The 5 Types of Fearful Avoidant AKA Disorganized Attachment Style

[@Awakened.for.good1967]

It's a helluva feeling to come across this stuff at 52 years old to realize why I've been a mess my whole life. Sorry to all my ex's. Yikes

[@angiematthews1512]

Same here at age 59.

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

😂

[@Tara-hi3nm]

Totally, I'm 48 and I've only just discovered this... Wow!!!

[@lincris10]

I was dismissive most of my life. I moved to FA for about the last year. I’m 36 now, and I can’t believe I have been a mess 🥺

[@lostinwonderland87]

look into neurofeedback,emdr, and emotion code to cure root of your attachment styles

[@ev8873]

0:19 - intro 0:37 - ad 1:08 - importance 1:48 - intro pt 2 2:30 - ad 3:20 - volatile 6:54 - control 8:44 - Internal 9:45 - leaning anxious 11:00 - leaning dismissive

[@tuduetso.m]

Thank you🥲

[@mehroshabid8007]

thank you so much!!!

[@msgirl01]

Thank u

[@GhostDad1]

Had no idea there are different types

[@anthonywhite6895]

you are so real

[@lavendernightmares8793]

Tried to keep notes! I feel like so many could apply to my attachment style. 1. Volatile FA - trauma involving chronic control, manipulation, household conflict, that might have gone under the radar. Patterns: Hot & cold, emotional outbursts. 2. Controlling FA - Trying to keep control of yourself, things feel out of control in a relationship. Patterns: high-achieving, perfectionism, intense environment/schedule 3. Internal FA - can be volatile, but keep a cap on their anger. History of not being able to express anger. Patterns: passive aggressive, inward anger 4. Subconscious FA 5. FA leaning anxious - patterns: enmeshed struggles with boundaries, clings too much or pushed away when others cling too much 6. FA leaning dismissive - can be present, open, used to predicting other's needs, but pushes away when not reciprocated

[@SK-no2pp]

They all overlap, I thought I was dealing with someone dismissive but he could just be an FA leaning dismissive. Or a quiet borderline, Or an internal FA. Sighs

[@LiterateAphrodisiac]

The FA I’m dating exhibits all of these “types”

[@smileyface702]

Yeah I have no idea which one of these I am

[@mariamas1639]

I’m 6

[@wardhamuneeb4393]

Love u, thank u so much for the notes🙏

[@mitsyhernandezz]

I am DEFINITELY a controlling FA!!!! My life is amazing without a relationship. Once I try to enter a relationship, shit hits the fan. Therefore I just avoid relationships.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

At 56 years old, I can relate to this. I feel at peace when I'm single and not dating or seeing anyone. Whenever I'm involved, I become anxious and fearful of losing that person to the extent that I'm unhappy. I hate it so much.

[@NunayoBisnez]

Best to avoid relationships 👍🏾

[@chrismccaffrey8256]

@@NunayoBisnez maybe.... or bestto heal our wounds, that way we can be fully whole and peaceful in every way. Just because it doesnt appear when youre alone, doesnt mean the burden isnt there.

[@triptych78]

I used to be a FA. I’m Secure leaning slightly anxious. So? I was in this mindset too. No relationships, etc, but still want intimacy and love. The brain must be re wired. Remember this: there is no escaping hurt, anywhere, no perfect relationship. If you expect this, life will always let you down. Life sucks sometimes, but through pain, comes strength. I learned this. It’s not our fault we became this way, but if we choose not to heal, or at least try, we cannot complain or say it cannot get any better. Self love is key. Remember: we are worthy. Going through life with the notion that nothing will ever work out, but still want it to work contradicts itself. Love yourself, get the help you need, heal, and let love rule in your life

[@BigBoss23-y5n]

Wow

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 3:19

[@sophiesteger7299]

I searched for your comment 😂

[@thomas-ud1fs]

Thanks

[@miriamhavard7621]

☺️

[@elizabethrollano5900]

You're a gem, thanks!

[@Thanatology138]

Love this add friendly energy!

[@KurtvonWasmuth]

I'm not sure when it happened but somehow the best part of my day is finding these Daily Breakthrough Videos. This one was especially poignant for me. Thank you so much!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your lovely comment Kurt - PDS team member

[@deidreritter1165]

THIS I’m so grateful for this content

[@kellygaitten1551]

me too!! Such a relief that there is help and we can heal these patterns!

[@ryansparreboom5724]

I can’t believe that at 42 yrs old I am just finally learning about my fearful avoidant attachment style. Thais, you are amazing and teaching me so much!! I left my 16 yr marriage (21 yrs together) 8 months ago and I wish I’d have known about this and started fixing myself years ago. :( I have a lot of work to do. Your videos are helping me SO much. Thank you!!

[@andrewwallus847]

Literally same here, dude. Better late than never!

[@suras8984]

Did you get her back?

[@hammondesque]

I feel like I'm a mix of controlling FA and FA leaning dismissive. I never get into relationships because I'm terrified of "losing" a part of myself. I don't even date casually anymore! I definitely used to be an Internal FA but with with the PDS daily videos and a lot of self reflection and practise, I've learnt to communicate and express my anger.

[@drphosferrous]

Probably way easier to work on while single.

[@Borboleta1212]

I’m the internal FA with some parts controlling FA and a little of the Dismissive Leaning FA . I totally get where you’re coming from with a fear of “losing” part of yourself. It’s heartening to read that you’ve healed from the Internal FA stage and can express your anger/needs/boundaries in a healthy manner and I intend to do the same! Thank you for sharing your story Amy!💚💚💚

[@abes2758]

Good on you for trying at east. I am / was dating a FA/DA , given you would understand more than anyone how do you communicate in a way that they hear what you’re saying and not what their interpretation is. It really is so heartbreaking because he is a beautiful guy at the core but anything I do or say even when I’m being patient and rewriting messages to. Try to not trigger him is so tough. Even though I know he cares. It’s such a fucked situation

[@MarinaMichaels]

I just found your channel. Thanks for this video. My mother was a raging, histrionic narcissist and I was her scapegoat. It took me decades to figure things out. Eventually I forgave her (fortunately, a few years before her death) and disconnected from her completely, but the internal damage still lingers. I've known a long time that the lifetime of abuse affected my ability to feel I'm worthy of being liked and loved. This video is another piece of the puzzle.

[@miriamhavard7621]

💗🌺

[@ambular0504ut]

Thanks Thais. I am coming out of FA and more towards secure with each class and video. Everyone around me as well as I can see the healing

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That's so amazing to hear. Can we use this for our upcoming testimonials page?

[@ambular0504ut]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool sure

[@catombomb3003]

These videos are getting more and more interesting. And it's nice to hear her talk 😂

[@maximilianbatz2070]

Thais has a very nice voice.

[@thehapagirl92]

I’m the volatile FA and I don’t ever say awful things purposely to hurt people. I feel so disempowered being at the mercy of my emotions.

[@Razainthewoods]

I feel the same way.. how do we heal this?

[@NunayoBisnez]

Take her courses lol

[@JamesBrowningII]

I'm a mix of volatile FA and Controlling FA and I use words to hurt others on purpose. I wield them like a weapon and I strike hard and deep. If it doesn't wound them then I know they aren't paying attention and that they never cared at all to begin with.

[@Mytinhalo]

Thank you for these videos, I am so disheartened by others who make FAs seem like villains, toxic people,, or not worth the effort. Your videos give so much gentleness, that we need.

[@scottsmanship]

This video really helps clarify things for me. I believe I am internal experiencing FA. I've had such a long and exhausting journey finding my attachment style because so much information on the FA seems to focus on the volatile FA. This couldn't be further from the truth for me. The information on this video doesn't seem to be widely available when doing research on attachment. Confrontation was avoided in my household. My mother had a narcissistic parenting style. I received serious emeshment and parental alienation trauma from her. My father was dismissive avoidant and unavailable. One of the most challenging aspects of all of this is learning how to have healthy boundaries with a mother who is completely unaware of all these behaviors and still projecting her pain outwards. It's especially challenging when she masks it with love and being the victim herself. I am 7 years clean from a serious heroin addiction. I understand that it wasn't my fault for what happened in my childhood but it is my responsibility to do something about it. I am going to keep making my way through your videos and am interested in getting involved in your programs. Improving boundaries has been a long process for me.

[@yamieden4350]

Where does so much info focus in the volitile? I see many down playing hostile behavior? Please share any info.

[@chooseaname1423]

I get so happy when I hear stories of addiction recovery. You are a warrior and I hope you give yourself an inner high five every day for being so strong. Thank you for sharing it too because the people still struggling need to know there is hope.

[@slinkdawg75]

Thais, if you wrote a book that explored these sub categories of FA, DA, AA, I would definitely read it! This has been a really fascinating topic. I think I’m probably FA leaning anxious. It’s been a useful way to look at past partners, because these sub types fit them a little better than the standard 3 attachment styles. Great content.

[@drphosferrous]

Word. I'm codep anxious, with a long history of being drawn to FA's,fetishizing the idea of breaking them out, failing, and suffering lots over it. It's egregiously sad.

[@lizp2512]

Great feedback !

[@christinagrant1]

Me too I would defo read it

[@natalia.grandi]

your quality of your lighting and microphone sound is perfect in this video!

[@mer-ced-es]

Oh my God. Internal FA. Yes. All the anger and drama and volatility is present, but I never express it to anyone because I don't want to scare people away. Oh my God :(

[@Borboleta1212]

Me too!

[@kathrina.109]

me too 🙈 - but it kinda feels good to finally have a name for this.

[@Canadianforestfairy]

These are THE best attachment style explanations. You are so intelligent and well spoken❤️ I love your energy. I’ve been sharing them with friends😊 I will definitely do your course. You’re a life saver❤️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for your lovely comment Kaleigh - PDS team member

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

How much does the course cost? I wonder if I can afford it.

[@mamaberd]

I ALWAYS appreciate that you recognize that avoidant's aren't the bad guy as with so many other channels (they are narcs, borderlines, autistic, bipolar, you name it). Thank you

[@drjcobra2187]

I grew up with a Malignant Covert Narcissist mother. She didnt meet my emotional needs at all and would tell me to hide all my emotions and scold me for showing anything other than perfection out in public. I didnt want her to be mad so I constantly pushed myself to be the best I could be and was pushed into the "Golden child" spot and after watching this I realize why I was so angry growing up and why my relationships had either a narcissist partner with me either avoiding the relationship or pushing hard to please them at all costs.

[@smedmark1]

I’m both volatile and controlling FA. Developed an eating disorder at the age of 16... still struggling to overcome these tendencies. I was suicidal at 17 (but not anymore. I’ve done enough self work that i will never get back to that place). It’s been a long ugly road but your videos are an incredible help.

[@clorofemully]

When you were talking about the volatile FA, I thought you were going to say something like "If you are someone in a relationship with this person, remember that you don't have to stay if someone is abusing you," (obviously true), but then you said, "it's not your fault" and I lost it crying. Thank you.

[@yamieden4350]

It's not your fault, but your responsibility not to harm others.

[@pnw_forest_fae5789]

Surely I can't be the only one who is most definitely a mix of all of the above?? Explains a great deal.

[@wht1232]

I came across PDS in February when I was going through a COVID breakup. I was a mess... After three months of pretty intense involvement with school/courses/webinars, and understanding the roots of my relationship issues (being FA), the most important being the relationship to self, I can honestly say my life is so different. Connection feels so easy these days when you actually know yourself, know your needs and boundaries and know that YOU ARE SO DESERVING of having them met! To all FAs who can’t imagine what it feels like to come out the other side, keep doing the work! Best wishes to all you amazing people on your journeys! Thais, I say it all the time, but I can’t thank you enough. Congratulations on your success and continued growth. Coming across your videos was a huge blessing in my life. 🙏🏼

[@jaydineinvenice4718]

Thank you for this. It is very reassuring!

[@kittthompson]

I feel like Dorian Gray watching this stuff. To a new person, I look happy and attractive and like I’ve got my sh*t together but I’ve murdered my relationships unknowingly and figured it was a them problem, stuffing the rot in a cupboard. This is all such an awful revelation at the moment. I feel unloveable.

[@lecy1075]

Nobody’s unloveable

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Knowing you were FA gives me hope. And I appreciate that reminders of being gentle, the compassion you bring.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

This brought me to tears. It's true and I feel ashamed and sad about it. I've felt like I cant stop reacting. I've taken NVC and I fail with it in the heat of the moment. I forget to take a breath for pause and anchor to not get upset.

[@Cavedogpdx]

The more of your videos I see the more I figure out how to navigate my current relationship and can see how my journey has progressed and how I've grown. 30 years ago I was definitely type 2 FA. I've done a lot of work over the years and just assumed I was AA because of everything going on in my current relationship. A couple months ago I took the attachment style quiz got 32% secure 28% anxious 28% fearful 12% dismissive. Now my past relationships make a lot more sense! I either became anxious when I dated someone who was DA or FA, or I became a type 6 dismissive leaning FA when I dated someone more anxious than myself! I'm so grateful for everyone who's helped me with the progress I've made including this channel.

[@bridgeta.]

Depending on different factors, I am a mix of anxious leaning, controlled, and internal. I used to be volatile until I learned about attachment a few months ago and started doing some work on myself. I thought I was anxious/preoccupied, but then my therapist told me he thought I seemed avoidant with my family, so I read Attached by Amir Levine. Only a sentence about us FAs in there. :( I LOVE Thais's videos!!!!!

[@vadessacamack3103]

1. Volatile 2. Controlling 3. Internal FA inward anger and stress 4. FA leaning anxious. Think they are anxious pre occupied. Covert ways of pushing ppl away. Over giving. Open present. Struggle with boundaries. Intentions good. 5. Fearful Avoidant leaning dismissive. Can open up and share vulnerable things. Also has a difficult time expressing needs.

[@veglissa5756]

Wow. Im a volatile FA. But ever since joining PDS in June I'm feeling so much more balanced! I know it's a lifelong journey, but it's nice to continue to heal and show up for myself 💕

[@Catando]

Wooow, This is just describing me perfectly, so spot on omg! For more than 15 yrs I thoughts I was crazy, mean, bipolar, thought so badly of myself when I was doing both the activation and deactivation. Now it all starts to make sense and this attachment wounds explain everything about my relationship dynamics. Your channel has been a lifechanger for me!!! Thank you so much for putting yourself out there to help other on their healing journey 😍🙏🏼😭

[@CarterSams]

Hi Thais! I don’t comment here much but I am a long term viewer. Just wanted to let you know I just had such feelings of warmth for you come up into my chest and heart when you introduced yourself in this video. Thank you for the peace and healing that you bring me, and that you help me bring into my own life. Have a wonderful new year!

[@FoxoDile]

Just resonated so much with the control aspect! I found this video after feeling an intense need to escape and isolate after an intimate experience. I control my life to a T! Diet: Went from 384 lbs to 200 in 15 months from low carbs Emotions: Rarely expressing my feelings that may upset others Attention: An apartment deep clean schedule while meal prepping on my only day off from two jobs. Even my free time and creativity are structured. Video games and writing are on an "If I earned it" type of reward system. I plan to finish the video, but I felt I had to immediately comment my resonance with this finding!

[@JulesRules06]

Wow, I was never sure about my style after reading the book Attached. I felt like 75% anxious and 25% avoidant. The anxious-leaning fearful avoidant description you shared describes me to a T.. I'm blown away! I am going to keep learning more because I very much want to heal into a secure attachment style. Thank you for the great content, by far my favourite channel on attachment!

[@persephoneslounge]

My mom was an avoidant toward me, so that made me drawn to men just like her as a recovering anxious attached. She mentioned having abandonment issues.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

My mom has big time abandonment issues and I felt rejected by her. I felt rejected by my father at times, too. I suspect that my mother has a personality disorder and my father wasn't around a lot because he had to work all of the time to support us. My physical needs were met, but emotionally I was on my own. I was a very lonely, depressed child and I turned to food for comfort. I still do this, but I'm more self aware now. I realize when I'm binging on carbs because I really need a hug, or a back rub. I'm so tired of having to meet all of my own needs and anticipate and meet everyone else's needs too. It's exhausting, and I find that I'm only at peace when I'm alone, eventhough I crave connection and human touch more than anything at times. I wish I knew how to fix what's broken in me. I'm 56, nearly 57 years old and I want to experience a genuine connection with someone where there's more equal give and take, and reciprocal love and passion. It seems unlikely that this will ever happen for me. I know it's my responsibility to make changes but I don't know how. I've seen a few therapists, paid for information from dating coaches... abstained from dating and sex. Honestly, I'm at the end of my rope. I'm loosely involved with a DA right now and I feel like there's just too many obstacles to overcome. It feels burdensome because I've got to make all of the compromises and do all of the work. I think we need to talk. I just don't know how to approach him in a non threatening way. I have to choose my words carefully and constantly watch my tone of voice. It's exhausting. I do love him, though. I believe that he loves me too, deep down, as much as he's capable of. There's also a significant age gap between us. He's younger and we are at different places in life.

[@sunlightpictures8367]

This was really helpful. I didn't realize there were so many different types of fearful avoidant.

[@rain0344]

I did the test and my results were: 27% FA, 27% DA, 27% secure and 20% AA. Here, I identified with FA leaning Anxious and FA leaning dismissive. Very interested videos, I am understanding my behaviour a lot more.

[@shivani1244]

Your voice is so kind and warm and you were so welcoming

[@DD-ic1bd]

Thais, thank you so very much!!❤❤❤ I have now watched probably 10+ vids of yours on FA's... it's an emotional journey, but the good news... i realized on my own how my childhood affected me and was able to make changes to help cope.. however, your DEEP understanding and explaining has made me realize.. im not as healed as i thought, lol! Your vids are and will help the healing journey move forward! God Bless you, and to all those on this healing process!!❤❤

[@magnetoxavier6504]

Was waiting for this video

[@ArcticFirepixy]

Thank you that did make sence

[@MultiFinlayson]

This woman is so perspicacious and helpful, thank you.

[@maritxuhh]

My partner has somehow managed to be all 5 in a 3 month span. Explains so much, thank you for your great work!

[@onewiththeuniverse1283]

Thank you so much. You are the only one that makes me feel understood until now. I'm a volatile FA leaning both anxious and dismissive. My parents fought a lot, and they still do now. I had to watch my father beating and insulting my mother throughout my childhood. Everyone blamed me for not being able to make them stop fighting and live more happily, which made me feel guilty and not good enough. I was emotionally neglected, physically and verbally abusive by both of them, mostly by my father. He has personality disorder, is short tempered and needs to control everyone in the house to feel safe and respected. I think he has enmeshment trauma, and he passed it on our family. My parents think meeting their needs and making them happy is my duty. They have high expectations for me, and have plans for my entire life. I was raised to follow it. If I don't behave the way they expect me to, they get disappointed, complain, criticize and want me to take responsibility for their feelings. Messed up childhood made me terrified of all kinds of expectations, feel responsible for everyone's emotions, become super sensitive with every change in people and above all, very harsh with words and have only two types of expressions: poker face or extreme anger, just like my father at home. People think I'm annoying, weird, and everything that happens around me is my fault. I got married to a man with some traits like my father's but I didn't realize it. I clung to him a lot as I thought he's the rescuer of my life until I got hurt and recognized some DA patterns in him. I become more and more withdrawn, avoid human and closeness.

[@JohnLannholm]

I relate so much to all five of these. I think I cycle through them depending on the situation or depending on my season of life

[@lunarhorrors]

wow.... i was convinced i couldn’t be an FA because i didn’t think i was openly volatile or that i had experienced trauma, only for me to realize that yes i have and my FA tendencies have manifested in a majority of the types shown in this video!

[@hhholly]

Thank u for the free therapy !

[@sirensongoracles8949]

Thank you Thais for all of your work and your awesome videos! Very educational and helpful to me! You seem like a very warm, kind and lovely lady :)

[@Earth_Gypsy_Soul]

Wow...I can't believe how on point these videos are. These descriptions are completely me through and through.

[@Tryst2024]

Knowing that I'm a volatile FA is a very helpful thing. I'm also very grateful that I found your content Thai. I'm having this uncontrollable thoughts and feelings after I got married and be separated, because of work, from my husband. I am very desperate to heal as it is already affecting the relationship I have with the person I love the most. I always feel like I do not deserve the love he has been giving to me. But our struggle was doubled when he was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I still hope that we will overcome all of these.

[@iamyou6949]

Love you Thais, your the best! See you on the course.

[@ds37215]

Hmm. I had elements of several of these. I definitely fit the mold of the anxious-leaning FA you described. I'd sabotage relationships by covertly pushing people away who tried to get close, or (more rarely) cling to people (mainly avoidants) and chase them away. I was overgiving, enmeshed, struggled with boundaries, codependent. I could read a person's needs and thought that meant the person was a soulmate. I had elements of the control-oriented FA and internal-experiencing FA.

[@anothercat9600]

Ah, he is great and thanks to you I now understand that he is control- and internal type.

[@CostonFrijoles]

best video on the internet

[@MKSpeakz]

I'm a volatile FA and I'm in tears lol. It's hard to believe it's not my fault, but I know it's not and it's okay to realize I didn't deserve my upbringing at all.

[@JessentialLife]

I like how you said a "mind trip". :D :D that is creative and I never knew how to say "mind eff" in a professional non-vulgar way. Thx for that!

[@theflailingwillow5290]

I did think I was the anxious preoccupied at first but the more I dig and learn and I've take some tests it's all fearful avoidant and then you say fearful avoidant leading anxious and oooooohhhhhh.... yeah yup yup yup that's it, that's the one!

[@glauromano]

I have the exact same realization! When I did the test on Thais' site I saw how close my FA score was to AP! Like a 3% difference! That's been eye opening!

[@theflailingwillow5290]

Oh that's so close! My f.a was much higher than I thought but the other 2 were tied at 25% each so that explains why I was so confused but leaning towards the a.p when I'd watch videos 😆

[@shunkela]

Ooh, definitely a controlling FA, maybe some of the others. Would love more content on this!!

[@talyshahickerson7281]

Another great video!! Could you maybe include some bullet points on the video? It’d be helpful for those trying to listen/watch and take notes. ❤️

[@anjawilliams6168]

Very interesting! Is it possible to be a bit of two or three of them??

[@kaceoa]

I love being a mix of all 5 of these and having close to no recollection of my childhood. Good times I tell ya lol 😂

[@PennyJackson123]

Thank you for this Thais. I can now look back and see that I definitely used to be the volatile FA when my partner and I were in the power struggle stage, and as we became more stable and the trust started to grow, I am definitely a number 6 now.

[@yamieden4350]

Isn't AA anxious avoidant? Isn't that another word for FA?

[@RinaUnderConstruction]

lol. I'm all of these😭😭😭 A true FA

[@heliTg]

Felt that!

[@honeymoney23]

Me too 😭

[@OA2605]

same

[@lizp2512]

Same! I was like wait I’m 4 out of 6 🧐

[@vineethae4532]

Me tooooo

[@MaKaykay1]

Thais, I feel like i relate to all these types of fearful avoidant.. It's so frustrating still and i try to be mindful after taking a look around inside. I am able to understand that its not me its my trauma and after investigating more i realize where it comes from. I am working on changing my programming. I can emotionally walk myself at least halfway through my triggers and it seems that i have so much that triggers me.. I cant wait for the day it all just clicks in my mind. I listen to you daily... Like all day. I am my goal. A quote I like for me is " I am a rose. I water my own garden so that I may welcome others to my beautiful garden, to enjoy it with me."

[@kimberlyhovis5864]

Thank you so much for these videos! I have been learning so much about myself and my spouse.

[@priancavail6520]

It’s way too difficult to be in a relationship with any type of FA who is not working on their trauma, esp in the beginning stages of a dating relationship. Now I understand how to spot the signs and not even enter in. Most are treatment resistant! Thank you Thais for this great video!!😊🌺

[@smiths698]

Bit harsh to say most are treatment resistant, many people are just not aware they have an insecure attachment style so will not seek treatment if they don't realise they are the problem.

[@priancavail6520]

Unfortunately true Narcissism does not fall under an insecure attachment style, rather it falls under the “Dark Triad” of Cluster B Personality Disorders. Most under Cluster B are treatment resistant. They won’t go in for therapy or any help because they don’t think anything is wrong with them. They go from relationship to relationship this way. Pls check out Dr Ramani’s work on KZbin as well as Dr Todd Grande. They present the clinical DSM-V NPD vs people who don’t have the diagnosis but exhibit strong Narcissistic traits. Either way, most of these individuals will not get any treatment. Those of us who are not Narcissistic do need to understand what this is so we don’t get wrapped up in it again! The abuse and trauma of being with a Grandiose and/or Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist is awful and takes awhile time to heal from!! I choose not to be ignorant in my healing journey and I don’t believe what I said was too harsh at all, rather based on research I have done, my own therapy and my own personal experience. I think you have Attachment Styles confused with Narcissism. They are not the same. Once you have lived thru Narcissistic abuse and go into therapy, you realize the Narc doesn’t want any help, they don’t self reflect, don’t think anything is wrong with them. The blame and responsibility for the relationship was all on me!! Selina, I wish you well, to find healing and truth for yourself.🙏

[@smiths698]

@@priancavail6520 OK, you didn't mention Narcissistic behaviour in the beginning I thought this was just a conversation about the FA. Yes i agree totally that true Narcissists do not believe anything is wrong but that is a whole different conversation.

[@cavelleardiel]

Yes. A manipulative and moody parent is under the radar.

[@drphosferrous]

I'm learning that it doesn't take much. An otherwise kind and loving parent doing a little imperfect parenting at the wrong time can cause massive lifelong damage.

[@solaire4948]

Good videos to understand yourself better, and change some behaviour patterns that occur, and are counterproductive which can result in self-loathing or guilt. Bottling up feelings is never healthy. Therefore, learning to articulate your feelings assertively without worrying about the social stigma regarding men (usually men, depends on your cultural background but somehow it feels like its pervasive in most countries in the world) when it comes to expressing your emotions, especially love. "Crying is for weak, men dont cry etc..," This type of thinking can sabotage your future relationship with a person who genuinely values your feelings. So try not to feel like you're vulnerable or weak when you express love. Since I'm really self-conscious, I usually avert my eyes when I do this which comes off as insincere. And you really dont want that if you truly like/love someone! Sooo thank you so much for these videos it really helped me a lot. That being said, I'm going to keep watching your videos and try to assimilate all the information that you're providing us with. Enjoy your weekend! :)

[@beckym8245]

I identified strongly with 3, 4 and 5. Wanting connection, but scared to open up and express that because belief system/childhood experience says connection will be denied. Strong urge to rationalise everything is the need to make sense of feelings in the head rather than the heart so it's less painful - it's a deactivating strategy.

[@louiseyoung1231]

Can you have pieces of all of them. I relate to all of them depending on the situation.

[@Gunna5067]

Me too.

[@Eans_urban_jungle]

Video starts at 3:23

[@Msasha2727]

This is a very good video, very insightful. Seems like the common theme is ultimately learning what we need THEN getting through all the mess that comes with verbalizing it.

[@lolaperez6350]

A person I care about seems to have a mixed of all these types. He is an amazing guy; however, I have seen him showing characteristics of each one. ❤

[@nataliedragonfly8131]

It was like Thais was describing me...spot on! Thank you so much.

[@chzamom]

Wow! I've been all of these during periods of my life and sometimes all at once!

[@drphosferrous]

Wish I had this in text. There's some profoundly illuminating stuff in here.

[@Xxsimply.catgrassxX]

I'm REALLY loving this series, Thais! Do you plan on developing a set of quizzes in the PDS program to get a deeper differentiation of attachment styles (i.e. 4 DAs, 5 FAs and # of AAs)? Thank you so much for helping me understand myself and those I love. Reframing trauma and reparenting myself go hand-in-hand with parenting my daughter and establishing a solid foundation with my family and my boyfriend. Much love, many thanks.

[@Camillechristine]

I feel I’m definitely a mix between the volatile FA, internal FA and leaning anxious FA. Firstly the volatile because of the way she described the caregiver(s) of this type most likely having a personality disorder, which I am very familiar with from my childhood and adulthood as well. I relate to the internal FA because I do feel all sorts of emotional turbulence a lot of the time, yet I can’t quite justify showing that part of me to my partner, due to a subconscious fear of expressing my true emotions and setting boundaries. Lastly the leaning anxious FA because I do come across as co dependent and crave connection and closeness so very much, though I fear betrayal deep down.

[@kaukabnaeem7727]

Could you please talk about self self esteem issues of AFs and how to cope with them? Their ego gets in the way and they are very vulnerable and thus suffer from low self esteem sometimes. Would really appreciate your thoughts on that.

[@isolditaa]

That's interesting. I also want to see a video of this

[@evonne315]

Ok, I get it I think my mom is just FA and I am too and thats why I get her so much now and feel called to connect with her on these things. 💖💖

[@reneeclaude3345]

Thank you so much for these videos - you’re so well spoken. will absolutely see you in the school soon!

[@Borboleta1212]

I found this video really helpful Thaïs! I identify most with the internal FA and a little with the FA leaning dismissive. This was very insightful! Thank you 😊

[@musicalaviator]

My dad would anger bait me. Even to the point of getting angry if I didn't agree with him... then as soon as I did agree with him, mock me for being so gullible as to agree with him. As a result, I haven't expressed any anger since the 1990's... unless you call moving to a different state and living alone for 12 years "Expressing".

[@TatiTalks]

Been waiting for this. 🌻So interesting...wonder if the control aspect could present like adhd/perfectionism sometimes does. Feeling frozen in your life, freezing as a way to stay safe.

[@Toucanyou]

I like the new camera/mic setup. Looks a lot better.

[@sanamsitaram7940]

I feel like I'm a mix of 2, 3 and 5. Inward anger, unable to express, can get very anxiously attached, but also withdraw out of fear. I have CPTSD.

[@jaymarx8927]

same

[@91rnchantel]

I am a volatile FA but definitely lean more anxious but I also have traits of all the others too, but especially controlling. I think the reason I am like this is because my dad was severely AP (he turned to me to meet all his needs in every way imaginable but especially emotionally and psycho-sexually and he was an alcoholic and substance abuser too to deal with his traumas he self-medicated). And my mom was FA leaning avoidant (she was very hot/cold and would often withhold love as punishment with lots of emotional abuse and manipulation and was love avoidant to deal with her abusive upbringing). There was all kinds of abuse and traumas in my childhood, and narcissistic traits and severe enmeshment. What a mess. I know now, as an adult, that my parents and family did the best they could at times given their own trauma histories and I really feel for them. But it was painful and traumatic. It’s a lot to process. I also have diagnoses of C-PTSD, BPD, and dissociative issues (fragmented personality).

[@musicchick581]

I'm the 4th type you described. YES!

[@kittykat.88]

Think my ex is an internal FA. Don't ever see him get angry but I can tell his mind is going at a million miles an hour. He talks fast, doesn't allow silent breaks in convos and he is super fidgety and keeps pacing side to side. Also is very hot and cold and tells me he can't sleep at night and his heart beats really fast.

[@NaNa-re3wc]

I definitely relate to the volatile and anxious ones. I feel like all I want to do is give and receive intense amounts of unconditional love. Definitely have had issues with codependency. I was diagnosed with PTSD and BPD at 15. I have made so much progress, even enough to get my BPD into remission but romantic relationships are so tough. I have never had a healthy one, almost always attract dismissive avoidants.

[@Jenny4rmtheblock1218]

I believe I’m an FA leaning towards AA with some other characteristics from the video. Thanks for these videos. They are very helpful as I learn my attachment style, how I react to others and what steps I need to make to be secure.

[@YW-gm9gu]

Watched a couple of times to soak it all in. I think I'm a mix of internal FA and an even split between the different leanings. Depending on who I'm with, it brings out a different side of me. The thing with being an internal FA is despite receiving encouragement over the years to externalize the inward emotions, the emotions that are expressed have only changed in form but not in intensity. Not sure where I got this but have been telling myself this for years: I can hurt myself but not others.

[@husonj]

Think I got into all the categories, very turbulent times at the moment

[@jax_08]

I initially thought I was a AA before I took your quiz. FA and DA percentage was the same as secure. After this video, I can definitely relate to the FA, leaning DA strategies. Thank you for the knowledge!

[@julieroberts7355]

Thank you for these videos Thais. I’m so grateful for you.

[@smilinazzdoggy825]

You're right about not expressing anger

[@sunshinestar6076]

I love the hopes you are giving us...thank u Thais ❤️

[@grelicee628]

@ Personal Development School - Thais Gibson, can you please create individual videos for each of the different types of FA's, like how you recognize it and how you deal with it?

[@starlightbright]

I think I’m a mix of internal FA and FA leaning anxious. Externally I am very present and open, but when commitment grows I tend to pull away internally. So physically I am still present, but I am hiding my thoughts and feelings, and emotionally disconnecting from the relationship. Sometimes this happens slowly and subtly, and even I am not aware of it…

[@lmichellewright]

What are your thoughts on EMDR helping to heal attachment styles in addition to trauma?

[@isolditaa]

I had the same question last week! Really hoping for an answer

[@lmichellewright]

Iso oh good! If there’s enough of us asking maybe she’ll do a video on it.

[@drphosferrous]

An old avoidant friend is approaching secure and credits emdr. Says it's easier for aa types. I'm currently working very hard at it and emdr is a major component. Seeing some progress, feeling more myself, learning what I like and what I do. Plenty regret and heavy heartbreak too though. Seriously dating myself. I can see why most ppl would never try. It's unpleasant. Kudos to anyone else trying to change attachmentstyle.💖

[@lmichellewright]

drphosferrous thank you for sharing. I agree, it’s definitely hard work!