Real Friendships Demand Authenticity (and That's Hard for People with CPTSD)

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CPTSD can make you TOO good being nice, appropriate and likable, suppressing your real self on the assumption that it's no good. When you do this, people only meet a fake version of you, and that can hollow out the friendships that do form, and make them short-lived. I'll tell you why that happens, and how to start bringing your true self to friendships.
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[@bigneon_glitter]

Old saying: _Those who weren't spoonfed love as kids will learn to lick it off knives_ I grew up so accustomed to abuse that it wasn't until my 40s that I began to discern real friendship & support from people who were comfortable punching down at me. It's a learned discipline to remain genuine in yourself & not bend or diminish yourself in the hope of receiving genuine connection. I've been doing it so long, I don't even know what a "genuine" me is, really.

[@keepmoving1185]

Wow, great post

[@rainwilder3709]

💔🌹

[@ellesharie]

Wow, I felt that quote. That’s so painfully relatable.

[@teresa2502]

Same here. I wish you the best💚

[@g.jelli...]

@HPMcQueen... Wow! That's one powerful, eye-opening quote that so many of us with CPTSD will recognize in ourselves. I'm going to share it with many people! Thank you! 💜

[@colleen6050]

I have two lifelong friends. They know the trauma of my childhood, which included abuse, neglect, and ultimately foster care. I made it through that and managed to develop into a "nice, friendly" girl that everyone loved! I was even voted as the most "friendly girl" in high school. Well, I ended up married to an abusive narcissist that eventually discarded me. Then the shit hit the fan, and I became ultra triggered from my childhood abuse, my mother and father's deaths, and my brother's suicide. I became a bitter, angry friend that was numbing myself with too much alcohol. So, they couldn't handle it. They would say, just get over the divorce, you have changed and I hope you find help. My God, I realized they didn't truly understand. I was sick of their judgment, gossip, and unwanted advice. I was sick of them saying, 'you need to accept responsibility". Well, I have accepted responsibility for not being so nice and for some of the failures in my marriage and I have since quit drinking alcohol a year and a half ago. But, I'm not that friendly girl anymore, because that person isn't real. My authentic self is a genuine, loving, understanding, and compassionate woman who has been through a whole lot of shit. Sometimes, I'm not very nice, but I am not cruel or purposefully mean. I just have bad days sometimes, and that's just how I accept my life and try to do better when I can.

[@terrijaree7371]

What is nice anyway? The way to be nice, is to be real, and then wait for a response, and then be real some more, and so on. Learn as you go.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@Colleen congratulations on making those changes, it's not easy changing self-defeating behaviors :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lindarosebuchanan1650]

Same here. I hope all becomes well. I'm still struggling, but I won't give up.

[@loriolson8500]

I love how real and transparent you are. I'm so sorry for what you've suffered. I can understand it. Gratz to you for being an overcomer and strong. Inspiring!

[@whotelakecity2001]

Good job. 👏

[@r.p.8906]

There is no good or bad. Only authentic and fake. That's all we need to remember. Being authentic is being self-loving.

[@flamingrobin5957]

we are "Bad" until we receive forgivenss and grace. an alone self is a bad self. we cannot feel real until someone receives the real us and gives us grace flaws and all

[@Catbooks]

"Being authentic is being self-loving." Love that!

[@mariannebrouillette4301]

Word! So well said its either a genuine thought, feeling or action or its inauthentic and ppl can tell when it's fake or a lie!

[@lightitup33333]

I love this, so true! Sometimes it seems we are really judging and being angry, which is justified, totally! And it uses our valuable emotional energy we could put into caring for ourselves and those around us who can appropriately receive

[@victorialadybug1]

That IS good or bad, though. There is nothing good about "fake".

[@gardener5857]

Carla, I wish we were neighbors. There's someone out here that needs a friend like you. This is a challenging time for some of us right now. Good on you for showing up. I find myself just hiding.

[@cindybarton8562]

Spirit Hugs to you Carla!!~*

[@lindawaxman570]

Don't hide dear one, stay home sometimes but then get out, buy a cup of coffee, go to church, walk, shop often for groceries and vitamins, buy a book you really want. Talk to strangers or just say hello. Keep trying to be with people even if you're just people watching at the park. Talk to God All the time about everything. Stay healthy, but eat a little chocolate or icecream, sometimes. Laugh at jokes on your FB page, posts, ware some make up, dress pretty everyday. Believe you are loved because you are 🥰

[@lindafogarty3924]

@@lindawaxman570 great advice!

[@gardener5857]

@@lindawaxman570 Thank you. You're very kind. I only let myself hide for little bits lol. Fortunately I have a daughter & granddaughter I'm very close to. That makes everything alright.

[@r.p.8906]

@@lindawaxman570 sweetheart

[@theonegshow7077]

"Walk around dressed more beautifully than you're used to" This is great advice especially for women with CPTSD bc it helps with getting out of the house. Even if you have nothing cool to do or any friends to do it with, if you're showered and dressed to the 9s or even 6/7s it will make you feel like you do, and potential friends will be anchored to that vibe. Fun, beautiful people make the best friends, so be one and only invest in other fun, beautiful people. Pretty soon your life will be full of fun and beauty and people to share it with :)

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Nicely put :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@cindylou3708]

great idea and kind of an upgrade of what The Fly Lady says

[@tucsonwisewoman9523]

The thrift shop can give you affordable gorgeous clothes

[@jango1970]

In past years, I spent a lot of time, money, and energy on my appearance. And saying only nice, positive things to people. But that didn't attract "true" friends to me. I found out in summer 2020, when no one wanted to meet up with me (even stay 6 ft/2 m apart) that first Covid summer. They did not call to "check in". I realized these were shallow friends. I'm single, no kids, no partner, no family. I still go to "meet ups" for walks; and I am very cheerful & positive. Maye I don't understand friendships (boundaries; what is a friend; what are realistic expectations). I thought I knew a bunch of "fun, beautiful" people before 2020, but I realized no one truly cared about me.

[@pizzapiechef2733]

@jango1970 keep looking though... 8 billion people on earth..there is probably the right somebody out there who would want to be your true friend. The videos here help. You are on the right track...

[@user-sg8wf5qo9s]

Let's finally acknowledge that the world is filled with selfish and fake ppl. Authenticity and true love is rare, thus highly valued. So don't let those nuisances devalue you and keep looking for quiet and real ppl...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's right! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@imbrakingthrough2152]

The fake word is way overused enough already

[@Curious859]

“Why is it so hard to find real friends?”…I’ve been asking myself this same question all my life, and I realized that 1) How can I connect with anyone when I was raised like I was an outsider. When that important core connection between a child and her parents never existed. It’s like looking for the smell of a number. The emptiness, that deep hole that exists and cannot be filled, is the reason I’ve been looking for a place that feels like a home I never had, and I never found that home because … 2) Is it me, my expectations, or is it the other? I think it’s both. I want it all or nothing. There is no in between. But the majority are in between. Is it bad? Yes and no. Should I adjust to them or have them adjusted to me. Neither. Things do not have to mix. I can’t mix oil and water. It’s hard not having REAL, authentic, supportive, loving, caring friends and people around, but I either have to lower my bar and be satisfied with crap, or accept that what I’m looking for cannot be found. Either way, I try to enjoy moments, solitude, whatever crumb that feeds my soul. Carla, maybe your best friend can be a pet. If you don’t find what you’re looking for in humans, you can find the unconditional love in animals.

[@charlotte5671]

Like looking for the smell of a number... That line hit me. I am recovering from a traumatic brain injury that has cracked open the, what I thought was, a pretty well curated version of myself. All of the trauma came to the surface in very real uncomfortable ways. Its been incredibly hard but more and more revelations seem to come to light. I've been struggling with feeling alone, I have friends, but no one who is like family. No one to come to the hospital with me for appointments, or I could stay with when I was really sick and needed it. I had so many friends before I was in the accident, and for 3 years I kept thinking like what did I do wrong? I think it's a multitude of things with number one being crap fitting. Accepting & investing in friendships that were fun but not emotionally supportive. I'm incredibly grateful for the help that I have had friends that I have that have helped me. But I still feel alone. I felt alone when I was married too at times. I realize that it's a lot of losing who I am OR even just years of creating a personality around being liked that has lead to that. I used to sugar coat my past because I had no idea how to tell anyone. My ex husband knew some, and a childhood friend knew. I think it could be hard for a lot of us to feel safe letting people in when as children we were so conditioned to hide everything & not let anyone in. (At least for me.) I wish everybody watching & reading true comfort, inner love and hopefully external too 💗💗💗

[@mariechelle]

Yes!! My bff my adopted baby boy dog, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE at last!!!!! :-)

[@maryroot2599]

I identify so strongly with your letter Carla. I am glad you wrote in, the answer helped me a lot.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing with us! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ivykrane2171]

Yes, me too Mary.

[@cristinaevans139]

Thank you so much Carla I wish you were my friend ❤

[@RoseThePhoenix]

By being the friend who is always helpful, I thought I was just... being the friend I wanted to have. "Treating others as I wanted to be treated," so to speak. I don't understand how that's offputting to people, but I guess it is :( I still want to be helpful to people in my life. I still want to be nice, I guess. And I still just want that reciprocated.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Doing the healing work often puts around more like-minded people :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jennytaylor3324]

I don't know, as it's years since i went out and tried to make new friends, but i do think solitude isn't the preserve of the divorced or displaced older generations. You Tube's full of videos made by sweet, attractive youngsters in their 20s, saying that don't have a friend in the world. There are commonly people at university who somehow slip through the cracks and end up isolated, so I'd say it might be closer to the truth that it's a modern disease rather than something we're necessarily doing wrong. We are officially the loneliest society in the history of the human race because of the way we've evolved away from our tribes.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Appreciate those points! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@michiganmymichigan]

Or the tribes became few and dominate all others, making slim the the chance for those of tribes separate from those large and powerful. The many separate have only themselves as resources while strong small groups hoard all actual support and resources.

[@jennytaylor3324]

@@michiganmymichigan I don't know much about why we've evolved the way we have. My point was that if you look at the world's surviving indigenous tribes, say out in Africa, you see a very desirable balance of friends and family, all living in close proximity, and all with important roles within the community. No will be off its radar, go hungry, be abused or homeless. Its children will always have someone they know looking after and out for them regardless of the survival of parents. Like with a pack of wolves, even the least of them is counted, has a purpose and enjoys the protection of the group.

[@roosmarijndenijs1317]

@@jennytaylor3324 the nuclear family is such a poor substitute for the tribe

[@jennytaylor3324]

@@roosmarijndenijs1317 Yeah, as it depends almost entirely on itself for back-up. There might be grandparents, but most nuclear set-ups are quite excusive, i think.

[@kathleenhillier6765]

I'm "nice" I lacked a voice as a child and thought it was normal for people to come in and out of my life. All relationships are difficult for me and I am that person who over gives. It's easier to keep everyone at an arms length and am anti-confrontational. I am attracted to people who don't want the best for me so it creates a vicious cycle where I lack trust and keep things surface. I can relate with this letter.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@susanrobertson984]

I love how practical the advice on this channel is. Read challenging books so that you have something interesting to talk about. That's great advice. I've been working hard at owning who I am instead of trying to "pass" as a normie. Then it is what it is. If I can't accept it, why should anyone else? How could they if I don't ever let people know that I'm not quite average?

[@marylouleeman]

Try Edward de Bono, A Beautiful Mind.

[@terrylaguardia6838]

@Paul Gauthier In my experience it keeps away rather than attracts trauma bonding. Being too nice is what attracts narcs if I’m not mistaken.

[@iBRiDGE380]

This letter was so hard to listen to. May she love her divine self and believe in her.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for the kind words for her :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@rockstarofredondo]

I think modernity has a lot to do with these situations. We are so atomized now compared to how our ancestors even just 100 years ago or less, lived. People of all ages just gathered together way more frequently and behaved familial in that way. Modern “culture” doesn’t have that quality nearly as much.

[@mariannebrouillette4301]

Modernity=Capitalism=Colonization(of your individual brain after your environment-Earth) =Isolation=total global domination

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@rockstarofredondo totally agree, we are in a different culture and those of us with CPTSD seem to have an even harder time adapting -Cara@TeamFairy

[@michiganmymichigan]

@@mariannebrouillette4301 I pray We can change the direction of progressional waves to produce a more inclusive and healthy outcome.

[@charmedprince]

Yes, LOVING YOURSELF by BEAUTIFYING YOURSELF THE WAY YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LOOK LIKE is a huge step towards self-acceptance and being authentic!

[@charmedprince]

@@gracelewis6071 Trust me. I'm a guy who's so insecure about myself because of a combination of childhood trauma and abuse and bullying. But the moment I began to face the mirror and actually saw my worth, it was a game changer. I'm still on the process but the self-awareness is already there and it helps a ton. Peace and love to you and to all cPTSD sufferers. 💙

[@theonegshow7077]

100% strength side is a cool youtube channel who's helping me do this

[@kaziquefly]

Dear Carla, it’s scary how I can relate to your letter. I can feel for you. I’ve been ghosted by a friend I’ve known for years and it was suuuper painful. I could not really understand what “I did wrong”. I kept thinking and hurting and crying. I couldn’t stop blaming myself and analysing every little mistake I might have made to make this person go. Only to realise, very recently, that is not only about me. Perhaps it’s not about me that much at all. It could be about them, it could be about both of us just not connecting for many reasons or for no big reason, but I didn’t need to know. All I needed to know is that I do deserve to have honest and vulnerable friendships where both sides share their emotions, both have space to express feelings and have fun. And you know what? I realised that even though this person has been in my life for long, I’ve never really had such connection with them. When I look back, it was all about nervous shrinking to meet their needs, pretending my feelings don’t matter even when I felt odd or inferior, just because I thought this was ok as long as I made everything “perfect” for them to make them happy. And what about me? My needs were not met, because I never allowed myself to express them in a healthy way. I’ve learned that the hard way, but it’s sooo true what Anna is saying, it’s all very true and I’m super grateful I’m on my way to healing and I wish you’ll be able to heal as well ❤️‍🩹

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So appreciate you sharing your experience and love! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@pinkpaws3252]

I could have written your post - I had such a similar experience with the same feelings and underlying dynamics. These people never 'loved' us, they never knew us, whilst we never knew ourselves. They likely never knew themselves either, to be happy to take up such an offering. Better to open up the space they took with things that didn't serve us.

[@schwaiger1309]

Wow, I have been discussing about authenticity a lot lately with my bf and then this video gets posted. It‘s truly sad to acknowledge that the reason why I am not able to attain real and solid friendships is my trauma. Which was caused by my best friends and classmates back when I went to school. The worst part is, I am craving real friends so much.

[@rjlieber4913]

Sounds like me. I’m working on it too.

[@ani1451]

You’re not alone, I’m dealing with this too!

[@summaiyarobi4915]

Me too

[@ED-ie3et]

Same.

[@michiganmymichigan]

Me too. Trying to be my own best friend through the pain and struggles.

[@lindawaxman570]

I no longer seek close women friendship. I go to church groups and church, out to eat. No special friend to shop with, etc. I'm tired of hanging with women. My friends are all married or widowed. I'm Older but still pretty and healthy. I've been healing more and ready for marriage. A man in my life will be give and take. I feel like a woman and act and dress up every day, pretty and casual. I'm not working or volunteering just enjoying my retirement. I continually learn try to meet new people, keep my life fresh. I want to love and be loved, share my fun stuff with him and he brings his fun into my life. I have a glow and joy. Although some days are difficult. I keep on and look for opportunity and look for things to do and learn. I buy myself what I need and splurge on myself. I never did before. I watch my weight and eat healthy, but have treats often. I'm going to try and take myself out to dinner, like go alone. I want to date ,be friends with men first. Not easy to do at my age. I told my pastor it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. He said but God knows where the Needles are!!!

[@pamelaroyce5285]

I’m doing the same. It would be lovely to meet you and do lunch.

[@annicks7385]

I’m doing the same

[@rumdo5617]

This is my story too Carla. The feelings are so RAW. Thanks Fairy for providing a safe space for us. Love to one and all 💕

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for keeping the space safe and positive! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@michiganmymichigan]

Me too.

[@purplestarm8864]

I need genuine people around me, even if they are very few. Being an HSP and empath, I tend to be more attuned to identifying fakeness. And trusting people is so difficult

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I understand, here's to new relationships :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@momolovestar4207]

Its wise to work on a friendship with yourself that's what I'm doing

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Very wise :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@cindylou3708]

love this

[@give_peas_a_chance]

Me too.

[@lancifur5508]

This video came on a day where I started to question how true my relationships are. After all the hurt I feel all I want to do is leave everyone and start new somewhere else, heal, get help. And maybe then I’ll meet people who I feel equal to and balanced in love.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I did that many times in my life, in the end it was Daily Practice and a like-minded community that got me that balance :) bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ani1451]

Carlas story resonates with me so deeply. I am 20, moved to a new city, and don’t have any friends. Any connections I’ve made have died out and I’ve been so anxious about if I’m doing something wrong. It’s really nice to know we’re not alone when dealing with this. It hurts to be ghosted, so thank you for talking about this!

[@pointsbeingmade7996]

Though situation.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@Ani you are not alone! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@xoyouaremysunshinexo]

I had to realize my idea of friendship was unrealistic and I was acting the way I was, not only because of trauma, but because I had nothing going on in my own life! Media was my own example of good friends, so I assumed the "Disney Channel" friendship was the way friendship was supposed to be and what it's like for other people. It's not. I was looking for other people to fill a void. Now I've swung in the other direction and I enjoy my solitude so much I'm not sure I really desire friendship anymore. Edit: I wrote this comment before finishing the video. I think I'm going to start doing that, Anna! Reading challenging books so I have something to talk about.

[@mzmolly4898]

Me being me is me wearing oversized, comfortable, flannel shirts and jeans (usually with paint all over them). My whole life other people have had trouble accepting that and think I need to wear frilly things or skirts and heels in order to look like 'a woman'. The comment that she should go out and buy something really nice and wear it to feel good made me cringe. My happy place is the 2nd hand store men's department and I am no less a woman for that. Wear whatever makes you happy and everyone else can get stuffed!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You should absolutely wear whatever makes you happy! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@roosmarijndenijs1317]

I think what Anna was suggesting was for the strong/beautiful/authentic you to dress in an outfit that reflects exactly that. as part of the' Know who you are, know what you feel, what you want and be free to express that' (as opposed to not down-dress which would be a way of crapfitting if it comes from a place of not feeling worthy to wear what you think is beautiful) the outfit that is chosen would be different for different people as we have different taste

[@ccziv]

You are right - one should always present oneself in a way that feels authentic and comfortable. Nevertheless, many of us feel that we “must be” as repulsive on the outside as we *have been [falsely] led to believe* we “are” on the inside. The important thing is to wear the clothes we love (and buy) that tend to sit in our closets (with tags) because we don’t feel worthy. Perhaps we should think of what we wear as part of our creative process: to become the people we dream of being, rather than remaining in the nightmare of being other than who we really are.

[@JENNerationX]

Yeah - the real me has come out in setting boundaries and those who have been taking advantage of my kindness, mistaking it for weakness. I just have no F’s for people who can’t accept the real me now. Those who have chosen to stay, and my new friends are much stronger. I love my best life being ok and caring for me and it attracts fun people.

[@mariannebrouillette4301]

The most important relationship we experience is our inner relationship with ourselves. Being honest with ourselves about how we feel, what we've seen and experienced, what we've done or not done, etc....is so important for healing and overall health

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Well said :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Latoree33]

I can relate to this. About 5 or 6 yrs ago I joined a group of young woman 22-30yrs of age. They were raped and maybe one or two were molested. I just couldn't connect with them. I was hoping for friendship but I had to leave. It just didn't work. I don't have any friends from school. They call me their friends on Facebook but never invite me to their get togethers. I feel so much of what she went through. I'll be 68 in November and with the complexity of the world it may be hard but still think life can be good.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes! Life can be good :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@publicserviceannouncement4777]

You're totally right about people being able to sense insincerity. It's so much better to tell people how we feel and what we need, even if it's scary and could mean rejection.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@BenAvodot]

Really well done. Seriously, you completely made Carla’s struggle, everyone’s struggle. Normalized it. Allowed us to claim it also as our own. Encouraged owning oneself, being realistic especially about generational issues, identifying that the relationship yearned for is a spouse and not necessarily a friend, but maybe a companion which there are many out there with that same interest, especially in their early 60’s. All around great advice! Thanks for that. Carla, you are not alone. I felt healing in this video, I hope you did too. Take another step. Don’t give up.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sending love Carla's way :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@JM-rn7rf]

Agree 💯 with you

[@kateruterbories2692]

Thank you so much for doing this. Those of us who are dealing with crappy childhoods have so many "I don't fit" problems. It helps to hear we are actually a group unto ourselves, it helps to know we can get through it.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@ Kate_Ruterbories this is exactly why we have such an awesome group in our CCF membership :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kateruterbories2692]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'm grateful to have found you all.

[@anzelaiv]

I like how Anna talks about friendship. If it requires consistency and frequent effort to survive, it's not a friendship that can be sustained long-term. Friends come together and pull apart in cycles. A friendship that can't survive a temporary separation is not worth holding onto.

[@BerylWalubengoAnyitiNanyama]

The way you talk to us. So kind so gentle. 😍❤️

[@catherinehoward3567]

I didn't realise there was a difference between someone who would walk with you and someone who could go to appointments with you. I really don't understand these friends friendship boundaries.

[@sunflowers2469]

I feel like it’s about a sense of obligation & dread - that shouldn’t be present in a friendship imo. I can’t think of anyone I would ask to go to an appointment with me besides a family member, & even then that’s something you do on your own. & I know it wouldn’t be fun for them. Put yourself in their shoes. invite people to things that sound more “inviting”.

[@pingu3984]

This is something that currently speaks to me. After being in psychotherapy for about 2 years I'm starting to really heal and I'm getting to the point where I'm realising and becoming ready to accept that most of my relationships (platonic and otherwise) have been largely inauthentic and one sided. Most of my friends only seem interested in me when I can benefit them and if I need or want something they're busy. Up untill recently I've accepted that because one of my core beliefs was that I didn't matter. I'm currently on a quest to make new, healthy, mutually respectful relationships. Thank you for sharing this video.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

A worthwhile quest :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@MsHellcat08]

You matter!

[@NaeRay568]

I am 54 and in the same boat. My best friends are my dogs. So , i am invested in them. So, i am working on getting out more, trying to stay out of the depression Abyss. I am reading this a year later...winter 2022. It made me cry, glad i got to get the advice.

[@jsmith7240]

I can relate to Carla and those feelings absolutely suck! These letters are so helpful to hearing how cptsd manifests in us all and hearing you talk about it in response really inspiring and wise. I felt your answer was spot on and it resonated with me alot. There is something in me that thinks if I'm nice and well behaved I'm doing the right thing but like you say, people don't get to know you when you do that and it looks like you're hiding something and it is confusing to people. Or I open up too much, getting that balance right is hard and people are like - whoaa, what happened! 😁 Thanks Anna for your guidance, we may all be abit intense 🤪 but we have really good qualities too and the days I just can't be bothered trying so hard to be nice sometimes pay off the best because I'm authentic. ❤️❤️ Go Carla!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Go j_smith! Thanks so much for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@cindybarton8562]

Carla you sound like a beautiful caring spirit, & the right person and or people will be blessed to have as a friend. Not all people feel on a deeper level, many are superficial and have no desire to have a connection that is anything other than very surface level one... Your life definately matters!!~*

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for giving Carla some encouragement! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@traceyarnaud8433]

Carla, I can't tell you how much I want to give you a huge hug. I have just turned 64 and I've retired and relocated 600 miles from where I lived for 50 years. I crave friendship and love with a mate, but Iike you, since I never feel like I'm enough, or really lovable, it's been so hard. I been in my new home for 4 years and thought I was making friends, but just as you've described in your letter, I was ghosted too. I also was sitting here in absolute pain because of an argument with my daughter on the phone and the realization that I'll be all alone with my pets yet again this entire holiday season. I'm so sick and sad of chasing so-called loved ones to spend time with me. Most often I've had to go to them if I want any connection with either of my kids, my siblings and extended family. I was actually so sad today (the day after a very lonely thanksgiving) that I was crying and opened the computer to the lovely Anna and your letter. Although it made me cry even more, I felt some connection and hope too. I'll write down my fears and resentments, I'll meditate, and I'll take a long walk in the woods. I think if I hadn't listened to this today, I may have spent my day crying in my bed. Much love and luck to you, and yet again, gratitude for you Anna.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing, consider joining us in membership. We have daily get zoom get togethers for Daily Practice, lots of camaraderie courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@rebecca9519]

Tracey, have you ever tried Meetup hiking groups? Friendly people.

[@keepmoving1185]

Carla, I’ve been there. I constantly think I am too much. What has helped is considering that I am not “me” enough. You are worthy of life, love, and connection. This gets better!!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Appreciate you encouraging Carla! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@tomtbi]

I have discovered the hard way over the years that I have had "friends of convenience" and "conditional friends"....

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I know what you mean -Cara@TeamFairy

[@keng528]

Felt like a gut punch to hear her story...seems like people like us are the source we deserve and need to accelerate healing so one year from now...you will so glad you put in the work.I am 63 too...same same same...but I'm over it and ready to make up for lost time...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

And you will! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@taralilarose1]

Good for you Ken. Never give up!!!

[@ladybaabaa3294]

In another video this week by our beautiful Fairy, I commented that I avoid a lot of social interaction with friends, even long term genuinely nice friends, and it exhausts me emotionally. I already knew the exhaustion was caused by my default facade of being 24/7 happy, easygoing, hyper and funny, but I now see that the exhaustion also comes from the very fact that I'm NEVER authentic. As a teenager and in my early 20s, I didn't know who I even was, as I was such a chameleon. I still am at 42, but now I avoid social interaction a lot more and my tolerance for dealing with that emotional exhaustion is much lower now I recognise what it is. For me, I've had a grand total of 7 people in my entire LIFE who I have (for whatever reason) felt able to be my true authentic self with. All those people have either ended up being my intimate partners or my best friends. I share openly with them, I show them ME and they show me themselves too at a really deep level. I WANT to spend lots of time with them and I NEVER feel that fatigue or emotional exhaustion when with them. It is SUCH a relief. I don't choose these people. They come into my life and...after a brief time, I just feel safe with them. For dear Carla...anyone who doesn't want you for ALL of you, ALL of who you are, no matter what that is...they are simply not right for you, and that's ok. The RIGHT people will be SO obvious once they come into your life (and they will) because that constant unconscious doubt, fear, anxiety and moderating yourself will be gone. The difference will be huge. Please take care of your beautiful self. 💝

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Appreciate you sending Carla the love! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@itm4173]

What an awesome response to this wonderful question. I so appreciate where this person is coming from and who she is. I adored your compassionate, thoughtful reply. So many tangible, actionable suggestions. To the person asking the question, I don't know you but would like to know you. We're similar in age and challenges. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!

[@jango1970]

Thanks for the video and letter. I can identify with Carla. I'm over 50, single, no kids, parents have died, siblings and cousins don't want to see me. Learning about "boundaries" with friends and not to expect "unconditional love" (which I should have had from mother) from anyone. It is diffiuclt. I feel I'm always the one reaching out and making arrangements with friends. I was in lots of groups but found out during first Covid summer (July 2020) that no one wanted to see me (even 6 ft or 2 m away) Found out the "friends" in these groups (team sports, Weight Watchers, book club) didn't want to be with me 1-on-1. It is heartbreaking to be truly ALONE. At times, the loneliness is hard to endure. Don't even think "friends" love me. Only my brother loves me (he sees me only 1x or 2x a year cuz he's "busy"). Hard to be friends with women my age cuz their lives are so different (married with children or grandchildren; they complain about their husbands or their in-laws, etc). Learning to take care of myself but very difficult some days due to soul-destroying loneliness (feeling unloved; truly alone). I am trying meditation, yoga, exercises, healthy eating, low to no alcohol, no tobacco or drugs; tons of therapy. It isn't easy. Still alone. I don't know how to endure the loneliness and sadness that I felt as a child (neglected by narcissistic mother). I'm guessing the loneliness and sadness I feel now is connected to those same emotions in childhood. Don't know what to do about that. The therapy books say I must cry aloud about it but I can not cry. I was conditioned to not cry or get angry or feel any emotion. I am stuck. Thank you.

[@dselectroshock1010]

Hey Carla same boat I am in at 61. I had to realize absolutely everyone I surrounded myself with gave only crumbs when I gave my best. I had no real friends except if they wanted to unload emotionally or needed help in some way. I decided time to be my own best friend for the time being while I learn from Ms. Fairy and put on strong boundaries around my time, resources, and energy. Moving forward now I have learned more I am highly selective who I allow in my life that are close to me. An old dog like myself with help can make better choices and decisions. When people tell you or show you who they are the first time, believe them. I have learned to put people in the appropriate relationship categories. I wish you well.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for your comments for Carla! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@give_peas_a_chance]

Wise words, and although meant for Carla, really resonate with me , I'm 60 and just starting to realise that my friends just take advantage of me when they need something.. Thank you.

[@roxylqm111]

“And yessss, young people with all of their beautiful skin and everything…” 🤣 I can SO relate to this! (I’m 51, totally different phase than my 30-something friends and colleagues…) Love you, Anna. Thanks for always being REAL. ✨

[@flamingrobin5957]

hmmm wow i can so relate to this whole discussion. 52 yr old divorced man with no friends and family. everyone ghosts me when i get close to them

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Come meet us at Crappy Childhood Fairy land bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lovearttherapyalways]

I have watched several of your videos and I love how compassionate, honest and insightful you are. I wish I had learned all of these things years earlier but I have been doing much of what you are saying here in the past few years and I have chosen to be alone rather than accept crumbs and crap. I have recently attracted a real friend and maybe I will attract a real partner one day... I know I will never settle again for less. Being true to ourselves is so important. Thanks for all you share in your wonderful videos! God bless!

[@goodgrief888]

I had the exact same thing happen to me as Carla. In my late 40s I got along great with my 20-something year old coworkers at the art museum we all worked at. Same thing with Carla, I would plan events and invite them. I realized they saw me as an “adult,” not part of their friend group, when I’d find out about all of these hangouts they had and didn’t even think to invite the “old lady” (me) from work. Around that same time I also had another woman my own age get very upset that I hadn’t invited her personally to an after work event. She had been invited, the email went to everyone, but she thought that these other people who showed up had all been texted or called personally. That’s when I realized that I 1) was barking up the wrong tree with the younger set and 2) was seeing a mirror reflection of myself in the woman my age who thought she needed a more personal invitation, because in some of these circumstances I HAD been invited, but in a group email that went out to a lot of people that didn’t seem very personal. Both of these things happening made me realize that I actually enjoyed the older (my age) folks at my work anyway, and was desperate to feel younger and in denial about my age.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@marylouleeman]

I am abrupt. Cut people off. It is not serving me well to say the least. But I am so much better now. So I have hope. Thank you, CCF.

[@marylouleeman]

@@kwilson1577Wow! a totally new word for me. And thanks too for your note. Lots to differentiate while we adopt new and better habits. Not so much isolation. Social is good for us once we get it dialed in.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@mlu ccc thank you for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@fireflythinking1290]

I found this channel this week and it is already so healing 💚 When I was younger my friends had healthy families (at least healthier than mine) so I felt lonely on that side. It feels good to see you reply to women with similar backgrounds. It might be weird, but I'm really proud of older women (I'm 23) who improve their lives and focus on themselves after struggling for so many years, because I think the older we get, the harder it can be to change. It gives me hope, seeing people improving.

[@vanessakoepke4116]

I needed this so much I watched it twice. This was very validating for me. I don't have a close family and when I express wanting a partner that I connect with to my friends, I am often met with 'oh you don't need a man' 'focus on you'. Yet I notice that I try to push my friends to play those family and romantic partner roles for me and this only pushes them away. It's nice to hear that it's ok to want this for myself. Thanks again Crappy Childhood Fairy!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad that it was helpful for you :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@anaphylaxis2548]

I understand the sentiments of the person just wanting some friends. I find myself in the same situation.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for the relatedness -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dime7612]

Yes Carla or Karla. Younger people are in a different head space. Get friends closer to your age. You be you and go girl!

[@mingleflock9707]

This was so relatable. I 100% understand Carla. Not everything,\ as in your letter. But the giving, and kindness. Then the taking, on their part ugh. aaahhhhhhh

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Appreciate your support for Carla :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@loriallen67]

I am 53. I have no real friends. I quit work due to health and realized that without work, I had no connection. And the other mothers I walked with for years when our kids were in school now have no contact. I am home. Alone. And I’m scared to reach out. So I isolate.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Try connecting with us at CCF :) bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy

[@uyoebyik]

I'm 51 and in the same situation. I'm limited when it comes to activities too because of chronic pain and lack of money

[@michellegriff13]

When the information you've been looking for FINDS YOU 🧘🧘🧘🧘🧘🧘 a sigh of relief. Thanks to Carla for reaching out, I was welling up with tears because it's so relatable, and thanks to CCF for sprinkling is with her truly magical fairy dust.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

And thank YOU for joining the conversation! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dmerojas]

Carla, thank you for writing this letter. I’m also walking in your shoes. I’m working hard not to overextend myself, although it still happens at times. I have a difficulty trusting others enough to be authentic and say how I feel in friendships. Thank you again for this letter and bringing up this important topic. All the best to you! ❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for the Carla support :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jamielawrence4749]

This is such a good distinction between wanting friends and wanting a spouse. I find often that line was blurred because I was lucky to have some very close and supportive friendships in highschool and consistently, more than I was able to have romantic relationships that way. Some were probably based in trauma, for sure. So maybe they weren't super healthy and now I am learning a lot about that and they are changing. But it's odd when you grow up with the idea that your friends ARE that supportive, hair-holding, birthday gift-giving, do-holiday-stuff things with for many years but then they start to get married and then someone else is getting that attention and it's kind of crushing. I think it's definitely part of aging, too. Like, maybe in your teens and 20's it's a lot easier to have those "spouse/friend" lines blurred, but then in your 40s or whatever you aren't necessarily going to have your friends available for all those things. It's been a sad change but I think it's an important thing to face. Especially these days as lots of men seem to want the "hang out, casual" vibe (at least the ones I have liked! ha!) and so the idea of admitting you want a spouse feels like a death sentence when you're "supposed to" be chill, and easy, etc. Thank you!

[@turbokick7078]

Thinking you are “supposed to” be easy and chill is another CPTSD symptom. Anna has a video on that topic. You don’t need to pretend. If you want a spouse, just be real and honest that you want a spouse.

[@peter_marcelli]

Wouldn't it be cool to have a gathering of all who watch this channel so we can give and receive the love we are looking for. I wonder how many relationships would manifest as a result. ❤😊

[@Mme_Chantal]

Carla thank you for being so honest. I don’t feel like I’m alone. You deserve loving friends. Thanks for the great feedback and support for all of us.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for joining the conversation! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@tawnytuppence5573]

I feel this. Example: I make sure the important people in my life are wished a personal, warm happy birthday from me. Just had my birthday, and my “friends” didn’t remember. I’m like, why do I do this if no one else cares back? It’s one sided, like many interactions in my life. Why??

[@bygraceonly182]

I love my friends deeply but am absolutely terrible with dates and times and by extension... birthdays. Trauma foggy brain this week made me almost forget my own HuSbAnD’s birthday!!!!! I just have my head in the clouds. Hope this helps.

[@tawnytuppence5573]

@@bygraceonly182 it does, thank you. I guess we all have different abilities and priorities. I just want to be remembered in some way.

[@bygraceonly182]

Tawny Tuppence 💕 look for the ways they maybe spend more time or go out of their way for other things. Maybe they spend more time listening or buy you something special out of the blue? Just hoping they aren’t actually bad friends for you. Hugs.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@Tawny Tuppence it's really wonderful you make those efforts! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@shweefranglais7900]

This video made me think of the following phrases to repeat to myself. "It's ok to be wounded", and "Just be wherever you are despite your chronological age. "It's ok".

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Nice! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@admperry1]

I'm 63 and I could relate to a lot of what "Carla" was sharing. NO close friends except my sweetheart who is 1/2 my age, lives in a different country. Anna, I need your help!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Check out our membership :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lissie3669]

I have a friend like this. It’s not equal if one person is giving you their real self and being vulnerable and you are not. Being yourself is the only way to form a real connection. I actually think you owe it to people you want to call your friends.

[@JacquelineHaag]

Anna, I love how you teach me with love and compassion and an insider's knowledge! Thank you, Carla, for your honesty as you heal. May God bless you both!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for the kind words! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@snowstormonsat]

I'm 49 and struggling with the same. This was very helpful for me to hear. Thanks for sharing Carla.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@amandasturgeon90]

I rarely comment on videos but here goes. Very helpful video as of this week I cut off several people who I have held onto for years. I was closer to them than they were to me, I wish I would have known that years before or maybe I was just in denial? I chose not to ghost them but gently tell them why I thought that the friendship wasn't working and wished them the best. Learning that not all friendships are meant for a lifetime and if you hold onto them past the reason or season they were meant to be in your life, you will end up confused and frustrated. I would rather be alone than to keep being inauthentic and begging for another's friendship.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Appreciate you making the comments, great insight! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@mellie5899]

Carla, I'm 60 and I relate to what you are going through and feeling so much. You are not too stupid to live. The young people you tried to spend time with are too stupid to see your worth. Of course, it's our own job to see our own worth, but there are some things that come with age and being able to appreciate people who are older is one of them. They just aren't there yet. Don't let their immaturity make you feel bad about you.

[@taralilarose1]

Lol. I'm 63 and I want to be married!!! I want love and lots more friends.

[@susanrobertson984]

53 and right there with you.

[@terijoyn6447]

Your timing with this is so divine. Thank you so much. I’m in the process of healing from letting go of my fake friends who were jealous and using me. Took me some time to be okay again with being alone

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

good for you :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@innerworthprojecthealingso2538]

I was very much this throughout my teens and 20s. Having stronger boundaries I'm now distancing myself from fake friends. I've found people reveal themselves when you start to do things for you and start to move forward in life. Fake friends and family will come in and try to bring you down. Create that distance instantly. Stay strong folks. :)

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for the encouragement! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@innerworthprojecthealingso2538]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Your videos are fantastic! Very insightful.

[@khonieal]

You are really wonderful. I especially appreciate that you are a mature woman who understands the specific challenges of mature, older people who are struggling with CPTSD and PTSD. I think holder women are invisible in many situations.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Agreed! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@GigglyGirlPearl]

You nailed it on Dressing Pretty with assessories and perfumes and having your hair, face, and nails done. Everybody you make contact will almost always smile at you, no matter what age you are. It's like you are automatically treated with respect. And if the situation or setting is inducisive to making a polite comment, or observation or a asking a question that will often turn into being a conversation. That conversation is the seed you plant to developing friends. Once I asked a cashier if she knew how to make baklava, she said she didn't but, another lady standing nearby who overheard me said that she knew how. She was about my age. Our cooking together friendship started from there. And yes, be yourself but also allow others be themself too without judging them or their friends whom they introduce you to, because everyone is different. I really really like this video!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad you liked it! Thanks for your comments -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dorisw2507]

I hear ya Carla! You are not alone. When you are feeling lonely, just remember all of us here feeling all these crappy feelings with ya. Virtual hugs!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hugs to you too! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@daniela_k]

Thank you, Susan, for your wisdom and inspiration for us with CPTSD to get better and gain more understanding of that. This letter you read touched me deeply because I recognized myself in this woman's story not so long ago. When I learned to express myself and not hide as she does behind a kind and accommodating facade many of my so-called friends disappeared. They even became enemies. There is nothing wrong with being yourself. You do not need anyone to join you for lunch or the cinema. Go to the places you like for yourself. You do not have to have girl talk and go to the toilet together when you are out. :-D (Yes, it's girl thing that guys do not practice!) You do not have to belong to a trib that sucks all your energy and creativity you need to make the world better. Age does not matter in this context. Maybe you are a different kind of person who is on a different level of our existence. It does not mean better than others but different. The people who ignore you were still nothing to have and must thank God for it. When I got sick, once, and ended up in the hospital, I called my closest friend. He did not answer. Then I called a neighbor who came and picked me up. There are always people who can stand up in crisis situations. I want to say that you are never alone. Loneliness is only in our heads. My transformation happened overnight. I suddenly realized a value within me that I could no longer overlook.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's beautiful, thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@amberwinders6892]

Thank you so much these videos are helping me navigate my own journey after having to cut off my family of origin. You helped me see that even though I feel like there must be something wrong with me, there isn't. It is all lies . I'm looking for a new family in people who are only meant to be friends . Both are good and healthy but one takes longer. I am blessed beyond belief with my husband but like me he doesn't have a family of origin to depend on either. So we are both like orphans looking for family for our kids. I want that for them so much and for me. I wish it wasn't so hard.

[@maryalicesmith2626]

How are you? Thank you for writing to the fairy. I’m 62. I’m just like you. I’ve listened to so many of the Crappy Fairy episodes, and found one that resonates 100 per cent. That’s because YOU took the time and made the effort to write in. I wish we could know each other. But as it is, I’m just thankful I got good advice today when I really need it. I always need it and her advice is always good. But today, it was tailor made just for me. Thank you, Carla.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks so much for writing Carla and sending her that gratitude! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Ninitschga]

I know that feeling so well… I‘ve always gone out of my way to organize events for my friends, helped them with moves, etc, lend them all my baby clothes & gadgets, listendes to their voice mails about their relationship and family problems for hours only to find that they don’t care. If I didn’t keep the end of the line up - they were happy to drop it. And eventually I let them.

[@donnafarmer3904]

Carla... if we were neighbors, we would be friends. It was hard to listen to your letter. But, you are worthy, you are more than enough and you are very lovable. I am 62 yrs old. Three years ago I was sitting in church in my new home town. I prayed Lord please send me a friend. Just one friend... one really good friend. And sitting at the end of the table was my dear friend, now my best friend. She's a few years older than I am. We do have common friends in the generation younger than us, but there is a real strength and power and, camaraderie with women of our own age. We "get" each other. I pray you will meet that new "best" friend and your new husband. You are delightful! Blessings to you, Carla.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for the encouraging message! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Ozzychk]

Today I styled my hair nicer and wore a pretty blouse. I felt so conflicted when I was "noticed". I felt an urge to wear all black or muted colors tomorrow to "not be seen." :D Thank you for all of your videos

[@randybailey2282]

Your video regarding demanding authenticity was a healthy reminder that the chronic damage created does not need my forgiveness. Years of 12 step recovery have left me with some damaging sayings, like "don't shoot our wounded" or "stick around for the miracle". My creativity self-came back to me when I totally 'let go absolutely'. I thank you for your service. I am a therapist and never ever discussed narcissism or dysregulation. I was addicted to the pain created and the head-scratching. Her behavior hurt many while she collected empathy or sympathy idiots. **Her alcoholism was a key feature** I should have known better but I had that "detach with love" saying in my head from Alanon. Again, thank you.

[@lizreed1285]

Thank you Carla and Anna for sharing this. I have to agree with pretty much all Carla said and at 63, I have been 'abandoned' this year by a best friend I'd had since I was 16 (and who had in fact promised never to do that, being aware of my C-PTSD.) The shock gave me vertigo for a month. I'm sorry to hear of others' experiences but also heartened, as usual, to understand I am not alone. It has been a great comfort to me to find this community, three years ago.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing!! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@color2066]

Love the ideas at the end. LOVE! So very helpful. I’m writing these down in my journal and will share with those who may need it. Thank you always.

[@sharonr5605]

Thank you Carla for being vulnerable in your letter. I am 64 and struggle with similar issues as well. If it doesn't cross a boundary, if you'd like a "pen pal", I would be open to that. Much love and blessings.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Oh, I love this channel :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@TeamCat1128]

How wonderful!💕

[@ramblingRJ]

I get this. I tend to say "Whatever you want to do is fine", and let others set the agenda. I always ended up paying for everyone. I also think the "Fell too much in love" part describes me. When my wife left me, she said she was tired of being put on a pedestal.

[@rjlieber4913]

Stop paying for everyone! When time for the check, practice saying “separate”. Go ahead & be the 1st to say that. I remember my dad paying for his friends, then no one taking their turn. Besides not paying for everyone, wish I would have also said to deep breathe to stay relaxed in social situations. Rob, stay calm, stay composed, and don’t pay.

[@stefaniamirri1112]

Oh gosh.. What did she mean? Did she feel too much pressure from you? To have been idealised by you and not being able to cope with this??.. But have you really done that? Have you over reacted if she did something different from your expectations? I don't know.. I mean.. An HONESTLY kind person sees ppl around in a good light. I learnt to give 3 chances to ppl and than it's over.. I guess this shielded me from disillusion, cause when i feel that guts feeling I start counting those 3 chances. So, I am not unaware of others behaviours, good and not good.. So i dont think to put them on a pedestal and idealise them... Nor i never over reacted if they did things in a certain way cause I always left them the freedom to express by actions who tgey were.. But ckearly i was noticibg the missmatch between words(so kind, loving , encouraging , empathetic) and their actions..not always so good. But still they ghost even after I enquired many times meanwhile I was feeling my guts and giving them their 3 chances..but they never replied, always deminuished or minimised my questioning or told me i was thinking too much.. (really? And look all at the end and tell if i wasnt right so!) I think ppl are basically ungrown children, too much afraid to speak clearly out when something is not going well, so we never know and are not called in the decision making process to solve that problem with them as adults would.. Ppl keep their silence and than they leave all together.. This is childish, not adult! There is a difference now, between us and those.. We are aware now and adultly trying to work through our shadows .. They dont want really..make tge effort, nor ANY effort.. Probably, let's give them the chance if the doubt saying that they are not equipped to face the hard work needed to care of their own ungoing. So as defensive mechanism they project this all on the other part of the relationships saying things that if never spoken out b4, to be told at the very last interaction do not make really any sense at all. Speak when you are with the person, not keep your silence, Speak as an adult willibg to solve as in 2 an agreement can be found!! Yes life requires this.. And in these modern times (Covid is not the cause ofcthis but for sure worsened it) ppl lost their patience to live as adults, even if in their past they have been adults.. So.. Yes, it is not us.. It's them, or, if you want.. It is the gap that self awareness creates between who is awaken and who is not. Sending hugs, I do understand your confusion! Stay strong, life is made always of new times with new chances, lets livevthem all, lets create them even!!! Big hugs to you!

[@ramblingRJ]

@@stefaniamirri1112 Thank you

[@ramblingRJ]

@@rjlieber4913 Thank you

[@myzenlifeinnature]

Don't pay for anyone, or at least anyone who never pays for you again. Do make decisions on what plans to make for a day out. It does get tiring for others to have to make the decisions all the time and it is great and refreshing to have someone else make plans. If others don't want to go, then you can go and have a really great day doing what you enjoy. I have different interests than my partner so this year went off for an awesome hiking, swimming trip and then later a beaut ski trip (my son arrived on this one so it was great). Enjoy your own interests in the limited free time there is and I wish you all the best.

[@shirinmouse744]

Thank you for sharing and being a part of this community carla i hope you’re in a good place

[@madamedennis6726]

I'm just so impressed by the amount of time you take with people!! So caring💕

[@SS-pw3pk]

I really connect and love your videos. I connect deeply and feel so seen and understood, honestly for the first time and after decades of therapy. You just get it and get me. When you call out the playing small and not needy part it hits me so hard I need to cry. I do that of course. I am now deciding to stop that- and be even more authentic and my self with others. I recognize myself in that letter your read. So much the way I think inside. The question I have asked a million time is why am I so lonely and empty when I try so hard to be such a good friend. I had given up on relationships and recognize that I am missing out on having that person who knows where I am at every moment and what my day was like. I just recently felt very abandoned by a friend that I used to spend time with weekly- reconnected with her ex and had less time for me. It was devastating for me and I felt unloved. I honestly just now saw it from her perspective and see that she does love and value me and it's right and good that her partner is now in the role I was taking up. I am now going to hope for that for me. I do have a question because I can't just sit and binge watch every video she has posted. I have very strong boundaries around all of my family of origin- very strong boundaries. I come from a huge family and most of them are still alive- including the original abusers- that still try to lure me back into the fold. Even though my boundaries have been in place for many years- there is still pressure to release the boundaries. Is there a video that addresses the guilt, pressure and doubt about this?

[@rita3604]

I’ve learned so much. I have learned that sometimes friends are for seasons of time. If I can feel them pulling away I grab up a project. I sew something, get out my planner and make it better, find a box of stuff and pull out what goes to Helping Hands. Buy a book I’ve been wanting to read. Clean something that is on my list. Yesterday I found my gloves and washed them since cold weather is coming. I am and have been most of my life surrounded by extremely selfish people. I hope this helps. ❤️

[@bwendy2]

This was a very well done video. You answered many questions that have been nagging at me for awhile. Your explanations are very relatable and considerate. Thank you.

[@akaihys]

yikes, so much of this is exactly what i needed to hear. it's hard to stop people-pleasing and it's hard to stop putting pressure on every relationship to meet all your needs because right now none of your needs (for friends, for relationships, for a family) are being met. but these absolutely stood out as things that are probably causing me problems.

[@gabriellewilder501]

Thank you Fairy! Your channel has really helped me start to recover from CPTSD. I’ve found that fun group activities and exercise classes are great for creating my happiness, because I’ve made really good friends there. I go to water aerobics and qigong classes, group nature walks and hikes every week. My boyfriend now joins me on some of the hikes, but I go twice a week with girlfriends. My boyfriend and I also hang out daily in our garden. Out of these groups, I’ve even found girlfriends who love to get together for lunch, tea or just to hang out in cafes like I do. Never been so happy in my life. I’ve found that trying to base a friendship on just getting together at a party or lunch, especially if alcohol is involved, never works out for me.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@ggirl7945]

Thank you so much Anna for what you do ❤ I found your channel a couple of months ago and it has been really eye opening. Carla thank you for the courage it took for you to send this letter and giving us the tools through Anna to heal. We are not alone because of this community xxx

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes!

[@natalierachellouisesantana]

Omg thank you SO much for this Fairy and Carla! This has been immensely helpful- magical timing, I was looking for these answers and guidance. So grateful 🙏🏽🥰🌻

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad it helped! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ashleeskhan4075]

Thank you for this. In fact, thank you so much for everything that you do.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@eimmioh]

Sending love and well wishes for authentic love and connection your way. I hope it’s a comfort and source of encouragement to you how much so many of us relate to your experience and have benefited from your communication with Anna.

[@moirosalina]

Carla, I think it's really brave that you have sent your letter and it's very relatable. I have been searching for information on this subject; thank you so much for sending it

[@Alwayslearnimg]

Oh my goodness that totally explains so much of my life. Thank you so much. This channel is amazing

[@b.wilder1663]

Carla, you're not alone, not by half!! Everything in your note and all that Anna stated, I've been through and honestly, still return to at times and struggle with. It's a part of my life, but having the awareness of it and the tools to address it is so very helpful. Thanks Anna, for once again hearing us all when you hear just one of us. You get it, I can feel, see and hear that-- and it's so beneficial to us out here. When Anna said she was gonna cry in this video, I had just started crying. I'm crying again, right now LOL-- Life's not easy for many people, if we're honest. PTSD puts a special twist on things, for sure, but there are still quite a few of us out here in the world, unfortunately-- but fortunately when we connect heart-to-heart. Kudos to Carla for writing it down and seeking assistance. Kudos to Anna for being here, sharing all she's learned. And kudos to this community, who understand much, and sometimes all, of the issues we face daily.