why do autistic people ask so many questions

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[@PeterJoubert1972]

Ah! Aren’t we supposed to ask questions to seem interested? Fawning a bit. I’m usually not that interested, but want to be polite. Now people get frustrated. We just can’t win. How exhausting.

[@averysadeer]

I know! The other day I asked a teacher at my school about what she was doing/why and she assumed that I was judging her in some way, and began acting defensive/self conscious. I had to clarify: “No, I’m showing interest in what you are doing.” Because I’ve been told many times that that is how you show interest in people and talk to them: by asking relevant questions about them. However, sometimes I get told to “watch [my] tone” and that I’m “being rude”. But I wasn’t trying to be rude I was just trying to understand!!! It makes me feel so self conscious to even speak sometimes. I don’t know how to control my tone, it seems like even when I try to control my tone it comes out with random annunciations that imply things I didn’t mean to. Especially if I’m kinda sad or frustrated, even if I’m still trying to communicate politely people will be off put or think I’m rude.

[@PeterJoubert1972]

@@averysadeer I undersand and empathise with you. We have to keep trying our best. We’ll have more wins than losses. That’s my experience. 🫶

[@lif6737]

As an allistic person, I’ll just say, it depends on the context. Just read the situation carefully, listen to the subtext in the conversation, and rapidly intuit what others need/want out of the situation and it’ll all be clear in an instant. It’s easy. No pressure!

[@diminarchy]

​@@lif6737😂

[@destyniiskywalker]

As an ND myself, someone who asks a lot and who's been asked a lot, there are polite ways to do so while acknowledging others' time/capacity to engage in such convos. They don't owe you answers. If you don't care it's better not to feign interest and save both of you time/energy. Feigning interest as politeness strikes me as dishonest personally-they can probably sense that

[@jaynebarry5658]

We ask so many questions because NOTHING in society makes ANY sense.

[@sbocaj22]

“There’s no dumb questions” ya until us autists ask a question. Even if it’s the same question a NT just asked somehow an autistic asking it is always viewed as wrong.

[@recoveringsoul755]

Even when they don't know you are ASD. I wound up in some comments thread argument for asking a question when someone else made a 2 word comment. Apparently their brief vague comment was self explanatory, but the more I carefully explained my view the more trouble they wanted to pretend there was

[@sbocaj22]

@@recoveringsoul755 YES HOLY SHIT THIS. THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME. I DONT UNDERSTAND IT.

[@s-nooze]

Non-autistics ask annoying questions all the time. I ask someone "Yes or no?" and they ask questions back or talk in long complete sentences and start free associating with other topics.

[@lif6737]

It’s not truly the same question, though, is it? It’s not like neurotypical people collectively decide to bully the neuroatypical person in the room when they ask a question, the point is that they can read the subtext imbedded in their questions and correspondence, you can’t. It’s more like you’re only hearing half the answer, but they’re frustrated you not understanding what to do like everyone else can.

[@recoveringsoul755]

@@sbocaj22 at some point I just assume they're a troll trying to upset me. Making me put down lots of typing trying to explain common sense to them, them continuing to still not understand. But not explaining THEIR point, I finally just agree they're a troll making me do all the heavy lifting while they write just enough to keep the thorn in my side.

[@jesterr7133]

For me , I think the answer to the "Why?" question is simply that many neurotypical people simply go through life doing what they have been conditioned to do, without knowing or caring about why they are doing it. I have had people get irritated many times with me when I asked questions that they could not answer. For example, many years ago I was having a conversation with a coworker, and she was complaining about the fact that she had to switch to her fall wardrobe because she couldn't wear certain things after a certain time in the year. My immediate response was to ask why she couldn't wear certain things after a certain time of the year. She responded that you are not supposed to. When I asked why again, she told me to shut the f up, and stormed off. It immediately occurred to me that she got frustrated with me because she had never even thought about asking that question herself, and truly had no idea what the answer was. She just did it because it is what she was taught to do. As a neurodivergent person, I never do anything unless I know the purpose for doing it, and this has caused issues in the various jobs that I have had. I cannot comprehend the concept of doing something simply because someone tells me to do it. I have to know why I need to do it, and many people take that as disrespect.

[@katlantas5674]

And then they feel inadequate! M thoughts exactly. I realised my questions often nudge neurotypicals to think about something they hadn't thought about before -- which makes them feel inadequate. The worst is when you unknowingly ask about something they are insecure about. They can get so angry at you when all you do is trying to show interest/understand them. So silly.

[@nstinnett6869]

Someone just stopped being my friend because I think I accidentally broke their brain by how I answered a question THEY asked ME! Sent me a real life unfriend text 😂 but wanted to keep in touch professionally 🙃

[@CyFi6]

It's true. Questioning my own beliefs is so fundamental to how I operate and view the world it's almost incomprehensible that someone would do things that go against their core beliefs and values. There's only one way to know if what you are doing is aligned with your values and it's to know what the motivations are.

[@sveadezember403]

Reading some PDA (persistan drive for autonomy) here 😂. I'm the same and think I can understnad you.

[@banovsky]

Me not realizing I’m neurodivergent as a teenager in the early 2000s getting into journalism because I enjoyed asking questions & appreciated the social “distance” that reporters often have from their sources. 10 years later: me not realizing I’m a neurodivergent journalist getting burned out in ever-quickening cycles…

[@b.6603]

Wow this is very insightful

[@ok-gr1zp]

that’s so interesting, i wanted to be a journalist and began studying when i was 18. but then when i found out the effort it would take to be a successful journalist, my adhd said no 😅

[@abcdefg13579ish]

LOL this is literally me.. I think a lot of my/our journalist colleagues are also neurodivergent too

[@EnochaEdenfield]

Same! I finally burned out after nearly 20 year, but I do still take freelance gigs.

[@eagregory1]

Me, but I’m a lawyer 😂😂😂

[@LilChuunosuke]

I had a short phase where I stopped nagging people with the 'why' questions that they always told me they hated and I will never do it again. When I ask a thousand questions, people get frustrated with me, but then usually lighten up later when I get the job done with absolute precision and perfection every time. They don't ever seem to understand that the questions are the only reason why this is possible, but most learn to accept it. When I don't ask why and I make mistakes, you'd think the world is ending. People scream in my face over doing things a way I was never told was incorrect. They tell me I "obviously must have done it on purpose" and that it was "so obvious" that I wasn't meant to do it that way. When I insist I genuinely didn't know, they seem to always conveniently want those annoying probing questions back that they had specifically told me to stop asking. And it all leads them to the conclusion that I had done it wrong on purpose just to upset them. Even when I'm sobbing and hiccuping and begging them to let me fix it. I'd rather be called stupid and annoying than evil and deceitful.

[@ggriffonage]

this was the main reason i quit my last job. in performance reviews i kept getting the note that i needed to "take more initiative" but what that meant was i needed to just know what i was supposed to do when i had nothing to do, and do it right without asking questions how to do it. my boss would consistently get annoyed at me for interrupting what she was doing to ask her questions but she would never direct me to someone else less busy that i could ask these questions. and then when i did find tasks to do on my own i would often be told i wasn't doing what needed to be done at that moment or i did that task wrong. i could never win 🤷🏼

[@michaelpilgrim8131]

I'm sorry that you both have experienced this. All too relatable to me as well.

[@babigirl9111]

Wow i am really sorry that this happened to you :(

[@SunnyDallasRealtor]

Man, this just happened to me recently at a law firm. Listen, I think the problem is that nobody gives anybody a single iota of grace. That goes for ND’s or NT’s. We have a PhD in observing people and we know they don’t treat each other very well and their relationships are held together by a string, in a lot of cases. (They don’t invest the way we do.) It’s THEIR nature to ascribe THEIR own negative beliefs to us. Does that make sense? We also do it. We’re sure they hate us. I think the truth is that their frustrations with us are momentary and fleeting, but they leave a very deep impression on us. They move on quickly. We record it to the hard drive.

[@GN315-pe6ul]

I wonder how many people immediately become defensive when being asked for a why is a result of toxic or abusive upbringings. How many times as a child did you experience an angry parent demanding why you did something immediately prior to punishing you? Then people grow up with an instant threat reaction when being asked why about something.

[@Askalott]

So true!!

[@lunarose9042]

I have also wondered this. Though in my experience I have experienced this type of behaviour from parent's and teachers growing-up. And I don't get offended if asked questions. That said, I've actually thought about the why's. I've noticed NT don't seem to think about why they do things and get upset. Again, this is my experience which will be a small sample.

[@Alenajellybeans]

Or when the child asks why getting shut down with a "because" so they repeat this later in life.

[@LordSethize]

I think a partial reason why people dislike being questioned relate to a sort of cultural narcissism and the power hierarchies in so many societies. Asking questions of someone, especially someone in authority, might come across as challenging them because you're not just following what they tell you. Then extract that same general dynamic and apply it to society at large and people can assume that questions are meant to undermine their competence, and a lot of people are very insecure and therefore they react with hostility.

[@lif6737]

Well it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. A lot of people genuinely have been undermined or belittled through abusive questioning. Assuming that’s what someone is trying to do is probably a trauma response to specific types and tones of questions.

[@SikGamer70]

Or it's simply mistrust. Some people are very wary about answering personal questions when, if answered honestly, the information given could be used against them. Blackmail, shaming, abuse etc. In extreme cases you open yourself up to identity theft or just straight up theft (e.g. giving someone your credit card info). And people that are more insecure will tend to assume you're a potential threat and guard themselves accordingly. That's why people get so tense with questions around relationships, money, religion etc. All very important to their security.

[@robokill387]

@@lif6737 "abusive questioning" is the dumbest concept ever. How do you feel "belittled" by a question, lol, how fragile are you.

[@lif6737]

@@robokill387 Like that, lol.

[@ThatSpazamataz]

@@robokill387 I am baffled by the irony of this comment. And the fact you don’t seem to see it.

[@yellowluma101]

This is a very complex topic, and I think that (at a general level), the reason for this is that neurodivergent people tend to live in a more confusing world. In the journey for understanding, we have to ask questions that typical people don’t need to ask, because it just comes naturally to them. This creates a habit of asking questions throughout life at a higher and/or more frequent level compared to others, as it is just the nature of our existence.

[@louern123]

yeah, my husband taught me that it’s because we live in a different world and we are always trying to understand the world we live in

[@yellowluma101]

@@louern123 Out of curiosity, are you autistic, is your husband autistic, or are you both autistic?

[@recoveringsoul755]

So they got the handbook for how to do life and we never did

[@marocat4749]

I think is its more the "fit in, better not stand too much out" mentality than it coming naturally. Ok the "dont stand too out" naturally maybe that is not a good way to live a life too. Its not a handbook about to do live, juszt about the rules and when to break them i think people have to develope. Which, is really unfair to never actually bring up and expect.

[@jrichard88]

I stopped asking questions when I was around 10 or 11 years old. I’d been made to feel like an idiot one too many times because my questions were unusual or the answers to them “should” have been obvious. I’m 35 now and I still don’t.

[@GregXHunterz]

same

[@RyanJones567]

Same here.

[@marocat4749]

Its sad people often have to relearn questuioning :(

[@michaellemmen]

My brother would always get frustrated with me because I would ask so many questions when we were watching movies together…

[@ken_gem]

9:06 I’ve experienced this recently…I ask a lot of clarifying questions at say…jobs, as an example. And I can feel my coworkers becoming frustrated with me, because what I’m asking questions for “should be self explanatory”…but in my mind, it makes sense that a workplace would want specific procedures in place and I’d rather do them correctly than guess and maybe do them wrong. But that’s seen by my coworkers as me being unintelligent. It’s confusing.

[@ThatSpazamataz]

Yeah I definitely think this is the dumbest part of neurotypical communication. And completely agree with you. It actually is more logical to have standardised procedures etc. the problem is that to explain things is “work” and some people either don’t have time for that or don’t care enough to do it even at the expense of things getting done wrong. It sucks. The only advice I can give is to try to guess how important a task is. If it’s very important and it’s reasonable to think you wouldn’t know how to do it (Bec you have never done it before / haven’t been trained / wouldn’t be expected to know it from past work or life history (I know this is terribly fuzzy and stupid but unfortunately that is how neurotypicals think) then you should ask. If it’s not then you should at least try to do it on your own without asking and if you find you are having trouble identify the exact problem you are having and ask clarifying questions about that specific problem. I know this is not ideal at all. In my ideal world everyone would ask why questions for everything and everything that possibly can would have standardised written procedures like a recipe book. Unfortunately the world isn’t so simple and people are also too blind to their own problems to notice these things.

[@kolitiokada9825]

Hi! My observation & advise is... Everyone has their own agenda in every interaction, do not assume anything - ask questions whenever YOU need to, and it may be helpful to lead with where you are coming from (for example: "I haven't performed this task before...")

[@ThatSpazamataz]

@@kolitiokada9825 yeah this a great counter argument and I actually agree with this more than my own point. My statement is more so only if you are routinely being told that you are asking too many questions. Otherwise I actually think asking lord of questions is the right thing to do.

[@kolitiokada9825]

​@@ThatSpazamatazHi! I am right there w/ you - I ask a lot of questions! A lot of co-workers want to do the bare minimum & get a paycheck - they don't ask questions at staff meetings - they are fine w/ just sitting there and collecting another hour of pay. If anyone asks a question, maybe they'll have to think! 😂

[@marocat4749]

Ther might be also the factor how to ask. Ask if you need, but if they are , like add a friendly phrase at the start to break the ice? Or a please, maybe a please makes it less coming off , an angry response. Please might be a good starter and . Ask if you need but probably adding pleasae before makes maybe people less annoyed? If itrs about importance still ask. And wher you come from is, "i really dont want to mess this up, i need another opinion, i really am not sure. i phrases take the percieved blaming from a conversation, so the i do .... might excalate preevemtive. Often its maybe people just being in a negative mindset and i do .. can take that miscommunication out. Its generally a thing in arguments and fights, it might help here??

[@shaynamatthias]

I think that many neurotypicals' responses to neurodivergents' questions tend to lean towards frustration and anger due to a foundational lack of patience and objective understanding. it's similar to the way adults can get annoyed with how many questions children ask, like you pointed out. I think that people can sometimes forget that not everything is intrinsic knowledge and universally comprehended. there's also this culture of shame around asking questions, plus a discouragement of inviting curiosity, at least in america.

[@Capivaracaoticaintergalapocali]

The real question is: WHY NOT? There’s so many things to learn, to know, to see, to experience. Most of the actions, behaviors, and so many other things that neurotypicals do just DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE. They live in this bizarre behavior where they seem to read eachothers minds and where everything is obvious when the truth is: most of the things is NOT OBVIOUS. Most of the things that happens while we are interacting with them is confusing and have “between lines” very blured. We are the most make sense beings in this earth, in my opinion, and these questions we ask are just the reason why i’m saying this. We wanna know details and make just what is right. I’m really tired of be blaming and calling trouble maker just by being me. My dream is create a internacional complex of houses where only autistics live there and people with the same hyperfocus live in the same building 😂

[@CyFi6]

It's cause we are speaking two different languages. There's nothing wrong with the language they speak, it just happens to be by far the most commonly spoken language of the human race. Think about the English language, there's so many aspects of it that are confusing, don't follow normal rules and is just plain confusing for someone trying to learn. Yet most people still speak it, don't question it and can understand it pretty well once they know it! It's the same thing, and you do it too. Don't hate them because they speak a different language, you've just got to try to learn their language because it's the most prevelant one. I mean you don't have to if you're ok with feeling isolated.

[@ariadnarivas260]

I remember getting adults and, people in general, angry when I asked questions as a kid, and even now, as an adult, I get that exact same reaction. I just got to the conclusion that, nobody can win in that situation if one of the of them is close minded. Instead, I just keep asking questions because it's worst for me to not know than to seem as I'm "challenging" or "questioning someone's authority".

[@spaghettiking7312]

Asking so many questions is the story of my life. Sometimes people like it, sometimes people don't care, sometimes people hate it, but nonetheless, I always want to know the truth.

[@isabelle7790]

I think autistic/neurodivergent individuals ask so many questions in work/career-related situations because many of us are people pleasers and we want to do our best and not disappoint others. Our minds work differently than the minds of neurotypicals so we might interpret instructions differently. Also, doing things correctly the first time as a result of asking questions is a good way to avoid conflict/criticism about our work/performance later on (this conflict could cause stress, anxiety, feelings of disappointment in ourselves, etc)

[@Kloops]

I got a job last week and started on Monday. The manager at this small office was not clear what she wanted in terms of writing down things in the planner on the desk. It looked blocky and a mess and it made sense to her. But she didn’t say what the abbreviations meant. She just assumed that I would know what they meant by looking at them. It was my first day. And I flipped the page to write on the next page as there was no more room on the page we both had been using. And she flipped her lid. She got upset finally telling me the why of her crazy method. And I said “okay well thank you for finally telling me what you fully wanted and why it is that you want it that way. Because that is important information to know. I am sorry the previous person I replaced did not do things your way regarding this planner writing and hopefully you can start out explaining better with your new employee because I can’t be expected to know these things without clear communication.” And I did not work for her anymore after that. Especially when all I heard all day was “the other woman didn’t do how I wanted it.” Yet she would also say “you can do how you want..” and I’m like no this is not starting out very well. Then I was able to go to the staffing agency and let them know the previous employee they had there does not need to be reprimanded because this manager is difficult to understand.

[@marocat4749]

Oh god, that entitlement, if she at least made a compromise to just leave a post it or, i dont know, ok she did finally, good.

[@rebeccasmith4057]

There are adults that respond to children's why questions by lying bc they're annoyed and want to entertain themselves and that feels insidious to me

[@ladyofire]

You are right on the money. I am known as the woman who asks too many questions. Boy have I gotten into a lot of trouble because of the way I communicate and ask questions. In the black community being neurodivergent is very odd and no one in the community want to hear all of that, unfortunately that's been my experience anyway. I just got diagnosed autistic and feel your videos are very helpful for me to understand the autistic 'brain' as it were. Thank you. I have a lot of gratitude for you. You are so easy to understand and I can relate to much of your content. And I'm pretty old. lol! I'm in my early 50s...let's just leave it there. You are awesome! and brilliant. on another note. I keep thinking your mic is your knee...I'm also known as the silly quirky one...my brain works super weirdly...I guess. Just to let you know.

[@Star_Rattler]

I ALSO thought her mic was her knee and only saw it was her mic like halfway thru XD !!!

[@shirothefish9688]

Man that quarters example was frustrating to hear... When explicitly pointed out a group of items, told under no circumstances to use them, and given a different alternative provided to me specifically for my needs, then oh man thats a slap in the face to use the no no items.

[@shirothefish9688]

Probably also hit me to hard because it hits close to home. I collect unique quarters.

[@Catlily5]

​@@shirothefish9688 I collect coins and I would be mad but to be fair I would have said that the quarters were for my collection.

[@daphnejackson841]

I agree

[@sannaguime]

When I was a kid I asked a lot of questions, but then I learned that people don't like to answer. I learned to just observe, which maybe led me to overthink certain things because I don't know how bring it to a conversation and I also don't have anyone to share and have feedback.

[@markigirl2757]

That’s what I do as well I usually speak when spoken to in environments I feel I can’t be myself I. Bc it’s not always socially acceptable. My job shaped me to be way more cautions and paranoid bc I would run into the issues easily like Irene talked about here. I do whatever to survive which stimulates my adhd on one hand but boy is it lonely and now I will only work part time bc of it

[@alpacafish1269]

same

[@RatsPicklesandMusic]

18:17 I'm a coin collector. So at the beginning of this story I saw it coming and was like "nooooooo!!!"

[@jessicac6189]

I think the whole question thing (like not asking questions is "better") boils down to conditioning of society's systems. These systems seem to prioritize blindly accepting and going along with what they're told, rather than question things. People that don't ask questions are better "worker bees" and easier to control. Just look at the education system. While staff will claim that there are "no stupid questions," their actions tell a different story. A lot of times, they'll enforce the "one right answer" and don't like things diverging, getting frustrated and wanting to know why they just can't do what they're told.

[@disgustof-riley8338]

I think a major part is that padding around questions is required to indicate tone. In your example, I could imagine some simple revisions (including stuff like, "Wow, that's so cool/really neat!") that would help dampen the impact of the question. Speaking as an autistic person myself, when in private, I often drop the small talk padding, and that has led to so many arguments :')

[@ThatSpazamataz]

I definitely think this is part of it as an allistic person. I also think this is one of the traits I actually like the most about neurodivergent (especially autistic) people. I personally think being asked why is really endearing. If someone is asking me why about a personal question it tells me they have genuine interest and if they ask me why in terms of instructions it shows me they care about getting it right. Unfortunately my experience is that most people have been socialised to understand any questions (but especially why questions) as an attack on their character (especially their authority). I suspect this is probably because this is a common manipulation tactic by abusive people. Certainly asking why questions with the intention of making someone feel guilty or stupid can be very effective. (Especially if the why is based on emotions rather than cold logic, for example in the “special quarters” example many people would find that behaviour a bit extra / ridiculous and being honest about why the quarters are important opens the person up to the possibility of ridicule). It is really unfortunate because I am pretty adept at code switching between neurodivergent and neurotypical communication styles (although I will never be able to truly understand the autistic experience obviously) but it’s really something that I hate that neurotypical people don’t ask why more or hate getting asked why and having to “waste time” clarifying things (especially when neurotypical people often aren’t totally honest and even when they are use language that is confusing like in the tv show example from this video) but then have the audacity to get upset that something wasn’t understood properly without an explanation.

[@blackLightYAGAMI]

Funny that you refer to the exclamations before the question as padding. I like to think of them as padding too. It's as if asking the question to neuro typical individuals without cushioning it with the exclamations is you attacking. I recently dealt with a similar situation as Irene. My dad sent me popular prayer and I asked him out of interest, what the history of the prayer was. And he responded with, 'I wonder if you would have asked that if I was somebody else'. Left me in a haze but then I had to explain that my question was to learn more about the prayer to better understand & apply it in my context. Since then I've gone back to padding everything I receive from him so I don't have to get into that again🙂

[@lif6737]

I think Spazamataz is honestly pretty accurate with their explanation. To add a bit to it, everyone is victim to toxicity on some level. Autistic people often have a tougher time communicating with and interpreting tone, while allistic people rely on tone extensively to understand the context of any communication. If you’re struggling with tone, it’s easier for you comments to be misconstrued as an attack, criticism, or as sarcasm, or even for it to come at the wrong time. It’s a matter of differing communication styles and unfortunately a bit of a trauma response.

[@Kamishi845]

Don't you feel this is also gendered though? Because as a trans man, I definitely don't see men padding their social behaviors in the way you describe, but it's something I certainly associate with female social behavior.

[@Kamishi845]

@@ThatSpazamatazThat was interesting to read because I wonder how much of this is also cultural, but I have an NT friend and one thing she appreciates about me is my honesty and sometimes I even feel bad because I feel I criticize her behavior so much at times even though I don't mean it that way but she just rolls with it and seem to appreciate the honesty.

[@Intensive_Porpoises]

It makes sense why I get anxious in social interaction vs just information exchange. Social interaction is full of variables that I can't see, but information exchange is much more predictable and calm. My problem is that I get anxious about asking people questions because I don't want people to see me as stupid or get it wrong. I tend to worry for a long time before plucking up the courage to ask or I just pick an option and assume the right answer like you did with the dryer. I had always figured that people just assume and get it right, but I was confused why I would get so anxious about it and why I couldn't do what everyone else did.

[@averysadeer]

One time not long ago my mom asked me to put a package of toilet paper away “downstairs”, when I asked her questions to get more specific instructions she I was acting “r******d” :(

[@Daxter609]

I hate when people ask you to do something and don't specify it clearly and get mad when you ask for clear instructions. My mom has a bad habit of calling every room in our apartment as "the room" and gets upset when I don't find or put away what she wants in the "the room" because I don't know what room she is referring to.

[@tom1644x]

Sorry your mom was so insensitive. I've always considered that word to be a slur.

[@nstinnett6869]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. My mom uses that word too, but hasn't ever directed it at me and I've asked her not to use it multiple times. My whole life, my mom has given the most vague instructions possible, and when I ask clarifying questions, she acts like I'm being a huge ahole. We just want to put it where they want it!!!!

[@keziaq]

that's why i stopped asking questions, people will always get mad at me, then end up with no friends, because i wasn't able to show interest in anyone hahaha

[@markigirl2757]

Same 😅 I learned to be my own best friend now bc of how isolated I became but it’s nice to not be stressed all the time only now I have issues dealing with sensory overload bc before I was in survival mode and jsut tolerated shit but now that I have my own living place I can finally address my autistic needs and it’s a learning curve bc it contradicts my adhd side

[@MsCc1212]

OMG, I'm crying here. I kept feeling like this may be my diagnosis. It's like you've told my whole life verbatim, thru this vid.

[@acemarvel1564]

What grinds my gears about this is that most people assume we're stupid and then instinctually treat us like helpless children Like stubborn ass parents with super traditional beliefs

[@LilChuunosuke]

I've found I'm always seen as a stupid kid or an evil, manipulative monster pretending not to understand things so i can hurt people without repurcission. I've grown to be more comfortable with being the stupid kid. Hurts less.

[@acemarvel1564]

@@LilChuunosuke Ouch sorry

[@LilChuunosuke]

@acemarvel1564 its okay i can usually recognize the patterns leading up to people resenting my autism now and i cut them off before it gets to that point. I think the last time someone talked to me like that was close to 5 years ago now

[@acemarvel1564]

@@LilChuunosuke I'm mostly afraid to meet new people because they don't care enough to be real friends or possibly in a relationship with me, Ive been seeing everyone else living more idependently having real ships while i spent my childhood battling my mild autism, people who think i need "special treatment" my sibling ignoring me and my parents being most of the time furious at me for the littlest things

[@LilChuunosuke]

@acemarvel1564 honestly same. I'm thankful i currently have a lovely group of friends who are all queer and neurodivergent, but I struggle to make friends without my best friend basically shoving me towards his friends and forcing me to at least *try.* It's just so difficult and so exhausting when you feel like you're putting 100 percent into these relationships and the other person is putting in 10 percent and calling YOU lazy because they can't see how hard you're trying. Its exhausting and has little to no reward. I had similar problems with my family too. It went from yelling at me as a kid for being dramatic to pushing me to constantly perform as a preteen to actively finding ways to manipulate situations to exclude me from family activities so I wouldn't "ruin the moment" in my late teens. I've spent my entire life so far performing for people who I will never be good enough for and while I will put an effort into maintaining the relationships I have, actively seeking out new ones just seems like more effort than its truly worth for me most of the time. I'd rather invest my time and energy into my special interests than people who never treat me right and yell at me for doing my best when they aren't even trying.

[@user_PaperClop]

Just like what you said, we ask questions to understand-not to entertain.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

1:47..... and eventually you stop asking questions...

[@dancingdragon3]

And then they get mad that you don’t show interest by asking questions 🤦🏽

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

yup @@dancingdragon3

[@septanine5936]

If you ask too many questions for clarity, they become frustrated, but if you don't ask questions and (inevitably) get it wrong, they get angry. you just can't win.

[@knzay]

Ugh yes! Pro tip is to watch good interviewers and talk show hosts and note how they ask "why" in conversational ways. It won't always work because there are simply people who don't know how to answer "why" and will feel threatened by it... but for the people who actually do want to talk about the why, its works great

[@scream_kinh614]

This is such a real feeling. I ask alot of questions and my while life my parents have been asking me :why dont you just do it before you ask why?" And its because i genuinely cannot fathom doing an action without reasoning (for someone else, my adhd is another topic).

[@omg-ch9yk]

I'm from Japan and although it is a homogeneous country , I find it very difficult to communicate because as an autistic person, I'm often not able to figure out the "norms" and when I act different from others, people wouldn't take me serious and see me as a black sheep who they don't need to respect or listen to.

[@TheIncisaurMan]

Im so sorry I deal with the same problems

[@marocat4749]

Oh god from what i have heard its a crazy strict social double norm standard thats , insane, fascinating but insane. How can you be that not allowing any direct yes and no. uff

[@pp_h]

Three of my best friends are on the autism spectrum and i will tell you this. I have never met anyone that compare to them as to how easy communicating is! With them it's only a little different in the beginning because we needed to learn how to understand each other. with all three of them we have come to a really strong open comunication where we can ask and tell each other anything without feeling judged. It is incredibly freeing to not have any problem with miscommunication because we ask instantly when we don't understand. Lovely people :)

[@bepis_real]

Thank you so much for this. I’ve recently started picking up cooking by learning under my mom’s wing, and I noticed how often I ask this, and how I’m usually not satisfied with the answers. I’d ask about things that are second nature to her like “Why do we use this oil?” “Why don’t we use this sauce for fish?” “Why do we cut this first?” And overtime it builds up and just becomes “Because we just do” and that’s my cue that I’m dwelling on the little things too much. Well, don’t blame me if I royally fuck up down the line ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[@suu1998]

Relatable. I don't get how I'm supposed to know when to do something if I don't know why it's done in the first place. Sometimes I've fucked up because I didn't know WHY something was necessary so I thought it would be fine to skip it

[@lif6737]

What shocks me about a good cook is how intuitive they are. They might not always be able to tell you why they do something, they just know what works best and what doesn’t and can intuitively adjust, correct, and develop a dish on the fly. My partner is a lot like that. She’s a fantastic cook but not necessarily a good teacher. These skills are second nature for her now, like how an artist might intuitively paint a beautiful abstract picture

[@taoist32]

If I’m attempting to learn something I will ask question after question to understand. Socially, constant questioning will exhaust neurotypical people.

[@Askalott]

This same exact thing happens to me when cooking with my mom!! I try to explain to her that I’m autistic but she doesn’t believe autism is a real thing. She’s incredibly toxic.

[@marocat4749]

To be fair, cooking is a lot art for a reason and creative. Literally most reciepts comes from creative use of resources and trial and error. Basically cooking isnt that hard with basic rules like how longf to boil noodles, to fry the stuff, use seasoning, its ok to mess up, but use seasoning. and herbs. and try whatever at disposal, and its ok to mess up, and learn and . Ther are basics, but its also an art. Can you ask her to keep watching what she does but he stopping? To retract what she does and ask questions. I would find it unbelievable she would dislike interest in cooking. anothe rthing that might come is plain experience with trial and error and not being afraid to experiment, with herbs too. @@lif6737

[@paleobc65]

I was always told I was so “nosy” just for asking questions. But on the otherhand I can be very cold and uncaring. I was always told I was so “nosy” just for asking questions. On the otherhand I can be very cold and uncaring. It feels like I can’t win 😭

[@desireesmith862]

Yup, I’ve been told the same. There’s no winning and explaining this to others will be seen as being “lazy” or “not trying”

[@Catlily5]

I was called a mitotera in Spanish. Cause I was too nosy. I had good hearing and would comment on things people said from across the room. That they didn't think I could hear. I wasn't trying to hear but I would hear it and get curious. So I had to learn to shut up even if I was very curious because I was going to piss people off.

[@memoheyi5767]

I find this discussion really interesting because I realise how opposed I am to being asked questions, especially when it comes to why I do the things I do. When a question is being used as a statement to point out your own incompetence, it feels impossible to explain yourself in that moment. Since they’re just making a judgment about you, leaving no room for an answer. I feel like those experiences can prevent you from being able to explain yourself to others in the future. Maybe it limits your own understanding of your internal processes. At the same time I find other people asking questions to be really refreshing and it gives me a lot of hope.

[@Star_Rattler]

You mention a question being used as a statement to point out incompetence, could you give an example? I'm blanking here and can't think of what you mean. Do you mean like "What do you think you're doing?"? Also, if someone is genuinely asking a question, vs asking a question in a rude way to imply something, wouldn't neurotypicals be able to tell the difference? Like... I don't know. Isn't being able to tell those types of things like, kinda neurotypical's Thing? Something ASD's can't?

[@memoheyi5767]

@@Star_Rattler Yeah “what do you think you’re doing?” Is what I meant, I realise my former comment needs a lot more clarification because I forgot to mention that I am autistic 😭😭 which is why I have a hard time differentiating genuine vs passive aggressive ones and find questions in general to feel so threatening

[@ewitzniq5408]

Oh my goodness this is the story of my life!!!!!! I usually ask tons of questions and people tend to think I'm doing it just to annoy them or they get upset over it and just shut me down. This has been happening since I was a little kid. Whenever I'm asking questions, I'm always genuinely trying to understand what they're telling me and I'm genuinely interested in learning more!

[@ericcarabetta1161]

I can’t tell you how many times I got in trouble in school for asking “why?”, about something, and the teacher taking it personally like I was questioning the validity of their statement. “Authority” figures don’t like it either, when you ask why, which I also do, because F them.

[@markigirl2757]

Me too that’s why as an act of rebellion only act well behaved and tried to find sneaky ways to defy them and get away with it bc I have adhd and find it very exciting and stimulating. Eventually I got caught and teachers hated me but bc I have a good reputation with the administration and other teachers I usually get out of trouble

[@marocat4749]

Good teachers probably not and if busy, might just , not now i am busy, if you still have , later, or i dont know.

[@cynthiag3065]

I’m glad you addressed this topic. I’ve always been labeled as a troublemaker byway of me asking questions. People are generally vague in their dialogue and my questions are an attempt to understand (focus) their statement. This process (conversation) is worse when they question me (ie) like at doctors’ appointments. Then it appears that I don’t understand their questions, but I do. They respond to my question by explaining why they are asking a question. However, I never asked why they asked a question, in fact I don’t care.🤷‍♀️ I ask them to be specific in their questions, but the general response is them talking slowly and loudly.😖 The perfect example, “how are you feeling.”

[@kkuudandere]

I love when kids ask me questions, especially if it's something I'm curious about myself. I also feel comfortable telling kids when I don't know the answer, but we can try to figure it out. I wonder if that's another reason why adults get frustrated at kids' questions: sometimes they ask us things we don't know the answer to, or they point out how something doesn't make sense, and not everyone wants to admit that to a child lol

[@rowanlavellan9755]

Huh. This makes a LOT of sense. I've been confused and upset a lot over my life over the reactions people have to my questions, including a notable set of incidents where a client complained to my boss that I was 'brusque" and "rude" (I was trying to clarify their expectations on how to process certain forms that are tricky, and I wanted to make sure I understood how to address them under certain, common situations, but they took it as me being aggressive).

[@summerreadingnook]

This is SUCH a real thing! I found out people think my questions are rude because of my face when asking them. I’ve found it helpful if I say “oh I see” or “oh that’s interesting” before each question. This works so I haven’t really had this misunderstanding happen in a long time. But it is hard work, because my natural facial expressions seems to be rude. 😢

[@taoist32]

My friends and I would do this to each other so it was natural and not something we were very aware of. However, I did notice, especially one friend, when he asked questions to our neurotypical friends it sounded more like an interview. Question, answer, question, answer. I think it exhausted our neurotypical friends. It was hilarious, but also made more sense that I did the same thing. People get tired of the constant questioning.

[@MrQuantumInc]

I worry that a lot of people are just blindly accepting how things are done and don't feel that urge to understand the bigger picture. I have a special interest in social justice, and so much of that discussion are people trying to question things that go unquestioned, but I also worry that if I volunteered more I would find a lot of people who refuse to question their own habits even as they thoroughly question mainstream culture. Though to be fair, I am perhaps speaking more to my paranoia than experience.

[@markigirl2757]

No ur correct if anything this video making me realize why so many social changes don’t happen and when prejudices and patriarchy always wins despite our progress bc not enough people are questioning things that includes those who are very into social justice and it’s not enough and it will bite us in the end in bc the collective are not on the same page (I get meltdowny or spiral emotionally when looking at social issues that I can’t control. I have no choice but to avoid it bc of my terrible mania I have when it happens I learned to be okay being seen selfish and not doing enough. I’m sorry I am now prioritizing my mental health to keep some stability for once even if it’s in the expense of not doing enough for the community 😅)

[@sysye]

People hate the fact we ask so many questions unfortunately

[@kataratify]

Oh my god this yes! I get so scared about asking anything because I know I can get "question queen-y" and I really, really want to avoid that.

[@jrojas2520]

This has happened to me a lot with friends and family. They get annoyed and angry with me for asking so many questions. My so-called best friend I guess got fed up with my autistic behavior that he ended our friendship last year. He also told me everyone in our friendship group was tired of my crap. I guess Neurotypicals have little patience with Neurodivergents at a certain point when it becomes an inconvenience to them. My therapist suggested that I start reading the room and to notice when someone doesn't like to be asked too many questions or just ask if it's ok to ask a question in order to avoid anger or annoyances from people.

[@chanelle6303]

I relate to this so much. At work I would ask so many clarifying questions and found more often than not I wouldn't get messages back because whoever I was asking didn't think it necesary, it would drain me and stress me out. It was a big step for me that would be missing.

[@theredheadsaidNYC]

I'm endlessly curious about people and the world, so I ask lots of questions. However, I've had people tell me that I get into "interview mode" when I do this. HOWEVER, I find that my neurodiverse friends LOVE all the questions and then we can geek out together.

[@middledog466]

i have kiddos i work with who all a million questions and when i don't know, i just say "that's a great question. i'm not sure. maybe a scientist could tell us" or something like that. they're always good questions, especially the ones i don't know the answers to

[@emilymoran9152]

It's really interesting to hear about this as a common autistic struggle, as it is something that kinda hit me unexpectedly when I stepped outside my family circle. See, my parents are probably not neurodivergent, but they ARE social scientists. So, when they noticed me asking "why do people do X?" questions, they were happy about that and ANSWERED (or at least took that academic "I don't know; why do you think?" hypothesis-forming approach). In fact, they were just really good at giving me reasons for things, once they figured out I responded well to that. And I continued to hang out in academic circles where asking good questions about things tends to gain you brownie points. Therefore, to this day, I still get smacked in the face with surprise when someone gets defensive about me trying to understand their POV via questions! I mean, it probably doesn't help that a lot of us may not have the "right" tone of voice or whatever to make it clear that we aren't saying their reasoning is WRONG or whatever. But still...

[@NFSMAN50]

We are just naturally curious and inquisitive people! Happy Holidays Irene!!!

[@GN315-pe6ul]

The why allows me to use the information to create a social rule that can be generalized to other situations. If I don't know WHY something is ok or not ok, then I cannot generalize the lesson beyond this specific example with this specific person. Without the why the information practically useless to me. There is also an element of consent to knowing the why for me. I need to know why to know if I want to consent to participate in a decision or situation. If I do not have the why, then I am not fully informed and cannot give my authentic consent. Knowing the why protects against manipulation and abuse as well, so those with a history of that may have a higher need to know the why. Abusive people have frequently demanded I do things while refusing to explain why, because they knew their motives were dishonest, unethical, and or abusive. I am immediately on guard when someone refuses a why or responds in a way intended to stop me asking for the why.

[@CyFi6]

Did you ever consider they may not know the answer to the why themselves? I think we get in a habit of thinking that others think and act like we do. A lot of people need no reason to do something other than they "feel" like it. Digging into the why behind feelings isn't something most people like doing. They prefer to do things that they feel like doing and that's reason enough. For us it's not reason enough.

[@GN315-pe6ul]

@@CyFi6 in my original comment, I was mostly referring to needing to know why someone is asking me to do (or not do) something. That's certainly a red flag if someone is asking me to do something and they can't (or won't) explain why and don't want to think about why they're asking another person to take or not take an action. It could also apply to asking why someone else did something, though. In that case: Of course I've considered it. It doesn't change what I need to feel safe. And that's fine. If someone doesn't know they can say that if asked. And I can choose to not put myself at risk of potentially being harmed, yet again, by choosing to no longer give this person any access to me, without it being a personal indictment of them. Just like those who don't like digging into why can choose to not take my choice to not be around people who don't want to dig into why as being something bad or wrong with me for doing what I need to do to feel safe in the world. They can choose to not make it a personal indictment of something being wrong or bad about me. And likewise if they aren't comfortable with me asking, they can choose to not be around me and choose instead to be around people that work more like they do and that they feel safe and comfortable with. Goes both ways. We all get to choose to be in situations that work and feel safe for us.

[@CyFi6]

@@GN315-pe6ul That's totally respectable and I really respect your take! It's something I didn't fully realize myself and I would usually take offense to someone not wanting to answer the "why". It made me feel like they didn't trust me enough to share or that I would pick apart their reasoning if they did. It had never occurred to me that some people just don't know or care about the why like I do since it's so fundamental to how I make decisions in my own life.

[@carnybusiness7432]

I certainly understand the need to keep it more simplistic for the sake of staying focused with your general points, but I also appreciate that quick disclaimer about not trying to overly generalize with ND, & NT categories. I'm ND as well FWIW, but I also think it's important to be mindful when discussing these important topics. I sometimes see some folks in ND forums overly generalizing, or being a little too tribalistic at times when talking about NTs, which bothers me. I think the human race needs a variety of perspectives/minds, and much of the anger I see I think is misplaced as the main problems of society in my view have less to do with NTs inherently, and have more to do with unsustainable capitalism (which is just an extension of the patriarchy). Edit: Oh, and good ramble BTW. No problem. Keep up the good work by asking these kinds of questions, and more.

[@mawadagaber2211]

I’m a medical lab tech .. my job basically requires to follow specific procedures. the steps are written clearly and so direct but of course “ not for me” . i always have questions that makes the procedure much more complicated for me and everyone around me. makes me look so stupid and incompetent because they didn’t mention the “why” . It was really tough but i learned a lot, and I’m much more confident of my infos and skills at least

[@Newjeans017]

Autism is a gift

[@Catlily5]

Sometimes

[@happybubblemanfan]

What’s the return policy?

[@CyFi6]

The world isn't made for the gifted unfortunately

[@hannahmzk]

oh man this is spot on. i've been reprimanded in work settings so many times before i even knew i was autistic and without the proper words to let others know im not trying to be disrespectful :(

[@zachsmith9127]

The artistic paintings and mouse theme with cats in the room you filmed this are so amazing!

[@owentheslug]

Years ago because I asked so many whys i was able to redo the open, midday & closing checklists for our store. With a few tasks broken out that could be left for the next shift if time issues require & other tasks to do if you had spare time so that weekly tasks would be easier. These lists now had a window for when you should ideally do the tasks to be able to stay on track instead of the old lists that were just a list with nothing broken down in steps or details or anything. Somethings that sounded stupid even had a couple word reasons why so that anyone else understood the importance. My checklists got shared with the whole district to be modified to each store. Why's are important because if people understand all the reasons it makes things so much easier.

[@thepupil1013]

😩😩😩 I'm really hung up on the coins!! I'd be devastated! The man told you not to, even without giving a reason, the fact he set them aside, took the time to tell you not to use them, couldn't you trust he had a valid reason? It just seems inconsiderate to me.

[@ajbXYZcool]

When you're overwhelmed, which it sounds like she was, sometimes you make shortcuts to avoid even more turmoil and struggle. I agree with you, someone being clear with me to not use those quarters would be clear enough for me, but I see where she's coming from too. It sounds like for her she needs a stronger reason so she can better plan/avoid doing "shortcuts".

[@thepupil1013]

@@ajbXYZcool I hear you, it's still disregard for his stated wish/will. I've seen a lot of it, I absolutely hate it, and I don't get it. Some people see it as absolutely an option to do whatever and not consider the repercussions in other's lives as long as it is convenient for them. Maybe it's also part of my neurodivergence, I vehemently hate my stuff being touched, especially things of personal or monetary value. It just feels so personal. I believe everything we do towards a person's property reflects how we consider them.

[@anjachan]

I love to ask google and youtube questions the whole day 😂 I don´t like to much asking people directly questions. Because they are annoyed easily. I love when people listen to my questions. With some friends I still can do that.

[@CyFi6]

I'm starting to understand that people not wanting to answer the why has more to do with the fact that they don't know rather than the fact they don't trust me.

[@marian21724]

People usually like it when I ask them a lot of questions like the ones you described. I think it’s because of the tone I have when speaking - people say I talk like I’m singing and it sounds sweet. So what happens is I usually get harassed because people want to keep talking to me longer than I can handle and I don’t know how to tell them politely that I’m exhausted (and also maybe because a part of me remains curious). But, honestly, why is my favorite question.

[@cristinaroe2166]

Irene. I can't believe you're talking about this! I was just talking about this exact same topic with a friend this very morning. Both of us had gone through the same experience. Growing up in England, I was accused of being disrespectful by my teachers for my dozens of questions. I became very hurt by this as I felt I had been expressing my enthusiasm to learn which surely is a good thing. My mother told me I shouldn't interrupt, so I became silent and quite oppressed, knowing I didn't understand but not able to clarify. I found myself outside the headmaster's room on several occasions, this was a strict religious school. When I tried to defend myself, I would get into more trouble! Don't answer back I was told. IMPOSSIBLE. Grew up with so much guilt and a sense of unworthiness, leading to mental health challenges. Aaaagh!

[@AeonZhang]

✨🫂🫂🫂✨ 💫✨🌟❤️🌟✨💫

[@g.h.7661]

the best part is how no one answers any of them. if i ask a question during even the most minor argument, they think im being petty. like no dude, you’re the petty one for making that assumption, quit projecting that onto me! id never be stupid enough to waste my own time asking questions i don’t want an answer to lol

[@revrasheemstewart]

Thanks so much for being transparent

[@sacrilegiousboi978]

In the first conversation, the NT person was trying to get emotional affirmation and support for their decision. The focus for them is about their lifestyle choices and judgment - the social/emotional big picture. The ND person is focusing on the therapies themselves - the factual/logical smaller details. This is where the miscommunication stems from.

[@oliviac6539]

Thank you for your thoughtful videos and dialogue. I’ve gained so much insight listening to your videos and am appreciative of your sense of humor and compassion. Happy holidays

[@ghkdwls]

This video was so educational and easy to understand. thank you so much!

[@winterwonderland1154]

This makes so much sense. I struggle with all of these.

[@eramferguson1701]

It's been challenging for me as of late to ask direct questions via social ques. Thanks for discussing this topic and keep up the great work, Irene.

[@cozyfloret]

my ex used to get so annoyed with me for asking questions all the time and i never could understand why. to me i was just trying to make conversation and get to know him... i haven't been diagnosed as autistic but now that i've taken the time to do research and really look back on a lot of things, it makes the most sense.

[@disaster4550]

thats so intereting, I relate a lot to the guy in those two examples more even tho I relate a lot to the office clip too :D I am the person who wants people to take my words literally, and for them to not guess what I meant. And if I was in a similar situation, I dont really ask "why" questions but I ask a million questions to clarify the instruction, like it wouldnt occure to me to ask why to dry the clothes probably, but I would ask if I have to dry again when I see that they're already dry, and that can annoy people too but I can't help it lol I must know 1000% I'm doing the right thing before acting

[@Yupthatsme_7D]

Thank you so much for this bc this happens daily for me and I was starting to have the bad thoughts about myself bc of it

[@clivematthews95]

I’m sorry, but in those two examples you mentioned, your partner needed to expound on why they want what they want. I don’t think you were being difficult for needing more information. I have been very badly abused as a kid growing up. People were quick to insult me when they requested something from me and I didn’t execute it the way they wanted, but always, whenever I failed it was because of not having enough information. So the older I got the more I felt it necessary to get that clarity, and yes , I too, have been called annoying for asking to many questions, but it’s the price I’m willing to pay over verbal abuse. Worst of all, I recognized that those people who verbally abused me had poor communication skills in general, and so that made me an advocate for those who are talked down upon simply because someone is too lazy to explain. I think you shouldn’t let go of that trait of always needing ample information to paint a clearer picture. You’re more likely to be someone who does something accurately and have peace of mind when you’re done, versus someone who always believes in filling in the blanks. They’re more likely to get things wrong, and they’re usually people who are afraid to speak up for themselves. I really do love how much you’re teaching me about high-masking autistic individuals such as yourself, you really are a light to the world Thank you for another great video 😊❤🙏🏾

[@markigirl2757]

Thhisss and I think bc most people are bad at explaining bc they expect us to know but not everyone knows and it’s embarrassing to ask bc sometimes people can’t emotionally regulate appropriately to answer this is a huge issue with those with adhd bc they are the ones who are bad at communicating. I also have adhd and have this exact issue and it’s stresses me out but if I always just please my autistic side I start getting maniac 😅

[@eagregory1]

OMG I have never felt so seen and understood!!!! ❤❤❤❤❤

[@veronichat]

I have encountered the anger at my questions, I have been like Erin focusing on one thing all day that was going to happen, and even did it while watching this video so this video is really helpful in my understanding of what I do and how others react to it. I mostly ask questions to be clear on what an end goal for a task is so I can better do the steps to get there or to understand what tone someone meant in a conversation. I often get the defensive anger in return and no answer or an angry one, unfortunately.

[@jeremiahk364]

I really appreciate your videos. Thank you

[@Lemigoga]

When I am watching a TV show with my BF I tend to ask so many questions that he gets annoyed. I actually thought it was something wrong with me. Now I kind of feel more calm knowing it is just my autism and a lot of you also struggle with it.

[@autumntolbert8112]

I don’t really ask why you want me to do something, but how you want me to do something, but I definitely relate to that lady asking a question about how to do a task at work, I’m like that at school, oh how do we log in again? Where? And do you want us to write that down? I basically ask a ton of clarification, and some of it may be common sense to some people, but not to me.

[@autumntolbert8112]

And there’s nothing wrong asking questions, it’s how we learn.

[@jonaskoelker]

> 25:00 if someone doesn't take well to your questions, that doesn't mean you have to stop Here's my suggestion: if it's someone you want to have a happy ongoing relationship with (friend, romantic partner, family member, colleague), I suggest going meta-asking something like "if there's something I don't understand, how would you like me to go about collecting more information in a way that doesn't [bother you / push your buttons / trigger

[@Alice_Walker]

I really enjoyed this video. My job is a specialised analyst. Which is essentially asking and answering ever more specific how and why questions about each job. I'm late dx and it makes more and more sense why it suits me 🤓

[@fabiele1508]

First of all thank you so much for the video it was very interesting and I love how calm your voice sounds :) I just feel like sharing something: I have not been diagnosed but since treating my adhd with elvanse which I think is the same as vyvanse (and just has a different name here in Germany) I have more sensory related struggles and emotions feel even stronger than they did before. I always (since I have memories of my childhood) asked a lot of questions before. Oftentimes if I wasn't allowed to do something I would be asking 'why' until I got an answer. But if I still had no answer (because the only answer is "Because I said so") and I really wanted to do a certain thing, or know a certain thing I get so irritated that I have to cry, feel the urge to hit myself, shake myself and everything. What makes it even harder is the rejection sensitivity dysphoria is even louder at this moment because I left my "people pleasing bubble" to get an answer and often irritate the other person in a way that they seem mad at me for asking. Somehow, since treating my adhd also the light, and voices become unbearable in these situations. Just a little tmi from yesterday as an example: My brother had some paper with (non-personalized) questions for my mother to answer because he is going through testing for autism. (FYI the paper was blank, no questions answered) I was looking at it, since I really got into research mode about austism and the origin of the term aspergers earlier that day/week (Definitely am really hyperfixated on the topic right now). He snaps it out of my hands and tells me to not read it. Me not understanding why, starts asking for him to tell me the reason why he does not want me to read the questions, since it is a questionnaire I would also get if I went to the same institution to get tested for autism. I kept asking to get a reason, feeling the urge to having to read the questions, and feeling like I could only suppressed the urge if I got an answer for why he does not like me reading it. I also felt strongly irritated that his mood changed so quickly (sharp and raised voice) because I asked for a reason. I could not stop trying to get an answer so I kept asking (he was just telling me that I am not allowed to read it - but that is not a reason I thought) suddenly he snapped and told me "Because I said no!" He is my brother and we usually have a good relationship where we also share some things that no one else knows about us. After that I left the situation barely being able to breath, crying in my room, shaking, hand flapping and trying so hard to not follow the urge to hit myself. Later (about 30 minutes) he just came by (I still hadn't calmed down at that point) and made a (-probably meant to be funny) comment about the place he is getting tested (His first meeting was that day with the psychologist that will asess whether he is on the spectrum - that's also why he got another paper to fill out). I tried to appear calm, but could still not breath normally, hiding my face from him so he would just go away. When he was gone I laid on my bed in the dark (it was midday), closed my door (I normally never do this) and just laid there until I felt better but my full energy has not come back yet and I still feel some exhaustion. At this point I don't really know what I want to achieve with my comment, just felt like sharing, because I am still in a very confused state. Maybe you can relate, maybe you have an idea what else to do to not get so irritated, or how and if I should communicate it to my brother. (Also please bare in mind, English is not my first language, so if something isn't as precisely expressed or grammatically correct as it could be that might be the reason)

[@DiamondEyez456]

I do love that part of me that goes down that rabbit hole of wanting to know more & more..I think my curious mind is what has kept me going all these years. Curiosity is a beautiful aspect to have. I think at least..many just don’t care to search beyond just the surface. The only ‘down side’ is that I can get lost for hours.😆but that’s ok.. and it’s not the most horrible thing in the world b/c it invites more knowledge for me and to also share.. if I do. It also allows me to be open to many different people.. not just one streamline type of people.. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Another great aspect to being a curious person, is when certain people think you are dumb.. when you pipe up.. it kinda shuts them up after their cruel assumptions of you & puts them in their place. 😉

[@RecreatingBecca]

my abusive ex used to berate me for asking questions. i ask questions because i want people to know im interested in them and what they have to say. as a result i was more concious about asking others questions.

[@BenjamenMcCauley]

Knowing why is like having the lines painted on the road. Imagine if you were expected to drive on the highway but you couldn’t see the lines. Everyone else can see them but you can’t. You’re probably going to cause some problems.

[@heavenishere416]

For me, I ask questions bc I want to thoroughly understand. If I don't understand, my brain works very differently, and I'm gonna take it somewhere I'm not supposed to. My examples of this are mostly from the jobs I've worked at. Like someone has to explain exactly how they want something done. I'll do it perfectly no doubt but I'm going to ask every question along the way. And omg knowing the why, everything comes together, YES. This is the most validated I have ever felt. I cannot thank you enough for this video. I was on the fence about all this information and how I was relating to it but this is me. I can't believe I went 34 yrs of my life just not knowing. This is insane and overwhelming but such a relief omg. Edit: I just realized why this feels so good, bc now I know the why about me.

[@hieithefox]

I am autistic myself and yah people have often thought me asking questions was me judging them or trying to indicate they are doing something wrong when really it’s just me wanting to understand them and learn a different point of view. I have gotten better at letting people know that when I ask it is genuine curiosity. Also totally relate to both sides of the dryer or coin thing and it’s why communication is key and even then mistakes will be made and that’s ok you just need to be understanding

[@michaelpilgrim8131]

Thanks. Much of this was relatable, and it feels good realte - to not feel alone. The laundry drying thing was interesting - not taking things literally lead to the incorrect assumption, but I usually "get in trouble" for taking things too literally. My experience is that allistic people also ask a lot of questions, but most questions boil down to, "Why are you acting in a way that is not normal / common?" They generally seem to be confused if I do things for an explainable reason rather then doing things by the rote, popular assumed, often-unspoken, often-unreasoned rules.

[@BeautyAnarchist]

People feel under the heat like I'm conducting an interview but I'm genuinely curious about the world and people so I want to learn more about it and them.

[@crystallover4833]

Over the past maybe 3 years I noticed that I stopped really asking many questions since my bsf pointed out that a teacher back in high school was getting angry after I asked multiple questions on how to do something and where and what? After that I ended up stopping myself from asking questions which in result ended up with me dealing with much more anxiety since I am confused about what to do and if I am doing the thing in the right way also would sometimes result in freezing. Not Fun. Unrelated but I remember my first job in retail being so confused on why I would get yelled at for doing something the way I was told; I would follow instructions very well and how I was told but would be confused when I was yelled at for doing that. For example, during the pandemic when dressing rooms were starting to open I was on dressing room duty and another thing is that you aren't supposed to let people with carts inside since there is the potential of stealing. There was a old lady with a back problem I am guessing, and she was going in with the cart and when I told her that she couldnt go in with the cart she ended up yelling at me and my coworker did as well. It made me almost scared about people in the dressing room after that when asking people to hang their clothes or tell people that they couldn't bring their carts inside. Oh also when my coworker would let situations slide like letting two people into one stall.

[@alexxander966]

A problem that me and my partner have, is i like to ask "why are you doing [insert activity] this way? I normally do it [insert my way]". I am almost always genuinely asking him his reasoning, because i am always looking to learn and make things easier for myself etc etc. Those questions always drive him absolutely crazy, because that is how his mother would degrade him sarcastically when he was doing something in a way she didnt like. Im genuinely asking out of curoisity though 😂

[@Albinojackrussel]

I will say, that interaction you describe around 13:00 with your partner, I'm pretty sure most allistics would have also not turned on the dryer. The only thing you did "wrong" was to not mention that you didn't turn it on since the clothes were dry straight away.

[@Albinojackrussel]

20:42 oh wow yeah. I feel that one.

[@AlanChesselow]

Thank you 🕊️🤙

[@robertabarnhart6240]

I had a step-dad who would literally threaten to evict me (at 10 years old!) when I made those kind of mistakes. Yeah.... good times.

[@afrofaeries]

I was called a teachers pet and other mean things for asking so many questions during high school. Like I’m sorry I want good grades and I want to graduate????