Probably the Worst Game Controller Ever | Ashens

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Hoo boy, here's something I've been waiting to do for a while. But it took me ages to get hold of The Terminator joystick, because for some crazy reason it didn't sell a lot!
Game controllers have come a long way since some very odd people decided to snap the top off a joystick and stick a tortoise on top. I am not complaining. These ultra-novelty things are seriously the worst... unless you just put them on a shelf and look at them, or something.
Also, let's enjoy the weird irony of a company called Cheetah making a Tortoise!

[@tdark987]

That Bart Simpson one literally looks like he’s sitting on a toilet…

[@incredibleflameboy]

I thought that as soon as I saw it too.

[@stephenmuir6812]

It certainly does - a metaphor for the new Simpsons episodes.

[@lkswift]

You mean he’s not?

[@RMCRetro]

Trevor! Thanks for the shout out. The funny thing about the Tortoise is that there was a precursor to it which filed for a patent and was blocked by the MOD as a national security risk. Look up Simon Mooli Mouse for a fun story!

[@SproutyPottedPlant]

Looks like Ashens has his very own pet Trevor now! What’s next? An Ashens museum with brown sofa, calendar and MiSTer board? 😀🌱

[@MontieMongoose]

I love Trevor.

[@15-Peter-20]

Subbed

[@15-Peter-20]

1:58 what's at the bottom of the right hand corner pls guys ?

[@smittenthekitteninmittens2679]

You saw Nothing!!! You should seek medical attention asap!!!

[@Kochiha]

Here I am in December of 2022, fresh from watching 2013's Old Joysticks Roundup for the twenty millionth time, and I can't help but feel delighted that we've reached this point.

[@samholdsworth420]

Hold me tightly 😍

[@toddclayton]

"Oh boy! It's Ashens! He'll show us something terrible!" - All of us.

[@viscountrainbows6452]

Ashens: Master Masochist

[@TheVideoGameBandNerd]

An excellent comment

[@OnlySlightlySad03]

Ah, years I've waited for the sequel to the old joysticks Video. Always one of my favourites

[@BrainlessEnt]

Me too. Can you pass me the arthritis medicine please?

[@kiraslife329]

Long have I waited for your return

[@theghostwing1]

Same

[@burr1aj]

My favorite oldie is the Quickest Game Overs

[@memoryman8462]

It’s only when Ashens grabbed that Batman joystick that I realized how phallic these things can be

[@weakhunter13]

They are called joysticks after all.

[@viscountrainbows6452]

That Bart one, for sure. Hope he washed it with gloves on before putting his mitts all over it 😅

[@viscountrainbows6452]

Also he mentions having to smother and crush Bart to use it. Considering how Homer treats him, kind of on brand.

[@Mick_92]

As soon as he pulled it out of the box I was like "THAT'S A PENIS"

[@TheSmart-CasualGamer]

"Phallic Joysticks, Batman!"

[@TheBloodyViki]

3:41 Flashbacks to him screaming "DO YOU SEE?!" over and over again in that one video

[@Weareonenation303]

I never thought I'd see Ashens show off that hilarious Tortoise controller. I think he first mentioned it during a joy stick video he did like 9 years ago.

[@aztecwrrior1997]

You are correct

[@hognosemyan]

I saw the grenade and turtle and lost my shit, I remember Joystick Roundup

[@TVindustries5000]

that video is one of my favs he ever did

[@Meowvela]

One of my favorite videos. :D

[@WereCreed]

Extreme foreshadowing

[@RoseTintedSpectrum]

"This tortoise has the same bottom as Bart Simpson" - Ashens, April 2022.

[@rileynibhroin6395]

Literally yelled "Yes" when I saw the thumbnail and recognised these as those joysticks he mentioned in his old joystick video

[@Jetpeggy]

Yeah me too!

[@QueenVoodo0]

I feel oddly complete now I still watch that Joystick roundup occasionally, first I saw the Bart Simpson in the wish camera video and then I felt like I needed to see the rest

[@planetJane]

When he showed the turtle, I thought to myself "no, there's no way they want you to nudge the shell around with your palm like you're doing a card trick or something." And then that's exactly what they expected you to do. What an absurd item. I respect the audacity, in a way.

[@GmodPlusWoW]

After nearly a decade, Ashens has finally acquired those weird crap joysticks mentioned in that earlier Joystick Special. And while the hand-grenade was surprisingly usable, the Tortoise was still awful. And I doubt controlling it with your foot would have been any better.

[@predcon1]

Funny you should say that, I was just thinking how it took me a moment to register that Tortoise wasn't a Croc.

[@PurpleMaleFroslass]

"Imagine playing Sonic on this." Stuart, please. I already wanted the Tortoise for my "cursed items shelf." As someone with experience in making controller adapters, an upcoming pay day, and a lack of self-control I'm severely tempted to take this challenge.

[@glitchedoom]

I, for one, support this reckless impulse of yours.

[@guerillagrueplays6301]

I don't think you'd even need a controller adapter: since Genesis still used DB-9 and the Atari button maps to either the A or B button on the Genesis (I forget which,) and Sonic is a 1-button game... just plug and play.

[@PurpleMaleFroslass]

@@guerillagrueplays6301 without getting too technical, you would. The Genesis controller only passes up and down like an Atari joystick, the other buttons (including left and right) are multiplexed (basically alternated really really fast). Genesis controllers work backwards as a byproduct of the Master System compatibility with the Genesis, but this means Genesis games will be funny with traditional joysticks at best. Also an adapter would at least let me add a start button. I'm sure I'd need to pause the game now and then 😜

[@inevitableveganfuture3915]

Elden Ring.

[@RAMChYLD]

@@PurpleMaleFroslass well, I’ve used both a Spectravideo controller and an Atari 7800 controller on a MegaDrive to play Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Looks like that game at least will support the directional sticks on these ancient controllers fine. However, the Spectravideo’s fire buttons are a little wonky on the MD iirc. And iirc the auto fire switch instead causes the game to rapidly pause and unpause.

[@threeglassjars6051]

It's been so long, But it's finally complete. We got the grenade, and the turtle from the first joystick roundup. We have come full circle.

[@lPsychoMax]

Now begins the infinite loop of controller videos! ^^

[@TheHutchy01]

The controllers have returned to Ashen's decaying sofa, the world is dying.

[@Sampler19]

@@TheHutchy01 Why do worlds die when controllers return?

[@SmeddyTooBestChannel]

I think I get why they called themselves "Cheetah". They shat out products at the speed of light and are potentially lethal!

[@blobbem]

They'll also cheet-yah out of your money.

[@bakedgoldfish45]

@@blobbem Exactly.

[@Lucien86]

Things I remember about Cheetah. - They were awful to use, clumsy and slow. They wore out very quickly. They had horrible fire buttons. They were cheap. They were everywhere.

[@RendMaim]

I thought they were called Cheater until he brought out the Batman joystick. I thought it was a pretty cool name for aftermarket joysticks

[@DdlyHeadshot]

Not every Cheetah stick was bad: I quite like the Bug!

[@philtkaswahl2124]

"Seriously, what is this thing supposed to be?" Looks like a good way to risk getting arrested or worse these days.

[@WolfsbaneCJ]

I'm taking a packaging design class currently, and I actually really like the breathing holes in the tortoise box as a design element. It's clever but obvious, which works for it to read well as a gimmicky tortoise device. Ridiculous, but also kinda cute.

[@pepsiman9285]

If your taking a packaging class look at the pet rock. So interesting

[@Trynt33]

@@pepsiman9285 What about the packaging of Pepsi cans?

[@adalaza]

@@pepsiman9285 qp

[@adalaza]

@

[@igorszamaszow171]

11:50 well, you shouldn't expect a turtle to react quickly to anything

[@joearnold6881]

It’s good to know that “little brother controllers” go back so far into gaming’s history

[@gyalpoirgyud4759]

Rosa Luxemburg deserved it

[@TommyDeonauthsArchives]

"Batman returns for more disappointment!" Oh, I don't know Ashens, I thought the new Batman movie was pretty good!

[@dragonheatgaming5005]

That grenade looks comfy in hand, probably not the worse joystick in the world

[@C64SX]

It is very comfortable, at least to me. It was one of my favourites for my C128 and Amiga.

[@Saccromycaes]

I had two terminators growing up. I loved them. When my hands were smaller I'd loop the pin over one finger and it helped me grip the tapered top.

[@Knuxfan24]

"Imagine playing Sonic on this" I mean, that C64 port of the Master System game exists now, so you totally could play Sonic with a Tortoise.

[@ampedwales]

I had both the Batman and the Bart Simpson controllers, I was a very happy kid when I got them... They very quickly ended up as ornaments. I really must dig them out of the attic!

[@megansutton9699]

It seems like it would probably make a better stress toy than an actual controller

[@3DMegadoodoo]

A toy to make you stressed, you mean.

[@kabobawsome]

"The only stress toy that directly offloads your stress onto those around you!"

[@iamdb1990]

the air holes on the tortoise is genius lol

[@iamdb1990]

tortoise packaging* lol

[@QullVideo]

I couldn't work out if Ashens was going to burn or smash the turtle near the end or not. I guess it must be a collectable for him because I did think at one point that the hammer was about to drop into view. But I'm glad the turtle survived 🐢

[@tncorgi92]

It deserves to be smashed and burned though. I'm sure anyone who has used it was sorely tempted. My closet door still has a dent from the joystick I tried to play Corncob 3D with.

[@gNatflaps]

I've always felt that the original joystick video was one of your best videos, so I am incredibly delighted to see this sequel.

[@MichaelBennett1]

You could almost use the grenade one handed if the stick was shorter…just need a thumb stick type top on it.

[@trogdor8764]

Y'know, I appreciate the corny turtle controller box. It's a relic from a time when companies had soul and a sense of humor instead of PR departments and soulless tone-deaf marketing.

[@zombiesalmon4997]

That turtle controller looks like a computer mouse for your foot

[@peterclarke7240]

I really want to see someone try to beat ghosts n goblins using that bloody tortoise. I remember those coming out when I were a lad, and laughing at them even while buying my awful cheetah 125 because it was all I could afford at the time. We'll not see their like again, thank god. 😂

[@ralfsstuff]

Love the "Bart on a bog".

[@Eeveelyn]

So Ashen's purposefully choose a game that he never played with a joystick before only to then play with a normal joystick before using the grenade anyway 😂

[@stringstorm]

I literally watch the old joystick video to help me with insomnia

[@voodoodolll]

I was absolutely filled with joy when this came up in my recommendations! It's been a while so it's lovely to hear your voice again, your content is always really enjoyable and great to relax to. Your demeanor and the pacing of your videos is like a calm lake in a sea of stormy shit that is life.

[@ruisilva5713]

Nostalgia. Haven’t seen your videos in so long, and I’ve been following you for maybe more than 10 years I think… you’re still amazingly funny!

[@tiki_riot]

You should watch his Twitch streams, they’re really fun

[@Freakadog]

That moment when you see that the couch looks like grumpy cat's face, and now can't unsee it... lol

[@BenMillen]

I think I had the grenade joystick at some point, my dad owned a mail order computer software business called byteback and I got to play with all sorts of things and I remember it being super uncomfortable to use

[@hardtech87]

This is the classic Ashens content that made me fall in love with this channel in the first place. Love it.

[@SsnakeBite]

Loved seeing this on the Sunday stream and I am still baffled that these things were even conceived of, let alone produced and distributed.

[@Clay3613]

Never thought I'd see an update to your old controller video, I watch that one at least twice a year!

[@RyanReidSpeaks]

I love that the last 30 seconds seems like a friendly little turtle cheerfully taking all the abusive insults that can be thrown it’s way.

[@CreepSHatter]

Haven't seen your channel for like 6 years. So glad I saw just now on my recommended and happy you are still making content

[@YamiSatoshi]

7:26 That explains Bart's lack of book smarts. His brain is just a fire button! 9:52 Gives a whole new meaning to "Blockbusters hand jive."

[@ethanwatkins7874]

This is such a throwback. I remember the joystick roundup being the first Ashens video I saw years ago. The satisfaction of seeing Ashens get these joysticks was years in the making and I'm happy to see it finally

[@joemck85]

"Imagine playing Sonic on this" -- Something seems incredibly wrong about playing Sonic on a tortoise. Gotta go slow!

[@BSapproved]

So endlessly happy you still make videos. Been watching since the very first pop station and chef excellence

[@mattx5499]

The turtle joystick is so absurd it's hard to believe it's real. I don't know what designer thought while designing it. He was like: 'behold, this is the future of game controllers, a freaking turtle'... 😆

[@Rokios]

It's been nine years but we finally got the conclusion to the old joystick roundup video. Although how many other weird joysticks are left for Stuart to review?

[@NASCARFAN160]

Nothing makes me happy like my favorite KZbinrs from years ago having a new video pop up on my feed and it's just like the good ol days 💚

[@TheBroz]

It is a wonderful day when Stuart makes another retro gaming related videos, I love these.

[@ShakeItLittleTina]

Oh my god! A sequel to my favorite Ashens video ever?!

[@Arrowdodger]

I still re-watch the old joysticks video every now and then. I'm very glad to have this followup.

[@Jetpeggy]

Finally! I've been waiting for a video about the grenade and tortoise joysticks ever since I first saw the Old Joysticks roundup back when it came out. I've watched that video so much I pretty much have the script memorised along with the Chinese delicacy special. Swings and roundabouts.

[@crunchyfrog555]

Oh dear God, I'd so forgotten about Cheetah's crap. They used those horrible joysticks that Spectravideo used in their early Quickshot joysticks. Horrible lack of travel and absolute garbage build quality. I remember spending nearly twenty quid on a Quickshot back in the day, and it snapped within a day. Utter garbage.

[@visual_Memories]

I've been wanting a follow-up to Old Joysticks Roundup for years, as it's my favorite video of yours. Lovely to see the Bart and Batman joysticks at last, and they are even more grotesque than I could have possibly imagined.

[@MrsLauraRosie]

I have not watched this channel for YEARS and I just tuned back in. I Fucking loveeeee that the video structure is exactly the same now as it was in 2012z

[@SarcasticBarman]

ive just watched your previous controller vid.. from 10 years ago followed by this, i missed the end and didnt realise it was a new vid, its awesome you haven't changed! please dont

[@AndreasVictorsson]

I love the energy Ashens! Good to see you :)

[@deaththereaper36]

grenade could have been cool if you could pull the pin to unfold it into a controller

[@MexicanJuice7]

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS!

[@Shinobi33]

Must have been an interesting day at customs when that grenade came through

[@sporedoutofmymind]

Well, this is one controller I won't be bringing on the airplane.

[@Siverleafman]

I just found that this very well might have been 9 years in the making! at the end of the ancient 'lots o' ancient game controllers' video, ashens talked very specifically about the grenade and the tortoise.... quite the video indeed! I can only imagine how hard it was to get your hands on these.

[@Oculas2003]

07:48 - so THATS what Homer was doing in all those episodes!

[@DJ_Mooster]

A sequel to my favourite Ashens video. Fuck yes

[@matttyree1002]

Would be hilarious if someone showed up at a fighting game tournament with this thing and dominated

[@15-Peter-20]

😂😂😂

[@NerdyGardevoir]

Finally! The sequel we’ve all been waiting for!

[@owoairsoft4224]

Man I remember watching the original joystick video u made when it came out. Im so excited to see the sequel 9 years later😂

[@singeslayer8367]

I miss microswitches in gamecontrollers and joysticks, it's such a shame that large companies love to cheap out so much

[@Those_Weirdos]

Or is it you that’s cheaping out by not buying the controller you want to have?

[@Burger_pants]

they still exist, but only in the fighting game community and rythm game machines. I have a home-built pop'n music arcade controller that is nothing but switches and a controll board.

[@singeslayer8367]

@@Those_Weirdos pretty sure I would buy the controller I wanted if it existed

[@sonichockeyaug]

Ah, good to finally see these joysticks on the brown sofa after all these years! I saw the first joystick video when it was new!

[@JakubD1999]

ive waited years for this sequel, thank you c:

[@DragonHeartHisMajestyX]

I was surprised to hear Ashens mention Caddicarus the first time I watched this video. One of my favorite gaming KZbinrs ever!

[@godslaughter]

HE'S DONE IT. I can't believe he found one of these, I still remember the previous joystick video and the mention of it, this is phenomenal

[@JohnnnyGash]

I've never told you this, so THANK YOU! Been enjoying your videos since you dropped the hilarious Xbox 360 parody tear down all those years ago (vial of spit and a signed Polaroid of Peter Falk). That's a lot of years of entertainment. Thank you!

[@kobalt_ren01]

I did not expect a sequel to the joystick video after all this time, I could probably recite that video from memory given how much I watched it!

[@No1.OriginalTrilogyStarWarsFan]

Great video as always Stuart

[@SuperPerry1000]

MAN I remember you mentioning all those controllers the last time you talked about old joysticks, which was...several years ago. Man we're old. Also I was playing COD Mobile while watching and to be completely honest, I'd chance it with that grenade over suffering through virtual smartphone dpads. That is pain, right there.

[@ChrisStoneinator]

If I was any good at coding novelty websites, I'd make one that embeds a totally random Ashens video every refresh and asks you to guess what year it's from. This wonderful man never changes.

[@GameApologist]

Oh my dear god I need that tortoise.

[@vattmann1387]

I can see the "Terminator" grenade and a small keyboard combo working really well with the worms games. Hell even lemmings for experienced players ;P

[@SonySteals]

Oh man! The tortoise one is the king of WHY? An anti-joystick indeed

[@rossini138]

Oh my god, as soon as I saw the Bart Simpson one I had a flashback to being a kid and not being allowed to play with my cousin’s Commodore 64. (Joke’s on her. When she moved out, her dad gave it to me and now I have one of the best preserved C64 boxes I’ve ever seen)

[@handsolo1209]

Thank you for triggering my deeply buried memories of the Cheetah 125+. I had put that monstrosity out of my mind for years. The joy of seeing a cheap joystick that could be bought with pocket money (sometimes they were on sale for £1.99) and then the excruciating agony of the cramp in my hand that would hold the base of this evil lump of plastic as I tried to use it. Thanks a bunch, Mr Ashen.

[@Facesforce]

I love that I can not watch any Ashens for nine years, and he's still here, making the exact same quality videos on the brown couch like always. I think I shall catch up by drinking a load of beer and laughing at the insightful, yet hilarious dry British commentary.

[@jennyholiday88]

Almost ten years after ur first joystick roundup

[@chinnyvision]

And lo and behold mere minutes after my demand for more old game tat you bring forth the crimes of Cheetah Marketing.

[@SvenSvenApfel]

You've come full circle. I remember you talking about these joysticks and hoping to get some of them. Now we're there :D

[@fallinsideahole]

oh yes! the old joystick video is one of my all time favourites, i rewatch it regularly

[@juliandobbin7329]

That handgrenade is a blast! Lol

[@Burger_pants]

The worst controller I ever used was the Onimusha PS2 katana, it was a dualshock 2 so it had 2 analog sticks but it was a sword... so they are aligned vertically, as are all the buttons. It's awkward to put it very kindly.

[@Interference22]

Bart "smother me while I sit on the toilet" Simpson.

[@hygrave2892]

Somewhere, a major mix up occurred. A young kid told his friends(mates in the UK)he had a sweet new joystick they had to see. His three friends gathered in his small basement room, huddled around his computer. He tells them in an anxious voice, let's frag some fools with a frag! He grabs this wonderfully made joystick, and they all gasp a bit, and then all laugh in unison. Then he drops the joypad, and the pin slips out and hits the floor a foot away from the pad itself. But wait, what Ashens has doesn't have a removable pin? Those four friends often lived together, and in a quick and violent explosion they all died together. From that day forward, the army surplus store stopped selling grenade shaped controllers, because most people wanted to keep the bang in the game, not at their feet. The only thing left of those boys, their reebok pumps, still with four pumps in the chamber. /end of satire.

[@snubby4624]

What a story!

[@Jackalblade9]

I keep going back to the Old Joysticks Round Up video, and now we have the perfect sequel!

[@gandalfwiz20007]

Haha, you finally got the missing joysticks presented in the joysticks video from years ago! Niceeee

[@ozmond]

I’m currently 22. When your original controller video came out I watched that repeatedly so many times after school while eating easy Mac

[@TheLobstersoup]

Cheetah took the "joy" out of joystick. When you were at a friends and he had two joysticks, he'd always give you the crappy one. And you'd still crane-kick his ass in International Karate II.

[@ASolidOpinion]

I love how they just painted the animated series one in Keaton colours and called it a day, hence the giant fucking chin!