Relationship Shadow of the Fearful Avoidant

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In this video I'll talk about the relationship shadow of the fearful avoidant.
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I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)
Thank you for watching!

[@sharikgorilla176]

give the girl a world peace prize! you're helping me find peace in myself :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad to hear this Sharik - PDS team member

[@srivasudhahemadribhotla7804]

BIG SHOUTOUT to Thais and the PDS team ! You guys definitely deserve a Nobel Prize!

[@strikefofficial]

She’s sick init! So many gems 🙌

[@vanessarodriguez2565]

She’s a genius. Ive never heard anyone speak to this stuff with such accuracy insight and relatability.

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 1:58

[@wowwee0]

The biggest problem is I feel I don't even deserve to be happy, so asking myself what I want doesn't get far.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

write out the stories you are telling yourself of why you don;t deserve to be happy and try and challenge the one sided interpretations you are making - PDS team member

[@cedricchan4224]

My avoidant ex told me the same. She cant control her own happiness. I asked if not you, who? 3 years of relationship. I’m the anxious attachment style. It’s tiring, worn out and one sided. They invest very little and come out very quickly out of the blue. Ups and downs like rollar coaster. U never know what will happened tomorrow. The day after, the next month...... I still love her but i know a healthy long lasting relationship has to be both ways. Both showing up. Both fighting both supporting one another.

[@morehn]

@@cedricchan4224 don't pretend you're in love before you know the person. It doesn't exist. And don't fight. You don't gain. Let things slide. Life is not that serious.

[@TravelMamaAnnaVon]

Shadow work is my jam and how I changed from an AA basket case into 50% secure. Really working hard on this stubborn last 20% FA and 20% AA. Learning shadow for DAs also helped me a lot to figure out why I keep attracting them when I really don't want to. Thais - what should I focus on in my equal FA and AA stuff? Where should I start ?

[@Daniel-pd2zn]

I hate being an FA. I was adopted from Korea as a baby, and i grew up with loving parents who were financially available, and my mother was very present and supportive for me in all of my sports and activities growing up, but neither were emotionally available for me. I have so many issues that come up with my AP girlfriend, and neither of us ever feel heard or understood, and it’s so disappointing and discouraging to the point that I feel like I’m the one who drains everything of her and I’m the one who is selfish and self-centered and the one at fault for everything when she is the one who has tried to be so giving for me

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Keep trying to learn about your attachment style and how to heal these core wounds. A lot of the problems are from past trauma being triggered. If you can work on your healing these issues will not be as bad. You can heal from this. This isn't who you are at your core - PDS team member

[@mhyunsook]

whats AP girl friend means..

[@Daniel-pd2zn]

@@mhyunsook anxious preoccupied

[@annaynely]

I love your eclectic style Thais! For me, you are a combination of a regular psychologist, an alternative therapies psychologist, and Byron Katie, a much younger version, but I love your style and I connect with it. (ex: ask yourself is it true? , where are you doing this so that others reflect it back to you?, simply amazing)

[@user-tk4qd8dj1p]

Yeah I overshared personal info that I couldn’t call them out when felt abused even finding out in the first year because they knew way more about me than I did. I realize I bonded too fast. Couldn’t stop until used therapy, distress lines for anxiety, because then co-regulated and didn’t feel tempted to bond via sharing too much and could just take things slow. Need help with managing anxiety, so could be more calm, rational, evaluative with self-reflection and meet my own needs better. Also helped with letting people into my life who were better for me.

[@Frengladeutschgirl]

The school is amazing. I've been going for 2 weeks now and it's already been transformational

[@joannemcclelland5271]

I just started and change has already begun. I can see my core wound being triggered with my conscious mind now, and I am able to speak the language of my subconscious to redirect my trigger. It’s amazing!

[@TatiTalks]

The control piece (particularly when it comes to self) I’m still actively working on. xD Lol to the dismissive piece. Haven’t thought about the anxious-to-self concept yet though...so interesting. Spent a lot of time exploring the “how have you been dismissive of self” but would love examples of questions targeting “how have I been anxious to self” so I can better understand what that looks like... But laughing at how relatable this all is. Big breakthrough for me was realizing that I could ask others for help AND still be okay if they were unable to give me what I needed. Realizing, first and foremost, I’ve got me covered but - at the same time - relying on my stable/healthy connections felt good too. Even if friends were unable to help how I needed them to, just reaching out and realizing they were there, having that added bonus of not feeling so alone, made me feel better. Building up that self-trust made asking for help a lot easier.

[@couch_philosoph3325]

Oh my good this makes sooo much sense. I never understood why i was often very caring, but at some point left feel drained. When i do the majority of the chores, i need my bf to acknowledge it and thank me for it. I get internally angry when i prepare food and he watches television and doesn't propose to help (becaus ehe know i like cooking a lot), even though i don't want the help. I juat want him to ask if he could help. This explains so well why he just says "well i am always there to help, just say whenever you need it" and I'm like "well, i just want you to ask". As you said we FAs have that feeling of caring for people who need help, but then get frustrated/triggered if we are being taken for granted

[@misshellokittynerd]

I’d love to listen to your podcast if you have one!

[@pravinsharma2105]

I was waiting for my turn. Thank you❤️❤️❤️ 0822pm viewed complete video. Just want to share something. 1. I tend to not to say "no" even when I badly wanted. I was afraid of loss of image I had. This "good image" (so called) was the valuable thing to me. 2. I had no sense of good and also had bad boundaries. All boundaries were bad for me to imply. I can't say easily my words if it is going to clash with her. 3. Once my gf went to a staff party and came too late, didn't told me or informed me at all. When I got to know I did not talk about it coz it was "controlling" to talk about these issues in my experience. Later I also got to know that she had a fight in that party and one guy asked her to hang out and she said yes to him for next day. It felt really bad than, and I was resentful about. This is the taking advantage of self and suffocating self. If it's going to toll on your soul, talk about it. Break that good man Image. 4. Now i believe in boundaries. They're hard to talk about but really helpful. Tell them what is not acceptable. At the end of the day it's not a jail, it's relationship and you deserve a good one. More power and blessings to this beautiful lady, she bring a lot sense in me. Love you.

[@ambers512]

Wow! I learn something super valuable about people in my life AND myself every single time I watch one of your videos. Thank you so much for making this information free to the public ❤️

[@saraheve1290]

you’re such a wonderful person.

[@joshliam1967]

Learning that I end up being attracted to people who are dismissive of me because I'm dismissive of myself...huge lightbulb moment, wow. Thank you!

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

My mother always accused me of being selfish and taking advantage of her. Yes, I always felt like I was a burden to her and my needs were not important. I'm getting more selfish in my old age, and I'm ok with it. It's ok to be selfish sometimes. Oh, and I had to cut off my mother. I do take advantage of myself and I'm dismissive of my needs. I need to work on this.

[@amymcclelland310]

I can't believe that I have found you! I wish I knew about you 20 years ago. The heart break it would have saved me!!! Thanks so so muc. You are an angel. Love Amyx

[@malniehamex5273]

I am Secure and seeing a FA, I am over the relationship at this point as they’re not doing the work. Would love a video on how a secure person can end things without reigniting their wound.

[@varp.]

What i as a FA would love to hear, is breaking up "lovingly". Our past explains, but does not excuse our behaviour when it comes to relationship. If they are not doing the work, you can actknowledge that. Relationship needs work, and if you feel its not given, its a valid reason to end. Do not give them hate about their wounds, but tell it to be a reason this relationship cannot work right now.

[@cedricchan4224]

Alot gurus said.... when the time the FA comes around and realize it, you wouldn’t be around by then.... because the time is just way too long for you to wait around. They are not willing to put the work, invest very little, easier to come out safe and unhurt.... to love is to take risk and be vulnerable. There’s no wrong dating a Avoidant. But it’s takes alot and alot. Most of time it sucks all the energy , logic , essence and self worth within me with my past experience.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

How does a secure person end up being with a FA person? What's the attraction?

[@caitm8209]

Thais, do you deal with attachment styles coupled with other mental disorders, such as FA and ADHD? I feel like this can add a really complicating factor to finding balance and equalibrium And just wondering if there are extra steps to take in such a case.

[@wf4983]

Yes, thank you for this question. Same here!

[@gsuper2009]

Yes, Thank you for the question. My ex is fearful avoidant and has bipolar 2.

[@kittthompson]

I learnt recently that a lot of adhd can be about disassociation because of growing up in a traumatic environment. When I found this out, I realised how much I live in a fantasy land in my head. I’m constantly disconnecting and not in my body. I’ve started EMDR to try and change things. I want better for myself.

[@SumanBijlaniGynaecologist]

I can't believe it. It was as if you were talking about me. Great work. Thanks. God bless

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

thank you! - PDS team member

[@005Amergin]

This is so important thank you so much for sharing your knowledge! Im just at the beginning of healing journey!

[@IsabelSmith31]

Omg. I thought my main attachment style was AA but I'm starting to wonder if it's actually FA

[@bygrace8485]

This was incredibly help ! P.S you look absolutely stunning!! So classy Thias!

[@greentara291]

How 'bout the flipside of having controlling parents? Mom was depressed and Dad worked a lot so there was little structure, standards or bandwidth to be curious about me. I was the "easy kid". Whatever I was doing was fine. I felt like I was trying to create my own structure and boundaries without adult help.

[@paulavela2604]

you're changing my life thank you.

[@honeymoney23]

This is mindblowing 🤯

[@yveqeshy]

That part about being controlling of oneself because of perharps relating with an authoritarian parent 👌

[@missjk00]

Understanding the enneagram makes shadow work so much deeper.

[@jppoco8366]

How?

[@sunshinestar6076]

Thais you are a treasure box! ❤️

[@leolady8114]

You are just incredibly AMAZING!!!!

[@kernalmasta]

Hi! Love the video. Any tips on getting a fearful avoidant back when they say they cannot trust you at all, despite the efforts you have done to prove to them? Fixed mindset and such.

[@cavelleardiel]

I am a fearful avoidant. Does your partner know they are a fearful avoidant and are they willing to look at their triggers? I think if they know that when they are triggered they can talk to you about it and work through it with you in the moment. The feelings get very overwhelming when we are in it. When I look back it is when behaviours are inconsistent that is where the trust issues can come in to play.

[@kernalmasta]

@@cavelleardiel she does not unfortunately. I have been researching and reading books related to attachment theory for the last month and we broke up 2 months ago. I want to approach her in a way that tells her about her tendencies related to being fearful avoidant, not blaming her or such but simply saying I know she can work through this. On paper she is like 80% fearful avoidant 20% anxious. When there is conflict she is triggered and such because she has ptsd from past trauma with ex's and her childhood. We were together for 6 years and she broke up with me at the first sign of a large conflict (not minor ones, but even those she had to always be right based on her opinion). Said conflict dealt with me playing neutral in an argument between her and my family, she expected me to stick up for her and practically disown the said family member.

[@cavelleardiel]

@@kernalmasta Could you put it in writing? Give her time to digest what you have written? It also gives you time to get your thoughts out with opportunity to edit and refine where as in a conversation it can go sideways.

[@kernalmasta]

@@cavelleardiel i can, the only issue is when she broke up with me, she went no contact saying she needed time to heal and maybe in like 2 years we can reconnect. That to me was astounding...

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hi Nick, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like your ex has some really deep wounds that she doesn't want to work on or confront. I would worry the same thing might happen if you did end up back together. Obviously it has to be that person wanting to heal no matter what amazing information we present to them. I would say to check out these two videos that Thais has made in the past to get some insight on what you are going through: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oGKVgmd8j82jrKs and: kzbin.info/www/bejne/npK1aqejqrmEoas -PDS team member

[@jackieschesnuk6669]

I miss these old school videos.

[@deepwaters7242]

Wow this was super on point for my partner.

[@iddefusco]

Into ends @1:57

[@LorraineVirginie]

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so triggered by people being rude or disrespectful for so long!

[@sazonada]

Stop making my head explode so much plz thx

[@ariadne6104]

So helpful!

[@victoriaparish8996]

I searched for “ISTP” and this video popped. Either the algorithm or tags used were a bit too accurate 😅

[@Danielle-t7t]

What if the dad is an alcoholic and the mom?Is emotional and available ❤

[@ammu1295]

Oh god... Thais you’re just talking of me

[@Bbb96a]

Is there a Korean who speaks English and can translate her vids for me!!! I need to make my da bf who is depressed too, to watch her vids. Pls help

[@Bbb96a]

I will pay u!!

[@eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeism]

You can turn on the subtitles and then there's an option to translate automatically to any language

[@mhyunsook]

I can help so. this version is quite difficult for me too, but I can try or we help each other. I,m also a therapist myself. u can give me yr email or yr no. so I'll reply

[@rednvocal]

This deems general, yet you say you're talking about dismissive avoidants. Do you have something's ng sorvifuc you n your courses. Im a member. I would like to understand a man who is a workaholic, people pkeaser ( can't turn away work in his workshop) , says has been screqed by women, but is a softie. However, canr even commit to having nt a good time.

[@crystalsears4338]

Wow..I need her help. Anyone know where she is located?

[@gogohappygirl]

Canada

[@IsabelSmith31]

Ah it's cuz my ex f**ked me up the last several years that's why lol. Went from AA to FA slant.

[@uruuuuocean]

Wow!❤️

[@mattdoyle6444]

Love I AM

[@AstroSquid]

Calling homophily racism is just another type of racism. Meaning people who agree and like ethics because it has real world values and it does discriminate of one's need to survive and succeed to and end that is healthy, this is just the unhealthy calling the healthy racist.

[@nancypatricia511]

I can tell that you are a recovering fearful avoidant because of your fear of not wanting to offend or hurt others feelings you dance around in you speech, and use a lot of words that sometimes is confusing when you are trying to get points across. Being more direct would help. Dismissive avoidant people are selfish. Then say what the wound is. Fearful avoidants are doormats and say why. More direct with fewer words.

[@jppoco8366]

I think it's not about "not to offend" but more like to "not to name-call" because it's bad for mental health and she's encouraging people to heal their wounds so using those words would be counterproductive. But I agree that she needs to be more direct, but not name-call, so that it'll be easier to understand.

[@rodimus900supreame4]

Will my FA ex reach out and what to get back together ? We was together for 3 months and it’s been almost 3 months which I’m in no contact. I am an AP .

[@mattdoyle6444]

My name is Matthew I believe God has lead me to you Can we meet where when and Love Jesus Christ

[@nataliaestrella8609]

I’m just guessing and I really have no evidence to believe this, but I kinda feel Sarah M and Shawn F were the ones to thumbs down this video.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

@UCZGuZeGv6FYkszHEW6Z1Oow 😂😂😂😂😂 it’s just joke, I make those from time to time. But actually I just assumed because ive gone thru all the comments under these videos and no one has been so adamant on FAs and DAs’ behavior being intolerable, not with a psych background at least. But you are absolutely right I do need to do shadow work myself. Enjoy your day. Hopefully you can laugh about it too. After you sit with it for awhile.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

@UCZGuZeGv6FYkszHEW6Z1Oow Shawn you had quite a visceral reaction.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

@@ShawnFin I’ve even liked many of your replies. There is no triggered feelings or animosity of any sort. I actually appreciated the intellectual exchange we had before.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

@@ShawnFin Shawn what do you think I was doing? Trying to get you kicked out of the PDS school? Witch hunt? Seriously? Okay😒 I’m glad you are upholding your boundaries.

[@MissSarahGM]

Natalia Estrella Hi, I don't usually thumb down videos, or not that I recall of.There are interesting takes from PDS, especially on self work, or I wouldn't watch them. I discuss with people and exchange arguments as a clinician and as person. The other time under the DA video, where we had a thread of discussion - which seems to have been deleted - I was saying that attachment styles are not everything in a relationship, that it's dangerous to let people use this lense and sell them possible false hope about a toxic relationship. There are disorders and other dynamics that people can't assess most times. You seemed to understand my point. It's not too nice to try to vilify people this way. Sounds like Argumentum ad personam. Attacking the persons when you can't win the argument. Hi Shawn, I enjoyed our exchange on the topic and trauma bonding.

[@Linh-06T]

So messy and unclear today!!! Do less videos but more to the point please :) publishing is not perishing until the content becomes less good ...

[@Kyrmana]

The point of daily videos is that they come daily 🤨 Why not try out one of her web courses of you want sth more structured

[@Coeurlarme]

I get finding the video messy. How about we write down the point of the video, and arrange them in a more concise, organized and “to the point” way? That way we also remember them more clearly if it applies to us :)

[@mhyunsook]

yup it's difficult to understand. in fact I'm not sure myself as FA that I have some features, ie. hot &cold, however I have very thick sense of boundaries. how can I do start course works?