Put on Your Attachment Hat & Change your Romantic Attachment Style | Ashley Harvey | TEDxCSU

[@morenakmatjila]

For me (secure yet anxiously leaning) with my ex Avoidant it came down to two questions that came from the same root of the fear of abandonment within the both of us, for the anxiously attached it's 'why won't they let me love them?' And for the avoidantly attached 'why do they love me so much?'. Once these questions are triggered, both seek to answer the questions (independently) usually leading to the unfortunate suffocation of the relationship. If introspection happens during the time apart after the cessation of the relationship, it can produce the most profund healing of each of the two's attachment styles.

[@mysterions13]

Hello, I read what you shared, then read it again. Well said, thank you. I'm currently working on healing & growing in a relationship where I'm an anxiously attached guy with an avoidant female partner... We are in now in therapy together & doing our best to listen, shift & grow. Cheers

[@Curiouskitty-bu7hc]

How’s it going in therapy?

[@FRFrass]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

[@niteshj_]

wow! so many lessons here at so many levels .. * relating speaker's 'fear of good enough' and 'fear of not being fast enough'; * how to positively support rather than say something that will amp up the anxiety * Love that you covered both the anxious and avoidant spectrum - thankyou x100 for that. Avoidant people always get a bad rap as the villains of the world :-Z * Secure people regulate how much they are sharing based on how much the other person is sharing (Anxious = over sharing; Avoidant = not sharing much) * and the icing - in conflict they are out to understand more than they are out to win! WOW!!! Life changing stuff right there ..

[@stevenp25100]

Missed communicating your distress as anger. Responsibility is on both sides

[@SethNobrega]

If you’re a Secure attachment being with a DA is definitely not worth it; especially if they have no interest in growing.

[@evadebruijn]

​@@SethNobregaI wonder if the secure person did not have some anxious tendencies, would they be attracted to a dismissive avoidant person in the first place? Since it is an energetic 'dance'/ dynamic. People seem to forget that what they are attracted to says all about themselves. So instead of picking on dismissive partners, the anxious people need to take a look at their own subconscious fears around intimacy and commitment, anyway finger pointing is not constructive at best and unfair at worst.

[@lnzprazak2711]

I recently went through the attachment theory workbook. Interesting to see this right after. ALL making so much sense now.

[@dankingsbury9971]

Get a tandem! That worked for my relationship😉

[@andreaexceedsrubies]

Thank you, Ashley! Fearful avoidant style and makes so much sense and looking forward to therapy so I can feel secure intrinsically without over-reliance on treating myself based upon how others respond to me and codependency.

[@shoestring9964]

Distress, support, relief, repeat.

[@jhsporty]

Harmon Disharmony Repair

[@DeniseSkinner68DeniseSkinner68]

Thank you very much I enjoyed that video

[@aprilmalcolm3848]

Great talk by Dr. Harvey. Sharing her personal example made the information super relatable.

[@dbunnysport]

Very sweet to hear her interaction with her husband. I sure wish I knew these things a million years ago :)

[@peteradams3995]

What a great explanation of attachment styles and how to use that information! Thanks.

[@MrChristianArguello]

Great talk! My most recent relationship could've been saved if we had the language to communicate better. Or maybe not, who knows! Either way, I plan to enter my next relationship with these things in mind.

[@jenniferjoseph7570]

This was so good and enlightening. Does this mean that the anxious attachment folks are usually more passionate? Can we say that? Also for the avoidant folks, do they have needs? I’m struggling to imagine a possible need they might have (which their partner could solve/fix for them) Once again, thank you for this.

[@Dd94949]

For anxious it's always about the relationship. For avoidant it's generally about performance. Its predictable then that he would ride ahead of her. Also predictable that they would be doing an activity not in her "wheel house" that she doesn't really enjoy - she's there to spend time with him, not to exercise or race. Why weren't they doing an activity she liked? Would she have ever left him behind? Why would she marry him? The pursue withdraw cycle exemplifies a human paradox. Women "admire" the absence of emotion in men, and men the presence of emotion in women...until they don't. These characteristics, originally produce curiosity and attraction, but later become problems. They were there in the courtship phase but were ignored. People who deeply understand this see it as predictable.

[@bryse000]

I've seen your other comment here. Are you a psychologist?

[@Dd94949]

​@@bryse000definitely not. Just fascinated by attachment theory. I took a program where they called it "hidden in plain sight". They also say "behavior is a window" - meaning what's really driving the bus is emotion. It's how we learn to deal with intense emotion when we're kids.

[@jhsporty]

@@Dd94949it’s a subconscious program, yes from childhood and also from past experiences. She is correct it is a need (seen, heard, and understood) not met. It can be rewired to be secure. It’s human to want to recreate and heal, in a way we do pick the right person to trigger the wounds, challenge core beliefs, false truths, etc. sometimes we find a match to work through them and sometimes not.

[@colleenacupuncture]

@Dd94949 can you share the name or website of the program, please? Your description of what happened fascinates me.

[@Dd94949]

@@colleenacupuncture ​@colleenacupuncture Hi Colleen. 2 books I would recommend are "raising a secure child" and "I didn't sign up for this". If you're brave you could read a general theory of love, or listen to your brain on love. Lots of good books but really it comes down to the core of our personalities and what makes us tick. Deeply engrained patterns that helped us survive and adapt to our families and the unconscious expectations put on us. Happy reading 🙂

[@mdhbigdog]

I'm glad her husband was supportive of her riding the bike at her own pace. I would call him "Papa Wheelie."

[@allisonewens4036]

Thank really enjoyed the way u presented attachment styles here it's so important knowing which attachment type I relate too to change the patterning of pursuing withdrawing game of needs when I know my needs speak them I risk knowing what secure attachment is all about by meeting my own needs asking sharing my needs in a new loving place within me changes everything about my relationship

[@marianaciocan6513]

Really beautiful said 😍 thank you so much for this short summary of this instance ❤

[@nandohernz2254]

So much valuable information. Thank you.

[@lauraresau2170]

Wonderful talk-- incredibly useful in a marriage!

[@seancampbell9689]

This was so valuable to me, thanks very much 🙂

[@kristinej.4182]

I’m definitely a fearful avoidant. Would like to be secure.

[@m.suzanneblack-bytheway6335]

I really liked this especially how you explained the relationships and how to interact. Can I get the Transcription for this?

[@mukarugwizamerci1487]

real Talk, want first to bring my hand together, for Dr Ashley Harvey, you nailed it for sure! cant count how many times I watched this videomail really need a supportive patner💕💕,how can we get this transcription,plz Dr. Thank you!

[@debrasnook4714]

One option I use zoom account - turn on transription and play video's for transcription.

[@jqthegirl]

Try gamma

[@tomlehmann306]

My anxious attachment style just ruined a relationship with a dream woman for me. I truly hate myself right now

[@holls273]

Here’s the thing about anxious attachment type, we think it’s always all our fault, when really it’s actually both parties involved. It’s tough for us as anxious people, but it’s truly a lie to think it’s 💯 our fault when others avoid.

[@Squirrel-zq6oe]

Bro I'm sorry! The same thing has happened to me, except I never actually got to the point of being in the relationship, which might actually be for the better I'm over here learning as much as I can to try to make sure that I don't end up messing this one up that I finally have decided I want after 5 years.

[@MaryDerlacki]

I hear you. Do something to adjust your attachment style. You can do it!

[@agataseceleanart9820]

If a door doesn't open, it's not your door ! Don't blame yourself. It's hard to ruin he right thing. ​@@holls273

[@susiemac900]

I recommend a tandem! Sorted out roadbike date tantrums so well we ended up cycling from Vancouver to Mexico and I only got off and walked once, up a very long Californian hill. Thank you for your talk. Loved it.

[@h82fail]

Awesome, always wanted get a tandem. How did the stoker deal with not being in control, because I feel like that would be the biggest thing to overcome? I would gladly be the stoker but they don't really make any small in front and large in back, they are all the opposite.

[@susiemac900]

Ah, now that was the biggest challenge. I was stoked, my husband was pilot. If we tried to swap round, I wasn’t strong enough to keep the bike straight with his weight on the back, so it does have to be the bigger person on the front. I had a word with myself and then with my husband- I told him that he had to say whenever there was a bump coming up etc so I didn’t get a bruised bottom, and I had to realise that I trusted him, and I would follow him anywhere. Ok the back you get to navigate, chose lunch spots, eat snacks, and take photos, so it comes with advantages!

[@h82fail]

@@susiemac900Thank you!

[@harithasuriyaarachchi1532]

Wonderful talk it really helps me.

[@fotografkirstenadler5097]

Loved this 🙏🏻

[@the.marriage.coach.youtube]

Thanks so much! ❤

[@investertiger3777]

Her body language was that of a child, not sure if that was on purpose but it helped to visualise her point.

[@Dd94949]

Nope not on purpose! Part of who she is I imagine. It's why her husband loves her and is simultaneously sometimes annoyed with her (and she with herself). An endearing quality to be sure that brings along other challenges, likely with being assertive and boundary setting.

[@s.eddasigurjons]

​@Dd94949 - I'm really curious to ask you (since I saw you recommend books on another comment here). Are there any books or other you recommend about body language? Just this comment of yours about the topic got me really interested in diving in and learning more about this....

[@lilac624]

I have avoidant attachment style because of narcissistic abuse

[@wildewildestrawberries]

Great talk.

[@yourfinancialcoach_ph]

Oh I love this

[@soniyabajaj6757]

Thank you 😊💙

[@Anna-j7i9e]

Thank you - well done😊

[@mariaahlinmoen6951]

Thank you, really relatable and useful!

[@farzanehjavan2924]

" take risk and share attachment fear or style" what if I could have learned this advice years ago

[@tproudboomer5965]

Which one is the man, Maya or Gabi? I’m confused.🤔

[@Iam_Queen22]

❤

[@nikkigreen1854]

❤❤❤❤

[@michaeldill7620]

Just get an E bike and make him chase you?

[@yogawitch3]

Why didn’t you use a tandem bike?

[@wendi2819]

Yuck. Unless just small rides on one's block. They really get old quick.

[@kimyoung4908]

I think you missed the point😂

[@shoestring9964]

Purse, withdraw.

[@misterx3188]

16:45 - Get an e-bike.

[@banseb3r718]

Why would anyone wear a skirt over pants?

[@tinamarie8061]

Those are leggings and that’s the way they are actually supposed to be worn. Leggings were never meant to be worn as pants. Leggings are a form of under garments like panty hose with no feet. Ppl started wearing them as pants and we can’t get rid of it now 😂

[@Smith-Angels]

tedious, and the example couple you used bears no resemblance to most of our families.

[@bryse000]

You mean, you do not relate to the example couple.