(Re)learning forgiveness | Kimberly Yates | TEDxCUNY

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. After a life-changing head injury, Kimberly Yates realized that the path to forgiveness was not what it seemed to be. In describing what she learned after stepping outside of her comfort zone, Kimberly teaches us to take a long, hard look at how we forgive.
Kimberly Yates is an actress and director. Some of her favorite projects include the LA Premiere of Elizabeth Meriwether’s The Mistakes Madeline Made (Beth), Richmond Shakespeare Festival: As You Like It (Celia), King Lear (Goneril), A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Helena), and on film-Relatively Speaking (opposite Jim Parsons). She is the Artistic Director of Moxie Street Picture Shows and a proud member of the Theatre of Note.
About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

[@nickandchrismom]

This talk is among my top 5 TedTalks. I really got a lot from this. I loved the parts about " real forgiveness is unconditional, name the offense, forgive it in love."

[@user-ck6yl6qb2g]

Finally someone really intelligent on a TED talk. She formulated her claims brightly, and was honest. truly honest and not just trying to make herself look good - like most of the TED talkers iv'e seen so far. I really liked your message and think it's wise and true. Thank you for your honesty and wisdom.

[@alsmith5526]

It is from the bible

[@AdjustibleGrip]

I'm just a kid and usually when I see my parents listening to speeches, I go into my bedroom and do my own thing. This time I stayed for the whole lot. You're on to something.

[@nickandchrismom]

Awesome. Always forgive as soon as possible. You're a smart kid! God bless you!!

[@normbabbitt4325]

I love these lines from her inspiring talk: "Live in the holy present." & "Forgiveness is the greatest love story ever told."

[@nickandchrismom]

I concur.

[@constanzaortega4719]

Im just wondering why not a bizzilion views...?????. This was one of the best TED x talks I have ever seen. And I’ve seen several. Big Ups, Kimberly Yates! This was really, reeeeally good 👍❤️

[@sharonzeh8980]

Thank you this helped me somuch! I found this video right after i had prayed to god and asked for help. It was god sent!

[@SunsetCharmTwilight]

This talk was really inspirational but it's really heartbreaking to hear about this story. How it took so long to crack this case to the point where she basically lost the love of her life

[@melodycooperjones627]

This was AMAZING! I was hooked and pulled into this in the first 2 minutes. It was smart, and concise, and so moving. I could watch this over and over again and get something different every time. I enjoy her as a speaker. You should have her back

[@chelseanikole7793]

That was powerful. She got me in three minutes.

[@KevinMelgar]

today at my job i was just playing with my friend and accidentally I hit him on the eye i felt so bad i was ashamed for what I did to him two hours later I told him I’m sorry I apologized to him I wanted to cry and hug him I couldn’t I just put my hand on his shoulder and walked away around 2 pm he forgave me he didn’t say anything he just keep treating me like he used to I’m feel happy and I felt like a hundreds pounds he took off my chest I felt so free

[@mariesavannah2369]

Thank you lady as a christian i thought i understood what forgiveness is but when i heard your story it has allow me to see that i dont know nothing yet everything happen for a reason you are bless that God has given you that experience he knew that this situation will be a blessing for you and for us thank you so much for sharing

[@K33PMYLOVE]

I think this just changed my life.

[@callumwebb4927]

myoclonic.jerk Well you're easy to impress

[@MsKimberlyYates]

That makes my day!

[@tarunarjunbk8247]

@@callumwebb4927 you never know what the other person is going through ... so .....

[@aubreysnyder338]

Need this. I've had a problem holding onto pain for all my life. I try so hard to actually forgive but when patters repeat, I would remember the past issues related. Then get mad and sad. 2 years ago I started having really weird health issues. Tunes out I had a tumor in my head. 3 brain surgeries in one year. 10 months after the last surgery on still in so much pain. The pain makes me angry and I push people away even quicker. I have so much mental strife to repair. I don't want to spend my life sick. Thank you for letting your heart and mind open and ultimately helping others ❤️❤️

[@jaison3905]

The ideal of rehearsing a behavior. I can see rehearsing guilt so much that you can become a character in your own life that you don't know how to change. She did a great job!

[@aravindj9364]

Very true. The part about rehearsal was a full ted talk inside this ted talk.

[@amydecker6207]

I needed this.

[@papishow]

This is powerful. I’ve been learning alot about forgiveness recently and this is the best.

[@Px828]

"Real forgiveness is not the same thing as justification." Wow.

[@xpolarisjo]

Thank you for your words. I'm going through a difficult time in my life and I'm learning how to forgive. My story is similar to yours in that I didn't truly forgive my boyfriend or myself. I've been beating myself up for holding onto old hurts and making my boyfriend feel bad for the hurt he caused me. I'm learning if you hold onto those old hurt feelings it's hard to let happiness and love into your life because that hurt is filling up that space ❤️

[@callumwebb4927]

Jody Inkster How about you take retribution, believe me it works better

[@JustUsLeagueAZ]

The title should've been her last line. It will forever stick with me.Thank you ❤

[@alsmith5526]

John 3:16 is what she is referring to.

[@Zombieyan]

One of the best TED talk ever...Kimberly, how graceful of you. Thank you.

[@angalmeida29]

Kimberly hats off to you for dissecting the entire gamut of emotions that come with heartbreak, forgiveness nd hurt especially in relationships that matter. . It's like you were giving me answers to ies toons I've been skiing for a very long time . This was truly God sent . Like u rightly put it . Ask for help and you will get the grace

[@MsKimberlyYates]

Hi Angela - my prayer was that at least one person would get some clarity or answers! Thank you for letting me know that prayer was answered!! I'm praying you continue to get answers!

[@srussifordwilliams]

Forgiveness is weightlifting for the soul

[@kenjilia]

Kimberly, you are very inspiring, thank you for sharing your story and learning.

[@MsKimberlyYates]

Hi Ceci! Thanks for watching - I'm so glad you got something out of it!

[@chinthiacindy]

This was absolutely gold. Exactly the words I needed. Thank you, Kimberly. You are amazing!

[@MsKimberlyYates]

Oh I'm so so glad it was what you needed, Cindy!!! Thanks for letting me know.

[@nickandchrismom]

I agree, love your use of "gold."

[@nellacoiro]

Heartfelt, very deep, insightful and beautifully expressed, Kimberly!

[@markmcmyn8967]

The last sentence she spoke.

[@lisastreet1]

I'm so glad I clicked on this video!

[@gblogan1662]

Thank you for painting a wonderfully relatable picture of problem and solution from such a personal experience. I know it took a bit of time and self discovery to become greater, but greater you are. Thanks again

[@susuilu]

the truth is communication is key

[@ascensionmojo5910]

Phenomenal. Best talk I’ve heard on forgiveness yet and I’ve listened to quite a few. So honest and very well said. Thank you wholeheartedly. Mj 💙

[@unzahid]

Powerful words.

[@lonewolf3828]

Thank you Jesus.

[@nickandchrismom]

Amen!

[@loriwalton7850]

I think she’s brilliant!

[@beverlypasco262]

I love this she reminds me of me on many levels. What I have learned about forgiveness is that sometimes the pain is so great and the wound is so deep that I cannot forgive on my own. Which is why I pray and read the Bible. I find and follow Jesus Christ.! When it’s difficult to forgive I rely on Him who is the author of Forgiveness . I don’t mean to say it’s easy I just mean to say that he comes through and gives me The peace that surpasses all understanding. I always want to forgive, but often times I find myself dwelling on the dastardly deed. When I can pray for somebody and wish them well in my heart and I can move forward. Not easy but that’s the path I found to work for me. Like she said the hardest person to forgive is myself.

[@claireful_]

This is my story too. Thanks for sharing. 🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@lagarduza5600]

Beautiful talk 💞 MUCHAS GRACIAS.

[@danielvichitbandha1053]

Yes, amazing... inspiring and true.

[@cottondai]

Amazing. Thank you TED and youtube for recommending me this video on forgiveness.

[@tarunarjunbk8247]

This was simple and effective!

[@sdboykin1]

...this is an awesome TedTalk . . . . I will probably listen to this more than once... a great TedTalk... Thank you Kimberly Yates

[@deborawiratno89]

Real, genuine, honest, concise, easy to hear from, and you could just feel it when the speaker speak to the audience out of "good will"\ to help someone. Thank you!

[@MsKimberlyYates]

Debora - thank you SO much for taking the time to comment. Feedback is so helpful:). Thanks!

[@MrJuggy2009]

Kimberly Yates thank you Kimberly. When will you be starting your next career as a Guru? :p i say this as a "spiritual" person. how old are you btw?

[@ChillAndSmile]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and making me understand the way to forgiveness🙏, that is a life long struggle that alienated me from love through out my life. We need to talk more, about everything and share our journey with each other 💕 Talk is therapeutic 🌷I wish i heard her 20 years ago, my life would be completely different

[@daisydess7089]

love this

[@marcelaa9498]

Love this. This gives me hope. Thank you!

[@nickandchrismom]

Indeed!!! Forgiveness, fosters healing. Let us always forgive as soon as possible.

[@tumisangmothowamodimo5395]

I needed to here this.

[@MsKimberlyYates]

I'm so glad you found it. Thanks for listening!

[@neogbfe3587]

One component of forgiveness, is understanding and acknowledging those you trust and love will hurt or betray you. However it’s up to you to forgive, walk away/move on and accept the outcome.

[@joveeviernes673]

thanks you..

[@firegirl4Him]

Awesome Kimberly.

[@MsKimberlyYates]

Aw thanks!!!

[@katelynkeck]

I needed this today❤️

[@shameembunsie785]

Your story is familiar, many thanks for sharing

[@thedorkydoodlesden]

Lol thank God. I was thinking the whole time, "geez I dunno I think this dude deserves better." But, more earnestly, good for him for moving on, good for her for realizing her mistakes and growing.

[@jennys6087]

Indeed.

[@nadjmakhanem4179]

Thank you, most helpful speech about forgiveness

[@emhartung]

Was hoping I could gather up some help with forgiveness and I did. Im still processing. Im going to start asking for help. Please talk more about it. Thank you.

[@loveswintertrees]

My ex sent this to me saying I’m retaliatory and abusive for bringing up his abuse that he never apologized for because “you just need to get over it”, and “I can’t apologize because I’m an avoidant”.

[@stargazerlaurent6780]

I agree with Minnie May!

[@jennys6087]

AMEN

[@pecolaraysor9698]

Well said im in my transition of forgiveness and God can.definitely help. The heavens is a great assistance its a blessing thaf Christ , Gods son died for our sins. You and I share a similar story with hurt from a man we loved. But some different scenario. God bless

[@sharonnabel]

so similar to my story

[@MsKimberlyYates]

Hi Sharon - I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Looks like we're all in this "figuring life out thing" together:). Thank you for reaching out!

[@biancamason8045]

Wow

[@lifelessons4812]

There is a small difference between forgiveness and being a fool..specially when the act persists. you can not forgive the same person twice for the same mistake. If you keep forgiving for the same mistake you are being fooled and would end up losing ur respect.

[@KembaCofield]

U didn't listen to what he said. You focused on the offense not the release of the offense.. There is a difference...

[@lifelessons4812]

+Kemba Cofield - if you keep forgiving every mistake of others you become a matter of exploitation....look at the other side as well...what she said might be true but not 100%.. its a half truth.

[@KembaCofield]

Forgiving the person doesn't mean you are their best friend and continue the relationship the same way. Sometimes it's simply releasing the offense/pain of it all. He never said forgive and go to the football game and hang out. He never said forgive and ignore the bad behavior. He said forgiveness is for you. You are still holding the offense of it all captive like a mouse in a trap... Simply forgive them and let the "offense" go. Period. Nothing more. Nothing less. Whoever hurt you, forgive them to release the hurt. You may have to do it several times depending on how deep they cut you with their behavior but bottom line is you don't have to be buddies to forgive them. You are the one who becomes weakened when they offend you. High blood pressure, anger, hatred, bitterness, all accompany unforgiveness. You are the one bothered by their presence. You are the one effected by their behavior. However, if you let it go, they are the ones who suffer. They are the ones who are effected because deep inside all of us there is this thing called conscience. If you are a Christian there is an entity called The Holy Spirit. sometimes they don't get it until later but eventually they do. You would have been ok long before that. I hope this is making sense... I'm totally talking to myself. LOL

[@lifelessons4812]

+Kemba Cofield - yes, it does make sense. I understand your point. And yeah thats true to let it go. I liked it... It looks like you too have faced it..

[@KembaCofield]

Yep. As early as Saturday and I was HOT! LOL However, after I stumbled upon this video, I stumbled across some others. The others took me to the parable of the unmerciful servant in the bible. It was talking about how a fella owed a huge debt and he was convicted to slavery because of it. He and his whole family. He pleaded for forgiveness and his creditor said ok, all of your huge debt is forgiven. He then went out and clowned someone who owed him little and had that person thrown in jail. His creditor found out and clowned him saying you couldn't forgive your ur little debt? I will deliver you to the tormentors. That's the gist but out of that, I paralleled it to reality of how offense works. When I don't release the offense, I'm tormented by it oftentimes. I mean it comes back to my memory often. And that's why forgiveness makes sense because tormenting myself of the offense is wasteful. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

[@lean9709]

I need to know how to forgive my husband 😪😪.

[@Rotceev]

Thanks Kimberly, I was charmed by your story, I still don't get how you can nasa-carry the forgiveness, not let go, but I am going to understand it. oh, and about The love story... you didn't end up living together and marrying, right?

[@JustUsLeagueAZ]

❤

[@SonamSingh-sp6ey]

💙

[@matthewvillarreal9359]

I have this phobia that I’ll hurt somebody really bad and will apologize, and they won’t be able to forgive me. Help?

[@elijahgarcia5504]

Other than forgiveness its a good fairy tale!

[@jonestheikomboy]

What if you don’t have a stock pile of generousity to draw from. You draw from you parents, what if you were trying to forgive your abusive parents. And an ex who did nothing but lie and sleep around

[@paulolivier3254]

100%

[@secretlyclever4062]

I think forgiveness is entirely for you, not the other person. The other person is involved because it's an act that requires another person, but the root of forgiveness to me is so that it sets you free. And if you're in a situation where you cannot tell someone you forgive them for what they di to you, what do you say about that? It all boils down to you when talking about forgiveness.

[@JonathanGrandt]

Forgiveness requires the accused acknowledging the offense and repenting. Without repentance you may as well just marry a man and tell him no matter what he does to you is already forgiven because you forgive unconditionally. Nah. Forgiveness is unconditional in the respect that it doesn’t matter what the offense is. But forgives is conditional upon the requirement of recognition of the wrong done and admitting to it and repenting. Maybe the reason you didn’t marry him is because you knew your best friend would never stop being that guy who had a secret girlfriend. Good ole self preservation.

[@EB-mt9te]

So true. Forgiveness is conditional upon the recognition of the wrong done and admitting to it. It sucks when you wanna forgive someone but they won't recognize what they've done.

[@LLWW]

Forgiveness is based on you forgiving someone when the cost of not forgiving is too hard for you to carry. You don't need the person to ask for forgiveness to forgive them. Forgiveness is to heal yourself more than it is for them to hear. If you wait for someone to beg for your forgiveness you will never be whole. You will be tethered to all those who have wronged you in the past and it will tear you apart. You will never be the best you when you are carrying the pain in every step you take. Forgiveness is about realizing what happened to you was wrong but you no longer will let it control you or be attached to you. God didnt make us to carry these burdens He made us to forgive them and hand them over to Him.

[@stephentreanor5044]

So what if no one else or others forgive you/us?!?

[@aravindj9364]

We then carry the tightness of the hurt/anger/sadness.

[@guelo757]

I stoped at 20 seconds when she used the word circuitous. I have forgiven her for it and moved on.

[@tayapornruang-sri9724]

Love and forgiveness, that are all jesus talked about and died for.

[@dikachiekeke4426]

Thanks

[@alsmith5526]

John 3:16 the greatest love story ever told.

[@regulardude7961]

This is the easy type of forgiveness. There's different levels. She was unable to forgive someone who admitted their transgressions and was sorry and who she had open communication with? Wow. How petty. Wish my problems were that easy. Try her techniques with parents who were never sorry, never admitted to doing anything wrong, and punish you severely psychologically if you try to bring issues up with them. And who continue to abuse you psychologically, gaslight you, scapegoat you, etc going on 40 years. Apparently anyone can get a TED talk these days.

[@aravindj9364]

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. And also, maybe forgive her for not being inclusive of situations such as yours? She did acknowledge she isn’t perfect and was only sharing from her life and experience which is as real and valid as yours.

[@1sportsfan]

this is like listening to one of my female friends talk about her problems. She is pretty though , which makes it tolerable.

[@ShieAyla]

How can you forgive if the other person isn't sorry or accountable? It seems unhealthy to KEEP forgiving someone who isn't accountable for their hurtful actions.

[@salimatadiabate327]

If it is a repeat offender your lessons are forgiveness and strong boundaries so you don’t allow the person to hurt you multiple times even if that means cutting contacts. I recognize how difficult it to forgive someone who can’t even admit and take responsibility for their actions but it will set you free. It will also take time because it impossible to forgive immediately if the person isn’t sorry, it is journey short for some and long for others so don’t judge yourself if it takes longer than you expected and keep in mind that we all have the strength to forgive. I thought I couldn’t but I realized it is a choice that we have to make when we get tired to live in the past and when understand that whether or not the person who hurt apologizes it will not change anything to what happened. They can’t even restore what they owe us , only God can .

[@mayankkataria7080]

Lannisters always pays their debt.

[@jonathanchow3401]

Living in the moment is a small part of forgiveness. Your insights in forgiveness is lacking. Forgiveness the act of forgetting what others owe to you. The benefit is being able to live in the present (especially if the person can never give you back what is owed, eg. a childhood). bringing forgiveness forward as you did cast unforgiveness in a bad light. It is neither good nor bad, it is a decision.

[@aravindj9364]

Maybe she can be forgiven :) She acknowledged she isn’t perfect. She only shared from her life and experience. Like you shared in your comment, which too is beautiful.

[@k_alex]

Good speech. Sounds very Christian to me. You should look into Orthodoxy, Mount Athos, teachings of the Elders, it would interest you.

[@MsKimberlyYates]

Thanks Constantine. I'll check it out. :)

[@troywethe1694]

H

[@qqwwerttyuiopp]

Why does forgiveness cost the giver?

[@MsKimberlyYates]

+Travis Wolfley I think it's because it's easier to hold a grudge - no work has to be done there. Forgiveness takes effort. It's worth the effort but it still costs time, attention, effort and resolve to practice forgiveness. That's been my experience. Hope that helps!

[@qqwwerttyuiopp]

+Kimberly Yates Thanks for your response and thank you for your speech. I appreciate how you delivered it so smoothly in a way that it commanded attention. I've always seemed to have been the person that people apologize to me and I don't remember what their apologizing for. The things that seem to have been the hardest to forgive have been the things that have hurt me significantly and are still hurting me. It's never on my mind until it hurts me again and it's still hurting me and it's to the point I feel helpless about it. These are things that might not stop affecting me, so it's even more important to forgive them because they'll keep coming up. I think you offered a powerful tool when you mentioned rehearsal. And every time these negative thoughts come up I plan to rehearse the offense not hurting me and maybe even helping me! I also have done speech and debate and I always viewed preparing for my my speech as "practice." Now I view it as a rehearsal. You shared so much wisdom in this speech. I feel like there's an important lesson everyone could learn in it. Thanks!

[@MsKimberlyYates]

Thanks Travis! I think you're right - forgiveness is something everyone can benefit from learning more about. And now you can also spread the message based on what you've learned in your own life:).

[@linguinisucc]

I dont like

[@MindTrip888]

So did you marry him? Don't leave us hanging?

[@alsmith5526]

If you are a non believer please watch Case for Christ.

[@kimlove2072]

I got nothing from this .

[@jz2981]

11:05 A rejection of the highest magnitude, followed by a break up at your behest, topped off with 16 months of virtual non contact, a move across the country and THEN you decide you're ready, expecting him to be available, waiting like a lost puppy!!!!!!!! Is it not blazingly, mind bendingly OBVIOUS he would find what he's looking for in someone else?????? Women! Such unnecessarily complicated creatures.

[@chrissinclair4442]

I can't listen to this. Is she the girl and her sister who were abducted by their mother?

[@alsmith5526]

Truth = Bible Love = God Freedom = Jesus dying on the cross for our sins

[@tmnt3998]

what? this video gave me nothing. So what did he exactly do other than proposing you? And you forgave yourself but never told him so he is still hurt but now you feel good about yourself? For me this video was like someone speaking but doesnt know what he wants to say.

[@lean9709]

Sad if she never got back to her boyfriend?

[@huynguyenhodinh8709]

BORING

[@sMASHsound]

she is verrrry cute,,, but seems hiiiiigh maintenance.

[@elsewherehouse]

cir·cu·i·tous /sərˈkyo͞oədəs/ adjective (of a route or journey) longer than the most direct way. "the canal followed a circuitous route" Similar: roundabout indirect winding meandering serpentine tortuous