Unpacking Queer Loneliness

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thank you for watching this, y’all, I think it’s the most personal video I’ve ever made. And happy pride! 🌈 My new album "how to lose someone fast" is out now. You can find it on Bandcamp and streaming services: avelosongs.bandcamp.com/album/how-to-lose-someone-fast open.spotify.com/intl-de/album/4qaG36UdM6yvL2cK9DrtrH?si=zFjT1bvgRqKoM7Z2Fi9jCQ

[@AngelTorres-hx1dw]

So grateful for all that you do and share 🌈💖

[@queerulantin6431]

❤

[@melissaloyd1058]

Happy Pride🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈❤❤️🧡💛💚💙💜!!!

[@June_lt3]

😊

[@Rene0611]

Hi hast du einen Tipp,wie man so gut englisch lernen kann,wie du es sprichst?

[@Mushroomelixir]

Every new Avelo video is me realizing that my "problems" aren't just some little deep scary unexplainable secrets I need to hide but just apart of myself and my queer journey.

[@averyeml]

I’m asexual and I have, like, this conflicting vibe where I am SO OKAY AND VERY HAPPY on my own. Like, I talk to people at work but other than that I am usually alone, especially now that I live in China with the rest of my family back home in the US. But then sometimes there’s this gnawing feeling of missing something and being lonely, or having the existential dread of “okay but who are you gonna be around when you’re old, who will be there to help you” and the feeling like I’m wasting time. Even though, again, I am actively happy on my own and feel uncomfortable when I go for anything other than friendship. I tune it out and logic it away (being married and having kids is not a guarantee you will have people around when you’re old, etc) but it still creeps around the corner at times or sits across the table from me when I’m alone in public.

[@deathguitarist12]

I feel you there. I'm trans and aroace. It's so lonely. No family really, no partners . And friends are all bound up in their own partners and kids and families.

[@eufrozinak9461]

i'm aroace too. i always lose my best friends when they get into relationships. being friends with me is always just and undesireable temporary thing for people between relationships. i've met some people who say they practice relationship anarchy and romantic relationships dont matter to them more than platonic ones, but the reality is often different. i try to be there for them for after their relationships end but very often i feel invisible and my patience is wearing thin. this has happened to me countless times with countless people. i love being around people but right now even activism and community organizing burns me out.

[@pricklypear300]

I used to think I was an asexual (don't worry, I don't try to force my experience on other people

[@disappointedinmyself8375]

Felt that

[@wen6519]

Me too

[@EmmaHopman]

"getting fucked up was a way for me to escape; get out of my body. But as I went deeper I realized I wasn't escaping, I was drowning." This is exactly my experience last year when I was out and living with my abusive family. I started becoming mentally dependent on drinking myself away. Drinking was like an island I could crawl onto in an ocean of suffering. I didn't realize that the only way out was to stop swimming to islands and set my eyes for the horizon. Looking forward with hope and tenacity was my only escape.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thank you for sharing that, I am so sorry you went through something similar, it is horrible. But it sounds like you are in a better place now and I am glad to hear that, wishing you all the best

[@EmmaHopman]

@@DreamsoundsVideo I am in a better place now!

[@Lil1kv]

Im an older transmasc teen, and i hope this doesn't come off as odd, but these videos feel like a warm blanket being laid on me; showing that life as a queer person will be difficult and have hardships, yet it can also be so beautiful and worth living. Thank you

[@hanaryukoku]

The tear drops staining Christopher’s letter are so telling of queer desire and really hit me. It always seems wrapped in a sadness, even when it is requited and passionate.

[@madisons2117]

I went on a date with a refined gentleman who was a few decades my senior. He took me to a state park that was amazing. It had miles of trails, in a virgin forest, with museums made of classically accurate log homes. We spent most of the day wandering around and chatting. we followed that up with a drive around his favourite lake and a hole in the wall restaurant that neither of us knew of beforehand. It changed my entire life. To me, that day couldn't have been better. I have never had someone show me so thoroughly that they cared about all the monologues I fall into. He listened to me. He didn't just go along, he wasn't trying to win the dating game. He listened, and then he made my perfect day. I hope that I returned that feeling for him, but I dont know that anyone could ever match his compassion. To say that he taught me how to love would be an understament. I won't ever have the words to say how much that day means to me.

[@beck.42]

Thank you for sharing this story I loved hearing about this piece of your life. Take care!

[@madisons2117]

@beck.42 Hey, thank you for taking the time to share a good sentiment. That's really cool of you and means a lot to me.

[@thechrysanthemum]

"a few decades my senior" as if we could say few to decades lol

[@madisons2117]

@@thechrysanthemum Okay?

[@KekeeBlack]

My husband is my same age but we spent our first years together doing stuff like this. We are still together 12 years later, and I think our shared wonder for the natural world has always helped us connect on a deeper level.

[@c.w.r.794]

It’s so weird for me, because I see everyone being happy having boyfriends, girlfriends, being married, having a family and all that type of stuff- but my experience is, I can never get a relationship going with people, because I didn’t want to talk to them about what essentially boiled down to “you know” and I felt so alienated when people would ask me “Do you want to come to my wedding?” And it felt so awkward because I wanted to be included or involved in something, but I realized I would watch them live out a dream that I, could never achieve without pushback from other people.

[@searchingfororion]

I'm sorry you feel you can't have the life you want without negativity from the outside. I *can* say from experience that it does feel weird when everyone seems to be coupling and multiplying - especially all at once. That stage is weird even if the people around you aren't mostly cis/het. Loneliness and I were bedfellows for a *long* time before I felt comfortable with myself as company. (Life things happened and I'm still rebuilding - but it's okay to take time to do that, sometimes we need to give ourselves slack.) If you want someone to talk to; I have time. An abundance. Sometimes just small connections like these can help. No pressure though, and I certainly won't pry.

[@disappointedinmyself8375]

I feel the same way and it hurts that parts of my family would not acknowledge me if I did come out

[@searchingfororion]

@@disappointedinmyself8375 It's different for everyone (environment, freedom, need ect) so I typically avoid giving direct advice. (What I can speak to is myself and those of people I've known well.) I've "sacrificed" both familial and long-term connections with people in order to be who I am. I use quotes because, while some were difficult or painful for their own reasons, the majority... weren't especially with time. It's basically like pruning. (Oh, despite appearance that was dead/unhealthy for a long time and now that it's gone new growth can occur). *Some* can be a relief - "didn't realize how much pain/discomfort that was causing until it's gone, I was so used to it" and others are exceedingly more difficult with a hope that they would just bend slightly regarding the issue so that things could be "how they were". --- I know it sounds like vague sentiments but I will say with *absolute* certainty that life is too short to live unhappily or in the company of conditional people. (I had that verified personally when in my early 20's I essentially became disabled overnight. Although not visible at the time how people responded to this information was amazing in contrast to how they worked to be perceived before. It didn't take long to decide I didn't want to engage with the new 'rules' regarding myself for THEIR comfort.) Now my connections are always being balanced on a scale. Harm vs benefit. (And sacrificing myself for their comfort falls into the category of harm.) It's improved *my* life, while also setting the expectation of decency and respect (not necessarily complete "understanding" out the gate; a learning process I get if it's genuine) required to be involved in my life that others see and understand they need to meet.

[@lyonclaws5737]

the section about lou sullivan was such a pleasant surprise. ive spent quiet nights completely alone listening to lou's words and have never had another person take an interest the same way i did. great job on your video.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

RIP Lou Sullivan 🏳️‍⚧️🌈

[@jackm.j.3549]

This really helped me sit with my feelings and grief and realize how loved I am. I feel lonely most of the time but because of a recent crisis, I realized how many people came out to support and care for me. I'm autistic so I often feel an incredible distance between myself and others. Out of a weird self preservation I misinterpret all emotions from others as disgust or dislike when that isn't ever the case. In an era of rising fascism, community is something I can nurture to protect myself and my loved ones.

[@PinkPulpito]

Same, emotionally I feel despised 24/7. Even though I have a lot of evidence on the contrary. Things go awry and I question all the realities I’ve had of late.

[@caydenpepper]

I’ve never related to something more in my entire life. To every part of this

[@NeutralGenius]

thank you for bringing us gerald busby's story and his wisdom. i worry sometimes that, because of certain older people, that we're losing the knowledge that elders can give us. it's easy to say screw old people, what do they know, but there are so many out there that can offer wisdom i'm turning 32 this year, and have really only began living my life fully in the last four years. mortality and running out of time is something i worry a lot about, but hearing from gerald is a reminder i can slow down. getting old isn't a curse, it's a gift. i hope i'm able to inspire and guide the younger people i know, so they don't feel as lost and alone as i did when i was their age

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thank you for the kindness. I do see a lot of divides online because of how people interpret their experiences, specifically with some gay people who are less accepting of trans and non-binary people. I think there are certain interpretations of queerness that can influence that viewpoint and I often see people say those differences in perspective are inherently a generational divide when I don't really think they are. There are many older LGBT people in my life who are very dear to me, Gerald being one of them, which is why I wanted to share his story and music in this video.

[@Quotate]

My gf lives in Berlin and I live in the states and I feel this whole video so deeply. I long to be in Berlin, to be with her, to be queer with her. I feel everyday a deep sense of queer loneliness that only lifts when im in the city with her. In the US I feel so alone even though im in Los Angeles. It feels that people dont see me as me but as my titles (lesbian, trans, etc) and sometimes feels mostly more isolating than accepting. Im hoping one day to make it there like you. Thank you for the amazing videos. Your content consistently brings me joy.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thanks for the kindness, I hope you two can be reunited soon!

[@phoebeel]

I don't think Berlin itself is the solution. Berlin is a deeply lonely city, I say this as someone who's always lived there. People are too busy here. I don't have deep friendships even though I long for them so much. The way things are going, I'll never have a friend's group

[@mumemic]

The way John looks at you in your photos together is so sweet 💚

[@irisalexander]

oh my god ... i'm an avoidant attachment type vibe and i don't really care for sappy love stories, but the "Christopher" chapter had my eyes welling up. 11 o'clock at night and i just paused and said "oh my god that is the cutest / saddest sh*t i've ever heard…"

[@EduardaPolicarpo-cr5cy]

For real, i read the stormlight archive right when I started my transition, one thing remains true throughout this time: life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination

[@tyrensealess]

As someone who read the Archive in a time when I knew I was trans, but wasn't in a safe spot to transition and even come out except for a few online spaces, a lot of lines struck deep and have stuck with me in the five years since then. The First Oath, of course, but also "Accept the pain, but don't accept that you deserve it", "I will protect those I hate, even if the one I hate the most is myself", "I will remember the ones who have been forgotten"... I hold those books and characters close to my heart, and I'm looking forward to the reread before December

[@danielgudinojuarez6729]

Such a great episode, having loneliness is a hidden subject and I am so glad it was presented here!!!🙏🙏🙏💜

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thank you, Daniel!🌈

[@Whimorbood]

About the age gap for me i would like to think its like with an elf falling in love with a human. Having them in our life for not the longest time doesnt mean it didnt matter. One of the topic preparing for an essay in my highschool final exams was "Is it worth it to love if love brings pain?". It very much is, we're going to meet so many people in our lives and love and cherish and its so beatiful. And we hold the ones that are gone close maybe because of how time divided us (because that relationship fell apart) or distance or they're not alive anymore. People who we love will stay with us forever, not even in a spiritual way but just because of their impact.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

I think because of the inevitability of mortality and life constantly being in flux there's an inherent understanding that if you want to love someone or form a bond with someone else it will never be permanent, and accepting that can bring both meaning and pain. I think it's because of that trade-off we look for ways to find reliability in our relationships as much as possible, which I think leads to the assumption that if a relationship is short-lived, it is less meaningful. I've gotten a number of comments over the years about my age gap with my husband that seem to imply that the relationship wouldn't be worth pursuing solely because you don't know how much time you have left and like I mention in this video that was a big insecurity for me when I realized just how serious our love is. But after struggling with that for a while I realized that life is never guaranteed and to work so hard at maximizing time together with others instead of loving someone deeply when given the opportunity would I think be missing the point. And if it's between conforming to social expectations about what our relationship should look like and accepting love, the latter makes more sense to me. Nobody knows how much time we have, and shifting my focus from assuming I'll have some trajectory to trying to appreciate my life on a daily basis was an important change for me, but admittedly it is something I didn't truly settle with until relatively recently.

[@Whimorbood]

@@DreamsoundsVideo yes yes yes! we dont know how much time we have left! ppl seem so privy to intrude when someone is in a relationship with someone who "visibly" has "less" time like and older person or terminal person or with a disability that shortens the lifespan. I dont want to be catastrophic, only realistic. You dont know when you die. Nobody does. That terminal patient may outlive you because you dont know how much time you have. So waiting for later to start living or untill retirement, assuming you will reach it is just ridiculous. Dont kill yourself over a job that will replace you in a few weeks as if you never existed. Dont wait for later to live. Not to not be excited about the future, but to remember im also living now. Im 22, i got married this year and am in a long-distance relationship with my husband for 3 years. Yes he has to work and i might be busy, but we always have to find ways to talk often. Yes its hard, but we're living now and we still can be as content as possible now. I really love your videos and i aspire to be able to make similar videos in the future

[@mokhatastrofa80]

i cried after watching this video

[@phoebeel]

I think that Berlin especially is just a deeply lonely place. People are so busy, people have friends but not really deep friendships. And if you do have deep friendships, you somehow always exclude those people who seem to struggle more to form friendships. Idk... Apart from my partner, I don't really feel seen by anyone. And I don't feel like I can connect with anyone on that level. Everybody is in it for themselves. You see people every few weeks for a coffee... That's it.

[@Emmathelady]

After 12 years of being single, I wanna feel like truly loved. For context 12 year ago I was questioning my gender and was dating a girl, we were both 17. After gathering lots of courage, I messaged her, we lived in different states, as my dad and I recently moved, that I may be trans. She did not reply for a couple of hours. Then she started being transphobic. Begging me to bring back her boyfriend and said she loved me as a man and no other way. She did not reply for another few hours. Then posted a picture of her kissing a new man, with the caption, “I love you king” and that was that. We have not spoken since. I am still friends with some of her friends because they were actually accepting of me. 2 years ago, out of the blue, she messages me wising me a Merry Christmas, like I was just supposed to forget. She is no longer dating the guy she was after me, but she is dating someone and it looks like they are very close and could get engaged soon, one of her friends said. I wish I could find love. I came out to her in 2011. I would not fully gather all of my courage to completely come out until 2015, 4 years later. My family took their time processing it all, with the exception of my older sibling who went all in right away. All that aside, I wanted to recapture the feeling of love I had before I came out to my ex, not with her, but rather with a beautiful, kindhearted lady. That being said there have been times where I have been catfished or gained ride or die friends instead of a relationship and although being catfished sucks, gaining a ride or die bestie makes me so happy, as I lost a lot of “friends” when I officially came out. Some of my friends say I could gotten a girlfriend in one of those 12 years, if I had just talked to a women. Let me tell you. I agree, but my gender dysphoria really does not help. I see beautiful cis women, trans women and non-binary people, on social media or in public, and I never gather the courage to talk to any of them because I worry that they are so beautiful and I am so not, that they would not even give me the time of day. On top of that, a few people have asked me, upon meeting me for the first time and telling them I am trans, if I am a trans man. No I am not a trans man. I am a trans woman, who knows very little about makeup, fashion and passing as a woman. Ok ok. I am rambling on. I just want to experience true love. I turn 30 this year. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking I cannot be truly loved because I am not beautiful or I don’t pass or because I am trans. My ex did that to me and I don’t want her to be right.

[@himalayansalt32]

Work harder. Just because you’re trans doesn’t mean cis or even het people have it better. -A non-straight person from a homophobic country

[@peyodogo4864]

I'm a trans man that turned 30 a few days ago and has been single for a painfully long time, for reasons similar to yours. Different circumstances definitely, but the feeling is strikingly similar. Sending love to you. I hope romance of the kind you long for finds you soon.

[@floraldancer]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm around your age, trans, and have never dated, even though I have wanted to date for a long time. Your message helps me to grieve.

[@nicholaskelly6276]

Ur story hits to a tee holy shit. I’m a trans woman who only dresses up in my room as of yet (23 rn). My first serious girlfriend who I loved tremendously left me cause I didn’t know how to have sex or feel empowered sexually. I have childhood trauma around that I just figured out and being trans on top of that made it impossible for me to fit the mold of what she wanted from me. I also didn’t understand I was trans at the time so that didn’t help either. And she stuck around for a long time cause she really did love me but we never had sex. She left me when she went away to college and i spiraled hard. Sex had been a performance since then. I just acted however I thought a one night stand machismo kinda person would. Then sex was just all I cared about. And for the last 4 years that shame has set in. I recently had my heart broken by the doll of my dreams after downloading Grindr. Her hair, her eyes, her art style and taste. Everything about her was amazing but we moved too fast and I became so attached. It’s cause I never had mirroring from my mother, it was active attempts at distortion but through mystical experiences I’ve discovered my true self. And in order to get there, my heart can’t do it alone. I want love too, but I want to be loved and seen and encouraged to be myself. It’s so lonely the expectations you have to meet in order to be seen the way you want to be seen, and being a trans lesbian is even stranger cause most trans women are affirmed by being in a relationship with men. And that’s beautiful. It’s just really lonely, too girly for the girls it seems, but I’m a pretty person so the people I attract love me for the man I appear to be. Sorry for the ramble I’ve never really typed this all out before. But definitely considering taking hormones, there’s just a lot of shame around going out in the world as the person I’d like to be seen as. Thank u for your story

[@Emmathelady]

@@nicholaskelly6276 ❤️❤️

[@hisuniversum]

The story of Christopher and the song that followed brought me tears during my morning commute. Thank you for this. Please don’t ever stop singing🫶

[@mangodew4040]

This video came at a perfect time for me. I actually cried a little. Thank you for making these

[@grettam1695]

I'm nonbinary and from Oklahoma...I'm halfway through this and astonished by the beauty and strength of your vulnerability. Thank you for capturing our loneliness and in this way, uniting us.

[@artemismoonbow2475]

My partner is 27 years my senior and we have lived together for 8 years. I'm 43 and it is nice to hear another who experiences similar complexities.

[@wantfastcars]

I admit I haven't finished watching the video yet, I'm about halfway through, but a lot of this video is hitting very close to home. I also started my medical transition at 27, no surgery yet, and only just a very recently entered my first relationship with someone who has only known me since the start of my transition and who only knows me as a trans woman. She's wonderful and beautiful and I love her, and I think for the first time, neither of us feels lonely. But even despite that, I'm worried that things won't work out just because our life situation is very different, and I'm terrified to go back to being lonely again. It is amazing how good it feels to be with her, though, after years and years of just thinking I was fine being alone, simply talking with her makes me so happy. Losing that... I'm a new subscriber and this is only the second video I've seen on this channel, but so far, more so than most other LGBT KZbinrs I follow, I feel like this one picks at the edges and gets into the little cracks in my psyche in a way that both terrifies me and enthralls me. Thank you for what you're doing. I wish you the best of luck in your life.

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Thank you for the kind words. Wishing the best for you both 🌈

[@CO2-emissions]

This was lovely, crying rn, so much love. Incredible to live in this broken world

[@stormieo4252]

"the things i thought i want arent really what i need" i feel that girl. I think i can relate to a lot of the feelings you have about that relationship. This was such a beautiful video, artful and thoughtful. Thanks so much ❤

[@oc5939]

I’m blown away by your thoughtfulness, introspection, wisdom, and vulnerability. This video was incredibly engaging and thought provoking. I loved your song “I’m Artificial” l and Christopher’s letter that you read was simply beautiful. I thank the algorithm spirit for sending your video my way. I’ve subscribed and look forward to viewing more of your content. Thanks. 💕

[@ash-fr5hy]

6:19 HAHAHA oh god this speaks to me on an unbelievable level. im a 19yr old trans man, a couple of months ago i got the guts to go to a bar durin' slow hours of the day. i got a beer, finished it, left and passed a bookstore. browsed a bit, came across 'the stranger', it was perfect size to fit in the pocket of my jacket. i bought it and went back for another beer, reading it at one of the tables, and ofcourse, smoking my cigarettes. i quite literally laughed out loud when you mentioned cigarettes and that book. ive been feeling the queer loneliness myself lately, and i think this video will be something to soothe, ive only started it, but thank you. 12:44 - 13:16 wow, hit the nail on the head right there.

[@3dnygma]

What a lovely video! Your interview with Gerald was especially intriguing. And the shots/cinematography you made of Berlin and your flat really added a lot. They felt lonely but in a very warm way.

[@celebrityguest.9530]

thank you so much for making this. i don’t know if i have much more specific of a comment i can articulate just yet but… seriously. this was beautiful and profound and i think i really needed this. so thank you. ❤

[@johnmcdermott5811]

❤❤❤

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

🌈💗thank you for your love, john

[@searchingfororion]

Thank the two of you for sharing your sweetness. It's always so incredibly heartwarming.

[@WitchPaper1]

This comment made my day.

[@Ben-qq8ly]

l love how you mix your music with the video essay, it really makes your points more emotionally moving

[@searchingfororion]

This was gorgeous. It was also amazing to get a 'behind the scenes' not only of Dreamsounds to Avelo, but somewhat share the nostalgia with you; especially the revisits to songs you performed on livestream what seems like a lifetime ago. (At least for me) Also, I know I say it all the time but bookmark it for when you could use the reminder: You're gorgeous Marlene. That's just objectively true. More importantly; you're lovely inside and out. Thank you for sharing that with us. (Also my thought about the selfie was "cute!" you said "sexy" - which in itself is adorable - and I wish you two a very **ahem** "cute!" reunion and fully understand if another update doesn't happen until winter.)

[@Skip-Towne]

You're style of writing and storytelling is engrossing. Thank you for sharing these moments with us. I made a big move last year, I live with friends and things are better now than they have been - but now that that I feel more comfortable and less anxious, I now have the space to realise that I am lonely. Much to think about. Also, i love your music. Got chills listening to you singing.

[@amity2274]

This is the first time I've ever seen anyone explain the weird feelings I have around bottom surgery. When Candy spoke of fearing she'd no longer be "special" anymore if she got it, I really felt that, and I can relate that to my own experiences easily. I honestly experience a lot of bottom dysphoria, but I kind of have a complex about my transness being the only conceivable perk that'd come with sexually being with me, and I also feel as though the presence of my natal genitals makes my femininity and cis-passing more impressive, I suppose. As in, when I see my feminine body with the penis, it's like "wow, despite being born with that thing, you look like that. That's amazing!" and a part of me kinda doesn't want to lose that, for if I had a vagina, I'd pretty much just look like a cis woman who has hands, feet, and height that is just a tad bit "mannish" compared to what is normative in size, but otherwise just looks kinda unremarkable, y'know? Presently, when things that I perceive to be even slightly clocky and indicative of male puberty gets pointed out to me in the mirror, I can just kinda refer to what's between my legs and be like "this is the perpetrator, they did this to me. When you consider I had to deal with that thing during first puberty, I'm really not doing so bad", but without that there to contextualize why my body didn't develop in a way that is completely normative for females, a part of me imagines that it might hit me harder. I suppose the visual evidence that I'm trans makes where I am in terms of femininity almost feel more special, more significant, but at the same time I can't use my penis in sexual contexts without literally crying, so it'd probably be best to just get it over with.

[@ComicXanz]

BABE WAKE UP NEW AVELO JUST DROPPED

[@Muhluri]

The vibes of this channel are.... Different. I really like it

[@An-rp1vx]

I don't have words to describe the insight into my self and relationships with my mom and grandparents. Thank you for a look at a beautiful world.

[@wilsowallis]

lou sullivan oh my god!! not through with the video yet but it’s looking to be a beautiful one… so glad to see him becoming more publicly memorialized

[@unclassedmedia]

love this. thank you for taking the time to communicate it.

[@lynxthewise7233]

Gerald's composition is so magical!!! At first it felt like a tense Ghibli track, then it became a whimsical Twilight Princess moment... Would love to hear the rest!

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

I linked to Adam's full recording of it in the description, and the other Gerald thing I briefly showed (the score for 3 Women) is on streaming services :)

[@LucGendrot]

This was so, so beautiful! About 20 minutes after finishing this video (and moving on to others) I briefly burst into tears and I'm not entirely sure why. I have a feeling I'll be back to listen again after I've sat with it for a bit. :') Happy Pride!

[@Sad_Bumper_Sticker]

Wow you shared so many minute-snippets of your soul-ish-ness and thoughts! And as a queer hermit-loner , due to cptsd I only feel my authentic self when I’m alone, so I’ve been living in chosen isolation for years, when I discoverer the concept of Schizoid (which means loving solitude) but simultaneously I fantasize about a future queer person intellectual ponderings partner. So for anyone feeling lonely, one path is to acknowledge and care for that feeling, but another is exploring - if you feel lonely, ONLY because mainstream society socializes us that we should have friends, partners, lovers. If this helps anyone, I stopped feeling lonely when I researched Schizoid chosen-loneliness. I discovered I am only honestly „ME” when alone. I do plan for a queer asexual brain-nerd, but for me, I know that FEELING LONELY used to make me chose abusive red-flag partners in the past. In that way, our lonelines can sadly betray us and give us pain.

[@markwrede8878]

If you're lonely when you're by yourself, you're in bad company. -Sartre

[@manwhoismissingtwotoenails4811]

Living as a queer teenager in a small rural Tennessean community this sums up all of my highschool experience.

[@ed.m04]

For the last two years of high school I was stealth and in an all male friend group, which I used to think was the main goal of my transition. I was the loneliest I've ever been in my life. I still talk to most of them, but I couldn't form the kind of bonds with them like I could with other trans people. Until I met my partner I exclusively dated cis people only to be met with a lack of shared experiences and stunted understanding of each other. Starting a T4T relationship with someone who is so outwardly and proudly weird and queer made me realize that the only way I could truly be happy was to stop hiding my transness. In many gay and trans circles I still feel that loneliness due to the nature of my transition, but having people who have a baseline understanding are infinitely better than nobody.

[@johnnzboy]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this honest, touching, hopeful, beautiful work of art

[@hxigg]

I cried so many times while watching this. Thank you so much for sharing your (and others’) story. You make beautiful art.

[@drageben145]

This is the first video i watched from you, and all i can truly say that this was beautiful

[@CloudyN1mbus]

WAKE UP BABES NEW AVELO MOVIE I found this channel through her "Finding a Trans Voice" vid. I was instantly in love with the editing style and cinematic qualities of the b-roll and other visuals. It's striking, yet beautiful, and I'm so excited to give this one a watch (and maybe cry, who knows) Thank you for sharing your voice with us, Avelo 💙💙💙 EDIT: Yeah, had a good cry at this one fellas 👍

[@khalylehagood3222]

What a doozy of a video for my intro to your channel. It felt like art, and has me reflecting on my own life.

[@alanahorton5914]

Thank you so much for coming back to KZbin and making such beautiful and thoughtful art. I really appreciate the way you highlight the human experience in your videos through sharing stories of people of the past as well as your own story of your life so far. I really enjoyed hearing your conversation with Gareld and i think its so lovely your able to document that moment and share it with us. Thank you for sharing Marlina its been such a joy to watch as this channel has grown and changed along with you

[@Tacom4ster]

As an essay junkie, I think this is a great essay, never knew essays can have soundtracks, genius...... Honestly I might be lonelier

[@TaylorTheOtter]

This video really meant a lot to me. It taught me things about myself that I really needed to hear. I cried. Four times. But such is life, especially when suddenly faced with a metaphorical mirror. Also I should start writing music again.

[@Ifetayojuni]

I haven’t been this touched by a video in such a long time. This is the second video of yours I’ve come across, the first being about your singing journey through transition, and I’ve come to really appreciate your voice both as a writer and a musician. Thank you for sharing your perspective with the world.

[@spicedandy6815]

That love letter segment with Christopher has me crying, but they are melancholic, happy tears. Your content is so beautiful. Thank you.

[@elsleepy9396]

Im gonna cry, I can't believe I'm not the only one feeling this. Thank you for posting this ❤

[@skylarback]

such a beautifully written and executed video, the music makes me feel hopeful and want to hug my loved ones tighter. fantastic as always!

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

thank you, skylar!

[@SebastianSeanCrow]

1:08:20 you guys greeting each other is just the sweetest thing 😭

[@kid_missive]

Thanks for my tears starting 15:30 onward. Synergizes well with my day. Time to hydrate lol.

[@blue-z4m]

oh, wow. i'm a student studying in berlin for the summer and leaving within the next week. i found your channel by chance about maybe a month ago? and it's been so interesting hearing you talk about berlin and being queer/trans there, especially as i am someone who is transmasc, and especially since the city i'm from is in america and doesn't get talked about that much, it's kinda surreal to see all these places and familiar scenery and hearing about all the queer history and culture from someone who's been living in the city for much longer than me. berlin is definitely such a beautiful city and i love hearing what other queer people think about it and have experienced here, especially since i'm not super into the party culture that gets pushed a lot-it's interesting to see what others think of it. there's something just so compelling about the way you use your words and integrate music into your video essays; i love the style. i don't usually write comments and this is kinda rambly, but i thought i wanted to say something after watching your videos while being in berlin. thanks for the video, and happy csd if you're going tomorrow ❤🌈

[@Lara-rs3tm]

I’m so glad this appeared in my suggested videos. Absolutely incredible

[@mortleman]

your videos bring such a comfort. thank you for sharing

[@FaithSheikh]

Incredible video. Had me crying a few times. I didn't expect to relate so deeply to so some of the things you talked about. Thank you for sharing your love and your beautiful songs with us. Subscribed.

[@lilypryor9015]

This is my first video of yours, I’m so so touched and grateful that you shared this, I’ve been struggling with my own queer loneliness and it’s always nice to know I’m not alone. Also, tangentially related, I’m obsessed with your music. Your voice and lyric style reminds me so much of one of my all time favorite musicians Kevin Devine

[@Fenan_21]

I'm 21, getting off of benzos cause I spent too long eating those (knowing the consequences even) and all the other shit I did, facing some of if not the worst depression (worse than what sent me to inpatient care) and I relate to that story too much. I learned a shitload about how to abuse everything the safest way possible and did that basically. I'm also finally putting together the fact that I am dysphoric about my gender and how if I want any meaningful change to happen I'm going to have to do so so much work. And on top of all that, my support system has effectively evaporated and the only ones left that support me do so reluctantly and there's no way I can reasonably be out (gender-wise and living situation-wise) of the house anytime soon. I'm grappling with the things I thought I put to rest because I only just shoved them down and never had the words or environment to discuss them properly, nobody to tell me that certain things indicated dysphoria, and I feel dumb for only now realizing it. But I can't be hard on myself like that because its unfair to my perceptions and journey. When I was 15, I thought I was dead, that I had lived all that life had to offer and that it was only downhill, I am still trying to bring myself to life to this day with mitigated success. The substances absolutely were a part of that, not very long after my stay colorado decriminalized mushroom possession and that got me to question the ethics of substance use for the first time ever, something I knew to stay away from because of my absent methheaded father. I thought I could be better than him, even though being better than a man whos spent most of his life tweaking and behind bars is just breathing free air, it was that farce idea of masculinity, of "being the better man" that I knew when I started to question my gender all those years ago I just... never felt it and chalked it all up to "well I guess I'm a man because I feel like one and I've been told I am one and I seem to look and sound like one so I guess that's the end of the story" and... here we are. And my therian experiences are a whole other wall of text, the idea and feeling of not being human is one I have and still do identify with but its the most difficult of them all because I know its something I will only achieve in the afterlife (or at least my version anyhow). I want to be seen as a dog, to be loved and cherished blindly, accepted even with flaws, running around, making a mess, being loud, everything. And having my human identity be the only thing I can have control over people perceiving is extremely dysphoric and causes me to shove emotions down even more. My pain became pain, back into acceptance, to a currently crawling back pain that I know is the biggest mental fallacy I'm facing right now. I can't give up now, even when I feel like the space I've found is rejecting me for whatever xyz reason I can think up and let that dictate my existence. I know that my mental health circumstances are preventing me from generally accepting love back right now but something would be better than nothing. Thats the point of getting better, of changing.

[@Fenan_21]

Bottom surgery is something I've been grappling with more recently, I've always desired a trans body but with those parts in tact and those feelings are starting to be fucked with a little. I just don't know if its right for me or not, but everything still feels wrong right now and I don't feel like I can trust myself. I know I don't need to now, but still. This video is, beyond excellent. I wish I had more concise words.

[@Faelanidk]

Another beautiful crafted and articulated video 🫶

[@gjhartist3685]

Wonderful video. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

[@akaihys]

wow! this was randomly recommended to me. it was more personal than i expected, but i loved it anyway. i cried floods, lol. i'm a transmasc nonbinary person (who only recently realized that) and i also have very few people in my life right now. i deal with the most ridiculous, melodramatic, angsty, desperate loneliness over that. i often feel like it scares others away and needs to be hidden. so i always appreciate open discussion of it, especially through a queer lens. i also found hearing about your experiences in berlin interesting. i've been very strongly considering leaving the US myself, hoping that maybe my problem is just my milieu- like maybe the people where i'm living just aren't right for me, or something. but of course the problem could also just be me. oh and, gerald seems so lovely! his interview was a delight :)

[@Wuffskers]

this was really relatable in some ways and very much not in other ways, but like you said just having the approximate ability to relate can be really helpful. I also have an affinity for men of the older, hairier, and typically bigger variety. I also had a bit of a long distance relationship with an older man but in my case it was me that was head over heels for him, and I'd say when we met we actually hit it off and grew more close, he was in my town on my birthday in 2015 when we met in person for the first time and we spent the weekend together and it was also the first time I did anything with another man, so he'll always be my first. I'd go see him a couple times a year for a few years but eventually in 2019 I was visiting him and I really realized we did not think of each other in quite the same way and we talked about it which resulted in me flying home early and a tearful goodbye and he gave me the space to reach out to him whenever I was ready or so he said. I spent 7 months mourning the relationship I thought I had before contacting him and during this time I reminisced and kinda called him on his bullshit and he seemed willing to admit he understood how I got the wrong idea at least. The way he talked about me and treated me though did not seem to be the way you treat a mere FWB. I even remember when we first met he had to meet with someone for dinner on business and let me come, and the person we were meeting asked if we were a couple because he said he could write the whole meal off as a business expense and even after just meeting in person a couple days earlier we looked at each other and he said "we're not sure yet". To make matters worse he claimed that the 7 months of no contact that I'd spent getting myself together were so bad that he no longer wanted to even be friends and risk having to go through that again, and again I kinda call bullshit on his feelings because I don't know that he would really feel that intensely if he didn't feel something stronger for me. Tbh this news was even more devastating than the loss of the relationship, I still really liked him and liked the thought of still being his friend, but now I was losing him entirely. The worst part was I dealt with it entirely on my own in silence, I wasn't out to anyone that I knew irl and didn't feel I could confide in anyone aside from online friends which can only do so much. I'm very thankful for two of those online friends in particular though, I'll call them D and K who were a gay couple in Texas. Shortly after I got the news that I would be losing him completely I was invited by K to come visit even though I'd actually never met them irl before but I decided to just do it because at that point it felt like the worst thing had already happened, and it ended up being one of the best decisions I'd made because having their in person companionship and hospitality was really helpful when I was in such a dark place. K is mexican and we'd always bonded over food and I got to help him make the best tacos I've ever had in my life. He also took me to see my first drag performance in Dallas. All 3 of us even ended up having some spicy fun together. At some point I was legitimately moved to happy tears because of how cathartic being with them was. I'm also so thankful that I got to do it when I did because literally a week after I returned home the pandemic hit, I can't imagine having to grieve the loss of my friend alone in the middle of a pandemic. Unfortunately they eventually broke up amicably over differing goals regarding having children or not. About a year ago though D was in town and we met up and he actually asked how I was feeling about how things were with my ex-friend and really earnestly listened to me and wanted me to talk about it which surprised me. I'd felt that none of my friends who knew about it wanted to keep hearing about how I felt, but he asked completely unprompted and it really meant a lot. It really can't be understated how much just being there for people can help, my time spent with them both in early 2020 and when D visited me didn't fix my relationship, it didn't find me a new one, it didn't remove the hurt I'd experienced previously, but it put me at ease and helped me feel safe and cared for all the same.

[@nigeladams8321]

i relate to the endless partying The university i go to has a thriving punk scene. Its basically every weekend and everyone puts their all into it especially at the commune. Its Queer As Hell and utterly exhausting

[@secco1908]

Wich uni are you talking about?

[@nigeladams8321]

@@secco1908 Southern Illinois University

[@secco1908]

@@nigeladams8321 Ah, I thought a Uni in Berlin and was curious. Carbondale already sounds pretty punky.. I just had the chance to visit IIT in Chicago this summer.

[@nyxs_time_alone]

I stil haven't finished the video yet, but i would like to add something not just about loneliness, but about queer time. Specifically about aromantic time. I'm aroace. Not only does it feel especially lonely being aroace because i don't have any friends like me (almost my friends are lgbt but not one of them is aroace), but personally no matter how comfortable i get with my sexuality (or maybe lack thereof haha), there is always the looming fear of growing old alone. I don't know if many aroace people feel this way but even after making queer friends and just friends in general I'm still afraid of dying alone or growing old and loosing all my friends. My friends are the only thing i have, my family if they knew who I am (I am also agender) would not accept me. I don't want a partner, my friends are my everything. If most or worse all my friends get a partner and a full time job I'm afraid we won't see each other anymore, the way that my parents don't see their friends that often. It seems really lonely. Aroace people especially go againt the chart of falling in love, getting married and having a family more than anyone alse . I really hope I find another aroace person but where I live it seems rare that I even found so many queer people in the first place. I don't talk about this loneliness to anyone. It's a very personal thing so i was happy this video came up on my fy

[@DreamsoundsVideo]

Just wanted to say that I am sorry to hear about the familial trouble, but appreciate you sharing your aroace perspective!

[@nyxs_time_alone]

​@@DreamsoundsVideoThank you for such and amazing video and thank you for the concern!! I was very happy sharing my experience

[@H4RUSP3X]

As a fellow aroace I feel exactly the same, plus I feel like it's a little alienating when it seems like your friends don't place as much value on friendship compared to their romantic relationships and I understand and accept that, but it still doesn't take away the fact that one feels that the friendship relationship is not equivalent. Still, don't give up, there are many people who maintain their friendships after adulthood. Hugs!

[@NomiVega]

Dear Dream, we are deeply moved by the stories that you sing, we have never before heard something so addictive, a bitter sweetness that we were not anticipating but praying to find so that we too could understand our loneliness. Learning to love ourselves was always difficult and the deeper we proved the more we learned to understand how beautiful and special 1:14:11 our lives are. Though we will always suffer, beauty and the flowers are always here to ease our suffering and comfort us as we play at this mysterious game called life. Thanks for being there for us. Love and gratitude for everything that is! Nomi 💖🙏

[@Donde_Lieta]

Not Tchai-Tchai in the thumbnail 😭💀 ThEy WeRe RoOmAtEs!! Thank you so much for talking about this, I watched and fell in love with Stephen Sondheim’s “Company”, and it portrays this phenomenon loosely- It is definitely something I have felt personally.

[@z.i.g.4840]

This could not have come at a better time 💙

[@waititstuesdaygod]

Your view on how you used to see your attraction to older men speaks so much to be. You essentially took the words out of my mouth. I hope to one day finally be okay with who I am

[@Ali-hasToRun]

This video made me feel less lonely, thank you. Love from saudi arabia

[@nathaniel_fern4207]

Always making me cry…. ;_; Thank you for this

[@SimberPlays]

I didn't think my loneliness in crowds had that much to do with being queer but i guess it does. It's the seemingly everpresent allonormative ideas and gender roles. Like everyone is coupled off or has a few people that are part of their core group and if you arent then they dont care about you that much. It feels very isolating

[@aaaaaa-oc7kt]

fuck, i'm sobbing. that hasn't happened in a long while so, thank you

[@babyketchxupup]

This was beautifully written, thank you for sharing Gerald with us and also you’re voice sounds amazing in this one!!!!!!!

[@stasacab]

4:08 I always go to Pride alone and I always leave Pride alone. I have been to 3 Prides this year. The most communal event ever. And it gets worse. Wait, if you become sick and you cannot get any help.

[@weeredfrog]

Every video you make takes me on such a journey but this one is so beautiful

[@higher_haze]

1:11:17 this man is amazing!! And he seems so nice and loving

[@euanfindlay1778]

Thank you deeply for this video. I cried at every song. As someone who has only recently come to terms with their own queerness and transness, it's been a joyful experience, but also a profoundly lonely one. I know that the joy and loneliness will continue, hand in hand, through the long journey ahead of me, but videos like this and hearing experiences such as yours help so much. Thank you.

[@anyarobinson2334]

Thanks for the exestential crisis. 10/10 would recommend to friends as a psychological and emotional attack method.

[@dwlas]

Wonderful video and also wonderful audio. I can tell you paid close attention to that

[@queerulantin6431]

Thanks so much this is important

[@marsh6714]

A majority of my friends throughout my life have been cis straight women. I could have cis straight male friends but my trauma made it hard to be comfortable in their company. I’ve had friends who are queer, but they all ended due to either growing distance or falling outs. Out of all that, I’ve only been friends with cis straight women. When i came out to myself as non binary at age 24 (changed my name and pronouns), not only it helped me come into terms about being the “odd one”, but also realize the degree of distance and loneliness. On top of that barely any of my friends remembered or respected my choice. However, I’ve been trying again to put myself out there in the queer punk community in Toronto. Yet, i still beat myself up for all of this, because i wish i realized all of this younger…

[@xexpaguette]

thank you for doing what you do, i find these videos helpful in understanding my feelings when it comes to my queer life ❤

[@sofscapes]

your movies are so beautiful and I luuurrrve the music interludes

[@Pfizenmaier]

Very impactful video. I have felt very much the same my entire life, but only slowly I realised that it had something to do with my queerness or rather a societal implication of it. While I fully embrace my identity as a gay man, I do think that I therefore inherently have a different view on friendships and the concept of family - my friends often were more of a family to me than my biological one for various reasons. Therefore seeing my (mostly straight) friend group dissolving into more and more couples over the years, it often lets me feel a deep sense of sadness. Whenever I hear that some people in my social group is expecting a child, or that they are moving away I see myself being left alone and abandoned, even though I hate this way of thinking. All I do is think about myself but I often just can't help it. My deepest fear is (since hey, most likely I'm not gonna have kids) when I'm old I'm gonna die alone. It's a thought and a feeling, I was never able to truly shake

[@narglefargle]

You really do have an excellent ear for melody.

[@kap_516]

probably one of the best things I've seen on youtube! well done ma'am!

[@Sage_613]

I love this in so many ways. There are too many relatable elements to recall 💜💜💜

[@nld_artz]

Another fantastic video, thank you!!

[@shampooslurper]

Love your usage of art in this video!!!! Art historian part of me couldn’t look away.

[@charliebear154]

Oh dear, my KZbin recommendations are here to hurt me today. Can’t wait 🙃

[@fanly1390]

This beautiful video is a work of art in itself. I've been struggling with the feeling of loneliness myself, and it is hard when you have no one to express that feeling. Lately, though, I have met other trans masc people, and the feeling of community makes that loneliness vanish a little, but I still feel it inside of me. I'm not planning on transitioning until I have the money, and I'm not relying on my parents, so maybe in my late 20s or 30s. I'm 18, and only one friend knows truly what I am, and it usually feels like I'm the only one struggling with it, although I know it's not true. I think that has made me feel more alone than the fact of being alone physically.