RiffTrax: Magical Disappearing Money (Full FREE Short)

[@deandupont5503]

"Look lady, I'm a bachelor who lives in an efficiency apartment and works 12 hour days. You wanna help me? Point to where the bulk-size discount scotch is!"

[@fireriffs]

The grocery witch doesn't seem to understand that TIME is also valuable and you can't make more of it. Sure, her pact with the Dark Lord grants HER immortality, but the rest of us don't have time to make everything from scratch.

[@Virjunior01]

CaPiTaLiSm

[@kurtb8474]

Our parents seemed to have the time make meals from scratch. What has changed since then?

[@fireriffs]

@@kurtb8474 People have made themselves more busy. For all the modern technology we have to help us do things faster and easier, we've found a way to load up the time that freed up with more stuff. Our culture tells us that if we're not busy we're wasting time. A lie for sure but it's ingrained in our society. And my parents made up plenty of at least partially prepared things when I was growing up. Not nearly as much as people do today of course.

[@boobah5643]

@@kurtb8474 Rather missing the point, I think. If your time has no value, then it always makes sense to buy the cheaper, longer to prepare foods. If your time has value, then it's time to start asking whether paying someone else to partially or wholly cook your meal is a worthwhile proposition. And the historical trend has been that food has become a smaller and smaller portion of the average American's budget; I can't speak for anywhere else. Even with the trend towards frozen and otherwise prepared foods. It's one thing to double your food costs when they're twenty five percent of your budget; it's another to do so when they're five percent.

[@Magic_beans_]

It was the 70s, people were bored as hell.

[@Popebug]

Grocery Witch is so offended by other people having any kind of happiness in their lives. She would love the internet.

[@hungryburger1170]

women ☕︎

[@kenthuang436]

No she wouldn't. You must pay for the internet and the best speed for internet can be expensive and the witch hates anything that doesn't cost less than $1 apparently.

[@stephenjackman984]

"Why are you overpaying for tissues and toilet paper when the leaves outside are free?"

[@foxymetroid]

Oh, look at Rockerfeller here with his leaf money.

[@akl2k7]

But the only leaves outside are from those poison ivy and poison oak plants I have in the backyard.

[@Fakan]

@@foxymetroid Exactly! Use old corn cobs like a real American!

[@jonathanwashington6083]

"Toliet Paper! Who do you think we are? Millionaires!"

[@stephen3164]

You can install a toilet bidet and eliminate the need for both tp and tissues!

[@classiclife7204]

Just add watery powdered milk to your sugarless cereal. Think of all the money you're saving with each depressing, nasty swallow. Ugh. That riff about war-time rations was really on point. I don't think I've ever seen a PSA lobby for powdered milk, let alone so aggressively. Maybe these folks hated the Dairy Council?

[@AmyLSacks]

The real reason Why Cathy Didn't Eat Breakfast. The witch was her annoying stepmom.

[@demonkingbadger6689]

I have never been able to swallow that watery powdered milk. gag reflex takes over

[@TheRogueWolf]

"JOIN ME IN THE ABYSS OF SAVINGS!" I got fired from my retail job for yelling that in the aisles.

[@kanna-san.]

I said I was sorry

[@cigoLxeL]

Bunch of spoilsports.

[@n-Chantreuse]

They did you a favor. Joyless idiots

[@TheGamersShade]

Wow, telling people how wrong they were was a much harder process before they invited Twitter.

[@jean-lucpicard5510]

"Invited". So Twitter has been around all this time, but we had to invite it to be used as a social media platform?

[@swiftshock2615]

Always knew Twitter was some sort of twisted vampire of a social media platform

[@ImperatorPenguin]

Actually, it was easier back then. Now adays you can't even say 'I disagree' without being verbally torn a new one.

[@jakublulek3261]

But as toxic as ever.

[@SteveBarton13]

@@ImperatorPenguin I agree.

[@epobirs]

It must be the crazy lady's first time there, since they don't have a picture of her in the manager's area with a note saying to call the cops if she comes inside the store.

[@BGNOLA]

"Powdered milk! Not just for wartime conditions anymore!"

[@strawbarry7834]

if you could bottle that woman's attitude, you'd make a fortune. "Condescension" by L'Oreal - bring out your inner witch.

[@AskALibbieist]

She is the Ur-Karen.

[@Squidbush8563]

They digitized it and branded it as Twitter

[@Aaronb1215]

Usually everybody in these things is terrible, but grocery witch is giving a real solid performance here.

[@dianalewandowski7421]

🤣

[@BGNOLA]

@Fredrik Agardh what, you want a FANCY Madeline Kahn? No pudding for you!

[@MusicalPlayground717]

It’s unfortunate that everything is working against her here, from the writing to the makeup to the will of God, probably

[@jkdbuck7670]

She's a dead ringer for my sister in law.

[@Eisenwulf666]

@@jkdbuck7670 nice?

[@scottlarson1548]

We folks who went to school in the 70s saw a lot of these "How to Be a Smart Consumer" shorts just like this one. That's why we drive thirty miles to Costco and buy ten pounds of bulk oatmeal to save twenty cents.

[@Zara-Bari]

I thought it was because we live in small towns and the only so-called grocery store in town doesn't actually sell FOOD.

[@scottlarson1548]

@@coreyhutton478 Which country was that?

[@yomama9538]

Well it made sense back when gas was 87 cents

[@scottlarson1548]

@@yomama9538 Five years before that it was only 39 cents a gallon. Gas prices were soaring in the 70s.

[@Zara-Bari]

See, this is why I hate going to the grocery store, some witch is always kidnapping me, randomly stealing items out of my cart and replacing them with different items. It's such a hassle. And then sometimes she just yanks me into a display of detergent for no reason.

[@shawnfields2369]

Yeah, I could totally see why. Sorry you have to deal with grocery witches throwing you into random detergent and replacing random things in your cart with other stuff. Sounds like a real pain in the ass. Seriously, sorry dude.

[@SirButtz]

@Fredrik Agardh I always carry a vial of holy water, it works suspiciously well on the crack heads in the car park too

[@akl2k7]

@@SirButtz Just beware that you could be charged with murder if the witch or crackhead melts because you tossed holy water on them.

[@kenthuang436]

Every time I see a grocery store witch taking stuff out of my cart and replacing it with stuff that is bad quality, I throw holy water on her. The screams of agony as she melts is soooooo satisfying!

[@SirButtz]

@@akl2k7 what you think I'm just made of God juice? Nah just sprinkle a little on your fingers then flick it at their faces, it's more than enough to deter them without permanent damage.

[@blanktom6049]

10:09 Fresh zucchini cost even less if you hide it in your bag while no one’s looking

[@davidwalter2002]

It doesn't cost anything if you DON'T BUY IT!

[@teedup8995]

Lol!

[@typacsk]

You hide it in your *bag?* Amateurs.

[@SomeOrangeCat]

Saaaaaaay.

[@srbrant5391]

The Winona Ryder strategy.

[@BlazingOwnager]

"Join me in the abyss of savings." Perfect.

[@erniemiller1953]

She goes into cardio shock when the kids grabs a box of K-Cups.

[@kaptainwarp]

This short takes place in the same universe as Manos The Hands of Fate. I like to think the witch also works at a travel agency in El Paso booking weekend stays at the Valley Lodge.

[@Stradlverius]

Torgo's wife?

[@meumnomen]

That's a heady statement

[@adrianruess1646]

I feel like she needs the “Torgo “ theme music as well …

[@joeblack333]

She might even be the toughest of the tough from the nightly wife fights, & that's how she got this sweet grocery store gig.

[@rothloaf1980]

I'm a Texan. I'm pretty sure you're correct. I think I saw her in a Juarez bar during a tequila binge when I was 19yo.

[@Eric-bq8nd]

I love that she completely ignored the fact that they wanted seasoned rice and breaded zucchini and that they'd have to pay more to get seasonings and bread.

[@Virjunior01]

But seasonings last. Always keep the spices stocked

[@nergalbanda]

@@Virjunior01 spices DO have a freshness shelf life though. The longer they sit unused the more stale and flavourless they get.

[@Virjunior01]

@@nergalbanda of course, just like medicine, they "denature." But you can just use more to get the taste you want in most cases.

[@Swiftbow]

@@nergalbanda While technically true, I've used spices that were several years old to good effect. You just have to use greater quantity.

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

Mr Pibb? No, you fool. Buy Karo syrup and tonic water by the gallon. You’ll save almost $0.45 cents a month!

[@Big_Tex]

If I had magical powers I’d spend my time berating local shoppers at the grocery store for buying frozen vegetables.

[@TheRogueWolf]

Well, yeah. Who wouldn't?

[@shawnfields2369]

@@TheRogueWolf Well, as long as you don't pull powdered milk out of their armpits, it should be fine, I guess?

[@shawnfields2369]

@@coreyhutton478 By pulling milk out of your armpits? Alright. Totally ok with that.

[@FuzzyMemoriesTV]

See - that's what you don't get - she wasn't given a choice. The only choice she had was whether to accept the powers and a chance to forever escape the prison of mediocrity, or to turn them down and be banished to her current life with the knowledge that she could have made the other choice, which would have haunted her forever. With that kind of choice she made the only decision she could - she chose to have the powers of a god. The ability to will people and objects into being simply by waving her hand or twitching her nose. Abilities which would make her the most powerful person every imagined - except with the horrific caveat of it only existing in the service of grocery savings education to the general public. Now, as she awaits being summoned by some unknown automatic force each day, to ostensibly amaze and preach her cursory lessons to another group of random shoppers, she feels hollow inside, like some weird form of magical automaton - taking but small pleasure in making a box of pudding appear or in turning an uncut zucchini instantly into to a pile of slices - regular people for some reason don't seem to be as amazed at her powers as she would have thought. They act almost as if they were in a bad 1970s sitcom - as if this magical shit could have somehow happened organically in their mundane, wood-paneled, casually misogynistic, bored out of their minds most of the time 1976 lives, if only they wanted it hard enough. So she could not even gain pleasure from her powers. To her disbelief, she starting actually caring more about the education part of her neverendingly bleak responsibilities. She tried, and finally succeeded in feeling good about saving people money through smarter grocery choices. Each emasculated little boy she saw forced into shopping with his mom, each pathetic widower trying to eek out an existence on a disability pension and occasional racetrack winnings; she thought if she could help them save money, then somehow that little change could bring some difference and improvement into their lives which would allow them to escape the 1970s and finally advance into the cold unknown of the future, rather than being fed back around the other side into the maw of the horrific biologic simulacrum, forced to live again the same moments, days, weeks and years, for an eternity...

[@srbrant5391]

Your priorities are in the right places.

[@thewordywarlock7159]

It's even _cheaper_ if you just shoplift everything, like she did at the end!

[@HylianFox3]

Her hatred of fanciness CANNOT be overestimated!

[@HylianFox3]

@@coreyhutton478 Well, I did misremember it as "understated"

[@jean-lucpicard5510]

Wow, repeating dialogue from the video. You are a comedic genious, you should become a stand up comedian or something. You would be bigger than Richard Pryor!

[@jaynenunya6070]

@@HylianFox3 " understated" is a better fit for what they were saying so 🤷

[@demonkingbadger6689]

I never realized real milk was fancy

[@rachel_sj]

@@demonkingbadger6689 Nowadays, plant-based non-dairy milk is considered more fAnCy, while the dairy kind is considered as more blah. I bet that if the Magical Money Saving Grocery Witch stopped by a Kroger or Walmart, she’d tell you to make your own plant-based milk using pats, soybeans, etc and water (which is possible, but a more labor-intensive process) 😂

[@jamesbevan9939]

"She disappeared, just like Daddy!" Oh god, I laughed way too hard at that one.

[@skeetsmcgrew3282]

I love how panicked everyone was at the end. They were just kidnapped by a witch and forced to watch her teleport food from one place to another. But her disappearing, Jesus Christ please God no!!

[@seagrave7336]

"Where do you draw the line you harpy!" Classic.

[@seagrave7336]

@@coreyhutton478 Nice, how about a big cup of GFY harpy! Now THAT is funny!!

[@michaelfisher7170]

God, I hated powdered milk as a kid and that hatred has never left me. Nope. Not gonna be cheap enough to drink that swill ever again.

[@Eric-bq8nd]

Death First! I will drink...ugh...water...before I will ever drink powdered milk again.

[@srbrant5391]

“And it tastes like chalky vomit!”

[@andrewlwatts]

The one accurate things she said though is that it's good for baking. But hell no, never drink it. And if you're going to drink milk anyway, drink the full fat stuff.

[@moonymonster]

@@andrewlwatts but I don't like the full fat stuff

[@meh2385]

It can't possibly be as bad as skim milk. Really, we shouldn't be drinking the stuff at all. The only reason humans can drink milk is because of some freaky mutation.

[@spinlok3943]

I love the way the Grocery Witch goes "...OH...." every time the kid protests some of her advice.

[@jakepullman4914]

That's her expression when she realizes she's going to have to murder a child. Disappointed, but resigned.

[@JoyfulOrb]

Freddie the cat makes his escape. I can Haz FREEDOM? I laughed so hard!

[@dawnkeller3123]

And Mr. B Natural if running to the ring with a folding chair

[@aclockworkapostle5884]

I'd love to see a three-way cage match between Grocery Witch, Coily the Spring Sprite, and the All-Powerful Paper Bag from Paper and I.

[@chillydawgg4354]

A 3 way?

[@bluethelucario6194]

‘Willy’s gonna have to shank a bitch!’

[@joeblack333]

Cmon, add in Mr B Natural as well. That way, the fight already has its own background score.

[@luisreyes1963]

My money is on the paper bag.

[@marccolten9801]

@@luisreyes1963 So you're saying that she couldn't punch her way out of a paper bag

[@MariktheGunslinger]

It's good to know when to buy in bulk, when to take freshness into account, when the inexpensive alternative is acceptable... You can't just buy the cheapest option all of the time. It might have something in it that's bad for you. Just spend the extra $5, man. Your body will thank you.

[@ElvenRaptor]

You mean I've been drinking liquified chalk for no reason?!

[@ElvenRaptor]

@@deanjustdean7818 Yeah, cheaper is not always better. Kind of like fast food vs. properly cooked homemade meals.

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

@@ElvenRaptor But your pee can be sidewalk art.

[@Virjunior01]

That's my deal with juice. I dropped coffee altogether and have some tea, an occasional ginger ale, but I'm steady drinking juice and water. I refuse to get that 5-10% juice crap, and am horrified by those maniacal Latino drinks with neon colors... kiwi tampico tastes good, but it's just sugar and manufactured chemicals...

[@janebyrne6463]

If you get something at a bargain price, but it goes bad, than it isn't a bargain. These days, I do most of my food shopping at Trader Joe's but when I'm at a regular market I often buy the store brand (and name brands when there's a good sale).

[@Rolld20]

As usual, the short leaves me with questions: Who was this originally made for? Was this advertised in some way to attract an audience of people seeking grocery-purchasing guidance? And who decided the best way to frame that advice was with an smug, judgmental, miserly sorceress, whose spirit guide seems to be Jacob Marley from Dicken's "Christmas Carol"?!

[@BGNOLA]

It was made to show when the home ec. teacher was hung over.

[@cyryc]

Maybe it was the "eat the bugs" campaign of the time.. or an energy crisis and the elite wanted to peddle eating like this so they get all the good steaks

[@meh2385]

The witch got to them before they could finish their comment.

[@BGNOLA]

This short leaves you with TWO questions! I got ONE answer! None of your damn business!✊

[@techboysf]

@@BGNOLA Thanks for clearing that up, Harry DeBauld!

[@erniemiller1953]

Powdered milk isn't a bargain anymore. It costs twice as much as non-powdered milk

[@MrArgus11111]

This is probably because: no one buys it except for baking once in a while. Because it is awful.

[@katemock8260]

I actually had powdered milk once when I was a kid. *Once* That stuff is disgusting!

[@janebyrne6463]

These days, you can get shelf-stable milk at any grocery store. It's not as good as regular milk, but would be a whole lot better than the powdered variety.

[@cygil1]

I actually bought several boxes of powdered milk and lived on them for the first two months of the covid lockdowns. By the end i'd rather have exposed myself to covid.

[@favoritemustard3542]

@@cygil1 mmmmm & oatmeal & rice & ramen oh my!

[@ackbarfan5556]

"Uncle Ben's gonna have to CUT A WITCH!!!" XD

[@acerumble]

Grocery Witch will be a playable class in the Dungeons and Dragons update

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

Clearly has maxed out Persuasion and… well not Charisma. Necromancy?

[@kendromeda42]

@@Panzer_the_Merganser Nah, conjuration since she can pull inexpensive foods out of thin air. Like a hexblade, but with powdered milk.

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

@@kendromeda42 Does a chaotic evil summon that fancy-schmancy prepackaged AND seasoned rice?

[@docwho2828]

@@kendromeda42 MY PATRON IS THE MIGHTY WALMART!!!

[@callumprice1710]

@@docwho2828 you joke but I've heard of people playing that

[@SwiftTrooper5]

Peter Frampton had a lot of range in the 70’s. He killed it in that floral dress!

[@hankw69]

I was in the local emergency room some years ago and thru the haze of very strong pain killers, overheard some interns speaking about needing help with the guy that was 'not constipated, but compacted'. A short time later I heard the loud, painful groaning of a distressed man and what I could only guess to be a small roto-rooter. He got louder and so did the motorized, medical device until a satisfactory result was achieved, I buried my head in the hard hospital pillow and tried to forget what I heard that day. For all that is holy, eat fiber and drink plenty of water...

[@shannaroe5189]

Imagine the relief that person felt when they finally expelled the brick that was in their colon...they probably felt 50 pounds lighter. And you ended up with nightmares (I would too!)

[@paintnamer6403]

When you are put on new meds that can happen!

[@luisreyes1963]

And you're sharing this, why...? 🤢

[@hankw69]

@@luisreyes1963 early in the video there was a mention of fiber and being compacted...

[@sachertorte1000]

At least it was through the haze of very strong painkillers, rather than hearing that while completely lucid.

[@blugold94]

The only comedians with the courage to do a Chester A. Arthur joke. Why I have loved them for decades and will always love them!

[@BGNOLA]

Only other one I can think of is Phil Silvers on Sgt Bilko.

[@lauranolastnamegiven3385]

Futurama had one, with Arthur's head in a jar, which fell off the shelf, "Chester A. Arthur fall down."

[@boobah5643]

@@lauranolastnamegiven3385 I rather suspect the 'joke' is that 'random president no one remembers fall down' rather than 'doesn't this random actor have facial hair that resembles Arthur's presidential portrait.' But _Futurama_ is often deeper than it first appears, so I'm prepared to be wrong.

[@setharnold9764]

Don't forget the time Lisa Simpson had Chester A. Arthritis!

[@BigApple2AM]

Oh my God I've been trying to remember the name of this absolute fever dream for YEARS. JOIN ME IN THE ABYSS OF SAVINGS

[@antoniojones5340]

"She's gone? Good - now we can toss all this crap and get the good stuff we picked out to begin with! What an intrusive bitch!"

[@GrampaTheGrunt62]

I want to see "the witch at the adult book store" short!

[@AmyLSacks]

Aka "The Witch In Gold Boots."

[@kendra_t]

Dirt Witch?

[@fromthecheapseats7126]

I feel like that would basically be Elvira.

[@DevinGates]

"Spying on your neighbors is a fraction of the cost of Skinemax, even less if you're not caught!"

[@andyjay729]

How do we know she doesn't have a side gig at the adult bookstore?

[@kazuoyumeno1759]

Mrs. Roper had a lot of free time after Stanley left her.

[@aaronz7056]

The witch is played by actress Pippa Scott, later one of the founders of Lorimar. She's been in loads of shows, and has worked tirelessly for various humanitarian causes. She's still with us, age 86.

[@zoeyrochellezhombie829]

Is SHE drinking powdered milk?

[@RuffianLivesOn]

She's gone now 😔

[@aaronz7056]

@@RuffianLivesOn Is she? I see no news on line about her passing?

[@Oppeldeldoc1]

I know her from a ton of things, but I never recognized her here.

[@BGNOLA]

"Fancy seasoned rice"? Yeah, I'm a regular J. Paul Getty, I am!

[@troytakesphotos]

Fancy Seasoned Rice?! What do you think we are, MILLIONAIRES?!

[@BGNOLA]

@@troytakesphotos well la de da, rice boy!

[@chillydawgg4354]

Talking about the specific costs of things in films & tv always ages well

[@cabooseresurrected5183]

This short pairs great with “House on Haunted Hill.”

[@johngulyas695]

Or with Bourbon

[@AnarchyDragon6]

I saw them both live in the theater! (It was paired that way IIRC) Never laughed so hard...

[@daelen.cclark]

Cheapness does not outweigh food quality.

[@bobbyfeet2240]

To be fair, some of these cheater things were probably legitimately better. The zucchini, possibly the pudding...

[@daelen.cclark]

@@bobbyfeet2240 But definitely not the powdered milk.

[@AmyLSacks]

@@bobbyfeet2240 Yeah. I've always assumed that canned pudding ends up tasting like the can it's packed in.

[@daelen.cclark]

@@AmyLSacks I wouldn’t know.

[@PhilinBrazil]

Literal Dollar Store Version of Madeline Khan and she brought second-hand store version Rob Reiner

[@AnarchyDragon6]

Well, they were trying to save money.

[@psycher7]

Oh good, I'm not the only one who thought she was giving off serious Madeline Khan vibes.

[@Oppeldeldoc1]

@@psycher7 The hairstyle makes me see Melinda Dillon in A CHRISTMAS STORY. Maybe nothing else about her, but the hairstyle.

[@Cheepchipsable]

Didn't really see the Kahn, but def the Reiner.

[@ianbarrow4087]

This is still one of my favorite shorts, and it comes from one of my happiest memories watching this live in the theaters. Thanks rifftrax.

[@Olinlb]

I was expecting a rob reiner/meathead joke at the frozen zucchini guy 🤣🤣

[@TheRogueWolf]

Darken the hair a little and you've got a fair resemblance!

[@BGNOLA]

They must've thought it was too obvious.

[@andyjay729]

And the guy looking for oatmeal looked a lot like Archie Bunker.

[@Born2bwire]

To hell with anyone that doesn't want to live like they're in the Depression.

[@ZC-Infinity]

Remember everyone! Don't buy anything for convenience, or because you don't have time to prepare a meal or simply can't cook! Buy the cheap stuff that relies completely on your ability to possess and measure exact ingredients and can take hours out of your day! Heck, don't take your car to a mechanic when it breaks down! Do it yourself! And don't spend hundreds on new car parts when duct tape will work just fine!

[@parrot998]

You know I could even get onboard with that if we changed society to facilitate it. Not having enough time to cook is a sign of our cultural issues and economic pressures more than anything else. And anyone can learn to cook well enough to feed themselves/their family given time even if they aren't particularly creative or chemistry savvy. Recipes exist for a reason.... HOWEVER... Some of her advice is objectively wrong. Sugared cereals don't just have sugar with them, they are very lightly glazed in it. Something you can't really achieve without factory equipment. At that point why even buy the cereal? Just buy the grain and puff or flake it yourself. Powdered milk has basically no nutritional value. It lacks the fat, which is not only where all the vitamins and other goods stuff are but is necessary for getting the consistancy of baked goods right. So it isn't "just as good" on any level, cooking or drinking. She mentions fresh zucchini is cheaper, and while she is correct, she forgets a few important factors: One: the breadcrumbs still cost money. 2: you can't just cover something in breadcrumbs and make it stick, you need a liquid binder, most commonly a suspension of milk and egg. You also need at least a little oil if it was baked. And if the zucchini was fried as opposed to baked you need to factor a whole jug of vegetable oil into the equation... Suddenly those savings ain't looking so rosy. The best thing one can do to actually save money as well as time is to, yes, cook, but buy and make things intelligently. It's better to shop smart than frugally. Aim for efficiency not price. Always try to incorporate the things you still have in your kitchen into your meal plans, and make in bulk when it does not adversely affect the quality too much. Esp if you want something a bit complicated to prep. Take frying something. It's best to fry for around 4 days of food since it helps pad out the cost of the oil when you get more meals out of it. Just remember to reheat at a low temp in the oven and give it a quick broil to keep it from going soggy. Also, if you save the saturated thoroughly fried flour goo at the bottom, it makes a brilliant base for gravies. If you make a bulk batch of pizza dough up to 9 days before you plan to use it all, not only does baking a pizza turn from a hastle to something almost as easy and quick to throw in as frozen, but towards the end of the batch you will get the well developed gluten and tang of a sour dough. A little smarts and you can eat like royalty on a relatively low budget. Sincerly, a REAL grocery witch.

[@parrot998]

@@peppermintsoy9846 Apparently somebody does, cuz I got a like somewhere down the line.

[@balalaikatana]

@@parrot998 Thank you for saying everything I couldn't. I swear to god, this short *triggers me*

[@choosecarefully408]

@@parrot998 Sticking to the "changes in society" is that a real concern? Or does everyone (well, you) prefer to keep believing that 'Government' acts as a real Living Individual who is a doddering Old Man who will fix everything for us in his own time so don't tempt His Anger by rushing him to stop oil pipelines now? Whenever people in Western society say they want something changed, I notice they mean "let's whine like helpless infants until Someone In Authority agrees to make the changes we want _for_ us." & they *also expect that* the individual politicians who _run_ government act as One Unimind instilled with the Benevolence of that father-figure mentioned above.

[@parrot998]

@@choosecarefully408 What are you even talking about??? Whoever said I have any respect for inherantly corrupt institutions? Or think individuals should have any coersive power over anyone else? I fundamentally reject hierarchy cuz on top of being wrong, it doesn't work! Cuz of the very things you highlighted! Individuals are very easily corrupted, manipulated, and most only act in self interest. I will admit it takes time to phase out such systems, but is it not possible that maybe we can phase out those institutions AND change culture at large? When I say society I'm not talking about authorities, I'm not talking about the government or businesses or organized religion, or any other coersive leech-like forces, I'm talking about people! People make up a society, not just those that seek to exploit or manipulate them, and people can decide what systems they will or will not accept. Because even with coersion, society is built off of consent... Either passive or active consent, but consent nonetheless... An authority everyone ignores has no power. If people don't wanna accept the awful terms businesses foist upon them they can refuse to play along... In fact we're seeing a taste of that right now... Low unemployment, yet a "labor shortage" according to big business... Hmmm... I wonder how that could be? Do you seriously think the only choices are to wallow in our own systemic ineffectiveness, or wallow in our own systemic ineffectiveness and not whine about it? Cuz if so, you have another thing coming! People can't fight oil pipelines effectively because it is reinforced by institutions we aren't effectively fighting against. You gotta target causes not symptoms. Cuz if you can eliminate the advantages of piping oil, the economic incentives, the subsidies, the easy access to land, people won't! But bandaging every tiny symptom is a losing proposition. You shut down this pipeline? The system will create another one somewhere else! Change starts with working smart not necessarily working the hardest. Eventually, if we win the right battles, if we educate enough people, if we fight our unjust systems, we have a chance to become our own government. All of us. Every single person voting on collective policies. Maybe a semi-autonomous emergency system for foreign affairs and domestic violence... Accountable to the people but able to take quick action when necessary. But other than that, we are more than capable to decide for ourselves how our society works. We just need to keep the world from burning long enough to achieve it.

[@derekshropshire2513]

I'm just upset the Count Chocula was right there and that wasn't his go to cereal.

[@kanna-san.]

I miss Fruity Brute

[@robertstuart480]

I have a craving for Breaded Zucchini now, you monsters!

[@chillydawgg4354]

Don't you DARE buy frozen zucchini

[@Cheepchipsable]

Absolutely never heard of that product - it sound terrible tbh.

[@MuffinHunterX]

Dont buy those sliced apples when you could- Lady I am knowing and willingly paying for the convenience of someone else's labor to enjoy a snack that I would otherwise find to be a pain in the butt by eating around the core. Good day to you madam. But- I SAID GOOD DAY!

[@KentheDeer]

1:58 "YOUR SOUL IS MINE!"

[@elphieofkiamoko]

How dare that woman stand there and act like powdered milk isn't the #1 export of hell?!

[@paulherman5822]

Powdered milk is of the Devil, and is generally the more expensive option today.

[@nitrokid]

One thing that the She-Devil didn't consider that maybe products with fancy packaging and higher price probably has *better* quality than the cheaper ones, and sometimes people just want to indulge themselves.

[@kenthuang436]

I still remember the time I bought the generic store brand laundry detergent because it was literally the cheapest one on the shelf and somehow my whites which weren’t too dirty looking and still a bit white but a still a bit dull looking ended up looking a lot dirtier and as if I never washed them and had been wearing them nonstop for years. They had become the color of dirty mop water and it was awful. Everyone that saw my white shirts that now looked dirty all thought that I wasn’t doing any laundry when that wasn’t even the case!

[@deborahschell5722]

This along with Good Health Practices are 2 of my favorite shorts.

[@stephaniemorrissey123]

"Look, let me finish, you brain-dead punk!!" is something I want to yell AT LEAST once a day as a teacher.

[@UncleTusky]

I'm looking forward to the inevitable reality-bending mascot crossover. Mr. B Natural, Coily, Paper Bag, Grocery Witch - all of them powerful and invasive beings, using frightening lessons to sway people's opinions towards their own selfish goals. The Offenders Initiative, coming this fall.

[@typacsk]

More potatoes, Uncle Tusky?

[@PhoenixHealing]

They bring Guardiana in as a surprise Ringer!

[@bridgetsilver7332]

Offenders - ASSEMBLE!!

[@dawa7267]

'There was an idea...' A really bad one. 🤪 YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO DIE!!

[@dzhellek]

I can just imagine scooping pudding into a ziploc bag and packing it in my kid's lunch.

[@joeblack333]

Thanks for posting this. I was having a really crappy day & this cheered me up

[@cigoLxeL]

Unfortunately, because I wanted _seasoned_ rice and not plain, the separate ground cumin, chili powder, oregano, garlic powder, onion powder & chicken stock I then had to buy to go with it brought my total rice savings to -$23.64. This is why we burn witches, people.

[@luisostasuc8135]

um, the point is you can get like 5 boxes of rice for that much, with a serving size of maybe 2 each, or you can get all those, once, and get 20+ servings for about the same price. spices are dry and don't go bad quickly. it's kind of the whole point of spices

[@janebyrne6463]

I usually buy my seasonings at Trader Joe's or CVS where it's cheaper. Also, if you're in a supermarket like Safeway or Giant, you can usually find seasonings like Garlic powder in the ethnic section for a lower price than in the spice aisle.

[@HyruleSwordsman94]

We actually don't; accused witches were hanged in America.

[@tophers3756]

​@@luisostasuc8135 a) it was a joke, and b) jarred spices start diminishing in quality the minute you open them. Especially if you don't use specific spices often it's better to just buy a mix.

[@Cheepchipsable]

@@luisostasuc8135 Yes, you build up a stock of spices which last for ages.

[@NathanTarantlawriter]

The kid's arms getting yanked out of his sockets had me lol.

[@lauranolastnamegiven3385]

ACTING!

[@dewdropfaery]

"Beard completer? Worth a shot..."

[@usuallydead]

7:01 Mike's delivery here never fails to ruin me with laughter.

[@Erik_Swiger]

She makes Mr. B Sharp seem subtle and dignified.

[@kendawson375]

Mr. B is hot!

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

She interned with Coily… in HELL.

[@svenylford4047]

@@Panzer_the_Merganser noo packaged foods 🎶

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

@@svenylford4047 Nooooo coily fries!

[@BGNOLA]

@@Panzer_the_Merganser Grocery Witch would approve of the Spring Fever guy fixing his couch instead of throwing it out, but then again, couches are so expensive! Sitting on the floor is much cheaper!

[@secondplaceisthefirstloser5000]

I almost lost what I was drinking when they said "YOUR SOUL IS MINE" 🤣

[@sethortiger]

Pudding cups? What are we, millionaires?

[@angiewebster4683]

Oh my god, my mom bought into the nonfat dry milk scam back in the 70s and I blame this

[@BGNOLA]

"Nonfat Dry Milk Scam" sounds like the name of an album by The Fall.

[@darrellminx5459]

One of my favorite shorts.

[@cynaptyc]

"Join me in the Abyss of Savings" I'm going to have to use that one at work!!!!

[@cynaptyc]

@@coreyhutton478 maybe?!

[@flyingkage]

Buying in bulk does have it's perks and does allow you to have more freedoms in what you can do with them. But one must take into account how much time and effort it does take as well as some planning to insure that nothing fresh goes to waste. None the less there is a time and a place for powered milk and that's a never for me. I've done it once and dollar store milk was better tasking than that.

[@markiangooley]

If you can get quart boxes of shelf-stable milk at Dollar Tree it’s only slightly more expensive than quart packets of nonfat dry milk bought at the best price, and way less trouble. Local recycling might not be able to handle the empties, but nothing’s perfect. Nonfat dry milk is nasty. Last I bought any was as an ingredient for bread machine bread.

[@jonathanwashington6083]

But I thought Henry Slenkman taught us that was bad. 😁

[@cgraham6]

I'm going to try this next time I'm at the grocery. Grandstanding and telling everyone not to buy the expensive stuff. See how long it takes to get thrown out.

[@wstine79]

Of course she loves saving money. She also doubles as Richie Rich's mother.

[@djay6651]

That surgary cereal turned that kid into Sloth...

[@Idol76]

You don't deserve oatmeal.

[@BGNOLA]

"I CAN HAZ FREEDOM?"🐈‍⬛

[@losttimegaming]

"OBEY ME!!!" lol never fails to get a laugh

[@HyruleSwordsman94]

“Powdered milk is just as good as regular milk.” Look, I can put up with your Satanic powers, but don’t lie to my face.

[@VincentMariethe4th]

"Here we have early record of the Karen in her natural habitat, completely unable to mind her own damn business..."

[@ajs3994]

You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat.

[@Panzer_the_Merganser]

How can you have your pudding, if you don’t eat your breaded zucchini!?!

[@89horizon]

Store manager: "Holy crap our profits have gone down 80% in a week! How can this be?" Assistant manager: "Apparently some witch has been telling everyone to buy cheaper products and not the more expensive stuff." Store manager: "Have you been sniffing glue again, Jerry?"

[@kenthuang436]

Gee I don’t know if I should buy the cheapest stuff at the store. Last time I bought the lowest costing laundry soap, my clothes got dirtier somehow and people thought that I was homeless!

[@cita_m]

The grocery witch reminds me of me when I was younger. We had a lot of financial instability growing up, and when I moved out, I learned to really save at the grocery store. It was a skill I was really proud of, and I pushed it on all my friends and family. It was a cringey time.... Now I have two kids and I just don't have the time or energy to spend on that anymore. I'm still frugal, though!

[@mngarrison]

And the powdered milk that they give you from the food bank makes a soothing milk bath!

[@TheDarkOne508]

Buying zucchini is a money saving alternative for other more expensive phallic objects.

[@scbentertainment9305]

When Mrs. Roper takes a grocery store hostage😂

[@jjwubs1638]

You have to wonder how that conversation went. "Yes, hello, we are planning to make a short film about how people spend too much on fancy food items and we are to point out the cheaper options. If people follow up on what they get to see in this movie, about half of your assortment isn't going to sell anymore, and profit margins will possibly decline. So we were wanted to ask : could we film in your supermarket?"

[@nitrokid]

Store management: "I thought we killed her the last time she was here! Grab your weapons! Stop that witch!"

[@algomaone121]

She’s also a shoplifter...

[@kanna-san.]

Wynona Ryder impression: spot on

[@rothloaf1980]

When the witch faces the camera, I feel like I'm looking at a fish. Edit: Kevin killed me with the Uncle Ben line.

[@RustyMuck]

The sepia tone sells the utter dreariness like nothing else

[@BGNOLA]

They got the cinematographer for The Godfather in on this project.

[@finalunusedname]

"Don't spend that extra four cents on things you like! Save that money for something worthwhile, like producing filmstrips where witches berate people for not being cheap enough and slowly screw over your local grocery store!" Can the witch kidnap people!? "Ha. She sure can, Billy. She suuuure can!" Why only one ha? "Why! That second ha costs nearly twice as much and it conveys laughter only a little better!" You hate being you, don't you? "...yeah."

[@bobalinx8762]

The first riff in and I’m already laughing out loud!

[@Buzzygirl63]

I love this short!

[@docwho2828]

Ha! I didn't know you say ,, Gesundheit " in the U.S. ! Thought that was a german thing!Funny!🙂

[@xochimilco4142]

Bewitched is going to sue somebody.

[@Magic_beans_]

Powdered milk sucks for two reasons, both of which can be helped if not totally fixed: 1) It’s almost always skim milk. Which, as prominent scholars have noted, is water that’s lying about being milk. If you can add even a little bit of fat, say a shot of coffee creamer, that’ll help immensely. 2) Letting the reconstituted milk rest for a few hours cuts way down on the chalkiness, and helps the flavor a bit too. [Why bother in the first place? Well, most of you don’t need to. Dry milk isn’t as cheap as it used to be compared to regular milk. Still, if you live in a dorm where fridge space is at a premium or a really rural area where supply shipments can be sporadic, shelf-stable options can help maintain some level of variety in your diet.]

[@l.a.gothro3999]

Is that Ann Elder? Nope, it's Pippa Scott!

[@bradhoward2410]

9:37 Kevin’s Uncle Ben line is too hilarious😂