Revisiting the topic of my gender years after

[@SATURN-ow]

I feel very similar! The more masculine I look the less I care about gender which I think is the closest I will ever feel to a cis person who’s never questioned their gender. My gender expression is definitely tied to my identity, the more secure I am in the masculinity of my appearance the more comfortable I am with dressing and behaving the way I really want to. Painting my nails is a big thing I like but I avoid because I feel like it would hinder my passing which is very important for me and dealing with dysphoria

[@ThatRuralQueer]

I literally just picked up some nail polish for the first time in a decade (haven’t worn it out yet so that’ll be an interesting first), and wouldn’t have even considered it before being able to grow a beard. Which is definitely a social safety thing for me. I’m all for expressing ourselves however we want whenever we want, and also social perception is very real.

[@selladore4911]

"My gender expression is definitely tied to my identity, the more secure I am in the masculinity of my appearance the more comfortable I am with dressing and behaving the way I really want to" i see this in a lot of people and this is what makes me sad that im not actually trans.. i feel like theres some inherent limiting factor for me in looking masculine, being passed androgynous, and having my dream style

[@corvoerin551]

Hi Kovu, I used to watch your videos 5-6 years ago, I didn’t realise it then but you definitely helped me realise I was trans, just passed 100 days on HRT recently and just wanted to say thank you

[@domg.1011]

Congrats!

[@Jake-dy3vv]

Same but I’m pre-t. It’s crazy how much time has gone by!

[@AnnoyingAllie3]

I'm very glad you were able to, even if you're a stranger.

[@jacejacobs4044]

Omg! I remember watching your videos when I was a kid and first questioning my identity, way before I transitioned. It’s so cool to see you now, it’s like returning to an old friend!

[@weakgait]

honestly i feel the same i just went on hrt for 2 weeks and stopped forever

[@domss157]

I kinda feel the same! The more masculine looking I am, the more confident I am also (since HRT/ top surgery, I don’t worry so much, as you said, about my gender and « passing »). But I don’t like the idea of being associated with hypermasculine and straight/cis men, it makes me uncomfortable. So thank you for this video, but also for all the others you did in the past. Your maturity, deep reflections and open mind always has helped me during my teenage years and even now that I’m 19. I realized a lot while listening to you, and by being able to relate to your experiences, to feel validated, well... I can say that I feel way better than I used to. You helped me and so many other people to grow, as if we all matured together. I think we would have been great friends if we met in real life🤪So nice to see you again!

[@ThatRuralQueer]

TOTALLY relate to the confidence and comfort from appearing masc, but not feeling comfortable being associated with hyper-masculine cishet guys.

[@SATURN-ow]

Also adding that top surgery has really helped me see clearly through how I want to be perceived. I used to kind of make up for my chest by being overly masculine and sometimes toxic in that regard. Now that I have a flat chest I’m much more comfortable with how my body looks and how it gets perceived (which is pretty obvious) and it turn it really help clear out my gender of the clouds of insecurity and dysphoria that were really meddling with my perception of my own gender

[@ginandromeda1618]

Can I just say that you look like a really handsome dude, I'm kinda impressed you used they/them I thought you would go by he/his because you look so masculine but that's ok, appearance doesn't equal pronouns and all that. That's all discussed in this video so idk why I mentioned lol. Glad you're happy on your journey, wish you the best

[@Johnny_T779]

Aaah, the perks of being an older guy! Most cis dudes over 50 have moobs, even the slim ones, so nobody bats an eye at mine. I'm just... average, at last! 😁

[@doopclann3428]

You will never be a man

[@billiekaine7268]

woahh kovu!! i used to watch you when i was 11 or 12 and now with growing up as well I GET HOW YOU FEEL! For me it feels like: i know how i want my body and (that is masculine and with top surgery) but i know that the more comfortable i am in my body (as in when it feels like my own) the more chill, free and not really caring about gender i will be. maybe i am nonbinary or maybe i am experiencing the way a cis-person views themselves because they don't usually think about gender too much i guess. i don't know what it feels like to be a 'man'. i just know how it feels to be me. so it's hard to tell. also just want to give my appreciation because when i was young you were a very important role model to me + your videos were very entertaining. much love.

[@CJAX]

honestly, everything u say resonates. i definitely felt and still feel this kind of pressure to present quite masculine as a trans man, maybe to kind of prove myself? probably because i'm too scared to be misgendered, but i also hide parts of myself where it's like i want to dress more femininely, or have my hair longer, but feel as though i can't, and that it would make me invalid as a trans man. also everything u were saying about that part of u that isn't quite binary i really relate to too. i always say that i'm not non-binary, but i'm not binary lol. which of course doesn't make sense, but because i use he him pronouns and feel most comfortable being seen as a man and as male, i don't feel the need to identify as nonbinary as i can just express that part of myself in other ways. great to hear from u honestly, always nice to watch ur vids :)))))

[@alexhornsey8129]

Love you kovu :3 You were always mature, but you're mental journey seems to be going on a similar path to mine, and you've been really helpful in my relationship with my masculinity!

[@whohasthekeys]

kovu!! i’m 19 and grew up watching you. i just came across this video randomly while trying to figure out my gender, and i’m so glad i did! i have been presenting as a girl for my whole life and just realized maybe that’s not who i am. i couldn’t pin down exactly what i’ve been feeling. i’ve thought about the fact that if i were born a male, i don’t think i would mind and would probably identify as nonbinary. but i don’t feel good about just being nonbinary as i am. i feel similarly, the way you describe just feeling like a “little guy” haha. being feminine isn’t great while identifying as a girl, but i also can’t see myself being a super masculine man person. thank you for posting this, i think it helped me; i hope this helped you know that there are people out there who feel similarly.

[@dogwaterz0]

Dude haven’t come back to this channel in forever, you’ve grown so much :,)

[@zemiq1982]

I watched a lot of your videos when I was learning about being Nonbinary. And there are a lot of words and gender assumptions I was uncomfortable with when I was unsure. Nowadays, knowing I'm nonbinary and understanding the spectrum of gender and gender expression, I feel more comfortable being myself. I pretty much always was -- I couldn't fake being a "lady" or being feminine or filling any of the female roles or tropes of society, so I was me, but I was uncomfortable sometimes while I did. Now that I know, and that I understand myself better, I still don't have any changes to make (not my name or my pronouns or anything), but it made an internal change in me. It helped me feel happier being myself and living in this body. Glad you're doing well!

[@oscarwilde3670]

I just watched your old 100 Ways To Come Out As Gay video for nostalgia purposes and I saw this was your most recent video so I watched it and it's so cool, it feels like you've grown a lot since I last watched a video by you and I've also grown a lot, I'm 18 now and I was like 12 when I first watched a video by you!! You look so old now it's awesome. :)

[@myownnovember]

i feel sooo similar!! the balance between masculine and feminine is so important to me too. i started watching you in 2017 when I was 13, and now im 18 and a week on testosterone. ive felt a lot of insecurity about by transition bc i feel so similarly to you but i had no idea if anyone else felt the same way, so this is such a relief to hear. i love seeing what you’re up to on instagram, hope youre well!!

[@leoalexander4880]

i definitely see where you're coming from and feel similarly. there are times when i need to present more masculinely/femininely to help w my dysphoria, which is something i suppressed for a very long time since i was taught that being masculine was the most important thing from many people online, like you said. i've realized i prefer he/they pronouns as i've gone through my transition more and realizing that as long as i feel authentic then its alright to let people perceive me. i just graduated high school and i was at a point before coming to college where i also felt like i wasn't thinking about my gender every day, but now that i'm in college and meeting new people it's definitely something i think about more often unfortunately since I'm interacting with so many new people

[@skyesmitham9783]

I’m in quite a similar situation right now. I’ve been out as a binary trans man since a little after I turned 13. I’m now 17 and have been out almost exactly (a little more than) 4 years. About 9-10 months ago I changed my pronouns from he/him to he/it. My relationship with masculinity in the beginning was the way you described yours. Very much confined to a box of what I saw online. I remember watching your videos late into the night, the only trans man I saw in the entire world that wore makeup and cross-dressed in skits. I thought to myself that I’d be like that if I ever passed as well as you (mind you, you were still pre-t in the videos I’m talking about). I think it’s taken me stepping away from the online spaces that create that echo chamber of such a ridged form of masculinity for me to be able to explore myself. I love dresses and makeup and yesterday I put on a wig and saw myself with long hair for the first time in almost half a decade. I’m not ready to identify as genderqueer or non-binary and I’m not sure I ever will be. Anything but he/it pronouns makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I still think I’m a binary man, but I don’t think that I’m binary at the same time. I feel that the label of queer man or genderqueer man would be much more fitting. Just as you said, the more feminine I present, the more I feel comfortable being called a man exclusively and visa versa. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a good while now and your video was exactly what I needed right now. It’s nice to know that someone else shares a very similar experience to mine and I’d love to talk about it more in depth if you’d be open to that. Thank you for sharing your journey throughout all theses years. No matter what the future holds, your videos have been a wonderful part of my teen years and I look up to the wonderful, brilliant, honest person you’ve become. Not to say that I idolize you or have an understanding of you beyond what you present to the public, but your content has been helpful. Thank you, Kovu. -Skye

[@ThatRuralQueer]

I totally relate to this, and appreciate you putting words to it! I’m 27 now but started figuring out gender things on the internet about the same time as you, and definitely know the era and vibe you’re talking about. I also watched Ty, Alex, & Jake, and Skylar Kergil & Aydian Dowling as well, and remember that time generally being very much about binary masculinity. When I first came out in 2013 or so I remember really wanting everyone around me to see me just like any cis guy. Now after having a beard for years I also don’t love being just lumped in and seen as just like the “average guy”. For maybe 2 years now I’ve been using he & they pronouns, and I think similar to you “they” is more political/philosophical. Like I feel perfectly comfortable with he, and I also think society’s view of gender is a bit of a sham. I also picked up some nail polish this week for the first time in a decade (inspired by a blog post by Scout Rose from TransguySupply) to help balance out how I line up in the world visually. So essentially, I really relate and appreciate your perspective

[@jules255]

This feels so nostalgic! I used to watch your videos all the time in my early teens when I struggled with my gender identity. Gender used to be so important to me when I was younger and now I rarely think about it. As you said, things have changed so much online! I didn't have the sources back then to understand that there were lots of ways to be non-binary so I often found familiarity and comfort within the binary-trans community. I definitely learned a lot about my "masculine side" (for the lack of a better term) watching your videos. Now, I am more comfortable with femininity as well and I no longer care about labels very much. Your videos meant so much to me growing up. Thank you Kovu! Lots of love.

[@tahnaelwood1505]

Can I just say, thank u so much for your videos. They have been very helpful to me as an aunt, friend and Ally for trans and to all LGBTQ+ of course. I think you are brave to speak out for those trying to figure things out. Have a great day!!💙

[@huhhuh1220]

Woah, I haven't watch any of your videos in years man! You definitely helped me discover I was trans, like you have with most people here it seems. Thinking back on me being like 12 and watching your "100 ways to come out as gay" video, and then going on to watch your trans-centered videos and wondering why I related to those topics so much, I feel sorry for small me for not realizing the obvious until later. I remember following along with your voice pitch shifting videos and being disappointed with how I couldn't match it correctly. In freshmen year, I finally came out as trans, and was met with so much backlash from friends and family, even my partner at the time who was a straight cis guy. It's tons better now, and I have a bigender partner who I love unconditionally, and some of my family has come around to accepting me. I'm 17 now, nearly 18. I have plans to get my name legally changed in my birth month. I'll be starting my senior year next year, and thinking about how far I've come, I'm glad I had content creators like yourself, Ty Turner, and Jamie Dodger to make me realize who I was, and accept myself. I used to be so ashamed of myself for these feelings. But I've grown to love my trans-ness. I love that I'm queer, and I love that I no longer have to hide it from myself, and from others. Thank you, Kovu. You we're a big inspiration for me, and I wish you the absolutely best in your future endeavors

[@k1arus4]

i just saw your video from 2016 and omg u look really different in a really good way goshhh

[@Djapchan]

Yes, I definitely feel similar. I came (officially) out 2 years ago now (known it since I was a child though) and am currently waiting on top surgery. But I am also turning 40 this year, and I think for me age has to do with this feeling as well. I don't identify as non-binary, but I do understand the wish to 'balance this out'. If I had transitioned earlier in my life I think I may have felt different about this today, but I have lived my life so long being perceived as female, some aspects of it are just as much part of me as being trans and feeling like a man is. If I feel very manly, I will use nail polish and feel good with it (love the nail job btw) if I have a lot of dysphoria or feel like I'll never pass I would never touch nail polish. But if I feel at home in my body, people are respecting my pronouns, and my dysphoria is far far away on a vacation or something? I couldn't care less about gender or gender expression. And yes, for me these two are definitely linked as well - even though I see why they don't have to be for others. I'm curious how else I will change and feel the further I go in my transition. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us!

[@redaureolin1324]

i remember watching your videos forever ago, and you really helped me just know im trans. i remember watching, im also 21 now lmao, but i havent started hrt yet cause well. i got such a loving partner, it helps so much, i came out to everyone and. was not accepted. so. im stuck until a while for getting hrt but. i feel. like i know myself. for sure. and i do have days too where with my partner i can be a bit more fem or just be myself in this body and know like. i'm a man. and it doesnt matter. it really helps having someone who loves you for you, no matter what that is. but. trust me. you helped me out in finding myself a lot. i wish you and your family the best- take care kovu

[@seastorm14]

The way you said “boyfriend” at the start was really sweet. I dont know if it was intentional, but you just sounded happy to be saying it, if ya know what I mean

[@olicooper2797]

bruv i literally watched your videos like 5 years ago when i was 12, having seriously no clue that id find out im queer. and its just funny to think how my life has changed since.

[@naymurphy5217]

Hey Kovu, used to watch your videos a few years back when I was first figuring stuff out :). I am totally with you on this, as a trans guy. A lot of my dysphoria is around how people see masculine on a feminine body, when how I feel is feminine on a masculine body. I am leading up to starting T soon and my biggest fear is becoming a hairy, super-masculine looking guy, when I feel like my femininity is a huge part of me that I really don't want to lose. But i also know that when I go on T I'll feel a lot more comfortable in my feminity, which is a big reason why I want to go on T. Cuz i'll be able to wear crop tops, maybe even dresses, and the world will still see me for me, which is a guy. Hope that makes sense and you can relate :). I'm also still working on accepting that this is a valid trans experience cuz of youtubers I watched having one certain kind of being trans. So this really resonates with me.

[@funeralgroom]

man, i’m your age and ive watched you grow up alongside me and so many others. thank you for showing your growth and expressing topics complex that we deal with.

[@diemitri6855]

This video was so pleasant to watch. It feels like this community had truly grown up together. It's really nice to see you again kovu!!

[@scream_mcr_hocuspocus]

i randomly remembered ur 100 ways to come out video which i used to watch a lot and came back to your channel. u look so cool im so jealous of how u look

[@Mars-ee5tp]

wow i haven't seen a video from you in like 5 years... gives me mega nostalgia :)

[@skylondergan5507]

Dude the video is right side up! Lol love you man, hope you’re doing good

[@p0tat0s0up]

hey kovu, i really really relate to most of what you’re saying in this video. i’ve been struggling a bit lately in terms of gender (known i’m trans for 2 and a bit years though) and it was honestly very comforting to see that you feel similarly. i feel kind of stuck right now and seeing you where you’re at speaking about this in hindsight is great. hope you’re doing well :)

[@BrownieBatterKing]

Been awhile since i last watched your vids, i dig the new you

[@nickc.1810]

What you discuss about how there's a balance of femininity and masculinity that needs to be sort of 'fulfilled' is an experience I share! I think a lot of it, for me, can be attributed to being raised 'as a girl' and so naturally taking on feminine traits and preferences (though I'm not sure about gendering something as abstract and subjective as traits). There are immutable feminine aspects to my personality and I don't think that's wrong as a trans man. I think it just means I will also have this experience of having these gender quotas that I seek to fill and balance. I think masculinity dominates that, but it's nice to see someone farther along a transition with an acceptance of femininity. I feel sorry for some of the people who get their ankles caught in the rigidity of the gender binary and believe they can't be trans because they have traits associated with birth sex or occasionally enjoy presenting like their birth sex. I'm not sure if this great wall of text makes sense, but I just wanted to thank you for this video. Sorting out and exploring gender is very tricky (especially with some deeply ingrained philosophies I could do without), and hearing something like this from someone farther along really reassures me. Thanks!

[@mino9822]

I totally get it honestly. That "pretty as a boy", i feel that.

[@shalacarter6658]

Doffen!!!!!!!! You get your own special "Hello, I love you and miss you! "

[@tragiciansmagician4186]

I remember watching your videos on my old account for years. Although I'm not transgender I had problems with how I looked as a chubby boy while my friends looked so much better. Seeing you manage yourself over these years and change its been so inspiring for me to work towards changing how i look and now about 5 to 6 years later I look much better and feel much better. Thank you Kovu, and Congrats on your journey!

[@gav2971]

your voice is so soothing, also more podcast please kind sir 🤲 (if you feel like it)

[@adris432]

Hi, Kovu! It's lovely to see you. Yeah, I can relate in a way. I'm trans, have known for more than a decade but haven't transitioned (yet?) for various reasons. And I know that if I did pass as a guy, I would be a lot more flamboyant than I am now, and much more comfortable with feminine expression, exactly for the reasons / balance you describe. Also, I think you meant Benton Sorensen. His channel is called "West Coast Elements" now, there's still some of his old videos but it's predominantly centred around hiking/nature now. I've also always really enjoyed his videos. Anyway, have a lovely summer! :)

[@pmbluemoon]

It's nice to see you again Kovu! Love your hair, and love the video! I am one of those people who identify as genderfluid, and sometimes I like to dress up. One time I tried on a suit and looked like an awkward choir buy at 40 years old lol, it's fun to experiment and see where we truly like to be 😊

[@melodii160]

I really appreciate that you shared your thoughts on that. Overall it felt like a safespace talk as i would sitting right in front of you, discussing the idea of gender and gender expression and stuff like that. And even thought i am not a transman i could relate to a lot of things you´ve said. Of course not in the exact same way as you or other transmen do. I grew up watching a lot of transmacs the same way i was watching you since i was like 13 or 14. I now identify myself as nonbinary. At the time i was watching people like kalvin garrah and others i was scared of expressing my "nonbinary" side. But i also struggled with not being myself. i was switching between feminity and presenting as a female with she/her pronouns and a more masculine presentation, still going by she/her. i always had the feeling i have to decide between masculinity and feminity and everytime i tried to decide i was feeling like i´m missing something. Today i am comfortabel enough in my feminity and masculinity and i go by they/them pronouns. I do not care about gender as much anymore as i did back then. I am me and i am comfortable in my genderspektrum expression thing i have. I dont know if anything i wrote makes sense but ye i felt good watching this rn. :)

[@kamikkaze5164]

I'm starting to coming out to my friends and relatives as nonbinary. I have more "feminine" mannerisms and I love it. I tried to hide them, but I love being kind of flamboyant and dressing more androgynous/masc. Your videos really helped me and following you on insta is so good, you are a really good person to look out for

[@duckboy736]

there was a LoT of toxic masculinity in the ftm community eapecially when u were kickin over here on youtube. we all been spending these years trying to unpack that and find our own way on our own journeys. glad to hear from you and that you're doing well after everything.

[@ecowo57]

I think when people say expression an gender are separate thing is just to say that if a man wears a dress, for example, doesn't mean he isn't a man. If he identifies that way, he is a man, the same way a masculine one would. But it's completely valid to feel that your gender and expression are linked. I'm still figuring out my gender, but I'm set on genderfluid, and the days when I feel my gender is more on the femenine side, I don't as much about people thinking I'm a woman and I dress as what you would consider more femenine, whereas when I feel more masculine, I try to look more like a guy

[@josephnevison6]

SOOOO HAPPY TO SEE YOU BACK !!!!

[@bucket.of.b0nes]

I am going through a period of my life when I feel kind of trapped. I came out as trans (more like, outed by one of my friends to literally everyone in my school) so I felt like I had to be a guy, because my name is a masculine one. I know that I am non binary, and sometimes I feel comfortable being feminine. But not a lot of people get that, only my friend understands who is also non binary. Right now im trying to get out of my comfort zone despite everyone in my life looking at me like I am insane. If you read this far thank you for listening and have a good day :))

[@Villain-006]

I LOVE YOU’RE HAIRRRR!!! 😍😍😍

[@pyper1060]

hi kovu! I just remembered that I used to love your videos years and years ago, hope you're well :)

[@brody1216]

I really appreciate you sharing these thoughts! I'm 22 now, and also grew up with the 2014-2015 trans guy KZbin era. I think a lot of it has to do with maturity and where people were in their transitions. Like so so many of my friends felt the need to be VERY masc at the start of transition and then slowly leaned to expressing more femininity as they were on T and having top surgery and things. For me, I definitely feel similarly about masculinity. I'm a queer trans man, and as I get closer to being "typically masculine" (hairy, stronger etc) the more I'm thinking about using they/them pronouns. For me, it's more about not erasing my transness and about not conforming to what cis people view as manhood. So if I were to physically conform to manhood, I would want to defy norms in other ways (pronouns, clothes, makeup, etc). Your feelings are definitely not obscure!!

[@samu2560]

I’m a bit late to this but awesome to hear from you again!! And I feel very similar though sort of in the other direction. I was AFAB and I feel mostly comfortable being regarded as a woman when I’m presenting more masculine. At those times being seen as a butch woman feels authentic to who I am. I don’t strictly present as masculine tho and when I present more feminine I start feeling uncomfortable when people refer to me as a woman, at those times I’d rather people use they/them and gender neutral language in general. It’s like there’s a scale of masculinity and femininity I need to balance. If I put a lot of my visual expression on one side I need to balance it out with language on the other side.

[@nicos3951]

its so cool to see you again as i was watching your videos before i transitioned and now i‘m over two years on t and a year post op🤯

[@muscadinevine]

so well articulated and so relatable. thanks for making this!

[@brody1216]

Now that all my trans friends and I are comfy 20-somethings, I think we have definitely entered the stage of "gender is fun teehee!!" (I feel like as a newly out trans person, or as someone who is very dysphoric, so much of *transness* is built on thinking and feeling and experimenting. For myself, a lot of how I viewed my gender was deeply engrained in my every action and interaction. But now, that I've been on T for a while and look how I want to look, the thought of gender is very fun!! It almost feels like a little game or accessory. I still take my transness very seriously, but now that there's less *suffering* I love just existing and being myself and finding new words and ways to play around with gender. After all, I came all this way to leave the box I was placed in, what fun would it be to try and force myself into another box??)

[@cobalt.studios]

Very interesting. I love these videos where it’s just you saying your thoughts tho. Very relaxing to listen to

[@juniperfox1064]

I ID as genderfluid at this point, but i came out as a teans guy around the same time as you, and I relate to a lot of this stuff about the online culture. I have cone to see gender as cery contextual for me, it is a balance, which feels similar to what you described even though I do have a strong sense of not being a man any more than I am a woman.

[@finn8693]

i feel kind of similar, think i really needed to hear what you had to say in this video. recently i’ve been torn figuring out my identity, i’m afab but can’t figure out if i identity as non binary or a binary trans guy- part of this is that i think if i looked more masculine with hrt and a beard id be very comfortable wearing makeup and wearing a skirt but rn i’m pre everything and cannot wear a skirt or makeup because it makes me feel super uncomfortable. but if i was always seen as a guy then i’d be super comfortable with it.

[@ardenwinchester3433]

I feel something very similar, I've started to think sometimes that I'm "transitioning so I can be feminine", basically I do have a feminine side that I still don't feel I can express because I feel like people around me would jump on the occasion to emphasize how good it is that I'm being feminine, and how I should do that all the time, like the fact that I put on a "girls' shirt" marks some long awaited change or gives them some hope for my salvation. For example, I recently told my mom I wanted to trim my leg hair, because it was too messy (I am 17 and not out to my family, but I look and act masculine enough that they have used masculine pronouns for me without realizing). She immediately jumped from trimming to shaving, and then to a monologue about the "signals" I send other people by not shaving my legs. Long story short, I do not want to trim my leg hair anymore. But there is still a feminine side that I don't feel I'm free to express, when I think of myself in the future I either picture myself as physically masculine and wearing androgynous or feminine clothes, or more "softly" masculine/androgynous and wearing typically masculine clothes, like there's a balance to be kept and the only rule is that I don't want to be read as female. I also think that if I had been AMAB, I would define myself as nonbinary right now, or at least presenting as more androgynous or feminine. Anyways, sorry for the rant, but this video really resonated with me in a way most trans-related videos don't, because it's exactly what I'm figuring out about myself right now, I remember relating to your videos a lot when I was younger and it's incredible that even now I can find my life experience described in this channel when so much has changed since then

[@b3rntk4r3]

I feel some of the same things. I am pre everything, and I usually refer to myself as a (trans) guy or a demiboy if I'm in queer spaces. A big step towards being my authentic self was literally to stop caring about labels. I started to express myself as me, the person I feel comfortable being (which sometimes tend to be no one, being pre t sucks). This can include dressing typically masc, but add a little fem thing to ✨spice✨ it up. This boosts my confidence so much! It can be as simple as nail polish or "feminine" jewellery, but yet I find it so important for me and my identity. Also, thanks for making me more comfortable with my queer identity, Kovu ❤

[@ox_why]

Hey man not sure if you're going to see this but I just wanted to say you are the very first out queer person I'd ever seen in my life. I believe it was about 5 years ago I found your channel like maybe two weeks I believe it was after you uploaded the 100 ways to come out. And sitting here as the pan romantic genderqueer person I am today I'm just really really thankful. Finding out that I wasn't crazy and other people experienced this helped me so much when I was younger. Growing up in rural Kansas USA was not easy. I have no idea where I would be today KZbin had not randomly recommended me that one *funny* video Also the fact it's been 5 years is absolutely insane to me(I was 14 back then it makes no sense to me)

[@evan50748]

Hello, hope you’re well. 🌼 I personally think how I view gender expression links to my social dysphoria cus I would like to dress how ever I want but I get dysphoric knowing how people are perceiving me especially when I dress more feminine. And on the flip side I feel kinda guilty when I pass as male for wearing stereotypically masculine clothing, because I feel like I’m playing into the fact that a lot of people can’t distinguish gender from clothing and I feel bad cus I feel happy for that when I pass. For example I went to a wedding wearing a suit and aside from the people who new me well, most people there addressed me as a man because I was in a suit (I’m pre T so I doubt it was because my physical features look masculine, I look like a too tall 12 yr old boy at best) I really liked you’re explanation of this topic, I relate to the idea that I’m not entirely binary however most people I’m out to just know me as male, which is what I want but I also feel more comfortable with non binary pronouns the further away I am from being seen as female. Not entirely related but it was the video where u dressed in an 18th century dress, which got me to accept that it’s ok to wear feminine clothing as a trans man and I don’t have to dress super masculine for my identity to be valid. So thanks 😊

[@averysadeer]

It feels good to hear another trans person talk about this. (Long vent ahead lol) I’m trans non binary (afab) for a while now I’ve been pretty masculine presenting, when it comes to hair and clothes and stuff, strangers pretty consistently gender me as male; and it really helps with my dysphoria, but I still don’t feel 100% comfortable or, in a way, authentic? I feel like by trying to present in this way, I’m also setting the expectation that I feel like a dude, and I’ll act like dude, when in actuality, I don’t act very masculine at all and if anything I feel more agender. But, I haven’t physically transitioned in any way yet, and I know if dress in more feminine ways, I’ll be gendered almost exclusively as a girl. And I can’t shake the feeling that, there wouldn’t be any difference between me and a girl. If I have a female body, a pre-t voice, an un-masculine dementor, somewhat fem clothes, and I get read as a girl, then what really, makes me any different from a girl? What gives me the right to ask to be referred to correctly, when often they don’t even do that when I do look like a boy? I can’t live like that, it just makes me feel completely miserable. So I’ve kinda shoe horned myself into only presenting in a certain way, to make up for my body. Even though I’d like to experiment more. Everyday I imagine what it would be like if I was born a male, or at least on T. If I had a masculine body I would present more feminine; but right now I feel almost ruled by my dysphoria.

[@bongslime]

exactlyyy oh my you get it

[@antonerikssoncronzell2434]

Omg I relate to that too!! Like, i feel like a man 100% but i still like doing some feminine things. Im pre-t, but i love to have a beard and such (makeup). But when i do that, I Love doing my eyes a little, with eyeliner and mascara and such. But still have the beard makeup😅 I identify as a transman, but are like some days more feminine, and some days more masculine. I feel like, as you said, have more a balance to it. And i was lost, cause as you say, most are very masculine. So i was afraid of not being "trans enough" but now i know that it doesnt matter, just that i feel good with who i am, but i still get lost and such. Btw, your previous videos really helped me a lot and made me actually understand myself more and finally, came out (ive just been out for 8 months). Im so happy that you acknowledge this side as well, i think many can relate to it as well❤️

[@antoine9935]

Hey Kovu, I'm non-binary (they/them pronouns) but I went through a period of thinking I was a trans guy though I realized that I didn't feel like a guy 100% and that had I been a cis guy I still wouldn't have felt 100% like a man. Like you, I had moments when I suppressed my femininity and forced myself to be more manly/masculine but I found I was burying a part of myself. I wanted strangers to perceive me as a guy and it was more important to me to be perceived as such when I would wear more "feminine" things but I was never comfortable being exclusively called he/him. I think it's very brave of you to discuss your current views on gender from where you are now and I wish you the best for the future! 💕

[@PriorCone]

Omg Kovu I'm so sorry for what happened in Oslo, I hope you're doing well mentally and physically, I was just there about a month ago, and I know it's not much but I'm going to be prouder and wear more rainbows today in the face of what happened On a less sad note, me and my friends resonate with what you said strongly, I particulary feel uncomfortable being perceived all the time as a guy, but really just feel great when I can be that kind of "soft" as you said but again not liking the whole 'man male guy bro' but also of course not being a woman

[@acc45460]

I'm pretty sure I relate to everything you said about gender expression and how it ties into gender identity. If I had a deeper voice / if I were on T and/or had top surgery, I would feel more comfortable with she/her pronouns than I do now. (They're alright, I'm fine with any pronouns, but with the way I look now I prefer he, they, or it.) I want to share that halfway through this video I got up and started to paint the trans flag on an old pair of jeans and I just got so happy. I don't know if my gender can be accurately labeled and that's alright with me, but I'll just take a guess here and say that I'm probably not cis. That feeling of euphoria right now was way too strong, in the best possible way.

[@axiraphale]

Hi :D I used to watch your Instagram lives a few years back, and I remember it in a really positive light because you were so kind and interactive with everyone. I am glad to be able to witness a part of your transition :)) You've come so, so far !

[@Spiiderbytezgaming]

You’re videos help me realize who I was. I might have taken some inspiration from you for my name lol but it just feels right now

[@felix5287]

I feel this way. I'm a nonbinary trans dude. When I was pretending to be a woman (pre t) I was horrible at it. Not feminine at all lol. Now I am nonbinary and I'm on T for about a year and I am not striving to be masculine other than binding my chest and sometimes wishing my voice were deeper. But I love playing with my hair and nails. I do like to go to the barber but I don't like basic dude cuts, I think pampering yourself should not be gendered but i do feel feminine letting them take care of me, getting every hair on my head in great detail, I even let them trim my brows. Looking forward to a shave one day (no beard club lmao). I love to color my hair too. I am not comfortable in dresses but I would like to get to the point where I feel okay wearing a skirt or something. I feel wary about presenting femme and having people use she her. I use they them pretty much exclusively but I am okay with he him.i feel like a feminine man although I'm not really super feminine and also I'm not really masculine at all. I am also 5'2". And omg I literally have the exact same nail job as you right now. I spent the whole video trying to figure out if you did exactly what I did and then you explained it and I was like omfg. Great minds,, obviously. But yea I really relate to a lot of what you've said here. Good to see you doing well. You helped me a lot when I was considering hrt and also appreciate you noting that you would allow yourself to detransition gracefully if you needed to. I really think we need to destigmatize coming off HRT for any reason and recognize that not everyone needs or wants to use it for life. Nothing can take away someone's transness other than someone stating that they are not trans. Stay well friend.

[@asteraceae]

I’ve been looking for your channel recently, you really helped me realize I was trans when I was younger and I hope you’re having a good day:)

[@sazu4238]

Hi! So lovely to see you :D

[@dustycatt]

I'm nonbinary and I also feel like expression is linked to gender for me. I think when people say it's separate, they just mean generally, that there are no rules, and I create my own rules for myself. I really like the phrase "navigating gender." For me it means balancing femininity and masculinity in myself. Like, if I was on t i'd probably be more comfortable wearing makup (not sure that I want it though). And, for example, now that I had top surgery, I feel like I'd be able to wear pink lacy tops or something. Maybe even a dress?? I feel like a whole new part of expression possibilities are opened for me! And what's also important is that all the decisions of how to express myself come from me and not anyone else! All in all, I relate to what you say a lot, I think. Sometimes I think, if I was assigned male at birth, would I just be a binary feminine man? And then I think, well, am I a man now, then?! That's still something I think about sometimes, but these thoughts make me kinda anxious. And also I remember a huge wave of euphoria that I had when I allowed myself to think that I'm nonbinary, and these doubts sort of go away :)

[@ThatRuralQueer]

Totally relate to what you’re talking about with navigating gender. For me, growing a beard felt like it opened a new world of ways I can safely and comfortably express myself that I never could before.

[@alexrose20]

I feel so seen by what you said! It's great to find this little community that relates to gender in a similar way!

[@aj_the_alto]

Hi! I remember the videos you made that were skits (I really liked watching the 100 ways to come out one haha). I definitely feel the wanting to crossdress to express something that isn't being expressed. When I thought I was a girl, I didn't really care about how I looked, I didn't want any cool hairstyles or clothes that I liked the style of because I think some part of me knew it wouldn't make me happy if I dressed in feminine clothes and had feminine hair as a girl. So I didn't really care about wearing dresses, except for one costume I had for a musical once. But now that I identify as nonbinary (and maybe also demiboy or genderfluid?? I'm still figuring it out) and my hair is in a masculine hairstyle and I have a binder and I feel more authentic, I've been longing to wear the feminine things that twirl and have bright colors. I want to wear dresses with floofy skirts sometimes. And I've been conflicted about this a bit, because I feel like it's hard to get it to look androgynous enough on me that I wouldn't be read as a girl. Also, feminine everyday clothes don't make me feel good, but if it's something special in some way, like a big dress or something that looks bold and confident, then part of me wants to wear it. I think that I've been feeling like I can't wear those things because even though I'm nonbinary, I may have also internalized the "you're only valid as transmasc if you're masculine!!" thing, which is obviously not true. That and the fact that I would feel like I would need to balance it out somehow to feel comfortable, like you were saying about the wanting to use they/them pronouns if you had a beard. So yeah, I'd want to wear certain feminine things, but I would need to find a way to do that that still allows me to feel comfortable and authentic. So yeah, wanted to express that I do relate, you're definitely not the only one whose expression and identity are connected somehow (I think what people should be saying about that is that expression and identity are different things, but they can be linked for people, and they can influence each other in various ways for various people because nothing in society exists in a vacuum. People often forget to validate people for whom they are linked). Also, I just want to say that your videos helped me when I was first starting to question. You were a big part of my introduction into the online trans community, and even though I very much did not think I was valid then because yay society and I didn't watch your videos through the lens of letting myself relate to them, I remember them helping me somehow.

[@elix9232]

Never heard anyone explain it like this but I feel the same way! Representation is really so Important I waited very long to transition bc I only saw these masculine trans men and I knew that would also make me uncomfortable, now I´m just an androdgynous alternative guy. Thank you for sharing!! :)

[@noa6700]

Last year, i was out as a trans guy for about half a year. During that time, i also started changing my appearance. And i loved being out. I loved everything about it. But when I cut my hair really short, i looked just like a cis boy. Well I liked it. It would give me a lot of gender euphoria. But the next moment I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. The exact same feeling that i had back when I had really long hair. I loved passing, but i hated being seen as a cis boy. And even after months, something about my new name didn't feel quite right. In the end i realized that my goal was never to become super masculine. I looked at trans guys who were quite early in their transition, and felt gender envy. But after they were on T for a while, I didn't want to be like them anymore. What I liked was the androgyny, not the masculinity. I started labeling myself as Nonbinary. But honestly, do Labels matter? I have a friend who is cis. And I'm convinced that my gender is the same as hers. How does that work? I don't know. But it doesn't matter anyways

[@stevenmullis5037]

Kovu, my heart jumped as soon as I saw that you had uploaded a video. I miss your videos. I have always seen you as a guy but my opinion is irrelevant. It is how you feel that is important. You seem to be much more at ease with yourself and that has made me happy today. Please keep us occasionally updated because you are very important to many of us. Remember, eat drink and look after yourself.........

[@Pseudopup]

I remember starting T like.. a few days after you so it was rlly fun to compare our changes in similar timing !

[@Pseudopup]

also lol we have the same facial piercings

[@des-astre]

Bare in mind that these are my thoughts on what you said but I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings at all, and I hope I don't anger anyone. To make this short, I could resume my thoughts by : being a very masculine man isn't you and there's a part of you that's still feel like and impostor being a man/uncomfortable in the societal role of a man. That doesn't mean you are non-binary. It's very clear that you desire some feminity, but purely aesthetically, and even though I kind of understand your link between clothes and gender (this is why many trans men avoid wearing dresses : because those clothes enhances a feminine shape and are socially perceived as being feminine), clothes are clothes. To me, everything you described fits this idea : • Like many trans men, you feel/felt the need at some point to reject all forms of feminity because of dysphoria • plus like you said, the majority of trans men representation when you were younger was of typically-looking, gender conforming guys and you didn't purely relate to it and it brought you two things that I feel you went back and forth on -> you suppress that feminity to be a real man but you feel illegitimated -> you embrace that feminity but needs to be reassured that you are a man. • You have carried this illegitimacy since your early teens, it can be seen when you talk about struggling with being with a gay man, with that beard and "they/them masculinity" (that's a bit of a different path but I feel like it stems from that struggle with masculinity too (don't take it badly but it kind of looks like you'd be using words to protect your from the struggle with being masculine ? Arh, my words aren't the best), with your lack of confidence. You are pretty self aware, you mentioned feeling like you can't feel that you fully live up to the idea of bring a man.’ • So, when you feel that you can't fully live up to the typical perception of being a man, you bring it back to your gender. I can even seen that bias (if I can call it like that) when you talk, you describe masculine men as "super binary" and not as masculine men as "not as binary". Well ok, I understand that what you mean is that they fit the stereotypical male image, but we could argue that that way of describing this goes deeper than that for you. I'll just say it just in case : wearing typically feminine clothes or having tastes described as feminine by society doesn't make you less binary. • You are a pretty feminine man, you aren't comfortable with being too masculine because that's just you. Not all cis men are comfortable with having a big beard or anything of that sort, because that isn't them. Not all cis men are masculine, that doesn't make them less men. • From what I know from your dysphoria and your history on the topic gender, it doesn't seem that what you are experiencing is non-binarity. You aren't searching for androgyny, you are still the most comfortable being a man. You said it, most of the time you don't think about your gender, and that's the most cis experience of gender. • That topic is very important to me, because non-binarity is often confused for various things, and it hurts me that people act or think that being non-binary is about changing pronouns or being GNC. That idea of "if I was a *cis man* I would be *non-binary* " is curious, and I know that I don't know enough about your feelings, still it is interesting but also kind of disturbing (?) at the same time for me and my relationship to gender since people like me are constantly being misunderstood and erased, let's put it that way. I can't seem to explain myself properly in this section. Being GNC is okay of course, and being nb too, but we need to think deeper than gender. I feel like I didn't explain well, especially the last part but I was kinda listening while writing and trying not to forget what I wanted to say so sorry, I can explain better if asked. I'm not saying I'm right, or that I know better than you.

[@Meeko4eve39]

Hey Kovu! Nice to see your face :) My relationship with my own gender is a tad bit complicated but essentially I identify as cis for what it's worth for the same reason you don't feel like declaring yourself nonbinary - I don't think it is necessary for me to live authentically as me. And in general everything you've talked about in the video made sense to me, at least. Also I've been following Mx.Morphling for a couple of years now so that's exciting news :) Hope you're having a great summer!

[@mythologic7342]

Yooo it's been years since I watched you, you look amazing!!

[@alexj9608]

It's been years since i last watched ur vids good to see u looking good u made me love n have such a huge interest in norway

[@damnronin]

Hiking guy is my first and relatable - Benton)

[@beeeeeee42333]

dope hair shade :)

[@roxettew5827]

Omg I was watching your videos like hmmm 6 years ago maybe. Today you came into my mind somehow, I was like "there was a boy with some disney name and cool content" (🙈🙈) and yeah, i found you are you are still active on yt. Its crazy, you are so grown up and handsome!!! haha you are glowing, i wish you all the best, it was nice to meet you again here. I hope everything is going well in your life, oh and i wish you all the best with your biyfriend. ❤️❤️❤️

[@felix5287]

Damn u a grown man now. Lookin good bro

[@namegoesfirstthenlastname1785]

I started transition right before turning 15. It was a long process, I was on testosterone for almost three years and had a mastectomy. Quarantine made me realize I was wrong and I detransitioned at 18. I see my body with love, nothing wrong with it, it's a physical reality, I'm a woman. Gender is an expression only, based on stereotypes.

[@nattokki]

I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME??? I thought I was the only one omg 😭😭❤️❤️

[@outofemory]

I relate to so much of this!!! I'm a trans girl and I found your channel years before I started transitioning and I'm finding that now that I look much more feminine, I don't feel as much of a need to define my gender solidly and in fact I have less interest in trying to do that over time. It's so freeing and comfortable since transitioning that I can be read as feminine but have a nonsense gender internally and have my girlfriends call me their boyfriend etc. because gender can be so fun to play with

[@HannahMitchell-Art]

Very cool vid, thanks for the thoughts and updates. It’s nice to see you pop up every now and then :)

[@TheWolfbolt]

Hey kovu, I watched your videos ages ago when I was still in school thought I was a trans man and was struggling with it but watching your videos helped so much just the personal journey you've gone on has helped me understand myself a bit more. Im nonbinary I've recently came out to my parents and they have been trying so hard to use the right pronouns and name!!! early days :) hope you are doing well

[@peacepirateoncr628]

I JUST watched your binder making video from 7 years ago! I’m so happy you look so good! You definitely look happier, AND NO AUTOTUNE! I’m very proud of you

[@tobiasjakob2583]

The KZbinr you're talking about at 10:45 is probably Benton Sorensen(?) - a little unclear on the last name - he did a lot of hiking videos for some years after he stopped doing ftm content

[@Kovukingsrod]

Yes! That’s him! Thank you!

[@jacobaeden]

i feel the same, in a way, nonbinary is more for me and even introducing myself, i will say I'm binary even though I'm not

[@wokeupnew]

This gives me a lot to think about! I haven't heard about this a lot which I love. Thank you.

[@domg.1011]

Love this! Before I started my transition I was ok with he/him pronouns & never ok with she/her but as I have become more like myself & now that I am transitioning I am enjoying a mix of he/him & she/her! I have always thought *I need to only dress "masc" because my body is female* but *once I transition I want to dress "feminine" because my body has become more male* at the same time! I am nonbinary & gender expression is a way for me to achieve Gender. I balance Gender Expression & Sex to be perfectly in the middle to hit my Gender. 100% female sex needs 100% masculine expression for me. Once I am 50% male & 50% female I want 50% feminine & 50% masculine. I'm reiterating the same stuff, I don't need to say it again. Anyways have a nice day all'y'all!

[@dummydumdum5764]

cool to know that im not alone in that way of seeing gender kovu my dearest blogger you helped me and a lot of ppl to realise what they are what i am damn if i didnt see you on that yt video those years ago i mean i wouldn't realise that im trans and a wouldn't be so chill about so thank you hon for being you

[@betw33nthebars]

yeah, i totally feel this way

[@Arcane_Corpse]

This video just made me give a huge sigh of relief. I'm a bit older than you. I'm 22 and I remember seeing all these trans guys on KZbin and trying to be like them to be taken seriously. It definitely has changed now. You see so many more people doing whatever the fuck they want with their expression and its actually great. It's made me feel a ton better about my expression and that I'm still a guy if I wear nail polish, for example. It doesn't magically make me a woman lol.

[@luvdrikayt5186]

Hey Kovu, I don't think you'll see this but, I've missed you. I remember the first time we met back on Love Nikki, or whatever that game was called lol. I haven't seen you in two/three years. You're doing great and keep up everything! And thank you. :) Btw, you're dog is adorable -Cream from L.Nikki

[@jeremielowen2041]

Same exact feeling. Expression is very connected to gender. I feel unconfortable being fem or seen as nonbinary if I dont pass. But I am nonbinary. I am also sorta a guy too.

[@pyro2809]

i mean kinda same but different i prefer masculine clothing mainly cause i was never aloud to wear it but me being 2 years out i feel as if im more comfortable with being androgynous and not strictly masculine and i prefer he and they pronouns, i still am not comfortable wearing feminine clothing just cause it doesnt feel right? i guess, its not me and more androgynous or masculine stuff is me. to my family im completely out as male and use he/him but really id feel better with he/they but im fine with either as long as im not read as female or people using she/her and i feel like the longer ive been out the less im really caring what other people think of me as, as long as theyre not outright being horrible or anytthing im just stopping caring what other ppeople thing of me cause i know im a guy, maybe not fully or i guess 100% but it doesnt matter what other people think just how i feel about myself

[@connorwright1420]

This is now a relatively late comment, but I think the hiking youtuber you were talking about was Benton Sorenson? I know I used to watch him back then, and his channel morphed into a hiking channel with his friend? I went back and searched for him a month or so ago when I randomly remembered him and there are a few of his trans videos still up but definitely not the amount that there was I think!