We Fused! Our First Alter Fusion 💗 Dissociative Identity Disorder

[@ashleyripley5781]

I was almost brought to tears by this, I've been watching you for SO long and I'm just so unbelievably happy that you were able to have such a wonderful fusion and that you were able to feel safe in your home again. So happy for you all

[@bellajenkins5669]

Look at this healthy, rejuvenated queen !! Blessing us with content !!

[@pinkiepie559]

this genuinely made me cry ;; the way you said "she was safe, things were different - we're aware now, we're connected now, we're a family now" made me just break because I cant imagine the relief Ramona must have felt when you found that note she left and you were finally together enough to fuse

[@ennisira1318]

even just as someone with BPD, this touched me, because i try to be so gentle with my inner child and the parts of me holding trauma and the tenderness your alters treat your brain with is so special!

[@4ndreaShiro]

I feel like your eyes look really bright and colorful in this video! It's the first time I actually noticed your eye colour! I'm really happy for you and can't wait for your new creative journey.

[@blueicemountain6831]

While I don't have DID and don't know what fusing feels like, I do know the feeling of your world becoming leagues more comfortable and realising that you are finally fully safe. You just radiate joy in this video and I'm so happy for you.

[@pineandmaples]

This is amazing, I'm so happy for you! Its also really fascinating listening to you go in depth about your inner world and stuff.

[@Pixielocks]

Awe thank you!!!! We’re planning to make a video all about our inner world sometime soon!! 🥰🌈💗

[@aleahbun4892]

@@Pixielocks i'm looking forward to it ! the concept of inner worlds is very fascinating to me as well

[@MadisonJones]

@@Pixielocks ooh omg I'm really looking forward to it that sounds awesome :D

[@fernv1587]

the photo reel of Ramona made me just so overcome, you sound so so affectionate in that part and i can only imagine how beautiful it is to interact with a younger version of yourself so vividly and be able to welcome them into your current life and accept their gifts and pain... so happy this was such an overwhelmingly positive transformative experience for you! :' )

[@vampyressence]

Very nice to hear that this fusion has made you feel more "yourself" in that way. And has unlocked a whole new level of unabashed cringe. Oh to have the confidence (or lack of caring what others think) of a cringy middle school teen which is honestly the vibe of 2023. I hope this year is filled with music, art, and fashion for you and the pixie gang.

[@SpookyStag2015]

you say that it'd be difficult for someone without DID/OSDD to understand, but you do a very good job of explaining it! I don't have either but what you were saying about the "headspace" stuff makes complete sense!

[@Pixielocks]

Yayyyy thank you I really appreciate that 😭🌈💕

[@xx-sof-xx]

we are so scared about fusion happening in our system because change is scary and who will we become and how will we manage it? we just want to hide under our blanket and forget everything around us and ourselves lol /lh thanks for sharing! it makes the whole concept less scary to us

[@Janne_Mai]

We're also scared of fusion. But we believe that if the brain kicks off a fusion, it knows what it's doing. It's not that it's our choice, but it has always felt right. It has also helped us to know that headmates can unfuse as well. And that we don't have to see fusion as our goal. If it happens organically, it will be okay, because we will be ready to deal with it. Support from Germany. You've got this

[@ShutYourDream]

I immediately noticed something was different with you guys, and I'm so happy for you that you're healing little by little. It made me tear up almost hearing you guys just be openly unabashedly loud and a little bit silly and rambley, it reminded me of old Pixie and knowing you're getting back in touch with these old parts of you and passions is so lovely! Much love to you guys!

[@tkh22]

WOW Ramona really said "we are k---ing the part of us that cringes" we stan the healing and thriving so much!!!!!!

[@StrawbunnySystem]

My husband went through the same thing- he was given his old journals from childhood, and in them they stated things like what yours did. He said he had absolutely no recollection of ever knowing it, and he can’t even remember when he first learned about DID. I wonder if I had any of my old stuff, would I find the same? Unfortunately through poverty/instability I’ve lost all of my old journals like that. I also used to say “I’m in a weird headspace” a LOT and I used to describe derealization as “this is a liminal space.” We haven’t had any fusions yet, but we’ve had a lot of people come out of dormancy. It’s so therapeutic to hear another system talk about what it feels like. Like you’re seeing something for the first time that you’ve been around for years and have looked at every day. I’m so glad you put this to words, because we haven’t even thought to talk about stuff like that. We’re really bad at understanding what we’re feeling, and what’s going on. It’s so hard. Congrats on your fusion 💕

[@MariaRize]

Welp, I really thank you for sharing your experiences, Pixie. I wanted to learn about this since I have someone dear to me who is currently experiencing the same thing as yours. That is why this video is so helpful! Congratulations on your fusion, btw! ^^

[@kellahanna-wayne4191]

Wow, I'm somewhat new to your channel but I thought your description of what fusion feels like to be so incredible relatable. We just had our 4th fusion, but it was the first really structurally significant one and it literally feels like we moved into a new house. All of our stuff is there but it's kinda rearranged which is both exciting and disorienting. Also, thanks for being another data point of the healing and happiness that's possible in DID. Seeing other systems make substantial healing progress is really encouraging to us and gives us a lot of hope.

[@melosunny]

this video was honestly so cool to watch (ive prob watched it like 5 times at this point) its so cool to hear your thoughts and experiences :)

[@melosunny]

also i just realized youre literally wearing cure heart and cure rosetta as earrings i love that so much

[@Janne_Mai]

Thank you for this description of what it feels like. We've had fusions like that. We are not anti-fusion, although we are always afraid of people pressuring us to fuse. I think that's why people get so heated about it. Because they hear stuff like "final fusion is always the goal of therapy" (yes people do say that) and understandably jump to "this therapist wants me to go away". We know that fusion can be joyful. But when the idea of fusion is pushed on you, you don't know that. It just feels scary and like someone wants you gone. That's why people push back against it so hard. I think the best thing you can do is be open about what fusion is actually like, like you're doing here. And encourage people to do what feels right in their own healing. For us, sometimes "what feels right" has been fusion. And sometimes a dormant headmate resurfaces and wants to stick around as their own person. Both is okay! It's okay to go with what feels right to all the headmates involved. You should never feel forced to fuse. Only do it if it feels good.

[@syrazie]

this is such a sweet video :,). i'm part of a DID system as well and i started realizing and fully accepting it right when i had my first fusion that i've been aware of. i'm the host and one part of me was our previous host and the other part was a persecutor/former host. my system discovery led me right into memory recovery, which for other system members in my system was catalyzed by our ptsd diagnosis months prior. i just took a lot longer to accept it. i totally feel you when you said that coming back to old diary entries and such after knowing that you're part of a system is a wild ride. i always knew that my handwriting would often change at varying degrees. now knowing that i'm part of a system and increasing communication with my other system mates, i know that some of those moments were them writing and not me. your videos are very helpful and comforting to a lot of us, thank you for taking time to get them to us :). -Sam + Fam (Sylvar System)

[@kawaiivalpal]

Hearing about your DID journey is so interesting to me as someone who has followed you for a long time. I don't have DID personally but I still feel like I can understand and resonate with some of your experiences 🌼💖

[@angy3784]

why am i almost crying wtf 😭😭 i can so clearly picture a baby pixie waking up and reaching towards u to hold your hand 😭 ur brain loves u so much im so happy you’re healing

[@dinosaursprinkles9669]

I’m so happy for you! And I’m happy that the out of body timetravel experience (which must have been strange) turned into something good and healing rather than just another trauma. I appriciate how you take the time to talk about how DID is more than ”just” having alters, and even more that you take care to protect yourselves and your boundaries. ❤️

[@cloud.observations]

Your videos mean so much to us! When you spoke about fusion being like you're in a different part of your brain, a different colour...wow! finally we've heard someone else speak about this strange experience! Amazing, thank you!!

[@quietzest]

I remember in one of your old vlogs you playing the piano and showing the camera a drawing you were particularly excited about. I know its only 5~ish years old now, but that vlog was so relaxing and just had a very different vibe from your other videos of the time. I’m happy that you can more comfortably share those passions with not only us, but yourself again now! Thank you for the video and sharing with us ❤

[@bbyvanilla666]

this video was super comforting to watch. i put this on while journaling and i just want to thank you for sharing. i dont have DID, but i do have PTSD. it's something i've been struggling a lot with lately. sometimes i feel trapped in my big ol noggin and hearing others experiences helps ground me. your videos make me feel less alone. thank you

[@BAKAROID]

It's great to hear you've been feeling so good and having so many positive outlets !! Here's to a great 2023

[@dagurulfsson291]

"i love remembering things!" Hits different when you're back to watch the video again bc you aren't the alter that watched this when it was posted haaaaa

[@lilhonor5425]

Thank you for sharing this with us! While I don’t have DID I can relate to your discussion of healing. Also embracing “cringe” and childhood interests. That’s been a big part of my journey the past few years with my mental health.

[@TheRaychenator]

We love to see a queen thriving 💕 I love moments where you’re just rambling and not trying to pick your words carefully, it always feels like I’m on a suspiciously high quality FaceTime call with a friend ✨✨✨✨

[@dylpickle9934]

I want to thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I don’t think I had DID but I know systems and want to learn more to better support and understand them. Your journey and experiences are valued and I’m (and I’m sure so many others) are so proud of how far you’ve come been subbed for 4 years and I am so happy you’ve learned more about your system and am hoping y’all an amazing new year!! 🖤🖤🖤

[@clegs8356]

that's honestly really cool?? im so so happy for you to experience that safeness and wholeness you talked about!! more of this healing energy for yall for real!!! 🥰💕🌈 while i know i can never know what it's like to have DID, i feel like the healing mechanisms and processes you talked about still make so much sense, and i can relate at least a little to the feeling of working through past things to the point of music that was once triggering becoming ok, and it's such a relief - i knows i was proud of myself when i realized that clear growth in me, and i can only imagine how much work you're putting into this and how complex it is, and i just think you're (all!) really cool and doing a wonderful job !! 💜✨ P.S. shout outs to your Ramona AND Ramona Flowers!!! we stan a blue-haired Toronto queen!! i loved those books ok!!! 😄💙💐🌻

[@SamEATS]

I’ve never related so much to you saying like, feeling like I’m seeing things differently in different parts of my brain, with different colors, I’ve tried to explain this to so many people and no one understands 😭😭 I’m so glad other ppl know how I feel

[@ajramirez3269]

** edit omg I just had an epiphany. Like your huge love and connection to Spinel from SU makes a lot more sense more than it already had. The way you described Ramona being frozen for so long and the way Jillian showed her that everything was safe and okay… it’s just so reflective in Spinels story. I’m rambling really, but I just am so intrigued by the parallels lol. I have a similar story with Harley Quinn 😂 I’m so happy to hear your process of healing and the success you’re having in your journey, Pixie

[@ajramirez3269]

Also the click clack of your earrings made my brain do a huge little happy jig lol. I went to go dig absolutely all of my old gacha’s so that I may now turn them into earrings

[@EludingRu]

@@ajramirez3269 You seem amazing I'd love to be friends /gen

[@royce6485]

Thanks so much for explaining this. Beat explanation of fusion I’ve heard!!! Great details examples

[@Pixielocks]

Awe thank you I really appreciate that 🥺💗🌈

[@sosunfreak]

Pixieeee! I am soooo happy that your fusion has gone so well and has been so helpful to you

[@astrid3321]

This video moved me to my core. Seeing the pictures of ramona, and hearing the love and compassion you hold for her in your voice. It’s like she was frozen all this time, and now you got to a place where it was finally safe to melt❤

[@KatsRule690]

im so happy for u!! im not a system but hearing u explain this experience n feelings is rlly resonating with me in a way i cant explain i keep tearing up. thank u for sharing i always enjoy ur videos sm! hoping 2023 is kind💗

[@netgeekdoggirl]

Love the little clink clanking of your earrings

[@Urbanmantraart]

I know this is a serious video but every time you say 'final fusion' I think of a power up move in an anime.

[@reechiebun]

omg i loved this video you look so happy and gorgeous !! but also !! the little crinkle sound from your earrings and necklaces are so good for my brain omg !!!

[@mosaic2476]

13:46 we've had that happen before; once the coming out of dormancy and fusion process even happened in 1-2 days

[@SilverSlushie]

I really love watching these to learn more about DID because ive always been a lover of psychology and learning how people think. This video was very beautiful and im so happy you’ve gone through this merge. Thank you for doing this and showing people this side of such a misunderstood illness, its wonderful

[@MadisonJones]

I'm so happy for you all :') I feel so safe watching your vids, the cozy comforting vibes are off the CHARTS! Sending you good vibes for a peaceful and healthy 2023. much love to you my dude!!!!

[@Trixie0026]

I am so happy for you! your journey and your discussions about your experience with DID is so informative. thank you for being so open, about dealing with mental health. :)

[@tillydavvers]

One of my favourite videos of yours was the precure medley you did! I'd be totally here for more piano content!

[@shiratamamikan]

so proud of you dear!! take care of yourselves, I cannot wait to see the new content for the upcoming year 🌷

[@MeowzaKitzy]

Ramona is really shining through in your mannerisms :) you seem different, in a good way!

[@sherickoos]

Congrats Pixie! I can tell that this is a great moment for you and your system. I wish you the best of luck on your continued path to healing.

[@alystairmabloch401]

I think you being open to whatever healing will present as for you is amazing! Great state of mind to be in to make great progress I'm sure. 😊

[@alystairmabloch401]

Also some people try so hard to unmask! You did it in a month and a half 😜 good job!

[@Ms.SpookyNerd]

Happy 2023 pixie! 🌈 So glad your progress is doing so well nowadays.

[@Krenzartha]

this video brought me so much joy & warmth 🥺 so happy to see you continue to progress & grow on your journey

[@encybean]

11:17 OKAY NO BUT HELLOOO!?!? I do NOT have D.I.D but I have to do The SAME Thing with my Partner when I have mental stuff going on!! Normally its when I'm feeling very paranoid, or when I "think" I'm seeing/hearing things that 100% aren't there. Sometimes its a neighbor doing something, sometimes it really is just an over active imagination, but its the other times that literally scare me cause idk what it could be! Anyway, not me relating in a way I wasnt ready for lmao Congrats on your fusion and I'm wishing you a wonderful 2023, Pixie!!

[@KeroseneSkies]

I don't have DID, but I do have PTSD and panic disorder and ADHD, and personally I've felt that weird "different" feeling after remembering a repressed memory! It's probably different but I related to how you described it as a whole new feeling and space you were suddenly in. Remembering the things our brains have hidden from us is really powerful and scary! ALSO! PTSD realllllyyyyyy impacted how I enjoy things. It made it really hard to do things I enjoyed anymore (I also describe it like a wall), and I've slowly slowly started getting back into things I loved. It's been really hard though!

[@CuteFluff8]

Thank you for sharing. This helps me. I didn’t know what I experienced was a fusion. So much healing to do. Amazing work for also working on your healing process. This so good. You give us hope we can heal. ❤

[@joylox]

I don't have DID, I have ADHD and likely autism, but I really related to the end where you talked about masking. I, in a way, forced myself to have multiple characters I'd play when I was growing up because I was scared of letting people down, being punished, or having something bad happen. My parents split up, so I had the me around my dad, the me around my mom, me at school, and me when I was alone, or sometimes with one or two close friends. It was just acting for me, but I really do feel like those moments were all different and I picture myself differently when I remember those times. I even had a nightmare one time that me when I was 7 or 8, went to fight me in my 20s, and it was very weird. Regardless, knowing more about those parts of me and what I was doing then, who I was trying to please, and why I hid or masked certain things, has brought great healing, as well as bringing up past trauma and gender dysphoria. When I cosplay, I don't have dysphoria, or not as much, regardless of the gender of the character, so in a way, I created more versions of me to cosplay. I like hearing people's healing stories, but this resonated more with me than I was expecting...

[@catarinapires9864]

Hi! This was a really nice video and I'm really happy for you that you are healing and discovering more about youtself!!

[@sebastian-wb4eq]

happy new year! your excitement about reconnecting with hobbies and interests is so contagious lol also LOVE the cure heart and cure rosetta earrings! that's such a fun use for those little keychain figures

[@Raspbarry_]

The part where you talked about how happy you where about feeling real again hit me hard, I don't have did but I had a giant derealisation episode because of depression and anxiety and stuff, also I'm autistic so I really understood when you said that. Seeing someone with similar issues as me healing really helps. You truly are a giant inspiration for me

[@CatReiD523]

So happy for you Pixie!! May many blessings and good vibes come your way!

[@jillsarah7356]

I’m so happy for you all!!! Thank you for sharing!!!

[@tinyaxes]

I adore your earrings and I'm so excited for you! We have fused quite a bit and it's always a different experience yet inherently the same. Here's to healing 😊

[@AnActualBatMan]

So happy for you, it sounds amazing how fusion has changed your life

[@BISH0P]

This was so beautiful and inspiring to watch, thank you for sharing 💖

[@danyalucero1144]

this is so exciting oh my goshhh! so happy to have been able to see/hear about your systems growth throughout this journey and thank you for allowing us to celebrate moments like this with you :) 🖤 congrats bbyyysss !!

[@ginnyisley3329]

I hope you're having a happy Year and a happy weekend or happy week.

[@Pixielocks]

It's been slowly but surely a lovely solid start to the year :)

[@ginnyisley3329]

@@Pixielocks that's good to hear I hope it keeps going good.

[@vctrthesilly]

endlessly proud of y’all and your journey as a long time confetti club member. your transparency about mental health is wonderful. so much love and respect

[@fujoshiiiii]

i thought final fusion was intended to be worked toward after addressing all different parts' symptoms? like, you would never want to intentionally work toward fusion when your suicidal ideation is compartmentalized to one alter so you'd work to address that and reduce those symptoms before working toward fusion/final fusion with that alter?

[@mitsuri3225]

Ur such a happy sunshine!! We all have to make our new years magical ☀️🌸🌼

[@piercetheskye_4508]

It's sometime like I just mentally check out and don't keep up with anything, I completely missed this video. But I'm so happy for you ! It sounds like you're really healing and going in a positive direction with your mental health. Btw the smiley flower on the screen looked like it was dancing, definitely distracted me with its cuteness 🌸

[@helioshawkk]

unrelated but the little clicky clacky of your earrings as you talk is EXCELLENT

[@bae.rose.e]

hi pixie!! i saw your video on truly, which led me to your channel. i hope you know you are such a huge inspiration in fashion!! i wish you luck on your journey!

[@serenediipity]

random but i love the little co-con moment with miss ronica. two alters talking out loud to each other is so relatable for us lol

[@hummingbirdspark3998]

I love all the colors!

[@bunny-iu9ur]

Your ojamajo doremi piano cover is one of my favorite videos you've made !! 💕 I'm so happy you are feeling more connected and comfortable. I see similarities in our experiences with art and music (and being less able to mask lol.) Good luck to all of you ^_^

[@ViktorErikFade]

I'm 15 minutes in And while I personally don't have D.I.D I DO however have pieces and shreds of ptsd from my father , depression, and anxiety So while I can't relate fully I value your stories whole heartedly and treasure them like I'm slowly drawing your portrait and details are being revealed to me as to how your mind works bringing out your personality as a whole system in one body. So while I can't see what it's like in your headspace I do kind of understand the feelings your describing just from a different view point or something close to it due to my other mental issues that I've learned to love and live with as part of me. If you have read this far here is a flower 🌻

[@justusspace]

Omg I remember YEARS ago u bought that tiny pink piano and I hope u get the joy in fuckin around on that tiny thing and stimming w it again soon!

[@terrahbruner]

I remember when you were in a band! I was actually thinking about that the other day. Pixie music side project in the next few years???

[@charissadubin9355]

So happy for you! Also you look ADORABLE today!

[@tinyaxes]

For me our dormant part Gregory fused with me when I went by the name Summer and it took about a week for me to realize it was happening and then two months for it to solidify. We also had parts named Molly and Calvin who were both fusions on their own, and now we are all together. We tried going by different names like Michelle! Chloe! Etc, and now we ID with our legal name, Ruth! After every time *I* have fused I feel more and more opaque, if that makes sense, more full, more me! It's such a beautiful experience.

[@jovannic]

I love your aesthetic, it makes me v happy !

[@alex-gq2jh]

Ramona has my whole heart. cheers to her healing and yours 💛💛💛

[@nathanbernards]

Good recruitment drive for those interested in fusion :3

[@mosaic2476]

maybe a bit of shade, but thanks for emphasising that fusion is an experience of healing and not... y'know, saying it's a deeply traumatic death

[@fruityfroot4413]

the way you explain your experiences really resonates with me…. maybe I have some research to do

[@lidda9010]

I'm so happy for you!! ♥️

[@retropockystick]

You've described all of this so perfectly... It was very validating hearing you say "i think only people with DID can understand this" and you proceeded to explain exactly what I can never put into words for myself. Thank you for sharing and... existing?

[@StonedJudxs]

Wooooow babes I'm so happy for you and excited for your journey! ❤️❤️ Unrelated. It took me 11 minutes to figure out that those were magical girl earrings... 🤣 I wholeheartedly agreed to the idea you wore shapes today and that's all lmao.

[@AmieOkami]

I have adhd and not did, but the absolute wonderful feeling of removing a wall blocking you from doing something you used to love is so so so amazing. Also does this mean we might get some pixie piano videos? 👀👀

[@Mama420Redneck]

i am from the days of calling this mpd... i have sat with my final 6 others for over 12 years ... my hubby doesnt even know... i think we are were we are going to be and im good with it!

[@hello-ub5vo]

i just came bac on ur channel after like a few years and i did not know u had DID

[@janespring9224]

@Pixielocks i zoned out for a second and when you said you played piano i thought you said one of your alters was a penis, (19:01) LMFAO. THIS WAS ME NOT TOTALLY PAYING ATTTENTION but when i realized what was really said I laughed for 5 minutes, Not that you said an alter had a penis, i thought you said an alter IS a penis. anywhooo love you and your light always,

[@nathanbernards]

We liken integration with joining the internal society 😊

[@lizzie4271]

It's SO good to see you in a better place!

[@bellajenkins5669]

Omgggg been exciting since you posted on Twitter !!! Hiiiiii jill❤thank you for the lovely video! Happy new year too

[@mystiemoon97]

this is awesome! your vibe is honestly just so much healthier and happier. from one system to another, when people say "healing your inner child" it is very literal for us!!! Anyway, love from the mystiemoon system!!

[@catniplovescake]

🤓 I'm learning a lot, just in the first couple minutes here! 😹 Functional Multiplicity! good articulation for "how I've been " for a good chunk of my adult life 🙄💫🐱 for a time, I just considered myself to have the classic "office professional by day/Socialite, party princess by night"...& now that I know what I'm dealing with, so much of my past makes sense! I can remember a couple of times during heavy crisis, when I'd been utterly mixed-up, saying in a panic, "My Auto-pilot isn't working! I don't know what to do!" & not feeling myself...but there wasn't a solid "Self"yet...just pieces &parts...

[@CommonSandpiper]

Serious: happy for y'all!! so so happy :) Silly: i watch vids at 2x speed & i did NOT hear "pianist" & had to rewind

[@Pixielocks]

VERY VALID LOL

[@dannikat7780]

It's so amazing that you guys are in a place where you feel safe enough to process these things and that Ramona felt safe enough to fuse. It's so amazing hearing you talk about all the good that you're feeling and optimism for 2023

[@ssh3178]

Since when do you have DID?

[@alex-gq2jh]

it's been about a year since she publicly announced it

[@ssh3178]

@@alex-gq2jh thats wild ive been watching her for over 5 yrs and i hadn’t seen her content in a year, so i never expected that! Btw pixi, i didn’t mean the question in a bad way incase you took it like that, i was genuinely curious

[@slysdeliveryservice]

@@Raven74408: if you think pixielocks are making these videos to look “cool”, then you don’t have to watch her.

[@maggiemeg]

Never. Its fake

[@marsmemory]

the absolute swell of pride and Feelings TM i felt when you started talking about what ramona looks like and what she's like BIG BIG AWWWWW