Attachment theory is the science of love | Anne Power | TEDxWaldegrave Road

NOTE FROM TED: This talk only represents the speaker's personal views and understanding of the nervous system and attachment. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com/tedx/manuals/t...
Attachment theory now has a global reach through social media and provides insights and
support to individuals, parents, couples and professionals who provide care. This talk tells
the story of attachment theory’s emergence in 1950s London and provides three key takeouts from John Bowlby’s thinking:
• All behaviour makes sense in context
• Security enables curiosity
• Learning to regulate our feelings gives us new opportunities in relationships.
Anne Power is a couple therapist who writes and speaks on attachment. Her book, Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck? provides a voice for couples in diverse cultural settings to describe how they achieved long-term satisfying relationships. Annie posts accessible attachment theory on Instagram @and_attachment / and_attachment . She has a KZbin channel sharing interviews with therapists speaking about attachment.
/ @contentedcouples
Or use the handle, @contentedcouples This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@chafaq]

Attachment theory should be thought early on at schools. It would save the world so much pain and struggles. Not so many therapists know about it actually. I went to couple's therapy with different therapists and none of them understood that the biggest problem in my couple was the anxious-avoidant trap. Broken up since but here i am now working hard to heal my avoidant attachment to be in a better place the next time love comes knocking on my door 😊

[@annepower2912]

thank you so much for writing. I agree 100% about how useful it would be for kids to learn about attachment. I congratulate you on getting to know your own attachment strategy and I hope you can be compassionate towards the part of you which developed that - for all of us it was the best way to deal with th particular family we grew up in.

[@Shaiyene]

I've been saying this too. We need to teach this early, not after mistakes are made.

[@sam.my5064]

💯💯💯

[@AnaMaria888]

Parents should be taught before they have babies.

[@frattman]

So right about that ^ This video found me just in time. We've not found too much progress with various therapists and it's because none of them have gotten to the bottom of our problems. Seen from the right perspective, all of the problems we've had make sense. It's like all of the pins in a lock lining up and finally being able to open a door. Good luck on the next relationship, I'm sure your hard won lessons will serve you well!

[@user-md9gz4tc7c]

I loved the gentle pace of this talk. it enabled me to really take in the ideas the speaker was putting across. Ideas which are so important but which require reflective attention. Really important and informative talk. Thank you

[@annepower2912]

So glad that this was digestible :)

[@waterlilynymph]

It’s true. I fell in love with an avoidant at a distance and it caused my anxious/disorganized style to become more secure because when I learned to slow down, trust and give him space to feel, he always comes back. We have been talking for two years long distance and can’t seem to let go of each other. In the beginning it was rough with me questioning him, going off on him, but I pulled way back with my anxiety and just now observe and love him, and I truly feel it’s been a healing process to bring me more into security within. I believe he is feeling more safe as well, which is why he still tells me can’t wait to marry me one day. The more secure I become in his love, as well as my self love, I think that day is soon to come. But either way I will be ok cause through this experience I healed my anxious attachment style.

[@annepower2912]

It's inspiring to read of such a process of learning. Great that you could think about the big picture and the push pull between you. Sometimes that is too hard for people and they are more comfortable blaming the other person for having 'attachment issues'

[@TheVeggiekat]

Good on you. My relationship with an avoidant as an anxious attachment made me give up on love. I tried giving him space and communication methods, timing, and quantity as he wished but it just kept becoming the more I gave to make him feel secure the more he did to let me know i was unlovable and he would not be controlled by me or anyone. No matter how small I made myself it was never enough. I’ve ended things with him but just never want to risk feeling so bad about myself ever again. Some people just aren’t meant to be loved

[@annepower2912]

@@TheVeggiekat I'm really sorry that you had the experience of becoming small in a relatioship and no wonder that's made you very very cautious. I hope your sense of being loveable is growing back.

[@davidefacchinetti2084]

I feel like I am in a similar situation as i can be quite anxious but I am trying to slow down and reflect on what I can do better. When you say 'give him the space to feel', what exactly do you mean by that?

[@annepower2912]

@@davidefacchinetti2084 I think slowing down is a great step. It allows you to notice your triggers and have more choice over how you respond.

[@rizishere19]

She is so gentle and calm, with a saintly demeanour. Loved the talk ❤

[@annepower2912]

So glad the talk is helpful. Nothing saintly I can promise you - having my own attachment story to keep on managing/ healing/ forgiving:)

[@rizishere19]

@@annepower2912 So glad to see your message. This is your humility and modesty. Forever your fan ❤️

[@Ensource]

more like boring. put me to sleep

[@s.h.3622]

with curiosity and respect can we look at our emotions♥

[@MariBe.]

My dear Annie. I love your soul, spirit and speech, your deep, loving thoughts, your clarity and purity and sensitivity. Great talk.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for your very generous comment.

[@asayeed2853]

Eloquent, articulate and engaging right from the start! A pleasure to watch x

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and for your comment.

[@juneyang1400]

Absolutely. The attachment is the science of love. It saves our child.❤

[@islandbreeze2102]

Excellent talk. I love the slow and easy pace of the lecture. It allowed me time to think and let what you were saying sink in. Thank you for giving us the formula to self sooth ourselves: Slowing Down!

[@user-vc6xc7wo1j]

Fantastic, Anne! You have truly captured the essence of attachment science! This is one more excellent contribution from you! I'm proud to be your colleague and friend!

[@annepower2912]

I'm proud to have you as my teacher :)

[@mai2415]

I very much need this explanation now. Thank you Annie

[@carliesheehy7136]

This Waa so beautifully articulated. Thank you.

[@johnbeveridge6060]

'The gift that keeps on giving...' Thanks Annie for a beautiful and clear talk on the science of loving.

[@annepower2912]

I'm very happy to have grown up as a therapist beside you.

[@louisecundy1084]

So clearly articulated - thank you for telling this 'science' as such an engaging story. It really makes sense

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@nicj5354]

I'm anxious avoidant - best of both worlds 😊

[@annepower2912]

Our attachment strategies always develop to help us get through the best we can in our early family life. So we have a lot to thank them for, but they can give us a lot of work too...

[@anamseraj8189]

You mean worse? Yep both of us bruh

[@vintkh629]

or fearful avoidant (they can be both anxious and avoidant)

[@nicj5354]

@@vintkh629 same thing

[@nicolaisnpain03]

Hahab.. same .. it’s kinda confusing.

[@rolfzartner7267]

Do well presented Annie . It reminded me to my time in school when we spoke about attachment. My wife wasch big fan of your speech. You were so calm .. well well done Annie

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for this support.

[@shivaniuberoi5767]

so much wisdom in this talk and such practical takeaways for me to use in my relationship with my daughter, partner and others. Thank you Annie for such a thought provoking speech!

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for commenting it great to hear of it being useful:)

[@sallyvaughan1231]

I read the piece on you in Therapy Today this morning, not a lot draws me in these days but I thought who is this woman, I need to know more! This talk and presentation really fulfils my style of learning. In the middle of some Carolyn Spring training too, this is perfectly in line with my needs. You talk from heart and mind combined. Thank you.

[@Mary-tj5qx]

An examplar of great teaching.

[@maryscurr924]

Clearly & beautifully expressed Annie. Thank you & I look forward to more

[@annepower2912]

Dear Mary, Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@rowenahutchison4822]

Very clearly and sensitively expressed. I love your talk, it really is the science of love and if only it could become a more mainstream understanding of how each one of us functions. Keep sharing Annie! ❤

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@_meta_data_9992]

From Belgium, listening and repeating all day today, so amazing

[@user-lk7zd5ux3s]

Brilliant - so calmly and clearly presented. Thanks Annie XX

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@user-pv8dm6lt6s]

Thank you Annie for your wonderfully clear and well paced talk. I will be sharing this!

[@AnthonyHeston]

I absolutely loved this speech. Great job Annie!

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate the feedback:)

[@user-pd3gv8ns4i]

A beautifully told story about life to take to heart.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you for watching and for commenting

[@SheriJacobson]

Such an impactful concept, eloquently delivered. 👏

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@nadaabdelnasser1396]

I needed that, thank you ❤

[@Beccanator007]

Phenomenal! This is resonating on many levels. Thank you Raphy!

[@CouplesCoping]

I really appreciate your feedback

[@rafet744]

I love her gentle Informative style 😊

[@cassandramaetowle6053]

so gentle & calm 😢😢

[@lorenachen2768]

Beautiful insights. Thank you

[@handan2927]

excellent talk! Thank you!

[@user-uo1sw8up9t]

Excellent talk Anne, so calm and sensitive.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@ayushayurveda83]

Phenomenal talk..thank you!!!

[@markgreen2714]

Learning about it after a twin flame relationship with a disorganized woman led me to a DNOTS and i am finally healing and life will never be the same.

[@IRSamsara]

Excellent. Thank you.🥰

[@juliadinizrios8950]

I needed this sooo much!

[@alicelennard]

She us so so good and to the point! Always love the English

[@lemawiffen4719]

Very thought provoking. Great speech Annie.

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much Lema :)

[@louisehatch4874]

Beautifully spoken

[@annepower2912]

Huge thanks to you Louise:)

[@user-le8zf8vb7t]

Wow fantastic presentation! Thanks for explaining Annie.

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate your feedback:)

[@jamesforshall3318]

I enjoyed that and found it very interesting. Very well told. Thank you.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@christinedriver7509]

Great talk Anne - really informative, beautiful, clear and moving.

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@pilateswithjessica6089]

Beautiful speech. Very well spoken and engaging

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate the feedback:)

[@louisehatch4874]

This idea resonates so much!

[@annepower2912]

this makes me happy!

[@JQWELLIN]

I could listen to her speak all day what a lovely person

[@FloraCruft]

Annie what a wonderful talk, well done.

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate your feedback Flora:)

[@rayandrews566]

Thank you Annie. Very clear and engaging. .

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate your feedback :)

[@user-lw7pn5li9j]

A fantastic speech well done Anne!

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@user-fv9dd7wj3o]

Such a concise and helpful discussion!!

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@tamandua67]

Very insightful, and with clear takeaways. Thank you!

[@esthercollins4323]

Interesting talk Annie, thank you. Well done ! x

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for your comment

[@onthatileprincess555]

I enjoyed watching this

[@ekaj07reltub]

Excellent talk. Very informative.

[@annepower2912]

I really appreciate you commenting.

[@arthurthomasware5004]

Enjoyed this talk. There is always a however, and my however is this: Why are the removal of fears described as love? Is relief from stress love? Is reliance on a safe relationship love? Certainly it better enables love to rise into consciousness, where it can be felt and radiated. But love is our Essence. Love is what we are when ego, or the imagined self is - albeit only for a moment - laid aside. Love does not flow from our conditioning, it penetrates through it. To me, attachment is not love.

[@karingelxringel]

Most amazing ted talk I’ve ever seen.

[@charlies4015]

Very informative and eye-opening.

[@annepower2912]

Thanks so much for viewing.

[@user-pq1jr6ye1d]

Than you for your Talk, it was great❤

[@annepower2912]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting :)

[@ayushayurveda83]

Eloquent speaker...truly ..attachment theory ..the science of love

[@sajithomas2158]

Amazing

[@happilysara]

Phenomenal

[@morryswigs2005]

Excellent talk.

[@CouplesCoping]

I really appreciate your feedback

[@alexmursell1758]

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. I really feel that this exceptional woman should marry David Attenborough and make documentaries on life. A place of safety and a platform for growth, of which you can provide for yourself??? Beautiful understanding, a massive progression in humanity is achievable when we understand and respect the fundamentals of our existence.

[@IsabellaMPipitone]

this queen in her button up

[@DD-pz3kf]

I have a conjoined twin and I can relate so much to this talk

[@nadiasanza7568]

We all need someone...

[@annepower2912]

Absolutely - thank you.

[@potterb39]

imo, this is dead on, thank you. now I don't need to read that book attached, phew. ❤

[@marianarodriguez-gn5kh]

Idk why I am having a hard time understanding this TEDtalk... lol I have been watching it over and over

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

Are you familiar with attachment theory ?

[@Kristi-vq3qe]

She has lots of wonderful theories but most of it is so abstract that it’s for no use. How do you stop adrenaline rush, increase the feeling of safety when you are alone and finances are running low or when you partner is lashing out and so on… I agree with you

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

@@Kristi-vq3qe but you can recondition limbic system

[@user-wf6wt5ol2n]

Thank you, very helpful. I would love to hear more ❤

[@maya_unplugged]

Attachment style is a traumasymptom, not personality. Heal that issue But don’t victimize yourself by identifying with your symptoms.

[@LauraJohnson-wh8jx]

This is why loneliness impacts so significantly on mental health

[@Dan1ell]

Besides anxious and avoident, what other types of attachment are there?

[@mississippiatheistette8769]

i had to look to see if i had accidentally put the video on .75 speed or something. XD If you speed it up to 1.5, its almost tolerable

[@danielnosuke]

“He noticed that young creatures attach to their caregiver. They attach to the one who provides safety and comfort and he stressed that this attachment to a supportive other is not just for babies we all need someone to whom we can turn, whose presence soothes us when we're troubled.” I don’t see how that’s not obvious. “People seek seek closeness when they need protection and they protest when they're separated.” Um, yes… is that so ground-breaking?

[@AnaMaria888]

Ambivalent attachment style is the most difficult. Borderline is linked to this attachment style I think.

[@kyrareneeLOA]

Good, but there are 4 attachment types, and she does not mention this. The 4th, a blending of the anxious and the avoidant. Called fearful-avoidant. Good speech.

[@jasonfanclub4267]

Yup that's me

[@kristinhanssantos2907]

Wow

[@treyweeeee]

The audio on this is so odd...

[@serenemary873]

4:40

[@lalhmachhuani1897]

what's the main takeaway/summary of this please?

[@lalhmachhuani1897]

anyone?

[@beccalove8791]

@@lalhmachhuani1897 be vulnerable if you want to be close to someone.

[@lalhmachhuani1897]

@@beccalove8791 thank you :)))

[@SpeoLori]

It is about the importance of emotional safety, quite shallow otherwise.

[@AltheaTorres-co6zv]

13:15

[@Hailey_1507]

Does attachment theory only applies to couples?

[@AnaMaria888]

The attchment style affects also the social life of a person

[@aaronsinspirationdaily4896]

Beware the covert narcissist that has you convinced they are dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant. Not enough people talking about this.

[@AnaMaria888]

People if you have anxious style, avoid the avoidants. They will activate your fears and wounds.

[@drkarenbukharibukhari9931]

My love attached to my biological mom Syeda farzana

[@TheJessierb]

why do we think it appropriate to torture other species in the name of science? I admire Bowlby's work and have benefited from it but surely the human studies like Mary Ainsworth 'strange situation' studies and the films made in the UK of real children in painful separation situations (Like John who spent 10 days in an impersonal 24 hour nursery setting) and many many more, provide us with the kind of information we need rather than subjecting sentient beings like baby monkeys to this psychological horror. There is no LOVE in this. Only human arrogance and cruelty.

[@AnaMaria888]

In the last there was not a lot of ethics in the science. Read about Albert baby experiment and you will be shocked

[@thomasmcnamara576]

It’s attachment theory, but not the science of love.

[@ShivakshiChaudhary]

Why wasn’t marriage taught in school?

[@mariamccormick564]

Are you single? lol

[@manager6041]

Interesting topic; delivery was poor

[@majo5431]

you just have poor comprehension

[@eliza_km_hanson]

Interesting statement, too bad the thought process was poor

[@ted2136]

So after attachment is broken can you still see the other person e.g. if kids involved re divorce? I think i need to let go of attachment with my ex but find that easier not to be around her. So for me i have to avoid her. Hard with kids