Did Depression Save My life?

[@l0rro695]

Wow, this has made me look at depression completely differently. Makes me wonder whether my depression has been a blessing in disguise as well. Thank you for sharing your story, it's one worth telling! So much respect for you

[@lildeathpunk3307]

you definitely could be an author. you are very poetic and intriguing.

[@valeriestevens8719]

'I said FUCK OFF' punched me right in the gut. I wish we could have been the quiet cool outcasts together. Cheers to surviving. I'd bawl like a baby if I had to go back.

[@altonphillips8461]

This video is so touching and emotional. your so strong thankyou for making this.

[@destinyreidel]

In retrospect it's crazy how being a "normal" kid was seen as a bad thing,. I didn't fit into any group growing up, I didn't get invited out, I graduated alone and left the next day. I almost feel more isolated now at 26 because indeed just as you said everyone is either dead, drug addicted or knocked up. I feel like your story is incredibly relatable to lots of people from our generation and although this brings me comfort knowing I am not alone I still feel alone and can't find relatable friends. I take comfort in knowing this video is spreading knowledge that depression can be a saving grace and somewhere out there others are fighting the battle too and winning. Thank you ❤️

[@MaskOwl]

Thank you so much for this video! Last week I got a paper from my therapist that said that I'm now "officially cured from depression". That's only because for the past year I had just stopped telling him about my sad thoughts. I went to therapy for 5 years and all I learned from it was that my sadness is just part of me. And I don't really want to get rid of it. But me being in therapy was really rough for my mom and it made her so happy to hear that I'm no longer depressed. So this is the best way for me to live and makes me understand why you don't treat your depression. Hearing that someone else feels the similar way is very relieving so thank you for sharing your story. I really hope that you're doing well now, even with depression :)

[@AliCat061]

I wish I had seen this 8 months ago. Thank you for being so transparent and using your experience to connect with us.

[@whothewildthingis24]

this was strangely but greatly comforting. thankyou for sharing youre story. youre a big inspiration to me. its sad but so warming to know that someone else has gone though hard times too. thanks for posting this. seriously. youve got some serious guts,love you!

[@AsStrongAsWolves]

I feel this video on so many levels. I was pushed away from the groups I had in school because of my depression & at the time it hurt. Now that I'm also 22 I see how horrible their lives turned do to the fact that they did drugs/drank all the time. I feel now that my depression saved me in ways that hardly anyone will every understand.

[@Qcknd]

+AsStrongAsWolves I'm really glad we could relate :D All the time I say how glad I am that highschool is over, and I can really say I "survived" it

[@EvaCryptic]

WTVR4VR I feel the same way! Same age too.

[@MonikaNikole]

The way you think really intrigues me. Some of the things you said remind me so much of me

[@xBlendaBetty]

thank you so much for this video. I feel kind of lost again since a few weeks and this video reminded me of what life is about, how I have to deal with my fears, how I defeated them in the past and how I used to use it for my creativity and to express myself. I forgot how beautiful sadness can be. And even though it is nothing that you will ever really wish for, you have to see the beauty in it and the beauty it gives to you. You are such a wonderful person, stay as you are. Much love from Germany!

[@raddareneeradda]

I would never have talked as candidly as you did in this video Amanda, thank you for being so strong and making this video

[@TheBookwormMeg]

Thank you for sharing this with all of us. It's a good reminder that those of us who struggle with depression and anxiety aren't alone and a good reminder to those who are lucky enough to not struggle with their own head daily that there is nothing for us to be ashamed about. Please, take care of YOU.

[@bayleeclark7954]

This means so much to me, thank you for posting this.. I have gone through something just like this, stay strong girly xx

[@MichaelBrown-bf7zr]

{trigger warning: addiction} I'm 23, a recovering opiate addict, and I just needed to tell you how much your videos inspire me on a daily basis. Seeing you, what you do, how positive you are, from the simplest things to the really badass stuff, it all helps me keep a positive perspective on my life so that I can stay focused and look forward to the day that I am 100% happy and healthy again. I have a full time job now, and I went from rock bottom to being decent again, but I'm a work in progress. Im still extremely depressed and really don't have any friends left aside from one extremely special and forgiving one. But I don't even leave the house anymore unless I'm going to work or to see my doctor. And it's so difficult sometimes, feeling this bad, and feeling so empty and anxious, but your videos have been such a highlight to my days. It's been over a year now since I last used, and I am so thankful and proud of my progress, but like I said, I'm still having a lot of emotional issues, and it just seems really hopeless sometimes. But I love watching yours and a few other artists' amazing channels because you/they always remind me who I can be again one day, and what I can become, and all the amazing things I can accomplish if I just keep pushing forward. Thank you so much for what you do, because I'm sure there are others like me in recovery, or still in that even darker place, who watch your videos, and I'm also sure that we all look up to you for who you are as a person and for the light that you shine from your corner of KZbin/the internet. Your content seriously keeps me motivated and inspired, and I just needed to tell you that as a viewer and a fellow qcknd, thank you so much. And I also wanted to say that I know how hard it is dealing with depression for such a long time, but I am extremely happy and thankful that you never fell down the rabbit hole of addiction. And if depression or the events as a result of the mental illness hindered it, it happened for a reason, and it's such an amazing thing, even if the road to avoiding it was full of emptiness. I'm so thankful that you're still here. I'm sorry for the super long comment, I just needed to share my story, thank you again if you end up reading this.

[@connienichols6487]

I enjoy all of your videos, and as a person who struggles with depression.. I am truly in awe of how you handle your story. as someone who is older than you,I see how so many young people lose track of the path to individualism and as a mother of two teenagers I hope they don't lose sight of it.and keep their dreams alive and not lose themselves. that being said, the mother in me just wants to give u a hug😊. I know im not your targeted audience ,I've stumbled upon your videos by accident ..but I do love tattoo and piercing, i have both. but just know this was a,very brave story you just shared, losing a "friend" is hard. and you have my sympathy.

[@Brainwashd222]

This video is why I scrolled all the way back to the beginning of your videos. I keep thinking “this girl knows life. This girl fucking GETS it” and I started wondering how and why you are so together and I just had a feeling that you and I had a lot in common in life. I was right. Thank you for making this and it gives so much perspective. People who end up inspiring others and seem to just really understand the world, have been through actual LIFE and you are a prime example. Thanks dude.

[@ellarose9890]

I feel like now for this day and age people know so much about mental illness because unfortunately so many people have suffered through mental illness or know someone who has. You are so strong to be able to share your story for everyone else, honestly its a huge step and you are helping so many people.

[@cloudslei]

This was really insightful, and touching. thank you so much for sharing.

[@ievavaicekauskaite4203]

you are so amazing. I wouldn't have a strength to share that much with the world.You're story is so real and honest and hurting, I only hope that all that you felt made you a better person :)

[@Andrea-tr4oi]

Thank you for opening up about this. You made me realize that I've survived a lot of similar situations due to my depression keeping me pushing everyone away and keeping me inside. Thank you for letting me see the good side of depression even though it is something so insidious and painful most of the time.

[@itscarolinemary]

Your teenage years remind me a lot of my own. I never really belonged in any group in high school, I was always depressed and the people I did hangout with I felt like I was always just 'there'. I tried to be a part of the 'alternative crowd' but I didn't fully get involved with them... I remember at 14 making so many mistakes, almost getting arrested, and I always wonder where my life would have went if I didn't stop myself. All of my time at home throughout high school was focused on studying and then on deviant art where I posted my writing, and I ended up finding friends who understood me there. My depression/anxiety also kept me away from getting into partying a lot, and I kind of focused all of my time on school (grades became my self worth) and writing (where I expressed my sadness) as a distraction. I'm sorry that you went through so much sadness and pain, but at the same time, I'm glad you made it out and you're experiencing a better life in your twenties.

[@marielephant1]

The town I live in is awful. Heroin is the cheapest drug in my town. A girl who graduated from my school last year, overdosed. We don't know if it was accidental or on purpose, but almost everyone at school knew her.

[@TheAfrimamba]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I won't say I know your pain, but you've touched me in a real way, and that's the true strength and the honesty that people with guitars and mics may think they can get through drugs. You are strong, and you never were not.

[@loliada]

This meant so much to me. You're so strong and you've made me feel like maybe my depression did protect me. thank you.

[@kayleraine13]

Thank you for sharing your story. I know it can be hard and emotional. I struggled with depression through high school and dealt with many of the same social issues, mainly with not fitting in or having those friends. Until you mentioned it, I would never thought of my depression and having those benefits, but I see it. Thank you again, it's comforting knowing their are people out their you can relate to

[@penguinbun]

I'm in tears. I can relate so much. It's refreshing to know you went through similar things as me. And even though it was tough growing up depressed, it does make sense now as an adult. I guess I'm grateful for my depression too. Thank you for helping me realize that. 💕 (also I think you are very brave for sharing this)

[@kawaiichickennugget]

Your story seems pretty similar to mine. I'm so glad there's someone else who understands and can relate to how it feels. I've always struggled to find any positives from my life struggles but this was actually uplifting for me.

[@InTheOpines]

It's not everyday that such a dark element of ourselves can be attributed to bring us to brighter days. I'm no advocate for living in darkness but for those of us who always have and always will to some degree, well we have seen it through time and time again, and we can own it. Love your heart and character!

[@dudelit6482]

You really hit the nail on the head on so many levels. You are definitely one of the lucky ones for not going down the life destroying path of hard drugs. It has taken me years to build back up to what I feel is baseline for someone my age. Nonetheless, just as you felt that your time hospitalized helped you become what you are today I too believe that my own struggle saved me in the end. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@charlottesux]

You really put everything into such a unique perspective, i'm so happy you came out alive through this

[@rachaeld7763]

I love you and your videos. This just resonates with me so much, because I was rejected by all the punks and trendy stoners around me too, as well as having a time in a mental health facility. These days now that I'm 21, I've been feeling more confident in making adult choices but also sometimes feel like I missed out. You just really made me realize the gravity of what I dodged as far as drug addiction. And I watch a lot of your videos so I know you've been to Richmond (rva) and heroin is a plague here. On a lighter note I love your vibe. Everyone says I'm quiet, so watching someone on KZbin who owns their sort of more reserved/serious tone of speaking is so fucking refreshing. ☺️

[@jennifercurasco]

Wow, you are a really strong, amazing person. Listening to you talk about this part of your life was really comforting to me, and parts of it I can relate to in my own life. It's so crazy how in our lives that there can be purpose for something as ugly and suffocating as depression. I know mine kept me away from a lot of toxic people. Thank you for being willing to share this part of your life, because it was really encouraging to me.

[@katiejackson2187]

Thank you so much for this I honestly love you so much. Every one of your videos means so much to me. I completely understand the comfort in your sadness. A year ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I thought there was no hope, I was done for, and I had no aspirations. I honestly expected I would end up killing myself before I graduated from high school. I've been doing therapy for over a year and although I no longer have severe depression, there's a part of me I think has been permanently damaged from the intense emotions depression brings and a part of me that's always more sad, more easily affected by things. But I really appreciate the video and you opening up.

[@ChristineBudgets]

That was the story of my childhood. I'm glad you made this.

[@elfindork619]

I know how awful depression can be. I never talked about how bad I felt when I was actually in that place. However, I was bullied HORRIBLY when I was in high school. I'm the oldest of four girls, this is important. I am also on a lot of medication due to several health issues, also important. I would come home everyday from school and stare at the bottles of my medications and think about just taking all of them. I thought about this a lot, every day, for almost a year. My sisters are what kept me alive, I would picture them at my funeral, my mom trying to explain what was happening, my two younger sisters are 10 & 11 yrs younger than me. I couldn't stand the idea of them being hurt and that is the only thing that kept me here through all of my issues and self hatred.

[@JuliRossano]

I think this video and everything you said is so so powerful. I feel that I understand a lot of the emotion and feeling you had/have although I didn't experience the same situations. Thanks for sharing!

[@Thrark]

Thank you a lot for sharing all of this, I can relate to finding comfort in that sadness. I had times when it was really difficult to deal with feeling alone, not good enough for someone else and just so down for reasons I didn't get and no one would understand me or comfort me, even when I went to talk to whom I deemed to be my friends. For me I noticed I could only rely on myself and the only people I felt really connected to were too far away so I kinda pulled through it alone somehow and it just got better, though it is never truly gone and people still disappoint me and prove to be most unreliable when I need someone. I do feel a lot stronger now though, having got through the worst and maybe that's the most valuable lesson it has taught me. I love your positive look on your depression, I'll definitely try to always see that.

[@pilmo6]

This is amazing, I can really feel and relate with some of the things you mentioned, and it's comforting to know that people have experienced similar. Thank you for uploading this.

[@AphroditeBitMe]

I really liked this video. I really appreciate you telling us what's burdening your heart. You're a really interesting person Amanda, stay strong.

[@Varjoalitajunta]

Thank you for sharing you story with us Qcknd. I feel there's not much we can say to it, just listen and give space to the memories and feelings. I've personally been depressed for awhile in my past, too, and now I still have a little bit anxiety even tho I'm really happy. Sometimes I have same sort of feelings, that in some way it might have been good that I wasn't the most popular girl in the schools I was, or even the most happiest one at the times. Nowadays I have things well together, better than many people I know/used to know. Some has grown, some haven't. Luckily I didn't stay to hang around those who haven't. Anyway, I'm glad that you're better now. You seem to be really artistic and such a nice personality throught your videos. I could say you're my favourite content creator since I found you couple of months back. I have watched all your videos since. You're honest and kind, inspirational even. Stubborn in a good way! You have your own ways of doing things and that's really good. I just wanted to say thanks for being awesome and being on KZbin. Keep up the good work! :)

[@chelanacxt]

Amanda, We are the same age and even tho we grow up completely different, i feel everything you said. This is my life with different names and faces. Our experiences are very similar. And thank you for making this video. We are not alone. I'm also grateful that i was too scared to "Be Cool" and just do the drugs everyone else was doing in HS and here I am "A fucking conformist" with a good job, house etc. but i'm not dead, not in a ditch. Sadness me to think that one of my best friends from school is sick with drugs, and just early this month a friend from school OD'd, leaving a kid behind. And i'm upset because pain of my mind still won't go away after all these years.

[@hauntedburgerplant]

Thanks for sharing such a personal story. It's difficult to talk about depression because it's so personal and it can feel like a downer, but it's so important to talk about because it affects a lot of people and making it an okay topic can help a lot of people. Anyway, thanks. :)

[@hollygoodwin8385]

You and your videos bring me so much comfort. I hope that making them does the same for you, you're awesome

[@hannahjervis]

This was incredibly brave. Thank you for sharing.

[@bigempty89]

I can't believe how much I relate to this. Very similar experiences. Thank you for being brave and vulnerable and sharing your story.

[@shandiaguirre9162]

Hands down the best video of yours. It really opened up my eyes about my past .

[@samara-13]

I've never heard anyone say that before about sadness being a part of your being and I have always, always thought this about myself..as someone who suffers and who has suffered since I was a small child with anxiety, I think it can be so scary and isolating but also can make me so perceptive and empathetic. and although it impacts a lot of my life all the time, it's a part of me. and I care for that part of me all the same.

[@mrpearce1979]

Has anyone else noticed how that the "Cool" kids in school yeh, they were popular and had 100 friends but those of us who had one or two friends still speak to that person and being left out are now the more successful people. everyone from my high school now work dead end jobs and like you I was hospitalized for a week or two never had many friends but now I am one of the most successful people from my senior year. I am 22 have been living on my own for 6 years, have a flat and job in London. I also have enough time and money after work to do what I want where as the "cool" kids are now still at home with no goals and ambitions.

[@Amy87366]

You're such a strong and amazing young woman Amanda. So much of this rang true with me - thank you for this video!

[@glamourcorex3]

I was able to relate so much to this video. thank you for sharing your story. it's a hard thing to go through and just know you're not alone. I love you!

[@wildcosmiacollective]

Our experiences in growing up are very similar. The main difference is that I did slip into medaling with drugs. I never touched heroin, but I experimented with almost everything else besides crack and meth... Growing up is hard to do. I sincerely appreciate you sharing this story. I lost one of my best friends (over a year ago) growing up to heroin. She was murdered by a man twice her age.. Unfortunately it's not just her. I think it's an epidemic. We are a culture that shames feelings. Everyone is looking for a way to run. Thank you Amanda.

[@nunpho]

oh hon, I'm so sorry. I suffer depression and social anxiety too. that must have taken guts to record and I wish I could give you a big hug.

[@pumpkinqueen8722]

I feel like I can relate to your story on so many different levels. Stay strong! ❤️

[@varigated]

Thanks for posting this. Many parts was very relatable for me. Much love from Germany

[@prbelle130]

Wow, I had no idea you went through all that but I could tell from your artistic videos that you had to have gone through a lot of pain because it seems like great art comes from great pain. I've been bullied into changing into the person people thought I should be, and still am, and I have defied them, which I think has made me stronger, more confident and given me my own narrative on how I see the world through my own experiences. And I know that some people connect with that and others may not. But I am constantly looking for your videos on KZbin and when I don't see one right away I figure your busy creating one for us. Anyways you and John have a life a lot of us fantasize about...guess hard part is being comfortable being happy when things change or not constant in a decaying existenstence.

[@hunterak4751]

This really made me think more about my life and more things make sense. You are such a great person and i love you so much and i love your advice because it's logic and you're all about it. I feel like that's so great because i am only 15 and watching your videos makes me feel like i'm actually doing the right things like for example when you said that you were greatful that you stayed home on saturday nights and stuff. I'm always home and i rarely leave me house. I mean it feels boring but maybe it's best till i go off on my own. Literally almost everyone at my school talks about how they have done drugs or the parties they have on the weekend and i feel so left out but at the same time i look at them in discust because i feel like their choice of life is somewhat more depressing than mine because drugs ruin you. My dad is a drug adict and he supposedly admitted himself to a rehab like a few weeks ago and i've been really depressed this year because even though i havn't been as close

[@hunterak4751]

To my dad and not by choice, he's the only parent i have that talks to me about my future and helps me deal with things and i can't get that anywhere else and i want to be able to spend time with him every weekend but i have only seen him about 3 or four times and he's been in jail for 5 years and just got out in like April or May and my mom is always upsetting me the way makes me feel about my dad and like she is so great cause she's the only one taking care of me but she doesn't understand that i think my dad turned to drugs and had been stuck to it since he was a teenager because he was so hepless and now his family turned his back on him because they've tried to help but he just lets the help slip away and maybe that's keeping him to do it more. I feel like if i was able to spend more time with my dad that he would get better but my mom talks so poorly about him when my dad talks so highly about my mom. My dad is so understanding while my mom is not and it drives me insane.

[@hunterak4751]

+ilovebotdf ihatehaters ik you're a lot older than me but i feel like our feelings can somewhat relate and i say that i want help but i dont feel like getting help. My mom makes me feel like i'm 10 and i swear that drives me insane. Honestly as such a depressing life i've had for 15 years, i am so proud to say that i do not self harm and it makes me feel so good because crying is my escape from my pain and that is enough pain for me to deal with. And i'm so sorry for going on about this but i really look up to you and you don't know how much your videos inspire me❤️

[@Kiwiyumful]

Thank you for sharing your story 💜

[@lagatitabruja]

Thank you for sharing this story it was comforting. I thought I was bukowski once too in my early twenties. It's funny how we romanticize this. Seems like you dodged a lot of bullets and were clearly meant to survive and do greater things. You are amazing! 💖

[@jakegetscake4672]

i was addicted to heroin for about 7 years and am about 2 years clean now. that part of my life was à really terrible time, i almost lost my arm due to an infection and was somehow able to beat the infection. ever since then ive been of it and have never been happier.

[@just__celia]

You are amazing! thank you for sharing this part of your life.

[@sabrinanol8530]

Thank you so much for making that video , it touched really close to home .💕

[@ashleymarie6222]

Amanda this touched me so much. Thank you for sharing. You have a beautiful soul.

[@100akerwoods]

This sounds like me, having no friends at all and being sad , saved me from falling into drug use ! Now I'm better, I still have my moments but I'm better

[@zombiemuffin6556]

I just found out last night that the 17th person from school I have heard of died. Sadly he killed him self. I feel my class must be cursed. I was also the sickly and depressed person and I feel it saved me in so many ways. ❤️ thanks for sharing

[@georgiaperisanidis]

i feel like i've really connected with this video and it's helped me.. thank you. i love you

[@lesliesuee96]

We love you too! I'm glad you see alittle side of positive in this.

[@sarahperni]

It's so important to share these insights Thank you

[@carleya1263]

You’re such a beautiful person inside and out!

[@aleksandrawroblewska2481]

Thank you so much for sharing

[@herecia]

Shout out to all sad kids out there.

[@anastasiamel6115]

Thank you! Qs(ad)knd and forever cool for making this video! You are brave and inspiring, never stop being you.

[@the_frequensea]

This was a nice video to watch today, I am currently on a trip with (rager) friends and am feeling pretty alienated and left out. At 31 I still wish I could find my "tribe", people who understand sadness, who offer support and patience, and don't constantly look for cheap distraction and shallow chatter. Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience, it helps xo

[@Sandwitch48]

I'm new to your channel but a lot of the stuff you talk about, especially in this video has hit home hard, thank you so much for I guess like talking about it with me... thanks 😊

[@mallorylingan8901]

This is so so so so inspiring. I want to think you for changing my perspective on this. ❤️❤️

[@oliveradams8656]

Stay strong; you're doing really well! 😊

[@stephaniehatcher9165]

Thank you for sharing qcknd. I love you ❤️

[@lauraschneider7135]

This video is so important to me tbh, I can relate to this so much.

[@benisaacs8554]

You are so insightful, I wish my brain worked in the ways yours does.

Your story is really interesting! It's interesting to hear that your grateful and to kinda hear that you are accepting it which I've heard is a good thing and helpful to accept it! Such a strong person :)! Ps. Love your videos and hair and your very beautiful ☺️

[@devildoll4947]

this helped me figure out myself a little more. thank you for sharing

[@flo840]

Thank you so much for sharing this video, your view on this is beautiful and very inspiring

[@mm92806]

Thank you for sharing your experience!

[@allisonstegall4326]

"trading joints for needles" wow that hit hard

[@tigerish9434]

I feel this deeply.. ive had depression since i was 13 and now 22.

[@Bbyowls1]

Thank you for this video, thank you for sharing something so personal.

[@SGTCRAPHAMMER]

That boy friend sure is missing out now , my opinion I think you are just beautiful an even more beautiful in your heart!!!

[@miazetterstrom5443]

This video has just touched me... I know what you felt, I know how harm can do the boys with his confusing bullshit and what is like to be sad for a long time, thanks for sharing your story, you're such an inspiration for me and for a lot of people. I'm so glad I found you in YT, you're so strong. Sorry for my bad english and regards from Spain :) P.S.: can you tell me the name of the song that sounds in the 22-23 minute? Thanks xx

[@cadensmom25]

i can relate to this story alot..i just wanna give u a hug xxx

[@tommyt73]

Qkcnd I connect with this video and it helped me reach clarity as well thank you .

[@jimjimogen]

i come back to this video so much because i relate so heavily, but also i've noticed the song(s?) in the background and was wondering what they were x

[@iriskussmaul9256]

You are a strong survivor!

[@katherinerade]

In this video you totally remind me of you in your old videos with red hair and piercings. The most important thing is that it gets better even when person is feeling awfull in that time it will get better

[@winkywink3971]

Right on 🤗 I am proud of you💖

[@Qcknd]

Thank you!!

[@maksimilijan5029]

you just earned yoself a subscription from me. good job. very good and interesting video. greetings from sweden

[@yeaiguess2379]

10/10 would buy as a book

[@TeddySmithDev]

I was a late bloomer too and had asshole friends at that age. They are all broke af now and some are dead. Feels good man.

[@francineyulo3241]

Hey, have you ever heard of this podcast called The Moth? They do a lot of not-for-profit community workshops in storytelling and they do a lot of work on the east coast. You should really check it out sometime. Been watching your channel for a while and you've got stories girl, you should tell them. ✊🏼

[@taijaweaver6926]

I just think you're amazing!

[@Qcknd]

+Taija Withers Thank you! You are!

[@allykatt4982]

You make me feel that much closer to you❤️