Love Is Blind S3 #33 - (Cuties) - Therapist Reacts

[@eliana4049]

The producer who came up with the idea to air the cuties scene deserves a raise

[@ivanaguirre8641]

I second that

[@patrickorourke41]

and a promotion.

[@LilySayyy]

It was probably the same person who chose to air Andrew and the eyedrops

[@MissWiltanya]

100%

[@ff2154]

@@LilySayyy 😆😆😆

[@seanm77654]

The problem is that she is trying to blame this eating disorder on a person she has known for 3 weeks.

[@amena8899]

Yeah, seems to me she tried to blame all her insecurities on him

[@damaster692]

The real problem is that everyone is gravitating to a disorder of eating, the real reason is that She's a physco Biccch, what does eating disorder have to do with making up the lie about him admiting to getting a girls number, all these youtubers are jumping on the disorder topic, she's plain and simple a manipulating pshyco Bbbbbich

[@lapris7380]

Facts she is so incredibly insecure that she’s borderline delusional. She just changes his words to fit her insecure narrative. She just feels the need to gaslight him constantly because she can’t help but think when he says something it’s with the purpose of putting her down.

[@crystalchavez4576]

18:50ish on the video watch it He is asking her about why she only had the banana 🍌 She tells him I could definitely tell you but I probably shouldn’t It seems like his personality a lot of things go over his head He’s silly carefree and goofy

[@mollyoxy]

She never blamed the eating disorder on him… she said he triggered her with the whole “you’re gonna eat all that” type of comment. That’s very triggering to someone with an eating disorder. But in his defense, he didn’t know and it was just playful. Neither of them are in the wrong.

[@tinyelephant77]

I can 100% believe Cole's playful, joking style might come off hurtful to someone who doesn't understand his communication style. Add that to Zay's insecurities and distortions and you have a disaster.

[@karishmadesai1408]

This is a very reasonable take. I'm usually good with jokes at my expense, except for ones that could be taken as a slight on my looks or weight. I've dealt with fatshaming in a past relationship (my ex would tell me to never wear crop tops even if I was 112 lbs and was constantly monitoring my eating). As a dancer, I had to always watch my weight or I'd get comments from tailors and instructors. Growing up as a South Asian girl was tough too as there's a negative trope around us looking nerdy or out-of-shape. So I'm sensitive regarding any comments surrounding those topics, even if it's not meant with ill will. I wonder if Zanab has gone through some trauma in the past that was getting triggered. I hope she gets therapy and learns to be able to love herself. I've been getting therapy for these exact same insecurities and it's done a wonder. I also have to thank Dr. Honda for this nuanced take. I don't think either of them are bad people, but def not meant for each other

[@almabread]

I agree with this take as well. There were so many small moments that I think added up to worsen those existing insecurities. Not just about talking about other women being hot which directly may affect how she looks at her own body, but didn't Cole say something like 'do you think I would've dated somebody named ZANAB?' theres just several small things like that that may directly hit this feeling of not being good enough or acceptable? SUPER speculation obviously but I just can feel similarly so that's how it makes sense to me.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

I think any man's (and woman's) personality style would rub Zay the wrong way

[@ksussl]

Exactly. I felt so bad for them.

[@Lucy_Fontaine]

@@Aaron-kj8dv ew you’re just being mean

[@acisner1]

I think I've figured out why she has bothered me and why this was so important. Call it distortion or lying she went on a campaign to hurt Cole. She could have left him because his immature communication or his legitimate actions regarding Colleen at any time. Instead she tried to paint him in the worst light and involved whoever would listen. Her girl boss speech at the alter was completely unnecessary and she hasn't stopped since then.

[@JM-pg5rc]

Yep, and continuing today, he still doesn’t cut her down publicly but she’s out their still painting him as a bad person. Even contacting his ex wife.

[@irenejesuorobo8577]

Same!!!! Also Cole said she facetimed his sister and she claimed his family didn't meet her at the wedding 🙄

[@cristinalee3138]

Yeah that’s what people don’t get - anyone defending Zae says “he wasn’t perfect either”. No! That’s not the public’s problem. it’s her VILIFICATION of him. Was he Insensitive yes - abusive? Absolutely not.

[@piaschmidt7357]

The reunion was filmed one or two weeks before the final episodes i think. I believe that all the women came to the reunion smug and confident because the majority of viewers disliked Cole and Bartise so all of them Zanab especially would have felt happy knowing that the public were on their side. Normal people would think "hmm okay, the wedding was a year and a half ago and Cole has already received hate, let me not try to add to it" but Zanab, Raven, Nancy and Raven basically came in with the mindset of "lets all burry this guy by making sure he gets more hate than he is already receiving". The way they were acting at the Reunion, you would have thought the wedding was one day before that

[@gusbulni]

Exacly!!!!!!

[@agingknees6188]

A Tiktok creator made a great point about this scene. Even Zanab's response of "Yeah, that's a serving," shows that she was already measuring food intake by external cues like the nutrition facts, not her hunger cues and appetite. As someone with an ED, I know what that's like and these things don't happen overnight. They usually begin in childhood and much of the work I do with my RD is going backwards. I think she was distorting based on her own views of her body and weight. Another look back that is helpful is that she asked for Cole to rate her AND after he rated her a 9, she also asked the question if there is anyone on the show that he would rate a 10. That also demonstrates that she was already comparing her body to the other women on the show. There was no way to answer that question positively and it would take someone with an understanding of body image and self-esteem to nip it in the bud, refuse to answer the question and validate Zanab in that moment. Even her distortion after the first fight seemed related to her self-esteem and body image. As a woman of color, I also sometimes find myself inherently questioning my appearance when I date White men or men of other races because I figure they would like a woman of their race more. I've done a lot of therapy to slowly quiet those thoughts but they are still there. I think Zanab was distorting this incident and many of their other interactions and she was incredibly offensive, not defensive, as well.

[@EmpressEllie]

Well said!

[@Shortmusings]

How about the fact that he asks her “two of them”? Isn’t he measuring food intake too?

[@foureyeswonder]

Really beautifully said. Thanks for sharing your insight

[@KaytchC1790]

Which tiktok?

[@rubiirae]

@@Shortmusings Not necessarily measuring food intake, more so like 'is one of the two for me?' They were sharing a bowl of fruit the whole time too. Also whenever my SO taking out a whole pizza from the oven, I just assume that I'll be taking a slice or two since nobody is trying to eat one whole pizza in one sitting, not me trying to limit how much he eat or measuring serving size. But if he wanted to indulge a whole pizza by himself, he sure will let me know and offer me other food to eat. It's not that deep.

[@NawiTheCore]

7:20 Mind you, if you go back to the first episodes while they were in the pods, Zanab said that everything that came from Cole's mouth was her "favorite thing" and that she loved how he'd start singing at random points. A month later, she seems annoyed by the same thing she claimed to love.

[@PeteMD]

She’s a liar and a manipulator

[@laurie_guilbeau]

She's an inconsistent person, which is why Cole asked her if she's bipolar. First, she tells him that she wants to be very straightforward about their intentions with each other and if one of them ever decides that they don't want to get married anymore they will tell each other. (Because that's the respectful thing to do.) Then she plans an elaborate, berating speech to say no to him at the altar. In the speech she says he singlehandedly destroyed her self-confidence, then at the reunion says she would date him all over again.

[@Nikkii18]

I was looking for this comment bc no one is talking about this very important part

[@cookiecookielookies]

@@laurie_guilbeau Agreed! I think it's cognitive dissonance, but I wonder if she's just extremely fake? Like she knows she's being filmed, so why say things that are contradictory? Why doesn't she regret dating him if he is this monster that she paints him to be? I wonder if she's lying because it sounds better to say she doesn't regret it bc she seemed mad when Cole said he regrets it; Or is there some way where she can love and hate someone at the same time? Very strange

[@laurie_guilbeau]

@@cookiecookielookies Agreed, so strange. It could be that she simply changes her mind easily, but even if that's the case it's hard to be with someone like that, especially if you're supposed to marry them soon. As for the not regretting dating him, people say that sentiment all the time. "I've got no regrets!" no matter what it is they're talking about. I've always thought that mindset was stupid, but to each their own. Your theory that perhaps she was pretending to not regret it to appear to be magnanimous and "the bigger person" is interesting.

[@familybaby1992]

You can see from after the alter episode and interviews that Cole has been traumatized by everyone turning on him or making him believe he was this absolutely horrible person. Cole is not the most observant person, but I don’t think how they treated him was justified. Zanab didn’t seem to communicate her insecurities or sensitivities to him to actually help things going forward. That’s why he was so blind sided by he treatment and accusations made against him. I really liked this couple in the beginning, but I can’t stand for the way Cole was treated. It’s a real shame.

[@MammaMidnight]

I agree. He really seems traumatized by the experience. It is heartbreaking.

[@NatiP.S.]

I feel like fromwhat I saw, when he realized that she was feeling hurt from the comments comparing her to the other girls, he started complimenting more and was trying to actively make a change, which I havent seen many people speak on. Who knows how he would have acted had she voiced her feelings more (or maybe she even did), but I think had she done that, Cole would have put in the effort for her.

[@lauriehand1021]

I can’t stand almost the entire cast for how this went down. Especially Brennon

[@bun0428]

Yes this is so true he basically said all this in the, "not fat not skinny" podcast, he even said he doesn't think Zanab knows that what's he did to him traumatized him, and Zanab is so insensitive about it, she said in a interview that, "oh well his family wasn't their so for the people who are saying I took it to far t's not like I just humiliated him in front of his family, only his 15 friends we're there", and I'm like 😮‍💨so his feelings are completely invalid because he wasn't humiliated and heartbroken in front of his family, he was humiliated and heart broken in front of his friends? Like tf, it's just terrible what she did to him he hasn't dated anyone since he says.

[@TheGamingFilly]

So agree. I hope he gets therapy and starts the process of healing 😔

[@rchlhcr]

The thing I hated most about this scene was how she spoke to him. Very passive aggressive, very condescending. There were so many opportunities for her to state how she really felt and she didn't.

[@bobococo89]

unbelievable Cole is 'somehow condescending'.....B, where?

[@rchlhcr]

@@bobococo89 huh?

[@j.g.4246]

I am not in anyone’s side, but insecurities like a bad relationship with food and your body are never easy to talk about, specially in front of a camera, so I cannot blame her for not talking about it. Maybe she does not even know herself that she has a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@rchlhcr]

@@j.g.4246 Fair enough, definitely not easy. Yet the way those issues affected Cole and influenced her campaign against him is sad to see, to say the least.

[@jesssc402]

@@j.g.4246 but it’s easy to blame somebody else huh

[@ginabonina6427]

I think the only reason why he even mentioned the tangerines is because he was just trying to change the subject in a desperate attempt to have some sort of pleasant exchange. or closeness. She's not facing him, no eye contact, no flirtation just snippy responses. When she asks, 'If that's ok with you,' there's no smiling, just a snarky retort. She's simmering and he knows it and keeps trying to crack the code. But no matter how he responds, playfully, seriously, silently, or calling her out on her stuff, based on her mood in this scene, it's not gonna end with sweetness. And if he had cursed her out, I can only imagine how she would've spinned that convo. Some people are prone to high drama. I know I was.

[@Khiarika1]

I heard someone say that in a podcast he basically felt like he was ‘walking on eggshells’ and there were ‘minefields everywhere’….why he wanted to keep dating her I have no idea.

[@BanaBerri]

@@Khiarika1 It's funny that he said that, because it's what a lot of us were observing. That dinner scene in particular, oof.

[@alexdalton4535]

I mean he just has no EQ whatsoever to deal with her irritation

[@ZartaxtheWise]

@@alexdalton4535 He probably isn't used to people being that sensitive and so would never suspect it.

[@bethnshermy]

Ya, he's constantly trying to banter with her. "are you going to eat both of those?" feels like an attempt to be silly about how super small the Cuties are.

[@stephaniehartsock3417]

She always seems low key irritated. Cole dodged a bullet.

[@Rhiannon.Moonchild]

I don't watch the show but does she ever seem pleasant to be around? 😂

[@DieAnnaSaurusRexx]

@@Rhiannon.Moonchild basically, no

[@dreamer.taurus]

@@Rhiannon.Moonchildol not even a little. She’s the co-worker that makes you groan when she walks in 😂 like “here we go again”

[@Khiarika1]

High Key. Some analyst on tik tok analyzed her face and noted that the lines at the side of her mouth are beginning to form into permanent ‘disgust’ lines because she makes that expression so often. I now can’t unsee it. I honestly feel bad for her.

[@antoniaalcala9064]

Irritability is common to someone suffering anorexia or another unspecified eating disorder. I wish she'd get help for herself.

[@zararashid5827]

Cole said in a interview that he told her 2 nights before the wedding that they he was going to say no at the alter but they were planning to continue dating after the show, which is why he was so shocked/heartbroken by that speech she made at the wedding

[@safalafagins]

2 nights ago? I don't think so, it was after the big kitchen fight that he said they had that conversation, and the kitchen fight was the last night they had before the wedding wasn't it?

[@rubiirae]

@@safalafagins You act like they can openly talk about that while the camera crew is around and filming for the show. Common sense please!

[@zararashid5827]

@@safalafagins the kitchen fight was the last night together of them filming, it wasn't the final night they spent together before the wedding though

[@bobococo89]

I saw him genuinely confused with her accusations...at least with Shake he was trying to be the villian and he owned it

[@joykinser]

@@zararashid5827 That makes sense because they all went to the bachelorette party together but their weddings weren’t all on the same day.

[@momma2cavalierssf]

Lol! Dr. Honda wanting to take the protective plastic piece off the refrigerator. “Very satisfying”. Lol!

[@asunnywebb]

Now I can't forget about it. To be fair I would've pulled that sucker off immediately.

[@allisonhunt8307]

It was the fingers while he did it

[@Evie534]

I love taking protective plastics off items too. It’s sooo satisfying 😊

[@sunnypie2]

It’s definitely a new apartment and appliances

[@trishanotpatricia7043]

I read a comment on Reddit where someone pointed out that, "Maybe, that's [two cuties] a serving. You okay with that?" is not a normal/typical response. Most people don't bring up serving sizes when they talk about their eating habits. Usually, it would be, "Yeah, I'm hungry/I love cuties/why not?" So, I think she is distorting his playfulness as commentary on her weight.

[@rchlhcr]

Yeah the fact that she knows the serving size of mandarin oranges (which don't have many calories etc even if you go over that serving size) is a huge red flag for disordered eating. I'd find it difficult to believe she didn't already have some of that disordered eating behavior before the show, especially since she mentioned her struggles with body image throughout.

[@maarleyjedermann3174]

100% that. *She* is the one sensitive about her weight, *she* is the one restricting her eating habits, that's what makes her relate everything he says to the thing that's constantly on her mind.

[@Linda-ey4ez]

@@maarleyjedermann3174 but he told her she's fattening her self up in episode 5 🤷‍♀️

[@Fatima_92]

@@Linda-ey4ez I believe she's the one who brought up that comment at first, please re-watch that scene

[@Fatima_92]

I also thought he was just asking because she didn't offer him one, he thought maybe she grabbed two of them to share with him

[@maarleyjedermann3174]

Okay, let's look at the data: He offered her a meal for lunch which *she* turned down with an excuse. He is *looking forward* to treating her to a *big* dinner. He picks up the fact that she hasn't eaten much, recognises that as unhealthy and worries enough to ask what's going on. He kind of back-paddles after she tells him that she doesn't want to talk about it. He also does say the words "are you going to eat two of those?" somewhere in between all that, *not knowing* that she hadn't eaten and referencing the big dinner that he's looking forward to. Zay claims that he was "trying to control what she ate and her eating habits" when the cuties scene clearly shows that a) SHE is the one controlling her eating habits while b) he doesn't even know that she has decided to do that.

[@safalafagins]

This is a great breakdown!

[@OohlalaHolly]

Very good breakdown!!!

[@Lucinda_96]

the breakdown we all needed!

[@camillebutin498]

Absolutely !!!

[@bobococo89]

YESSSSS

[@JM-pg5rc]

He admitted in a podcast that they weren’t going to get married and agreed to date without cameras. He just didn’t expect her to dump on him like that. He also said the crew knew he was going to say no.

[@KrystleMoilliet]

Which podcast?

[@Kalolelo]

Which podcast? If you don’t mind me asking?

[@Evie534]

Which podcast? Would be interested in listening

[@JM-pg5rc]

Not Skinny But Not Fat. Ironically

[@ohisee9173]

I saw him say that in the Dear Media Studio interview

[@DoubleVanilla]

Cole actually did not say "I never said that" he said "I never once cared about what you ate" which adds up to what you're (Dr. Honda) saying about Cole insinuating that he never said it how Zanab is interpreting it

[@iyanla09]

This 👆

[@bluehypothermicreality6759]

That could have been his perspective but like he literally told her she’s fattening herself up on a different episode. So and here was satisfied with her saying she’s calorie restricting to get a wedding dress body. Both perspectives are legitimate.

[@PENH5428]

@@bluehypothermicreality6759 I am going to have to disagree . It was pretty clear to the viewer that Cole was joking with that statement about fattening Zay up or whatever it was . Just because someone is sensitive about something , it doesn’t mean they are right about the reality of a situation. I put fault on Zay for being passive and not explaining how his jokes were hurting her feelings or asking for his intention. She’s 30 and has terrible communication skills. It’s hard to watch and I would feel like I’d be walking on eggshells with someone like that. It makes things extremely uncomfortable and confusing .

[@ambberhill1090]

thank you!

[@ohisee9173]

@@bluehypothermicreality6759 It's kinda funny because that quote actually shows how uninvested Cole was in her diet. That's essentially what he was saying, "I am not giving you food right now, YOU are choosing to eat what you want" or possibly "YOU chose this food for us". The word "fattening" was only used for her because he had already used it for himself. He wasn't calling her fat.

[@michaelyagoobian2965]

IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT SINCE THE EPISODE AIRED!!!!

[@Kathyyyyy123]

Omg me too 😂

[@arron6032]

Goooooob!

[@freefree5453]

ME TOO!

[@julianayokomizo1920]

Me too😂😂

[@dionneayanna5215]

Me too! 😅

[@LaurenAnne6]

Something that stood out to me in the added scene was her saying that she could explain why she wasn't eating much, but she probably shouldn't. He gave her an opportunity to explain why she was undereating, but she purposefully did not.

[@mitzifelix7966]

I caught that too! And she’s like looking away from him when she is saying that. She expected him to just read her mind or something….

[@SunshineJoleen]

I would do the same if I was trying to avoid a fight. Hangry is not the right mood for me to be in when broaching a sensitive topic, and I'm likely to say things I'll regret. This is an attempt at self-control. I could tell by the way she said it that she was annoyed, though... and Cole couldn't tell. It's hard for me to believe anyone could read her attitude in this scene as 'neutral' and not 'trying to avoid a homicide conviction'. But Cole... and a lot of the world... seem absolutely oblivious.

[@STasugx]

@@SunshineJoleen Most people don’t read her attitude as neutral; they read it as aggressive. I felt uncomfortable watching her talk.

[@joykinser]

Yes that was a difficult moment. Cole said he felt blindsided, it seems like she could have explained more of what she was experiencing, especially if she’d been able to in a way that wasn’t intensely accusatory but with vulnerability.

[@LaurenAnne6]

@SunshineJoleen Definitely possible that she was avoiding a fight in the moment. I do the same with my husband when I'm too hungry to think straight.

[@swagsatan6292]

No you aren't against the viewers, most of us reacted similar to you after watching the cuties scene feeling sympathetic towards cole and understanding that Zae was distorting a LOT.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

It's like the ending of the movie where you see the real villain was the protaganist's best friend and all of a sudden there's flashback scenes and everything makes sense

[@jeans0130]

@@Aaron-kj8dv this is such an accurate description.

[@mostafasolaiman349]

what really bothers me is that mean judgy girl was calling him deceitful and she wasnt even there.

[@RedBunni1024]

Breaking the internet right now!

[@rachel243]

😆

[@bobococo89]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@jembear888]

As someone who had disordered eating and took things personally I watch this clip and saw Coles side and made me realize how dangerous it is to make serious assumptions from your distortions. I think some accountability needs to be taken on her side that she is sensitive to these comments but what he said and how he said it wasn’t Inherently wrong. I hope this makes us take a step back before we judge a situation or call someone a terrible person.

[@Lynsey17]

Honestly, I think this clip mostly just shows that at the time of the reunion, Zanab hadn't yet seriously dealt with any eating disorder she had developed as a result of the show. I can only hope that since this was filmed she has had the time and resources to make some positive progress.

[@annaknight5111]

I think the cuties incident is the least of why people think she is a terrible person. Add everything together and she has issues that destroy other people. Cole had to have therapy after a short period of time with her.

[@Halbmond]

Cole reminds me of Homer Simpson working in the nuclear power plant. No idea what he’s doing and one wrong action could lead to a core meltdown

[@beckyeastham9426]

Same. Completely clueless. A hazard to himself and others.

[@EmpressEllie]

I could totally see Cole giving zanab a bowling ball because he likes to bowl too hahaha

[@asunnywebb]

Good comparison. Zay is the nuclear plant looking for an excuse to melt down at any serving. Imagine walking on those eggshells all day everyday.

[@jaxsmith1204]

@@beckyeastham9426 Zay is the hazard. Cole is innocently just trying to work

[@zoricapavicevik5982]

😂

[@celineg9022]

Two of my friends sided with Zay after watching the cuties clip saying Cole was body shaming. I was surprised, but also both friends are sensitive and have issues surrounding their weight. Funny how insecurities can really cause these kinds of distortions, it's eye opening.

[@annahirox4291]

honestly I don't see it as body shaming but I see why it would hurt her. little comments like that once don't seem like a big deal when you see it in a clip like this, but if it's a regular occurrence it can break somebody down.

[@SunshineJoleen]

I see Zay's side. I'm 5'4" and usually around 130lbs. I was so frustrated when nobody could tell I was pregnant until I was fully 6 months along... I think my waist was originally so small, when it started expanding, people just thought I looked normal 🤦🏿‍♀️. All this to say: lifelong slim person here. I am not sensitive about my weight or eating habits. But I was bothered by Cole mentioning what Zae was eating and assuming that she was trying to lose weight for her wedding. Not a single person even suggested I might be trying to slim down before my wedding. Trust me; nobody assumes you're starving yourself to lose weight if they think you've got a great body.

[@TheQueenrevolution]

Really? Smh... I mean, I'm a big girl and I totally believe that Zay is full of it. That convo was innocent. But I also don't have extreme insecurities about my weight. It really foes matter who is looking at the situation.

[@clarradactyl7791]

as someone who’s been recovering from an ED for a super long time, and i understand zay’s side, BUT cole was innocent in this scenario. when you have an ED, you disort people’s words, and every little thing can cause you to feel very insecure and ashamed. could cole have been more compassionate and helpful in trying to understand her ED better? yes but he never body shamed her in this clip. cole needs to mature and be more aware of people’s sensitivities, and zay needs to communicate what she needs from him in future convos regarding food & weight, and seek a therapist.

[@bobococo89]

@@clarradactyl7791 Thank you! Idk why Cole keeps getting invalidated

[@Scones777]

I love how nuanced dr Honda is! Doesn't jump on the hate train against anyone.

[@francescalittle]

Yes, I really loved his approach. He is very thoughtful and does a good job of seeing things from all angles and perspectives.

[@jeremysmith9694]

You mean will never ever admit Zanab is wrong? Yeah that's what I thought too.

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Thanks. I can relate to both of them, as a therapist and as a citizen. :)

[@Scones777]

@@PsychologyInSeattle Yeah, I can relate to both of them too! :) Always enjoy watching your channel! 🙌

[@4ledki]

My feedback: Dr. honda really missed the body language Zanab makes towards Cole, and another therapist picked up. Look at the cutie scene. Zanab makes no eye contact, and she looks disinterested and annoyed.

[@ohisee9173]

You know what my bf who has never seen this show mentioned when I described this scene to him? That maybe he just thought one of them was for him and playfully joked about her having both. Which actually makes sense since they were sharing fruit right before.

[@BananaEnvyPodcast]

Yes! This is what I thought too. Like he was assuming that maybe one of them was for him which is why he said “are you gonna eat both of those?”.

[@icarenotreally]

thats a good point! they had been sharing before and he probably wanted one lol

[@rubiirae]

That's what I thought too. I mean, the whole time they were sharing the same bowl of cherries/grapes while talking

[@SunshineJoleen]

I think that's plausible... but it's funny that he would think she was sharing: she never offered him any. He may have been raised in an environment where people would not eat or drink alone. My ex husband would get offended if I went downstairs for a drink and didn't offer him one. I found it weird because to me... if you want a drink, just ask for one. I won't get you a drink because _I'm_ thirsty.... 🙄 In this scene, Cole starts eating out of Zanab's bowl... she never offered him any. And he probably wasn't actually hungry, but she was. Hence his concern about her ruining her appetite... Really, the only one at risk of ruining their appetite is the guy eating without being hungry... not the girl trying to satisfy her hunger with a bowl of fruit, which her fiancé won't even let her eat in peace.

[@ohisee9173]

@@SunshineJoleen It's just not that deep. Things this trivial shouldn't be considered deep until proven not deep. It should be not deep until someone COMMUNICATES that it's deep. Zanab did not. She actively REFUSED to communicate her reasoning. She just stayed passive aggressive.

[@ohgeez3794]

Getting distracted by wanting to pull the plastic film off the fridge is highly relatable

[@FantaPopRockz]

Iconic

[@JM-pg5rc]

Don’t you think they didn’t even live there, just shot segments? He mentioned coming from his apartment in an interview.

[@shrodzmartz]

I think this was an unfortunate combination of Cole being a goofy joker who continuously puts his foot in his mouth and Zanab being extremely distorted and then deciding to go on a campaign to destroy Cole. Even a year and a half after the event, Zanab was still: a) Posting vaguely accusatory and defamatory posts about Cole b) Going on interviews and talking about the way Cole allegedly controlled her food intake c) Re-posting (implicitly co-signing) content that referred to her as an abused woman d) Hanging out with his ex-wife for some reason? Honestly she just doesn't seem to have moved on from it at all and wants to juice her fame (or infamy) as long as she can. She also isn't willing to listen to feedback, given that her comments are either blocked or limited on all her Instagram posts... it's honestly a little sad. I really hope she gets help. She clearly entered the relationship already having insecurities and it doesn't seem safe for either her or a potential future partner to enter into a partnership without her really working through those insecurities and traumas.

[@_crusoe]

I don't think the "year and a half later" part is particularly relevant because all of the cast members are discussing what happened, their thoughts and opinions, sharing posts about it. It was filmed in early 2021 so they have all been waiting until the show aired to open their mouths. Of course they will discuss the biggest talking points of the show. Also not surprised she turned off comments based on the hate she's getting, even on this YT channel which is based around understanding.

[@poponachtschnecke]

My inner Brennan: let's not use the word idiot...

[@poponachtschnecke]

I did not see the ex wife thing! That's a super yikes!

[@shrodzmartz]

@@poponachtschnecke You're right, it can be a loaded word. I'll edit it to something more benign!

[@rubiirae]

@@_crusoe It's not about waiting until the show to post anything related to the show, but it's the fact that she doubled down on her accusations with countless posts and immature remarks. So much for her to say that she has forgiven him and over the whole thing after the altar, clearly she has some deep rooted issues and have Cole living rent-free in her head. When was the last time anyone go out of their way to hang out with exes of their ex?

[@abandonablesnowman]

Doesn’t make body shaming okay, but that aside, the way Zanab talks to Cole is super grating, with that slow, deliberate intonation like he’s a little kid

[@talktalk3]

Thought I was the only one who noticed this! And the way she annunciates every single consonant in such a pointed way makes it sound like she's scolding him

[@paulalove587]

When did hr body shame her?

[@abandonablesnowman]

@@paulalove587 I don’t think he did rn, but I just don’t want to invalidate that Zanab might have thought he was, as someone who’s also had disordered eating. We haven’t seen everything, and he did say he was in love with Colleen’s [conventionally small and attractive] body, so I don’t want to fall into calling Zanab insane for having that insecurity with Cole

[@piaschmidt7357]

@@talktalk3 she is basically talking to him like a child

[@Evie534]

Yeah I found the way she talks to him super grating to the point where it’s difficult to listen to. She also talks to him like he’s a little kid like you said

[@sintara8442]

Honestly though, when someone is making a joke to you that hits you wrong, you should just communicate that back Like, I know you say this as a joke but I have to tell you it makes me feel very insecure right now. Then the other person can reassure you and things will not explode

[@JustRaeesa]

This!! I couldn't agree more

[@Halbmond]

And that’s what annoys me so much about her constant assertion that he’s a child. Yeah he absolutely is, but her communication style tends to be that of a pouty teenager as well. A 30-sth woman should be able to articulate her needs and thoughts rather than just passive-aggressively pout “Ohhh I could definitely tell you but I probably shouldn’t”

[@Xeus86]

Completely agree! They haven’t had a history longer than a month together (?) so I would assume if he had known her longer he had not been so naive to how she viewed her body He was young , but I also too agree with the fact that she reacted childishly too, sad to say it reminds me of my ex, instead of communicating we me as my partner she would have tantrums and pout and stonewall me from hearing her words

[@piaschmidt7357]

Exactly!

[@ARS-fn6px]

Why children arent being taught this in schools is beyond me.

[@krystalt2496]

I so appreciate this very nuanced discussion about this Zanab and Cole. I feel like many therapists who have made videos like this don’t have the background knowledge or expertise in eating disorders, and it’s been really frustrating to have that be left out of the conversation. So thank you for your insight!

[@Dauerglotzer123]

What were the others stating?

[@amariebloom]

@@Dauerglotzer123 there was one therapist who was so biased against Zay I could only watch 2 minutes I forget her name but it’s on KZbin somewhere

[@mskada32]

@@Dauerglotzer123 I’ve seen some too and I thought they were calling it out correctly. IMO Zay does have issue like most people. Cole is immature, like we’ve all been at some point. But to not recognize what Zay was doing is either distorted or disingenuous. You could see when she would get offended she would lick her teeth. Even before the makeup incident she told Cole he looked like the male version of Megan Fox and he did return the compliment. Locks teeth. You’re fattening yourself up. Licks teeth. I’m sure it didn’t start malicious but I think it did end there in an effort to be believed.

[@LibraLeo325]

Energetically someone like Zanab is a lot for me. Her energy is intense

[@TheMaltebella]

I quite literally cannot and I absolutely will not. They are hard nos. Exit with vampire speed.

[@EmpressEllie]

Whatever you do… don’t look at her TikTok lol

[@hinamori857]

I really wish we saw more domestic interactions like this. This feels the most true to how they both are most of the time. They’re both sober, and it’s relatively low stakes. I think they actually scrapped it because of the lack of drama. So it’s crazy to me that this was Zanab’s ace in the hole.

[@janeeneebaneenee]

LMFAO His face when the Title Page showed up 😂

[@RyuSaga99]

Kind of reminds me of Darcey. She was distorting and pulling out issues out of small things. Yea Cole definitely made some inappropriate comments and acted like a goofball the entire season. His lack of awareness and his little jokes did not help her insecurities. Having said that, even before i saw the cuties scene, his clueless reaction to the accusations and his disbelief seemed genuine to me.

[@night_Lee]

agreed, in the end did Cole deserve to be insulted on his wedding day publicly, have ppl clap for Zae and the group bashing on the reunion? NO

[@rubiirae]

I think Darcey did it for TV, whereas Zanab has this victim mentality and want the world to feel sorry for her.

[@aminahmalikah]

I think Cole picked up that something was wrong but he felt uncomfortable and didn’t know how to navigate something like that

[@peachyy666]

I swear this "cuties" scene will be iconic in reality tv. The amount of hype for this scene is incredible, especially because of the dynamic. All those women and most of the other guys ran to her aid and went along with the narrative of Cole being a bad guy; him desperately pleading to everyone that it wasn't true. Its rare to actually SEE how complicated disordered thinking can make a situation.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Yeah adding that 2 minute scene was a genius move by producers. Everyone would've moved on a long time ago.

[@cookiecookielookies]

True but tbh I knew something was off about her at the wedding. She wanted to destroy his self esteem that day and in front of everyone. That's just such a mean thing. Deepti had it much worse than Zanab, and she didn't do any of that. Before the wedding, I was fooled by her though bc while she is naggy, it's not as bad as Cole constantly saying she's not his type,etc.

[@berlizgonzalez6736]

I was team Zay up until this point. Her statement was that he wanted to control what she ate and made comments in what she's eating with the intention of getting her to restrict her eating. If that was true, Cole was controlling. But it's obvious that she interpreted the cuties scene as him withholding food. When in fact she was withholding food all on her own and probably wished he would acknowledge it and help her, but instead he was oblivious to her eating disorder and she took that as enabling it.

[@j.g.4246]

Totally agree! I think this scene shows a lot of miss communication. Maybe in another setting where they had more time to know each other (both lights and shades), this would have played differently. Having had an eating disorder in the past, I can see her reaction as normal in that mindset… I don’t like people making her problem with food not a big deal, when probably it is a huge thing for her self-stem and life experience. He did not know that he triggered her with those comments and sadly there was not resolution after, so that is her truth 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@jonasadams3173]

Help her by…offering her a Poke bowl earlier that day, for example? Because he did. And she refused it while trying to hold him accountable for her deciding not to eat all day. Something he didn’t know about until she told him, which tells us that he explicitly did not withhold food or scrutinize her for overeating. If you mean professional help, she already got on his case for assuming any behavioral or personality disorders based on her actions and patterns of behavior. What kind of help are you talking about

[@CaulkMongler]

People with ED will see people encouraging increased intake as “controlling”

[@inukimeko]

Whoa. Great point. Very introspective. Because she says “I could talk about it, but probably shouldn’t.” Meaning she does want to talk about with him. Or at least wants him to acknowledge something is wrong and act concerned. And so, he’s the villain for not doing so.

[@mostafasolaiman349]

Not to turn this into a gender discussion, but I feel like people blindly side with women and men are guilty until proven innocent. We could say this is an ED thing, but she also seemed to lie about him getting a girls number at the bachelor party where there were ZERO women and she completely humiliated him at the alter. I feel like she has deeper issues than just ED. I don't think this was a mix up about eating habits. It seems like she has a deep seated victim issue and she is ready to vilify anyone who sets off those feelings even if its not justified.

[@aliye1392]

I think cole got really lucky finally with this scene, the scene was a total clear up for him. Like I can see the reaction video and the doctor here going over each moment and expecting some misunderstanding at some point or like maybe cole acted insensitive in some way (which he could be sometimes) as most of us were expecting hearing zay speaking but no his reactions clarified him, he looked genuine about dinner excitement then genuine about why she didn't eat and even genuine that he wasn't even inside her diet plan or so even she stated clearly that she doesn't wanna talk about it. He may have some growing to do but he didn't deserve that attack he received in the reuinion. Zay said herself that this scene will show how bad cole is and if it didn't so really it is how sensitive she actually is talking.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Imagine if they didn't show it, he'd be forever villafied

[@aliye1392]

@@Aaron-kj8dv I can see how toxic feminisim would have made the public lash out on him and even people who would have tried to be neutral would have been accused of so much stuff. However, seriously even as a woman I was on his side before seeing the cuties scene like he acted immature and may need to be more careful with what he says, etc. but she was so much pain to hear and see all over, her aggressive way is too much for anybody to handle especially when u r trying so much and the aggressiveness just break ur heart and soul the way she used to do it. It was so clear how much insecure she was with everything and it was so clear she may have misunderstood/misinterpreted his actions. Seeing the last scene just made her lose any credibility to her views, the situation is not even open for misunderstanding but she still managed to misunderstand it so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[@Lynsey17]

I kind of think the decision to air this was at least partially due to everyone on season 2's reunion saying Shake got a good edit and was so much worse in reality. I think this time they were like "Oh, we got receipts." I am sure Zay feels her version is the truth, but I kind of suspected it was BS because this season lacked a villain and if Cole really was terrible they would have shown more of it. Pretty sure the editors were in tears when Andrew showed up and, despite having issues with Bartise, Nancy was like "Nope, no regrets."

[@cookiecookielookies]

@@Aaron-kj8dv Nah, I still think she was wrong during her wedding. Many ppl saw that too. She overexaggerated that time too.

[@Antibeautyguru]

I feel like the producers got ticked off that she was basically talking crap about them for not using the scene so they said “you want it? Here.”

[@andaredvex]

And we even get a special outro after the midnight taping, haha. 'Everyone out there, until next time! And please take care of yourself, take care of others, think about your distortions, don't have things go over your head, talk to a therapist, heal from our issues because we all deserve it, we really, really do.'

[@rinesserin]

People can think Cole was dumb, immature, clueless or whatever else, but he was always honest about the shitty things he said. He didn't hide the conversation with Colleen, he owned the 9/10 comment, and the fact that he'd said she wasn't his usual type and he never denied the bipolar comment. Like there were things that he shouldn't have said, but he was always upfront about them. So I believe him when he says he apologised for the Colleen thing that night, I believe him when he says he didn't get a girl's number at the bachelor party and I believe him when he says that he didn't care what she ate. Zanab on the other hand, has consistently distorted things to fit her victim mentality. Cole also at least attempted to make changes when Zanab brought problems to him. We saw him repeatedly tell her how beautiful she was after the Colleen thing, whereas when he told her that he wanted to feel like she liked him, she immediately got defensive and started telling him that she was sweet to him all the time. Cole was also honest about who he was in the pods, whereas Zanab described herself as fun and spontaneous and then proceeded to be the exact opposite of that outside of the pods. In my totally unqualified, unprofessional opinion, Zanab has a lot of underlying issues and trauma that she needs to work through before she will be ready for a relationship. I think a marriage between Cole and Zanab would have been a disaster, but I think that Cole could be in a successful relationship now as long as he found a compatible person. Whereas I think even if Zanab found the most perfect man in the world, those deep rooted issues would still come in and ruin it if she doesn't do the work to overcome them.

[@altalune2064]

Perfect take

[@annajohnson8124]

It's clear Cole was worried about her appetite that day, not her figure. They had just eaten a whole bowl of cherries when she grabbed the tangerines. Since they were snacking together, and he saw her grab two, I'd assume he was asking if she was eating two or handing one to him, but when she made it clear she was eating both, he said, "Well, save your appetite. We've got reservations at this place that serves huge dinners." Then goes on about the massive plates, and was clearly excited about sharing this restaurant with her. Again, after they polished off a bowl of cherries with no comments. The thing is, Zanab was clear she doesn't listen to him, so I think she heard "Save your appetite," and quit listening because her mind distorted her to think the worst. This was the beginning of the relationship, and clearly her distortion snowballed from there, and she got the other girls worked up into it.

[@Angeliccooke]

Poor Cole

[@moodycait]

I’m just now getting around to watching this season and have looked on Twitter to see what people were talking about with this particular season and discovered “cutie-gate”. One thing that entered my mind regarding Cole telling Zanab to save her appetite is this: imagine living with someone that has disordered eating but you aren’t entirely aware of that fact. What kind of excuses would they give you for why they aren’t eating a “full” meal with you? Perhaps “oh I had this or that before we came out so I’m not that hungry.” Now imagine you’re looking forward to a particular big meal and you want them to be able to share in that with you. You know they routinely “ruin their appetite” before dinner. So you tell them not to ruin their appetite on that occasion. Makes sense to me even though as far as I know, he’s never said she gave those excuses routinely. Just something I picked up on as a possibility with why he said the things he did in that moment.

[@ArijanaLukic]

🐼Cole offered her a Poké bowl this day but she refused and only had a banana and the peanut butter 🤷🏻‍♀. 🐼Also, the first day they woke up together, Cole went to the GYM. It had to be scheduled with production that he is going to exercise so she was aware of him waking up to go to the gym and he let her sleep that morning. So knowing this additionally to what was aired helps to know that it wasn't a silent treatment. 🐼Also, she said in an article that she DID NOT know that she had an eating disorder until she went to live with her mom after the show and her mom noticed that she was getting thin. She didn't even consult a therapist originally due to the eating problem. How Cole must be aware of her issues when she isn't aware of it herself? She never told him that she has issues with food. 🐼Is he lacking attunment, yes? BUT SHE isn't more mature emotionally by any sense of the word despite being older and isn't attuned to actual reality. Unfortunately, if women support themselves in their dysfunction it's called enablism, which is the part of the problem and it comes up in this show. True friends keep their friends accountable. It goes for men and should go for women as well.

[@jasperkanes8522]

where'd you hear all these details?

[@_crusoe]

He said on the latest podcast that he DID know she was sensitive around food/weight related issues.

[@lilyxo6914]

Wow very interesting input

[@WilliamsPinch]

🤌🏽this.

[@bobococo89]

YES SIS! Preach!!!!

[@Cahriicchuu]

OMG FINALLY. The teasing leading up to this scene! Excited to hear your thoughts Dr. Honda!

[@Vasilia4]

Honestly it was one big nothing-burger. She didn't lie about what he said, she just misrepresented the intention behind his words. Is that such a stretch? This is the name person who managed to negatively interpret "I'm having a good time"...

[@SzalonyKucharz]

@@Vasilia4 One big nothing-burger, ha! So she had more than just two Cuties, a scoop of peanut butter and a banana that day!

[@jclyntoledo]

😂😂 I mean idk I think it's funny a small clip could change everyone's mind but I was never with Zanab and her accusations sooo...

[@erikasigurdson312]

I used to work with exchange students, and would sometimes be called in to mediate conflicts or issues between the students and host families. That's where I learned, like you've said, that two people can have two radically different stories about the same interaction, and I rarely had a strong, definite sense of who was right or what had actually happened. I could hear one side of the story and be totally convinced, but then go talk to the other person, and be totally convinced all over again but their side. It was trippy, I had gone into that assuming that I was pretty good at judging people, but I really couldn't.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Cops say the same thing. I had a professor who was a former cop and he was telling us a story about people who witnessed a plane crash and they couldn't get a straight story and no one there had reason to lie or stretch the truth.

[@toonmili03]

I think she was distorting. From the first night she was distorting. Then when he said she was a nine it just reinforced her distortions and made her distort even more.

[@jesssc402]

I saw in an interview where Cole said that their thing was honesty in the relationship. He said that Zanab also told him many times that he wasn’t her type but he didn’t take it personally because she was being honest so him giving the 9/10 rating and what seemed to be constant reminder that Colleen was his type made sense.

[@msmendes214]

The thing that was interesting to me is how SURE she was that his intentions were to food/body shame her. Minus her experiences & being able to walk in her shoes, if it were *me* I'd take a second to think about it & maybe I was interpreting Cole wrong once he insisted he wasn't meaning anything bad by it. But she wasn't backing down, and THIS IS IT.

[@cristinalee3138]

As someone who has acted like Zae - calling it distortion is too generous in my opinion. I believe her intention was much more deliberate in her vilification of him. Either consciously or unconsciously for bruising her ego about the comparison with Colleen.

[@msmendes214]

@@cristinalee3138 I honestly think she was envisioning herself as the Deepti of this season. The scorned fiance whom, throughout the experience, learned her value- culminating in the wedding day rejection of her partner's criticism. Like, I almost think she was envisioning herself as Deepti since the moment Cole admitted attraction to Colleen

[@Vasilia4]

@@cristinalee3138 uhm this is the same person who negatively interpreted "I'm having a great time". Obviously Cole commenting on her own acting habits wasn't going to go over well

[@asunnywebb]

@@cristinalee3138 That's a good point. She could've chosen to take all those comments in the way they were intended. She intentionally chose to take even benign comments in a hateful way and went on a campaign to destroy him.

[@lynbattersby]

@@msmendes214 My thoughts exactly. She saw how validated and valued Deepti was and wanted in on that action. The only issue that gives me pause is that the two seasons were fixed back to back so Zanab couldn't have known what was going down with Deepti. However, by the reunion all bets are off and she went in hard.

[@clandestine73647]

THANK YOU, Dr. Honda! As someone with an eating disorder (2.5 years in recovery!!), the comment about the cuties would have triggered me prior to treatment. Although I don’t believe I would have had the distortion Zanab had, it could have still led me to an unhealthy behavior. I think preexisting “issues”, Cole’s naivety, and Cole’s comments about Colleen’s & Zanab’s appearance, resulted in Zanab’s massive distortion. There is so much nuance to this situation, and I appreciate you highlighting it. Ultimately, I think Cole & Zanab were not a good match, and I hope they both find happiness & health.

[@spezy93]

I am from one of those families where they say ‘don’t ruin your appetite’. I remember all the time as a kid smelling the food and feeling so hungry and thinking it always took fooooooorever for food to be ready and I would ask for food and being told I would ruin my appetite. Even as an adult visiting, since I’m an adult and can go get snacks on my own I’ll get a frown and comment ‘don’t ruin your appetite’. I am just saying because for me it never crossed my mind this isn’t something said in families so to see some comments where people found it an odd thing to say blew me away.

[@SunshineJoleen]

My ex husband did this once. I was hungry, he was cooking but I knew the meal wouldn't be ready fast enough. I made something else to eat that would be quicker... he had a meltdown and said, among other things, that his mom always said to "Wait for your dinner!" I was shocked, because initially that sounded like child abuse to me. Letting a child go hungry? What?! Then it occurred to me that maybe, as a child, he would often want to eat for reasons other than hunger. Like... because the cookies were _there_ . And his mom was probably trying to ensure he ate a more wholesome diet. I on the other hand come from an economic and cultural background where snacking was not really common. My mother was more concerned about us having enough to eat than about us ruining our appetites. Plus, we typically wouldn't try to eat unless we were genuinely hungry... in which case a tuna sandwich now is better than spaghetti and meat sauce later. I fainted once at sports day and my mom was so relieved when the nurse asked if I'd eaten that morning because I'd had a decent breakfast. Hopefully all this explains my horror and incomprehension 20 years later when I discovered that my husband would rather me go hungry just so I could eat the specific meal he cooked. Note, in the cuties scene, Zanab looks through cupboards for a dish and starts eating fruit. She clearly plans to eat enough to be satisfied. Cole, on the other hand, starts idly eating fruit when Zanab does. He was not eating due to hunger, just because the fruit was _there_ and someone else was eating it. This says to me that _his_ appetite might be ruined but not hers. She was eating to survive, not just out of idleness. If anything _he_ should be the one who is told to "Wait for dinner!" But I have never, nor would I ever tell an adult not to eat, or to wait until later ..because eating is a bodily function to me... like breathing or going to the toilet. If someone doesn't do it when they need to, bad things might happen 🤷🏿‍♀️

[@jeans0130]

Yes especially if it's coming from family or friend. you can see that the intent is coming from a place of concern not a place of superiority. Also it's just a reminder not an order. As an adult, you can choose to ignore or take the reminder.

[@LK-rt9cb]

Yes, I grew up in the same kind of family, and it was all because my mom had to control everything about our lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if Z has a problem with feeling controlled too. “Are you going to eat both of those” is a strangely specific question and, unfortunately for Cole, can be interpreted as critical. Why DID he ask if she was going to eat both? Would one have been okay?

[@jennifervosler91]

This type of comment was made in my family too. And to add to it after the meal my Mom would ask us to finish something off so she could clean the bowl and not place in fridge as leftovers. Also if you took it and put it on your place you were expected to finish it and have a “happy plate”. So when I moved out I lost weight. And as an adult I do not put these on my kids. Even when we go to my Moms.

[@rubiirae]

@@SunshineJoleen I saw several comments of you and I'll say, I genuinely hope you get therapy on your underlying issues. Regarding to the cuties scene, I simply saw it as Cole not being aware that Zanab was in 'starvation' mode because she refused the poke bowl he offered and he assumed she has eaten more something else before them sharing the bowl of fruit. I grew up in a family that rarely snack, we just indulge in 3 big meals everyday so I don't find any issue with the 'don't ruin your appetito' comment. Every time we go to buffet or all you can eat restaurants, we would skip lunch just so we can eat more during dinner. Not because we're self conscious of our weight or want to torture one another to go hungry, but we just don't have a massive appetite and get full easily. Also we don't just eat to survive, we treat meal time as social gatherings. The whole cuties scene just scream miscommunication between both ends, not Cole viciously trying to control what Zanab eat and trying to make her starve before dinner. The comment about 'don't ruin your appetito' came before Zanab explains that she only eaten a banana and some PB that day, and then Cole didn't stop her from eating the cuties knowing she's hungry. I guess just like Zanab, if you have some deep rooted issues, anything can be seen as red flag and trigger.

[@Kim-cj2fl]

my take on this whole situation is that Cole expressing that he was more attracted to Colleen, and Zenab seeing Colleen’s body (which is smaller than hers), has created this spiral for her leading to restricting food because she thinks that would make Cole be more attracted to her (which he has never said). Cole is just sitting here like “why wouldn’t you be eating?” but in her mind he’s telling her that she needs to be skinnier

[@francescalittle]

I think this is such an important point to think about when interpreting the Cuties scene. She already had insecurities about her body, so when Cole rated both Colleen (who has a thin dancer's body) and Raven (who is very fit) as 10s, and Zanab as 9, I could see how she would start to doubt her body and be triggered by what he said. Those two really were not a good match. He was very insensitive and she had a lot of insecurities. They were both problematic which is why it doesn't make sense to take sides. She clearly distorts a lot of things, but as Dr. Honda points out, if it is the reality she perceives, you can't call it lying.

[@asunnywebb]

@@francescalittle There's a very fine line between distortion and lying sometimes. She did both. She was intentional at times.

[@francescalittle]

@@asunnywebb I think she really believed what she said. I don't think she was intentionally lying in cutie-gate and Dr. Honda does a good job explaining how she could have distorted what happened. I'm not sure what to make of the Bachelor party controversy. I know people said she lied, but I've seen multiple post reunion interviews where the other cast members have backed her. Brennan and Bartise confirm that they went out. Matt also confirmed it (during and interview with Colleen) but said he didn't join them because he felt too dirty after the bachelor party. I don't see much incentive for these 3 guys to lie, so there is a good possibility that Cole was lying. Neither Cole nor Zanab are reliable historians.. but for different reasons.

[@titus5920]

Exactly. Imagine your new fiance rating 40% of the group as more attractive than you.

[@BananaTPie]

She’s barely smaller. When Cole said all that it was after Zanab had been passive aggressive and slouchy around him. Her energy was ugly. Again, Zanab barely had a different body than Colleen. It’s assumption, because he never said it outright in comparing her to Colleen, but a smiling face is more comforting to look at for someone that likes to joke and smile. I think that’s what he meant.

[@xFailage]

All hell broke loose with this footage!! I felt like it broke the internet / social media for at least a few weeks. Thanks Dr Honda for this!!

[@amariebloom]

It totally did! I’m so glad that’s it finally dying down

[@bigwhy6845]

Dr. Honda is better at teasing than a burlesque dancer. The long awaited scene.

[@Alumnia91]

"It's a serving." - This sentence felt so off to me. Like she counts cherries and tangerines to control her own calories? Because I would never think to count the calories or think of what is a serving when it comes to fruits. I get it you count it if you have some health issues but coming from Zanab it feels like that her body image issues and dieting is taking up a lot of her thinking. Which I understand as someone with disordered eating and ai feel sorry for her.

[@jasperkanes8522]

I also found that response odd and potentially telling. I had no idea what a serving of cuties was before she said that lol A serving to me is either 1 unit or as many as I feel like eating because I've never bothered to find out

[@piaschmidt7357]

She said in another interview that she suffered from an ED before and that she blames Cole for triggering that again. Point is, she most likely has a history of counting and weighing what she eats and when

[@Alumnia91]

@@piaschmidt7357 If she was aware I find it wrong from her to go into the show, Netflix casting her or not getting a doc to talk with her then ofc she blames Cole. She shouldn't have been on the show to begin with.

[@ARS-fn6px]

@@Alumnia91 most of them shouldnt have been on the show to be fair.

[@rubiirae]

I'm into body building and quite conscious about macro's and caloric intake, but even for me have no clue what a serving of cuties should be...Zanab definitely reads the nutrition labels of anything and everything she eat.

[@lavinder11]

I watched an interview with Cole. He said they both agreed to say no but continue dating and that's partially why he was so shocked by what she said at the altar.

[@ractio78]

Can we also point out, when Zanab repeats the story out loud, she changes the tones both of them had. She makes Cole sound viscious and mean (which it's possible in her heard it sounded that way) but she also makes herself sound like she was just speaking with a normal tone when she was very condescending and kind of malicious herself with the way she was speaking to him. She also left out when she said "its a serving is that okay with you" when she repeats the story all she says that she said to him was "that's a serving" and doesnt add on the things she said (or he said) after. It could just be that there was a lack of memery on her part, but it felt intentional on the way she changed things in her story when it came to the way she changed their tones

[@EmpressEllie]

Zanab’s original “apology” : “Cole, I fought for us until I couldn’t anymore. I know you know that. I know you know why I said what I said. I know you know what you did. It’s ok if you aren’t ready to talk about that yet. An apology for the internet: I am sorry. I’m sorry you weren’t in that relationship. I’m sorry you didn’t feel what I felt. I’m sorry we don’t have the same triggers. I’m sorry me standing up for myself, offended you so greatly. I’m sorry you didn’t see all the reasons for what I said. I’m sorry you didn’t live that with me. I’m sorry that you don’t know me. I’m sorry your insecurities are different than my own. I’m sorry your online hate says so much more of you than it ever will of me. I’m sorry Deepti’s wedding was a week before mine, long before you or I knew her story. I’m sorry you are attacking my faith. I’m sorry you don’t believe me. I’m sorry I know how worthy I am. I’m sorry you have the time to be a keyboard warrior. I’m sorry I’m not a paid actress. I’m sorry I can’t cry on demand. I’m sorry you feel manipulated, gaslit and played. I’m sorry I’m your villain. I’m sorry I’m your bad guy - I promise you I’m not. One thing about me, I choose my words carefully and I stand by everything I said." (grabbed from elsewhere so I’m not sure if it’s totally complete) Now… after reading that… is that someone who takes accountability? Where would this apology stand in line with Dr Honda’s guideline for apologies? I read it and personally was like…. Okay that is really bad energy. Those are not the words of someone who is sorry. Would love to hear everyone else’s thoughts

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

I like my women to be both self righteous AND a perpetual victim. Such a nice mix.

[@EmpressEllie]

@@Aaron-kj8dv bwahaha. Right?

[@patricia247able]

She has undiagnosed issues and yes, she wants to lose weight but she's an extremist, that's not Coles fault. She laid on the sympathy seeking really thick. The way she dismissed her step mother while trying on her wedding dress really hurt my heart. It was an indication of who she really is.

[@bobococo89]

Do you know she's editted that 4 or 5 times? To make her look less of a vile human? She's disgusting.

[@CpT_PrInCeSs]

@@patricia247able True! Like I understand she was hurting but at the same time not once did she acknowledge her stepmom and thanked her for being there.

[@nunya9797]

“I didn’t realize I’d have so much to say about the last episode” WE DID! and we’ve been dying to have you review this specific scene 😂

[@MrMomjid]

I felt bad for Cole! Having a son the same age as Cole, I think he was just being silly and playful and she was just more mature than him. I’m glad she rejected him because he deserves someone who gets his playful charm and isn’t condescending at every turn.

[@Ceceb22]

Not me checking throughout the day to see if it’s been posted yet…can’t wait to listen!

[@thatlibrariangirl]

I was doing the same lol!

[@SaraLim]

Waiting for this reaction to the cuties scene has truly been a test of character and patience for me 😂

[@jeremysmith9694]

The therapist knows best how to build your character haha.

[@InvisibleBlues]

I have been WAITING AND WAITING; this might as well be CHRISTMAS

[@basiccaucasian6234]

Same! We are totes healthy and differentiated now that we have passed the test. 😁

[@theveteransergeant]

It isn't clear if she intentionally distorted anything, but it certainly proves that she is an unreliable narrator. I'm guessing the reason they showed it was thay Zanab accused the show of concealing emotional abuse, and the reality was that there was nothing remarkable about the Cuties conversation, and it certainly wasn't an example of the supposed abusive behavior or Cole trying to control what she ate.

[@Eddybaby01]

Before I watch this. Just want say thankful dr. For finally posting it 😭😭 the suspense was no joke

[@AnimalsDressedasHumans]

Some say she at least isn’t a liar bc she described the scene to a T. However, some might say partial information can be seen as a lie. She omitted the part where he expressed concern about how little she ate and how he offered her more food at breakfast.

[@dawntaylor8749]

"The Cuties, tangerine, mandarin situation..." You crack me up every time you say that 😂😂😂😂

[@EmpressEllie]

So much feels missed here… I don’t even know if I can point it out myself… For example: -She says all she ate was bananas and a scoop of peanut butter. In the cuties scene, she pulls a bowl of cherries or something from the fridge and they both start eating them. This is omission that she ate more than the cuties. -Dr H claims Cole says he never said that… Cole actually says he never cared about what she ate (or something similar) those are two different things entirely. Because though he did say the words she claims, the context in which he says it is the distortion for her. He said that because he was SO extremely excited for their massive upcoming feast. -Zanab says she didn’t have the opportunity to eat. Cole clearly says he offered her a poke bowl and she denied it because she had one yesterday. This is not him controlling her food, this is her controlling her food and blaming him. What else am I missing?? Please weigh in!

[@safalafagins]

That's super spot on. Thanks for summarizing that!

[@asunnywebb]

Great summary.

[@mferrariish]

Well to me it’s obvious she exaggerates for sympathy and in truth, she does have issues with food and she obviously passes judgement on herself and then blames others. She obviously ate more but she wants to punish him for her feelings of inadequacy because she thinks he doesn’t find her attractive or overweight when in reality, that’s what she thinks of herself. And I would put money on it that she KNOWS her issues started long before Cole but she chose to “single handedly” blame him for her lack of self confidence and that’s why I think she’s a manipulative pos. You’d think that after watching yourself on tv and hearing feedback, you’d go “huh? Maybe I am distorted” and that’s why I think it’s not self awareness she lacks, she’s intentionally manipulative

[@lilyxo6914]

You can also add how she knows 2 cuties is a serving. Who truly sees oranges as a serving and who knows that at the top of their head? She clearly was already watching what she ate. Also she says “I could tell you why but that wouldn’t be appropriate” insinuating eating disorder

[@SunshineJoleen]

"She pulls a bowl of cherries and they both start eating..." You're missing the fact that she hadn't eaten and wanted to satisfy her hunger with a serving of cherries. Without being offered any, _he_ starts picking cherries out of her bowl. She then opts to supplement what he has taken with cuties... because she is legitimately hungry (he isn't... he is clearly just eating because she is). When she starts peeling the cuties he goes... "You going to eat _both_ of those?" He is not differentiated enough to realise that 1. He doesn't need to eat just because she is eating. 2. The fact that he had a poke bowl doesn't mean she did. They don't share a stomach, so their hunger / appetite is *different* 3. She's hangry. You're eating her food. Then telling her to stay hungry until dinner. Even if she didn't have body image issues, this is criminally clueless.

[@Mkay999]

I had the same reaction. I initially wholeheartedly believed her bc she was so clear what happened. Then when they aired it I think it was her reality of what happened due to her projection of insecurity. She knew she was filmed. No one would want to be projected as a liar and do that to themselves. She is very insecure

[@mizzviolets1499]

Zeinab just comes off as super passive aggressive and judgmental in general. I know she got issues, but I knew a girl like Zeinab and you just constantly feel criticized and put down. Cole dodged a bullet.

[@vattacukor]

Her aggression seems pretty active though, at least to me

[@TheMaltebella]

@@vattacukor To me too.

[@jamietigges2154]

This scenario is exactly what happened to my ex-fiance and I. We had a joking back and forth relationship, but she was also predisposed to eating disorders from a young age and never told me. So when I made a joke similar to "You're gonna eat that?" it started the spiral. In the end I was blamed for causing it and it took me a while to stop internalizing this and realize it wasn't my fault, I just wasn't sensitive enough to the signals to realize what was happening.

[@KikiMav]

I hope that watching this as an outsider was not triggering but on the contrary an opportunity to exercise empathy towards yourself.

[@Youokhun]

It’s great to have the unedited scene! Especially since every other scene is so heavily edited with music and jump cuts from one camera to another

[@Wc7823]

Yes! The fact that they didn’t even take time to edit it was better to me.

[@liannna212]

Honestly when I was watching the reunion I was believing her too. I was thinking how shocking that Cole was such an a.. hole. Until the cuties scene ofcourse. She is very convincing, manipiulative even. Now re watching this again after knowing the cutie scene makes me realise how deeply disturbed is that girl

[@eliana4049]

I have never commented so much under a video, but from someone who has had an eating disorder (not severe), I can see that Zanab found a way to 'rationalise' her disorder with Cole's comments. Cole is clearly someone who is completely unaware of eating disorders, but that's not a fault for which he deserved that humiliation at the altar. I hope Zanab seeks treatment because it's awful to feel like the way she feels, I can see so much of myself in her.

[@MyCookingAdventure16]

My boyfriend has a style of communication alike to Cole's and it used to affect me until in therapy we did the style communication test and I got to understand that he is just a little slow on understanding how he comes across

[@taraan3066]

Do you remember what the style communication test was called?

[@asho345]

That's interesting because it seem that Zay is the one who doesn't understand how she comes across. He asked her to be nicer and she had no idea where he was coming from.

[@ASirenSoliloquy]

I didn't think Cole had the forethought to be as manipulative as Zanab is alluding. I think a lot of it is her interpretation based on his comments about her and Colleen. She could have been more aware of her own insecurities and he could have been more careful with his wording. They really lacked communication. If she has a distortion that he is manipulating her food choices, his offering a poke bowl could be seen as a trap for her.

[@peppertea6050]

Thank you Kirk for rewatching and rewatching that scene! We have been waiting for this reaction since the finally aired and we appreciate you looking at this so thoroughly! This is the closure I needed for this couple.

[@mirtesangen690]

Thank you Dr. Honda for being so nuanced about this. Especially pointing out lying versus distortion. I am now 22 but looking back I recognize I have distorted alot. In specific, with situations with my parents. My parents fought a lot when I was young and I was really sensitive to that. That caused even more fights eventually leading to me having to move out. That was a huge rejection for me and created even more sensitivity on my part where even the smallest thing felt like rejection in interaction with them. I often got told that I was twisting facts but hearing you talk about it I see that it was distortion and just my reality. Fortunately, I learned a lot through therapy, and I now have a wonderful relationship with my parents. We don't have a proper word for distortion in Dutch, but it really clicks for me. Thank you.

[@Zaaraa_512]

Verdaaien of vervormen, is ook een tool in photoshop 😅 daar ken ik het van.

[@lilyxo6914]

Are you me? I feel like I’m the one who wrote this lol. I’ve gone through the same thing with my family and I’m the same age! I’m happy to hear that your relationship with your family has improved❤

[@MsSrushh]

Omggg been waiting for this since the reunion aired. Haven't watched it yet but, Thank you!!

[@AnimalsDressedasHumans]

This is a significant day in history

[@sheridaninnes5190]

Zanab is the perfect example of “if you can’t love yourself how can you love somebody else? ” she’s extremely moody, passive aggressive and almost defiant. She is so quick to talk down to him but makes a huge deal about how he talks to her? She’s insane.

[@yoyomabach4518]

Ladies and gents the time has come!

[@stardust5531]

🤣🤣🤣

[@eweezy55]

Hey doc, one thing you missed is Zay said "I hadn't had a chance to eat that day" which was a lie because Cole offered her food and he didn't even know she didn't eat. She definitely distorted the whole situation to manipulate everyone into making her the sympathetic one....smh....

[@NN-re7cy]

🎯

[@stanislavaivanova961]

This part changes the situation. And the other one is when she said she had eaten a banana for the whole day. Then he asked her why and assumed it was because of the bridal gown fitting.

[@toonmili03]

She's hiding that she has an eating disorder from the others

[@mitzifelix7966]

I caught that too. It’s a very big difference when you genuinely didn’t have a chance to eat Vs intentionally avoiding eating

[@EmpressEllie]

She also pulls a bowl of cherries or something from the fridge and eats those before the cuties

[@icarenotreally]

im sensitive to those kinds of comments about amount of food, and I would've been triggered by that initial comment but then that would've been my responsibility to make him aware or say something, not just continue to be passive aggressive and say things like "oh I could tell you but I shouldn't", and I would also have been comforted that he was at least showing signs of concern about me only eating a banana. cole is naive, but he is not malicious as she tries to make him look.

[@pippigreenheart]

Finally! This is why clarifying questions are so important. Clarify that you are hearing what the other person is trying to express, not your own delusions.

[@katherinecote-trotter3300]

An interesting difference between the recounting and actual footage of the cutie story is how zanaib changed her intonations. It might not be the most strong piece of data, but she adopts a more hurt or defenceless tone when voicing herself in the telling of the story, a more judgemental cole, and I’m reality, she seemed almost defensively angry.

[@Copper14]

I feel like Cole would ask her genuine questions because he was seeking to understand, but she was constantly passive aggressive. Part of me thinks Cole played up the joke-y tone as a coping mechanism to counteract her passive aggression because he never knew how she would react. I personally tend to joke more when I’m talk to someone that doesn’t seem like me, for some reason it makes me feel like I can gauge how receptive they are to talking to me by their reaction/response.

[@littlenatb88]

I'm willing to bet she was in a binge/restrict cycle long before she met Cole

[@cairafrank262]

It was very clear to me that in this relationship, the two of them had a dynamic that they both had come to understand. Cole was a youthful, light-hearted goofball, and Zay was more mature and serious person. They both understood this about each other and seemed to have accepted (and we’re willing to work on) the others mistakes and shortcomings, as all healthy couples do. Her decision to attack him and his character on their wedding day, and every day since, has everything to do with a wounded ego, and absolutely nothing to do with toxicity, or being abused in anyway. There was no communication, there were no signs, there was no attempt to address his “abuse”- it was just a complete attack on him in front of the world. That’s the saddest part to me. The fact that she’s so oblivious to the fact that she’s making it harder for women to speak out, who are actually going through a turbulent relationship. Her thought process reminds me so much of Jodi Arias it’s scary.

[@bobococo89]

So scary!

[@Sweetbunniez]

The simple truth is men date women hoping they never change. Women date men in hopes that he will change. Cole had a different idea of Zay. And Zay wanted to control her partner

[@alexdalton4535]

@@Sweetbunniez that seems like a huge generalization

[@CaulkMongler]

It’s just hurtful because I think from the start we all understood this dynamic - that she was the more emotionally mature one. And to see her do a complete 180 at the end and assassinate his character is just very… yucky to me. Just seeing her kinda dim his light bc he doesn’t understand what’s going on hurts cause I hate seeing peoples lights dimmed.

[@flameprincess7313]

Why do you say Zanab is more mature? Is boring and condescending the definition of maturity in your world?

[@haroldpinteresque4460]

One conversation with Zanab = 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Without the bell.

[@jerryhickey8563]

Love it!

[@jerryhickey4284]

Except Tyson wears gloves

[@albertroy5293]

LOL

[@lucylohan8894]

I suffer from an eating disorder, and I didn't take any thing from that!!! She definitely still seems distorted in my perception. He came off playful and not shaming in any kind of way. Also, I've been to many therapist, and none of them seemed to understand the eating disorder until I just went to a specialist it made a world of difference . So I don't know who needs to hear this. Find a specialist for eating disorders if you suffer from disordered eating!!!

[@MichelleCallahan]

I suffered from disordered eating years ago and find it hard to diet/talk about my portions because I can fall into those tendencies easily. Which.. whole other issue.. I didn't take anything from this either though. :|

[@paular5380]

Thanks for your thoughtful interpretation dr. Honda. I feel bad for Zanab who is clearly still suffering a lot from her childhood trauma but does not recognise and communicate her triggers. I remember she said she had never been in a serious relationship before and unfortunately I don't think she will be able to without therapy to help her recognise her distortions. She's gotten a lot of hate from this season, I think we should try our best not to add to it, she's human too and we've all had moments of distortion we aren't proud of. We're just lucky it isn't broadcast on camera to the world.

[@onyx9707]

which is exactly why she is getting the heat instead of calling it Hate! no one hates her, but hates her actions because what she did could have cost Coke is whole life if the scene was not shown.

[@paular5380]

I think that’s true of dr. Honda‘s comment section because I feel he attracts a more mature audience. I was more thinking about Instagram when I wrote my comment. I see lots of nasty comments on love is blind cast’s pics about zay.

[@onyx9707]

@@paular5380 she is reaping exactly what she has sown.

[@asunnywebb]

Does it really look like Cole is capable of behaving one way on camera and another off camera? I don't think he's capable of that level of machinations.

[@bookbag6432]

Exactly, without the producers ever catching it on camera? Or hot mic? I doubt it.

[@Ysmir.]

Everyone is capable of that. Not saying that in a bad way, just everyone WILL behave at least a little differently when there is a camera and therefore a public to everything they do and say.

[@RockyDaTherapist]

😊 Dr. Honda saying he’s a night owl he’s up until 1AM is a vibe. LoL I remember when you didn’t even get to the club until 12. 😅

[@s.melonita4454]

That was so cute. I’m a night owl, I stay up until 3 or 4 am 🤣

[@megans3876]

Eight minutes in, and I love how Dr. Kirk is going through this Cuties scene like it's the Zapruder film!

[@wilbyjeffery9078]

Lmao it makes no sense to stop every 5 seconds to speculate and then 5 seconds later it changes your initial perception

[@STasugx]

Sometimes I just wish he could watch an entire scene and THEN react. He tends to rant.

[@Fit_pharmacist]

@@STasugxthat’s his style though. Analysis often requires multiple viewings of data before you can reach a solid conclusion anyway. He’s just thorough and we love Dr. H!

[@autumnlover5784]

C U T I E S G A T E !!! Has finally started…. lets Go!!

[@cottonblosssom]

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for!

[@aliaswired]

As always Dr. Honda I appreciate how you open my mind to both sides. And also thank you for reminding me that I come in with my own lens and that is not the only way to see something, even something as clear as a video. When I watched the scene I NEVER picked up on the possible triggers for Zay around food. My lens with watching the scene was around Zay’s behavior that was triggering for me. To me, again because of my history (likely around my father and ex-husband), I felt that she was quietly hostile and belittling, and I am currently having a bit of a physiological reaction all over again. I *think I can relate to Cole (or maybe I’m projecting) in the sense that I think everything is fine and maybe am excited, then all of a sudden I’m met with a reaction (passively or overtly angry) that makes me doubt my reality. Your point about this (re: us having different histories and triggers) is likely why at the end of the day we still have two camps of Cole = bad guy and Zay = bad guy, as demonstrated by the commenter who had two friends who came away with the conclusion that Cole was in the wrong and they thought it was Zay. I’m now in the camp that wishes them both healing and happiness and deserving of great things.

[@Ununpentium]

Thanks for your reactions and for this very in depth analysis. You deserve all the praise you get here!

[@ckwanita907]

The cuties clip seems to make it plain that zay has issues around food, and suffers from distortions sometimes. She seems like a very kind person, but not to herself. It's sad to see. Cole wasn't perfect by any means but you could imagine Zay distorting things no matter how healthy a relationship is. I hope she gets a good therapist so she can be happier!

[@annikeellis8087]

I think Dr. Honda gives Zanab a little too much grace. And I don't recall him ever mentioning that Zanab doesn't exhibit warmth towards Cole

[@axl8603]

Totally blows the question if she would eat both out of proportion by overanalyzing it and suggestion Cole was meaning it hurtful after the conversation makes it totally clear he‘s coming from a place of worry and excitement for the big dinner.

[@piaschmidt7357]

I think in general, we are conditioned to be a bit softer towards women. There are a lot of things that are normalized. Many people view it as normal when the woman in the relationship shows no warmth but when the man is like that it doesnt go unnoticed. Just my opinion though

[@maarleyjedermann3174]

@@axl8603 Also, he *doesn't know* that she hasn't eaten and immediately changes his tone when he finds out.

[@wilbyjeffery9078]

Way too much grace

[@dazedconfuseds]

He gives her grace cos she is human. We all make mistakes. Like he gives MATT grace. If he didn't or couldn't, he would be a awful therapist cos how can you help someone you dislike or think is despicable

[@sayhirachel]

I feel so bad for the guy. He's trying to plan this positive experience around her family and she is basically shooting it down and then proceeds to just criticize every single thing that comes out of his mouth. Like she seems like she literally can't stand him and he's trying to be playful about it but its just soul crushing.