Relationship Update - Navigating Mental Health Challenges as Partners, Not Parents

[@HowtoADHD]

Thanks to Paired for sponsoring this video. ❤ Get 25% off on Paired premium! Start your 7-day free trial by clicking the link here: www.paired.com/howtoadhd25

[@DaleESkywalker]

Hello, Brains!

[@leovaldez9544]

I have been diagnosed recently and your contents helped me learn more about ADHD🙏 Thank you ❤

[@werbnaright5012]

Her? Baby's a girl?

[@DarkDragonSlayer]

Thanks for letting us see that you're actually pregnant, Jessica and that it's not a lie. Congrats again!

[@DaleESkywalker]

Why would she lie?@@DarkDragonSlayer

[@turntablez504]

Love the acknowledgement that helping isn't always the kindest thing to do. ❤ Unsolicited help can feel like being pressured to fix the problem faster than you're prepared to do. And then it ends up actually taking longer because you don't feel like you have permission to do it the way you can.

[@AnnInghamlife-goals]

Drama triangle. A bad game. But with trauma of previous relationships its what lots of us do

[@TheEDFLegacy]

When you put it that way, that can apply to friendships as well. Something I've been guilty of.

[@stephaniebarrows5428]

It also can contribute to the “poor disabled person” feels less capable and maybe internalizes a belief that they are the problem, not the condition itself.

[@chrisrioux]

Damn. Well said! Mind=blown.

[@kikumon90]

This is the explanation I never knew I needed!

[@anne-helenedlr1763]

The best thing I've said to my partner is "sometimes, helping me means letting me do the thing alone and letting me fail at it"

[@issy0613]

So satisfying when they do videos together. If they did a relationship podcast, I'd listen to every episode, literally obsessed with how they articulate so well.

[@HowtoADHD]

awwwww thank you so much!! glad you enjoy how we talk about it all :D

[@TheeDoctorB52]

I think we words good. Glad to hear you think we words good too!

[@powerpuff4ever]

I would also listen to every episode of a podcast of these two! As an AuDHD person in a romantic relationship with an autistic man who’s autism presents in a totally different way from mine, this video and their last about navigating neurodivergent partnerships has been so helpful for me because nearly everything resonates. My partner and I are generally so compatible - we complement each others lives immediately - but there are points of friction that cause both of us anxiety and I feel like so many of them have gotten addressed on this channel

[@Michael_H_Nielsen]

yesss!!!!

[@rebeccacharlton4597]

Agreed! Love them both individually, and as a couple. Their growth and candidness inspires me and my own neurodiverse relationship.

[@bellaluce7088]

27:34 I burst into tears at *“Being able to say that just cuz I do things differently doesn’t mean that I’m worthless.”* 😭My internalized ableism runs so deep! It helps to hear the harm it does talked about so honestly. ❤ Eff the up/down hierarchy of helping without consent---you two make solving problems with autonomy & partnership look good!😄Thanks for this! 👏

[@puppypoet]

Can you two stop being so cute? 😊 You guys are so adorable!

[@HowtoADHD]

Neeeeveeeer! :P

[@-i.cats-]

Let’s be real that are getting cuter by the day!! ❤️ can’t wait for you both to be parents💖💙

[@dwayneheeter]

​@@HowtoADHDnever stop listening, and communicating with each other. So heartwarming. I'm sure there are much tough moments, especially while being pregnant. It is inspiring to hear how you both worked through challenges❤

[@TheeDoctorB52]

Can't stop! Won't stop!

[@anabluu]

I loved this piece, so heartwarming but also raw and honest.

[@steggopotamus]

I'm also the million solutions girl, I now ask, "what have you tried" and "what do you feel like is missing"? It helps me make better suggestions. And at each successive point it's "how did that go? Did you try something else? And what do you feel is missing still?"

[@Lys_sei]

That's such a simple but brilliant question ("what have you tried?") ! I'll keep it in mind, thx =)

[@jasmint3207]

Or even: Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen?

[@jasmint3207]

My advice, talking about it together a collaborative way without me taking the lead, just listening/venting, cuddling, distraction...

[@oddluck4216]

Wasn't honestly expecting to be hit so hard by hearing someone else describe the nature of his trauma reactions as internalizing... or the pain a loved one might experience seeing someone THEY love hurt themselves... Damn...

[@melissabryant7410]

Problem-solving and figuring out puzzles is such a strength that we feel the need to solve all the problems in all the people we care about.

[@foxylovelace2679]

+

[@jmaraboli1394]

Ugh. It’s horrible lol. We’re just very caring people. We care too much. It’s silly! Comes off nosy but it’s not. Lol

[@Michael_H_Nielsen]

so true. It is also a way to bring value to the conversation, because I have very little feelings to bring :)

[@megaady36]

My wife has ADHD and I'm autistic - we have to be careful as it can be very easy for her, although well intentioned to infantilise me when trying to help.. We both have our own needs but do tend to stumble around when trying to help each other.

[@CardinalTreehouse]

Something that BOTH of you bring to the table is that you are capable of growth and are willing to do it, despite the challenges.

[@MachaMongRuad]

This- the willingness to put in the effort to grow, and change your behavior/thought patterns for the better. My husband just left me because he's not willing to do the work on himself, or support me in the work i need to do on myself. 💔💔💔

[@vlong7112]

I *just* listened to a webinar on over- and under-functioning in ADHD/neurodivergent relationships! 👀 And I think gender and how each gender is socialized plays into the dynamic too. We're obviously multifaceted creatures, but these experiences are so helpful to share. Thank you 🙏🏽😊

[@HowtoADHD]

Oh that sounds interesting!! Where did you find this webinar?

[@vlong7112]

I'm an LMFT so it was a CEU through PESI. But the speaker was Dr. Ari Tuckman. He mentioned the parent-child dynamic and how that impacts sexual relationships! Super helpful!

[@vlong7112]

It's called "ADHD, Relationships, and Sex: Strategies to Overcome the Over/Under-Functioner Dynamic"

[@mariabarnes9197]

​@vlong7112 I wish they'd make that info more accessible to the general public, & to mental health coaches.

[@HowtoADHD]

Ari is great, he donates a lot of his time to get this info out there publicly. Here's a video we did with him on ADHD, sex and relationships: kzbin.info/www/bejne/o2m0f4Wmg5mhj5o

[@Channelinterrupted]

Yea, when the kid is born, please remember ypur exhaution and new roles will kinda pull you back to old patterns of operation....your relationship will change....but if you guys are extra cognizant of all that, it will bring you two closer rather thwn apart. Just want to emphasize tbat so you two cab be prepared. Exhaustion is the devil 😂. You guys are so self aware, you guys got tbis!

[@stargirl7646]

THIS!! It’s one reason why I know I’m not ready (if I ever will be but that’s another issue) to be a parent. I’m still learning how to just navigate a single bad day lol, much less months and years of a tiny human constantly needing you lol!

[@ashleycampbell8621]

Yes, thank you for warning them! Babies are so exhausting and it’s difficult to communicate well and regulate your emotions when you’re severely sleep deprived!

[@blumoon187]

I have ADHD and work in a person-centric field and my husband is definitely some flavor of neurospicy. I feel EXTRAORDINARILY called out by everything in this video. STOP BEING SO RELATABLE YOU TWO!

[@laurelvisco476]

I love “neurospicy” so very much :)

[@BlueDauntless]

@@laurelvisco476same!!!😂

[@animefangrl0902]

I love how raw and open this discussion is. It shows how we with ADHD work on relationships in a healthy way

[@ShinbrigTV]

You can tell they CARE for each other deeply.

[@markmaurer6370]

My wife (T1 diabetic) and I (ADHD) met at 19, and we've been together 21 years now... My advice is to appreciate the ways in which you compliment each other, forgive the ways in which you rival each other, and everything else forget about. Of course, after twenty-one years, this baby's on auto pilot. But getting it there took a lot of work. Also, it helps now that money is not a struggle, which was only about 5 years ago.

[@lillipi3594]

I am T1D since early childhood and now in my late 30s I learn, that I also most probably have ADHD - and I wonder if I have to find someone simularly "broken"? 😢

[@SkunkWerks7]

I'm ADHD, my wife is Bipolar I. It's affirming seeing the two of you relate to one another. My wife and I have been together for over 20 years, and that concept of not-parenting was something we established early on. Her being disabled, and me being ostensibly the "functional" person already sets up a dynamic of dependence- and I wanted to make sure she has agency- especially in matters concerning her care. I'll help you if you stumble, carry you for a spell if you can't walk... but I can't drag you. My challenge, being a problem-solver is also sitting with my helplessness. Not always perfect at it, but we are wary of it in any case.

[@sanpelletina]

26:48 I resonated with feeling worthless and defaulting to others advice due to my self perception and reinforcement. Thank you for being so candid.

[@bobclarke2242]

CPTSD and ADHD keep life interesting. 🙂

[@jojo-wy7yq]

I feel the taking over of emotional work is grinded into women all over the world. It is when the man is matured he will reduce it in a loving way and both will grow.

[@ericahill9998]

This just made me realize how much more I appreciate my partner now. He is neurotypical, and I have ADHD. He is very understanding of me and is very patient and kind now that he is learning about ADHD. Thank you for your videos!

[@blaiseutube]

17 years of marriage and we have not been able to overcome the combination of her cptsd, my ADHD, and our son's autism. I recently moved out to help reduce the tension and resentment. I have completely assumed the responsibility of being in the wrong and we both see our son feeling like everything is his fault. So, the pattern repeats and the past is prologue. You two are off to the right start.

[@danielleegolf4290]

Yes, it's so hard not to enter helper mode! I struggle with this as a homeschool mom, I have to shut up and let my kids do stuff without jumping in to help. That silence in between asking what they know and hearing the answer is difficult!

[@tfkns_14]

As an auDHDer, when you include Dr. B my struggles feel extra seen and spoken to. There is no part of my ADHD needs which aren't punctuated by my Autistic needs (the Autistic of which for me personally present the bigger challenge) and vice versa, so having his perspective on this stuff really formulates a more complete acknowledgement and solution for me. I suppose the best way to put it is that watching you both is like watching and hearing both parts of me and not just the ADHD half! :)

[@BaileyWhite]

Raffael, as an AuDHD man myself, it means the world to me to hear struggles I can relate to so strongly. I’d love to hear from you more, If you feel so inclined, or to hear more from our AuDHD community in general. Thank you.

[@cathysmallwood]

21:05 “The house looks different when you live inside it” so true!!!❤

[@lanternsown3525]

Y'all sound like a lovely couple I'm sure you'll both make wonderful parents.

[@yodizzle]

Thank you for this. I have a friend that really needs mental help, but this is a reminder that I can't fix things for her and keep suggesting help when it isn't something she asked of me.

[@TheS4ndm4n]

A lot of what Raffael said resonated so much with me, that it pulled me out of hyperfocus (on something else entirely) and made me listen intently (which is no simple task). I am absolutely bringing some of that up in my therapy. It kinda brought up that gut-wrenching feeling of a therapy breakthrough. Thank you so much for being so honest about all of this.

[@karladolman9664]

Honestly, you both seem so much more relaxed a year on, both explaining your thoughts and feelings, but also with each other. If you keep going how you are you will make amazing parents and continue to be happy partners.

[@karlaps3994]

My favorite part of this video is when you guys both getting excited about feeling the baby girl kicking 😊 My baby just turned 6 months old, so I have recent experience with this special moment. Beautiful ❤

[@canuckkat]

I can't believe I'm first! Also, I love that Dr. B has brought specific communication into your relationship! It's something I keep trying to get other people to do (hidden requests are really hard for me cuz they're sooooo much mental gymnastics) but apparently being direct and clear is hard?

[@forgesoulfire1320]

This very point has been my bane for like nineteen to twenty six years now, I swear.... it just reinforces how difficult we as humans find direct statements and specified wording to be.

[@madalynnr9940]

Opposite perspective being direct can feel very uncomfortable to people who don't feel like they can take up space. Being direct often feels like you might come across as rude, demanding, and entitled. And it's incredibly difficult to overcome those feelings and to feel like you can take up that space and be direct especially since it would only be applicable to certain individual people on whether it would be considered helpful or rude so it's safer to choose not rude as opposed to helpful.

[@canuckkat]

@@madalynnr9940 You can be direct without being rude. If you read my whole comment, you would see I specifically mentioned hidden requests, which is what a lot of NT (and neurospicy) do when they think they're being polite but they actually want you to do something specific by framing it as a vague comment instead of just asking or saying specifically what they think you should do. That is not helpful communication. Did you feel like Jessica was rude at the beginning of the video?

[@mariabarnes9197]

Depends if you're from "ask" culture or "guess" culture. Askers can take no for an answer, & anticipate the answer to be 50-50 (50% answer might be yes, & 50% answer might be no). Guessers will only ask if they know the answer is yes. When requests are made of guessers by askers, they feel internal pressure to say yes, & are annoyed at the asker, whom they feel is putting them in an awkward position b/c they want / have to say no.

[@HowtoADHD]

Yeah, actually, being with him has improved my communication a lot! I didn't realize how many "hidden requests" I was making because I thought what I was asking for was clear. I didn't realize how much I relied on nonverbal communication, context clues, and social expectations rather than me actually saying it out loud, and how being clearer could help not only our relationship, but any relationship.

[@Izzi-n5t]

This is a fantastic video guys. Really meant a lot to me to watch someone else in their forties and autistic talk about how hard it is to recognise any value you bring to a,relationship. Your openness helps so many people to see that are not alone in their struggles

[@veronicasmemories]

Wow he does look a lot happier and a lot more comfortable (: I'm glad you two found each other

[@gcozmc]

Yes! You can see it with his increased and more natural eye contact... cool!

[@AStelliumSkyAstro]

ADHD person here and WHEW! It was extremely refreshing to see how skilled you both are in communication and how SELF AWARE you both are. I believe that both things are vital to the health and wellbeing of relationships and also for ourselves. Thanks for all of your hard work that you do for yourselves and others each and every day ❤

[@OrafuDa]

Thanks for talking about this! (Self-assessed AuDHD here + a few other things (- yeah, waiting times here are really long now: 6 years and rising! … and I am only 2 1/2 years in).) One request: could you please make a video about things that you think go well? We tend to focus on things that need improvement - which is good. But what about the things that go well? I think we need to recognize and acknowledge those. (You did a bit of that in this video, which is good.) For example, even though things are very imbalanced for my wife and me now, what I think goes well is that we can always come to each other to get some talking time, even if it is just a few minutes, and needs to be scheduled. And we always try to have some nice time for dinner. Which is an emotionally lovely space for us. - How does this work for you guys? From each side, and/or together?

[@shaunrussell4558]

You guys are WONDERFUL!!! So much love, so much giggles from both of you!! 😂🥰🤓I just love your dynamic! Your growth is evident in this video, the ways in which you share openly and honestly the ways in which your relationship is helping each of you grow within yourselves, in order to know how to show up for each other in better and better ways! 😅🎉your little baby girl is going to be SOo lucky to have you two!! ❤🥰🌈💞🍀🍀🍀💫

[@veebeelights]

Something I learned about in college in human services, is about how everyone has a child self, a parent self, and an adult self. The goal in relationships is to meet people adult to adult. And that's basically what you talked about with parentification, it makes a lot of sense. That's a good reminder for me

[@mariabarnes9197]

And, the ideal is the integration of these parts into a whole, so that the person is operating from an integrated self.

[@wyatt_taco4]

Very interesting video in which it reminded me a lot of my partner(wife) and I. We have been together going on 13 years, had our ups and downs, however continue to learn about our own mental health as well as each other. Great video and thank you both for sharing!

[@jayhopt]

This video is something I really needed to see. Your partner's described experiences in the relationship, with his own realized trauma, and his learning about his true self after his autism diagnosis late in life mirror mine to an extreme degree, especially since my wife is ADHD. I've sent her this video because I see so much of us in it.

[@NightPortal]

You two are adorable and I love seeing the growth from last year's video! As an AuDHDer in a relationship with an ADHDer, it's so validating and impactful to hear you both-I relate in ways to both sides, and you have the words I'm missing to express what's going on in my brain. These are the videos I click on the fastest!

[@LWilli5]

The two of you seem so much more comfortable in this video than the previous one 🥰. BTW, I too am AuDHD and I’d love to hear more from you both about that.

[@meganlampa3293]

Love this so much. Me and my husband have ADHD. He's in the process of diagnosis. This is so lovely and encouraging

[@findingaway5512]

Me and my hubby has been together for the better part of two decades. We are very opposite in so many ways.... But it is beautiful because we both fill areas that we struggle in.

[@molly.d]

i love these videos and can't wait for more! i have really struggled to find resources that talk about relationships in which BOTH partners are neurodivergent. my fiance and i both have adhd so things like mutual motivation, navigating each other's hyperfocus and fixations, and trying to have a productive disagreement when we both have trouble with emotional dysregulation and (particullarly me) rejection sensitivity are a real challenge for us. reading and watching stuff that says to "just be patient with your neruodivergent partner!" is 0% helpful. thank you both for being so open in such a public manner and sharing your experiences. it has truly helped me.

[@jmackey4751]

Without getting into my own baggage, thank you both for being so open and honest, you have given me hope...and a LOT to think about and process!

[@Clarinetboy82]

My wife and I both have ADHD (both diagnosed 30 years ago when so little was known). 20 years together and it is a struggle some times. There are times when we both just have to step back and give each other room to breath.

[@dizzycat1983]

I realize now that my ADHD was definitely a contributing factor in my past abusive relationships

[@penelopefp]

This hits home on so many levels showing vulnerability really is such a strength!

[@reannamckee43]

Raff seems a lot more comfortable this time, glad things seem to be going well and good luck with the baby

[@maywenearedhel]

Watching you two makes me so happy because your relationship reminds me so much of my relationship with my husband. We both have ADHD. And we have been together since 2012. I love my husband so much, and though we definitely have experienced growing pains, i cant imagine growing old with anyone else.

[@nunikoh]

Jessica, I watched this with my partner (He may have AUDHD and I surely have ADHD) and it made so much difference!! We kinda have similar problems as you as a couple do, and it helped us so much! Thanks for existing and talking about ADHD and neurodiversity

[@elainedavids4924]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for doing another relationship video! I have ADHD. My husband was late diagnosed HFA in 2022. Watching the two of you is so encouraging to me. I loved when Rafael said, "I got back into therapy. Have a freshly minted diagnosis of complex ptsd." We are in another transitioning season of our relationship. There's so much work for us. We also have 3 homeschooled teens and one 19-year-old with their own diagnoses (a mix of adhd and hfa). Your videos give me space for a life that looks nothing like my friends' or extended family's lives. ❤❤❤

[@sararobinson5632]

For years I have been trying to explain to my family who keep trying to "help" me that help isn't actually help unless it is meeting my need (with my consent). I think so many people "help" by doing things for you or to you in order to meet their need not to see you suffering.

[@AmarettoRawr]

I'm ADHD and officially BPD, but suspected Autism. My partner is some form of neurospicy but no formal dX (I see a lot of ADHD symptoms), and we're parenting an Autistic child. I'm also looking to be a LPCMH or Art Therapist. I would love to digest more content like this; it's so refreshing hearing about this kind of thing and it was an excellent watch. Definitely found a lot of it to be relateable and honestly, inspiring.

[@Raphaelfa]

Yes, I agree it’s amazing! Also, Mona Kay has a podcasr called Neurodiverse Love

[@Cath-ix5ee]

Thanks for the heads up on this video in the ADDitude webinar. Loved that and loving the book. Looking forward to your thoughts insights re having children (we have 10 week-old baby, 4 year old and 8 year old) Would also love to hear more about bring an effective leader with ADHD/ND?

[@HowtoADHD]

Welcome!! That's a great topic! I'll definitely make a note of it, thank you so much for the suggestion!!

[@Cath-ix5ee]

I love that you actually mean that after seeing videos about using a parking lot. I've found it very helpful to have a list of things to research on my phone when bored and I have a sleepy baby on my lap. Also understand if you want a break too.

[@HowtoADHD]

Thanks :) Yeah, I'll be taking maternity leave for a couple months, but my team will still be here posting videos, responding to comments, and capturing ideas for when I get back!

[@lauraw.7008]

24:13 it’s not a dodge; what an awesome acceptance of growth and love and acceptance of who you are and as a foundation for relationships.

[@kathykraut4491]

It's really useful to be honest with our own self in relationships. Understanding when our partners are in a situation of feeling frustrated and simply just need a hug instead of a solution is also something I've learnt to do in my relationships.

[@alisonbarlow7836]

I live in Washington State, that's so awesome you're a clinical psychologist in my state Raffael. And Jessica, thank you for your videos and your book. Congrats on being pregnant.

[@DorySewCraftySteph]

Your partnership is inspirational, your dedication & willingness to put in the hard work (worth it!) for a successful lifelong commitment, deep and ever growing love & selfless compassion is THE true recipe for relationship and parenting success. Parenthood will be the beautiful bonus for your happily ever afters. Wishing you ALL the best. Thank you for baring your souls, being brave in sharing the sometimes uncomfortable, so that we may learn and grow in our own neurodivergent lives. So grateful for you both. 💜🐠

[@cariiinen]

The excitement over the baby kicks was so sweet!

[@Hi_Im_Akward]

Relate to a lot of what he said. Also AuDHD with CPTSD, a significant portion from past relationships. And the whole not seeing yourself as equal but your partner as more so above you is so relatable. On the surface a lot of these things seem like no brainers, especially for people who see this from the outside. Buuuuut it's not and PTSD isn't something you can tackle wholly with rationality since it is inherently sourced from irrational events. It doesn't make sense and will never make sense. A big reason I fear being in a relationship is because I know that no matter how much I work on it on my own, I can never tackle it all because you basically need to practice and live through these re-triggering events in order to tackle the trauma. So any relationship I ever have again will be one big science experiment 😅

[@Jenn12141983]

Oof. I really relate to not feeling worthy or like I bring value to a relationship. I am in the early stages of divorce with my husband and I can’t ever see myself dating again because I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me. He couldn’t remember why he fell in love with me in the first place. I will definitely be working on learning to love myself before I even dream of being with anyone else.

[@Andre-qo5ek]

yup... i have washed my hands of some relationships because they didn't want the help i could provide... they are unhoused and potentially undiagnosed bipolar. (but i have no clue and it could be all sorts of complexity) .. but i can't take other peoples burdens that cant accept help.

[@TheEDFLegacy]

I'm only about halfway through, but a lot of this has resonated to me on a personal level in so many ways. I realize now that a lot of my overbearing behavior is me trying to help when it wasn't warranted, or when not necessary. There's a lot more, but I need to reflect on that to truly go on depth. Thank you both for sharing, and I'm happy to see you both so happy! I also hear Dr B when it comes to CPTSD. I strongly believe I have it, it's never been properly diagnosed, but I know it's there because something fundamentally changed after a particular friendship imploded, and has been impacted me with my other relationships ever since.

[@GentlemanGamer94]

I love these conversations you've had about your ADHD/AuDHD relationship experiences! They've been charming, heartwarming, informative and entertaining :) As someone with diagnosed Autism presently looking into the possibility ADHD diagnosis with my psychologist, it's given me a lot of great things to think about: my own relationship patterns; ways to better communicate with my fiancé in our own brain/heart relationship; my own slower processing speed with new information - often, when others are giving me well-intentioned advice- and not judging myself for that, etcetera. Could go on, but sufficed to say; these conversations you two have been having have been helpful, and I'm already looking forward to rewatching this one in future. Thanks you so much for doing these relationship videos, you two (and the rest of you on the How to ADHD team who have helped put said videos together!); they're helping me a lot :)

[@dwayneheeter]

You both are so sweet and refreshing 💕 Raffael's experiences are so relatable to me. At 59, after 3 failed relationships over 33 years, I was diagnosed with adhd and autism. I've worked through a lot of trauma external and internal. The Lord has been the key. So glad that you both are working through these issues ttogether. I love how you both are passionate and caring for each other. You communicate, come up with solutions, and take action. Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ 🙏

[@louisehorsfall9400]

This is immensely helpful because both parties in the dynamic are articulating so well. We don't always hear how our actions affect others.

[@douglaswarnold]

I had to comment on how great it is that you two found one another. I would definitely buy a book written by you two. This video changes how I view my past (and present) acquaintanceships, friendships, and relationships. Just wow. Namasté.

[@paulusthegrey]

Keep doing what you're doing. We're both autistic and have been together 32 years and have raised two wonderful boys, who are both autistic.

[@bluejay3917]

Just watched the video and took plenty of notes for myself and my fiance. Can't wait to work with him to build our relationship! Thanks for sharing, this means a lot :)

[@jennifermoss3707]

My husband of 17 years is newly diagnosed with ADHD (with a maybe on the autism) and I am having so many revelations about our past problems and why the neuro typical methods just didn't work for us. This video is so on point. Thanks.

[@mandycollins8795]

The three of you are SO FREAKING ADORABLE!!! I'm so excited!!! Thank you for these updates and relationship talks! I can sit here and listen to the two of you talk about relationship hurdles and advice regularly.

[@crystalmptacek]

I always ask my bf for his input on strategies I come up with for his ocd, because he's the one who has to live with it. An he really appreciates it and even tries things that are out of his comfort zone on his own. An he listens to my adhd emotions, especially when it comes to soothing. Because I will retreat inwards, but he makes time to listen and not disregard my emotions even though they can be extreme.

[@1notdeadfred]

19:40 I want to highlight this by explaining one of the relationship guidelines I have in place. When one of us is upset, the default for both us is to both comfort and try to solve the other person's problem in some way. Sometimes we don't want help, or more importantly, just need to get the baggage off of our chest. If we just need the other person to support and listen to us vent for a bit, we say so. It makes a big difference.

[@MullingInk]

Wow, this was very enlightening as an auDHD person with an auDHD spouse! It’s fascinating how many of these struggles are ones occurring in our relationship. I appreciate feeling less alone and getting to see people like me modeling healthy change and growth in relationships. I definitely have some things to bring to the personal and relationship therapists that this video has sparked!

[@tebohosefatsa8280]

ADHD is one COMPLICATED Beast...

[@nonnimuss4305]

i love that someone said that it was okay for someone else to say that they recognize that me putting in a new strategy... and that it can create a snag with someone else......

[@brindmusicnerd]

16:01 this section about “what does caring look like in this context” is so important!!

[@Ecclectic_citcelccE]

I love this! Basically keeping an open mind and consideration for your partner and communication. You'll need this in your partnership as parents and beyond. My husband and I will celebrate 36 years and it's been a learning experience the whole way and still is as we approach retirement.

[@feliciaschoenfeld5177]

Thanks for remembering me about social confidence. I do make adhd mistakes, but that I do also understand the situation I'm in, or I can ask. I'm kind and I have a peaceful attitude, that's what counts.

[@BiologyJAP]

Pregnancy break 😊❤ That was sweet and a bit of nostalgia for me. It's also a tiny bit of foreshadowing on how little kids are constantly distracting us 😅

[@stephaniepate4107]

I have ADHD and I'm horrible at parenting my partner. It's even harder because he is so tremendously incapable of caring for himself right now with ptsd.

[@echognomecal6742]

25:19 I simply am not able to smile wide enough. So wonderful to see a couple proactively working together & so happy about expanding their family. Cutest, sweetest, loveliest thing. Oh seriously? Now tearing up, really? Ugh.🥹They're like...hope for the future. Best of luck to them in this freaky world!

[@tyruswatson2115]

I want to say Keep up the good work. I got your book yesterday! Congrats on the book and the baby! Blessings!

[@Billyboicos]

This vid brings up so many good points! As someone who grew up with a caretaker complex, I'm practicing asking my loved ones if they want support and/or advice instead of just steamrolling them with advice

[@cathysmallwood]

17:28 how to be a partner instead of a therapist/ coach- oh how I struggle… keeping the power dynamics equal in the relationship. “Do you want my help?” Such a powerful question!!!

[@-i.cats-]

This was so helpful and informative I really appreciate your openness to say it like it is !! Bravo I hope to see more of the two of you ❤️❤️❤️

[@pokelover02]

Man, I’m AuDHD and relate to everything he said so much. Thank you both for sharing! ❤

[@willbyers_clizzy]

Thank you so much for these videos! It's very nice to see an example of neurodivergent love and your analysis of your own relationship brings a lot to the table!

[@elisabethgronlund6842]

This video was really helpful. I and both my teen and adult kids have ADHD and autism. And my eldest also have depressions and anxiety, which has and an impact on myself and my youngest. And it’s difficult to get help and support because no one really knows how to help besides medication. But, this video brought some clarity to me about what parts are the hardest and what questions to ask when trying to get help (as opposed to trying to fix everything by myself).

[@thelifedyslexic]

Wow, this help explain so much about certain behaviours last year with a work colleague. Trauma can have unforseen consequences in friendships, they can be difficult to explain and diffcult to ask for help with.

[@kateweatherwax2417]

So grateful for your transparency! ❤ I’ve totally done that with my husband about parenting when he didn’t get on board and I have a son diagnosed with NVLD and I became his everything for a while. It became a very enmeshed relationship that was really difficult to stop as he got older and it was less relevant for me to do as much for him. So glad you’re recognizing these complications before your sweet baby arrives!

[@mands_ca]

You are so lovely together! Wish all happiness for you and your baby! I've been diagnosed with TDAH around 6 months ago, and my partner it's in the middle of the tests to confirm if he's autistic. The struggles you have with Jessica's parenting and trying to embrace the whole world it's so much like me. I'm trying hard not to do it, but we're passing through a very hard time and sometimes I literally have to carry him so he can survive and we can survive as a couple as well. Anyway, what I have to say is thank you, Jessica. Finding out your channel was a turning point in my life, and I'm finally learning how to deal with myself and understand my struggles. Thank you!

[@Firstfalconfree]

Interesting video, thank you for sharing! My husband was diagnosed ADHD as a child, and he’s actually the one who suggested that my daughter with my ex-husband might have ADHD (she does), and that led me down the journey of realizing that my own ADHD is why I’ve always struggled with certain things. It definitely keeps things interesting, and sometimes makes things harder, because we have similar stuff we struggle with (so we can’t just say, hey, neurotypical partner, can you take over paying bills?” It does give us more understanding for each other and the ways we struggle though. The other day, I turned on the hose to fill our dairy cow’s waterer, and got distracted by some other chore. After dinner, we went out to milk the cow and goats, and discovered that the *entire* barn had an inch or two of standing water throughout. 😬 Instead of getting mad or snippy, we took turns milking and sweeping the water out of the barn. It made the chore take 3-4x as long, and the kids had a late bedtime that night, but there was no condemnation for my memory lapse.

[@Tina.bina.]

Seeing you two in a loving healthy and ever growing relationship brings me so much joy ❤ Your last video was so helpful for me and my spouse in our neurodivergent relationship. It's encouraging to see you two acknowledge where each of you struggles and the steps you're taking to continue to be better for yourselves and each other. Life and relationships are in a constant state of growth to stay healthy. That can feel daunting to think about, but it feels less so when we can look back and see all the growth we've made so far.

[@EllenRCox]

I *so* connect with assuming that you're always in the wrong/you're the problem in any given situation.

[@SuperUberDae]

You two are so absolutely precious!! I'm literally tearing up. This is very reminiscent of my husband and I, although it's a slightly different dynamic. I am AudHD and he is autistic, but I absolutely identify with many of the things that Kevin said. Feeling like I'm not an equal, feeling like I am garbage and just lucky that anyone would be with me. I'm in therapy, but he is not. After this video I wonder if he would benefit from going as well, but I don't know if I can bring that up without being pushy about it. I would love for him to go as well, but I always feel like I'm the one that is "the problem" and therefore need the therapy much more. It's painful and complicated, but I'm glad for videos like these that make me think about things differently.

[@happywings15]

I’m a lot slower at tasks than some others and slower than I’d like to be rn so it’s nice to know there are others that are similar, that see a calling in perfecting things if you can’t just rush and yet get it right