Scapegoat Abuse and Splitting - Part 2

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.

[@elizabethd.2398]

Once I realized I was beautiful inside and out (I don’t mean that in a conceited way), I went no-contact with my narcissistic family. The realization that my own mother and narcissistic sisters were jealous of me all of my life was a tough pill to swallow. Now that they are all out of my life for good, I have been on a journey of discovering my true self - and each piece of myself that I discover is such a bliss. It’s as though my narcissistic family hid a treasure chest from me all of these years because they knew that my life would be enriched if I found it. 💎

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Poignant analogy, and there's a lot of truth in it. I'll get more videos out on true self recovery and discovery - One of my favorite topics, and good to know some subscribers here are interested in some of these more 'transpersonal' ideas.

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

I totally agree. I had the same situation with my narcissistic mother & sisters, esp. 1 very mean spirited sister. You are right, it is a hard pill to swallow. No contact is the only way. I am sorry you had to go through that ❤

[@elizabethd.2398]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, I am discovering AND recovering myself. It’s amazing how many parts of myself I have recovered since I went NC with my narcissistic family 10 years ago. I was rich and they gaslit me into believing that I was actually poor but could become rich by giving up my true self. To all of the scapegoats out there who were told by their narcissist/s that they were ugly or unattractive - I dedicate the song, “You Are So Beautiful,” by Joe Cocker, to you all. Once we find our true selves - a diamond in the rough - we will be so elated.

[@elizabethd.2398]

Here is the song, along with the lyrics. I hope it goes through. I dedicate this song to all of the scapegoats out there who need to be reminded that they are beautiful just as they are. kzbin.info/www/bejne/h2qmY5yVj5d4iqM

[@sharonthompson672]

So very, very true! I didn't realize for DECADES. It was like a lightbulb was lit: "my gosh! These people despise me!" 😳 I was so hopeful and optimistic and clueless. I finally feel like I actually deserve a happy life, a nice house, decent, kind friends who make me feel happy to be alive. 🌹

[@user-kv4eb8pr3w]

“You’re already whole. It’s an illusion that you’re broken” Thanks for saying this again. We can know this logically but emotionally it takes a lifetime to internalize. Crazy how we spend our whole lives reprogramming what we learned as children.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes. But thank goodness brain science and research has confirmed we literally can do this via the creation of new (and re/newed) neural pathway conenctions!

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethanks. In the moment I had totally forgotten about this very helpful scientific finding

[@C-eq1tj]

Yes! This statement is so healing for me. Transformative. I know it is true.

[@reefk8876]

Wish these videos existed in the 90s and early 2000’s. Might have saved me from revolving doors of jails and institutions 🤪 amazing

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It very well may have. I say this as someone who used to run family programs at drug/alcohol treatment centers; it was clear to me that the ‘Addict’ was often the family ‘identified patient’ and in the ‘scapegoat’ role.

[@charlottemckenzie5259]

I love the analogy about having a lot of cracks which means you have a of light 💖💖💖💖💖

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes!

[@stephaniematthaus1516]

Kintsugi. :) I love this analogy. If we take our wounds and use them to see with compassion for ourselves and others. Then surviving the abuse makes one stronger but yet more compassionate and coming from a place of kindness which is so beautiful. I’ve been lucky to meet 2 such people. That’s where I want to end up. Coming from a place of calm and kindness. Thank you for making this a possibility Dr. Mandeville. It’s understanding the family systems that has been the most healing for me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Stephanie - including for reminding me the term I was searching for was 'Kintsugi'. And this has been true for so many of my clients - The information I provide on Family Systems - dysfunctional family systems, specifically (and not focusing just on narcissistic ones) has been a key to many people's healing and recovery from this form of abuse.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseyes, but gor many of us we remained very vulnerable. I experienced horrific workplace stuff recently. I wrote a text to a friend saying how at 12 i was totally onto something my mom was saying, it was way off. I wrote how could I have been so strong and intuitive and determined to do good in life and yet end up herr. Rebecca, being here in this space that you have created is a very big part of my healing and recovery

[@whitehorse3828]

You are appreciated Rebecca for commenting back to each of us...that must take up alot of your time, so, thank you! At my age, I am so used to who I became because of all the adapting and morphing and running and isolating for over 60 years, I don't know how to "be" any other way. I just do the best I can on any given day. Sometimes I feel great, sometimes I feel in survival mode. I am good at isolating and staying under the radar....that is a skill that does come in handy at times! 🙂

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

The true self nature shines through, even so - And it definitely is shining in (and through) you! And as you say, those various survival skills do come in handy at times. In regard to isolation and flying under the radar: This can be thought of as "Practicing the Principle of the Tao of the Hidden..." (An actual Taoist guiding principle, btw!)

[@MF-my3db]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I've enjoyed your references to Taoism. The Tao te Ching is one of my all time favorites, since I was very young.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@MF-my3db I've had an idea of doing a membership study group that is psycho-spiritually based. As a grad professor, I worked with a Chinese colleague on integrating the principles of Taoism with Western Psychology. If you might be interested in something like that, let me know. I am still mulling over what sort of community membership I'd like to form...

[@MF-my3db]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I would absolutely be interested. Sounds fabulous on many levels - taking a hard shared experience to a very valuable place which is the best way I can imagine to cope. Thank you for considering this!

[@Lyn_Marie_]

I appreciate you being here Rebecca, for educating us about scapegoating and the family system. I’ve learned more from you in several months, then I did from a lifetime of therapy. Thank you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Lenore. I think you have read my book already, but if not, you may want to (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). I cover my main points there on FSA and weave it all together a bit more than these videos allow for.

[@BlueMosaic5]

Thank you for your insight. I know for sure now that their abusive behavior isn’t about me being a bad person no matter how much they try to convince me. I’m not the “crazy one” who doesn’t fit in, I’m the Healthier one who doesn’t fit in, and I’m happier to be me than them 🙌🥰

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Fifi, I mention this in my book as well ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' in my chapter about scapegoating and being the family Empath. Also have a video on being the family Empath. You may relate, based on what you wrote here.

[@MariliaCoutinho]

I am very impressed by your work, Rebecca. Several reasons: (1) you have done the one thing most scholars dream of doing. You identified a phenomenon, analyzed it, named it, and published a book to stake your claim. I'm assuming you were a SG child, too. With your book, you vindicated many of us; (2) your commitment and mission are intense enough to shine through your calm, reassuring speech. This is priceless; (3) it seems that you have elaborated your lived experienced to a point that you were able to identify phenomena otherwise invisible to researchers, especially considering that this is a taboo issue with relatively little research. I only realized certain things and trends after reading you. But I'm still that same reader that cannot share their experience, not yet in public. I do have an awesome therapist, without whom I am not sure I'd be alive today. Congratulations, and whatever you need from your followers and post here, I will be honored to participate and help. Thank you!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I truly appreciate your thoughtful and insightful comment, Marilia. It took a few years for my work on what I named family scapegoating abuse (FSA) to catch on, but it is rewarding to see that people like you understand what I did and why it was so critical to research on this phenomenon and give its features common terms and a shared language. I am glad you are with a good therapist, and also I am so very glad my work on FSA has been helpful. I will be releasing surveys over the next few months as I am now researching on what I named ‘family scapegoat trauma’ (FST). Hopefully you are subscribed as I notify people when my surveys are released on the Community tab here on my KZbin home page.

[@astrarai-thesobercoder]

Agreed. Her level/depth of professionalism on FSA is needed and impressive 💯

[@bridgetsieger2261]

I think I should get her book. She has insight into a comment I made about my brother. I’m caught in a cycle. I moved from blood family but I’m not NC and I’m not living a happy life. Basically I married my mom and changed nothing.

[@CristinaAcosta]

Yes!! This!👏👏👏👏👏

[@lfv9010]

For a long long time I wondered what was so wrong with me, why I couldn't measure up. After comparing my thoughts and reactions to who I considered to be normal folks in an attempt to discover what was so wrong and different about me and really discovered very little difference if any, I cried out to God and one day He quietly spoke into my spirit a few simple but profound words "maybe it's not always you" and so my journey to healing began as He led me to different sources of information to sort out what was real and what was fake. I had looked inward for so long trying to find answers I'd forgotten to look outward. Now when someone attacks me I realize they're attacking the false persona that was created and projected onto me and has nothing to do with who I really am. I still have to deal with the drama and loss but at least now I know.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Valuable sharing, thank you.

[@JenniferSillanpaa]

Another excellent video! I was told my true self was unacceptable by my family, then my first husband (of 17 years). As others have said, I feel I wasted far too many years trying to fit the mold -- then still being rejected. I hope some of the younger generation listen to your videos and gain the strength to run from the scapegoat role earlier in life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks, Jennifer. This is my hope as well. Run, or walk away with their head held high, dignity and self-respect in tact...

[@ericav3284]

just got your book today. could not believe how many times i had to put it down and text my sister, "oh my god, this book is literally talking about our childhood!"

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It has that effect on some people. "Write about what you know!" (and I did - research can only take you so far. Like so many here, much of what is in my book I also lived). Hope you find my book helpful, and thanks for letting me know.

[@roibeardcoughlan9290]

Beautiful message. I believe insecurity is a big part of scapegoating, when people are comfortable in who they are, they would not feel the need to scapegoat a member of the family

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Insecurity, egoic defense mechanisms; personality disorders, individual / intergenerational trauma...the list goes on and on.

[@raven4090]

I love the illustrations you use to describe things! You always say things in a way that's easy to understand and remember. My mind is so chaotic, that that's really important. I got your book in the mail today. I'm on the first chapter. I appreciate the big type style.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Raven - I didn't realize the type was bigger than usual - glad it works for you and I do hope you find my research-based introductory guide on what I ultimately named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) helpful!

[@raven4090]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yeah. 10 point is what I'm used to seeing. It was hard to read that size even when I was young. I now know I have dyslexia. I'm on chapter 2 now. It's very good, but I knew it would be. I'm answering yes to almost all those questions, but I'm not feeling desolate about it, because now I have hope of a better life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@raven4090 Keep me posted, Raven. The book is brief, yet dense. The pathway to recovery is there, but not as obvious as in a classic 'self-help' book. Many people have written me to tell me they read it multiple times and get more out of it each time.

[@Averagesasquatch]

I like the part at the end where you talk about the cracks. I told a couple people recently about a way i think about feeling flawed. Since perfection is impossible, and being flawed is normal and even a gurantee, then to be flawed is to be perfect. I think thinking of it this way helps to deal with that toxic shame. Since knowing this kind of stuff cognitively and actually feeling are two different things, it's helpful to have some kind of framework to help you when you find yourself feeling bad again, going on that downward spiral of self hate. It helps you stop judging yourself for being flawed. The comments about the cracks reminded me of that concept.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Jeremy, This entire comment is 'gold'en. Love this part here: "I think thinking of it this way helps to deal with that toxic shame." - And, I agree!

[@theodorinaaleksandrova5007]

Great. Truly beautiful. Thank You, Dr. Mandeville!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Theodorina - Appreciate your being here.

[@DosBear]

Their darkness almost put out my light but I have managed to escape. Be aware and beware. I choose love over hate and forgiveness over resentment. My door remains open to each and everyone of them should they ever choose to act with respect. Great vid as usual. Thank you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome!

[@deborahlynnelentz6432]

I understand the split. I know that I did have a split. I had to escape mentally to survive the present when I was a child. I didn't realize I had this until I was older, and noticed this and it took years to get healthy from this. My child within me had to mature in a safe place. How confused my world was. To all of a sudden the child is a grown up, with no idea of who I am.

[@PaperclipProphets]

Glad I found your channel. Appreciate your information greatly 🙏

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Angela, glad you're here. You might also want to check out my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - I include some other resources in the video description as well.

[@annewoods3528]

Kintsugi or kintsukuroi! I feel like a POW who just escaped the prison. Feeling elated, lucky, unreal, disoriented, I want to give the prison guards the finger again and again as I run away. I really don't want to think about them or analyze them. I am not opposed to it, but I want to focus on my own healing first. I figure if I keep paying attention to my inner selves, they will tell me when/if they are ready to revisit the past.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes! The nervous system itself can serve as a wise guide. VIVA LA LIBERATION!!

[@klarmy8824]

I watch your new video every week now, because I know I will feel better after hearing what you have to say. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear - and thank you for letting me know!

[@spottedfawn639]

Goodness, Rebecca this gave me throat lumps! Thank you so much! I'm really looking forward to your content on the true self. I have your book and I love it. I actually had your book before I realized you had a YT channel, so that was a real exciting treat when I discovered your channel! I'm not done reading it yet because I'm really taking my time with it and I need to be in a "safe" place to read it. Thank you so much for your work ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome! I've only been here a few months but love the community forming here. I have been toying with the idea of having a KZbin membership community for people who are interested in these discussions of 'true self' recovery and discovery. A place to safely explore such concepts, no matter what one's religious or spiritual orientation is. Stay tuned...!

[@kimberlymccracken747]

God gave you a brilliant mind, a compassionate heart and a purpose from the trauma. Beautiful 🙏💯⭐ I appreciate you being here - it is like the missing puzzle piece. When I began to awaken my mantras weren't as gentle as yours on wholeness. Insteas, I woke up screaming at my Mother THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!! and I DESERVE BETTER!!! Looking forward to fanning the flame more gently now. Godspeed 🙏😇😘

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Kimberly. This is the mantra that was needed at the time - and an important, perhaps even critical one. And I've been there myself...Glad you're here, your presence is appreciated.

[@TWILLIE639]

Great session! Made me realize that my ideal self has a lot of love and compassion (light) for the parent that scapegoats me (even in adulthood). If I didn’t, going no-contact would have been easy. It’s gut wrenching to end any relationship especially that of a mother.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks, Theresa. This may be your 'real self' versus 'ideal self' in regard to Karen Horney's theory. The real self is who and what we actually are. The ideal self is based more on 'shoulds', as in "I should be loving" or "I should be more charitable," etc. Sounds like you truly grieved and felt pain around needing to end contact, and had the courage to allow yourself to go there.

[@TWILLIE639]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse wow Rebecca you are so good! Thanks for enlightening me.

[@Clare-tea]

My work is finding and being that real self, yet HOW???

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Claretea, I do address this in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed); in videos here; and via the free Affirmation videos I offer on my channel's home page. There are many rivers that lead to the ocean. If you don't resonate with my offerings, keep exploring until you find something that fits. Also, as mentioned, I will be doing a dedicated video soon on the true self and my video of affirmations I am releasing next week addresses aligning with one's true self nature as well.

[@Clare-tea]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you. I just found your channel today.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@Clare-tea Glad you're here and I encourage you to subscribe.

[@Explorer-51]

I love you. I used to watch Mr. Rogers when I was little. He was calming and trustworthy. And he helped me understand and accept myself. You're like him.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

What a very dear thing to say. Thank you. Mr. Rogers was 'trauma-informed', it would appear, even before it was a 'thing'. (And I even wear sweaters sometimes!)

[@Explorer-51]

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 😀

[@sallygwynne-ur5jv]

Bless you Rebecca ❤ What a beautiful message xxx

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Appreciate you receiving it and 'hearing' the message. Blessings back at ya!

[@blakcanis]

This is well articulated. Thank you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome.

[@BLFulle]

This is the first video of yours that I've watched. I really appreciated your statement "You’re already whole. It’s an illusion that you’re broken”. I've been broken many times but I do have the capacity to become whole again. I would love to find some videos helping parents who have raised children that made the family's life hell. I'm very serious about that.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

As in the adult child perpetuating scapegoating behavior toward a parent?

[@BLFulle]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse My son is 35 and still thinks I'm the cause of all his problems. He was the center of our lives. Everything revolved around him. I have four sons and they all dislike him, unfortunately. They dislike the way he treats me. He's abusive. How does a family deal with a person who makes everyone unhappy. Yes, I was probably too hard on him. He had ADHD and was very compulsive. I couldn't turn my back on him for a minute. I thought I was a good mom but I guess I wasn't.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@BLFullehello, a really big part if ADHD also is emotional regulation difficulties and what is called rejection sensitive dysphoria. This is becoming better understood now. The inattention, hyperactivity and lack of focus were understood for longer. You som sounds like he behaves disrespectfully towards his family members and at aged 35 is very immature. It may be that this is something that really irritates his brothers, his immaturity and “ chip on his shoulder”. I think a few things may help from your perspective- it to get more information on ADHD. And also medical under treatment can be a problem and medication is often needed life long. There’s also a relationship piece/ like an attachment piece that went awry. Getting the right help for you and your son, is possible, it’s probably in steps. It would take more than Adhd coaching and meditation for him. And the establishment of societal ground rules at home. People with adhd brains mature later, there is often an overlap in other neurodivergent conditions, the lack of perspective taking with regard to the effects of his behaviour on his family is one example. Maybe in the longer term a family type intervention would help, but firstly it’s about breaking things down and finding a very well informed professional to work with. For- it may be, in addition to up to date ADHD information, also having a space to reflect on where as a parent what you did with your other boys did not work with this boy. This was difficult for you both. It maybe really helpful to work out the steps of what happens when.. and prepare for new ways of responding. Patterns form- he is abusive to you, your other boys are angry, they protect you with this. This rescue mom forms a split. Could you seriously look at scripting, what is acceptable and what is not and what system of warnings you will give and how many. Adhd people can be slow to pick up cursing and slower when emotional. There’s a power piece for you. And maybe also look for emotional regulation workbooks on Amazon, the teenager DBT help all ages. And perhaps write out to your son how you would like to retry and you are learning more about adhd especially in family life and that there are ways forward for you both- but there has to be ground rules. It might involve at some stage letting him know that when he was a kid there was no special help to teach parents a different way. Also read ross Green, the explosive child. and lives in the balance podcast. It is really important that you shift on this, as even though you don’t want him to be the scapegoat, he is in the Black Sheep Role and there is a lot of scope to shift this. All I say is here is based on studying and experiencing child development and understanding neurodiversity. Best wishes. I hope you see this. And get to let your other boys know- there’s a lot of good information around. Good luck.

[@BhavanaShivu]

Love this. You are the gold. Thank you!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome! Hopefully, you also saw part one of this video series as well.

[@BhavanaShivu]

Yes I did watch both parts. I have read Karen Horny’s books, but did not understand the false self concept at that time, but now having understood my fawn/submit response, I am getting this concept. Thank you again!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I include a chapter on the 'false self' and a chapter on the 'true self' in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Can't remember if you already read it or not but if not, you might want to for more clarity on my term 'family scapegoating abuse' (it is partially research-based).

[@BhavanaShivu]

I did receive my copy of your book and read it this week. But to fully understand a concept can take some time. Thank you for your work and personally responding to each comment.

[@mores5780]

Thank you Rebecca. By far the best and most thorough and relevant channel. am so appreciative of your efforts. I believe the psychodynamic and family systems theory are the best to understand us scapegoats. In my case I was the despised self of nmom and of nsister, and also the repository of frustration and buried anger from nsister and my dad (depressed, anxious,suicidal enabler). My role gave them somewhere to vent anger and maintain pleasant faces. I feel hopeless and helpless and it's too late for me but...I have felt a glimmer once in awhile of relief since I've started looking,which must be coming through absorption just from reading things that help me understand. Thank you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks, @Modes. I'm releasing a 3rd volume of FSA Recovery Affirmations next Saturday and there is a bit about hopelessness there - Be sure to tune in!

[@janegreen5301]

Hi Rebecca I am curious, how does "black and white" equal every parent is evil or bad and every scapegoat child is ideal or good? That's not how I interpret black and white. I understand there IS evil. There IS good. But I don't see parents as evil and children as good. However I do see the action of scapegoating another as evil being played out. I understand that The God of creation has a way, plan, design for we humans to deal with where we miss the mark. And it is not in the action of placing what the Bible calls sin, our own missing the mark on another. So does that mean I see in black and white? Looking forward to hearing from you, thanks Jane

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Jane, great question. I agree that evil exists, but not as often as is insinuated in most videos and books I've seen about family scapegoating. "Missing the mark' and being unconscious can indeed result in 'evil' behaviors, including abuse. My point here is that scapegoating is not only driven by narcissistic family members (who are typically labelled 'Evil" in discussions of 'narc abuse' and scapegoating), but also by intergenerational trauma in families where no strong narcissist is present (whereby the scapegoating is largely driven by unconscious forces within the dysfunctional family system and acted out via the Family Projective Identification process, as discussed in past videos and as supported by decades of research on the family 'Identified Patient' in the field of Family Systems). Meaning, scapegoating happens in both narcissistic AND dysfunctional (highly traumatized) family systems. It is not always so simple and 'black and white' - These dynamics are extremely complex. Once we understand this, we can tolerate shades of gray and still act to protect ourselves from inappropriate behaviors and abuse. I do have a video on the differences between the narcissistic and dysfunctional family system, btw, in case you missed that one.

[@janegreen5301]

Hi Rebecca Yes I have watched the video you mentioned, I recall my question and your response to the question. Thank you. I am not watching/listening to videos or reading books that you refuted. So I wasn't coming from that context in listening to your video. I like

[@janegreen5301]

Oops!....I like to surround myself with voices I can trust. I have found your voice to be worthy of my trust. Thanks Rebecca. Jane

[@Patty-io9us]

What a beautiful message! I look forward to your videos every week, and you have helped me tremendously. This is a tough road, and you are a beacon of hope. Thank you for that!❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Patty. I know first-hand how long and tough a road it can be. I appreciate you letting me know that my work on FSA has been helpful in regard to this 'sacred journey' of healing and experiencing our innate wholeness.

[@C-eq1tj]

I now understand splitting. The ideal self was the projected image by my narcissistic mother where when I was anorexic I was rewarded. When I ate “forbidden food”, I was mocked and ridiculed. I’ve never had a problem with my weight. It has always been a body image problem. I see that as splitting now. I have falsely believed I’m not acceptable unless I am in my family’s perfect image and workout plan. As a child my mother sat me down to watch the classic “The Bad Seed.” She told me I was that little girl. The girl ended up being a murderer! She quoted the poem: “There once was a girl who had a curl right in the middle of her forehead and when she was good, she was very, very good. And when she was bad, she was horrid.” My mother said that little girl was me. What classic splitting! I see the generational trauma from grandmother to my morher and it has now stopped with me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm glad this video was helpful - Hopefully you also saw part one!

[@WolfWoman23]

Rebecca THANK YOU ❤ Difficult truths are tough to hear however I am so very grateful to you for bringing this information to me and others as it’s my belief that it’s a key to our wholeness, as you discuss when sharing about speaking of seeing your clients as already whole and telling them so. As you told the story towards the end about the beautiful vases -not made less beautiful by the cracks but more stunning and unique-it reminded me of a perfectly imperfect new “friend “ I was drawn to at the thrift store. It’s a giraffe looking upwards to the light with a dignified and grounded, strong stance even though he’s been through IT (for lack of a better word) and has visible battle scars. Despite my visible and mostly invisible wounds I am grateful to teachers who share to help others and also thank goodness for access to this information and access to a community of people that understand the depth and complexity and tragedy of it all and keep us from feeling like we are alone in this struggle.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, and I love this story of finding the giraffe. It reminded me of the 'children's' book, 'The Velveteen Rabbit', which I still cannot read or even think about without experiencing a strong mixture of emotions. If you haven't read it yet, you will likely want to.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Rebecca- I’ve just listened again to this video. I wrote you a big long comment, it’s as a reply to Elizabeth’s comment. Wishing everyone here well.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Mellie, I did just now find it, YT had it in moderation for some reason, I looking forward to reading it and will get back to you soon.

[@cloudwalker8266]

As an only child, I alternated between the scapegoat and the golden child, depending on my parents' moods and what else was going on at any given moment. My golden child status depended largely on my performance, but only certain kinds of achievements were valued.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, this can indeed happen. I liken this to 'musical chairs' - the role you are in within the family can change and is not always static. A fundamental concept in the field of Family Systems.

[@sharnag6968]

Just want to say thank you for all the work you do its really so helpful thank you very much im now becoming the escaped gost I went full no contact and healing day by day

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome. Linking you to my resource page for FSA survivors in case you are in need of more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources

[@paulineklostermann5877]

When i go to talk with my dokter i will talk about FSA and the book about it. Also When I meet people who had a familie scapegoat expierience i want to show them the way . Here in Holland the menthel care is far behind and the level is nog like in Amerika. It saved my life getting the information from Rebecca .i could not take anymore the abuse. I was realey sick lost a lot of wait. God bless Rebecca for her work ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So glad to hear my FSA work has been helpful for you. BTW, I now have foreign translation rights representation - If you know of a good publisher there, let me know and I'll see if I can get it translated over there in Holland. More FSA survivor resources here, including link to a new FSA adult survivor support community I have formed online on Substack: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources

[@paulineklostermann5877]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Goodmorning Rebecca. Yesterday i found a platform in Holland from a therapist in narcessism Patrick. I send a message about your work . Also other famely scapegoats on the platform i advised your expertise and professionelety about famely scapegoating. Patrick send me a message back he knows about your work and let me know you are realey very good about famely scapegoating. Also on the Belgium platform from Fabio Vinago i advise your work to the therapist and other famely scapegoats . I am convinced your work saves lifes, and people do not commid suïcide because they do not no how to deal with the painful situation. I hope your work goes on in Holland and Belgium to . Greetings from Pauline Klostermann.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear, Pauline, and I very much appreciate your sharing my work with others. I hope you check out my Substack where I have an online FSA survivor community and it is also where I now publish all of my FSA-related articles and other content not shared elsewhere. You can learn more here: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about

[@nicolabyrne-yx8oh]

Tks Rebecca for more psycho-education 😊 I'm still processing my day to day life while seeking a new job & I remembered from your prompt on psychoanalysis as being complex & I agree with you it is extremely difficult to digest. Carl Jung would not be the man he was without his relationship with Sigmund Freud & vs versa 😊 I love a dive into psychoanalysis it really gets my brain in gear 💜

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You might also check out the work of Roberto Assagioli, a peer of Freud and Jung's. They had a 'friendly rivalry', of sorts. I like Assagioli's concept of the 'higher' unconscious, for example.

[@Eye2C33]

Thank you for your understanding and empathic heart

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome, Elle. Glad you're here.

[@richellelemon3137]

You made mention of the cracked vases filled in with gold ... i'd like to share a visualization i practiced and continue to remind myself that my heart was broken, but now my heart is golden because i painted in the cracks with gold ♡ Thank you for your loving protection and insights.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Please do!

[@turquoisedream]

I wonder if Cohen got that idea from Rumi who said: "The wound is the place where the Light enters you". Thank you for your amazing work.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

“There’s a crack / in everything / That’s how the light gets in.” (Leonard Cohen) - and you’re welcome!

[@taralilarose1]

I love Leonard Cohen. Used to play his songs on my radio show. Thanx for this Rebecca. It is so validating! Love you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome!

[@leslee7059]

Thank you for this, Rebecca!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome, Leslee!

[@LeanneC1711]

Thank you. Your videos are very helpful.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are welcome!

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Wow and thank you !!!!!!!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome!

[@trudieprydejoyce8318]

Thank you, very wise and useful. Thank goodness for meditation and yoga……hugely helpful too in getting back to the ‘ground of being’ . Super interested too in the psychoanalytical stuff. If you are aware then you can address issues.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Precisely. Hence my research-supported term that I coined, 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) - and terms that I created that describe this insidious systemic phenomenon.

[@barbararoberts4471]

I have ordered your book Rebecca, thank you for bringing this FSA to light.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome!

[@lorraineharvey3200]

I still act as IF its still happening when Iam around others. Its the strangest thing, I know Iam doing it but cant stop. 😢 feeling like I dont fit in/belong. Its my everending story.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This could (but not always) tie into a Projective Identification Process. I did some videos on this. You might google the term and see if it might fit.

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

Thank You so much for this week's video ❤ I guess families or mom's who project a broken image onto a kid never seem to think about the long term harm they cause. I feel better when I focus on the good things I know about myself like reading and baking. Those 2 hobbies make me happy. I tried to tune the negativity out by staying to myself & cooking or reading. It is easy to believe the poor image of yourself they keep instilling in you daily. Going "no contact" is the only way. I saw a vehicle on the news ystrdy that looked like the vehicle my sister has. The route was the same route. She has always been a safe enough person I thought. I called her ystrdy to check on her. She chewed me up. I will remember " no contact" is the only way for me to heal. I am glad to have your weekly videos. They truly upbuild us all.

[@nancybartley4610]

She yelled at you because you were worried about her!??? I know someone I get negative treatment from like that and it just confuses me. I am trying to be thoughtful and she resents it. ??

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, BB. Sounds like you got a clear reminder of why you went no contact in the first place, yikes!

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

Yes she yelled because according to her, I had a lot of nerve worrying thinking she was in an accident when she says " Our mother is sad and asking about you everyday and you won't check on her" . This sister says she's mad at me because our mother has told them there was never any abuse towards me and that I made it all up. My sister says my mother says I called her and begged her forgiveness for spreading lies about her. I AM telling the truth about what happened. They believe her because she is not abusive to them. I know I can never show worry or concern for any of them. My sister was not in an accident. The cars look alike. Glad she's ok, but sad they do not believe our mother is abusive towards me.

[@nancybartley4610]

@@bbjoyce-je1vx Wow! Think she would feel good that you worry about her. Try grey rocking them.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@bbjoyce-je1vx I certainly believe you, BB, because your story here exactly mirrors my own. And it sucks (if you will pardon my salty language).

[@alittlespacetime]

We call ourselves a beautiful kintsugi. ❤

[@sallygwynne-ur5jv]

Thank you so much for this ❤❤❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Sally!

[@snehashete426]

Thankyou so much !! For educating us about the family systems, Scapegoating earlier we were not aware of what was happening to us! Very less amount of people are aware about these terms. You really help us understand what is really happening to us. It's such a relief for someone who's is scapegoated all these years!! 😇🌞

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are most welcome - Yes, I noticed there were very few people discussing family systems in relation to scapegoating abuse. Since it is a family system's driven form of abuse, I felt it important I provide this education to those who might benefit from it. My book goes into more detail, btw: Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. You might want to check it out.

[@astrarai-thesobercoder]

10:09 | Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold - built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art. Every break is unique and instead of repairing an item like new, the 400-year-old technique actually highlights the "scars" as a part of the design. Using this as a metaphor for healing ourselves teaches us an important lesson: Sometimes in the process of repairing things that have broken, we actually create something more unique, beautiful and resilient ( Source: NBC News | Wellness | Article Title: How the Japanese art of Kintsugi can help you deal with stressful situations | by Tiffany Ayuda | Published on April 25, 2018 ).

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, indeed. I wrote an article on this very thing several years ago - Can't remember if I did a video on it here or not, but will in the future if I didn't. Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comment.

[@CathyCavallone-xq1jl]

Kintsugi! I wrote a poem about it (about my cracks!)

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks, Cathy - How lovely you write poetry. My father was a poet, and I dabble in this craft as well.

[@CathyCavallone-xq1jl]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse That’s great! I’m sure your work has inspired you in your writing. I think your videos are amazing. You understand the problem 110%. Thank you!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks, Cathy. I appreciate your presence here. I'm also happy to share your poem with the Community here as well; others have done so (some chose to remain anonymous).

[@lavonnebenson7409]

Thank you ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome 😊

[@lindalou4858]

Thank you I am, love and light Intermediating to unhealthy, unhealed, Unaware, ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Linda. Continue to expand into your wholeness!

[@lamb11764]

Thank you💝

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome 😊

[@johnpetrie6687]

Great info as always!👍😊

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks, John - Hopefully you caught Part One!

[@lightbulb888]

❤

[@christieorr5152]

Rebecca, I’m curious why you choose the term “false self” instead of, for instance, Janina Fisher’s term “going on with normal life self”. Is it just that “false self” is a simpler, more intuitive term? I actually like “apparently normal self”, a term that Fisher does not like, for good reasons. Let’s give a prize to the person who can think of an intuitive, simple, non-shaming term for this important part!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Christie, good question. For these two videos - as well as in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) - I am not using the term 'false self' in place of Dr Fisher's 'going on with normal life self' (I use her workbook in my clinical trauma practice, by the way, it is excellent; I also did my complex trauma certification with her as well); nor do I use this term in a sense that exclusively relates to trauma and trauma responses. For this discussion, I am using it in the sense of the socially constructed, constricted self that is acknowledged within the fields of humanistic and transpersonal psychology, as I mentioned in part one of this two-part video series (released last week). There are many definitions of the 'false self', the classic definition being Winnicott's. My book discusses my definition of it in more detail (I have a chapter on it, in fact). Here is Winicott's definition, in case you are interested to know more: theweekenduniversity.com/true-or-false-winnicotts-notions-of-self/

[@christieorr5152]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Interesting! I forgot that your book has this chapter so I re-read it, as well as the article you linked to. As a family scapegoat/CPTSD-sufferer myself, I just can't help but wonder if there might not be some projection going on at the societal/macro level in the terms that are chosen to describe how those of us at the wrong end of the oppression stick manage to survive. That's why I appreciated Fisher's sensitivity in choosing not to use "apparently normal self", even though -- as much as I benefitted from reading her workbook and book about structural dissociation -- I don't think "going on with normal life self" is short and sweet enough! I kind of like a term that I made up, "curated self". All that said, I understand the necessity of using the terms that are associated with the theoretical framework you're working from.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I actually agree with you. And yes, I did intentionally choose terms that are acknowledged in the Clinical Psychology field to entice /encourage clinicians / therapists, etc, to read and perhaps use my book in their practice, along with the research-based term I created (FSA) to describe this form of (often insidious and invisible) abuse. I was pleased to learn some psychiatrists are now also recommending it so my decision seems to be paying off. The more clinicians who can learn about my FSA work, the more clients will be helped. But on the 'client' side, I love your idea regarding a less 'pathologizing' term - "curated self" is wonderful!

[@ghaniabid]

Hi, is it possible for a spouse, who has married a family member of a dysfunctional family, to go on and become the family scapegoat by proxy? How should the family member of origin handle this scenario?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Definitely this could happen. If the family member of origin is also in the 'scapegoat' role, there is likely little that they can do to stop it or address it, the same as when they try to confront family on their own mistreatment / scapegoating abuse.

[@ghaniabid]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for replying

[@kara4590]

What is splitting?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is Part Two - There is a Part One that explains Splitting (a psychoanalytical term). You can also google “splitting and projection.” Link to Part One here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/anSponRmrryDntUsi=7RdAerASi6h8XAMD

[@sherrilcarss4641]

Dear Rebecca , you are truly some- body “Thank You” for sharing your beautiful understanding. Your warmth & Compassion shine through. And I’m sure I speak for all Scapegoated adults when I say this. When you said when you’ve got lots of crack’s in you, “ The Light of God’s Love ❤ can enter your soul, much more easily. And we know “The Bible tells us; that all things (even being Scape- goated) work together for good to them that 🙏Love ❤️ God,💟✝️🕊to them who called according to His purpose. ( not perfectly quoting)Roman’s 8:28 Please keep up the “The Good Work!” Rebecca it is much appreciated by those who understand. Praying 🙏 God Bless you’n’ yours always. You truly are a lovely lady so very rare. 🥹😍🫡SherrilL.Carss

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

What a beautiful note, Sherril, thank you so much for this and I appreciate your receiving my work in this way. Powerful quote, and I know this has been true in my own life, for which I am truly grateful.

[@jesperandersson889]

they'd have to stage another set of charcters in their lovely movie (I think followers of this channel should know family gatherings are restageings of 'the original sin') - such as the birthday, or the holiday or whatever sadly the show can't go on and I opt out