️ Thanks for bringing up this perspective! I think when we want to be productive, we want it to help others so that as a result, they can enjoy life, so why not do it for ourselves too? If we do that for ourselves you could think that others need to be less productive in order to help us... I mean, when so many of us want to be useful to others, we're all at both ends of that wish to give.

[@nicoleleeanartist5999]

48:15 “We are so used go feeling like shit, that the idea of not feeling like shit feels really uncomfortable.” Omg yesssss esp when im starting to feel better from all the BS & trauma of 2020, it feels weird that i feel kind of “good.” Rex Orange County has a lyric about this: “ill find a spot thats just for me and see if i can deal without an ounce of pain” 💗💗💗💗

[@kurtheil4922]

I used to work 50 to 60 hours a week and I was on call 24/7 I had to answer my phone whenever it rang. When I wasn't at work I sat in my apartment and waited for when I had to go back to work. I was the general manager and responsible for the business.

[@colalein8941]

Thank you Kati so much for this podcast. I can really use it since my therapy session got cancelled and I´m in a bad place right now. So thank you for the great distraction from my thoughts!

[@eloisemarie5219]

Oh wow! I've been on disability for a year. This productivity question & your answers were so helpful. I had gotten better, then had to have surgery and now I'm back to being in an on-going pain situation. It does feel hard to handle going backwards when people think I should be better already. Thanks as always

[@niemandever7125]

Kati, you're honestly so amazing. Thank you so much for all you're doing and for all the effort you put into your content. You're channel has been such a great resource. So thank you! ❤

[@artinrote341]

I found out about you through the financial diet. I immediately went and started listening to lots of podcasts and some main channel videos. I started therapy earlier this year and it's an empty office and only talk therapy. It didn't feel helpful to talk to her because I dont have anything current to process through. But the knowledge and vocabulary I've learned through your channel has me planning all sorts of trauma and inner child work to write out and have prepared when I go back to her in a month. It's much better than sitting there for an hour thinking "I dont know what to talk about in the present tense" and avoid the thoughts like "I dont remember this childhood event fast enough to discuss it in session" thank you for the help

[@sophiabrisac7622]

This one is my favorite so far! And I love the sweater, looks so good on you 🥰 And the announcement of the video matching the color of your sweater 💜

[@morena6717]

Thank you Kati! I've discovered this channel recently and I'm catching up with all the podcast! I've been finding them very useful to understand some of my behaviour and you always give really useful advice that I've been trying to apply in my everyday life! And I appreciate this even more now in this "lonely" covid time!

[@loristegner3272]

10:50 My Mom believed that every waking moment had to be filled with doing something productive. 🙄 If not, I was lazy or worthless. My self shame and shit talking started at a very young age.😕

[@gracetanner4132]

I now will think of Kati’s voice telling me to STOP SHOULDING all over myself lol

[@jennifererickson2355]

Thank you so much for talking about religious trauma, I actually have struggled with faith because of some of my abuse within the church.

[@janetslater129]

"We're not robots." Hell, even robots break down.

[@melissahatfield2475]

Hey Kati I love your sweater looks great on you❤️🥰

[@Katimorton]

Awww thanks Melissa! Hope youre having a good Thursday! :)

[@nikkimckay860]

Melissa Hatfield. Hello hope your doing ok and coping with everything ok I met you here before so I seen your name ans wanted to say hello x

[@melissahatfield2475]

@@nikkimckay860 omg I remember u to what’s your snap we should chat

[@callmekiki882]

When you asked how we are doing, I started crying because I have been saying "I'm fine thank you" for so many years and just when I started getting help for my eating disorder, I started being more honest about how I truly feel and your content really helped me a lot. So thanks for checking in on us

[@tammykendrick7521]

Matthew West song- TRUTH BE TOLD

[@jessicaabbott10]

About the glamorizing productivity part: I HATED SEEING TWEETS LIKE THAT, TOO. I was at the busiest point in my working life when Covid hit whilst dealing with narcissistic abuse from my family of origin. It was one of the worst (if not the absolute worst) times of my life. I was dealing with *serious* thoughts of s*icide during all of that, too. I feel fortunate that I survived when I look back. It’s still hard to talk about it, but I’ve been in therapy since then, and it’s gradually getting easier.

[@LummyLum]

YES to more discussions on #10. I am currently struggling so much with that and your advice was very helpful. Would definitely love a future video dedicated to this issue.

[@animal_person_]

You make me feel so much better when I listen to you! I had the worst day yesterday I am so glad I found your channel. 💜

[@MrRobot22]

I read the title and i feel attacked

[@too_tired_for_this]

I’m working part time and am on disability. It’s so hard to not feel shame about that. I talk A LOT with my therapist about those feelings. We recently started talking about satisfying ways to spend time. Not necessarily “productive”, but things that make me feel like a real human (my phrase for my own feelings).

[@emilydiggle3653]

Hey, I wrote question 7, thank you so much for answering! What you said rings true for me, and I laughed at how you described the ‘shitty dumpster fire of a life’ 🤣

[@emilydiggle3653]

@@jenna4994 It’s on the OTDM ‘Community’ tab, she asks for submissions every Monday :)

[@sophiadavenport3959]

Whenever I need a break from reality/consistent hard work I binge watch episodes of the Gilmore girls on Netflix.🥨

[@montanagirl9331]

Thank you Kati! We appreciate you. (Sean too.)

[@lisasnoozy3749]

Definitely need this today! Got my anxiety pillow and love it! Great job Kati! 🥰

[@askkatianything]

Awesome :) I'm so glad it arrived!

[@marihi8621]

This format is really so good! It's relaxing and engaging at once and it feels a little like an actual conversation.

[@al.kenzie]

Outside validation: in a previous video you made a passing comment about external validation that completely changed my perspective. I had thought of it as having someone say "you did a good job", and I know I don't seem that out excessively. But your example included running examples and situations past friends and family to see if they support your conclusions. EI, repeating whole conversations and then asking, "I'm right to be mad there, right???" I really would love a longer video about this, for myself and to refer to others because I've tried to explain it a few times. Thanks for all you do ♥️

[@toni2309]

Hi Kati thank you for making the podcast.

[@jessman8597]

Thanks Kari. I totally agree. If therapy isn't challenging the client (sorry I feel a great deal of shame about being called a patient), I don't think it's therapy at all. I need pushed and homework. I want goals, objectives, and a plan. If that's not in place, I find another therapist.

[@jan2351]

1:09:40 I started speaking up for myself about 3 yrs ago and the response has consistently been along the lines of "OMG WTF you're so sensitive/defensive/taking everything so personally/god i can't say anything to you" and no one wants to be around me. It's not like I do it constantly, only when I need to.

[@harrieth]

Thanks Kati as always. Just dropping a note that I was sure I was the 2nd one to post question this week (not the first b/c I was hesitant for a few seconds, lol), and in the end I only got 1 like. Of course, could be that my question isn't appealing... but it feels like being early doesn't make that much difference. I guess asking within the first day should be fine... then the rest is... luck? Nonetheless, although slightly sad, I am still very very happy to see many great questions, which I also supported, getting answered. :)

[@nikkimckay860]

Harriet. I completely and can reate to tour comment a few times iv tried adding a question to Kati s community tab and every time it gets 1 like or none at all I always write a question that involves myself and I always check spelling and how long my question is but seems nobody bothers to like my question I completely know how you feel about not getting your question picked I personally been struggling with my mental health and really wanted my question to get picked being honest with you my advice would be to just keep trying or give it a few weeks then try your question again seems now kati is picking question s with high number of likes but also picking 2 random questions guess you just have to get lucky I'm still waiting too take care x

[@harrieth]

@@nikkimckay860 Thanks a lot :) I understand and I am happy that Kati also picks 2 random questions now. I try to support other people's questions as well; I know so many of us face difficulties and have struggles. You take care too *hugs*

[@nikkimckay860]

Your welcome we all deserve a chance to get our questions picked and answered can I ask please would you like my question next time when I add one I'll do the same for you thank you for your reply

[@nicole-ww7lj]

I've just finished work and this is exactly what I need, what a perfect timing! thank you Kati☺️

[@emilyjane6252]

I miss you so much with all your fantastic podcasts. Your so amazing!

[@askkatianything]

Oh thank you! you're the best!

[@emilyjane6252]

:D

[@nikolaiclement9342]

I’m one of those that don’t leave my room until I have to, I was in a treatment center for 6 mo after a almost successful s.a. And I had a job waiting for me but now I’ve been home for three weeks and I can’t stand anything I don’t like hanging out with people I don’t like staying home I don’t want to talk to people but I’m upset when the people say that their here for me but when I text them when I’m about to flip out their too busy for me to even respond within the next two days. I can’t stand being with myself

[@laraland9963]

I love your voice! It’s so calming

[@Drummerdudegirl]

I liked the question about the red flags in therapists..I just quit with a therapist because there was never any tools and goals. Final straw was when we we sat in silence for 30 mins.

[@christina-tinarose5660]

Here for your voice to help me sleep. I can’t explain it. I’m scared to sleep but I love sleep. Makes no sense to me. BPD attachments... 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@christopher22859]

Thank you so much for talking about religious trauma. I have been and evangelic almost of my life and when I finally realized how much it had damaged me. I'm seriously mentally ill and being in the church there was so invalidation and if you try to talk about they give you bible verses. Totally useless.

[@christopher22859]

Sorry I don't type and spell too well.

[@animal_cookie]

This was a great episode, I learned a lot - thanks Kati and to all who asked great questions!

[@nikkimckay860]

Evening everyone just seen the notification come up this was the second time I have not seen a podcast until late but glad I have it now was looking forward to listening and watching this Thursday s podcast chilling before bed while watching now

[@lillymist9758]

Hey Kati :) a follow up video on the 10th question would actually be a good idea cause a lot of us really struggle with that

[@whipwalk]

We're supposed to improve ourselves. This could be working on our art skills, learning a new language, playing an instrument, self healing, exercise, or rest, etc.

[@greenladies1116]

Hi Kati, I wondered if you could answer, why do we often feel lonelier the more we spend time with people? I live alone (split with fiance in aug) and I feel panicked and horrible and begin to count the next time I can see someone/talk to a person in real life often to the point of ideation, and then I settle into my little routine after a few days and before I know it its been two weeks of not spending time with anyone but i feel almost happier? (I cant work at the moment as i'm still recovering from long covid but doing some online volunteering and im on furlough so i'm trying a lot) I just want to feel happier day to day myself im in my 30s and dont want to have to have flatmates or rush into a new relationship too soon with the wrong person just because i'm lonely. I have good friends and my sister lives close by but we are all maxed out and cant support each other all the time while the UK it's still in such a strict lockdown and i've been having months of therapy and stuff. I just want to understand how I can help myself im so tired of being so sad all the time and i dont want to isolate myself even further.

[@andreabushman1212]

Kati posts the prompt for question on the community tab on Mondays. Post if there and she might answer it. Hope this helps!

[@nikkimckay860]

Green ladies. Hello hope your question gets picked its honestly a waiting game and who reads it or how meny like you get for your question sadly iv tried a few times never got my question though nobody liked my question everytime I get 1 like and no comment s it honestly makes me sad also kinda stressed because seems people are not give people like us a chance our question s matter too tale care

[@raywood8187]

I just had an idea Kati. Since you suggest that shaking is a good anxiety reliever and since shaking hands isn't a good idea these days, we need a new safe way of greeting. So how about 2 people shaking their bodies at each other, from a safe distance?

[@nikkimckay860]

Going through the question s and all good questions that kati has all the answers to in detail 👍

[@DanilaPit]

Self sabotage thing is so relevant to me... I feel like the recovery will take ages and then I'll be old, so what's the point. Let alone money thing (I am struggling with it badly). Also even though there are "testimonials" from some people I know about how therapy helped them, there are other people who claim they don't get any results whatsoever for years and my intuition tells me that I am more like those people. I consider myself quite rigid when it comes to changing/transforming my view on stuff, maybe even nihilistic. Like I have been desensitivised to many aha moments and profound realizations which may be fresh epiphanies for "unprepared" people but are kinda old and stale for me after years of trying to figure everything out by myself (books, videos, etc) which were fruitless in the end, mostly because of... Well, self-sabotaging. It may come out as ignorant (and it probably is), that it's quite unlikely I will discover something new in therapy, or it will require a lot of time before I hit some deeper stuff there. And even those people who claim they did get results (and they did) tell that was not easy. It required a lot of work, stress, money, etc. and I am terrified when I even think about having to go through all of this. And I often notice that the more I engage in psychological content or the more I hang around in comunities where it's the central theme (haven' go further than online yet), - the more I feel worse. Not because they are toxic (quite the opposite, those that I am/was in) but because I see how many amazing people there mostly improve and get better (rightfully so) while I'm just stuck. I feel better when I distract myself from all of it. Which is the last thing I should do probably, because I am in need of doing something with my life more than ever. And it makes me to procrastinate and ignoring this even more. Your podcast doesn't make me feel bad by any means, it soothes and calms me a lot but I still can't get myself to reach out for help. It's just a comment here, whether you read it or not - firstly, thank you once again, second - I wonder if anybody else feels anything similar, that's interesting to me.

[@DanilaPit]

Thank you. I needed this.

[@gabriellaa1091]

following question 10, i would like more from the suggestions you provided, this would defnitely help with my BPD symptoms and jumping to the worst conclusions

[@GK-qc5ry]

Would like to hear how to live with a toxic parent, when you don't have the option to leave, due to age, frailty. How do you manage it long term?

[@ytb8361]

I used to lie to therapists and to myself telling them I am doing better and they are doing well because their therapy was so abusive and they were making me feel guilty to say they were abusive and causing me every illness in the dsm they could cause me by linking those thought distortions to ocd I had.

[@radhaica3252]

Thank you 🦋

[@Iamanncohen]

I'm a newbie and I loved U ❤

[@askkatianything]

Welcome!

[@elizabethbed649]

First ;) Been waiting for this episode, needed some good distraction badly.

[@Katimorton]

Hellloooo Elizabeth :)

[@elizabethbed649]

@@Katimorton Good to see you Kati :)

[@daydrmrofficial1966]

Question: I get obsessed with diagnosis, even though the diagnosis might be correct I start to 'live' the diagnosis and then convince myself im faking it all. Any tips?

[@sewerface]

Kati is so gd endearing

[@Official_NOM_]

I’m in a cycle of resilience, episode, isolation, repeat and my biggest fear is my resilience is getting lower and lower each time while my episodes grow bigger. The real problem I have is that I can’t stop my mentality that I have the absolute power to change this by force when it’s repeatedly been proven to not be working. I’m stuck in my ways and when I try change my mindset ends up being even more deeply rooted that I am right. How would you advise me in a situation like this?

[@heidib5482]

Best part of Thursday!

[@thinker630]

Did you just say, "... and then I'm saying should-y things about myself"? Maybe I imagined it, but it made me laugh. :)

[@YoucancallmeMarcie]

Meh. It’s Sunday February 3 2024. And I’m here for this!

[@reginatackett-u9o]

For those of us who journal. Is it better to write or use a computer? or does it matter. I write on paper. I'm just curious.

[@sewerface]

Kati’s swearing is the best

[@animal_person_]

Kati, you mentioned a site for counseling that was Christian based in your Emotional Neglect video. I cannot find it online. Can you please share the link? Thank you so much!

[@animal_person_]

@Alass its Tasha thanks!

[@paulastella8268]

Needing attention got me hurt so now I must stop my neediness. I am going to get this right so I can move on.

[@reems.270]

please talk about religion trauma!

[@eleftheria9377]

If we have someone that we know he/she is suicidal, what can we do to help them??

[@tammykendrick7521]

K-LOVE radio. Encouraging music is powerful

[@emilyb9395]

Maybe you should try "less-directed" psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy before you knock those methods. The absence of formal treatment plans and goals, lack of tasks, and unwillingness to provide tools probably seems as foreign to you as the idea that challenging your thoughts and doing homework is to those who are psychodynamic/analytically oriented. As they say, not all who wander are lost.

[@beegee5305]

your friend who buts out 9 vids a week is most likely an overachiever. I prefer that you post once a week or so. I dont want to become psychotic keeping up with an "influencer" posting so much ! Lol

[@sophiadavenport3959]

Important message to me 13:54 - 16:16 , 18:56 - 19:12🌌

[@meganweber5057]

Is someone suicidal if they wish they'd die, but aren't thinking of making it happen themselves?

[@cosslogan1043]

Years of compulsive lying make it so that often I'm unsure of when I'm telling the truth.

[@emilyjane6252]

Also love love your sweater.

[@creature4169]

Isn't there a mental health issue that mimics apathy or seeming laziness.

[@rahmatakbarkhan7942]

How ARE you 🌷♥️

[@vetz7]

Lindsey’s channel is called “sexplanations”