Q&A: Imposter, Reverting to Alpha Male, Needing Proof, Transandrophobia, Hesitation, Passing.

Another Q&A, another set of questions as all of you are searching, seeking answers to your pain.
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Hello Friends! I'm Dr Z, and this is a channel where I help you break free from dysphoria!
I am a clinical psychologist specializing in the transgender field, working with adults only. For the past 18 years, my work has focused on Gender Dysphoria and the formation of gender identity. I provide online therapy for residents of California, New York, Texas, and Florida. My pronouns are she/her, and you can visit my website for more info at drzphd.com/abo...
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[@fiamedknuff]

Being attracted to women probably delayed my transition with decades. I had signs of being transgender already at an early age (pre-puberty), but I have always been attracted to only women. It made more sense to me that I must be a "cishet man" who just needed more time to be comfortable with masculinity than being a "lesbian trans woman" trapped in the wrong body. It resulted in endless moving of the goal posts as I always assumed that I needed just a little more time and then I would suddenly feel comfortable with being a man. That day never came.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@Kira-zm7vy]

Same here! Only attracted to feminity. Trans or cis. It doesn't matter

[@wisdomprepper]

When I found myself as a trans woman I didn't even know that trans-lesbian was a thing. I just assumed, "Welp, guess that's the end of all relationships for me going forward, but at least I'm finally happy with myself." It wasn't until I went to a Pride event where a lesbian asked me what I was and I said, "Oh, I"m a trans woman." She laughed and said, "Well, I know you're a woman. I mean what or who are you into." Apprehensively, I looked around and said asked, "Can I still be into women? Because I'm really not attracted to men at all." She laughed again and said, "Of course! That means your a trans-lesbian." I said, "I can be that?!" She laughed and said of course! lol I will say, I do also think it played a part in me finding myself. At first I was like, "Maybe I'm gay"...tried that. It was a hard no and just led to about another 10 years of confusion until last year. Best wishes and much love friend!

[@Camrographer]

Similar situation. Wasn't attracted to men, was attracted to women but I could not fit into the paradigm of being a man or filling the roles of a man in the relationship and the women I dated could feel that something was off. This generally sabotaged the handful of attempts I made and finding a heterosexual cis-gendered relationship.

[@k.lambda4948]

100% this. Now I'm old enough that I have to wonder if it's worth the effort.

[@Shalanaya]

With regards to the Imposter syndrome, it comes largely from the mind in resistance to our natural selves, by trying to compare ourselves with an idealized image of a woman, it comes from doubts and fear that we need to prove ourselves. What helped me to overcome this syndrome was to see myself as a woman that is transcending all these ideas in the head, and even dettaching from the word woman for some time, just to be myself, and what feels natural, and what is my physical or sexual constast in this physical world. By the way, no need to apologize for cursing, I understand sometimes we want to approach other people at their level of language too, so they connect better with what we have to say.

[@DRZPHD]

I very much agree with this. Acceptances is everything!

[@BiancaTallarico]

Thanks so much Dr. Z. I'm definitely owning who I am. I'm T4T and proud of it. 😊 What caused my question were gatekeepers in my community calling me fake Trans for being T4T and not dressing ultra feminine all the time. I was integrating my old self with my new self. I love wearing band tees and jeans most of the time. I even still weightlift. I love myself and who I am. You really made me feel better.

[@DRZPHD]

Don't ever let anyone define who you are. If you bought a copy of my book, chapter 3 in On Your Terms part of the book titled "stop giving others your pen" talks about it.

[@plastictouch6796]

My goal is to be a butch lesbian.

[@Journey-of-1000-Miles]

I think we all know whether or not we want to transition, but we fear being scrutinized, criticized, disapproved of, and discriminated against. I’ve been taking feminizing hormones for over nine months. I only tell those I want to know I’m sure by looking at me, no one even knows. They only see a dude with pink socks and a braid in their hair. other than that, there’s not a noticeable difference in my appearance. however, the mental, emotional, and physiological changes have had nothing but a positive effect! These little things combine into me doing a little more! This is the way I am handling my transition. I want to grow and mature into my authentic self. I feel like a sudden transition would be too tumultuous on too many levels, nor would I have the courage and confidence to do so. This episode of Q and acomma was all very, very relevant. Thank you so much for your terrific work and care!🧚🏻‍♀️

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best!

[@Kira-zm7vy]

Yay! You answered my question! #5. I'm now almost 2 months into HRT and I feel really good. Hormones have already had a profound effect on me mentally. There is no doubt in my mind that this the path for me. Just hope I can handle what other people will do and say. Your book is supposed to arrive today. Can't wait to read it! Thanks Dr Z!😊

[@DRZPHD]

Ohh Kira so glad to hear you are doing well on the hormones! Excited for you to read the book and share what you think of it.

[@Genevieve111]

10:21 100% agree... I've seen many CIS Women get very agressive when they need/want to be...

[@DRZPHD]

Totally! I wouldn’t say it’s a male behavior although we are conditioned to see it this way.

[@Johnny_T779]

It's seen in nature too, you won't mess with a lioness either 😝! The whole idea of feminine weakness is socially constructed. Anyone gets aggro when pushed!

[@wisdomprepper]

Thank you! That was actually my question. I tried SO hard to be masculine when I was a man and even did full contact cage fighting trying to prove how manly I was before I realized I was fighting the wrong battle and realized I was trans. I kinda don't like that I said "alpha-male" but I didn't know how else to word it. lol I'm happy to know that I can be a "bitch" as Dr. Z said. hehe Not saying I'm going to superman punch or ground and pound anyone in the future, but glad to know I wasn't betraying myself as a woman if that makes sense.

[@wisdomprepper]

@@Johnny_T779 Thank you!

[@wisdomprepper]

@@DRZPHD As you said, social constructs are @%ucked!

[@KimberlyWilson-w1m]

As I listen to DrZPHD, I realize that there are more of US than I ever could have imagined. And I realize I need to find my community. I am not the only one. And you are not the only one. We are not alone. Thank you DrZPHD for validation.

[@arvintrevino4622]

Dr. Z is right. The perception of Gender is messed up. As a Linguist, there is a lot to un-bottle. Due to the internet, we have the Globalization of information that is easily accepted and easier to pass than letters from the 1600s. Society in general is what enforces the stereotypes of Gender. People, unfortunately, forget that there are 3 or more genders in different cultures all over the world. In Judaism, there are 6 genders. In Hawaii, those who were Transgender were teachers, dancers, etc. Non-binaries have also been valid from ancient times. What changed? Well... The enforcement of Christianity and the indoctrination of kids being taught harmful verses from the Bible has affected ALL of our daily lives even in the political sector. Religion was never intended in political spheres in the formation of the United States. People hate Christianity due to its enforcement on others' lives. Have you seen the Indian culture protest the U.S. streets to ban the eating of cows? Have you seen the Jews protesting the streets when their business asks them to work on Sundays? It's good to see that many people are being less Religious in the Gen Zs. As for the terminology question, Terminology is nothing more than a label. The real mistake in the 20th Century in early Anthropology these old white, chair sitting Anthropologists enforced Gender and created the now society. Recent Anthropologists, Doctors, and Linguists are trying to change the set principles that were already fluid. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry that we all have to suffer because old Anthropologists cherry picked and publicized articles that tried to erase multiple genders in society. The point being society needs to change and by doing our part little by little; we can make a more equitable society for every person. A lot of positive changes have happened from then and now. We got this! Let's make it a great day today. 😊

[@DRZPHD]

Bravo! Thank you for sharing this!

[@filmvisionary]

The new background looks great and so do you Dr. Z! Happy TDOV! ❤🧡💛💚💙💜💙💖🤍🤎🖤

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and happy trans day of visibility to you too!!!!

[@ronaldcarson2170]

Lisa Carson I take home patches

[@wisdomprepper]

Thank you Dr. Z for not only answering one of my questions in your video but also one of my other ones directly in email. Words cannot express how much you mean to me and the trans community!

[@DRZPHD]

Absolutely! Here to support you!

[@spartysmile5243]

Edna, two young ladies at the carry out where I get my morning coffee are styling your over sized glasses. Your influence is everywhere. That's way cool.

[@DRZPHD]

Hahah thats great. Oversized glasses are everything!

[@Johnny_T779]

To the guy worried about passing : T puberty is like an average one, when did you last see a 14 year old boy with a full beard and angular face structure? Because at 2 years on T, regardless of your age, your puberty status is 14... Ask men of your family at what age they did grow facial hair and put on muscle, and you will have a true timeline on what likely will happen to you. It worked for me 😉. My dad had a looong puberty span, so I didn't worry about it. At 4 and half years T, I just have chin hairs and a little baby stache... Like my dad had at 16 😁. Being a trans man is an exercise in patience. Yes we will have the full effect of male puberty, but at the same pace. For some boys it takes 10 years to look like an adult man... For some of us too. Don't worry, you are normal 😊.

[@DRZPHD]

So well said. Thanks for sharing.

[@wisdomprepper]

To the gentleman from Ireland, I'm a MTF transwoman. When I was presenting as a man I could barely ever grow much facial hair and my voice has always been unnaturally high for a cis-born male. Practically ALWAYS on the phone people would always say "ma'am" and I didn't start transitioning until I was 46. Now, my facial hair is my biggest struggle even with LHRT. I am on hormones and have started growing a decent chest but the rest of my body is still pretty masculine looking. I was a cage fighter before so there's a lot of muscle mass that's REALLY difficult to lose. I guess what I'm saying is on the other end of the spectrum I completely get the feelings of androgyny and I also hate it. I currently live in a very unwelcoming US state and I live off grid so I haven't been presenting much however, my face has become very feminine albeit I fight the stubble and I have breasts. For my safety, I try to "dude it up" when I go into town for supplies but now people look at me even more confused than when I was just fully presenting. I'm only a year into my journey and I hope we both can achieve our desired presentation goals. Hang in there and much love!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing your support to others.

[@hobosarepeopletoo]

Love you Dr Z!

[@rebeccasam3434]

Ugh, that question about trying to prove to yourself that you really were dealing with stuff as a child is so relatable

[@DRZPHD]

It is isn't it!

[@errrkt]

I usually don't comment but, just want to say I am a trans lesbian. We exist. You are not alone and you are not an impostor. The story society tells us is that man+woman is the superior relationship. Comp-het contributes to many of us struggling with that stigma as well.

[@errrkt]

If you talk to other trans lesbians, you will see that this is very common. it makes it a lot harder to recognize we are trans and probably take longer to come out.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for vocalizing this!

[@trublgrl]

I like the background but I wish those little cubbies were filled with all of Dr. Z's amazing earrings and jewelry!

[@DRZPHD]

Love you! Thats great.

[@wisdomprepper]

I LOVE THIS and 100% agree! :D

[@maumihajohn]

Hmm. I listened to a video last night that you uploaded yesterday about a few ways of expressing gender identity; please excuse my ignorance on what was actually discussed (I was passively listening to it) crossdressing, actually transitioning, and, for lack of better words, people who dress up for sexual pleasure. It seems it is no longer up. I hope you re-upload it because I thought it was beneficial and was going to give it another listen. Thanks for your work! Take care!

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. I will reshoot it. Some people reached out sharing that the last group I discussed seemed confusing. So I'll reshoot and upload next week with more clarity.

[@maumihajohn]

@@DRZPHD great! Looking forward to it! 🙂 have a nice weekend!

[@miyahollands6136]

Q2 we can't completely replace 100% of our old self, so don't try! I say trun that mindset on its head. Instead of saying "I don't want this part of my old self, ask yourself what did you liked about your old self and work on taking the good bits of your old self with you.. Q3. Stop looking for approval from others, trust yourself and apply your own analytical processes. When I first told my partner and folks I was transgender, I got the "it's just a fad response!". But, after 6 months of social transitioning, everyone can see the positive mental, emotional and physical changes in me - even the doubters!

[@DRZPHD]

Totally agree. Integration and acceptance is the key.

[@joanna62]

The comment section here shows me what a complicated and nuanced topic this is and how many of us play a role in life rather than live authentically

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@Valerie_Valkyrie315]

I'm working on 'becoming' the person I am and accepting who and how she is. I know who I'd like to be but the reality is different, and that's ok. There's always going to be a blend. I'm a trans woman so that's just part of it.

[@DRZPHD]

I love blending approach.

[@fiamedknuff]

Q: My elderly parents (70s) are reasonably accepting of my transition. They have not tried to talk me out of it and they have no problem being seen with me in public while I wear women's clothing and having visible breasts. The problem is that I can't get them to stop using my deadname and male pronouns. They say that it's a 50 year old habit that's hard for them to break and to them it seems harmless. I have tried to be patient but it is getting harder and harder for me to deal with the misgendering. Any suggestions on how to approach the issue without making them feel bad for sticking with old habits?

[@DRZPHD]

Great question, added to Q&A.

[@patchwork2239]

i’ve had a question for a while. can other feelings negate feelings of gender euphoria? for instance, if i still feel ashamed and insecure about possibly being trans, could that make a possibly euphoric experience dysphoric?

[@DRZPHD]

Excellent question. Added to Q&A.

[@patchwork2239]

@@DRZPHD thank you so much!

[@sdavenport3450]

Hello Drz, i have a question I would love to hear your thoughts on. I'm Mft and 29 years old and 11 months on HRT. I've had a sense that my inner soul or spirit is a woman since i was 14. Everytime i imagine myself older with grandkids i cannot imagine myself as their grandfather, i imagine myself as their grandmother. The thought of growing into an older man terrifies me but growing older into a woman just feels much more comforting to me, like its more in line with who want to become rather than the person i would become if i didn't transition. For me this polarity between who i want to become and what the reality actually is at the moment is causing a feeling of dissociation and sends me into this frantic evaluative process where my gender is up for internal debate its complete emotional disregulation and sends me sometimes towards suicidal ideation. It breeds so much self loathing, doubt about transition and the confusion is to the point where I end up not knowing who i am anymore and feel like i cant trust myself. I feel like im lying to myself and that transitioning is just gonna wreck my body and make my sense of identity crumble. Its like now that i am out and have started transition, theres no going back and im terrified i've made a mistake, but at the same time, i am 11 months on HRT and have moments where having breasts feels really affirming and put me in a space of just quiet relaxation without the recing thoughts. However these periods of complete peace are very few and far between and most of my thoughts are just racing confusion, doubt, questioning whilst trying to be affirming to myself and carry on with transition. Its like i'm a deer in the headlights and dont know what to do, but something still pushes me forward to keep transitioning. Do you have any tips on how to manage this beast cause despite begging for help, i'm just not getting it and even a generalised reflection on this situation would be of great help to me and maybe others too?

[@DRZPHD]

Hi, great question and I added to Q&A.

[@sdavenport3450]

@@DRZPHD thank you so much! ❤️

[@DrayseSchneider]

4:12 What she did was normal. Alpha, so called, males are annoying and tend to trigger aggression from other people. I agree that she was just doing what any other human would do no matter their gender. But that might be me just justifying my own behaviour. I've never considered myself as an "alpha male" but I have a tendency of being confrontational and I know that there is line of thought among some trans folk that we need to be "gracious hosts." While I have a lot of respect for said people, I find that I don't always "fit in" with this model and sometimes don't meet their approval. Maybe it's my life experiences, maybe it's being a parent who's had to fight to get things for their kids, maybe I don't want to be "that person" again who just stands by while someone is made a victim in front of my eyes, but I can't just sit there and do or say nothing when I see something anymore. Oddly, I find that people attacking me directly tend to be less likely to trigger counter aggression from me, albeit not impossible if it gets to a certain point. 😅 As I said, this might all just be me justifying my own behaviour but I honestly think the person asking the question is just being true to themselves. And isn't that our goal, authenticity?

[@DRZPHD]

It doesn't sound like justification, more along the lines of integrity as in: when I see people treating myself and others badly, I stand up for them. This is rare and I wish more of us did this because when we don't we non verbally communicate to that person that their behavior is OK, and it's not.

[@ronaldcarson2170]

Lisa Carson I take home patches

[@aaronmeeks1155]

To reach my expectations, my soup needs a miracle

[@mythornshaveroses6472]

I don't know what to do. I know I want to get a medical professional, that is affirming and knowledgeable. I fear myself for even questioning my gender. The life I have lived, so far, has been difficult. I have several people that I feel obligated to protect, and one of my greatest fears is how their lives will be affected. Is that normal?

[@Johnny_T779]

Yes, it is. Humans tend to acclimate to the pain. Just tell yourself that you will be better able to protect and care for your loved ones if you yourself are perfectly comfortable in your skin. A happy person is more capable to offer help than someone who's secretely suffering...

[@DRZPHD]

Yes it is very normal and I am sorry you are in this position. Suggest asking yourself: can I continue to project and care for them if my health and well-being suffers?

[@colmonhs]

🥰🥰

[@BCSchmerker]

+DRZAPHD *Thanks for this Q&A.* Concerning Question 4 (Time 17:21), a counterpart term for MtF would be *transgynophobía* rather than *transmisogyny.*

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@civilsavages333]

To the trans man who doesn't feel masculine enough . I'm MTF and when i was at my most in denial i was into bodybuilding. As soon as I really started benching around my bodyweight and consistently lifting heavy in general, i was finally able to grow a thick beard which i had not been able to do prior. Only thing it obviously caused even more dysphoria for me lol Diet is a big one too, avoid estrogenic foods. For the jawline, look up mewing. It's a method of jaw exercises that will absolutely give you a stronger jawline if you are consistent with it. All in all, you need to "activate" the testosterone with lifestyle factors such as weight lifting, diet and mindset. Best of luck ❤

[@DRZPHD]

Appreciate you putting this info out there for them! Love "activate" testosterone! I am stealing it just so you know :)

[@civilsavages333]

@@DRZPHD go right ahead!! :) also loving your book thank you for everything you do ❤️🙏

[@wisdomprepper]

As a former body builder/cage fighter, I 100% agree! Also, as MTF...trying to get rid of a lot of that muscle mass and stuff now. lol

[@soxsise8343]

[@perpetualtorrentialrain]

men can be oppressed its just that it's the patriarchy is oppressing them

[@NikolaTesla10101]

I am a trans lesbian and I am fully supportive of other trans lesbians! I love both cis and trans women. Your desires are definitely valid too. 🩷

[@moragization]

You are an absolute treasure, thank you so much for sharing your valued knowledge with all of us🏳‍⚧❣

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome 🫶