(PART 2) Spectrum of Love: My Autistic Odyssey with Sex

[@lindat7525]

Very, very brave. If that's the right word. Being an autistic teenage girl 45 years ago meant being taken advantage of and assaulted so many times. There's so much to unpack there and it can't be done here. I just hope that autistic girls do not have the same experience now. A diagnosis is the first thing that would have helped.

[@Rayna-gn3ni]

I see you because I was you as well. I have the same luggage to pack as well. Blessings on your journey.

[@CraigDaBrute838]

I don’t know what to say, other than I feel bad for y’all

[@ThatLionessGirl]

Unfortunately, a lot of us still do, but hey, it’s a journey to self growth!

[@Impaled_Onion-thatsmine]

How is that normal it's still there overactive sex drives until they can't even barely function biologically and become complete borderline cases sexually

[@deedee8329]

Great segment being honest with your self and others can be hard but so necessary

[@noodleberry9550]

Feeling gross because I know they are doing something with the intention of getting something later. I've never had someone talk about feeling the same way I do. I appreciate this thank you

[@carynmartin6053]

🎉😮😂SAME!!!🎉😮❤

[@MM3OG]

Okay but let's say it's the other way around you're doing something with the intention of getting something out of the guy later whether it's sexual or not isn't that also just as wrong??. This is what I don't understand about women y'all literally don't like certain things men do but then will turn around and do that's exact same thing. Women also do stuff for men with intentions whether it's for sex or not so I don't see how it's any different.

[@cholm2070]

This is so real…

[@cholm2070]

@@MM3OG it really is the same, but there’s historical context to be considered, and “track records.” (Women obviously can and do assault men, and it’s terrible. Not denying that.)

[@isabellaraflowski6034]

100% couldn’t agree more. I was surprised that this was someone else’s experience. I’ve tried explaining it to my partner when I started vouching for my consent and setting boundaries, but she explained it perfectly! I’m stealing her wording!

[@podoke]

i have never heard someone put to words the feeling of "i get *noise of disgust* when i know guys are sexually attracted to me" ive felt that way my whole life and never knew if 1. it was a thing others felt and 2. it could be explained by pda autism very well hm.... lots to think about

[@TriforceLiz]

That statement from Paige brought a world of clarity to my confusion regarding attraction!

[@baandersson2737]

I once told my mom that I hated when guys were attracted to me, and that if a guy thought he could fantasize about me without my consent I'd "punch his head off" (quote). She laughed and said she'd had the same thought. This is the first time I'm hearing someone else express that sentiment, albeit a bit less violent. 😅

[@synchronium24]

@@baandersson2737 Policing what thoughts people can have in their own heads is far more entitled.

[@baandersson2737]

@@synchronium24 I know that I can't actually control what thoughts people have - it was just an expression of frustration from my end based on the icky feeling I would get in that situation. Of course I wouldn't actually do anything about it. Also I was 15 when I said it.

[@taylorfrink1182]

@@synchronium24 getting triggered at someone simply not wanting to be undressed with someone random man’s eyes and fantasized about says a lot about you homie and none of it good

[@MasterAdam100]

As an Autistic man, I've had relationships eventually end over emotional issues. And every single time, we either had sex on the first date or in the first month. As I'm older and wiser now, I've had a rule that I bring with me into future relationships: No initiating sex for the first 3 months. Those first months are so crucial to building a connection with your new partner that sex could complicate things. I mean, I'm up for bending that rule a little if a woman really feels comfortable with me and initiates it herself but even then, I would want to talk to my partner first about sex, boundaries, consent, what we like, etc. Nothing too deep but spending years in a burnout spiral has given me a lot of time to think about my past relationships. Thank you for your valuable insight!

[@bassmunk]

People need to think about sex as if it's the final boss in a video game. Literally everything else comes 1st. I personally take the stand of, no sex before marriage, and that mentality has saved me from all these horror stories I hear people telling. You have a very good approach.

[@Fxirie_harper08]

Appreciate this insight from an older guy on the spectrum! My first boyfriend was neurodivergent and I only want to date NDs in future, as FRIENDS FIRST.

[@Feminazi1dc]

Honestly, I don’t agree w this. Sex is very different for each person and what their boundaries are.. you don’t get to say that peoples relationships are less valuable because they had sex early ?? sex can be for fun and connecting..

[@RyannJoyRule]

“Can a girl not just be hot in peace?? And not have everyone like ogle?” Lmao 🤣

[@peterhogben3304]

No they can't 🤭

[@aaacomp1]

No, it sounds like she needs to be more comfortable with her supposed hotness. It's not your partner's fault that you're hot. Don't penalize people because you aren't comfortable with your own looks.

[@centraltime3680]

​@@aaacomp1except that's not it, it's exactly what she said, as another autistic woman who has no opinion on her appearances but is strikingly aware that the world thinks of me in a certain way it's just annoying to be perceived in that way, and im pretty sure she's saying she only has this issue with her partners because of how people can already view her

[@merbst]

I think she isn't thinking ahead to when she is 60 and sees a 20 year old version of herself walk by! 😊

[@Catlily5]

​@@aaacomp1 You can admire someone's looks without being abusive.

[@helenm1085]

I love that this video is basically giving a whole bunch of autistic people a safe space to be honest and open and discuss things that they otherwise might not get a chance to. Thanks for starting this conversation!

[@DonutFrown]

Thank you! I'm 27, and you taught me what consent actually is. I had to process things, before coming back to thank you.

[@korgaupisc129]

A thing about consent imo is, that the focus has to be on enthusiastic consent. One can say yes, but just because you want to do the other person a favour or because you are really bad at saying no. I think, if a yes is not enthusiastic, it's basically a no.

[@NataschaHansen-x3u]

Before I learned more about autism I thought that I was dissociating every time I had sex, but now I know that it was because I was so overstimulated that my brain couldn't process what was going on. That also resulted in me having my boundaries overstepped every time I had sex cause I could not say no. It's only after I got in a relationship where I've actually been able to enjoy sex cause we took it all in a tempo my brain could handle. He also knows that I might get overstimulated so we can talk about it when it happens although it's very rare during sex now.

[@bagfootbandit8745]

I'm not autistic, but I am ADHD, and I've met a lot of autistic and ADHD folks in kink spaces. I think there's a lot more neurodivergent folks in those spaces, and it's definitely because consent is heavily stressed in any space that's worth going to. Just sharing for anyone who might feel weird about their stuff. There are whole communities out there.

[@plantstho6599]

ASD/ADHD here. Been in and out of the kink community for 15 years. It hasn't worked for me at all.

[@Zectifin]

I've heard that people on the spectrum tend to have a higher amount of kinks. I think there are probably a lot of autistic/ADHD people in the kink community, they just don't show up to events because its exhausting and coupled with the shame aspect, embarrassing. I've had friends who went to kink events and people always made fun of them and I would feel uncomfortable going. I'm already shy at large group events for non shameful things like video games. Going to a space where we talked about weird sex shit with strangers is too much for me lol.

[@plantstho6599]

@@Zectifin I'm learning that trans and asexual people are on the spectrum, as are most engineers (probably everyone working at Tesla as programmers and engineers). It also accounts for dyslexics , synesthetes, and smart guys like Newton, Tesla, and Einstein. Probably all religious heads were autistic... From everything I'm learning, things that may help us on the spectrum are developing body awareness, developing a meditation discipline, and learning to modulate your nervous system at will. These are all variations of the same practice.

[@aerialdive]

@@plantstho6599 not all trans and ace people are on the spectrum, but theres a higher chance of autistic people being trans and ace.

[@plantstho6599]

@@aerialdive Probably that Venn diagram is very overlapped, but not completely eclipsed. Side note: I just discovered Taurine supplement helps some of my symptoms. Try pills or powder. Energy drinks aren't healthy.

[@cosinev1265]

I was in one relationship and it was incredibly toxic. Years later I have become content with just being single. I’m not even interested in sex anyway. In order to be content, I had to strip away a lifetime of social conditioning that tells you that you need to have a relationship and you need to have sex.

[@MargauxNeedler]

I'd love a rltshp w/out sex even

[@couchpotatoe91]

Intimacy can manifest in many different ways, not just (piv) sex. There's many people that are completely asexual and some that are "just" interested in the romantic parts of a relationship. Some people define sex different and are more interested in touching and other sensation or fantasies and power dynamics. There's nothing you need to do or should feel oblieged to do. It's really just an adult game that you can make your own rules of. All you have to find is somebody who is excited to play with your rules or who you can compromise with as to what your rules are. I hope you find somebody that loves you for who you are and isn't pushing you, but instead accepts you as you. ❤

[@MISSMADISONMEDIA]

“There’s often wetness involved” made me laugh😂 That came across so genuine and innocent. Like thats very valid

[@cassidybrewer]

I couldn’t relate to all of your words more. I’m 31 and just in the last few years I’m coming to terms with being autistic. It was always an issue in relationships, especially as far as sex is concerned. I would always push through it and give in, even if I didn’t want it, even if it hurt, etc. and it traumatized me because then I associated pain and discomfort with sex. It took years to realize it was okay to say no, because we are so conditioned as afab people to just accept that it’s “expected” of us.

[@emilbirb]

"Can a girl not just be hot in peace" had me burst out laughing. I feel you on the needing the other person to know and consent to taking pleasure from their body. That topic followed up by saying you're a little sexually unconventional and "kinky", well... I think we're on the same page. PDA gonna PDA. Proud of you for talking about this so openly when you grew up with so much shame surrounding sex and your own pleasure.

[@aub2826]

I'm a trans guy on the spectrum. I was in a relationship before I realized I was trans, and sex was very complicated for me. I was always uncomfortable, and I didn't know why, and it would lead to meltdowns because I would get overestimated. my partner at the time thought it was their fault and that i just wasn't into them, which wasn't true, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. After coming out as trans everything makes a lot more sense now :)

[@taylorfrink1182]

thank you for sharing this because you put into words so many of my feelings and struggles around sex. it really is so hard as a sensory experience and just as an autistic woman in general especially one having been through male perpertrated violence. i relate to how you described being grossed out or feeling icky when a man does something with the intent of initiating sex with you, totally different with women but with men that's just how it is.. it is so reassuring hearing you share such similar experiences and makes me feel less alone xx thank you from one autistic lady to anotha

[@justmaggs]

100% my same experience.. thank you for posting. I spent so many years trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me.. I was cheated on and blamed for it, sexually assaulted (countless times I now realize), and pressured to try/do things I was not comfortable with. Since figuring out I am autistic.. and getting out of that horrible relationship.. I have learned SO much about my sexuality and how to make sex an enjoyable thing.. I just wish it hadn't taken until I was 30 😂 Also, the sensory issues 😂😂 I've been called out SO many times, "why are you getting up and going to the bathroom immediately?! Don't you want to cuddle?" Like nahh dude, I need to clean myself up NOW before I meltdown 😂

[@justshawna]

"Can a girl not just be hot in peace?!" I've been feeling it for decades and I couldn't have said it better!! 😂🙌👏

[@hugoquinonez2975]

Thank you for inciting me to think more about my relationship with sex.

[@SamFokker]

If I saw this series at 13 it truly would've changed my life. You're doing very important work, Paige. Any advice on getting over those past encounters? Will I always base my present on what I've learned/experienced in my past? Why does my brain remind me of my childhood issues SO often like damn bro you know where it stems from now move onnn 😭

[@andiralosh2173]

I related to a lot of this. Thank you for the vulnerability and all the truth! Talking about sexual development is SO IMPORTANT, especially in the queer community. Very much appreciate the points adjacent to the issues of infantilizing and adultification. Age appropriate education and respectful availability of knowledge is how we keep kids safe!

[@nightw4tchman]

I'm a male on the spectrum and this was insightful. It's informed a previous relationship with a girl I've realised was autistic.

[@kr3642]

As an autistic woman who loves sex, i would definitely struggle with someone who didn't want me to initiate things. It's pretty normal. I think i would feel very sexually repressed and pretty insecure if my partner hadn't initiated in a long time. Thats not to say that youre wrong or bad, it just triggers something abandonment like in me.

[@synchronium24]

Most people would find that arrangement unworkable. Consent and boundaries are important, but if Paige's boyfriend approaches her for sex, it's not because he's concocted some insidious plan to manipulate her. And if she's upset at him for being sexually attracted to her, I struggle to see the point of continuing the relationship. That goes so far beyond wanting your partner to also care about your personality and feelings.

[@Sindrijo]

Yep, seems a bit of a one way street to me. She says she needs spontaneity and that she needs to initiate or she won't be into it, so she's essentially saying her partner needs to be ready for it at any time but they are not 'allowed' to initiate themselves?

[@Feminazi1dc]

I bet her experience as a pretty woman has also contributed to the aversion due to all the weirdos in the world.

[@NidusFormicarum]

My ex girlfriend was the one who initiated sex every single time. It just went into that habit. She used to call me and asked if I could come over when she was in the mood. She is autistic too. We always initiated things verbally - I wouldn't feel okay with just the physical without words. (We had half an hour foreplay though.) It should be mentioned though that I was almost a virgin when we met so everything was new to me and I even shaked when we were naked for the first time because I felt so tense. I took on the role as the soft passionate lover. I felt that I needed to consent otherwise I will never have an opportunity to have sex with someone again. Not only that but it felt like it was my obligation as a boyfriend to provide sex whenever she needed it. That also meant that I focused much more on her satisfaction than my own. I felt a bit ashamed over my own pleasure like I was a perpetrator. She came almost every time, but I rarely orgasmed. I still find it hard to come when I have sex with someone. I wanted to write in the main section so I will probably repeat myself there.

[@NidusFormicarum]

Yes, would much prefer a schedule. That feels way more relaxed and I can let everything take the time I feel comfortable with without stress. Spontaneous sex can be so stressful. I am the guy who is very slow to start and very slow to finish. So I might like an hour of warm-up, but can then have sex for one and a half hour straight. I much prefer long sessions once a week to shorter sessions each third day.

[@jackietea8772]

Me and my partner had a lot of issues that you seem to have when it comes to sex... and it sucked because we really love eachother, but our sexual needs arent super aligned (him=high libido... me=low, but also i was the one to initiate because he could have it anytime.. so it put a lot of pressure and mental load on me). So one day... we decided to try something crazy and its INSANE how much it changed our lives. Now we have sex days. Tuesday, and Friday... and we HAVE to do it those days, no excuses (if we cant for some reason, we push it to the next day. Also, were married, so we have a pretty solid life schedule going to where this isn't hard to achieve). That did it. It took the pressure and guilt off of my shoulders having to initiate all the time... and to try to KNOW when I wanted to have sex. It also took away the unwanted attention I got from my husband to HINT to me that he wanted it, when I didnt... because i would always just get annoyed by it, instead of getting turned on. I can also prepare myself. If I know its a sex day.. I can do what I need to do to get in the mood in advance. For him... it took away this feeling of unknown that he didnt even realize effected him. He said he no longer has to wonder when he was going to have sex next. Like if he was really horny.. too bad, he might get it tonight... or in 4 nights, and that was really sexually frustrating for him. Now he just knows.... he knows how long he will have to wait, he doesnt have to hint to me, he doesnt have to worry about it. And life goes on. Interestingly... our sex is better, and it seems like we have sex less... even though I know we are having it MORE than we did before this arrangement, and I think the reason is because i'm thinking about it less. Its not taking up so much space in my mind. I HIGHLY recommend trying this. Sorry, I commented this on both videos because I think it can be really helpful for people who struggle with mental load, and pressure when it comes to sex. Especially autistics. This wont work for everyone obviously... but I think it could work for some.

[@SLYKM]

This sounds amazing, and I want to try this. Somehow my partner and I seem to be high and low libido at the same time, probably coming from waiting for the other person lol.

[@MbeHappYMiam2]

I'm really glad this is working for you and your partner! I just want to mention to be careful about absolute rules like these, make sure you are always consenting. Sex is never owed. You are never obligated to have sex. Not having sex when horny can be frustrating, yes, but having sex without *enthousiastic* consent is traumatising. It is not worth it. There are alternative for the high-libido partner, but the low-libido partner could just accumulate trauma. I am not saying this is your situation, just imploring anyone reading this to stay safe! Your feelings are valid, and you should never force yourself to do anything sexually, regardless of who it is with (boyfriend/girlfriend, long-term partner, husband/wife, etc.). You do not owe them anything.

[@jackietea8772]

@@MbeHappYMiam2 I understand this perspective... especially if someone already has sexual trauma. But I think in a healthy marriage there is a element of compromise that needs to happen to make it work from both parties. I don't believe he needed to be the only one compromising in this situation.... because I do love him, and want him to be satisfied in this relationship, as I think most people do when they are in a good loving relationship. Do I want to have sex all the time? no... but He would not be happy in this marriage if we always went by what I want. This way, I can prepare and can change my perspective, and do a quickie if I really am not in the mood. Communication is always important though. Like I said, if it really cant happen one day, we push it forward.. and its fine. But this has taken the grey "who is compromising MORE" issue away that was causing resentment on both sides. It also took the feeling of being "forced by my husband" issue away too. feeling coerced or "flirted" into sex can be really frustrating.. and when men "hint" to sex, it can feel like that. that is no longer there. I know its hard to fully understand... its why it took us 15 years to try this... because it seems weird. But its worth a try if you cant figure it out. lol. Just make sure your relationship is healthy before deciding to take this route.

[@jackietea8772]

@@SLYKM I find sex when you "feel" like it is tough in any relationship. It feels so grey... and it causes resentment and frustration. This set up took that away completely. It feels a bit more logically transactional vs grey and "feelings" based... which is often when resentment happens. which I know sound SUPER weird... but it really does work. Just because something is transactional doesn't mean it still cant be enjoyed. So much of my mind was taken up by sex... whether it was pressure, guilt, worry, planning, getting in the mood, irritation, frustration etc... now all that is gone, and I can fill my brain with other things.

[@TomHutchinson5]

Thank you for sharing your journey. I found the work of Jessa Zimmerman and Janna Denton-Howes to be really helpful.

[@alderoth01]

It's funny to me how parents will think this entire video series and topic is TOO much information when it's exactly what people, not just young people, but everybody, needs to here. I grew up in a strange home where nobody talked to you about anything. They just yelled about how wrong it was and how Jesus was watching you, but when I ended up getting "used" for someone else's pleasure at the age of 7 nobody said a word. From there I was convinced that, "that's just how the world works", and relied on porn to teach me everything from there, just like you had discussed. It's amazing how many people think this is all hush, hush, and shouldn't be talked about, but I sure as shit would've benefitted in my formative years if someone had videos like this made for kids to learn from, or if I had a parent that could've explained all of this to me like you have. You're doing god's work because he left the building a long time ago. Thank you for this.

[@RiceBallEnby]

As an autistic person I find a lot of us are either super hypersexual or completely asexual and sex repulsed, and sometimes there's rarely an in-between, and I think it could have something to do with the amount of us that have experienced sexual abuse/assault, and how we tend to either be hyper or hypo sensitive to sensory input. I'm often sensory seeking and I've been SAed multiple times, so you can only imagine how sexually active and kinky I am lol.

[@ReineDeLaSeine14]

I’m for the most part asexual, but I’m sex ambivalent. I much prefer non-sexual intimacy. What’s weird is I’m with a hypersexual person with a high libido. I told them tonight that I like that in our relationship we can both have pleasure in our own ways.

[@SP-qi8ur]

How active and kinky are you?

[@NidusFormicarum]

Yes. This applies to me as an autistic individual as well. It's either all in or nothing irrespectively of the area. "Everything or nothing" is even in a monologue I have written which is also put to music for choir and orchestra.

[@NidusFormicarum]

Haha, even when it comes to having sex, it's the same. Either I want to warm up for an hour and then have passionate sex for two more hours and have an intimate, warm, cosy conversation afterwards. Or I prefer to do something else.

[@crwmy]

Very interesting about the „don’t initiate“ part. Making the (often hidden) demand visible and connecting it to PDA makes a lot sense to me. Same with it being an expectation in a relationship. For me, there are unexpected but interesting similarities to ace-spectrum (asexual spectrum, including demisexual) experiences with when and how wanting to be intimate and dealing with these expectations and boundary setting and self value. I find it exciting to see these unexpected potential overlaps in (especially marginalized) experiences, because it makes it possible to build surprising connections and alliances.

[@Emily-ce7hd]

As an undiagnosed autistic teen, I had learned the troubling lesson that if no one wants to be friends with you then if you let people be sexual with you then they’ll sometimes talk with you like a friend. If I was lucky. Definitely lead to lots of grooming from 14yo onward.

[@nussknacker9827]

Absolutely. It's so sad 😢

[@tiegrsidesignsandstudio4794]

Thank you for making this video - it's not something I've talked to anyone about before but I have the same problem with getting icky feelings when a partner initiates...though I'm ok with it sometimes in the beginning...but then it becomes too often. Sex is almost always on the backburner for me and that's been extremely problematic for my male partners. It definitely is so much easier when I am in a good place, not stressed out, not worried about my to-do list tomorrow or how many things I didn't get done...or ESPECIALLY if there's something else I know I need to start doing within the next hour and a half or so. I prefer morning sex to night time - I think because at the end of the day I'm just so overstimulated and worn out already, and I don't want to put more effort or be asked to. I super especially hate feeling 'obligated' to have sex just because my partner wants to, even if I am feeling safe and ok. My ex husband definitely made me feel like it was my DUTY to service him, even when I had really bad PPD. For a long time I would "accidentally" fall asleep in my kids room while putting them to bed so I could avoid going to my own bed where he was waiting. It was... traumatizing and at the time I didn't know or understand that marital grapes are still grape (minus the g of course). I've been watching so many of your videos lately and it's so refreshing to hear someone who is just fucking brutally honest about shit. Watching your videos is like therapy. Thank you.

[@haraluppnow3534]

SUCH an important topic, thank you for opening our inner world up to the public. Had such similar experience to you, the ‘manipulation’ was real. Years later, I am married to an incredible man - he makes me feel safe, he reads me, reads the mood… no manipulation just authentic connection. What a difference when you find the right partner for you. ❤

[@AliiKattTalks]

Your ending song has become my new hyperfixation and I've been dancing around the gym saying "Boop boop BYEEEEE!"

[@torigowen6729]

Thank you so much for making this video and sharing your experience. This is the first time I’ve heard something related to sex and autism that really makes sense to me. I feel like I’m able to understand myself a bit better. You rock. Thank you.

[@MichelleMontemayor]

Ha! Loved this!! Radical self expression; healing through sharing stories and struggles; destigmatization and honest conversations about the reality of so many people’s lives (including my own) ❤

[@calliope6623]

This is giving me a lot to think about. Just learned about this PDA thing, and it makes a lot of sense with the way my attraction turns off if I feel even the slightest pressure to reciprocate someone's desire. It's like cats. You gotta let the cat come to you. So many people don't seem to understand what a powerful, negative, lasting effect some of my experiences with non-consent have had on me. Not even intercourse. I'm talking sloppy kisses, tickling, being stared at too long, or pressured into any kind of intimacy by someone I'm alone with. To some people this is apparently nothing, but these experiences have left me with a sense of disgust that lives in my bones. I have a double-layer reaction to being pressured in general. My core instinctual reaction is NO! But my knee-jerk reaction TO that reaction is "Just do what they want as fast as possible and get it over with! Defiance only gets you into trouble!". I have to learn how to get past that second voice, and put a pause button on everything until I can be present.

[@kiwiii37]

I think I am one of the people you posted this for... I'm nearly 30 at this point, still not diagnosed, but this gets in the way of my sex life a lot and it's always been so hard to put my finger on... I'm literally married but I still deal with all those PDA feelings of obligation...thus never having sex. My partner is perfect except he always wants it and it's literally a turn off and I hate it. I've thought it might be the PDA of it all, so this is just super validating. Basically, everything you said could have been me. Thank you for this ^___^

[@IAMYETTI25]

Having PDA when is comes to sex is difficult af. If i feel the slight hint you're are trying to come at me it's an instant turn off. Like chill out for a second and I'll let you know whenever I'm willing. It always works when I initiate but not the other way around. I think i just had to many experiences when I was under 18 where people had malicious intent and I couldn't pick on it until way after the fact.

[@nittygritty7034]

What is PDA as an acronym? I only know public display of affection.

[@MISSMADISONMEDIA]

@@nittygritty7034yeah i was very confused by that too. I thought she was talking about public displays of affection

[@IAMYETTI25]

@@nittygritty7034 pathological demand avoidance but I like her acronym instead being Persistent Drive for Autonomy, it just makes more sense.

[@dannieartemis2509]

Really related to this video - particularly about not being attracted when people (specifically men) are trying to jumpstart sex. I am not diagnosed with autism (tho i have my suspicions) but I do have a past with sexual assault/abuse that makes it very difficult for me to feel safe being that vulnerable with another person its so frustrating to be on a nice date with someone and sitting on the couch or whatever and you can feel them like....idk laying in wait for you to say ok! or they just start touching you/themself and its like you talked about in part 1 this feeling of "oh ok i guess sex is happening now i must have done something to signal this" there were so many parts of these vids that i really really related to like when you spoke about this feeling of being perpetually on guard and like yeah! whats up with that!!! its the worst feeling in the world! it truly makes this environment of not being able to feel safe that is so horrible to experience when you're just trying to have a fun time also when you talk about just vibing in your body like YUP!!!!!! that is such a frustrating experience, particularly if you are somone like me who is not considered conventionally attractive and then you get these absolute slimeball PUA guys who authentically think you *are* going to thank them because they found you sexually attractive. like this isnt my human body that i have to live in every single day there is something so disgusting and off-putting and deeply unattractive about feeling like you are just a nut waiting to happen, just an object waiting to be used for your one true purpose - the sexual gratification of others ive had this negative experience with both men and women (both trans and cis and even those who fall outside of that) so while im glad a lot of people have personally found that this eases in queer spaces, i haven't been personally able to find that peace idk i do not consider myself an ace/demi person after hearing/reading so many of their experiences/stories i just found it does not resonate with me, but this does so maybe an official diagnosis is in my future. anyway thank you for this video and sorry for the tmi rant! love what you do!

[@fideovilm8448]

"you can feel them like...idk laying in wait for you to say ok!". I felt that x

[@digitalcatto]

I'm a 41 yr old autistic non-binary person. Luckily enough, i received a good sdxual education because my parents wanted to protect me from abusers and also, because my menstruation cycle started when i was 7 years old. I am also into kinky stuff. 😂 And I'm also a gray ace. I also hope everyone could be educated without any prejudices about seggs. We all need it, specially like you say, we're definitely more prone to being abused and knowledge is power. At this point i have already explored what i like and what i don't like and also, what am i looking for. Much love to all autistics in this journey of self discovery through pleasure. 🤗💕 I'd just ad that as usual, protect yourselves from STDs and that u should explore yourselves enough, to be comfortable just by pleasing yourself if u feel u want to. Do not wait for someone or the "the right one" to start exploring that field if u feel the need.

[@hermionesings]

I love your videos Paige! This series has been helpful to me. I really appreciate you being open about you experiences. I relate to a lot of what you're saying, especially with the not wanting people to have sex with me, the grossness of people looking at me and thinking of me in a sexual way. I'm also figuring out my sexuality. I know I like men and women, but I dont want to be touched by men. I've never been sexually intimate with women. It's something I'm open to trying, but I think I might be demisexual. Not to be so tmi 😅 but I find being intimate with myself is perfection. I love. I always get the O too.

[@laurad1487]

I think that difficulty reading social cues, people's intentions, and facial expressions can lead to a lot of kinds of unsafe situations. I know it has for me. Avoiding all people getting anywhere close to me IRL has been my solution

[@9crutnacker985]

It was only in the last yr (& I'm 59, widowed) that I truly understood that most people like sex, aren't scared of hurting their partner (under 'normal' circumstances) that they don't dissociate & don't have anxiety nor are they repulsed by those body parts or the mess or the smells or guilty about thinking 'dirty' thoughts about them. What made this realisation possible was the 'new' flashbacks & lifting of dissociative amnesia of being sexually abused by my mother when I was 3yo together with my understanding of being AuDHD and a life spent dissociated due to chronic trauma. I'm now more at ease with this, with my body, with nudity & with discussing these topics. Total get where you're at / ware at re shame & embarrassment over this. You've done really well being able to talk about this in these videos & post stuff on the IntNet.

[@lethalprincess2087]

7:15 Very accurate. And my blood pressure drops, so I’ll start to feel sick if anything escalated to something I can’t handle.

[@katarinahope99]

I relate hardcore to this, I don’t have the money to get properly diagnosed but I’m suspected to have it by all of my therapists and I very much relate to this… I was also SA’d by my older brother when I was a child and it made me feel really awkward and ashamed of it and that’s carried into my adult life

[@WPVanHeerden]

I'm autistic. As a child, somehow my difference made people think I was available for non-consesual sex. I got used to the fact that it is something that peoole did to me and sometimes wanted me to do to them. For 20 years, I was a "living dildo" for a Sapphic woman, before she came out, in a most hateful way towards me.(She was sexually active outside of the marriage) All in all, I found sex to be actually harmful to my mental health and have been celibate for three years, and will probably stay so indefinitely. Best wishes for your journey, thanks for the honesty, it couldn't have been easy.✌

[@idontwannapickanametho]

Woah ive never had someone else express all these experiences and emotions around sexual attraction. I also get upset/feel resentful from anyone trying to initiate sex because it feels manipulative, for example, and the negative impact of life stress making it so that i don't have the mental space to be in the mood at all often. Great job talking about a tough topic

[@rockstarspud2392]

Thank you for sharing this, such a private subject to a lot of people and something that needs better understanding of. I’m sorry that you had so many negative experiences before you found out what makes you feel comfortable.

[@crazyratlady3115]

As a demisexual sex-ambivalent with PDA "the answer is DON'T" fuckin sent me lmao

[@anniekelley9027]

Wish this video existed when i was a teen. I never knew wtf was going on. Always dated boys a couple to a few years older than i was . I was 13 when i had my first bf and he was 17. It was not a good experience. None of them were. This video healed my inner child a little bit. Thank you❤

[@ptlovelight2971]

Paige, thank you for these videos on sex and autism. So timely for me, as I'm currently talking with a guy and feeling it headed in that direction. We are meeting for dinner this weekend, and he may end up staying with me for the night as he lives very far away. The crazy part is, I'm normally very very guarded and cautious about new people and getting close to them. But with him, i actually want him in my space?? Which is a new feeling for me. I've also felt incredibly sexual these past few weeks, also unusual. I want to be spontaneous and give in to my feelings in the moment, but i also want to be careful like you mentioned at the end of the video. Not sure where any of this is headed, but thank you for shining some light on the topic

[@karolusmagnus3992]

very curious, how'd it go?

[@nanas.grotto3091]

thank you for making this video, i am in a relationship and struggle a lot with this. It helps just hearing your not the only one.

[@carrosgostosas5592]

i relate to so much of this. i feel kinda sexually "broken" (which is such a disgusting expression but unfortunately it's how it feels) and hopeless everything has to be perfect and i must have nothing else in my mind in order to want it and knowing my partner kisses me with the intention of getting aroused really makes me feel so alienated, i often feel like the only choice i have is to comply and dissociate

[@insanenoire7154]

I can’t tell you how happy I am you made this video. I feel emotional right now because no one gets it. I feel I’m too complicated to have a good sexual experience with someone because I’m being “unfair” by having all these needs. I’ve had sex before and it was nice but like…not as nice as I wanted it to be and I feel so embarrassed to say that. Like I’m this broken person who isn’t meant to have sex or is too much of a hassle to be allowed to enjoy sex. And yes, it’s also because of men. I also realized I feel kind of grossed out if a guy says I’m “hot”. Like I am glad men find me attractive but when they express is it just makes me feel…I dunno like an object? Less of a human? I’ve always identified as straight but I’m wondering if I should try to explore other options…that’s also been on my mind for a while. I’ve rambled a lot all ready but this is a topic that’s always been very triggering for me because I’ve felt so insecure with the problems I’ve had with sex and societies views towards it. I’ve expressed things in this comment that I’ve never expressed to people closest to me. Because I’m that embarrassed.

[@robokill387]

You're projecting your own issues onto other people.

[@karolusmagnus3992]

@@robokill387 that's really not helpful, and likely comes across as very rude and insensitive, at least it does to me.

[@karolusmagnus3992]

Your feelings are totally normal, and probably more common than you think, just most people are too embarrassed to talk about it, but you were very brave! However you feel about it, your needs are not unfair or invalid. Your needs, however inconvenient they may be, are 100% valid and legitimate! Be gentle with yourself, you're worth it!

[@jaconator1245]

22 year old autistic/adhd/ptsd guy here: I find it really hard to find anyone attractive, honestly. I was sexually assaulted as a kid by a close friend and people have commented on my body since I was a kid and my relationship w it is still royally fucked. My head is also a mess bc of years of emotional abuse from my father and a REALLY fucked adoption story - the Jacob lore goes for fuckin miles, man. Anyway, all this to say, I find it hard to trust people. Between being insecure about how Im perceived and having time worry another person’s pleasure and being AND my own - not remotely possible when I also would have to mask to feel like Im playing the part right. In the past, Ive had one person in all ways except physically throw themselves at me and tell em verbatim that they wanted to fool around, and I just couldnt. It takes months of me being around a person to consider it. Since then, Ive had only a single person Ive felt attracted to, and I think it was mutual, as do my friends. Problem is she lives 2 hours away. Ive known her since we went to the same band camp in hs and met through one of my friends. We connected pretty well I feel, playing minecraft or animal crossing and staying on the phone for many hours a day just kinda talking and laughing, but again, she lives 2 hours away. I havent been able to connect w anyone like that since, and it may be a while. To be fully transparent I still have yet to have sex, doubly annoying as a bi man bc I have basically twice the dating pool as a straight guy and I kinda feel the demand to get it over with weighing on me constantly. Im scared to pursue anyone bc of the lack of any experience. Ive tried dating apps, but theyre entirely superficial. Im not bad looking, ik that. But I hate looking at myself sometimes and dont know how to take good photos so I dont feel I make a good impression. I try to connect w people I know in person, and I have many many good platonic relationships, but I cannot navigate approaching someone romantically, much less sexually, without overwhelming anxiety bc of social expectations and rejection anxiety. Life is so great, guys. Low key sometimes feel like Im gonna buck the trend of getting laid my ancestors have established since before that one stupid fish sprouted legs a few million years ago

[@danaschaffer9150]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I never thought people would have similar experiences

[@lethalprincess2087]

4:38 Very true. My boyfriend wants to do stuff with me, and I’m an autistic who’s done literally nothing, but if my mind is occupied with other things, that is the last thing on my mind. Not only that, it takes A LOT to get me in the mood. A LOT. Because honestly, most of the time, it’s not on my mind, and I’m completely uninterested.

[@thecolorjune]

Me from 1 year ago could have been saved so much SA and discomfort by having this video. Even now, it puts my experiences into words. It’s hard to heal and feel safe around a partner again after bad experiences. Especially since I still am bad at processing my emotions enough to communicate my needs, and I’m more likely to agree to things out of fear. Could you talk more about how you set boundaries and identify your emotions?

[@ReineDeLaSeine14]

This is at the right time for me. I’m 35 and am in my first relationship that involves any kind of sexual intimacy.

[@catalinkaa]

Thank you for this! It’s so important! ❤

[@lobsterkitty7]

thank you for making these videos, and thank you for being so open about this topic!

[@lobsterkitty7]

and thank you for posting the second part the same day!

[@neurospicyplus]

I just married my gf and we're both autistic/ADHD. Now we're trying to navigate this and it's difficult cuz of a lack of sex education like you mentioned. So now i'm doing research on autism and sex cuz me trying to initiate is becoming too stressful for her.

[@NFSMAN50]

Good evening Paige. Sex is a very interesting topic to talk about. We Neurodivergents tend to be a bit more on the extreme ends of sexuality, we are either hyposexual or hypersexual. We also are very opened minded with kinks too, more than Neurotypicals are, and that's interesting. Demisexuality is another topic and I think lots of ND people are demi.

[@nicoleacosta586]

This is so true and you're SO brave for talking about all of this, good for you. ❤ I rant to do a video like this because of my SA experiences that people have tried to invalidate or think as excessive and I "deserved it"

[@wayneisname4544]

My sexual experiences being autistic: Thanks for reading

[@Petlover97]

This !! This.. omg so finally someone else says the exact thing I’ve been thinking ever since I started this phase in my ‘journey’ (or whatever you’d like to call it) like always thinking that it was more then just depression and anxiety and even tho the little bit of time I was being treated for adhd tho that was a turnaround it wasn’t complete (but esp since none of the other meds ever worked or even helped much like I saw my brother where even the first one like yea it wasn’t the right one but he was still so different like I don’t know the way he responded where with me it was always “I don’t understand her”) but even after questioning bringing this up to the people around me I get the classic “you are too smart or you don’t act like that” as if I have to legit rock in front of people like no I only do it when I am alone while there are no eyes on me (which like anyone else I can literally feel people watching me like it burns thru me I don’t know it’s so weird but it’s forever been that way and I finally think that is what it is like I don’t know what else there’s no other explanation other then the pda, but who am I and what do I even know lol right?) (then I wanna be like no you know what I do know because I’m a freakin Einstein) anyway yes the part where “you realize later it wasn’t really consent” like forreal that one gets me tho.. like badly lol oh and I don’t know if this will be helpful for anyone else but something I think that did help a little for me was my partner and I decided of a safe word (it was like some random ass word I think it was like scooby doo or something lol) but to use that as another safe word because I think that stop or no maybe like too negative like where just thinking about that I mean I wouldn’t be able to physically get myself to say it because it’s like weird ? I don’t know but that way you have the safe word which maybe can help ? (I mean they have to listen to that ofc lol but uh that’s a totally different thing) but yea sorry this is rambly my brain is a mess but again just thank you for all that you do because if anything you have truly helped me feel less alone and not as insane (even if it’s only by a little bit) truly tho thank you 💕

[@jarmoliebrand2005]

8:36 “I don’t feel cool talking about sex.” And yet you do it anyway. Which is really going to be helpful for a lot of people out there.

[@charlottebreton6796]

Im starting to date a guy, but I haven't been in a relationship for over 3 years. Everything feels brand new to me, even though I have experience. I dont know if anyone feels like this, but I feel like I want to get out there and start doing stuff, but at the same time I don't want to. It's hard to convey this to another person when I don't know if it even makes sense to myself. Forgot to say that yes, I am autistic as well.

[@1dgram]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that before finding someone who treats you right

[@matthewconley7495]

Thanks for your sharing. I feel this whole subject of sexual health is still soooo taboo in society at large, unless it’s in the media or porn…especially so much so if you’re on the spectrum. It’s like it’s supposed to be okay to joke about sex. So much to say about this. Thanks again.

[@sarahbb7227]

❤❤❤ Yas!!! Ppl need to be talking about this stuff. And that is coming from someone whos parents talked about sex a lot. Personally, I haven't had sexual relations with another person in 10yrs and I am only now at 34 starting to unpack what I previously experienced it terms of consent (back then we thought consent meant that if you didn't say no you were saying yes). And now finding out I am PDA, demisexual with a fondness for a lil kink has made me see my past experiences with new eyes and less shame tbh. It's a fricking revelation I wish I had many yrs ago. Maybe, I wouldn't have been single (by choice) all these yrs.

[@jessicalorraine8679]

Wow wow wow this all resonates with me so much. You put into words all the things I struggle to understand about myself and articulate to partners. Thank you

[@thehollyannrose]

Sis I am grossed out by people being attracted to me too. Like yeah I know I’m totally open with talking about xes and things but as soon as someone actually wants to do it with me, I dip. 😅 dating was very complicated for me and I’m shook I managed to find a husband lol

[@condotiero860]

27 male, was diagnosed recently Omg, that reaction 'uhn' is so real. Intimacy is too information rich for my blood, so I always avoided it. Well not always, I tried it, but I noticed it burned me out, I meltdown once, never again.

[@morgankey4470]

Not knowing how to not be manipulated!!! And then the internalization that I must have done something to deserve this. Wow. One time I felt so guilty and I went home and cried to my mom about it and told her how sorry I was! Like… red flag?! I agree, a diagnosis would’ve helped me too.

[@testsignupagain7449]

You say a lot of things that I relate to. It helps give me the words I didn't have beforehand

[@fabovondestory]

"Cant women just be hot in peace" 😂😭

[@DangerAngelous]

Everyone should be happy to listen to your thoughts about this as well, I'd feel upset if I was doing it and unknowingly I did something wrong and made the experience not a fun, enjoyable time for the other person

[@yesterdaydream]

You said SO many relatable things here I wish I'd known when I was your age. Thanks for talking about stuff!

[@jennuwinlivin]

The amount I relate to part 1 of your story is heartbreaking, it's crazy bananas how much ASD women have experienced SA and during times where we didn't understand we were. I'm happy to hear you've learned more about yourself and your sexual safety/consent. That said I think I just learned why when my wife initiates I'm less likely to say yes 🤯 but then take it so hard if/when she rejects me 😂 ASD is wild 🙈😹

[@thegracklepeck]

Oh definitely. I had the exact same experience with not knowing I was SAed until someone else confirmed it for me. Sadly we often just don't realize or are confused about what exactly happened. Sometimes it's obvious, others not so much.

[@mooonoiocoa]

I often feel a disconnection between physical arousal and mental arousal and I'm not sure what to do with that information. So I'm not mentally horny very often but I can be brought into that mental state if everything is *just right* and no distractions. The tiniest distraction and I'm not even horny anymore. It's frustrating because I want to have a good time.

[@johnrice1943]

Glad i stayed to the end. That song was awesome

[@La.Le.Lu.]

I was sexualy abused when i was 14 and didn't know how to communicate to stop this. I cried everyday after that for 2 months straight and didn't had any kind of sexual experience after until i turned 19 and decided to have my legit first time with my best friend because we had this kind of relationship where we couldn't date each other but it was always more than just friendship if yk what i mean... so i tried it with him, it hurted so much and i stopped him and thankfully he didn't push me through and we stopped. I tried to get more experience when i was like 20-23 but i was so traumatized by this pain of my first time that i was to scared to do it and now I'm turning 29 soon and never had really sex in my life and I don't know how to get over that fear since I didn't know i was autistic my whole life. I self diagnosed when i was 25 and it's so difficult for me to even think about having sex with someone without getting reminded of this pain i felt... i hate being a women. I wish i could be the part that slides in and not the hole 😂😂😂

[@6pmmm]

You've put it into words for me!!! That disgust I feel when men expect something of women, it's so selfish and egotistical and they think you're a b**** for feeling that way. THANK YOU

[@merbst]

part 2! Paige; you courageous!

[@RokkitGrrl]

I have that same problem, if I know that a guy is sexually attracted to me. I start overanalyzing everything that he's doing and I tend to not want to reciprocate. I don't know how to get over that but I'm really glad that you found a way to push past that.

[@skittycat2021]

Omg just you example with PDA explains so much😂 yessss so true. EVERYTHING YOU SAID IS WHAT IVE TOLD MY FIANCÉ 😂😂😂😂

[@parkerellis5716]

Pretty much anything I wanted to learn about I had to find out on my own. Sex became just another thing I studied. I've had a total of 13 different sexual partners. I've learned a lot over the years and I am still learning. When I got into relationships, I believed that I needed to satisfy my partner both mentally and physically so they wouldn't become upset. I've had a lot of trauma from past relationships that have made me unable to easily trust anyone. For now, I'm just focusing on myself. There are many things I haven't personally had time for because I've spent most of my free time worried about others.

[@NidusFormicarum]

While I am a male coming from a different angle and with different experiences, I can partly relate to the feeling that it is your obligation to satisfy your partner. That is a very stressful feeling. In part, this probably comes from my religious up-bringing were sex was more or less depicted as something you have to provide to the opposite sex within a marriage and I was taught that the man was primarily the giver. Even if you have a strong drive and you are in the mood for having sex with the other person it is still an unhealthy feeling if you feel like sex is an obligation and something that expected by you and that satisfying your partner is something you should do rather than something that you are passionate about doing. In a small dose it is healthy and normal to fear making your partner (or other people) sad or upset or anxious - it is called respect! However, a feeling of obligation to make people happy and satisfied is not healthy - especially not when it comes with fear in the way you describe it. 🙂

[@michaelvandenheuvel317]

It’s so complicated. I do identify with the need for it to be just right. Reciprocal reciprocity in a way that’s not communicated by mire words. Similar to a moon launch countdown. If at anytime you reach a threshold marker where everything does not check out. All systems are not a go , and the countdown can not continue. All the conditions must be met, like an unconscious check list. I believe like PDA it’s a form of resource management. A built in biological trait to guard your resources and commitment for precisely the right moment and person that will provide the best results long term. A list of unconscious checks that have to be met before proceeding.

[@lins_z2]

I identify so much with the spontaneous part. If it’s planned even if just a 10~15 minutes plan to do it, it’s not working. I guess because it being spontaneous doesn’t give you time to overthink about it and you’re in the moment. But also man… that assumption that if it’s happening, it must be our own fault or it must be normal or whats supposed to happen. And then you’re taken advantage of. It’s just damn awful. Up until recently a lot of it I thought was my fault for just not being able to say no and letting it all happen to me.

[@TheRizzXTC]

Thank you so much for this video I am 31 almost 32 and I still feel like I get sexually assaulted because I have cptsd and I’m scared to make people angry and I barely feel like I can take care of myself so I have to rely on other people . I also do not have a diagnosis although I know that I’m autistic but there is nobody in the healthcare or public system here that will help or listen validate or even support me . This world is a scary place and it is hard feeling so alone especially when you have children don’t even get me started there I’m made to feel like the worst mother in the world when I know that if they were with me still they would be more safe than since I asked for help and they made it worse. I’m sorry this is a huge tmi dump . Sending good vibes and I’ll keep hope I figure it out sorry

[@geromeolona9088]

Thanks for sharing; your voice and experience are incredibly important!

[@theedgeofoblivious]

Sexual education for autistic girls is not more important for the girls' safety than sexual education for autistic boys. Sexual education for both is important for the girls' safety(as well as the boys' safety), and for the ability of both to actually be able to function and date at all.

[@rkivelover]

both are very important but I think it's fair to say that it is slightly more important for autistic girls due to girls' vulnerability in sexual situations and the power men can often exercise over them, more so than the other way around

[@theedgeofoblivious]

@@rkivelover Oh they're important for different reasons. Violence toward the girls, danger toward the girls, absolutely, but for the boys, if they don't get comprehensive sex education, there's a reasonable chance a lot of them won't end up being in any kind of situation to have sex or have any kind of sexual relationships with anyone at all. It's kind of like opposite sides of the same coin. I honestly think that there is equal importance that both receive comprehensive sex education.

[@rkivelover]

@@theedgeofoblivious that makes a lot of sense actually! I still think it's more important for autistic girls just in terms of severe, often lifelong trauma and trust issues that can result from sexual assault and rape, as well as the chances of it happening multiple times before they even realise that that's not okay, but yeah sex education is very important for everyone and I'm sure that lack of sufficient sex ed can particularly affect autistic boys too

[@helenm1085]

CW: sexual assault I think there's an unfortunate other side to it as well, which is that if boys (and anyone really, sexual assault can be perpetrated by any gender) aren't given sex ed, they are more likely to sexually assault someone or make their partner uncomfortable. A lot of people learn about sex from unrealistic porn when they don't have proper education, and don't get support to understand social rules and expectations around sex. For instance I had a friend who realised that they could go to parties and kiss a lot of people, but seemed oblivious to the fact that people were not really consenting due to intoxication, and when they sobered up would complain that my friend had pressured them into it. They ended up assaulting multiple people and maybe it's naive of me to believe that they didn't realise that they were putting pressure on people and not allowing them to say no, but that was the excuse they used. We are not friends anymore.

[@MaB-ku4rz]

well i relate to this a lot. thank you for sharing! so good to hear a story so similar to mine 🥰

[@TomsOnUK]

Good explanations and important topics / facts stated

[@sirthisisawendyss]

(kinda off topic lol) I'm really vibing with the "end of the video" song. it slaps :)

[@Sparkoflight013]

THANK YOU. Omfg. Needed someone to share this.

[@FaolanHart]

The amount of times I've been asked if I'm gay because I'm not just going to jump at the chance of sleeping with a woman... Women aren't used to sexual rejection at all. The nicer ones will assume there is something wrong with them & that I don't like them. Or think I'm lying to be manipulative. It just takes a lot for me to get to that point. I can, but I need to really trust them & feel a real connection. But that doesn't come easy. As much as men get talked about & seen as sex obsessed, women are honestly no different. Its just the way most people are. So when you fall outside of that norm.....yeaaaaah it kinda sucks.

[@greenromancepark]

Me: I was never segguassaulted and I’m autistic, I wonder if avoiding people helped with that Me: not considering my segguassault as a real segguassault

[@drtaverner]

There is a _huge_ crossover between Kink, Autistic, and Polyamorus communities. We're wired differently. There's no more shame in being Kinky than in being Autistic. They often go hand in hand. It's good to hear that you found a safe, communicative partner so early.

[@friendly.felidae]

Never heard someone else have the "eggplant would be easier" thought! I have wondered if it was a trans thing and while I am NB I've come to realize I am definitely not ftm trans. I absolutely think it might be a sensory thing and I just never realized until this video! I feel you on the SA being so high in autistic afabs though. It's happened so many times where I just was not able to read the social queues until it was SA. Particularly as a teen, as now I just don't do anything besides stay home or if I go out it's with family😅 stayed single for 5+ years now due to the traumas.