Rachel Wiley - For Fat Girls Who Considered Starvation When Bulimia Wasn't Enough

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Rachel Wiley, performing at IWPS 2015 in Washington, D.C.
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Button Poetry is committed to developing a coherent and effective system of production, distribution, promotion and fundraising for spoken word and performance poetry.
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[@benliow7340]

the ballerina metaphor literally had shivers down my spine for a whole minute; it was so beautiful

[@larrythelatypus]

+Ben Liow I got the shivers after I heard it, how beautiful

[@bri.rachon313]

same 😌❤

[@shreechandran2651]

IK!!!!

[@mishazaheer9254]

Same here :)

[@spikedskittlez]

Ben Liow I knwo

[@danielleradcliff5265]

"A small girl spins gracefully at the back of my throat" that is so beautiful.

[@mamafox5118]

Danielle Radcliff so I reached for her every night for over 10 years

[@claradevicente1517]

Danielle Radcliff but what is it mean like what is it referring?

[@elizabethjeannorman4197]

It's referring to the dream girl she wanted to be, a ballerina. It's supposed to mean that she thought that by purging she'd 've closer to her dreams.

[@Ewochable]

Nope it sucked

[@ajax8716]

That sounds like a fancy way of just saying “I just swallow his nut”

[@sarahneuhaus3868]

the ballerina metaphor is what killed me... this was chillingly beautiful

[@elizabethscarce5486]

What does it mean please

[@goblintiddy4053]

​@@elizabethscarce5486 Metaphor was wanting to be beautiful like a ballerina and every time she purged she was "reaching" towards her goal. She was reaching to become the ballerina she dreamed to be and believed the bulimia would bring her closer to it. Sorry you didnt get a response until now

[@IsabelleMN11]

what I love most about this poem is that it reminds us of the deep struggle people have in order to lose weight, and how the only compassion we have for people sufferring with eating disorders is when they are rail thin and fading away. we hardly ever have this compassion for heavier people. rarely are heavy people is the hospital diagnosed with an eating disorder, they are usually told to eat less. and here we witness someone starving herself but we would likely give her nothing but disdain and disapproval.

[@shaleemichelle]

I couldn't have said it better myself! Their potentially unhealthy habits are met with praise and approval, yet we forget the fact that OSFED (formerly called EDNOS) kills 15% more people than anorexia and bulimia combined. But if I hadn't struggled with it myself, I would have never known that. Because we only pity what we can simultaneously praise.

[@chrisog6547]

+isabelle happyfeet Are you serious? You think 'people suffering with eating disorders [...] when they are rail thin and fading away' is compassion? You're insulting people. First of all, anorexia is the only ED that requires low body weight. Bulimia isn't something you try, or fail at. People with eating disorders are used by people like this poet. They are used as statistics to prove their point, and their conditions are claimed by people who have no idea what bulimia is to try and seem like a victim. Fat people always try to claim they have eating disorders, but it's never BINGE EATING DISORDER. It's always bulimia or anorexia. Never mind how ignorant these people who claim to have had eating disorders are about the actual disorders they claim to have. Anorexia Nervosa is about control, not weight. Bulimia is about control, not weight. Bulimia is about binge/purge cycles, and regaining a modicum of control. Her description of bulimia is bullshit. She describes it as a body image issue, completely about losing weight. It's a lie. This is far too common in the Fat Acceptance movement. It's a vile thing to do.

[@chrisog6547]

+Shalee Michelle Which eating disorder habits are met with praise and approval? Don't lie about the attitudes of eating disorders to try and prove your point. Losing weight is not eating disorders. Anorexia and Bulimia are serious, deadly illnesses. They are never praised. The reason OFSED is not focussed on is that it is a blanket term for all other eating disorders. Your statistical claim is like me saying "people look at Breast Cancer but forget that All Other Cancers kill more than Breast Cancer alone." The reason is that Anorexia is a clearly defined, recognisable disorder. OFSED is the groups of hard to define, hard to recognise disorders. Do not spread misinformation or twisted stats to try and push your narrative. If you had suffered from an ED, you wouldn't want to throw others under the bus to prove your point.

[@IsabelleMN11]

+Chris Og I apologize if you feel that I insulted people, because that wasn't my intention. but please do your best to let go of the idea that there is a "fat acceptance agenda". there is no agenda except asking folks to treat fat people with basic human courtesy, regardless of what you think of their health and weight. secondly, this girl is not using people with eating disorders, she HAS an eating disorder. this isn't about pitting thinner people against heavier people, but acknowledging that the struggle of eating disorders doesn't have a "look". we can't always do much to help anyone, but compassion is free

[@chrisog6547]

isabelle happyfeet As far as fat acceptance goes, it is a negative movement. People should not want to settle for how they are. Shame is not a negative, oppressive thing. Shame is what drives us to better ourselves. Not settling for how we are is part of the beauty of the human capability. Fat people get courtesy much like anyone else. Their weight, though, is still relevant. It shows that the person has less drive to better themselves, less dedication to difficult tasks like maintaining a good, healthy body, and less self-love and self-esteem. This should not be banned or seen as negative because it is a fact of life. Secondly, I disagree that she has an eating disorder. Or at least, I vehemently disagree with her bulimia diagnosis. I don't judge by her look, because bulimia especially is not limited to low body weight. I judge her because she fabricates the bulimia. She didn't once describe her feelings towards control, binging herself or purging as a punishment. She did not once indicate that she even understood what bulimia entailed beyond vomiting. She also insinuated that body image is a cause of bulimia, which is absolutely misleading. Because of statements like that, people think eating disorders are female issues, and that men can't suffer from them because men don't have body image issues. She is perpetuating that and, as far as I am concerned, so ignorant that she buys into the media's bullshit misunderstanding of what eating disorders are. As someone who I love is currently in recovery, and I myself am helping myself escape some ED demons, I find the willingness to lie about something like that horrific. And I do 100% believe she is a liar.

[@kikoonthemove]

"Sometimes I think if I can just reach far enough back for her I can still have her grace." ❤

[@shannonsherk50]

Kristen Van Houten b

[@EpsilonA789]

You know how you find those poems that just make you...burst into tears? Yeah This is one of mine.

[@life.have.smolbagels9554]

Koopa368 Me too..

[@anonillustrations8680]

Koopa368 i just started crying

[@mpeeragloria7757]

Koopa368 am sobbing

[@BelleFlower15]

"A ransom I can't bring myself to pay" calls forth the waterworks every damn time.

[@cold_knees]

I stopped doing ballet when I was little because a girl I took lessons with told me that "fat girls can't be ballerinas". This hit me hard, needless to say I love all of Rachel Wileys poems

[@Nana-gm5zv]

@Ebiegberi Adonkie dude, no

[@blossombassey3863]

@Ebiegberi Adonkie just because your ugly an insecure doesn't mean you have to make some one feel the same

[@WinterWolf1012]

One of my best friends is 299lbs and she is a ballerina.

[@b2stiality]

This woman is the second most inspirational woman after my mother.

[@Dan_The_Dude]

Your mother must be a great woman

[@iCantLogOut]

@Michael Goldshmidt also, you should listen to Blythe Baird : When Fat Girls Get Skinny

[@jazzynice9]

The part when she mentioned about the spinning girl though... My goodness... 😔 What a deep poem...

[@OliviaRylan]

Rachel is ridiculously talented. God, this poem was stunning.

[@anonymous2092]

so is your lipstick! gorgeous

[@OliviaRylan]

Thank you!

[@quaddamage25]

maybe go for a walk

[@calchmielewski9072]

@@quaddamage25 ??????

[@blossombassey3863]

@@quaddamage25tf you good??

[@life.have.smolbagels9554]

"My baby is not just baby fat" Honestly, that hit me hard as a 15 year old who is told I will grow out of it because it is baby fat. It is fat fat. It is also muscle, but that does not make up my whole body's wait. I am 4'9" and 170lbs to 175lbs. It will not go away. It is fat fat.

[@shrinkhalalala6808]

I love you and I feel you. What matters is youre healthy. Take care and drink your water

[@MrSynhair]

"For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf" is from Ntozake Shange, an African American poet who spoke of the struggles of black women of all shades. Excellent choice to give a sort of homage to her Rachel.

[@totalweirdo8538]

Synthea Hairston Hey! I know this is an old comment, but I just wanted to say that poets usually specify if their poem was inspired by someone. It's usually introduced '[title of poem] after [poet that inspired it]'. This sort of set up is quite common in slam poetry, so I think it probably isn't related. I just wanted to make sure that you didn't think she wasn't giving credit where it was due.

[@totalweirdo8538]

@Sherlocking kite You're disgusting.

[@mckenzye8433]

“sometimes i think that if i reach far enough back, i can still reach her” broke my heart with personal experiences:(

[@saritalarasati1594]

That long "ooooh" at 1:45 is my reaction, but mine is 10 times longer

[@ajtxx974]

i dont know i thought it was pretty inappropriate

[@sofiealbertsen3579]

bnar saeed i'm pretty sure the audience are encouraged to vocally respond. But I agree, that was a bit too much..

[@SaucyVideoSalamander]

Cringe

[@sarahmorantaylor]

This is easily one of my favorite poems. The ballerina metaphor is absolutely perfect.

[@HPGIRL1109]

Sarah Taylor in that case, you should check out Lindsey Stirling's "Shatter Me" video. It uses a similar metaphor for her eating disorder. Also, it's a great song. My favorite, in fact. :3

[@jacksnmachad2149]

I'm an anorexic. I don't look like it certainly. Because I'm fat. But I can't see food normally without thinking about all the calories, and when I do eat all I can focus on is "how can I burn these calories?" I've had this mentality for over a year. My friend always tells me to stop feeling pity for myself and just eat. That I have to stop being so negative. I need to stop binging and purging.. That I need to stop self harming. I know they're not good. I've become addicted to the empty feeling inside my stomach. I've become addicted to pain, a smile creeps on my face when ever my stomach growls.. No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to bare the thought to eat..

[@amak7663]

please get help 💗💗 how you're okay

[@hiwoteagebru668]

it’s been two years, is everything okay?

[@Tokuijin]

I don't know you but I'm rooting for your recovery 🌸

[@RaetheSaint]

Wow, her metaphors were amazing

[@wwaxwork]

Wow. I'm sitting here with goosebumps. Amazing imagery, delivered with such power.

[@maximum__lee6852]

The way she used her ballerina dreams as a reference to the way to reach her dreams was so spine-tingling and beautiful.

[@fairyduckling]

1:43 when that person screamed I felt that

[@earthavi]

Oh my the ballerina metaphor really hit home.

[@idkijustsing9869]

" So I reach for her, every night after dinner, while the bathtub fills" That hit me. When I had bulimia I used to hide it through the tub and that just... Wow

[@stellak_games]

im crying so hard right now... remembering how i once reached for my better self down my throat and sometimes I still want to

[@cexilady3333]

Joanna Penso I know you posted this two years ago but I just want you to know that if you have urges that you don’t give into, that means you have come very far and that a lot of people struggle with it but if you can say no, that is strength and conviction beyond what lots of people would commend you for and I want to change that.

[@arasaeissarah]

When ever I see the name "Rachael Wiley" or "Neil Hilborn" I know I'm in for an amazing poem and I am never disappointed.

[@godchosemyiah]

This poem actually gave me shivers because this is my situation EXACTLY. I've always been a little bit too far above my desired weight while i watch my tall skinny brothers eat whatever they wanted all day. And I couldn't purge because I knew throwing up would ruin my constantly complimented "perfect teeth". So I started restricting and for exactly four days before thanksgiving I ate nothing and had this on and off restricting cycle for like 3 years. This is uncannily relatable...

[@elyswatches407]

+Insouciant But the reason they can eat more is because they have a higher metabolism so they get hungrier than you do.

[@itssophied4616]

“Sometimes I think if I could just reach far back enough I could still have my Grace so I reach for her every night after dinner as the bath tub fills”. When I say this one hits a little to close to home I mean this relates to me more the anything and now I’m scared for my life.

[@Bloodanna]

... I wanted to be a ballerina too. It's not fair that only skinny girls get to dance.

[@demiwoods2732]

You can be a ballerina, you can dance at whatever weight you are. If you can move you can dance. Take care x

[@windsofmarchjourneyperrytr2823]

I think there is a dance troupe specifically comprised OF fat chicks. I forgot what they were called.

[@hailiecochran8514]

the way she delivered it.. chills man

[@MiriamGallacher]

such powerful imagery. wow

[@pikazardtnt6544]

for those that need it; For fat girls who considered starvation when Bulimia wasn't enough Mom says that my teeth are perfect! Perfect brother has just gotten braces on his top four front teeth A tiny railroad connected to nothing And mom says that my teeth are perfect At last! My quiet mouth The overlooked The swallowed feelings have all paid off And cultured something perfect And mine My mouth is a music box Stuffed with pearls Perfect brother is tall and lean And eats whatever he wants One time an entire box of oatmeal creampies! But it is becoming more clear every day That my baby fat is not baby fat but fat, fat It is becoming more clear every day that I will not be a ballerina I had REALLY wanted to be a ballerina My mouth is a music box A small girl spins gracefully at the back of my throat On point Sometimes I think That if I just reach back far enough for her I can still have her grace So I reach for her Every night after dinner while the bathtub fills Until one day The health teacher shows us a photograph Of a mouth Crammed full Of yellowed Broken dishes And tells us that one of the side effects of Bulimia is RUINED teeth And my perfect... Becomes a ransom I can not bring myself to pay So I swallow the spinning girl And NOTHING else for four whole days My mouth is a music box Plays a low grinding gear That puts me to sleep And I do not wake up any closer To becoming a spinning girl Encircled in pink tulle But rather still A ravenous Hollow Encircled in this overgrowth I go down to the kitchen I DEVOUR an entire box of oatmeal creampies Before heading upstairs to brush my PERFECT teeth One at a time END

[@grandmasterlex2588]

This is the type of poetry i love so much.... It has a specific purpose and she delivered it in her own voice/ style

[@swampvulture]

I'm in tears. Wiley's poetry always hits hard.

[@kinzie8989]

I started sobbing half way through, I've never related to spoken word so much

[@PonyoIsMyName]

Oh my god the ballerina metaphor I'm crying so much I feel this pain Rachel is describing

[@amandalynn8394]

this poem made me cry three years ago, at the height of my eating disorder, and it's making me cry tonight, hunched over in my bathroom in pain because my teeth are rotting out of my mouth. i wish i could go back and tell that little girl that she is enough.

[@angelsimpson8235]

I think she would rather hear that you had made it ❤️ That she doesn't spend nights hunched over the toilet crying anymore, that she can eat whatever she wants without feeling guilty, and that the people she surrounds herself with care about her enough to help her through. I think YOU need to hear that. YOU are more than enough and you can make your life mean so much more than what you've been doing with it. You are the Master of your own Destiny. YOU deserve to be happy and know that people out here do care about you even if they aren't close by ❤ I hope you are living your best life now Amanda and try oil pulling for the teeth 🙏

[@nylapsalms4678]

my mouth a music box and a small girl spins gracefully that was deep

[@lucyfisher5021]

this is amazing. I have suffered from both Bulima and anorexic symptoms for five years and it has nearly killed me. i think this is one of the best works about the topic and it brought me to tears.

[@jaygarcia6338]

the ballerina metaphor , it's like she read my mind ..

[@lo373]

one of the strongest poems i've heard

[@AnythingWithAbeat]

It hits so hard. I've got a bigger sibling who is constantly put down and compared to the rest of us and I hate that. I hate how they use us as a comparison to her to justify their ugly comments. I hate how it must make her feel towards us being unwillingly creating that standard of size.

[@daniellanunez4121]

just crying because everything im going through you just verbalized so eloquently

[@shataviaandrews6037]

this never and I mean NEVER gets old. I always end up back here

[@katshumack3877]

This is the most beautiful thing ever! The ballerina metaphor breaks my heart every time! She is amazing!

[@lakeleaf9]

how did she even come up with the ballerina metaphor??? absolutely incredible. probably one of the best metaphors - if not the best - that i’ve ever heard.

[@BrokenInsanity01]

this was posted 8 years ago, and i’m checking my old youtube account. i was 15 when this came out, obese, and struggling with BED. i’m turning 24 next week and i’m in recovery for bulimia. the ballerina metaphor killed me then, and it kills me now. i really did want to be a ballerina.

[@aurelievanmechelen1706]

Literally had to pause this video 3 times in order to calm down and concentrate on the poem cause tears everywhere. Those metaphors were just perfect.

[@xNoToUrZx]

I'm literally sitting here in awe oh my god this was beautiful I can't. So good. I don't have words sufficient to describe,

[@Marie-gt2we]

Vic!

[@Salemscreep]

What a haunting masterpiece. This woman never fails to absolutely take my breath away. My gosh, she’s talented.

[@21phanicingpotters52]

I love how you can only fully understand the emotion of this poem if you've experienced this

[@swoonify]

I felt every word

[@cydnibrooks5458]

Gave me chills...

[@jemimarobinson-farrell9167]

This hit me hard. It's everything I went through 2 years ago/still struggling with. Thank you, you're incredible

[@cpinktea]

That hit me deep. I needed that

[@mary-janeoconnell2853]

I can't stop crying

[@kareemxo3]

Same

[@tylerhillridge7501]

BEAUTIFUL! As usual with her. Such power.

[@stuartvolker5804]

this so deep it bring tears to my eyes thank you for this poem

[@gandolfballet3232]

my god this is amazing oh my god I'm honestly in shock after watching this. it is just so good how does it not have more views??

[@georgebachaalani6521]

absolutely one of my favorite poets!! I am so amazed by her. you are so brave and courageous!! I love you :) you are beautiful

[@clarawagner2031]

This is so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. She is amazing.

[@csaw4967]

Just incredible ... hit right at the core for me, with the amazing metaphors and images so perfectly picked.

[@lyka57]

I'm crying. Such amazing imagery and delivery.

[@alexiero3266]

this is one of my favorite poems. It's so beautiful that it makes me feel something even when i can't. I admire her.

[@kikinounette19]

The fact that i did not only consider it, I am doing it to myself right now because bulimiia wasn’t enough anymore … and im getting compliments for losing weight.. I always remember the sentence « if you are not recovering, you are dying »

[@biancacastillo9975]

I have never cried so much this is chilling and amazing

[@MvpQE]

I come back to this often. So moving. So true. Still struggling.

[@nette1931]

I've come back to this poem so many times and I'm still crying. I can't right now. honey *snaps*

[@simplyd2027]

Heartbreaking and powerful. She gave me chills and had my eyes tearing up.

[@annap9804]

This must be one of the most powerful poems I have ever heard. Congratulations Rachel really beautiful again

[@samanthajussieu9216]

Words put together perfectly, i hope she knows people find comfort in them. She is very inspirational.

[@annabeljones-vanboxtel4142]

this is beautifully written and so powerfully, wonderfully spoken

[@cindyrussell5963]

Your poetry is beautiful! so touching, had me in tears. Thanks for sharing!

[@sashagarval276]

It may sound stupid, but one of the reason I wanted to overcome bulimia was to stop destroying my teeth, so this poem really hit me.

[@sophiatrenaryshe-her9102]

i love rachel so much, i was so happy to see that she did another poem

[@emilybrown953]

the ballerina metaphor gave me chills wow

[@himaninarula584]

This lady always leaves me with tears.

[@-Fallen_Petals-]

She is one of my favorites. Always love her work, and always get goosebumps. She will go far, *snaps*

[@erikahimuro8109]

Not afraid to say I cried. This was truly beautiful.

[@yasminemobley7858]

I have to watch this poem at least once a day. It's heartbreakingly beautiful.

[@perrygasteiger4001]

What in the world I was not ready for this😭 Beautiful work, heart wrenching and honest, thank you Rachel Wiley for your vulnerability❤️ This is a gift

[@genevievepidal8155]

omg. I've heard a lot of poetry before and this brought me to tears. maybe it was the way she spoke, along with the words that were spoken. honestly, it shocked me how emotional I got . so 👏🏼👏🏼 great job!

[@thegnote6531]

I love her poetry so much. She's one of my favorites.

[@danyukhin]

I'm bawling, this is so impactful

[@Maribeth0801]

The amount of painful emotion you hear in her voice, see in her eyes, & feel from her words is overwhelmingly breath taking. I am in tears. I believe that I have found my favorite (slam) poet, Rachel. You are absolutely beautiful.

[@DiorStarTv]

Rachel, you are AMAZING!! Please don't ever stop what you're doing. This poem hit me so hard. I can't stop crying !!

[@uroojmirza2142]

This hit closer to home than I had anticipated

[@tobeygun]

Perfect. You and your poem.

[@nataliai.797]

I wanted to be a dancer, but when I was on stage performing, my co-dancers said I looked as if I was reaching for some doughnuts.... I stopped dancing and now I am just a worthless bulimic... this poem's really great, please don't you dare give up your dreams like me....

[@mackenzie3374]

Wow that is horrible I am so sorry that happened they sound like terrible people

[@nataliai.797]

+Mackenzie Dyer Actually, it was for good, probably, 'cause I found different dreams to follow :) I love drawing, I am studying arts and I hope to be an illustrator :D I tried lots of things and some just didn't work out (same with basketball, my team mates threw trash bins at me.... or some stole my poetry and put it into some stranger's mail box or...) BUT NO MATTER WHAT, LET'S TRY OUT BEST!! :D There's no other way :) (I am going to try my best and run away from home, wish me luck ;)

[@nataliai.797]

+Natalia I. I still regret giving up on dancing though....

[@amak7663]

fuck them be you and DANCE AGAIN

[@singinwithceline]

Oh darling! You are not at all worthless! I hope and pray you find healing and recovery. It can be done.

[@MsChristinaduke]

I cry overtime that I listen to this...

[@thtlooksrusty1434]

I had tearssss by the end of the poem maann🤍

[@robingupta5057]

I cannot go to sleep without watching this every night. Every single line is so powerful and on point like a ballerina! ❤️

[@violetleelee6225]

truly stunning, i have goosebumps and oddly enough no words for how amazing this is, but it is gorgeous

[@ikbenElize1]

This was so beautiful and powerful, I got the chills

[@20KadamsMaclay00]

I shivered, I cried. Outstanding.

[@sydneyberggren5887]

I cried.... That was beautiful

[@meghanleander8403]

You can really feel her pain and sorrow. This poem is full of woe, it hit me where it hurts. We all are beautiful in our own ways and we shouldn’t be criticized for those ways. We should praise each other for our differences, because withought different people, the world would be an even sadder place. *Never let anybody say that you are ugly/worthless. You are beautiful the way you are.*

[@victoriaward6567]

I relate to this too much, Rachel is so inspirational

[@samanthasherman6750]

this was amazing. absolutely shattering.

[@CutthroatConscience]

I'm not crying you're crying

[@cheriquecampbell9549]

this was so good

[@MetalMouth6963]

This has been one of my favorite poems since I first found it. Im glad to say when I found this, I hated myself. Hated how I looked. But now I love myself. I love that my calves are strong and help move me where ever I need to go. My hips fit my frame and my husband loves them. My stomach houses all of my organs and keeps them safe and makes a perfect napping spot for my pets I love myself and I couldnt say that before