Autism and the Emotional Toll of Self Hatred and Daily Burdens

Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I share my deeply personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person on the daily battles and burdens I face. #autism #orionkelly #autisticadult #whatautismfeelslike #asd #autismsigns
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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (KZbinr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
#AutisticVoices #ActuallyAutistic #Autistic #Autism #OrionKelly #ThatAutisticGuy #ASD
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Related: autism, autism diagnosis, Orion Kelly, orionkelly, thatautisticguy, tiktok videos, autistic, autism in adults, autism in women, autism in men, autism spectrum condition, asd, autism spectrum disorder, aspergers, aspergers syndrome, autism in boys, autism in girls, dsm, dsm5, autistic adults, autistic kids, autism mom, autism parent, autism family, autism speaks, autism awareness, autism acceptance, autism at work, am I autistic, adult autism test, autism disclosure, autism therapy, autism prevention, autism meltdown, autistic burnout, autistic behavior, autism symptoms, autism traits, autistic signs, what autism feels like, love on the spectrum, stimming, echolalia, anxiety

[@lightknightno7]

The most painful thing is when you're burned out and feel you're a burden to the people around you and the moment you start wearing the mask they become happy and think you're cured or recovered.

[@visionvixxen]

This happened to me during the beginning of Covid and even in my non-neurotypical family who doesn’t acknowledge that they have any differences, I’ve been scapegoat it become because I’m the most honest With my anxiety and with the way I was raised in my family to be very careful and consistent about healthcare measures, I would try to communicate with them and all of us get on the same page and was shocked to find out that instead of being rewarded for being who they raised me to be, I was reprimanded, yelled at, called bad names And so much abuse. This was interesting because it was at my most vulnerable point and wanting to love, take care and be open and then said I got this rejection I’m not one to perceive things as rejection, but I realize that the for the first time I couldn’t understand people with suicidal ideation and was actually behaving in ways that could potentially hurt myself and started hating myself This was a really interesting realization to me and the first time I found out why rejection can cause people to end their lives especially when they really pour themselves out and they’re sincere and not masking anymore The hardest part was, not masking and getting all of this counseling Health that focuses on communication and being yourself - I’m sure this is a big challenge for a lot of people, because for them, and especially families that are not emotionally savvy and also in denial, it can be a double or triple whammy and the counseling and opening yourself up can I is it caused people to react in Waze well beyond what we typically happen when the neuro typical of changing the system Another thing I realized, was I was so hyper fixated and worried that I literally couldn’t stop and had to keep pressing on for them to understand the importance and giving them examples because it was such an urgent matter I really couldn’t mask or stop myself and this made them hate me even worse. This is a serious topic that needs to be discussed and I I hope the whole topic of unmasking and being yourself and society saying to be yourself and honesty as good is address and a different level for people who are not Nuro typical in settings with others as well as in settings with Nuro typical‘s I am surprised that most of my family have varying degrees of being on the spectrum, but those less than the spectrum have really harmed me the most

[@BelfastDutchie]

This is me right now. People just don't get it. Or maybe they just don't want to.

[@FurtiveSkeptical]

Oh....man. So true.

[@MoonPhaze5]

I finally one day abolished the mask, because it was killing me trying to keep up the appearance of being neuro-typical. It has been such a relief too! People aren't comfortable with fake people, so they don't like them; and people don't like what they cant, dont, or wont understand. I came to understand that the majority of people in my world cannot or will not accept me; so I just decided to let go of caring about what I hated anyways, and that was the job of trying to be accepted by neuro-typical people. I can now continue my life appreciating what and who I am. 🙏😌💜

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

When you're autistic, there is no functional difference between a neurotypical and a narcissist.

[@ashleyfarrell3576]

I have a deep desire to be accepted…but NOT by the herd. I want to be accepted for my true, authentic self by just ONE person. And I don’t want to gain that acceptance by doing what they want. I just want to be all and completely me.

[@aaacomp1]

Unfortunately that will never happen. The only way to gain acceptance is to mask...and it sucks knowing they are only accepting a non genuine you.

[@manuela1711]

Same 😶

[@davycrock0441]

Dido

[@hannahwilliams9290]

THIS. I've felt this way my entire life.

[@thestrugglingoptimist2541]

I can relate to this. Though I've almost given up on ever meeting someone who will genuinely accept me.

[@lord_moist]

The part about neurotypicals not accepting autistic people reminded me of a study. The results of the study was that neurotypicals would in most cases chose an ethical option infront of thers, but in private they'd reject their previous ethics in favor for a selfish choice. But autistic people would mostly choose the ethical option both in public and private, but despite this, the scientists framed it as a problem with autistic people for being too rigid in their ethics

[@bcarolynn]

What if one day we find out that we're the normal ones and they are the weirdos. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. People used to have morals and values, they also were more self sufficient and could be alone without feeling alone. Regardless, kind people are the best.

[@kevinthomas728]

⁠@@bcarolynnI’ve been wondering the same thing. I find being neurotypical so hard to understand. I don’t want to live with that compartmentalization even if I could.

[@insertname3977]

@@bcarolynn That's a very romanticised outlook at the past. It use to be considered moral to leave autistic children (or anything but the healthiest in body, mind, and neurotypical) to die in the forest because we were thought to be possessed by Satan/the fairies/cursed by the gods/etc. People also use to go to church every sunday, then spend the weekday going to whore houses, lying, cheating, killing people because they didn't think the same way, etc.

[@unocualqu1era]

yOu ArE nOt GoOd HoNeSt PeOpLe YoU aRe JuSt RiGiD iN yOuR eThIcS!111!!!

[@christopherleubner6633]

It is because most ethics are based upon logic of what is best for all.

[@bennettwaisbren]

I'm only 33 and I feel like I've lived a full life as a 93 year old. I'm so burned out it's absolutely unreal.

[@theoneandonly1158]

Right? ! I tell my husband all the time, I feel like an 80 year old.

[@conradgiese3248]

Same… and I’m only 20

[@user-wo1bu4xd6r]

I’m 22 and the amount of unnecessary pain and shit I’ve been through solely from being autistic makes me feel ancient

[@ivanamizerakova8337]

Accurate. I just never knew the cause 😮

[@kalyasaify]

SAME!! 32 feels like 80 💀

[@ToqTheWise]

I’ve realize in the last couple of years that society teaches autistic children to hate themselves. That’s why I’ve decided to become a teacher, so I can try to fix the system from the inside and help kids like me turn out better than I did.

[@Angel_Kittichik]

I'm personally trying to deconstruct my own self-loathing so I can be a better and more understanding person too. My friends being kind and patient with me is helping the process. 💖 How goes the teaching, wise one?

[@themanicman8458]

​@@Angel_Kittichik good luck it helps to be around other autistic people I find it is easier to be kind and understanding to others than it is to one's self Because of this being around others like you might help you realize the dissonance and how you treat yourself vs. How you treat others like you and help you be kinder to yourself in the long run

[@Angel_Kittichik]

@@themanicman8458 Thank you. ☺️ I'm not sure if they are autistic exactly (apart from one I know for sure), but I definitely vibe with them. One friend in particular I've joked about being able to read his mind when working on creative stuff, and he has ADHD. 😆

[@chilledm.136]

Thank you for your work and consideration Toq The Wise

[@mattjayce2339]

Don't teach special ed if that's your goal. The entire purpose of special ed is segregation.

[@sheltiesongs7378]

I can’t stop crying. Someone actually understands me for once. I’ve tried so hard to fix myself for years and I’ve hated myself for not being able to.

[@rien3201]

I totally feel you. Also, often I find that my loathe on this world I don't feel belong is stronger than loathe on myself, and people constantly conclude that it's just a self-esteem or self-confidence issue.

[@JONNYSORENSEN_AU]

The irony is you cant fix.. what aint broken ❤

[@kayleighbrown459]

@@JONNYSORENSEN_AU That is by far the hardest thing to accept.

[@KarenGagne-hx6su]

Right there with you. It is heartbreaking! So validating to have someone understand!

[@nate2838]

@@JONNYSORENSEN_AU And that, exactly, is why there are times when removing myself from this planet is simply a logical equation. If then, there fore. If I'm not broken, then there is nothing to be fixed. If there is nothing to be fixed, there is no hope for things to improve that I have control over. Therefore if current existence is unbearable long term, why continue to suffer with no hope for anything better until I ultimately crash, instead of saving myself the pain and suffering and just ending it now? Anyone who has ever repeated the quote "A permanent solution to a temporary problem" has absolutely no idea what they are talking about. If the person felt it was a "temporary problem" they'd fucking fix it!

[@lostdawg67]

I am fifty five and was diagnosed at 49. Thank You. This video is spot on. Be fake, be alone or be a burden. No other options. It hollows out my soul.

[@josephinetracy1485]

I still haven't the faintest idea what autism is. Apparently it's a type of mental retardation.

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

❤

[@kateandersen1269]

Don't let them push those options on you. The options, at least the other ones are to unmask and be yourself as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others. If they think we're weird or a problem it's only because the side of ourselves that they liked was one that was carefully constructed by them. Also, lots of NT people have good intentions but just lack the knowledge on the subject, or they've given too much attention to media depictions of what someone on the spectrum is like. I keep seeing on various posts "nothing about us, without us." Don't let other people decide what your life is supposed to be like. Play to your strengths and slowly make the change towards a life that you feel happy with. It's difficult to do this because once we realize that what we've been doing isn't what makes us happy, society makes us feel like we are 'behind' if we want to start over and do something that makes us happy. Then we realize what makes us happy and we feel self imposed pressure to do everything really quickly to "make up for lost time". I am just learning this now as well. Most good things regardless of who you are take a while. The main issue is living in a society that we're told to have 'milestones', and if we haven't reached those by a certain time we can appear 'lazy' or 'unaccomplished'. In actuality if Autistic individuals could have the support and help they need to pursue their real goals and passions (art, science, music, nerdy things, hobbies, medicine, careers that suit their interests) they'd most likely be some of society's biggest assets. Don't let anything make you feel empty, there's so much to see and do.

[@kildogery]

Yeah, I've had to take time off work for a while, because I couldn't face lying and putting it on anymore, infact I literally didn't have the energy. I'm in my 40s and undiagnosed, but I've kind of considered I probably am, for years, plus I never get much pushback from friends or family if I suggest it, even in a jokey way, plus two health professionals have suggested I might be, oh and I have a genetic thing that makes it more likely. Still my brain always tells me I'm probably neurotypical and just trying to find excuses, brains are weird 🤷‍♂️

[@lostdawg67]

@@kateandersen1269 All good points and ones I've assimilated over the years. My comment reflected my feelings, not my approach. I don't react anymore or let my feelings dictate my interactions with the neurotypical world, only inform them. Thanks for the solidarity. Big love.

[@Cracken_]

"What if your self worth decreased every day you are alive?" Never have I read a sentence that summed up my life so succinctly. Every day I try so hard to be a better person. I exercise, I write, I practice, I learn new things, but no matter what I do I never feel like I've accomplished anything worthwhile. Every moment that I am conscious I am in perpetual agony. Feeling completely unable to help myself, or anyone. Even though I have grown significantly as a person over the years, I do not feel any satisfaction or catharsis. Just greater pain. Thank you for making this video. It has explained a feeling I have had for my entire life.

[@emil5884]

Neurotypicals run the world, but the world is going to hell, so I find myself wondering how much credit neurotypicals really deserve for being exemplars of functionality and normalcy. There is a piece that is missing here.

[@Whowhytho]

This is my thoughts too. I'm scared of the mess we will be left with in the future when these so called "normies" have finished destroying the fabric of humanity, the planet and levelled everything on it.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Actually - lots of people in society are on the spectrum. Many of them were trouble makers & killers, many were famous criminals in the mob. Many had jobs in high places bc of their “special interests” - that set them apart & put them in great leadership positions. > Such as ELON MUSK. Many politicians in America - are on the spectrum. - ASD is everywhere, my friends. They don’t all stay home w. their parents; although I met quite a few who are like that too. Grown up men who stay attached to mommy, and don’t ever leave home. > I have seen & come to my own understanding throughout the years - of knowing such men, that the terrific anger that builds up inside these ( ASD ) grown men - is NOT about the unfair treatments from the outer world around them- but rather the terrific distress they feel from not being able to come out of their shell & play w. the grown ups in the world. >The isolation doesn’t come so much from the people around us; it is more so self inflicted, bc of all the little bitty things we look at and don’t like about other people around us. > When you grow up & develop a neutral attitude to allow everyone to be as they are ( within the constructs of the law - mind you ) then EVERYBODY can get along better. > Simce I’ve been watching videos by the autistic community- I’ve been seeing a common pattern - in that they all feel victimized & they carry a grudge every day. They want things to be & go their way or else. - I know two year old children who are like this .. But they eventually grow out of that stsge. Why ? Because we want to live in a civilized world. We need cohesion to do that- or else it all fallls to rubbish. > The fact that ASD people think they are a tiny minority is ironic. > Quite frankly, I think they’re prevalent everywhere.. They just flew under the radar. .. > Stop feeling sorry for yourself > Stop being jealous of other people > Live your life & mind your own business. See how you can improve yourself instead of wasting time complaining.

[@Catlily5]

@@BarbaraMerryGeng Interesting, I agree with you that many autistic people are influencing society and have flown under the radar. Perhaps we people with autism do turn to pity or complaining too often. It is just ironic that you come specifically to an autism video to complain about autistic people complaining. Perhaps you need to follow your own advice.

[@davycrock0441]

If it weren’t for Autism, we wouldn’t even have cars.

[@darbydelane4588]

Uep.

[@colletteprops8708]

"Being yourself very rarely has any outcome but the negative" is more true than any fact ever.

[@tahrey]

Yeah, I generally respond to that bit of "advice" in a jokingly negative / self deprecating way, but honestly it's just the worst idea from our general perspective most of the time. Want to flunk a job interview, not get called back after a date, offend family, friends and a wide variety of strangers at a wedding or funeral etc? Be "yourself" in a world that doesn't get it...

[@Ellen-mt2ob]

I struggle to figure out what type of masking is healthy (or helpful in my limited social contact) and what type is unhealthy and will lead to burnout.

[@GirlPower342]

I was myself during a recent virtual job interview at an elementary school. I was told by my contact in HR that the interview was basically a formality. When the interviewers asked about a challenge I’ve faced, I talked about having a ADHD and how that has helped me to become a better and more inclusive teacher. I’m able to address and empathize with a huge range of student learning styles. This was the first time I talked openly about my ADHD during a job interview, but I felt like it went well and I gave them a lot of concrete examples of how I deal with it in the workplace. No doubt some of my autistic traits were on display during the interview too! 😂 A few minutes after the interview had wrapped up, I got an email from my contact person in HR letting me know that the school had decided to pass on me and I would have to keep on interviewing at other schools until I found a school willing to take me on. It was a huge blow to my self-esteem and sense of professional worth to be rejected so immediately, and without any real reflection and without even attempting to envision me as a potential candidate. Luckily I did find a school. 😊

[@prismfairyshaven846]

My son sent me this video. He is 24 and was diagnosed with autism when he was 2. When I could see that he was becoming aware enough to understand when people referred to him as autistic, I explained it like this. Everyone had things that they are good at and things they struggle with, for those with autism it is like the volume is turned up. They will have things they are amazing at, that others will wonder how they do it. But they will also have things that others can do easily, that they will have to fight for every inch that they gain. You mentioned that some with autism have the ability to feel empathy in an extreme way. My son has no filters, he feels everything that others are feeling. This makes it nearly impossible to shield him from the frustration of others when he cannot conform to their expectations. I can feel the heart wrenching sadness in him when he can't do what they want or even feel they need from him. I know he feels what you have expressed in this video. It is hard to find your self worth when the scale others measure you by is like trying to figure out how much the color blue weighs in ounces. It just doesn't translate into something both sides can understand. The way his mind works and the inventions he comes up with astound me. They bring me joy, even when he uses my appliances as material to make something new. But, when he begs me to let him go, to let him die, because it hurts him so much to keep feeling it all. It breaks my heart. I hope I can help him find the beauty in life, and that it will help sooth his soul on bad days. Thank you for your video, I believe it helped him know he was not alone in the feelings he has. Hopefully it will help others better understand what you face and therfore be better able to work with you in a positive way.

[@Peterphoskytos]

I can tell your heart is in the right place, and maybe you already do this. I am 25, and not only do I know how that feels, how how it feels to carry the world in your heart, alone, isolated, misunderstood and unloved for reasons you can't really grasp. Make sure he knows you love him unconditionally. Make sure you listen and are there for him no matter his struggles. Be someone he can feel safe to share his burdens with. And tell him you love him. Last part, words might not do it, physical touch might not do it, gestures might not do it. The trick is to find his love language. It often is sharing what they know or think. Sharing their stuff. Bcs it's a part of them. So the best way to tell him you love him, is pay attention, see what he is really interested in. Ask him about and listen. Show curiosity and interest in what it does. Maybe try to learn about it by yourself too and share what you learned. Find joy in that thing and try to feel his joy. Try to understand how and why that makes him so interested. Be his friend, because we don't have many. And he will know you are . If you accept a important part of him, cherish it, and show interest and gratitude, that will communicate love. That's how we often function. We reach out with parts of ourselves thinking people will see what it means and accept it. But reality is we get rejected as we make ourselves vulnerable. So do that, and you'll see a difference! If you pay attention, Neurodivergent people often bond through shared interests OR infor dumping about their own interests, albeit the second option requires that degree of reception and interest. We are sensitive, if we info dump and suddenly you turn of, it feels like a wall has been placed between us. Conclusion, we spent our lives playing on neurotypical grounds. So try to play on his ground, on his terms. But out of your own volition. Step into his world a little and take curiosity in it. Try to learn about it, understand how it works. Its hard and complicated as a process? Yeah. But if you feel you can't do it, think that process, is how we usually spend our entire lives. Except no one sees it, are you are mocked and ostracized and rejected and made fun of by failing. Amd you are forced to comply. You have no apparent choice. That's why often times we mask so bad we lose ourselves in it. Hope this helps!!

[@RadioactuveToy]

I'd like to offer some advice. Has he had a neuropsych evaluation done as an adult to assess his strength and weaknesses? I personally want to get one done because I really really struggle to understand my strengths and weakness since other's expectations have never been tailored towards my capabilities. Plus I find medical evidence to help me advocate for myself, I have Narcolepsy and it was a nightmare trying to understand another condition I had with no name, let alone finding any accommodations or help. Help him let go of society's' expectations of him. I didn't get my driver's license until 27 and graduate college until 30. I beat myself up a lot for feeling behind my peers. Yet nobody helped me see in many ways I was way beyond my peers in making logical, sound decisions, making good choices/self discipline, my artistic abilities, and curiosity. I still find it hard to see the good in myself because nobody tried cultivating them. People called me lazy, manipulative, etc, etc., but I was struggling with crippling anxiety and neurological problems. Help him see the reality of his condition with a focus on the good parts. Validate his experience. I was once very sensitive like your son. It came from a place of feeling invisible and unaccepted for who I was and acknowledgement of my struggles. I just couldn't handle people being unable to see my struggles and pain. My therapist works with neurodivergent people and she has helped quite a bit. Perhaps try finding a therapist like that for your son.

[@Peterphoskytos]

@@RadioactuveToy this is very good advice. I wish i could find/afford such therapist for myself

[@MouthwashTyphoon]

If there is a local group for autistics, perhaps he could find friends and acceptance there.

[@wendy-wf8ij]

I am a ‘professional.’ And I want to share with you that depression and self image is the MOST overlooked but yet completely common occurrence in ASD in children, teens, young adults and on and on. Why? Because most average professionals are too preoccupied trying to find solutions or strategies to ‘treat the autism symptoms’ when depression is right there - glaringly obvious. I know this doesn’t help - but you are not alone in this painful ‘mom struggle.’ Good advice in above comments - You don’t need a ‘fancy’ therapist … Just someone who understands enough about some ‘typical’ autistic thinking and then WILL ADDRESS depression and not his ASD symptoms. But , find someone ‘good’ at depression iv you can … too many therapists out there not really very skilled in ‘effecting change’ Most of the ‘usual’ approaches that people find useful such as CBT, ACT, DBT, even dare I say meds? Can be helpful when just ‘adapted’ for someone who has ‘divergent thinking’

[@The_Stoic_Philosopher68]

My solution is to be solitary and avoid people. I find people difficult to be around for any length of time. Sometimes it takes me days to decompress.

[@Angel_Kittichik]

I totally understand that. But take it from me, you're not immune to feeling loneliness and FOMA, I used to think that myself until I really dug into it. I hope you can find a community of people that click with you.

[@TomoyoTatar]

​@ngc4486diane That's not true for all ND's. While I have extreme social anxiety and can't be in a group or deal with people sometimes at all, some of us do not really want to be alone. We still get lonely and it's extremely frustrating not being around people when you want to be around them but not being able to deal with people at the same time. It's very difficult.

[@tazyou11]

​@TomoyoTatar That's it for me exactly. I am married with a 20 year old daughter who was told she is not Autistic, but has traits of Autism. Firstly, how does someone have traits of Autism, but not Autistic, anyway, I feel like you, I don't want to be alone, but it's hard dealing with people in the world with the social anxiety I have, but what to do? I feel lonely sometimes anyway, even with my family there. Probably because of the condition that Autism is, how it affects the brain. I can feel lonely, but not be alone. Weird

[@marinadeanda809]

I'm shocked you are 72

[@tenshimoon]

​@@tazyou11a bit of a tangent from your point but when someone has some traits of Autism without having enough for an official diagnosis, they have a term for that now. It's called Broader Autistic Phenotype (BAP). You can't be diagnosed with it, it's just a newer term to mean you have some traits but not enough (for a Dx)

[@WhyWhatWhoWhenWhyAgain]

I called it "getting in trouble". I don't want to "be in trouble" any more. I stopped having relationships with people so that I can stop making people mad or upset at me or because of something I do or don't do. I just wanted to grow up and stop being yelled at, but relationships extended the trouble past youth.

[@reneefasano403]

This is always what i refer to this feeling as in my head.. it feels like I'm always in trouble or about to be. Others don't even need to be around for me to feel this way but it certainly heightens it

[@VincentsVideos]

this is what I think in my head too!! the being in trouble really resonates

[@litlecreacher6501]

Can very much relate

[@Baptized_in_Fire.]

Ik the feeling

[@Princess__Buttercup]

I’m so tired of being yelled at.

[@Wonders19_]

This is happening to me right now. I thought I was doing amazing as a leader, come to find out no one on my team liked me. Despite the successes of the organization, my totally authentic (and I thought polite) communication caused the team to never give me any kind of recognition. I was confronted by an outsider. brought in to remove me instead of any kind of caring outreach from the team, whom I liked and thought we may be able to be friends. Now, I feel like what’s the point, if I’ll never do anything right anyway. Even when I’m good at something it’s still not good enough. I just don’t see how I can get any kind of satisfaction from life when I’ll always fall short of peoples expectations and be punished.

[@axiological5468]

I hate when people have expectations of you that they never communicate clearly to you, and then when you unknowingly go against those expectations, they resent/punish you for it.

[@justsomenobody889]

I used to be that way. I almost even got fired once because of it. Finally I fell into a relationship with an empathetic personality type, and went through utter hellfire trying to keep from offending him all the time.. eventually something clicked. It's hard to learn it the hard way, but trust me, it's not as complicated as it seems. By now there are even so many books and videos that lay these things out plainly and systematically, so there's never been a better time to have this condition. The really beautiful thing is that when you do learn to fill in these blind spots in your social-interaction knowledge, you will be an absolute force to be reckoned with. Because when we do finally learn how to do things we usually are really good at it... yes even when it comes to reading people, leadership, and socializing.

[@tnix80]

​​@@justsomenobody889I always thought I was an extreme introvert but I'm comfortable at my job and really chatty in that setting. I do wonder if it gets on people's nerves. You're right, you can make a system to deal with about anything.

[@tothosethatwander]

​@axiological5468 and somehow everyone automatically knows these rules but we are the "strange ones" for not magically knowing.

[@juddhamilton3053]

This is me one hundred percent. I am a 44 yo autistic man. It doesn't matter what i bring to the table, I am hated for being what I am not. I hate it too.

[@msmltvcktl]

You look like a really great person, from the thumbnail (your smile seems very kind to me, and in betting you have a super friendly terrier lol). People suck and are horribly mean if you're different; I'm 45 and in the same boat.

[@juddhamilton3053]

@@msmltvcktl thank you. I have a super cool Maltese puppy. His name is Vandever Swearingen Teague after my 7th ggf.

[@fluffyworm]

I remember hateing myself intensively since I was around five years old. I have been feeling worthless and misunderstood my entire life. I have never felt accepted by people at my age, when I tried to make friends i was ignored, made fun of for being weird, critisised and yelled at by parents who weren't able to understand me because I was different. I couldn't find anyone like me I always was lonely and misunderstood by people around me. Those supressed emotions and traumas are still having a big influence on how I behave and on the fact that I have really low self worth, I feel useless, have social anxiety and I don't feel capable of achieving anything. Even if I'm not materially in bad live situation I still suffer mentally a lot in my life. Update: I feel like I'm really making progress in some aspects. I still struggle with some stuff in life but it's getting better :).

[@adapederson6159]

I have had the very same feelings and experience with just what you describe!! But, finding out that I'm autistic totally changed my perspective.. You and me are very special people made in God's image, and have So much to offer. Turning to God is the answer!! I will pray for you (and me ☺️)!

[@visionvixxen]

Same here I’ve been treated so for so many other things because I’m a female and probably on the highest end of the spectrum in grade of masking great at masking, but I realize I have so few positive associations with people and anything that involves doing things with people and yet I love them, they energize me and life is just so boring when you can’t engage in more than superficial ways I have to put so much energy in to thinking what to say, how to say it, went to soft talking, how to make sure someone doesn’t misinterpret or misunderstand me and what to do to try to remind them how I am so they don’t judge me or cast moral aspersions on me. It’s getting tiring and sometimes I just wish I had a very visible disease or better yet nothing at all

[@visionvixxen]

So true for a long time I didn’t don’t what it was and why I can’t just do what I understand and what people tell me to do and I don’t even feel worthless and stuff, but the truth is when I look at all the repeat efforts at interactions and various permutations of how I try things differently, they didn’t work and overtime they resulted in more and more demoralization so now I’m at the point where I want to do new things but I literally know that they’re going to cause more problems and I know that I could fix my cognitions but the truth is I fix them all those years I kept on trying things and I’m actually done with trying things the same way or being positive or going out there So I know what was wrong and how to fix it I’m not gonna go out there and do that again also, if I know that what is wrong or different can’t be fixed, now I need to come up with refraining my possibilities and creating new options are a new way to create some semblance of life and make sure people around me know so they don’t judge me. Very hard explaining to someone who can’t see you’re a different or disabilities and doesn’t understand your history of the different ways of trying and tackling some thing and it becomes harder and harder to find someone who understand you that you can trust even counselors and help people, because Well let’s just say, I never thought it would be good to be diagnosed or have this problem blessing/problem but as it’s less stigmatized, it might truly be some sort of indication and ease off all the expectations and judgments in life and then hopefully we can begin to get the help we need to create a sort of life that is sort of worth living or more worth living than it is being afraid of stepping into

[@MicahMicahel]

accept your place in the fringe and stop caring what people think. That's the great part of being an outsider. You can also be honest and enjoy yourself more because so many people are trapped in their roles. Maybe your problem is not having a worthy interest. Forgive yourself and beware of self hate becoming narcissism. Self hatred is cured by not caring about your image. Our culture people care about their image too much. It's a huge source of sickness for people. Stop caring about it. Develop an interest and become a complete island.

[@adrianmargean3402]

Same here

[@ElaineWalker]

“You don’t grow out of autism. You grow into it.” - great quote!

[@gilbertosantos2806]

If anything i find that horrifying.

[@Htrac]

As you get older you begin to accept the ways you are different and instead of hating yourself and trying to be something you are not, you can embrace it.

[@zelowatch30]

​@@gilbertosantos2806Maybe I'm a NT stuck inside an autistic body because I hate it and the idea of it being part of my identity. Unlike all the others who are prideful of it.

[@LobotomyTC]

The implications of that should be fucking horrifying to you though. By accepting that, you're accepting that you're going to be a broken half-human, half-autistic homonculus for the rest of your life. Why settle for less? Why not just attempt to be normal?

[@ManBehindThePencil]

As an adult with Aspergers the hardest thing for me is this 1.) Waking up because I don’t know what my day will be like and it scares me 2.) Being open to some people and them same said people judging me before they know me 3.) Feeling undermined and not allowing me to have a voice of my own 4.) Yes being hard on myself and also hearing people telling me to “let it go” or “don’t take it personal” It takes me some time to get over my problems and it also takes from reassurance from people that everything is gonna be ok. Sometimes I wish people would let me be myself and sometimes NOT be ok if I’m not ok. When a person yells at me it triggers my anger and sensitivity as well which then makes me emotional. As an autistic adult I can only say it feels like a war in my mind as well as with society as a whole with the one thing being wanting to be accepted even though I know they’ll never accept me no matter how hard I try. Even to this day I still wish I was someone else and not me. All I want is to be loved for being who I am. So whoever reads this, you’re not alone and if you need a friend I’m here so let’s help each other.

[@Madchris8828]

It almost feels like the solution is more to just be yourself and screw it if anyone dislikes you for who you are. Ive made friends despite my problems by just being myself. I've come to realize that there will just be a decent amount of folks who won't.

[@straypet8]

Just a heads up "aspergers" doesnt exist--its been removed from diagnoses because of the nazi history of its namesake and the arbitrary distinction it makes between different support needs. It's ok to say "I'm autistic"!

[@vickicarringer4235]

Yes, it's hard wanting to connect with others but simultaneously wanting to be alone. Then you feel guilty for not wanting to be bothered. It's very confusing.

[@ghoulishtoad]

Dude. Being told to "let it go" is the story of my life.

[@Baptized_in_Fire.]

Thank you. I really appreciate your comment.

[@DaxRaider]

As child it went as bad as severe suicidal risk for me. As adult being able to be alone long time helped me alot. I see my friends like once a few months and thank God one of them always invites me no matter I didn't for decades. These people are the heroes

[@Arcane_Circuit]

"I am honest. Why would anyone not want to be honest?" This sums up so much of the dissonant static I struggle with. Thank you for being you.

[@deluxeedition46]

Yea this comment story of mylife it even written down visually seems so logical i never understand the nurotypical masses cant understand this way of thinking

[@Rar830]

@@deluxeedition46Right, yet over the course of my life I’ve been constantly taught that lying is good, honesty is bad and anytime I’m honest “it’s oh their joking” or negative reinforcement my old friend. Honesty’s a virtue, but man do I find it difficult to be honest, unless it’s with small things, which I can take the negative backlash from in tiny doses so it’s fine.

[@IhaytFukkingsocialmedia]

I always say GOODNESS and decency all start with honesty. Nothing is possible without it. NTs know this but they dgaf.

[@DJ-iu5bb]

he starting to break down alot of things that even the things that Special Ed Teachers even at the best schools they just didnt get it like I felt like Gaslighted all my life

[@GothamandGomorrah]

Every day I think about this

[@WomanofZion7]

It is so hard when you're honest and people laugh at you. I told my boss that I was 5 minutes late as soon as I got in and she laughed at me and said why did you even tell me that i never would have known. I felt so bad because I was just being honest and showing integrity. It didn't even cross my mind not say anything or to sneak in. I just knew being late was wrong and I wanted to be truthful about what I did wrong.

[@Domingos1878]

After another hiding by my dad, my mum once said " you're too honest for your own good, that's your problem". It really messed my head up but you know what, she was right. Being honest in a dishonest world has left me vulnerable or exposed on many occasions. I can totally relate with your comment, like why would you even contemplate lying haha. I also tie loyalty into this as well, too loyal for my own good.

[@Jake12220]

I've done way worse... I once did something l knew my supervisor wouldn't approve of and left a note explaining to my manager what l did, why l did it and why l didn't ask my supervisor for approval (they were a spineless idiot more afraid of getting in trouble than caring about doing what was needed). In the end l had to have a chat with the department head who essentially said next time just don't tell anyone.

[@WomanofZion7]

@@Domingos1878 yes, the loyalty thing has hurt me a lot in the past too. I am continually working to do better.

[@farahmughal]

I'm like this. I speak the truth. If I don't, I feel weird inside. I think everyone should be truthful!

[@WomanofZion7]

@@farahmughal Me too, we would have a much better world if everyone was truthful.

[@SteveBenway]

As someone with ASD, who was once married to a covert narcissist, I found this very helpful for understanding some of what happened during that time. Thank you.

[@ronswimss5808]

I hope you doing okay sorry man i also have ASD

[@christopherleubner6633]

Damn that's the worst. Hope you are doing better. I went through that and ended up losing everything but my physical life. The discard was brutal.😢

[@LobotomyTC]

Hopefully you learned better than to trust someone again.

[@HappiShelly]

I keep praying for a cure. No one else has to take it but I just want to be like everyone else for one day

[@gracebe235]

I was diagnosed as Aspergers late in my life. I am finding that there are a truckload of sociopaths and psychopaths, that prey on empathic people. I’ve learned to not be their ‘victim’…..by out-a$$-holing them at their own game. They always try to use me and get as much out of me as they can for their own selfish purposes. I have learned to say ‘no’. It was hard in the beginning, because I like to be a helpful person by nature. But when you have been used AND ABUSED by these types enough times, you start to see a pattern that is inexcusable. I now TOTALLY avoid these individuals. I feel that they are not good for my mental health 😊. I find that getting nasty people out of my life, leaves more room for nicer people to enter. There are still a few family members that I cannot get away from for the time being, but when the opportunity to leave presents itself, it will be a welcome experience. Life is too short to spend it with people who are abusive and chronically impatient.

[@ELFTHESAILORMAN]

Same . Big same I feel like a beacon that predators are attracted to .

[@anaficionadoofmentalbreakdowns]

So, you were manipulated and "thrown under the bus" by your peers for being generally good natured, been alienated and invalidated by certain family members, and the best part, being autistic makes one "communicatively challenged" when it comes to interacting with people by default. Yet, you also realized that a major cure for your problems are to ultimately separate and disconnect within a timely and healthy fashion from said family members. Wow, you summed up my current personal struggles thus far. Best of effort and tread lightly out there.

[@srldwg]

@@anaficionadoofmentalbreakdowns I have been taken advantage of by other Autistic people. I have to understand that sensing vulnerability, is sensing vulnerability.

[@LilChuunosuke]

My parents taught me that i was made to be seen & not heard from a young age & every time i tried to be myself, i was shamed, bullied, and punished. I didn't even realize I was neurodivergent until around a year ago because I had no idea who I was outside of a mask. The more I've started to learn who I am unmasked, the more people have pushed me away. The more I've been honest for not understanding social cues instead of apologizing & accepting I'm a bad person, the more I'm shamed and shunned. Society has taught me from day 1 i can only be loved if i wear a mask 24/7. But at this point, I'm sick of masking. I want to know who i am. It's a lifelong journey and I have to start 23 years late because I was never allowed to find out before now.

[@steben3318]

Rage, rage against the machine. 'Shamed, bullied and punished' are not the actions of goodness. Ask yourself do you want to be loved or validated by sick people? At least they show you how not to be, the rest is your choice. Hope I'm not speaking out of turn and as someone else already said who has better talents at looking within than you?

[@bestoboth]

I felt every single one of your words, and am just now at almost 50 years frickin' old starting to figure out who I am, unmasked... I even masked myself, TO MYSELF... out of shame and the fear that maybe I was just really crazy... Now, I am just beginning a whole new life of learning about myself... but finally, the pieces are starting to fit... Best of luck to you in your journey! ❤️‍🩹

[@LilChuunosuke]

@@bestoboth I'm sorry you were forced to live with a mask for so long, but I'm glad you were finally able to start discovering your true self now. So many poor souls live and die never knowing who they truly are. Make the most of the rest of your life & show the world what they've been missing out on all these years. You deserve to thrive. ✨️

[@bestoboth]

@@LilChuunosuke Thank you, and we all deserve that!Here's to the journey 🙃

[@wendywalker7495]

I have not been diagnosed but am seeing a psychology intern twice a month. He doesn't seem to understand autism, but the more educated I become, the more I believe I am. I too, was told to "disappear, go away, we don't want you in here since the 'adults' are talking" I learned to be invisible. In 5th grade, I was proud to have perfect attendance because I never missed a day. When I wasn't called up for the award, the teacher said, "Well when I call your name, I can barely hear you," which was very true. I lived by practically whispering because I was told to be invisible around adults and it just became my way of being. If I was asked to answer a question, I would become beet red. I just wanted to disappear. I get jealous when people join the herd and I am l left out. Then I realize, that if they DID invite me, that I would probably decline, which is confusing. I think I am jealous that they all have a bond, not because I want to be in that group. Took me a while to figure that out. I am ostracized at work because I try to give feedback on conversations that I feel I have some input on. I have interrupted meetings going on in the other room and looked like an idiot. Now if I feel that need to barge in with my unsolicited "expertise," I remove myself from the room and go outside, or into the bathroom until that need passes. Neurotypical people don't deal with this kind of stuff I don't think. I just wish I could get a diagnosis so I can get more help understanding this and learn to accept myself. The thought of suicide from self hate is real, and I don't think I would ever do it, but I need to find "my people."

[@theonlytori7479]

Instead of self hatred, I end up loathing the world at large. And it really gets to me. The fact that nobody cares to think about neurodiversity (in my community) but me, the fact that I've never had access to accommodations, the fact that i struggle so hard to speak properly and people see that as some sort of effing weakness. It's disgusting and it makes me want to explode, all of the details that I can see but nobody else cares to see. It's INFURIATING

[@adrianp7574]

You’re not alone, I promise you. Like my comment if you want to talk about it. (My notifs are set different)

[@dtoons1100]

Same, now that I’m on medication, I am more angry at the world than I am myself.

[@GattoCatto_]

I have that too. I hate everyone else rather than myself. Sometimes I do not like how I am myself (problems with finding healthy safe foods and I HATE showering but I have to :( ), but I mostly hate the unaccepting people. People are so cruel, and for what? I have done nothing wrong, I'm just different. I always feel like I never get given a chance, and that people look at me like a 1-dimensional character.

[@LobotomyTC]

No, you're right to hate the world at large. Depending on the kind of person you are, you may also be right to hate yourself. It is what it is.

[@bibsp3556]

Me too. I'm working on it, but I fume

[@stacig5997]

I think a lot of the self hatred comes from family/society trying to change you to make you act "normal." Autistic female here and I have an autistic son and I promised that his experience would be different than mine. I don't shame his stims or his speech that others say are inappropriate, I tell him everyday that he is an example of all that is right and beautiful in this world. I am happy to say that he does not have depression and does not hate himself. I think environment is like 90% of this self-hatred. I did not have the same experience and struggle with what you are talking about Orion. Thank you for your post.

[@Zerschnetzler]

As an autistic guy myself, i have NEVER been in a comment section with as many people i understand and can relate to. Feels absolutely amazing to see how many others there are with the same problems as me and knowing im not the only one

[@elouan5092]

same thing for me...

[@axelbrackeniers5488]

I watched this video recently and i thought i was just mentally broken but watching this….. literally every single thing he says is relatable… life would be way easier if we all understood each other like this

[@josephinetracy1485]

I still haven't the faintest idea what autism is. Apparently it's a type of mental retardation.

[@Lawrence-St.Lawrence1701]

You just described me in this video. I have never been formally diagnosed, but I've always known something was different about me. When I was 9 or ten years old, my mother took me to a clinic at a hospital to have tests run on me due to the fact that I couldn't pay attenttion in school. I went once a week for like a month or so. At the last visit, which was when the doctor gave her final diagnosis. She shared the diagnosis confidentially with my mother. As we were walking out of the hospital that day, I asked my mother about what the doctor said about me and she said the doctor told her that I just wasn't trying hard enough, which i know was incorrect now when I reflect back on this. Either the doctor was an idiot or my mother was lying, which I believe to be the latter. This was around 1972/73. I know that major advancements have been made in this field since then, but I'll never know what the doctor's actual diagnosis was. My mother is still alive, but I'll never bring it up to her because I know she'll never take responsibility for what she told me that day. My father handled this even worse. Every six weeks when report cards came out he would beat me. I told him I would try really hard for the next six weeks, but after another six weeks I was beat again. He would bully me and tell me I was dumb the rest of the time. When he would try to help me study, which he had no patience for, he would slap me across the face every time I gave him the wrong answer. I have to say that back then, some parents were just stupid and truly clueless. He passed in 2017 and I had no emotion about his death whatsoever and I still don't today. My son is on the autism spectrum and I vowed that he would never experience what I did growing up and he never has. He is 30 yo now and he has quite an enjoyable life. My apologies on a very long vent. Thank you for what you do!

[@silmf3613]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you have healed from the mental and physical abuse you experienced. 😓

[@davidsullivan5700]

My story is the same one .....

[@1SavageQueen89]

I’m sorry that you went through that Lawrence. You didn’t deserve that. I’m glad you treated your son better than you were treated.

[@gabeangel8104]

I'm sorry you went through that. I don't know what country you're in but some countries you have the right to get access to your full medical records from your whole life so you should be able to find out from that what was actually said back then if it works that way where you are

[@Baptized_in_Fire.]

I always hated when they would act like my own information was top secret and couldn't be revealed to me. I was in my twenties before anyone recognized I was autistic. Spent 15 years knowing but not understanding it. Just starting to learn what about me is autism vs what's not autistic traits or whatever. Most Drs are c students. Bell curve distribution. So they probably are just dumb.

[@TrippiePineapplz]

The volume thing is interesting to me. You speak of louder or faster, but my experience is that NTs give me feedback that they can't hear me because Im speaking too quiet, but then when I need to speak loudly (due to a busy loud environment), Im heard as if Im yelling or aggressive and auto-labeled a b#$%. I cant with this world any more.

[@Baptized_in_Fire.]

I get louder the more excited(good or bad emotion) I am. If calm I'm pretty quiet, but if upset my voice only makes things worse when I'm trying to work thru an issue with someone. Some even have made me feel bad even after explaining I literally can't control my voice. I hate it. It ruins everything

[@wiegraf9009]

I really understand the burden mentality. For myself as someone who is AuDHD it usually means feeling like I'm "unreliable" and therefore undeserving of care and inclusion. Thankfully some of my good traits mean some people want to keep me around. I don't know how long that will last but I appreciate it while it's true

[@iamharper]

hey wiegraf is my fav ftt guy

[@wiegraf9009]

@@iamharper Nice! Same 😉

[@iamharper]

@@wiegraf9009 I have AuDHD and I played soooooo much FFT honestly might be my favorite Final Fantasy owo

[@wiegraf9009]

:) Same!! @@iamharper

[@J3w3lz4nn]

That's why I stopped talking to people and started avoiding as much as possible.

[@jellyfish_adventures9877]

I bounce back and forth between not talking to anyone (I'm in a very small grad program of 8 people and we have to be together 7hrs every day!) and trying only to 'fail' again. It makes me feel pathetic

[@evaneichenberger845]

I totally get it

[@zeeenno]

@@jellyfish_adventures9877 grad school is hard, especially for autistic people. Go easy on yourself. Try not to compare yourself to others, just do what feels right for you

[@jellyfish_adventures9877]

@@zeeenno thankyou, I appreciate your encouragement!

[@Jake12220]

I've took the social path, found where it led and decided, screw this shit, l'm going home. Honestly it takes so much time and effort to maintain a social group and relationships, they can so easily burn me out over time. Currently lm in a rebuilding phase of my life so have very little in the way of social interaction. I know at some point l will go back to it, but l do so more because l feel its something lm meant to do than something l actually want.

[@ashmac87]

Internalized ableism and self-hatred can be completely paralyzing. I'm finally working through mine and learning to appreciate the "bad" traits that I possess.

[@LobotomyTC]

You can't be ableist against yourself, if you're disabled. These are just have and have-not buzzwords that universities try to program people with. Self-hatred is apt, there's no need to bring the class struggle to the individual level.

[@halcyonzenith4411]

Whenever I think the situation is hopeless, I try to remember that I am on a ball of dirt flying through space, and the dominant species here are psychopathic apes with a history that makes horror films not at all scary by comparison. The fact that they don’t decide to burn me alive because they had a bad crop this year is something to be thankful for.

[@marycampbell41]

My 25 year daughter was recently diagnosed with level one ASD, after enduring years of rejection and bullying, not only from her peers but from trusted adults in her life. As a parent, I feel tremendous guilt for not recognizing the signs earlier. In a heart breaking turn of events, her younger sister now refuses to speak with or interact with her. After years of being her biggest advocate and defender, it’s too painful for her. Ironically, the 25 year old is accepting her diagnosis, seeing a therapist who specializes in ASD, and is making progress in her life toward a promising future. Maybe you can address sibling relationships in a future segment? Thank you. So much of what you said today resonates.

[@logansaxby7224]

Your other daughter may be a narcissist if that's her response to her sister improving herself. Your other daughter probably needs therapy as well and I'm not trying to be rude. Even if she's not narcissistic that is not a healthy response

[@ciaraskeleton]

Hi I'm 25, recently diagnosed! Reading this was like reading my own mum's post or something, I actually had to double check. I no longer speak to my older sister (she's 43, Almost a decade older than me) almost as soon as I found out I was Autistic I was confident enough to tell my mum about years of abuse that my sister put me through and made me keep secret. I know your daughter's situation is very different there, your younger daughter might just be processing things in her own way, taking time to come to terms with things. On siblings and Autism, I notice that most Autistic people have issues with Non-Autistic Siblings because the Non-Autistic sibling believes we get more attention. Even though the Autistic person cannot help needing more support, the non autistic sibling can feel enraged that the Autistic sibling gets 'special treatment'. That's how it played out in my family, and how it's playing out with my nieces. One hates the other for getting 'special treatment' even though the one getting 'special treatment' just needs extra learning support. If your 25 year old daughter is happy to step forward in her new found identity, let her. There is probably a valid reason why she's okay without having her sister around anymore. ❤

[@randomname4726]

​@@logansaxby7224 My siblings bullied me for being weird growing up. And now they wonder why we are not close. I'm 38 and find it very hard to talk to them most of the time because I'm awkward.

[@bibsp3556]

Tell your daughter to stop being an ahole to her autistic sibling.

[@northernskies86]

Even when I’m masking, I still feel unwanted and invisible to everyone. It’s such a mental drain having to mask daily and still be treated as if you’re invisible. I’ve been struggling with depression and self loathing most of my life because of this. The worst part is, It’s not something I can change. It’s like I was given a binding curse in life. I’m sick of neurotypicals saying “autism is a gift” when it makes living a happy and social life nearly impossible. Sorry if this came off as ranty but the struggle of being on the spectrum is not something to be ignored.

[@jimicunningable]

I"m recently diagnosed, "rants" like these are very validating and illuminating to me right now. So, ty.

[@jlbisafreakandaconspiracyn1219]

No it’s not a gift . I would like to see how I can get diagnosed

[@PanicbyExample]

@@jlbisafreakandaconspiracyn1219 my understanding is that going to a licensed therapist, a psychiatrist, for example, can result in their being able to diagnose for signs of autism

[@gilbertosantos2806]

100% To me, i would do anything to cure my Autism. It's caused me absolutely noting but pain and agony. I am condemmed to never find happiness in myself or the things i love. I am condemmed to never experience love and intimacy, i am condemmed to always be living on borrowed time. I know you can't really "cure" autism, and thats the worst part. It means i'm stuck with this fucking curse.

[@chrisbab6553]

@@PanicbyExample I would risk death to cure it, fk everybody saying, hahaha, you can't cure it or you'll always be like that.

[@hazelbrownn]

I'm 57 and recently diagnosed. It explains a lot, like why people have always called me wierd! I tend to just stay away from people now, it's easier.

[@Wolit51]

I'm older also and have just given up interacting with people when I can avoid it. It seems like every thing I say is taken wrong. I'm tired of accidently offending people.

[@hazelbrownn]

@@Wolit51 yes I know what you mean.

[@Stormbrise]

I have given up on people and ex-friends because they could not forgive or talk to me about the little transgressions my autistic self communicates. If they are offended by me then I do not need them. I do not need to chase friends. Either accept me, or just leave me alone. I have friends there that will communicate to me that that was not a great thing to say at the time, or do you really mean this phrase that you said, and we are able to talk through the social faux pas and miscommunications that happen so easily. The others, they’re not worth the effort when they go and sulk, do not tell you that you upset them, and then become passive aggressive towards you and you totally miss that. Then the worst of it, when they need something you’re good at they will come to you and use you for that skill. These are just abusive people and do not need to be in my life.

[@femaleshapeshifter5678]

Look I have undiagnosed level 1 autism and I don't have many friends or a lover. However I am a college graduate and I am studying to be an art therapist for autistic people. I want to help them accept who they are and learn coping mechanisms in their life but also use art to umlnderstand how they feel. Don't feel ashamed, maybe make flashcards with conversation starters and mirror the people around you to understand on how to be reserve, calm, and others. Please don't cry or feel ashamed, ❤🤗😊

[@Strange9952]

Yeah well I think other people are "weird" their choices, actions and ideas seem absurd to me, they want to follow the herd, they do not question themselves or their world, and they act like they know everything. I hate them. I guess I admit I have a strong dislike towards myself as well. I was never diagnosed. People are so annoying and I hate this stupid world.

[@shywithsprinkles_5619]

It just feels like I’m constantly misunderstanding people’s expectations of me and feeling overwhelmed constantly and like I have to mute my emotions infront of other people, I have massive a complex about what people think about me

[@evanryan4989]

I'm not autistic. I relate deeply to this. At a very young age I learned that I was a burden on my family and the world around me, of no value and just causing problems. Also that if I expressed any dark feelings, I was being disrespectful, hurtful and inappropriate. I internalized all this and somehow lived this lie until recently. I didn't allow myself to take school or work seriously, believing I didn't deserve it and will only screw up. I found ways to fool people so I could survive parasitically. Now, I am middle aged and working every day to push through the screaming self hatred, to improve myself and work toward becoming a contributing member of society. It is very painful. Thank you for making this video.

[@LobotomyTC]

The worst part is that society softened to the point where you can't get in a good old fashioned scuffle with someone without going to jail. That was and should still be, the glue that holds polite society together. So many times I've had to restrain myself from doing the only thing that would get me out of a bad situation that would reinforce my low self-opinion. "How about a broken nose, motherfucker?" would have done wonders for my self-worth when people treated me as the problem.

[@adamnichols476]

I have always held the opinion that the self hatred is from the fact we can see our failures and weaknesses and focus on them, while NT people tend to not be that introspective and think everyone likes them.

[@typing_social_catalyst]

My experience as well, thanks for sharing

[@williamgreene4834]

Yes, we see our failures and weaknesses and we will remember them forever. The list keeps getting longer. :)

[@terryrich7235]

This is me! Self-hatred, no self worth. It’s why I’ve never asked for a raise or why I felt guilty if I was hired for a job, thinking that my employer shouldn’t even give me insurance benefits, etc. Staying awake at night, cursing myself for all the foolish remarks I made or stupid things I did & wishing I could go back in time & fix them. It’s why I love kids so much & embrace their unconditional acceptance of me. It’s exhausting to be an adult in a world I often cannot understand how to deal with.

[@lyndah9185]

Not just see our failures but {{{ feel }}} them 😢

[@DirectorDelta]

@@lyndah9185like the literal feeling of a gut punch everytime I remember some idiot thing I said/did

[@rolypolyragbear0]

being autistic comes with so much shame, exhaustion, and anxiety sometimes and even though that is absolutely not every aspect of it its really important to talk about openly i think

[@sethglenn9022]

This is why the average life expectancy for people with ASD is only 39 years instead of a healthy 73-77. And it's so weird knowing this piece information at 31 years old and experiencing this phenomenon of hating yourself more and more each day. Suicidal ideation is so commonplace for us that it truly shocks NT's. It's not that I hate myself so much that I want to off myself, it's just I wish I wasn't dealt the hand I was given. Another thing that stuck out to me in your video was the fact that society is disabling us. This world is built for NTs. Every solution for me and people like me depend of us not having what we have. My true self wouldn't need to go to work, I could sit around and read or play video games all day, or play in a stream with my kids. But the act of going to work, having to overcome constant demand avoidance, function executively, just burns me out EVERY DAY. And I bring that home to my family.

[@insertname3977]

Makes you wonder what was the death rates centuries ago, when there was even less understanding amongst the general populace, plus the issue of if we didn't work alongside them, we would starve and die.

[@kevinristau4668]

Please continue to educate those of us who are not autistic. I’m educating myself about autism so that I can better interact, help, and encourage those in my life with autism.

[@arosem7990]

I've always felt like an alien cosplaying as a human. Not quite understanding what it is to be human, but not able to be myself or else you end up in the scientists lab. When the world is set up for neurotypical people and you need to continuously adapt to it, you feel the need to justify your existence.

[@Ryan-tk4kg]

Self-loathing and hatred have been with me for as long as i can remember. The self-disgust and the feeling of burden feels more dense and heavy as I get older. I'm 48 and just recently figured out that I am autistic. Having a reason for how i am does provide some degree of relief. But very little. Thank you for this video. You articulate exactly how I feel but lack the ability to put into words. Life feels like a dark paradox.

[@deluxeedition46]

You not alone brother, entire generations of youth gone undiagnosed, hopefully you got family friends around to support you.

[@comedyshortspussy7900]

Don’t worry brother we are all in this together, your not alone. I’m 18 years old and been facing the social issues since young and wanting to be on my own, nowadays I’ve just accepted it for what it is and enjoy myself whatever I’m doing, greatness awaits us in our next lives🙏

[@ctfplumbing4910]

@@comedyshortspussy7900I’m 13 about to be 14 and experiencing the same thing 😢

[@jaybirdk7414]

I’m 48 myself. My diagnosis was high-functioning, back in 1991. Had I been diagnosed a bit later, it probably would have been Asperger’s. Funny, but I never realized that my sense of self hate was rooted in my affliction. Mind you, I don’t regard autism as a “handicap”, but more of a “superpower”. My mind can work easily in ways that neurotypical minds find difficult, if not impossible. But the self-hate had always been there. I suppose it’s hard for the neurotypical resource people (or caretakers, if you will) to understand that facet, as many of us don’t know to even present it, or bring it to bear. Our “learning disabilities” have always been the focus, so the emotional side of things can easily be overlooked by people who don’t know they even exist. You are not alone, and you have many who empathize. The struggle is real, as they say.

[@enfieldjohn101]

Yes it is a paradox: on the one hand, we are told to be ourselves and 'come out' and stop hiding our real feelings more and more today, yet if out true self is too far away from what is considered acceptable, we have to go back in the closet and wish we had never tried to come out in the first place. I dare say that we aspies have an even harder time of it than nonbinaries or LBGTs do because our difference more all encompassing. It's not a difference in only one aspect of daily life, it's a difference in all aspects.

[@videocliplover]

I’ve been told many times to change but never told what’s actually wrong that I’m doing.

[@EinDahl]

I wish that, as a neurotypical person, I had been provided with a broader education in general psychology, in differing perspectives, in disorders and neurodivergence in general. It's likely due to some neurotypical bias determining what's "worthy" of teaching and what isn't. No one should ever have to hate themselves for being themselves simply because their particular differences aren't widely recognized or understood. I'm truly sorry that you have to shoulder that feeling because of our own shortcomings. It wasn't until I fell in love with a neurodiverse man that I started to look into this more deeply and the idea that he's had to go through life measuring himself by the standards of people who aren't anything at all like him sounds so exhausting and frustrating and I can't even imagine. Who he is, is wonderful. Thank you for putting these videos out. They're so helpful for people like me striving to understand, well, more.

[@sneakyelbow2254]

Constantly masking is exhausting. It drains so much mental and emotional energy. (For example: I just rewrote those sentences six times to make sure they were "acceptable" and would be interpreted as I intended.) But if I let that mask down and let others see my authentic self, I will be misunderstood and sometimes people will interpret my actions and words as rude or offensive or somehow malicious. At the very least, interacting with me will become difficult and uncomfortable for them. My authentic self burdens others. As I do not want to burden others, my authentic self is unacceptable. So of course I hate myself. Of course I work hard to mask my authentic self, even to the point of complete burnout. Of course I physically hide away from others when I do become burnt out. I do this, not only to protect others from having to deal with me but also to protect myself from being judged and subsequently punished by them.

[@Jake12220]

I was diagnosed when l was 20 and it really helped explain a lot of my issues when l was younger. Over the next decade l had monthly meetings with a psychiatrist who eventually retired from clinical practice to become dean of psychology at the local university. Before retiring she mentioned that l was the most well adjusted autistic person she had ever known, which is a little bit of a double edged compliment, but it was an achievement for me as l had put a huge amount of time and effort into trying to understand how neurotypicals think(because a lot of their behaviours are seriously messed up). A lot of my appointments were spent trying to understand what was a normal thought, behaviour or trait vs an autistic one. Otherwise they were spent talking about my incredibly messed up relationships (hilarious at times) or just talking about the most recent research. In the end l was fully capable of holding a job, having a social network, having long term relationships and whatever else l needed to feel 'normal', but now l have basically thrown all of that away, because it wasn't me. These days l live alone on a huge property with my dog and have endless things to keep me occupied, but almost no social interaction other than chatting online with a few girls l used to know (or one that annoyingly calls instead of texting). The thing l learnt along the way was that some people will accept you if you don't hide or mask who you are. So long as you can accept some people won't like it but that you really don't need them to, then you will be fine. Nobody will be liked by everyone and looking for approval by those that don't like us can cause a lot of harm, but there are people that will love us regardless of how messed up we can be at times, or at least they will so long as we let them. But... Sadly it's all too easy to decide life is just easier without other people, relationships be they social or romantic are a lot of work and require constant maintenance and l tend to prioritise other things in my life. At some point l will probably become more social again, it seems like something l am meant to do, though honestly lm not entirely sure it's worth the trouble.

[@Jake12220]

And yes l feel like rewriting what l wrote, but sometimes it's better to leave your mistakes and clarify misunderstandings later.

[@sneakyelbow2254]

@@Jake12220 That's a lovely message. I also found much more happiness as I got more comfortable letting the mask slip occasionally and just being myself. I'm reminded of this silly thing I read in a horoscope personality chart (not that I believe in that sort of stuff except for a bit of fun). It said "Secretly you nourish the desire to be involved in human situations, but you apparently have lost the ability to relate to other people. A little more openness and confidence in your loved ones could be a good course to follow." and I had never read anything more true about myself in my life! 🤣

[@Jake12220]

@@sneakyelbow2254 Wow it's a bit like the infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters idea, read enough random horoscopes and you're sure to find some that are eerily accurate. The older l get the more l like to play with how people can misunderstand me. I look at the world in a very different way, so a lot of my thoughts can sound horrible until l explain them further. Knowing this l will occasionally say things that l know will throw people, they will think the worst until l explain the reasoning and they generally end up agreeing with my point of view. In part it's just my messed up form of humour, l really am just playing with them, but it also serves to make them understand how differently l think about things which makes for less issues and more acceptance in cases where lm not playing and just say something that comes across badly. Total side note, but my last ex was of Scottish descent and had multi tonal blond hair, so very pale skin like yours and gorgeous long hair. It sounds nice, but it created some odd issues for her. Things like a woman getting into an argument with her for refusing to tell her who coloured her (completely natural) hair or random Japanese tourists wanting photos with her when she was just out shopping or going for a walk. By the look of your profile picture you have a very distinct look, lm just wondering if it creates any odd issues like that or if my ex was just well odd... Totally cool if you want to ignore this, l do get how it's generally inappropriate to comment on someone's appearance in comment sections, lm just curious.

[@sneakyelbow2254]

@@Jake12220 Yeah I definitely get a lot of comments on my hair. My sister has the best story about this 'phenomenon' though. She was travelling in East Timor, in a remote village and a group of children came up to her all wanting to touch her hair. After talking with one of the locals, she found out that in their culture, there is a demon/god with red hair. They had never seen anyone with red hair in real life before, so they thought she was a god!

[@karenlockridge7392]

Makes me feel like I want to disappear or cease to exist, but not harm myself.

[@lukemallon4499]

Yes, Karen. My whole life I'd have to explain to people the difference between not wanting to live, and wanting to di. ❤️

[@user-tk3ou5ru1n]

Growing up with undiagnosed adhd and autism I was taught to blame myself for the way I am and to dismiss any of my concerns. It caused my ashma to go undiagnosed for years, my airways are damaged now. My abusive ex used that self doubt against me. It got so bad I developed ptsd because of him. Realizing those things probably would not have happened if I had been neurotypical hurt, a lot.

[@LobotomyTC]

Gotta catch 'em all, right?

[@ketsial5669]

The most heartbreaking thing is going unnoticed your whole life and looking back at photos and thinking how could no one point this out my whole life. Then sharing with your family on your own as an adult that you’re autistic and them completely denying your reality.

[@Erik-the-Southern-Viking]

Some Families will Deny it to the Grave. I've found it best not to tell too many of them...

[@IceCreamSplat]

That "you grow to hate yourself more and more everyday" really gets me because to be honest? I've never hated or disliked myself. I've been proud of myself and the things I can do and my qualities for all my life. However being in my mid twenties living alone it's just really hitting me how fucking alone I am. The short interactions I have with classmates during my uni classes is far from enough, and only hanging out with my parents isn't exactly the social interactions I imagined as a young adult. All I want is a life partner to share my life with, but everytime I try to reach out I just get disappointed and end up in the self loathing spiral again...

[@spankyspork5808]

In my experience, having a life partner does not necessarily make you feel any less alone, and can in fact make things worse.

[@frog6054]

Finding someone to be friends or partners is extremely difficult.

[@ericxb]

it is hard. we're all gonna find our communities, and this thread is part of them.

[@batll0]

OOF I feel this :P

[@leighbrown1545]

I know the feeling I would suggest that you’re life partner will be autistic and you will find when you meet that the interaction won’t feel like hard work it will feel natural I also believe that autistic people are more evolved than neuro typical people and that we communicate on a higher level subconsciously perhaps on a quantum level don’t laugh in fifty years from now we will be developing technologies that only work for autistic people trust me scientists recently said our generation will be the last to die or the first to live forever I believe it’s possible for that

[@matthewk7507]

I'm both glad and deeply saddened by the fact, that I am not the only one that feels this way.

[@potatoesindrag4095]

The worst feeling we have in life is feeling alone, or feeling left out for feeling. Chin up and be your own harbour in this shit sea we call life, after all being out to sea all them is exhausting and lonely.

[@bestoboth]

#TRUEFACTS I have read every single comment feeling that exact thing... SO SAD for my fellow misunderstood humans, but simultaneously comforted having the knowledge, maybe for the first time in my entire nearly 50 years of life, that I am NOT ALONE!

[@KingRizzle]

I’m autistic myself and I always feel like nobody likes me and they hate me so much I always feel down depressed alone and like I’m not worth loving and I don’t matter

[@anzulove7457]

This is exactly what I'm feeling...

[@friednoodles666]

got diagnosed in early adulthood. went thru a grieving period because I'm the oldest of 3 autistic boys with an autistic mother but my middle brother got acknowledged as having it but me and baby brother didn't, bc we are both quiet with niche artistic special interests. middle brother is the "smart productive" autistic that is natural at engineering, repairing things, etc. I'm deeply proud of him for everything he is accomplishing already in his teens now. but if people had supported me as much as they did him i wouldnt daily deal with the passive feeling that if i died I wouldn't be a weight on everyone around me. it's so sad. if anyone sees this know you are valuable and do deserve acceptance. the world is missing out on a lot of cool folks.

[@martinkaczynski8526]

This world really is missing out on many, many neuro diverse cool folks; and that in particular includes autistic people.

[@donovangray4246]

I have NEVER heard anyone explain the internal experience of my entire growing up and life experience until this very day. Thank you so much!

[@stanrix]

Although I am not diagnosed, I live by rules. I have had many a rant just like yours in my life (always to a mirror instead) 😆 I have zero friends. I sit alone during lunch breaks or deliberately stagger my breaks. I don’t joke. As soon as a conversation at work starts going “jokey” I head for the door. All my conversations have a purpose and are completely literal. I avoid opinions and remarks on anything political or workplace drama. These are the best ways of slipping under the radar and not upsetting people. 😊

[@mainecoon6514]

I too spend my breaks alone avoiding conversations that are political and avoid the workplace drama. I say as little as possible to slip under the radar with little chance of offending others.

[@machinegurlll]

Honestly the joking rule is something I need to follow. Thanks

[@archieg8009]

I relate to this completely,

[@agdgdgwngo]

I'm the complete opposite, though I hate jokes at someone's expense. I have the capacity to be extremely social in specific circumstances. I love to talk about interests and news and things but I switch off during talk about day to day life.

[@AutisticAwakeActivist]

Same

[@winternightmarecrochet]

Ah. Totally relate. It becomes more and more expensive to be myself. If I show the slightest bit of myself, people magically disappear. Hmmm. I must be a magician 😒 And what people don't realize is this is not just tied to self worth. It's just people proving to you over and over that the world is not made for you or willing to accomodate you. And as much as you want to fight, well it's exhausting.

[@evo2808]

Painfully relatable. It's like, the second you show even a single "flaw" they're all running away like you got the plague. Meanwhile you just dealt with their shitty traits and the second one of yours comes to the surface they're gone.

[@youtubeenjoyerer]

You hit the nail on the head with this. I'm 40 and I'm probably more tired of life than an 80 year old. I'm at the point where I just want to drop out of society completely

[@Erik-the-Southern-Viking]

I have dropped out - I now live in a Cabin in the Woods. Best move I ever made!

[@LobotomyTC]

Can't believe it took you until 40 to realize that. I was 16 when I made innawoods my life's goal.

[@Erik-the-Southern-Viking]

Orion, this is one of your BEST VideosI I have been persecuted & victimised (& Fired) in the workplace because of this...... Bosses, Coworkers, partners just DONT GET US in Most Situations / Interactions

[@jackiemarch5652]

It’s only in the last few months that I’ve realised I’m probably autistic. I’m 77! This video resonates sooo much with me, thank you. The first Covid lockdown showed me so much. I felt so good because I wasn’t allowed out…I had permission to stay at home. I didn’t feel guilty about it. This was probably when I started to question and no, I’m not going to get diagnosed…I’ve managed thus far, though it’s getting harder. Sorry to share, but it’s good to be able to say this!

[@chiligirl21]

I was SO envious of Victorians in forced lockdowns!

[@doreengair47]

Hi Jackie, I've just read Yr comment. I'm a 75 year old female and always knew I was different and was diagnosed with Autism around 6 months ago. We've lived our lives not knowing but my diagnosis has helped me understand who and why I am as I am. Maybe it would help you to understand yourself also with a diagnosis. My best wishes to you...

[@lapacesiaconvoi]

i hope i can get to that age and achieve some kind of peace

[@joannelind6682]

Well done! I can totally relate and understand exactly where you're coming from.. hugs from across the ditch. ❤

[@enfieldjohn101]

I'm glad that you did share this and that channels like Orions are here where we can share without being rejected.

[@Sharonmxg]

That sensation of being a burden or a wrench in the gears can be so overwhelming.

[@marcosburian1750]

I'm 46, diagnosed at 40. And since then it's just like Albert Camus said, "Nobody Realizes That Some People Expend Tremendous Energy Merely To Be Normal" - it is a losing battle at times...and nobody even believes you - "You've got a degree, you've got a job, you CAN'T be autistic..." Oh, the the wonderful world of neurotypicals...

[@brianmeen2158]

Yeah the immense energy I put into doing basic things is frustrating. I get so easily drained in social situations - I’m just straight up avoiding them more and more now . That’s not healthy but masking constantly isn’t either

[@VO1D333]

I can relate so much too. Its so hard to talk to even my family every single day. Their reactions hurt and pretty much weekly i wish i just never was born. 😢 And i switch between sad and angry a lot and all i do is stay at home 99% of the time completely alone.

[@mackenziedrake]

The needs and expectations of the NT majority are a burden on us as well. I have honest anger and frustration mixed in with the self-loathing, and I consider it valid.

[@natalie-723]

right. but since they're in the majority we're seen as the flawed ones.

[@blondequijote]

@@natalie-723 and when we succeed in normie society they’re evil villain billionaires. This non-Magic world isn’t for us. The magic world is.

[@madeliner1682]

The double empathy problem in a nutshell.

[@curtismaul2552]

Only difference is our needs are based on survival their needs are ego based.

[@shanesorensen7878]

Native American values suit us better as autistics than neurotypical.

[@stina7394]

An old supervisor told me “that’s what I love about you. No question is ever a dumb question” when I asked for clarification about a task. Hearing things like this all the time, since I was a child. And people talk down to me about being insecure

[@KarenGagne-hx6su]

Hey there, I'm newly self-diagnosed at the age of 58... (fifty f*ng eight!) I have spent my whole life going through the cycle you described in this video. Your explanations were so spot on and so very validating to me! Thank you so much!

[@MissNikkiDawson]

Almost cried a couple times watching this. I'd like to show this video to my mom who is nearly always offended by my tone or volume unless its all lovely and sweet and quiet. But she'd have to believe I was actually Autistic at 36 years old first and I dont think she would. Awaiting an official diagnosis basically to show her why I am the way I am. Thank you for this one.

[@tony2774]

Many tears and laughs watching this. My wife and I have been wondering for a while now if I have some level of autism. I can’t explain how much of this resonated with me. Thanks you. I will begin overindulging on your content as is my habit.

[@orionkelly]

Thanks mate, I appreciate it.

[@eac381]

Me too Tony. It literally made me cry. I haven't been diagnosed with autism but when I watched this it hit too close to home. I've always told people that my superpower is that everything I say can be taken two ways, good or bad. And everyone will always take it the bad way.

[@amphibeingmcshpongletron5026]

@@eac381 Holy shit...That resonates, way too much, with me. I'm diagnosed ADHD, but, after years of research and experience working with autistic people (go figure lol), I'm about 99% sure I'm on the spectrum. It's too uncanny to my own experience. But, wow. I say things ALL THE TIME that I mean to be positive, encouraging, supportive, agreeing, etc, but it's always (unintentionally) said in a way that could potentially be taken wrong. Like REALLY wrong. Not even close to the intention. However, when whatever it is flies out my face, there's a good chance it will be taken badly, and it's only after the utterance that I can begin to understand why. Then comes the inevitable digging myself into a deeper hole, now that everyone's primed with a "negative" thing I just said, while trying and save face by explaining, in depth, what I meant...but it's too late. The emotions are already too high and reason is no longer affective. Shit's tiring.

[@eac381]

@@amphibeingmcshpongletron5026 I'm sorry to hear this. I know what a struggle it can be. I lost the love of my life because of this.

[@amphibeingmcshpongletron5026]

@@eac381 Your not alone.

[@Hiteenn]

Thank you so so much. I struggled with manic depression so when I heard my 8 year old ASD son say “ I want to kill myself” I was shocked and scared. This gave me a better understanding of what he’s feeling and why. Thank you thank you thank you!

[@iheartbinary]

I've only come to a recent realizing that I may be autistic. I had a meltdown at work today after I've been having anxiety for probably three weeks now. This is the most accurate description of my life on a bad day. I just don't want to burden those around me, but by the very fact that I need help I am a burden.

[@kowanut1]

I'm 67 and belatedly coming to the realization that I've been autistic all this time. Your podcasts have helped me understand my troubled personality, the solitude, the alcoholism, the depression and drug issues, the self loathing and the relationship difficulties. I cannot emphasize how much I've started to understand about myself since listening to you, and others. I wouldn't wish autism on anyone, but it's comforting to know I'm not really so alone, after all.

[@alib1255]

I just subscribed. Thank you for your videos and thank you to all of the people who commented. I’ve been autistic my whole life but they didn’t diagnose girls back then. I don’t feel alone anymore and take off the mask with some friends sometimes.

[@LobotomyTC]

Drugs and alcohol, you say? At least you treated the disease with the right medicine. Took me years of bloody fists through drywall before I found an easy solution.

[@wilczycazksiezyca4796]

I am a woman, diagnosed at age 19. For a very long time, during my childhood, I thought I was born as a bad person. I had problems with emotions, my parents didn't know what to do with me, I had problems with socializing at school - not with learning. I guess that's why school never tried to help me, as I was a very good student and that must have meant I had no problems at all. That left me thinking I was a terrible human being. All of that got explained after my diagnosis. Also, meltdowns are the worst. One sudden meltdown can ruin my good day. It feels like my brain is jammed, I can't process what is happening. Suddenly, light becomes brighter and my whole world is that one stimulus that causes me to melt and I can do nothing but cry and hope it will stop.

[@mrbutch308]

Self loathing? Tell me about it! Low self esteem has been an issue all my life. It seems I always felt I was not good enough, smart enough, handsome enough, athletic enough ... and on top of that a disappointment to my parents. In my younger years I just wanted to cry sometimes.

[@irenerichards9533]

It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way, and at the same time I ache with sadness that we feel this way

[@linkieloos]

In hindsight, I feel like I was doomed from day 1 of my diagnosis (diagnosed at 5, but it's not relevent). I struggle to follow certain instructions due to inability to cope with life. Whenever I bring up how I feel about my faliures, real or not, people always assume I use my high-functioning autism as an excuse or to self-sabotage. It isn't an excuse, it's fact. I've had so much therapy over the years to help me survive. Everyday I wake up and dread what will happen should I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing.

[@livelearnandteach7402]

What I'm learning is that all the things that make me hate myself are all the things that I thought I needed to be to fit in.

[@JoseMeeusen]

Thank you for discussing this. It is exactly how I feel, with one difference that I'm a woman and do want to be accepted and my whole life I worked so hard on it. A good friend of mine once said to me: "When wil you ever stop trying to prove yourself?" I wasn't aware I did, but after she said this I recongnised it whenever I was proving myself again. I'm 73 and discovered only 3 years ago that I have autism. Being aware of all my "disabilities" made me milder and more forgiving towards myself, although it's still hard to live with myself. But now that I'm more aware of my interactions with other people (like you described) I more and more withdraw. Whilst I do want and need a good friend, I can only think it's better not because sooner or later I'll ruine that friendship. And that's the last thing I want: to hurt people. It makes me sad.

[@catlapandagirl]

I just found out. I’m 63

[@rosettemariette4577]

Your videos should be mandatory in school FFS. I was bawling the whole entire video. I feel so seen it hurts. I feel so less alone it hurts. I feel so validated it hurts. It hurts that we have to feel this way. It hurts to understand that so many people go through this their whole entire life and will continue to go through this no matter how many people see this and feel validated. It sucks to be autistic some days. Most of the days it doesn't, but when it does, it's... something else. Thank you so much for this content. You have no idea how important your words are to some people. Thank you.

[@dtoons1100]

My antidepressant medication has helped me with my autism. It helps me not care about my self worth or what others think about me. That may sound bad, but for me, it has been one of the best things that have ever happened to me.

[@carole5648]

the more video's about autism i watch the more i realize things i thought were 'normal' are not, yet they are normal to me. i've felt like a burden to people, consciously, for at least the last few years, it's learned behavior in my experience, from so many rejections. one of my friends asked me who my 'best friend' was, like who did i call first when something amazing happened, i didn't have an answer, the question confused me honestly. i don't call anyone, i don't talk to anyone, i don't even feel like i can tell my husband things most of the time. i guess this is a good reason to see a therapist, if you pay them they have to listen to you, and i don't think i'd feel guilty then.

[@aaacomp1]

Yep, i am constantly flummoxed by people asking who my emergency contact is. I don't have an emergency contact. In fact, the only time I have ever had an answer to that question was because I was heavily masking and people were sticking around.

[@Jake12220]

Not being open with partners is what led to the breakdown of my last long term relationship. Both of us are autistic (she didn't know before l encouraged her to get assessed) so we both had issues being open about a lot of things. As for the best friend thing, l literally had a call yesterday from a girl that l am friends with where she referred to herself as being my best friend, to which l replied 'are you?'. Friendships are difficult to me, l just don't trust them after all the issues l had with people growing up and all the people that have come and gone from my life. I suppose trust in general is difficult for me.

[@idlewildwind]

I'm going back into this mindset again lately, being unemployed (after working an underpaid, dead-end job, with a company that employs only disabled people, for two years), so this video came into my feed at a "good" time. I talked with my friend about how I feel the other day, and she said I ought to talk to my doctor and adjust my meds "because you feel like crap" and I was like "... no, I just feel the way I have since I was about 11... with brief periods of feeling better and longer periods of feeling worse... but this is like my baseline..." I guess 11 was the age when I first noticed that I was being ostracised, and not being diagnosed at the time I had no idea why I was _so wrong,_ so bad at being a human. I just thought I was lazy (executive dysfunction) and selfish (socially and sensorily sensitive) and worthless (unable to conform), because having no frame of reference for these things just left me with the negative words. So I lived about a decade of this mindset before I saw something on the telly that made me research autism. And I slowly realised that I have it, that it's not just me being _wrong_ for no reason other than being a _bad human._ Then I lived another decade before getting an actual diagnosis, just in a limbo of constantly questioning my "self-diagnosis" and continuing to blame myself for all my flaws. So this state of self hatred is really ingrained in me, throughout my all formative years (childhood/teens/twenties which is when your brain develops/changes/matures) and now it's extremely hard to break out of. I need help. But beneath the surface, I still don't think I deserve any. And I do live in a country that is theoretically good at helping the disabled (much better than Australia, for example) and I have gotten some attempted measures from various authorities to aid me, but every time they just peter out into nothing and I end up back where I am now. I live with my dad because I can't afford my own flat, and even if I could I also can't take care of a home (cooking and all that) on my own. I can't even pay him rent right now because of the unemployment thing. I want to get a vocational education, as well as a driver's licence, to become more employable, but I seriously don't think I can handle full time studies and I'm really not sure I have the coordination and multitasking skills needed to drive a car in traffic. And trying with the chance of succeeding is hard enough with executive dysfunction, but trying with the risk of failure is practically impossible. This has been a rant. Thank you for posting this video, because I feel less alone now and also I got to vent in the comments...

[@nataliaregina3094]

with regard to the Driving thing if your able to try for some lessons and learn the rules of the road, maybe allow yourself the chance to have a shot at it? Just incase it surprises you and you have a talent for it? It may give you wings into your future into any sort of new job. I learnt at 21 with help of previous boyfriends driving instructor who I knew would not be attracted to me as a straight female being stuck in a close space with that person for the lesson and whom also had a quite and calm nature to learn with, I took my time and had literally no help from my own family. I was extremely nervous shaking and sweating at times and had to even stop a lesson part way thought once for being overwhelmed. Yet, here we are several years later and it's a skill I still have and can utilize if needs be. (Yes I have had accidents but thats normal and a part of being on the roads, one was skidding on snow and ice and the other was someone else hitting me - only two out of every journey I have every made). If you can give it a shot I think it really could be worth the stress and investment of getting it done I have found it good for work and have done delivery work out on the road, no boss and the radio on is an amazing job. Muscle memory to drive the car soon becomes second nature. Tip is I took my lessons in a different town that has one-way systems and is not too large with multiple lanes as I think depending on the town you take it in is another variable of your likely success rate. If you try one instructor and don't get along easily with them it's OK to politely change to a different one. Sorry to be pushy as I don't personally know your situation but I had so much anxiety around mine and once you've passed and have a licence it's really enjoyable then my confidence really grew and I find I'm actually skilled at something. I also never imaged that I'd be on the roads independently but I am now if you are medically able to I'd really say give it a shot as you may be a natural at it once you get going.

[@idlewildwind]

@@nataliaregina3094 Oh, thank you for this reply! I'm happy for you that you've achieved the freedom of driving! ^__^ I can bike in traffic so I know some rules/laws, and I can drive a small tractor, so it's maybe just the speed that scares me. (Not that I'm scared of speed normally, like I love biking down hills and galloping and all that, but speed + heavy vehicle + all that responsibility is scary!) But I did actually get into a vocational program (electrical automation) and it's been going okay so far. Maybe once I'm done with that I'll feel empowered enough to try some driving lessons! Thank you again for the encouragement!

[@kateforshaw8177]

Maybe have driving lessons in an automatic car as you might find there’s less to think about than coping with gears. With electric cars becoming more and more common you won’t have to drive a car with gears anyway, so make your life as easy as possible!

[@idlewildwind]

@@kateforshaw8177 Yes! This is my plan. Sadly, my dad's van has a gearstick so I'd not be able to drive her...

[@ericxb]

you do deserve support

[@christophero1968]

O.MY.GOD. This is 100% how I am feeling and have felt for quite a while now, and have only very recently during this period of self loathing discovered that I am #actuallyAutistic (late adult diagnosis within the past month at age 55). Thank you for putting into words an therefore allowing me to understand for myself all of what you have just described. All of my life I have “accepted” that most people don’t “get me” or like me, struggling to maintain any friendships or relationships, but now i feel exceptional pain & despair as I feel the people who matter most to me, my immediate family, don’t actually even LIKE the person I am. If they can’t like me, then there’s no hope ANYONE could or would ever like me. I feel more autistic and alone every day…

[@petsmart1000]

I know this video is a couple years old, but I recently found your videos and have been watching a lot of them. I am undiagnosed 47yo lady and this resinates with me and how I've felt my WHOLE LIFE!! I have always felt I could never be ME, and when I am, no one likes it or they feel uncomfortable with how I'm being or what I've said, even NOW I have a friend that, when we hang out in public, she ALWAYS tells me to, modify myself and NOT say this and NOT do that, and I feel so little and ashamed. I've been around mental health professionals my whole life, and not once has anyone said anything about the possibility of being autistic, instead I was always punished, verbally and physically for things that I didn't understand why I was doing them or why I was feeling things so strongly. so I learned from a very young age to mask, I'm a pro at it, but at the end of the day, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted! After watching a bunch of your videos and others' videos, I remember oh yeah, I was like that when I was young and dealt with things that no one else around me seemed to notice and if they did notice, it was just me being my quirky self and people saw it but never thought anything else about it, I was just the weird one. But lately I've been struggling so much with these issues, and I do deal with other mental illness issues (I was FINALLY diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type in my 30's) and take medication, but I still feel 'off", 'like I'm on the verge of losing control of myself and my mind, all the time! I'm always on edge, it's unnerving. but with all this being said, I am going to push myself to bring all this up with my GP, psych dr and my therapist, I NEED to bring it to their attention and figure a diagnosis, find resources and others like me. I'm going to take the mask OFF when I talk with them. No more hiding this and struggling with it by myself anymore. I know this is a bit long winded, but I want to thank you for being YOU and being there for others dealing with this stuff. I don't feel SO alone in this massive world. Much Appreciated. :)

[@chimeracleshappen]

😭 I needed to know I wasn't crazy or "dramatic." I'm 40 and only recently discovered I'm autistic (still working on a formal diagnosis). So much trauma and isolation could have been avoided, had I known. Thank you for making these videos, they are very validating and are helping me understand + accept myself.

[@phoenix_risingscorpio5227]

I feel you and on the same journey. I am working on getting my diagnosis as well.

[@AiMR]

I am wondering if an official diagnosis is necessarily a good thing?

[@chimeracleshappen]

@@AiMR for you or for me? I cannot offer any solution to your wondering, with regards to your potential diagnosis, but I can assure you that you needn't spend a single moment wondering after mine. I'd wager that if you're getting on well enough, in life, without the fuss & finding, you'd likely find more reward in leisure than diagnostic pursuits. The community is quite welcoming to self-identified NDs. 😊

[@AiMR]

@@chimeracleshappen I think a formal diagnosis could potentially lock a person into it down the road in unpredictable ways. For example, could it prevent someone down the road from purchasing a weapon, or choosing certain careers?

[@bunnyyoung3232]

Same here! You said what I was thinking! X

[@joybird144]

this is why im striving to be self employed because it is really difficult to work in an environment that functions as a disabling place. Then getting accommodations is approved is so difficult at work.

[@styofwye]

Based on the information your channel has provided I have come to the conclusion I'm autistic. How I got to nearly 66 before taking the "clues" serious I'll never know. But here I am. Thank you

[@freelancedancepants]

Most jobs do not play into my strengths being an autistic person. Actually, people tend to find me smart and charismatic in social situations where I'm not expected to do anything in particular. However, in school and in work, where there are expectations and it can sometimes feel like the environment is engineered to make me fail, people view me as nothing but a burden. Anything I say that isn't work related that sounds smart is immediately contextualized as unearned. "If he was actually smart, he would be better at this job. So I'm gonna take anything he says with a grain of salt." It really destroys my sense of self considering that life is way more work than it is genuine time.

[@rubycubez1103]

My 11year old nephew and I are on the spectrum. I'm 42. Our autism shows in different ways. I love just sitting with him. There's no expectation to talk. We just chill side by side in our own worlds and occasionally say things lol.

[@anaachadinha8595]

You've hit the nail on the head. I believe an autistic person has to have an autistic partner.

[@potatoesindrag4095]

You said it best, autism is a spectrum and everyone experiences it differently. While my friends also on the spectrum don't make connections with people, because I suffer from being abandon a lot, so I attach myself to people sometime to much. Autism is a super power, we can see the world in way that is beautiful and wonderful and with a curiosity that is lost at childhood for most people.

[@mr.cynical2201]

I was constantly made aware of how difficult it was to tolerate me growing up. I've developed the perspective that without my talents and skills, I would be abandoned and avoided. I can't see myself forming any meaningful relationships because I'm convinced the inconvenience of the person I am will drive those around me to betrayal and abandonment, if not abject cruelty. If it weren't for the things in life that interest me, I'm not sure if I would have the determination or motivation to continue living.

[@goldseraph7051]

This brings me insight about when my husband talks too loud that he sounds angry and how I've tried every which way to get him to change and I've failed horribly to the point I have damaged the marriage. The bottom line is that he can't help it and I can't change it. It is indeed a hard pill to swallow. Thank you Orion.

[@user-lu7qh9hj3n]

I am going to make an appointment tomorrow, you describe my life, it's like i deliberately sabotage my life and don't do very important things i should, leading to mental and physical damage. Thanks for doing this video, thank you wholeheartedly and good luck in your future, and anyone else reading this.

[@davycrock0441]

I’ve been slowly falling down spiral of depression. Some days are easier than others, but every morning I wake up feeling like the most inadequate person on earth, just wishing there was some kind of cure to make me more “normal.” It’s always nice to know that I’m not alone I guess.

[@Gntlplaces]

I tend to set goals/expectations that I struggle to reach or just plain can't. Glad to find these videos and perspective. Another KZbin channel with practical tips to regain our happiness, is How to ADHD. I now set and celebrate tiny victories. They are small yet huge to me some days. Making my bed, getting myself presentable, etc.

[@MicahMicahel]

the cure is to stop comparing yourself to the other people. Just be and find joy. Normal isn't the goal. Not being detected isn't even but we have to appear somewhat normal. Who cares if you don't make the grade on that though. Stop caring about that.

[@bestoboth]

You are not alone, and neither am I, as it turns out! And while it does make me sad to know there are so many others struggling just like me, knowing, NOW, that NONE of us are alone, does make it a little better!

[@andreagriffiths3512]

This made me cry. It’s so true though. I know I’m a burden. I’ve been told multiple times, usually when they’re extremely pissed off with me. It’s no wonder so many autistic people end up taking their own lives. Yeah bad days are bloody awful. Sadly they’re the norm rather than the exception. Got super lucky yesterday. We had a trainee at work and she was taking notes on ideas to use in her own swim classes. I knew she was watching and I pulled out every trick I have. At the end she blew me away by being sincerely appreciative of what I had shown her. She looked at my classes as a parent would and gave me such lovely and genuine feedback. I can’t remember anyone ever telling me anything like that without them being a close friend or family member. It was so utterly lovely. All I need to do now is make my brain believe that that’s how everyone sees me.

[@rroes7319]

You aren't a burden. If people told you that, they don't love you enough.

[@fableflows33]

I have a habit of whispering even if I don't have to, or I will shout so if I don't want to be heard I will Whisper and people always ask me why 😅

[@hlrapoza]

What I love about this video 2 years after it posted and just 3 days into my exploration on my way of being in the world is your loud freaking hands! I was introduced to the idea of 'loud hands' on another channel and now I see you do it. I've been reprimanded my whole life, from parents to partners to bosses, about the fact that I 'talk with my hands'. Which, to me, is a way to convey deeper or fuller meaning to my speech. Dang but it peeves me that loud hands are considered somehow wrong. Thank you, Orion, for being full-body expressive!

[@Bmoney902]

Damn, I wonder what they'll think when they're exposed to Italians

[@sueannevangalen5186]

So very relatable, only in my case, it was my silence that I always felt was such a burden on other people. I can remember not being able to talk while riding a bus, so when I'd go on class field trips, I can remember feeling sorry for the person who would sit next to me on the bus on the way there because I would be unable to talk to them. There have been A LOT of people in my life who have told me that it's not okay to be as silent as I often am. It makes me feel like a dull person and a burden on social situations. And then, when I do manage to force myself to say something, it often gets misunderstood. I know what it's like to try and be funny only to have people react with confusion or as if I was rude and then to be unable somehow to explain what I meant. The number of times I've told myself to keep my mouth shut and never talk again... And then to be made to feel that my silence is also unacceptable... Anyway, very relatable video. Thanks for saying all these things.

[@rolflaprete1849]

Yes have the same problem.... Funny ...I can't put it into words....😞😍😣...Im 1 of 9 children.... Not one of my siblings wanted to spend time with me...I could sometimes get one sister to walk to town with me , but she had to first let me know she really didn't want to.....the very first thing she would say : " Your stupid, Your dumb, & I hate you....Yet , after a bit she would walk with me...😒💕

[@sueannevangalen5186]

😟

[@mycupofcocoa1125]

I used to to be silent because I thought ppl would hate what I say. Now I talk to explain or let ppl see my perspective. I’ve gotten better responses explaining my view. For example, if I was on the bus I’d say I like the bus on Monday it’s less crowded then Wednesday.

[@Star-zr4ls]

@@rolflaprete1849 lol 😂 sorry but this was hilarious.

[@RM-qq5rj]

Same. Exactly the same. Catch 22 :(

[@swimtwin603]

I think this video more than any other has shown me the difference between being a woman with autism and a man with autism. When I was around 16 I learned that people were hurt by me being blunt and in general that yes the more authentically I expressed myself the more people didn't have the...neural networks that understood me. Who I was was something they had not experienced and had no framework for. I then studied Gilmore Girls, and I do mean intensely studied and would repeat what Rory or Lorelai would say in my head and then say it with a tweak to my friends to see if that was socially acceptable, and that's how I learned to fit in. It was mentally torturous and buried my soul behind a mask I knew kept me safe for many years. I'm 31 now and I have an autistic husband that helps me remember myself. I've learned year by year how to unveil the mask in ways that show a little, but I have the mask well enough in place I can put it back. I've learned how to really know and feel myself when alone so that I know when the mask is there and when I can use it like a safety blanket in small talk situations or ones where expressing authentically with people I feel are not safe or too much like strangers would be uncomfortable. What I see as the difference now between my husband and me is that he is still very blunt and it even throws me off, not because it's not what I truly want but because I watch a lot of TV and I'm in a society where we constantly are shown that honesty and bluntness are rude. We see it in our media from cartoons to relationships in adult shows where people are okay with honesty if you add some weird nicety around it designed to pamper, but if you just cut to the chase that causes a soap opera-level reaction. I love it when my husband is blunt, but what pops up in my goat brain mode is f*ck you and now I have the right to be offended even though what you said is true, because, I think, of that societal conditioning filter. In reality, I communicate bluntly to him a lot, and I've seen him react as well. So we are both blunt to each other and yet both react to the other being blunt. We're actively working to understand one another but man does that amygdala like to get in the way. When it comes to other people I know how to filter that blunt honesty, and I've seen that he hasn't developed that same level of....what?....masking really. I don't think the masking is necessarily good because it's masking and hiding, but I am not sure if it's fully bad because it is protection in a society that is still learning about us. But I do have self-love now. I have self-love because it doesn't rely on others understanding me in a world that obviously needs people on the spectrum to be blunt like Greta Thunberg, yet people still consider autism a disorder. It's like the world appreciates autism that can be used to better society, but isn't sure what to do with the daily moments yet. We live in a world so filled with sugar coating that we're a mentally obese nation. This world lies to itself about what's okay while climate crisis is kicking our race off this planet and yet we do have people willing to stand up, away from society, and boldly say we have to change. I see autistic people as the way of the future where we don't have loud jackhammers going off in the street and the world is more peaceful and honest. There is so much to love about yourself and please talk to your wife about this or friends because maybe they don't see you as a burden but more as someone they are developing a framework for to evolve their understanding. If anyone bases their self-love on others then it's not self-love, that comes from within and if autistic people are good at anything, it's going within.

[@abomidog]

Just commenting to say I really appreciated reading this, as I'm recently discovering that I'm very likely autistic, and my girlfriend may be, too. So much of this resonated with me, and your comment as well as others made me feel so much less alone. Thank you ❤️

[@pcheesi]

I really appreciate this around 7:20. As a black queer autisic woman, I feel the same way, it just took me a while to unlearn how I was conditioned to live (according to the social standards for women, of the black community, of the lgbtq+ community, etc.) There's certainly a hive mind mentality within each, intentional or not. I noticed the more I started to just behave the way I wanted to behave and live my own life, the less longlasting friends/tribes I had, and the more I connected strongly with outsiders/loners, who were eventually id'd as other neuodivergent folk. It would make it so odd when I unknowingly bothered some one and found that they were trying to punish me by shunning me, only to be baffled when I just...went away, only realizing what happened in hindsight.

[@TheVOLTAGEVIDEOS]

I shed a few tears because this really hits home with me. I dont know how my husband has dealt with me for 30 years. Always thought it was depression and anxiety. Nope, it's not that simple. I do feel like a burden when I make him mad or upset by something I day. And I have felt that way with other people. A year ago, someone said I was rude at work. They called my name and I said, "what?" What's wrong with that? They weren't in my office, so she was probably rude. I don't know. It must have been my tone. I was busy working after all. 🤷‍♀️