Safety Driving Gameplay and Commentary

[@vertigofrost1505]

"sits completely still and has guy walk into him" Velocity of crash is 122 km/h

[@wszczeklypiesz]

That guy was walking really fast.

[@weebwubb9569]

i died

[@coolmasterx5707]

that man was "the flash"

[@FeatherSlowfall]

The guy was so fast that it made the ilusion that he was walking normally

[@elvishendrix676]

@@FeatherSlowfall 😂

[@alolanstarboy]

*looks at a pile of narcotics* "Yeah that looks like something you might accidentally take on you way to work"

[@ryanshiver9044]

Depends where you work

[@swordscar6278]

Police or work from home

[@kellyperez7599]

If you’re a drug dealer or el chapo

[@roflwatanoob]

Does during work count?

[@IncredulousMisanthrope]

@@countbooga6997 really?....must've been a shite place then...

[@targz_]

I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs. Every afternoon I break my arms. Every evening when I drive into a wall at the speed of light I die of cardiac arrest.

[@RabidXCpanda]

holy fuck you got me

[@clyax113]

Same!

[@TheDr502]

Nice Spongebob reference.

[@brandonveltri2825]

"Every night I die of encefalon injuries"

[@Bossay6]

I was born with no Bones and no skin

[@DiseasedMoss]

I think the drugs you select actually determine what the diagnosing doctor is on and not the victim

[@clyax113]

XD

[@crixuss4059]

DiseasedMoss No I think it's bugged cause it says the velocity is like 122 km/h when sitting still

[@ekswfrenwn7]

Holy fuck, this comment is so underrated

[@antton9623]

Meizar Farizky Alcohol is a drug. According to my doctor's diagnose I died from cardiac arrest that was caused by severe facepalming.

[@DaMultiParallel]

Great out-of-the-box thinking there!

[@cb1671]

The programmers of this game must have suffered an Encephalon injury.

[@Subsandsoda]

+Chris Barbati encefalon*

[@Kazu_Katto]

+Chris Barbati i fell my chair and suffered the same fate while watching this

[@jacobadams8289]

lmao

[@Oscar4u69]

a cardiac arrest after finishing it

[@yumatsukumo8823]

Nah, they died do to cardiac arrest

[@boorhyne1837]

I blinked and had fatal encephalon injuries. I am surprised I survived.

[@emanatingf]

@Boo Rhyne Damn you should be more careful next time. That was a close call!

[@pizzaboydelivery8978]

imagine if you breathed that would not be good

[@Sourcy]

Today I accidentally bumped on someone I suffered major encefalon injuries and lost two legs.

[@marshawn_ing]

Lucky. I did that but lost three legs.

[@SuperSimputer]

Damn, that sounds like some severe phisical damage.

[@DetectiveNyx]

I lost all 8 legs. I've also been squished into the road so badly I died from cardiac arrest.

[@schem4686]

I accidentally dropped 3 hits of ex

[@waffles5354]

@@DetectiveNyx are you an octopus

[@ceering99]

*all limbs detach and spasm around crazily after smashing into a wall and then hitting the ground* Cardiac arrest

[@lych2102]

PONYO.

[@danyilbutsenko6339]

Encephalon injury

[@stanstanstan2597]

PONYO

[@Bobhhhhhuufr]

@@lych2102 memories

[@Crpjnr]

**elbow and shoulder booboos**

[@Saint_basher]

I tripped on the way to school and I'm physically paralysed

[@asperRader]

shows

[@h4ze-z5y]

F

[@Ruxbrid]

Greaves 0404 F

[@SmeekUnoticed]

You sure it wasn't an encephalon injury?

[@m4tthemad912]

Yea well im mentally paralysed

[@projectthesinner]

Today I accidentally ran into a wall and died from cardiac arrest

[@ech0892]

Rough day

[@Sourcy]

Casual friday for me

[@targz_]

Project The Sinner man I hate it when that happens

[@clyax113]

Best diary entry.

[@BritishEmpireV2.0]

Casual everyday life

[@1BergerVongSchlauigkeitHer]

>fatal injuries Don't worry guys, just prop him up in a wheelchair, it'll be fine.

[@itsumayo]

Just staple that bad boy to a chair, stick some wheels on it, and duct tape him back together. $50,000,000 please.

[@B_MacLevy]

I'm an actual doctor (for serious) and I found these injuries to be quite correct, Mr. Cr1TiKaL. For example, if your head literally goes inside your body, that isn't a head or neck injury. You see, the force of the head hitting the shoulder blade causes you to die from a cardiac arrest. That's just the facts.

[@B_MacLevy]

Dario Apodaca What university did you go to? You are clearly on 3 joints, 3 hallucinogenic substances, and 3 cocaines.

[@Rekindled_Ninja]

I can confirm. I am this man's partner. We had a patient that went feet first into a wall at 300 mph. His head went into his body and he died of cardiac arrest.

[@B_MacLevy]

EquilibriumNinja Ah, Dr. Ninjy! Thank you for clearing this up!

[@chilicookoff2017]

Bill McKelvey fucking nerd

[@B_MacLevy]

SUPSTEP Supstepic Oh, don't take your frustration out on me. Just be... patient.

[@itachiuchiha667ful]

*Falls from 12 ft* Yep,I'd say it was cardiac arrest that killed him. *gets shot* Severe case of cardiac arrest,obviously. *burned alive* Now I'm not saying it's cardiac arrest... But it's definitely cardiac arrest.

[@lughfiregod16]

*Heart attack* Seems to be an encefalon injury.

[@ddjanji]

I hate being that guy, but cardiac arrest is most probably the final cause of death in all of those conditions

[@lughfiregod16]

djangio It could also be brain failure.

[@ddjanji]

Jane Murphy it surely could, but it requires direct damage to the brain, while cardiac arrest is easily triggered by a lot of other conditions. didn't want to start a debate tho, lol

[@prestonabraham7895]

anal contusion

[@xXDJLEE02Xx]

Hey, do NOT joke about encefalon injuries and cardiac arrest. Its no laughing matter. My friend stubbed his toe and got a encephalon injury, and another one died of cardiac arrest after getting a paper cut.

[@BrasTak0]

epic

[@lvuhz]

I thought this was a serious comment for a sec

[@swordscar6278]

ZachLv ya same

[@platinumbrick6]

What an epic gamer moment

[@darkdiamonds4337]

By epic games

[@manfulify]

Fun fact: This video was uploaded the same day I was in an ACTUAL CAR CRASH, and I still laughed my ass off that night

[@alexmullins7205]

+gameboy yes.

[@jmmjjmmjjmmj]

Or a fever.

[@clyax113]

Glad it made you feel better!

[@ksinju9758]

Fun fact : I don't think so.

[@ayanoaishi2733]

Did your vehcile "make scrap iron out of it"

[@DaVince21]

4:07 "Fatal encephalon injuries, losing all sensory" If it's fatal you lose a bit more than all "sensory". You lose your _life_. Get that corpse out of the wheelchair.

[@CumaruNaegiXD]

True. It must suck though.

[@jakecheesman2883]

DaVince21 not necessarily true.. people who are brain dead can continue to survive

[@pedroasif6844]

Yes but it mentions 'fatal', which means you die from it.

[@jorge8596]

@@jakecheesman2883 there are lots of examples of that on the internet

[@violentthoughts05]

lmaoooo

[@snots2k6]

For these 10+ years of joy thanks bro from Kevin in ireland

[@jareddaly9552]

"He died from... titty deflation!" I've been crying laughing for 10 minutes.

[@itsumayo]

Trauma to the nipples is a very serious problem that trillions die from every year

[@dwaynejohnson4085]

turn into steven hawking with these easy steps!

[@IohsmdIglomdrnIjsmsIhafmIafmli]

In 4 hours and 20 and 666 turbo seconds

[@toastytoaster974]

1,2,5,20,62...just all the steps!

[@IfYouAintBalsac]

I did 1 marijuana and I lost 17 fingers. Tell my story

[@YTMLP]

+The Trolliest Troll done. your tale will live on through the ages.

[@rainaltmae4555]

i sucked one cock and lost my ass

[@horsepaste]

I stubbed my toe and died from encephalon injuries

[@fxmaster2571]

+Monokuma But you're Monokuma! You surely have a backup right?

[@horsepaste]

+FXMaster Well, I had to type the comment somehow, right!

[@thenthapple]

Scooter, quickest way to moisten a situation ;)

[@jimblinovods5006]

Yep

[@cave6300]

Holy crap your here? I'm a big fan of your Fallout Lore videos. :D

[@thenthapple]

Jamal Niga Glad to hear it :) No idea what jack was saying thanks for though XD

[@HankLovesPropane]

Jamal Niga thanks

[@thenthapple]

HankLovesPropane thanks

[@WinterMadness]

My friend once injected 3 marijuanas and died of cardiac arrest. Don't do drug.

[@justinturnsvirtual]

whiteboiniggaz? what kinda name is that, are you a jew?

[@GetTheFO]

No, silly. He's a leper.

[@pilidod]

Another sad story: My friend Amanda was out at a party when she injected 4 meths. She died instantly from a broken leg.

[@Ohrami]

+painfulpacman don't you mean encefalon injuries

[@MarkinhoO]

painfulpacman A friend of my red fish once injected a screwdriver and became the president of Congo

[@timmytacoburrito]

One of my favorite videos from long ago :) crazy to see how big Charlie has gotten. Never showed his face for years, and now he’s out here showing us everything. Thank you for so many great years, and with no end in sight!

[@dumbautisticmutt]

He fell off hard tbh. I've been a fan for over a decade...

[@ShadowRonan]

sounds like he flopped his dick out lol

[@ohchip]

​@@dumbautisticmuttwhat the fuck are you talking about

[@IronFreakV]

I like how the GTA series simulated drunk driving, even though it was a very minor part of the game, better that this game whose whole existence is dedicated to it.

[@Appleboy78165]

The other day, I bumped lightly into someone at school. Then I died of a pulmonary injury and cardiac arrest.

[@Kyrkeo]

I'm not actually interested in your comment I'm just here to let you know you watched this video 6 years ago

[@dogdillon2]

Damn this is a 7 year old comment now

[@silent_bob_]

Accidentaly bumped into another person today. Type of car accident: FRONTAL CRASH Velocity impact: 144km/h make scrap iron out of it Driver phisical damage: encefalon injuries

[@sierraacharlie]

death from cardiac arrest

[@FearMonarch]

"I'm sober as a gopher" XD

[@MrRachter]

The first time I saw this in 2014 I had never laughed so hard in my entire life, I was literally crying. This is pure gold.

[@ekswfrenwn7]

That was the case with me when I first discovered Cr1tikal back in 2010, with the QWOP and Action 52 videos. I was crying from laughter when I watched these videos

[@legalizebombing]

You have suffered encephalon injuries for crying

[@kristenc.1736]

I watched this and I thought I couldn't make it through. How does he not laugh at this kind of stuff?! I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and I fell off my chair. I wonder if that doctor is gonna amputate my leg or say i died from cardiac arrest :P

[@Choc_rush]

+Ms Majestic17 I think he records gameplay then commentates on it, not both at the same time.

[@quigglesmcgiggles]

+ChocRush nah. He used to do that, I'm pretty sure he doesn't anymore

[@Stanskonski12]

+Ms Majestic17 I've only seen him laugh once and that was at the food fight video.

[@shotgun6X]

+ChocRush He did that when he was "teaching" people to play Modern Warfare. This continued for a point but it stopped long ago.

[@big_cheese_guy]

encefalon

[@hobowithamansion42]

I laughed so hard that I got encephalon injuries.

[@WarriorsCats321]

i suffered cardiac arrest

[@8BitMisdreavus]

I suffered an elbow booboo

[@errortryagainlater4240]

My leg came off and fell on the floor, so standard case of pulmonary injuries.

[@calypsom5797]

Encefalon*

[@nado1908]

This is still one of my favorite Critikal videos, the commentary and game are peak Critikal.

[@BananaPhoPhilly]

Yeah honestly I think his best videos are still mostly from his letsplay era lol

[@TheSolBlader]

Yeah I love the guy but still hate that he became just another vlogger with a fan base full of normies

[@kensley94]

@@TheSolBlader Are you an OG viewer also? Nowadays its seems that the majority of newer generation Penguinz0 viewers are in greater numbers.

[@obeseperson]

Ayup I still like the guy but I can’t watch any of the newer stuff. These old videos are pure gold

[@faurier]

Yeah, don't enjoy anything he does lately, least of all his streams It's too bad, but things change

[@no1janembafan]

4:25 when you hit that guy, you were going 2-3 km/h, but on the injury screen it says 122km/h. WAT

[@manletchief]

Patrick Townsend encefalon injury is behind this case

[@magmivire]

Patrick Townsend And then he bounces off a curb and crashes into the 2nd story wall of a building and that was 86 km/h with only some face injuries.

[@synx5196]

that was the speed of the guys fist hitting critikals encefalon. he was truly a martial arts god

[@no1janembafan]

True Warrior that would make sense

[@lacie562]

Yeah!! I thought he must have edited the screen in but nope LOL.

[@striderkiwi2]

Bumps into car. That's an Encephelon Injury! Walks into pedestrian's shoulder. Definitely an Encephelon Injury! Arm flies off. Oh that's easy. That's a...oh. Apparently it's also an Encephelon Injury... Trips. Another Encephelon Injury...seriously!? Ripped apart particle by particle through a space-time singularity. Oh of course! Encephelon Injury! That's just...yep........

[@CFPHGamer]

**dies from encefelon injury** _Doctor: That's definitely Cardiac Arrest.._

[@therealwillsmith]

Bump into car, That's a paddlin. Walk into pedestrian's shoulder, That's a paddlin. Arm flies off, Oh you better beleive that's a paddlin.

[@Armendicus]

*Gets hit by a missile* Erectile dysfunction,definitely ._

[@blackczer123]

sneezes by chance (Definite signs of color blindness)

[@Noahreed98]

You spelled encephalon wrong

[@davemonkey26]

This video gave me an encefalon injury.

[@Mustardgas74]

I imagine this same doctor would walk into a scene where someone accidentally set off a bomb they made and say "wow, pretty bad case of cardiac arrest." when all that's left of the man is dust and a shadow on the wall. "Maybe some pulmonary damage. He was probably coughing during the heart attack"

[@Supermutant6112]

*Stands over mangled remains of body torn to pieces. Sips coffee.* "What do you make of this?" "Well, I'd say that he hit the wall and exploded into pieces like a Mr Potato Head being thrown against the sidewalk." "Poor fucker must've died instantaneously." "No, he probably survived this for a few seconds. However, the mental trauma from being torn to pieces probably caused his heart to give out. Put him down for cardiac arrest."

[@filipdudek5092]

i still think its the best critical video

[@jakecheesman2883]

filip dudek it will never beat papas burgeria 😂😂😂

[@starboiklem8381]

man you wont believe what happened...today in the morning i stepped on a lego brick and suffered encefalon injuries and now i have to spend the rest of my life on life support

[@Zerker161]

Just discovered this guy The sarcasm is perfection

[@CassiusColeman]

I fell out of my chair from laughing- please, someone make this guy famous.

[@JohrnyReport]

+Cassius Coleman because 1.250 million is nothing

[@CassiusColeman]

Of course it is- but bigger than that. He needs to take the world by storm with his cow fascination...

[@churfiresmith6261]

+Cassius Coleman He needs to be Mrs. Universe.

[@IronFreakV]

+Cassius Coleman Most KZbinrs I used to follow became worse and worse the more subs they got in the end. So personaly I'd like this channel to remain as it is.

[@m-6820]

+Ville Tågefelt He's probably the kind of guy who wouldn't change even after a large number of subscribers. His channel has been consistently funny for a number of years.

[@tommasobergamaschi4277]

I used to play this game with my mates back in school in Italy, when we were 11 yo or something. It was labeled as education so somehow we had it on the class pc. It was fun as hell, we used to compete in getting the guy as stoned as possible and injure them the most. Nice to see it again on your channel, it's somehow nostalgic

[@nightfury2986]

6:59 "fatal encephalon injuries, losing all sensory" "oh, you're dead? Better put you in a wheelchair!!!! Hmm.... i wonder if you can still feel when you're dead... let's ask the doctor!"

[@sasukesnake07]

gotta go fast

[@Blizzard199X]

2fast2quick

[@ChristopherHari]

FOH, Weaboo

[@MrSircharles05]

Running around at the speed of sound

[@squinky1825]

He was traveling at speeds of over 18 lightspeeds per sanic

[@abenav]

I WATCH YOUR AQW VIDEOS I LOVE THEM. I SUBBED. YOUR CHANNELS POPS UP WHEN I SEARCH UP JUST 'AQW' WHICH STANDS FOR ADVENTURE QUEST WORLDS. AND NOW YOU HAVE TOP COMMENT ON A CR1TIKAL VIDEO. I LOVE YOU MAN YOU MAKE THE BEST CONTENT.

[@bluegreen10000]

I love how it’s supposed to be a video on safe driving and he turns it into a contest on how many injuries he can inflict upon himself.

[@basedsmoke591]

this is still my favorite penguinz0 video

[@jasonh2300]

*Flies 242km/h (150mph) into a wall, pretty much destroying all my bones and internal organs on impact* *dies from cardiac arrest* "Physics"

[@fuzzyapplepie6940]

today my dog bit my face and I was rushed to the hospital with encefalon injuries

[@belkaberserk]

fuzzy apple pie encePHalon, he even said F was wrong.

[@mrlolster2144]

I'm pretty sure it's intentional

[@ifuckanimegirls7706]

fuzzy apple pie funny joke

[@matthewmullinax6026]

A butterfly landed on me... Two minutes later I was in the hospital with encefalon injuries

[@flashmozzg]

PHunny joke!

[@user-ee7by4uy2k]

i poked myself with a pencil by accident and broke my ribcage.

[@pizzaboy2242]

Came back after 10 million, after all these years this is still my favourite video

[@northyegarden]

7:05 "Must have been a small glacier" Made my day

[@TheImmenseFence]

Haha the fucking full house, who the fuck does 3 joints, 3 lines of coke and 3 ecstasy- not even charlie sheen would touch that

[@z3wb]

hahahahaabullshit man bullshit.

[@shanehiggers]

He's on a drug, its called *charlie sheen*

[@tommy-xi7pb]

Well... Roses are red, Violets are green, Welcome to the party, Im Charlie Sheen.

[@justinturnsvirtual]

HA! someone's never been clubbing, try weed all night, drinks, molly, coke, and ketamine. Thats what most people do when they got money and go clubbing

[@Randomness65535]

I'm pretty sure mixing so much cocaine and ecstasy is a bad idea, more so with cannabis on top of it.

[@ABlackGuyTalksAbout]

GTA III dirt bike sounds for the scooter. Never forget.

[@064razor]

+A Black Guy Talks About I knew it wasn't just me hearing the sanchez sounds from the scooter

[@moidar9454]

+A Black Guy Talks About .. mums bagget'

[@godzioevo]

Fail, GTA 3 didn't have any bikes. How did 60 people thumb that up?

[@ABlackGuyTalksAbout]

DoctorBenz 3, vice city, same difference.

[@godzioevo]

A Black Guy Talks About That comment made literally no sense. What does "same difference" even mean? III and Vice City are 2 different games, released a year apart. besides the sound effect on this game ain't from Vice City's 'Sanchez' anyway. It seems 60 people want to believe that they remember old GTA games but were probably 5yo at the time and have 0 actual recollection of the gameplay. Either way, all of you are incorrect.

[@lobsterlover4153]

I'm watching this while recovering from Encephalon injuries

[@FalconRS]

Did someone hit you with steel elbow during slow walk?

[@dillpackle2386]

Encefalon*

[@bloocrayonbox5346]

The delivery on "now we can make a responsible decision" kills me years later

[@dildoswaggins9955]

I stubbed my toe and died from encephalon injuries

[@HeathenMetalhead221]

This is the cr1tikal I miss

[@draguladriver]

5:18 mans really said ":fling"

[@JunKazamaFan]

"Are you assholing my cockhead right now?" has just entered my list of favorite Cr1TiKaL lines. Good Lord, that had me laughing so hard!

[@obamaprism3824]

Me: gets a scratch, The doctor: I am afraid you have an encefalon injury

[@AwsomeNinja45]

Watched while shitting and I couldn't wipe my ass from laughing so hard.

[@Bacon_Hamilton]

ClassicJackal Talk about a cardiac arrest.

[@snuffles5897]

Were you drinking four beers?

[@buzzboy3106]

+ClassicJackal It is likely that you had lost your motor abilities after suffering from that last encephalon injury.

[@__Mamu_]

6:36 that is the most editing I've seen from Charlie

[@IDSearcher]

What's the song name when the text "Song: Daysend - Breathe it In" appears?

[@nathiopental]

i know your game, you're trying to make me reply with darude - sandstorm. well, i ain't falling for that one

[@thebaker525]

Encefalon-Injury

[@Antifrost]

thebaker525 You're my hero.

[@occiferjehons2329]

Through fires and flames - Dragonfart

[@thebaker525]

***** "Too little too late, talking dog."

[@iblobtouch]

"Oh we can ride if we want to! We can leave our friends behind" "Cause if your friends don't ride and if they don't ride well they're no friends of mine" "We can ride" "We can sing!" This is what i thought of when i saw the title.

[@DingoXBX]

charlie: stubs his toe doctor: e n c e p h a l l o n i n j u r y

[@caitskey]

6:27 omfg I'm trying so hard not to piss my pants from laughing so hard

[@MrYappo]

"To infinity and beyond I suppose" -Cr1tikal New favorite line

[@Webberjo]

Oh my gosh, that Max Payne 1 moment cracked me up so hard.

[@OGTripleTriple]

Whoever made this game needs to snap back to reality.

[@jakepelletier2955]

OGTripleTriple oh, there goes gravity

[@kimurain6956]

Jake Pelletier but did a rabbit choke somewhere

[@Lysergic_]

@@kimurain6956 those aren't the lyrics

[@Taco_Comrade]

I miss this Critickal.

[@Homie0_0]

i like how he probably waited till he was 21 to play a game like this

[@InternetsBeloved]

>Get walked into from a dead stop >122 Km/h impact >Make scrap iron out of your bike

[@Chase_Mon3y]

miss videos like these

[@TheLastFBIagent]

Straight funny, no drama. Still love the current critikal though, I just don’t watch his newer vids as much as these silly time capsules

[@epsilonadept7301]

*gets gored and splattered into pieces and brain matter all over the road* Doctor: It's definitely Coronavirus...

[@rodrigomontoya8653]

doctor henry is definitely the one giving out this diagnosis

[@jameswelsh2621]

That was funny!! Decided to go back through some of charlie's old videos and I have NOT been disappointed!! 10/10 [Genuinely Laughed Out Loud]

[@gandalf1753]

I highly recommend hybrid heaven and animated perfection if you havent seen them, my favorites of his.

[@jameswelsh2621]

@@gandalf1753 Thanx mate, genuinely appreciated. My favourite "Charlism" so far has been: [While playing a paticularly difficult game] "This game makes me want to buy bowling shoes and then cut my feet off so I cant use them" 🤣 I'll check them out in a bit.

[@SaintGat99]

Cr1tikal! Play Pyongyang Racer! It's a North Korean driving game where you drive around picking up buckets of gasoline!

[@ChristopherHari]

Sounds like a hell of a party

[@miiiikku]

There is gasoline in North Korea?

[@TheGoodMasterZiaolin]

What baffles me is the fact that North Korea produces video-games.

[@atomheartother]

Sounds exhilarating.

[@GetTheFO]

The North Korean government has its own rip off of tablets and phones, which the state furnishes with rip off apps and such. Does the US gov't give us tablets and shit? No, they don't. I'm moving to North Korea.

[@Bang-Ai146]

6:16 "good quote"

[@Zerviscos]

Description should be "greatest encefalon injuries of all time."

[@alexdevisscher6784]

I thought I was going to die, I laughed so hard! I had to stop the video several times to catch my breath. That was hilarious.

[@MrKeolee]

I better be careful not to bump my elbow on someone or else I'll get an 'encefalon' injury!

[@unknownedleaf]

5:06 holy shit is that a tesla cybertruck

[@TheMusicMaestro]

LMAO

[@HoddToward-k2e]

I saw that and thought the same exact thing.

[@coenraadvanessen2311]

Me: *stubs my toe* Game: *E N C E F A L O N I N J U R I E S*

[@trumpeterjen]

I think one of my favorite things about Cr1tikal's channel is that he never lingers on one game too long; there's never a part 2, so you'll never get bored of one of his playthroughs.

[@zhongxiaoed]

yknow i don’t know what it is but this is the one video i always come back to whenever i feel down because hearing this guy yell about how that definitely wasn’t an encephalon injury makes me laugh way too hard. thanks dude

[@goblin7230]

im going to breaking bad

[@joeBivren]

" 6 glasses of wine, Okay let's calm down there robert parker jr." this is why i love cr1tikal

[@mustangwolf1997]

I jumped on this first chance I got. Four days no sleep, looks like another restless night, fuck it. Let's play some games. Searching through my Steam library, I quickly came to the conclusion that I have played everything into oblivion. Where could I POSSIBLY find a good game to play? Cr1tikal. That's where. The first few minutes were all I needed to see. I found the first torrent I could and prompted that shit. After my slow-ass internet finished downloading, I booted this glorious experience for the first time. Helmet, nothing else, free roam, let's do this. I pressed left knowing that the worst combinations would come up first. Full stomach, nope. Just ate. Sleepiness, hah. That's already the case. I stumble upon a cocktail of drugs so intense that Charlie Sheen would fight me to the death for opportunity to even WITNESS them in use. Perfect. After an hour of loading without even using 512mb of RAM, I'm there. Stoned off my tits. Well shit. The key response, I could have created the universe from scratch in the time it took to make a right turn. I suspect that was probably an effect of the hallucinogenic shitstorm that was flowing through my veins, but I'm not quite ready to go back and test it sober. I take off, flying down the road at speeds that would make Neil Patrick Harris in White Castle tell me I'm unfit to drive. The speedometer reads 150Kph, but I know I can't be going less than 200. Speeding violations left and right, I've got four points left. But I'm not done yet. There's no way I can control it much longer, but fuck it. I don't give a fuck. The amount of fucks I do not give is in the negative, I AM RECEIVING FUCKS. As we speak Hawking is trying to develop an equation to explain the impossible amounts of fucks I simply do not give. Punch it. I hit speeds I didn't even think were possible, and I'm just getting worse and worse. Both my avatar and myself are trying not to projectile vomit faster than the bike is moving. The filter making me dizzy, me trying not to upchuck the worst chicken cutlets I've ever eaten, I realize something. I haven't taken my meds! I look up to grab my big boy pills when an ambulance (or suffer wagon, as they're called in Germany) pulls out of nowhere and T-bones me. Now here I am thinking, aww that was too quick. OH BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! I fly over the buildings like a newly forming rainbow, the creation of this drunk Irishman is destined for the highway once more. I'm almost upset when I see the highway empty. I look down. The speedometer still reads 150. That was, until, the traffic spawned in. I hit a car, bounce off the hood, and shoot off like a rocket into the left lane. Prepared for death I read the speedometer again. 528Kph. Finally I make contact with an oncoming truck and... Nothing. I stare at the moment of impact, my face in the windshield of a semi, my bike is but a speck in the sky. Buffer error. I did it. I broke it. ladies and gentlemen, if you have never paid for a game in your life and vow never to, just give up. Buy this broken, broken game. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm running late for my driving test. With all the practice I got tonight, I should do great!

[@mortem4342]

*clap* *clap* its truly beautiful!

[@samwisegamgee1243]

This was great. 😂

[@theraveniscool]

i was snorting through the entire story. please write mor of these

[@katiemoseley8243]

That was beautiful... *sniff*

[@farkbett699]

almost as good as cr1tKal

[@traitortothecrown1961]

3:40 How kind of the doctor to cut off part of his jeans during the operation

[@flamingdog9207]

*body is pulverized beyond recognition from blunt force trauma* Doctor: Hmm, yep, that's definitely cardiac arrest!

[@lazydelibird]

Oh, come on that is clearly an encephalon injury.

[@bmad1386]

@@lazydelibird nope, pulmonary injury

[@cellboi]

Guy: drives at 165 km/h, FALLS ,rolls over, gets dragged 50 feets. Just a scratch Others: stands still and gets tapped *DEATH*

[@JCapMedia]

*arm flies off* Doctor: sir you suffered a leg amputation. *stands there with both arms intact and one leg missing*

[@g_ellybean]

My boyfriend took me on my first motorcycle ride yesterday...I'll take this as a sign to never ride one again. Whatever an ecefelon injury is...I don't want it.

[@cingcurbinson995]

Remember, there's nothing sexier than an amputee with disabled motor function!

[@NeonSwaglordChen]

The encephalon is a part of your Brain, it deals with higher nerve activity and is connected to your spinal cord.

[@Iceozo1]

No but it's fine though don't you see if you crash at 130km's an hour you'll ONLY fracture bones. Nothing too bad will happen.

[@TroopperFoFo]

Good thing you didn't suffer from the injury he said at 6:50

[@thecrazydude406]

Just make sure you don't have a cardiac arrest if you scrape your knee. Take all the precautions.

[@ksalphalcsihp1252]

4:21 collisioning happened just by walking and causing severe injuries nice... 😂😂😂

[@jetstreamsam6521]

You know its gonna be good if its 7 years ago

[@Xeno426]

@7:35 I don't think you realize the significance of this event. The man has just quantum tunneled through the wall.

[@TurtleneckTim]

6:11 "AAH" best part of the video XD

[@darkjade7782]

4:38 he has been well trained

[@dylanjohnson5389]

4:20 Charlie: **completely still while man slowly walks into his moped** Velocity impact: *122 KM/H*

[@cellboi]

6:42 *George Forman doctors be like:*

[@lukeschnitzer297]

dr. henry must’ve been taking notes

[@fatboyjr364]

One of the funniest videos to ever exist