Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs

From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.

[@CasusCantare]

“Moving on to happier news, Two snitches were beaten to death”

[@TyroneBiggums789]

lmao the onion is the only source of news I trust

[@spongesomeone]

Nice pfp

[@kryptickollector1771]

😆😄😂

[@setalight7290]

@@TyroneBiggums789you onow what they say, "snitches go in ditches"

[@PineappleHazeExpress]

.. best news in a while.

[@godsavant]

How does the Onion find these actors that can keep a straight face this long?

[@jamesblack8208]

Seriously, these actors can give Leslie Nielsen a run for his money.

[@iandhr1]

I am sure it took multiple takes.

[@lukessummerguitar]

The actor playing 'Big Dap Ramirez' also played 'Vernon Holley' ( Homicide Detective ) from "The Wire"

[@Jefff72]

Well I'm sure these are all aspiring actors who are looking for a break and it probably took multiple takes.

[@TheOtherOne122]

godsavant how hard is it to believe that this is just real news?

[@rustyshackleford1908]

"Now, it's obviously a boom time for cigarettes-" "I am getting a lot of hand jobs."

[@Shiestey]

He said it so casually too LMFAO

[@YourFriendlyOfficeAssistant]

I mean they could make them credits for handjobs so if you buy one, you can sell it to someone else. That would make them transferrable liquid assets which could help.

[@Chazu_Kire]

"All i can say is monitor your asses carefully"

[@RDKelly12]

The way Hal says, "how's it going big dap" is honest to God one of the best-delivered lines in the history of acting

[@HDZ274]

Its one of the most underrated parts of the whole video.

[@user-xr4cb3pw8k]

Big cap was great on "THE WIRE" played Cheese.

[@TheSamLegacy]

@@user-xr4cb3pw8k Big Dap played Detective Vern. Method Man played Cheese.

[@user-xr4cb3pw8k]

A great show. Don't make like that anymore.

[@user-xr4cb3pw8k]

My mistake.

[@afromoose2536]

“I M G E T T I N G A L O T O F H A N D J O B S”

[@karlmuller3690]

AfroMoose 253 - And I, for one, am very happy for you!!

[@bradameerbeg2154]

I’m not getting enough....

[@karlmuller3690]

@@bradameerbeg2154 - If you "can't afford the going market rate then, you're plum out of the market then aren't you, MATE"? LOL

[@angelgracia6308]

I came looking for this comment, thank you

[@bigdapramirez6157]

"I've been getting a lot of handjobs"

[@bigdapramirez6157]

I don't know about these other inmates, but personally, I've been cashing out

[@grrumakemeangry]

lmao

[@bigboi4307]

Just remember to monitor your assets carefully

[@mohamedabdourahman9845]

Hows it going Big Dap?

[@bigdapramirez6157]

@@mohamedabdourahman9845 not so good. still healing from that bitch Jango and his deathshank toothbrush. It's a slow process.

[@Ryfried]

@@bigdapramirez6157 man, im something of a cigarette investor myself, are you looking for an investor Big Dap Ramirez?

[@quqiwiwiuqiqiqiq8150]

This is ridiculous. We need an controlled economy so that a pack of cigarettes never exceeds 1.5 HJs again.

[@spoodahmann1768]

@joebiden

[@bdsmgaming3627]

💀💀 "1.5" Poor guy has to do it himself now

[@addambelmont3050]

What even is a ".5" HJ?

[@jimmilton6644]

@@addambelmont3050 half a hand job

[@maxm5382]

@@addambelmont3050 At current market rates it’s worth about two triple A batteries and a half-used bar of soap.

[@anthonyemerson2965]

The jokes-per-minute ratio of this video is insane. The ticker, the graphics, you almost have to watch it three times to catch everything.

[@fredoberg]

I'm on my 300th viewing and still finding new things 😆

[@ChristopherWallbank-di9hj]

​@@fredobergthat's what life is about, always finding new things

[@ChristopherWallbank-di9hj]

​@@fredobergdid you find the mention of you gotta be careful of your ass sets

[@Just_Some_Guy_with_a_Mustache]

Shoutout to all the people coming here to cram for their Prison Economics Finals!

[@thelvadam2375]

Just Some Guy with a Mustache you are everywhere and Fuck mayo!

[@DireAvenger001]

“Trickled down” prison economics

[@limeyfigdet7460]

Unfortunately, I'm actually just procrastinating on my geometry.

[@drakoinx]

Man if i was back i school id totally write a sarcastic paper on this for economics. Make the profs day haha

[@MrGksarathy]

Here too?! You really are everywhere!

[@Nihilnovus]

Hold up I thought a beef jerky and a hand job were the same thing

[@adriangroenewald3825]

😶

[@MadnanTheArcher]

oh i get it XD nice one

[@wazahhdaswozahh6588]

*walks up to the cashier* I’d like one of these famous handjobs, please

[@stephenmiller9009]

Bruh

[@carrapaz3645]

English is not my first language, can someone please explain it to me?

[@tombaron5607]

How do onion writers pin down prison slang so accurately. Amazing

[@answerman9933]

I am sure the writers do not want you to know.

[@AnastasiaBeaverhousn]

Know what? He didn't ask a question, he made a rhetorical statement.🙄​@@answerman9933

[@leandrog2785]

How do you know what's accurate?

[@HOTD108_]

​@@leandrog2785Meet me in the prison courtyard in an hour and I'll tell you.

[@cartertheunstoppablefaxmac902]

Look at a photo of Herman T. Zweibel and tell me those aren't the eyes of a man who's done hard time

[@emberman535]

"I fucked him up in the library, but that's how the market's gonna be for a while." 🤷🏿‍♂

[@MrFitByFifty]

"It is."

[@patchipatchi1]

*lie-bary

[@user-tc9sk4ei9y]

Surprisingly accurate depiction of a market trade mechanism

[@michaelzhang7098]

I trust The Onion. It’s this not non-biased news source that doesn’t try to instill fear, they give us the facts and only the facts.

[@trequor]

"Real" news has become such a parody of itself that The Onion is no longer a parody of it. The Onion is parody of the way news USED to be presented.

[@rvh1702]

😆

[@seancampo1079]

not non biased?

[@SJ-Equipment]

They don't instill fear? Are you kidding? How about all of us that have our money invested in hand jobs?

[@patrickscheeks8769]

This video gave me fear

[@justrandomthings319]

"Moving on to some happier news in Atlanta today, two snitches were beaten to death". LMFAO. I'm dying over here.

[@DavidLee-id3lf]

why you a snitch?

[@Vitrous]

"I ain't no snitch!"

[@captratbeard]

Onion; A slock always trades for a stick and a muff bag no matter what the cigarette market is doing! The two things are the same thing, it’s just a sock with something in it? Otherwise, best video on youface hands down.

[@Tappettava]

Pure gold! I haven't laughed out loud on KZbin like this in a long time.

[@patientestant]

I wish other news stations would be more positive and upbeat like the onion.

[@lovekirbysomuch]

The best line delivery is : “How’s it going, Big Dap?”. Priceless

[@zeeblock22]

This is what prison would be like if Wall Street actually had to answer to the courts

[@deidryt9944]

...do you mean the yard crew on the basketball courts?

[@NASkeywest]

"Study shows that innocent black men are now 30% less likely to go to prison than guilty black men."

[@jonyprepperisrael60]

and that some dude smuggled heroin inside of a weed brick

[@triciah477]

@@ryry9038 You wholly, and boastfully, missed the kernel of the original comment! Bahaha!!! Thanks for the additional laughs!

[@cvspvr]

"every sixty seconds in africa, a minute passes"

[@uhhPowers]

@@cvspvr read it again

[@cvspvr]

@@uhhPowers war, huh, yeah, what is it good for, absolutely nothing, read it again, y'all

[@concretenurturedrose4169]

"How nervous are investors? its hard to tell since most of them have trained themselves to never show fear"😂😂 their writers are so good. Hilarious

[@ryanjung4416]

How do they come up with this shit

[@angelwild9145]

Hahaa! I used to read the Onion’s PAPER that was free in my city many moons ago... I love the fact that modern technology has made it possible for us to watch real acted sketches on our phones/computers! I LOVE THEIR twisted sense of humor! The Onion Rocks!! Never stop making genius comedic parodies for sick people like me, PLEASE!!! 😆✌️👍😂🎉😁🤣

[@kimgkomg]

"Naked women picture acquisition"

[@bensoncheung2801]

@@angelwild9145 69 👍

[@internetgodlilbihh]

@@ryanjung4416 sense, would say common sense but that's not true

[@melancholytunes]

I always found economics tough to grasp, this piece too flew over my head.

[@stirfryjedi]

But do you know what isn't tough to grasp?

[@itcaboi1707]

@@stirfryjedi this DICK

[@diodora2381]

​@@stirfryjedia big stick of beef jerky

[@NotDuncan]

Looking back at this I can’t believe it used to be so cheap, prison economy has gotten insane. I’m not proud what Big Dap had me do for that carton of smokes

[@user-vm1qr5cv9i]

Oh shit, a CARTON? If 1 pack is 2 handjobs I don't even wanna know what you did for a carton

[@ulusalani]

For a carton?? Haha :-) I can imagine.

[@snowdaysrule]

"How nervous are investors?" "Well it's hard to tell since most of them have trained themselves to never show fear." LMAO

[@taffyadam6031]

snowdaysrule2 R O F L! I am litrally shakin RN LOL LMAO XD MY DUDE HAHA UP TOP MY RAD TUBULAR FELLOW

[@maxiepattie85]

that the one right there! OHH SHIT!

[@NJ-wb1cz]

Does this mean that investors invest handjobs? Which are then stored as cigarettes and returned to investors in the form of more handjobs over time?

[@NJ-wb1cz]

This economy sounds like a giant circlejerk to me 🤔

[@moogobIin]

Taffy Adam bruh shut the fuck up

[@_MrMoney]

To be honest, Big Dap sounds more credible when talking market than actual economists

[@tvela595]

It’s the post-nut clarity from all those handies taking effect

[@jackwisniewski3859]

Dude I think you are confusing actual economists from politicians and pundits. Actual economists are credible, pundits, commentators and politicians have reasons to conceal the truth.

[@bigdapramirez6157]

I am

[@charaznable8072]

Shut up dummy

[@robc4191]

Wasn't Big Dap a detective on The Wire?

[@capnjackYT]

This segment is so good it takes 3-4 watches to appreciate everything😭😭😭

[@cookiemonsta3350]

I.have seen it at least once a year and I still get caught off guard.

[@ryans6280]

The tickers at the bottom 😂

[@gonufc]

Even all these years after I first saw this the stand out line is still- "They have trained themselves not to show fear but they do appear nervous".

[@SamSam-wx4rf]

I am damn glad I gave up smoking! I'm getting a bit old and my wrist just wouldn't take it

[@maryagee7759]

Pfft. Quitter.

[@SamSam-wx4rf]

@bandr I'll leave that to you heavy smokers

[@Eren-he5dt]

hahahahah nice joke, to guys didnt get, think about "wrist" and 2 handjobs.

[@waichungsham1578]

Better start trading gummies then

[@avelociraptorfromjurassicp8695]

Waichung Sham what would I get for 5 flinstone gummies get

[@jaykdub926]

If the news was actually like this I might actually watch it

[@danielsanders4521]

James Walton it's getting there, especially American and EU sponsored media. You should be an avid watcher of the news by now.

[@sekirosshadow9319]

4 years later..... u must be addicted to news by now

[@xtrachromosome4199]

This is literally Wall Street in nutshell

[@uhuihiuihiuh3042]

American news ain't shit. I saw two soldiers blindfolded and tied up get smashed to death with a sledge hammer on Mexican news. A cartel sent them the video and told them they would attack the news office if they didn't play it, so they played it. Never a dull moment there.

[@wesleydillon513]

This is fake yea? If it’s not I’ll just gouge my eyes out over there lol

[@11C1P]

As a former CO, I find this extra hilarious.

[@timberwolfdtproductions3890]

Yet another example of The Onion’s unparalleled dedication to quality journalism. I can always count on The Onion to cover the issues that really matter.

[@_nezim.s6357]

...Supply will normalize ! Monitor your assets carefully !!

[@Unmedicated_Moments]

_Nezim. S I lol'd

[@ceej2198]

Monitor your *ASS*ets carefully.

[@duanerackham9567]

Words to live by

[@ztotheu2974]

"I fucked him up bad in the li-barry"

[@spaceclaw1958]

@@ztotheu2974 After fucking up his "bitch", Bi-Larry.

[@Brian-kc6kg]

This news is very alarming. Stay safe Big Dap. The market truly is unpredictable in these trying times.

[@bigdapramirez6157]

I will, don't you worry. I'd worry more about your own assets. Monitor your assets carefully...

[@OkachaWasTaken]

Quarentine fucked up big dap's business i hope his business recovers after this pandemic

[@rebeccav4659]

🤣😂🤣

[@Cheems856]

@@bigdapramirez6157 sheer dedication and will

[@maazkalim]

Is that supposed to be an exaggeration?

[@wakantanka802]

It's 2 hand jobs in Australia, and that's not even in prison...Pack of 30's average around $40+ US dollars, big Dap should immigrate..

[@ulusalani]

Well, if Big Dap's running a major cigarette distribution center in prison, chances are he's a felon -- which means he has zero chance of ever getting a US passport.

[@Truckerdaddy]

Man I was a correctional officer for 7yrs and this shit was funny as hell.

[@PurposelessRabbitholes]

The way he says “How’s it going, Big Dap?” fucking kills me 1:20

[@Etorate_]

Like he has a past with him lmao

[@Hovito08]

@@Etorate_ I mean he would know him pretty well since he's the prison economic expert or whatever 😂😂

[@bigdapramirez6157]

@@Etorate_ he does

[@chileanguyfleegman1908]

That's the line that made me lose it.

[@michaeltribbet9213]

It’s the irony that he is talking to a savage prison gang member the same way he would talk to a familiar guest contributor on the news

[@LindsayW138]

I know a guy who used to host a heavy metal radio show during college in a town which had a medium security men's prison. He would often get phone calls to the show that would say something like "You have a collect call from: PLAY CANNIBAL CORPSE!... An inmate at Hill Correctional Center, to accept charges, press 1--" The inmates would call in song requests by saying their request instead of their name, so the radio station wouldn't need a prison phone call payment account to get the message.

[@user-et9od6vy1y]

Absolutely love this. Most places they have a pre-recorded name for the account and you can't do that. Always been a thought. Easy way to get a message across without paying if it still did work

[@Corn0nTheCobb]

lol That's clever

[@gutsthe100manslayer4]

Got a family member doing time, this still works in some places. He'll call in and tell us how he's doing, to say hello, stuff like that instead of saying his name. It saves a lot of money over time.

[@savnetsinn_original]

Sounds like they saw that classic Geico commercial starring Bob Wehadababyitsaboy.

[@professionalfangster1510]

That's nice. A treat for the inmates.

[@MadeForNothing.]

At this rate a pack of cigarettes is gonna cost 2 sloppy toppies with a twist! What has this economy come to.

[@Jamhael1]

Hey, it could be worse - there were jails in other countries which the cost was an intimate visit with your wife... Dark times, man..

[@magnustoth8506]

I’m amazed at the care that went in to delivering their lines so perfectly.

[@CitizenRPG]

"Hows it going big Dap" I lol'd

[@ICantSplel]

Same for like 5 minutes. The straight face kills me 😅

[@JerryTheCarry420]

I lost.

[@dominioeffect1955]

"Am getting alot of handjobs"

[@DMS_Knighted_Drifter]

1:25

[@neilsharpson996]

Best line and it's all in tge delivery.

[@Sh4dowbanned]

*Clicks on the video* *Dad opens door* Intro: The price of ciggaretes have gone up to 2 hand jobs and 1 beef jerkey! *Dad shuts door*

[@thecanucklehead3034]

M.B probably laughed his ass pff in the other room

[@Thundarr995]

If my dad was alive. I know for a fact he'd be laughing his ass off.

[@eliper4823]

Tom Caffrey way to turn a joke dark

[@pds2232]

@@Thundarr995😀 Yeah, Dad's with a sense of humor are great, Sorry for your loss..but you just proved He's not too far away.

[@indianlandconstruction3528]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@thefierypaladin126]

“The market should stabilize and we’ll see cigarettes return to one hand job or less” Well that aged poorly.

[@cheesyboi8599]

Yeah legit had to blow a guy for just one cig

[@rum-ham]

So how many hand jobs does a smoke cost you nowadays?

[@TheDennys21]

How much is it now? 3 handjobs, 4? A blowjob even?

[@mediocreman2]

Why?

[@dylan8443]

​@@mediocreman2i had to start giving blowjobs just to afford a cigarette.

[@bmo14lax]

Pill Traders report Rimjob Trading: "Surprisingly active"

[@epoole1]

I'm sorry to say that a decade later, due to the new restrictions on smoking, the price of cigarettes has skyrocketed to 5 handjobs and 3 beef jerky. We may be closing in on an economic crash, maybe the worst we've seen since the Prison Market Crash of 1926.

[@synckar6380]

Evan Poole Holders are loosing face in such inflation, tensions rise. There may be new kings of jail as Lil Daps, a newcomer from last year, comes into play.

[@Alchemeri]

I hoarded aromatic soaps, they called me a dumbass, a sissy and all, but with so many handjobs going around, my penis is getting sore, and I've never eaten so many damn beef jerkies

[@carbon5362]

Lube is now literally worth its price in gold($1,800 per oz).

[@alcarbo8613]

My God any higher and we’re talking Blow Jobs territory a shame weed hasn’t stabilized the market as many hoped, turns out it wasn’t good to be high in a place people are constantly trying to rape you

[@thoughtexperimentsotherstu4680]

@@knova7597 nothing could be worse than 2015 Australia dependence cash, where cigarettes rose to 2 blow jobs and a hand job. some traders hung thems selves that day

[@maxmg2227]

"How is it going Big Dap?" How did he kept that face straight 😂

[@communistpropagandist4608]

That's why they cut away so quickly.

[@bigdapramirez6157]

It wasn't easy

[@jonnyincomox]

I would pay more then two hand jobs to get more of this to watch.

[@Shane661]

I've got the complete collection. Hit me up.

[@goofballbiscuits3647]

It's unsurprising that rectal smuggling has the highest consistency. It's the "you can always buy gold" of correctional economics. It's an unwavering technique in an ocean of hypothesis and failure.

[@arekay6014]

True, always tuck it under your eyebrow when you go in.

[@jt4369]

I'm a lawyer in California. Before I got my license, this clip was definitely one of my favorites. But I can tell you, after talking to criminal defendants and spending time with them "on the inside", this clip is as spooky as it is funny. In my client's case, ramen and bags of chips are the main medium of exchange.

[@Ethan.s..]

Cigarettes were king before they got outlawed.

[@sebastienh1100]

What about rimjob?

[@markofsaltburn]

@@sebastienh1100 😀😀😀

[@veryfrozen3271]

@@Ethan.s.. they still gold the ban just made them more rare and expensive. its extreamly easy to get drugs in jail since alchol is easily made from sugar and fruit, and the pharmacy gives away pills.

[@KINKYmustache]

That can be said about most onion News videos.

[@Krystalmyth]

Wish the Onion didn't blow their whole budget during the Bush admin.

[@UnordinaryCarl]

Nice name Krystal Meth

[@colonel1003]

@4150 subscribers with coronavirus Reddit tier name that tries to sound something not wholesome 100.

[@UnordinaryCarl]

@@colonel1003 ? reddit my ass

[@colonel1003]

epic based ironic cringe

[@UnordinaryCarl]

@@colonel1003 ah you are also active randomly, let's watch videos while either we randomly choose to become swole like Etika or become a kinda gragas like reckful

[@trolly4233]

this is the best introduction to how the market works

[@thikrataha2811]

The onion was truly legendary. Come on... revive yo'seeeeelf!

[@TheMonist_]

Did anyone see that small line that read, “3 condoms of clean piss”

[@rokassan]

Glenn Vitale I did...and I laughed hard.😂😂😂😂

[@JustinDufrene]

Glenn Vitale I saw that lol died

[@troyboody9985]

How do you offset the cost of smokes?

[@ses694]

we are the sons of winter and stars

[@Mario_1611]

Maybe to pass drug tests. Guys sometimes buy piss for that reason.

[@yusefsmith8623]

“Supply will normalize, and we’ll see cigarettes return to a single hand job or less...”

[@cadenr06]

CarlosChip Morales I’d guess about 4

[@shaynehughes6645]

@CarlosChip Morales you got a steal, most people would charge 6

[@shaynehughes6645]

@CarlosChip Morales 😲😖😍

[@Gadavillers-Panoir]

If 1 cig costs say 0.99 handjobs, you've got to stop just before he comes.

[@TroIIingThemSoftly]

"But hey, that's the way the market's going to be for a while." 😂😂

[@williammielenz3752]

Toothless BJ's will always Fetch a premium price.

[@brendanburgess2071]

*gets stabbed Me: This is just the way the market is going to be for a while.

[@banann_ducc]

*gesturing to knife embedded in gut Me: are you gonna want this back? Actual knives go for a lot these days.

[@amateur-madman3047]

*sees a guy get jumped and stabbed for his last pack of cigs “Stocks must be down this week”

[@lordpumpkinhead265]

As long as the blade didn't break off inside your gut, you could pull it out and use cleaned bed sheet bandages to patch the stab wound, but clean sheet bandages are a very rare commodity. I suggest as a professional prison moonshine maker to keep your cigarettes in the deeper parts of your prison pocket, but that's just me, as I can easily make 10-15 packs a week, and I can get up to 30 if the ingredients the guards get me are high-quality and we get a fresh batch of new inmates, who are oblivious to the economy.

[@Ghoulicus]

He fucked him up good in the library though, so the market will recover

[@upland77]

This was recommended after the coronavirus destroyed the stock market!

[@loganyashchyshyn9065]

😂😂😂😂yup

[@perculated7666]

No doubt lol people be taking this too serious imo..

[@robertomoreno3274]

Toilet paper prices raises to 3 Hand jobs🤣

[@bendrankin2290]

Jay Grows Not really idiot.

[@smokingnothinbutgood7921]

Big dap my boy he got my investments right!

[@TM-tw1py]

Inflation is affecting us all!

[@fr3kman37]

Moving on to some happier news, *Two snitches were B E A T E N T O D E A T H*

[@iceeeyy3557]

"a single hand job OR LESS" I don't know how the "or less" part works

[@sebastienh1100]

Two fingers :)

[@vyl4650]

@@sebastienh1100 probably from Chicken claw Jonny. He lost three fingers on his right hand to an alligator he smuggled. Now he only has a thumb and his middle finger left. I heard someone refer to them as "magical"

[@x-fun3149]

premature ejaculation

[@beypazarbagmls6791]

Well, that means you can get more than one with one handjob. It's the common sense, duh.

[@Extys]

3 cigarettes for 2 hand jobs?

[@Captain_Wet_Beard]

With how many Americans are in prison, I'm surprised these types of stories arent on mainstream media. Prisoners are a major demographic here

[@crakdjdj]

There arent that many

[@811chelseafc]

Viper what about the ever growing population of gay Islamic ex-convicts?

[@TrevoltIV]

@Viper yeah because only like 0.5% of people are gay

[@huntermcintosh8173]

@Viper Yeah and felons can't vote so no point in appealing to them.

[@TrevoltIV]

@Viper yep for real, barely anyone is actually gay (not including bisexual females since those are kinda common)

[@johnkidwell4866]

Good to see you big Dap

[@mikepagebrand]

The timing of this showing up in my recommendations is perfect

[@deadmanzghost8018]

Same

[@Jefff72]

"I'm getting a lot of hand jobs." lmao

[@mattcunningham9235]

Liar

[@the1exnay]

Only problem is you can't resell a handjob

[@janakakumara3836]

giving yourself a hand job, does not count.

[@the1exnay]

Janaka Goonasekera How else is someone supposed to produce a handjob they can sell to buy cigarettes?

[@DMS_Knighted_Drifter]

1:25

[@Robertoni7]

Always have to watch twice to read the bottom scroll. One favorite: “Steady job is the only thing keeping Oregon State prison guard out of prison” BWaahaa

[@DiegoTheRebel]

The Onion still makes more sense than anything on the news right now.

[@ajm21582]

That actor for Big Dap played a detective on The Wire lmao

[@redtheftauto]

THANK YOU Could not place him but he seemed very familiar.

[@elephant_888]

These guys sound more legit than newscasters in 2018.

[@salj.5459]

Better than FOX News

[@grimmc5706]

Efosa Oyegun I know fox fake vox fake cnn fake who to trust

[@xl000]

@@grimmc5706 The two anchors from Today Now sounds legiter than any Fox News anchor I know, incl. Doocey, Hegseth or Kilmeade.

[@smzig]

The headlines scrolling along the bottom are hilarious. "North Idaho Correctional Institution fined after tests find dog meat in the horse-loaf"

[@Milkbutter]

"Heroin found inside of marijuana brick"

[@the_once-and-future_king.]

Ironically, those prisoners are more trustworthy than actual Wall Street types!

[@mariammekhaeil8233]

It's incredible that this was 13 years ago

[@jerry1dc]

Deadpan is my absolute favorite comedic style. Love the onion

[@laya8880]

Their titles always have me laughing before the video even starts. 👌quality sattire

[@pride6438]

the “i am getting a lot of hand jobs” while Big Dap is getting talked over killed me

[@magnustoth8506]

Most perfectly executed bit of comedy I have ever seen.

[@JulesBrunoJjBaggy]

Imagine where this is at now with current inflation 🤯

[@retrozip]

Two BJ'S and 3 sticks of jerky

[@Linkman81]

I know this came out 8 years ago, but my friend Jon and I still quote this video to this day. The two most used quotes are from Big Dab... "fucked him up good in the libary" describing someone getting beat up, and "that's the way the market is gonna be for a while" describing a bothersome situation that will eventually resolve itself. good stuff. It's weird how certain quotes stick with you and your friends.

[@xxxtentacles1656]

Brian Evans u have a playslist that says mine but has someone else’s video in it of Jesús

[@teds4983]

Supply will normalize, may go back down to 1 hand job

[@meh2385]

haha, wish i had someone to quote ancient onion news clips with

[@jonwhite8815]

Those quotes stuck with me too! I think it's cus his delivery is stellar.

[@threeminuteshate]

With all due respect, he said “li-berry” not “brary”

[@weissallessagtnix]

I am from germany and have never seen something like this intelligent, hilarious here. Thx Onion.

[@whispersmith]

They have 20+ years of awesome stuff

[@aloedg8058]

Its shit now but the decade old stuff is amazing

[@josefehling1134]

From Germany to and the Positlion got some amazing stuff

[@StrawberryLegacy]

Postillion, Heute Show...

[@josefehling1134]

@@StrawberryLegacy heute Show is more like bad version of daily show (Wich is more satirical commentary then real satire)

[@christinacerda4196]

"It's obviously a boom time for cigarettes right now" "I am getting a lot of hand jobs!" Times are tough! God help you if you're a chain smoker in prison! 😭

[@Fermion.]

Chain smokers bout to have some strong ass wrists

[@catinthepeng2686]

... this is so relevant in 2022.

[@onion6667]

it is!

[@tylenol_jones]

"That's the way the market's gonna be for a while." damn near killed me with this one

[@UncleSnowzo]

So after 10 years did the price ever stabilize?

[@liiillllliiilllliilllliii9461]

😂😂😂😂

[@Shogun1982]

One thing's for certain. More snitches got stitches.

[@OatmealGrillBlazer]

Anal gives you one and a half pack of cigarettes back in my grandpa's days a bitch slap keeps you 5 packs

[@dr.8553]

Yeah, with inflation these days it's up to four packs, two chocolate milks and three ramen for a decent hummer from the sisters.

[@mikem4900]

I heard the bottom fell out of the market. 😄

[@lethauntic]

how is it that it's been 14 years and this is still so relevant? What god at The Onion wrote this? To think there was a time that cigarettes were _only_ two handjobs and some beef jerky. Damn.

[@RyansBlock]

I personally own a ton of Rim Job stock, glad to see it doing well

[@Shane661]

It's a long-term investment. Profits follow a circular cycle.

[@mizanulhaque8476]

This video needs a update, ever since the ramen currency entered the market, prison economics has been revolutionized.

[@dominicesquivel3901]

Mizanul Haque You young kids with your Ramen Coins. You can’t just buy all the noodles from the commissar and then claim it has value!

[@AlexanderTheScourge]

@Jojoforpres Ramen is essentially monopoly money. It has no value and isn't even worth the dough it is made from. You want to see a better return, invest in beef jerky. Trust me a pack of smokes will level off at exactly one stick of beef jerky. Now a pack of smokes has what a dozen in a pack. Ten to be safe. All ten of those smokes will equal one stick of jerky. If four equal a handjob. It sends to reason that a pack of smokes is two and a half hjs vs one stick of jerky. You do the math.

[@jeremiquirus1958]

@Arturo Ochoa used to be widespread in prisons but they took cigarettes off commisarry in most states which is why they are so expensive in prison as they have to be smuggled in

[@PathofVox]

@Jojoforpres gold is very essential in technology today.. You're confusing this time line with a time line that modern technology is a new discovery

[@josepadilla1277]

And now toilet paper

[@14cheetah14]

As a finance & economics student this is fn hilarious!

[@zmm88]

Dude, I'm right there with you. I'm dying over here

[@14cheetah14]

"Weve got slocks at a stick and a muff bag" (report indicates this is up from 2 cans of mackerel) ROFL

[@Stag6822]

Wile E. Coyote As an ex-con I find this hilarious.....

[@juch3]

As a person who used to own money this was pretty hilarious too.

[@austinhammond6018]

As a person who understands basic economics without having to pay $250,000.00 I find this fn hilarious.

[@exor6748]

I think this is a great way to learn about economics

[@matchbox7068]

Great way to teach the kids in my class about goods and services, thank you!

[@MrUtubewatcher420]

Possibly the best onion video.

[@verfed]

Agreed!

[@benjaminlevine7623]

Which are the runners up?

[@shwift8789]

Boa constrictor therapy is up there

[@Sara3346]

future news 2137.

[@getcrack4me]

White Girl Has to be Tried as a Black Man

[@zsswimmer2]

'Steady job only thing keeping Oregon prison guard out of prison' Fuck I love The Onion

[@josephnolting436]

This was so damm good I almost activated my notifications

[@AshRektum]

"how scared are investors" "well it's hard to tell since they've trained themselves not to show fear" "of course" 😭🤣 I died

[@vcu1212]

As a finance major, this is my favorite video on KZbin

[@youreyesarebleeding1368]

"Rating: No Mature Content"

[@Alinor24]

Yeah I found that a bit weird too.

[@punu3675]

@@ilikestew5719 and the snitch stabbed to death

[@ilikestew5719]

@@punu3675 No that's fine. I would say... even nessecary for children to learn snitches end up in ditches

[@hitchslap8254]

@@ilikestew5719 with stitches

[@ilikestew5719]

@@hitchslap8254 of course. After they've suffered a bit

[@mousermind]

I always watch these twice. Once with sound, once without so I can read the crawl.

[@ignis_gehennalis_ov_God]

What if you have br1am dabamge?

[@rasboten2]

“How’s it going big dap?”

[@DeclanZapala]

I wouldn’t invest, clearly just a pump and dump.

[@Fluttershys_bong]

[Cumdump]

[@DiamondEubanks]

Such an underrated comment 😂

[@RJMacReady1]

- Whats happening hal - Hows it going big dap

[@gingerbread_GB]

This is really not that far off from the truth. In prison, some people run shops, which is really a market maker in finance. They set the price, buy and sell products and collect the spread. The price of course would fluctuate reacting to real events.

[@raoulcaliente1030]

Thank you.

[@lukessummerguitar]

The actor playing 'Big Dap Ramirez' also played 'Vernon Holley' ( Homicide Detective ) from "The Wire"

[@justrandomthings319]

Brian Anthony Wilson

[@sanchitoboc9224]

I knew I recognized him!!!

[@NJ-wb1cz]

I always thought they used random people from the street or random employees..

[@bluedragonrob1]

and the detective in limitless

[@BaconheimerOX]

The funniest thing about all this is that Big Dap is mentioned in a Harvard Law & Policy Review Article

[@loungekiller]

Source?

[@cokelife5831]

@@loungekiller Mayo

[@qty1315]

@@cokelife5831 Is that an instrument?

[@cokelife5831]

@@qty1315 no this is patrick😆

[@maestro-zq8gu]

His best advice is monitor your ASSets carefully.

[@GayFrogsTho]

"How's it going Big Dap"💀