How Your Childhood Influence The Way You Express Love (love styles)

[@Psych2go]

Which love style do you relate to most in the video? Comment below, and if you find them accurate!

[@mariomaster101official]

Ok

[@BenLikesChoco]

You video is amazing , because there cute ❤️

[@dynosaurrrr]

the avoider. its pretty complicated, one of my parents is an absolute shitbag while the other is the best parent ever. they separated recently, and the good parent has custody, so maybe eventually i wont be an avoider anymore

[@dahntaedeluna]

Thank you for making this insightful video! 👏

[@notgoroakechi9270]

The pleaser due to me not being allowed to hangout with friends and my mother (only parent) has severe anger issues so I usually am the one to calm her down

[@sucodelimonations6103]

"im sorry..." "ill be better next time..." "sure..." that hitted me hard

[@mayaryan6221]

It really did though

[@scarasolos.]

Me to.

[@vyzl8953]

“There won’t be a next time” is also a gut puncher

[@itsnecessary1854]

That hit way to close to home

[@yoanageorgieva8458]

Me too :'(

[@brandonayong5823]

But I also think that having a bad childhood experience can motivate you to do everything to give the opposite of that lack of love later on

[@obrandondonaldson1208]

I agree. When youre treated bad, you remember how you felt. So you treat others around you good and kindly so they wont feel the way you did.

[@whimsygirl333]

some of the stuff you do are things you do unconsciously, yea if you’re abused you won’t want to pass that on to other people but if you were taught love in a way that was manipulative and didn’t know it, you could be emotionally abusive to someone without realizing it

[@bradleymartinez185]

It's where I'm at but there's a lot of flaws you develop and don't even know it. Lots of things you have to fight when you realize the things they gave you to make a healthy realationship

[@brunjim9812]

@@whimsygirl333 yes, so true, I see this happening everywhere. It's like the saying hurt people hurt people. 😞

[@brandonayong5823]

@@obrandondonaldson1208 exactly

[@midnightfandoms8960]

I once saw someone online say “it’s not always about the hate that you receive, but the love that you don’t receive” when referring to childhood. That has stuck with me ever since. My parents were never angry or violent around me or with me, and on the surface are supportive. But in reality, it’s because we only have a surface level relationship. They were never hateful towards me, but they weren’t totally loving either. I never felt I could be vulnerable with them because my mum struggled with depression and I had to constantly be aware that if I’m sad, it’ll make her sad. So I have to try and make everything happy, even if I’m struggling. Something I still do today 😅

[@bubblegumbishonen]

I understand the last part of this, as someone who put up a happy front so everyone else could be happy (cause my mom was the same way).

[@midnightfandoms8960]

@@bubblegumbishonen honestly I've never met someone (online or irl) who's gone through the same thing as me. I always felt like it's a very unique experience, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone in this. I hope you and your mom are both okay, you're so strong to make everyone else happy but know your feelings are also valid and you have to feel them!

[@bubblegumbishonen]

@@midnightfandoms8960 Hey no same to you too!! She's a lot better now, but it was rough back when. I'm still a people-pleaser though sadly. Like it's hard for me to even have to leave my job now bc of how much worse my departure is going to make it for my coworkers. I feel really guilty, but I have no other choice but to leave now to keep my sanity.

[@midnightfandoms8960]

@@bubblegumbishonen I’m glad to hear she’s better! And yeah I can understand where you’re coming from, but you have to focus on you! Nothing wrong with wanting to make other people happy, but you gotta look after yourself y’know? I’m still learning too but we’ll be okay 😊

[@bubblegumbishonen]

@@midnightfandoms8960 Heehee indeed we shall! Thank you :)

[@EnragedErin]

Definitely a pleaser type. The way I rationalize to myself in the way I express love is that someone has to be happy. I'm happy knowing you're happy.

[@S4asha]

I relate

[@sylvesster]

fr

[@souldagoatfr]

fr.

[@FatimaCastro-mk1qg]

Damn, that’s way too accurate for me.

[@JESUSLOVESYOU219]

This is so so sad, not everyone deserves to be parents.

[@TheNadeswin]

Most people probably don't

[@niwtru]

No human could be a perfect parent. That is the reality. We can try but we will fail at one thing or a few hundred. There is only - try. Try to do our best. Every parent is a struggling human too with their own issues from their own childhood and life.

[@JESUSLOVESYOU219]

@@niwtru right, but that’s really no excuse to pass on the pain unto generation after generation, and what’s worse is parents like this really ever accept that they weren’t really good parents. The child didn’t ask to be in that position hence why people should first see if they are really ready to have kids and be parents not just go off of how they feel. People can heal first before having children.

[@R.leo1110]

@@niwtru But all people could be a better person than they are, Obviously we are not perfect, in fact there will always be dysfunctional families and traumatized children, but that doesn't have to stop you from thinking and healing before doing something wrong to your child. What this channel and many people in many ways are trying to do is to make people understand how the choises that you make as a parent have consequences and how to prevent them, and that isn't useless.

[@peacenmodeme]

@@niwtru I guess you're right

[@kohvuu]

Also everyone: One person is not limited to ONE each. One person can have multiple love styles/ Love languages.

[@jasonriso3153]

I'm a combo of avoider and victim

[@eErudius]

Yep... pleaser/victim.

[@eErudius]

Also also... discovering is one thing, but discovery is not definition. You are not defined by your love style(s). We learn these things so we can find balance.

[@kohvuu]

@@eErudius yup yup. You have to find the source of these behaviors and confront them. Trust I’ve been doing it and I can say, my relationships with people as improve but more importantly, the relationship with myself is strengthened. Self love is important. So what I’ve taught my partner and my friends and (hopefully my family if they weren’t stubborn lol) is find that source of your trauma, then find your love languages, and From there you use those love language (everyone has them. It’s key to how people socialize), use them on yourself. When you do that, I promise you things should get easier. The answers are inside us. So I would say to myself: Learn how to treat myself first so that I know what to do and not to do to others from now on. I hope this helps someone in need. 🙏🏾🧿

[@Dig_Duke_SFM]

@@eErudius same for me... you're not alone 😭

[@SanlyLiuu]

“Everything else you grow out of, but you never recover from childhood.”

[@Sishfksj]

This hits so hard

[@cassandercameron888]

I am not sure I believe this it is hard to recover but it is not impossible I mean there are residual things left we will not be perfect as we were before but none of us will leave this world without hurt or pain...

[@justinpacheco540]

what you tell yourself becomes reality

[@TheMixedPlateFrequency]

@@cassandercameron888 I honestly think you don't ever recover. You sort of just work around it and sometimes find patches for it. But it is still sort of there

[@cassandercameron888]

I guess that is true as much as I have worked on myself my mind goes to dark places quite often... even when the darkness is not there anymore

[@coldbacon4869]

“Want some of my ice cream? :D” “No, in fact I’m leaving you.”

[@nora7372]

😂😂😂😂

[@deborahmontgomery7881]

🤣

[@Ketsui.]

LMAO-

[@thisis8875]

I laughed so hard, my sides hurt LOL

[@keishlacastro3625]

LMAO

[@LighthouseJaye]

I'm grossly aware of all these things not just in myself but the people I've experienced. I lose my composure pretty easily and find myself becoming more resentful toward my parents because of the nature of my experiences. Thank you for these videos, without therapy I'm not entirely sure what other way I'd be able to receive this information and unpack the root causes. Forever a work in progress

[@echosama618]

“The avoider” is undeniably me and explains me and my life perfectly. As a kid who was practically neglected by my parents, I grew up in foster care. The act of blanking out my emotions is actually something I’ve noticed. Sometimes even when I am happy, I block it out. You can’t control it, it’s a protective barrier. It helped me get out of foster care alive, but now it’s hard to open up emotionally even if I try, I can’t emotionally connect. If I hadn’t had that barrier I might have killed myself, my mind created the barrier as a survival instinct. I heard foster kid lack empathy and it’s true. I’m scared for my life ahead of me, that I’m too broken and I’m gonna die alone. I’m not being exaggerant, I have ruined some good relationships because of this. I love my personal space and in fact I probably could live without somebody for the rest of my life. But the social butterfly part of me wouldn’t. I do also get uncomfortable when people around me feel very emotional. My brain can’t comprehend just how they feel so strongly and deeply enough to cry about a certain something while I don’t can’t seem to feel the same thing. How can somebody feel so much for something like that? I can’t even cry at my grandpas funeral. I didn’t even cry the first two years in foster care. Foster care and my parents ruined me. Stripped me of a good life, with feelings, love, security. I’m scared guys, it’s not as easy as you think to take that physiological barrier away. Even if I say what I’m feeling and I “open up” I feel nothing, it doesn’t mean anything to me. Crapppppp guysssss I’m ruineddddd

[@ClaraLovesMusic93]

I really just want to tell you how admirable it is for you not only to open up this way, but how self aware you are of the "avoider" coping strategy you've used and how you've learnt to put up that protective barrier. I think recognising how human it was that you used that to literally survive in foster care is relevant and something you should give yourself more credit for. I know it seems so tough and you feel like you're "ruined" but trust me you you're on the first step to healing from being open and self aware, things will get better it's up to you to put the work in to put the past behind you and attempt to just keep being you and present and take every day as it comes. Sorry if this a bit too preachy and rambly haha!

[@esertekin9727]

You wrote the things that I wanna scream. I realized I wasn't feeling emotions as strong as others when one of my friends died. I attented at my friends funureal out of respect and support my other friends. But his dead affected everyone much more than me. I was and still am disgusted by how I can't get sad to my friends dead. Is every friend of mine that unimportant to me?

[@Sammmliu]

I can sympathize with you I just seem to lack of emotions Like I can understand that emotions but not feel it as strong as others person I can only feel strong emotions when something related to me like hurt something deep in me that my brain try to make a barrier to keep those thing deep in my heart I thing that why I only get emotional by my mom Probably because I expect her know me too well so I get more emotional when we argue But besides her I don’t get that emotional to other person because I don’t expect them to know me a lot

[@robbiejames1540]

I think i get your feeling with the emotional blockout. I am blessed with a very loving and supportive family (not without issues, but fairly minor). However, we moved to a little village when I was young, and there were 12 kids in the whole school (all essentially in the same "class" though taught according to their age), of which 9 were girls(I'm a guy) - 5 from the same extended family, and no boys of the same age. And I was fairly strange - science obsessed and generally a bit odd. Basically, what ensued in breaktimes ranged from ordinary fun in the playground to, looking back on it, essentially bullying. Particularly because the class makeup was dominated by family groups (for much of the time, I was the only child who didn't have a sibling in school), it was very difficult to make any friends who you could rely on to take your side over their family's. This meant it often ended up being me (and sometimes a girl called ember, who was my best friend until she left in p3) against the mob. Two incidents I remember quite clearly were a group of the girls holding hands in a line in front of the bridge on the way to school to stop me cycling home (this happened a few times), and once having my arms and legs grabbed and being physically picked up and lifted away by a gang of mostly older kids. I actually sort of bit one of them to get them to let me go. Anyway, so, this left me pretty wary and distrustful of people who, in hindsight, were just being friendly. (though my best friend atm just walked right up to me on the first day of new school and started being automatically friendly and interested in science and stuff. We've been friends ever since :). I definitely feel that lack of sympathy - when I hear of people dying on the news I mostly feel nothing. When Charlie, one of our cats, disappeared, again, I made the sad faces, but inside - not much, as far as I could tell. Grandad and grandma: pretty much ditto. But at least I have the joy of being able to open up, laugh and talk with mum, dad, and sister - they're just the best family ever, even if mum and sister occasionally yell at each other. Thanks for reading this stupidly long life story - frankly, it just felt good to write and let out.

[@someone-re7sq]

did u just express my thoughts perfectly

[@prolozaloser4461]

You know it hits worse when you can't recall when your parents did such things but you have more than 1 love styles morphed. Perhaps it's denial and a coping mechanism unfortunately :(

[@cptshooo]

ME ASF, I was like "that really sounds like me" to 3 of them holy shit

[@annabethyeung8512]

Or honestly, a lot of people have at least some of these traits, fears, etc. and it’s not always because of some hidden childhood trauma. Wanting to be controlling or needing a lot of personal space isn’t always an indicator that you were neglected or unsafe

[@sbradley1308]

A lot of my issues are from people outside if my family. My family isn't perfect but the most hurt came from outside the home. I definitely have all these styles mixed together, weird situation.

[@cassandercameron888]

Yup I am a pleaser and a victim and when it seems like a peaceful relationship I turn into a controller when I do not have much Conflict which for me is alarming for me... irrational and emotionally charged easily lead into creating chaos especially if I do not get my way... nothing subtle about that

[@jaellemoe521]

Me. I feel like a combination of some, but cannot relate my parents being any of what was mentioned. It is it just me possibly

[@ShyShaymini]

the entire time i was like "Oh yea, that fits!" And then seeing the parents stuff "Oh nope, my parents didnt do that" Im somehow a mix of the pleaser, the last one and first one 🤷🏼‍♂️

[@Rekka7773]

i felt like pleaser, then indecisive, then the victim probably fit me best, although going through this i was like "yep my parents were like that, and that.. and that, and that, and that." xD

[@sch00lgirll]

Well I'm all and not because of my parents but because of ✨trauma✨ Not their fault tbh I was just at the wrong palace and wrong time a lot of the times

[@s.s9544]

@@sch00lgirll same but my friends helped me stay happy more than my parents

[@sch00lgirll]

@@s.s9544 Im sorry to hear that you had to go through trauma and that you didn't had your parents to fall back on. If you need a talk I'm here. Maybe things are better now. Maybe not. Just know I'm here. I don't want anyone to go trough trauma. That shit is hard. And sometimes you never can heal completely so yeah I'm here for you when you need me! (I know I'm a stranger but sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger)

[@markusiquanda2321]

Same

[@Derpy_Insanity]

WAIT WHY DOES THE PLEASER SOUND SO RELATEABLE?????

[@badremake]

i’m definitely a pleaser.. everyone points it out, they are like “you always seem too make me happy” that’s because i always get anxious if i hurt people also i have the victim love style just because i have depression my family wasn’t rude or anything

[@aerothallji6514]

I’m… basically like that as well but due to a lot of stress I witnessed first hand which that I often figured came from my emotions, I basically intentionally try to detach myself from feeling emotions during a point of my childhood and have somewhat permanently left a mark where I wouldn’t be able to display my emotions as clearly as others today and other times and such.

[@userm180]

are yall ok :(

[@austinfydenkevez6923]

@@userm180 no tbh I’m really not

[@userm180]

@@austinfydenkevez6923 whats wrong love?

[@Kiko-jk6lw]

My only big flex is that growing up I honestly had a great childhood, my parents would support me to do better, talk to me and just everyone in my family jokes around a lot. We only had one big fight but it lasted like a day? Btw if you’re wondering why I watched this video it’s just to improve social interaction. I can understand others better by listening to them and support them by watching this video. I hope you all had a good day/night though!

[@Dark.K_Night]

As a people pleaser/ a pleaser in a relationship, this is actually surprising how accurate it is.

[@shiroitaka5948]

I thought i was going to be a pleaser from the descriptions, but victim hit it right on the nail...

[@anyaforger7779]

I grew up in a family that doesn't seem so affectionate with each other. Sharing and respecting one's opinion, especially if it's mine, isn't really a thing. I grew up not really being true to myself nor to other people even if I'm close with them. I rather became..'emotionless', and quiet as lot of ppl around me says. I eventually entered in a relationship still in such state. It was tough as my partner sometimes senses my 'emotionlessness' but he understands. I'm working on changing that too. It's not easy, but I'll never lose hope to be a more positive person for me, for my partner, and for my loved ones.

[@claudegrivet6797]

I'm both a vacillator and a pleaser and my childhood consist of some part of each example. It's really fascinating how categories ALWAYS end up with more little categories because of the diversity of experiences everyone get.

[@r0sewater965]

im a vacillator and pleaser too! so glad im not alone,

[@spoiled_sue3262]

Me too! Im so glad that im not alone in being both of those

[@gammarayne]

Those are the two I definitely resonate with as well.

[@MariRavenwood27]

The pleaser one is what I’ve expirenced ever since I was really young. I always was expected to be the good kid with straight As. I get stressed when people yell or get upset around me. If someone tries to raise their voice at me, I just disappear into another room 😢

[@wistymations]

As someone with a *very* complicated childhood. I can relate to all of these but the pleaser and the victim. I am currently in a relationship and its terrifying. I love them so much but I've never felt so afraid to lose something in my life

[@Haleyh629]

That’s how you know that you love them

[@BrayyyDawggg]

The thing with me is I'm always the one being left by everyone and I've always hated that. I'm always scared if I'll do anything wrong they'll leave. I'm a pleaser and a victim idk bruh

[@somebody-say-hope]

The controller. Not because of a childhood experience, but because I have a bad memory and forget good things and bad things stick in my memory vividly, while I forget the fun parts of life.

[@chia.rae..]

“Did you ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you?” Me still escaping reality when I get bored in school or when something negative happens in my life even now as a teen: *oh*

[@userm180]

u good luv?

[@chia.rae..]

@@userm180 yeah rn I am thx

[@userm180]

@@chia.rae.. im glad :) if u ever need to talk im here

[@chia.rae..]

@@userm180 OMG thx that's so nice

[@BakuKitty]

Wow.....This was exactly my childhood.... on POINT

[@uniixxofficial]

I'm a mix of a few of the listed, but I mainly gravitate toward the Pleaser and Avoider, being more Avoider for personal situations where I want to generally rest or to avoid people I don't trust whilst still being kind enough, and the Pleaser for when I want to have more action and fun or to be caring toward the people that I care more about. Generally, I am more laid-back and "Pleaser" than avoider and want to help rather than "leave to the dust," but certain situations call for the other. I do contain a bit of Vacillator and Victim from also not trusting people much in the past, and from some things that happened, yet that is more melded into the metallic conglomeration of the Avoider side of my personality, though the Pleaser side of me does have a bit of Victim in it more than any 0.01% or so of the Vacillator that is present. Just a "brief" description of me in a nutshell. :>

[@Lee-vj2gt]

“As being fully present is too painful” ooof

[@francinev3971]

i can definitely relate between the vacillator and the pleaser, being indecisive and super doubtful while at the same time being careful around others' emotions. even if i try to do things without being overly reliant on other people's reactions, i can't help trying to please them.

[@ClaraLovesMusic93]

I'm the same I relate to both of them and relate tl your comment so much. I acknowledged I'm a people pleaser years ago but still struggle each time I chose my own needs over someone else's. I thought it would get easier when I started putting the effort in but it doesnt feel like its getting easier. I feel the course of action is to be willing to keep working on it everytime it comes up, eventually creating a habit where you will chose your own needs more, even though its so uncomfortable every time, because you've practiced being uncomfortable over time, if that makes sense. At least that's my take on it. Maybe this in turn will make it easier eventually.

[@mrtohonoart]

I can definitely relate to both. Not knowing what action to take while also trying my best not to make anyones day bad.

[@Stickit2daman]

I’m right there with you, my friend.

[@Chandublox._.]

The way the pleaser called me out.. HOW

[@Achilles·LastStand]

I am 100% the vacillator. I immediately feel hated or unloved the moment my partner does even the *slightest* thing differently, and i immediately want to end the relationship. I feel unwanted, disliked and a burdon if they say something different to their usual response. My immediate reaction is to run way and build my walls up to protect myself and prove I dont need them and to feel incontrol of an uncontrollable situation. My past relationship was really bad, especially since my ex was the avoider, and we had a vicious cycle that lasted 2.5 years of us fighting because I would constantly assume he was over me, when in reality he just never expressed emotion, and it was only when I would threaten to leave that he would express some emotion and I would feel secure and stay. Very, very toxic

[@a3giswav391]

Honestly it sounds like you were the toxic one in that relationship and I feel sorry that your ex had to put up with those mind games for 2 years…

[@tiasmith3499]

@@a3giswav391 oop

[@iM_Z-u-R-i]

My guy called me out on the FIRST EXPLANATION. 😭 and the second one 😭😭

[@ontago23]

The variety in your art, voiceovers, etc, really make this channel. Thank you

[@Psych2go]

Thank you! Glad you appreciate them!

[@nathanlonghair]

This feels like horoscopes to me - not saying it is necessarily, but it *feels* that way. I can see significant aspects of myself in relationships, in almost all of these :/ And I had an extremely stable and fortunate childhood…

[@klaramell]

Exactly my thoughts. My childhood was just normal i guess but still i find myself in every single one of them. Horoscopes is a fitting key word.

[@GaryHamad]

Ah That Barnum Effect

[@BloBandzGetMo]

Just because you have it well off doesn’t mean you cant have trama. If someone is silver spoon fed and had supportive parents their whole life it might be even worse physiologically when something traumatizing happens, because you don’t have the prior experience. Unless you find some way to cope like a therapist you will see these side affects in your personality. Everyone is human it doesn’t matter where you come from.

[@BloBandzGetMo]

@@klaramell horoscopes is what happens when hippies look for answers and post it on the internet n some how turns out viral. This video is true for humans across the world. Their are plenty of articles based on how the brain develops when you are younger and how a simple sentence can change your entire thought process.

[@klaramell]

@@BloBandzGetMo that's not what we (or at least I) meant by saying it sounds a bit like horoscope. I think we can agree, that horoscopes are trash. The principle is to keep the prediction as generic as possible, so that it fits for everybody. And I at least got this feeling by watching this video. Because as I said, i had a good childhood and still I can see myself in those love/relationship styles. And here I agree with you: everybody can suffer trauma even though you had a happy childhood. So for me it seems you can't really conclude from a specific love/relationship style to someones childhood or the other way round. This is how I understood @Nathan Longhair 's comment and what came to my mind watching the video.

[@skyMIKY2]

4th one is literally me and it broke me to realice someone understood

[@Blueellq]

Well I have 2 of them… (cried today)

[@PurrPurrPurr63]

Why do I relate so much to all of them?

[@Sae.bae.GG08]

Great! Now to find out which one I am! …yayyyyy!

[@lovenierah5467]

It’s scary how accurate this is.

[@therealmaenoaki]

the avoider and pleaser is so me

[@mayalowe6953]

I’m a pleaser and the first thought I had when you described the childhood I had was “well I can’t think that about my parents cause they would feel bad.” You really proved the point there 😅

[@fireblade295]

I feel the opposite. I look down on sources of negative emotions and want to please people to avoid that feeling.

[@sigridbjergbakkemeyer3653]

When you have a parent with a diagnose like manio depression and another who because of the other parents behavior gets angry or upset, you become a pleaser as to try and fix everyone

[@joeyolsen7175]

I was so excited to see positivity matches my love language of receiving gifts and I found some depressing things out about myself 😂 very well video explained by the way! The way you simplify things to make everyone understand is absolutely phenomenal!

[@GhostCubzYT]

I think i might be a pleaser or The avoident. As a toddler/baby i used to not get much attention as my dad was an alcoholic and just watched tv whilst my mum used to work night shifts to try and help keep the house in good shape. I think i might be the avoidant bc I don't like showing affection but the pleaser because i also put people before me and I don't want them to be unhappy. Overall as a child my mother spent a lot of time with me and my brother ( i had scoliosis ) so i have healed from being alone

[@caentaurili]

Being avoidant, pleaser and victim type makes me wonder which of these cause the most issues in my relationships....

[@user-ws7qf1ej2z]

i’m the pleaser and let me tell you this was so relatable, my parents had and still have high standards for me and it’s hard to keep up so i tend to lie and say i’m doing good when it’s not the truth (to avoid negative reactions or conflict)

[@MoonChild_x-o]

I'm Still Kinda In My Childhood, But I Think I Am A Victim. Because I Imagine Stuff To Make Me Forget About My Struggles In Life.

[@cwri6ht781]

I’m the avoid love style. Even though I love hugs and physical attention I tend to push it away 😬

[@Quit_985]

2:00 definitely me my mom always is going out

[@B1N0J]

I’m an mix between both being “The Pleaser” and “The Victim” at the same time…

[@thisguyhd6591]

None of these applied to me. not even in the sligtest. I was raised in a broken home. dad angry alcoholic still is. Mom fled middle of the night with me and my sister. I was 6 years old... when I reached 12 and a half I was shipped off to a bording school. got back home at 18 years old for 1 year then back out again. I can't really tell what I had... I was neglected a lot... PS: My mom did her best she could though. it just wasn't enough so that I could stay home... I needed a dad, still does. I know I am never gonna get one but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

[@feuerflieger]

always thought i was a pleaser but now i’m quite sure i’m actually a controller

[@beatmonster9586]

I don’t know if all of these are mostly caused by our childhood/family experiences. I agree that what we learn through our friends, family, and communities as a kid is very influential on our character. However, a lot of the times it is also how we react to certain situations that get us to where we are. Certain factors that can influence how we react to our surroundings is family, friends, communities, even what we see online (especially what we see online). I don’t believe that parental influence is the root cause to a lot of our problems as everyone says they are.

[@sonamydream]

Why do I feel all 5 ????????????? Why do I relate to all of em ?!

[@moonkiri830]

i don't understand because i basically have all but the Avoider love stye and the past traumas too

[@derrevolutor6347]

I am such a strong avoider, I managed to avoid relationships till 26 years old xD

[@vunnvi]

“Do you relate to any of these styles?” yeah, my independent army parents caused me to have the vacillator and the avoider love styles :,P

[@Mamakitty966]

Everyone expects everything from me everyone calls or thought of me as the “perfect” child- but I also grew up with my mom and dad constantly fighting and me being between them and I tend to force myself in a different reality cause I can’t stand being in this one 24/7-

[@duhreel1]

The audio sounds pretty bad around 2:49 just a heads up Edit : it sounds bad even further ahead as well just heard it right now

[@JordySchunk]

bruh turned into the terminator

[@flameclaw3689]

Why was I all of them... this isn't even a joke

[@LivingTheSpoonieLife]

Christ... Can you have all of these? Cause the description of the childhoods was dead on for me.

[@b33_e]

Same

[@hannahm783]

Jesus loves you

[@hannahm783]

I don't know what you've been through, but I hope things get better for you and that you can feel at peace

[@Noticeable_Reclaimer]

Same here

[@TehKevinYang]

I'm, as well as many others, am able to relate to all 5. Goes to show how we can't cookie cut things, but removing a template also isn't the way to go.

[@youngcreamcheese]

"Every child deserves a parent, not every parent deserves a child"

[@kraz3034]

wish my biological father could read this

[@alicehong7809]

Great quote and true.

[@isaiahbloom5708]

@@kraz3034 same its tough

[@rickyalvarez4682]

😢

[@huluhahehe12_]

cope and pasta

[@idkanymore361]

dear parents, start understanding your children instead of thinking you know everything about them

[@Psych2go]

We have this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/qnXGp6l-mrCsq9k

[@tdesq.2463]

I'll sign on to that.

[@veronikamalovcova]

Omg yes please, let's start a global petition on this! :D

[@kleinexpoetin]

word!!!

[@koolked1417]

dear kids, start understanding your parents instead of thinking that the world revolves around you. It goes both ways honestly

[@roosa4520]

about number 4: being a pleaser is also often a result of growing up in an enviroment where your parents' moods change quickly from calm to angry, so you develop an empathetic mind set, where you try to control the mood of those around you. Growing up you had to sense the atmosphere and know how to act the way that didn't trigger your parents' mood.

[@albedokreideprinz1012]

thanks for info

[@regenbogenspiegelbild]

this is a 100% me, I even don't come along with people who don't show there expressions openly bc I'm always worried that I'm doing something wrong or I'm a burden to them..

[@gfc_wd0129]

I started crying when I heard that… my mom was loving and caring but she was extremely unstable. She had bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety and often took things out on me verbally and physically. So I look at my relationship today and I notice I do everything in my power to make sure my girl is good, she’s happy, she has everything she needs. I will sacrifice my wants and needs for hers and her sons and sometimes I just feel lost.. I feel I’m just going with the flow to avoid these things and avoid conflict cause to her I’m being sensitive or emotional, same shit my moms would tell me.

[@The54321to]

I totally get you. I think I'm a combination of 2 and 4

[@The54321to]

@@gfc_wd0129 I'm really sorry. I wish you could be yourself and not have to worry about all of that. 😔 I also have a lot of the problems your mother has I hope to never take it out on my children because that's what my mother did as well.

[@saltedfissh]

Imagine a kid being​ the one comforting or calming​ down their parents​ instead the other way around

[@MINI_ZIN_20k]

dude. that's me!!

[@Harshitmahour]

That's so me !

[@WeirdoWolfGirl]

Me….

[@karleelave7284]

I was that child

[@lovelysavagequeen._.]

That’s me

[@user-cb3le8zr3t]

imagine society where parents go to therapy before having a child

[@stacyparraguirre9855]

I agree and disagree. I didn't know i had some issues until i became a parent. I have been working on breaking cycles and learning to show emotion. I didn't grow up in a home where we hugged or said i love you to each other, being sensitive was viewed as being weak. I feel like i will always be a work in progress.

[@user-cb3le8zr3t]

@@stacyparraguirre9855 i kinda get your view, i think at some point being human will always feel like a work in progress

[@cassandercameron888]

Oh one can dream I am glad my mom decided to go to a councilor as I was growing a few Mark's from a changing mold

[@mymelodyssaxophone7724]

everyone should go to therapy

[@harrisonkenney6246]

That sounds lame. Therapy takes years. Passion can die quick like that

[@sofiathelast_]

1. When your family isn't affectionate, when you rarely receiving hugs, kisses or "I love you" and you grew up don't know how to do those things without being awkward or feeling weird

[@justincassels5595]

The weird thing is I somehow get past it or just emotionally detach myself from these memories from childhood, because when I think about them it brings all the pain and negativity back. It makes me push everyone away even though all things are better now that im a young adult. The best thing I can advise to anyone in the same situation is to just let go of the past, make realistic long/short term goals and make it happen. Productivity is a depression killer, But stagnation just keeps the dark cloud floating over you.

[@SileyCone]

@@justincassels5595 pain

[@Aoi_chan1.0]

Yeah thats me.. if I want to have kisses hugs and I love you's I will have to say it first or do it first..

[@aintzane9482]

Istg, some people just say "why are you so rude? You can't give me an hug? It's easy" For me, give an hug is one of the hardest things I can do, and the worst part is that once a friend of mine was crying so I hugged her but she just pushed me away, I'm not blaming her because that was a hard moment for her, but since that day I never hugged again

[@ShadowValleys]

I’m just not affectionate in general, maybe my family was affectionate but I’m not

[@moneyonmymind4617]

It's crazy how your childhood effects your whole life

[@greenstar5800]

It really does... i still have some bad childhood memories that affects my life

[@Talami771]

@@greenstar5800 there with ya but we got this

[@PRINCESS2527]

Cause it’s when your brain develops the most …

[@therealmomo8033]

It isnt that crazy but ok

[@theemofemboycatgirlw3214]

It's almost like when they say childhood is the formative years of your life they aren't lying

[@bigcladwolfdetecting6017]

"People usually saw you as the good kid, rather than receiving comfort from your parents, you may have actually been giving *them* comfort..." *mind blown*

[@clownslikebilly]

Wait that's illegal- and i felt that so bad

[@justasimpleguy172]

That hit hard

[@bigcladwolfdetecting6017]

@@justasimpleguy172 same

[@bigcladwolfdetecting6017]

For me it was "don't disgrace the family name," "always be on your best behavior," "don't embarrass us" etc... But I just realized it was all to make *them* feel better so they could fit in more and not stand out which is a kind of childhood oppression.

[@tisttrs6337]

Idk it sounds weird that I can relate to all of them except for the controling one

[@leetoniadancecentralldc1269]

I’m a pleaser and everything said was pinpoint. As an only child, I was always given so much expectations. It wasn’t easy always trying to please my parents. It reached a point where it was mainly about their happiness over mine. 22 years now, I can see it in my relationship. I’m 2 years and 4 months into my relationship, and I must say, just as the video says, I’m fond of sacrificing for my girlfriend. I don’t know, but deep down it feels so much better when she is smiling, so everything possible. Be it, getting into debt or whatever. I’ll sort out my issues later.

[@ZoopsMind]

Please, just be circumspect. I lost the love of my life to something like this trait. We were together for 6 years and engaged for 3. We tried to build a life together, but life never seemed to let up. I only ever wanted to see her smile, to hear her laugh, and all the while I was falling into a pit of utter misery and self-loathing for my inadequacy. I lost confidence in my appearance when the anxieties of life eventually caused me to develop severe eczema over nearly all of my body. I found myself disgusting, I was in constant pain and discomfort, and hence we lost our intimacy. I couldn't work much due to it and my complete lack of motivation, which only made me think I was more of a failure. I tried to do everything I could for her, to salve her worries and cook her food, do all the little things and make her comfortable, and yet... slowly, the love that was born and cemented in the space of a single day dwindled and died, until we were basically nothing more than roommates. We argued more and more and loved less and less. One day, when I finally thought things might be looking up, she asked me with tears in her eyes if I would sleep in the spare room. That was it. I was blindsided, and I don't know why in retrospect. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. It'll be three years since then this year, and I don't believe I'll ever love again, because every time I try all I can think of is the time I lost my heart and soul to the vagaries of my own mind. It's been so long and it still chokes me up to think of it all. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a chance. Take care of what you need. You cannot help anyone else if you are yourself dying in whatever way. Don't give up on yourself, and remember, there is always hope. That's all the advice of any worth I can offer. I wish you all the luck and all the happiness in the world.

[@noobzo-0896]

Damn, that must’ve been so tough for you. You’re honestly incredible, despite what you’ve done to yourself. I wish you the best in life, cause there’s still way to go

[@cmarieleonard]

I so relate!

[@robloxgaming3460]

Am truly sorry to hear that my friend one thing am gonna say don't give up no matter how many mistakes and even if they are so hard to forget just get over them and find a new girl who loves you and that's the important thing considering the time you lost ​@@ZoopsMind

[@SpontaneouslyPhytagorean]

I relate too,and the part where you said where you will sort out your problems later is especially true. I dont date,but i try to make things better for friends. I would get myself in trouble just to help out my friend even a little,and i wont do that for myself. I know if i get in trouble i can get myself out of it. But then i wonder if my friends are actually friends? Are they just friends because they get things out of me? I will never know

[@qblaze4454]

I was the "good kid" growing up, I had a chaotic family. I'd imagine fake scenarios to escape from my reality, the constant fighting and arguments in my family makes me anxious all the time, I always try to please others to avoid conflict cuz I've seen enough of those, im just tired of people arguing for silly stupid stuff I'd say im a mix of the pleaser and the victim Edit: it's both nice and sad to know that I'm not the only one. Dysfunctional families sucked the life out of us. I hope things would get better, stay strong lads.

[@liliesart8127]

I feel that I am much the same. My parents are always arguing and shouting at each other or my brother and I just want to either run away or hide. They also always have tried to pressure me to be a farmer and a Christian, so when I finally told them I wanted to be a tattoo artist and practice Wicca, they were less than supportive, especially of my new practice so I have ended up pretending to be Christian while studying Wicca in secret.

[@oreomint8255]

Lately for me, it’s getting pretty chaotic for my family and everyone is on edge. It’s not like I’m afraid of conflict or arguing, it’s more of the fact that I find it pointless and a waste of time and energy. It just gets tiring to avoid conflict all together and it eventually catches up to me and what usually happens is that when I’m in a grumpy mood, everyone else is happy. And whenever I’m in a really good mood, everyone else gets angry over the tiniest damn things.

[@Ir1s20]

Same, I'm the oldest of 5 and when we were children, our parents used to fight a lot, my father used to come drunk and fight with my mother, nothing physical but shouting matches were enough, I used to hold my little brothers while we cried on the other room wishing to be somewhere else, now at 30 I can't stand conflict, just to thought of maybe getting confrontational with anyone scares me and I just avoid it at all cost

[@cherrypoptarts962]

I get what u mean my whole life my parents guilt trip me for everything I ever did and my "friends" said im such a people pleaser like girl u seam to like me more that way

[@taliw7736]

I can relate. Just know we can all improve and heal God bless this was super informative

[@misak1833]

okay well im the mix of an avoider and a pleaser and its crazy how much ur childhood affects u. i knew that my childhood wasnt good but it still hurts knowing this caused my parents behavior.

[@doggolover598]

Same

[@xilxpixl]

same 😲

[@Eis3i]

Relatable

[@SageAvalon]

"pleaser" behavior (both in romantic and other relationships, even professional) is also common in victims of child abuse because they are used to being blamed for everything

[@lalchhanhima_DarkHeart]

Same... Definitely a Victim playing Pleaser to avoid and getting hurt alone. I guess some thing never change..

[@Finn-rm8sg]

Being blamed for everything is abuse? I already knew my parents were rarely nice to me but I didn't know some of their behaviour counts as abuse

[@hahaeggplanet12]

:'(

[@anishpratap]

This hit home

[@jaynedodd5528]

Mhmm. I used to have a motto in high school and early adulthood. "I want to make everyone happy, no matter what happens to me." That, and every time I was asked out, unless I was already in a relationship, I couldn't bring myself to say no. Like I would feel bad if I possibly hurt someone's feelings with rejection, so I would give everyone a chance even if I knew I didn't like them beyond friendship. Because of that, I was often called "boy crazy" and slut shamed. And even later on, I apologized to a (now ex)-friend because they were upset that I didn't settle down and left my rapist. It was a horrible cycle of being mistreated and then constantly taking responsibility for other people's actions and putting my happiness and safety aside to make sure everyone else was satisfied. And of course, because the world is so full of people and everyone has their own morals, likes, dislikes, etc., it became impossible to keep up with what everyone wanted, and I would lose friends and have people get mad with me anyways. I quite literally shut down and isolated myself from society because I couldn't handle being used anymore. It was like no matter how much of myself I gave away, it was never enough. I wasn't enough. And I learned slowly in my isolation how unfair it was. That nobody deserves to be abused and treated that way. Unfortunately though, now that I've reworked my priorities and gained self-worth and set high standards for human connection, along with Covid, I've found that I've been isolated for entirely way too long and don't know how to look for the right people. I barely got any friends and don't know how to human. Guess all I can do is try and hope. I'll figure it out eventually. 😂

[@WCris99]

Can relate myself 100% in the “pleaser” explanation… mind blowing…

[@GouramiNatural]

Same 😕. How did you get 44 likes in 4 hours though on a/an old video?

[@Liggik]

Me too!!

[@travisscottburber5719]

Same

[@gvs6462]

No, that's just you being a narcissist convincing yourself you do it for others but really it's to get glorified and revered by the ones around you as their savior of some sort.

[@travisscottburber5719]

@@gvs6462 no there is people who are genuinely not narcissists and still do this stuff

[@limitless_j]

If you dont feel like you fit into one single category, its okay. We're humans, we're unpredictable. Your parents may have been both strict and inconsistently present. Causing you to be a mix of a pleaser and a vasilator. I know myself and many others who have shown different characteristics when loving someone. We all have our own unique love style. Whats important is that we do our best to appreciate those who do care about us, and make amends with the past so that we can love them better.

[@spork5528]

Oh shut up man.

[@psychologicalFudge]

@@spork5528 someone's hurt 🙄

[@spork5528]

@@psychologicalFudge damn straight.

[@alexiz0013]

True. I'm like a mix of the vasilator, the pleaser, and the victim...

[@soap2770]

Thanks for this! 😊

[@datboi6954]

1. the avoider 0:39 2. the vacillator 1:30 3. the controller 2:37 4. the pleaser 3:41 5. the victim 4:58 I hope I could help!

[@shortforlife1282]

Thx

[@owens.studios]

Hello there, time traveler

[@nwrfrsha]

4 days ago🤐🤯

[@mariomaster101official]

First

[@Psych2go]

Thanks for putting this together!

[@Shelby-pq9wj]

This also confirms why I never want kids. Trying to break the cycle. Family messed me up so badly that I vowed to myself I would never selfishly put my burdens and baggage on my future kids if I ever thought of having any…

[@shoestring9964]

You can get rid of your baggage.

[@Shelby-pq9wj]

@@shoestring9964 some can sure. Some scenarios you cannot. Some you can ease or control. They do not "go away" you can work at them- like anything else. For me specifically, it's a very long road until that point. ❤ the fact you commented on this and watched this means you are also struggling and I hope that your journey for peace is fast and fulfilling have a wonderful day!

[@NguyenDuong-xv9tt]

We all somehow effected by family in the past that made us who we are today. It effects the way we act, think and how we raise kids. It's hard to let these negative things we had as a kid go and actually, as the matter of fact, you shouldn't. You should embrace them instead, learn from them, take what's right and discard what's wrong. With what we learned, it's not only for a kid we raise to have a healthy life but also for bringing peace to us addult. Of course, I'm not saying you have to have kids, I'm in no place to tell you what to do. I just want to say there is more than 1 way to end the cycle. It doesn't have to be your own kids you give birth to, it can be any kid that need a healthier life so they won't suffer undeservely what we had to

[@annabellefrederick4992]

The fact that you know what you could do and are aware of it shows you know what to do now. You can change it because you are aware of it

[@MagicalFishy]

Shelby, I’m not going to try and change your mind- but you might find someone that’s absolutely wonderful and would make an amazing parent. Marriage is a team thing, there’s still some hope!😊

[@gabriellegarthe1255]

The “pleaser” one definitely struck a cord. I’ve always been the family therapist and if ever I didn’t meet the standards expected even if it wasn’t big, the disappointment of my parents would eat me alive.

[@setjprechel7411]

Same for me. Being the oldest I was always the mediator for conflicts between my parents and siblings. I always try to make everyone else happy because I hope someday someone will do that for me.

[@interceptor5645]

And everyone you can help says 'Your girlfriend/boyfriend must be so happy to have you' but for me it feels like noone wants to have a pleaser as partner.. So i hate to always be the nice guy..

[@aloneagainst8052]

@@interceptor5645 Same for me. I always get friendzoned :( I am also an introvert 😅

[@interceptor5645]

@@aloneagainst8052 Me too ☹

[@celinanaojabegail5192]

@@setjprechel7411 oh i agree, we tend to say its fine just for the sake of everyone around you will not be burdened by what you'll feel. But you're secretly seeking for someone who can give that same amount of care you have given to others.

[@a.f.4234]

“...as being fully present is too painful for them.” That hits so deep.

[@chikentika1361]

yup. nothings has changed. i still feel the same as a kid, just different circumstances now :(

[@madhumitha4995]

Same

[@creamofthecrop5868]

I tried to relate myself to every other love style and was waiting for a “chaotic home” comment. But it didn’t happen until victim which is probably the one I most didn’t wanna be but it’s true

[@chikentika1361]

@@creamofthecrop5868 i wish i became strong from it rather then depressed

[@iyr0317]

Same

[@theworldofjos]

Likewise, many parents treat their children, thinking “they're just kids; it's not much big of a deal; they're gonna forget.” And those reckless actions turn out to be the biggest traumas in their children's life. Being a little kid cannot make them less of a human. So, please do treat your children thoughtfully.

[@snakedoc9372]

I always loved growing up having to hear about how terrible my grandmother treated my mother. Always criticizing her weight, to dismissing everything she always liked or ever wanted to be. Apparently my mother never picked up on the fact that she did the same thing to her children except her favorite as well. Parents never have any idea what impact they have on their children's lives and how much damage they do. I haven't spoken to my mother in 13 years, and only because I told her that if she wanted to talk, she could pick up the phone and call sometimes. Sometimes all kids want to know is that someone cares.

[@yeetyeet1727]

This is so true. When i was very little my mum would hold a baby doll and say something like "I have a new baby now..." I'd cry every time and they'd find it funny. It was just a small joke but I still remember it, and have abandonment issues now. And let's just say I didn't handle it very well when my little sister was born lol.

[@kalebpinkston3495]

I hate when parents say “they’ll forget” no they won’t and they will hold resentment. You may think “oh he’s/she is 5 they won’t remember this argument.” Oh they will, more than any other memory from when they were 5 or any other age and it will affect them when they grow up

[@alyssamay9237]

The axe forgets, but the tree remembers

[@Ryboy1122]

Most important learning time and programming of the subconscious mind

[@Majik4]

My jaw dropped to the core of the earth when they described the avoider. The accuracy was immaculate! My childhood wasn’t the worst in the world, but let me just say, emotions are NOT my thing!

[@sirbughunter]

Not *yet*. Open up, buddy. It will make life better for you. 😇

[@nischaygururani3587]

us moment

[@UIGavin]

me too bro it felt surreal

[@thespecificdev]

same I literally looked like a skull with broken jaw

[@aradhaysingh147]

Mutual agreement here***

[@HoopyAragaoMacedo1]

4. I had to be a "perfect child" or a "mini adult". Nothing could be wrong because I was "an example" to other kids. My parents were also overprotective and that creates insecurity on your own abilities. Now I do therapy and I'm finally making peace with my vulnerable and human side.

[@marianavicelli853]

Same

[@HoopyAragaoMacedo1]

@@marianavicelli853 I hope you can make changes and feel happy :)

[@namyanima]

Congratulations! I hope you continue to grow and feel better with yourself 😄

[@lovenalu4ever245]

Same and when you weren't you weren't there kid

[@farawaykin]

these pictures broke my heart and i’m currently lying in bed crying over this comic….

[@SageAvalon]

Aww I hope you feel comfort and solidarity in that other people relate to you💜 also I love your Lil hamtaro pfp

[@iluvu6619]

Right the panels so sad :( all I hope you're doing alright

[@farawaykin]

@@SageAvalon uwu thank you!..i do feel good in this comment section haha

[@farawaykin]

@@iluvu6619 i am!!

[@nuraortoma1820]

Dw I cried over a comic too it's alright to cry

[@bluesprite9504]

Im definetely a pleaser, and my scenario was perfectly described.. not only did it make me feel like i wasnt good enough, i also developed a phobia of failure.. thanks a lot parents 😀

[@I.dont.know135]

Same for me, no matter how much I did, my parents were never happy. They always compared to me to other kids always pointing out my failures.

[@arena.f]

I am a pleaser too... Do you guys constantly feel insecure due to that ? Did you try to change or did you stick to that behavior ? Thank you.

[@AA-mi5ct]

'Pleaser' just need to find his 'victim' and live in harmony.

[@I.dont.know135]

@@arena.f Hey! Now that I clearly now the reason of my insecurity I am trying to change it. Whenever (almost everything) I feel insecure oor I am not good enough to pull this up, I tell myself and so it anyways with that fast beating heart😂. Tbh I am noticing change in my behaviour already.

[@I.dont.know135]

*know

[@ardra8378]

Let me ask genuinely, do healthy parent and kid relationship even exist? Is there such good parents out there?

[@thudso]

Nobody is perfect. There are are only healthier and less healthy parent-child relationships.

[@androgynouslibra7607]

I will be the one to say I had loving and supportive parents. Not saying they're flawless but i do feel happy to know they are great emotional supporting parents. Despite that I still am the pleaser type

[@nguyenhadiepanh9966]

I have very loving and selfless parents, but they don’t meet all my needs or spoil me. Thanks to my parents, I’m able to grow up healthily in both physical and mental ways

[@TheFrigginDevil]

There are good parents and there's also bad kids.

[@pussinboots9983]

Perhaps the environment where you grew up told you that.

[@patata4450]

“Did you ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you?” This is why now, as a teenager I find it hard to cope with real life because I know that no matter how hard I want to escape I can’t.

[@mai5332]

learn to shift realities, trust me its worth it ;)

[@beth4420]

Books,movies,dramas,art and music were my escape

[@sassylittleprophet]

All these from Beth helped me in my childhood and teenagehood, but especially creating and roleplaying characters has really helped me a LOT in my adult life. Sometimes it's easier to be somebody else and to live in someone else's story.

[@beth4420]

@@sassylittleprophet true all these helped as well because I've read thousands of minds and characters because of books which made me become mature at a young age since I am the eldest ,with high expectations, apologizing when it's not even my fault the pressure is sometimes too hard to handel.my parents are good people even tho I kept blaming them in my heart but I also realized that they also didn't know how to Express themselves since they both had a tough background. When I'm in school I felt like a kid again but when I come home I felt like a 3rd parent.im trying to act my age since I'm still a minor , I don't want to become an adult yet 😂 so I guess it goes both ways.i feel old writing this lol I'm still in HS.thank you stranger

[@imnotcryingyourecrying8075]

@@mai5332 how 😭😭

[@noxigniter]

Timecodes for love styles: 0:39 The Avoider 1:29 The Vacillator 2:36 The Controller 3:40 The Pleaser 4:58 The Victim

[@annaa8839]

What if…you’re all of them..

[@noxigniter]

@@annaa8839 this distinction is more of a reference, I think. You can be a combination of any of those personalities, our psyche is a difficult thing sometimes.

[@JumaEcho555]

Im the pleaser but i had a total victims childhood

[@sia-ct7qp]

All of them

[@rebirthed1274]

I have All of them, that's pretty concerning

[@yana.rya_____]

This sounds similar to attachment style theory. Its crazy how our relationship (or attachment) to our parents almost predetermines our future relationships

[@samchezrocks]

Indeed

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

There is a school of thought that we spend our adult lives more or less replacing our parents in relationships... If you can get over the "icky part" of the discussion, basically, the thinking is that young women are generally more attracted to men who remind them somehow of their fathers, and young men are generally more attracted to women who remind them of their mothers... I'm not sure entirely on the validity of the thinking, but the existence of such trends is arguable, making it at least worth note. There's likely quite a lot about our formative years (before age 8 or 10 even) that determines a LOT of our adult decision-making paradigms... one way or another. ;o)

[@yana.rya_____]

@@gnarthdarkanen7464 sounds a bit like Freudian ideas. He's not considered well in psychology these days but I think a lot of the later work by Ainsworth and others draw on that idea that your formative years influence a lot of your life. So I'm sure there's at least some grain of truth in that idea. (I have a psych degree i love discussing these things haha)

[@Psych2go]

Yep! Haven't met someone where it hasn't been accurate.

[@samuraiboi2735]

Depends tho which also includes mental issues and my family has anger issues which is very difficult to put things back together

[@devincasebeer4459]

You nailed me to the wall with the vacillator: my mother was unpredictable with her temper. One minute she could be smiles and hugs, and the next explosive with anger. I even had a mantra as a kid, "If I wake up and mom is yelling at my brother, the day will end in laughter. But if I wake up and mom is happy, I'm gonna go to bed in tears." No wonder I idealize the "perfect relationship".

[@DriaC]

Same.

[@alyziawildes5074]

god that hits so hard, i was looking for someone else with the vacillator type 😭 i come up with this happy little image of being with someone, and then i always tend to pick apart and lay out the “pros and cons” of a new love interest as if i’m trying to prepare myself for the worst

[@tiisetsomolotsi8333]

Gosh this is so me😢😅

[@r0sewater965]

"if my mom is happy, the day will end in tears" NAILED IT, RIGHT ON THE DOT

[@nargozot8043]

⁠@@alyziawildes5074 oml I have been hunted, identified, attacked , roasted on open flame, enjoyed with a fine chianti ⚰️

[@pengtotapenguin]

I relate to all five. I grew up in a big house with four sisters and separated parents. I was the youngest of my family and thus I kind of manifested all of my siblings as some kind of parental figures as well as my birth parents and their new spouses. Each of my family members are so different and due to that, I've developed a whole mix of personalities. I act completely different depending on who I'm with and I don't actually know who I am anymore because I'm constantly trying to lie and pretend when around those I love as to not disappoint them. That may make me sound like a pleaser but I also accidentally use anger as a defense mechanism so I end up disappointing most of them anyway. You can't forget all of my cousins either. My favorite cousin is definitely a pleaser and was unfortunate enough to grow up in a horrible home. She is a very fragile person and cries quite easily due to the fact that she bottles everything up constantly, we're similar in that way. However she never uses anger as a defense mechanism and she's very gentle and kind. I try my hardest to not lash out at her and to keep my cool. I try to be someone she can confide in whenever she needs one but that always backfires because I never have anyone to confide in. Whenever I need to deal with feelings, I just lock myself in my room and turn to food, movies, shows, and games to kind of ignore my feeling and emotions in a way. I used to find myself constantly watching horror movies as to try to scare myself because adrenaline helped me feel less sad but nowadays I find myself feeling barely anything at all. I usually only feel sadness, anger, or just nothing. I haven't had a good dream in years. I only ever have nightmares or just no dreams at all. My nightmares scared me at first but then I quickly got used to them and soon enough, they stopped bothering me! But lately my nightmares have been more realistic and I'm scared all over again. When I used to sleep in my room, weird things would always happen. I would wake up in the middle of the night constantly, I would hear footsteps around my bed as I sleep, I would see glowing eyes peeping at me through the key holes, and sometimes I would even hear whispers. The worst part is that the door to the attic is in my room, right in front of my bed so I have to stare at it every night before bed. All of these experiences obviously scared be but due to the kinds of people my family is, I can't tell any of them for many different reasons, so I just resorted to sleeping on the living room couch! That was completely off track, I apologize. Going back on track: I relate so much to each love style. I have all five love styles. Anyway- thanks for reading my little rant! Goodbye! 💜😅😚✌

[@itzstacyho3709]

i love the fact that you’re so open to sharing💕

[@floofdoggo894]

awe... dont let the demons in your mind get to you, Ik it may be hard to deal with everything, me relating to a lot of what you said. But you, and everyone reading this, have got to leave your past behind you, stay positive, work on your struggles (with someone would be more beneficial), and keep pushing forward to better yourself. No matter what is holding you back, and no matter what happens just know that no one is perfect, and everyone has their struggles. One thing that really helps me, even though it may not for you, is talking about your struggles, problems, or whatever may be bothering you with a close friend. I dont have anyone like that irl, so I resorted to online relationships with people, and talking to someone you really can trust, and who you know will support you, really helps. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you better yourself... much love❤️ Also if you or anybody wants to talk abt something, im here, Ill be available, Ill link my discord, insta, etc on my channel if anyone wants to talk😊

[@joelmilhem9322]

Thanks for sharing, I hope everything gets better!

[@reubenjones2124]

Pretty sure we’ve had the same childhood and I relate to all 5 and have all these love styles

[@huidrommereenadevi5209]

Happy to know that u r so open to share your emotions By the way where r u from? If u r comfortable with it.

[@tubis_the_bunny]

Okay but can we talk about how the "avoider" child scene where the child is crying holding on to its stuffed animal lowkey made me cry so hard

[@skrubbed]

that hit hard..

[@Haelidea]

Omg finally someone states the fact. I literally felt so bad for him.

[@libbyp5013]

I JUST SAW THAT PART😭 it made my eyes water omfg

[@poissondor95]

People feel bad for fictional characters but don't give a s* about actual kids going to sleep like that tonight. Just imagine and think about one particular kid crying itself to sleep in Syria or Palastine tonight or anywhere else.. And go donate or do something. Maybe just spread a word if you can't do more. Thank you 💞

[@ldylkr]

Me too. I thought it was just me. 😢💔

[@Rebeing]

Childhood is the most important part of a human’s life, it’s the involvement that makes us who we are!

[@deathinsanity666]

To you maybe, to me no childhood was the worst a very bad stage for me most days, I can't think of any good days, other people have to tell me in order for me to remember otherwise it's was just the normal day in and day out routine, deal with a family who would have rather watched me and my sister die while my father did abusive things and my mother letting him still live with her knowing he was a horrible person along with a lot of other very traumatic things going on outside of it all

[@samlafontaine8552]

@@deathinsanity666 sounds like you normalized the trauma :(

[@deathinsanity666]

@@samlafontaine8552 it's what you do in order to survive the worst days that would come but it would cost me to never sleep properly and have to cry myself to sleep a lot. Normalizing it only put me in a numb feeling that now lingers into different emotions without my control. So in reality I still have to pay the price and I still choose to try to forget what happened to me even though I still see the memories that traumatized me the most

[@infernoxiv8700]

"Ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you?" This hit deep because I fear my unstable emotions so much that I practice escapism often and immerse myself in video games.

[@userm180]

im sorry ;( are u seeking help?

[@Townspider]

@@userm180 i just wanted to say i love how you go around offering help, thank you for what you’re doing

[@userm180]

@@Townspider awwwww thank u love!! have a great day

[@capricorncouple5060]

For me it was books.

[@katsukawaame4190]

Bruh i started playing genshin impact. Shits hit the fan fr

[@jordanhoffman1752]

This is just sad, I feel bad for every child who grows up like this but applaud the adult that gets therapy for it. We can't control the past. Stay strong.

[@rubyfx1]

And even with therapy it will hurt as hell, you won't have those negative ways of doing things, but it will hurt you remmeber those times forever..

[@rubyfx1]

And i know it from my own experience.

[@userm180]

@@rubyfx1 its true :( but at least it can get u through it in a healthier way.

[@rubyfx1]

@@userm180 More for anothers than you but yeah, i guess..

[@deborahlizardo7554]

Thank you, 5 years of therapy and still traumatised 🤡

[@espinoza1987]

“I grieve for younger me. You deserved better and you really didn’t know.”

[@dianet3994]

So true 💓

[@DR-nh6oo]

Neither did they.

[@Biepsi]

Ok this made me tear up so badly

[@marburge]

I felt a little bit like each.. *earns the worst kind of cape*... Yay....

[@sierraandreason1667]

Like a Sky: Children of the Light Cape?

[@jacksklazy7672]

I feel almost the same way 💀

[@Psych2go]

High five?

[@jacksklazy7672]

@@Psych2go that finished him off 💀

[@ebtrollfan]

@@sierraandreason1667 G A S P I LOVE THAT GAME 💕💕💕💖💖💖

[@gothginger6396]

As someone with parents who alternated between being extremely loving and being physically and verbally abusive at the flip of a coin, vasilator makes so much sense. Your mind plays tricks on you trying to convince you you're truly unlovable and will never feel complete with the person you know deep down you love and don't want to lose. Still, you'll be almost all too willing to be the one to walk away from it, like you see the other person is as unpredictable as your parents were. You know you're the unstable one and the only thing you can do is try to get control of your negative thoughts about yourself and your relationship so you don't unintentionally sabotage the happiness you've built by walking away because of minor differences.

[@gvs6462]

*Parent pulls you by the arm to your room to shout at you for not doing your chores* "MuH PhYsiCaL aNd VeRbAlL AbUsE" *Meanwhile, in Africa, some parents is beating their child senseless with an oxydated metal rod before they slash the child's back with a machete to leave marks as a reminder*

[@konstantinkunz2256]

I can relate so much of this. I am mostly a victim though the rest I can partly relate too. My mother left me be to myself if she is not blaming me for something. The way I got treated in school from mostly females made not having much trust in females too. This days I keep at my Grandmother mostly to myself because I just want to have my peace because I can not really connect to others. I have no real dreames as my mother in her behavior that she is the one with Salomon's wisdom made sure that all what could be interpreted as a job wish is extinguished with the first spark so I do her ideas of job. And now with all my dream bubbles where popped and all her ideas killed the virus I just hope that this Pandemie will keep on decades and mutate so much that all the vaccines turn ineffective so that I can just live on as I have no ideas what to do.

[@Mushberrys]

This right her bro.. like this explains me so much that it makes me cry..

[@jjninja8658]

How do you love a person like this, because i was doing literally everything for her and she still walked away, knowing preety well that we were happy together? Or what do you do, u give her space or what, my mind is fried but i know this isn’t her fault for doing me this Way.

[@chefboiardeh]

🤧

[@sineadohickey6596]

I’m a mix of avoidance and vacillator mostly. My father was unpredictable with his moods and his temper so I was constantly walking on eggshells, especially being the oldest girl in my family. Aswell as that he didn’t show us any sort of physical affection, his way of showing love was to do things for us, like fixing things in the house or driving us places. I struggle a lot with perfectionism now and the anxiety that comes with it. I also tend to sabotage relationships by overanalysing things and then detaching myself emotionally and physically. This has been an eye opener for sure, thank you :)

[@inspired2be535]

I can to relate to ALL of them! 🙁 I did have a somewhat dramatic childhood and have done so much work to shift out of the unhealthy behaviors but I still struggle in my most intimate relationships. Identifying with those wounds may be keeping me stuck. Now that II’ve identified them here, Perhaps I can send some forgiveness and healing to them. 🙏🏻🌻💕

[@GiordanoFanti]

Same, I feel you. 🤗 I think we need to comprehend our past and our behaviours, don't be obsessed with guilt or blaming, but try to build our life, our emotional and mental balance. We need to understand what love ourselves means and what is healty and constructive for our lives. It's a long tough road, but we can do it. 💪😊

[@kokoboswoody8292]

Good for you & good luck 🫂🫂🫶🏽💔❤️‍🩹

[@ashleybowman8622]

I love the way you put this ❤ I also relate to several

[@Simplyamina777]

❤

[@Ashley-sg9ph]

Same

[@ryujikazuda]

I’m #4. The Pleaser. This video is scarily accurate to me. My parents were all three of the things listed. Overprotective, Angry, and critical. perks of being homeschooled- conflict is a huuuge trigger, so avoiding it at all costs is a number one priority. If i have to lie or deceive my friends so they think everything’s fine, or if someone else wants to do something, or if there’s something going on, avoiding is and making everyone fine is more important than anything else. EDIT : WOAH. HOW TF DID I GET 452 LIKES!? Thankyou all so much!

[@revathinagarajann763]

Me too pleaser

[@robloxman4683]

pleaser gang

[@chisaten]

Hey fellow homeschooler.

[@liyn8810]

Wait for me 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️...yeah pleaser gang🙋🏻‍♀️😌

[@toiletpaper6408]

I’m the same way. Unfortunately, I had to learn through a rather traumatic experience that this way of living is awful and exhausting. We become very easy to manipulate. Setting boundaries are so important! Being a pleaser is a very difficult habit to break I know, but it’s so worth it. My friends help me the most with this because I’ve communicated this problem and I have to learn to say no, so you could practice that with your friends!

[@inDefyance]

Crazy how accurate this was. This actually explains a whole lot

[@monsieurdidkekne3224]

This was accurate for you but it's likely very wrong, there is not a single source in the video. Moreover, the video talk about determinism but this is more like a possible reason.