Putin's Draft Is Going As Badly As His War | NASA Knows How To Celebrate!

Russians are fleeing the country in huge numbers after Vladimir Putin announced he would send fighting-age men to the front lines in Ukraine. Here at The Late Show, Stephen found out that the happy nerds at NASA celebrate a win in much the same way that our writers celebrate a successful joke. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount+, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

[@layhdejjj9707]

Russian draftees: I don't need ammunition, I need a ride

[@8arrows]

Good one

[@cindypomerleau950]

Great one !!!

[@batalorian7997]

I think they need tampons

[@groove-heroine]

Full circle.

[@johnsmithe4656]

@@batalorian7997 Imagine how upset all the women will be when they realize there aren't any more tampons in the whole country.

[@patrickmalone4443]

Former army combat medic here.. ALL our aid bags were packed w tampons for the EXACT SAME reason

[@darrengeorge8990]

I'm pretty sure that's what they ere originally invented for.

[@marshallptrs]

Navy Corpsman co-signs this comment.

[@baume184]

Creative problem solving 👍

[@crovax1375]

I think that the point is that the Russian soldiers are being told to bring their own for field dressing

[@richard1472]

And don't forget the super glue.

[@TechReviewbyIrdi]

I live by where Fetterman and Braddock. He was a pillar in the community. Still resonates everywhere. He is a no nonsense guy that just wants better. He also worked really hard in the community. I would rather have someone that has been around the block, fixed the block, and made that block better than a hack Dr. that's not grounded by reality. How the hell can Dr. Oz even help Pa. if he never did anything here?

[@patrickirishcharm6354]

Fetterman ✔️

[@zachnasr9911]

Dr. Oz also lives in New Jersey! He's just coasting on his sparse fame and Trump's coattails. His whole campaign is a joke with no punchline 😆

[@ChristophBrinkmann]

But but but but but Oz is Christian Republican!!! That's important, somehow! And you know why? REASONS!!!!!

[@naturaliscontentus5914]

@@zachnasr9911 Sorry, if you actually listen to Dr. OZ he makes a lot more sense and seems a lot less corrupt. Do your research. Fetterman is going to get trounced in debate. "Dr. Oz: Fetterman is dodging debates to hide his radical record"

[@Dontleavemedimi]

Betterment for president

[@itsalgud1459]

Stephen really nailed it tonight. He got everybody dead on and it was hilarious doing it. My hat is off to him.

[@evillyn7895]

" Put your hand on Potato " I had to pause the video and LMAO.

[@threetreasures7698]

Me too! 😂

[@Beginstheman]

Of course! It's because whatever they swear on in Russia... is 🥔.😂😂

[@shirleyrombough8173]

I knew tbers was a potato joke in there somewhere. Thanks for writing about it.

[@peterg5383]

because russia/potato jokes are super original and hilarious. what next - maybe a joke about irish being drunks, or old people being confused by technology? pathetic.

[@zesty9815]

5:16 _"Put right hand on potato and repeat after me..."_ OK, or left hand.

[@elphieofkiamoko]

I know someone who fled Russia to Georgia in February, when the invasion began. It was an act of protest against the war starting, but now I feel like he dodged a bullet.....literally.

[@firequeen2194]

Best wishes to your friend

[@MyroslavaRm]

guess what, an act of protest against the war is...protest. not leaving the country and ignoring what's happening

[@libbyworkman3459]

@@MyroslavaRm Vladimir Putin is a dictator with Secret Service agents killing dissenters against his regime. To protest publicly is to put a target on your back in a country like that.

[@TentinQuarantino_]

@@MyroslavaRm does it make you feel like a big man to troll everyone in the KZbin comments section?

[@kuronekochan3]

@@TentinQuarantino_ I'm from Georgia and nobody wants russians coming here. They had 20+ years to do something about putin, as he devastated Chechnya, Ukraine and Georgia in wars, but they lived comfortably under his rule, until sanctions hit. They're not refugees, they just want to live a comfy life, while the guy they voted in kills innocent people.

[@felinecontrolled]

Love how Oz was booed more than the guy threaten nuclear war.

[@kwharrison6668]

My mom’s a RN and First Aid instructor. The person who certified her as an instructor was a former medic for the Canadian Army who is now a hunter. He told her he puts a box of tampons in his hunting first aid kit, because while odd, they’d be very effective (as a makeshift tool) for bullet wounds. They’re easy to use and expand as they absorb blood, closing the hole and slowing/stopping immediate blood loss.

[@juliaburns303]

The product that became the tampons was first made for bleeding wounded soldiers during wartime. Someone came up with the idea that it would work for women during their periods.

[@kellharris2491]

Which is ironic considering how many men get squeamish buying tampons and pads. I mean they are just basically cloth and adhesive.

[@bigbcor]

Why would you post such disproven and mythical advice on here? Oh wait its KZbin…you do realize that tampons have been proven time and time again to not be a good go to for GSW due to cavitation by bullets. When we were deployed we were strictly forbidden to even consider using such a dumb idea. ESP since quick clot has been around for decades now. The newer version of quick clot doesn’t even require much surgery to remove it when the person reaches the OR. At the end of the day though applied pressure wins out over almost all other options…

[@johnmunro4952]

I think super glue was developed during Vietnam for sealing wounds.

[@kwharrison6668]

@@johnmunro4952 that’s for small wounds though, not bullet wounds. It’s especially useful for straight-line cuts.

[@nehukybis]

I used to be an EMT in the US. We totally carried tampons. They're like the duct tape of emergency medicine. (Also, duct tape).

[@cindypomerleau950]

Lol. Great analogy.

[@ElCapAddict]

Please do not treat GSWs with tampons, this is an antiquated and rather ineffective medical intervention. Instead, visualize the wound by removing the blood (preferably not disrupting any clots in the process), locate the source of bleeding and apply a bound/folded piece of gauze (preferably rolled so you can pack the wound with the tail end) directly to the source of bleeding with substantial pressure and do not release, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be to stop the bleeding. You cannot apply sufficient force to stop any serious venous or arterial bleeding with a tampon. You might have some luck with epistaxis and tampons, but this is bad advice and patients will die treating a GSW this way. A tampon is designed to absorb blood, maybe an ounce of blood at most... Training plus tourniquets, rolled gauze, chest seals, pressure, and rapid transport to definitive care are what you need - not effing tampons. Rolled gauze is likely the single most versatile and effective kit for this and other injuries one could carry, and one can quickly fashion a tourniquet with a windlass stick. Tourniquets are ineffective without a windlass - you will not generate sufficient force without a windlass to effectively occlude or slow arterial blood flow. Or use a t-shirt in a pinch. Source EMT-Paramedic school.

[@shirleyrombough8173]

Or potato.

[@ElCapAddict]

@@shirleyrombough8173 🤣 Maybe Tide Pods are plentiful from all their washing machine thefts - they could stuff their GSWs with those.

[@ElCapAddict]

Navy Corpsman are already explaining why tampons are a not sound interventions for GSWs: kzbin.infoCdGNIup0xEQ?feature=share

[@lilwil-ns3uo]

I love how Federman ALWAYS has an excellent comeback to BURN 🔥 Oz. Brilliant. Be safe in Florida everyone.

[@danmcgriff1421]

Tell me something Nancy if you were a republican would you vote for fetterman and his policies

[@alexd9550]

@@danmcgriff1421 Tell me something Dan, if you weren't conservative, would you support the current dumpster fire that is the current GOP?

[@ginmar8134]

@@danmcgriff1421 Suuuuure, Trumpie.

[@bzat2024]

Colbert’s writers and his delivery impeccable ….as usual…😂😂 any time i’m feeling down I just watch this show …❤never fails to make me laugh

[@timothy4557]

Did they find Jackie ?

[@2332Stephen]

For roughly 10 minutes every day this guy takes away my anxiety and depression

[@norwaydude4798]

You need serious help then

[@2332Stephen]

@@norwaydude4798 yeah probably, not alone

[@leoniemoats7467]

Same. Its the only way to stay informed without going absolutely crazy

[@Tyanus2]

@@leoniemoats7467 You get info from comedians who use cheap lines for laughs 😃

[@Jbarack98]

@@leoniemoats7467 he isn’t informing you on shit, he’s told what to say. We are so gullible. Study the history behind this conflicts

[@kathleenvaughan3709]

I cannot imagine the horror those Ukrainian people are going through.

[@Kal-EL_Volta]

Not as bad as the russian people.

[@cindypomerleau950]

Slava Ukraine 🇺🇦💙💛💜

[@Shervin86]

Nor the Iranian people which seems to get minimal coverage if any... #Mahsaamini

[@peachesandpoets]

@@Kal-EL_Volta um probably more? The Ukrainians are victims...

[@chriscruse8131]

Who cares when we have places like Flint, Mi that's been needing water a lot longer than Ukraine has been at war. Russia could blow Ukraine off the map for all I care.

[@Tonyhouse1168]

Hunkering down on a little island in Florida now. Gonna be an interesting few days. But hey, if things go terribly wrong, maybe that last *president* aka Chester Cheater, will come throw some paper towels at us

[@maiben210]

wishing you and yours saftey light and love💛

[@sshaw4429]

Chester cheater…..lolololo😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@geekdivaherself]

I wish you and yours well!

[@connorgunning6228]

I audibly snorted air out of my nose laughing at that.. im so sorry and I will be thinking about everyone down there to be ok and come out of it safely.

[@anthonytrevino3191]

Cheeseburger paradise

[@nodegreen7012]

Stephen you are killing me i'm 87 year old every time you let me lol so hard God be with and bless you always

[@lisalima7430]

Busted out laughing at "Put rite hand on potatoe & repeat after me" thank you Stephen!

[@ProctorsGamble]

😮 You made a Dan Quayle potato mistake!

[@MonkeyJedi99]

During this hurricane, please shelter somewhere safe. Barring that, PLEASE, PLEASE shelter at Mar-a-Lago. I hear they have an omelet bar near the top-secret document storage desk.

[@jpenneymrcoin6851]

OH YES! I didn't even think of that!

[@kiriakiria9685]

🧐🤔👏🏾👏🏽👏😂

[@toadjiang7626]

"War is rich old men trying to get richer by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die."

[@neonfroot]

That's why I have no respect for older men whom are upper class, married, conservative and religious. They're the biggest hedonists, fucking and patronizing young people and ethnic minorities.

[@atlasfeynman1039]

Actually, commie, the saying is: "War is old men talking and young men dying."

[@neonfroot]

@@atlasfeynman1039 Gist is more or less that same. Also, criticism of upper class is also a liberal thing. And I mean liberal as in the default classical definition of the word, not the Cold War propaganda meaning.

[@demoskunk]

And the president who didn't start any new wars, but started withdrawing our troops from other countries was? Gasp....Trump!

[@neonfroot]

@@demoskunk Trump didn't withdraw troops. Biden withdrew troops. Granted Trump didn't start new wars, but he did bomb Syria.

[@JM-pq1rs]

The walking encyclopedia for Lord of the Rings said "look at those happy nerds" hahahaha love it

[@AkumakoCross]

In regards to the tampons for bullet wounds, that’s actually what they were originally for. They started being used as sanitary products when the war nurses in WWI or II (I forget which) had to deal with their periods with limited resources, and they went “hey, you know what’s kinda similar in shape to a bullet wound?” and that’s roughly how tampons became the bane of men.

[@mariag.8242]

Not so much shape as staunching a lot of blood.

[@masterroshen841]

True about the tampons and as an infantry vet I can tell you that our medic did keep some on hand for if we got shot.

[@eriksigalraven8340]

How about using convicted pedophiles and cannibals as draftees? And giving them amnesty? Thats what russian government does - thats what westerners not mention

[@mostrecenthero]

I ❤️ and will always ❤️ these monologues. In 2 months, I hope things change for the better for 🌎 and for now I hope everyone in Florida is able to stay as safe as possible.

[@lordcaptain73]

The fact that we got live (minus time delays for signal distance) shots of the impact impressed the heck out of me.

[@Shuizid]

I mean, the camery couldn't exactly send the film later ^^°

[@baebealien]

I always wonder how they film things... kinda sus🤨

[@sydnidowney3598]

IT WAS WONDERFUL SEEING ALL THE WOMEN WORKING AT NASA.....YOU GO LADIES!

[@catladycabaret]

GO FETTERMAN! I remember when he was doing boots-on-the-ground work in the Pgh suburbs. It is so awesome to see him pursue higher offices in the same spirit.

[@DragonFae16]

Seeing the NASA folks celebrate, I was like 'Yay! We hit a thing with another thing!'

[@Ginric99]

Shouldn’t that have been a space force job :)

[@caru3257]

@@Ginric99 you are funny.

[@Ginric99]

@@caru3257 well what else is it set up for if not to protect the world from Meteorites :)

[@masternoob9673]

“And won’t know if we actually did something until we look outside one morning and see a mushroom cloud on the horizon.”

[@craigmacdougal9111]

If a 10 year old kid smashes something into another thing to see what happens... it's a kid being a kid. If the same 10 year old kid WRITES DOWN what happened.. It's SCIENCE.

[@alaskangirl4502]

I live in Alaska but I just donated to Fetterman’s campaign ✊🏽😂

[@michelemaliano7860]

Am I the only waiting Jon’s piano tinkle when Stephen hands the imaginary object to someone off camera?

[@mustardistasty]

For some reason those clips of NASA engineers cheering when something lands always make me cry…

[@olorin4317]

First time humanity attempted to move another celestial body. Those nerds just ushered in a new age for our species. Thank you nerds.

[@susiesweet8003]

I grew up in a mill town next to Fetterman's home mill town. He's a great guy & will see recreational cannabis legalized in PA. 🥰 He'll be taking ratpubliklan Toomy's seat. 🥳 Oz doesn't stand a chance. 😂

[@joshrabatin]

Difficult to even joke and or laugh at this point...THANK GOD FOR COLBERT!!! WOOOOO!!!!......WOOOOOO!!!!!

[@tomnalley3644]

Colbert is a Hollywood commiefornia commiecrat.

[@LichenAndMoss]

Haven’t watched Colbert in a while - he’s killin it.

[@caradianne]

Thank you for being here for all these years!

[@leyrua]

He's one of the few people that have made all of the bad news bearable.

[@TobiasMeinecke]

I really took to his show during the lockdowns.

[@oleggold]

I was born in Ukraine. Part Ukrainian part Russian. Thanks Stephen for talking about this. At least something can sound funny about this situation. Luckily I don't live there for 30 years already, but still feel the pain of the Ukrainians and feel some weird sort of responsibility for the actions of the Russians.

[@nurlindafsihotang49]

Well, you got 2 best gene of 1000 years of sacrifice in you. I believe ukraine will won and russian are not one to bullied by a grup of beligerent old men. I hope russian make example out of putin, tsar family style. Only Russian could take down a russian.

[@samuela-aegisdottir]

Peace for Ukraine, Freedom for Russia.

[@cyberneticbutterfly8506]

I feel the same weird sense of responsibility and I'm not even Russian. I guess it's due to the fact that I sort of know I could have been politically active (and uncorrupt) and involved the last 20 years but didn't bother to so I feel like I have a small little part in the world being the way it is today.

[@oleggold]

@@cyberneticbutterfly8506 You took it even further haha. I am very active politically I think, but there's nothing anyone could have actually done to stop this, except the people Russia.

[@elizabethm888]

Just so you know my kids and I pray Ukraine every night, ( Now we also pray that as many Russians who do not want to take part in the war can get out with their families safely.

[@SerenityPeaceTree]

Fantastic! Go Fetterman! Thank you for your service for PA so far

[@rosesmith6925]

Dang, as a Floridian I was planning on watching the 1/6 committee's show to get my mind off the storm 🍷🍻 After 50 years of learning how and what to do during these things a little entertainment would have been nice. Currently into a Stephen King book 1,078 pgs. Last storm I read IT. The door stoppers (literally 😂) always help!

[@edabean007]

Why don't they just change the wind direction and make the storm go away.? I hear it can be done with just a sharpie™ and a map.

[@jpenneymrcoin6851]

or just by pretending

[@kkrolf2782]

Or … just THINKING it. You know, you can do that kind of thing when you’re president.

[@seraphonica]

So... an election between a local guy who wears hoodies, and an out of towner guy who bitches about the prices of crudite? Hmm... I wonder who's going to get the Flyers fans' votes?

[@sailinbob11]

I'm watching this on my sailboat in Tampa Bay day after the storm. I'm happy I'll be around to see the hearings. Capt.Bob, SV ( Sailing Vessel) 27th Chance, Tampa Fl, USA 🇺🇸

[@mtnlady4762]

Super excited for the NASA nerds! My ex father in law was a NASA nerd, and designed a part for one of the Apollo missions.

[@WaywardVet]

Yeah, that tampon hack... That's a real thing. They didn't mention the important part. Get to a surgeon fast. It slows the bleeding but it's a time bomb for septis, so you traded hemhorragic shock for septic shock. You bought time, that's all. But the clock is ticking.

[@ElCapAddict]

Please do not treat GSWs with tampons, this is an antiquated and rather ineffective medical intervention. Instead, visualize the wound by removing the blood (preferably not disrupting any clots in the process), locate the source of bleeding and apply a bound/folded piece of gauze (preferably rolled so you can pack the wound with the tail end) directly to the source of bleeding with substantial pressure and do not release, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be to stop the bleeding. You cannot apply sufficient force to stop any serious venous or arterial bleeding with a tampon. You might have some luck with epistaxis and tampons, but this is bad advice and patients will die treating a GSW this way. A tampon is designed to absorb blood, maybe an ounce of blood at most... Training plus tourniquets, rolled gauze, chest seals, pressure, and rapid transport to definitive care are what you need - not effing tampons. Rolled gauze is likely the single most versatile and effective kit for this and other injuries one could carry, and one can quickly fashion a tourniquet with a windlass stick. Tourniquets are ineffective without a windlass - you will not generate sufficient force without a windlass to effectively occlude or slow arterial blood flow. Or use a t-shirt in a pinch. Source EMT-Paramedic school.

[@WaywardVet]

@@ElCapAddict It is dumb. Like I said, it's a hack that buys time. We're talking last resort.

[@ElCapAddict]

@@WaywardVet Sorry, not specifically directed at you then. I’ve been spamming my response to every half-wit post thinking this is legitimate, current, or even best medical practice (in the field or not).

[@NuiYabuko]

@@ElCapAddict Spamming is the right word here.

[@colleenclement474]

Throw some lemon juice on it so it doesn't go brown. 😋

[@angc214]

Maybe sacrificing a Florida governor to the hurricane gods will appease them and calm the storm. I'm an agnostic but it's worth a shot.

[@steveaustin2686]

LOL

[@kiriakiria9685]

🧐🤔👏🏾👏🏽👏😂

[@wassupkop]

The “sharpened tampon” got me 😂

[@bizzmoneyb]

"I, state your name, solemnly swear to immediately go to be exploded in Ukraine." 😂 its not funny, but that made me laugh.

[@Swan-rb4yg]

I don't imagine it's laughable if you're living it -- or dying it.

[@DjTspaRoLEoffIcER]

So why do we need space force? Go NASA! 👍

[@steveaustin2686]

The US Space Force (USSF) has assets in Earth orbit, looking inward, for early warning of attacks here on Earth and for gathering intelligence. NASA does the deep space stuff. The US Air Force (USAF) used to do the stuff the USSF does, but Trump wanted to go down in the history books. It makes for more admin costs now, but if space access keeps, it would make sense for a separate USSF in the future. They won't focus outward until people out there on a semi-permanent basis.

[@Raixor]

*The NASA guys shoulda all sang "WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU!", together.*

[@666t]

Flash Ah Ah saviour of the Universe

[@JachAnen]

Or Space Jam

[@Raixor]

@@JachAnen *The Space Jam Theme Song by Quad City DJ's? Nah, that's nowhere near as recognizable as "We Will Rock You" by Queen. Or as chant-able. haha*

[@citypavement]

@@Raixor You can just say the Space Jam theme song. No one is impressed.

[@GreenWitch420]

Stomp stomp clap!

[@Sundayjean]

😂😂 ❤ the Venezuelan joke! I’m in FL., it’s kind of hard to get out of its path unless you fly far north and west.

[@binah7744]

The tampon thing has been known wisdom for a while. Both when I was an army medic and a civilian EMT, we always had tampons on hand for that.

[@0HARE]

Comedy creativity and social commentary at it’s finest! Stephen, you rock!

[@jpenneymrcoin6851]

he does rock. it's comedy at its finest.

[@jamiecanney6973]

loved em on the Colbert report on the daily show he was brill

[@HMFan2010]

Fetterman reminds me of Zelenskyy who shows up to important political meetings in a t-shirt and jeans. It doesn't matter how you're dressed if you get the job done.

[@demoskunk]

It doesn't matter how you Tweet, if you get the job done.

[@lenawagenfuehr53]

It doesn't matter if you run on an anti-corruption platform, as long as you buy up enough real estate abroad (and keep those off shore coffers full)

[@HMFan2010]

@@demoskunk Well, 45 can't Tweet anymore; his “Truths” are lies; and he didn't get much done other than completely jack up the nation, ruin our global reputation (though we’ve been doing that for years), and lining his own pockets with the cash of the blindly and ignorantly loyal.

[@Swan-rb4yg]

Well, but Zelensky wears normal shirts and jeans. Fetterman must search long and hard to find clothes as ugly, hideously ugly as he wears.

[@demoskunk]

@@Swan-rb4yg Yes, that would expend a lot of energy, lol. Einstein wore the same suit everyday because he didn't want to waste brain-power thinking about what to wear.

[@geistnation5913]

I love Nasa and their excitement!!

[@Bzuhl]

The conspiracy theories based those footages are going to be legendary

[@wiggywig1105]

Army vet here, the tampon bit is something we teach US soldiers too. All our medics carried them, and we were encouraged to have some on hand as a "self rescue" measure. I know it sounds funny, but it's not. It can stop you or your Battle Buddy from bleeding out. I kinda hope you'll retract this bit. Otherwise, love the show Steven!

[@ElCapAddict]

Please do not treat GSWs with tampons, this is an antiquated and rather ineffective medical intervention. Instead, visualize the wound by removing the blood (preferably not disrupting any clots in the process), locate the source of bleeding and apply a bound/folded piece of gauze (preferably rolled so you can pack the wound with the tail end) directly to the source of bleeding with substantial pressure and do not release, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be to stop the bleeding. You cannot apply sufficient force to stop any serious venous or arterial bleeding with a tampon. You might have some luck with epistaxis and tampons, but this is bad advice and patients will die treating a GSW this way. A tampon is designed to absorb blood, maybe an ounce of blood at most... Training plus tourniquets, rolled gauze, chest seals, pressure, and rapid transport to definitive care are what you need - not effing tampons. Rolled gauze is likely the single most versatile and effective kit for this and other injuries one could carry, and one can quickly fashion a tourniquet with a windlass stick. Tourniquets are ineffective without a windlass - you will not generate sufficient force without a windlass to effectively occlude or slow arterial blood flow. Or use a t-shirt in a pinch. Source EMT-Paramedic school.

[@wiggywig1105]

@@ElCapAddict pretty obvious you've never been on a battle field. Thanks for the "educated" advice. If I get shot with an EMT handy and they use a tampon, I'll be pissed I guess.

[@ElCapAddict]

@@wiggywig1105 Navy Corpsman are already explaining why tampons are not a sound intervention for GSWs: kzbin.infoCdGNIup0xEQ?feature=share

[@michaelgreenwood3413]

@@wiggywig1105 think that other guy doesn't realize that when you're on a battlefield, you make do with what you have. sure, there's BETTER stuff, but it's usually harder to come by. And it'll work until you can get your ass medevaced to a proper infirmary or checked out by a Medic.

[@ElCapAddict]

@@michaelgreenwood3413 Rolled gauze, useful for GSWs and many other injuries as well or a t-shirt, would be harder to come by than tampons? Tampons, which are being brought for a single purpose - a purpose that they’re so minimally effective for at treating high velocity GSWs it would be laughable if it were not so serious...

[@meatwax]

Seriously, the bullseye of that asteroid is incredible. Most people are impressed with golf or basketball or archery. Anyone impressed with accuracy, thats untouchable God tier accuracy, and precision

[@oomiosi]

360 no scope, over the horizon, hair on a pimple shot.

[@malteschaper3782]

...and other than those trick-shot videos it couldn't take a quadrillion tries to get it.

[@AsFewFalseThingsAsPossible]

Physics and Maths, and human ingenuity, what a fantastic achievement.

[@robertcampomizzi7988]

Love the comparison! My dad was an engineer and he said if people had any idea what their job was they'd be paid like sports figures.(or at least more than they are currently paid)

[@justincremeans2244]

I am a relatively skilled archer and trying to describe to my fiancée with the comparison of being off by a fraction of an inch just wasn't good enough. I had to say that it would be like a shot from here to some distant moon of Venus where I had to take into account the spinning of earth, gravity of other planets, speed of a moving target and plan my shot accordingly and I'm sure there was more to it I don't understand.

[@BigMoney23223]

I love how he still hands his imaginary props off camera to his assistant

[@TobiasMeinecke]

Except Jon Batiste always had a little music cue, a pling etc with it. I miss these from the new Bandleader.

[@weirdthingstoeat7198]

The TAMPON joke got me in Stitches!!!! LOL!!!

[@sashimiroll5055]

“Look at those happy nerds” Coming from the man who ranted about LOTR on his last monologue, idk if Stephen can judge lol.

[@diggysoze2897]

Real recognize real

[@jpenneymrcoin6851]

it kinda bugs me that he's on the anti-intellectual bandwagon, if only the very edge of it. i kind of wish he'd celebrate nerdity a little more.

[@angelad3170]

@@jpenneymrcoin6851 Clearly you've never seen him playing D&D with Matt Mercer =D

[@vilstef6988]

Without even trying, Fetterman is cooler than Dr Oz.

[@demoskunk]

You mean Fetterwoman. How do you feel about the "working class candidate" living at home off his parent's money until he was 49?

[@couragekarnga8735]

All he has to do is not have the friggin last name Oz!

[@peterg5383]

that's a *very* low bar. i mean, trilobytes are cooler than oz.

[@morebirdsandroses]

I call him Dr Ooze 😝

[@lenawagenfuehr53]

@@couragekarnga8735 he doesn't. English doesn't respect other languages enough and leaves out the Umlaut

[@masav7287]

No need to fly anybody anywhere. Just call in number 45 and give him a sharpie, 😄

[@jturtle5318]

The name tampon comes from the French tamponade, which is applying pressure. It's taught in first aid training, and ambulances carry a type of tampon for use in bullet wounds or large stab wounds. You don't want the scented kind.

[@denisesf5]

Stephen never disappoints! Wonderful comedian and human being ❤!

[@jacobmeis1249]

he is a freemasonic tool that hates women

[@Serena.Hope.Eternal]

Hey Stephen, did your budget conk out at the couch level? Put some inspiring color on them walls and curtains dude! 🥰 😎 🎭 🧸🪅

[@markkasprzyk3287]

Colbert comments were disgusting. Seriously? Ukraine people lost everything. Families lost everything. Children killed. and Colbert makes some stupid ass joke about Putin and his war not being productive? Seriously?

[@orchoose]

Stupid normie audience doesnt know whan to clap. What a f clown Stephan became.

[@Surge1077]

The Paramount Plus plug KILLED ME! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@junheceta268]

My cousin lives in Florida, so I wish her and all Floridians stay safe and well. Meanwhile, are you sure DeSantis is still there? Maybe he flew to Martha's Vineyard already.

[@alex35agm]

He's possibly in Mexico drinking with Ted Cruz.

[@shirleyrombough8173]

Unlike Zelenski who said he needed ammunition, not transportation.

[@wrmlm37]

"IS POTATO", is my new fave expression at home. Husband hates Stephen so he has no idea what I am talking about! I find it hysterical:))))

[@ruirodtube]

6:34 the future of elections in Florida 😅

[@lh3540]

I'm going to start quoting, "God, I've been shot!" everytime I get a tampon out now, thanks. 😂

[@a.kenneth3521]

My first LOL of the day. Thank you!

[@shirleyrombough8173]

Funny!

[@lenawagenfuehr53]

Never forget They found a letter from Prince Charles to Camilla (while they were both married to other people) where he said he wanted to be her tampon. Classy people, those Brits..

[@KaraZiasapiens]

🤣🤣🤣

[@citypavement]

That's going to get old real fast.

[@joaobraganca8509]

OMG, that sarcastic joke about asking DeSantis for a plane ride is hilarious.

[@joshuadallas3135]

That poor man in the writer's room bit had his hand up for a high-five and was left hanging. That is a unique pain and deserves a moment of silence.

[@skoshman1]

Fun fact about pads and tampons at war: They are dead serious and these should be in any serious first aid kit. Also, was a common part of a person first kit of American soliders during the Vietnam War. Wasn't suppied by the military - was supplied by writing home.

[@DustyJones1997BGCL]

To honestly think that once Florida gets pounded by this hurricane Biden is still going to be willing to help Florida because he cares about America but Deathsantis will try to make it seem like it's a bad thing I hope he loses in November vote for Charlie Crist.

[@stanbyme7874]

For the PEOPLE, by the PEOPLE (said no MAGAhat)

[@ritacuartas6695]

That is not true! DeathSantis would not make it seem as if it's a bad thing! He would just take credit for it himself!

[@cindypomerleau950]

DeSatan is even more deranged and cruel than TFG. Come on Florida. Vote blue, not Q.

[@TheDarkness1]

He'll rename it hurricane Ron and proclaim it's bringing water to thirsty Floridans. Hot wind DeSantis strikes again.

[@alansheiman4818]

@@ritacuartas6695 I thought his name was DeSatin.

[@SuperlativeCG]

The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone on Earth's history.

[@henrygvidonas9573]

Birds didn't exist back then, they developed later. So no, it wasn't... (Sorry!)

[@mudmug1]

Nice. Very nice

[@purplefood1]

Technically it led to them existing we don't know if they would have evolved otherwise. It's the only stone that's ever created birds

[@racookster]

@@henrygvidonas9573- Modern birds originated about 100 million years ago. The asteroid struck about 65 million years ago. So, birds did exist and I'm sure the asteroid killed quite a few... along with a lot of everything else. I'm sure the OP was alluding to the fact that birds ARE theropod dinosaurs, though.

[@annalieff-saxby568]

@@racookster I thought that was the point of the joke?

[@kuromikendall]

The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love your decisions. ♡

[@Lisared023]

Priceless: tell DeSantis you're Venezuelan. Maybe he'll give you a free plane ride to Martha's Vineyard. 😂😂😂😂

[@ninnusridhar]

With all the terrible things going on in this world, the various wars, natural disasters, destruction of democracies, the dont worry darling press tour, and the big mac Watching genuine joy from a truly impressive human achivement is just refreshing

[@RaeCarson]

Especially when said human achievement ultimately benefits the entirety of planet Earth, not merely humans. Massive meotoric impact is no joke.....look at the dinosaurs.

[@eriksigalraven8340]

Dont you know russian government drafting convicted rapists and maniacs?

[@bladerunner7146]

I found that last skit about the comedy writer's countdown incredibly creative. Let's check in two months whether it was also funny. 😆

[@mr.dragoncrypto4138]

DART is such an amazing accomplishment 👏 🙌. Should get a Guinness World record for longest shot projectile.

[@kazza6078]

Forgetting for a second its a tampon we're talking about - What's worse, being immediately told which supplies you need to aid if shot, or the fact that they have to buy these supplies THEMSELVES before being sent out

[@marshallfaulk6144]

One of the funniest men on tv

[@Author_Alyssa_Taylor]

Marshall Faulk -- "one of"??! I protest, sir! 😉

[@saturnv2419]

Russia might be the first country ever to have people flee because their country invaded other, not because others invade theirs.

[@cindypomerleau950]

Exactly what I was thinking. Vietnam didn't even create this amount of departures. A lot of Jehovah witnesses, I guess.

[@TheDarkness1]

Is mass potato exodus.

[@doughannan6935]

Umm, Americans who fled to Canada during the Vietnam war?

[@teresastillabower8361]

@@doughannan6935 no were near the same thing.

[@alfredkaufmann8865]

Not the first. The U.S. invaded Vietnam and of lots of American draft dodgers fled to Canada.

[@0blueskycomplex]

Just wanna drop a comment to gas up Louis. Gotta be somethin' else pressure wise to follow up a human like Jon. Love Louis 🖤

[@queenmouille]

Reporting from the future exactly two months from now: the joke was a success! 🤣

[@joshuaewing159]

So grateful to have made it this early to the monologue that makes the world go round. The proceedings can wait because the real hurricane comes for them after Wednesday

[@shahnulislam9897]

Lucky for you i saved it on youtube

[@xeruexe1624]

Is that why Marjorie Taylor Greene complains about tampons in the men's bathroom? Did she actually see it the russki malls?

[@singerrb4984]

"Why can't we all get along?" statement from criminal but so true. Give peace a chance!

[@DNTCreativeMedia]

"Ivan In The Skysky." Brilliant!

[@r.a.cabrales1677]

5:18 "Is Potato" 😆 never gets old

[@citypavement]

I disagree.

[@r.a.cabrales1677]

@@citypavement is potato

[@alansmitheejr.]

Russians are already giving the cold shoulder to Putin's draft.

[@simonscott1121]

The NASA thing is beyond belief. The world's greatest trick shot, done by math geeks.

[@andrewbeasley6003]

It's even funnier, when your opponent gives you the best slogan for you don't even have to think about one

[@O.G.MISFIT]

#KickPutinintheBALLS

[@smrenshaw]

I was hoping that, "Here is your weapon: is sharpened potato 🥔 "

[@jpenneymrcoin6851]

i bet that was a discussion in the writer's room - sharpened tampon doesn't quite seem to fit, but potato would have been kind of jammed into that monologue at that point...

[@debenos]

I thought that too when I heard Snowden was becoming a citizen there ☠️

[@BILL_BO_jangles]

"Look at those happy nerds" lmao.

[@GusCraft460]

Tampons to plug gunshot wounds is actually their original intended purpose. WWI nurses stared using them in the more popular modern fashion and that’s basically the whole story. So yeah, you can thank WWI for tampons.

[@rainbowprism6242]

Was not WWI was when they used boiling tar to stop bleeding?

[@GusCraft460]

@@rainbowprism6242 I’ve never heard of that. There were also different methods used by different countries in the war.

[@stoodmuffinpersonal3144]

Oh shit, no way?

[@rainbowprism6242]

@@GusCraft460 I seem to remember that before certain warfare there was some medical myth that applying boiling tar before bandages would stop bleeding better. It was disproved by a medic who ran out of tar and had field confirmation that not applying scalding toxic mass would let wounds heal better. Not sure during which war it was happening.

[@fionaanderson5796]

It's still taught as first aid for certain injuries in bush survival and camping. Likewise sanitary pads for larger wounds.

[@AwkwrdPrtMskrt]

Dear Floridians (unless you're Ron or Donald), stay safe.

[@IsoscelesKramer]

*or Matt!

[@AwkwrdPrtMskrt]

@@IsoscelesKramer Darn it, I forgot PaedoMatt. Also NRA Marco.

[@uainediabhal9689]

We love you, Stephen

[@dayhefner]

“Look at those happy nerds!” 😂💛

[@shermanculbertson6244]

Stephen’s monologues are always funny and entertaining, no exceptions.

[@jjthek]

It is. I enjoy his show a lot.

[@Sandi-ke9mi]

@@jjthek Ditto. 🙌🏻💙

[@hankakah4180]

Jimmy Fallon and James Corden pales in comparison. I remember when I came on to this channel, there was 3.7 million subscribers, now up to 8.97 million and I can admit a lot of it was because Trump got into office. Always have fun when Stephen made fun of the Orangeman for the past 5 years.

[@strikerbowls791]

Meh

[@generalnawaki]

I prefer to Jay leno's old monologues.

[@MrPhotodoc]

Putin's referendum is exactly what *rump wants for the midterms here. The timing is perfect for him. And potato.

[@suezbell1]

"I'm bleeding; I need a tampon!"

[@sj4iy]

As a Pittsburgher, Fetterman fits in way better than Oz ever will.