Put on Your Attachment Hat & Change your Romantic Attachment Style | Ashley Harvey

Put on Your Attachment Hat & Change your Romantic Attachment Style | Ashley Harvey | TEDxCSU

Рет қаралды 256,190

Күн бұрын

In a talk that will leave you feeling both stirred up and optimistic, university professor and relationship educator Ashley Harvey shares five principles from attachment theory that you can use to understand and change your attachment style so that you can decrease conflict and increase connection in your romantic relationships. In a talk that will leave you feeling both stirred up and optimistic, university professor and relationship educator Ashley Harvey shares five principles from attachment theory that you can use to understand and change your attachment style so that you can decrease conflict and increase connection in your romantic relationships. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

Пікірлер: 69

@lnzprazak2711 6 ай бұрын

I recently went through the attachment theory workbook. Interesting to see this right after. ALL making so much sense now.

@nandohernz2254 7 ай бұрын

So much valuable information. Thank you.

@andreaexceedsrubies 7 ай бұрын

Thank you, Ashley! Fearful avoidant style and makes so much sense and looking forward to therapy so I can feel secure intrinsically without over-reliance on treating myself based upon how others respond to me and codependency.

@niteshj_ Жыл бұрын

wow! so many lessons here at so many levels .. * relating speaker's 'fear of good enough' and 'fear of not being fast enough'; * how to positively support rather than say something that will amp up the anxiety * Love that you covered both the anxious and avoidant spectrum - thankyou x100 for that. Avoidant people always get a bad rap as the villains of the world :-Z * Secure people regulate how much they are sharing based on how much the other person is sharing (Anxious = over sharing; Avoidant = not sharing much) * and the icing - in conflict they are out to understand more than they are out to win! WOW!!! Life changing stuff right there ..

@stevenp25100 10 ай бұрын

Missed communicating your distress as anger. Responsibility is on both sides

@SethNobrega 7 ай бұрын

If you’re a Secure attachment being with a DA is definitely not worth it; especially if they have no interest in growing.

@evadebruijn 5 ай бұрын

@@SethNobregaI wonder if the secure person did not have some anxious tendencies, would they be attracted to a dismissive avoidant person in the first place? Since it is an energetic 'dance'/ dynamic. People seem to forget that what they are attracted to says all about themselves. So instead of picking on dismissive partners, the anxious people need to take a look at their own subconscious fears around intimacy and commitment, anyway finger pointing is not constructive at best and unfair at worst.

@morenakmatjila 6 ай бұрын

For me (secure yet anxiously leaning) with my ex Avoidant it came down to two questions that came from the same root of the fear of abandonment within the both of us, for the anxiously attached it's 'why won't they let me love them?' And for the avoidantly attached 'why do they love me so much?'. Once these questions are triggered, both seek to answer the questions (independently) usually leading to the unfortunate suffocation of the relationship. If introspection happens during the time apart after the cessation of the relationship, it can produce the most profund healing of each of the two's attachment styles.

@mysterions13 4 ай бұрын

Hello, I read what you shared, then read it again. Well said, thank you. I'm currently working on healing & growing in a relationship where I'm an anxiously attached guy with an avoidant female partner... We are in now in therapy together & doing our best to listen, shift & grow. Cheers

@Dd94949 7 ай бұрын

For anxious it's always about the relationship. For avoidant it's generally about performance. Its predictable then that he would ride ahead of her. Also predictable that they would be doing an activity not in her "wheel house" that she doesn't really enjoy - she's there to spend time with him, not to exercise or race. Why weren't they doing an activity she liked? Would she have ever left him behind? Why would she marry him? The pursue withdraw cycle exemplifies a human paradox. Women "admire" the absence of emotion in men, and men the presence of emotion in women...until they don't. These characteristics, originally produce curiosity and attraction, but later become problems. They were there in the courtship phase but were ignored. People who deeply understand this see it as predictable.

@bryse000 7 ай бұрын

I've seen your other comment here. Are you a psychologist?

@Dd94949 7 ай бұрын

@@bryse000definitely not. Just fascinated by attachment theory. I took a program where they called it "hidden in plain sight". They also say "behavior is a window" - meaning what's really driving the bus is emotion. It's how we learn to deal with intense emotion when we're kids.

@jhsporty 7 ай бұрын

@@Dd94949it’s a subconscious program, yes from childhood and also from past experiences. She is correct it is a need (seen, heard, and understood) not met. It can be rewired to be secure. It’s human to want to recreate and heal, in a way we do pick the right person to trigger the wounds, challenge core beliefs, false truths, etc. sometimes we find a match to work through them and sometimes not.

@colleenacupuncture 6 ай бұрын

@Dd94949 can you share the name or website of the program, please? Your description of what happened fascinates me.

@Dd94949 6 ай бұрын

@@colleenacupuncture @colleenacupuncture Hi Colleen. 2 books I would recommend are "raising a secure child" and "I didn't sign up for this". If you're brave you could read a general theory of love, or listen to your brain on love. Lots of good books but really it comes down to the core of our personalities and what makes us tick. Deeply engrained patterns that helped us survive and adapt to our families and the unconscious expectations put on us. Happy reading 🙂

@peteradams3995 4 ай бұрын

What a great explanation of attachment styles and how to use that information! Thanks.

@wildewildestrawberries 7 ай бұрын

Great talk.

@shoestring9964 Жыл бұрын

Distress, support, relief, repeat.

@jhsporty 7 ай бұрын

Harmon Disharmony Repair

@DeniseSkinner68DeniseSkinner68 7 ай бұрын

Thank you very much I enjoyed that video

@aprilmalcolm3848 Жыл бұрын

Great talk by Dr. Harvey. Sharing her personal example made the information super relatable.

@marianaciocan6513 Ай бұрын

Really beautiful said 😍 thank you so much for this short summary of this instance ❤

@fotografkirstenadler5097 Жыл бұрын

Loved this 🙏🏻

@the.marriage.coach.youtube Жыл бұрын

Thanks so much! ❤

@allisonewens4036 6 ай бұрын

Thank really enjoyed the way u presented attachment styles here it's so important knowing which attachment type I relate too to change the patterning of pursuing withdrawing game of needs when I know my needs speak them I risk knowing what secure attachment is all about by meeting my own needs asking sharing my needs in a new loving place within me changes everything about my relationship

@lauraresau2170 Жыл бұрын

Wonderful talk-- incredibly useful in a marriage!

@seancampbell9689 6 ай бұрын

This was so valuable to me, thanks very much 🙂

@dankingsbury9971 6 ай бұрын

Get a tandem! That worked for my relationship😉

@MrChristianArguello 6 ай бұрын

Great talk! My most recent relationship could've been saved if we had the language to communicate better. Or maybe not, who knows! Either way, I plan to enter my next relationship with these things in mind.

@dbunnysport 5 ай бұрын

Very sweet to hear her interaction with her husband. I sure wish I knew these things a million years ago :)

@soniyabajaj6757 7 ай бұрын

Thank you 😊💙

@yourfinancialcoach_ph 11 ай бұрын

Oh I love this

@harithasuriyaarachchi1532 11 ай бұрын

Wonderful talk it really helps me.

@mariaahlinmoen6951 7 ай бұрын

Thank you, really relatable and useful!

@user-pr1pg1tq2e 7 ай бұрын

Thank you - well done😊

@m.suzanneblack-bytheway6335 Жыл бұрын

I really liked this especially how you explained the relationships and how to interact. Can I get the Transcription for this?

@mukarugwizamerci1487 Жыл бұрын

real Talk, want first to bring my hand together, for Dr Ashley Harvey, you nailed it for sure! cant count how many times I watched this videomail really need a supportive patner💕💕,how can we get this transcription,plz Dr. Thank you!

@debrasnook4714 10 ай бұрын

One option I use zoom account - turn on transription and play video's for transcription.

@susiemac900 10 ай бұрын

I recommend a tandem! Sorted out roadbike date tantrums so well we ended up cycling from Vancouver to Mexico and I only got off and walked once, up a very long Californian hill. Thank you for your talk. Loved it.

@h82fail 7 ай бұрын

Awesome, always wanted get a tandem. How did the stoker deal with not being in control, because I feel like that would be the biggest thing to overcome? I would gladly be the stoker but they don't really make any small in front and large in back, they are all the opposite.

@susiemac900 7 ай бұрын

Ah, now that was the biggest challenge. I was stoked, my husband was pilot. If we tried to swap round, I wasn’t strong enough to keep the bike straight with his weight on the back, so it does have to be the bigger person on the front. I had a word with myself and then with my husband- I told him that he had to say whenever there was a bump coming up etc so I didn’t get a bruised bottom, and I had to realise that I trusted him, and I would follow him anywhere. Ok the back you get to navigate, chose lunch spots, eat snacks, and take photos, so it comes with advantages!

@h82fail 7 ай бұрын

@@susiemac900Thank you!

@mdhbigdog 7 күн бұрын

I'm glad her husband was supportive of her riding the bike at her own pace. I would call him "Papa Wheelie."

@tomlehmann306 5 ай бұрын

My anxious attachment style just ruined a relationship with a dream woman for me. I truly hate myself right now

@holls273 3 ай бұрын

Here’s the thing about anxious attachment type, we think it’s always all our fault, when really it’s actually both parties involved. It’s tough for us as anxious people, but it’s truly a lie to think it’s 💯 our fault when others avoid.

@Squirrel-zq6oe 2 ай бұрын

Bro I'm sorry! The same thing has happened to me, except I never actually got to the point of being in the relationship, which might actually be for the better I'm over here learning as much as I can to try to make sure that I don't end up messing this one up that I finally have decided I want after 5 years.

@user-em8qf3hb5x Ай бұрын

I hear you. Do something to adjust your attachment style. You can do it!

@investertiger3777 8 ай бұрын

Her body language was that of a child, not sure if that was on purpose but it helped to visualise her point.

@Dd94949 7 ай бұрын

Nope not on purpose! Part of who she is I imagine. It's why her husband loves her and is simultaneously sometimes annoyed with her (and she with herself). An endearing quality to be sure that brings along other challenges, likely with being assertive and boundary setting.

@s.eddasigurjons 6 ай бұрын

@Dd94949 - I'm really curious to ask you (since I saw you recommend books on another comment here). Are there any books or other you recommend about body language? Just this comment of yours about the topic got me really interested in diving in and learning more about this....