POV: Day In The Life Of An Avoidant Attachment

IB: Jessica Baum, LMHC

[@_ms3491]

It just blows my mind how accurate this is, having this attachment type sometimes feels like a blessing and sometimes feels like a curse, it really is hard to get to know people when you are like this which can lead to you feeling alone but at the same time you really like your time alone so commiting to a relationship is really hard because you feel like your are putting that at risk, and also dealing with your emotions is not something you are used to, so putting excuses that avoid you from doing it is pretty much a daily rutine

[@tookoo559]

Where is the blessing?

[@_ms3491]

@@tookoo559 if you have this attachment type then that's something you should ask to yourself, I can say that it allowed me to focus on my goals and be more independent but with the downside of struggling to know people, it really depends because we might not see certain things the same way, after all we have different lifes

[@superlasse2468]

@@_ms3491 I would give up all of my accomplishments and wealth just to have a healthy partner and thriving social life. Even if I'm getting a lot done, I know it's because I'm doing it to prove my worth. You could say it doesn't matter why you're doing it, as long as you're doing it, but I've been cursed with the whole "fear of failure, scared of success" thing, so I'm really committed to working on something for like 6 months, because I'm scared of the criticism when someone realises I'm not doing anything, and when I have an intermediate level that I can use to convince people I'm competent, I'll stop, because I'm also afraid of being evaluated when I'm most successful. Also because I'm successful, it will gain attention and I don't like people looking at me, because I don't feel good enough. I'm also scared of success, because I have a conditional self worth and I think if I do a lot, I'm worthy, but I'm scared of doing everything I can and still not feeling good enough, so I don't do everything I can and I blame that for my not feeling good enough.

[@patrickennis4612]

Blessing? It IS a blessing to have an anxious meet all your needs while ignoring even their most basic needs for security and love. Avoidants will suck the life out of you..... ALMOST as bad as dealing with a bpd.

[@_ms3491]

@@patrickennis4612 I never mentioned anxious people, still it isn't avoidants's responsability to fullfil your needs, we all struggle and we are not therapists

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

What's ironic is Avoidants are naturally attracted to the Anxious attacher, and vice versa, because they are both attracted to the traits the other has that are suppressed within themselves. It's ying and yang. Two opposite sides of the same coin -- BOTH are insecure attachments that need healing. As an anxious attacher, I will say this: *They are not terrible humans.* At their core, they long for deep connection and intimacy just like everyone else (incl anxious / secure). It's just their perceptions (ie like everyone's out to get them, I can't reveal too much about myself because I fear they won't like the real me. I can't get too close, or I'll lose my independence, ETC). Their dismissals, and avoidant coping mechanisms are unhealthy, and subsequently cause hurt. They self sabotage their chances of love. They appear well put together on the outside, but internally they are deeply insecure. I wish them nothing but healing because they deserve it. We all deserve to heal from our core wounds from childhood. ***Edit: Whilst I wish them well, I've since learned more about avoidant attachment patterns. And I choose to never get involved with an avoidant again.

[@rivergreen1727]

Much love to you from a dismissive avoidant ❤ Thank you for seeing through our bullshit and not blaming us for it. May you find healing and surround yourself with people who support you in it.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@rivergreen1727 It's not our fault for developing our insecure attachments, but it is our responsibility to heal and be more secure. Much love!

[@FearlessLeis]

❤ I really feel for them too.. as a fellow anxious attached (recovering.)

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@FearlessLeis Same. I understood better why avoidantly attached people use deactivating strategies (all to feel 'safe'). But I don't have to accept that behaviour and be on the receiving end. I wish them healing. Preferably in therapy. Also, how's your AP recovery been? Any tips?

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@FearlessLeis Same. I feel bad for them to be that stuck inside of themselves, unable to open up and be their authentic selves. But also their behaviours and even thought processes are frustrating to deal with, especially when they lack clarity in their communication. Makes for a NON relationship.

[@jnavy1999]

This is extremely sad to me, the inability to have a true connection is tragic

[@jclau77]

Me to avoidants: "I THINK, THAT YOU LEAVE A TRAIL OF DEAD RELATIONSHIPS EVERY DAMN PLACE THAT YOU GO."

[@Healingflower313_]

My husband’s track record lol. He knows the buck stops with me. Accepting he needs healing or will continue to traumatise future partners. If it wasn’t for my own strong secure identity it would’ve ruined me.

[@kittykatsanchez]

Haha my ex's exs hate him

[@martina6700]

I won't if I refuse to even feel attraction to people 😎😎

[@pdawg2716]

Don’t allow your personal experiences you fill you with hate to the point that you start lashing out at random people on the internet that you don’t even know. Generalizing is wrong. Speak for your own life experiences and people in your life, but projecting that hate onto random other people is just wrong. I thought in 2024 we were enlightened enough to understand that if you have a bad experience with someone in a particular group of people, that you shouldn’t rush to stereotype and demonize everyone in that group. That’s the root of all bigotry

[@naghammmm]

1. Yeah I do like the attention and I like it when they text me but i won’t text them back immediately. I won’t text first too. I hate to show them that I care. I will respond later, maybe in two hours! 2. I like to be independent way too much to give it up for the sake of a relationship. I can’t say “I love you” and closeness suffocates me. Love bombing disgusts me. I don’t need a man. I need myself. I 3. I don’t think I will ever be with someone. Leaving this to destiny. No one can tolerate my personality. I don’t trust men at all. I will leave before they could even think about leaving. They will eventually leave, I will do that first. 4. Yeah I like to spend so much time alone, and to have my own personal space. Sometimes I dislike physical touch (depends on my mood). What do you mean you love me? I met you one year ago! You are just a liar, you don’t love me. 5. Working alone and a lot. I am never satisfied. I need to work harder. I have to be a high achiever. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. I have no time for relationships and emotions, I will leave that for later. I will just focus on myself now, I don’t need anyone. I am better off alone 6. The silent treatment. I won’t let you know what’s wrong with me. It’s embarrassing to admit it. So I will just give you the silent treatment and you will just keep guessing. 7. I will laugh at your joke, but i will start to overanalyze and overthink everything you said before. I will start to have doubts. And I might end up leaving you just because my brain thinks your joke hides something else…. 8. Trust issues. I don’t even trust myself sometimes lol. The struggle goes on…..

[@lindsay3268]

Are you actually my partner?

[@SergioFernandez-cj4mt]

@@naghammmm do you happen to be a Capricorn ♑️?

[@naghammmm]

@@SergioFernandez-cj4mt yes I am! 🤣

[@SergioFernandez-cj4mt]

@@naghammmm uugggghhh I knew it!!! Thank u 🙏 for ur insight, u just explained the Cap I was with and why she acted the way she did with me … helps with closure 🫤

[@elijahforsyth2332]

My partner is like this, but she broken though some of the barriers. I find myself getting frustrated that I don't know why. Know I do. I don't know If I can manage a life with my partner, but the beautiful person she is at her core, and the fact that she is trying to brake out of this mold, means I can't give up. I love her to much, as an anxious type, this can be very much part of the problem.

[@thekellyvlog.]

This actually brought tears to my eyes due to the pain resurfacing

[@PB-md3nt]

This describes my avoidant ex to the T. I'm so fed up....silent treatments, frequent breakups over stupid shit...She can be someone else's headache.

[@RaySmithWeb]

You are saying what so many others have heard, and suffered in silence, thinking they were the *only* one who experienced this dysfunction.

[@jccchapman7604]

"Gives me an excuse not to be intimate" the Avoidents' go to.

[@MimifromChicago]

We don't actually SAY that, or even think of it in those terms.

[@jccchapman7604]

@@MimifromChicago What do you tell yourself when you prioritize things other than a relationship to keep from being intimate?

[@MimifromChicago]

@@jccchapman7604I was not consciously doing this, and had never heard of avoidant behavior. I can only say in my case it was that my career was most important. I had goals and high standards. I spent my youth laser focused on education, getting the degrees and experience needed to be successful. You think of the sacrifices your parents made to educate you, your own sacrifices and a lifetime of hard work. Why risk it fooling around with some guy who would likely be gone soon anyway. It never occurred to me that I didn't have to work that hard - much harder than most of my peers . Did I really need to get 2 promotions in my first 3 years of work? I never considered that it would be ok to move up a little more slowly and simultaneously pursue a serious relationship. To me I perceived a serious relationship as a distraction. I think a lot of us do this.

[@wavy6470]

You don't understand these issues at all

[@jccchapman7604]

@@wavy6470 Avoidant don't avoid intimacy? What don't I understand?

[@yasminoench5412]

This is insanely accurate. I feel called out by this.

[@mikelisteral7863]

these chicks are great for pump and dumps

[@sezja]

me realizing i dont eve say "goodnight" cause its too personal

[@user-rx7uh9mg4f]

He wouldn’t even say good morning ..:

[@LSGO90]

Good morning or good night isn’t part of their vocabulary lol

[@sheriwl]

I have one who has said "good night 😊" twice now.... Am i lucky or something?

[@aliasoner5747]

I didn’t get a good morning in 2 years… but I did get good nights hmm

[@sruthyshree]

You woke up and chose violence 😅

[@pauale10]

I hate that I hurt people I truly care about by being like this. No matter how much they try to tell me or show me how much they love and care about me I can’t fall into vulnerability and jeopardize other important things in my life. I think I will die a an old lonely cat lady and I’ve made my peace with this

[@maryjaneaalston1959]

Lol I have 3 cats😂

[@carlostejada145]

I just dumped my gf over this. If you don’t change or get help you will.

[@nnthot]

Why is it so hard for you day I am taking accountability for my poor behaviour.

[@lexis.2006]

@@carlostejada145My bf is an avoidant and i’m and anxious. i considered breaking up with him heavily today, but it’s just so hard.

[@PossibleBat]

Some of us can improve, but honestly most of us don’t have the strength to, hope and will to do, so we just accept that this is the way the are going to live our lives. It’s not sad per se, it’s a solitary life. For me is comforting, for others a nightmare. But in the end is your happiness what matters, so do whatever makes you feel better

[@jadegreen1554]

When you’re with the wrong person, they react like this with you, but can quickly shift it all with someone else. If someone is behaving like this, ACCEPT that they don’t like you, and find people who honour you as you are. You deserve that. No amount of holding on and proving yourself is going to change their mind.

[@AceKite00]

I’m Avoidant Attachment because I’m scared that once we sit down together and enjoy ourselves, she’ll just walk away to do something else, or leave entirely, like my family always did.

[@elixir_enchantress]

@AceKite00 My partner is an avoidant too . I love him and am ready to do whatever is needed to make our relationship work. But he always pulls back . I told him that I respect and value the space you want. I gave him the assurance that I'm with him always. I hope it works. It would be of great help if you can suggest to me how I can talk to him to make it work . Am asking because you are an avoidant too I'll be highly thankful to you. waiting for your response. Thank you.

[@D4Gamerz]

​@@elixir_enchantress I'm an avoidant, unfortunately realizing too late this is the reason why I've broken every girls heart I've ever been with. I would say just let him know you're there for him and understand he needs his personal space. It might feel like he doesn't value you at times but understand you're the best thing he's got, in his mind. He just can't express it. It sounds like you are a wonderful girlfriend, I hope he doesn't blow it like I have.

[@elixir_enchantress]

@@D4Gamerz if you don't mind can we connect to somewhere safer for conversation? like snapchat or reddit? if you're okay with it

[@Deadlineinside]

⁠@@elixir_enchantress jimmy on relationships (KZbin or insta) has some good shorts speaking on how to communicate/connect with avoidant partners. As someone with avoidant issues some of his videos have been very eye opening specifically the one about needs/wants. I’ve never thought about my own needs or wants in relationships so having examples kind of floored me and opened my eyes to the idea lol his videos are definitely worth a watch

[@Anatheempress]

DAMN YOU DIDNT HAVE TO ATTACK ME LIKE THAT

[@brutalchicken]

Just had my heart broken by an avoidant.

[@hayatkaidi7889]

Same here 💔

[@ppmbunla7472]

same. It's not your fault, it's just their behaviour that we can't blame them either. I think only some can withstand their behavious.

[@bbli-bq5xj]

Same here and it hurts like hell

[@Alixir1228]

Me too. Two days ago.

[@T26OG.]

I am absolutely sorry this happened. As an avoidant myself, I want to share my experience in that perhaps it can help: I have an avoident-dismissive attachment style due to trauma and abuse, and I'm a guy, which meant I was never getting approached all that much to begin with, but in my day, some girls did make the first move. I was in a long phase of openly telling people that I do not believe in romantic love and I am only after sex right now. However I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings with this. Many girls thought they could "fix me" and I treated them as human beings during the process. The majority of these girls, after we were done, went on to marry good guys. They all told me something similar to "even though I knew what it was with you, I never felt used or unsafe. You showed me what a good guy was like even though you don't believe you're a good guy". Come to the present day, I'm now 38, nobody wants me, and I'll never truly know if anybody ever loved me or not because I didn't give so many chances. Unfortunately, those rare chances I have, were to the wrong people. Don't blame yourself for our mental gymnastics. A quote from the song squonk sums it up perfect: "His heart was broken long before he ever came to you, stop your tears from falling." I'm not saying your tears are bad, it's symbolic. What it means is, you should never feel like it's your fault. And we'll, this person who broke your heart will probably wind up alone and wondering like myself. You will find somebody better than us one day

[@mittag983]

I do this because I'm afraid the other person has the power over me and I don't really believe in romantic love but also do and that makes me afraid my intuition that says it isn't real was right all along. (I'm fearful avoidant)

[@snailart9214]

Honestly I'd rather be hurt and believe in real love than never experience love at all. I know it can be really scary, it can be REALLY fucking scary to be vulnerable, but you'll never know if it was worth it unless you try.

[@nnthot]

At least I dared is my go to.

[@marissadelmar4403]

I just learned that having an avoident attachment style can result in having a bad memory. Not only in regards to childhood memorys but also effecting your later life memorys or abillity to study in a efficent way. For me this is so true and definitelly a major issue. Anybody else here with this Problem and any idea how to overcome this? Thank you so much!

[@keithhall3927]

Hello! I have this personally type, I’m currently staying single and working on my self. A lot of what you said is absolutely true.If you want to kinda know how are minds work. But please try to have a little empathy. I’d say my main fear with relationships is loosing myself in another person. A lot of it stems from neglectful childhood stuff. I noticed I subconsciously took on the emotional load of my past relationships because I had to do the same with my mom. In my experience I really do want connection, but when it comes to being vulnerable it’s like I’m holding I giant sign that says “Here are my weaknesses! Here’s how to screw me over! Did I also mention free therapy?!Please take me for granted while I tend to your needs and yours only!!!” Like I give people an inch and they take a mile. Or they try to use it against you. I’m just tired of constantly taking care of people and getting nothing in return but more stomping over my boundaries. It’s like whenever I connect with someone they flood my life and then suddenly what I want or think doesn’t matter as much. It’s a constant internal fight to keep my personal autonomy because it’s been steamrolled and taken away so many times. I know I shouldn’t be scared of love but it’s like when you have a huge gash or a rolled ankle, and the other person is trying to put a cold pack on but you keep involuntarily swatting at it so you have to try and put it on a few more times until you can bear it. But I’m also trying to improve, some people are just dicks.

[@DanielaRosenrot]

If you are desperate for love you will move way too fast into relationships ignoring red flags and you will accept unacceptable behaviour and subconsciously think maybe i can fix them. - thats was the case for me but i am changing that.

[@ddna2267]

I hate myself more, finding that I can't even build any relationship with someone I like, because I can't stand this side of me.

[@jij4313]

What IS love for you in ure case?

[@coltenkelso5764]

Depends on which avoidant attachment you have. I have the rarest one which is fearful avoidant. It’s terrible because I swing back and forth in relationships. And if one person is more anxiously attached I’ll become more avoidant. If the other person is more avoidant then I’ll become more anxiously attached.

[@Manuela_b28]

Same here

[@NaNa-re3wc]

That’s not a type of avoidant, but an entirely differently attachment style also known as “disorganized”.

[@coltenkelso5764]

@@NaNa-re3wc the anxious side for a fearful avoidant isn’t the same as someone with anxious preoccupied. The anxious side for a fearful avoidant is looking for signs that people are out to get you causing you to be more avoidant of relationships to begin with. It’s not the same as the dismissive. It’s a different type of avoidant attachment.

[@whiggygirl]

Me too 😢

[@sara.m88]

I'm fearful too 😢😢😢

[@nannyboo9832]

Omg spot on, even attaching yourself to work above all else

[@donovan7187]

I have fallen for someone who has an Avoidant attachment and this could not be more true. I didn't even know that they were a dismissive avoidant, so when these signs show up the first few times, like not being able to reply or message back right away, or even talk to me at times. They would hold themselves back, keep things to themselves alone. And I would get hurt and also upset because I'd be getting mixed signals, I would think that they hated me. They're a wonderful and such a kind person. So when they do this, it makes me overthink and feel bad. I love them and I also wanna help them open up more and become more comfortable and safe around me.

[@daughteroftheking6402]

These people are alone for these reasons and they will continue to be alone, unfortunately. Not unless they get the help they so desperately need.

[@DanielJamesEgan]

One text a day is smothering? Goddamn I'm glad I'm not the one who had a great date with you last night.

[@stinkmymeat]

I don’t think you took the rest of the video as seriously as you needed to. If you had you would understand that line a lot better bruv

[@DanielJamesEgan]

@@stinkmymeat okay have fun with your miserable, lonely life.

[@ppmbunla7472]

I got extremely confused by their behaviour at first luckily I found out about attachment theory. sometime they just will text you back 3 or 4 days later.

[@user-rx7uh9mg4f]

@@ppmbunla7472 My avoidant partner did that. I complained he would fix his behavior then go back to it again.. I’m leaving. They’re not worth it and a huge waste of time plus heart break.

[@miller5170]

Do Not drag people along. If you aren’t ready for a real relationship with communication and commitment just be honest how you get that would help so much to know

[@heythere9371]

I have actual avoidant personality disorder, I will never even be in a relationship because I can't talk to anyone.

[@Andrew-gs2ps]

your not unchangeable. If you have that desire in ur heart there is a range of possibilities. U just gotta let that plant grow.

[@MessiahManiac]

Fuck this is so accurate 😭😭

[@roxstarb4129]

Oh wow! This video is well done! Now I see how the avoidant personalities play in everyday life! This explains A LOT!

[@Vladd7]

Avoidants want the benefits of being in a relationship without any of the responsibilities.

[@zishanansari7681]

Imagine a avoidant attached person comes relationship with anxious attached person ☠️🍿

[@pigpapa9349]

It seems like this is my situation. Sorry for over sharing but, Been searching up videos on how to sort through this all. I didn’t even know I had this attatch ment but it all makes sense now

[@darin1868]

looks like we’re in a same boat. jesus christ

[@ppmbunla7472]

It's a hellish. They will broke up eventually.

[@SS-rg5di]

Such relationships are very common.. and they are always on and off

[@elixir_enchantress]

​@@pigpapa9349my situation 💔 my partner is an avoidant and I'm an Anxious. He keeps pulling away for a long time . I don't understand what I should do at such times. I don't want to pressure him but I also want him to know that I'm there for him . Being an avoidant if you can suggest some ways to deal with my partner . Then I'd be highly thankful to you .

[@LootShrimp]

It all depends on the individuals; got married four months into knowing one another, we've been together for almost ten years. The reason we knew it would work, was because of our previous relationships and we knew what we did and didn't want. We both knew our boundaries and red flags; luck was also a factor.

[@purplegirl8036]

Those are my actions but my thoughts don’t sound like that.

[@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaim]

So what are they then?

[@FearlessLeis]

​@@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaimim curious too.. im genuinely curious about the thoughts of avoidants.

[@sandracastillo3317]

yes please share. And Thank you

[@sj3969]

My actions are like this too, and I also don’t think this way. I don’t text often because it opens the window to longer conversations that I might not have the mental capacity for. When people start pushing then I feel expectation and that makes me more resistant-it’s like if you love to draw, but then start doing it for work…it no longer feels good. I try to be fair and say how much contact I need but I’ve found people keep pushing and some even become manipulative, which I'm then blamed for-though I can't/don't control them. I don’t want marriage or dating again because people are usually just trying to get their needs met, and often, they don't care as much who is doing it they just want to check off a box. I say, lets slow down. Relationships are not life or death, lets compromise until we can't and if that day comes, lets part amicably. My biggest goal is everyone feeling respected and able to be authentic, however, this means that we will often times be incompatible which is great too! I’d rather accept difference and authenticity than risk resentment and having someone or myself bend into pretzels just because of anothers (mine included) demands. When I say this people become confused though. It's like they expect more drama and pushiness, won't get it from me. You don't text for for a week, I log that as a measure of how often you like contact and make decisions FOR MYSELF (because I don't wantnti control or contort you) from there. I couldn't imagine arguing over it.

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

This is where I see how I’m way more disorganized than avoidant. I lean avoidant but I get super excited, jump into relationships, THEN deactivate and start acting avoidant like this

[@gracebird3271]

That sounds just like my husband. He was very doting when we met, an excellent partner when we faced difficulties together, but when we experienced infertility with the root cause being him, he was avoidant. I had to steer the whole journey; he left me crying alone and, only a month ago, said he wanted to separate, all of a sudden painting me as a villain so that he can better handle this on his conscience. It's wild! I don't recognise this guy. But I guess it shows me that he really can't deal with when a difficult issue lies with him.

[@elissao.6585]

Oh... I think I just realized my issue

[@lmart16]

We'd rather just try different options, never ending, and waste our time with that than getting to know someone who is actually all in.

[@DarkSolidity]

Wow I literally have every single one of these, guess I'm going to have to start looking up avoidant attachment.

[@amandapanda1100]

Thank you for sharing this.🙏 I did not realize that these things “be quiet” could be a hinderance,wow!! I am thankful for this series and am going to be more aware of this in my own thoughts and daily life and lean more on Gods love and promises.❤️

[@StaticCollapse]

This sounds like the person I went on a date with a couple/few weeks ago.. At least in how they present themselves.. They initially texted a lot and now they just dont initiate anything.. Nothing against them but like being on the recieving end? It hurts, they seem to not know what they want, and they seem super cautious and work focused.. Like I get that they can be busy with stuff but yeah. I dunno what to do even though I wanna make things work out for once.. I've been pretty vulnearable with them, I set up my own boundaries with other people for their sake, and canceled a trip with a friend of mine since I wanted to be cautious with the person I was dating. Playing it safe you know? And it feels like I'm just left in the dark.

[@superlasse2468]

Hi, fearful avoidant here ! Hopefully I can help 😊 Rest assured that whatever is happening isn't about you, it's about them. Their emotional needs. Their fear and their feelings of inadequacy. They're scared of you getting to know the "real" them. They feel not good enough, so they presume you think the same and this will lead to you leaving them. They need reassurance that they're good enough and that you won't leave them. They likely also don't trust their emotional needs will be met in their relationships, and may even be disconnected from their emotions, so they might need you to ask how they're feeling every so often, and give them room to express, otherwise they might bottle up their emotions (because they don't expect to be heard) and it can cause problems further down the line. We want love, but we're also scared of it. If they're healing, definitely stick with it. Also, fearful avoidant definitely better than dismissive avoidant. Having a partner that thinks "I'm bad and everyone else is better than me" is definitely better for you than someone that thinks "I'm the best and everyone else is bad". I find that fearful avoidants lean anxious and will be open and overshare, whereas dismissive avoidants won't and don't. I've been researching this stuff for quite some time now, so please let me know if you're curious about anything :)

[@gala2103]

​@@superlasse2468as a FA myself i totally agree with what you said. Btw im dating DA and yeah, its much much worse. So selfish and inconsiderate behavior, i swear sometimes it feels like dating a narcissist (even though I know he's not).

[@superlasse2468]

@@gala2103 I just stopped dating and vowed to first continue dating when I'm attracted to and attract healthy people. Too much for me emotionally otherwise :s

[@gala2103]

@superlasse2468 I feel you. I guess we need to really heal ourselves to attract secure and healthy partners, bc rn.. looks like they're not even entering my sphere. Only AP and DA folks 😅

[@superlasse2468]

@@gala2103 100%. I don't feel worthy of secure partners. I feel like I push them away with my clinging (when I feel alone) or controlling (when I fear abandonment) behaviours anyway, so even if they're attracted to me (mainly because of the success I've had to have to feel good enough), my personality will fuck it up for me. In friendships, I attract transactional relationships (usually FAs with narcissistic traits): people who are socially/emotionally underdeveloped due to their childhood and are pursuing grandiosity to compensate for low self-esteem. Very often, they're critical and emotionally unavailable, just like my father was. The problem with this is that I can't get validation from people who are unable to validate themselves. My true task is self-validate and to feel good enough even if I don't do anything; understanding that my consciousness, presence and the fact that there will never be anyone like me in the world ever again is my value. "What a beautiful thing it is for me to have even been created in this way and survived everything life's thrown at me up until now." The mutual struggle we share as humans to survive creates an interconnectedness between us and makes us the same. No one person is better than the other. I know all of this intellectually, but it will take more relationship focused therapy to drive it home emotionally. More exposure to an unconditionally loving relationship free from neglect, abuse, volatility. In romantic relationships, I attract APs or people pleasing FAs with particularly poor mental health (and therefore self-care) who view my success and suppression of negative emotion as me being well regulated and healthy. I tend to be critical, clingy and controlling. I suck the life out of those trying to love me and unintentionally cause the abandonment I fear the most. I go into the relationship with an emptiness from childhood. The unconscious motivation for the relationship is the fear of being alone. From this emptiness, a codependency is inevitable. I need to be okay outside of a relationship. I've formed a covert narcissism to shield myself from confronting my shame. I understand that I will view everything as pointless and everyone as worthless, as long as I'm depressed and have low self-esteem. I'm not okay with having this awareness and still having romantic relationships, so, although it's lonely, I focus on my therapy and trying to build something that's aligned with my desired future. I would advise you to pursue a relationship with yourself. Work on self-esteem as much as possible. I recommend Matthew McKay's book "Self-Esteem". It helped me a lot. Also try to find a therapist specialised in attachment trauma, where the focus of the therapy is your relationship with the therapist, rather than the technique they use. If your partner, who no doubt suppresses negative emotion or doesn't even understand what they're feeling, because of the disconnect/dissociation from their emotions, can't meet your emotional needs, and isn't willing to go to therapy, I think it would be the most loving thing to your inner child to end the relationship. In your relationship with your inner child, it's important to understand that it needs 3 things: to feel loved, to be heard and to be played with. If you're doing all of this on your own, you won't look for the relationship with another person to fill the void caused by the lack of love received during childhood. You'll hopefully come to the same conclusion I have: that no one will treat you better than you treat yourself, so a relationship is a "nice to have" rather than a survival strategy. I know I've said a lot. I'm happy to hear what you have to say about it all and I'd love to answer any questions you have.

[@RyuEnGamer]

Yup. Exactly why I will never in a million years ever deal with or date an avoidant again. They actively look for reasons for things to fail! Be patient with them; they’ll say you’re not trying. Put in genuine effort and they’ll say you’re too overwhelming or they need to “take things slow,”.

[@nnthot]

Be loving to them, they think you manipulate them. Try to hold it together by being logical, they find you too logical and you need to be more acting like a lady

[@MsWithoutNick]

@@nnthot No. Friend. Alas. Look. Let's take the most perfect scenario, where a person with an avoidant attachment style is inherently sincere, kind, and willing to connect, okay? Even in such a case. Look. You will never find balance with them. (Not to mention outright manipulators). So. 1. You talk about love - they fear it. They start feeling AT LEAST that they should respond in kind, but they can't say the same because that would mean acknowledging some responsibility. Automatically, they already feel pain from this. And they avoid you. If you don't talk about love - they think they're not interesting to you, you don't love them. And they avoid you because there's no verbal confirmation of love. 2. You talk to them about this issue of their avoidance, right? That it bothers you - they'll run away because it weighs on them. They feel guilty for causing you this pain. If you don't talk about it - they'll run away because "if she/he doesn't even bring up this topic, then she/he doesn't care about me. She/he doesn't love me." In short, it's a constant attempt to find a balance with them on how to behave. But you will never find that balance. NEVER!! No matter how you act - their psyche will always find a reason to escape. Say a simple compliment - they'll think you're lying and want something from them. Don't say a compliment - they'll think they're not liked. And so on.

[@amiliaazahari1727]

​​@@MsWithoutNicktrue. I just got dumped by avoidant a few days ago. There's no winning w them. There's no scenario that I could do differently. Every time I communicate with him. I used to be a secure attach person bfore him. But he keep chasing after me..make me open my vulnerability. So I did. But I know how hard is it for a man to talk bout emotions and all. I keep asking for his reassurance bout do I come across as needy or annoyed or you need me to tone it down. You want your space..I try to ask him to validate what his feeling so I can meet him on his emotional needs. Bcz we agree to have an open communication and respect our boundaries are in the beginning of our relationship. And I'll always be available to him whenever he reach out to me. Bcz I know he has his issues too and I'm aware of that. Trust issue, abandonment issue. I tried to be open in communicating so he can be vulnerable to me and I want him to feel safe to me. Then boom! I got the goodbye note. And got block! Congrats.🎉 P/s, the words "nothing venture, nothing gained" so, I opened up myself be vulnerable thinking that he could be vulnerable to me too. And you know wht he said back to me. He said I'm too insecure. Yeah. He is narcissistic and avoidant attachment. Just my luck, I guess

[@user-rx7uh9mg4f]

Will end a “relationship” with an avoidant man. 100% not worth it. When I met him I was a confident woman and he was so sweet treating me well.. now that we deepened our relationships he’s slowly starting to pick out things he doesn’t like about me (even though I never did the same to him). Looking back there were signs everywhere that he was avoidant but I was uneducated. At first I thought he was an introvert .. either way DON’T do it because you’ll end up loosing yourself in the relationship. 6 months of my life I could’ve invested in myself or others went into trying to understand him and getting closer.

[@amiliaazahari1727]

@@user-rx7uh9mg4f tq for the comment. I really need to hear that. My avoidant ex really did the same thing to me. Nitpick everything bout me . Belittle and gaslighting me. I was a secure attacher to bfore him. But when I was with him, he managed to brought up the anxious attacher in me.

[@russellsreflection]

All the damage in my life has been caused by avoidants who chased me, got me to want to commit, then walked away often after years. There is something fundamentally dangerous about avoidant people, whether you are a friend, a lover, a committed partner, or a family member. And a disregulated avoidant is extremely dangerous. I wish I had never met any of them and now look for the signs, the way I learned to look for narcissism, and there is certainly an area of crossover, whatever anyone might say.

[@hspinnovators5516]

Yes a rule of thumb is an avoidant who doesn't work on themselves is pretty much a cluster B/narc PD'd individual. If they're aware of it and don't change the damage done is the same as the pathological individuals.

[@nnthot]

Agree with the both of you

[@rachelkirby3167]

Dang. You hit the nail on the head.

[@christiel4302]

It’s wild bc the guy I liked a year ago has all these traits down to a T and here I am rewatching this and realizing I have these same traits but to a lesser degree 💀

[@DanielaRosenrot]

Thanks. I only see a few bits of myself in this (disorganized) but dismissives seem very cold and passionless - more object/project oriented. When i like someone alot (which is rare) i am very attentive.

[@shrutishaw6901]

That's me🥲🥲🥲🥲 Honestly distracting myself with my work has made me an achiever but I still feel a void inside me that's really craves intimacy 💯

[@prettyprincesslexi]

I need this explained in friendships because I'm only like this with friends

[@beccastroh8852]

I’m an avoidant I’m only like this in relationships. I put my friends over my relationships.

[@queenwarrior281]

i am anxious in relay but avoidant to everyone else

[@Andrew-gs2ps]

@@beccastroh8852how to stay single forever

[@anthony-julian]

This really helped. Scary how accurate this is.

[@giveupndie4559]

I have serious issues and i’ve hurt someone because i’m messed up in the head, having this problem sucks man it’s so hard

[@SirenASMR_]

Solution is don’t date anyone or get into friendships. Go to therapy and work on yourself and stop hurting other people. Really there is no excuse anymore

[@giveupndie4559]

@@SirenASMR_ as if you have context...

[@shreenjandutta]

​@@SirenASMR_exactly 💯💯💯 Very very true

[@ummMaryam1]

I'm so grateful for this content. Thanks tons ❤

[@kdaveeffect]

"I'm only cool in 15 minute doses" -Me, am avoidant

[@friendlyneighborhoodspider3962]

My gf is avoidant attachment and she has said she loves me. She’s fallen very hard for me and we had plans of a future with kids. She’s really committed but recently we’ve been having a very rocky relationships and we’re in the stage of recovering. Which can vary from day to day and some days are harder than others. But in the end, I know she truly really loves me more than anyone else I’ve ever known.

[@SirenASMR_]

Run now . She’s going to keep playing this yo-yo with you and end up abusing your children

[@pigpapa9349]

Man this sounds like the situation I’m in right now except I have the avoidant attatchmebt. My stomach is sinking.. how have you guys been doing if you don’t mind me asking ?

[@luxeyjames5283]

Run

[@pantegohummus8215]

Run.

[@sarpoztugran569]

Run

[@patrickennis4612]

Omg, I have got to get my shit together and kick my DA partner to the curb.... UPDATE: Got the message from you loud and clear, broke up with my DA gf 4 days ago. Nothing heard, but that's fine with me. I'm working thru the grief. The way she treated me was NOT my fault, accepting that treatment was. Never let them tell you that it's your fault, you're too needy, what's the rush, blah blah blah..... UPDATE: 10+ weeks since I walked away from my DA. Nothing heard, continue to work with a counselor... have 2 wonderful, healthy women pursuing me in balanced, loving relationships. It IS possible to move on and find a partner that will receive AND return your love! Stay strong , do the work, and all will be alright!

[@SirenASMR_]

Good for you ! I am not dumping my Avoidant attachment guy … I am just going to ghost him back the way he ghosted me. F them thinking they can treat me like this ? I am not disposable. They can sit alone in their room and work on their issues

[@patrickennis4612]

@Syren ASMR DA are pro's at this behavior, they have a lifetime of experience, besides their trauma shields them from feeling the pain of your absence.... in fact, they find it comforting. I wish you luck getting some back, they deserve a bit of what they give us. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Treating then with indifference is the best weapon to your recovery.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

You have two women pursuing you in a "healthy way" What does that even mean? How do you have 2 relationships at the same time? Player?

[@celeste4098]

Well you dumped her ans still expect her to go after you, you are really narcisist.

[@Andrew-gs2ps]

@@rupertperiwinkle4477not saying i love you, not smothering them, coexisting life’s separated , it’s also easier to not give your masculinity up too much to one if you have another you can go too if you need love. This is the way Women are making us operate because of the inability to be consistent with their behavior over any long period of time. It’s a honey moon phase then as soon as they have “got you” it’s disinterest and a spiral till eventually it’s done. Or be lucky enough that she emotionally loves you but is tired of you physically. That’s where i am now and i am done with it. I’m about to break this thing off before too long I’m on my last straw and I’ve made it known to her. The truth is people and particularly females love the game. They love to picture a man above them. They want to be in a submissive place but they also want to knock u out of that dominant place so another challenger can take over. This is it on a biological level it seems and i don’t wanna play the game. I’ll play a different game. No more commitment for us. Y’all have done this.

[@murphy81775]

Omg. This is like having a mirror held up to myself. Holy crap.

[@cm-yu6gu]

Thankyou so much for this video. This describes my mother so well. She passed away over 5 years ago from alcohol addiction. I'm now learning about personality disorders and trying to better unpack and understand my experiences and her and I strongly suspect she had AvPD. I miss her so much. This video was just like her and is giving me some framework in helping me understand her way more. Thank you. Please keep sharing your experiences. It's helping others ❤

[@marie-stellamakoumbou2709]

Do you have any videos about steps to take or advice to start healing? This so accurately describes me 👀

[@c.uni2370]

Hahaha I work 2 jobs just to stay busy to be thinking bout catching feelings

[@nathalienarbonne5174]

Omg yes! That is sooo me. Damn it, doesn’t sound good when you put it all together like that 😮

[@Sarafara7]

It isn’t lol. Check out personal development school on KZbin! She talks about because more secure

[@Badmomsclub]

My boyfriend of 3.5 years is exactly like that! 😢. I’m a FA and am now doing the work to heal my own wounds. I’ve been talking to him about that and he seems receptive to it so far. I’m definitely NOT pushing this on him but he does like hearing me talk about it. My hope is that WE can heal and grow together! He’s such an amazing man and so wonderful to me. ❤❤❤❤

[@Smoking_Lofi]

Take it slow with him. I smothered mine (we were together over 2 years) and she left. I hope she comes back. She is my whole world still unfortunately, my true north.

[@kassyg3897]

I feel personally attacked LMAO

[@Donnydarco100]

Go to therapy now.

[@idegafa]

Wow. I hate how accurate this is. Damn.

[@alinafarishta2475]

Can you do disorganised attachment style ?

[@yknowwhatcrys4791]

Really accurate video, thanks for sharing!

[@shortfusedynamite5166]

Going to start giving new people that I date the attachment style quiz and if anything a voidant or disorganized comes up I am running. They aren't bad people but they definitely aren't good for you. As much as you think you can help them and make them feel what love actually is they won't accept it the right way you are better off with somebody different

[@mikyl-fo8rh]

But no problem sleeping around.

[@queenwarrior281]

gangbang, wife swapping, using wife for biz deals n everything else.. they are psycopath

[@anthonyrossiter1374]

that's not an attachment style, that's just being a pos.

[@amyfromcali9051]

@mikyl-fo8rh - because it keeps things shallow and superficial- just the way they like it

[@inbetweendreamsteresaalves]

This explains so much!! Thank u

[@emperorlelouch5696]

Damn. This is real when I've been hurt before and I'm trying to avoid things. It fluctuates through whenever I'm more into looking for someone to be with or not.

[@basicinfo1640]

I dated an avoidant and it annoys me that an avoidant would say something like ‘I can’t rely on anyone but myself…’ like pushing other people away so far just makes em break. Also the irony of that…an avoidant person isn’t the most relatable in a relationship themselves. In other aspects of life people like this are great. It’s just the love kinda sucks, especially for people who aren’t avoidant

[@eliannahankin2971]

What’s been helping me with anxiety of avoidant attachment is becoming a mother. Babies are innocent and don’t ask for too much. My husband is anxious attachment so we have to work really hard on our marriage. His mom had diagnosed OCD so his childhood was difficult. We are both improving.

[@Joeyouwont]

Damn this is spot tf on

[@TimMillernapavalleyfilmworks]

Just got dumped by a Dismissive Avoidant. This is so true!!! Run while you can, don’t encourage this behavior.

[@moulee7448]

So so so accurate

[@florianlion8215]

Yes 🙌 literally described my life..

[@vinalini234]

OMG. So so relatable!!!!

[@Somebodysomewheresometime]

Ok get out of my head now lol

[@aliasoner5747]

I didn’t know about this attachment style until after my avoidant girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years of seriously confusing me, never really knowing how she felt. I really thought she loved me, we had a great thing, but I’d still lay awake some nights wondering how she really felt. It’s so difficult. Regardless things seemed like they were going well, we decided to have a chat about our feelings recently and I asked her about the future and the possibility of getting our own place and boom, out of no where she’s gone. And it seemed like nothing to her, she doesn’t even seem affected by the break up. Oh and I don’t think I ever got a good morning. 😢

[@OxysLokiMoros]

To be in relationship with an avoidant partner is torture. They just don't care about your feelings and will always hurt you. Leave to relationship as soon as possible, they don't change. They will never be a loving partner for you, even if they love bomb you in the beginning.

[@kristinej.4182]

Spot on!

[@ethelpeanut4364]

One foot out the door😩 yep!!! Ding, ding, ding

[@RachelSings21]

Can you turn into an avoidant?? I feel a really shitty divorce has turned me into EXACTLY THIS!!! 😅 I was never this before 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@justanothera7xfan]

I suppose it it's possible from a long relationship, but generally attachment is formed from our earliest (and usually longest) model of relationships, our parents.

[@ppmbunla7472]

It's from our earliest relationship with our caregiver. I don't think it can change easily, it's like something permanent inside you.

[@0-_-00-_-0]

Avoidants: STOP HURTING PEOPLE. BE ALONE until you change yourself.

[@kjdaniels3267]

Yeah wow I do feel called out by this. I have been doing some healing work with going to therapy and building self-compassion for myself. Still a long way to go though. I’m recovering DA

[@georgeelder8415]

It's not your fault... When you know your attachment type, and don't show up and do the work, time to leave...

[@umchileanywaysso]

But like what's the work to be done doe

[@FearlessLeis]

This is so totally foreign to me. I lean more on the anxious attachment side, trying to learn the secure attachment. But I am trying to understand those who struggle with this... part of me wishes I was this way... it would be nice to be super independent to this degree... unless its truly miserable? It sounds very miserable and deff seems to be to those who were deeply deeply let down... where the anxious attached seemed to have some stability and some non stability but looks like avoidanta dealt with zero stabiloty? Is this accurate?

[@catypurry123]

Great. Another thing that I probably will have to fix

[@pigpapa9349]

This is currently my mood.. hang in there..

[@user-yf1mv5ji3e]

Being aware that I am an avoidantvat least helps me to be aware when I'm sabotaging.

[@indridcold8433]

There is nothing wrong with this. I take it a bit further and have no friends, no girlfriend, no aquaintences. There is nothing wrong with having nobody in our lives. It is actually beneficial. Being social accomplishes nothing. Being away from being social accomplishes many beneficial things.

[@Smoking_Lofi]

This is just unhealthy

[@indridcold8433]

@@Smoking_Lofi For those that can not exist without the approval of the social herd, that can not function on their own, that follow the crowd like wildebeest following the rest of the herd, it is very unhealthy for them to exist in solitary. They may even die. But for those that require no approval from others, that can function on their own, that are individuals with no reason to follow the herd, it is very healthy. Do not forget that all addictions are all sourced in social pressures. Most would not even try the disease causing substances that they use if it were not for the uncontrollable desire to fit into a social herd. All wars are fought by social people enforcing their wills over others. Every single deadly pandemic ever has been caused by people herding up like lemmings. For me, social isolation is not only harmless, it is extremely healthy. I am far more fit than anybody my age, even half my age. I also have way more disposable income due to not wasting money on garbage addictions. I will never go back to being social. I have gained too much.

[@user-rx7uh9mg4f]

Don’t be surprised if you die alone then. My father is avoidant and pushed EVERYONE out his life. He would ignore phone calls and not open the door when we knocked. You reap what you sow.

[@thomaspt8687]

Perfectly described my life. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@martina6700]

It's so scary that this feels too real for me... I may be realising through a KZbin video that I have this problem.

[@BlueBlue23]

He is just like that... WMI...if you are watching, i miss you😢

[@kt864]

Avoidance is so toxic... This are behaviors to examine not marinate in.

[@nightknight6947]

Thank you for this you remind me of my Irish girl but she had a healthy relationship with her feelings and folks and I miss her but I disorganized attached all over her b/c I crash anything I care about into a wall 🎉

[@KandiNicoleARISE]

So much of this reminded me of myself 😢 huh

[@Dedemorris7948]

Wow.. I have said or thought every bit of this. How do I stop?

[@Justyna-dg4hs]

My avoidant doesn't fucking message me 2 weeks then arranges meeting and spends hour with me acting like we s couple

[@DanielaRosenrot]

Tell him what you dont like about that behaviour AND how it makes you feel - ignored, not imporant, abandoned, rejected, ... Look online for verbs of feelings to understand your feelings better.

[@mikegarrens5286]

Sounds like a dismissive avoidant. A fearful avoiding sounds different. Almost reverse. But then the brakes go on!!!

[@bbli-bq5xj]

My heart is broken because of an avoidant and what hurts me more is that this is my parents fault...

[@suhuakai]

where's part 2?

[@AprilSunshine]

Lol this is perfect😂

[@soultra1189]

Really good